DAVID COPPERFIELD By Charles Dickens AFFECTIONATELY INSCRIBED TO THE HON . Mr. AND Mrs. RICHARD WATSON , OF ROCKINGHAM , NORTHAMPTONSHIRE . CONTENTS I. I Am Born II . I Observe III . I Have a Change IV . I Fall into Disgrace V. I Am Sent Away VI . I Enlarge My Circle of Acquaintance VII . My 'First Half ' at Salem House VIII . My Holidays . Especially One Happy Afternoon IX . I Have a Memorable Birthday X. I Become Neglected , and Am Provided For XI . I Begin Life on My Own Account , and Do n't Like It XII . Liking Life on My Own Account No Better , I Form a Great Resolution XIII . The Sequel of My Resolution XIV . My Aunt Makes up Her Mind About Me XV . I Make Another Beginning XVI . I Am a New Boy in More Senses Than One XVII . Somebody Turns Up XVIII . A Retrospect XIX . I Look About Me and Make a Discovery XX . Steerforth 's Home XXI . Little Em'ly XXII . Some Old Scenes , and Some New People XXIII . I Corroborate Mr. Dick , and Choose a Profession XXIV . My First Dissipation XXV . Good and Bad Angels XXVI . I Fall into Captivity XXVII . Tommy Traddles XXVIII . Mr. Micawber 's Gauntlet XXIX . I Visit Steerforth at His Home , Again XXX . A Loss XXXI . A Greater Loss XXXII . The Beginning of a Long Journey XXXIII . Blissful XXXIV . My Aunt Astonishes Me XXXV . Depression XXXVI . Enthusiasm XXXVII . A Little Cold Water XXXVIII . A Dissolution of Partnership XXXIX . Wickfield and Heep XL . The Wanderer XLI . Dora 's Aunts XLII . Mischief XLIII . Another Retrospect XLIV . Our Housekeeping XLV . Mr. Dick Fulfils My Aunt 's Predictions XLVI . Intelligence XLVII . Martha XLVIII . Domestic XLIX . I Am Involved in Mystery L. Mr. Peggotty 's Dream Comes True LI . The Beginning of a Longer Journey LII . I Assist at an Explosion LIII . Another Retrospect LIV . Mr. Micawber 's Transactions LV . Tempest LVI . The New Wound , and the Old LVII . The Emigrants LVIII . Absence LIX . Return LX . Agnes LXI . I Am Shown Two Interesting Penitents LXII . A Light Shines on My Way LXIII . A Visitor LXIV . A Last Retrospect PREFACE TO 1850 EDITION I do not find it easy to get sufficiently far away from this Book , in the first sensations of having finished it , to refer to it with the composure which this formal heading would seem to require . My interest in it , is so recent and strong ; and my mind is so divided between pleasure and regret -- pleasure in the achievement of a long design , regret in the separation from many companions -- that I am in danger of wearying the reader whom I love , with personal confidences , and private emotions . Besides which , all that I could say of the Story , to any purpose , I have endeavoured to say in it . It would concern the reader little , perhaps , to know , how sorrowfully the pen is laid down at the close of a two-years ' imaginative task ; or how an Author feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself into the shadowy world , when a crowd of the creatures of his brain are going from him for ever . Yet , I have nothing else to tell ; unless , indeed , I were to confess ( which might be of less moment still ) that no one can ever believe this Narrative , in the reading , more than I have believed it in the writing . Instead of looking back , therefore , I will look forward . I can not close this Volume more agreeably to myself , than with a hopeful glance towards the time when I shall again put forth my two green leaves once a month , and with a faithful remembrance of the genial sun and showers that have fallen on these leaves of David Copperfield , and made me happy . London , October , 1850 . PREFACE TO THE CHARLES DICKENS EDITION I REMARKED in the original Preface to this Book , that I did not find it easy to get sufficiently far away from it , in the first sensations of having finished it , to refer to it with the composure which this formal heading would seem to require . My interest in it was so recent and strong , and my mind was so divided between pleasure and regret -- pleasure in the achievement of a long design , regret in the separation from many companions -- that I was in danger of wearying the reader with personal confidences and private emotions . Besides which , all that I could have said of the Story to any purpose , I had endeavoured to say in it . It would concern the reader little , perhaps , to know how sorrowfully the pen is laid down at the close of a two-years ' imaginative task ; or how an Author feels as if he were dismissing some portion of himself into the shadowy world , when a crowd of the creatures of his brain are going from him for ever . Yet , I had nothing else to tell ; unless , indeed , I were to confess ( which might be of less moment still ) , that no one can ever believe this Narrative , in the reading , more than I believed it in the writing . So true are these avowals at the present day , that I can now only take the reader into one confidence more . Of all my books , I like this the best . It will be easily believed that I am a fond parent to every child of my fancy , and that no one can ever love that family as dearly as I love them . But , like many fond parents , I have in my heart of hearts a favourite child . And his name is DAVID COPPERFIELD . 1869 THE PERSONAL HISTORY AND EXPERIENCE OF DAVID COPPERFIELD THE YOUNGER CHAPTER 1 . I AM BORN Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life , or whether that station will be held by anybody else , these pages must show . To begin my life with the beginning of my life , I record that I was born ( as I have been informed and believe ) on a Friday , at twelve o'clock at night . It was remarked that the clock began to strike , and I began to cry , simultaneously . In consideration of the day and hour of my birth , it was declared by the nurse , and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had taken a lively interest in me several months before there was any possibility of our becoming personally acquainted , first , that I was destined to be unlucky in life ; and secondly , that I was privileged to see ghosts and spirits ; both these gifts inevitably attaching , as they believed , to all unlucky infants of either gender , born towards the small hours on a Friday night . I need say nothing here , on the first head , because nothing can show better than my history whether that prediction was verified or falsified by the result . On the second branch of the question , I will only remark , that unless I ran through that part of my inheritance while I was still a baby , I have not come into it yet . But I do not at all complain of having been kept out of this property ; and if anybody else should be in the present enjoyment of it , he is heartily welcome to keep it . I was born with a caul , which was advertised for sale , in the newspapers , at the low price of fifteen guineas . Whether sea-going people were short of money about that time , or were short of faith and preferred cork jackets , I do n't know ; all I know is , that there was but one solitary bidding , and that was from an attorney connected with the bill-broking business , who offered two pounds in cash , and the balance in sherry , but declined to be guaranteed from drowning on any higher bargain . Consequently the advertisement was withdrawn at a dead loss -- for as to sherry , my poor dear mother 's own sherry was in the market then -- and ten years afterwards , the caul was put up in a raffle down in our part of the country , to fifty members at half-a-crown a head , the winner to spend five shillings . I was present myself , and I remember to have felt quite uncomfortable and confused , at a part of myself being disposed of in that way . The caul was won , I recollect , by an old lady with a hand-basket , who , very reluctantly , produced from it the stipulated five shillings , all in halfpence , and twopence halfpenny short -- as it took an immense time and a great waste of arithmetic , to endeavour without any effect to prove to her . It is a fact which will be long remembered as remarkable down there , that she was never drowned , but died triumphantly in bed , at ninety-two . I have understood that it was , to the last , her proudest boast , that she never had been on the water in her life , except upon a bridge ; and that over her tea ( to which she was extremely partial ) she , to the last , expressed her indignation at the impiety of mariners and others , who had the presumption to go 'meandering ' about the world . It was in vain to represent to her that some conveniences , tea perhaps included , resulted from this objectionable practice . She always returned , with greater emphasis and with an instinctive knowledge of the strength of her objection , 'Let us have no meandering . ' Not to meander myself , at present , I will go back to my birth . I was born at Blunderstone , in Suffolk , or 'there by ' , as they say in Scotland . I was a posthumous child . My father 's eyes had closed upon the light of this world six months , when mine opened on it . There is something strange to me , even now , in the reflection that he never saw me ; and something stranger yet in the shadowy remembrance that I have of my first childish associations with his white grave-stone in the churchyard , and of the indefinable compassion I used to feel for it lying out alone there in the dark night , when our little parlour was warm and bright with fire and candle , and the doors of our house were -- almost cruelly , it seemed to me sometimes -- bolted and locked against it . An aunt of my father 's , and consequently a great-aunt of mine , of whom I shall have more to relate by and by , was the principal magnate of our family . Miss Trotwood , or Miss Betsey , as my poor mother always called her , when she sufficiently overcame her dread of this formidable personage to mention her at all ( which was seldom ) , had been married to a husband younger than herself , who was very handsome , except in the sense of the homely adage , 'handsome is , that handsome does ' -- for he was strongly suspected of having beaten Miss Betsey , and even of having once , on a disputed question of supplies , made some hasty but determined arrangements to throw her out of a two pair of stairs ' window . These evidences of an incompatibility of temper induced Miss Betsey to pay him off , and effect a separation by mutual consent . He went to India with his capital , and there , according to a wild legend in our family , he was once seen riding on an elephant , in company with a Baboon ; but I think it must have been a Baboo -- or a Begum . Anyhow , from India tidings of his death reached home , within ten years . How they affected my aunt , nobody knew ; for immediately upon the separation , she took her maiden name again , bought a cottage in a hamlet on the sea-coast a long way off , established herself there as a single woman with one servant , and was understood to live secluded , ever afterwards , in an inflexible retirement . My father had once been a favourite of hers , I believe ; but she was mortally affronted by his marriage , on the ground that my mother was 'a wax doll ' . She had never seen my mother , but she knew her to be not yet twenty . My father and Miss Betsey never met again . He was double my mother 's age when he married , and of but a delicate constitution . He died a year afterwards , and , as I have said , six months before I came into the world . This was the state of matters , on the afternoon of , what I may be excused for calling , that eventful and important Friday . I can make no claim therefore to have known , at that time , how matters stood ; or to have any remembrance , founded on the evidence of my own senses , of what follows . My mother was sitting by the fire , but poorly in health , and very low in spirits , looking at it through her tears , and desponding heavily about herself and the fatherless little stranger , who was already welcomed by some grosses of prophetic pins , in a drawer upstairs , to a world not at all excited on the subject of his arrival ; my mother , I say , was sitting by the fire , that bright , windy March afternoon , very timid and sad , and very doubtful of ever coming alive out of the trial that was before her , when , lifting her eyes as she dried them , to the window opposite , she saw a strange lady coming up the garden . My mother had a sure foreboding at the second glance , that it was Miss Betsey . The setting sun was glowing on the strange lady , over the garden-fence , and she came walking up to the door with a fell rigidity of figure and composure of countenance that could have belonged to nobody else . When she reached the house , she gave another proof of her identity . My father had often hinted that she seldom conducted herself like any ordinary Christian ; and now , instead of ringing the bell , she came and looked in at that identical window , pressing the end of her nose against the glass to that extent , that my poor dear mother used to say it became perfectly flat and white in a moment . She gave my mother such a turn , that I have always been convinced I am indebted to Miss Betsey for having been born on a Friday . My mother had left her chair in her agitation , and gone behind it in the corner . Miss Betsey , looking round the room , slowly and inquiringly , began on the other side , and carried her eyes on , like a Saracen 's Head in a Dutch clock , until they reached my mother . Then she made a frown and a gesture to my mother , like one who was accustomed to be obeyed , to come and open the door . My mother went . 'Mrs . David Copperfield , I think , ' said Miss Betsey ; the emphasis referring , perhaps , to my mother 's mourning weeds , and her condition . 'Yes , ' said my mother , faintly . 'Miss Trotwood , ' said the visitor . 'You have heard of her , I dare say ? ' My mother answered she had had that pleasure . And she had a disagreeable consciousness of not appearing to imply that it had been an overpowering pleasure . 'Now you see her , ' said Miss Betsey . My mother bent her head , and begged her to walk in . They went into the parlour my mother had come from , the fire in the best room on the other side of the passage not being lighted -- not having been lighted , indeed , since my father 's funeral ; and when they were both seated , and Miss Betsey said nothing , my mother , after vainly trying to restrain herself , began to cry . 'Oh tut , tut , tut ! ' said Miss Betsey , in a hurry . 'Do n't do that ! Come , come ! ' My mother could n't help it notwithstanding , so she cried until she had had her cry out . 'Take off your cap , child , ' said Miss Betsey , 'and let me see you . ' My mother was too much afraid of her to refuse compliance with this odd request , if she had any disposition to do so . Therefore she did as she was told , and did it with such nervous hands that her hair ( which was luxuriant and beautiful ) fell all about her face . 'Why , bless my heart ! ' exclaimed Miss Betsey . 'You are a very Baby ! ' My mother was , no doubt , unusually youthful in appearance even for her years ; she hung her head , as if it were her fault , poor thing , and said , sobbing , that indeed she was afraid she was but a childish widow , and would be but a childish mother if she lived . In a short pause which ensued , she had a fancy that she felt Miss Betsey touch her hair , and that with no ungentle hand ; but , looking at her , in her timid hope , she found that lady sitting with the skirt of her dress tucked up , her hands folded on one knee , and her feet upon the fender , frowning at the fire . 'In the name of Heaven , ' said Miss Betsey , suddenly , 'why Rookery ? ' 'Do you mean the house , ma'am ? ' asked my mother . 'Why Rookery ? ' said Miss Betsey . 'Cookery would have been more to the purpose , if you had had any practical ideas of life , either of you . ' 'The name was Mr. Copperfield 's choice , ' returned my mother . 'When he bought the house , he liked to think that there were rooks about it . ' The evening wind made such a disturbance just now , among some tall old elm-trees at the bottom of the garden , that neither my mother nor Miss Betsey could forbear glancing that way . As the elms bent to one another , like giants who were whispering secrets , and after a few seconds of such repose , fell into a violent flurry , tossing their wild arms about , as if their late confidences were really too wicked for their peace of mind , some weatherbeaten ragged old rooks'-nests , burdening their higher branches , swung like wrecks upon a stormy sea . 'Where are the birds ? ' asked Miss Betsey . 'The -- ? ' My mother had been thinking of something else . 'The rooks -- what has become of them ? ' asked Miss Betsey . 'There have not been any since we have lived here , ' said my mother . 'We thought -- Mr. Copperfield thought -- it was quite a large rookery ; but the nests were very old ones , and the birds have deserted them a long while . ' 'David Copperfield all over ! ' cried Miss Betsey . 'David Copperfield from head to foot ! Calls a house a rookery when there 's not a rook near it , and takes the birds on trust , because he sees the nests ! ' 'Mr . Copperfield , ' returned my mother , 'is dead , and if you dare to speak unkindly of him to me -- ' My poor dear mother , I suppose , had some momentary intention of committing an assault and battery upon my aunt , who could easily have settled her with one hand , even if my mother had been in far better training for such an encounter than she was that evening . But it passed with the action of rising from her chair ; and she sat down again very meekly , and fainted . When she came to herself , or when Miss Betsey had restored her , whichever it was , she found the latter standing at the window . The twilight was by this time shading down into darkness ; and dimly as they saw each other , they could not have done that without the aid of the fire . 'Well ? ' said Miss Betsey , coming back to her chair , as if she had only been taking a casual look at the prospect ; 'and when do you expect -- ' 'I am all in a tremble , ' faltered my mother . 'I do n't know what 's the matter . I shall die , I am sure ! ' 'No , no , no , ' said Miss Betsey . 'Have some tea . ' 'Oh dear me , dear me , do you think it will do me any good ? ' cried my mother in a helpless manner . 'Of course it will , ' said Miss Betsey . 'It 's nothing but fancy . What do you call your girl ? ' 'I do n't know that it will be a girl , yet , ma'am , ' said my mother innocently . 'Bless the Baby ! ' exclaimed Miss Betsey , unconsciously quoting the second sentiment of the pincushion in the drawer upstairs , but applying it to my mother instead of me , 'I do n't mean that . I mean your servant-girl . ' 'Peggotty , ' said my mother . 'Peggotty ! ' repeated Miss Betsey , with some indignation . 'Do you mean to say , child , that any human being has gone into a Christian church , and got herself named Peggotty ? ' 'It 's her surname , ' said my mother , faintly . 'Mr . Copperfield called her by it , because her Christian name was the same as mine . ' 'Here ! Peggotty ! ' cried Miss Betsey , opening the parlour door . 'Tea . Your mistress is a little unwell . Do n't dawdle . ' Having issued this mandate with as much potentiality as if she had been a recognized authority in the house ever since it had been a house , and having looked out to confront the amazed Peggotty coming along the passage with a candle at the sound of a strange voice , Miss Betsey shut the door again , and sat down as before : with her feet on the fender , the skirt of her dress tucked up , and her hands folded on one knee . 'You were speaking about its being a girl , ' said Miss Betsey . 'I have no doubt it will be a girl . I have a presentiment that it must be a girl . Now child , from the moment of the birth of this girl -- ' 'Perhaps boy , ' my mother took the liberty of putting in . 'I tell you I have a presentiment that it must be a girl , ' returned Miss Betsey . 'Do n't contradict . From the moment of this girl 's birth , child , I intend to be her friend . I intend to be her godmother , and I beg you 'll call her Betsey Trotwood Copperfield . There must be no mistakes in life with THIS Betsey Trotwood . There must be no trifling with HER affections , poor dear . She must be well brought up , and well guarded from reposing any foolish confidences where they are not deserved . I must make that MY care . ' There was a twitch of Miss Betsey 's head , after each of these sentences , as if her own old wrongs were working within her , and she repressed any plainer reference to them by strong constraint . So my mother suspected , at least , as she observed her by the low glimmer of the fire : too much scared by Miss Betsey , too uneasy in herself , and too subdued and bewildered altogether , to observe anything very clearly , or to know what to say . 'And was David good to you , child ? ' asked Miss Betsey , when she had been silent for a little while , and these motions of her head had gradually ceased . 'Were you comfortable together ? ' 'We were very happy , ' said my mother . 'Mr . Copperfield was only too good to me . ' 'What , he spoilt you , I suppose ? ' returned Miss Betsey . 'For being quite alone and dependent on myself in this rough world again , yes , I fear he did indeed , ' sobbed my mother . 'Well ! Do n't cry ! ' said Miss Betsey . 'You were not equally matched , child -- if any two people can be equally matched -- and so I asked the question . You were an orphan , were n't you ? ' 'Yes . ' 'And a governess ? ' 'I was nursery-governess in a family where Mr. Copperfield came to visit . Mr. Copperfield was very kind to me , and took a great deal of notice of me , and paid me a good deal of attention , and at last proposed to me . And I accepted him . And so we were married , ' said my mother simply . 'Ha ! Poor Baby ! ' mused Miss Betsey , with her frown still bent upon the fire . 'Do you know anything ? ' 'I beg your pardon , ma'am , ' faltered my mother . 'About keeping house , for instance , ' said Miss Betsey . 'Not much , I fear , ' returned my mother . 'Not so much as I could wish . But Mr. Copperfield was teaching me -- ' ( 'Much he knew about it himself ! ' ) said Miss Betsey in a parenthesis . -- 'And I hope I should have improved , being very anxious to learn , and he very patient to teach me , if the great misfortune of his death ' -- my mother broke down again here , and could get no farther . 'Well , well ! ' said Miss Betsey . -- 'I kept my housekeeping-book regularly , and balanced it with Mr. Copperfield every night , ' cried my mother in another burst of distress , and breaking down again . 'Well , well ! ' said Miss Betsey . 'Do n't cry any more . ' -- 'And I am sure we never had a word of difference respecting it , except when Mr. Copperfield objected to my threes and fives being too much like each other , or to my putting curly tails to my sevens and nines , ' resumed my mother in another burst , and breaking down again . 'You 'll make yourself ill , ' said Miss Betsey , 'and you know that will not be good either for you or for my god-daughter . Come ! You must n't do it ! ' This argument had some share in quieting my mother , though her increasing indisposition had a larger one . There was an interval of silence , only broken by Miss Betsey 's occasionally ejaculating 'Ha ! ' as she sat with her feet upon the fender . 'David had bought an annuity for himself with his money , I know , ' said she , by and by . 'What did he do for you ? ' 'Mr . Copperfield , ' said my mother , answering with some difficulty , 'was so considerate and good as to secure the reversion of a part of it to me . ' 'How much ? ' asked Miss Betsey . 'A hundred and five pounds a year , ' said my mother . 'He might have done worse , ' said my aunt . The word was appropriate to the moment . My mother was so much worse that Peggotty , coming in with the teaboard and candles , and seeing at a glance how ill she was , -- as Miss Betsey might have done sooner if there had been light enough , -- conveyed her upstairs to her own room with all speed ; and immediately dispatched Ham Peggotty , her nephew , who had been for some days past secreted in the house , unknown to my mother , as a special messenger in case of emergency , to fetch the nurse and doctor . Those allied powers were considerably astonished , when they arrived within a few minutes of each other , to find an unknown lady of portentous appearance , sitting before the fire , with her bonnet tied over her left arm , stopping her ears with jewellers ' cotton . Peggotty knowing nothing about her , and my mother saying nothing about her , she was quite a mystery in the parlour ; and the fact of her having a magazine of jewellers ' cotton in her pocket , and sticking the article in her ears in that way , did not detract from the solemnity of her presence . The doctor having been upstairs and come down again , and having satisfied himself , I suppose , that there was a probability of this unknown lady and himself having to sit there , face to face , for some hours , laid himself out to be polite and social . He was the meekest of his sex , the mildest of little men . He sidled in and out of a room , to take up the less space . He walked as softly as the Ghost in Hamlet , and more slowly . He carried his head on one side , partly in modest depreciation of himself , partly in modest propitiation of everybody else . It is nothing to say that he had n't a word to throw at a dog . He could n't have thrown a word at a mad dog . He might have offered him one gently , or half a one , or a fragment of one ; for he spoke as slowly as he walked ; but he would n't have been rude to him , and he could n't have been quick with him , for any earthly consideration . Mr. Chillip , looking mildly at my aunt with his head on one side , and making her a little bow , said , in allusion to the jewellers ' cotton , as he softly touched his left ear : 'Some local irritation , ma'am ? ' 'What ! ' replied my aunt , pulling the cotton out of one ear like a cork . Mr. Chillip was so alarmed by her abruptness -- as he told my mother afterwards -- that it was a mercy he did n't lose his presence of mind . But he repeated sweetly : 'Some local irritation , ma'am ? ' 'Nonsense ! ' replied my aunt , and corked herself again , at one blow . Mr. Chillip could do nothing after this , but sit and look at her feebly , as she sat and looked at the fire , until he was called upstairs again . After some quarter of an hour 's absence , he returned . 'Well ? ' said my aunt , taking the cotton out of the ear nearest to him . 'Well , ma'am , ' returned Mr. Chillip , 'we are -- we are progressing slowly , ma'am . ' 'Ba -- a -- ah ! ' said my aunt , with a perfect shake on the contemptuous interjection . And corked herself as before . Really -- really -- as Mr. Chillip told my mother , he was almost shocked ; speaking in a professional point of view alone , he was almost shocked . But he sat and looked at her , notwithstanding , for nearly two hours , as she sat looking at the fire , until he was again called out . After another absence , he again returned . 'Well ? ' said my aunt , taking out the cotton on that side again . 'Well , ma'am , ' returned Mr. Chillip , 'we are -- we are progressing slowly , ma'am . ' 'Ya -- a -- ah ! ' said my aunt . With such a snarl at him , that Mr. Chillip absolutely could not bear it . It was really calculated to break his spirit , he said afterwards . He preferred to go and sit upon the stairs , in the dark and a strong draught , until he was again sent for . Ham Peggotty , who went to the national school , and was a very dragon at his catechism , and who may therefore be regarded as a credible witness , reported next day , that happening to peep in at the parlour-door an hour after this , he was instantly descried by Miss Betsey , then walking to and fro in a state of agitation , and pounced upon before he could make his escape . That there were now occasional sounds of feet and voices overhead which he inferred the cotton did not exclude , from the circumstance of his evidently being clutched by the lady as a victim on whom to expend her superabundant agitation when the sounds were loudest . That , marching him constantly up and down by the collar ( as if he had been taking too much laudanum ) , she , at those times , shook him , rumpled his hair , made light of his linen , stopped his ears as if she confounded them with her own , and otherwise tousled and maltreated him . This was in part confirmed by his aunt , who saw him at half past twelve o'clock , soon after his release , and affirmed that he was then as red as I was . The mild Mr. Chillip could not possibly bear malice at such a time , if at any time . He sidled into the parlour as soon as he was at liberty , and said to my aunt in his meekest manner : 'Well , ma'am , I am happy to congratulate you . ' 'What upon ? ' said my aunt , sharply . Mr. Chillip was fluttered again , by the extreme severity of my aunt's manner ; so he made her a little bow and gave her a little smile , to mollify her . 'Mercy on the man , what 's he doing ! ' cried my aunt , impatiently . 'Can't he speak ? ' 'Be calm , my dear ma'am , ' said Mr. Chillip , in his softest accents . 'There is no longer any occasion for uneasiness , ma'am . Be calm . ' It has since been considered almost a miracle that my aunt did n't shake him , and shake what he had to say , out of him . She only shook her own head at him , but in a way that made him quail . 'Well , ma'am , ' resumed Mr. Chillip , as soon as he had courage , 'I am happy to congratulate you . All is now over , ma'am , and well over . ' During the five minutes or so that Mr. Chillip devoted to the delivery of this oration , my aunt eyed him narrowly . 'How is she ? ' said my aunt , folding her arms with her bonnet still tied on one of them . 'Well , ma'am , she will soon be quite comfortable , I hope , ' returned Mr. Chillip . 'Quite as comfortable as we can expect a young mother to be , under these melancholy domestic circumstances . There can not be any objection to your seeing her presently , ma'am . It may do her good . ' 'And SHE . How is SHE ? ' said my aunt , sharply . Mr. Chillip laid his head a little more on one side , and looked at my aunt like an amiable bird . 'The baby , ' said my aunt . 'How is she ? ' 'Ma'am , ' returned Mr. Chillip , 'I apprehended you had known . It 's a boy . ' My aunt said never a word , but took her bonnet by the strings , in the manner of a sling , aimed a blow at Mr. Chillip 's head with it , put it on bent , walked out , and never came back . She vanished like a discontented fairy ; or like one of those supernatural beings , whom it was popularly supposed I was entitled to see ; and never came back any more . No . I lay in my basket , and my mother lay in her bed ; but Betsey Trotwood Copperfield was for ever in the land of dreams and shadows , the tremendous region whence I had so lately travelled ; and the light upon the window of our room shone out upon the earthly bourne of all such travellers , and the mound above the ashes and the dust that once was he , without whom I had never been . CHAPTER 2 . I OBSERVE The first objects that assume a distinct presence before me , as I look far back , into the blank of my infancy , are my mother with her pretty hair and youthful shape , and Peggotty with no shape at all , and eyes so dark that they seemed to darken their whole neighbourhood in her face , and cheeks and arms so hard and red that I wondered the birds didn't peck her in preference to apples . I believe I can remember these two at a little distance apart , dwarfed to my sight by stooping down or kneeling on the floor , and I going unsteadily from the one to the other . I have an impression on my mind which I can not distinguish from actual remembrance , of the touch of Peggotty 's forefinger as she used to hold it out to me , and of its being roughened by needlework , like a pocket nutmeg-grater . This may be fancy , though I think the memory of most of us can go farther back into such times than many of us suppose ; just as I believe the power of observation in numbers of very young children to be quite wonderful for its closeness and accuracy . Indeed , I think that most grown men who are remarkable in this respect , may with greater propriety be said not to have lost the faculty , than to have acquired it ; the rather , as I generally observe such men to retain a certain freshness , and gentleness , and capacity of being pleased , which are also an inheritance they have preserved from their childhood . I might have a misgiving that I am 'meandering ' in stopping to say this , but that it brings me to remark that I build these conclusions , in part upon my own experience of myself ; and if it should appear from anything I may set down in this narrative that I was a child of close observation , or that as a man I have a strong memory of my childhood , I undoubtedly lay claim to both of these characteristics . Looking back , as I was saying , into the blank of my infancy , the first objects I can remember as standing out by themselves from a confusion of things , are my mother and Peggotty . What else do I remember ? Let me see . There comes out of the cloud , our house -- not new to me , but quite familiar , in its earliest remembrance . On the ground-floor is Peggotty's kitchen , opening into a back yard ; with a pigeon-house on a pole , in the centre , without any pigeons in it ; a great dog-kennel in a corner , without any dog ; and a quantity of fowls that look terribly tall to me , walking about , in a menacing and ferocious manner . There is one cock who gets upon a post to crow , and seems to take particular notice of me as I look at him through the kitchen window , who makes me shiver , he is so fierce . Of the geese outside the side-gate who come waddling after me with their long necks stretched out when I go that way , I dream at night : as a man environed by wild beasts might dream of lions . Here is a long passage -- what an enormous perspective I make of it ! -- leading from Peggotty 's kitchen to the front door . A dark store-room opens out of it , and that is a place to be run past at night ; for I do n't know what may be among those tubs and jars and old tea-chests , when there is nobody in there with a dimly-burning light , letting a mouldy air come out of the door , in which there is the smell of soap , pickles , pepper , candles , and coffee , all at one whiff . Then there are the two parlours : the parlour in which we sit of an evening , my mother and I and Peggotty -- for Peggotty is quite our companion , when her work is done and we are alone -- and the best parlour where we sit on a Sunday ; grandly , but not so comfortably . There is something of a doleful air about that room to me , for Peggotty has told me -- I don't know when , but apparently ages ago -- about my father 's funeral , and the company having their black cloaks put on . One Sunday night my mother reads to Peggotty and me in there , how Lazarus was raised up from the dead . And I am so frightened that they are afterwards obliged to take me out of bed , and show me the quiet churchyard out of the bedroom window , with the dead all lying in their graves at rest , below the solemn moon . There is nothing half so green that I know anywhere , as the grass of that churchyard ; nothing half so shady as its trees ; nothing half so quiet as its tombstones . The sheep are feeding there , when I kneel up , early in the morning , in my little bed in a closet within my mother's room , to look out at it ; and I see the red light shining on the sun-dial , and think within myself , 'Is the sun-dial glad , I wonder , that it can tell the time again ? ' Here is our pew in the church . What a high-backed pew ! With a window near it , out of which our house can be seen , and IS seen many times during the morning 's service , by Peggotty , who likes to make herself as sure as she can that it 's not being robbed , or is not in flames . But though Peggotty 's eye wanders , she is much offended if mine does , and frowns to me , as I stand upon the seat , that I am to look at the clergyman . But I ca n't always look at him -- I know him without that white thing on , and I am afraid of his wondering why I stare so , and perhaps stopping the service to inquire -- and what am I to do ? It 's a dreadful thing to gape , but I must do something . I look at my mother , but she pretends not to see me . I look at a boy in the aisle , and he makes faces at me . I look at the sunlight coming in at the open door through the porch , and there I see a stray sheep -- I do n't mean a sinner , but mutton -- half making up his mind to come into the church . I feel that if I looked at him any longer , I might be tempted to say something out loud ; and what would become of me then ! I look up at the monumental tablets on the wall , and try to think of Mr. Bodgers late of this parish , and what the feelings of Mrs. Bodgers must have been , when affliction sore , long time Mr. Bodgers bore , and physicians were in vain . I wonder whether they called in Mr. Chillip , and he was in vain ; and if so , how he likes to be reminded of it once a week . I look from Mr. Chillip , in his Sunday neckcloth , to the pulpit ; and think what a good place it would be to play in , and what a castle it would make , with another boy coming up the stairs to attack it , and having the velvet cushion with the tassels thrown down on his head . In time my eyes gradually shut up ; and , from seeming to hear the clergyman singing a drowsy song in the heat , I hear nothing , until I fall off the seat with a crash , and am taken out , more dead than alive , by Peggotty . And now I see the outside of our house , with the latticed bedroom-windows standing open to let in the sweet-smelling air , and the ragged old rooks'-nests still dangling in the elm-trees at the bottom of the front garden . Now I am in the garden at the back , beyond the yard where the empty pigeon-house and dog-kennel are -- a very preserve of butterflies , as I remember it , with a high fence , and a gate and padlock ; where the fruit clusters on the trees , riper and richer than fruit has ever been since , in any other garden , and where my mother gathers some in a basket , while I stand by , bolting furtive gooseberries , and trying to look unmoved . A great wind rises , and the summer is gone in a moment . We are playing in the winter twilight , dancing about the parlour . When my mother is out of breath and rests herself in an elbow-chair , I watch her winding her bright curls round her fingers , and straitening her waist , and nobody knows better than I do that she likes to look so well , and is proud of being so pretty . That is among my very earliest impressions . That , and a sense that we were both a little afraid of Peggotty , and submitted ourselves in most things to her direction , were among the first opinions -- if they may be so called -- that I ever derived from what I saw . Peggotty and I were sitting one night by the parlour fire , alone . I had been reading to Peggotty about crocodiles . I must have read very perspicuously , or the poor soul must have been deeply interested , for I remember she had a cloudy impression , after I had done , that they were a sort of vegetable . I was tired of reading , and dead sleepy ; but having leave , as a high treat , to sit up until my mother came home from spending the evening at a neighbour 's , I would rather have died upon my post ( of course ) than have gone to bed . I had reached that stage of sleepiness when Peggotty seemed to swell and grow immensely large . I propped my eyelids open with my two forefingers , and looked perseveringly at her as she sat at work ; at the little bit of wax-candle she kept for her thread -- how old it looked , being so wrinkled in all directions ! -- at the little house with a thatched roof , where the yard-measure lived ; at her work-box with a sliding lid , with a view of St. Paul 's Cathedral ( with a pink dome ) painted on the top ; at the brass thimble on her finger ; at herself , whom I thought lovely . I felt so sleepy , that I knew if I lost sight of anything for a moment , I was gone . 'Peggotty , ' says I , suddenly , 'were you ever married ? ' 'Lord , Master Davy , ' replied Peggotty . 'What 's put marriage in your head ? ' She answered with such a start , that it quite awoke me . And then she stopped in her work , and looked at me , with her needle drawn out to its thread 's length . 'But WERE you ever married , Peggotty ? ' says I . 'You are a very handsome woman , a n't you ? ' I thought her in a different style from my mother , certainly ; but of another school of beauty , I considered her a perfect example . There was a red velvet footstool in the best parlour , on which my mother had painted a nosegay . The ground-work of that stool , and Peggotty's complexion appeared to me to be one and the same thing . The stool was smooth , and Peggotty was rough , but that made no difference . 'Me handsome , Davy ! ' said Peggotty . 'Lawk , no , my dear ! But what put marriage in your head ? ' 'I do n't know ! -- You must n't marry more than one person at a time , may you , Peggotty ? ' 'Certainly not , ' says Peggotty , with the promptest decision . 'But if you marry a person , and the person dies , why then you may marry another person , may n't you , Peggotty ? ' 'YOU MAY , ' says Peggotty , 'if you choose , my dear . That 's a matter of opinion . ' 'But what is your opinion , Peggotty ? ' said I. I asked her , and looked curiously at her , because she looked so curiously at me . 'My opinion is , ' said Peggotty , taking her eyes from me , after a little indecision and going on with her work , 'that I never was married myself , Master Davy , and that I do n't expect to be . That 's all I know about the subject . ' 'You a n't cross , I suppose , Peggotty , are you ? ' said I , after sitting quiet for a minute . I really thought she was , she had been so short with me ; but I was quite mistaken : for she laid aside her work ( which was a stocking of her own ) , and opening her arms wide , took my curly head within them , and gave it a good squeeze . I know it was a good squeeze , because , being very plump , whenever she made any little exertion after she was dressed , some of the buttons on the back of her gown flew off . And I recollect two bursting to the opposite side of the parlour , while she was hugging me . 'Now let me hear some more about the Crorkindills , ' said Peggotty , who was not quite right in the name yet , 'for I a n't heard half enough . ' I could n't quite understand why Peggotty looked so queer , or why she was so ready to go back to the crocodiles . However , we returned to those monsters , with fresh wakefulness on my part , and we left their eggs in the sand for the sun to hatch ; and we ran away from them , and baffled them by constantly turning , which they were unable to do quickly , on account of their unwieldy make ; and we went into the water after them , as natives , and put sharp pieces of timber down their throats ; and in short we ran the whole crocodile gauntlet . I did , at least ; but I had my doubts of Peggotty , who was thoughtfully sticking her needle into various parts of her face and arms , all the time . We had exhausted the crocodiles , and begun with the alligators , when the garden-bell rang . We went out to the door ; and there was my mother , looking unusually pretty , I thought , and with her a gentleman with beautiful black hair and whiskers , who had walked home with us from church last Sunday . As my mother stooped down on the threshold to take me in her arms and kiss me , the gentleman said I was a more highly privileged little fellow than a monarch -- or something like that ; for my later understanding comes , I am sensible , to my aid here . 'What does that mean ? ' I asked him , over her shoulder . He patted me on the head ; but somehow , I did n't like him or his deep voice , and I was jealous that his hand should touch my mother 's in touching me -- which it did . I put it away , as well as I could . 'Oh , Davy ! ' remonstrated my mother . 'Dear boy ! ' said the gentleman . 'I can not wonder at his devotion ! ' I never saw such a beautiful colour on my mother 's face before . She gently chid me for being rude ; and , keeping me close to her shawl , turned to thank the gentleman for taking so much trouble as to bring her home . She put out her hand to him as she spoke , and , as he met it with his own , she glanced , I thought , at me . 'Let us say `` good night '' , my fine boy , ' said the gentleman , when he had bent his head -- I saw him ! -- over my mother 's little glove . 'Good night ! ' said I . 'Come ! Let us be the best friends in the world ! ' said the gentleman , laughing . 'Shake hands ! ' My right hand was in my mother 's left , so I gave him the other . 'Why , that 's the Wrong hand , Davy ! ' laughed the gentleman . My mother drew my right hand forward , but I was resolved , for my former reason , not to give it him , and I did not . I gave him the other , and he shook it heartily , and said I was a brave fellow , and went away . At this minute I see him turn round in the garden , and give us a last look with his ill-omened black eyes , before the door was shut . Peggotty , who had not said a word or moved a finger , secured the fastenings instantly , and we all went into the parlour . My mother , contrary to her usual habit , instead of coming to the elbow-chair by the fire , remained at the other end of the room , and sat singing to herself . -- 'Hope you have had a pleasant evening , ma'am , ' said Peggotty , standing as stiff as a barrel in the centre of the room , with a candlestick in her hand . 'Much obliged to you , Peggotty , ' returned my mother , in a cheerful voice , 'I have had a VERY pleasant evening . ' 'A stranger or so makes an agreeable change , ' suggested Peggotty . 'A very agreeable change , indeed , ' returned my mother . Peggotty continuing to stand motionless in the middle of the room , and my mother resuming her singing , I fell asleep , though I was not so sound asleep but that I could hear voices , without hearing what they said . When I half awoke from this uncomfortable doze , I found Peggotty and my mother both in tears , and both talking . 'Not such a one as this , Mr. Copperfield would n't have liked , ' said Peggotty . 'That I say , and that I swear ! ' 'Good Heavens ! ' cried my mother , 'you 'll drive me mad ! Was ever any poor girl so ill-used by her servants as I am ! Why do I do myself the injustice of calling myself a girl ? Have I never been married , Peggotty ? ' 'God knows you have , ma'am , ' returned Peggotty . 'Then , how can you dare , ' said my mother -- 'you know I do n't mean how can you dare , Peggotty , but how can you have the heart -- to make me so uncomfortable and say such bitter things to me , when you are well aware that I have n't , out of this place , a single friend to turn to ? ' 'The more 's the reason , ' returned Peggotty , 'for saying that it won't do . No ! That it wo n't do . No ! No price could make it do . No ! ' -- I thought Peggotty would have thrown the candlestick away , she was so emphatic with it . 'How can you be so aggravating , ' said my mother , shedding more tears than before , 'as to talk in such an unjust manner ! How can you go on as if it was all settled and arranged , Peggotty , when I tell you over and over again , you cruel thing , that beyond the commonest civilities nothing has passed ! You talk of admiration . What am I to do ? If people are so silly as to indulge the sentiment , is it my fault ? What am I to do , I ask you ? Would you wish me to shave my head and black my face , or disfigure myself with a burn , or a scald , or something of that sort ? I dare say you would , Peggotty . I dare say you 'd quite enjoy it . ' Peggotty seemed to take this aspersion very much to heart , I thought . 'And my dear boy , ' cried my mother , coming to the elbow-chair in which I was , and caressing me , 'my own little Davy ! Is it to be hinted to me that I am wanting in affection for my precious treasure , the dearest little fellow that ever was ! ' 'Nobody never went and hinted no such a thing , ' said Peggotty . 'You did , Peggotty ! ' returned my mother . 'You know you did . What else was it possible to infer from what you said , you unkind creature , when you know as well as I do , that on his account only last quarter I would n't buy myself a new parasol , though that old green one is frayed the whole way up , and the fringe is perfectly mangy ? You know it is , Peggotty . You ca n't deny it . ' Then , turning affectionately to me , with her cheek against mine , 'Am I a naughty mama to you , Davy ? Am I a nasty , cruel , selfish , bad mama ? Say I am , my child ; say `` yes '' , dear boy , and Peggotty will love you ; and Peggotty 's love is a great deal better than mine , Davy . I do n't love you at all , do I ? ' At this , we all fell a-crying together . I think I was the loudest of the party , but I am sure we were all sincere about it . I was quite heart-broken myself , and am afraid that in the first transports of wounded tenderness I called Peggotty a 'Beast ' . That honest creature was in deep affliction , I remember , and must have become quite buttonless on the occasion ; for a little volley of those explosives went off , when , after having made it up with my mother , she kneeled down by the elbow-chair , and made it up with me . We went to bed greatly dejected . My sobs kept waking me , for a long time ; and when one very strong sob quite hoisted me up in bed , I found my mother sitting on the coverlet , and leaning over me . I fell asleep in her arms , after that , and slept soundly . Whether it was the following Sunday when I saw the gentleman again , or whether there was any greater lapse of time before he reappeared , I can not recall . I do n't profess to be clear about dates . But there he was , in church , and he walked home with us afterwards . He came in , too , to look at a famous geranium we had , in the parlour-window . It did not appear to me that he took much notice of it , but before he went he asked my mother to give him a bit of the blossom . She begged him to choose it for himself , but he refused to do that -- I could not understand why -- so she plucked it for him , and gave it into his hand . He said he would never , never part with it any more ; and I thought he must be quite a fool not to know that it would fall to pieces in a day or two . Peggotty began to be less with us , of an evening , than she had always been . My mother deferred to her very much -- more than usual , it occurred to me -- and we were all three excellent friends ; still we were different from what we used to be , and were not so comfortable among ourselves . Sometimes I fancied that Peggotty perhaps objected to my mother's wearing all the pretty dresses she had in her drawers , or to her going so often to visit at that neighbour 's ; but I could n't , to my satisfaction , make out how it was . Gradually , I became used to seeing the gentleman with the black whiskers . I liked him no better than at first , and had the same uneasy jealousy of him ; but if I had any reason for it beyond a child's instinctive dislike , and a general idea that Peggotty and I could make much of my mother without any help , it certainly was not THE reason that I might have found if I had been older . No such thing came into my mind , or near it . I could observe , in little pieces , as it were ; but as to making a net of a number of these pieces , and catching anybody in it , that was , as yet , beyond me . One autumn morning I was with my mother in the front garden , when Mr. Murdstone -- I knew him by that name now -- came by , on horseback . He reined up his horse to salute my mother , and said he was going to Lowestoft to see some friends who were there with a yacht , and merrily proposed to take me on the saddle before him if I would like the ride . The air was so clear and pleasant , and the horse seemed to like the idea of the ride so much himself , as he stood snorting and pawing at the garden-gate , that I had a great desire to go . So I was sent upstairs to Peggotty to be made spruce ; and in the meantime Mr. Murdstone dismounted , and , with his horse 's bridle drawn over his arm , walked slowly up and down on the outer side of the sweetbriar fence , while my mother walked slowly up and down on the inner to keep him company . I recollect Peggotty and I peeping out at them from my little window ; I recollect how closely they seemed to be examining the sweetbriar between them , as they strolled along ; and how , from being in a perfectly angelic temper , Peggotty turned cross in a moment , and brushed my hair the wrong way , excessively hard . Mr. Murdstone and I were soon off , and trotting along on the green turf by the side of the road . He held me quite easily with one arm , and I do n't think I was restless usually ; but I could not make up my mind to sit in front of him without turning my head sometimes , and looking up in his face . He had that kind of shallow black eye -- I want a better word to express an eye that has no depth in it to be looked into -- which , when it is abstracted , seems from some peculiarity of light to be disfigured , for a moment at a time , by a cast . Several times when I glanced at him , I observed that appearance with a sort of awe , and wondered what he was thinking about so closely . His hair and whiskers were blacker and thicker , looked at so near , than even I had given them credit for being . A squareness about the lower part of his face , and the dotted indication of the strong black beard he shaved close every day , reminded me of the wax-work that had travelled into our neighbourhood some half-a-year before . This , his regular eyebrows , and the rich white , and black , and brown , of his complexion -- confound his complexion , and his memory ! -- made me think him , in spite of my misgivings , a very handsome man . I have no doubt that my poor dear mother thought him so too . We went to an hotel by the sea , where two gentlemen were smoking cigars in a room by themselves . Each of them was lying on at least four chairs , and had a large rough jacket on . In a corner was a heap of coats and boat-cloaks , and a flag , all bundled up together . They both rolled on to their feet in an untidy sort of manner , when we came in , and said , 'Halloa , Murdstone ! We thought you were dead ! ' 'Not yet , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'And who 's this shaver ? ' said one of the gentlemen , taking hold of me . 'That 's Davy , ' returned Mr. Murdstone . 'Davy who ? ' said the gentleman . 'Jones ? ' 'Copperfield , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'What ! Bewitching Mrs. Copperfield 's encumbrance ? ' cried the gentleman . 'The pretty little widow ? ' 'Quinion , ' said Mr. Murdstone , 'take care , if you please . Somebody's sharp . ' 'Who is ? ' asked the gentleman , laughing . I looked up , quickly ; being curious to know . 'Only Brooks of Sheffield , ' said Mr. Murdstone . I was quite relieved to find that it was only Brooks of Sheffield ; for , at first , I really thought it was I . There seemed to be something very comical in the reputation of Mr. Brooks of Sheffield , for both the gentlemen laughed heartily when he was mentioned , and Mr. Murdstone was a good deal amused also . After some laughing , the gentleman whom he had called Quinion , said : 'And what is the opinion of Brooks of Sheffield , in reference to the projected business ? ' 'Why , I do n't know that Brooks understands much about it at present , ' replied Mr. Murdstone ; 'but he is not generally favourable , I believe . ' There was more laughter at this , and Mr. Quinion said he would ring the bell for some sherry in which to drink to Brooks . This he did ; and when the wine came , he made me have a little , with a biscuit , and , before I drank it , stand up and say , 'Confusion to Brooks of Sheffield ! ' The toast was received with great applause , and such hearty laughter that it made me laugh too ; at which they laughed the more . In short , we quite enjoyed ourselves . We walked about on the cliff after that , and sat on the grass , and looked at things through a telescope -- I could make out nothing myself when it was put to my eye , but I pretended I could -- and then we came back to the hotel to an early dinner . All the time we were out , the two gentlemen smoked incessantly -- which , I thought , if I might judge from the smell of their rough coats , they must have been doing , ever since the coats had first come home from the tailor 's . I must not forget that we went on board the yacht , where they all three descended into the cabin , and were busy with some papers . I saw them quite hard at work , when I looked down through the open skylight . They left me , during this time , with a very nice man with a very large head of red hair and a very small shiny hat upon it , who had got a cross-barred shirt or waistcoat on , with 'Skylark ' in capital letters across the chest . I thought it was his name ; and that as he lived on board ship and had n't a street door to put his name on , he put it there instead ; but when I called him Mr. Skylark , he said it meant the vessel . I observed all day that Mr. Murdstone was graver and steadier than the two gentlemen . They were very gay and careless . They joked freely with one another , but seldom with him . It appeared to me that he was more clever and cold than they were , and that they regarded him with something of my own feeling . I remarked that , once or twice when Mr. Quinion was talking , he looked at Mr. Murdstone sideways , as if to make sure of his not being displeased ; and that once when Mr. Passnidge ( the other gentleman ) was in high spirits , he trod upon his foot , and gave him a secret caution with his eyes , to observe Mr. Murdstone , who was sitting stern and silent . Nor do I recollect that Mr. Murdstone laughed at all that day , except at the Sheffield joke -- and that , by the by , was his own . We went home early in the evening . It was a very fine evening , and my mother and he had another stroll by the sweetbriar , while I was sent in to get my tea . When he was gone , my mother asked me all about the day I had had , and what they had said and done . I mentioned what they had said about her , and she laughed , and told me they were impudent fellows who talked nonsense -- but I knew it pleased her . I knew it quite as well as I know it now . I took the opportunity of asking if she was at all acquainted with Mr. Brooks of Sheffield , but she answered No , only she supposed he must be a manufacturer in the knife and fork way . Can I say of her face -- altered as I have reason to remember it , perished as I know it is -- that it is gone , when here it comes before me at this instant , as distinct as any face that I may choose to look on in a crowded street ? Can I say of her innocent and girlish beauty , that it faded , and was no more , when its breath falls on my cheek now , as it fell that night ? Can I say she ever changed , when my remembrance brings her back to life , thus only ; and , truer to its loving youth than I have been , or man ever is , still holds fast what it cherished then ? I write of her just as she was when I had gone to bed after this talk , and she came to bid me good night . She kneeled down playfully by the side of the bed , and laying her chin upon her hands , and laughing , said : 'What was it they said , Davy ? Tell me again . I ca n't believe it . ' ' '' Bewitching -- '' ' I began . My mother put her hands upon my lips to stop me . 'It was never bewitching , ' she said , laughing . 'It never could have been bewitching , Davy . Now I know it was n't ! ' 'Yes , it was . `` Bewitching Mrs. Copperfield '' , ' I repeated stoutly . 'And , '' pretty . '' ' 'No , no , it was never pretty . Not pretty , ' interposed my mother , laying her fingers on my lips again . 'Yes it was . `` Pretty little widow . '' ' 'What foolish , impudent creatures ! ' cried my mother , laughing and covering her face . 'What ridiculous men ! A n't they ? Davy dear -- ' 'Well , Ma . ' 'Do n't tell Peggotty ; she might be angry with them . I am dreadfully angry with them myself ; but I would rather Peggotty did n't know . ' I promised , of course ; and we kissed one another over and over again , and I soon fell fast asleep . It seems to me , at this distance of time , as if it were the next day when Peggotty broached the striking and adventurous proposition I am about to mention ; but it was probably about two months afterwards . We were sitting as before , one evening ( when my mother was out as before ) , in company with the stocking and the yard-measure , and the bit of wax , and the box with St. Paul 's on the lid , and the crocodile book , when Peggotty , after looking at me several times , and opening her mouth as if she were going to speak , without doing it -- which I thought was merely gaping , or I should have been rather alarmed -- said coaxingly : 'Master Davy , how should you like to go along with me and spend a fortnight at my brother 's at Yarmouth ? Would n't that be a treat ? ' 'Is your brother an agreeable man , Peggotty ? ' I inquired , provisionally . 'Oh , what an agreeable man he is ! ' cried Peggotty , holding up her hands . 'Then there 's the sea ; and the boats and ships ; and the fishermen ; and the beach ; and Am to play with -- ' Peggotty meant her nephew Ham , mentioned in my first
