DAVID COPPERFIELD By Charles Dickens AFFECTIONATELY INSCRIBED TO THE HON . Mr. AND Mrs. RICHARD WATSON , OF ROCKINGHAM , NORTHAMPTONSHIRE . CONTENTS I. I Am Born II . I Observe III . I Have a Change IV . I Fall into Disgrace V. I Am Sent Away VI . I Enlarge My Circle of Acquaintance VII . My 'First Half ' at Salem House VIII . My Holidays . Especially One Happy Afternoon IX . I Have a Memorable Birthday X. I Become Neglected , and Am Provided For XI . I Begin Life on My Own Account , and Do n't Like It XII . Liking Life on My Own Account No Better , I Form a Great Resolution XIII . The Sequel of My Resolution XIV . My Aunt Makes up Her Mind About Me XV . I Make Another Beginning XVI . I Am a New Boy in More Senses Than One XVII . Somebody Turns Up XVIII . A Retrospect XIX . I Look About Me and Make a Discovery XX . Steerforth 's Home XXI . Little Em'ly XXII . Some Old Scenes , and Some New People XXIII . I Corroborate Mr. Dick , and Choose a Profession XXIV . My First Dissipation XXV . Good and Bad Angels XXVI . I Fall into Captivity XXVII . Tommy Traddles XXVIII . Mr. Micawber 's Gauntlet XXIX . I Visit Steerforth at His Home , Again XXX . A Loss XXXI . A Greater Loss XXXII . The Beginning of a Long Journey XXXIII . Blissful XXXIV . My Aunt Astonishes Me XXXV . Depression XXXVI . Enthusiasm XXXVII . A Little Cold Water XXXVIII . A Dissolution of Partnership XXXIX . Wickfield and Heep XL . The Wanderer XLI . Dora 's Aunts XLII . Mischief XLIII . Another Retrospect XLIV . Our Housekeeping XLV . Mr. Dick Fulfils My Aunt 's Predictions XLVI . Intelligence XLVII . Martha XLVIII . Domestic XLIX . I Am Involved in Mystery L. Mr. Peggotty 's Dream Comes True LI . The Beginning of a Longer Journey LII . I Assist at an Explosion LIII . Another Retrospect LIV . Mr. Micawber 's Transactions LV . Tempest LVI . The New Wound , and the Old LVII . The Emigrants LVIII . Absence LIX . Return LX . Agnes LXI . I Am Shown Two Interesting Penitents LXII . A Light Shines on My Way LXIII . A Visitor LXIV . A Last Retrospect PREFACE TO 1850 EDITION I do not find it easy to get sufficiently far away from this Book , in the first sensations of having finished it , to refer to it with the composure which this formal heading would seem to require . My interest in it , is so recent and strong ; and my mind is so divided between pleasure and regret -- pleasure in the achievement of a long design , regret in the separation from many companions -- that I am in danger of wearying the reader whom I love , with personal confidences , and private emotions . Besides which , all that I could say of the Story , to any purpose , I have endeavoured to say in it . It would concern the reader little , perhaps , to know , how sorrowfully the pen is laid down at the close of a two-years ' imaginative task ; or how an Author feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself into the shadowy world , when a crowd of the creatures of his brain are going from him for ever . Yet , I have nothing else to tell ; unless , indeed , I were to confess ( which might be of less moment still ) that no one can ever believe this Narrative , in the reading , more than I have believed it in the writing . Instead of looking back , therefore , I will look forward . I can not close this Volume more agreeably to myself , than with a hopeful glance towards the time when I shall again put forth my two green leaves once a month , and with a faithful remembrance of the genial sun and showers that have fallen on these leaves of David Copperfield , and made me happy . London , October , 1850 . PREFACE TO THE CHARLES DICKENS EDITION I REMARKED in the original Preface to this Book , that I did not find it easy to get sufficiently far away from it , in the first sensations of having finished it , to refer to it with the composure which this formal heading would seem to require . My interest in it was so recent and strong , and my mind was so divided between pleasure and regret -- pleasure in the achievement of a long design , regret in the separation from many companions -- that I was in danger of wearying the reader with personal confidences and private emotions . Besides which , all that I could have said of the Story to any purpose , I had endeavoured to say in it . It would concern the reader little , perhaps , to know how sorrowfully the pen is laid down at the close of a two-years ' imaginative task ; or how an Author feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself into the shadowy world , when a crowd of the creatures of his brain are going from him for ever . Yet , I had nothing else to tell ; unless , indeed , I were to confess ( which might be of less moment still ) , that no one can ever believe this Narrative , in the reading , more than I believed it in the writing . So true are these avowals at the present day , that I can now only take the reader into one confidence more . Of all my books , I like this the best . It will be easily believed that I am a fond parent to every child of my fancy , and that no one can ever love that family as dearly as I love them . But , like many fond parents , I have in my heart of hearts a favourite child . And his name is DAVID COPPERFIELD . 1869 THE PERSONAL HISTORY AND EXPERIENCE OF DAVID COPPERFIELD THE YOUNGER CHAPTER 1 . I AM BORN Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life , or whether that station will be held by anybody else , these pages must show . To begin my life with the beginning of my life , I record that I was born ( as I have been informed and believe ) on a Friday , at twelve o'clock at night . It was remarked that the clock began to strike , and I began to cry , simultaneously . In consideration of the day and hour of my birth , it was declared by the nurse , and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had taken a lively interest in me several months before there was any possibility of our becoming personally acquainted , first , that I was destined to be unlucky in life ; and secondly , that I was privileged to see ghosts and spirits ; both these gifts inevitably attaching , as they believed , to all unlucky infants of either gender , born towards the small hours on a Friday night . I need say nothing here , on the first head , because nothing can show better than my history whether that prediction was verified or falsified by the result . On the second branch of the question , I will only remark , that unless I ran through that part of my inheritance while I was still a baby , I have not come into it yet . But I do not at all complain of having been kept out of this property ; and if anybody else should be in the present enjoyment of it , he is heartily welcome to keep it . I was born with a caul , which was advertised for sale , in the newspapers , at the low price of fifteen guineas . Whether sea-going people were short of money about that time , or were short of faith and preferred cork jackets , I do n't know ; all I know is , that there was but one solitary bidding , and that was from an attorney connected with the bill-broking business , who offered two pounds in cash , and the balance in sherry , but declined to be guaranteed from drowning on any higher bargain . Consequently the advertisement was withdrawn at a dead loss -- for as to sherry , my poor dear mother 's own sherry was in the market then -- and ten years afterwards , the caul was put up in a raffle down in our part of the country , to fifty members at half-a-crown a head , the winner to spend five shillings . I was present myself , and I remember to have felt quite uncomfortable and confused , at a part of myself being disposed of in that way . The caul was won , I recollect , by an old lady with a hand-basket , who , very reluctantly , produced from it the stipulated five shillings , all in halfpence , and twopence halfpenny short -- as it took an immense time and a great waste of arithmetic , to endeavour without any effect to prove to her . It is a fact which will be long remembered as remarkable down there , that she was never drowned , but died triumphantly in bed , at ninety-two . I have understood that it was , to the last , her proudest boast , that she never had been on the water in her life , except upon a bridge ; and that over her tea ( to which she was extremely partial ) she , to the last , expressed her indignation at the impiety of mariners and others , who had the presumption to go 'meandering ' about the world . It was in vain to represent to her that some conveniences , tea perhaps included , resulted from this objectionable practice . She always returned , with greater emphasis and with an instinctive knowledge of the strength of her objection , 'Let us have no meandering . ' Not to meander myself , at present , I will go back to my birth . I was born at Blunderstone , in Suffolk , or 'there by ' , as they say in Scotland . I was a posthumous child . My father 's eyes had closed upon the light of this world six months , when mine opened on it . There is something strange to me , even now , in the reflection that he never saw me ; and something stranger yet in the shadowy remembrance that I have of my first childish associations with his white grave-stone in the churchyard , and of the indefinable compassion I used to feel for it lying out alone there in the dark night , when our little parlour was warm and bright with fire and candle , and the doors of our house were -- almost cruelly , it seemed to me sometimes -- bolted and locked against it . An aunt of my father 's , and consequently a great-aunt of mine , of whom I shall have more to relate by and by , was the principal magnate of our family . Miss Trotwood , or Miss Betsey , as my poor mother always called her , when she sufficiently overcame her dread of this formidable personage to mention her at all ( which was seldom ) , had been married to a husband younger than herself , who was very handsome , except in the sense of the homely adage , 'handsome is , that handsome does ' -- for he was strongly suspected of having beaten Miss Betsey , and even of having once , on a disputed question of supplies , made some hasty but determined arrangements to throw her out of a two pair of stairs ' window . These evidences of an incompatibility of temper induced Miss Betsey to pay him off , and effect a separation by mutual consent . He went to India with his capital , and there , according to a wild legend in our family , he was once seen riding on an elephant , in company with a Baboon ; but I think it must have been a Baboo -- or a Begum . Anyhow , from India tidings of his death reached home , within ten years . How they affected my aunt , nobody knew ; for immediately upon the separation , she took her maiden name again , bought a cottage in a hamlet on the sea-coast a long way off , established herself there as a single woman with one servant , and was understood to live secluded , ever afterwards , in an inflexible retirement . My father had once been a favourite of hers , I believe ; but she was mortally affronted by his marriage , on the ground that my mother was 'a wax doll ' . She had never seen my mother , but she knew her to be not yet twenty . My father and Miss Betsey never met again . He was double my mother 's age when he married , and of but a delicate constitution . He died a year afterwards , and , as I have said , six months before I came into the world . This was the state of matters , on the afternoon of , what I may be excused for calling , that eventful and important Friday . I can make no claim therefore to have known , at that time , how matters stood ; or to have any remembrance , founded on the evidence of my own senses , of what follows . My mother was sitting by the fire , but poorly in health , and very low in spirits , looking at it through her tears , and desponding heavily about herself and the fatherless little stranger , who was already welcomed by some grosses of prophetic pins , in a drawer upstairs , to a world not at all excited on the subject of his arrival ; my mother , I say , was sitting by the fire , that bright , windy March afternoon , very timid and sad , and very doubtful of ever coming alive out of the trial that was before her , when , lifting her eyes as she dried them , to the window opposite , she saw a strange lady coming up the garden . My mother had a sure foreboding at the second glance , that it was Miss Betsey . The setting sun was glowing on the strange lady , over the garden-fence , and she came walking up to the door with a fell rigidity of figure and composure of countenance that could have belonged to nobody else . When she reached the house , she gave another proof of her identity . My father had often hinted that she seldom conducted herself like any ordinary Christian ; and now , instead of ringing the bell , she came and looked in at that identical window , pressing the end of her nose against the glass to that extent , that my poor dear mother used to say it became perfectly flat and white in a moment . She gave my mother such a turn , that I have always been convinced I am indebted to Miss Betsey for having been born on a Friday . My mother had left her chair in her agitation , and gone behind it in the corner . Miss Betsey , looking round the room , slowly and inquiringly , began on the other side , and carried her eyes on , like a Saracen 's Head in a Dutch clock , until they reached my mother . Then she made a frown and a gesture to my mother , like one who was accustomed to be obeyed , to come and open the door . My mother went . 'Mrs . David Copperfield , I think , ' said Miss Betsey ; the emphasis referring , perhaps , to my mother 's mourning weeds , and her condition . 'Yes , ' said my mother , faintly . 'Miss Trotwood , ' said the visitor . 'You have heard of her , I dare say ? ' My mother answered she had had that pleasure . And she had a disagreeable consciousness of not appearing to imply that it had been an overpowering pleasure . 'Now you see her , ' said Miss Betsey . My mother bent her head , and begged her to walk in . They went into the parlour my mother had come from , the fire in the best room on the other side of the passage not being lighted -- not having been lighted , indeed , since my father 's funeral ; and when they were both seated , and Miss Betsey said nothing , my mother , after vainly trying to restrain herself , began to cry . 'Oh tut , tut , tut ! ' said Miss Betsey , in a hurry . 'Do n't do that ! Come , come ! ' My mother could n't help it notwithstanding , so she cried until she had had her cry out . 'Take off your cap , child , ' said Miss Betsey , 'and let me see you . ' My mother was too much afraid of her to refuse compliance with this odd request , if she had any disposition to do so . Therefore she did as she was told , and did it with such nervous hands that her hair ( which was luxuriant and beautiful ) fell all about her face . 'Why , bless my heart ! ' exclaimed Miss Betsey . 'You are a very Baby ! ' My mother was , no doubt , unusually youthful in appearance even for her years ; she hung her head , as if it were her fault , poor thing , and said , sobbing , that indeed she was afraid she was but a childish widow , and would be but a childish mother if she lived . In a short pause which ensued , she had a fancy that she felt Miss Betsey touch her hair , and that with no ungentle hand ; but , looking at her , in her timid hope , she found that lady sitting with the skirt of her dress tucked up , her hands folded on one knee , and her feet upon the fender , frowning at the fire . 'In the name of Heaven , ' said Miss Betsey , suddenly , 'why Rookery ? ' 'Do you mean the house , ma'am ? ' asked my mother . 'Why Rookery ? ' said Miss Betsey . 'Cookery would have been more to the purpose , if you had had any practical ideas of life , either of you . ' 'The name was Mr. Copperfield 's choice , ' returned my mother . 'When he bought the house , he liked to think that there were rooks about it . ' The evening wind made such a disturbance just now , among some tall old elm-trees at the bottom of the garden , that neither my mother nor Miss Betsey could forbear glancing that way . As the elms bent to one another , like giants who were whispering secrets , and after a few seconds of such repose , fell into a violent flurry , tossing their wild arms about , as if their late confidences were really too wicked for their peace of mind , some weatherbeaten ragged old rooks'-nests , burdening their higher branches , swung like wrecks upon a stormy sea . 'Where are the birds ? ' asked Miss Betsey . 'The -- ? ' My mother had been thinking of something else . 'The rooks -- what has become of them ? ' asked Miss Betsey . 'There have not been any since we have lived here , ' said my mother . 'We thought -- Mr. Copperfield thought -- it was quite a large rookery ; but the nests were very old ones , and the birds have deserted them a long while . ' 'David Copperfield all over ! ' cried Miss Betsey . 'David Copperfield from head to foot ! Calls a house a rookery when there 's not a rook near it , and takes the birds on trust , because he sees the nests ! ' 'Mr . Copperfield , ' returned my mother , 'is dead , and if you dare to speak unkindly of him to me -- ' My poor dear mother , I suppose , had some momentary intention of committing an assault and battery upon my aunt , who could easily have settled her with one hand , even if my mother had been in far better training for such an encounter than she was that evening . But it passed with the action of rising from her chair ; and she sat down again very meekly , and fainted . When she came to herself , or when Miss Betsey had restored her , whichever it was , she found the latter standing at the window . The twilight was by this time shading down into darkness ; and dimly as they saw each other , they could not have done that without the aid of the fire . 'Well ? ' said Miss Betsey , coming back to her chair , as if she had only been taking a casual look at the prospect ; 'and when do you expect -- ' 'I am all in a tremble , ' faltered my mother . 'I do n't know what 's the matter . I shall die , I am sure ! ' 'No , no , no , ' said Miss Betsey . 'Have some tea . ' 'Oh dear me , dear me , do you think it will do me any good ? ' cried my mother in a helpless manner . 'Of course it will , ' said Miss Betsey . 