chapter ; but she spoke of him as a morsel of English Grammar . I was flushed by her summary of delights , and replied that it would indeed be a treat , but what would my mother say ? 'Why then I 'll as good as bet a guinea , ' said Peggotty , intent upon my face , 'that she 'll let us go . I 'll ask her , if you like , as soon as ever she comes home . There now ! ' 'But what 's she to do while we 're away ? ' said I , putting my small elbows on the table to argue the point . 'She ca n't live by herself . ' If Peggotty were looking for a hole , all of a sudden , in the heel of that stocking , it must have been a very little one indeed , and not worth darning . 'I say ! Peggotty ! She ca n't live by herself , you know . ' 'Oh , bless you ! ' said Peggotty , looking at me again at last . 'Don't you know ? She 's going to stay for a fortnight with Mrs. Grayper . Mrs. Grayper 's going to have a lot of company . ' Oh ! If that was it , I was quite ready to go . I waited , in the utmost impatience , until my mother came home from Mrs. Grayper 's ( for it was that identical neighbour ) , to ascertain if we could get leave to carry out this great idea . Without being nearly so much surprised as I had expected , my mother entered into it readily ; and it was all arranged that night , and my board and lodging during the visit were to be paid for . The day soon came for our going . It was such an early day that it came soon , even to me , who was in a fever of expectation , and half afraid that an earthquake or a fiery mountain , or some other great convulsion of nature , might interpose to stop the expedition . We were to go in a carrier 's cart , which departed in the morning after breakfast . I would have given any money to have been allowed to wrap myself up over-night , and sleep in my hat and boots . It touches me nearly now , although I tell it lightly , to recollect how eager I was to leave my happy home ; to think how little I suspected what I did leave for ever . I am glad to recollect that when the carrier 's cart was at the gate , and my mother stood there kissing me , a grateful fondness for her and for the old place I had never turned my back upon before , made me cry . I am glad to know that my mother cried too , and that I felt her heart beat against mine . I am glad to recollect that when the carrier began to move , my mother ran out at the gate , and called to him to stop , that she might kiss me once more . I am glad to dwell upon the earnestness and love with which she lifted up her face to mine , and did so . As we left her standing in the road , Mr. Murdstone came up to where she was , and seemed to expostulate with her for being so moved . I was looking back round the awning of the cart , and wondered what business it was of his . Peggotty , who was also looking back on the other side , seemed anything but satisfied ; as the face she brought back in the cart denoted . I sat looking at Peggotty for some time , in a reverie on this supposititious case : whether , if she were employed to lose me like the boy in the fairy tale , I should be able to track my way home again by the buttons she would shed . CHAPTER 3 . I HAVE A CHANGE The carrier 's horse was the laziest horse in the world , I should hope , and shuffled along , with his head down , as if he liked to keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed . I fancied , indeed , that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection , but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough . The carrier had a way of keeping his head down , like his horse , and of drooping sleepily forward as he drove , with one of his arms on each of his knees . I say 'drove ' , but it struck me that the cart would have gone to Yarmouth quite as well without him , for the horse did all that ; and as to conversation , he had no idea of it but whistling . Peggotty had a basket of refreshments on her knee , which would have lasted us out handsomely , if we had been going to London by the same conveyance . We ate a good deal , and slept a good deal . Peggotty always went to sleep with her chin upon the handle of the basket , her hold of which never relaxed ; and I could not have believed unless I had heard her do it , that one defenceless woman could have snored so much . We made so many deviations up and down lanes , and were such a long time delivering a bedstead at a public-house , and calling at other places , that I was quite tired , and very glad , when we saw Yarmouth . It looked rather spongy and soppy , I thought , as I carried my eye over the great dull waste that lay across the river ; and I could not help wondering , if the world were really as round as my geography book said , how any part of it came to be so flat . But I reflected that Yarmouth might be situated at one of the poles ; which would account for it . As we drew a little nearer , and saw the whole adjacent prospect lying a straight low line under the sky , I hinted to Peggotty that a mound or so might have improved it ; and also that if the land had been a little more separated from the sea , and the town and the tide had not been quite so much mixed up , like toast and water , it would have been nicer . But Peggotty said , with greater emphasis than usual , that we must take things as we found them , and that , for her part , she was proud to call herself a Yarmouth Bloater . When we got into the street ( which was strange enough to me ) and smelt the fish , and pitch , and oakum , and tar , and saw the sailors walking about , and the carts jingling up and down over the stones , I felt that I had done so busy a place an injustice ; and said as much to Peggotty , who heard my expressions of delight with great complacency , and told me it was well known ( I suppose to those who had the good fortune to be born Bloaters ) that Yarmouth was , upon the whole , the finest place in the universe . 'Here 's my Am ! ' screamed Peggotty , 'growed out of knowledge ! ' He was waiting for us , in fact , at the public-house ; and asked me how I found myself , like an old acquaintance . I did not feel , at first , that I knew him as well as he knew me , because he had never come to our house since the night I was born , and naturally he had the advantage of me . But our intimacy was much advanced by his taking me on his back to carry me home . He was , now , a huge , strong fellow of six feet high , broad in proportion , and round-shouldered ; but with a simpering boy 's face and curly light hair that gave him quite a sheepish look . He was dressed in a canvas jacket , and a pair of such very stiff trousers that they would have stood quite as well alone , without any legs in them . And you could n't so properly have said he wore a hat , as that he was covered in a-top , like an old building , with something pitchy . Ham carrying me on his back and a small box of ours under his arm , and Peggotty carrying another small box of ours , we turned down lanes bestrewn with bits of chips and little hillocks of sand , and went past gas-works , rope-walks , boat-builders ' yards , shipwrights ' yards , ship-breakers ' yards , caulkers ' yards , riggers ' lofts , smiths ' forges , and a great litter of such places , until we came out upon the dull waste I had already seen at a distance ; when Ham said , 'Yon 's our house , Mas'r Davy ! ' I looked in all directions , as far as I could stare over the wilderness , and away at the sea , and away at the river , but no house could I make out . There was a black barge , or some other kind of superannuated boat , not far off , high and dry on the ground , with an iron funnel sticking out of it for a chimney and smoking very cosily ; but nothing else in the way of a habitation that was visible to me . 'That 's not it ? ' said I . 'That ship-looking thing ? ' 'That 's it , Mas'r Davy , ' returned Ham . If it had been Aladdin 's palace , roc 's egg and all , I suppose I could not have been more charmed with the romantic idea of living in it . There was a delightful door cut in the side , and it was roofed in , and there were little windows in it ; but the wonderful charm of it was , that it was a real boat which had no doubt been upon the water hundreds of times , and which had never been intended to be lived in , on dry land . That was the captivation of it to me . If it had ever been meant to be lived in , I might have thought it small , or inconvenient , or lonely ; but never having been designed for any such use , it became a perfect abode . It was beautifully clean inside , and as tidy as possible . There was a table , and a Dutch clock , and a chest of drawers , and on the chest of drawers there was a tea-tray with a painting on it of a lady with a parasol , taking a walk with a military-looking child who was trundling a hoop . The tray was kept from tumbling down , by a bible ; and the tray , if it had tumbled down , would have smashed a quantity of cups and saucers and a teapot that were grouped around the book . On the walls there were some common coloured pictures , framed and glazed , of scripture subjects ; such as I have never seen since in the hands of pedlars , without seeing the whole interior of Peggotty 's brother 's house again , at one view . Abraham in red going to sacrifice Isaac in blue , and Daniel in yellow cast into a den of green lions , were the most prominent of these . Over the little mantelshelf , was a picture of the 'Sarah Jane ' lugger , built at Sunderland , with a real little wooden stern stuck on to it ; a work of art , combining composition with carpentry , which I considered to be one of the most enviable possessions that the world could afford . There were some hooks in the beams of the ceiling , the use of which I did not divine then ; and some lockers and boxes and conveniences of that sort , which served for seats and eked out the chairs . All this I saw in the first glance after I crossed the threshold -- child-like , according to my theory -- and then Peggotty opened a little door and showed me my bedroom . It was the completest and most desirable bedroom ever seen -- in the stern of the vessel ; with a little window , where the rudder used to go through ; a little looking-glass , just the right height for me , nailed against the wall , and framed with oyster-shells ; a little bed , which there was just room enough to get into ; and a nosegay of seaweed in a blue mug on the table . The walls were whitewashed as white as milk , and the patchwork counterpane made my eyes quite ache with its brightness . One thing I particularly noticed in this delightful house , was the smell of fish ; which was so searching , that when I took out my pocket-handkerchief to wipe my nose , I found it smelt exactly as if it had wrapped up a lobster . On my imparting this discovery in confidence to Peggotty , she informed me that her brother dealt in lobsters , crabs , and crawfish ; and I afterwards found that a heap of these creatures , in a state of wonderful conglomeration with one another , and never leaving off pinching whatever they laid hold of , were usually to be found in a little wooden outhouse where the pots and kettles were kept . We were welcomed by a very civil woman in a white apron , whom I had seen curtseying at the door when I was on Ham 's back , about a quarter of a mile off . Likewise by a most beautiful little girl ( or I thought her so ) with a necklace of blue beads on , who would n't let me kiss her when I offered to , but ran away and hid herself . By and by , when we had dined in a sumptuous manner off boiled dabs , melted butter , and potatoes , with a chop for me , a hairy man with a very good-natured face came home . As he called Peggotty 'Lass ' , and gave her a hearty smack on the cheek , I had no doubt , from the general propriety of her conduct , that he was her brother ; and so he turned out -- being presently introduced to me as Mr. Peggotty , the master of the house . 'Glad to see you , sir , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'You 'll find us rough , sir , but you 'll find us ready . ' I thanked him , and replied that I was sure I should be happy in such a delightful place . 'How 's your Ma , sir ? ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Did you leave her pretty jolly ? ' I gave Mr. Peggotty to understand that she was as jolly as I could wish , and that she desired her compliments -- which was a polite fiction on my part . 'I 'm much obleeged to her , I 'm sure , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Well , sir , if you can make out here , fur a fortnut , 'long wi ' her , ' nodding at his sister , 'and Ham , and little Em'ly , we shall be proud of your company . ' Having done the honours of his house in this hospitable manner , Mr. Peggotty went out to wash himself in a kettleful of hot water , remarking that 'cold would never get his muck off ' . He soon returned , greatly improved in appearance ; but so rubicund , that I could n't help thinking his face had this in common with the lobsters , crabs , and crawfish , -- that it went into the hot water very black , and came out very red . After tea , when the door was shut and all was made snug ( the nights being cold and misty now ) , it seemed to me the most delicious retreat that the imagination of man could conceive . To hear the wind getting up out at sea , to know that the fog was creeping over the desolate flat outside , and to look at the fire , and think that there was no house near but this one , and this one a boat , was like enchantment . Little Em'ly had overcome her shyness , and was sitting by my side upon the lowest and least of the lockers , which was just large enough for us two , and just fitted into the chimney corner . Mrs. Peggotty with the white apron , was knitting on the opposite side of the fire . Peggotty at her needlework was as much at home with St. Paul 's and the bit of wax-candle , as if they had never known any other roof . Ham , who had been giving me my first lesson in all-fours , was trying to recollect a scheme of telling fortunes with the dirty cards , and was printing off fishy impressions of his thumb on all the cards he turned . Mr. Peggotty was smoking his pipe . I felt it was a time for conversation and confidence . 'Mr . Peggotty ! ' says I . 'Sir , ' says he . 'Did you give your son the name of Ham , because you lived in a sort of ark ? ' Mr. Peggotty seemed to think it a deep idea , but answered : 'No , sir . I never giv him no name . ' 'Who gave him that name , then ? ' said I , putting question number two of the catechism to Mr. Peggotty . 'Why , sir , his father giv it him , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'I thought you were his father ! ' 'My brother Joe was his father , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Dead , Mr . Peggotty ? ' I hinted , after a respectful pause . 'Drowndead , ' said Mr. Peggotty . I was very much surprised that Mr. Peggotty was not Ham 's father , and began to wonder whether I was mistaken about his relationship to anybody else there . I was so curious to know , that I made up my mind to have it out with Mr. Peggotty . 'Little Em'ly , ' I said , glancing at her . 'She is your daughter , isn't she , Mr . Peggotty ? ' 'No , sir . My brother-in-law , Tom , was her father . ' I could n't help it. ' -- Dead , Mr . Peggotty ? ' I hinted , after another respectful silence . 'Drowndead , ' said Mr. Peggotty . I felt the difficulty of resuming the subject , but had not got to the bottom of it yet , and must get to the bottom somehow . So I said : 'Have n't you ANY children , Mr . Peggotty ? ' 'No , master , ' he answered with a short laugh . 'I 'm a bacheldore . ' 'A bachelor ! ' I said , astonished . 'Why , who 's that , Mr . Peggotty ? ' pointing to the person in the apron who was knitting . 'That 's Missis Gummidge , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Gummidge , Mr . Peggotty ? ' But at this point Peggotty -- I mean my own peculiar Peggotty -- made such impressive motions to me not to ask any more questions , that I could only sit and look at all the silent company , until it was time to go to bed . Then , in the privacy of my own little cabin , she informed me that Ham and Em'ly were an orphan nephew and niece , whom my host had at different times adopted in their childhood , when they were left destitute : and that Mrs. Gummidge was the widow of his partner in a boat , who had died very poor . He was but a poor man himself , said Peggotty , but as good as gold and as true as steel -- those were her similes . The only subject , she informed me , on which he ever showed a violent temper or swore an oath , was this generosity of his ; and if it were ever referred to , by any one of them , he struck the table a heavy blow with his right hand ( had split it on one such occasion ) , and swore a dreadful oath that he would be 'Gormed ' if he did n't cut and run for good , if it was ever mentioned again . It appeared , in answer to my inquiries , that nobody had the least idea of the etymology of this terrible verb passive to be gormed ; but that they all regarded it as constituting a most solemn imprecation . I was very sensible of my entertainer 's goodness , and listened to the women 's going to bed in another little crib like mine at the opposite end of the boat , and to him and Ham hanging up two hammocks for themselves on the hooks I had noticed in the roof , in a very luxurious state of mind , enhanced by my being sleepy . As slumber gradually stole upon me , I heard the wind howling out at sea and coming on across the flat so fiercely , that I had a lazy apprehension of the great deep rising in the night . But I bethought myself that I was in a boat , after all ; and that a man like Mr. Peggotty was not a bad person to have on board if anything did happen . Nothing happened , however , worse than morning . Almost as soon as it shone upon the oyster-shell frame of my mirror I was out of bed , and out with little Em'ly , picking up stones upon the beach . 'You 're quite a sailor , I suppose ? ' I said to Em'ly . I do n't know that I supposed anything of the kind , but I felt it an act of gallantry to say something ; and a shining sail close to us made such a pretty little image of itself , at the moment , in her bright eye , that it came into my head to say this . 'No , ' replied Em'ly , shaking her head , 'I 'm afraid of the sea . ' 'Afraid ! ' I said , with a becoming air of boldness , and looking very big at the mighty ocean . 'I a n't ! ' 'Ah ! but it 's cruel , ' said Em'ly . 'I have seen it very cruel to some of our men . I have seen it tear a boat as big as our house , all to pieces . ' 'I hope it was n't the boat that -- ' 'That father was drownded in ? ' said Em'ly . 'No . Not that one , I never see that boat . ' 'Nor him ? ' I asked her . Little Em'ly shook her head . 'Not to remember ! ' Here was a coincidence ! I immediately went into an explanation how I had never seen my own father ; and how my mother and I had always lived by ourselves in the happiest state imaginable , and lived so then , and always meant to live so ; and how my father 's grave was in the churchyard near our house , and shaded by a tree , beneath the boughs of which I had walked and heard the birds sing many a pleasant morning . But there were some differences between Em'ly 's orphanhood and mine , it appeared . She had lost her mother before her father ; and where her father 's grave was no one knew , except that it was somewhere in the depths of the sea . 'Besides , ' said Em'ly , as she looked about for shells and pebbles , 'your father was a gentleman and your mother is a lady ; and my father was a fisherman and my mother was a fisherman 's daughter , and my uncle Dan is a fisherman . ' 'Dan is Mr. Peggotty , is he ? ' said I . 'Uncle Dan -- yonder , ' answered Em'ly , nodding at the boat-house . 'Yes . I mean him . He must be very good , I should think ? ' 'Good ? ' said Em'ly . 'If I was ever to be a lady , I 'd give him a sky-blue coat with diamond buttons , nankeen trousers , a red velvet waistcoat , a cocked hat , a large gold watch , a silver pipe , and a box of money . ' I said I had no doubt that Mr. Peggotty well deserved these treasures . I must acknowledge that I felt it difficult to picture him quite at his ease in the raiment proposed for him by his grateful little niece , and that I was particularly doubtful of the policy of the cocked hat ; but I kept these sentiments to myself . Little Em'ly had stopped and looked up at the sky in her enumeration of these articles , as if they were a glorious vision . We went on again , picking up shells and pebbles . 'You would like to be a lady ? ' I said . Emily looked at me , and laughed and nodded 'yes ' . 'I should like it very much . We would all be gentlefolks together , then . Me , and uncle , and Ham , and Mrs. Gummidge . We would n't mind then , when there comes stormy weather. -- -Not for our own sakes , I mean . We would for the poor fishermen 's , to be sure , and we 'd help 'em with money when they come to any hurt . ' This seemed to me to be a very satisfactory and therefore not at all improbable picture . I expressed my pleasure in the contemplation of it , and little Em'ly was emboldened to say , shyly , 'Do n't you think you are afraid of the sea , now ? ' It was quiet enough to reassure me , but I have no doubt if I had seen a moderately large wave come tumbling in , I should have taken to my heels , with an awful recollection of her drowned relations . However , I said 'No , ' and I added , 'You do n't seem to be either , though you say you are , ' -- for she was walking much too near the brink of a sort of old jetty or wooden causeway we had strolled upon , and I was afraid of her falling over . 'I 'm not afraid in this way , ' said little Em'ly . 'But I wake when it blows , and tremble to think of Uncle Dan and Ham and believe I hear 'em crying out for help . That 's why I should like so much to be a lady . But I 'm not afraid in this way . Not a bit . Look here ! ' She started from my side , and ran along a jagged timber which protruded from the place we stood upon , and overhung the deep water at some height , without the least defence . The incident is so impressed on my remembrance , that if I were a draughtsman I could draw its form here , I dare say , accurately as it was that day , and little Em'ly springing forward to her destruction ( as it appeared to me ) , with a look that I have never forgotten , directed far out to sea . The light , bold , fluttering little figure turned and came back safe to me , and I soon laughed at my fears , and at the cry I had uttered ; fruitlessly in any case , for there was no one near . But there have been times since , in my manhood , many times there have been , when I have thought , Is it possible , among the possibilities of hidden things , that in the sudden rashness of the child and her wild look so far off , there was any merciful attraction of her into danger , any tempting her towards him permitted on the part of her dead father , that her life might have a chance of ending that day ? There has been a time since when I have wondered whether , if the life before her could have been revealed to me at a glance , and so revealed as that a child could fully comprehend it , and if her preservation could have depended on a motion of my hand , I ought to have held it up to save her . There has been a time since -- I do not say it lasted long , but it has been -- when I have asked myself the question , would it have been better for little Em'ly to have had the waters close above her head that morning in my sight ; and when I have answered Yes , it would have been . This may be premature . I have set it down too soon , perhaps . But let it stand . We strolled a long way , and loaded ourselves with things that we thought curious , and put some stranded starfish carefully back into the water -- I hardly know enough of the race at this moment to be quite certain whether they had reason to feel obliged to us for doing so , or the reverse -- and then made our way home to Mr. Peggotty 's dwelling . We stopped under the lee of the lobster-outhouse to exchange an innocent kiss , and went in to breakfast glowing with health and pleasure . 'Like two young mavishes , ' Mr. Peggotty said . I knew this meant , in our local dialect , like two young thrushes , and received it as a compliment . Of course I was in love with little Em'ly . I am sure I loved that baby quite as truly , quite as tenderly , with greater purity and more disinterestedness , than can enter into the best love of a later time of life , high and ennobling as it is . I am sure my fancy raised up something round that blue-eyed mite of a child , which etherealized , and made a very angel of her . If , any sunny forenoon , she had spread a little pair of wings and flown away before my eyes , I do n't think I should have regarded it as much more than I had had reason to expect . We used to walk about that dim old flat at Yarmouth in a loving manner , hours and hours . The days sported by us , as if Time had not grown up himself yet , but were a child too , and always at play . I told Em'ly I adored her , and that unless she confessed she adored me I should be reduced to the necessity of killing myself with a sword . She said she did , and I have no doubt she did . As to any sense of inequality , or youthfulness , or other difficulty in our way , little Em'ly and I had no such trouble , because we had no future . We made no more provision for growing older , than we did for growing younger . We were the admiration of Mrs. Gummidge and Peggotty , who used to whisper of an evening when we sat , lovingly , on our little locker side by side , 'Lor ! was n't it beautiful ! ' Mr. Peggotty smiled at us from behind his pipe , and Ham grinned all the evening and did nothing else . They had something of the sort of pleasure in us , I suppose , that they might have had in a pretty toy , or a pocket model of the Colosseum . I soon found out that Mrs. Gummidge did not always make herself so agreeable as she might have been expected to do , under the circumstances of her residence with Mr. Peggotty . Mrs. Gummidge 's was rather a fretful disposition , and she whimpered more sometimes than was comfortable for other parties in so small an establishment . I was very sorry for her ; but there were moments when it would have been more agreeable , I thought , if Mrs. Gummidge had had a convenient apartment of her own to retire to , and had stopped there until her spirits revived . Mr. Peggotty went occasionally to a public-house called The Willing Mind . I discovered this , by his being out on the second or third evening of our visit , and by Mrs. Gummidge 's looking up at the Dutch clock , between eight and nine , and saying he was there , and that , what was more , she had known in the morning he would go there . Mrs. Gummidge had been in a low state all day , and had burst into tears in the forenoon , when the fire smoked . 'I am a lone lorn creetur ' , ' were Mrs. Gummidge 's words , when that unpleasant occurrence took place , 'and everythink goes contrary with me . ' 'Oh , it 'll soon leave off , ' said Peggotty -- I again mean our Peggotty -- 'and besides , you know , it 's not more disagreeable to you than to us . ' 'I feel it more , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . It was a very cold day , with cutting blasts of wind . Mrs. Gummidge's peculiar corner of the fireside seemed to me to be the warmest and snuggest in the place , as her chair was certainly the easiest , but it did n't suit her that day at all . She was constantly complaining of the cold , and of its occasioning a visitation in her back which she called 'the creeps ' . At last she shed tears on that subject , and said again that she was 'a lone lorn creetur ' and everythink went contrary with her ' . 'It is certainly very cold , ' said Peggotty . 'Everybody must feel it so . ' 'I feel it more than other people , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . So at dinner ; when Mrs. Gummidge was always helped immediately after me , to whom the preference was given as a visitor of distinction . The fish were small and bony , and the potatoes were a little burnt . We all acknowledged that we felt this something of a disappointment ; but Mrs. Gummidge said she felt it more than we did , and shed tears again , and made that former declaration with great bitterness . Accordingly , when Mr. Peggotty came home about nine o'clock , this unfortunate Mrs. Gummidge was knitting in her corner , in a very wretched and miserable condition . Peggotty had been working cheerfully . Ham had been patching up a great pair of waterboots ; and I , with little Em'ly by my side , had been reading to them . Mrs. Gummidge had never made any other remark than a forlorn sigh , and had never raised her eyes since tea . 'Well , Mates , ' said Mr. Peggotty , taking his seat , 'and how are you ? ' We all said something , or looked something , to welcome him , except Mrs. Gummidge , who only shook her head over her knitting . 'What 's amiss ? ' said Mr. Peggotty , with a clap of his hands . 'Cheer up , old Mawther ! ' ( Mr. Peggotty meant old girl . ) Mrs. Gummidge did not appear to be able to cheer up . She took out an old black silk handkerchief and wiped her eyes ; but instead of putting it in her pocket , kept it out , and wiped them again , and still kept it out , ready for use . 'What 's amiss , dame ? ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Nothing , ' returned Mrs. Gummidge . 'You 've come from The Willing Mind , Dan'l ? ' 'Why yes , I 've took a short spell at The Willing Mind tonight , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'I 'm sorry I should drive you there , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . 'Drive ! I do n't want no driving , ' returned Mr. Peggotty with an honest laugh . 'I only go too ready . ' 'Very ready , ' said Mrs. Gummidge , shaking her head , and wiping her eyes . 'Yes , yes , very ready . I am sorry it should be along of me that you're so ready . ' 'Along o ' you ! It a n't along o ' you ! ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Do n't ye believe a bit on it . ' 'Yes , yes , it is , ' cried Mrs. Gummidge . 'I know what I am . I know that I am a lone lorn creetur ' , and not only that everythink goes contrary with me , but that I go contrary with everybody . Yes , yes . I feel more than other people do , and I show it more . It 's my misfortun ' . ' I really could n't help thinking , as I sat taking in all this , that the misfortune extended to some other members of that family besides Mrs. Gummidge . But Mr. Peggotty made no such retort , only answering with another entreaty to Mrs. Gummidge to cheer up . 'I a n't what I could wish myself to be , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . 'I am far from it . I know what I am . My troubles has made me contrary . I feel my troubles , and they make me contrary . I wish I did n't feel 'em , but I do . I wish I could be hardened to 'em , but I a n't . I make the house uncomfortable . I do n't wonder at it . I 've made your sister so all day , and Master Davy . ' Here I was suddenly melted , and roared out , 'No , you have n't , Mrs. Gummidge , ' in great mental distress . 'It 's far from right that I should do it , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . 'It an't a fit return . I had better go into the house and die . I am a lone lorn creetur ' , and had much better not make myself contrary here . If thinks must go contrary with me , and I must go contrary myself , let me go contrary in my parish . Dan'l , I 'd better go into the house , and die and be a riddance ! ' Mrs. Gummidge retired with these words , and betook herself to bed . When she was gone , Mr. Peggotty , who had not exhibited a trace of any feeling but the profoundest sympathy , looked round upon us , and nodding his head with a lively expression of that sentiment still animating his face , said in a whisper : 'She 's been thinking of the old 'un ! ' I did not quite understand what old one Mrs. Gummidge was supposed to have fixed her mind upon , until Peggotty , on seeing me to bed , explained that it was the late Mr. Gummidge ; and that her brother always took that for a received truth on such occasions , and that it always had a moving effect upon him . Some time after he was in his hammock that night , I heard him myself repeat to Ham , 'Poor thing ! She 's been thinking of the old 'un ! ' And whenever Mrs. Gummidge was overcome in a similar manner during the remainder of our stay ( which happened some few times ) , he always said the same thing in extenuation of the circumstance , and always with the tenderest commiseration . So the fortnight slipped away , varied by nothing but the variation of the tide , which altered Mr. Peggotty 's times of going out and coming in , and altered Ham 's engagements also . When the latter was unemployed , he sometimes walked with us to show us the boats and ships , and once or twice he took us for a row . I do n't know why one slight set of impressions should be more particularly associated with a place than another , though I believe this obtains with most people , in reference especially to the associations of their childhood . I never hear the name , or read the name , of Yarmouth , but I am reminded of a certain Sunday morning on the beach , the bells ringing for church , little Em'ly leaning on my shoulder , Ham lazily dropping stones into the water , and the sun , away at sea , just breaking through the heavy mist , and showing us the ships , like their own shadows . At last the day came for going home . I bore up against the separation from Mr. Peggotty and Mrs. Gummidge , but my agony of mind at leaving little Em'ly was piercing . We went arm-in-arm to the public-house where the carrier put up , and I promised , on the road , to write to her . ( I redeemed that promise afterwards , in characters larger than those in which apartments are usually announced in manuscript , as being to let . ) We were greatly overcome at parting ; and if ever , in my life , I have had a void made in my heart , I had one made that day . Now , all the time I had been on my visit , I had been ungrateful to my home again , and had thought little or nothing about it . But I was no sooner turned towards it , than my reproachful young conscience seemed to point that way with a ready finger ; and I felt , all the more for the sinking of my spirits , that it was my nest , and that my mother was my comforter and friend . This gained upon me as we went along ; so that the nearer we drew , the more familiar the objects became that we passed , the more excited I was to get there , and to run into her arms . But Peggotty , instead of sharing in those transports , tried to check them ( though very kindly ) , and looked confused and out of sorts . Blunderstone Rookery would come , however , in spite of her , when the carrier 's horse pleased -- and did . How well I recollect it , on a cold grey afternoon , with a dull sky , threatening rain ! The door opened , and I looked , half laughing and half crying in my pleasant agitation , for my mother . It was not she , but a strange servant . 'Why , Peggotty ! ' I said , ruefully , 'is n't she come home ? ' 'Yes , yes , Master Davy , ' said Peggotty . 'She 's come home . Wait a bit , Master Davy , and I 'll -- I 'll tell you something . ' Between her agitation , and her natural awkwardness in getting out of the cart , Peggotty was making a most extraordinary festoon of herself , but I felt too blank and strange to tell her so . When she had got down , she took me by the hand ; led me , wondering , into the kitchen ; and shut the door . 'Peggotty ! ' said I , quite frightened . 'What 's the matter ? ' 'Nothing 's the matter , bless you , Master Davy dear ! ' she answered , assuming an air of sprightliness . 'Something 's the matter , I 'm sure . Where 's mama ? ' 'Where 's mama , Master Davy ? ' repeated Peggotty . 'Yes . Why has n't she come out to the gate , and what have we come in here for ? Oh , Peggotty ! ' My eyes were full , and I felt as if I were going to tumble down . 'Bless the precious boy ! ' cried Peggotty , taking hold of me . 'What is it ? Speak , my pet ! ' 'Not dead , too ! Oh , she 's not dead , Peggotty ? ' Peggotty cried out No ! with an astonishing volume of voice ; and then sat down , and began to pant , and said I had given her a turn . I gave her a hug to take away the turn , or to give her another turn in the right direction , and then stood before her , looking at her in anxious inquiry . 'You see , dear , I should have told you before now , ' said Peggotty , 'but I had n't an opportunity . I ought to have made it , perhaps , but I could n't azackly ' -- that was always the substitute for exactly , in Peggotty 's militia of words -- 'bring my mind to it . ' 'Go on , Peggotty , ' said I , more frightened than before . 'Master Davy , ' said Peggotty , untying her bonnet with a shaking hand , and speaking in a breathless sort of way . 'What do you think ? You have got a Pa ! ' I trembled , and turned white . Something -- I do n't know what , or how -- connected with the grave in the churchyard , and the raising of the dead , seemed to strike me like an unwholesome wind . 'A new one , ' said Peggotty . 'A new one ? ' I repeated . Peggotty gave a gasp , as if she were swallowing something that was very hard , and , putting out her hand , said : 'Come and see him . ' 'I do n't want to see him . ' -- 'And your mama , ' said Peggotty . I ceased to draw back , and we went straight to the best parlour , where she left me . On one side of the fire , sat my mother ; on the other , Mr. Murdstone . My mother dropped her work , and arose hurriedly , but timidly I thought . 'Now , Clara my dear , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'Recollect ! control yourself , always control yourself ! Davy boy , how do you do ? ' I gave him my hand . After a moment of suspense , I went and kissed my mother : she kissed me , patted me gently on the shoulder , and sat down again to her work . I could not look at her , I could not look at him , I knew quite well that he was looking at us both ; and I turned to the window and looked out there , at some shrubs that were drooping their heads in the cold . As soon as I could creep away , I crept upstairs . My old dear bedroom was changed , and I was to lie a long way off . I rambled downstairs to find anything that was like itself , so altered it all seemed ; and roamed into the yard . I very soon started back from there , for the empty dog-kennel was filled up with a great dog -- deep mouthed and black-haired like Him -- and he was very angry at the sight of me , and sprang out to get at me . CHAPTER 4 . I FALL INTO DISGRACE If the room to which my bed was removed were a sentient thing that could give evidence , I might appeal to it at this day -- who sleeps there now , I wonder ! -- to bear witness for me what a heavy heart I carried to it . I went up there , hearing the dog in the yard bark after me all the way while I climbed the stairs ; and , looking as blank and strange upon the room as the room looked upon me , sat down with my small hands crossed , and thought . I thought of the oddest things . Of the shape of the room , of the cracks in the ceiling , of the paper on the walls , of the flaws in the window-glass making ripples and dimples on the prospect , of the washing-stand being rickety on its three legs , and having a discontented something about it , which reminded me of Mrs. Gummidge under the influence of the old one . I was crying all the time , but , except that I was conscious of being cold and dejected , I am sure I never thought why I cried . At last in my desolation I began to consider that I was dreadfully in love with little Em'ly , and had been torn away from her to come here where no one seemed to want me , or to care about me , half as much as she did . This made such a very miserable piece of business of it , that I rolled myself up in a corner of the counterpane , and cried myself to sleep . I was awoke by somebody saying 'Here he is ! ' and uncovering my hot head . My mother and Peggotty had come to look for me , and it was one of them who had done it . 'Davy , ' said my mother . 'What 's the matter ? ' I thought it was very strange that she should ask me , and answered , 'Nothing . ' I turned over on my face , I recollect , to hide my trembling lip , which answered her with greater truth . 'Davy , ' said my mother . 'Davy , my child ! ' I dare say no words she could have uttered would have affected me so much , then , as her calling me her child . I hid my tears in the bedclothes , and pressed her from me with my hand , when she would have raised me up . 'This is your doing , Peggotty , you cruel thing ! ' said my mother . 'I have no doubt at all about it . How can you reconcile it to your conscience , I wonder , to prejudice my own boy against me , or against anybody who is dear to me ? What do you mean by it , Peggotty ? ' Poor Peggotty lifted up her hands and eyes , and only answered , in a sort of paraphrase of the grace I usually repeated after dinner , 'Lord forgive you , Mrs. Copperfield , and for what you have said this minute , may you never be truly sorry ! ' 'It 's enough to distract me , ' cried my mother . 'In my honeymoon , too , when my most inveterate enemy might relent , one would think , and not envy me a little peace of mind and happiness . Davy , you naughty boy ! Peggotty , you savage creature ! Oh , dear me ! ' cried my mother , turning from one of us to the other , in her pettish wilful manner , 'what a troublesome world this is , when one has the most right to expect it to be as agreeable as possible ! ' I felt the touch of a hand that I knew was neither hers nor Peggotty 's , and slipped to my feet at the bed-side . It was Mr. Murdstone 's hand , and he kept it on my arm as he said : 'What 's this ? Clara , my love , have you forgotten ? -- Firmness , my dear ! ' 'I am very sorry , Edward , ' said my mother . 'I meant to be very good , but I am so uncomfortable . ' 'Indeed ! ' he answered . 'That 's a bad hearing , so soon , Clara . ' 'I say it 's very hard I should be made so now , ' returned my mother , pouting ; 'and it is -- very hard -- is n't it ? ' He drew her to him , whispered in her ear , and kissed her . I knew as well , when I saw my mother 's head lean down upon his shoulder , and her arm touch his neck -- I knew as well that he could mould her pliant nature into any form he chose , as I know , now , that he did it . 'Go you below , my love , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'David and I will come down , together . My friend , ' turning a darkening face on Peggotty , when he had watched my mother out , and dismissed her with a nod and a smile ; 'do you know your mistress 's name ? ' 'She has been my mistress a long time , sir , ' answered Peggotty , 'I ought to know it . ' 'That 's true , ' he answered . 'But I thought I heard you , as I came upstairs , address her by a name that is not hers . She has taken mine , you know . Will you remember that ? ' Peggotty , with some uneasy glances at me , curtseyed herself out of the room without replying ; seeing , I suppose , that she was expected to go , and had no excuse for remaining . When we two were left alone , he shut the door , and sitting on a chair , and holding me standing before him , looked steadily into my eyes . I felt my own attracted , no less steadily , to his . As I recall our being opposed thus , face to face , I seem again to hear my heart beat fast and high . 'David , ' he said , making his lips thin , by pressing them together , 'if I have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with , what do you think I do ? ' 'I do n't know . ' 'I beat him . ' I had answered in a kind of breathless whisper , but I felt , in my silence , that my breath was shorter now . 'I make him wince , and smart . I say to myself , `` I 'll conquer that fellow '' ; and if it were to cost him all the blood he had , I should do it . What is that upon your face ? ' 'Dirt , ' I said . He knew it was the mark of tears as well as I . But if he had asked the question twenty times , each time with twenty blows , I believe my baby heart would have burst before I would have told him so . 'You have a good deal of intelligence for a little fellow , ' he said , with a grave smile that belonged to him , 'and you understood me very well , I see . Wash that face , sir , and come down with me . ' He pointed to the washing-stand , which I had made out to be like Mrs. Gummidge , and motioned me with his head to obey him directly . I had little doubt then , and I have less doubt now , that he would have knocked me down without the least compunction , if I had hesitated . 'Clara , my dear , ' he said , when I had done his bidding , and he walked me into the parlour , with his hand still on my arm ; 'you will not be made uncomfortable any more , I hope . We shall soon improve our youthful humours . ' God help me , I might have been improved for my whole life , I might have been made another creature perhaps , for life , by a kind word at that season . A word of encouragement and explanation , of pity for my childish ignorance , of welcome home , of reassurance to me that it was home , might have made me dutiful to him in my heart henceforth , instead of in my hypocritical outside , and might have made me respect instead of hate him . I thought my mother was sorry to see me standing in the room so scared and strange , and that , presently , when I stole to a chair , she followed me with her eyes more sorrowfully still -- missing , perhaps , some freedom in my childish tread -- but the word was not spoken , and the time for it was gone . We dined alone , we three together . He seemed to be very fond of my mother -- I am afraid I liked him none the better for that -- and she was very fond of him . I gathered from what they said , that an elder sister of his was coming to stay with them , and that she was expected that evening . I am not certain whether I found out then , or afterwards , that , without being actively concerned in any business , he had some share in , or some annual charge upon the profits of , a wine-merchant 's house in London , with which his family had been connected from his great-grandfather 's time , and in which his sister had a similar interest ; but I may mention it in this place , whether or no . After dinner , when we were sitting by the fire , and I was meditating an escape to Peggotty without having the hardihood to slip away , lest it should offend the master of the house , a coach drove up to the garden-gate and he went out to receive the visitor . My mother followed him . I was timidly following her , when she turned round at the parlour door , in the dusk , and taking me in her embrace as she had been used to do , whispered me to love my new father and be obedient to him . She did this hurriedly and secretly , as if it were wrong , but tenderly ; and , putting out her hand behind her , held mine in it , until we came near to where he was standing in the garden , where she let mine go , and drew hers through his arm . It was Miss Murdstone who was arrived , and a gloomy-looking lady she was ; dark , like her brother , whom she greatly resembled in face and voice ; and with very heavy eyebrows , nearly meeting over her large nose , as if , being disabled by the wrongs of her sex from wearing whiskers , she had carried them to that account . She brought with her two uncompromising hard black boxes , with her initials on the lids in hard brass nails . When she paid the coachman she took her money out of a hard steel purse , and she kept the purse in a very jail of a bag which hung upon her arm by a heavy chain , and shut up like a bite . I had never , at that time , seen such a metallic lady altogether as Miss Murdstone was . She was brought into the parlour with many tokens of welcome , and there formally recognized my mother as a new and near relation . Then she looked at me , and said : 'Is that your boy , sister-in-law ? ' My mother acknowledged me . 'Generally speaking , ' said Miss Murdstone , 'I do n't like boys . How d 'ye do , boy ? ' Under these encouraging circumstances , I replied that I was very well , and that I hoped she was the same ; with such an indifferent grace , that Miss Murdstone disposed of me in two words : 'Wants manner ! ' Having uttered which , with great distinctness , she begged the favour of being shown to her room , which became to me from that time forth a place of awe and dread , wherein the two black boxes were never seen open or known to be left unlocked , and where ( for I peeped in once or twice when she was out ) numerous little steel fetters and rivets , with which Miss Murdstone embellished herself when she was dressed , generally hung upon the looking-glass in formidable array . As well as I could make out , she had come for good , and had no intention of ever going again . She began to 'help ' my mother next morning , and was in and out of the store-closet all day , putting things to rights , and making havoc in the old arrangements . Almost the first remarkable thing I observed in Miss Murdstone was , her being constantly haunted by a suspicion that the servants had a man secreted somewhere on the premises . Under the influence of this delusion , she dived into the coal-cellar at the most untimely hours , and scarcely ever opened the door of a dark cupboard without clapping it to again , in the belief that she had got him . Though there was nothing very airy about Miss Murdstone , she was a perfect Lark in point of getting up . She was up ( and , as I believe to this hour , looking for that man ) before anybody in the house was stirring . Peggotty gave it as her opinion that she even slept with one eye open ; but I could not concur in this idea ; for I tried it myself after hearing the suggestion thrown out , and found it could n't be done . On the very first morning after her arrival she was up and ringing her bell at cock-crow . When my mother came down to breakfast and was going to make the tea , Miss Murdstone gave her a kind of peck on the cheek , which was her nearest approach to a kiss , and said : 'Now , Clara , my dear , I am come here , you know , to relieve you of all the trouble I can . You 're much too pretty and thoughtless ' -- my mother blushed but laughed , and seemed not to dislike this character -- 'to have any duties imposed upon you that can be undertaken by me . If you 'll be so good as give me your keys , my dear , I 'll attend to all this sort of thing in future . ' From that time , Miss Murdstone kept the keys in her own little jail all day , and under her pillow all night , and my mother had no more to do with them than I had . My mother did not suffer her authority to pass from her without a shadow of protest . One night when Miss Murdstone had been developing certain household plans to her brother , of which he signified his approbation , my mother suddenly began to cry , and said she thought she might have been consulted . 'Clara ! ' said Mr. Murdstone sternly . 'Clara ! I wonder at you . ' 'Oh , it 's very well to say you wonder , Edward ! ' cried my mother , 'and it 's very well for you to talk about firmness , but you would n't like it yourself . ' Firmness , I may observe , was the grand quality on which both Mr. and Miss Murdstone took their stand . However I might have expressed my comprehension of it at that time , if I had been called upon , I nevertheless did clearly comprehend in my own way , that it was another name for tyranny ; and for a certain gloomy , arrogant , devil 's humour , that was in them both . The creed , as I should state it now , was this . Mr. Murdstone was firm ; nobody in his world was to be so firm as Mr. Murdstone ; nobody else in his world was to be firm at all , for everybody was to be bent to his firmness . Miss Murdstone was an exception . She might be firm , but only by relationship , and in an inferior and tributary degree . My mother was another exception . She might be firm , and must be ; but only in bearing their firmness , and firmly believing there was no other firmness upon earth . 'It 's very hard , ' said my mother , 'that in my own house -- ' 'My own house ? ' repeated Mr. Murdstone . 'Clara ! ' 'OUR own house , I mean , ' faltered my mother , evidently frightened -- 'I hope you must know what I mean , Edward -- it 's very hard that in YOUR own house I may not have a word to say about domestic matters . I am sure I managed very well before we were married . There 's evidence , ' said my mother , sobbing ; 'ask Peggotty if I did n't do very well when I wasn't interfered with ! ' 'Edward , ' said Miss Murdstone , 'let there be an end of this . I go tomorrow . ' 'Jane Murdstone , ' said her brother , 'be silent ! How dare you to insinuate that you do n't know my character better than your words imply ? ' 'I am sure , ' my poor mother went on , at a grievous disadvantage , and with many tears , 'I do n't want anybody to go . I should be very miserable and unhappy if anybody was to go . I do n't ask much . I am not unreasonable . I only want to be consulted sometimes . I am very much obliged to anybody who assists me , and I only want to be consulted as a mere form , sometimes . I thought you were pleased , once , with my being a little inexperienced and girlish , Edward -- I am sure you said so -- but you seem to hate me for it now , you are so severe . ' 'Edward , ' said Miss Murdstone , again , 'let there be an end of this . I go tomorrow . ' 'Jane Murdstone , ' thundered Mr. Murdstone . 'Will you be silent ? How dare you ? ' Miss Murdstone made a jail-delivery of her pocket-handkerchief , and held it before her eyes . 'Clara , ' he continued , looking at my mother , 'you surprise me ! You astound me ! Yes , I had a satisfaction in the thought of marrying an inexperienced and artless person , and forming her character , and infusing into it some amount of that firmness and decision of which it stood in need . But when Jane Murdstone is kind enough to come to my assistance in this endeavour , and to assume , for my sake , a condition something like a housekeeper 's , and when she meets with a base return -- ' 'Oh , pray , pray , Edward , ' cried my mother , 'do n't accuse me of being ungrateful . I am sure I am not ungrateful . No one ever said I was before . I have many faults , but not that . Oh , do n't , my dear ! ' 'When Jane Murdstone meets , I say , ' he went on , after waiting until my mother was silent , 'with a base return , that feeling of mine is chilled and altered . ' 'Do n't , my love , say that ! ' implored my mother very piteously . 'Oh , do n't , Edward ! I ca n't bear to hear it . Whatever I am , I am affectionate . I know I am affectionate . I would n't say it , if I was n't sure that I am . Ask Peggotty . I am sure she 'll tell you I'm affectionate . ' 'There is no extent of mere weakness , Clara , ' said Mr. Murdstone in reply , 'that can have the least weight with me . You lose breath . ' 'Pray let us be friends , ' said my mother , 'I could n't live under coldness or unkindness . I am so sorry . I have a great many defects , I know , and it 's very good of you , Edward , with your strength of mind , to endeavour to correct them for me . Jane , I do n't object to anything . I should be quite broken-hearted if you thought of leaving -- ' My mother was too much overcome to go on . 'Jane Murdstone , ' said Mr. Murdstone to his sister , 'any harsh words between us are , I hope , uncommon . It is not my fault that so unusual an occurrence has taken place tonight . I was betrayed into it by another . Nor is it your fault . You were betrayed into it by another . Let us both try to forget it . And as this , ' he added , after these magnanimous words , 'is not a fit scene for the boy -- David , go to bed ! ' I could hardly find the door , through the tears that stood in my eyes . I was so sorry for my mother 's distress ; but I groped my way out , and groped my way up to my room in the dark , without even having the heart to say good night to Peggotty , or to get a candle from her . When her coming up to look for me , an hour or so afterwards , awoke me , she said that my mother had gone to bed poorly , and that Mr. and Miss Murdstone were sitting alone . Going down next morning rather earlier than usual , I paused outside the parlour door , on hearing my mother 's voice . She was very earnestly and humbly entreating Miss Murdstone 's pardon , which that lady granted , and a perfect reconciliation took place . I never knew my mother afterwards to give an opinion on any matter , without first appealing to Miss Murdstone , or without having first ascertained by some sure means , what Miss Murdstone 's opinion was ; and I never saw Miss Murdstone , when out of temper ( she was infirm that way ) , move her hand towards her bag as if she were going to take out the keys and offer to resign them to my mother , without seeing that my mother was in a terrible fright . The gloomy taint that was in the Murdstone blood , darkened the Murdstone religion , which was austere and wrathful . I have thought , since , that its assuming that character was a necessary consequence of Mr. Murdstone 's firmness , which would n't allow him to let anybody off from the utmost weight of the severest penalties he could find any excuse for . Be this as it may , I well remember the tremendous visages with which we used to go to church , and the changed air of the place . Again , the dreaded Sunday comes round , and I file into the old pew first , like a guarded captive brought to a condemned service . Again , Miss Murdstone , in a black velvet gown , that looks as if it had been made out of a pall , follows close upon me ; then my mother ; then her husband . There is no Peggotty now , as in the old time . Again , I listen to Miss Murdstone mumbling the responses , and emphasizing all the dread words with a cruel relish . Again , I see her dark eyes roll round the church when she says 'miserable sinners ' , as if she were calling all the congregation names . Again , I catch rare glimpses of my mother , moving her lips timidly between the two , with one of them muttering at each ear like low thunder . Again , I wonder with a sudden fear whether it is likely that our good old clergyman can be wrong , and Mr. and Miss Murdstone right , and that all the angels in Heaven can be destroying angels . Again , if I move a finger or relax a muscle of my face , Miss Murdstone pokes me with her prayer-book , and makes my side ache . Yes , and again , as we walk home , I note some neighbours looking at my mother and at me , and whispering . Again , as the three go on arm-in-arm , and I linger behind alone , I follow some of those looks , and wonder if my mother 's step be really not so light as I have seen it , and if the gaiety of her beauty be really almost worried away . Again , I wonder whether any of the neighbours call to mind , as I do , how we used to walk home together , she and I ; and I wonder stupidly about that , all the dreary dismal day . There had been some talk on occasions of my going to boarding-school . Mr. and Miss Murdstone had originated it , and my mother had of course agreed with them . Nothing , however , was concluded on the subject yet . In the meantime , I learnt lessons at home . Shall I ever forget those lessons ! They were presided over nominally by my mother , but really by Mr. Murdstone and his sister , who were always present , and found them a favourable occasion for giving my mother lessons in that miscalled firmness , which was the bane of both our lives . I believe I was kept at home for that purpose . I had been apt enough to learn , and willing enough , when my mother and I had lived alone together . I can faintly remember learning the alphabet at her knee . To this day , when I look upon the fat black letters in the primer , the puzzling novelty of their shapes , and the easy good-nature of O and Q and S , seem to present themselves again before me as they used to do . But they recall no feeling of disgust or reluctance . On the contrary , I seem to have walked along a path of flowers as far as the crocodile-book , and to have been cheered by the gentleness of my mother 's voice and manner all the way . But these solemn lessons which succeeded those , I remember as the death-blow of my peace , and a grievous daily drudgery and misery . They were very long , very numerous , very hard -- perfectly unintelligible , some of them , to me -- and I was generally as much bewildered by them as I believe my poor mother was herself . Let me remember how it used to be , and bring one morning back again . I come into the second-best parlour after breakfast , with my books , and an exercise-book , and a slate . My mother is ready for me at her writing-desk , but not half so ready as Mr. Murdstone in his easy-chair by the window ( though he pretends to be reading a book ) , or as Miss Murdstone , sitting near my mother stringing steel beads . The very sight of these two has such an influence over me , that I begin to feel the words I have been at infinite pains to get into my head , all sliding away , and going I do n't know where . I wonder where they do go , by the by ? I hand the first book to my mother . Perhaps it is a grammar , perhaps a history , or geography . I take a last drowning look at the page as I give it into her hand , and start off aloud at a racing pace while I have got it fresh . I trip over a word . Mr. Murdstone looks up . I trip over another word . Miss Murdstone looks up . I redden , tumble over half-a-dozen words , and stop . I think my mother would show me the book if she dared , but she does not dare , and she says softly : 'Oh , Davy , Davy ! ' 'Now , Clara , ' says Mr. Murdstone , 'be firm with the boy . Do n't say , `` Oh , Davy , Davy ! '' That 's childish . He knows his lesson , or he does not know it . ' 'He does NOT know it , ' Miss Murdstone interposes awfully . 