'It 's nothing but fancy . What do you call your girl ? ' 'I do n't know that it will be a girl , yet , ma'am , ' said my mother innocently . 'Bless the Baby ! ' exclaimed Miss Betsey , unconsciously quoting the second sentiment of the pincushion in the drawer upstairs , but applying it to my mother instead of me , 'I do n't mean that . I mean your servant-girl . ' 'Peggotty , ' said my mother . 'Peggotty ! ' repeated Miss Betsey , with some indignation . 'Do you mean to say , child , that any human being has gone into a Christian church , and got herself named Peggotty ? ' 'It 's her surname , ' said my mother , faintly . 'Mr . Copperfield called her by it , because her Christian name was the same as mine . ' 'Here ! Peggotty ! ' cried Miss Betsey , opening the parlour door . 'Tea . Your mistress is a little unwell . Do n't dawdle . ' Having issued this mandate with as much potentiality as if she had been a recognized authority in the house ever since it had been a house , and having looked out to confront the amazed Peggotty coming along the passage with a candle at the sound of a strange voice , Miss Betsey shut the door again , and sat down as before : with her feet on the fender , the skirt of her dress tucked up , and her hands folded on one knee . 'You were speaking about its being a girl , ' said Miss Betsey . 'I have no doubt it will be a girl . I have a presentiment that it must be a girl . Now child , from the moment of the birth of this girl -- ' 'Perhaps boy , ' my mother took the liberty of putting in . 'I tell you I have a presentiment that it must be a girl , ' returned Miss Betsey . 'Do n't contradict . From the moment of this girl 's birth , child , I intend to be her friend . I intend to be her godmother , and I beg you 'll call her Betsey Trotwood Copperfield . There must be no mistakes in life with THIS Betsey Trotwood . There must be no trifling with HER affections , poor dear . She must be well brought up , and well guarded from reposing any foolish confidences where they are not deserved . I must make that MY care . ' There was a twitch of Miss Betsey 's head , after each of these sentences , as if her own old wrongs were working within her , and she repressed any plainer reference to them by strong constraint . So my mother suspected , at least , as she observed her by the low glimmer of the fire : too much scared by Miss Betsey , too uneasy in herself , and too subdued and bewildered altogether , to observe anything very clearly , or to know what to say . 'And was David good to you , child ? ' asked Miss Betsey , when she had been silent for a little while , and these motions of her head had gradually ceased . 'Were you comfortable together ? ' 'We were very happy , ' said my mother . 'Mr . Copperfield was only too good to me . ' 'What , he spoilt you , I suppose ? ' returned Miss Betsey . 'For being quite alone and dependent on myself in this rough world again , yes , I fear he did indeed , ' sobbed my mother . 'Well ! Do n't cry ! ' said Miss Betsey . 'You were not equally matched , child -- if any two people can be equally matched -- and so I asked the question . You were an orphan , were n't you ? ' 'Yes . ' 'And a governess ? ' 'I was nursery-governess in a family where Mr. Copperfield came to visit . Mr. Copperfield was very kind to me , and took a great deal of notice of me , and paid me a good deal of attention , and at last proposed to me . And I accepted him . And so we were married , ' said my mother simply . 'Ha ! Poor Baby ! ' mused Miss Betsey , with her frown still bent upon the fire . 'Do you know anything ? ' 'I beg your pardon , ma'am , ' faltered my mother . 'About keeping house , for instance , ' said Miss Betsey . 'Not much , I fear , ' returned my mother . 'Not so much as I could wish . But Mr. Copperfield was teaching me -- ' ( 'Much he knew about it himself ! ' ) said Miss Betsey in a parenthesis . -- 'And I hope I should have improved , being very anxious to learn , and he very patient to teach me , if the great misfortune of his death ' -- my mother broke down again here , and could get no farther . 'Well , well ! ' said Miss Betsey . -- 'I kept my housekeeping-book regularly , and balanced it with Mr. Copperfield every night , ' cried my mother in another burst of distress , and breaking down again . 'Well , well ! ' said Miss Betsey . 'Do n't cry any more . ' -- 'And I am sure we never had a word of difference respecting it , except when Mr. Copperfield objected to my threes and fives being too much like each other , or to my putting curly tails to my sevens and nines , ' resumed my mother in another burst , and breaking down again . 'You 'll make yourself ill , ' said Miss Betsey , 'and you know that will not be good either for you or for my god-daughter . Come ! You must n't do it ! ' This argument had some share in quieting my mother , though her increasing indisposition had a larger one . There was an interval of silence , only broken by Miss Betsey 's occasionally ejaculating 'Ha ! ' as she sat with her feet upon the fender . 'David had bought an annuity for himself with his money , I know , ' said she , by and by . 'What did he do for you ? ' 'Mr . Copperfield , ' said my mother , answering with some difficulty , 'was so considerate and good as to secure the reversion of a part of it to me . ' 'How much ? ' asked Miss Betsey . 'A hundred and five pounds a year , ' said my mother . 'He might have done worse , ' said my aunt . The word was appropriate to the moment . My mother was so much worse that Peggotty , coming in with the teaboard and candles , and seeing at a glance how ill she was , -- as Miss Betsey might have done sooner if there had been light enough , -- conveyed her upstairs to her own room with all speed ; and immediately dispatched Ham Peggotty , her nephew , who had been for some days past secreted in the house , unknown to my mother , as a special messenger in case of emergency , to fetch the nurse and doctor . Those allied powers were considerably astonished , when they arrived within a few minutes of each other , to find an unknown lady of portentous appearance , sitting before the fire , with her bonnet tied over her left arm , stopping her ears with jewellers ' cotton . Peggotty knowing nothing about her , and my mother saying nothing about her , she was quite a mystery in the parlour ; and the fact of her having a magazine of jewellers ' cotton in her pocket , and sticking the article in her ears in that way , did not detract from the solemnity of her presence . The doctor having been upstairs and come down again , and having satisfied himself , I suppose , that there was a probability of this unknown lady and himself having to sit there , face to face , for some hours , laid himself out to be polite and social . He was the meekest of his sex , the mildest of little men . He sidled in and out of a room , to take up the less space . He walked as softly as the Ghost in Hamlet , and more slowly . He carried his head on one side , partly in modest depreciation of himself , partly in modest propitiation of everybody else . It is nothing to say that he had n't a word to throw at a dog . He could n't have thrown a word at a mad dog . He might have offered him one gently , or half a one , or a fragment of one ; for he spoke as slowly as he walked ; but he would n't have been rude to him , and he could n't have been quick with him , for any earthly consideration . Mr. Chillip , looking mildly at my aunt with his head on one side , and making her a little bow , said , in allusion to the jewellers ' cotton , as he softly touched his left ear : 'Some local irritation , ma'am ? ' 'What ! ' replied my aunt , pulling the cotton out of one ear like a cork . Mr. Chillip was so alarmed by her abruptness -- as he told my mother afterwards -- that it was a mercy he did n't lose his presence of mind . But he repeated sweetly : 'Some local irritation , ma'am ? ' 'Nonsense ! ' replied my aunt , and corked herself again , at one blow . Mr. Chillip could do nothing after this , but sit and look at her feebly , as she sat and looked at the fire , until he was called upstairs again . After some quarter of an hour 's absence , he returned . 'Well ? ' said my aunt , taking the cotton out of the ear nearest to him . 'Well , ma'am , ' returned Mr. Chillip , 'we are -- we are progressing slowly , ma'am . ' 'Ba -- a -- ah ! ' said my aunt , with a perfect shake on the contemptuous interjection . And corked herself as before . Really -- really -- as Mr. Chillip told my mother , he was almost shocked ; speaking in a professional point of view alone , he was almost shocked . But he sat and looked at her , notwithstanding , for nearly two hours , as she sat looking at the fire , until he was again called out . After another absence , he again returned . 'Well ? ' said my aunt , taking out the cotton on that side again . 'Well , ma'am , ' returned Mr. Chillip , 'we are -- we are progressing slowly , ma'am . ' 'Ya -- a -- ah ! ' said my aunt . With such a snarl at him , that Mr. Chillip absolutely could not bear it . It was really calculated to break his spirit , he said afterwards . He preferred to go and sit upon the stairs , in the dark and a strong draught , until he was again sent for . Ham Peggotty , who went to the national school , and was a very dragon at his catechism , and who may therefore be regarded as a credible witness , reported next day , that happening to peep in at the parlour-door an hour after this , he was instantly descried by Miss Betsey , then walking to and fro in a state of agitation , and pounced upon before he could make his escape . That there were now occasional sounds of feet and voices overhead which he inferred the cotton did not exclude , from the circumstance of his evidently being clutched by the lady as a victim on whom to expend her superabundant agitation when the sounds were loudest . That , marching him constantly up and down by the collar ( as if he had been taking too much laudanum ) , she , at those times , shook him , rumpled his hair , made light of his linen , stopped his ears as if she confounded them with her own , and otherwise tousled and maltreated him . This was in part confirmed by his aunt , who saw him at half past twelve o'clock , soon after his release , and affirmed that he was then as red as I was . The mild Mr. Chillip could not possibly bear malice at such a time , if at any time . He sidled into the parlour as soon as he was at liberty , and said to my aunt in his meekest manner : 'Well , ma'am , I am happy to congratulate you . ' 'What upon ? ' said my aunt , sharply . Mr. Chillip was fluttered again , by the extreme severity of my aunt's manner ; so he made her a little bow and gave her a little smile , to mollify her . 'Mercy on the man , what 's he doing ! ' cried my aunt , impatiently . 'Can't he speak ? ' 'Be calm , my dear ma'am , ' said Mr. Chillip , in his softest accents . 'There is no longer any occasion for uneasiness , ma'am . Be calm . ' It has since been considered almost a miracle that my aunt did n't shake him , and shake what he had to say , out of him . She only shook her own head at him , but in a way that made him quail . 'Well , ma'am , ' resumed Mr. Chillip , as soon as he had courage , 'I am happy to congratulate you . All is now over , ma'am , and well over . ' During the five minutes or so that Mr. Chillip devoted to the delivery of this oration , my aunt eyed him narrowly . 'How is she ? ' said my aunt , folding her arms with her bonnet still tied on one of them . 'Well , ma'am , she will soon be quite comfortable , I hope , ' returned Mr. Chillip . 'Quite as comfortable as we can expect a young mother to be , under these melancholy domestic circumstances . There can not be any objection to your seeing her presently , ma'am . It may do her good . ' 'And SHE . How is SHE ? ' said my aunt , sharply . Mr. Chillip laid his head a little more on one side , and looked at my aunt like an amiable bird . 'The baby , ' said my aunt . 'How is she ? ' 'Ma'am , ' returned Mr. Chillip , 'I apprehended you had known . It 's a boy . ' My aunt said never a word , but took her bonnet by the strings , in the manner of a sling , aimed a blow at Mr. Chillip 's head with it , put it on bent , walked out , and never came back . She vanished like a discontented fairy ; or like one of those supernatural beings , whom it was popularly supposed I was entitled to see ; and never came back any more . No . I lay in my basket , and my mother lay in her bed ; but Betsey Trotwood Copperfield was for ever in the land of dreams and shadows , the tremendous region whence I had so lately travelled ; and the light upon the window of our room shone out upon the earthly bourne of all such travellers , and the mound above the ashes and the dust that once was he , without whom I had never been . CHAPTER 2 . I OBSERVE The first objects that assume a distinct presence before me , as I look far back , into the blank of my infancy , are my mother with her pretty hair and youthful shape , and Peggotty with no shape at all , and eyes so dark that they seemed to darken their whole neighbourhood in her face , and cheeks and arms so hard and red that I wondered the birds didn't peck her in preference to apples . I believe I can remember these two at a little distance apart , dwarfed to my sight by stooping down or kneeling on the floor , and I going unsteadily from the one to the other . I have an impression on my mind which I can not distinguish from actual remembrance , of the touch of Peggotty 's forefinger as she used to hold it out to me , and of its being roughened by needlework , like a pocket nutmeg-grater . This may be fancy , though I think the memory of most of us can go farther back into such times than many of us suppose ; just as I believe the power of observation in numbers of very young children to be quite wonderful for its closeness and accuracy . Indeed , I think that most grown men who are remarkable in this respect , may with greater propriety be said not to have lost the faculty , than to have acquired it ; the rather , as I generally observe such men to retain a certain freshness , and gentleness , and capacity of being pleased , which are also an inheritance they have preserved from their childhood . I might have a misgiving that I am 'meandering ' in stopping to say this , but that it brings me to remark that I build these conclusions , in part upon my own experience of myself ; and if it should appear from anything I may set down in this narrative that I was a child of close observation , or that as a man I have a strong memory of my childhood , I undoubtedly lay claim to both of these characteristics . Looking back , as I was saying , into the blank of my infancy , the first objects I can remember as standing out by themselves from a confusion of things , are my mother and Peggotty . What else do I remember ? Let me see . There comes out of the cloud , our house -- not new to me , but quite familiar , in its earliest remembrance . On the ground-floor is Peggotty's kitchen , opening into a back yard ; with a pigeon-house on a pole , in the centre , without any pigeons in it ; a great dog-kennel in a corner , without any dog ; and a quantity of fowls that look terribly tall to me , walking about , in a menacing and ferocious manner . There is one cock who gets upon a post to crow , and seems to take particular notice of me as I look at him through the kitchen window , who makes me shiver , he is so fierce . Of the geese outside the side-gate who come waddling after me with their long necks stretched out when I go that way , I dream at night : as a man environed by wild beasts might dream of lions . Here is a long passage -- what an enormous perspective I make of it ! -- leading from Peggotty 's kitchen to the front door . A dark store-room opens out of it , and that is a place to be run past at night ; for I do n't know what may be among those tubs and jars and old tea-chests , when there is nobody in there with a dimly-burning light , letting a mouldy air come out of the door , in which there is the smell of soap , pickles , pepper , candles , and coffee , all at one whiff . Then there are the two parlours : the parlour in which we sit of an evening , my mother and I and Peggotty -- for Peggotty is quite our companion , when her work is done and we are alone -- and the best parlour where we sit on a Sunday ; grandly , but not so comfortably . There is something of a doleful air about that room to me , for Peggotty has told me -- I don't know when , but apparently ages ago -- about my father 's funeral , and the company having their black cloaks put on . One Sunday night my mother reads to Peggotty and me in there , how Lazarus was raised up from the dead . And I am so frightened that they are afterwards obliged to take me out of bed , and show me the quiet churchyard out of the bedroom window , with the dead all lying in their graves at rest , below the solemn moon . There is nothing half so green that I know anywhere , as the grass of that churchyard ; nothing half so shady as its trees ; nothing half so quiet as its tombstones . The sheep are feeding there , when I kneel up , early in the morning , in my little bed in a closet within my mother's room , to look out at it ; and I see the red light shining on the sun-dial , and think within myself , 'Is the sun-dial glad , I wonder , that it can tell the time again ? ' Here is our pew in the church . What a high-backed pew ! With a window near it , out of which our house can be seen , and IS seen many times during the morning 's service , by Peggotty , who likes to make herself as sure as she can that it 's not being robbed , or is not in flames . But though Peggotty 's eye wanders , she is much offended if mine does , and frowns to me , as I stand upon the seat , that I am to look at the clergyman . But I ca n't always look at him -- I know him without that white thing on , and I am afraid of his wondering why I stare so , and perhaps stopping the service to inquire -- and what am I to do ? It 's a dreadful thing to gape , but I must do something . I look at my mother , but she pretends not to see me . I look at a boy in the aisle , and he makes faces at me . I look at the sunlight coming in at the open door through the porch , and there I see a stray sheep -- I do n't mean a sinner , but mutton -- half making up his mind to come into the church . I feel that if I looked at him any longer , I might be tempted to say something out loud ; and what would become of me then ! I look up at the monumental tablets on the wall , and try to think of Mr. Bodgers late of this parish , and what the feelings of Mrs. Bodgers must have been , when affliction sore , long time Mr. Bodgers bore , and physicians were in vain . I wonder whether they called in Mr. Chillip , and he was in vain ; and if so , how he likes to be reminded of it once a week . I look from Mr. Chillip , in his Sunday neckcloth , to the pulpit ; and think what a good place it would be to play in , and what a castle it would make , with another boy coming up the stairs to attack it , and having the velvet cushion with the tassels thrown down on his head . In time my eyes gradually shut up ; and , from seeming to hear the clergyman singing a drowsy song in the heat , I hear nothing , until I fall off the seat with a crash , and am taken out , more dead than alive , by Peggotty . And now I see the outside of our house , with the latticed bedroom-windows standing open to let in the sweet-smelling air , and the ragged old rooks'-nests still dangling in the elm-trees at the bottom of the front garden . Now I am in the garden at the back , beyond the yard where the empty pigeon-house and dog-kennel are -- a very preserve of butterflies , as I remember it , with a high fence , and a gate and padlock ; where the fruit clusters on the trees , riper and richer than fruit has ever been since , in any other garden , and where my mother gathers some in a basket , while I stand by , bolting furtive gooseberries , and trying to look unmoved . A great wind rises , and the summer is gone in a moment . We are playing in the winter twilight , dancing about the parlour . When my mother is out of breath and rests herself in an elbow-chair , I watch her winding her bright curls round her fingers , and straitening her waist , and nobody knows better than I do that she likes to look so well , and is proud of being so pretty . That is among my very earliest impressions . That , and a sense that we were both a little afraid of Peggotty , and submitted ourselves in most things to her direction , were among the first opinions -- if they may be so called -- that I ever derived from what I saw . Peggotty and I were sitting one night by the parlour fire , alone . I had been reading to Peggotty about crocodiles . I must have read very perspicuously , or the poor soul must have been deeply interested , for I remember she had a cloudy impression , after I had done , that they were a sort of vegetable . I was tired of reading , and dead sleepy ; but having leave , as a high treat , to sit up until my mother came home from spending the evening at a neighbour 's , I would rather have died upon my post ( of course ) than have gone to bed . I had reached that stage of sleepiness when Peggotty seemed to swell and grow immensely large . I propped my eyelids open with my two forefingers , and looked perseveringly at her as she sat at work ; at the little bit of wax-candle she kept for her thread -- how old it looked , being so wrinkled in all directions ! -- at the little house with a thatched roof , where the yard-measure lived ; at her work-box with a sliding lid , with a view of St. Paul 's Cathedral ( with a pink dome ) painted on the top ; at the brass thimble on her finger ; at herself , whom I thought lovely . I felt so sleepy , that I knew if I lost sight of anything for a moment , I was gone . 'Peggotty , ' says I , suddenly , 'were you ever married ? ' 'Lord , Master Davy , ' replied Peggotty . 'What 's put marriage in your head ? ' She answered with such a start , that it quite awoke me . And then she stopped in her work , and looked at me , with her needle drawn out to its thread 's length . 'But WERE you ever married , Peggotty ? ' says I . 'You are a very handsome woman , a n't you ? ' I thought her in a different style from my mother , certainly ; but of another school of beauty , I considered her a perfect example . There was a red velvet footstool in the best parlour , on which my mother had painted a nosegay . The ground-work of that stool , and Peggotty's complexion appeared to me to be one and the same thing . The stool was smooth , and Peggotty was rough , but that made no difference . 'Me handsome , Davy ! ' said Peggotty . 'Lawk , no , my dear ! But what put marriage in your head ? ' 'I do n't know ! -- You must n't marry more than one person at a time , may you , Peggotty ? ' 'Certainly not , ' says Peggotty , with the promptest decision . 'But if you marry a person , and the person dies , why then you may marry another person , may n't you , Peggotty ? ' 'YOU MAY , ' says Peggotty , 'if you choose , my dear . That 's a matter of opinion . ' 'But what is your opinion , Peggotty ? ' said I. I asked her , and looked curiously at her , because she looked so curiously at me . 'My opinion is , ' said Peggotty , taking her eyes from me , after a little indecision and going on with her work , 'that I never was married myself , Master Davy , and that I do n't expect to be . That 's all I know about the subject . ' 'You a n't cross , I suppose , Peggotty , are you ? ' said I , after sitting quiet for a minute . I really thought she was , she had been so short with me ; but I was quite mistaken : for she laid aside her work ( which was a stocking of her own ) , and opening her arms wide , took my curly head within them , and gave it a good squeeze . I know it was a good squeeze , because , being very plump , whenever she made any little exertion after she was dressed , some of the buttons on the back of her gown flew off . And I recollect two bursting to the opposite side of the parlour , while she was hugging me . 'Now let me hear some more about the Crorkindills , ' said Peggotty , who was not quite right in the name yet , 'for I a n't heard half enough . ' I could n't quite understand why Peggotty looked so queer , or why she was so ready to go back to the crocodiles . However , we returned to those monsters , with fresh wakefulness on my part , and we left their eggs in the sand for the sun to hatch ; and we ran away from them , and baffled them by constantly turning , which they were unable to do quickly , on account of their unwieldy make ; and we went into the water after them , as natives , and put sharp pieces of timber down their throats ; and in short we ran the whole crocodile gauntlet . I did , at least ; but I had my doubts of Peggotty , who was thoughtfully sticking her needle into various parts of her face and arms , all the time . We had exhausted the crocodiles , and begun with the alligators , when the garden-bell rang . We went out to the door ; and there was my mother , looking unusually pretty , I thought , and with her a gentleman with beautiful black hair and whiskers , who had walked home with us from church last Sunday . As my mother stooped down on the threshold to take me in her arms and kiss me , the gentleman said I was a more highly privileged little fellow than a monarch -- or something like that ; for my later understanding comes , I am sensible , to my aid here . 'What does that mean ? ' I asked him , over her shoulder . He patted me on the head ; but somehow , I did n't like him or his deep voice , and I was jealous that his hand should touch my mother 's in touching me -- which it did . I put it away , as well as I could . 'Oh , Davy ! ' remonstrated my mother . 'Dear boy ! ' said the gentleman . 'I can not wonder at his devotion ! ' I never saw such a beautiful colour on my mother 's face before . She gently chid me for being rude ; and , keeping me close to her shawl , turned to thank the gentleman for taking so much trouble as to bring her home . She put out her hand to him as she spoke , and , as he met it with his own , she glanced , I thought , at me . 'Let us say `` good night '' , my fine boy , ' said the gentleman , when he had bent his head -- I saw him ! -- over my mother 's little glove . 'Good night ! ' said I . 'Come ! Let us be the best friends in the world ! ' said the gentleman , laughing . 'Shake hands ! ' My right hand was in my mother 's left , so I gave him the other . 'Why , that 's the Wrong hand , Davy ! ' laughed the gentleman . My mother drew my right hand forward , but I was resolved , for my former reason , not to give it him , and I did not . I gave him the other , and he shook it heartily , and said I was a brave fellow , and went away . At this minute I see him turn round in the garden , and give us a last look with his ill-omened black eyes , before the door was shut . Peggotty , who had not said a word or moved a finger , secured the fastenings instantly , and we all went into the parlour . My mother , contrary to her usual habit , instead of coming to the elbow-chair by the fire , remained at the other end of the room , and sat singing to herself . -- 'Hope you have had a pleasant evening , ma'am , ' said Peggotty , standing as stiff as a barrel in the centre of the room , with a candlestick in her hand . 'Much obliged to you , Peggotty , ' returned my mother , in a cheerful voice , 'I have had a VERY pleasant evening . ' 'A stranger or so makes an agreeable change , ' suggested Peggotty . 'A very agreeable change , indeed , ' returned my mother . Peggotty continuing to stand motionless in the middle of the room , and my mother resuming her singing , I fell asleep , though I was not so sound asleep but that I could hear voices , without hearing what they said . When I half awoke from this uncomfortable doze , I found Peggotty and my mother both in tears , and both talking . 'Not such a one as this , Mr. Copperfield would n't have liked , ' said Peggotty . 'That I say , and that I swear ! ' 'Good Heavens ! ' cried my mother , 'you 'll drive me mad ! Was ever any poor girl so ill-used by her servants as I am ! Why do I do myself the injustice of calling myself a girl ? Have I never been married , Peggotty ? ' 'God knows you have , ma'am , ' returned Peggotty . 'Then , how can you dare , ' said my mother -- 'you know I do n't mean how can you dare , Peggotty , but how can you have the heart -- to make me so uncomfortable and say such bitter things to me , when you are well aware that I have n't , out of this place , a single friend to turn to ? ' 'The more 's the reason , ' returned Peggotty , 'for saying that it won't do . No ! That it wo n't do . No ! No price could make it do . No ! ' -- I thought Peggotty would have thrown the candlestick away , she was so emphatic with it . 'How can you be so aggravating , ' said my mother , shedding more tears than before , 'as to talk in such an unjust manner ! How can you go on as if it was all settled and arranged , Peggotty , when I tell you over and over again , you cruel thing , that beyond the commonest civilities nothing has passed ! You talk of admiration . What am I to do ? If people are so silly as to indulge the sentiment , is it my fault ? What am I to do , I ask you ? Would you wish me to shave my head and black my face , or disfigure myself with a burn , or a scald , or something of that sort ? I dare say you would , Peggotty . I dare say you 'd quite enjoy it . ' Peggotty seemed to take this aspersion very much to heart , I thought . 'And my dear boy , ' cried my mother , coming to the elbow-chair in which I was , and caressing me , 'my own little Davy ! Is it to be hinted to me that I am wanting in affection for my precious treasure , the dearest little fellow that ever was ! ' 'Nobody never went and hinted no such a thing , ' said Peggotty . 'You did , Peggotty ! ' returned my mother . 'You know you did . What else was it possible to infer from what you said , you unkind creature , when you know as well as I do , that on his account only last quarter I would n't buy myself a new parasol , though that old green one is frayed the whole way up , and the fringe is perfectly mangy ? You know it is , Peggotty . You ca n't deny it . ' Then , turning affectionately to me , with her cheek against mine , 'Am I a naughty mama to you , Davy ? Am I a nasty , cruel , selfish , bad mama ? Say I am , my child ; say `` yes '' , dear boy , and Peggotty will love you ; and Peggotty 's love is a great deal better than mine , Davy . I do n't love you at all , do I ? ' At this , we all fell a-crying together . I think I was the loudest of the party , but I am sure we were all sincere about it . I was quite heart-broken myself , and am afraid that in the first transports of wounded tenderness I called Peggotty a 'Beast ' . That honest creature was in deep affliction , I remember , and must have become quite buttonless on the occasion ; for a little volley of those explosives went off , when , after having made it up with my mother , she kneeled down by the elbow-chair , and made it up with me . We went to bed greatly dejected . My sobs kept waking me , for a long time ; and when one very strong sob quite hoisted me up in bed , I found my mother sitting on the coverlet , and leaning over me . I fell asleep in her arms , after that , and slept soundly . Whether it was the following Sunday when I saw the gentleman again , or whether there was any greater lapse of time before he reappeared , I can not recall . I do n't profess to be clear about dates . But there he was , in church , and he walked home with us afterwards . He came in , too , to look at a famous geranium we had , in the parlour-window . It did not appear to me that he took much notice of it , but before he went he asked my mother to give him a bit of the blossom . She begged him to choose it for himself , but he refused to do that -- I could not understand why -- so she plucked it for him , and gave it into his hand . He said he would never , never part with it any more ; and I thought he must be quite a fool not to know that it would fall to pieces in a day or two . Peggotty began to be less with us , of an evening , than she had always been . My mother deferred to her very much -- more than usual , it occurred to me -- and we were all three excellent friends ; still we were different from what we used to be , and were not so comfortable among ourselves . Sometimes I fancied that Peggotty perhaps objected to my mother's wearing all the pretty dresses she had in her drawers , or to her going so often to visit at that neighbour 's ; but I could n't , to my satisfaction , make out how it was . Gradually , I became used to seeing the gentleman with the black whiskers . I liked him no better than at first , and had the same uneasy jealousy of him ; but if I had any reason for it beyond a child's instinctive dislike , and a general idea that Peggotty and I could make much of my mother without any help , it certainly was not THE reason that I might have found if I had been older . No such thing came into my mind , or near it . I could observe , in little pieces , as it were ; but as to making a net of a number of these pieces , and catching anybody in it , that was , as yet , beyond me . One autumn morning I was with my mother in the front garden , when Mr. Murdstone -- I knew him by that name now -- came by , on horseback . He reined up his horse to salute my mother , and said he was going to Lowestoft to see some friends who were there with a yacht , and merrily proposed to take me on the saddle before him if I would like the ride . The air was so clear and pleasant , and the horse seemed to like the idea of the ride so much himself , as he stood snorting and pawing at the garden-gate , that I had a great desire to go . So I was sent upstairs to Peggotty to be made spruce ; and in the meantime Mr. Murdstone dismounted , and , with his horse 's bridle drawn over his arm , walked slowly up and down on the outer side of the sweetbriar fence , while my mother walked slowly up and down on the inner to keep him company . I recollect Peggotty and I peeping out at them from my little window ; I recollect how closely they seemed to be examining the sweetbriar between them , as they strolled along ; and how , from being in a perfectly angelic temper , Peggotty turned cross in a moment , and brushed my hair the wrong way , excessively hard . Mr. Murdstone and I were soon off , and trotting along on the green turf by the side of the road . He held me quite easily with one arm , and I do n't think I was restless usually ; but I could not make up my mind to sit in front of him without turning my head sometimes , and looking up in his face . He had that kind of shallow black eye -- I want a better word to express an eye that has no depth in it to be looked into -- which , when it is abstracted , seems from some peculiarity of light to be disfigured , for a moment at a time , by a cast . Several times when I glanced at him , I observed that appearance with a sort of awe , and wondered what he was thinking about so closely . His hair and whiskers were blacker and thicker , looked at so near , than even I had given them credit for being . A squareness about the lower part of his face , and the dotted indication of the strong black beard he shaved close every day , reminded me of the wax-work that had travelled into our neighbourhood some half-a-year before . This , his regular eyebrows , and the rich white , and black , and brown , of his complexion -- confound his complexion , and his memory ! -- made me think him , in spite of my misgivings , a very handsome man . I have no doubt that my poor dear mother thought him so too . We went to an hotel by the sea , where two gentlemen were smoking cigars in a room by themselves . Each of them was lying on at least four chairs , and had a large rough jacket on . In a corner was a heap of coats and boat-cloaks , and a flag , all bundled up together . They both rolled on to their feet in an untidy sort of manner , when we came in , and said , 'Halloa , Murdstone ! We thought you were dead ! ' 'Not yet , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'And who 's this shaver ? ' said one of the gentlemen , taking hold of me . 'That 's Davy , ' returned Mr. Murdstone . 'Davy who ? ' said the gentleman . 'Jones ? ' 'Copperfield , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'What ! Bewitching Mrs. Copperfield 's encumbrance ? ' cried the gentleman . 'The pretty little widow ? ' 'Quinion , ' said Mr. Murdstone , 'take care , if you please . Somebody's sharp . ' 'Who is ? ' asked the gentleman , laughing . I looked up , quickly ; being curious to know . 