'I am really afraid he does not , ' says my mother . 'Then , you see , Clara , ' returns Miss Murdstone , 'you should just give him the book back , and make him know it . ' 'Yes , certainly , ' says my mother ; 'that is what I intend to do , my dear Jane . Now , Davy , try once more , and do n't be stupid . ' I obey the first clause of the injunction by trying once more , but am not so successful with the second , for I am very stupid . I tumble down before I get to the old place , at a point where I was all right before , and stop to think . But I ca n't think about the lesson . I think of the number of yards of net in Miss Murdstone 's cap , or of the price of Mr. Murdstone 's dressing-gown , or any such ridiculous problem that I have no business with , and do n't want to have anything at all to do with . Mr. Murdstone makes a movement of impatience which I have been expecting for a long time . Miss Murdstone does the same . My mother glances submissively at them , shuts the book , and lays it by as an arrear to be worked out when my other tasks are done . There is a pile of these arrears very soon , and it swells like a rolling snowball . The bigger it gets , the more stupid I get . The case is so hopeless , and I feel that I am wallowing in such a bog of nonsense , that I give up all idea of getting out , and abandon myself to my fate . The despairing way in which my mother and I look at each other , as I blunder on , is truly melancholy . But the greatest effect in these miserable lessons is when my mother ( thinking nobody is observing her ) tries to give me the cue by the motion of her lips . At that instant , Miss Murdstone , who has been lying in wait for nothing else all along , says in a deep warning voice : 'Clara ! ' My mother starts , colours , and smiles faintly . Mr. Murdstone comes out of his chair , takes the book , throws it at me or boxes my ears with it , and turns me out of the room by the shoulders . Even when the lessons are done , the worst is yet to happen , in the shape of an appalling sum . This is invented for me , and delivered to me orally by Mr. Murdstone , and begins , 'If I go into a cheesemonger 's shop , and buy five thousand double-Gloucester cheeses at fourpence-halfpenny each , present payment ' -- at which I see Miss Murdstone secretly overjoyed . I pore over these cheeses without any result or enlightenment until dinner-time , when , having made a Mulatto of myself by getting the dirt of the slate into the pores of my skin , I have a slice of bread to help me out with the cheeses , and am considered in disgrace for the rest of the evening . It seems to me , at this distance of time , as if my unfortunate studies generally took this course . I could have done very well if I had been without the Murdstones ; but the influence of the Murdstones upon me was like the fascination of two snakes on a wretched young bird . Even when I did get through the morning with tolerable credit , there was not much gained but dinner ; for Miss Murdstone never could endure to see me untasked , and if I rashly made any show of being unemployed , called her brother 's attention to me by saying , 'Clara , my dear , there 's nothing like work -- give your boy an exercise ' ; which caused me to be clapped down to some new labour , there and then . As to any recreation with other children of my age , I had very little of that ; for the gloomy theology of the Murdstones made all children out to be a swarm of little vipers ( though there WAS a child once set in the midst of the Disciples ) , and held that they contaminated one another . The natural result of this treatment , continued , I suppose , for some six months or more , was to make me sullen , dull , and dogged . I was not made the less so by my sense of being daily more and more shut out and alienated from my mother . I believe I should have been almost stupefied but for one circumstance . It was this . My father had left a small collection of books in a little room upstairs , to which I had access ( for it adjoined my own ) and which nobody else in our house ever troubled . From that blessed little room , Roderick Random , Peregrine Pickle , Humphrey Clinker , Tom Jones , the Vicar of Wakefield , Don Quixote , Gil Blas , and Robinson Crusoe , came out , a glorious host , to keep me company . They kept alive my fancy , and my hope of something beyond that place and time , -- they , and the Arabian Nights , and the Tales of the Genii , -- and did me no harm ; for whatever harm was in some of them was not there for me ; I knew nothing of it . It is astonishing to me now , how I found time , in the midst of my porings and blunderings over heavier themes , to read those books as I did . It is curious to me how I could ever have consoled myself under my small troubles ( which were great troubles to me ) , by impersonating my favourite characters in them -- as I did -- and by putting Mr. and Miss Murdstone into all the bad ones -- which I did too . I have been Tom Jones ( a child 's Tom Jones , a harmless creature ) for a week together . I have sustained my own idea of Roderick Random for a month at a stretch , I verily believe . I had a greedy relish for a few volumes of Voyages and Travels -- I forget what , now -- that were on those shelves ; and for days and days I can remember to have gone about my region of our house , armed with the centre-piece out of an old set of boot-trees -- the perfect realization of Captain Somebody , of the Royal British Navy , in danger of being beset by savages , and resolved to sell his life at a great price . The Captain never lost dignity , from having his ears boxed with the Latin Grammar . I did ; but the Captain was a Captain and a hero , in despite of all the grammars of all the languages in the world , dead or alive . This was my only and my constant comfort . When I think of it , the picture always rises in my mind , of a summer evening , the boys at play in the churchyard , and I sitting on my bed , reading as if for life . Every barn in the neighbourhood , every stone in the church , and every foot of the churchyard , had some association of its own , in my mind , connected with these books , and stood for some locality made famous in them . I have seen Tom Pipes go climbing up the church-steeple ; I have watched Strap , with the knapsack on his back , stopping to rest himself upon the wicket-gate ; and I know that Commodore Trunnion held that club with Mr. Pickle , in the parlour of our little village alehouse . The reader now understands , as well as I do , what I was when I came to that point of my youthful history to which I am now coming again . One morning when I went into the parlour with my books , I found my mother looking anxious , Miss Murdstone looking firm , and Mr. Murdstone binding something round the bottom of a cane -- a lithe and limber cane , which he left off binding when I came in , and poised and switched in the air . 'I tell you , Clara , ' said Mr. Murdstone , 'I have been often flogged myself . ' 'To be sure ; of course , ' said Miss Murdstone . 'Certainly , my dear Jane , ' faltered my mother , meekly . 'But -- but do you think it did Edward good ? ' 'Do you think it did Edward harm , Clara ? ' asked Mr. Murdstone , gravely . 'That 's the point , ' said his sister . To this my mother returned , 'Certainly , my dear Jane , ' and said no more . I felt apprehensive that I was personally interested in this dialogue , and sought Mr. Murdstone 's eye as it lighted on mine . 'Now , David , ' he said -- and I saw that cast again as he said it -- 'you must be far more careful today than usual . ' He gave the cane another poise , and another switch ; and having finished his preparation of it , laid it down beside him , with an impressive look , and took up his book . This was a good freshener to my presence of mind , as a beginning . I felt the words of my lessons slipping off , not one by one , or line by line , but by the entire page ; I tried to lay hold of them ; but they seemed , if I may so express it , to have put skates on , and to skim away from me with a smoothness there was no checking . We began badly , and went on worse . I had come in with an idea of distinguishing myself rather , conceiving that I was very well prepared ; but it turned out to be quite a mistake . Book after book was added to the heap of failures , Miss Murdstone being firmly watchful of us all the time . And when we came at last to the five thousand cheeses ( canes he made it that day , I remember ) , my mother burst out crying . 'Clara ! ' said Miss Murdstone , in her warning voice . 'I am not quite well , my dear Jane , I think , ' said my mother . I saw him wink , solemnly , at his sister , as he rose and said , taking up the cane : 'Why , Jane , we can hardly expect Clara to bear , with perfect firmness , the worry and torment that David has occasioned her today . That would be stoical . Clara is greatly strengthened and improved , but we can hardly expect so much from her . David , you and I will go upstairs , boy . ' As he took me out at the door , my mother ran towards us . Miss Murdstone said , 'Clara ! are you a perfect fool ? ' and interfered . I saw my mother stop her ears then , and I heard her crying . He walked me up to my room slowly and gravely -- I am certain he had a delight in that formal parade of executing justice -- and when we got there , suddenly twisted my head under his arm . 'Mr . Murdstone ! Sir ! ' I cried to him . 'Do n't ! Pray do n't beat me ! I have tried to learn , sir , but I ca n't learn while you and Miss Murdstone are by . I ca n't indeed ! ' 'Ca n't you , indeed , David ? ' he said . 'We 'll try that . ' He had my head as in a vice , but I twined round him somehow , and stopped him for a moment , entreating him not to beat me . It was only a moment that I stopped him , for he cut me heavily an instant afterwards , and in the same instant I caught the hand with which he held me in my mouth , between my teeth , and bit it through . It sets my teeth on edge to think of it . He beat me then , as if he would have beaten me to death . Above all the noise we made , I heard them running up the stairs , and crying out -- I heard my mother crying out -- and Peggotty . Then he was gone ; and the door was locked outside ; and I was lying , fevered and hot , and torn , and sore , and raging in my puny way , upon the floor . How well I recollect , when I became quiet , what an unnatural stillness seemed to reign through the whole house ! How well I remember , when my smart and passion began to cool , how wicked I began to feel ! I sat listening for a long while , but there was not a sound . I crawled up from the floor , and saw my face in the glass , so swollen , red , and ugly that it almost frightened me . My stripes were sore and stiff , and made me cry afresh , when I moved ; but they were nothing to the guilt I felt . It lay heavier on my breast than if I had been a most atrocious criminal , I dare say . It had begun to grow dark , and I had shut the window ( I had been lying , for the most part , with my head upon the sill , by turns crying , dozing , and looking listlessly out ) , when the key was turned , and Miss Murdstone came in with some bread and meat , and milk . These she put down upon the table without a word , glaring at me the while with exemplary firmness , and then retired , locking the door after her . Long after it was dark I sat there , wondering whether anybody else would come . When this appeared improbable for that night , I undressed , and went to bed ; and , there , I began to wonder fearfully what would be done to me . Whether it was a criminal act that I had committed ? Whether I should be taken into custody , and sent to prison ? Whether I was at all in danger of being hanged ? I never shall forget the waking , next morning ; the being cheerful and fresh for the first moment , and then the being weighed down by the stale and dismal oppression of remembrance . Miss Murdstone reappeared before I was out of bed ; told me , in so many words , that I was free to walk in the garden for half an hour and no longer ; and retired , leaving the door open , that I might avail myself of that permission . I did so , and did so every morning of my imprisonment , which lasted five days . If I could have seen my mother alone , I should have gone down on my knees to her and besought her forgiveness ; but I saw no one , Miss Murdstone excepted , during the whole time -- except at evening prayers in the parlour ; to which I was escorted by Miss Murdstone after everybody else was placed ; where I was stationed , a young outlaw , all alone by myself near the door ; and whence I was solemnly conducted by my jailer , before any one arose from the devotional posture . I only observed that my mother was as far off from me as she could be , and kept her face another way so that I never saw it ; and that Mr. Murdstone 's hand was bound up in a large linen wrapper . The length of those five days I can convey no idea of to any one . They occupy the place of years in my remembrance . The way in which I listened to all the incidents of the house that made themselves audible to me ; the ringing of bells , the opening and shutting of doors , the murmuring of voices , the footsteps on the stairs ; to any laughing , whistling , or singing , outside , which seemed more dismal than anything else to me in my solitude and disgrace -- the uncertain pace of the hours , especially at night , when I would wake thinking it was morning , and find that the family were not yet gone to bed , and that all the length of night had yet to come -- the depressed dreams and nightmares I had -- the return of day , noon , afternoon , evening , when the boys played in the churchyard , and I watched them from a distance within the room , being ashamed to show myself at the window lest they should know I was a prisoner -- the strange sensation of never hearing myself speak -- the fleeting intervals of something like cheerfulness , which came with eating and drinking , and went away with it -- the setting in of rain one evening , with a fresh smell , and its coming down faster and faster between me and the church , until it and gathering night seemed to quench me in gloom , and fear , and remorse -- all this appears to have gone round and round for years instead of days , it is so vividly and strongly stamped on my remembrance . On the last night of my restraint , I was awakened by hearing my own name spoken in a whisper . I started up in bed , and putting out my arms in the dark , said : 'Is that you , Peggotty ? ' There was no immediate answer , but presently I heard my name again , in a tone so very mysterious and awful , that I think I should have gone into a fit , if it had not occurred to me that it must have come through the keyhole . I groped my way to the door , and putting my own lips to the keyhole , whispered : 'Is that you , Peggotty dear ? ' 'Yes , my own precious Davy , ' she replied . 'Be as soft as a mouse , or the Cat 'll hear us . ' I understood this to mean Miss Murdstone , and was sensible of the urgency of the case ; her room being close by . 'How 's mama , dear Peggotty ? Is she very angry with me ? ' I could hear Peggotty crying softly on her side of the keyhole , as I was doing on mine , before she answered . 'No . Not very . ' 'What is going to be done with me , Peggotty dear ? Do you know ? ' 'School . Near London , ' was Peggotty 's answer . I was obliged to get her to repeat it , for she spoke it the first time quite down my throat , in consequence of my having forgotten to take my mouth away from the keyhole and put my ear there ; and though her words tickled me a good deal , I did n't hear them . 'When , Peggotty ? ' 'Tomorrow . ' 'Is that the reason why Miss Murdstone took the clothes out of my drawers ? ' which she had done , though I have forgotten to mention it . 'Yes , ' said Peggotty . 'Box . ' 'Sha n't I see mama ? ' 'Yes , ' said Peggotty . 'Morning . ' Then Peggotty fitted her mouth close to the keyhole , and delivered these words through it with as much feeling and earnestness as a keyhole has ever been the medium of communicating , I will venture to assert : shooting in each broken little sentence in a convulsive little burst of its own . 'Davy , dear . If I ai n't been azackly as intimate with you . Lately , as I used to be . It ai n't because I do n't love you . Just as well and more , my pretty poppet . It 's because I thought it better for you . And for someone else besides . Davy , my darling , are you listening ? Can you hear ? ' 'Ye-ye-ye-yes , Peggotty ! ' I sobbed . 'My own ! ' said Peggotty , with infinite compassion . 'What I want to say , is . That you must never forget me . For I 'll never forget you . And I'll take as much care of your mama , Davy . As ever I took of you . And I won't leave her . The day may come when she 'll be glad to lay her poor head . On her stupid , cross old Peggotty 's arm again . And I 'll write to you , my dear . Though I ai n't no scholar . And I 'll -- I 'll -- ' Peggotty fell to kissing the keyhole , as she could n't kiss me . 'Thank you , dear Peggotty ! ' said I . 'Oh , thank you ! Thank you ! Will you promise me one thing , Peggotty ? Will you write and tell Mr. Peggotty and little Em'ly , and Mrs. Gummidge and Ham , that I am not so bad as they might suppose , and that I sent 'em all my love -- especially to little Em'ly ? Will you , if you please , Peggotty ? ' The kind soul promised , and we both of us kissed the keyhole with the greatest affection -- I patted it with my hand , I recollect , as if it had been her honest face -- and parted . From that night there grew up in my breast a feeling for Peggotty which I can not very well define . She did not replace my mother ; no one could do that ; but she came into a vacancy in my heart , which closed upon her , and I felt towards her something I have never felt for any other human being . It was a sort of comical affection , too ; and yet if she had died , I can not think what I should have done , or how I should have acted out the tragedy it would have been to me . In the morning Miss Murdstone appeared as usual , and told me I was going to school ; which was not altogether such news to me as she supposed . She also informed me that when I was dressed , I was to come downstairs into the parlour , and have my breakfast . There , I found my mother , very pale and with red eyes : into whose arms I ran , and begged her pardon from my suffering soul . 'Oh , Davy ! ' she said . 'That you could hurt anyone I love ! Try to be better , pray to be better ! I forgive you ; but I am so grieved , Davy , that you should have such bad passions in your heart . ' They had persuaded her that I was a wicked fellow , and she was more sorry for that than for my going away . I felt it sorely . I tried to eat my parting breakfast , but my tears dropped upon my bread-and-butter , and trickled into my tea . I saw my mother look at me sometimes , and then glance at the watchful Miss Murdstone , and than look down , or look away . 'Master Copperfield 's box there ! ' said Miss Murdstone , when wheels were heard at the gate . I looked for Peggotty , but it was not she ; neither she nor Mr. Murdstone appeared . My former acquaintance , the carrier , was at the door . The box was taken out to his cart , and lifted in . 'Clara ! ' said Miss Murdstone , in her warning note . 'Ready , my dear Jane , ' returned my mother . 'Good-bye , Davy . You are going for your own good . Good-bye , my child . You will come home in the holidays , and be a better boy . ' 'Clara ! ' Miss Murdstone repeated . 'Certainly , my dear Jane , ' replied my mother , who was holding me . 'I forgive you , my dear boy . God bless you ! ' 'Clara ! ' Miss Murdstone repeated . Miss Murdstone was good enough to take me out to the cart , and to say on the way that she hoped I would repent , before I came to a bad end ; and then I got into the cart , and the lazy horse walked off with it . CHAPTER 5 . I AM SENT AWAY FROM HOME We might have gone about half a mile , and my pocket-handkerchief was quite wet through , when the carrier stopped short . Looking out to ascertain for what , I saw , to My amazement , Peggotty burst from a hedge and climb into the cart . She took me in both her arms , and squeezed me to her stays until the pressure on my nose was extremely painful , though I never thought of that till afterwards when I found it very tender . Not a single word did Peggotty speak . Releasing one of her arms , she put it down in her pocket to the elbow , and brought out some paper bags of cakes which she crammed into my pockets , and a purse which she put into my hand , but not one word did she say . After another and a final squeeze with both arms , she got down from the cart and ran away ; and , my belief is , and has always been , without a solitary button on her gown . I picked up one , of several that were rolling about , and treasured it as a keepsake for a long time . The carrier looked at me , as if to inquire if she were coming back . I shook my head , and said I thought not . 'Then come up , ' said the carrier to the lazy horse ; who came up accordingly . Having by this time cried as much as I possibly could , I began to think it was of no use crying any more , especially as neither Roderick Random , nor that Captain in the Royal British Navy , had ever cried , that I could remember , in trying situations . The carrier , seeing me in this resolution , proposed that my pocket-handkerchief should be spread upon the horse 's back to dry . I thanked him , and assented ; and particularly small it looked , under those circumstances . I had now leisure to examine the purse . It was a stiff leather purse , with a snap , and had three bright shillings in it , which Peggotty had evidently polished up with whitening , for my greater delight . But its most precious contents were two half-crowns folded together in a bit of paper , on which was written , in my mother 's hand , 'For Davy . With my love . ' I was so overcome by this , that I asked the carrier to be so good as to reach me my pocket-handkerchief again ; but he said he thought I had better do without it , and I thought I really had , so I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and stopped myself . For good , too ; though , in consequence of my previous emotions , I was still occasionally seized with a stormy sob . After we had jogged on for some little time , I asked the carrier if he was going all the way . 'All the way where ? ' inquired the carrier . 'There , ' I said . 'Where 's there ? ' inquired the carrier . 'Near London , ' I said . 'Why that horse , ' said the carrier , jerking the rein to point him out , 'would be deader than pork afore he got over half the ground . ' 'Are you only going to Yarmouth then ? ' I asked . 'That 's about it , ' said the carrier . 'And there I shall take you to the stage-cutch , and the stage-cutch that 'll take you to -- wherever it is . ' As this was a great deal for the carrier ( whose name was Mr. Barkis ) to say -- he being , as I observed in a former
chapter , of a phlegmatic temperament , and not at all conversational -- I offered him a cake as a mark of attention , which he ate at one gulp , exactly like an elephant , and which made no more impression on his big face than it would have done on an elephant 's . 'Did SHE make 'em , now ? ' said Mr. Barkis , always leaning forward , in his slouching way , on the footboard of the cart with an arm on each knee . 'Peggotty , do you mean , sir ? ' 'Ah ! ' said Mr. Barkis . 'Her . ' 'Yes . She makes all our pastry , and does all our cooking . ' 'Do she though ? ' said Mr. Barkis . He made up his mouth as if to whistle , but he did n't whistle . He sat looking at the horse 's ears , as if he saw something new there ; and sat so , for a considerable time . By and by , he said : 'No sweethearts , I b'lieve ? ' 'Sweetmeats did you say , Mr . Barkis ? ' For I thought he wanted something else to eat , and had pointedly alluded to that description of refreshment . 'Hearts , ' said Mr. Barkis . 'Sweet hearts ; no person walks with her ! ' 'With Peggotty ? ' 'Ah ! ' he said . 'Her . ' 'Oh , no . She never had a sweetheart . ' 'Did n't she , though ! ' said Mr. Barkis . Again he made up his mouth to whistle , and again he did n't whistle , but sat looking at the horse 's ears . 'So she makes , ' said Mr. Barkis , after a long interval of reflection , 'all the apple parsties , and doos all the cooking , do she ? ' I replied that such was the fact . 'Well . I 'll tell you what , ' said Mr. Barkis . 'P'raps you might be writin ' to her ? ' 'I shall certainly write to her , ' I rejoined . 'Ah ! ' he said , slowly turning his eyes towards me . 'Well ! If you was writin ' to her , p'raps you 'd recollect to say that Barkis was willin ' ; would you ? ' 'That Barkis is willing , ' I repeated , innocently . 'Is that all the message ? ' 'Ye-es , ' he said , considering . 'Ye-es . Barkis is willin ' . ' 'But you will be at Blunderstone again tomorrow , Mr. Barkis , ' I said , faltering a little at the idea of my being far away from it then , and could give your own message so much better . ' As he repudiated this suggestion , however , with a jerk of his head , and once more confirmed his previous request by saying , with profound gravity , 'Barkis is willin ' . That 's the message , ' I readily undertook its transmission . While I was waiting for the coach in the hotel at Yarmouth that very afternoon , I procured a sheet of paper and an inkstand , and wrote a note to Peggotty , which ran thus : 'My dear Peggotty . I have come here safe . Barkis is willing . My love to mama . Yours affectionately . P.S . He says he particularly wants you to know -- BARKIS IS WILLING . ' When I had taken this commission on myself prospectively , Mr. Barkis relapsed into perfect silence ; and I , feeling quite worn out by all that had happened lately , lay down on a sack in the cart and fell asleep . I slept soundly until we got to Yarmouth ; which was so entirely new and strange to me in the inn-yard to which we drove , that I at once abandoned a latent hope I had had of meeting with some of Mr. Peggotty's family there , perhaps even with little Em'ly herself . The coach was in the yard , shining very much all over , but without any horses to it as yet ; and it looked in that state as if nothing was more unlikely than its ever going to London . I was thinking this , and wondering what would ultimately become of my box , which Mr. Barkis had put down on the yard-pavement by the pole ( he having driven up the yard to turn his cart ) , and also what would ultimately become of me , when a lady looked out of a bow-window where some fowls and joints of meat were hanging up , and said : 'Is that the little gentleman from Blunderstone ? ' 'Yes , ma'am , ' I said . 'What name ? ' inquired the lady . 'Copperfield , ma'am , ' I said . 'That wo n't do , ' returned the lady . 'Nobody 's dinner is paid for here , in that name . ' 'Is it Murdstone , ma'am ? ' I said . 'If you 're Master Murdstone , ' said the lady , 'why do you go and give another name , first ? ' I explained to the lady how it was , who than rang a bell , and called out , 'William ! show the coffee-room ! ' upon which a waiter came running out of a kitchen on the opposite side of the yard to show it , and seemed a good deal surprised when he was only to show it to me . It was a large long room with some large maps in it . I doubt if I could have felt much stranger if the maps had been real foreign countries , and I cast away in the middle of them . I felt it was taking a liberty to sit down , with my cap in my hand , on the corner of the chair nearest the door ; and when the waiter laid a cloth on purpose for me , and put a set of castors on it , I think I must have turned red all over with modesty . He brought me some chops , and vegetables , and took the covers off in such a bouncing manner that I was afraid I must have given him some offence . But he greatly relieved my mind by putting a chair for me at the table , and saying , very affably , 'Now , six-foot ! come on ! ' I thanked him , and took my seat at the board ; but found it extremely difficult to handle my knife and fork with anything like dexterity , or to avoid splashing myself with the gravy , while he was standing opposite , staring so hard , and making me blush in the most dreadful manner every time I caught his eye . After watching me into the second chop , he said : 'There 's half a pint of ale for you . Will you have it now ? ' I thanked him and said , 'Yes . ' Upon which he poured it out of a jug into a large tumbler , and held it up against the light , and made it look beautiful . 'My eye ! ' he said . 'It seems a good deal , do n't it ? ' 'It does seem a good deal , ' I answered with a smile . For it was quite delightful to me , to find him so pleasant . He was a twinkling-eyed , pimple-faced man , with his hair standing upright all over his head ; and as he stood with one arm a-kimbo , holding up the glass to the light with the other hand , he looked quite friendly . 'There was a gentleman here , yesterday , ' he said -- 'a stout gentleman , by the name of Topsawyer -- perhaps you know him ? ' 'No , ' I said , 'I do n't think -- ' 'In breeches and gaiters , broad-brimmed hat , grey coat , speckled choker , ' said the waiter . 'No , ' I said bashfully , 'I have n't the pleasure -- ' 'He came in here , ' said the waiter , looking at the light through the tumbler , 'ordered a glass of this ale -- WOULD order it -- I told him not -- drank it , and fell dead . It was too old for him . It ought n't to be drawn ; that 's the fact . ' I was very much shocked to hear of this melancholy accident , and said I thought I had better have some water . 'Why you see , ' said the waiter , still looking at the light through the tumbler , with one of his eyes shut up , 'our people do n't like things being ordered and left . It offends 'em . But I 'll drink it , if you like . I 'm used to it , and use is everything . I do n't think it 'll hurt me , if I throw my head back , and take it off quick . Shall I ? ' I replied that he would much oblige me by drinking it , if he thought he could do it safely , but by no means otherwise . When he did throw his head back , and take it off quick , I had a horrible fear , I confess , of seeing him meet the fate of the lamented Mr. Topsawyer , and fall lifeless on the carpet . But it did n't hurt him . On the contrary , I thought he seemed the fresher for it . 'What have we got here ? ' he said , putting a fork into my dish . 'Not chops ? ' 'Chops , ' I said . 'Lord bless my soul ! ' he exclaimed , 'I did n't know they were chops . Why , a chop 's the very thing to take off the bad effects of that beer ! Ain't it lucky ? ' So he took a chop by the bone in one hand , and a potato in the other , and ate away with a very good appetite , to my extreme satisfaction . He afterwards took another chop , and another potato ; and after that , another chop and another potato . When we had done , he brought me a pudding , and having set it before me , seemed to ruminate , and to become absent in his mind for some moments . 'How 's the pie ? ' he said , rousing himself . 'It 's a pudding , ' I made answer . 'Pudding ! ' he exclaimed . 'Why , bless me , so it is ! What ! ' looking at it nearer . 'You do n't mean to say it 's a batter-pudding ! ' 'Yes , it is indeed . ' 'Why , a batter-pudding , ' he said , taking up a table-spoon , 'is my favourite pudding ! Ai n't that lucky ? Come on , little 'un , and let 's see who 'll get most . ' The waiter certainly got most . He entreated me more than once to come in and win , but what with his table-spoon to my tea-spoon , his dispatch to my dispatch , and his appetite to my appetite , I was left far behind at the first mouthful , and had no chance with him . I never saw anyone enjoy a pudding so much , I think ; and he laughed , when it was all gone , as if his enjoyment of it lasted still . Finding him so very friendly and companionable , it was then that I asked for the pen and ink and paper , to write to Peggotty . He not only brought it immediately , but was good enough to look over me while I wrote the letter . When I had finished it , he asked me where I was going to school . I said , 'Near London , ' which was all I knew . 'Oh ! my eye ! ' he said , looking very low-spirited , 'I am sorry for that . ' 'Why ? ' I asked him . 'Oh , Lord ! ' he said , shaking his head , 'that 's the school where they broke the boy 's ribs -- two ribs -- a little boy he was . I should say he was -- let me see -- how old are you , about ? ' I told him between eight and nine . 'That 's just his age , ' he said . 'He was eight years and six months old when they broke his first rib ; eight years and eight months old when they broke his second , and did for him . ' I could not disguise from myself , or from the waiter , that this was an uncomfortable coincidence , and inquired how it was done . His answer was not cheering to my spirits , for it consisted of two dismal words , 'With whopping . ' The blowing of the coach-horn in the yard was a seasonable diversion , which made me get up and hesitatingly inquire , in the mingled pride and diffidence of having a purse ( which I took out of my pocket ) , if there were anything to pay . 'There 's a sheet of letter-paper , ' he returned . 'Did you ever buy a sheet of letter-paper ? ' I could not remember that I ever had . 'It 's dear , ' he said , 'on account of the duty . Threepence . That's the way we 're taxed in this country . There 's nothing else , except the waiter . Never mind the ink . I lose by that . ' 'What should you -- what should I -- how much ought I to -- what would it be right to pay the waiter , if you please ? ' I stammered , blushing . 'If I had n't a family , and that family had n't the cowpock , ' said the waiter , 'I would n't take a sixpence . If I did n't support a aged pairint , and a lovely sister , ' -- here the waiter was greatly agitated -- 'I wouldn't take a farthing . If I had a good place , and was treated well here , I should beg acceptance of a trifle , instead of taking of it . But I live on broken wittles -- and I sleep on the coals ' -- here the waiter burst into tears . I was very much concerned for his misfortunes , and felt that any recognition short of ninepence would be mere brutality and hardness of heart . Therefore I gave him one of my three bright shillings , which he received with much humility and veneration , and spun up with his thumb , directly afterwards , to try the goodness of . It was a little disconcerting to me , to find , when I was being helped up behind the coach , that I was supposed to have eaten all the dinner without any assistance . I discovered this , from overhearing the lady in the bow-window say to the guard , 'Take care of that child , George , or he 'll burst ! ' and from observing that the women-servants who were about the place came out to look and giggle at me as a young phenomenon . My unfortunate friend the waiter , who had quite recovered his spirits , did not appear to be disturbed by this , but joined in the general admiration without being at all confused . If I had any doubt of him , I suppose this half awakened it ; but I am inclined to believe that with the simple confidence of a child , and the natural reliance of a child upon superior years ( qualities I am very sorry any children should prematurely change for worldly wisdom ) , I had no serious mistrust of him on the whole , even then . I felt it rather hard , I must own , to be made , without deserving it , the subject of jokes between the coachman and guard as to the coach drawing heavy behind , on account of my sitting there , and as to the greater expediency of my travelling by waggon . The story of my supposed appetite getting wind among the outside passengers , they were merry upon it likewise ; and asked me whether I was going to be paid for , at school , as two brothers or three , and whether I was contracted for , or went upon the regular terms ; with other pleasant questions . But the worst of it was , that I knew I should be ashamed to eat anything , when an opportunity offered , and that , after a rather light dinner , I should remain hungry all night -- for I had left my cakes behind , at the hotel , in my hurry . My apprehensions were realized . When we stopped for supper I could n't muster courage to take any , though I should have liked it very much , but sat by the fire and said I did n't want anything . This did not save me from more jokes , either ; for a husky-voiced gentleman with a rough face , who had been eating out of a sandwich-box nearly all the way , except when he had been drinking out of a bottle , said I was like a boa-constrictor who took enough at one meal to last him a long time ; after which , he actually brought a rash out upon himself with boiled beef . We had started from Yarmouth at three o'clock in the afternoon , and we were due in London about eight next morning . It was Mid-summer weather , and the evening was very pleasant . When we passed through a village , I pictured to myself what the insides of the houses were like , and what the inhabitants were about ; and when boys came running after us , and got up behind and swung there for a little way , I wondered whether their fathers were alive , and whether they were happy at home . I had plenty to think of , therefore , besides my mind running continually on the kind of place I was going to -- which was an awful speculation . Sometimes , I remember , I resigned myself to thoughts of home and Peggotty ; and to endeavouring , in a confused blind way , to recall how I had felt , and what sort of boy I used to be , before I bit Mr. Murdstone : which I could n't satisfy myself about by any means , I seemed to have bitten him in such a remote antiquity . The night was not so pleasant as the evening , for it got chilly ; and being put between two gentlemen ( the rough-faced one and another ) to prevent my tumbling off the coach , I was nearly smothered by their falling asleep , and completely blocking me up . They squeezed me so hard sometimes , that I could not help crying out , 'Oh ! If you please ! ' -- which they did n't like at all , because it woke them . Opposite me was an elderly lady in a great fur cloak , who looked in the dark more like a haystack than a lady , she was wrapped up to such a degree . This lady had a basket with her , and she had n't known what to do with it , for a long time , until she found that on account of my legs being short , it could go underneath me . It cramped and hurt me so , that it made me perfectly miserable ; but if I moved in the least , and made a glass that was in the basket rattle against something else ( as it was sure to do ) , she gave me the cruellest poke with her foot , and said , 'Come , do n't YOU fidget . YOUR bones are young enough , I 'm sure ! ' At last the sun rose , and then my companions seemed to sleep easier . The difficulties under which they had laboured all night , and which had found utterance in the most terrific gasps and snorts , are not to be conceived . As the sun got higher , their sleep became lighter , and so they gradually one by one awoke . I recollect being very much surprised by the feint everybody made , then , of not having been to sleep at all , and by the uncommon indignation with which everyone repelled the charge . I labour under the same kind of astonishment to this day , having invariably observed that of all human weaknesses , the one to which our common nature is the least disposed to confess ( I can not imagine why ) is the weakness of having gone to sleep in a coach . What an amazing place London was to me when I saw it in the distance , and how I believed all the adventures of all my favourite heroes to be constantly enacting and re-enacting there , and how I vaguely made it out in my own mind to be fuller of wonders and wickedness than all the cities of the earth , I need not stop here to relate . We approached it by degrees , and got , in due time , to the inn in the Whitechapel district , for which we were bound . I forget whether it was the Blue Bull , or the Blue Boar ; but I know it was the Blue Something , and that its likeness was painted up on the back of the coach . The guard 's eye lighted on me as he was getting down , and he said at the booking-office door : 'Is there anybody here for a yoongster booked in the name of Murdstone , from Bloonderstone , Sooffolk , to be left till called for ? ' Nobody answered . 'Try Copperfield , if you please , sir , ' said I , looking helplessly down . 'Is there anybody here for a yoongster , booked in the name of Murdstone , from Bloonderstone , Sooffolk , but owning to the name of Copperfield , to be left till called for ? ' said the guard . 'Come ! IS there anybody ? ' No . There was nobody . I looked anxiously around ; but the inquiry made no impression on any of the bystanders , if I except a man in gaiters , with one eye , who suggested that they had better put a brass collar round my neck , and tie me up in the stable . A ladder was brought , and I got down after the lady , who was like a haystack : not daring to stir , until her basket was removed . The coach was clear of passengers by that time , the luggage was very soon cleared out , the horses had been taken out before the luggage , and now the coach itself was wheeled and backed off by some hostlers , out of the way . Still , nobody appeared , to claim the dusty youngster from Blunderstone , Suffolk . More solitary than Robinson Crusoe , who had nobody to look at him and see that he was solitary , I went into the booking-office , and , by invitation of the clerk on duty , passed behind the counter , and sat down on the scale at which they weighed the luggage . Here , as I sat looking at the parcels , packages , and books , and inhaling the smell of stables ( ever since associated with that morning ) , a procession of most tremendous considerations began to march through my mind . Supposing nobody should ever fetch me , how long would they consent to keep me there ? Would they keep me long enough to spend seven shillings ? Should I sleep at night in one of those wooden bins , with the other luggage , and wash myself at the pump in the yard in the morning ; or should I be turned out every night , and expected to come again to be left till called for , when the office opened next day ? Supposing there was no mistake in the case , and Mr. Murdstone had devised this plan to get rid of me , what should I do ? If they allowed me to remain there until my seven shillings were spent , I could n't hope to remain there when I began to starve . That would obviously be inconvenient and unpleasant to the customers , besides entailing on the Blue Whatever-it-was , the risk of funeral expenses . If I started off at once , and tried to walk back home , how could I ever find my way , how could I ever hope to walk so far , how could I make sure of anyone but Peggotty , even if I got back ? If I found out the nearest proper authorities , and offered myself to go for a soldier , or a sailor , I was such a little fellow that it was most likely they would n't take me in . These thoughts , and a hundred other such thoughts , turned me burning hot , and made me giddy with apprehension and dismay . I was in the height of my fever when a man entered and whispered to the clerk , who presently slanted me off the scale , and pushed me over to him , as if I were weighed , bought , delivered , and paid for . As I went out of the office , hand in hand with this new acquaintance , I stole a look at him . He was a gaunt , sallow young man , with hollow cheeks , and a chin almost as black as Mr. Murdstone 's ; but there the likeness ended , for his whiskers were shaved off , and his hair , instead of being glossy , was rusty and dry . He was dressed in a suit of black clothes which were rather rusty and dry too , and rather short in the sleeves and legs ; and he had a white neck-kerchief on , that was not over-clean . I did not , and do not , suppose that this neck-kerchief was all the linen he wore , but it was all he showed or gave any hint of . 'You 're the new boy ? ' he said . 'Yes , sir , ' I said . I supposed I was . I did n't know . 'I 'm one of the masters at Salem House , ' he said . I made him a bow and felt very much overawed . I was so ashamed to allude to a commonplace thing like my box , to a scholar and a master at Salem House , that we had gone some little distance from the yard before I had the hardihood to mention it . We turned back , on my humbly insinuating that it might be useful to me hereafter ; and he told the clerk that the carrier had instructions to call for it at noon . 'If you please , sir , ' I said , when we had accomplished about the same distance as before , 'is it far ? ' 'It 's down by Blackheath , ' he said . 'Is that far , sir ? ' I diffidently asked . 'It 's a good step , ' he said . 'We shall go by the stage-coach . It 's about six miles . ' I was so faint and tired , that the idea of holding out for six miles more , was too much for me . I took heart to tell him that I had had nothing all night , and that if he would allow me to buy something to eat , I should be very much obliged to him . He appeared surprised at this -- I see him stop and look at me now -- and after considering for a few moments , said he wanted to call on an old person who lived not far off , and that the best way would be for me to buy some bread , or whatever I liked best that was wholesome , and make my breakfast at her house , where we could get some milk . Accordingly we looked in at a baker 's window , and after I had made a series of proposals to buy everything that was bilious in the shop , and he had rejected them one by one , we decided in favour of a nice little loaf of brown bread , which cost me threepence . Then , at a grocer 's shop , we bought an egg and a slice of streaky bacon ; which still left what I thought a good deal of change , out of the second of the bright shillings , and made me consider London a very cheap place . These provisions laid in , we went on through a great noise and uproar that confused my weary head beyond description , and over a bridge which , no doubt , was London Bridge ( indeed I think he told me so , but I was half asleep ) , until we came to the poor person 's house , which was a part of some alms-houses , as I knew by their look , and by an inscription on a stone over the gate which said they were established for twenty-five poor women . The Master at Salem House lifted the latch of one of a number of little black doors that were all alike , and had each a little diamond-paned window on one side , and another little diamond -- paned window above ; and we went into the little house of one of these poor old women , who was blowing a fire to make a little saucepan boil . On seeing the master enter , the old woman stopped with the bellows on her knee , and said something that I thought sounded like 'My Charley ! ' but on seeing me come in too , she got up , and rubbing her hands made a confused sort of half curtsey . 'Can you cook this young gentleman 's breakfast for him , if you please ? ' said the Master at Salem House . 'Can I ? ' said the old woman . 'Yes can I , sure ! ' 'How 's Mrs. Fibbitson today ? ' said the Master , looking at another old woman in a large chair by the fire , who was such a bundle of clothes that I feel grateful to this hour for not having sat upon her by mistake . 'Ah , she 's poorly , ' said the first old woman . 'It 's one of her bad days . If the fire was to go out , through any accident , I verily believe she'd go out too , and never come to life again . ' As they looked at her , I looked at her also . Although it was a warm day , she seemed to think of nothing but the fire . I fancied she was jealous even of the saucepan on it ; and I have reason to know that she took its impressment into the service of boiling my egg and broiling my bacon , in dudgeon ; for I saw her , with my own discomfited eyes , shake her fist at me once , when those culinary operations were going on , and no one else was looking . The sun streamed in at the little window , but she sat with her own back and the back of the large chair towards it , screening the fire as if she were sedulously keeping IT warm , instead of it keeping her warm , and watching it in a most distrustful manner . The completion of the preparations for my breakfast , by relieving the fire , gave her such extreme joy that she laughed aloud -- and a very unmelodious laugh she had , I must say . I sat down to my brown loaf , my egg , and my rasher of bacon , with a basin of milk besides , and made a most delicious meal . While I was yet in the full enjoyment of it , the old woman of the house said to the Master : 'Have you got your flute with you ? ' 'Yes , ' he returned . 'Have a blow at it , ' said the old woman , coaxingly . 'Do ! ' The Master , upon this , put his hand underneath the skirts of his coat , and brought out his flute in three pieces , which he screwed together , and began immediately to play . My impression is , after many years of consideration , that there never can have been anybody in the world who played worse . He made the most dismal sounds I have ever heard produced by any means , natural or artificial . I do n't know what the tunes were -- if there were such things in the performance at all , which I doubt -- but the influence of the strain upon me was , first , to make me think of all my sorrows until I could hardly keep my tears back ; then to take away my appetite ; and lastly , to make me so sleepy that I couldn't keep my eyes open . They begin to close again , and I begin to nod , as the recollection rises fresh upon me . Once more the little room , with its open corner cupboard , and its square-backed chairs , and its angular little staircase leading to the room above , and its three peacock's feathers displayed over the mantelpiece -- I remember wondering when I first went in , what that peacock would have thought if he had known what his finery was doomed to come to -- fades from before me , and I nod , and sleep . The flute becomes inaudible , the wheels of the coach are heard instead , and I am on my journey . The coach jolts , I wake with a start , and the flute has come back again , and the Master at Salem House is sitting with his legs crossed , playing it dolefully , while the old woman of the house looks on delighted . She fades in her turn , and he fades , and all fades , and there is no flute , no Master , no Salem House , no David Copperfield , no anything but heavy sleep . I dreamed , I thought , that once while he was blowing into this dismal flute , the old woman of the house , who had gone nearer and nearer to him in her ecstatic admiration , leaned over the back of his chair and gave him an affectionate squeeze round the neck , which stopped his playing for a moment . I was in the middle state between sleeping and waking , either then or immediately afterwards ; for , as he resumed -- it was a real fact that he had stopped playing -- I saw and heard the same old woman ask Mrs. Fibbitson if it was n't delicious ( meaning the flute ) , to which Mrs. Fibbitson replied , 'Ay , ay ! yes ! ' and nodded at the fire : to which , I am persuaded , she gave the credit of the whole performance . When I seemed to have been dozing a long while , the Master at Salem House unscrewed his flute into the three pieces , put them up as before , and took me away . We found the coach very near at hand , and got upon the roof ; but I was so dead sleepy , that when we stopped on the road to take up somebody else , they put me inside where there were no passengers , and where I slept profoundly , until I found the coach going at a footpace up a steep hill among green leaves . Presently , it stopped , and had come to its destination . A short walk brought us -- I mean the Master and me -- to Salem House , which was enclosed with a high brick wall , and looked very dull . Over a door in this wall was a board with SALEM HOUSE upon it ; and through a grating in this door we were surveyed when we rang the bell by a surly face , which I found , on the door being opened , belonged to a stout man with a bull-neck , a wooden leg , overhanging temples , and his hair cut close all round his head . 'The new boy , ' said the Master . The man with the wooden leg eyed me all over -- it did n't take long , for there was not much of me -- and locked the gate behind us , and took out the key . We were going up to the house , among some dark heavy trees , when he called after my conductor . 'Hallo ! ' We looked back , and he was standing at the door of a little lodge , where he lived , with a pair of boots in his hand . 'Here ! The cobbler 's been , ' he said , 'since you 've been out , Mr. Mell , and he says he ca n't mend 'em any more . He says there ai n't a bit of the original boot left , and he wonders you expect it . ' With these words he threw the boots towards Mr. Mell , who went back a few paces to pick them up , and looked at them ( very disconsolately , I was afraid ) , as we went on together . I observed then , for the first time , that the boots he had on were a good deal the worse for wear , and that his stocking was just breaking out in one place , like a bud . Salem House was a square brick building with wings ; of a bare and unfurnished appearance . All about it was so very quiet , that I said to Mr. Mell I supposed the boys were out ; but he seemed surprised at my not knowing that it was holiday-time . That all the boys were at their several homes . That Mr. Creakle , the proprietor , was down by the sea-side with Mrs. and Miss Creakle ; and that I was sent in holiday-time as a punishment for my misdoing , all of which he explained to me as we went along . I gazed upon the schoolroom into which he took me , as the most forlorn and desolate place I had ever seen . I see it now . A long room with three long rows of desks , and six of forms , and bristling all round with pegs for hats and slates . Scraps of old copy-books and exercises litter the dirty floor . Some silkworms ' houses , made of the same materials , are scattered over the desks . Two miserable little white mice , left behind by their owner , are running up and down in a fusty castle made of pasteboard and wire , looking in all the corners with their red eyes for anything to eat . A bird , in a cage very little bigger than himself , makes a mournful rattle now and then in hopping on his perch , two inches high , or dropping from it ; but neither sings nor chirps . There is a strange unwholesome smell upon the room , like mildewed corduroys , sweet apples wanting air , and rotten books . There could not well be more ink splashed about it , if it had been roofless from its first construction , and the skies had rained , snowed , hailed , and blown ink through the varying seasons of the year . Mr. Mell having left me while he took his irreparable boots upstairs , I went softly to the upper end of the room , observing all this as I crept along . Suddenly I came upon a pasteboard placard , beautifully written , which was lying on the desk , and bore these words : 'TAKE CARE OF HIM . HE BITES . ' I got upon the desk immediately , apprehensive of at least a great dog underneath . But , though I looked all round with anxious eyes , I could see nothing of him . I was still engaged in peering about , when Mr. Mell came back , and asked me what I did up there ? 'I beg your pardon , sir , ' says I , 'if you please , I 'm looking for the dog . ' 'Dog ? ' he says . 'What dog ? ' 'Is n't it a dog , sir ? ' 'Is n't what a dog ? ' 'That 's to be taken care of , sir ; that bites . ' 'No , Copperfield , ' says he , gravely , 'that 's not a dog . That 's a boy . My instructions are , Copperfield , to put this placard on your back . I am sorry to make such a beginning with you , but I must do it . ' With that he took me down , and tied the placard , which was neatly constructed for the purpose , on my shoulders like a knapsack ; and wherever I went , afterwards , I had the consolation of carrying it . What I suffered from that placard , nobody can imagine . Whether it was possible for people to see me or not , I always fancied that somebody was reading it . It was no relief to turn round and find nobody ; for wherever my back was , there I imagined somebody always to be . That cruel man with the wooden leg aggravated my sufferings . He was in authority ; and if he ever saw me leaning against a tree , or a wall , or the house , he roared out from his lodge door in a stupendous voice , 'Hallo , you sir ! You Copperfield ! Show that badge conspicuous , or I 'll report you ! ' The playground was a bare gravelled yard , open to all the back of the house and the offices ; and I knew that the servants read it , and the butcher read it , and the baker read it ; that everybody , in a word , who came backwards and forwards to the house , of a morning when I was ordered to walk there , read that I was to be taken care of , for I bit , I recollect that I positively began to have a dread of myself , as a kind of wild boy who did bite . There was an old door in this playground , on which the boys had a custom of carving their names . It was completely covered with such inscriptions . In my dread of the end of the vacation and their coming back , I could not read a boy 's name , without inquiring in what tone and with what emphasis HE would read , 'Take care of him . He bites . ' There was one boy -- a certain J. Steerforth -- who cut his name very deep and very often , who , I conceived , would read it in a rather strong voice , and afterwards pull my hair . There was another boy , one Tommy Traddles , who I dreaded would make game of it , and pretend to be dreadfully frightened of me . There was a third , George Demple , who I fancied would sing it . I have looked , a little shrinking creature , at that door , until the owners of all the names -- there were five-and-forty of them in the school then , Mr. Mell said -- seemed to send me to Coventry by general acclamation , and to cry out , each in his own way , 'Take care of him . He bites ! ' It was the same with the places at the desks and forms . It was the same with the groves of deserted bedsteads I peeped at , on my way to , and when I was in , my own bed . I remember dreaming night after night , of being with my mother as she used to be , or of going to a party at Mr. Peggotty 's , or of travelling outside the stage-coach , or of dining again with my unfortunate friend the waiter , and in all these circumstances making people scream and stare , by the unhappy disclosure that I had nothing on but my little night-shirt , and that placard . In the monotony of my life , and in my constant apprehension of the re-opening of the school , it was such an insupportable affliction ! I had long tasks every day to do with Mr. Mell ; but I did them , there being no Mr. and Miss Murdstone here , and got through them without disgrace . Before , and after them , I walked about -- supervised , as I have mentioned , by the man with the wooden leg . How vividly I call to mind the damp about the house , the green cracked flagstones in the court , an old leaky water-butt , and the discoloured trunks of some of the grim trees , which seemed to have dripped more in the rain than other trees , and to have blown less in the sun ! At one we dined , Mr. Mell and I , at the upper end of a long bare dining-room , full of deal tables , and smelling of fat . Then , we had more tasks until tea , which Mr. Mell drank out of a blue teacup , and I out of a tin pot . All day long , and until seven or eight in the evening , Mr. Mell , at his own detached desk in the schoolroom , worked hard with pen , ink , ruler , books , and writing-paper , making out the bills ( as I found ) for last half-year . When he had put up his things for the night he took out his flute , and blew at it , until I almost thought he would gradually blow his whole being into the large hole at the top , and ooze away at the keys . I picture my small self in the dimly-lighted rooms , sitting with my head upon my hand , listening to the doleful performance of Mr. Mell , and conning tomorrow 's lessons . I picture myself with my books shut up , still listening to the doleful performance of Mr. Mell , and listening through it to what used to be at home , and to the blowing of the wind on Yarmouth flats , and feeling very sad and solitary . I picture myself going up to bed , among the unused rooms , and sitting on my bed-side crying for a comfortable word from Peggotty . I picture myself coming downstairs in the morning , and looking through a long ghastly gash of a staircase window at the school-bell hanging on the top of an out-house with a weathercock above it ; and dreading the time when it shall ring J. Steerforth and the rest to work : which is only second , in my foreboding apprehensions , to the time when the man with the wooden leg shall unlock the rusty gate to give admission to the awful Mr. Creakle . I can not think I was a very dangerous character in any of these aspects , but in all of them I carried the same warning on my back . Mr. Mell never said much to me , but he was never harsh to me . I suppose we were company to each other , without talking . I forgot to mention that he would talk to himself sometimes , and grin , and clench his fist , and grind his teeth , and pull his hair in an unaccountable manner . But he had these peculiarities : and at first they frightened me , though I soon got used to them . CHAPTER 6 . I ENLARGE MY CIRCLE OF ACQUAINTANCE I HAD led this life about a month , when the man with the wooden leg began to stump about with a mop and a bucket of water , from which I inferred that preparations were making to receive Mr. Creakle and the boys . I was not mistaken ; for the mop came into the schoolroom before long , and turned out Mr. Mell and me , who lived where we could , and got on how we could , for some days , during which we were always in the way of two or three young women , who had rarely shown themselves before , and were so continually in the midst of dust that I sneezed almost as much as if Salem House had been a great snuff-box . One day I was informed by Mr. Mell that Mr. Creakle would be home that evening . In the evening , after tea , I heard that he was come . Before bedtime , I was fetched by the man with the wooden leg to appear before him . Mr. Creakle 's part of the house was a good deal more comfortable than ours , and he had a snug bit of garden that looked pleasant after the dusty playground , which was such a desert in miniature , that I thought no one but a camel , or a dromedary , could have felt at home in it . It seemed to me a bold thing even to take notice that the passage looked comfortable , as I went on my way , trembling , to Mr. Creakle 's presence : which so abashed me , when I was ushered into it , that I hardly saw Mrs. Creakle or Miss Creakle ( who were both there , in the parlour ) , or anything but Mr. Creakle , a stout gentleman with a bunch of watch-chain and seals , in an arm-chair , with a tumbler and bottle beside him . 'So ! ' said Mr. Creakle . 'This is the young gentleman whose teeth are to be filed ! Turn him round . ' The wooden-legged man turned me about so as to exhibit the placard ; and having afforded time for a full survey of it , turned me about again , with my face to Mr. Creakle , and posted himself at Mr. Creakle 's side . Mr. Creakle 's face was fiery , and his eyes were small , and deep in his head ; he had thick veins in his forehead , a little nose , and a large chin . He was bald on the top of his head ; and had some thin wet-looking hair that was just turning grey , brushed across each temple , so that the two sides interlaced on his forehead . But the circumstance about him which impressed me most , was , that he had no voice , but spoke in a whisper . The exertion this cost him , or the consciousness of talking in that feeble way , made his angry face so much more angry , and his thick veins so much thicker , when he spoke , that I am not surprised , on looking back , at this peculiarity striking me as his chief one . 'Now , ' said Mr. Creakle . 'What 's the report of this boy ? ' 'There 's nothing against him yet , ' returned the man with the wooden leg . 'There has been no opportunity . ' I thought Mr. Creakle was disappointed . I thought Mrs. and Miss Creakle ( at whom I now glanced for the first time , and who were , both , thin and quiet ) were not disappointed . 'Come here , sir ! ' said Mr. Creakle , beckoning to me . 'Come here ! ' said the man with the wooden leg , repeating the gesture . 'I have the happiness of knowing your father-in-law , ' whispered Mr. Creakle , taking me by the ear ; 'and a worthy man he is , and a man of a strong character . He knows me , and I know him . Do YOU know me ? Hey ? ' said Mr. Creakle , pinching my ear with ferocious playfulness . 'Not yet , sir , ' I said , flinching with the pain . 'Not yet ? Hey ? ' repeated Mr. Creakle . 'But you will soon . Hey ? ' 'You will soon . Hey ? ' repeated the man with the wooden leg . I afterwards found that he generally acted , with his strong voice , as Mr. Creakle's interpreter to the boys . I was very much frightened , and said , I hoped so , if he pleased . I felt , all this while , as if my ear were blazing ; he pinched it so hard . 'I 'll tell you what I am , ' whispered Mr. Creakle , letting it go at last , with a screw at parting that brought the water into my eyes . 'I 'm a Tartar . ' 'A Tartar , ' said the man with the wooden leg . 'When I say I 'll do a thing , I do it , ' said Mr. Creakle ; 'and when I say I will have a thing done , I will have it done . ' ' -- Will have a thing done , I will have it done , ' repeated the man with the wooden leg . 'I am a determined character , ' said Mr. Creakle . 'That 's what I am . I do my duty . That 's what I do . My flesh and blood ' -- he looked at Mrs. Creakle as he said this -- 'when it rises against me , is not my flesh and blood . I discard it . Has that fellow ' -- to the man with the wooden leg -- 'been here again ? ' 'No , ' was the answer . 'No , ' said Mr. Creakle . 'He knows better . He knows me . Let him keep away . I say let him keep away , ' said Mr. Creakle , striking his hand upon the table , and looking at Mrs. Creakle , 'for he knows me . Now you have begun to know me too , my young friend , and you may go . Take him away . ' I was very glad to be ordered away , for Mrs. and Miss Creakle were both wiping their eyes , and I felt as uncomfortable for them as I did for myself . But I had a petition on my mind which concerned me so nearly , that I could n't help saying , though I wondered at my own courage : 'If you please , sir -- ' Mr. Creakle whispered , 'Hah ! What 's this ? ' and bent his eyes upon me , as if he would have burnt me up with them . 'If you please , sir , ' I faltered , 'if I might be allowed ( I am very sorry indeed , sir , for what I did ) to take this writing off , before the boys come back -- ' Whether Mr. Creakle was in earnest , or whether he only did it to frighten me , I do n't know , but he made a burst out of his chair , before which I precipitately retreated , without waiting for the escort of the man with the wooden leg , and never once stopped until I reached my own bedroom , where , finding I was not pursued , I went to bed , as it was time , and lay quaking , for a couple of hours . Next morning Mr. Sharp came back . Mr. Sharp was the first master , and superior to Mr. Mell . Mr. Mell took his meals with the boys , but Mr. Sharp dined and supped at Mr. Creakle 's table . He was a limp , delicate-looking gentleman , I thought , with a good deal of nose , and a way of carrying his head on one side , as if it were a little too heavy for him . His hair was very smooth and wavy ; but I was informed by the very first boy who came back that it was a wig ( a second-hand one HE said ) , and that Mr. Sharp went out every Saturday afternoon to get it curled . It was no other than Tommy Traddles who gave me this piece of intelligence . He was the first boy who returned . He introduced himself by informing me that I should find his name on the right-hand corner of the gate , over the top-bolt ; upon that I said , 'Traddles ? ' to which he replied , 'The same , ' and then he asked me for a full account of myself and family . It was a happy circumstance for me that Traddles came back first . He enjoyed my placard so much , that he saved me from the embarrassment of either disclosure or concealment , by presenting me to every other boy who came back , great or small , immediately on his arrival , in this form of introduction , 'Look here ! Here 's a game ! ' Happily , too , the greater part of the boys came back low-spirited , and were not so boisterous at my expense as I had expected . Some of them certainly did dance about me like wild Indians , and the greater part could not resist the temptation of pretending that I was a dog , and patting and soothing me , lest I should bite , and saying , 'Lie down , sir ! ' and calling me Towzer . This was naturally confusing , among so many strangers , and cost me some tears , but on the whole it was much better than I had anticipated . I was not considered as being formally received into the school , however , until J. Steerforth arrived . Before this boy , who was reputed to be a great scholar , and was very good-looking , and at least half-a-dozen years my senior , I was carried as before a magistrate . He inquired , under a shed in the playground , into the particulars of my punishment , and was pleased to express his opinion that it was 'a jolly shame ' ; for which I became bound to him ever afterwards . 'What money have you got , Copperfield ? ' he said , walking aside with me when he had disposed of my affair in these terms . I told him seven shillings . 'You had better give it to me to take care of , ' he said . 'At least , you can if you like . You need n't if you do n't like . ' I hastened to comply with his friendly suggestion , and opening Peggotty 's purse , turned it upside down into his hand . 'Do you want to spend anything now ? ' he asked me . 'No thank you , ' I replied . 'You can , if you like , you know , ' said Steerforth . 'Say the word . ' 'No , thank you , sir , ' I repeated . 'Perhaps you 'd like to spend a couple of shillings or so , in a bottle of currant wine by and by , up in the bedroom ? ' said Steerforth . 'You belong to my bedroom , I find . ' It certainly had not occurred to me before , but I said , Yes , I should like that . 'Very good , ' said Steerforth . 'You 'll be glad to spend another shilling or so , in almond cakes , I dare say ? ' I said , Yes , I should like that , too . 'And another shilling or so in biscuits , and another in fruit , eh ? ' said Steerforth . 'I say , young Copperfield , you 're going it ! ' I smiled because he smiled , but I was a little troubled in my mind , too . 'Well ! ' said Steerforth . 'We must make it stretch as far as we can ; that 's all . I 'll do the best in my power for you . I can go out when I like , and I 'll smuggle the prog in . ' With these words he put the money in his pocket , and kindly told me not to make myself uneasy ; he would take care it should be all right . He was as good as his word , if that were all right which I had a secret misgiving was nearly all wrong -- for I feared it was a waste of my mother 's two half-crowns -- though I had preserved the piece of paper they were wrapped in : which was a precious saving . When we went upstairs to bed , he produced the whole seven shillings ' worth , and laid it out on my bed in the moonlight , saying : 'There you are , young Copperfield , and a royal spread you 've got . ' I could n't think of doing the honours of the feast , at my time of life , while he was by ; my hand shook at the very thought of it . I begged him to do me the favour of presiding ; and my request being seconded by the other boys who were in that room , he acceded to it , and sat upon my pillow , handing round the viands -- with perfect fairness , I must say -- and dispensing the currant wine in a little glass without a foot , which was his own property . As to me , I sat on his left hand , and the rest were grouped about us , on the nearest beds and on the floor . How well I recollect our sitting there , talking in whispers ; or their talking , and my respectfully listening , I ought rather to say ; the moonlight falling a little way into the room , through the window , painting a pale window on the floor , and the greater part of us in shadow , except when Steerforth dipped a match into a phosphorus-box , when he wanted to look for anything on the board , and shed a blue glare over us that was gone directly ! A certain mysterious feeling , consequent on the darkness , the secrecy of the revel , and the whisper in which everything was said , steals over me again , and I listen to all they tell me with a vague feeling of solemnity and awe , which makes me glad that they are all so near , and frightens me ( though I feign to laugh ) when Traddles pretends to see a ghost in the corner . I heard all kinds of things about the school and all belonging to it . I heard that Mr. Creakle had not preferred his claim to being a Tartar without reason ; that he was the sternest and most severe of masters ; that he laid about him , right and left , every day of his life , charging in among the boys like a trooper , and slashing away , unmercifully . That he knew nothing himself , but the art of slashing , being more ignorant ( J. Steerforth said ) than the lowest boy in the school ; that he had been , a good many years ago , a small hop-dealer in the Borough , and had taken to the schooling business after being bankrupt in hops , and making away with Mrs. Creakle 's money . With a good deal more of that sort , which I wondered how they knew . I heard that the man with the wooden leg , whose name was Tungay , was an obstinate barbarian who had formerly assisted in the hop business , but had come into the scholastic line with Mr. Creakle , in consequence , as was supposed among the boys , of his having broken his leg in Mr. Creakle 's service , and having done a deal of dishonest work for him , and knowing his secrets . I heard that with the single exception of Mr. Creakle , Tungay considered the whole establishment , masters and boys , as his natural enemies , and that the only delight of his life was to be sour and malicious . I heard that Mr. Creakle had a son , who had not been Tungay 's friend , and who , assisting in the school , had once held some remonstrance with his father on an occasion when its discipline was very cruelly exercised , and was supposed , besides , to have protested against his father 's usage of his mother . I heard that Mr. Creakle had turned him out of doors , in consequence ; and that Mrs. and Miss Creakle had been in a sad way , ever since . But the greatest wonder that I heard of Mr. Creakle was , there being one boy in the school on whom he never ventured to lay a hand , and that boy being J. Steerforth . Steerforth himself confirmed this when it was stated , and said that he should like to begin to see him do it . On being asked by a mild boy ( not me ) how he would proceed if he did begin to see him do it , he dipped a match into his phosphorus-box on purpose to shed a glare over his reply , and said he would commence by knocking him down with a blow on the forehead from the seven-and-sixpenny ink-bottle that was always on the mantelpiece . We sat in the dark for some time , breathless . I heard that Mr. Sharp and Mr. Mell were both supposed to be wretchedly paid ; and that when there was hot and cold meat for dinner at Mr. Creakle 's table , Mr. Sharp was always expected to say he preferred cold ; which was again corroborated by J. Steerforth , the only parlour-boarder . I heard that Mr. Sharp 's wig did n't fit him ; and that he need n't be so 'bounceable ' -- somebody else said 'bumptious ' -- about it , because his own red hair was very plainly to be seen behind . I heard that one boy , who was a coal-merchant 's son , came as a set-off against the coal-bill , and was called , on that account , 'Exchange or Barter ' -- a name selected from the arithmetic book as expressing this arrangement . I heard that the table beer was a robbery of parents , and the pudding an imposition . I heard that Miss Creakle was regarded by the school in general as being in love with Steerforth ; and I am sure , as I sat in the dark , thinking of his nice voice , and his fine face , and his easy manner , and his curling hair , I thought it very likely . I heard that Mr. Mell was not a bad sort of fellow , but had n't a sixpence to bless himself with ; and that there was no doubt that old Mrs. Mell , his mother , was as poor as job . I thought of my breakfast then , and what had sounded like 'My Charley ! ' but I was , I am glad to remember , as mute as a mouse about it . The hearing of all this , and a good deal more , outlasted the banquet some time . The greater part of the guests had gone to bed as soon as the eating and drinking were over ; and we , who had remained whispering and listening half-undressed , at last betook ourselves to bed , too . 'Good night , young Copperfield , ' said Steerforth . 'I 'll take care of you . ' 'You 're very kind , ' I gratefully returned . 'I am very much obliged to you . ' 'You have n't got a sister , have you ? ' said Steerforth , yawning . 'No , ' I answered . 'That 's a pity , ' said Steerforth . 'If you had had one , I should think she would have been a pretty , timid , little , bright-eyed sort of girl . I should have liked to know her . Good night , young Copperfield . ' 'Good night , sir , ' I replied . I thought of him very much after I went to bed , and raised myself , I recollect , to look at him where he lay in the moonlight , with his handsome face turned up , and his head reclining easily on his arm . He was a person of great power in my eyes ; that was , of course , the reason of my mind running on him . No veiled future dimly glanced upon him in the moonbeams . There was no shadowy picture of his footsteps , in the garden that I dreamed of walking in all night . CHAPTER 7 . MY 'FIRST HALF ' AT SALEM HOUSE School began in earnest next day . A profound impression was made upon me , I remember , by the roar of voices in the schoolroom suddenly becoming hushed as death when Mr. Creakle entered after breakfast , and stood in the doorway looking round upon us like a giant in a story-book surveying his captives . Tungay stood at Mr. Creakle 's elbow . He had no occasion , I thought , to cry out 'Silence ! ' so ferociously , for the boys were all struck speechless and motionless . Mr. Creakle was seen to speak , and Tungay was heard , to this effect . 'Now , boys , this is a new half . Take care what you 're about , in this new half . Come fresh up to the lessons , I advise you , for I come fresh up to the punishment . I wo n't flinch . It will be of no use your rubbing yourselves ; you wo n't rub the marks out that I shall give you . Now get to work , every boy ! ' When this dreadful exordium was over , and Tungay had stumped out again , Mr. Creakle came to where I sat , and told me that if I were famous for biting , he was famous for biting , too . He then showed me the cane , and asked me what I thought of THAT , for a tooth ? Was it a sharp tooth , hey ? Was it a double tooth , hey ? Had it a deep prong , hey ? Did it bite , hey ? Did it bite ? At every question he gave me a fleshy cut with it that made me writhe ; so I was very soon made free of Salem House ( as Steerforth said ) , and was very soon in tears also . Not that I mean to say these were special marks of distinction , which only I received . On the contrary , a large majority of the boys ( especially the smaller ones ) were visited with similar instances of notice , as Mr. Creakle made the round of the schoolroom . Half the establishment was writhing and crying , before the day 's work began ; and how much of it had writhed and cried before the day 's work was over , I am really afraid to recollect , lest I should seem to exaggerate . I should think there never can have been a man who enjoyed his profession more than Mr. Creakle did . He had a delight in cutting at the boys , which was like the satisfaction of a craving appetite . I am confident that he could n't resist a chubby boy , especially ; that there was a fascination in such a subject , which made him restless in his mind , until he had scored and marked him for the day . I was chubby myself , and ought to know . I am sure when I think of the fellow now , my blood rises against him with the disinterested indignation I should feel if I could have known all about him without having ever been in his power ; but it rises hotly , because I know him to have been an incapable brute , who had no more right to be possessed of the great trust he held , than to be Lord High Admiral , or Commander-in-Chief -- in either of which capacities it is probable that he would have done infinitely less mischief . Miserable little propitiators of a remorseless Idol , how abject we were to him ! What a launch in life I think it now , on looking back , to be so mean and servile to a man of such parts and pretensions ! Here I sit at the desk again , watching his eye -- humbly watching his eye , as he rules a ciphering-book for another victim whose hands have just been flattened by that identical ruler , and who is trying to wipe the sting out with a pocket-handkerchief . I have plenty to do . I do n't watch his eye in idleness , but because I am morbidly attracted to it , in a dread desire to know what he will do next , and whether it will be my turn to suffer , or somebody else 's . A lane of small boys beyond me , with the same interest in his eye , watch it too . I think he knows it , though he pretends he do n't . He makes dreadful mouths as he rules the ciphering-book ; and now he throws his eye sideways down our lane , and we all droop over our books and tremble . A moment afterwards we are again eyeing him . An unhappy culprit , found guilty of imperfect exercise , approaches at his command . The culprit falters excuses , and professes a determination to do better tomorrow . Mr. Creakle cuts a joke before he beats him , and we laugh at it , -- miserable little dogs , we laugh , with our visages as white as ashes , and our hearts sinking into our boots . Here I sit at the desk again , on a drowsy summer afternoon . A buzz and hum go up around me , as if the boys were so many bluebottles . A cloggy sensation of the lukewarm fat of meat is upon me ( we dined an hour or two ago ) , and my head is as heavy as so much lead . I would give the world to go to sleep . I sit with my eye on Mr. Creakle , blinking at him like a young owl ; when sleep overpowers me for a minute , he still looms through my slumber , ruling those ciphering-books , until he softly comes behind me and wakes me to plainer perception of him , with a red ridge across my back . Here I am in the playground , with my eye still fascinated by him , though I ca n't see him . The window at a little distance from which I know he is having his dinner , stands for him , and I eye that instead . If he shows his face near it , mine assumes an imploring and submissive expression . If he looks out through the glass , the boldest boy ( Steerforth excepted ) stops in the middle of a shout or yell , and becomes contemplative . One day , Traddles ( the most unfortunate boy in the world ) breaks that window accidentally , with a ball . I shudder at this moment with the tremendous sensation of seeing it done , and feeling that the ball has bounded on to Mr. Creakle 's sacred head . Poor Traddles ! In a tight sky-blue suit that made his arms and legs like German sausages , or roly-poly puddings , he was the merriest and most miserable of all the boys . He was always being caned -- I think he was caned every day that half-year , except one holiday Monday when he was only ruler 'd on both hands -- and was always going to write to his uncle about it , and never did . After laying his head on the desk for a little while , he would cheer up , somehow , begin to laugh again , and draw skeletons all over his slate , before his eyes were dry . I used at first to wonder what comfort Traddles found in drawing skeletons ; and for some time looked upon him as a sort of hermit , who reminded himself by those symbols of mortality that caning could n't last for ever . But I believe he only did it because they were easy , and did n't want any features . He was very honourable , Traddles was , and held it as a solemn duty in the boys to stand by one another . He suffered for this on several occasions ; and particularly once , when Steerforth laughed in church , and the Beadle thought it was Traddles , and took him out . I see him now , going away in custody , despised by the congregation . He never said who was the real offender , though he smarted for it next day , and was imprisoned so many hours that he came forth with a whole churchyard-full of skeletons swarming all over his Latin Dictionary . But he had his reward . Steerforth said there was nothing of the sneak in Traddles , and we all felt that to be the highest praise . For my part , I could have gone through a good deal ( though I was much less brave than Traddles , and nothing like so old ) to have won such a recompense . To see Steerforth walk to church before us , arm-in-arm with Miss Creakle , was one of the great sights of my life . I did n't think Miss Creakle equal to little Em'ly in point of beauty , and I did n't love her ( I did n't dare ) ; but I thought her a young lady of extraordinary attractions , and in point of gentility not to be surpassed . When Steerforth , in white trousers , carried her parasol for her , I felt proud to know him ; and believed that she could not choose but adore him with all her heart . Mr. Sharp and Mr. Mell were both notable personages in my eyes ; but Steerforth was to them what the sun was to two stars . Steerforth continued his protection of me , and proved a very useful friend ; since nobody dared to annoy one whom he honoured with his countenance . He could n't -- or at all events he did n't -- defend me from Mr. Creakle , who was very severe with me ; but whenever I had been treated worse than usual , he always told me that I wanted a little of his pluck , and that he would n't have stood it himself ; which I felt he intended for encouragement , and considered to be very kind of him . There was one advantage , and only one that I know of , in Mr. Creakle 's severity . He found my placard in his way when he came up or down behind the form on which I sat , and wanted to make a cut at me in passing ; for this reason it was soon taken off , and I saw it no more . An accidental circumstance cemented the intimacy between Steerforth and me , in a manner that inspired me with great pride and satisfaction , though it sometimes led to inconvenience . It happened on one occasion , when he was doing me the honour of talking to me in the playground , that I hazarded the observation that something or somebody -- I forget what now -- was like something or somebody in Peregrine Pickle . He said nothing at the time ; but when I was going to bed at night , asked me if I had got that book ? I told him no , and explained how it was that I had read it , and all those other books of which I have made mention . 'And do you recollect them ? ' Steerforth said . 'Oh yes , ' I replied ; I had a good memory , and I believed I recollected them very well . 'Then I tell you what , young Copperfield , ' said Steerforth , 'you shall tell 'em to me . I ca n't get to sleep very early at night , and I generally wake rather early in the morning . We 'll go over 'em one after another . We 'll make some regular Arabian Nights of it . ' I felt extremely flattered by this arrangement , and we commenced carrying it into execution that very evening . What ravages I committed on my favourite authors in the course of my interpretation of them , I am not in a condition to say , and should be very unwilling to know ; but I had a profound faith in them , and I had , to the best of my belief , a simple , earnest manner of narrating what I did narrate ; and these qualities went a long way . The drawback was , that I was often sleepy at night , or out of spirits and indisposed to resume the story ; and then it was rather hard work , and it must be done ; for to disappoint or to displease Steerforth was of course out of the question . In the morning , too , when I felt weary , and should have enjoyed another hour 's repose very much , it was a tiresome thing to be roused , like the Sultana Scheherazade , and forced into a long story before the getting-up bell rang ; but Steerforth was resolute ; and as he explained to me , in return , my sums and exercises , and anything in my tasks that was too hard for me , I was no loser by the transaction . Let me do myself justice , however . I was moved by no interested or selfish motive , nor was I moved by fear of him . I admired and loved him , and his approval was return enough . It was so precious to me that I look back on these trifles , now , with an aching heart . Steerforth was considerate , too ; and showed his consideration , in one particular instance , in an unflinching manner that was a little tantalizing , I suspect , to poor Traddles and the rest . Peggotty's promised letter -- what a comfortable letter it was ! -- arrived before 'the half ' was many weeks old ; and with it a cake in a perfect nest of oranges , and two bottles of cowslip wine . This treasure , as in duty bound , I laid at the feet of Steerforth , and begged him to dispense . 'Now , I 'll tell you what , young Copperfield , ' said he : 'the wine shall be kept to wet your whistle when you are story-telling . ' I blushed at the idea , and begged him , in my modesty , not to think of it . But he said he had observed I was sometimes hoarse -- a little roopy was his exact expression -- and it should be , every drop , devoted to the purpose he had mentioned . Accordingly , it was locked up in his box , and drawn off by himself in a phial , and administered to me through a piece of quill in the cork , when I was supposed to be in want of a restorative . Sometimes , to make it a more sovereign specific , he was so kind as to squeeze orange juice into it , or to stir it up with ginger , or dissolve a peppermint drop in it ; and although I can not assert that the flavour was improved by these experiments , or that it was exactly the compound one would have chosen for a stomachic , the last thing at night and the first thing in the morning , I drank it gratefully and was very sensible of his attention . We seem , to me , to have been months over Peregrine , and months more over the other stories . The institution never flagged for want of a story , I am certain ; and the wine lasted out almost as well as the matter . Poor Traddles -- I never think of that boy but with a strange disposition to laugh , and with tears in my eyes -- was a sort of chorus , in general ; and affected to be convulsed with mirth at the comic parts , and to be overcome with fear when there was any passage of an alarming character in the narrative . This rather put me out , very often . It was a great jest of his , I recollect , to pretend that he could n't keep his teeth from chattering , whenever mention was made of an Alguazill in connexion with the adventures of Gil Blas ; and I remember that when Gil Blas met the captain of the robbers in Madrid , this unlucky joker counterfeited such an ague of terror , that he was overheard by Mr. Creakle , who was prowling about the passage , and handsomely flogged for disorderly conduct in the bedroom . Whatever I had within me that was romantic and dreamy , was encouraged by so much story-telling in the dark ; and in that respect the pursuit may not have been very profitable to me . But the being cherished as a kind of plaything in my room , and the consciousness that this accomplishment of mine was bruited about among the boys , and attracted a good deal of notice to me though I was the youngest there , stimulated me to exertion . In a school carried on by sheer cruelty , whether it is presided over by a dunce or not , there is not likely to be much learnt . I believe our boys were , generally , as ignorant a set as any schoolboys in existence ; they were too much troubled and knocked about to learn ; they could no more do that to advantage , than any one can do anything to advantage in a life of constant misfortune , torment , and worry . But my little vanity , and Steerforth 's help , urged me on somehow ; and without saving me from much , if anything , in the way of punishment , made me , for the time I was there , an exception to the general body , insomuch that I did steadily pick up some crumbs of knowledge . In this I was much assisted by Mr. Mell , who had a liking for me that I am grateful to remember . It always gave me pain to observe that Steerforth treated him with systematic disparagement , and seldom lost an occasion of wounding his feelings , or inducing others to do so . This troubled me the more for a long time , because I had soon told Steerforth , from whom I could no more keep such a secret , than I could keep a cake or any other tangible possession , about the two old women Mr. Mell had taken me to see ; and I was always afraid that Steerforth would let it out , and twit him with it . We little thought , any one of us , I dare say , when I ate my breakfast that first morning , and went to sleep under the shadow of the peacock's feathers to the sound of the flute , what consequences would come of the introduction into those alms-houses of my insignificant person . But the visit had its unforeseen consequences ; and of a serious sort , too , in their way . One day when Mr. Creakle kept the house from indisposition , which naturally diffused a lively joy through the school , there was a good deal of noise in the course of the morning 's work . The great relief and satisfaction experienced by the boys made them difficult to manage ; and though the dreaded Tungay brought his wooden leg in twice or thrice , and took notes of the principal offenders ' names , no great impression was made by it , as they were pretty sure of getting into trouble tomorrow , do what they would , and thought it wise , no doubt , to enjoy themselves today . It was , properly , a half-holiday ; being Saturday . But as the noise in the playground would have disturbed Mr. Creakle , and the weather was not favourable for going out walking , we were ordered into school in the afternoon , and set some lighter tasks than usual , which were made for the occasion . It was the day of the week on which Mr. Sharp went out to get his wig curled ; so Mr. Mell , who always did the drudgery , whatever it was , kept school by himself . If I could associate the idea of a bull or a bear with anyone so mild as Mr. Mell , I should think of him , in connexion with that afternoon when the uproar was at its height , as of one of those animals , baited by a thousand dogs . I recall him bending his aching head , supported on his bony hand , over the book on his desk , and wretchedly endeavouring to get on with his tiresome work , amidst an uproar that might have made the Speaker of the House of Commons giddy . Boys started in and out of their places , playing at puss in the corner with other boys ; there were laughing boys , singing boys , talking boys , dancing boys , howling boys ; boys shuffled with their feet , boys whirled about him , grinning , making faces , mimicking him behind his back and before his eyes ; mimicking his poverty , his boots , his coat , his mother , everything belonging to him that they should have had consideration for . 'Silence ! ' cried Mr. Mell , suddenly rising up , and striking his desk with the book . 'What does this mean ! It 's impossible to bear it . It's maddening . How can you do it to me , boys ? ' It was my book that he struck his desk with ; and as I stood beside him , following his eye as it glanced round the room , I saw the boys all stop , some suddenly surprised , some half afraid , and some sorry perhaps . Steerforth 's place was at the bottom of the school , at the opposite end of the long room . He was lounging with his back against the wall , and his hands in his pockets , and looked at Mr. Mell with his mouth shut up as if he were whistling , when Mr. Mell looked at him . 'Silence , Mr . Steerforth ! ' said Mr. Mell . 'Silence yourself , ' said Steerforth , turning red . 'Whom are you talking to ? ' 'Sit down , ' said Mr. Mell . 'Sit down yourself , ' said Steerforth , 'and mind your business . ' There was a titter , and some applause ; but Mr. Mell was so white , that silence immediately succeeded ; and one boy , who had darted out behind him to imitate his mother again , changed his mind , and pretended to want a pen mended . 'If you think , Steerforth , ' said Mr. Mell , 'that I am not acquainted with the power you can establish over any mind here ' -- he laid his hand , without considering what he did ( as I supposed ) , upon my head -- 'or that I have not observed you , within a few minutes , urging your juniors on to every sort of outrage against me , you are mistaken . ' 'I do n't give myself the trouble of thinking at all about you , ' said Steerforth , coolly ; 'so I 'm not mistaken , as it happens . ' 'And when you make use of your position of favouritism here , sir , ' pursued Mr. Mell , with his lip trembling very much , 'to insult a gentleman -- ' 'A what ? -- where is he ? ' said Steerforth . Here somebody cried out , 'Shame , J. Steerforth ! Too bad ! ' It was Traddles ; whom Mr. Mell instantly discomfited by bidding him hold his tongue . -- 'To insult one who is not fortunate in life , sir , and who never gave you the least offence , and the many reasons for not insulting whom you are old enough and wise enough to understand , ' said Mr. Mell , with his lips trembling more and more , 'you commit a mean and base action . You can sit down or stand up as you please , sir . Copperfield , go on . ' 'Young Copperfield , ' said Steerforth , coming forward up the room , 'stop a bit . I tell you what , Mr. Mell , once for all . When you take the liberty of calling me mean or base , or anything of that sort , you are an impudent beggar . You are always a beggar , you know ; but when you do that , you are an impudent beggar . ' I am not clear whether he was going to strike Mr. Mell , or Mr. Mell was going to strike him , or there was any such intention on either side . I saw a rigidity come upon the whole school as if they had been turned into stone , and found Mr. Creakle in the midst of us , with Tungay at his side , and Mrs. and Miss Creakle looking in at the door as if they were frightened . Mr. Mell , with his elbows on his desk and his face in his hands , sat , for some moments , quite still . 'Mr . Mell , ' said Mr. Creakle , shaking him by the arm ; and his whisper was so audible now , that Tungay felt it unnecessary to repeat his words ; 'you have not forgotten yourself , I hope ? ' 'No , sir , no , ' returned the Master , showing his face , and shaking his head , and rubbing his hands in great agitation . 'No , sir . No . I have remembered myself , I -- no , Mr. Creakle , I have not forgotten myself , I -- I have remembered myself , sir . I -- I -- could wish you had remembered me a little sooner , Mr. Creakle . It -- it -- would have been more kind , sir , more just , sir . It would have saved me something , sir . ' Mr. Creakle , looking hard at Mr. Mell , put his hand on Tungay's shoulder , and got his feet upon the form close by , and sat upon the desk . After still looking hard at Mr. Mell from his throne , as he shook his head , and rubbed his hands , and remained in the same state of agitation , Mr. Creakle turned to Steerforth , and said : 'Now , sir , as he do n't condescend to tell me , what is this ? ' Steerforth evaded the question for a little while ; looking in scorn and anger on his opponent , and remaining silent . I could not help thinking even in that interval , I remember , what a noble fellow he was in appearance , and how homely and plain Mr. Mell looked opposed to him . 'What did he mean by talking about favourites , then ? ' said Steerforth at length . 'Favourites ? ' repeated Mr. Creakle , with the veins in his forehead swelling quickly . 'Who talked about favourites ? ' 'He did , ' said Steerforth . 'And pray , what did you mean by that , sir ? ' demanded Mr. Creakle , turning angrily on his assistant . 'I meant , Mr. Creakle , ' he returned in a low voice , 'as I said ; that no pupil had a right to avail himself of his position of favouritism to degrade me . ' 'To degrade YOU ? ' said Mr. Creakle . 'My stars ! But give me leave to ask you , Mr. What's-your-name ' ; and here Mr. Creakle folded his arms , cane and all , upon his chest , and made such a knot of his brows that his little eyes were hardly visible below them ; 'whether , when you talk about favourites , you showed proper respect to me ? To me , sir , ' said Mr. Creakle , darting his head at him suddenly , and drawing it back again , 'the principal of this establishment , and your employer . ' 'It was not judicious , sir , I am willing to admit , ' said Mr. Mell . 'I should not have done so , if I had been cool . ' Here Steerforth struck in . 'Then he said I was mean , and then he said I was base , and then I called him a beggar . If I had been cool , perhaps I should n't have called him a beggar . But I did , and I am ready to take the consequences of it . ' Without considering , perhaps , whether there were any consequences to be taken , I felt quite in a glow at this gallant speech . It made an impression on the boys too , for there was a low stir among them , though no one spoke a word . 'I am surprised , Steerforth -- although your candour does you honour , ' said Mr. Creakle , 'does you honour , certainly -- I am surprised , Steerforth , I must say , that you should attach such an epithet to any person employed and paid in Salem House , sir . ' Steerforth gave a short laugh . 'That 's not an answer , sir , ' said Mr. Creakle , 'to my remark . I expect more than that from you , Steerforth . ' If Mr. Mell looked homely , in my eyes , before the handsome boy , it would be quite impossible to say how homely Mr. Creakle looked . 'Let him deny it , ' said Steerforth . 'Deny that he is a beggar , Steerforth ? ' cried Mr. Creakle . 'Why , where does he go a-begging ? ' 'If he is not a beggar himself , his near relation 's one , ' said Steerforth . 'It 's all the same . ' He glanced at me , and Mr. Mell 's hand gently patted me upon the shoulder . I looked up with a flush upon my face and remorse in my heart , but Mr. Mell 's eyes were fixed on Steerforth . He continued to pat me kindly on the shoulder , but he looked at him . 'Since you expect me , Mr. Creakle , to justify myself , ' said Steerforth , 'and to say what I mean , -- what I have to say is , that his mother lives on charity in an alms-house . ' Mr. Mell still looked at him , and still patted me kindly on the shoulder , and said to himself , in a whisper , if I heard right : 'Yes , I thought so . ' Mr. Creakle turned to his assistant , with a severe frown and laboured politeness : 'Now , you hear what this gentleman says , Mr. Mell . Have the goodness , if you please , to set him right before the assembled school . ' 'He is right , sir , without correction , ' returned Mr. Mell , in the midst of a dead silence ; 'what he has said is true . ' 'Be so good then as declare publicly , will you , ' said Mr. Creakle , putting his head on one side , and rolling his eyes round the school , 'whether it ever came to my knowledge until this moment ? ' 'I believe not directly , ' he returned . 'Why , you know not , ' said Mr. Creakle . 'Do n't you , man ? ' 'I apprehend you never supposed my worldly circumstances to be very good , ' replied the assistant . 'You know what my position is , and always has been , here . ' 'I apprehend , if you come to that , ' said Mr. Creakle , with his veins swelling again bigger than ever , 'that you 've been in a wrong position altogether , and mistook this for a charity school . Mr. Mell , we 'll part , if you please . The sooner the better . ' 'There is no time , ' answered Mr. Mell , rising , 'like the present . ' 'Sir , to you ! ' said Mr. Creakle . 'I take my leave of you , Mr. Creakle , and all of you , ' said Mr. Mell , glancing round the room , and again patting me gently on the shoulders . 'James Steerforth , the best wish I can leave you is that you may come to be ashamed of what you have done today . At present I would prefer to see you anything rather than a friend , to me , or to anyone in whom I feel an interest . ' Once more he laid his hand upon my shoulder ; and then taking his flute and a few books from his desk , and leaving the key in it for his successor , he went out of the school , with his property under his arm . Mr. Creakle then made a speech , through Tungay , in which he thanked Steerforth for asserting ( though perhaps too warmly ) the independence and respectability of Salem House ; and which he wound up by shaking hands with Steerforth , while we gave three cheers -- I did not quite know what for , but I supposed for Steerforth , and so joined in them ardently , though I felt miserable . Mr. Creakle then caned Tommy Traddles for being discovered in tears , instead of cheers , on account of Mr. Mell's departure ; and went back to his sofa , or his bed , or wherever he had come from . We were left to ourselves now , and looked very blank , I recollect , on one another . For myself , I felt so much self-reproach and contrition for my part in what had happened , that nothing would have enabled me to keep back my tears but the fear that Steerforth , who often looked at me , I saw , might think it unfriendly -- or , I should rather say , considering our relative ages , and the feeling with which I regarded him , undutiful -- if I showed the emotion which distressed me . He was very angry with Traddles , and said he was glad he had caught it . Poor Traddles , who had passed the stage of lying with his head upon the desk , and was relieving himself as usual with a burst of skeletons , said he did n't care . Mr. Mell was ill-used . 'Who has ill-used him , you girl ? ' said Steerforth . 'Why , you have , ' returned Traddles . 'What have I done ? ' said Steerforth . 'What have you done ? ' retorted Traddles . 'Hurt his feelings , and lost him his situation . ' 'His feelings ? ' repeated Steerforth disdainfully . 'His feelings will soon get the better of it , I 'll be bound . His feelings are not like yours , Miss Traddles . As to his situation -- which was a precious one , was n't it ? -- do you suppose I am not going to write home , and take care that he gets some money ? Polly ? ' We thought this intention very noble in Steerforth , whose mother was a widow , and rich , and would do almost anything , it was said , that he asked her . We were all extremely glad to see Traddles so put down , and exalted Steerforth to the skies : especially when he told us , as he condescended to do , that what he had done had been done expressly for us , and for our cause ; and that he had conferred a great boon upon us by unselfishly doing it . But I must say that when I was going on with a story in the dark that night , Mr. Mell 's old flute seemed more than once to sound mournfully in my ears ; and that when at last Steerforth was tired , and I lay down in my bed , I fancied it playing so sorrowfully somewhere , that I was quite wretched . I soon forgot him in the contemplation of Steerforth , who , in an easy amateur way , and without any book ( he seemed to me to know everything by heart ) , took some of his classes until a new master was found . The new master came from a grammar school ; and before he entered on his duties , dined in the parlour one day , to be introduced to Steerforth . Steerforth approved of him highly , and told us he was a Brick . Without exactly understanding what learned distinction was meant by this , I respected him greatly for it , and had no doubt whatever of his superior knowledge : though he never took the pains with me -- not that I was anybody -- that Mr. Mell had taken . There was only one other event in this half-year , out of the daily school-life , that made an impression upon me which still survives . It survives for many reasons . One afternoon , when we were all harassed into a state of dire confusion , and Mr. Creakle was laying about him dreadfully , Tungay came in , and called out in his usual strong way : 'Visitors for Copperfield ! ' A few words were interchanged between him and Mr. Creakle , as , who the visitors were , and what room they were to be shown into ; and then I , who had , according to custom , stood up on the announcement being made , and felt quite faint with astonishment , was told to go by the back stairs and get a clean frill on , before I repaired to the dining-room . These orders I obeyed , in such a flutter and hurry of my young spirits as I had never known before ; and when I got to the parlour door , and the thought came into my head that it might be my mother -- I had only thought of Mr. or Miss Murdstone until then -- I drew back my hand from the lock , and stopped to have a sob before I went in . At first I saw nobody ; but feeling a pressure against the door , I looked round it , and there , to my amazement , were Mr. Peggotty and Ham , ducking at me with their hats , and squeezing one another against the wall . I could not help laughing ; but it was much more in the pleasure of seeing them , than at the appearance they made . We shook hands in a very cordial way ; and I laughed and laughed , until I pulled out my pocket-handkerchief and wiped my eyes . Mr. Peggotty ( who never shut his mouth once , I remember , during the visit ) showed great concern when he saw me do this , and nudged Ham to say something . 'Cheer up , Mas'r Davy bor ' ! ' said Ham , in his simpering way . 'Why , how you have growed ! ' 'Am I grown ? ' I said , drying my eyes . I was not crying at anything in particular that I know of ; but somehow it made me cry , to see old friends . 'Growed , Mas'r Davy bor ' ? Ai n't he growed ! ' said Ham . 'Ai n't he growed ! ' said Mr. Peggotty . They made me laugh again by laughing at each other , and then we all three laughed until I was in danger of crying again . 'Do you know how mama is , Mr . Peggotty ? ' I said . 'And how my dear , dear , old Peggotty is ? ' 'Oncommon , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'And little Em'ly , and Mrs . Gummidge ? ' 'On -- common , ' said Mr. Peggotty . There was a silence . Mr. Peggotty , to relieve it , took two prodigious lobsters , and an enormous crab , and a large canvas bag of shrimps , out of his pockets , and piled them up in Ham 's arms . 'You see , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'knowing as you was partial to a little relish with your wittles when you was along with us , we took the liberty . The old Mawther biled 'em , she did . Mrs. Gummidge biled 'em . Yes , ' said Mr. Peggotty , slowly , who I thought appeared to stick to the subject on account of having no other subject ready , 'Mrs . Gummidge , I do assure you , she biled 'em . ' I expressed my thanks ; and Mr. Peggotty , after looking at Ham , who stood smiling sheepishly over the shellfish , without making any attempt to help him , said : 'We come , you see , the wind and tide making in our favour , in one of our Yarmouth lugs to Gravesen ' . My sister she wrote to me the name of this here place , and wrote to me as if ever I chanced to come to Gravesen ' , I was to come over and inquire for Mas'r Davy and give her dooty , humbly wishing him well and reporting of the fam'ly as they was oncommon toe-be-sure . Little Em'ly , you see , she 'll write to my sister when I go back , as I see you and as you was similarly oncommon , and so we make it quite a merry-go-rounder . ' I was obliged to consider a little before I understood what Mr. Peggotty meant by this figure , expressive of a complete circle of intelligence . I then thanked him heartily ; and said , with a consciousness of reddening , that I supposed little Em'ly was altered too , since we used to pick up shells and pebbles on the beach ? 'She 's getting to be a woman , that 's wot she 's getting to be , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Ask HIM . ' He meant Ham , who beamed with delight and assent over the bag of shrimps . 'Her pretty face ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , with his own shining like a light . 'Her learning ! ' said Ham . 'Her writing ! ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Why it 's as black as jet ! And so large it is , you might see it anywheres . ' It was perfectly delightful to behold with what enthusiasm Mr. Peggotty became inspired when he thought of his little favourite . He stands before me again , his bluff hairy face irradiating with a joyful love and pride , for which I can find no description . His honest eyes fire up , and sparkle , as if their depths were stirred by something bright . His broad chest heaves with pleasure . His strong loose hands clench themselves , in his earnestness ; and he emphasizes what he says with a right arm that shows , in my pigmy view , like a sledge-hammer . Ham was quite as earnest as he . I dare say they would have said much more about her , if they had not been abashed by the unexpected coming in of Steerforth , who , seeing me in a corner speaking with two strangers , stopped in a song he was singing , and said : 'I did n't know you were here , young Copperfield ! ' ( for it was not the usual visiting room ) and crossed by us on his way out . I am not sure whether it was in the pride of having such a friend as Steerforth , or in the desire to explain to him how I came to have such a friend as Mr. Peggotty , that I called to him as he was going away . But I said , modestly -- Good Heaven , how it all comes back to me this long time afterwards -- ! 'Do n't go , Steerforth , if you please . These are two Yarmouth boatmen -- very kind , good people -- who are relations of my nurse , and have come from Gravesend to see me . ' 'Aye , aye ? ' said Steerforth , returning . 'I am glad to see them . How are you both ? ' There was an ease in his manner -- a gay and light manner it was , but not swaggering -- which I still believe to have borne a kind of enchantment with it . I still believe him , in virtue of this carriage , his animal spirits , his delightful voice , his handsome face and figure , and , for aught I know , of some inborn power of attraction besides ( which I think a few people possess ) , to have carried a spell with him to which it was a natural weakness to yield , and which not many persons could withstand . I could not but see how pleased they were with him , and how they seemed to open their hearts to him in a moment . 'You must let them know at home , if you please , Mr. Peggotty , ' I said , 'when that letter is sent , that Mr. Steerforth is very kind to me , and that I do n't know what I should ever do here without him . ' 'Nonsense ! ' said Steerforth , laughing . 'You must n't tell them anything of the sort . ' 'And if Mr. Steerforth ever comes into Norfolk or Suffolk , Mr. Peggotty , ' I said , 'while I am there , you may depend upon it I shall bring him to Yarmouth , if he will let me , to see your house . You never saw such a good house , Steerforth . It 's made out of a boat ! ' 'Made out of a boat , is it ? ' said Steerforth . 'It 's the right sort of a house for such a thorough-built boatman . ' 'So 't is , sir , so 't is , sir , ' said Ham , grinning . 'You 're right , young gen'l'm'n ! Mas'r Davy bor ' , gen'l'm'n 's right . A thorough-built boatman ! Hor , hor ! That 's what he is , too ! ' Mr. Peggotty was no less pleased than his nephew , though his modesty forbade him to claim a personal compliment so vociferously . 'Well , sir , ' he said , bowing and chuckling , and tucking in the ends of his neckerchief at his breast : 'I thankee , sir , I thankee ! I do my endeavours in my line of life , sir . ' 'The best of men can do no more , Mr. Peggotty , ' said Steerforth . He had got his name already . 'I 'll pound it , it 's wot you do yourself , sir , ' said Mr. Peggotty , shaking his head , 'and wot you do well -- right well ! I thankee , sir . I'm obleeged to you , sir , for your welcoming manner of me . I 'm rough , sir , but I 'm ready -- least ways , I hope I 'm ready , you unnerstand . My house ai n't much for to see , sir , but it 's hearty at your service if ever you should come along with Mas'r Davy to see it . I 'm a reg'lar Dodman , I am , ' said Mr. Peggotty , by which he meant snail , and this was in allusion to his being slow to go , for he had attempted to go after every sentence , and had somehow or other come back again ; 'but I wish you both well , and I wish you happy ! ' Ham echoed this sentiment , and we parted with them in the heartiest manner . I was almost tempted that evening to tell Steerforth about pretty little Em'ly , but I was too timid of mentioning her name , and too much afraid of his laughing at me . I remember that I thought a good deal , and in an uneasy sort of way , about Mr. Peggotty having said that she was getting on to be a woman ; but I decided that was nonsense . We transported the shellfish , or the 'relish ' as Mr. Peggotty had modestly called it , up into our room unobserved , and made a great supper that evening . But Traddles could n't get happily out of it . He was too unfortunate even to come through a supper like anybody else . He was taken ill in the night -- quite prostrate he was -- in consequence of Crab ; and after being drugged with black draughts and blue pills , to an extent which Demple ( whose father was a doctor ) said was enough to undermine a horse 's constitution , received a caning and six