'Only Brooks of Sheffield , ' said Mr. Murdstone . I was quite relieved to find that it was only Brooks of Sheffield ; for , at first , I really thought it was I . There seemed to be something very comical in the reputation of Mr. Brooks of Sheffield , for both the gentlemen laughed heartily when he was mentioned , and Mr. Murdstone was a good deal amused also . After some laughing , the gentleman whom he had called Quinion , said : 'And what is the opinion of Brooks of Sheffield , in reference to the projected business ? ' 'Why , I do n't know that Brooks understands much about it at present , ' replied Mr. Murdstone ; 'but he is not generally favourable , I believe . ' There was more laughter at this , and Mr. Quinion said he would ring the bell for some sherry in which to drink to Brooks . This he did ; and when the wine came , he made me have a little , with a biscuit , and , before I drank it , stand up and say , 'Confusion to Brooks of Sheffield ! ' The toast was received with great applause , and such hearty laughter that it made me laugh too ; at which they laughed the more . In short , we quite enjoyed ourselves . We walked about on the cliff after that , and sat on the grass , and looked at things through a telescope -- I could make out nothing myself when it was put to my eye , but I pretended I could -- and then we came back to the hotel to an early dinner . All the time we were out , the two gentlemen smoked incessantly -- which , I thought , if I might judge from the smell of their rough coats , they must have been doing , ever since the coats had first come home from the tailor 's . I must not forget that we went on board the yacht , where they all three descended into the cabin , and were busy with some papers . I saw them quite hard at work , when I looked down through the open skylight . They left me , during this time , with a very nice man with a very large head of red hair and a very small shiny hat upon it , who had got a cross-barred shirt or waistcoat on , with 'Skylark ' in capital letters across the chest . I thought it was his name ; and that as he lived on board ship and had n't a street door to put his name on , he put it there instead ; but when I called him Mr. Skylark , he said it meant the vessel . I observed all day that Mr. Murdstone was graver and steadier than the two gentlemen . They were very gay and careless . They joked freely with one another , but seldom with him . It appeared to me that he was more clever and cold than they were , and that they regarded him with something of my own feeling . I remarked that , once or twice when Mr. Quinion was talking , he looked at Mr. Murdstone sideways , as if to make sure of his not being displeased ; and that once when Mr. Passnidge ( the other gentleman ) was in high spirits , he trod upon his foot , and gave him a secret caution with his eyes , to observe Mr. Murdstone , who was sitting stern and silent . Nor do I recollect that Mr. Murdstone laughed at all that day , except at the Sheffield joke -- and that , by the by , was his own . We went home early in the evening . It was a very fine evening , and my mother and he had another stroll by the sweetbriar , while I was sent in to get my tea . When he was gone , my mother asked me all about the day I had had , and what they had said and done . I mentioned what they had said about her , and she laughed , and told me they were impudent fellows who talked nonsense -- but I knew it pleased her . I knew it quite as well as I know it now . I took the opportunity of asking if she was at all acquainted with Mr. Brooks of Sheffield , but she answered No , only she supposed he must be a manufacturer in the knife and fork way . Can I say of her face -- altered as I have reason to remember it , perished as I know it is -- that it is gone , when here it comes before me at this instant , as distinct as any face that I may choose to look on in a crowded street ? Can I say of her innocent and girlish beauty , that it faded , and was no more , when its breath falls on my cheek now , as it fell that night ? Can I say she ever changed , when my remembrance brings her back to life , thus only ; and , truer to its loving youth than I have been , or man ever is , still holds fast what it cherished then ? I write of her just as she was when I had gone to bed after this talk , and she came to bid me good night . She kneeled down playfully by the side of the bed , and laying her chin upon her hands , and laughing , said : 'What was it they said , Davy ? Tell me again . I ca n't believe it . ' ' '' Bewitching -- '' ' I began . My mother put her hands upon my lips to stop me . 'It was never bewitching , ' she said , laughing . 'It never could have been bewitching , Davy . Now I know it was n't ! ' 'Yes , it was . `` Bewitching Mrs. Copperfield '' , ' I repeated stoutly . 'And , '' pretty . '' ' 'No , no , it was never pretty . Not pretty , ' interposed my mother , laying her fingers on my lips again . 'Yes it was . `` Pretty little widow . '' ' 'What foolish , impudent creatures ! ' cried my mother , laughing and covering her face . 'What ridiculous men ! A n't they ? Davy dear -- ' 'Well , Ma . ' 'Do n't tell Peggotty ; she might be angry with them . I am dreadfully angry with them myself ; but I would rather Peggotty did n't know . ' I promised , of course ; and we kissed one another over and over again , and I soon fell fast asleep . It seems to me , at this distance of time , as if it were the next day when Peggotty broached the striking and adventurous proposition I am about to mention ; but it was probably about two months afterwards . We were sitting as before , one evening ( when my mother was out as before ) , in company with the stocking and the yard-measure , and the bit of wax , and the box with St. Paul 's on the lid , and the crocodile book , when Peggotty , after looking at me several times , and opening her mouth as if she were going to speak , without doing it -- which I thought was merely gaping , or I should have been rather alarmed -- said coaxingly : 'Master Davy , how should you like to go along with me and spend a fortnight at my brother 's at Yarmouth ? Would n't that be a treat ? ' 'Is your brother an agreeable man , Peggotty ? ' I inquired , provisionally . 'Oh , what an agreeable man he is ! ' cried Peggotty , holding up her hands . 'Then there 's the sea ; and the boats and ships ; and the fishermen ; and the beach ; and Am to play with -- ' Peggotty meant her nephew Ham , mentioned in my first

chapter ; but she spoke of him as a morsel of English Grammar . I was flushed by her summary of delights , and replied that it would indeed be a treat , but what would my mother say ? 'Why then I 'll as good as bet a guinea , ' said Peggotty , intent upon my face , 'that she 'll let us go . I 'll ask her , if you like , as soon as ever she comes home . There now ! ' 'But what 's she to do while we 're away ? ' said I , putting my small elbows on the table to argue the point . 'She ca n't live by herself . ' If Peggotty were looking for a hole , all of a sudden , in the heel of that stocking , it must have been a very little one indeed , and not worth darning . 'I say ! Peggotty ! She ca n't live by herself , you know . ' 'Oh , bless you ! ' said Peggotty , looking at me again at last . 'Don't you know ? She 's going to stay for a fortnight with Mrs. Grayper . Mrs. Grayper 's going to have a lot of company . ' Oh ! If that was it , I was quite ready to go . I waited , in the utmost impatience , until my mother came home from Mrs. Grayper 's ( for it was that identical neighbour ) , to ascertain if we could get leave to carry out this great idea . Without being nearly so much surprised as I had expected , my mother entered into it readily ; and it was all arranged that night , and my board and lodging during the visit were to be paid for . The day soon came for our going . It was such an early day that it came soon , even to me , who was in a fever of expectation , and half afraid that an earthquake or a fiery mountain , or some other great convulsion of nature , might interpose to stop the expedition . We were to go in a carrier 's cart , which departed in the morning after breakfast . I would have given any money to have been allowed to wrap myself up over-night , and sleep in my hat and boots . It touches me nearly now , although I tell it lightly , to recollect how eager I was to leave my happy home ; to think how little I suspected what I did leave for ever . I am glad to recollect that when the carrier 's cart was at the gate , and my mother stood there kissing me , a grateful fondness for her and for the old place I had never turned my back upon before , made me cry . I am glad to know that my mother cried too , and that I felt her heart beat against mine . I am glad to recollect that when the carrier began to move , my mother ran out at the gate , and called to him to stop , that she might kiss me once more . I am glad to dwell upon the earnestness and love with which she lifted up her face to mine , and did so . As we left her standing in the road , Mr. Murdstone came up to where she was , and seemed to expostulate with her for being so moved . I was looking back round the awning of the cart , and wondered what business it was of his . Peggotty , who was also looking back on the other side , seemed anything but satisfied ; as the face she brought back in the cart denoted . I sat looking at Peggotty for some time , in a reverie on this supposititious case : whether , if she were employed to lose me like the boy in the fairy tale , I should be able to track my way home again by the buttons she would shed . CHAPTER 3 . I HAVE A CHANGE The carrier 's horse was the laziest horse in the world , I should hope , and shuffled along , with his head down , as if he liked to keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed . I fancied , indeed , that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection , but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough . The carrier had a way of keeping his head down , like his horse , and of drooping sleepily forward as he drove , with one of his arms on each of his knees . I say 'drove ' , but it struck me that the cart would have gone to Yarmouth quite as well without him , for the horse did all that ; and as to conversation , he had no idea of it but whistling . Peggotty had a basket of refreshments on her knee , which would have lasted us out handsomely , if we had been going to London by the same conveyance . We ate a good deal , and slept a good deal . Peggotty always went to sleep with her chin upon the handle of the basket , her hold of which never relaxed ; and I could not have believed unless I had heard her do it , that one defenceless woman could have snored so much . We made so many deviations up and down lanes , and were such a long time delivering a bedstead at a public-house , and calling at other places , that I was quite tired , and very glad , when we saw Yarmouth . It looked rather spongy and soppy , I thought , as I carried my eye over the great dull waste that lay across the river ; and I could not help wondering , if the world were really as round as my geography book said , how any part of it came to be so flat . But I reflected that Yarmouth might be situated at one of the poles ; which would account for it . As we drew a little nearer , and saw the whole adjacent prospect lying a straight low line under the sky , I hinted to Peggotty that a mound or so might have improved it ; and also that if the land had been a little more separated from the sea , and the town and the tide had not been quite so much mixed up , like toast and water , it would have been nicer . But Peggotty said , with greater emphasis than usual , that we must take things as we found them , and that , for her part , she was proud to call herself a Yarmouth Bloater . When we got into the street ( which was strange enough to me ) and smelt the fish , and pitch , and oakum , and tar , and saw the sailors walking about , and the carts jingling up and down over the stones , I felt that I had done so busy a place an injustice ; and said as much to Peggotty , who heard my expressions of delight with great complacency , and told me it was well known ( I suppose to those who had the good fortune to be born Bloaters ) that Yarmouth was , upon the whole , the finest place in the universe . 'Here 's my Am ! ' screamed Peggotty , 'growed out of knowledge ! ' He was waiting for us , in fact , at the public-house ; and asked me how I found myself , like an old acquaintance . I did not feel , at first , that I knew him as well as he knew me , because he had never come to our house since the night I was born , and naturally he had the advantage of me . But our intimacy was much advanced by his taking me on his back to carry me home . He was , now , a huge , strong fellow of six feet high , broad in proportion , and round-shouldered ; but with a simpering boy 's face and curly light hair that gave him quite a sheepish look . He was dressed in a canvas jacket , and a pair of such very stiff trousers that they would have stood quite as well alone , without any legs in them . And you could n't so properly have said he wore a hat , as that he was covered in a-top , like an old building , with something pitchy . Ham carrying me on his back and a small box of ours under his arm , and Peggotty carrying another small box of ours , we turned down lanes bestrewn with bits of chips and little hillocks of sand , and went past gas-works , rope-walks , boat-builders ' yards , shipwrights ' yards , ship-breakers ' yards , caulkers ' yards , riggers ' lofts , smiths ' forges , and a great litter of such places , until we came out upon the dull waste I had already seen at a distance ; when Ham said , 'Yon 's our house , Mas'r Davy ! ' I looked in all directions , as far as I could stare over the wilderness , and away at the sea , and away at the river , but no house could I make out . There was a black barge , or some other kind of superannuated boat , not far off , high and dry on the ground , with an iron funnel sticking out of it for a chimney and smoking very cosily ; but nothing else in the way of a habitation that was visible to me . 'That 's not it ? ' said I . 'That ship-looking thing ? ' 'That 's it , Mas'r Davy , ' returned Ham . If it had been Aladdin 's palace , roc 's egg and all , I suppose I could not have been more charmed with the romantic idea of living in it . There was a delightful door cut in the side , and it was roofed in , and there were little windows in it ; but the wonderful charm of it was , that it was a real boat which had no doubt been upon the water hundreds of times , and which had never been intended to be lived in , on dry land . That was the captivation of it to me . If it had ever been meant to be lived in , I might have thought it small , or inconvenient , or lonely ; but never having been designed for any such use , it became a perfect abode . It was beautifully clean inside , and as tidy as possible . There was a table , and a Dutch clock , and a chest of drawers , and on the chest of drawers there was a tea-tray with a painting on it of a lady with a parasol , taking a walk with a military-looking child who was trundling a hoop . The tray was kept from tumbling down , by a bible ; and the tray , if it had tumbled down , would have smashed a quantity of cups and saucers and a teapot that were grouped around the book . On the walls there were some common coloured pictures , framed and glazed , of scripture subjects ; such as I have never seen since in the hands of pedlars , without seeing the whole interior of Peggotty 's brother 's house again , at one view . Abraham in red going to sacrifice Isaac in blue , and Daniel in yellow cast into a den of green lions , were the most prominent of these . Over the little mantelshelf , was a picture of the 'Sarah Jane ' lugger , built at Sunderland , with a real little wooden stern stuck on to it ; a work of art , combining composition with carpentry , which I considered to be one of the most enviable possessions that the world could afford . There were some hooks in the beams of the ceiling , the use of which I did not divine then ; and some lockers and boxes and conveniences of that sort , which served for seats and eked out the chairs . All this I saw in the first glance after I crossed the threshold -- child-like , according to my theory -- and then Peggotty opened a little door and showed me my bedroom . It was the completest and most desirable bedroom ever seen -- in the stern of the vessel ; with a little window , where the rudder used to go through ; a little looking-glass , just the right height for me , nailed against the wall , and framed with oyster-shells ; a little bed , which there was just room enough to get into ; and a nosegay of seaweed in a blue mug on the table . The walls were whitewashed as white as milk , and the patchwork counterpane made my eyes quite ache with its brightness . One thing I particularly noticed in this delightful house , was the smell of fish ; which was so searching , that when I took out my pocket-handkerchief to wipe my nose , I found it smelt exactly as if it had wrapped up a lobster . On my imparting this discovery in confidence to Peggotty , she informed me that her brother dealt in lobsters , crabs , and crawfish ; and I afterwards found that a heap of these creatures , in a state of wonderful conglomeration with one another , and never leaving off pinching whatever they laid hold of , were usually to be found in a little wooden outhouse where the pots and kettles were kept . We were welcomed by a very civil woman in a white apron , whom I had seen curtseying at the door when I was on Ham 's back , about a quarter of a mile off . Likewise by a most beautiful little girl ( or I thought her so ) with a necklace of blue beads on , who would n't let me kiss her when I offered to , but ran away and hid herself . By and by , when we had dined in a sumptuous manner off boiled dabs , melted butter , and potatoes , with a chop for me , a hairy man with a very good-natured face came home . As he called Peggotty 'Lass ' , and gave her a hearty smack on the cheek , I had no doubt , from the general propriety of her conduct , that he was her brother ; and so he turned out -- being presently introduced to me as Mr. Peggotty , the master of the house . 