chapters of Greek Testament for refusing to confess . The rest of the half-year is a jumble in my recollection of the daily strife and struggle of our lives ; of the waning summer and the changing season ; of the frosty mornings when we were rung out of bed , and the cold , cold smell of the dark nights when we were rung into bed again ; of the evening schoolroom dimly lighted and indifferently warmed , and the morning schoolroom which was nothing but a great shivering-machine ; of the alternation of boiled beef with roast beef , and boiled mutton with roast mutton ; of clods of bread-and-butter , dog's-eared lesson-books , cracked slates , tear-blotted copy-books , canings , rulerings , hair-cuttings , rainy Sundays , suet-puddings , and a dirty atmosphere of ink , surrounding all . I well remember though , how the distant idea of the holidays , after seeming for an immense time to be a stationary speck , began to come towards us , and to grow and grow . How from counting months , we came to weeks , and then to days ; and how I then began to be afraid that I should not be sent for and when I learnt from Steerforth that I had been sent for , and was certainly to go home , had dim forebodings that I might break my leg first . How the breaking-up day changed its place fast , at last , from the week after next to next week , this week , the day after tomorrow , tomorrow , today , tonight -- when I was inside the Yarmouth mail , and going home . I had many a broken sleep inside the Yarmouth mail , and many an incoherent dream of all these things . But when I awoke at intervals , the ground outside the window was not the playground of Salem House , and the sound in my ears was not the sound of Mr. Creakle giving it to Traddles , but the sound of the coachman touching up the horses . CHAPTER 8 . MY HOLIDAYS . ESPECIALLY ONE HAPPY AFTERNOON When we arrived before day at the inn where the mail stopped , which was not the inn where my friend the waiter lived , I was shown up to a nice little bedroom , with DOLPHIN painted on the door . Very cold I was , I know , notwithstanding the hot tea they had given me before a large fire downstairs ; and very glad I was to turn into the Dolphin 's bed , pull the Dolphin 's blankets round my head , and go to sleep . Mr. Barkis the carrier was to call for me in the morning at nine o'clock . I got up at eight , a little giddy from the shortness of my night 's rest , and was ready for him before the appointed time . He received me exactly as if not five minutes had elapsed since we were last together , and I had only been into the hotel to get change for sixpence , or something of that sort . As soon as I and my box were in the cart , and the carrier seated , the lazy horse walked away with us all at his accustomed pace . 'You look very well , Mr. Barkis , ' I said , thinking he would like to know it . Mr. Barkis rubbed his cheek with his cuff , and then looked at his cuff as if he expected to find some of the bloom upon it ; but made no other acknowledgement of the compliment . 'I gave your message , Mr. Barkis , ' I said : 'I wrote to Peggotty . ' 'Ah ! ' said Mr. Barkis . Mr. Barkis seemed gruff , and answered drily . 'Was n't it right , Mr . Barkis ? ' I asked , after a little hesitation . 'Why , no , ' said Mr. Barkis . 'Not the message ? ' 'The message was right enough , perhaps , ' said Mr. Barkis ; 'but it come to an end there . ' Not understanding what he meant , I repeated inquisitively : 'Came to an end , Mr . Barkis ? ' 'Nothing come of it , ' he explained , looking at me sideways . 'No answer . ' 'There was an answer expected , was there , Mr . Barkis ? ' said I , opening my eyes . For this was a new light to me . 'When a man says he 's willin ' , ' said Mr. Barkis , turning his glance slowly on me again , 'it 's as much as to say , that man 's a-waitin ' for a answer . ' 'Well , Mr . Barkis ? ' 'Well , ' said Mr. Barkis , carrying his eyes back to his horse 's ears ; 'that man 's been a-waitin ' for a answer ever since . ' 'Have you told her so , Mr . Barkis ? ' 'No -- no , ' growled Mr. Barkis , reflecting about it . 'I ai n't got no call to go and tell her so . I never said six words to her myself , I ain't a-goin ' to tell her so . ' 'Would you like me to do it , Mr . Barkis ? ' said I , doubtfully . 'You might tell her , if you would , ' said Mr. Barkis , with another slow look at me , 'that Barkis was a-waitin ' for a answer . Says you -- what name is it ? ' 'Her name ? ' 'Ah ! ' said Mr. Barkis , with a nod of his head . 'Peggotty . ' 'Chrisen name ? Or nat'ral name ? ' said Mr. Barkis . 'Oh , it 's not her Christian name . Her Christian name is Clara . ' 'Is it though ? ' said Mr. Barkis . He seemed to find an immense fund of reflection in this circumstance , and sat pondering and inwardly whistling for some time . 'Well ! ' he resumed at length . 'Says you , `` Peggotty ! Barkis is waitin' for a answer . '' Says she , perhaps , `` Answer to what ? '' Says you , `` To what I told you . '' `` What is that ? '' says she . `` Barkis is willin ' , '' says you . ' This extremely artful suggestion Mr. Barkis accompanied with a nudge of his elbow that gave me quite a stitch in my side . After that , he slouched over his horse in his usual manner ; and made no other reference to the subject except , half an hour afterwards , taking a piece of chalk from his pocket , and writing up , inside the tilt of the cart , 'Clara Peggotty ' -- apparently as a private memorandum . Ah , what a strange feeling it was to be going home when it was not home , and to find that every object I looked at , reminded me of the happy old home , which was like a dream I could never dream again ! The days when my mother and I and Peggotty were all in all to one another , and there was no one to come between us , rose up before me so sorrowfully on the road , that I am not sure I was glad to be there -- not sure but that I would rather have remained away , and forgotten it in Steerforth 's company . But there I was ; and soon I was at our house , where the bare old elm-trees wrung their many hands in the bleak wintry air , and shreds of the old rooks'-nests drifted away upon the wind . The carrier put my box down at the garden-gate , and left me . I walked along the path towards the house , glancing at the windows , and fearing at every step to see Mr. Murdstone or Miss Murdstone lowering out of one of them . No face appeared , however ; and being come to the house , and knowing how to open the door , before dark , without knocking , I went in with a quiet , timid step . God knows how infantine the memory may have been , that was awakened within me by the sound of my mother 's voice in the old parlour , when I set foot in the hall . She was singing in a low tone . I think I must have lain in her arms , and heard her singing so to me when I was but a baby . The strain was new to me , and yet it was so old that it filled my heart brim-full ; like a friend come back from a long absence . I believed , from the solitary and thoughtful way in which my mother murmured her song , that she was alone . And I went softly into the room . She was sitting by the fire , suckling an infant , whose tiny hand she held against her neck . Her eyes were looking down upon its face , and she sat singing to it . I was so far right , that she had no other companion . I spoke to her , and she started , and cried out . But seeing me , she called me her dear Davy , her own boy ! and coming half across the room to meet me , kneeled down upon the ground and kissed me , and laid my head down on her bosom near the little creature that was nestling there , and put its hand to my lips . I wish I had died . I wish I had died then , with that feeling in my heart ! I should have been more fit for Heaven than I ever have been since . 'He is your brother , ' said my mother , fondling me . 'Davy , my pretty boy ! My poor child ! ' Then she kissed me more and more , and clasped me round the neck . This she was doing when Peggotty came running in , and bounced down on the ground beside us , and went mad about us both for a quarter of an hour . It seemed that I had not been expected so soon , the carrier being much before his usual time . It seemed , too , that Mr. and Miss Murdstone had gone out upon a visit in the neighbourhood , and would not return before night . I had never hoped for this . I had never thought it possible that we three could be together undisturbed , once more ; and I felt , for the time , as if the old days were come back . We dined together by the fireside . Peggotty was in attendance to wait upon us , but my mother would n't let her do it , and made her dine with us . I had my own old plate , with a brown view of a man-of-war in full sail upon it , which Peggotty had hoarded somewhere all the time I had been away , and would not have had broken , she said , for a hundred pounds . I had my own old mug with David on it , and my own old little knife and fork that would n't cut . While we were at table , I thought it a favourable occasion to tell Peggotty about Mr. Barkis , who , before I had finished what I had to tell her , began to laugh , and throw her apron over her face . 'Peggotty , ' said my mother . 'What 's the matter ? ' Peggotty only laughed the more , and held her apron tight over her face when my mother tried to pull it away , and sat as if her head were in a bag . 'What are you doing , you stupid creature ? ' said my mother , laughing . 'Oh , drat the man ! ' cried Peggotty . 'He wants to marry me . ' 'It would be a very good match for you ; would n't it ? ' said my mother . 'Oh ! I do n't know , ' said Peggotty . 'Do n't ask me . I would n't have him if he was made of gold . Nor I would n't have anybody . ' 'Then , why do n't you tell him so , you ridiculous thing ? ' said my mother . 'Tell him so , ' retorted Peggotty , looking out of her apron . 'He has never said a word to me about it . He knows better . If he was to make so bold as say a word to me , I should slap his face . ' Her own was as red as ever I saw it , or any other face , I think ; but she only covered it again , for a few moments at a time , when she was taken with a violent fit of laughter ; and after two or three of those attacks , went on with her dinner . I remarked that my mother , though she smiled when Peggotty looked at her , became more serious and thoughtful . I had seen at first that she was changed . Her face was very pretty still , but it looked careworn , and too delicate ; and her hand was so thin and white that it seemed to me to be almost transparent . But the change to which I now refer was superadded to this : it was in her manner , which became anxious and fluttered . At last she said , putting out her hand , and laying it affectionately on the hand of her old servant , 'Peggotty , dear , you are not going to be married ? ' 'Me , ma'am ? ' returned Peggotty , staring . 'Lord bless you , no ! ' 'Not just yet ? ' said my mother , tenderly . 'Never ! ' cried Peggotty . My mother took her hand , and said : 'Do n't leave me , Peggotty . Stay with me . It will not be for long , perhaps . What should I ever do without you ! ' 'Me leave you , my precious ! ' cried Peggotty . 'Not for all the world and his wife . Why , what 's put that in your silly little head ? ' -- For Peggotty had been used of old to talk to my mother sometimes like a child . But my mother made no answer , except to thank her , and Peggotty went running on in her own fashion . 'Me leave you ? I think I see myself . Peggotty go away from you ? I should like to catch her at it ! No , no , no , ' said Peggotty , shaking her head , and folding her arms ; 'not she , my dear . It is n't that there ai n't some Cats that would be well enough pleased if she did , but they sha'n't be pleased . They shall be aggravated . I 'll stay with you till I am a cross cranky old woman . And when I 'm too deaf , and too lame , and too blind , and too mumbly for want of teeth , to be of any use at all , even to be found fault with , than I shall go to my Davy , and ask him to take me in . ' 'And , Peggotty , ' says I , 'I shall be glad to see you , and I 'll make you as welcome as a queen . ' 'Bless your dear heart ! ' cried Peggotty . 'I know you will ! ' And she kissed me beforehand , in grateful acknowledgement of my hospitality . After that , she covered her head up with her apron again and had another laugh about Mr. Barkis . After that , she took the baby out of its little cradle , and nursed it . After that , she cleared the dinner table ; after that , came in with another cap on , and her work-box , and the yard-measure , and the bit of wax-candle , all just the same as ever . We sat round the fire , and talked delightfully . I told them what a hard master Mr. Creakle was , and they pitied me very much . I told them what a fine fellow Steerforth was , and what a patron of mine , and Peggotty said she would walk a score of miles to see him . I took the little baby in my arms when it was awake , and nursed it lovingly . When it was asleep again , I crept close to my mother 's side according to my old custom , broken now a long time , and sat with my arms embracing her waist , and my little red cheek on her shoulder , and once more felt her beautiful hair drooping over me -- like an angel 's wing as I used to think , I recollect -- and was very happy indeed . While I sat thus , looking at the fire , and seeing pictures in the red-hot coals , I almost believed that I had never been away ; that Mr. and Miss Murdstone were such pictures , and would vanish when the fire got low ; and that there was nothing real in all that I remembered , save my mother , Peggotty , and I. Peggotty darned away at a stocking as long as she could see , and then sat with it drawn on her left hand like a glove , and her needle in her right , ready to take another stitch whenever there was a blaze . I can not conceive whose stockings they can have been that Peggotty was always darning , or where such an unfailing supply of stockings in want of darning can have come from . From my earliest infancy she seems to have been always employed in that class of needlework , and never by any chance in any other . 'I wonder , ' said Peggotty , who was sometimes seized with a fit of wondering on some most unexpected topic , 'what 's become of Davy's great-aunt ? ' 'Lor , Peggotty ! ' observed my mother , rousing herself from a reverie , 'what nonsense you talk ! ' 'Well , but I really do wonder , ma'am , ' said Peggotty . 'What can have put such a person in your head ? ' inquired my mother . 'Is there nobody else in the world to come there ? ' 'I do n't know how it is , ' said Peggotty , 'unless it 's on account of being stupid , but my head never can pick and choose its people . They come and they go , and they do n't come and they do n't go , just as they like . I wonder what 's become of her ? ' 'How absurd you are , Peggotty ! ' returned my mother . 'One would suppose you wanted a second visit from her . ' 'Lord forbid ! ' cried Peggotty . 'Well then , do n't talk about such uncomfortable things , there 's a good soul , ' said my mother . 'Miss Betsey is shut up in her cottage by the sea , no doubt , and will remain there . At all events , she is not likely ever to trouble us again . ' 'No ! ' mused Peggotty . 'No , that ai n't likely at all. -- -I wonder , if she was to die , whether she 'd leave Davy anything ? ' 'Good gracious me , Peggotty , ' returned my mother , 'what a nonsensical woman you are ! when you know that she took offence at the poor dear boy 's ever being born at all . ' 'I suppose she would n't be inclined to forgive him now , ' hinted Peggotty . 'Why should she be inclined to forgive him now ? ' said my mother , rather sharply . 'Now that he 's got a brother , I mean , ' said Peggotty . My mother immediately began to cry , and wondered how Peggotty dared to say such a thing . 'As if this poor little innocent in its cradle had ever done any harm to you or anybody else , you jealous thing ! ' said she . 'You had much better go and marry Mr. Barkis , the carrier . Why do n't you ? ' 'I should make Miss Murdstone happy , if I was to , ' said Peggotty . 'What a bad disposition you have , Peggotty ! ' returned my mother . 'You are as jealous of Miss Murdstone as it is possible for a ridiculous creature to be . You want to keep the keys yourself , and give out all the things , I suppose ? I should n't be surprised if you did . When you know that she only does it out of kindness and the best intentions ! You know she does , Peggotty -- you know it well . ' Peggotty muttered something to the effect of 'Bother the best intentions ! ' and something else to the effect that there was a little too much of the best intentions going on . 'I know what you mean , you cross thing , ' said my mother . 'I understand you , Peggotty , perfectly . You know I do , and I wonder you do n't colour up like fire . But one point at a time . Miss Murdstone is the point now , Peggotty , and you sha'n't escape from it . Have n't you heard her say , over and over again , that she thinks I am too thoughtless and too -- a -- a -- ' 'Pretty , ' suggested Peggotty . 'Well , ' returned my mother , half laughing , 'and if she is so silly as to say so , can I be blamed for it ? ' 'No one says you can , ' said Peggotty . 'No , I should hope not , indeed ! ' returned my mother . 'Have n't you heard her say , over and over again , that on this account she wished to spare me a great deal of trouble , which she thinks I am not suited for , and which I really do n't know myself that I AM suited for ; and is n't she up early and late , and going to and fro continually -- and does n't she do all sorts of things , and grope into all sorts of places , coal-holes and pantries and I do n't know where , that ca n't be very agreeable -- and do you mean to insinuate that there is not a sort of devotion in that ? ' 'I do n't insinuate at all , ' said Peggotty . 'You do , Peggotty , ' returned my mother . 'You never do anything else , except your work . You are always insinuating . You revel in it . And when you talk of Mr. Murdstone 's good intentions -- ' 'I never talked of 'em , ' said Peggotty . 'No , Peggotty , ' returned my mother , 'but you insinuated . That 's what I told you just now . That 's the worst of you . You WILL insinuate . I said , at the moment , that I understood you , and you see I did . When you talk of Mr. Murdstone 's good intentions , and pretend to slight them ( for I do n't believe you really do , in your heart , Peggotty ) , you must be as well convinced as I am how good they are , and how they actuate him in everything . If he seems to have been at all stern with a certain person , Peggotty -- you understand , and so I am sure does Davy , that I am not alluding to anybody present -- it is solely because he is satisfied that it is for a certain person 's benefit . He naturally loves a certain person , on my account ; and acts solely for a certain person 's good . He is better able to judge of it than I am ; for I very well know that I am a weak , light , girlish creature , and that he is a firm , grave , serious man . And he takes , ' said my mother , with the tears which were engendered in her affectionate nature , stealing down her face , 'he takes great pains with me ; and I ought to be very thankful to him , and very submissive to him even in my thoughts ; and when I am not , Peggotty , I worry and condemn myself , and feel doubtful of my own heart , and don't know what to do . ' Peggotty sat with her chin on the foot of the stocking , looking silently at the fire . 'There , Peggotty , ' said my mother , changing her tone , 'do n't let us fall out with one another , for I could n't bear it . You are my true friend , I know , if I have any in the world . When I call you a ridiculous creature , or a vexatious thing , or anything of that sort , Peggotty , I only mean that you are my true friend , and always have been , ever since the night when Mr. Copperfield first brought me home here , and you came out to the gate to meet me . ' Peggotty was not slow to respond , and ratify the treaty of friendship by giving me one of her best hugs . I think I had some glimpses of the real character of this conversation at the time ; but I am sure , now , that the good creature originated it , and took her part in it , merely that my mother might comfort herself with the little contradictory summary in which she had indulged . The design was efficacious ; for I remember that my mother seemed more at ease during the rest of the evening , and that Peggotty observed her less . When we had had our tea , and the ashes were thrown up , and the candles snuffed , I read Peggotty a
chapter out of the Crocodile Book , in remembrance of old times -- she took it out of her pocket : I do n't know whether she had kept it there ever since -- and then we talked about Salem House , which brought me round again to Steerforth , who was my great subject . We were very happy ; and that evening , as the last of its race , and destined evermore to close that volume of my life , will never pass out of my memory . It was almost ten o'clock before we heard the sound of wheels . We all got up then ; and my mother said hurriedly that , as it was so late , and Mr. and Miss Murdstone approved of early hours for young people , perhaps I had better go to bed . I kissed her , and went upstairs with my candle directly , before they came in . It appeared to my childish fancy , as I ascended to the bedroom where I had been imprisoned , that they brought a cold blast of air into the house which blew away the old familiar feeling like a feather . I felt uncomfortable about going down to breakfast in the morning , as I had never set eyes on Mr. Murdstone since the day when I committed my memorable offence . However , as it must be done , I went down , after two or three false starts half-way , and as many runs back on tiptoe to my own room , and presented myself in the parlour . He was standing before the fire with his back to it , while Miss Murdstone made the tea . He looked at me steadily as I entered , but made no sign of recognition whatever . I went up to him , after a moment of confusion , and said : 'I beg your pardon , sir . I am very sorry for what I did , and I hope you will forgive me . ' 'I am glad to hear you are sorry , David , ' he replied . The hand he gave me was the hand I had bitten . I could not restrain my eye from resting for an instant on a red spot upon it ; but it was not so red as I turned , when I met that sinister expression in his face . 'How do you do , ma'am ? ' I said to Miss Murdstone . 'Ah , dear me ! ' sighed Miss Murdstone , giving me the tea-caddy scoop instead of her fingers . 'How long are the holidays ? ' 'A month , ma'am . ' 'Counting from when ? ' 'From today , ma'am . ' 'Oh ! ' said Miss Murdstone . 'Then here 's one day off . ' She kept a calendar of the holidays in this way , and every morning checked a day off in exactly the same manner . She did it gloomily until she came to ten , but when she got into two figures she became more hopeful , and , as the time advanced , even jocular . It was on this very first day that I had the misfortune to throw her , though she was not subject to such weakness in general , into a state of violent consternation . I came into the room where she and my mother were sitting ; and the baby ( who was only a few weeks old ) being on my mother 's lap , I took it very carefully in my arms . Suddenly Miss Murdstone gave such a scream that I all but dropped it . 'My dear Jane ! ' cried my mother . 'Good heavens , Clara , do you see ? ' exclaimed Miss Murdstone . 'See what , my dear Jane ? ' said my mother ; 'where ? ' 'He 's got it ! ' cried Miss Murdstone . 'The boy has got the baby ! ' She was limp with horror ; but stiffened herself to make a dart at me , and take it out of my arms . Then , she turned faint ; and was so very ill that they were obliged to give her cherry brandy . I was solemnly interdicted by her , on her recovery , from touching my brother any more on any pretence whatever ; and my poor mother , who , I could see , wished otherwise , meekly confirmed the interdict , by saying : 'No doubt you are right , my dear Jane . ' On another occasion , when we three were together , this same dear baby -- it was truly dear to me , for our mother 's sake -- was the innocent occasion of Miss Murdstone 's going into a passion . My mother , who had been looking at its eyes as it lay upon her lap , said : 'Davy ! come here ! ' and looked at mine . I saw Miss Murdstone lay her beads down . 'I declare , ' said my mother , gently , 'they are exactly alike . I suppose they are mine . I think they are the colour of mine . But they are wonderfully alike . ' 'What are you talking about , Clara ? ' said Miss Murdstone . 'My dear Jane , ' faltered my mother , a little abashed by the harsh tone of this inquiry , 'I find that the baby 's eyes and Davy 's are exactly alike . ' 'Clara ! ' said Miss Murdstone , rising angrily , 'you are a positive fool sometimes . ' 'My dear Jane , ' remonstrated my mother . 'A positive fool , ' said Miss Murdstone . 'Who else could compare my brother 's baby with your boy ? They are not at all alike . They are exactly unlike . They are utterly dissimilar in all respects . I hope they will ever remain so . I will not sit here , and hear such comparisons made . ' With that she stalked out , and made the door bang after her . In short , I was not a favourite with Miss Murdstone . In short , I was not a favourite there with anybody , not even with myself ; for those who did like me could not show it , and those who did not , showed it so plainly that I had a sensitive consciousness of always appearing constrained , boorish , and dull . I felt that I made them as uncomfortable as they made me . If I came into the room where they were , and they were talking together and my mother seemed cheerful , an anxious cloud would steal over her face from the moment of my entrance . If Mr. Murdstone were in his best humour , I checked him . If Miss Murdstone were in her worst , I intensified it . I had perception enough to know that my mother was the victim always ; that she was afraid to speak to me or to be kind to me , lest she should give them some offence by her manner of doing so , and receive a lecture afterwards ; that she was not only ceaselessly afraid of her own offending , but of my offending , and uneasily watched their looks if I only moved . Therefore I resolved to keep myself as much out of their way as I could ; and many a wintry hour did I hear the church clock strike , when I was sitting in my cheerless bedroom , wrapped in my little great-coat , poring over a book . In the evening , sometimes , I went and sat with Peggotty in the kitchen . There I was comfortable , and not afraid of being myself . But neither of these resources was approved of in the parlour . The tormenting humour which was dominant there stopped them both . I was still held to be necessary to my poor mother 's training , and , as one of her trials , could not be suffered to absent myself . 'David , ' said Mr. Murdstone , one day after dinner when I was going to leave the room as usual ; 'I am sorry to observe that you are of a sullen disposition . ' 'As sulky as a bear ! ' said Miss Murdstone . I stood still , and hung my head . 'Now , David , ' said Mr. Murdstone , 'a sullen obdurate disposition is , of all tempers , the worst . ' 'And the boy 's is , of all such dispositions that ever I have seen , ' remarked his sister , 'the most confirmed and stubborn . I think , my dear Clara , even you must observe it ? ' 'I beg your pardon , my dear Jane , ' said my mother , 'but are you quite sure -- I am certain you 'll excuse me , my dear Jane -- that you understand Davy ? ' 'I should be somewhat ashamed of myself , Clara , ' returned Miss Murdstone , 'if I could not understand the boy , or any boy . I don't profess to be profound ; but I do lay claim to common sense . ' 'No doubt , my dear Jane , ' returned my mother , 'your understanding is very vigorous -- ' 'Oh dear , no ! Pray do n't say that , Clara , ' interposed Miss Murdstone , angrily . 'But I am sure it is , ' resumed my mother ; 'and everybody knows it is . I profit so much by it myself , in many ways -- at least I ought to -- that no one can be more convinced of it than myself ; and therefore I speak with great diffidence , my dear Jane , I assure you . ' 'We 'll say I do n't understand the boy , Clara , ' returned Miss Murdstone , arranging the little fetters on her wrists . 'We 'll agree , if you please , that I do n't understand him at all . He is much too deep for me . But perhaps my brother 's penetration may enable him to have some insight into his character . And I believe my brother was speaking on the subject when we -- not very decently -- interrupted him . ' 'I think , Clara , ' said Mr. Murdstone , in a low grave voice , 'that there may be better and more dispassionate judges of such a question than you . ' 'Edward , ' replied my mother , timidly , 'you are a far better judge of all questions than I pretend to be . Both you and Jane are . I only said -- ' 'You only said something weak and inconsiderate , ' he replied . 'Try not to do it again , my dear Clara , and keep a watch upon yourself . ' My mother 's lips moved , as if she answered 'Yes , my dear Edward , ' but she said nothing aloud . 'I was sorry , David , I remarked , ' said Mr. Murdstone , turning his head and his eyes stiffly towards me , 'to observe that you are of a sullen disposition . This is not a character that I can suffer to develop itself beneath my eyes without an effort at improvement . You must endeavour , sir , to change it . We must endeavour to change it for you . ' 'I beg your pardon , sir , ' I faltered . 'I have never meant to be sullen since I came back . ' 'Do n't take refuge in a lie , sir ! ' he returned so fiercely , that I saw my mother involuntarily put out her trembling hand as if to interpose between us . 'You have withdrawn yourself in your sullenness to your own room . You have kept your own room when you ought to have been here . You know now , once for all , that I require you to be here , and not there . Further , that I require you to bring obedience here . You know me , David . I will have it done . ' Miss Murdstone gave a hoarse chuckle . 'I will have a respectful , prompt , and ready bearing towards myself , ' he continued , 'and towards Jane Murdstone , and towards your mother . I will not have this room shunned as if it were infected , at the pleasure of a child . Sit down . ' He ordered me like a dog , and I obeyed like a dog . 'One thing more , ' he said . 'I observe that you have an attachment to low and common company . You are not to associate with servants . The kitchen will not improve you , in the many respects in which you need improvement . Of the woman who abets you , I say nothing -- since you , Clara , ' addressing my mother in a lower voice , 'from old associations and long-established fancies , have a weakness respecting her which is not yet overcome . ' 'A most unaccountable delusion it is ! ' cried Miss Murdstone . 'I only say , ' he resumed , addressing me , 'that I disapprove of your preferring such company as Mistress Peggotty , and that it is to be abandoned . Now , David , you understand me , and you know what will be the consequence if you fail to obey me to the letter . ' I knew well -- better perhaps than he thought , as far as my poor mother was concerned -- and I obeyed him to the letter . I retreated to my own room no more ; I took refuge with Peggotty no more ; but sat wearily in the parlour day after day , looking forward to night , and bedtime . What irksome constraint I underwent , sitting in the same attitude hours upon hours , afraid to move an arm or a leg lest Miss Murdstone should complain ( as she did on the least pretence ) of my restlessness , and afraid to move an eye lest she should light on some look of dislike or scrutiny that would find new cause for complaint in mine ! What intolerable dulness to sit listening to the ticking of the clock ; and watching Miss Murdstone 's little shiny steel beads as she strung them ; and wondering whether she would ever be married , and if so , to what sort of unhappy man ; and counting the divisions in the moulding of the chimney-piece ; and wandering away , with my eyes , to the ceiling , among the curls and corkscrews in the paper on the wall ! What walks I took alone , down muddy lanes , in the bad winter weather , carrying that parlour , and Mr. and Miss Murdstone in it , everywhere : a monstrous load that I was obliged to bear , a daymare that there was no possibility of breaking in , a weight that brooded on my wits , and blunted them ! What meals I had in silence and embarrassment , always feeling that there were a knife and fork too many , and that mine ; an appetite too many , and that mine ; a plate and chair too many , and those mine ; a somebody too many , and that I ! What evenings , when the candles came , and I was expected to employ myself , but , not daring to read an entertaining book , pored over some hard-headed , harder-hearted treatise on arithmetic ; when the tables of weights and measures set themselves to tunes , as 'Rule Britannia ' , or 'Away with Melancholy ' ; when they would n't stand still to be learnt , but would go threading my grandmother 's needle through my unfortunate head , in at one ear and out at the other ! What yawns and dozes I lapsed into , in spite of all my care ; what starts I came out of concealed sleeps with ; what answers I never got , to little observations that I rarely made ; what a blank space I seemed , which everybody overlooked , and yet was in everybody 's way ; what a heavy relief it was to hear Miss Murdstone hail the first stroke of nine at night , and order me to bed ! Thus the holidays lagged away , until the morning came when Miss Murdstone said : 'Here 's the last day off ! ' and gave me the closing cup of tea of the vacation . I was not sorry to go . I had lapsed into a stupid state ; but I was recovering a little and looking forward to Steerforth , albeit Mr. Creakle loomed behind him . Again Mr. Barkis appeared at the gate , and again Miss Murdstone in her warning voice , said : 'Clara ! ' when my mother bent over me , to bid me farewell . I kissed her , and my baby brother , and was very sorry then ; but not sorry to go away , for the gulf between us was there , and the parting was there , every day . And it is not so much the embrace she gave me , that lives in my mind , though it was as fervent as could be , as what followed the embrace . I was in the carrier 's cart when I heard her calling to me . I looked out , and she stood at the garden-gate alone , holding her baby up in her arms for me to see . It was cold still weather ; and not a hair of her head , nor a fold of her dress , was stirred , as she looked intently at me , holding up her child . So I lost her . So I saw her afterwards , in my sleep at school -- a silent presence near my bed -- looking at me with the same intent face -- holding up her baby in her arms . CHAPTER 9 . I HAVE A MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY I PASS over all that happened at school , until the anniversary of my birthday came round in March . Except that Steerforth was more to be admired than ever , I remember nothing . He was going away at the end of the half-year , if not sooner , and was more spirited and independent than before in my eyes , and therefore more engaging than before ; but beyond this I remember nothing . The great remembrance by which that time is marked in my mind , seems to have swallowed up all lesser recollections , and to exist alone . It is even difficult for me to believe that there was a gap of full two months between my return to Salem House and the arrival of that birthday . I can only understand that the fact was so , because I know it must have been so ; otherwise I should feel convinced that there was no interval , and that the one occasion trod upon the other 's heels . How well I recollect the kind of day it was ! I smell the fog that hung about the place ; I see the hoar frost , ghostly , through it ; I feel my rimy hair fall clammy on my cheek ; I look along the dim perspective of the schoolroom , with a sputtering candle here and there to light up the foggy morning , and the breath of the boys wreathing and smoking in the raw cold as they blow upon their fingers , and tap their feet upon the floor . It was after breakfast , and we had been summoned in from the playground , when Mr. Sharp entered and said : 'David Copperfield is to go into the parlour . ' I expected a hamper from Peggotty , and brightened at the order . Some of the boys about me put in their claim not to be forgotten in the distribution of the good things , as I got out of my seat with great alacrity . 'Do n't hurry , David , ' said Mr. Sharp . 'There 's time enough , my boy , do n't hurry . ' I might have been surprised by the feeling tone in which he spoke , if I had given it a thought ; but I gave it none until afterwards . I hurried away to the parlour ; and there I found Mr. Creakle , sitting at his breakfast with the cane and a newspaper before him , and Mrs. Creakle with an opened letter in her hand . But no hamper . 'David Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Creakle , leading me to a sofa , and sitting down beside me . 'I want to speak to you very particularly . I have something to tell you , my child . ' Mr. Creakle , at whom of course I looked , shook his head without looking at me , and stopped up a sigh with a very large piece of buttered toast . 'You are too young to know how the world changes every day , ' said Mrs. Creakle , 'and how the people in it pass away . But we all have to learn it , David ; some of us when we are young , some of us when we are old , some of us at all times of our lives . ' I looked at her earnestly . 'When you came away from home at the end of the vacation , ' said Mrs. Creakle , after a pause , 'were they all well ? ' After another pause , 'Was your mama well ? ' I trembled without distinctly knowing why , and still looked at her earnestly , making no attempt to answer . 'Because , ' said she , 'I grieve to tell you that I hear this morning your mama is very ill.' A mist rose between Mrs. Creakle and me , and her figure seemed to move in it for an instant . Then I felt the burning tears run down my face , and it was steady again . 'She is very dangerously ill , ' she added . I knew all now . 'She is dead . ' There was no need to tell me so . I had already broken out into a desolate cry , and felt an orphan in the wide world . She was very kind to me . She kept me there all day , and left me alone sometimes ; and I cried , and wore myself to sleep , and awoke and cried again . When I could cry no more , I began to think ; and then the oppression on my breast was heaviest , and my grief a dull pain that there was no ease for . And yet my thoughts were idle ; not intent on the calamity that weighed upon my heart , but idly loitering near it . I thought of our house shut up and hushed . I thought of the little baby , who , Mrs. Creakle said , had been pining away for some time , and who , they believed , would die too . I thought of my father 's grave in the churchyard , by our house , and of my mother lying there beneath the tree I knew so well . I stood upon a chair when I was left alone , and looked into the glass to see how red my eyes were , and how sorrowful my face . I considered , after some hours were gone , if my tears were really hard to flow now , as they seemed to be , what , in connexion with my loss , it would affect me most to think of when I drew near home -- for I was going home to the funeral . I am sensible of having felt that a dignity attached to me among the rest of the boys , and that I was important in my affliction . If ever child were stricken with sincere grief , I was . But I remember that this importance was a kind of satisfaction to me , when I walked in the playground that afternoon while the boys were in school . When I saw them glancing at me out of the windows , as they went up to their classes , I felt distinguished , and looked more melancholy , and walked slower . When school was over , and they came out and spoke to me , I felt it rather good in myself not to be proud to any of them , and to take exactly the same notice of them all , as before . I was to go home next night ; not by the mail , but by the heavy night-coach , which was called the Farmer , and was principally used by country-people travelling short intermediate distances upon the road . We had no story-telling that evening , and Traddles insisted on lending me his pillow . I do n't know what good he thought it would do me , for I had one of my own : but it was all he had to lend , poor fellow , except a sheet of letter-paper full of skeletons ; and that he gave me at parting , as a soother of my sorrows and a contribution to my peace of mind . I left Salem House upon the morrow afternoon . I little thought then that I left it , never to return . We travelled very slowly all night , and did not get into Yarmouth before nine or ten o'clock in the morning . I looked out for Mr. Barkis , but he was not there ; and instead of him a fat , short-winded , merry-looking , little old man in black , with rusty little bunches of ribbons at the knees of his breeches , black stockings , and a broad-brimmed hat , came puffing up to the coach window , and said : 'Master Copperfield ? ' 'Yes , sir . ' 'Will you come with me , young sir , if you please , ' he said , opening the door , 'and I shall have the pleasure of taking you home . ' I put my hand in his , wondering who he was , and we walked away to a shop in a narrow street , on which was written OMER , DRAPER , TAILOR , HABERDASHER , FUNERAL FURNISHER , & c. It was a close and stifling little shop ; full of all sorts of clothing , made and unmade , including one window full of beaver-hats and bonnets . We went into a little back-parlour behind the shop , where we found three young women at work on a quantity of black materials , which were heaped upon the table , and little bits and cuttings of which were littered all over the floor . There was a good fire in the room , and a breathless smell of warm black crape -- I did not know what the smell was then , but I know now . The three young women , who appeared to be very industrious and comfortable , raised their heads to look at me , and then went on with their work . Stitch , stitch , stitch . At the same time there came from a workshop across a little yard outside the window , a regular sound of hammering that kept a kind of tune : RAT -- tat-tat , RAT -- tat-tat , RAT -- tat-tat , without any variation . 'Well , ' said my conductor to one of the three young women . 'How do you get on , Minnie ? ' 'We shall be ready by the trying-on time , ' she replied gaily , without looking up . 'Do n't you be afraid , father . ' Mr. Omer took off his broad-brimmed hat , and sat down and panted . He was so fat that he was obliged to pant some time before he could say : 'That 's right . ' 'Father ! ' said Minnie , playfully . 'What a porpoise you do grow ! ' 'Well , I do n't know how it is , my dear , ' he replied , considering about it . 'I am rather so . ' 'You are such a comfortable man , you see , ' said Minnie . 'You take things so easy . ' 'No use taking 'em otherwise , my dear , ' said Mr. Omer . 'No , indeed , ' returned his daughter . 'We are all pretty gay here , thank Heaven ! Ai n't we , father ? ' 'I hope so , my dear , ' said Mr. Omer . 'As I have got my breath now , I think I 'll measure this young scholar . Would you walk into the shop , Master Copperfield ? ' I preceded Mr. Omer , in compliance with his request ; and after showing me a roll of cloth which he said was extra super , and too good mourning for anything short of parents , he took my various dimensions , and put them down in a book . While he was recording them he called my attention to his stock in trade , and to certain fashions which he said had 'just come up ' , and to certain other fashions which he said had 'just gone out ' . 'And by that sort of thing we very often lose a little mint of money , ' said Mr. Omer . 'But fashions are like human beings . They come in , nobody knows when , why , or how ; and they go out , nobody knows when , why , or how . Everything is like life , in my opinion , if you look at it in that point of view . ' I was too sorrowful to discuss the question , which would possibly have been beyond me under any circumstances ; and Mr. Omer took me back into the parlour , breathing with some difficulty on the way . He then called down a little break-neck range of steps behind a door : 'Bring up that tea and bread-and-butter ! ' which , after some time , during which I sat looking about me and thinking , and listening to the stitching in the room and the tune that was being hammered across the yard , appeared on a tray , and turned out to be for me . 'I have been acquainted with you , ' said Mr. Omer , after watching me for some minutes , during which I had not made much impression on the breakfast , for the black things destroyed my appetite , 'I have been acquainted with you a long time , my young friend . ' 'Have you , sir ? ' 'All your life , ' said Mr. Omer . 'I may say before it . I knew your father before you . He was five foot nine and a half , and he lays in five-and-twen-ty foot of ground . ' 'RAT -- tat-tat , RAT -- tat-tat , RAT -- tat-tat , ' across the yard . 'He lays in five and twen-ty foot of ground , if he lays in a fraction , ' said Mr. Omer , pleasantly . 'It was either his request or her direction , I forget which . ' 'Do you know how my little brother is , sir ? ' I inquired . Mr. Omer shook his head . 'RAT -- tat-tat , RAT -- tat-tat , RAT -- tat-tat . ' 'He is in his mother 's arms , ' said he . 'Oh , poor little fellow ! Is he dead ? ' 'Do n't mind it more than you can help , ' said Mr. Omer . 'Yes . The baby's dead . ' My wounds broke out afresh at this intelligence . I left the scarcely-tasted breakfast , and went and rested my head on another table , in a corner of the little room , which Minnie hastily cleared , lest I should spot the mourning that was lying there with my tears . She was a pretty , good-natured girl , and put my hair away from my eyes with a soft , kind touch ; but she was very cheerful at having nearly finished her work and being in good time , and was so different from me ! Presently the tune left off , and a good-looking young fellow came across the yard into the room . He had a hammer in his hand , and his mouth was full of little nails , which he was obliged to take out before he could speak . 'Well , Joram ! ' said Mr. Omer . 'How do you get on ? ' 'All right , ' said Joram . 'Done , sir . ' Minnie coloured a little , and the other two girls smiled at one another . 'What ! you were at it by candle-light last night , when I was at the club , then ? Were you ? ' said Mr. Omer , shutting up one eye . 'Yes , ' said Joram . 'As you said we could make a little trip of it , and go over together , if it was done , Minnie and me -- and you . ' 'Oh ! I thought you were going to leave me out altogether , ' said Mr. Omer , laughing till he coughed. ' -- As you was so good as to say that , ' resumed the young man , 'why I turned to with a will , you see . Will you give me your opinion of it ? ' 'I will , ' said Mr. Omer , rising . 'My dear ' ; and he stopped and turned to me : 'would you like to see your -- ' 'No , father , ' Minnie interposed . 'I thought it might be agreeable , my dear , ' said Mr. Omer . 'But perhaps you 're right . ' I ca n't say how I knew it was my dear , dear mother 's coffin that they went to look at . I had never heard one making ; I had never seen one that I know of. -- but it came into my mind what the noise was , while it was going on ; and when the young man entered , I am sure I knew what he had been doing . The work being now finished , the two girls , whose names I had not heard , brushed the shreds and threads from their dresses , and went into the shop to put that to rights , and wait for customers . Minnie stayed behind to fold up what they had made , and pack it in two baskets . This she did upon her knees , humming a lively little tune the while . Joram , who I had no doubt was her lover , came in and stole a kiss from her while she was busy ( he did n't appear to mind me , at all ) , and said her father was gone for the chaise , and he must make haste and get himself ready . Then he went out again ; and then she put her thimble and scissors in her pocket , and stuck a needle threaded with black thread neatly in the bosom of her gown , and put on her outer clothing smartly , at a little glass behind the door , in which I saw the reflection of her pleased face . All this I observed , sitting at the table in the corner with my head leaning on my hand , and my thoughts running on very different things . The chaise soon came round to the front of the shop , and the baskets being put in first , I was put in next , and those three followed . I remember it as a kind of half chaise-cart , half pianoforte-van , painted of a sombre colour , and drawn by a black horse with a long tail . There was plenty of room for us all . I do not think I have ever experienced so strange a feeling in my life ( I am wiser now , perhaps ) as that of being with them , remembering how they had been employed , and seeing them enjoy the ride . I was not angry with them ; I was more afraid of them , as if I were cast away among creatures with whom I had no community of nature . They were very cheerful . The old man sat in front to drive , and the two young people sat behind him , and whenever he spoke to them leaned forward , the one on one side of his chubby face and the other on the other , and made a great deal of him . They would have talked to me too , but I held back , and moped in my corner ; scared by their love-making and hilarity , though it was far from boisterous , and almost wondering that no judgement came upon them for their hardness of heart . So , when they stopped to bait the horse , and ate and drank and enjoyed themselves , I could touch nothing that they touched , but kept my fast unbroken . So , when we reached home , I dropped out of the chaise behind , as quickly as possible , that I might not be in their company before those solemn windows , looking blindly on me like closed eyes once bright . And oh , how little need I had had to think what would move me to tears when I came back -- seeing the window of my mother 's room , and next it that which , in the better time , was mine ! I was in Peggotty 's arms before I got to the door , and she took me into the house . Her grief burst out when she first saw me ; but she controlled it soon , and spoke in whispers , and walked softly , as if the dead could be disturbed . She had not been in bed , I found , for a long time . She sat up at night still , and watched . As long as her poor dear pretty was above the ground , she said , she would never desert her . Mr. Murdstone took no heed of me when I went into the parlour where he was , but sat by the fireside , weeping silently , and pondering in his elbow-chair . Miss Murdstone , who was busy at her writing-desk , which was covered with letters and papers , gave me her cold finger-nails , and asked me , in an iron whisper , if I had been measured for my mourning . I said : 'Yes . ' 'And your shirts , ' said Miss Murdstone ; 'have you brought 'em home ? ' 'Yes , ma'am . I have brought home all my clothes . ' This was all the consolation that her firmness administered to me . I do not doubt that she had a choice pleasure in exhibiting what she called her self-command , and her firmness , and her strength of mind , and her common sense , and the whole diabolical catalogue of her unamiable qualities , on such an occasion . She was particularly proud of her turn for business ; and she showed it now in reducing everything to pen and ink , and being moved by nothing . All the rest of that day , and from morning to night afterwards , she sat at that desk , scratching composedly with a hard pen , speaking in the same imperturbable whisper to everybody ; never relaxing a muscle of her face , or softening a tone of her voice , or appearing with an atom of her dress astray . Her brother took a book sometimes , but never read it that I saw . He would open it and look at it as if he were reading , but would remain for a whole hour without turning the leaf , and then put it down and walk to and fro in the room . I used to sit with folded hands watching him , and counting his footsteps , hour after hour . He very seldom spoke to her , and never to me . He seemed to be the only restless thing , except the clocks , in the whole motionless house . In these days before the funeral , I saw but little of Peggotty , except that , in passing up or down stairs , I always found her close to the room where my mother and her baby lay , and except that she came to me every night , and sat by my bed 's head while I went to sleep . A day or two before the burial -- I think it was a day or two before , but I am conscious of confusion in my mind about that heavy time , with nothing to mark its progress -- she took me into the room . I only recollect that underneath some white covering on the bed , with a beautiful cleanliness and freshness all around it , there seemed to me to lie embodied the solemn stillness that was in the house ; and that when she would have turned the cover gently back , I cried : 'Oh no ! oh no ! ' and held her hand . If the funeral had been yesterday , I could not recollect it better . The very air of the best parlour , when I went in at the door , the bright condition of the fire , the shining of the wine in the decanters , the patterns of the glasses and plates , the faint sweet smell of cake , the odour of Miss Murdstone 's dress , and our black clothes . Mr. Chillip is in the room , and comes to speak to me . 'And how is Master David ? ' he says , kindly . I can not tell him very well . I give him my hand , which he holds in his . 'Dear me ! ' says Mr. Chillip , meekly smiling , with something shining in his eye . 'Our little friends grow up around us . They grow out of our knowledge , ma'am ? ' This is to Miss Murdstone , who makes no reply . 'There is a great improvement here , ma'am ? ' says Mr. Chillip . Miss Murdstone merely answers with a frown and a formal bend : Mr. Chillip , discomfited , goes into a corner , keeping me with him , and opens his mouth no more . I remark this , because I remark everything that happens , not because I care about myself , or have done since I came home . And now the bell begins to sound , and Mr. Omer and another come to make us ready . As Peggotty was wont to tell me , long ago , the followers of my father to the same grave were made ready in the same room . There are Mr. Murdstone , our neighbour Mr. Grayper , Mr. Chillip , and I . When we go out to the door , the Bearers and their load are in the garden ; and they move before us down the path , and past the elms , and through the gate , and into the churchyard , where I have so often heard the birds sing on a summer morning . We stand around the grave . The day seems different to me from every other day , and the light not of the same colour -- of a sadder colour . Now there is a solemn hush , which we have brought from home with what is resting in the mould ; and while we stand bareheaded , I hear the voice of the clergyman , sounding remote in the open air , and yet distinct and plain , saying : 'I am the Resurrection and the Life , saith the Lord ! ' Then I hear sobs ; and , standing apart among the lookers-on , I see that good and faithful servant , whom of all the people upon earth I love the best , and unto whom my childish heart is certain that the Lord will one day say : 'Well done . ' There are many faces that I know , among the little crowd ; faces that I knew in church , when mine was always wondering there ; faces that first saw my mother , when she came to the village in her youthful bloom . I do not mind them -- I mind nothing but my grief -- and yet I see and know them all ; and even in the background , far away , see Minnie looking on , and her eye glancing on her sweetheart , who is near me . It is over , and the earth is filled in , and we turn to come away . Before us stands our house , so pretty and unchanged , so linked in my mind with the young idea of what is gone , that all my sorrow has been nothing to the sorrow it calls forth . But they take me on ; and Mr. Chillip talks to me ; and when we get home , puts some water to my lips ; and when I ask his leave to go up to my room , dismisses me with the gentleness of a woman . All this , I say , is yesterday 's event . Events of later date have floated from me to the shore where all forgotten things will reappear , but this stands like a high rock in the ocean . I knew that Peggotty would come to me in my room . The Sabbath stillness of the time ( the day was so like Sunday ! I have forgotten that ) was suited to us both . She sat down by my side upon my little bed ; and holding my hand , and sometimes putting it to her lips , and sometimes smoothing it with hers , as she might have comforted my little brother , told me , in her way , all that she had to tell concerning what had happened . 'She was never well , ' said Peggotty , 'for a long time . She was uncertain in her mind , and not happy . When her baby was born , I thought at first she would get better , but she was more delicate , and sunk a little every day . She used to like to sit alone before her baby came , and then she cried ; but afterwards she used to sing to it -- so soft , that I once thought , when I heard her , it was like a voice up in the air , that was rising away . 'I think she got to be more timid , and more frightened-like , of late ; and that a hard word was like a blow to her . But she was always the same to me . She never changed to her foolish Peggotty , did n't my sweet girl . ' Here Peggotty stopped , and softly beat upon my hand a little while . 'The last time that I saw her like her own old self , was the night when you came home , my dear . The day you went away , she said to me , `` I never shall see my pretty darling again . Something tells me so , that tells the truth , I know . '' 'She tried to hold up after that ; and many a time , when they told her she was thoughtless and light-hearted , made believe to be so ; but it was all a bygone then . She never told her husband what she had told me -- she was afraid of saying it to anybody else -- till one night , a little more than a week before it happened , when she said to him : `` My dear , I think I am dying . '' ' '' It 's off my mind now , Peggotty , '' she told me , when I laid her in her bed that night . `` He will believe it more and more , poor fellow , every day for a few days to come ; and then it will be past . I am very tired . If this is sleep , sit by me while I sleep : do n't leave me . God bless both my children ! God protect and keep my fatherless boy ! '' 'I never left her afterwards , ' said Peggotty . 'She often talked to them two downstairs -- for she loved them ; she could n't bear not to love anyone who was about her -- but when they went away from her bed-side , she always turned to me , as if there was rest where Peggotty was , and never fell asleep in any other way . 'On the last night , in the evening , she kissed me , and said : `` If my baby should die too , Peggotty , please let them lay him in my arms , and bury us together . '' ( It was done ; for the poor lamb lived but a day beyond her . ) `` Let my dearest boy go with us to our resting-place , '' she said , '' and tell him that his mother , when she lay here , blessed him not once , but a thousand times . '' ' Another silence followed this , and another gentle beating on my hand . 'It was pretty far in the night , ' said Peggotty , 'when she asked me for some drink ; and when she had taken it , gave me such a patient smile , the dear ! -- so beautiful ! 'Daybreak had come , and the sun was rising , when she said to me , how kind and considerate Mr. Copperfield had always been to her , and how he had borne with her , and told her , when she doubted herself , that a loving heart was better and stronger than wisdom , and that he was a happy man in hers . `` Peggotty , my dear , '' she said then , `` put me nearer to you , '' for she was very weak . `` Lay your good arm underneath my neck , '' she said , `` and turn me to you , for your face is going far off , and I want it to be near . '' I put it as she asked ; and oh Davy ! the time had come when my first parting words to you were true -- when she was glad to lay her poor head on her stupid cross old Peggotty 's arm -- and she died like a child that had gone to sleep ! ' Thus ended Peggotty 's narration . From the moment of my knowing of the death of my mother , the idea of her as she had been of late had vanished from me . I remembered her , from that instant , only as the young mother of my earliest impressions , who had been used to wind her bright curls round and round her finger , and to dance with me at twilight in the parlour . What Peggotty had told me now , was so far from bringing me back to the later period , that it rooted the earlier image in my mind . It may be curious , but it is true . In her death she winged her way back to her calm untroubled youth , and cancelled all the rest . The mother who lay in the grave , was the mother of my infancy ; the little creature in her arms , was myself , as I had once been , hushed for ever on her bosom . CHAPTER 10 . I BECOME NEGLECTED , AND AM PROVIDED FOR The first act of business Miss Murdstone performed when the day of the solemnity was over , and light was freely admitted into the house , was to give Peggotty a month 's warning . Much as Peggotty would have disliked such a service , I believe she would have retained it , for my sake , in preference to the best upon earth . She told me we must part , and told me why ; and we condoled with one another , in all sincerity . As to me or my future , not a word was said , or a step taken . Happy they would have been , I dare say , if they could have dismissed me at a month 's warning too . I mustered courage once , to ask Miss Murdstone when I was going back to school ; and she answered dryly , she believed I was not going back at all . I was told nothing more . I was very anxious to know what was going to be done with me , and so was Peggotty ; but neither she nor I could pick up any information on the subject . There was one change in my condition , which , while it relieved me of a great deal of present uneasiness , might have made me , if I had been capable of considering it closely , yet more uncomfortable about the future . It was this . The constraint that had been put upon me , was quite abandoned . I was so far from being required to keep my dull post in the parlour , that on several occasions , when I took my seat there , Miss Murdstone frowned to me to go away . I was so far from being warned off from Peggotty 's society , that , provided I was not in Mr. Murdstone 's , I was never sought out or inquired for . At first I was in daily dread of his taking my education in hand again , or of Miss Murdstone's devoting herself to it ; but I soon began to think that such fears were groundless , and that all I had to anticipate was neglect . I do not conceive that this discovery gave me much pain then . I was still giddy with the shock of my mother 's death , and in a kind of stunned state as to all tributary things . I can recollect , indeed , to have speculated , at odd times , on the possibility of my not being taught any more , or cared for any more ; and growing up to be a shabby , moody man , lounging an idle life away , about the village ; as well as on the feasibility of my getting rid of this picture by going away somewhere , like the hero in a story , to seek my fortune : but these were transient visions , daydreams I sat looking at sometimes , as if they were faintly painted or written on the wall of my room , and which , as they melted away , left the wall blank again . 'Peggotty , ' I said in a thoughtful whisper , one evening , when I was warming my hands at the kitchen fire , 'Mr . Murdstone likes me less than he used to . He never liked me much , Peggotty ; but he would rather not even see me now , if he can help it . ' 'Perhaps it 's his sorrow , ' said Peggotty , stroking my hair . 'I am sure , Peggotty , I am sorry too . If I believed it was his sorrow , I should not think of it at all . But it 's not that ; oh , no , it 's not that . ' 'How do you know it 's not that ? ' said Peggotty , after a silence . 'Oh , his sorrow is another and quite a different thing . He is sorry at this moment , sitting by the fireside with Miss Murdstone ; but if I was to go in , Peggotty , he would be something besides . ' 'What would he be ? ' said Peggotty . 'Angry , ' I answered , with an involuntary imitation of his dark frown . 'If he was only sorry , he would n't look at me as he does . I am only sorry , and it makes me feel kinder . ' Peggotty said nothing for a little while ; and I warmed my hands , as silent as she . 'Davy , ' she said at length . 'Yes , Peggotty ? ' 'I have tried , my dear , all ways I could think of -- all the ways there are , and all the ways there ai n't , in short -- to get a suitable service here , in Blunderstone ; but there 's no such a thing , my love . ' 'And what do you mean to do , Peggotty , ' says I , wistfully . 'Do you mean to go and seek your fortune ? ' 'I expect I shall be forced to go to Yarmouth , ' replied Peggotty , 'and live there . ' 'You might have gone farther off , ' I said , brightening a little , 'and been as bad as lost . I shall see you sometimes , my dear old Peggotty , there . You wo n't be quite at the other end of the world , will you ? ' 'Contrary ways , please God ! ' cried Peggotty , with great animation . 'As long as you are here , my pet , I shall come over every week of my life to see you . One day , every week of my life ! ' I felt a great weight taken off my mind by this promise : but even this was not all , for Peggotty went on to say : 'I 'm a-going , Davy , you see , to my brother 's , first , for another fortnight 's visit -- just till I have had time to look about me , and get to be something like myself again . Now , I have been thinking that perhaps , as they do n't want you here at present , you might be let to go along with me . ' If anything , short of being in a different relation to every one about me , Peggotty excepted , could have given me a sense of pleasure at that time , it would have been this project of all others . The idea of being again surrounded by those honest faces , shining welcome on me ; of renewing the peacefulness of the sweet Sunday morning , when the bells were ringing , the stones dropping in the water , and the shadowy ships breaking through the mist ; of roaming up and down with little Em'ly , telling her my troubles , and finding charms against them in the shells and pebbles on the beach ; made a calm in my heart . It was ruffled next moment , to be sure , by a doubt of Miss Murdstone 's giving her consent ; but even that was set at rest soon , for she came out to take an evening grope in the store-closet while we were yet in conversation , and Peggotty , with a boldness that amazed me , broached the topic on the spot . 'The boy will be idle there , ' said Miss Murdstone , looking into a pickle-jar , 'and idleness is the root of all evil . But , to be sure , he would be idle here -- or anywhere , in my opinion . ' Peggotty had an angry answer ready , I could see ; but she swallowed it for my sake , and remained silent . 'Humph ! ' said Miss Murdstone , still keeping her eye on the pickles ; 'it is of more importance than anything else -- it is of paramount importance -- that my brother should not be disturbed or made uncomfortable . I suppose I had better say yes . ' I thanked her , without making any demonstration of joy , lest it should induce her to withdraw her assent . Nor could I help thinking this a prudent course , since she looked at me out of the pickle-jar , with as great an access of sourness as if her black eyes had absorbed its contents . However , the permission was given , and was never retracted ; for when the month was out , Peggotty and I were ready to depart . Mr. Barkis came into the house for Peggotty 's boxes . I had never known him to pass the garden-gate before , but on this occasion he came into the house . And he gave me a look as he shouldered the largest box and went out , which I thought had meaning in it , if meaning could ever be said to find its way into Mr. Barkis 's visage . Peggotty was naturally in low spirits at leaving what had been her home so many years , and where the two strong attachments of her life -- for my mother and myself -- had been formed . She had been walking in the churchyard , too , very early ; and she got into the cart , and sat in it with her handkerchief at her eyes . So long as she remained in this condition , Mr. Barkis gave no sign of life whatever . He sat in his usual place and attitude like a great stuffed figure . But when she began to look about her , and to speak to me , he nodded his head and grinned several times . I have not the least notion at whom , or what he meant by it . 'It 's a beautiful day , Mr . Barkis ! ' I said , as an act of politeness . 'It ai n't bad , ' said Mr. Barkis , who generally qualified his speech , and rarely committed himself . 'Peggotty is quite comfortable now , Mr. Barkis , ' I remarked , for his satisfaction . 'Is she , though ? ' said Mr. Barkis . After reflecting about it , with a sagacious air , Mr. Barkis eyed her , and said : 'ARE you pretty comfortable ? ' Peggotty laughed , and answered in the affirmative . 'But really and truly , you know . Are you ? ' growled Mr. Barkis , sliding nearer to her on the seat , and nudging her with his elbow . 'Are you ? Really and truly pretty comfortable ? Are you ? Eh ? ' At each of these inquiries Mr. Barkis shuffled nearer to her , and gave her another nudge ; so that at last we were all crowded together in the left-hand corner of the cart , and I was so squeezed that I could hardly bear it . Peggotty calling his attention to my sufferings , Mr. Barkis gave me a little more room at once , and got away by degrees . But I could not help observing that he seemed to think he had hit upon a wonderful expedient for expressing himself in a neat , agreeable , and pointed manner , without the inconvenience of inventing conversation . He manifestly chuckled over it for some time . By and by he turned to Peggotty again , and repeating , 'Are you pretty comfortable though ? ' bore down upon us as before , until the breath was nearly edged out of my body . By and by he made another descent upon us with the same inquiry , and the same result . At length , I got up whenever I saw him coming , and standing on the foot-board , pretended to look at the prospect ; after which I did very well . He was so polite as to stop at a public-house , expressly on our account , and entertain us with broiled mutton and beer . Even when Peggotty was in the act of drinking , he was seized with one of those approaches , and almost choked her . But as we drew nearer to the end of our journey , he had more to do and less time for gallantry ; and when we got on Yarmouth pavement , we were all too much shaken and jolted , I apprehend , to have any leisure for anything else . Mr. Peggotty and Ham waited for us at the old place . They received me and Peggotty in an affectionate manner , and shook hands with Mr. Barkis , who , with his hat on the very back of his head , and a shame-faced leer upon his countenance , and pervading his very legs , presented but a vacant appearance , I thought . They each took one of Peggotty 's trunks , and we were going away , when Mr. Barkis solemnly made a sign to me with his forefinger to come under an archway . 'I say , ' growled Mr. Barkis , 'it was all right . ' I looked up into his face , and answered , with an attempt to be very profound : 'Oh ! ' 'It did n't come to a end there , ' said Mr. Barkis , nodding confidentially . 'It was all right . ' Again I answered , 'Oh ! ' 'You know who was willin ' , ' said my friend . 'It was Barkis , and Barkis only . ' I nodded assent . 'It 's all right , ' said Mr. Barkis , shaking hands ; 'I 'm a friend of your'n . You made it all right , first . It 's all right . ' In his attempts to be particularly lucid , Mr. Barkis was so extremely mysterious , that I might have stood looking in his face for an hour , and most assuredly should have got as much information out of it as out of the face of a clock that had stopped , but for Peggotty 's calling me away . As we were going along , she asked me what he had said ; and I told her he had said it was all right . 'Like his impudence , ' said Peggotty , 'but I do n't mind that ! Davy dear , what should you think if I was to think of being married ? ' 'Why -- I suppose you would like me as much then , Peggotty , as you do now ? ' I returned , after a little consideration . Greatly to the astonishment of the passengers in the street , as well as of her relations going on before , the good soul was obliged to stop and embrace me on the spot , with many protestations of her unalterable love . 'Tell me what should you say , darling ? ' she asked again , when this was over , and we were walking on . 'If you were thinking of being married -- to Mr. Barkis , Peggotty ? ' 'Yes , ' said Peggotty . 'I should think it would be a very good thing . For then you know , Peggotty , you would always have the horse and cart to bring you over to see me , and could come for nothing , and be sure of coming . ' 'The sense of the dear ! ' cried Peggotty . 'What I have been thinking of , this month back ! Yes , my precious ; and I think I should be more independent altogether , you see ; let alone my working with a better heart in my own house , than I could in anybody else 's now . I do n't know what I might be fit for , now , as a servant to a stranger . And I shall be always near my pretty 's resting-place , ' said Peggotty , musing , 'and be able to see it when I like ; and when I lie down to rest , I may be laid not far off from my darling girl ! ' We neither of us said anything for a little while . 'But I would n't so much as give it another thought , ' said Peggotty , cheerily 'if my Davy was anyways against it -- not if I had been asked in church thirty times three times over , and was wearing out the ring in my pocket . ' 'Look at me , Peggotty , ' I replied ; 'and see if I am not really glad , and do n't truly wish it ! ' As indeed I did , with all my heart . 'Well , my life , ' said Peggotty , giving me a squeeze , 'I have thought of it night and day , every way I can , and I hope the right way ; but I'll think of it again , and speak to my brother about it , and in the meantime we 'll keep it to ourselves , Davy , you and me . Barkis is a good plain creature , ' said Peggotty , 'and if I tried to do my duty by him , I think it would be my fault if I was n't -- if I was n't pretty comfortable , ' said Peggotty , laughing heartily . This quotation from Mr. Barkis was so appropriate , and tickled us both so much , that we laughed again and again , and were quite in a pleasant humour when we came within view of Mr. Peggotty 's cottage . It looked just the same , except that it may , perhaps , have shrunk a little in my eyes ; and Mrs. Gummidge was waiting at the door as if she had stood there ever since . All within was the same , down to the seaweed in the blue mug in my bedroom . I went into the out-house to look about me ; and the very same lobsters , crabs , and crawfish possessed by the same desire to pinch the world in general , appeared to be in the same state of conglomeration in the same old corner . But there was no little Em'ly to be seen , so I asked Mr. Peggotty where she was . 'She 's at school , sir , ' said Mr. Peggotty , wiping the heat consequent on the porterage of Peggotty 's box from his forehead ; 'she 'll be home , ' looking at the Dutch clock , 'in from twenty minutes to half-an-hour's time . We all on us feel the loss of her , bless ye ! ' Mrs. Gummidge moaned . 'Cheer up , Mawther ! ' cried Mr. Peggotty . 'I feel it more than anybody else , ' said Mrs. Gummidge ; 'I 'm a lone lorn creetur ' , and she used to be a'most the only thing that did n't go contrary with me . ' Mrs. Gummidge , whimpering and shaking her head , applied herself to blowing the fire . Mr. Peggotty , looking round upon us while she was so engaged , said in a low voice , which he shaded with his hand : 'The old 'un ! ' From this I rightly conjectured that no improvement had taken place since my last visit in the state of Mrs. Gummidge 's spirits . Now , the whole place was , or it should have been , quite as delightful a place as ever ; and yet it did not impress me in the same way . I felt rather disappointed with it . Perhaps it was because little Em'ly was not at home . I knew the way by which she would come , and presently found myself strolling along the path to meet her . A figure appeared in the distance before long , and I soon knew it to be Em'ly , who was a little creature still in stature , though she was grown . But when she drew nearer , and I saw her blue eyes looking bluer , and her dimpled face looking brighter , and her whole self prettier and gayer , a curious feeling came over me that made me pretend not to know her , and pass by as if I were looking at something a long way off . I have done such a thing since in later life , or I am mistaken . Little Em'ly did n't care a bit . She saw me well enough ; but instead of turning round and calling after me , ran away laughing . This obliged me to run after her , and she ran so fast that we were very near the cottage before I caught her . 'Oh , it 's you , is it ? ' said little Em'ly . 'Why , you knew who it was , Em'ly , ' said I . 'And did n't YOU know who it was ? ' said Em'ly . I was going to kiss her , but she covered her cherry lips with her hands , and said she was n't a baby now , and ran away , laughing more than ever , into the house . She seemed to delight in teasing me , which was a change in her I wondered at very much . The tea table was ready , and our little locker was put out in its old place , but instead of coming to sit by me , she went and bestowed her company upon that grumbling Mrs. Gummidge : and on Mr. Peggotty 's inquiring why , rumpled her hair all over her face to hide it , and could do nothing but laugh . 'A little puss , it is ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , patting her with his great hand . 'So sh ' is ! so sh ' is ! ' cried Ham . 'Mas'r Davy bor ' , so sh ' is ! ' and he sat and chuckled at her for some time , in a state of mingled admiration and delight , that made his face a burning red . Little Em'ly was spoiled by them all , in fact ; and by no one more than Mr. Peggotty himself , whom she could have coaxed into anything , by only going and laying her cheek against his rough whisker . That was my opinion , at least , when I saw her do it ; and I held Mr. Peggotty to be thoroughly in the right . But she was so affectionate and sweet-natured , and had such a pleasant manner of being both sly and shy at once , that she captivated me more than ever . She was tender-hearted , too ; for when , as we sat round the fire after tea , an allusion was made by Mr. Peggotty over his pipe to the loss I had sustained , the tears stood in her eyes , and she looked at me so kindly across the table , that I felt quite thankful to her . 'Ah ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , taking up her curls , and running them over his hand like water , 'here 's another orphan , you see , sir . And here , ' said Mr. Peggotty , giving Ham a backhanded knock in the chest , 'is another of 'em , though he do n't look much like it . ' 'If I had you for my guardian , Mr. Peggotty , ' said I , shaking my head , 'I do n't think I should FEEL much like it . ' 'Well said , Mas'r Davy bor ' ! ' cried Ham , in an ecstasy . 'Hoorah ! Well said ! Nor more you would n't ! Hor ! Hor ! ' -- Here he returned Mr. Peggotty's back-hander , and little Em'ly got up and kissed Mr. Peggotty . 'And how's your friend , sir ? ' said Mr. Peggotty to me . 'Steerforth ? ' said I . 'That 's the name ! ' cried Mr. Peggotty , turning to Ham . 'I knowed it was something in our way . ' 'You said it was Rudderford , ' observed Ham , laughing . 'Well ! ' retorted Mr. Peggotty . 'And ye steer with a rudder , do n't ye ? It ai n't fur off . How is he , sir ? ' 'He was very well indeed when I came away , Mr . Peggotty . ' 'There 's a friend ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , stretching out his pipe . 'There's a friend , if you talk of friends ! Why , Lord love my heart alive , if it ai n't a treat to look at him ! ' 'He is very handsome , is he not ? ' said I , my heart warming with this praise . 'Handsome ! ' cried Mr. Peggotty . 'He stands up to you like -- like a -- why I do n't know what he do n't stand up to you like . He 's so bold ! ' 'Yes ! That 's just his character , ' said I . 'He 's as brave as a lion , and you ca n't think how frank he is , Mr . Peggotty . ' 'And I do suppose , now , ' said Mr. Peggotty , looking at me through the smoke of his pipe , 'that in the way of book-larning he 'd take the wind out of a'most anything . ' 'Yes , ' said I , delighted ; 'he knows everything . He is astonishingly clever . ' 'There 's a friend ! ' murmured Mr. Peggotty , with a grave toss of his head . 'Nothing seems to cost him any trouble , ' said I . 'He knows a task if he only looks at it . He is the best cricketer you ever saw . He will give you almost as many men as you like at draughts , and beat you easily . ' Mr. Peggotty gave his head another toss , as much as to say : 'Of course he will . ' 'He is such a speaker , ' I pursued , 'that he can win anybody over ; and I do n't know what you 'd say if you were to hear him sing , Mr . Peggotty . ' Mr. Peggotty gave his head another toss , as much as to say : 'I have no doubt of it . ' 'Then , he 's such a generous , fine , noble fellow , ' said I , quite carried away by my favourite theme , 'that it 's hardly possible to give him as much praise as he deserves . I am sure I can never feel thankful enough for the generosity with which he has protected me , so much younger and lower in the school than himself . ' I was running on , very fast indeed , when my eyes rested on little Em'ly 's face , which was bent forward over the table , listening with the deepest attention , her breath held , her blue eyes sparkling like jewels , and the colour mantling in her cheeks . She looked so extraordinarily earnest and pretty , that I stopped in a sort of wonder ; and they all observed her at the same time , for as I stopped , they laughed and looked at her . 'Em'ly is like me , ' said Peggotty , 'and would like to see him . ' Em'ly was confused by our all observing her , and hung down her head , and her face was covered with blushes . Glancing up presently through her stray curls , and seeing that we were all looking at her still ( I am sure I , for one , could have looked at her for hours ) , she ran away , and kept away till it was nearly bedtime . I lay down in the old little bed in the stern of the boat , and the wind came moaning on across the flat as it had done before . But I could not help fancying , now , that it moaned of those who were gone ; and instead of thinking that the sea might rise in the night and float the boat away , I thought of the sea that had risen , since I last heard those sounds , and drowned my happy home . I recollect , as the wind and water began to sound fainter in my ears , putting a short clause into my prayers , petitioning that I might grow up to marry little Em'ly , and so dropping lovingly asleep . The days passed pretty much as they had passed before , except -- it was a great exception -- that little Em'ly and I seldom wandered on the beach now . She had tasks to learn , and needle-work to do ; and was absent during a great part of each day . But I felt that we should not have had those old wanderings , even if it had been otherwise . Wild and full of childish whims as Em'ly was , she was more of a little woman than I had supposed . She seemed to have got a great distance away from me , in little more than a year . She liked me , but she laughed at me , and tormented me ; and when I went to meet her , stole home another way , and was laughing at the door when I came back , disappointed . The best times were when she sat quietly at work in the doorway , and I sat on the wooden step at her feet , reading to her . It seems to me , at this hour , that I have never seen such sunlight as on those bright April afternoons ; that I have never seen such a sunny little figure as I used to see , sitting in the doorway of the old boat ; that I have never beheld such sky , such water , such glorified ships sailing away into golden air . On the very first evening after our arrival , Mr. Barkis appeared in an exceedingly vacant and awkward condition , and with a bundle of oranges tied up in a handkerchief . As he made no allusion of any kind to this property , he was supposed to have left it behind him by accident when he went away ; until Ham , running after him to restore it , came back with the information that it was intended for Peggotty . After that occasion he appeared every evening at exactly the same hour , and always with a little bundle , to which he never alluded , and which he regularly put behind the door and left there . These offerings of affection were of a most various and eccentric description . Among them I remember a double set of pigs ' trotters , a huge pin-cushion , half a bushel or so of apples , a pair of jet earrings , some Spanish onions , a box of dominoes , a canary bird and cage , and a leg of pickled pork . Mr. Barkis 's wooing , as I remember it , was altogether of a peculiar kind . He very seldom said anything ; but would sit by the fire in much the same attitude as he sat in his cart , and stare heavily at Peggotty , who was opposite . One night , being , as I suppose , inspired by love , he made a dart at the bit of wax-candle she kept for her thread , and put it in his waistcoat-pocket and carried it off . After that , his great delight was to produce it when it was wanted , sticking to the lining of his pocket , in a partially melted state , and pocket it again when it was done with . He seemed to enjoy himself very much , and not to feel at all called upon to talk . Even when he took Peggotty out for a walk on the flats , he had no uneasiness on that head , I believe ; contenting himself with now and then asking her if she was pretty comfortable ; and I remember that sometimes , after he was gone , Peggotty would throw her apron over her face , and laugh for half-an-hour . Indeed , we were all more or less amused , except that miserable Mrs. Gummidge , whose courtship would appear to have been of an exactly parallel nature , she was so continually reminded by these transactions of the old one . At length , when the term of my visit was nearly expired , it was given out that Peggotty and Mr. Barkis were going to make a day 's holiday together , and that little Em'ly and I were to accompany them . I had but a broken sleep the night before , in anticipation of the pleasure of a whole day with Em'ly . We were all astir betimes in the morning ; and while we were yet at breakfast , Mr. Barkis appeared in the distance , driving a chaise-cart towards the object of his affections . Peggotty was dressed as usual , in her neat and quiet mourning ; but Mr. Barkis bloomed in a new blue coat , of which the tailor had given him such good measure , that the cuffs would have rendered gloves unnecessary in the coldest weather , while the collar was so high that it pushed his hair up on end on the top of his head . His bright buttons , too , were of the largest size . Rendered complete by drab pantaloons and a buff waistcoat , I thought Mr. Barkis a phenomenon of respectability . When we were all in a bustle outside the door , I found that Mr. Peggotty was prepared with an old shoe , which was to be thrown after us for luck , and which he offered to Mrs. Gummidge for that purpose . 'No . It had better be done by somebody else , Dan'l , ' said Mrs. Gummidge . 'I 'm a lone lorn creetur ' myself , and everythink that reminds me of creetur 's that ai n't lone and lorn , goes contrary with me . ' 'Come , old gal ! ' cried Mr. Peggotty . 'Take and heave it . ' 'No , Dan'l , ' returned Mrs. Gummidge , whimpering and shaking her head . 'If I felt less , I could do more . You do n't feel like me , Dan'l ; thinks do n't go contrary with you , nor you with them ; you had better do it yourself . ' But here Peggotty , who had been going about from one to another in a hurried way , kissing everybody , called out from the cart , in which we all were by this time ( Em'ly and I on two little chairs , side by side ) , that Mrs. Gummidge must do it . So Mrs. Gummidge did it ; and , I am sorry to relate , cast a damp upon the festive character of our departure , by immediately bursting into tears , and sinking subdued into the arms of Ham , with the declaration that she knowed she was a burden , and had better be carried to the House at once . Which I really thought was a sensible idea , that Ham might have acted on . Away we went , however , on our holiday excursion ; and the first thing we did was to stop at a church , where Mr. Barkis tied the horse to some rails , and went in with Peggotty , leaving little Em'ly and me alone in the chaise . I took that occasion to put my arm round Em'ly 's waist , and propose that as I was going away so very soon now , we should determine to be very affectionate to one another , and very happy , all day . Little Em'ly consenting , and allowing me to kiss her , I became desperate ; informing her , I recollect , that I never could love another , and that I was prepared to shed the blood of anybody who should aspire to her affections . How merry little Em'ly made herself about it ! With what a demure assumption of being immensely older and wiser than I , the fairy little woman said I was 'a silly boy ' ; and then laughed so charmingly that I forgot the pain of being called by that disparaging name , in the pleasure of looking at her . Mr. Barkis and Peggotty were a good while in the church , but came out at last , and then we drove away into the country . As we were going along , Mr. Barkis turned to me , and said , with a wink , -- by the by , I should hardly have thought , before , that he could wink : 'What name was it as I wrote up in the cart ? ' 'Clara Peggotty , ' I answered . 'What name would it be as I should write up now , if there was a tilt here ? ' 'Clara Peggotty , again ? ' I suggested . 'Clara Peggotty BARKIS ! ' he returned , and burst into a roar of laughter that shook the chaise . In a word , they were married , and had gone into the church for no other purpose . Peggotty was resolved that it should be quietly done ; and the clerk had given her away , and there had been no witnesses of the ceremony . She was a little confused when Mr. Barkis made this abrupt announcement of their union , and could not hug me enough in token of her unimpaired affection ; but she soon became herself again , and said she was very glad it was over . We drove to a little inn in a by-road , where we were expected , and where we had a very comfortable dinner , and passed the day with great satisfaction . If Peggotty had been married every day for the last ten years , she could hardly have been more at her ease about it ; it made no sort of difference in her : she was just the same as ever , and went out for a stroll with little Em'ly and me before tea , while Mr. Barkis philosophically smoked his pipe , and enjoyed himself , I suppose , with the contemplation of his happiness . If so , it sharpened his appetite ; for I distinctly call to mind that , although he had eaten a good deal of pork and greens at dinner , and had finished off with a fowl or two , he was obliged to have cold boiled bacon for tea , and disposed of a large quantity without any emotion . I have often thought , since , what an odd , innocent , out-of-the-way kind of wedding it must have been ! We got into the chaise again soon after dark , and drove cosily back , looking up at the stars , and talking about them . I was their chief exponent , and opened Mr. Barkis 's mind to an amazing extent . I told him all I knew , but he would have believed anything I might have taken it into my head to impart to him ; for he had a profound veneration for my abilities , and informed his wife in my hearing , on that very occasion , that I was 'a young Roeshus ' -- by which I think he meant prodigy . When we had exhausted the subject of the stars , or rather when I had exhausted the mental faculties of Mr. Barkis , little Em'ly and I made a cloak of an old wrapper , and sat under it for the rest of the journey . Ah , how I loved her ! What happiness ( I thought ) if we were married , and were going away anywhere to live among the trees and in the fields , never growing older , never growing wiser , children ever , rambling hand in hand through sunshine and among flowery meadows , laying down our heads on moss at night , in a sweet sleep of purity and peace , and buried by the birds when we were dead ! Some such picture , with no real world in it , bright with the light of our innocence , and vague as the stars afar off , was in my mind all the way . I am glad to think there were two such guileless hearts at Peggotty 's marriage as little Em'ly 's and mine . I am glad to think the Loves and Graces took such airy forms in its homely procession . Well , we came to the old boat again in good time at night ; and there Mr. and Mrs. Barkis bade us good-bye , and drove away snugly to their own home . I felt then , for the first time , that I had lost Peggotty . I should have gone to bed with a sore heart indeed under any other roof but that which sheltered little Em'ly 's head . Mr. Peggotty and Ham knew what was in my thoughts as well as I did , and were ready with some supper and their hospitable faces to drive it away . Little Em'ly came and sat beside me on the locker for the only time in all that visit ; and it was altogether a wonderful close to a wonderful day . It was a night tide ; and soon after we went to bed , Mr. Peggotty and Ham went out to fish . I felt very brave at being left alone in the solitary house , the protector of Em'ly and Mrs. Gummidge , and only wished that a lion or a serpent , or any ill-disposed monster , would make an attack upon us , that I might destroy him , and cover myself with glory . But as nothing of the sort happened to be walking about on Yarmouth flats that night , I provided the best substitute I could by dreaming of dragons until morning . With morning came Peggotty ; who called to me , as usual , under my window as if Mr. Barkis the carrier had been from first to last a dream too . After breakfast she took me to her own home , and a beautiful little home it was . Of all the moveables in it , I must have been impressed by a certain old bureau of some dark wood in the parlour ( the tile-floored kitchen was the general sitting-room ) , with a retreating top which opened , let down , and became a desk , within which was a large quarto edition of Foxe 's Book of Martyrs . This precious volume , of which I do not recollect one word , I immediately discovered and immediately applied myself to ; and I never visited the house afterwards , but I kneeled on a chair , opened the casket where this gem was enshrined , spread my arms over the desk , and fell to devouring the book afresh . I was chiefly edified , I am afraid , by the pictures , which were numerous , and represented all kinds of dismal horrors ; but the Martyrs and Peggotty's house have been inseparable in my mind ever since , and are now . I took leave of Mr. Peggotty , and Ham , and Mrs. Gummidge , and little Em'ly , that day ; and passed the night at Peggotty 's , in a little room in the roof ( with the Crocodile Book on a shelf by the bed 's head ) which was to be always mine , Peggotty said , and should always be kept for me in exactly the same state . 'Young or old , Davy dear , as long as I am alive and have this house over my head , ' said Peggotty , 'you shall find it as if I expected you here directly minute . I shall keep it every day , as I used to keep your old little room , my darling ; and if you was to go to China , you might think of it as being kept just the same , all the time you were away . ' I felt the truth and constancy of my dear old nurse , with all my heart , and thanked her as well as I could . That was not very well , for she spoke to me thus , with her arms round my neck , in the morning , and I was going home in the morning , and I went home in the morning , with herself and Mr. Barkis in the cart . They left me at the gate , not easily or lightly ; and it was a strange sight to me to see the cart go on , taking Peggotty away , and leaving me under the old elm-trees looking at the house , in which there was no face to look on mine with love or liking any more . And now I fell into a state of neglect , which I can not look back upon without compassion . I fell at once into a solitary condition , -- apart from all friendly notice , apart from the society of all other boys of my own age , apart from all companionship but my own spiritless thoughts , -- which seems to cast its gloom upon this paper as I write . What would I have given , to have been sent to the hardest school that ever was kept ! -- to have been taught something , anyhow , anywhere ! No such hope dawned upon me . They disliked me ; and they sullenly , sternly , steadily , overlooked me . I think Mr. Murdstone 's means were straitened at about this time ; but it is little to the purpose . He could not bear me ; and in putting me from him he tried , as I believe , to put away the notion that I had any claim upon him -- and succeeded . I was not actively ill-used . I was not beaten , or starved ; but the wrong that was done to me had no intervals of relenting , and was done in a systematic , passionless manner . Day after day , week after week , month after month , I was coldly neglected . I wonder sometimes , when I think of it , what they would have done if I had been taken with an illness ; whether I should have lain down in my lonely room , and languished through it in my usual solitary way , or whether anybody would have helped me out . When Mr. and Miss Murdstone were at home , I took my meals with them ; in their absence , I ate and drank by myself . At all times I lounged about the house and neighbourhood quite disregarded , except that they were jealous of my making any friends : thinking , perhaps , that if I did , I might complain to someone . For this reason , though Mr. Chillip often asked me to go and see him ( he was a widower , having , some years before that , lost a little small light-haired wife , whom I can just remember connecting in my own thoughts with a pale tortoise-shell cat ) , it was but seldom that I enjoyed the happiness of passing an afternoon in his closet of a surgery ; reading some book that was new to me , with the smell of the whole Pharmacopoeia coming up my nose , or pounding something in a mortar under his mild directions . For the same reason , added no doubt to the old dislike of her , I was seldom allowed to visit Peggotty . Faithful to her promise , she either came to see me , or met me somewhere near , once every week , and never empty-handed ; but many and bitter were the disappointments I had , in being refused permission to pay a visit to her at her house . Some few times , however , at long intervals , I was allowed to go there ; and then I found out that Mr. Barkis was something of a miser , or as Peggotty dutifully expressed it , was 'a little near ' , and kept a heap of money in a box under his bed , which he pretended was only full of coats and trousers . In this coffer , his riches hid themselves with such a tenacious modesty , that the smallest instalments could only be tempted out by artifice ; so that Peggotty had to prepare a long and elaborate scheme , a very Gunpowder Plot , for every Saturday 's expenses . All this time I was so conscious of the waste of any promise I had given , and of my being utterly neglected , that I should have been perfectly miserable , I have no doubt , but for the old books . They were my only comfort ; and I was as true to them as they were to me , and read them over and over I do n't know how many times more . I now approach a period of my life , which I can never lose the remembrance of , while I remember anything : and the recollection of which has often , without my invocation , come before me like a ghost , and haunted happier times . I had been out , one day , loitering somewhere , in the listless , meditative manner that my way of life engendered , when , turning the corner of a lane near our house , I came upon Mr. Murdstone walking with a gentleman . I was confused , and was going by them , when the gentleman cried : 'What ! Brooks ! ' 'No , sir , David Copperfield , ' I said . 'Do n't tell me . You are Brooks , ' said the gentleman . 'You are Brooks of Sheffield . That 's your name . ' At these words , I observed the gentleman more attentively . His laugh coming to my remembrance too , I knew him to be Mr. Quinion , whom I had gone over to Lowestoft with Mr. Murdstone to see , before -- it is no matter -- I need not recall when . 'And how do you get on , and where are you being educated , Brooks ? ' said Mr. Quinion . He had put his hand upon my shoulder , and turned me about , to walk with them . I did not know what to reply , and glanced dubiously at Mr. Murdstone . 'He is at home at present , ' said the latter . 'He is not being educated anywhere . I do n't know what to do with him . He is a difficult subject . ' That old , double look was on me for a moment ; and then his eyes darkened with a frown , as it turned , in its aversion , elsewhere . 'Humph ! ' said Mr. Quinion , looking at us both , I thought . 'Fine weather ! ' Silence ensued , and I was considering how I could best disengage my shoulder from his hand , and go away , when he said : 'I suppose you are a pretty sharp fellow still ? Eh , Brooks ? ' 'Aye ! He is sharp enough , ' said Mr. Murdstone , impatiently . 'You had better let him go . He will not thank you for troubling him . ' On this hint , Mr. Quinion released me , and I made the best of my way home . Looking back as I turned into the front garden , I saw Mr. Murdstone leaning against the wicket of the churchyard , and Mr. Quinion talking to him . They were both looking after me , and I felt that they were speaking of me . Mr. Quinion lay at our house that night . After breakfast , the next morning , I had put my chair away , and was going out of the room , when Mr. Murdstone called me back . He then gravely repaired to another table , where his sister sat herself at her desk . Mr. Quinion , with his hands in his pockets , stood looking out of window ; and I stood looking at them all . 'David , ' said Mr. Murdstone , 'to the young this is a world for action ; not for moping and droning in . ' -- 'As you do , ' added his sister . 'Jane Murdstone , leave it to me , if you please . I say , David , to the young this is a world for action , and not for moping and droning in . It is especially so for a young boy of your disposition , which requires a great deal of correcting ; and to which no greater service can be done than to force it to conform to the ways of the working world , and to bend it and break it . ' 'For stubbornness wo n't do here , ' said his sister 'What it wants is , to be crushed . And crushed it must be . Shall be , too ! ' He gave her a look , half in remonstrance , half in approval , and went on : 'I suppose you know , David , that I am not rich . At any rate , you know it now . You have received some considerable education already . Education is costly ; and even if it were not , and I could afford it , I am of opinion that it would not be at all advantageous to you to be kept at school . What is before you , is a fight with the world ; and the sooner you begin it , the better . ' I think it occurred to me that I had already begun it , in my poor way : but it occurs to me now , whether or no . 'You have heard the `` counting-house '' mentioned sometimes , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'The counting-house , sir ? ' I repeated . 'Of Murdstone and Grinby , in the wine trade , ' he replied . I suppose I looked uncertain , for he went on hastily : 'You have heard the `` counting-house '' mentioned , or the business , or the cellars , or the wharf , or something about it . ' 'I think I have heard the business mentioned , sir , ' I said , remembering what I vaguely knew of his and his sister 's resources . 'But I do n't know when . ' 'It does not matter when , ' he returned . 'Mr . Quinion manages that business . ' I glanced at the latter deferentially as he stood looking out of window . 'Mr . Quinion suggests that it gives employment to some other boys , and that he sees no reason why it should n't , on the same terms , give employment to you . ' 'He having , ' Mr. Quinion observed in a low voice , and half turning round , 'no other prospect , Murdstone . ' Mr. Murdstone , with an impatient , even an angry gesture , resumed , without noticing what he had said : 'Those terms are , that you will earn enough for yourself to provide for your eating and drinking , and pocket-money . Your lodging ( which I have arranged for ) will be paid by me . So will your washing -- ' ' -- Which will be kept down to my estimate , ' said his sister . 'Your clothes will be looked after for you , too , ' said Mr. Murdstone ; 'as you will not be able , yet awhile , to get them for yourself . So you are now going to London , David , with Mr. Quinion , to begin the world on your own account . ' 'In short , you are provided for , ' observed his sister ; 'and will please to do your duty . ' Though I quite understood that the purpose of this announcement was to get rid of me , I have no distinct remembrance whether it pleased or frightened me . My impression is , that I was in a state of confusion about it , and , oscillating between the two points , touched neither . Nor had I much time for the clearing of my thoughts , as Mr. Quinion was to go upon the morrow . Behold me , on the morrow , in a much-worn little white hat , with a black crape round it for my mother , a black jacket , and a pair of hard , stiff corduroy trousers -- which Miss Murdstone considered the best armour for the legs in that fight with the world which was now to come off . Behold me so attired , and with my little worldly all before me in a small trunk , sitting , a lone lorn child ( as Mrs. Gummidge might have said ) , in the post-chaise that was carrying Mr. Quinion to the London coach at Yarmouth ! See , how our house and church are lessening in the distance ; how the grave beneath the tree is blotted out by intervening objects ; how the spire points upwards from my old playground no more , and the sky is empty ! CHAPTER 11 . I BEGIN LIFE ON MY OWN ACCOUNT , AND DO N'T LIKE IT I know enough of the world now , to have almost lost the capacity of being much surprised by anything ; but it is matter of some surprise to me , even now , that I can have been so easily thrown away at such an age . A child of excellent abilities , and with strong powers of observation , quick , eager , delicate , and soon hurt bodily or mentally , it seems wonderful to me that nobody should have made any sign in my behalf . But none was made ; and I became , at ten years old , a little labouring hind in the service of Murdstone and Grinby . Murdstone and Grinby 's warehouse was at the waterside . It was down in Blackfriars . Modern improvements have altered the place ; but it was the last house at the bottom of a narrow street , curving down hill to the river , with some stairs at the end , where people took boat . It was a crazy old house with a wharf of its own , abutting on the water when the tide was in , and on the mud when the tide was out , and literally overrun with rats . Its panelled rooms , discoloured with the dirt and smoke of a hundred years , I dare say ; its decaying floors and staircase ; the squeaking and scuffling of the old grey rats down in the cellars ; and the dirt and rottenness of the place ; are things , not of many years ago , in my mind , but of the present instant . They are all before me , just as they were in the evil hour when I went among them for the first time , with my trembling hand in Mr. Quinion 's . Murdstone and Grinby 's trade was among a good many kinds of people , but an important branch of it was the supply of wines and spirits to certain packet ships . I forget now where they chiefly went , but I think there were some among them that made voyages both to the East and West Indies . I know that a great many empty bottles were one of the consequences of this traffic , and that certain men and boys were employed to examine them against the light , and reject those that were flawed , and to rinse and wash them . When the empty bottles ran short , there were labels to be pasted on full ones , or corks to be fitted to them , or seals to be put upon the corks , or finished bottles to be packed in casks . All this work was my work , and of the boys employed upon it I was one . There were three or four of us , counting me . My working place was established in a corner of the warehouse , where Mr. Quinion could see me , when he chose to stand up on the bottom rail of his stool in the counting-house , and look at me through a window above the desk . Hither , on the first morning of my so auspiciously beginning life on my own account , the oldest of the regular boys was summoned to show me my business . His name was Mick Walker , and he wore a ragged apron and a paper cap . He informed me that his father was a bargeman , and walked , in a black velvet head-dress , in the Lord Mayor 's Show . He also informed me that our principal associate would be another boy whom he introduced by the -- to me -- extraordinary name of Mealy Potatoes . I discovered , however , that this youth had not been christened by that name , but that it had been bestowed upon him in the warehouse , on account of his complexion , which was pale or mealy . Mealy 's father was a waterman , who had the additional distinction of being a fireman , and was engaged as such at one of the large theatres ; where some young relation of Mealy 's -- I think his little sister -- did Imps in the Pantomimes . No words can express the secret agony of my soul as I sunk into this companionship ; compared these henceforth everyday associates with those of my happier childhood -- not to say with Steerforth , Traddles , and the rest of those boys ; and felt my hopes of growing up to be a learned and distinguished man , crushed in my bosom . The deep remembrance of the sense I had , of being utterly without hope now ; of the shame I felt in my position ; of the misery it was to my young heart to believe that day by day what I had learned , and thought , and delighted in , and raised my fancy and my emulation up by , would pass away from me , little by little , never to be brought back any more ; can not be written . As often as Mick Walker went away in the course of that forenoon , I mingled my tears with the water in which I was washing the bottles ; and sobbed as if there were a flaw in my own breast , and it were in danger of bursting . The counting-house clock was at half past twelve , and there was general preparation for going to dinner , when Mr. Quinion tapped at the counting-house window , and beckoned to me to go in . I went in , and found there a stoutish , middle-aged person , in a brown surtout and black tights and shoes , with no more hair upon his head ( which was a large one , and very shining ) than there is upon an egg , and with a very extensive face , which he turned full upon me . His clothes were shabby , but he had an imposing shirt-collar on . He carried a jaunty sort of a stick , with a large pair of rusty tassels to it ; and a quizzing-glass hung outside his coat , -- for ornament , I afterwards found , as he very seldom looked through it , and could n't see anything when he did . 'This , ' said Mr. Quinion , in allusion to myself , 'is he . ' 'This , ' said the stranger , with a certain condescending roll in his voice , and a certain indescribable air of doing something genteel , which impressed me very much , 'is Master Copperfield . I hope I see you well , sir ? ' I said I was very well , and hoped he was . I was sufficiently ill at ease , Heaven knows ; but it was not in my nature to complain much at that time of my life , so I said I was very well , and hoped he was . 'I am , ' said the stranger , 'thank Heaven , quite well . I have received a letter from Mr. Murdstone , in which he mentions that he would desire me to receive into an apartment in the rear of my house , which is at present unoccupied -- and is , in short , to be let as a -- in short , ' said the stranger , with a smile and in a burst of confidence , 'as a bedroom -- the young beginner whom I have now the pleasure to -- ' and the stranger waved his hand , and settled his chin in his shirt-collar . 'This is Mr. Micawber , ' said Mr. Quinion to me . 'Ahem ! ' said the stranger , 'that is my name . ' 'Mr . Micawber , ' said Mr. Quinion , 'is known to Mr. Murdstone . He takes orders for us on commission , when he can get any . He has been written to by Mr. Murdstone , on the subject of your lodgings , and he will receive you as a lodger . ' 'My address , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'is Windsor Terrace , City Road . I -- in short , ' said Mr. Micawber , with the same genteel air , and in another burst of confidence -- 'I live there . ' I made him a bow . 'Under the impression , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'that your peregrinations in this metropolis have not as yet been extensive , and that you might have some difficulty in penetrating the arcana of the Modern Babylon in the direction of the City Road , -- in short , ' said Mr. Micawber , in another burst of confidence , 'that you might lose yourself -- I shall be happy to call this evening , and install you in the knowledge of the nearest way . ' I thanked him with all my heart , for it was friendly in him to offer to take that trouble . 'At what hour , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'shall I -- ' 'At about eight , ' said Mr. Quinion . 'At about eight , ' said Mr. Micawber . 'I beg to wish you good day , Mr. Quinion . I will intrude no longer . ' So he put on his hat , and went out with his cane under his arm : very upright , and humming a tune when he was clear of the counting-house . Mr. Quinion then formally engaged me to be as useful as I could in the warehouse of Murdstone and Grinby , at a salary , I think , of six shillings a week . I am not clear whether it was six or seven . I am inclined to believe , from my uncertainty on this head , that it was six at first and seven afterwards . He paid me a week down ( from his own pocket , I believe ) , and I gave Mealy sixpence out of it to get my trunk carried to Windsor Terrace that night : it being too heavy for my strength , small as it was . I paid sixpence more for my dinner , which was a meat pie and a turn at a neighbouring pump ; and passed the hour which was allowed for that meal , in walking about the streets . At the appointed time in the evening , Mr. Micawber reappeared . I washed my hands and face , to do the greater honour to his gentility , and we walked to our house , as I suppose I must now call it , together ; Mr. Micawber impressing the name of streets , and the shapes of corner houses upon me , as we went along , that I might find my way back , easily , in the morning . Arrived at this house in Windsor Terrace ( which I noticed was shabby like himself , but also , like himself , made all the show it could ) , he presented me to Mrs. Micawber , a thin and faded lady , not at all young , who was sitting in the parlour ( the first floor was altogether unfurnished , and the blinds were kept down to delude the neighbours ) , with a baby at her breast . This baby was one of twins ; and I may remark here that I hardly ever , in all my experience of the family , saw both the twins detached from Mrs. Micawber at the same time . One of them was always taking refreshment . There were two other children ; Master Micawber , aged about four , and Miss Micawber , aged about three . These , and a dark-complexioned young woman , with a habit of snorting , who was servant to the family , and informed me , before half an hour had expired , that she was 'a Orfling ' , and came from St. Luke 's workhouse , in the neighbourhood , completed the establishment . My room was at the top of the house , at the back : a close chamber ; stencilled all over with an ornament which my young imagination represented as a blue muffin ; and very scantily furnished . 'I never thought , ' said Mrs. Micawber , when she came up , twin and all , to show me the apartment , and sat down to take breath , 'before I was married , when I lived with papa and mama , that I should ever find it necessary to take a lodger . But Mr. Micawber being in difficulties , all considerations of private feeling must give way . ' I said : 'Yes , ma'am . ' 'Mr . Micawber 's difficulties are almost overwhelming just at present , ' said Mrs. Micawber ; 'and whether it is possible to bring him through them , I do n't know . When I lived at home with papa and mama , I really should have hardly understood what the word meant , in the sense in which I now employ it , but experientia does it , -- as papa used to say . ' I can not satisfy myself whether she told me that Mr. Micawber had been an officer in the Marines , or whether I have imagined it . I only know that I believe to this hour that he WAS in the Marines once upon a time , without knowing why . He was a sort of town traveller for a number of miscellaneous houses , now ; but made little or nothing of it , I am afraid . 