'Glad to see you , sir , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'You 'll find us rough , sir , but you 'll find us ready . ' I thanked him , and replied that I was sure I should be happy in such a delightful place . 'How 's your Ma , sir ? ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Did you leave her pretty jolly ? ' I gave Mr. Peggotty to understand that she was as jolly as I could wish , and that she desired her compliments -- which was a polite fiction on my part . 'I 'm much obleeged to her , I 'm sure , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Well , sir , if you can make out here , fur a fortnut , 'long wi ' her , ' nodding at his sister , 'and Ham , and little Em'ly , we shall be proud of your company . ' Having done the honours of his house in this hospitable manner , Mr. Peggotty went out to wash himself in a kettleful of hot water , remarking that 'cold would never get his muck off ' . He soon returned , greatly improved in appearance ; but so rubicund , that I could n't help thinking his face had this in common with the lobsters , crabs , and crawfish , -- that it went into the hot water very black , and came out very red . After tea , when the door was shut and all was made snug ( the nights being cold and misty now ) , it seemed to me the most delicious retreat that the imagination of man could conceive . To hear the wind getting up out at sea , to know that the fog was creeping over the desolate flat outside , and to look at the fire , and think that there was no house near but this one , and this one a boat , was like enchantment . Little Em'ly had overcome her shyness , and was sitting by my side upon the lowest and least of the lockers , which was just large enough for us two , and just fitted into the chimney corner . Mrs. Peggotty with the white apron , was knitting on the opposite side of the fire . Peggotty at her needlework was as much at home with St. Paul 's and the bit of wax-candle , as if they had never known any other roof . Ham , who had been giving me my first lesson in all-fours , was trying to recollect a scheme of telling fortunes with the dirty cards , and was printing off fishy impressions of his thumb on all the cards he turned . Mr. Peggotty was smoking his pipe . I felt it was a time for conversation and confidence . 'Mr . Peggotty ! ' says I . 'Sir , ' says he . 'Did you give your son the name of Ham , because you lived in a sort of ark ? ' Mr. Peggotty seemed to think it a deep idea , but answered : 'No , sir . I never giv him no name . ' 'Who gave him that name , then ? ' said I , putting question number two of the catechism to Mr. Peggotty . 'Why , sir , his father giv it him , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'I thought you were his father ! ' 'My brother Joe was his father , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Dead , Mr . Peggotty ? ' I hinted , after a respectful pause . 'Drowndead , ' said Mr. Peggotty . I was very much surprised that Mr. Peggotty was not Ham 's father , and began to wonder whether I was mistaken about his relationship to anybody else there . I was so curious to know , that I made up my mind to have it out with Mr. Peggotty . 'Little Em'ly , ' I said , glancing at her . 'She is your daughter , isn't she , Mr . Peggotty ? ' 'No , sir . My brother-in-law , Tom , was her father . ' I could n't help it. ' -- Dead , Mr . Peggotty ? ' I hinted , after another respectful silence . 'Drowndead , ' said Mr. Peggotty . I felt the difficulty of resuming the subject , but had not got to the bottom of it yet , and must get to the bottom somehow . So I said : 'Have n't you ANY children , Mr . Peggotty ? ' 'No , master , ' he answered with a short laugh . 'I 'm a bacheldore . ' 'A bachelor ! ' I said , astonished . 'Why , who 's that , Mr . Peggotty ? ' pointing to the person in the apron who was knitting . 'That 's Missis Gummidge , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Gummidge , Mr . Peggotty ? ' But at this point Peggotty -- I mean my own peculiar Peggotty -- made such impressive motions to me not to ask any more questions , that I could only sit and look at all the silent company , until it was time to go to bed . Then , in the privacy of my own little cabin , she informed me that Ham and Em'ly were an orphan nephew and niece , whom my host had at different times adopted in their childhood , when they were left destitute : and that Mrs. Gummidge was the widow of his partner in a boat , who had died very poor . He was but a poor man himself , said Peggotty , but as good as gold and as true as steel -- those were her similes . The only subject , she informed me , on which he ever showed a violent temper or swore an oath , was this generosity of his ; and if it were ever referred to , by any one of them , he struck the table a heavy blow with his right hand ( had split it on one such occasion ) , and swore a dreadful oath that he would be 'Gormed ' if he did n't cut and run for good , if it was ever mentioned again . It appeared , in answer to my inquiries , that nobody had the least idea of the etymology of this terrible verb passive to be gormed ; but that they all regarded it as constituting a most solemn imprecation . I was very sensible of my entertainer 's goodness , and listened to the women 's going to bed in another little crib like mine at the opposite end of the boat , and to him and Ham hanging up two hammocks for themselves on the hooks I had noticed in the roof , in a very luxurious state of mind , enhanced by my being sleepy . As slumber gradually stole upon me , I heard the wind howling out at sea and coming on across the flat so fiercely , that I had a lazy apprehension of the great deep rising in the night . But I bethought myself that I was in a boat , after all ; and that a man like Mr. Peggotty was not a bad person to have on board if anything did happen . Nothing happened , however , worse than morning . Almost as soon as it shone upon the oyster-shell frame of my mirror I was out of bed , and out with little Em'ly , picking up stones upon the beach . 'You 're quite a sailor , I suppose ? ' I said to Em'ly . I do n't know that I supposed anything of the kind , but I felt it an act of gallantry to say something ; and a shining sail close to us made such a pretty little image of itself , at the moment , in her bright eye , that it came into my head to say this . 'No , ' replied Em'ly , shaking her head , 'I 'm afraid of the sea . ' 'Afraid ! ' I said , with a becoming air of boldness , and looking very big at the mighty ocean . 'I a n't ! ' 'Ah ! but it 's cruel , ' said Em'ly . 'I have seen it very cruel to some of our men . I have seen it tear a boat as big as our house , all to pieces . ' 'I hope it was n't the boat that -- ' 'That father was drownded in ? ' said Em'ly . 'No . Not that one , I never see that boat . ' 'Nor him ? ' I asked her . Little Em'ly shook her head . 'Not to remember ! ' Here was a coincidence ! I immediately went into an explanation how I had never seen my own father ; and how my mother and I had always lived by ourselves in the happiest state imaginable , and lived so then , and always meant to live so ; and how my father 's grave was in the churchyard near our house , and shaded by a tree , beneath the boughs of which I had walked and heard the birds sing many a pleasant morning . But there were some differences between Em'ly 's orphanhood and mine , it appeared . She had lost her mother before her father ; and where her father 's grave was no one knew , except that it was somewhere in the depths of the sea . 'Besides , ' said Em'ly , as she looked about for shells and pebbles , 'your father was a gentleman and your mother is a lady ; and my father was a fisherman and my mother was a fisherman 's daughter , and my uncle Dan is a fisherman . ' 'Dan is Mr. Peggotty , is he ? ' said I . 'Uncle Dan -- yonder , ' answered Em'ly , nodding at the boat-house . 'Yes . I mean him . He must be very good , I should think ? ' 'Good ? ' said Em'ly . 'If I was ever to be a lady , I 'd give him a sky-blue coat with diamond buttons , nankeen trousers , a red velvet waistcoat , a cocked hat , a large gold watch , a silver pipe , and a box of money . ' I said I had no doubt that Mr. Peggotty well deserved these treasures . I must acknowledge that I felt it difficult to picture him quite at his ease in the raiment proposed for him by his grateful little niece , and that I was particularly doubtful of the policy of the cocked hat ; but I kept these sentiments to myself . Little Em'ly had stopped and looked up at the sky in her enumeration of these articles , as if they were a glorious vision . We went on again , picking up shells and pebbles . 'You would like to be a lady ? ' I said . Emily looked at me , and laughed and nodded 'yes ' . 'I should like it very much . We would all be gentlefolks together , then . Me , and uncle , and Ham , and Mrs. Gummidge . We would n't mind then , when there comes stormy weather. -- -Not for our own sakes , I mean . We would for the poor fishermen 's , to be sure , and we 'd help 'em with money when they come to any hurt . ' This seemed to me to be a very satisfactory and therefore not at all improbable picture . I expressed my pleasure in the contemplation of it , and little Em'ly was emboldened to say , shyly , 'Do n't you think you are afraid of the sea , now ? ' It was quiet enough to reassure me , but I have no doubt if I had seen a moderately large wave come tumbling in , I should have taken to my heels , with an awful recollection of her drowned relations . However , I said 'No , ' and I added , 'You do n't seem to be either , though you say you are , ' -- for she was walking much too near the brink of a sort of old jetty or wooden causeway we had strolled upon , and I was afraid of her falling over . 'I 'm not afraid in this way , ' said little Em'ly . 'But I wake when it blows , and tremble to think of Uncle Dan and Ham and believe I hear 'em crying out for help . That 's why I should like so much to be a lady . But I 'm not afraid in this way . Not a bit . Look here ! ' She started from my side , and ran along a jagged timber which protruded from the place we stood upon , and overhung the deep water at some height , without the least defence . The incident is so impressed on my remembrance , that if I were a draughtsman I could draw its form here , I dare say , accurately as it was that day , and little Em'ly springing forward to her destruction ( as it appeared to me ) , with a look that I have never forgotten , directed far out to sea . The light , bold , fluttering little figure turned and came back safe to me , and I soon laughed at my fears , and at the cry I had uttered ; fruitlessly in any case , for there was no one near . But there have been times since , in my manhood , many times there have been , when I have thought , Is it possible , among the possibilities of hidden things , that in the sudden rashness of the child and her wild look so far off , there was any merciful attraction of her into danger , any tempting her towards him permitted on the part of her dead father , that her life might have a chance of ending that day ? There has been a time since when I have wondered whether , if the life before her could have been revealed to me at a glance , and so revealed as that a child could fully comprehend it , and if her preservation could have depended on a motion of my hand , I ought to have held it up to save her . There has been a time since -- I do not say it lasted long , but it has been -- when I have asked myself the question , would it have been better for little Em'ly to have had the waters close above her head that morning in my sight ; and when I have answered Yes , it would have been . This may be premature . I have set it down too soon , perhaps . But let it stand . We strolled a long way , and loaded ourselves with things that we thought curious , and put some stranded starfish carefully back into the water -- I hardly know enough of the race at this moment to be quite certain whether they had reason to feel obliged to us for doing so , or the reverse -- and then made our way home to Mr. Peggotty 's dwelling . We stopped under the lee of the lobster-outhouse to exchange an innocent kiss , and went in to breakfast glowing with health and pleasure . 'Like two young mavishes , ' Mr. Peggotty said . I knew this meant , in our local dialect , like two young thrushes , and received it as a compliment . Of course I was in love with little Em'ly . I am sure I loved that baby quite as truly , quite as tenderly , with greater purity and more disinterestedness , than can enter into the best love of a later time of life , high and ennobling as it is . I am sure my fancy raised up something round that blue-eyed mite of a child , which etherealized , and made a very angel of her . If , any sunny forenoon , she had spread a little pair of wings and flown away before my eyes , I do n't think I should have regarded it as much more than I had had reason to expect . We used to walk about that dim old flat at Yarmouth in a loving manner , hours and hours . The days sported by us , as if Time had not grown up himself yet , but were a child too , and always at play . I told Em'ly I adored her , and that unless she confessed she adored me I should be reduced to the necessity of killing myself with a sword . She said she did , and I have no doubt she did . As to any sense of inequality , or youthfulness , or other difficulty in our way , little Em'ly and I had no such trouble , because we had no future . We made no more provision for growing older , than we did for growing younger . We were the admiration of Mrs. Gummidge and Peggotty , who used to whisper of an evening when we sat , lovingly , on our little locker side by side , 'Lor ! was n't it beautiful ! ' Mr. Peggotty smiled at us from behind his pipe , and Ham grinned all the evening and did nothing else . They had something of the sort of pleasure in us , I suppose , that they might have had in a pretty toy , or a pocket model of the Colosseum . I soon found out that Mrs. Gummidge did not always make herself so agreeable as she might have been expected to do , under the circumstances of her residence with Mr. Peggotty . Mrs. Gummidge 's was rather a fretful disposition , and she whimpered more sometimes than was comfortable for other parties in so small an establishment . I was very sorry for her ; but there were moments when it would have been more agreeable , I thought , if Mrs. Gummidge had had a convenient apartment of her own to retire to , and had stopped there until her spirits revived . Mr. Peggotty went occasionally to a public-house called The Willing Mind . I discovered this , by his being out on the second or third evening of our visit , and by Mrs. Gummidge 's looking up at the Dutch clock , between eight and nine , and saying he was there , and that , what was more , she had known in the morning he would go there . Mrs. Gummidge had been in a low state all day , and had burst into tears in the forenoon , when the fire smoked . 'I am a lone lorn creetur ' , ' were Mrs. Gummidge 's words , when that unpleasant occurrence took place , 'and everythink goes contrary with me . ' 'Oh , it 'll soon leave off , ' said Peggotty -- I again mean our Peggotty -- 'and besides , you know , it 's not more disagreeable to you than to us . ' 'I feel it more , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . It was a very cold day , with cutting blasts of wind . Mrs. Gummidge's peculiar corner of the fireside seemed to me to be the warmest and snuggest in the place , as her chair was certainly the easiest , but it did n't suit her that day at all . She was constantly complaining of the cold , and of its occasioning a visitation in her back which she called 'the creeps ' . At last she shed tears on that subject , and said again that she was 'a lone lorn creetur ' and everythink went contrary with her ' . 'It is certainly very cold , ' said Peggotty . 'Everybody must feel it so . ' 'I feel it more than other people , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . So at dinner ; when Mrs. Gummidge was always helped immediately after me , to whom the preference was given as a visitor of distinction . The fish were small and bony , and the potatoes were a little burnt . We all acknowledged that we felt this something of a disappointment ; but Mrs. Gummidge said she felt it more than we did , and shed tears again , and made that former declaration with great bitterness . Accordingly , when Mr. Peggotty came home about nine o'clock , this unfortunate Mrs. Gummidge was knitting in her corner , in a very wretched and miserable condition . Peggotty had been working cheerfully . Ham had been patching up a great pair of waterboots ; and I , with little Em'ly by my side , had been reading to them . Mrs. Gummidge had never made any other remark than a forlorn sigh , and had never raised her eyes since tea . 'Well , Mates , ' said Mr. Peggotty , taking his seat , 'and how are you ? ' We all said something , or looked something , to welcome him , except Mrs. Gummidge , who only shook her head over her knitting . 'What 's amiss ? ' said Mr. Peggotty , with a clap of his hands . 'Cheer up , old Mawther ! ' ( Mr. Peggotty meant old girl . ) Mrs. Gummidge did not appear to be able to cheer up . She took out an old black silk handkerchief and wiped her eyes ; but instead of putting it in her pocket , kept it out , and wiped them again , and still kept it out , ready for use . 'What 's amiss , dame ? ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Nothing , ' returned Mrs. Gummidge . 'You 've come from The Willing Mind , Dan'l ? ' 'Why yes , I 've took a short spell at The Willing Mind tonight , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'I 'm sorry I should drive you there , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . 'Drive ! I do n't want no driving , ' returned Mr. Peggotty with an honest laugh . 'I only go too ready . ' 'Very ready , ' said Mrs. Gummidge , shaking her head , and wiping her eyes . 'Yes , yes , very ready . I am sorry it should be along of me that you're so ready . ' 'Along o ' you ! It a n't along o ' you ! ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Do n't ye believe a bit on it . ' 'Yes , yes , it is , ' cried Mrs. Gummidge . 'I know what I am . I know that I am a lone lorn creetur ' , and not only that everythink goes contrary with me , but that I go contrary with everybody . Yes , yes . I feel more than other people do , and I show it more . It 's my misfortun ' . ' I really could n't help thinking , as I sat taking in all this , that the misfortune extended to some other members of that family besides Mrs. Gummidge . But Mr. Peggotty made no such retort , only answering with another entreaty to Mrs. Gummidge to cheer up . 'I a n't what I could wish myself to be , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . 'I am far from it . I know what I am . My troubles has made me contrary . I feel my troubles , and they make me contrary . I wish I did n't feel 'em , but I do . I wish I could be hardened to 'em , but I a n't . I make the house uncomfortable . I do n't wonder at it . I 've made your sister so all day , and Master Davy . ' Here I was suddenly melted , and roared out , 'No , you have n't , Mrs. Gummidge , ' in great mental distress . 'It 's far from right that I should do it , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . 'It an't a fit return . I had better go into the house and die . I am a lone lorn creetur ' , and had much better not make myself contrary here . If thinks must go contrary with me , and I must go contrary myself , let me go contrary in my parish . Dan'l , I 'd better go into the house , and die and be a riddance ! ' Mrs. Gummidge retired with these words , and betook herself to bed . When she was gone , Mr. Peggotty , who had not exhibited a trace of any feeling but the profoundest sympathy , looked round upon us , and nodding his head with a lively expression of that sentiment still animating his face , said in a whisper : 'She 's been thinking of the old 'un ! ' I did not quite understand what old one Mrs. Gummidge was supposed to have fixed her mind upon , until Peggotty , on seeing me to bed , explained that it was the late Mr. Gummidge ; and that her brother always took that for a received truth on such occasions , and that it always had a moving effect upon him . Some time after he was in his hammock that night , I heard him myself repeat to Ham , 'Poor thing ! She 's been thinking of the old 'un ! ' And whenever Mrs. Gummidge was overcome in a similar manner during the remainder of our stay ( which happened some few times ) , he always said the same thing in extenuation of the circumstance , and always with the tenderest commiseration . So the fortnight slipped away , varied by nothing but the variation of the tide , which altered Mr. Peggotty 's times of going out and coming in , and altered Ham 's engagements also . When the latter was unemployed , he sometimes walked with us to show us the boats and ships , and once or twice he took us for a row . I do n't know why one slight set of impressions should be more particularly associated with a place than another , though I believe this obtains with most people , in reference especially to the associations of their childhood . I never hear the name , or read the name , of Yarmouth , but I am reminded of a certain Sunday morning on the beach , the bells ringing for church , little Em'ly leaning on my shoulder , Ham lazily dropping stones into the water , and the sun , away at sea , just breaking through the heavy mist , and showing us the ships , like their own shadows . At last the day came for going home . I bore up against the separation from Mr. Peggotty and Mrs. Gummidge , but my agony of mind at leaving little Em'ly was piercing . We went arm-in-arm to the public-house where the carrier put up , and I promised , on the road , to write to her . ( I redeemed that promise afterwards , in characters larger than those in which apartments are usually announced in manuscript , as being to let . ) We were greatly overcome at parting ; and if ever , in my life , I have had a void made in my heart , I had one made that day . Now , all the time I had been on my visit , I had been ungrateful to my home again , and had thought little or nothing about it . But I was no sooner turned towards it , than my reproachful young conscience seemed to point that way with a ready finger ; and I felt , all the more for the sinking of my spirits , that it was my nest , and that my mother was my comforter and friend . This gained upon me as we went along ; so that the nearer we drew , the more familiar the objects became that we passed , the more excited I was to get there , and to run into her arms . But Peggotty , instead of sharing in those transports , tried to check them ( though very kindly ) , and looked confused and out of sorts . Blunderstone Rookery would come , however , in spite of her , when the carrier 's horse pleased -- and did . How well I recollect it , on a cold grey afternoon , with a dull sky , threatening rain ! The door opened , and I looked , half laughing and half crying in my pleasant agitation , for my mother . It was not she , but a strange servant . 'Why , Peggotty ! ' I said , ruefully , 'is n't she come home ? ' 'Yes , yes , Master Davy , ' said Peggotty . 'She 's come home . Wait a bit , Master Davy , and I 'll -- I 'll tell you something . ' Between her agitation , and her natural awkwardness in getting out of the cart , Peggotty was making a most extraordinary festoon of herself , but I felt too blank and strange to tell her so . When she had got down , she took me by the hand ; led me , wondering , into the kitchen ; and shut the door . 'Peggotty ! ' said I , quite frightened . 'What 's the matter ? ' 'Nothing 's the matter , bless you , Master Davy dear ! ' she answered , assuming an air of sprightliness . 'Something 's the matter , I 'm sure . Where 's mama ? ' 'Where 's mama , Master Davy ? ' repeated Peggotty . 'Yes . Why has n't she come out to the gate , and what have we come in here for ? Oh , Peggotty ! ' My eyes were full , and I felt as if I were going to tumble down . 'Bless the precious boy ! ' cried Peggotty , taking hold of me . 'What is it ? Speak , my pet ! ' 'Not dead , too ! Oh , she 's not dead , Peggotty ? ' Peggotty cried out No ! with an astonishing volume of voice ; and then sat down , and began to pant , and said I had given her a turn . I gave her a hug to take away the turn , or to give her another turn in the right direction , and then stood before her , looking at her in anxious inquiry . 'You see , dear , I should have told you before now , ' said Peggotty , 'but I had n't an opportunity . I ought to have made it , perhaps , but I could n't azackly ' -- that was always the substitute for exactly , in Peggotty 's militia of words -- 'bring my mind to it . ' 'Go on , Peggotty , ' said I , more frightened than before . 'Master Davy , ' said Peggotty , untying her bonnet with a shaking hand , and speaking in a breathless sort of way . 'What do you think ? You have got a Pa ! ' I trembled , and turned white . Something -- I do n't know what , or how -- connected with the grave in the churchyard , and the raising of the dead , seemed to strike me like an unwholesome wind . 'A new one , ' said Peggotty . 'A new one ? ' I repeated . Peggotty gave a gasp , as if she were swallowing something that was very hard , and , putting out her hand , said : 'Come and see him . ' 'I do n't want to see him . ' -- 'And your mama , ' said Peggotty . I ceased to draw back , and we went straight to the best parlour , where she left me . On one side of the fire , sat my mother ; on the other , Mr. Murdstone . My mother dropped her work , and arose hurriedly , but timidly I thought . 'Now , Clara my dear , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'Recollect ! control yourself , always control yourself ! Davy boy , how do you do ? ' I gave him my hand . After a moment of suspense , I went and kissed my mother : she kissed me , patted me gently on the shoulder , and sat down again to her work . I could not look at her , I could not look at him , I knew quite well that he was looking at us both ; and I turned to the window and looked out there , at some shrubs that were drooping their heads in the cold . As soon as I could creep away , I crept upstairs . My old dear bedroom was changed , and I was to lie a long way off . I rambled downstairs to find anything that was like itself , so altered it all seemed ; and roamed into the yard . I very soon started back from there , for the empty dog-kennel was filled up with a great dog -- deep mouthed and black-haired like Him -- and he was very angry at the sight of me , and sprang out to get at me . CHAPTER 4 . I FALL INTO DISGRACE If the room to which my bed was removed were a sentient thing that could give evidence , I might appeal to it at this day -- who sleeps there now , I wonder ! -- to bear witness for me what a heavy heart I carried to it . I went up there , hearing the dog in the yard bark after me all the way while I climbed the stairs ; and , looking as blank and strange upon the room as the room looked upon me , sat down with my small hands crossed , and thought . I thought of the oddest things . Of the shape of the room , of the cracks in the ceiling , of the paper on the walls , of the flaws in the window-glass making ripples and dimples on the prospect , of the washing-stand being rickety on its three legs , and having a discontented something about it , which reminded me of Mrs. Gummidge under the influence of the old one . I was crying all the time , but , except that I was conscious of being cold and dejected , I am sure I never thought why I cried . At last in my desolation I began to consider that I was dreadfully in love with little Em'ly , and had been torn away from her to come here where no one seemed to want me , or to care about me , half as much as she did . This made such a very miserable piece of business of it , that I rolled myself up in a corner of the counterpane , and cried myself to sleep . I was awoke by somebody saying 'Here he is ! ' and uncovering my hot head . My mother and Peggotty had come to look for me , and it was one of them who had done it . 'Davy , ' said my mother . 'What 's the matter ? ' I thought it was very strange that she should ask me , and answered , 'Nothing . ' I turned over on my face , I recollect , to hide my trembling lip , which answered her with greater truth . 'Davy , ' said my mother . 'Davy , my child ! ' I dare say no words she could have uttered would have affected me so much , then , as her calling me her child . I hid my tears in the bedclothes , and pressed her from me with my hand , when she would have raised me up . 'This is your doing , Peggotty , you cruel thing ! ' said my mother . 'I have no doubt at all about it . How can you reconcile it to your conscience , I wonder , to prejudice my own boy against me , or against anybody who is dear to me ? What do you mean by it , Peggotty ? ' Poor Peggotty lifted up her hands and eyes , and only answered , in a sort of paraphrase of the grace I usually repeated after dinner , 'Lord forgive you , Mrs. Copperfield , and for what you have said this minute , may you never be truly sorry ! ' 'It 's enough to distract me , ' cried my mother . 'In my honeymoon , too , when my most inveterate enemy might relent , one would think , and not envy me a little peace of mind and happiness . Davy , you naughty boy ! Peggotty , you savage creature ! Oh , dear me ! ' cried my mother , turning from one of us to the other , in her pettish wilful manner , 'what a troublesome world this is , when one has the most right to expect it to be as agreeable as possible ! ' I felt the touch of a hand that I knew was neither hers nor Peggotty 's , and slipped to my feet at the bed-side . It was Mr. Murdstone 's hand , and he kept it on my arm as he said : 'What 's this ? Clara , my love , have you forgotten ? -- Firmness , my dear ! ' 'I am very sorry , Edward , ' said my mother . 'I meant to be very good , but I am so uncomfortable . ' 'Indeed ! ' he answered . 'That 's a bad hearing , so soon , Clara . ' 'I say it 's very hard I should be made so now , ' returned my mother , pouting ; 'and it is -- very hard -- is n't it ? ' He drew her to him , whispered in her ear , and kissed her . I knew as well , when I saw my mother 's head lean down upon his shoulder , and her arm touch his neck -- I knew as well that he could mould her pliant nature into any form he chose , as I know , now , that he did it . 'Go you below , my love , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'David and I will come down , together . My friend , ' turning a darkening face on Peggotty , when he had watched my mother out , and dismissed her with a nod and a smile ; 'do you know your mistress 's name ? ' 'She has been my mistress a long time , sir , ' answered Peggotty , 'I ought to know it . ' 'That 's true , ' he answered . 'But I thought I heard you , as I came upstairs , address her by a name that is not hers . She has taken mine , you know . Will you remember that ? ' Peggotty , with some uneasy glances at me , curtseyed herself out of the room without replying ; seeing , I suppose , that she was expected to go , and had no excuse for remaining . When we two were left alone , he shut the door , and sitting on a chair , and holding me standing before him , looked steadily into my eyes . I felt my own attracted , no less steadily , to his . As I recall our being opposed thus , face to face , I seem again to hear my heart beat fast and high . 'David , ' he said , making his lips thin , by pressing them together , 'if I have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with , what do you think I do ? ' 'I do n't know . ' 'I beat him . ' I had answered in a kind of breathless whisper , but I felt , in my silence , that my breath was shorter now . 'I make him wince , and smart . I say to myself , `` I 'll conquer that fellow '' ; and if it were to cost him all the blood he had , I should do it . What is that upon your face ? ' 'Dirt , ' I said . He knew it was the mark of tears as well as I . But if he had asked the question twenty times , each time with twenty blows , I believe my baby heart would have burst before I would have told him so . 'You have a good deal of intelligence for a little fellow , ' he said , with a grave smile that belonged to him , 'and you understood me very well , I see . Wash that face , sir , and come down with me . ' He pointed to the washing-stand , which I had made out to be like Mrs. Gummidge , and motioned me with his head to obey him directly . I had little doubt then , and I have less doubt now , that he would have knocked me down without the least compunction , if I had hesitated . 'Clara , my dear , ' he said , when I had done his bidding , and he walked me into the parlour , with his hand still on my arm ; 'you will not be made uncomfortable any more , I hope . We shall soon improve our youthful humours . ' God help me , I might have been improved for my whole life , I might have been made another creature perhaps , for life , by a kind word at that season . A word of encouragement and explanation , of pity for my childish ignorance , of welcome home , of reassurance to me that it was home , might have made me dutiful to him in my heart henceforth , instead of in my hypocritical outside , and might have made me respect instead of hate him . I thought my mother was sorry to see me standing in the room so scared and strange , and that , presently , when I stole to a chair , she followed me with her eyes more sorrowfully still -- missing , perhaps , some freedom in my childish tread -- but the word was not spoken , and the time for it was gone . We dined alone , we three together . He seemed to be very fond of my mother -- I am afraid I liked him none the better for that -- and she was very fond of him . I gathered from what they said , that an elder sister of his was coming to stay with them , and that she was expected that evening . I am not certain whether I found out then , or afterwards , that , without being actively concerned in any business , he had some share in , or some annual charge upon the profits of , a wine-merchant 's house in London , with which his family had been connected from his great-grandfather 's time , and in which his sister had a similar interest ; but I may mention it in this place , whether or no . After dinner , when we were sitting by the fire , and I was meditating an escape to Peggotty without having the hardihood to slip away , lest it should offend the master of the house , a coach drove up to the garden-gate and he went out to receive the visitor . My mother followed him . I was timidly following her , when she turned round at the parlour door , in the dusk , and taking me in her embrace as she had been used to do , whispered me to love my new father and be obedient to him . She did this hurriedly and secretly , as if it were wrong , but tenderly ; and , putting out her hand behind her , held mine in it , until we came near to where he was standing in the garden , where she let mine go , and drew hers through his arm . It was Miss Murdstone who was arrived , and a gloomy-looking lady she was ; dark , like her brother , whom she greatly resembled in face and voice ; and with very heavy eyebrows , nearly meeting over her large nose , as if , being disabled by the wrongs of her sex from wearing whiskers , she had carried them to that account . She brought with her two uncompromising hard black boxes , with her initials on the lids in hard brass nails . When she paid the coachman she took her money out of a hard steel purse , and she kept the purse in a very jail of a bag which hung upon her arm by a heavy chain , and shut up like a bite . I had never , at that time , seen such a metallic lady altogether as Miss Murdstone was . She was brought into the parlour with many tokens of welcome , and there formally recognized my mother as a new and near relation . Then she looked at me , and said : 'Is that your boy , sister-in-law ? ' My mother acknowledged me . 'Generally speaking , ' said Miss Murdstone , 'I do n't like boys . How d 'ye do , boy ? ' Under these encouraging circumstances , I replied that I was very well , and that I hoped she was the same ; with such an indifferent grace , that Miss Murdstone disposed of me in two words : 'Wants manner ! ' Having uttered which , with great distinctness , she begged the favour of being shown to her room , which became to me from that time forth a place of awe and dread , wherein the two black boxes were never seen open or known to be left unlocked , and where ( for I peeped in once or twice when she was out ) numerous little steel fetters and rivets , with which Miss Murdstone embellished herself when she was dressed , generally hung upon the looking-glass in formidable array . As well as I could make out , she had come for good , and had no intention of ever going again . She began to 'help ' my mother next morning , and was in and out of the store-closet all day , putting things to rights , and making havoc in the old arrangements . Almost the first remarkable thing I observed in Miss Murdstone was , her being constantly haunted by a suspicion that the servants had a man secreted somewhere on the premises . Under the influence of this delusion , she dived into the coal-cellar at the most untimely hours , and scarcely ever opened the door of a dark cupboard without clapping it to again , in the belief that she had got him . Though there was nothing very airy about Miss Murdstone , she was a perfect Lark in point of getting up . She was up ( and , as I believe to this hour , looking for that man ) before anybody in the house was stirring . Peggotty gave it as her opinion that she even slept with one eye open ; but I could not concur in this idea ; for I tried it myself after hearing the suggestion thrown out , and found it could n't be done . On the very first morning after her arrival she was up and ringing her bell at cock-crow . When my mother came down to breakfast and was going to make the tea , Miss Murdstone gave her a kind of peck on the cheek , which was her nearest approach to a kiss , and said : 'Now , Clara , my dear , I am come here , you know , to relieve you of all the trouble I can . You 're much too pretty and thoughtless ' -- my mother blushed but laughed , and seemed not to dislike this character -- 'to have any duties imposed upon you that can be undertaken by me . If you 'll be so good as give me your keys , my dear , I 'll attend to all this sort of thing in future . ' From that time , Miss Murdstone kept the keys in her own little jail all day , and under her pillow all night , and my mother had no more to do with them than I had . My mother did not suffer her authority to pass from her without a shadow of protest . One night when Miss Murdstone had been developing certain household plans to her brother , of which he signified his approbation , my mother suddenly began to cry , and said she thought she might have been consulted . 'Clara ! ' said Mr. Murdstone sternly . 'Clara ! I wonder at you . ' 'Oh , it 's very well to say you wonder , Edward ! ' cried my mother , 'and it 's very well for you to talk about firmness , but you would n't like it yourself . ' Firmness , I may observe , was the grand quality on which both Mr. and Miss Murdstone took their stand . However I might have expressed my comprehension of it at that time , if I had been called upon , I nevertheless did clearly comprehend in my own way , that it was another name for tyranny ; and for a certain gloomy , arrogant , devil 's humour , that was in them both . The creed , as I should state it now , was this . Mr. Murdstone was firm ; nobody in his world was to be so firm as Mr. Murdstone ; nobody else in his world was to be firm at all , for everybody was to be bent to his firmness . Miss Murdstone was an exception . She might be firm , but only by relationship , and in an inferior and tributary degree . My mother was another exception . She might be firm , and must be ; but only in bearing their firmness , and firmly believing there was no other firmness upon earth . 'It 's very hard , ' said my mother , 'that in my own house -- ' 'My own house ? ' repeated Mr. Murdstone . 'Clara ! ' 'OUR own house , I mean , ' faltered my mother , evidently frightened -- 'I hope you must know what I mean , Edward -- it 's very hard that in YOUR own house I may not have a word to say about domestic matters . I am sure I managed very well before we were married . There 's evidence , ' said my mother , sobbing ; 'ask Peggotty if I did n't do very well when I wasn't interfered with ! ' 'Edward , ' said Miss Murdstone , 'let there be an end of this . I go tomorrow . ' 'Jane Murdstone , ' said her brother , 'be silent ! How dare you to insinuate that you do n't know my character better than your words imply ? ' 'I am sure , ' my poor mother went on , at a grievous disadvantage , and with many tears , 'I do n't want anybody to go . I should be very miserable and unhappy if anybody was to go . I do n't ask much . I am not unreasonable . I only want to be consulted sometimes . I am very much obliged to anybody who assists me , and I only want to be consulted as a mere form , sometimes . I thought you were pleased , once , with my being a little inexperienced and girlish , Edward -- I am sure you said so -- but you seem to hate me for it now , you are so severe . ' 'Edward , ' said Miss Murdstone , again , 'let there be an end of this . I go tomorrow . ' 'Jane Murdstone , ' thundered Mr. Murdstone . 'Will you be silent ? How dare you ? ' Miss Murdstone made a jail-delivery of her pocket-handkerchief , and held it before her eyes . 'Clara , ' he continued , looking at my mother , 'you surprise me ! You astound me ! Yes , I had a satisfaction in the thought of marrying an inexperienced and artless person , and forming her character , and infusing into it some amount of that firmness and decision of which it stood in need . But when Jane Murdstone is kind enough to come to my assistance in this endeavour , and to assume , for my sake , a condition something like a housekeeper 's , and when she meets with a base return -- ' 'Oh , pray , pray , Edward , ' cried my mother , 'do n't accuse me of being ungrateful . I am sure I am not ungrateful . No one ever said I was before . I have many faults , but not that . Oh , do n't , my dear ! ' 'When Jane Murdstone meets , I say , ' he went on , after waiting until my mother was silent , 'with a base return , that feeling of mine is chilled and altered . ' 'Do n't , my love , say that ! ' implored my mother very piteously . 'Oh , do n't , Edward ! I ca n't bear to hear it . Whatever I am , I am affectionate . I know I am affectionate . I would n't say it , if I was n't sure that I am . Ask Peggotty . I am sure she 'll tell you I'm affectionate . ' 'There is no extent of mere weakness , Clara , ' said Mr. Murdstone in reply , 'that can have the least weight with me . You lose breath . ' 'Pray let us be friends , ' said my mother , 'I could n't live under coldness or unkindness . I am so sorry . I have a great many defects , I know , and it 's very good of you , Edward , with your strength of mind , to endeavour to correct them for me . Jane , I do n't object to anything . I should be quite broken-hearted if you thought of leaving -- ' My mother was too much overcome to go on . 'Jane Murdstone , ' said Mr. Murdstone to his sister , 'any harsh words between us are , I hope , uncommon . It is not my fault that so unusual an occurrence has taken place tonight . I was betrayed into it by another . Nor is it your fault . You were betrayed into it by another . Let us both try to forget it . And as this , ' he added , after these magnanimous words , 'is not a fit scene for the boy -- David , go to bed ! ' I could hardly find the door , through the tears that stood in my eyes . I was so sorry for my mother 's distress ; but I groped my way out , and groped my way up to my room in the dark , without even having the heart to say good night to Peggotty , or to get a candle from her . When her coming up to look for me , an hour or so afterwards , awoke me , she said that my mother had gone to bed poorly , and that Mr. and Miss Murdstone were sitting alone . Going down next morning rather earlier than usual , I paused outside the parlour door , on hearing my mother 's voice . She was very earnestly and humbly entreating Miss Murdstone 's pardon , which that lady granted , and a perfect reconciliation took place . I never knew my mother afterwards to give an opinion on any matter , without first appealing to Miss Murdstone , or without having first ascertained by some sure means , what Miss Murdstone 's opinion was ; and I never saw Miss Murdstone , when out of temper ( she was infirm that way ) , move her hand towards her bag as if she were going to take out the keys and offer to resign them to my mother , without seeing that my mother was in a terrible fright . The gloomy taint that was in the Murdstone blood , darkened the Murdstone religion , which was austere and wrathful . I have thought , since , that its assuming that character was a necessary consequence of Mr. Murdstone 's firmness , which would n't allow him to let anybody off from the utmost weight of the severest penalties he could find any excuse for . Be this as it may , I well remember the tremendous visages with which we used to go to church , and the changed air of the place . Again , the dreaded Sunday comes round , and I file into the old pew first , like a guarded captive brought to a condemned service . Again , Miss Murdstone , in a black velvet gown , that looks as if it had been made out of a pall , follows close upon me ; then my mother ; then her husband . There is no Peggotty now , as in the old time . Again , I listen to Miss Murdstone mumbling the responses , and emphasizing all the dread words with a cruel relish . Again , I see her dark eyes roll round the church when she says 'miserable sinners ' , as if she were calling all the congregation names . Again , I catch rare glimpses of my mother , moving her lips timidly between the two , with one of them muttering at each ear like low thunder . Again , I wonder with a sudden fear whether it is likely that our good old clergyman can be wrong , and Mr. and Miss Murdstone right , and that all the angels in Heaven can be destroying angels . Again , if I move a finger or relax a muscle of my face , Miss Murdstone pokes me with her prayer-book , and makes my side ache . Yes , and again , as we walk home , I note some neighbours looking at my mother and at me , and whispering . Again , as the three go on arm-in-arm , and I linger behind alone , I follow some of those looks , and wonder if my mother 's step be really not so light as I have seen it , and if the gaiety of her beauty be really almost worried away . Again , I wonder whether any of the neighbours call to mind , as I do , how we used to walk home together , she and I ; and I wonder stupidly about that , all the dreary dismal day . There had been some talk on occasions of my going to boarding-school . Mr. and Miss Murdstone had originated it , and my mother had of course agreed with them . Nothing , however , was concluded on the subject yet . In the meantime , I learnt lessons at home . Shall I ever forget those lessons ! They were presided over nominally by my mother , but really by Mr. Murdstone and his sister , who were always present , and found them a favourable occasion for giving my mother lessons in that miscalled firmness , which was the bane of both our lives . I believe I was kept at home for that purpose . I had been apt enough to learn , and willing enough , when my mother and I had lived alone together . I can faintly remember learning the alphabet at her knee . To this day , when I look upon the fat black letters in the primer , the puzzling novelty of their shapes , and the easy good-nature of O and Q and S , seem to present themselves again before me as they used to do . But they recall no feeling of disgust or reluctance . On the contrary , I seem to have walked along a path of flowers as far as the crocodile-book , and to have been cheered by the gentleness of my mother 's voice and manner all the way . But these solemn lessons which succeeded those , I remember as the death-blow of my peace , and a grievous daily drudgery and misery . They were very long , very numerous , very hard -- perfectly unintelligible , some of them , to me -- and I was generally as much bewildered by them as I believe my poor mother was herself . Let me remember how it used to be , and bring one morning back again . I come into the second-best parlour after breakfast , with my books , and an exercise-book , and a slate . My mother is ready for me at her writing-desk , but not half so ready as Mr. Murdstone in his easy-chair by the window ( though he pretends to be reading a book ) , or as Miss Murdstone , sitting near my mother stringing steel beads . The very sight of these two has such an influence over me , that I begin to feel the words I have been at infinite pains to get into my head , all sliding away , and going I do n't know where . I wonder where they do go , by the by ? I hand the first book to my mother . Perhaps it is a grammar , perhaps a history , or geography . I take a last drowning look at the page as I give it into her hand , and start off aloud at a racing pace while I have got it fresh . I trip over a word . Mr. Murdstone looks up . I trip over another word . Miss Murdstone looks up . I redden , tumble over half-a-dozen words , and stop . I think my mother would show me the book if she dared , but she does not dare , and she says softly : 'Oh , Davy , Davy ! ' 'Now , Clara , ' says Mr. Murdstone , 'be firm with the boy . Do n't say , `` Oh , Davy , Davy ! '' That 's childish . He knows his lesson , or he does not know it . ' 'He does NOT know it , ' Miss Murdstone interposes awfully . 'I am really afraid he does not , ' says my mother . 'Then , you see , Clara , ' returns Miss Murdstone , 'you should just give him the book back , and make him know it . ' 'Yes , certainly , ' says my mother ; 'that is what I intend to do , my dear Jane . Now , Davy , try once more , and do n't be stupid . ' I obey the first clause of the injunction by trying once more , but am not so successful with the second , for I am very stupid . I tumble down before I get to the old place , at a point where I was all right before , and stop to think . But I ca n't think about the lesson . I think of the number of yards of net in Miss Murdstone 's cap , or of the price of Mr. Murdstone 's dressing-gown , or any such ridiculous problem that I have no business with , and do n't want to have anything at all to do with . Mr. Murdstone makes a movement of impatience which I have been expecting for a long time . Miss Murdstone does the same . My mother glances submissively at them , shuts the book , and lays it by as an arrear to be worked out when my other tasks are done . There is a pile of these arrears very soon , and it swells like a rolling snowball . The bigger it gets , the more stupid I get . The case is so hopeless , and I feel that I am wallowing in such a bog of nonsense , that I give up all idea of getting out , and abandon myself to my fate . The despairing way in which my mother and I look at each other , as I blunder on , is truly melancholy . But the greatest effect in these miserable lessons is when my mother ( thinking nobody is observing her ) tries to give me the cue by the motion of her lips . At that instant , Miss Murdstone , who has been lying in wait for nothing else all along , says in a deep warning voice : 'Clara ! ' My mother starts , colours , and smiles faintly . Mr. Murdstone comes out of his chair , takes the book , throws it at me or boxes my ears with it , and turns me out of the room by the shoulders . Even when the lessons are done , the worst is yet to happen , in the shape of an appalling sum . This is invented for me , and delivered to me orally by Mr. Murdstone , and begins , 'If I go into a cheesemonger 's shop , and buy five thousand double-Gloucester cheeses at fourpence-halfpenny each , present payment ' -- at which I see Miss Murdstone secretly overjoyed . I pore over these cheeses without any result or enlightenment until dinner-time , when , having made a Mulatto of myself by getting the dirt of the slate into the pores of my skin , I have a slice of bread to help me out with the cheeses , and am considered in disgrace for the rest of the evening . It seems to me , at this distance of time , as if my unfortunate studies generally took this course . I could have done very well if I had been without the Murdstones ; but the influence of the Murdstones upon me was like the fascination of two snakes on a wretched young bird . Even when I did get through the morning with tolerable credit , there was not much gained but dinner ; for Miss Murdstone never could endure to see me untasked , and if I rashly made any show of being unemployed , called her brother 's attention to me by saying , 'Clara , my dear , there 's nothing like work -- give your boy an exercise ' ; which caused me to be clapped down to some new labour , there and then . As to any recreation with other children of my age , I had very little of that ; for the gloomy theology of the Murdstones made all children out to be a swarm of little vipers ( though there WAS a child once set in the midst of the Disciples ) , and held that they contaminated one another . The natural result of this treatment , continued , I suppose , for some six months or more , was to make me sullen , dull , and dogged . I was not made the less so by my sense of being daily more and more shut out and alienated from my mother . I believe I should have been almost stupefied but for one circumstance . It was this . My father had left a small collection of books in a little room upstairs , to which I had access ( for it adjoined my own ) and which nobody else in our house ever troubled . From that blessed little room , Roderick Random , Peregrine Pickle , Humphrey Clinker , Tom Jones , the Vicar of Wakefield , Don Quixote , Gil Blas , and Robinson Crusoe , came out , a glorious host , to keep me company . They kept alive my fancy , and my hope of something beyond that place and time , -- they , and the Arabian Nights , and the Tales of the Genii , -- and did me no harm ; for whatever harm was in some of them was not there for me ; I knew nothing of it . It is astonishing to me now , how I found time , in the midst of my porings and blunderings over heavier themes , to read those books as I did . It is curious to me how I could ever have consoled myself under my small troubles ( which were great troubles to me ) , by impersonating my favourite characters in them -- as I did -- and by putting Mr. and Miss Murdstone into all the bad ones -- which I did too . I have been Tom Jones ( a child 's Tom Jones , a harmless creature ) for a week together . I have sustained my own idea of Roderick Random for a month at a stretch , I verily believe . I had a greedy relish for a few volumes of Voyages and Travels -- I forget what , now -- that were on those shelves ; and for days and days I can remember to have gone about my region of our house , armed with the centre-piece out of an old set of boot-trees -- the perfect realization of Captain Somebody , of the Royal British Navy , in danger of being beset by savages , and resolved to sell his life at a great price . The Captain never lost dignity , from having his ears boxed with the Latin Grammar . I did ; but the Captain was a Captain and a hero , in despite of all the grammars of all the languages in the world , dead or alive . This was my only and my constant comfort . When I think of it , the picture always rises in my mind , of a summer evening , the boys at play in the churchyard , and I sitting on my bed , reading as if for life . Every barn in the neighbourhood , every stone in the church , and every foot of the churchyard , had some association of its own , in my mind , connected with these books , and stood for some locality made famous in them . I have seen Tom Pipes go climbing up the church-steeple ; I have watched Strap , with the knapsack on his back , stopping to rest himself upon the wicket-gate ; and I know that Commodore Trunnion held that club with Mr. Pickle , in the parlour of our little village alehouse . The reader now understands , as well as I do , what I was when I came to that point of my youthful history to which I am now coming again . One morning when I went into the parlour with my books , I found my mother looking anxious , Miss Murdstone looking firm , and Mr. Murdstone binding something round the bottom of a cane -- a lithe and limber cane , which he left off binding when I came in , and poised and switched in the air . 