'If Mr. Micawber 's creditors will not give him time , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'they must take the consequences ; and the sooner they bring it to an issue the better . Blood can not be obtained from a stone , neither can anything on account be obtained at present ( not to mention law expenses ) from Mr . Micawber . ' I never can quite understand whether my precocious self-dependence confused Mrs. Micawber in reference to my age , or whether she was so full of the subject that she would have talked about it to the very twins if there had been nobody else to communicate with , but this was the strain in which she began , and she went on accordingly all the time I knew her . Poor Mrs. Micawber ! She said she had tried to exert herself , and so , I have no doubt , she had . The centre of the street door was perfectly covered with a great brass-plate , on which was engraved 'Mrs . Micawber's Boarding Establishment for Young Ladies ' : but I never found that any young lady had ever been to school there ; or that any young lady ever came , or proposed to come ; or that the least preparation was ever made to receive any young lady . The only visitors I ever saw , or heard of , were creditors . THEY used to come at all hours , and some of them were quite ferocious . One dirty-faced man , I think he was a boot-maker , used to edge himself into the passage as early as seven o'clock in the morning , and call up the stairs to Mr. Micawber -- 'Come ! You ai n't out yet , you know . Pay us , will you ? Do n't hide , you know ; that 's mean . I would n't be mean if I was you . Pay us , will you ? You just pay us , d 'ye hear ? Come ! ' Receiving no answer to these taunts , he would mount in his wrath to the words 'swindlers ' and 'robbers ' ; and these being ineffectual too , would sometimes go to the extremity of crossing the street , and roaring up at the windows of the second floor , where he knew Mr. Micawber was . At these times , Mr. Micawber would be transported with grief and mortification , even to the length ( as I was once made aware by a scream from his wife ) of making motions at himself with a razor ; but within half-an-hour afterwards , he would polish up his shoes with extraordinary pains , and go out , humming a tune with a greater air of gentility than ever . Mrs. Micawber was quite as elastic . I have known her to be thrown into fainting fits by the king 's taxes at three o'clock , and to eat lamb chops , breaded , and drink warm ale ( paid for with two tea-spoons that had gone to the pawnbroker 's ) at four . On one occasion , when an execution had just been put in , coming home through some chance as early as six o'clock , I saw her lying ( of course with a twin ) under the grate in a swoon , with her hair all torn about her face ; but I never knew her more cheerful than she was , that very same night , over a veal cutlet before the kitchen fire , telling me stories about her papa and mama , and the company they used to keep . In this house , and with this family , I passed my leisure time . My own exclusive breakfast of a penny loaf and a pennyworth of milk , I provided myself . I kept another small loaf , and a modicum of cheese , on a particular shelf of a particular cupboard , to make my supper on when I came back at night . This made a hole in the six or seven shillings , I know well ; and I was out at the warehouse all day , and had to support myself on that money all the week . From Monday morning until Saturday night , I had no advice , no counsel , no encouragement , no consolation , no assistance , no support , of any kind , from anyone , that I can call to mind , as I hope to go to heaven ! I was so young and childish , and so little qualified -- how could I be otherwise ? -- to undertake the whole charge of my own existence , that often , in going to Murdstone and Grinby 's , of a morning , I could not resist the stale pastry put out for sale at half-price at the pastrycooks ' doors , and spent in that the money I should have kept for my dinner . Then , I went without my dinner , or bought a roll or a slice of pudding . I remember two pudding shops , between which I was divided , according to my finances . One was in a court close to St. Martin's Church -- at the back of the church , -- which is now removed altogether . The pudding at that shop was made of currants , and was rather a special pudding , but was dear , twopennyworth not being larger than a pennyworth of more ordinary pudding . A good shop for the latter was in the Strand -- somewhere in that part which has been rebuilt since . It was a stout pale pudding , heavy and flabby , and with great flat raisins in it , stuck in whole at wide distances apart . It came up hot at about my time every day , and many a day did I dine off it . When I dined regularly and handsomely , I had a saveloy and a penny loaf , or a fourpenny plate of red beef from a cook 's shop ; or a plate of bread and cheese and a glass of beer , from a miserable old public-house opposite our place of business , called the Lion , or the Lion and something else that I have forgotten . Once , I remember carrying my own bread ( which I had brought from home in the morning ) under my arm , wrapped in a piece of paper , like a book , and going to a famous alamode beef-house near Drury Lane , and ordering a 'small plate ' of that delicacy to eat with it . What the waiter thought of such a strange little apparition coming in all alone , I do n't know ; but I can see him now , staring at me as I ate my dinner , and bringing up the other waiter to look . I gave him a halfpenny for himself , and I wish he had n't taken it . We had half-an-hour , I think , for tea . When I had money enough , I used to get half-a-pint of ready-made coffee and a slice of bread and butter . When I had none , I used to look at a venison shop in Fleet Street ; or I have strolled , at such a time , as far as Covent Garden Market , and stared at the pineapples . I was fond of wandering about the Adelphi , because it was a mysterious place , with those dark arches . I see myself emerging one evening from some of these arches , on a little public-house close to the river , with an open space before it , where some coal-heavers were dancing ; to look at whom I sat down upon a bench . I wonder what they thought of me ! I was such a child , and so little , that frequently when I went into the bar of a strange public-house for a glass of ale or porter , to moisten what I had had for dinner , they were afraid to give it me . I remember one hot evening I went into the bar of a public-house , and said to the landlord : 'What is your best -- your very best -- ale a glass ? ' For it was a special occasion . I do n't know what . It may have been my birthday . 'Twopence-halfpenny , ' says the landlord , 'is the price of the Genuine Stunning ale . ' 'Then , ' says I , producing the money , 'just draw me a glass of the Genuine Stunning , if you please , with a good head to it . ' The landlord looked at me in return over the bar , from head to foot , with a strange smile on his face ; and instead of drawing the beer , looked round the screen and said something to his wife . She came out from behind it , with her work in her hand , and joined him in surveying me . Here we stand , all three , before me now . The landlord in his shirt-sleeves , leaning against the bar window-frame ; his wife looking over the little half-door ; and I , in some confusion , looking up at them from outside the partition . They asked me a good many questions ; as , what my name was , how old I was , where I lived , how I was employed , and how I came there . To all of which , that I might commit nobody , I invented , I am afraid , appropriate answers . They served me with the ale , though I suspect it was not the Genuine Stunning ; and the landlord's wife , opening the little half-door of the bar , and bending down , gave me my money back , and gave me a kiss that was half admiring and half compassionate , but all womanly and good , I am sure . I know I do not exaggerate , unconsciously and unintentionally , the scantiness of my resources or the difficulties of my life . I know that if a shilling were given me by Mr. Quinion at any time , I spent it in a dinner or a tea . I know that I worked , from morning until night , with common men and boys , a shabby child . I know that I lounged about the streets , insufficiently and unsatisfactorily fed . I know that , but for the mercy of God , I might easily have been , for any care that was taken of me , a little robber or a little vagabond . Yet I held some station at Murdstone and Grinby 's too . Besides that Mr. Quinion did what a careless man so occupied , and dealing with a thing so anomalous , could , to treat me as one upon a different footing from the rest , I never said , to man or boy , how it was that I came to be there , or gave the least indication of being sorry that I was there . That I suffered in secret , and that I suffered exquisitely , no one ever knew but I . How much I suffered , it is , as I have said already , utterly beyond my power to tell . But I kept my own counsel , and I did my work . I knew from the first , that , if I could not do my work as well as any of the rest , I could not hold myself above slight and contempt . I soon became at least as expeditious and as skilful as either of the other boys . Though perfectly familiar with them , my conduct and manner were different enough from theirs to place a space between us . They and the men generally spoke of me as 'the little gent ' , or 'the young Suffolker . ' A certain man named Gregory , who was foreman of the packers , and another named Tipp , who was the carman , and wore a red jacket , used to address me sometimes as 'David ' : but I think it was mostly when we were very confidential , and when I had made some efforts to entertain them , over our work , with some results of the old readings ; which were fast perishing out of my remembrance . Mealy Potatoes uprose once , and rebelled against my being so distinguished ; but Mick Walker settled him in no time . My rescue from this kind of existence I considered quite hopeless , and abandoned , as such , altogether . I am solemnly convinced that I never for one hour was reconciled to it , or was otherwise than miserably unhappy ; but I bore it ; and even to Peggotty , partly for the love of her and partly for shame , never in any letter ( though many passed between us ) revealed the truth . Mr. Micawber 's difficulties were an addition to the distressed state of my mind . In my forlorn state I became quite attached to the family , and used to walk about , busy with Mrs. Micawber 's calculations of ways and means , and heavy with the weight of Mr. Micawber 's debts . On a Saturday night , which was my grand treat , -- partly because it was a great thing to walk home with six or seven shillings in my pocket , looking into the shops and thinking what such a sum would buy , and partly because I went home early , -- Mrs. Micawber would make the most heart-rending confidences to me ; also on a Sunday morning , when I mixed the portion of tea or coffee I had bought over-night , in a little shaving-pot , and sat late at my breakfast . It was nothing at all unusual for Mr. Micawber to sob violently at the beginning of one of these Saturday night conversations , and sing about Jack 's delight being his lovely Nan , towards the end of it . I have known him come home to supper with a flood of tears , and a declaration that nothing was now left but a jail ; and go to bed making a calculation of the expense of putting bow-windows to the house , 'in case anything turned up ' , which was his favourite expression . And Mrs. Micawber was just the same . A curious equality of friendship , originating , I suppose , in our respective circumstances , sprung up between me and these people , notwithstanding the ludicrous disparity in our years . But I never allowed myself to be prevailed upon to accept any invitation to eat and drink with them out of their stock ( knowing that they got on badly with the butcher and baker , and had often not too much for themselves ) , until Mrs. Micawber took me into her entire confidence . This she did one evening as follows : 'Master Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'I make no stranger of you , and therefore do not hesitate to say that Mr. Micawber 's difficulties are coming to a crisis . ' It made me very miserable to hear it , and I looked at Mrs. Micawber's red eyes with the utmost sympathy . 'With the exception of the heel of a Dutch cheese -- which is not adapted to the wants of a young family ' -- said Mrs. Micawber , 'there is really not a scrap of anything in the larder . I was accustomed to speak of the larder when I lived with papa and mama , and I use the word almost unconsciously . What I mean to express is , that there is nothing to eat in the house . ' 'Dear me ! ' I said , in great concern . I had two or three shillings of my week 's money in my pocket -- from which I presume that it must have been on a Wednesday night when we held this conversation -- and I hastily produced them , and with heartfelt emotion begged Mrs. Micawber to accept of them as a loan . But that lady , kissing me , and making me put them back in my pocket , replied that she couldn't think of it . 'No , my dear Master Copperfield , ' said she , 'far be it from my thoughts ! But you have a discretion beyond your years , and can render me another kind of service , if you will ; and a service I will thankfully accept of . ' I begged Mrs. Micawber to name it . 'I have parted with the plate myself , ' said Mrs. Micawber . 'Six tea , two salt , and a pair of sugars , I have at different times borrowed money on , in secret , with my own hands . But the twins are a great tie ; and to me , with my recollections , of papa and mama , these transactions are very painful . There are still a few trifles that we could part with . Mr. Micawber 's feelings would never allow him to dispose of them ; and Clickett ' -- this was the girl from the workhouse -- 'being of a vulgar mind , would take painful liberties if so much confidence was reposed in her . Master Copperfield , if I might ask you -- ' I understood Mrs. Micawber now , and begged her to make use of me to any extent . I began to dispose of the more portable articles of property that very evening ; and went out on a similar expedition almost every morning , before I went to Murdstone and Grinby 's . Mr. Micawber had a few books on a little chiffonier , which he called the library ; and those went first . I carried them , one after another , to a bookstall in the City Road -- one part of which , near our house , was almost all bookstalls and bird shops then -- and sold them for whatever they would bring . The keeper of this bookstall , who lived in a little house behind it , used to get tipsy every night , and to be violently scolded by his wife every morning . More than once , when I went there early , I had audience of him in a turn-up bedstead , with a cut in his forehead or a black eye , bearing witness to his excesses over-night ( I am afraid he was quarrelsome in his drink ) , and he , with a shaking hand , endeavouring to find the needful shillings in one or other of the pockets of his clothes , which lay upon the floor , while his wife , with a baby in her arms and her shoes down at heel , never left off rating him . Sometimes he had lost his money , and then he would ask me to call again ; but his wife had always got some -- had taken his , I dare say , while he was drunk -- and secretly completed the bargain on the stairs , as we went down together . At the pawnbroker 's shop , too , I began to be very well known . The principal gentleman who officiated behind the counter , took a good deal of notice of me ; and often got me , I recollect , to decline a Latin noun or adjective , or to conjugate a Latin verb , in his ear , while he transacted my business . After all these occasions Mrs. Micawber made a little treat , which was generally a supper ; and there was a peculiar relish in these meals which I well remember . At last Mr. Micawber 's difficulties came to a crisis , and he was arrested early one morning , and carried over to the King 's Bench Prison in the Borough . He told me , as he went out of the house , that the God of day had now gone down upon him -- and I really thought his heart was broken and mine too . But I heard , afterwards , that he was seen to play a lively game at skittles , before noon . On the first Sunday after he was taken there , I was to go and see him , and have dinner with him . I was to ask my way to such a place , and just short of that place I should see such another place , and just short of that I should see a yard , which I was to cross , and keep straight on until I saw a turnkey . All this I did ; and when at last I did see a turnkey ( poor little fellow that I was ! ) , and thought how , when Roderick Random was in a debtors ' prison , there was a man there with nothing on him but an old rug , the turnkey swam before my dimmed eyes and my beating heart . Mr. Micawber was waiting for me within the gate , and we went up to his room ( top story but one ) , and cried very much . He solemnly conjured me , I remember , to take warning by his fate ; and to observe that if a man had twenty pounds a-year for his income , and spent nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence , he would be happy , but that if he spent twenty pounds one he would be miserable . After which he borrowed a shilling of me for porter , gave me a written order on Mrs. Micawber for the amount , and put away his pocket-handkerchief , and cheered up . We sat before a little fire , with two bricks put within the rusted grate , one on each side , to prevent its burning too many coals ; until another debtor , who shared the room with Mr. Micawber , came in from the bakehouse with the loin of mutton which was our joint-stock repast . Then I was sent up to 'Captain Hopkins ' in the room overhead , with Mr. Micawber 's compliments , and I was his young friend , and would Captain Hopkins lend me a knife and fork . Captain Hopkins lent me the knife and fork , with his compliments to Mr. Micawber . There was a very dirty lady in his little room , and two wan girls , his daughters , with shock heads of hair . I thought it was better to borrow Captain Hopkins 's knife and fork , than Captain Hopkins 's comb . The Captain himself was in the last extremity of shabbiness , with large whiskers , and an old , old brown great-coat with no other coat below it . I saw his bed rolled up in a corner ; and what plates and dishes and pots he had , on a shelf ; and I divined ( God knows how ) that though the two girls with the shock heads of hair were Captain Hopkins 's children , the dirty lady was not married to Captain Hopkins . My timid station on his threshold was not occupied more than a couple of minutes at most ; but I came down again with all this in my knowledge , as surely as the knife and fork were in my hand . There was something gipsy-like and agreeable in the dinner , after all . I took back Captain Hopkins 's knife and fork early in the afternoon , and went home to comfort Mrs. Micawber with an account of my visit . She fainted when she saw me return , and made a little jug of egg-hot afterwards to console us while we talked it over . I do n't know how the household furniture came to be sold for the family benefit , or who sold it , except that I did not . Sold it was , however , and carried away in a van ; except the bed , a few chairs , and the kitchen table . With these possessions we encamped , as it were , in the two parlours of the emptied house in Windsor Terrace ; Mrs. Micawber , the children , the Orfling , and myself ; and lived in those rooms night and day . I have no idea for how long , though it seems to me for a long time . At last Mrs. Micawber resolved to move into the prison , where Mr. Micawber had now secured a room to himself . So I took the key of the house to the landlord , who was very glad to get it ; and the beds were sent over to the King 's Bench , except mine , for which a little room was hired outside the walls in the neighbourhood of that Institution , very much to my satisfaction , since the Micawbers and I had become too used to one another , in our troubles , to part . The Orfling was likewise accommodated with an inexpensive lodging in the same neighbourhood . Mine was a quiet back-garret with a sloping roof , commanding a pleasant prospect of a timberyard ; and when I took possession of it , with the reflection that Mr. Micawber 's troubles had come to a crisis at last , I thought it quite a paradise . All this time I was working at Murdstone and Grinby 's in the same common way , and with the same common companions , and with the same sense of unmerited degradation as at first . But I never , happily for me no doubt , made a single acquaintance , or spoke to any of the many boys whom I saw daily in going to the warehouse , in coming from it , and in prowling about the streets at meal-times . I led the same secretly unhappy life ; but I led it in the same lonely , self-reliant manner . The only changes I am conscious of are , firstly , that I had grown more shabby , and secondly , that I was now relieved of much of the weight of Mr. and Mrs. Micawber 's cares ; for some relatives or friends had engaged to help them at their present pass , and they lived more comfortably in the prison than they had lived for a long while out of it . I used to breakfast with them now , in virtue of some arrangement , of which I have forgotten the details . I forget , too , at what hour the gates were opened in the morning , admitting of my going in ; but I know that I was often up at six o'clock , and that my favourite lounging-place in the interval was old London Bridge , where I was wont to sit in one of the stone recesses , watching the people going by , or to look over the balustrades at the sun shining in the water , and lighting up the golden flame on the top of the Monument . The Orfling met me here sometimes , to be told some astonishing fictions respecting the wharves and the Tower ; of which I can say no more than that I hope I believed them myself . In the evening I used to go back to the prison , and walk up and down the parade with Mr. Micawber ; or play casino with Mrs. Micawber , and hear reminiscences of her papa and mama . Whether Mr. Murdstone knew where I was , I am unable to say . I never told them at Murdstone and Grinby 's . Mr. Micawber 's affairs , although past their crisis , were very much involved by reason of a certain 'Deed ' , of which I used to hear a great deal , and which I suppose , now , to have been some former composition with his creditors , though I was so far from being clear about it then , that I am conscious of having confounded it with those demoniacal parchments which are held to have , once upon a time , obtained to a great extent in Germany . At last this document appeared to be got out of the way , somehow ; at all events it ceased to be the rock-ahead it had been ; and Mrs. Micawber informed me that 'her family ' had decided that Mr. Micawber should apply for his release under the Insolvent Debtors Act , which would set him free , she expected , in about six weeks . 'And then , ' said Mr. Micawber , who was present , 'I have no doubt I shall , please Heaven , begin to be beforehand with the world , and to live in a perfectly new manner , if -- in short , if anything turns up . ' By way of going in for anything that might be on the cards , I call to mind that Mr. Micawber , about this time , composed a petition to the House of Commons , praying for an alteration in the law of imprisonment for debt . I set down this remembrance here , because it is an instance to myself of the manner in which I fitted my old books to my altered life , and made stories for myself , out of the streets , and out of men and women ; and how some main points in the character I shall unconsciously develop , I suppose , in writing my life , were gradually forming all this while . There was a club in the prison , in which Mr. Micawber , as a gentleman , was a great authority . Mr. Micawber had stated his idea of this petition to the club , and the club had strongly approved of the same . Wherefore Mr. Micawber ( who was a thoroughly good-natured man , and as active a creature about everything but his own affairs as ever existed , and never so happy as when he was busy about something that could never be of any profit to him ) set to work at the petition , invented it , engrossed it on an immense sheet of paper , spread it out on a table , and appointed a time for all the club , and all within the walls if they chose , to come up to his room and sign it . When I heard of this approaching ceremony , I was so anxious to see them all come in , one after another , though I knew the greater part of them already , and they me , that I got an hour 's leave of absence from Murdstone and Grinby 's , and established myself in a corner for that purpose . As many of the principal members of the club as could be got into the small room without filling it , supported Mr. Micawber in front of the petition , while my old friend Captain Hopkins ( who had washed himself , to do honour to so solemn an occasion ) stationed himself close to it , to read it to all who were unacquainted with its contents . The door was then thrown open , and the general population began to come in , in a long file : several waiting outside , while one entered , affixed his signature , and went out . To everybody in succession , Captain Hopkins said : 'Have you read it ? ' -- 'No . ' -- -'Would you like to hear it read ? ' If he weakly showed the least disposition to hear it , Captain Hopkins , in a loud sonorous voice , gave him every word of it . The Captain would have read it twenty thousand times , if twenty thousand people would have heard him , one by one . I remember a certain luscious roll he gave to such phrases as 'The people 's representatives in Parliament assembled , ' 'Your petitioners therefore humbly approach your honourable house , ' 'His gracious Majesty 's unfortunate subjects , ' as if the words were something real in his mouth , and delicious to taste ; Mr. Micawber , meanwhile , listening with a little of an author 's vanity , and contemplating ( not severely ) the spikes on the opposite wall . As I walked to and fro daily between Southwark and Blackfriars , and lounged about at meal-times in obscure streets , the stones of which may , for anything I know , be worn at this moment by my childish feet , I wonder how many of these people were wanting in the crowd that used to come filing before me in review again , to the echo of Captain Hopkins's voice ! When my thoughts go back , now , to that slow agony of my youth , I wonder how much of the histories I invented for such people hangs like a mist of fancy over well-remembered facts ! When I tread the old ground , I do not wonder that I seem to see and pity , going on before me , an innocent romantic boy , making his imaginative world out of such strange experiences and sordid things ! CHAPTER 12 . LIKING LIFE ON MY OWN ACCOUNT NO BETTER , I FORM A GREAT RESOLUTION In due time , Mr. Micawber 's petition was ripe for hearing ; and that gentleman was ordered to be discharged under the Act , to my great joy . His creditors were not implacable ; and Mrs. Micawber informed me that even the revengeful boot-maker had declared in open court that he bore him no malice , but that when money was owing to him he liked to be paid . He said he thought it was human nature . Mr. Micawber returned to the King 's Bench when his case was over , as some fees were to be settled , and some formalities observed , before he could be actually released . The club received him with transport , and held an harmonic meeting that evening in his honour ; while Mrs. Micawber and I had a lamb 's fry in private , surrounded by the sleeping family . 'On such an occasion I will give you , Master Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'in a little more flip , ' for we had been having some already , 'the memory of my papa and mama . ' 'Are they dead , ma'am ? ' I inquired , after drinking the toast in a wine-glass . 'My mama departed this life , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'before Mr. Micawber's difficulties commenced , or at least before they became pressing . My papa lived to bail Mr. Micawber several times , and then expired , regretted by a numerous circle . ' Mrs. Micawber shook her head , and dropped a pious tear upon the twin who happened to be in hand . As I could hardly hope for a more favourable opportunity of putting a question in which I had a near interest , I said to Mrs. Micawber : 'May I ask , ma'am , what you and Mr. Micawber intend to do , now that Mr. Micawber is out of his difficulties , and at liberty ? Have you settled yet ? ' 'My family , ' said Mrs. Micawber , who always said those two words with an air , though I never could discover who came under the denomination , 'my family are of opinion that Mr. Micawber should quit London , and exert his talents in the country . Mr. Micawber is a man of great talent , Master Copperfield . ' I said I was sure of that . 'Of great talent , ' repeated Mrs. Micawber . 'My family are of opinion , that , with a little interest , something might be done for a man of his ability in the Custom House . The influence of my family being local , it is their wish that Mr. Micawber should go down to Plymouth . They think it indispensable that he should be upon the spot . ' 'That he may be ready ? ' I suggested . 'Exactly , ' returned Mrs. Micawber . 'That he may be ready -- in case of anything turning up . ' 'And do you go too , ma'am ? ' The events of the day , in combination with the twins , if not with the flip , had made Mrs. Micawber hysterical , and she shed tears as she replied : 'I never will desert Mr. Micawber . Mr. Micawber may have concealed his difficulties from me in the first instance , but his sanguine temper may have led him to expect that he would overcome them . The pearl necklace and bracelets which I inherited from mama , have been disposed of for less than half their value ; and the set of coral , which was the wedding gift of my papa , has been actually thrown away for nothing . But I never will desert Mr. Micawber . No ! ' cried Mrs. Micawber , more affected than before , 'I never will do it ! It 's of no use asking me ! ' I felt quite uncomfortable -- as if Mrs. Micawber supposed I had asked her to do anything of the sort ! -- and sat looking at her in alarm . 'Mr . Micawber has his faults . I do not deny that he is improvident . I do not deny that he has kept me in the dark as to his resources and his liabilities both , ' she went on , looking at the wall ; 'but I never will desert Mr . Micawber ! ' Mrs. Micawber having now raised her voice into a perfect scream , I was so frightened that I ran off to the club-room , and disturbed Mr. Micawber in the act of presiding at a long table , and leading the chorus of Gee up , Dobbin , Gee ho , Dobbin , Gee up , Dobbin , Gee up , and gee ho -- o -- o ! with the tidings that Mrs. Micawber was in an alarming state , upon which he immediately burst into tears , and came away with me with his waistcoat full of the heads and tails of shrimps , of which he had been partaking . 'Emma , my angel ! ' cried Mr. Micawber , running into the room ; 'what is the matter ? ' 'I never will desert you , Micawber ! ' she exclaimed . 'My life ! ' said Mr. Micawber , taking her in his arms . 'I am perfectly aware of it . ' 'He is the parent of my children ! He is the father of my twins ! He is the husband of my affections , ' cried Mrs. Micawber , struggling ; 'and I ne -- ver -- will -- desert Mr . Micawber ! ' Mr. Micawber was so deeply affected by this proof of her devotion ( as to me , I was dissolved in tears ) , that he hung over her in a passionate manner , imploring her to look up , and to be calm . But the more he asked Mrs. Micawber to look up , the more she fixed her eyes on nothing ; and the more he asked her to compose herself , the more she would n't . Consequently Mr. Micawber was soon so overcome , that he mingled his tears with hers and mine ; until he begged me to do him the favour of taking a chair on the staircase , while he got her into bed . I would have taken my leave for the night , but he would not hear of my doing that until the strangers ' bell should ring . So I sat at the staircase window , until he came out with another chair and joined me . 'How is Mrs. Micawber now , sir ? ' I said . 'Very low , ' said Mr. Micawber , shaking his head ; 'reaction . Ah , this has been a dreadful day ! We stand alone now -- everything is gone from us ! ' Mr. Micawber pressed my hand , and groaned , and afterwards shed tears . I was greatly touched , and disappointed too , for I had expected that we should be quite gay on this happy and long-looked-for occasion . But Mr. and Mrs. Micawber were so used to their old difficulties , I think , that they felt quite shipwrecked when they came to consider that they were released from them . All their elasticity was departed , and I never saw them half so wretched as on this night ; insomuch that when the bell rang , and Mr. Micawber walked with me to the lodge , and parted from me there with a blessing , I felt quite afraid to leave him by himself , he was so profoundly miserable . But through all the confusion and lowness of spirits in which we had been , so unexpectedly to me , involved , I plainly discerned that Mr. and Mrs. Micawber and their family were going away from London , and that a parting between us was near at hand . It was in my walk home that night , and in the sleepless hours which followed when I lay in bed , that the thought first occurred to me -- though I do n't know how it came into my head -- which afterwards shaped itself into a settled resolution . I had grown to be so accustomed to the Micawbers , and had been so intimate with them in their distresses , and was so utterly friendless without them , that the prospect of being thrown upon some new shift for a lodging , and going once more among unknown people , was like being that moment turned adrift into my present life , with such a knowledge of it ready made as experience had given me . All the sensitive feelings it wounded so cruelly , all the shame and misery it kept alive within my breast , became more poignant as I thought of this ; and I determined that the life was unendurable . That there was no hope of escape from it , unless the escape was my own act , I knew quite well . I rarely heard from Miss Murdstone , and never from Mr. Murdstone : but two or three parcels of made or mended clothes had come up for me , consigned to Mr. Quinion , and in each there was a scrap of paper to the effect that J. M. trusted D. C. was applying himself to business , and devoting himself wholly to his duties -- not the least hint of my ever being anything else than the common drudge into which I was fast settling down . The very next day showed me , while my mind was in the first agitation of what it had conceived , that Mrs. Micawber had not spoken of their going away without warrant . They took a lodging in the house where I lived , for a week ; at the expiration of which time they were to start for Plymouth . Mr. Micawber himself came down to the counting-house , in the afternoon , to tell Mr. Quinion that he must relinquish me on the day of his departure , and to give me a high character , which I am sure I deserved . And Mr. Quinion , calling in Tipp the carman , who was a married man , and had a room to let , quartered me prospectively on him -- by our mutual consent , as he had every reason to think ; for I said nothing , though my resolution was now taken . I passed my evenings with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber , during the remaining term of our residence under the same roof ; and I think we became fonder of one another as the time went on . On the last Sunday , they invited me to dinner ; and we had a loin of pork and apple sauce , and a pudding . I had bought a spotted wooden horse over-night as a parting gift to little Wilkins Micawber -- that was the boy -- and a doll for little Emma . I had also bestowed a shilling on the Orfling , who was about to be disbanded . We had a very pleasant day , though we were all in a tender state about our approaching separation . 'I shall never , Master Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'revert to the period when Mr. Micawber was in difficulties , without thinking of you . Your conduct has always been of the most delicate and obliging description . You have never been a lodger . You have been a friend . ' 'My dear , ' said Mr. Micawber ; 'Copperfield , ' for so he had been accustomed to call me , of late , 'has a heart to feel for the distresses of his fellow-creatures when they are behind a cloud , and a head to plan , and a hand to -- in short , a general ability to dispose of such available property as could be made away with . ' I expressed my sense of this commendation , and said I was very sorry we were going to lose one another . 'My dear young friend , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'I am older than you ; a man of some experience in life , and -- and of some experience , in short , in difficulties , generally speaking . At present , and until something turns up ( which I am , I may say , hourly expecting ) , I have nothing to bestow but advice . Still my advice is so far worth taking , that -- in short , that I have never taken it myself , and am the ' -- here Mr. Micawber , who had been beaming and smiling , all over his head and face , up to the present moment , checked himself and frowned -- 'the miserable wretch you behold . ' 'My dear Micawber ! ' urged his wife . 'I say , ' returned Mr. Micawber , quite forgetting himself , and smiling again , 'the miserable wretch you behold . My advice is , never do tomorrow what you can do today . Procrastination is the thief of time . Collar him ! ' 'My poor papa 's maxim , ' Mrs. Micawber observed . 'My dear , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'your papa was very well in his way , and Heaven forbid that I should disparage him . Take him for all in all , we ne'er shall -- in short , make the acquaintance , probably , of anybody else possessing , at his time of life , the same legs for gaiters , and able to read the same description of print , without spectacles . But he applied that maxim to our marriage , my dear ; and that was so far prematurely entered into , in consequence , that I never recovered the expense . ' Mr. Micawber looked aside at Mrs. Micawber , and added : 'Not that I am sorry for it . Quite the contrary , my love . ' After which , he was grave for a minute or so . 'My other piece of advice , Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'you know . Annual income twenty pounds , annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six , result happiness . Annual income twenty pounds , annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six , result misery . The blossom is blighted , the leaf is withered , the god of day goes down upon the dreary scene , and -- and in short you are for ever floored . As I am ! ' To make his example the more impressive , Mr. Micawber drank a glass of punch with an air of great enjoyment and satisfaction , and whistled the College Hornpipe . I did not fail to assure him that I would store these precepts in my mind , though indeed I had no need to do so , for , at the time , they affected me visibly . Next morning I met the whole family at the coach office , and saw them , with a desolate heart , take their places outside , at the back . 'Master Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'God bless you ! I never can forget all that , you know , and I never would if I could . ' 'Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'farewell ! Every happiness and prosperity ! If , in the progress of revolving years , I could persuade myself that my blighted destiny had been a warning to you , I should feel that I had not occupied another man 's place in existence altogether in vain . In case of anything turning up ( of which I am rather confident ) , I shall be extremely happy if it should be in my power to improve your prospects . ' I think , as Mrs. Micawber sat at the back of the coach , with the children , and I stood in the road looking wistfully at them , a mist cleared from her eyes , and she saw what a little creature I really was . I think so , because she beckoned to me to climb up , with quite a new and motherly expression in her face , and put her arm round my neck , and gave me just such a kiss as she might have given to her own boy . I had barely time to get down again before the coach started , and I could hardly see the family for the handkerchiefs they waved . It was gone in a minute . The Orfling and I stood looking vacantly at each other in the middle of the road , and then shook hands and said good-bye ; she going back , I suppose , to St. Luke 's workhouse , as I went to begin my weary day at Murdstone and Grinby 's . But with no intention of passing many more weary days there . No . I had resolved to run away. -- -To go , by some means or other , down into the country , to the only relation I had in the world , and tell my story to my aunt , Miss Betsey . I have already observed that I do n't know how this desperate idea came into my brain . But , once there , it remained there ; and hardened into a purpose than which I have never entertained a more determined purpose in my life . I am far from sure that I believed there was anything hopeful in it , but my mind was thoroughly made up that it must be carried into execution . Again , and again , and a hundred times again , since the night when the thought had first occurred to me and banished sleep , I had gone over that old story of my poor mother 's about my birth , which it had been one of my great delights in the old time to hear her tell , and which I knew by heart . My aunt walked into that story , and walked out of it , a dread and awful personage ; but there was one little trait in her behaviour which I liked to dwell on , and which gave me some faint shadow of encouragement . I could not forget how my mother had thought that she felt her touch her pretty hair with no ungentle hand ; and though it might have been altogether my mother 's fancy , and might have had no foundation whatever in fact , I made a little picture , out of it , of my terrible aunt relenting towards the girlish beauty that I recollected so well and loved so much , which softened the whole narrative . It is very possible that it had been in my mind a long time , and had gradually engendered my determination . As I did not even know where Miss Betsey lived , I wrote a long letter to Peggotty , and asked her , incidentally , if she remembered ; pretending that I had heard of such a lady living at a certain place I named at random , and had a curiosity to know if it were the same . In the course of that letter , I told Peggotty that I had a particular occasion for half a guinea ; and that if she could lend me that sum until I could repay it , I should be very much obliged to her , and would tell her afterwards what I had wanted it for . Peggotty 's answer soon arrived , and was , as usual , full of affectionate devotion . She enclosed the half guinea ( I was afraid she must have had a world of trouble to get it out of Mr. Barkis 's box ) , and told me that Miss Betsey lived near Dover , but whether at Dover itself , at Hythe , Sandgate , or Folkestone , she could not say . One of our men , however , informing me on my asking him about these places , that they were all close together , I deemed this enough for my object , and resolved to set out at the end of that week . Being a very honest little creature , and unwilling to disgrace the memory I was going to leave behind me at Murdstone and Grinby 's , I considered myself bound to remain until Saturday night ; and , as I had been paid a week 's wages in advance when I first came there , not to present myself in the counting-house at the usual hour , to receive my stipend . For this express reason , I had borrowed the half-guinea , that I might not be without a fund for my travelling-expenses . Accordingly , when the Saturday night came , and we were all waiting in the warehouse to be paid , and Tipp the carman , who always took precedence , went in first to draw his money , I shook Mick Walker by the hand ; asked him , when it came to his turn to be paid , to say to Mr. Quinion that I had gone to move my box to Tipp 's ; and , bidding a last good night to Mealy Potatoes , ran away . My box was at my old lodging , over the water , and I had written a direction for it on the back of one of our address cards that we nailed on the casks : 'Master David , to be left till called for , at the Coach Office , Dover . ' This I had in my pocket ready to put on the box , after I should have got it out of the house ; and as I went towards my lodging , I looked about me for someone who would help me to carry it to the booking-office . There was a long-legged young man with a very little empty donkey-cart , standing near the Obelisk , in the Blackfriars Road , whose eye I caught as I was going by , and who , addressing me as 'Sixpenn'orth of bad ha'pence , ' hoped 'I should know him agin to swear to ' -- in allusion , I have no doubt , to my staring at him . I stopped to assure him that I had not done so in bad manners , but uncertain whether he might or might not like a job . 'Wot job ? ' said the long-legged young man . 'To move a box , ' I answered . 'Wot box ? ' said the long-legged young man . I told him mine , which was down that street there , and which I wanted him to take to the Dover coach office for sixpence . 'Done with you for a tanner ! ' said the long-legged young man , and directly got upon his cart , which was nothing but a large wooden tray on wheels , and rattled away at such a rate , that it was as much as I could do to keep pace with the donkey . There was a defiant manner about this young man , and particularly about the way in which he chewed straw as he spoke to me , that I did not much like ; as the bargain was made , however , I took him upstairs to the room I was leaving , and we brought the box down , and put it on his cart . Now , I was unwilling to put the direction-card on there , lest any of my landlord 's family should fathom what I was doing , and detain me ; so I said to the young man that I would be glad if he would stop for a minute , when he came to the dead-wall of the King 's Bench prison . The words were no sooner out of my mouth , than he rattled away as if he , my box , the cart , and the donkey , were all equally mad ; and I was quite out of breath with running and calling after him , when I caught him at the place appointed . Being much flushed and excited , I tumbled my half-guinea out of my pocket in pulling the card out . I put it in my mouth for safety , and though my hands trembled a good deal , had just tied the card on very much to my satisfaction , when I felt myself violently chucked under the chin by the long-legged young man , and saw my half-guinea fly out of my mouth into his hand . 'Wot ! ' said the young man , seizing me by my jacket collar , with a frightful grin . 'This is a pollis case , is it ? You 're a-going to bolt , are you ? Come to the pollis , you young warmin , come to the pollis ! ' 'You give me my money back , if you please , ' said I , very much frightened ; 'and leave me alone . ' 'Come to the pollis ! ' said the young man . 'You shall prove it yourn to the pollis . ' 'Give me my box and money , will you , ' I cried , bursting into tears . The young man still replied : 'Come to the pollis ! ' and was dragging me against the donkey in a violent manner , as if there were any affinity between that animal and a magistrate , when he changed his mind , jumped into the cart , sat upon my box , and , exclaiming that he would drive to the pollis straight , rattled away harder than ever . I ran after him as fast as I could , but I had no breath to call out with , and should not have dared to call out , now , if I had . I narrowly escaped being run over , twenty times at least , in half a mile . Now I lost him , now I saw him , now I lost him , now I was cut at with a whip , now shouted at , now down in the mud , now up again , now running into somebody 's arms , now running headlong at a post . At length , confused by fright and heat , and doubting whether half London might not by this time be turning out for my apprehension , I left the young man to go where he would with my box and money ; and , panting and crying , but never stopping , faced about for Greenwich , which I had understood was on the Dover Road : taking very little more out of the world , towards the retreat of my aunt , Miss Betsey , than I had brought into it , on the night when my arrival gave her so much umbrage . CHAPTER 13 . THE SEQUEL OF MY RESOLUTION For anything I know , I may have had some wild idea of running all the way to Dover , when I gave up the pursuit of the young man with the donkey-cart , and started for Greenwich . My scattered senses were soon collected as to that point , if I had ; for I came to a stop in the Kent Road , at a terrace with a piece of water before it , and a great foolish image in the middle , blowing a dry shell . Here I sat down on a doorstep , quite spent and exhausted with the efforts I had already made , and with hardly breath enough to cry for the loss of my box and half-guinea . It was by this time dark ; I heard the clocks strike ten , as I sat resting . But it was a summer night , fortunately , and fine weather . When I had recovered my breath , and had got rid of a stifling sensation in my throat , I rose up and went on . In the midst of my distress , I had no notion of going back . I doubt if I should have had any , though there had been a Swiss snow-drift in the Kent Road . But my standing possessed of only three-halfpence in the world ( and I am sure I wonder how they came to be left in my pocket on a Saturday night ! ) troubled me none the less because I went on . I began to picture to myself , as a scrap of newspaper intelligence , my being found dead in a day or two , under some hedge ; and I trudged on miserably , though as fast as I could , until I happened to pass a little shop , where it was written up that ladies ' and gentlemen 's wardrobes were bought , and that the best price was given for rags , bones , and kitchen-stuff . The master of this shop was sitting at the door in his shirt-sleeves , smoking ; and as there were a great many coats and pairs of trousers dangling from the low ceiling , and only two feeble candles burning inside to show what they were , I fancied that he looked like a man of a revengeful disposition , who had hung all his enemies , and was enjoying himself . My late experiences with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber suggested to me that here might be a means of keeping off the wolf for a little while . I went up the next by-street , took off my waistcoat , rolled it neatly under my arm , and came back to the shop door . 'If you please , sir , ' I said , 'I am to sell this for a fair price . ' Mr. Dolloby -- Dolloby was the name over the shop door , at least -- took the waistcoat , stood his pipe on its head , against the door-post , went into the shop , followed by me , snuffed the two candles with his fingers , spread the waistcoat on the counter , and looked at it there , held it up against the light , and looked at it there , and ultimately said : 'What do you call a price , now , for this here little weskit ? ' 'Oh ! you know best , sir , ' I returned modestly . 'I ca n't be buyer and seller too , ' said Mr. Dolloby . 'Put a price on this here little weskit . ' 'Would eighteenpence be ? ' -- I hinted , after some hesitation . Mr. Dolloby rolled it up again , and gave it me back . 'I should rob my family , ' he said , 'if I was to offer ninepence for it . ' This was a disagreeable way of putting the business ; because it imposed upon me , a perfect stranger , the unpleasantness of asking Mr. Dolloby to rob his family on my account . My circumstances being so very pressing , however , I said I would take ninepence for it , if he pleased . Mr. Dolloby , not without some grumbling , gave ninepence . I wished him good night , and walked out of the shop the richer by that sum , and the poorer by a waistcoat . But when I buttoned my jacket , that was not much . Indeed , I foresaw pretty clearly that my jacket would go next , and that I should have to make the best of my way to Dover in a shirt and a pair of trousers , and might deem myself lucky if I got there even in that trim . But my mind did not run so much on this as might be supposed . Beyond a general impression of the distance before me , and of the young man with the donkey-cart having used me cruelly , I think I had no very urgent sense of my difficulties when I once again set off with my ninepence in my pocket . A plan had occurred to me for passing the night , which I was going to carry into execution . This was , to lie behind the wall at the back of my old school , in a corner where there used to be a haystack . I imagined it would be a kind of company to have the boys , and the bedroom where I used to tell the stories , so near me : although the boys would know nothing of my being there , and the bedroom would yield me no shelter . I had had a hard day 's work , and was pretty well jaded when I came climbing out , at last , upon the level of Blackheath . It cost me some trouble to find out Salem House ; but I found it , and I found a haystack in the corner , and I lay down by it ; having first walked round the wall , and looked up at the windows , and seen that all was dark and silent within . Never shall I forget the lonely sensation of first lying down , without a roof above my head ! Sleep came upon me as it came on many other outcasts , against whom house-doors were locked , and house-dogs barked , that night -- and I dreamed of lying on my old school-bed , talking to the boys in my room ; and found myself sitting upright , with Steerforth 's name upon my lips , looking wildly at the stars that were glistening and glimmering above me . When I remembered where I was at that untimely hour , a feeling stole upon me that made me get up , afraid of I do n't know what , and walk about . But the fainter glimmering of the stars , and the pale light in the sky where the day was coming , reassured me : and my eyes being very heavy , I lay down again and slept -- though with a knowledge in my sleep that it was cold -- until the warm beams of the sun , and the ringing of the getting-up bell at Salem House , awoke me . If I could have hoped that Steerforth was there , I would have lurked about until he came out alone ; but I knew he must have left long since . Traddles still remained , perhaps , but it was very doubtful ; and I had not sufficient confidence in his discretion or good luck , however strong my reliance was on his good nature , to wish to trust him with my situation . So I crept away from the wall as Mr. Creakle 's boys were getting up , and struck into the long dusty track which I had first known to be the Dover Road when I was one of them , and when I little expected that any eyes would ever see me the wayfarer I was now , upon it . What a different Sunday morning from the old Sunday morning at Yarmouth ! In due time I heard the church-bells ringing , as I plodded on ; and I met people who were going to church ; and I passed a church or two where the congregation were inside , and the sound of singing came out into the sunshine , while the beadle sat and cooled himself in the shade of the porch , or stood beneath the yew-tree , with his hand to his forehead , glowering at me going by . But the peace and rest of the old Sunday morning were on everything , except me . That was the difference . I felt quite wicked in my dirt and dust , with my tangled hair . But for the quiet picture I had conjured up , of my mother in her youth and beauty , weeping by the fire , and my aunt relenting to her , I hardly think I should have had the courage to go on until next day . But it always went before me , and I followed . I got , that Sunday , through three-and-twenty miles on the straight road , though not very easily , for I was new to that kind of toil . I see myself , as evening closes in , coming over the bridge at Rochester , footsore and tired , and eating bread that I had bought for supper . One or two little houses , with the notice , 'Lodgings for Travellers ' , hanging out , had tempted me ; but I was afraid of spending the few pence I had , and was even more afraid of the vicious looks of the trampers I had met or overtaken . I sought no shelter , therefore , but the sky ; and toiling into Chatham , -- which , in that night 's aspect , is a mere dream of chalk , and drawbridges , and mastless ships in a muddy river , roofed like Noah 's arks , -- crept , at last , upon a sort of grass-grown battery overhanging a lane , where a sentry was walking to and fro . Here I lay down , near a cannon ; and , happy in the society of the sentry's footsteps , though he knew no more of my being above him than the boys at Salem House had known of my lying by the wall , slept soundly until morning . Very stiff and sore of foot I was in the morning , and quite dazed by the beating of drums and marching of troops , which seemed to hem me in on every side when I went down towards the long narrow street . Feeling that I could go but a very little way that day , if I were to reserve any strength for getting to my journey 's end , I resolved to make the sale of my jacket its principal business . Accordingly , I took the jacket off , that I might learn to do without it ; and carrying it under my arm , began a tour of inspection of the various slop-shops . It was a likely place to sell a jacket in ; for the dealers in second-hand clothes were numerous , and were , generally speaking , on the look-out for customers at their shop doors . But as most of them had , hanging up among their stock , an officer 's coat or two , epaulettes and all , I was rendered timid by the costly nature of their dealings , and walked about for a long time without offering my merchandise to anyone . This modesty of mine directed my attention to the marine-store shops , and such shops as Mr. Dolloby 's , in preference to the regular dealers . At last I found one that I thought looked promising , at the corner of a dirty lane , ending in an enclosure full of stinging-nettles , against the palings of which some second-hand sailors ' clothes , that seemed to have overflowed the shop , were fluttering among some cots , and rusty guns , and oilskin hats , and certain trays full of so many old rusty keys of so many sizes that they seemed various enough to open all the doors in the world . Into this shop , which was low and small , and which was darkened rather than lighted by a little window , overhung with clothes , and was descended into by some steps , I went with a palpitating heart ; which was not relieved when an ugly old man , with the lower part of his face all covered with a stubbly grey beard , rushed out of a dirty den behind it , and seized me by the hair of my head . He was a dreadful old man to look at , in a filthy flannel waistcoat , and smelling terribly of rum . His bedstead , covered with a tumbled and ragged piece of patchwork , was in the den he had come from , where another little window showed a prospect of more stinging-nettles , and a lame donkey . 'Oh , what do you want ? ' grinned this old man , in a fierce , monotonous whine . 'Oh , my eyes and limbs , what do you want ? Oh , my lungs and liver , what do you want ? Oh , goroo , goroo ! ' I was so much dismayed by these words , and particularly by the repetition of the last unknown one , which was a kind of rattle in his throat , that I could make no answer ; hereupon the old man , still holding me by the hair , repeated : 'Oh , what do you want ? Oh , my eyes and limbs , what do you want ? Oh , my lungs and liver , what do you want ? Oh , goroo ! ' -- which he screwed out of himself , with an energy that made his eyes start in his head . 'I wanted to know , ' I said , trembling , 'if you would buy a jacket . ' 'Oh , let 's see the jacket ! ' cried the old man . 'Oh , my heart on fire , show the jacket to us ! Oh , my eyes and limbs , bring the jacket out ! ' With that he took his trembling hands , which were like the claws of a great bird , out of my hair ; and put on a pair of spectacles , not at all ornamental to his inflamed eyes . 'Oh , how much for the jacket ? ' cried the old man , after examining it . 'Oh -- goroo ! -- how much for the jacket ? ' 'Half-a-crown , ' I answered , recovering myself . 'Oh , my lungs and liver , ' cried the old man , 'no ! Oh , my eyes , no ! Oh , my limbs , no ! Eighteenpence . Goroo ! ' Every time he uttered this ejaculation , his eyes seemed to be in danger of starting out ; and every sentence he spoke , he delivered in a sort of tune , always exactly the same , and more like a gust of wind , which begins low , mounts up high , and falls again , than any other comparison I can find for it . 'Well , ' said I , glad to have closed the bargain , 'I 'll take eighteenpence . ' 'Oh , my liver ! ' cried the old man , throwing the jacket on a shelf . 'Get out of the shop ! Oh , my lungs , get out of the shop ! Oh , my eyes and limbs -- goroo ! -- do n't ask for money ; make it an exchange . ' I never was so frightened in my life , before or since ; but I told him humbly that I wanted money , and that nothing else was of any use to me , but that I would wait for it , as he desired , outside , and had no wish to hurry him . So I went outside , and sat down in the shade in a corner . And I sat there so many hours , that the shade became sunlight , and the sunlight became shade again , and still I sat there waiting for the money . There never was such another drunken madman in that line of business , I hope . That he was well known in the neighbourhood , and enjoyed the reputation of having sold himself to the devil , I soon understood from the visits he received from the boys , who continually came skirmishing about the shop , shouting that legend , and calling to him to bring out his gold . 'You ai n't poor , you know , Charley , as you pretend . Bring out your gold . Bring out some of the gold you sold yourself to the devil for . Come ! It 's in the lining of the mattress , Charley . Rip it open and let 's have some ! ' This , and many offers to lend him a knife for the purpose , exasperated him to such a degree , that the whole day was a succession of rushes on his part , and flights on the part of the boys . Sometimes in his rage he would take me for one of them , and come at me , mouthing as if he were going to tear me in pieces ; then , remembering me , just in time , would dive into the shop , and lie upon his bed , as I thought from the sound of his voice , yelling in a frantic way , to his own windy tune , the 'Death of Nelson ' ; with an Oh ! before every line , and innumerable Goroos interspersed . As if this were not bad enough for me , the boys , connecting me with the establishment , on account of the patience and perseverance with which I sat outside , half-dressed , pelted me , and used me very ill all day . He made many attempts to induce me to consent to an exchange ; at one time coming out with a fishing-rod , at another with a fiddle , at another with a cocked hat , at another with a flute . But I resisted all these overtures , and sat there in desperation ; each time asking him , with tears in my eyes , for my money or my jacket . At last he began to pay me in halfpence at a time ; and was full two hours getting by easy stages to a shilling . 