'I tell you , Clara , ' said Mr. Murdstone , 'I have been often flogged myself . ' 'To be sure ; of course , ' said Miss Murdstone . 'Certainly , my dear Jane , ' faltered my mother , meekly . 'But -- but do you think it did Edward good ? ' 'Do you think it did Edward harm , Clara ? ' asked Mr. Murdstone , gravely . 'That 's the point , ' said his sister . To this my mother returned , 'Certainly , my dear Jane , ' and said no more . I felt apprehensive that I was personally interested in this dialogue , and sought Mr. Murdstone 's eye as it lighted on mine . 'Now , David , ' he said -- and I saw that cast again as he said it -- 'you must be far more careful today than usual . ' He gave the cane another poise , and another switch ; and having finished his preparation of it , laid it down beside him , with an impressive look , and took up his book . This was a good freshener to my presence of mind , as a beginning . I felt the words of my lessons slipping off , not one by one , or line by line , but by the entire page ; I tried to lay hold of them ; but they seemed , if I may so express it , to have put skates on , and to skim away from me with a smoothness there was no checking . We began badly , and went on worse . I had come in with an idea of distinguishing myself rather , conceiving that I was very well prepared ; but it turned out to be quite a mistake . Book after book was added to the heap of failures , Miss Murdstone being firmly watchful of us all the time . And when we came at last to the five thousand cheeses ( canes he made it that day , I remember ) , my mother burst out crying . 'Clara ! ' said Miss Murdstone , in her warning voice . 'I am not quite well , my dear Jane , I think , ' said my mother . I saw him wink , solemnly , at his sister , as he rose and said , taking up the cane : 'Why , Jane , we can hardly expect Clara to bear , with perfect firmness , the worry and torment that David has occasioned her today . That would be stoical . Clara is greatly strengthened and improved , but we can hardly expect so much from her . David , you and I will go upstairs , boy . ' As he took me out at the door , my mother ran towards us . Miss Murdstone said , 'Clara ! are you a perfect fool ? ' and interfered . I saw my mother stop her ears then , and I heard her crying . He walked me up to my room slowly and gravely -- I am certain he had a delight in that formal parade of executing justice -- and when we got there , suddenly twisted my head under his arm . 'Mr . Murdstone ! Sir ! ' I cried to him . 'Do n't ! Pray do n't beat me ! I have tried to learn , sir , but I ca n't learn while you and Miss Murdstone are by . I ca n't indeed ! ' 'Ca n't you , indeed , David ? ' he said . 'We 'll try that . ' He had my head as in a vice , but I twined round him somehow , and stopped him for a moment , entreating him not to beat me . It was only a moment that I stopped him , for he cut me heavily an instant afterwards , and in the same instant I caught the hand with which he held me in my mouth , between my teeth , and bit it through . It sets my teeth on edge to think of it . He beat me then , as if he would have beaten me to death . Above all the noise we made , I heard them running up the stairs , and crying out -- I heard my mother crying out -- and Peggotty . Then he was gone ; and the door was locked outside ; and I was lying , fevered and hot , and torn , and sore , and raging in my puny way , upon the floor . How well I recollect , when I became quiet , what an unnatural stillness seemed to reign through the whole house ! How well I remember , when my smart and passion began to cool , how wicked I began to feel ! I sat listening for a long while , but there was not a sound . I crawled up from the floor , and saw my face in the glass , so swollen , red , and ugly that it almost frightened me . My stripes were sore and stiff , and made me cry afresh , when I moved ; but they were nothing to the guilt I felt . It lay heavier on my breast than if I had been a most atrocious criminal , I dare say . It had begun to grow dark , and I had shut the window ( I had been lying , for the most part , with my head upon the sill , by turns crying , dozing , and looking listlessly out ) , when the key was turned , and Miss Murdstone came in with some bread and meat , and milk . These she put down upon the table without a word , glaring at me the while with exemplary firmness , and then retired , locking the door after her . Long after it was dark I sat there , wondering whether anybody else would come . When this appeared improbable for that night , I undressed , and went to bed ; and , there , I began to wonder fearfully what would be done to me . Whether it was a criminal act that I had committed ? Whether I should be taken into custody , and sent to prison ? Whether I was at all in danger of being hanged ? I never shall forget the waking , next morning ; the being cheerful and fresh for the first moment , and then the being weighed down by the stale and dismal oppression of remembrance . Miss Murdstone reappeared before I was out of bed ; told me , in so many words , that I was free to walk in the garden for half an hour and no longer ; and retired , leaving the door open , that I might avail myself of that permission . I did so , and did so every morning of my imprisonment , which lasted five days . If I could have seen my mother alone , I should have gone down on my knees to her and besought her forgiveness ; but I saw no one , Miss Murdstone excepted , during the whole time -- except at evening prayers in the parlour ; to which I was escorted by Miss Murdstone after everybody else was placed ; where I was stationed , a young outlaw , all alone by myself near the door ; and whence I was solemnly conducted by my jailer , before any one arose from the devotional posture . I only observed that my mother was as far off from me as she could be , and kept her face another way so that I never saw it ; and that Mr. Murdstone 's hand was bound up in a large linen wrapper . The length of those five days I can convey no idea of to any one . They occupy the place of years in my remembrance . The way in which I listened to all the incidents of the house that made themselves audible to me ; the ringing of bells , the opening and shutting of doors , the murmuring of voices , the footsteps on the stairs ; to any laughing , whistling , or singing , outside , which seemed more dismal than anything else to me in my solitude and disgrace -- the uncertain pace of the hours , especially at night , when I would wake thinking it was morning , and find that the family were not yet gone to bed , and that all the length of night had yet to come -- the depressed dreams and nightmares I had -- the return of day , noon , afternoon , evening , when the boys played in the churchyard , and I watched them from a distance within the room , being ashamed to show myself at the window lest they should know I was a prisoner -- the strange sensation of never hearing myself speak -- the fleeting intervals of something like cheerfulness , which came with eating and drinking , and went away with it -- the setting in of rain one evening , with a fresh smell , and its coming down faster and faster between me and the church , until it and gathering night seemed to quench me in gloom , and fear , and remorse -- all this appears to have gone round and round for years instead of days , it is so vividly and strongly stamped on my remembrance . On the last night of my restraint , I was awakened by hearing my own name spoken in a whisper . I started up in bed , and putting out my arms in the dark , said : 'Is that you , Peggotty ? ' There was no immediate answer , but presently I heard my name again , in a tone so very mysterious and awful , that I think I should have gone into a fit , if it had not occurred to me that it must have come through the keyhole . I groped my way to the door , and putting my own lips to the keyhole , whispered : 'Is that you , Peggotty dear ? ' 'Yes , my own precious Davy , ' she replied . 'Be as soft as a mouse , or the Cat 'll hear us . ' I understood this to mean Miss Murdstone , and was sensible of the urgency of the case ; her room being close by . 'How 's mama , dear Peggotty ? Is she very angry with me ? ' I could hear Peggotty crying softly on her side of the keyhole , as I was doing on mine , before she answered . 'No . Not very . ' 'What is going to be done with me , Peggotty dear ? Do you know ? ' 'School . Near London , ' was Peggotty 's answer . I was obliged to get her to repeat it , for she spoke it the first time quite down my throat , in consequence of my having forgotten to take my mouth away from the keyhole and put my ear there ; and though her words tickled me a good deal , I did n't hear them . 'When , Peggotty ? ' 'Tomorrow . ' 'Is that the reason why Miss Murdstone took the clothes out of my drawers ? ' which she had done , though I have forgotten to mention it . 'Yes , ' said Peggotty . 'Box . ' 'Sha n't I see mama ? ' 'Yes , ' said Peggotty . 'Morning . ' Then Peggotty fitted her mouth close to the keyhole , and delivered these words through it with as much feeling and earnestness as a keyhole has ever been the medium of communicating , I will venture to assert : shooting in each broken little sentence in a convulsive little burst of its own . 'Davy , dear . If I ai n't been azackly as intimate with you . Lately , as I used to be . It ai n't because I do n't love you . Just as well and more , my pretty poppet . It 's because I thought it better for you . And for someone else besides . Davy , my darling , are you listening ? Can you hear ? ' 'Ye-ye-ye-yes , Peggotty ! ' I sobbed . 'My own ! ' said Peggotty , with infinite compassion . 'What I want to say , is . That you must never forget me . For I 'll never forget you . And I'll take as much care of your mama , Davy . As ever I took of you . And I won't leave her . The day may come when she 'll be glad to lay her poor head . On her stupid , cross old Peggotty 's arm again . And I 'll write to you , my dear . Though I ai n't no scholar . And I 'll -- I 'll -- ' Peggotty fell to kissing the keyhole , as she could n't kiss me . 'Thank you , dear Peggotty ! ' said I . 'Oh , thank you ! Thank you ! Will you promise me one thing , Peggotty ? Will you write and tell Mr. Peggotty and little Em'ly , and Mrs. Gummidge and Ham , that I am not so bad as they might suppose , and that I sent 'em all my love -- especially to little Em'ly ? Will you , if you please , Peggotty ? ' The kind soul promised , and we both of us kissed the keyhole with the greatest affection -- I patted it with my hand , I recollect , as if it had been her honest face -- and parted . From that night there grew up in my breast a feeling for Peggotty which I can not very well define . She did not replace my mother ; no one could do that ; but she came into a vacancy in my heart , which closed upon her , and I felt towards her something I have never felt for any other human being . It was a sort of comical affection , too ; and yet if she had died , I can not think what I should have done , or how I should have acted out the tragedy it would have been to me . In the morning Miss Murdstone appeared as usual , and told me I was going to school ; which was not altogether such news to me as she supposed . She also informed me that when I was dressed , I was to come downstairs into the parlour , and have my breakfast . There , I found my mother , very pale and with red eyes : into whose arms I ran , and begged her pardon from my suffering soul . 'Oh , Davy ! ' she said . 'That you could hurt anyone I love ! Try to be better , pray to be better ! I forgive you ; but I am so grieved , Davy , that you should have such bad passions in your heart . ' They had persuaded her that I was a wicked fellow , and she was more sorry for that than for my going away . I felt it sorely . I tried to eat my parting breakfast , but my tears dropped upon my bread-and-butter , and trickled into my tea . I saw my mother look at me sometimes , and then glance at the watchful Miss Murdstone , and than look down , or look away . 'Master Copperfield 's box there ! ' said Miss Murdstone , when wheels were heard at the gate . I looked for Peggotty , but it was not she ; neither she nor Mr. Murdstone appeared . My former acquaintance , the carrier , was at the door . The box was taken out to his cart , and lifted in . 'Clara ! ' said Miss Murdstone , in her warning note . 'Ready , my dear Jane , ' returned my mother . 'Good-bye , Davy . You are going for your own good . Good-bye , my child . You will come home in the holidays , and be a better boy . ' 'Clara ! ' Miss Murdstone repeated . 'Certainly , my dear Jane , ' replied my mother , who was holding me . 'I forgive you , my dear boy . God bless you ! ' 'Clara ! ' Miss Murdstone repeated . Miss Murdstone was good enough to take me out to the cart , and to say on the way that she hoped I would repent , before I came to a bad end ; and then I got into the cart , and the lazy horse walked off with it . CHAPTER 5 . I AM SENT AWAY FROM HOME We might have gone about half a mile , and my pocket-handkerchief was quite wet through , when the carrier stopped short . Looking out to ascertain for what , I saw , to My amazement , Peggotty burst from a hedge and climb into the cart . She took me in both her arms , and squeezed me to her stays until the pressure on my nose was extremely painful , though I never thought of that till afterwards when I found it very tender . Not a single word did Peggotty speak . Releasing one of her arms , she put it down in her pocket to the elbow , and brought out some paper bags of cakes which she crammed into my pockets , and a purse which she put into my hand , but not one word did she say . After another and a final squeeze with both arms , she got down from the cart and ran away ; and , my belief is , and has always been , without a solitary button on her gown . I picked up one , of several that were rolling about , and treasured it as a keepsake for a long time . The carrier looked at me , as if to inquire if she were coming back . I shook my head , and said I thought not . 'Then come up , ' said the carrier to the lazy horse ; who came up accordingly . Having by this time cried as much as I possibly could , I began to think it was of no use crying any more , especially as neither Roderick Random , nor that Captain in the Royal British Navy , had ever cried , that I could remember , in trying situations . The carrier , seeing me in this resolution , proposed that my pocket-handkerchief should be spread upon the horse 's back to dry . I thanked him , and assented ; and particularly small it looked , under those circumstances . I had now leisure to examine the purse . It was a stiff leather purse , with a snap , and had three bright shillings in it , which Peggotty had evidently polished up with whitening , for my greater delight . But its most precious contents were two half-crowns folded together in a bit of paper , on which was written , in my mother 's hand , 'For Davy . With my love . ' I was so overcome by this , that I asked the carrier to be so good as to reach me my pocket-handkerchief again ; but he said he thought I had better do without it , and I thought I really had , so I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and stopped myself . For good , too ; though , in consequence of my previous emotions , I was still occasionally seized with a stormy sob . After we had jogged on for some little time , I asked the carrier if he was going all the way . 'All the way where ? ' inquired the carrier . 'There , ' I said . 'Where 's there ? ' inquired the carrier . 'Near London , ' I said . 'Why that horse , ' said the carrier , jerking the rein to point him out , 'would be deader than pork afore he got over half the ground . ' 'Are you only going to Yarmouth then ? ' I asked . 'That 's about it , ' said the carrier . 'And there I shall take you to the stage-cutch , and the stage-cutch that 'll take you to -- wherever it is . ' As this was a great deal for the carrier ( whose name was Mr. Barkis ) to say -- he being , as I observed in a former