'Oh , my eyes and limbs ! ' he then cried , peeping hideously out of the shop , after a long pause , 'will you go for twopence more ? ' 'I ca n't , ' I said ; 'I shall be starved . ' 'Oh , my lungs and liver , will you go for threepence ? ' 'I would go for nothing , if I could , ' I said , 'but I want the money badly . ' 'Oh , go-roo ! ' ( it is really impossible to express how he twisted this ejaculation out of himself , as he peeped round the door-post at me , showing nothing but his crafty old head ) ; 'will you go for fourpence ? ' I was so faint and weary that I closed with this offer ; and taking the money out of his claw , not without trembling , went away more hungry and thirsty than I had ever been , a little before sunset . But at an expense of threepence I soon refreshed myself completely ; and , being in better spirits then , limped seven miles upon my road . My bed at night was under another haystack , where I rested comfortably , after having washed my blistered feet in a stream , and dressed them as well as I was able , with some cool leaves . When I took the road again next morning , I found that it lay through a succession of hop-grounds and orchards . It was sufficiently late in the year for the orchards to be ruddy with ripe apples ; and in a few places the hop-pickers were already at work . I thought it all extremely beautiful , and made up my mind to sleep among the hops that night : imagining some cheerful companionship in the long perspectives of poles , with the graceful leaves twining round them . The trampers were worse than ever that day , and inspired me with a dread that is yet quite fresh in my mind . Some of them were most ferocious-looking ruffians , who stared at me as I went by ; and stopped , perhaps , and called after me to come back and speak to them , and when I took to my heels , stoned me . I recollect one young fellow -- a tinker , I suppose , from his wallet and brazier -- who had a woman with him , and who faced about and stared at me thus ; and then roared to me in such a tremendous voice to come back , that I halted and looked round . 'Come here , when you 're called , ' said the tinker , 'or I 'll rip your young body open . ' I thought it best to go back . As I drew nearer to them , trying to propitiate the tinker by my looks , I observed that the woman had a black eye . 'Where are you going ? ' said the tinker , gripping the bosom of my shirt with his blackened hand . 'I am going to Dover , ' I said . 'Where do you come from ? ' asked the tinker , giving his hand another turn in my shirt , to hold me more securely . 'I come from London , ' I said . 'What lay are you upon ? ' asked the tinker . 'Are you a prig ? ' 'N-no , ' I said . 'Ai n't you , by G -- ? If you make a brag of your honesty to me , ' said the tinker , 'I 'll knock your brains out . ' With his disengaged hand he made a menace of striking me , and then looked at me from head to foot . 'Have you got the price of a pint of beer about you ? ' said the tinker . 'If you have , out with it , afore I take it away ! ' I should certainly have produced it , but that I met the woman 's look , and saw her very slightly shake her head , and form 'No ! ' with her lips . 'I am very poor , ' I said , attempting to smile , 'and have got no money . ' 'Why , what do you mean ? ' said the tinker , looking so sternly at me , that I almost feared he saw the money in my pocket . 'Sir ! ' I stammered . 'What do you mean , ' said the tinker , 'by wearing my brother 's silk handkerchief ! Give it over here ! ' And he had mine off my neck in a moment , and tossed it to the woman . The woman burst into a fit of laughter , as if she thought this a joke , and tossed it back to me , nodded once , as slightly as before , and made the word 'Go ! ' with her lips . Before I could obey , however , the tinker seized the handkerchief out of my hand with a roughness that threw me away like a feather , and putting it loosely round his own neck , turned upon the woman with an oath , and knocked her down . I never shall forget seeing her fall backward on the hard road , and lie there with her bonnet tumbled off , and her hair all whitened in the dust ; nor , when I looked back from a distance , seeing her sitting on the pathway , which was a bank by the roadside , wiping the blood from her face with a corner of her shawl , while he went on ahead . This adventure frightened me so , that , afterwards , when I saw any of these people coming , I turned back until I could find a hiding-place , where I remained until they had gone out of sight ; which happened so often , that I was very seriously delayed . But under this difficulty , as under all the other difficulties of my journey , I seemed to be sustained and led on by my fanciful picture of my mother in her youth , before I came into the world . It always kept me company . It was there , among the hops , when I lay down to sleep ; it was with me on my waking in the morning ; it went before me all day . I have associated it , ever since , with the sunny street of Canterbury , dozing as it were in the hot light ; and with the sight of its old houses and gateways , and the stately , grey Cathedral , with the rooks sailing round the towers . When I came , at last , upon the bare , wide downs near Dover , it relieved the solitary aspect of the scene with hope ; and not until I reached that first great aim of my journey , and actually set foot in the town itself , on the sixth day of my flight , did it desert me . But then , strange to say , when I stood with my ragged shoes , and my dusty , sunburnt , half-clothed figure , in the place so long desired , it seemed to vanish like a dream , and to leave me helpless and dispirited . I inquired about my aunt among the boatmen first , and received various answers . One said she lived in the South Foreland Light , and had singed her whiskers by doing so ; another , that she was made fast to the great buoy outside the harbour , and could only be visited at half-tide ; a third , that she was locked up in Maidstone jail for child-stealing ; a fourth , that she was seen to mount a broom in the last high wind , and make direct for Calais . The fly-drivers , among whom I inquired next , were equally jocose and equally disrespectful ; and the shopkeepers , not liking my appearance , generally replied , without hearing what I had to say , that they had got nothing for me . I felt more miserable and destitute than I had done at any period of my running away . My money was all gone , I had nothing left to dispose of ; I was hungry , thirsty , and worn out ; and seemed as distant from my end as if I had remained in London . The morning had worn away in these inquiries , and I was sitting on the step of an empty shop at a street corner , near the market-place , deliberating upon wandering towards those other places which had been mentioned , when a fly-driver , coming by with his carriage , dropped a horsecloth . Something good-natured in the man 's face , as I handed it up , encouraged me to ask him if he could tell me where Miss Trotwood lived ; though I had asked the question so often , that it almost died upon my lips . 'Trotwood , ' said he . 'Let me see . I know the name , too . Old lady ? ' 'Yes , ' I said , 'rather . ' 'Pretty stiff in the back ? ' said he , making himself upright . 'Yes , ' I said . 'I should think it very likely . ' 'Carries a bag ? ' said he -- 'bag with a good deal of room in it -- is gruffish , and comes down upon you , sharp ? ' My heart sank within me as I acknowledged the undoubted accuracy of this description . 'Why then , I tell you what , ' said he . 'If you go up there , ' pointing with his whip towards the heights , 'and keep right on till you come to some houses facing the sea , I think you 'll hear of her . My opinion is she wo n't stand anything , so here 's a penny for you . ' I accepted the gift thankfully , and bought a loaf with it . Dispatching this refreshment by the way , I went in the direction my friend had indicated , and walked on a good distance without coming to the houses he had mentioned . At length I saw some before me ; and approaching them , went into a little shop ( it was what we used to call a general shop , at home ) , and inquired if they could have the goodness to tell me where Miss Trotwood lived . I addressed myself to a man behind the counter , who was weighing some rice for a young woman ; but the latter , taking the inquiry to herself , turned round quickly . 'My mistress ? ' she said . 'What do you want with her , boy ? ' 'I want , ' I replied , 'to speak to her , if you please . ' 'To beg of her , you mean , ' retorted the damsel . 'No , ' I said , 'indeed . ' But suddenly remembering that in truth I came for no other purpose , I held my peace in confusion , and felt my face burn . My aunt 's handmaid , as I supposed she was from what she had said , put her rice in a little basket and walked out of the shop ; telling me that I could follow her , if I wanted to know where Miss Trotwood lived . I needed no second permission ; though I was by this time in such a state of consternation and agitation , that my legs shook under me . I followed the young woman , and we soon came to a very neat little cottage with cheerful bow-windows : in front of it , a small square gravelled court or garden full of flowers , carefully tended , and smelling deliciously . 'This is Miss Trotwood 's , ' said the young woman . 'Now you know ; and that 's all I have got to say . ' With which words she hurried into the house , as if to shake off the responsibility of my appearance ; and left me standing at the garden-gate , looking disconsolately over the top of it towards the parlour window , where a muslin curtain partly undrawn in the middle , a large round green screen or fan fastened on to the windowsill , a small table , and a great chair , suggested to me that my aunt might be at that moment seated in awful state . My shoes were by this time in a woeful condition . The soles had shed themselves bit by bit , and the upper leathers had broken and burst until the very shape and form of shoes had departed from them . My hat ( which had served me for a night-cap , too ) was so crushed and bent , that no old battered handleless saucepan on a dunghill need have been ashamed to vie with it . My shirt and trousers , stained with heat , dew , grass , and the Kentish soil on which I had slept -- and torn besides -- might have frightened the birds from my aunt 's garden , as I stood at the gate . My hair had known no comb or brush since I left London . My face , neck , and hands , from unaccustomed exposure to the air and sun , were burnt to a berry-brown . From head to foot I was powdered almost as white with chalk and dust , as if I had come out of a lime-kiln . In this plight , and with a strong consciousness of it , I waited to introduce myself to , and make my first impression on , my formidable aunt . The unbroken stillness of the parlour window leading me to infer , after a while , that she was not there , I lifted up my eyes to the window above it , where I saw a florid , pleasant-looking gentleman , with a grey head , who shut up one eye in a grotesque manner , nodded his head at me several times , shook it at me as often , laughed , and went away . I had been discomposed enough before ; but I was so much the more discomposed by this unexpected behaviour , that I was on the point of slinking off , to think how I had best proceed , when there came out of the house a lady with her handkerchief tied over her cap , and a pair of gardening gloves on her hands , wearing a gardening pocket like a toll-man 's apron , and carrying a great knife . I knew her immediately to be Miss Betsey , for she came stalking out of the house exactly as my poor mother had so often described her stalking up our garden at Blunderstone Rookery . 'Go away ! ' said Miss Betsey , shaking her head , and making a distant chop in the air with her knife . 'Go along ! No boys here ! ' I watched her , with my heart at my lips , as she marched to a corner of her garden , and stooped to dig up some little root there . Then , without a scrap of courage , but with a great deal of desperation , I went softly in and stood beside her , touching her with my finger . 'If you please , ma'am , ' I began . She started and looked up . 'If you please , aunt . ' 'EH ? ' exclaimed Miss Betsey , in a tone of amazement I have never heard approached . 'If you please , aunt , I am your nephew . ' 'Oh , Lord ! ' said my aunt . And sat flat down in the garden-path . 'I am David Copperfield , of Blunderstone , in Suffolk -- where you came , on the night when I was born , and saw my dear mama . I have been very unhappy since she died . I have been slighted , and taught nothing , and thrown upon myself , and put to work not fit for me . It made me run away to you . I was robbed at first setting out , and have walked all the way , and have never slept in a bed since I began the journey . ' Here my self-support gave way all at once ; and with a movement of my hands , intended to show her my ragged state , and call it to witness that I had suffered something , I broke into a passion of crying , which I suppose had been pent up within me all the week . My aunt , with every sort of expression but wonder discharged from her countenance , sat on the gravel , staring at me , until I began to cry ; when she got up in a great hurry , collared me , and took me into the parlour . Her first proceeding there was to unlock a tall press , bring out several bottles , and pour some of the contents of each into my mouth . I think they must have been taken out at random , for I am sure I tasted aniseed water , anchovy sauce , and salad dressing . When she had administered these restoratives , as I was still quite hysterical , and unable to control my sobs , she put me on the sofa , with a shawl under my head , and the handkerchief from her own head under my feet , lest I should sully the cover ; and then , sitting herself down behind the green fan or screen I have already mentioned , so that I could not see her face , ejaculated at intervals , 'Mercy on us ! ' letting those exclamations off like minute guns . After a time she rang the bell . 'Janet , ' said my aunt , when her servant came in . 'Go upstairs , give my compliments to Mr. Dick , and say I wish to speak to him . ' Janet looked a little surprised to see me lying stiffly on the sofa ( I was afraid to move lest it should be displeasing to my aunt ) , but went on her errand . My aunt , with her hands behind her , walked up and down the room , until the gentleman who had squinted at me from the upper window came in laughing . 'Mr . Dick , ' said my aunt , 'do n't be a fool , because nobody can be more discreet than you can , when you choose . We all know that . So do n't be a fool , whatever you are . ' The gentleman was serious immediately , and looked at me , I thought , as if he would entreat me to say nothing about the window . 'Mr . Dick , ' said my aunt , 'you have heard me mention David Copperfield ? Now do n't pretend not to have a memory , because you and I know better . ' 'David Copperfield ? ' said Mr. Dick , who did not appear to me to remember much about it . 'David Copperfield ? Oh yes , to be sure . David , certainly . ' 'Well , ' said my aunt , 'this is his boy -- his son . He would be as like his father as it 's possible to be , if he was not so like his mother , too . ' 'His son ? ' said Mr. Dick . 'David 's son ? Indeed ! ' 'Yes , ' pursued my aunt , 'and he has done a pretty piece of business . He has run away . Ah ! His sister , Betsey Trotwood , never would have run away . ' My aunt shook her head firmly , confident in the character and behaviour of the girl who never was born . 'Oh ! you think she would n't have run away ? ' said Mr. Dick . 'Bless and save the man , ' exclaimed my aunt , sharply , 'how he talks ! Do n't I know she would n't ? She would have lived with her god-mother , and we should have been devoted to one another . Where , in the name of wonder , should his sister , Betsey Trotwood , have run from , or to ? ' 'Nowhere , ' said Mr. Dick . 'Well then , ' returned my aunt , softened by the reply , 'how can you pretend to be wool-gathering , Dick , when you are as sharp as a surgeon's lancet ? Now , here you see young David Copperfield , and the question I put to you is , what shall I do with him ? ' 'What shall you do with him ? ' said Mr. Dick , feebly , scratching his head . 'Oh ! do with him ? ' 'Yes , ' said my aunt , with a grave look , and her forefinger held up . 'Come ! I want some very sound advice . ' 'Why , if I was you , ' said Mr. Dick , considering , and looking vacantly at me , 'I should -- ' The contemplation of me seemed to inspire him with a sudden idea , and he added , briskly , 'I should wash him ! ' 'Janet , ' said my aunt , turning round with a quiet triumph , which I did not then understand , 'Mr . Dick sets us all right . Heat the bath ! ' Although I was deeply interested in this dialogue , I could not help observing my aunt , Mr. Dick , and Janet , while it was in progress , and completing a survey I had already been engaged in making of the room . My aunt was a tall , hard-featured lady , but by no means ill-looking . There was an inflexibility in her face , in her voice , in her gait and carriage , amply sufficient to account for the effect she had made upon a gentle creature like my mother ; but her features were rather handsome than otherwise , though unbending and austere . I particularly noticed that she had a very quick , bright eye . Her hair , which was grey , was arranged in two plain divisions , under what I believe would be called a mob-cap ; I mean a cap , much more common then than now , with side-pieces fastening under the chin . Her dress was of a lavender colour , and perfectly neat ; but scantily made , as if she desired to be as little encumbered as possible . I remember that I thought it , in form , more like a riding-habit with the superfluous skirt cut off , than anything else . She wore at her side a gentleman 's gold watch , if I might judge from its size and make , with an appropriate chain and seals ; she had some linen at her throat not unlike a shirt-collar , and things at her wrists like little shirt-wristbands . Mr. Dick , as I have already said , was grey-headed , and florid : I should have said all about him , in saying so , had not his head been curiously bowed -- not by age ; it reminded me of one of Mr. Creakle 's boys ' heads after a beating -- and his grey eyes prominent and large , with a strange kind of watery brightness in them that made me , in combination with his vacant manner , his submission to my aunt , and his childish delight when she praised him , suspect him of being a little mad ; though , if he were mad , how he came to be there puzzled me extremely . He was dressed like any other ordinary gentleman , in a loose grey morning coat and waistcoat , and white trousers ; and had his watch in his fob , and his money in his pockets : which he rattled as if he were very proud of it . Janet was a pretty blooming girl , of about nineteen or twenty , and a perfect picture of neatness . Though I made no further observation of her at the moment , I may mention here what I did not discover until afterwards , namely , that she was one of a series of protegees whom my aunt had taken into her service expressly to educate in a renouncement of mankind , and who had generally completed their abjuration by marrying the baker . The room was as neat as Janet or my aunt . As I laid down my pen , a moment since , to think of it , the air from the sea came blowing in again , mixed with the perfume of the flowers ; and I saw the old-fashioned furniture brightly rubbed and polished , my aunt's inviolable chair and table by the round green fan in the bow-window , the drugget-covered carpet , the cat , the kettle-holder , the two canaries , the old china , the punchbowl full of dried rose-leaves , the tall press guarding all sorts of bottles and pots , and , wonderfully out of keeping with the rest , my dusty self upon the sofa , taking note of everything . Janet had gone away to get the bath ready , when my aunt , to my great alarm , became in one moment rigid with indignation , and had hardly voice to cry out , 'Janet ! Donkeys ! ' Upon which , Janet came running up the stairs as if the house were in flames , darted out on a little piece of green in front , and warned off two saddle-donkeys , lady-ridden , that had presumed to set hoof upon it ; while my aunt , rushing out of the house , seized the bridle of a third animal laden with a bestriding child , turned him , led him forth from those sacred precincts , and boxed the ears of the unlucky urchin in attendance who had dared to profane that hallowed ground . To this hour I do n't know whether my aunt had any lawful right of way over that patch of green ; but she had settled it in her own mind that she had , and it was all the same to her . The one great outrage of her life , demanding to be constantly avenged , was the passage of a donkey over that immaculate spot . In whatever occupation she was engaged , however interesting to her the conversation in which she was taking part , a donkey turned the current of her ideas in a moment , and she was upon him straight . Jugs of water , and watering-pots , were kept in secret places ready to be discharged on the offending boys ; sticks were laid in ambush behind the door ; sallies were made at all hours ; and incessant war prevailed . Perhaps this was an agreeable excitement to the donkey-boys ; or perhaps the more sagacious of the donkeys , understanding how the case stood , delighted with constitutional obstinacy in coming that way . I only know that there were three alarms before the bath was ready ; and that on the occasion of the last and most desperate of all , I saw my aunt engage , single-handed , with a sandy-headed lad of fifteen , and bump his sandy head against her own gate , before he seemed to comprehend what was the matter . These interruptions were of the more ridiculous to me , because she was giving me broth out of a table-spoon at the time ( having firmly persuaded herself that I was actually starving , and must receive nourishment at first in very small quantities ) , and , while my mouth was yet open to receive the spoon , she would put it back into the basin , cry 'Janet ! Donkeys ! ' and go out to the assault . The bath was a great comfort . For I began to be sensible of acute pains in my limbs from lying out in the fields , and was now so tired and low that I could hardly keep myself awake for five minutes together . When I had bathed , they ( I mean my aunt and Janet ) enrobed me in a shirt and a pair of trousers belonging to Mr. Dick , and tied me up in two or three great shawls . What sort of bundle I looked like , I do n't know , but I felt a very hot one . Feeling also very faint and drowsy , I soon lay down on the sofa again and fell asleep . It might have been a dream , originating in the fancy which had occupied my mind so long , but I awoke with the impression that my aunt had come and bent over me , and had put my hair away from my face , and laid my head more comfortably , and had then stood looking at me . The words , 'Pretty fellow , ' or 'Poor fellow , ' seemed to be in my ears , too ; but certainly there was nothing else , when I awoke , to lead me to believe that they had been uttered by my aunt , who sat in the bow-window gazing at the sea from behind the green fan , which was mounted on a kind of swivel , and turned any way . We dined soon after I awoke , off a roast fowl and a pudding ; I sitting at table , not unlike a trussed bird myself , and moving my arms with considerable difficulty . But as my aunt had swathed me up , I made no complaint of being inconvenienced . All this time I was deeply anxious to know what she was going to do with me ; but she took her dinner in profound silence , except when she occasionally fixed her eyes on me sitting opposite , and said , 'Mercy upon us ! ' which did not by any means relieve my anxiety . The cloth being drawn , and some sherry put upon the table ( of which I had a glass ) , my aunt sent up for Mr. Dick again , who joined us , and looked as wise as he could when she requested him to attend to my story , which she elicited from me , gradually , by a course of questions . During my recital , she kept her eyes on Mr. Dick , who I thought would have gone to sleep but for that , and who , whensoever he lapsed into a smile , was checked by a frown from my aunt . 'Whatever possessed that poor unfortunate Baby , that she must go and be married again , ' said my aunt , when I had finished , 'I ca n't conceive . ' 'Perhaps she fell in love with her second husband , ' Mr. Dick suggested . 'Fell in love ! ' repeated my aunt . 'What do you mean ? What business had she to do it ? ' 'Perhaps , ' Mr. Dick simpered , after thinking a little , 'she did it for pleasure . ' 'Pleasure , indeed ! ' replied my aunt . 'A mighty pleasure for the poor Baby to fix her simple faith upon any dog of a fellow , certain to ill-use her in some way or other . What did she propose to herself , I should like to know ! She had had one husband . She had seen David Copperfield out of the world , who was always running after wax dolls from his cradle . She had got a baby -- oh , there were a pair of babies when she gave birth to this child sitting here , that Friday night ! -- and what more did she want ? ' Mr. Dick secretly shook his head at me , as if he thought there was no getting over this . 'She could n't even have a baby like anybody else , ' said my aunt . 'Where was this child 's sister , Betsey Trotwood ? Not forthcoming . Do n't tell me ! ' Mr. Dick seemed quite frightened . 'That little man of a doctor , with his head on one side , ' said my aunt , 'Jellips , or whatever his name was , what was he about ? All he could do , was to say to me , like a robin redbreast -- as he is -- '' It 's a boy . '' A boy ! Yah , the imbecility of the whole set of 'em ! ' The heartiness of the ejaculation startled Mr. Dick exceedingly ; and me , too , if I am to tell the truth . 'And then , as if this was not enough , and she had not stood sufficiently in the light of this child 's sister , Betsey Trotwood , ' said my aunt , 'she marries a second time -- goes and marries a Murderer -- or a man with a name like it -- and stands in THIS child 's light ! And the natural consequence is , as anybody but a baby might have foreseen , that he prowls and wanders . He 's as like Cain before he was grown up , as he can be . ' Mr. Dick looked hard at me , as if to identify me in this character . 'And then there 's that woman with the Pagan name , ' said my aunt , 'that Peggotty , she goes and gets married next . Because she has not seen enough of the evil attending such things , she goes and gets married next , as the child relates . I only hope , ' said my aunt , shaking her head , 'that her husband is one of those Poker husbands who abound in the newspapers , and will beat her well with one . ' I could not bear to hear my old nurse so decried , and made the subject of such a wish . I told my aunt that indeed she was mistaken . That Peggotty was the best , the truest , the most faithful , most devoted , and most self-denying friend and servant in the world ; who had ever loved me dearly , who had ever loved my mother dearly ; who had held my mother's dying head upon her arm , on whose face my mother had imprinted her last grateful kiss . And my remembrance of them both , choking me , I broke down as I was trying to say that her home was my home , and that all she had was mine , and that I would have gone to her for shelter , but for her humble station , which made me fear that I might bring some trouble on her -- I broke down , I say , as I was trying to say so , and laid my face in my hands upon the table . 'Well , well ! ' said my aunt , 'the child is right to stand by those who have stood by him -- Janet ! Donkeys ! ' I thoroughly believe that but for those unfortunate donkeys , we should have come to a good understanding ; for my aunt had laid her hand on my shoulder , and the impulse was upon me , thus emboldened , to embrace her and beseech her protection . But the interruption , and the disorder she was thrown into by the struggle outside , put an end to all softer ideas for the present , and kept my aunt indignantly declaiming to Mr. Dick about her determination to appeal for redress to the laws of her country , and to bring actions for trespass against the whole donkey proprietorship of Dover , until tea-time . After tea , we sat at the window -- on the look-out , as I imagined , from my aunt 's sharp expression of face , for more invaders -- until dusk , when Janet set candles , and a backgammon-board , on the table , and pulled down the blinds . 'Now , Mr. Dick , ' said my aunt , with her grave look , and her forefinger up as before , 'I am going to ask you another question . Look at this child . ' 'David 's son ? ' said Mr. Dick , with an attentive , puzzled face . 'Exactly so , ' returned my aunt . 'What would you do with him , now ? ' 'Do with David 's son ? ' said Mr. Dick . 'Ay , ' replied my aunt , 'with David 's son . ' 'Oh ! ' said Mr. Dick . 'Yes . Do with -- I should put him to bed . ' 'Janet ! ' cried my aunt , with the same complacent triumph that I had remarked before . 'Mr . Dick sets us all right . If the bed is ready , we'll take him up to it . ' Janet reporting it to be quite ready , I was taken up to it ; kindly , but in some sort like a prisoner ; my aunt going in front and Janet bringing up the rear . The only circumstance which gave me any new hope , was my aunt 's stopping on the stairs to inquire about a smell of fire that was prevalent there ; and janet 's replying that she had been making tinder down in the kitchen , of my old shirt . But there were no other clothes in my room than the odd heap of things I wore ; and when I was left there , with a little taper which my aunt forewarned me would burn exactly five minutes , I heard them lock my door on the outside . Turning these things over in my mind I deemed it possible that my aunt , who could know nothing of me , might suspect I had a habit of running away , and took precautions , on that account , to have me in safe keeping . The room was a pleasant one , at the top of the house , overlooking the sea , on which the moon was shining brilliantly . After I had said my prayers , and the candle had burnt out , I remember how I still sat looking at the moonlight on the water , as if I could hope to read my fortune in it , as in a bright book ; or to see my mother with her child , coming from Heaven , along that shining path , to look upon me as she had looked when I last saw her sweet face . I remember how the solemn feeling with which at length I turned my eyes away , yielded to the sensation of gratitude and rest which the sight of the white-curtained bed -- and how much more the lying softly down upon it , nestling in the snow-white sheets ! -- inspired . I remember how I thought of all the solitary places under the night sky where I had slept , and how I prayed that I never might be houseless any more , and never might forget the houseless . I remember how I seemed to float , then , down the melancholy glory of that track upon the sea , away into the world of dreams . CHAPTER 14 . MY AUNT MAKES UP HER MIND ABOUT ME On going down in the morning , I found my aunt musing so profoundly over the breakfast table , with her elbow on the tray , that the contents of the urn had overflowed the teapot and were laying the whole table-cloth under water , when my entrance put her meditations to flight . I felt sure that I had been the subject of her reflections , and was more than ever anxious to know her intentions towards me . Yet I dared not express my anxiety , lest it should give her offence . My eyes , however , not being so much under control as my tongue , were attracted towards my aunt very often during breakfast . I never could look at her for a few moments together but I found her looking at me -- in an odd thoughtful manner , as if I were an immense way off , instead of being on the other side of the small round table . When she had finished her breakfast , my aunt very deliberately leaned back in her chair , knitted her brows , folded her arms , and contemplated me at her leisure , with such a fixedness of attention that I was quite overpowered by embarrassment . Not having as yet finished my own breakfast , I attempted to hide my confusion by proceeding with it ; but my knife tumbled over my fork , my fork tripped up my knife , I chipped bits of bacon a surprising height into the air instead of cutting them for my own eating , and choked myself with my tea , which persisted in going the wrong way instead of the right one , until I gave in altogether , and sat blushing under my aunt 's close scrutiny . 'Hallo ! ' said my aunt , after a long time . I looked up , and met her sharp bright glance respectfully . 'I have written to him , ' said my aunt . 'To -- ? ' 'To your father-in-law , ' said my aunt . 'I have sent him a letter that I 'll trouble him to attend to , or he and I will fall out , I can tell him ! ' 'Does he know where I am , aunt ? ' I inquired , alarmed . 'I have told him , ' said my aunt , with a nod . 'Shall I -- be -- given up to him ? ' I faltered . 'I do n't know , ' said my aunt . 'We shall see . ' 'Oh ! I ca n't think what I shall do , ' I exclaimed , 'if I have to go back to Mr . Murdstone ! ' 'I do n't know anything about it , ' said my aunt , shaking her head . 'I ca n't say , I am sure . We shall see . ' My spirits sank under these words , and I became very downcast and heavy of heart . My aunt , without appearing to take much heed of me , put on a coarse apron with a bib , which she took out of the press ; washed up the teacups with her own hands ; and , when everything was washed and set in the tray again , and the cloth folded and put on the top of the whole , rang for Janet to remove it . She next swept up the crumbs with a little broom ( putting on a pair of gloves first ) , until there did not appear to be one microscopic speck left on the carpet ; next dusted and arranged the room , which was dusted and arranged to a hair 's breadth already . When all these tasks were performed to her satisfaction , she took off the gloves and apron , folded them up , put them in the particular corner of the press from which they had been taken , brought out her work-box to her own table in the open window , and sat down , with the green fan between her and the light , to work . 'I wish you 'd go upstairs , ' said my aunt , as she threaded her needle , 'and give my compliments to Mr. Dick , and I 'll be glad to know how he gets on with his Memorial . ' I rose with all alacrity , to acquit myself of this commission . 'I suppose , ' said my aunt , eyeing me as narrowly as she had eyed the needle in threading it , 'you think Mr. Dick a short name , eh ? ' 'I thought it was rather a short name , yesterday , ' I confessed . 'You are not to suppose that he has n't got a longer name , if he chose to use it , ' said my aunt , with a loftier air . 'Babley -- Mr. Richard Babley -- that 's the gentleman 's true name . ' I was going to suggest , with a modest sense of my youth and the familiarity I had been already guilty of , that I had better give him the full benefit of that name , when my aunt went on to say : 'But do n't you call him by it , whatever you do . He ca n't bear his name . That 's a peculiarity of his . Though I do n't know that it 's much of a peculiarity , either ; for he has been ill-used enough , by some that bear it , to have a mortal antipathy for it , Heaven knows . Mr. Dick is his name here , and everywhere else , now -- if he ever went anywhere else , which he do n't . So take care , child , you do n't call him anything BUT Mr . Dick . ' I promised to obey , and went upstairs with my message ; thinking , as I went , that if Mr. Dick had been working at his Memorial long , at the same rate as I had seen him working at it , through the open door , when I came down , he was probably getting on very well indeed . I found him still driving at it with a long pen , and his head almost laid upon the paper . He was so intent upon it , that I had ample leisure to observe the large paper kite in a corner , the confusion of bundles of manuscript , the number of pens , and , above all , the quantity of ink ( which he seemed to have in , in half-gallon jars by the dozen ) , before he observed my being present . 'Ha ! Phoebus ! ' said Mr. Dick , laying down his pen . 'How does the world go ? I 'll tell you what , ' he added , in a lower tone , 'I should n't wish it to be mentioned , but it 's a -- ' here he beckoned to me , and put his lips close to my ear -- 'it 's a mad world . Mad as Bedlam , boy ! ' said Mr. Dick , taking snuff from a round box on the table , and laughing heartily . Without presuming to give my opinion on this question , I delivered my message . 'Well , ' said Mr. Dick , in answer , 'my compliments to her , and I -- I believe I have made a start . I think I have made a start , ' said Mr. Dick , passing his hand among his grey hair , and casting anything but a confident look at his manuscript . 'You have been to school ? ' 'Yes , sir , ' I answered ; 'for a short time . ' 'Do you recollect the date , ' said Mr. Dick , looking earnestly at me , and taking up his pen to note it down , 'when King Charles the First had his head cut off ? ' I said I believed it happened in the year sixteen hundred and forty-nine . 'Well , ' returned Mr. Dick , scratching his ear with his pen , and looking dubiously at me . 'So the books say ; but I do n't see how that can be . Because , if it was so long ago , how could the people about him have made that mistake of putting some of the trouble out of his head , after it was taken off , into mine ? ' I was very much surprised by the inquiry ; but could give no information on this point . 'It 's very strange , ' said Mr. Dick , with a despondent look upon his papers , and with his hand among his hair again , 'that I never can get that quite right . I never can make that perfectly clear . But no matter , no matter ! ' he said cheerfully , and rousing himself , 'there 's time enough ! My compliments to Miss Trotwood , I am getting on very well indeed . ' I was going away , when he directed my attention to the kite . 'What do you think of that for a kite ? ' he said . I answered that it was a beautiful one . I should think it must have been as much as seven feet high . 'I made it . We 'll go and fly it , you and I , ' said Mr. Dick . 'Do you see this ? ' He showed me that it was covered with manuscript , very closely and laboriously written ; but so plainly , that as I looked along the lines , I thought I saw some allusion to King Charles the First 's head again , in one or two places . 'There 's plenty of string , ' said Mr. Dick , 'and when it flies high , it takes the facts a long way . That 's my manner of diffusing 'em . I don't know where they may come down . It 's according to circumstances , and the wind , and so forth ; but I take my chance of that . ' His face was so very mild and pleasant , and had something so reverend in it , though it was hale and hearty , that I was not sure but that he was having a good-humoured jest with me . So I laughed , and he laughed , and we parted the best friends possible . 'Well , child , ' said my aunt , when I went downstairs . 'And what of Mr. Dick , this morning ? ' I informed her that he sent his compliments , and was getting on very well indeed . 'What do you think of him ? ' said my aunt . I had some shadowy idea of endeavouring to evade the question , by replying that I thought him a very nice gentleman ; but my aunt was not to be so put off , for she laid her work down in her lap , and said , folding her hands upon it : 'Come ! Your sister Betsey Trotwood would have told me what she thought of anyone , directly . Be as like your sister as you can , and speak out ! ' 'Is he -- is Mr. Dick -- I ask because I do n't know , aunt -- is he at all out of his mind , then ? ' I stammered ; for I felt I was on dangerous ground . 'Not a morsel , ' said my aunt . 'Oh , indeed ! ' I observed faintly . 'If there is anything in the world , ' said my aunt , with great decision and force of manner , 'that Mr. Dick is not , it 's that . ' I had nothing better to offer , than another timid , 'Oh , indeed ! ' 'He has been CALLED mad , ' said my aunt . 'I have a selfish pleasure in saying he has been called mad , or I should not have had the benefit of his society and advice for these last ten years and upwards -- in fact , ever since your sister , Betsey Trotwood , disappointed me . ' 'So long as that ? ' I said . 'And nice people they were , who had the audacity to call him mad , ' pursued my aunt . 'Mr . Dick is a sort of distant connexion of mine -- it does n't matter how ; I need n't enter into that . If it had n't been for me , his own brother would have shut him up for life . That 's all . ' I am afraid it was hypocritical in me , but seeing that my aunt felt strongly on the subject , I tried to look as if I felt strongly too . 'A proud fool ! ' said my aunt . 'Because his brother was a little eccentric -- though he is not half so eccentric as a good many people -- he did n't like to have him visible about his house , and sent him away to some private asylum-place : though he had been left to his particular care by their deceased father , who thought him almost a natural . And a wise man he must have been to think so ! Mad himself , no doubt . ' Again , as my aunt looked quite convinced , I endeavoured to look quite convinced also . 'So I stepped in , ' said my aunt , 'and made him an offer . I said , `` Your brother 's sane -- a great deal more sane than you are , or ever will be , it is to be hoped . Let him have his little income , and come and live with me . I am not afraid of him , I am not proud , I am ready to take care of him , and shall not ill-treat him as some people ( besides the asylum-folks ) have done . '' After a good deal of squabbling , ' said my aunt , 'I got him ; and he has been here ever since . He is the most friendly and amenable creature in existence ; and as for advice ! -- But nobody knows what that man 's mind is , except myself . ' My aunt smoothed her dress and shook her head , as if she smoothed defiance of the whole world out of the one , and shook it out of the other . 'He had a favourite sister , ' said my aunt , 'a good creature , and very kind to him . But she did what they all do -- took a husband . And HE did what they all do -- made her wretched . It had such an effect upon the mind of Mr. Dick ( that 's not madness , I hope ! ) that , combined with his fear of his brother , and his sense of his unkindness , it threw him into a fever . That was before he came to me , but the recollection of it is oppressive to him even now . Did he say anything to you about King Charles the First , child ? ' 'Yes , aunt . ' 'Ah ! ' said my aunt , rubbing her nose as if she were a little vexed . 'That 's his allegorical way of expressing it . He connects his illness with great disturbance and agitation , naturally , and that 's the figure , or the simile , or whatever it 's called , which he chooses to use . And why should n't he , if he thinks proper ! ' I said : 'Certainly , aunt . ' 'It 's not a business-like way of speaking , ' said my aunt , 'nor a worldly way . I am aware of that ; and that 's the reason why I insist upon it , that there sha n't be a word about it in his Memorial . ' 'Is it a Memorial about his own history that he is writing , aunt ? ' 'Yes , child , ' said my aunt , rubbing her nose again . 'He is memorializing the Lord Chancellor , or the Lord Somebody or other -- one of those people , at all events , who are paid to be memorialized -- about his affairs . I suppose it will go in , one of these days . He has n't been able to draw it up yet , without introducing that mode of expressing himself ; but it do n't signify ; it keeps him employed . ' In fact , I found out afterwards that Mr. Dick had been for upwards of ten years endeavouring to keep King Charles the First out of the Memorial ; but he had been constantly getting into it , and was there now . 'I say again , ' said my aunt , 'nobody knows what that man 's mind is except myself ; and he 's the most amenable and friendly creature in existence . If he likes to fly a kite sometimes , what of that ! Franklin used to fly a kite . He was a Quaker , or something of that sort , if I am not mistaken . And a Quaker flying a kite is a much more ridiculous object than anybody else . ' If I could have supposed that my aunt had recounted these particulars for my especial behoof , and as a piece of confidence in me , I should have felt very much distinguished , and should have augured favourably from such a mark of her good opinion . But I could hardly help observing that she had launched into them , chiefly because the question was raised in her own mind , and with very little reference to me , though she had addressed herself to me in the absence of anybody else . At the same time , I must say that the generosity of her championship of poor harmless Mr. Dick , not only inspired my young breast with some selfish hope for myself , but warmed it unselfishly towards her . I believe that I began to know that there was something about my aunt , notwithstanding her many eccentricities and odd humours , to be honoured and trusted in . Though she was just as sharp that day as on the day before , and was in and out about the donkeys just as often , and was thrown into a tremendous state of indignation , when a young man , going by , ogled Janet at a window ( which was one of the gravest misdemeanours that could be committed against my aunt 's dignity ) , she seemed to me to command more of my respect , if not less of my fear . The anxiety I underwent , in the interval which necessarily elapsed before a reply could be received to her letter to Mr. Murdstone , was extreme ; but I made an endeavour to suppress it , and to be as agreeable as I could in a quiet way , both to my aunt and Mr. Dick . The latter and I would have gone out to fly the great kite ; but that I had still no other clothes than the anything but ornamental garments with which I had been decorated on the first day , and which confined me to the house , except for an hour after dark , when my aunt , for my health 's sake , paraded me up and down on the cliff outside , before going to bed . At length the reply from Mr. Murdstone came , and my aunt informed me , to my infinite terror , that he was coming to speak to her herself on the next day . On the next day , still bundled up in my curious habiliments , I sat counting the time , flushed and heated by the conflict of sinking hopes and rising fears within me ; and waiting to be startled by the sight of the gloomy face , whose non-arrival startled me every minute . My aunt was a little more imperious and stern than usual , but I observed no other token of her preparing herself to receive the visitor so much dreaded by me . She sat at work in the window , and I sat by , with my thoughts running astray on all possible and impossible results of Mr. Murdstone 's visit , until pretty late in the afternoon . Our dinner had been indefinitely postponed ; but it was growing so late , that my aunt had ordered it to be got ready , when she gave a sudden alarm of donkeys , and to my consternation and amazement , I beheld Miss Murdstone , on a side-saddle , ride deliberately over the sacred piece of green , and stop in front of the house , looking about her . 'Go along with you ! ' cried my aunt , shaking her head and her fist at the window . 'You have no business there . How dare you trespass ? Go along ! Oh ! you bold-faced thing ! ' My aunt was so exasperated by the coolness with which Miss Murdstone looked about her , that I really believe she was motionless , and unable for the moment to dart out according to custom . I seized the opportunity to inform her who it was ; and that the gentleman now coming near the offender ( for the way up was very steep , and he had dropped behind ) , was Mr. Murdstone himself . 'I do n't care who it is ! ' cried my aunt , still shaking her head and gesticulating anything but welcome from the bow-window . 'I wo n't be trespassed upon . I wo n't allow it . Go away ! Janet , turn him round . Lead him off ! ' and I saw , from behind my aunt , a sort of hurried battle-piece , in which the donkey stood resisting everybody , with all his four legs planted different ways , while Janet tried to pull him round by the bridle , Mr. Murdstone tried to lead him on , Miss Murdstone struck at Janet with a parasol , and several boys , who had come to see the engagement , shouted vigorously . But my aunt , suddenly descrying among them the young malefactor who was the donkey 's guardian , and who was one of the most inveterate offenders against her , though hardly in his teens , rushed out to the scene of action , pounced upon him , captured him , dragged him , with his jacket over his head , and his heels grinding the ground , into the garden , and , calling upon Janet to fetch the constables and justices , that he might be taken , tried , and executed on the spot , held him at bay there . This part of the business , however , did not last long ; for the young rascal , being expert at a variety of feints and dodges , of which my aunt had no conception , soon went whooping away , leaving some deep impressions of his nailed boots in the flower-beds , and taking his donkey in triumph with him . Miss Murdstone , during the latter portion of the contest , had dismounted , and was now waiting with her brother at the bottom of the steps , until my aunt should be at leisure to receive them . My aunt , a little ruffled by the combat , marched past them into the house , with great dignity , and took no notice of their presence , until they were announced by Janet . 'Shall I go away , aunt ? ' I asked , trembling . 'No , sir , ' said my aunt . 'Certainly not ! ' With which she pushed me into a corner near her , and fenced Me in with a chair , as if it were a prison or a bar of justice . This position I continued to occupy during the whole interview , and from it I now saw Mr. and Miss Murdstone enter the room . 'Oh ! ' said my aunt , 'I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting . But I do n't allow anybody to ride over that turf . I make no exceptions . I do n't allow anybody to do it . ' 'Your regulation is rather awkward to strangers , ' said Miss Murdstone . 'Is it ! ' said my aunt . Mr. Murdstone seemed afraid of a renewal of hostilities , and interposing began : 'Miss Trotwood ! ' 'I beg your pardon , ' observed my aunt with a keen look . 'You are the Mr. Murdstone who married the widow of my late nephew , David Copperfield , of Blunderstone Rookery ! -- Though why Rookery , I do n't know ! ' 'I am , ' said Mr. Murdstone . 'You 'll excuse my saying , sir , ' returned my aunt , 'that I think it would have been a much better and happier thing if you had left that poor child alone . ' 'I so far agree with what Miss Trotwood has remarked , ' observed Miss Murdstone , bridling , 'that I consider our lamented Clara to have been , in all essential respects , a mere child . ' 'It is a comfort to you and me , ma'am , ' said my aunt , 'who are getting on in life , and are not likely to be made unhappy by our personal attractions , that nobody can say the same of us . ' 'No doubt ! ' returned Miss Murdstone , though , I thought , not with a very ready or gracious assent . 'And it certainly might have been , as you say , a better and happier thing for my brother if he had never entered into such a marriage . I have always been of that opinion . ' 'I have no doubt you have , ' said my aunt . 'Janet , ' ringing the bell , 'my compliments to Mr. Dick , and beg him to come down . ' Until he came , my aunt sat perfectly upright and stiff , frowning at the wall . When he came , my aunt performed the ceremony of introduction . 'Mr . Dick . An old and intimate friend . On whose judgement , ' said my aunt , with emphasis , as an admonition to Mr. Dick , who was biting his forefinger and looking rather foolish , 'I rely . ' Mr. Dick took his finger out of his mouth , on this hint , and stood among the group , with a grave and attentive expression of face . My aunt inclined her head to Mr. Murdstone , who went on : 'Miss Trotwood : on the receipt of your letter , I considered it an act of greater justice to myself , and perhaps of more respect to you -- ' 'Thank you , ' said my aunt , still eyeing him keenly . 'You need n't mind me . ' 'To answer it in person , however inconvenient the journey , ' pursued Mr. Murdstone , 'rather than by letter . This unhappy boy who has run away from his friends and his occupation -- ' 'And whose appearance , ' interposed his sister , directing general attention to me in my indefinable costume , 'is perfectly scandalous and disgraceful . ' 'Jane Murdstone , ' said her brother , 'have the goodness not to interrupt me . This unhappy boy , Miss Trotwood , has been the occasion of much domestic trouble and uneasiness ; both during the lifetime of my late dear wife , and since . He has a sullen , rebellious spirit ; a violent temper ; and an untoward , intractable disposition . Both my sister and myself have endeavoured to correct his vices , but ineffectually . And I have felt -- we both have felt , I may say ; my sister being fully in my confidence -- that it is right you should receive this grave and dispassionate assurance from our lips . ' 'It can hardly be necessary for me to confirm anything stated by my brother , ' said Miss Murdstone ; 'but I beg to observe , that , of all the boys in the world , I believe this is the worst boy . ' 'Strong ! ' said my aunt , shortly . 'But not at all too strong for the facts , ' returned Miss Murdstone . 'Ha ! ' said my aunt . 'Well , sir ? ' 'I have my own opinions , ' resumed Mr. Murdstone , whose face darkened more and more , the more he and my aunt observed each other , which they did very narrowly , 'as to the best mode of bringing him up ; they are founded , in part , on my knowledge of him , and in part on my knowledge of my own means and resources . I am responsible for them to myself , I act upon them , and I say no more about them . It is enough that I place this boy under the eye of a friend of my own , in a respectable business ; that it does not please him ; that he runs away from it ; makes himself a common vagabond about the country ; and comes here , in rags , to appeal to you , Miss Trotwood . I wish to set before you , honourably , the exact consequences -- so far as they are within my knowledge -- of your abetting him in this appeal . ' 'But about the respectable business first , ' said my aunt . 'If he had been your own boy , you would have put him to it , just the same , I suppose ? ' 'If he had been my brother 's own boy , ' returned Miss Murdstone , striking in , 'his character , I trust , would have been altogether different . ' 'Or if the poor child , his mother , had been alive , he would still have gone into the respectable business , would he ? ' said my aunt . 'I believe , ' said Mr. Murdstone , with an inclination of his head , 'that Clara would have disputed nothing which myself and my sister Jane Murdstone were agreed was for the best . ' Miss Murdstone confirmed this with an audible murmur . 'Humph ! ' said my aunt . 'Unfortunate baby ! ' Mr. Dick , who had been rattling his money all this time , was rattling it so loudly now , that my aunt felt it necessary to check him with a look , before saying : 'The poor child 's annuity died with her ? ' 'Died with her , ' replied Mr. Murdstone . 'And there was no settlement of the little property -- the house and garden -- the what's-its-name Rookery without any rooks in it -- upon her boy ? ' 'It had been left to her , unconditionally , by her first husband , ' Mr. Murdstone began , when my aunt caught him up with the greatest irascibility and impatience . 'Good Lord , man , there 's no occasion to say that . Left to her unconditionally ! I think I see David Copperfield looking forward to any condition of any sort or kind , though it stared him point-blank in the face ! Of course it was left to her unconditionally . But when she married again -- when she took that most disastrous step of marrying you , in short , ' said my aunt , 'to be plain -- did no one put in a word for the boy at that time ? ' 'My late wife loved her second husband , ma'am , ' said Mr. Murdstone , 'and trusted implicitly in him . ' 'Your late wife , sir , was a most unworldly , most unhappy , most unfortunate baby , ' returned my aunt , shaking her head at him . 'That's what she was . And now , what have you got to say next ? ' 'Merely this , Miss Trotwood , ' he returned . 'I am here to take David back -- to take him back unconditionally , to dispose of him as I think proper , and to deal with him as I think right . I am not here to make any promise , or give any pledge to anybody . You may possibly have some idea , Miss Trotwood , of abetting him in his running away , and in his complaints to you . Your manner , which I must say does not seem intended to propitiate , induces me to think it possible . Now I must caution you that if you abet him once , you abet him for good and all ; if you step in between him and me , now , you must step in , Miss Trotwood , for ever . I can not trifle , or be trifled with . I am here , for the first and last time , to take him away . Is he ready to go ? If he is not -- and you tell me he is not ; on any pretence ; it is indifferent to me what -- my doors are shut against him henceforth , and yours , I take it for granted , are open to him . ' To this address , my aunt had listened with the closest attention , sitting perfectly upright , with her hands folded on one knee , and looking grimly on the speaker . When he had finished , she turned her eyes so as to command Miss Murdstone , without otherwise disturbing her attitude , and said : 'Well , ma'am , have YOU got anything to remark ? ' 'Indeed , Miss Trotwood , ' said Miss Murdstone , 'all that I could say has been so well said by my brother , and all that I know to be the fact has been so plainly stated by him , that I have nothing to add except my thanks for your politeness . For your very great politeness , I am sure , ' said Miss Murdstone ; with an irony which no more affected my aunt , than it discomposed the cannon I had slept by at Chatham . 'And what does the boy say ? ' said my aunt . 'Are you ready to go , David ? ' I answered no , and entreated her not to let me go . I said that neither Mr. nor Miss Murdstone had ever liked me , or had ever been kind to me . That they had made my mama , who always loved me dearly , unhappy about me , and that I knew it well , and that Peggotty knew it . I said that I had been more miserable than I thought anybody could believe , who only knew how young I was . And I begged and prayed my aunt -- I forget in what terms now , but I remember that they affected me very much then -- to befriend and protect me , for my father 's sake . 'Mr . Dick , ' said my aunt , 'what shall I do with this child ? ' Mr. Dick considered , hesitated , brightened , and rejoined , 'Have him measured for a suit of clothes directly . ' 'Mr . Dick , ' said my aunt triumphantly , 'give me your hand , for your common sense is invaluable . ' Having shaken it with great cordiality , she pulled me towards her and said to Mr. Murdstone : 'You can go when you like ; I 'll take my chance with the boy . If he 's all you say he is , at least I can do as much for him then , as you have done . But I do n't believe a word of it . ' 'Miss Trotwood , ' rejoined Mr. Murdstone , shrugging his shoulders , as he rose , 'if you were a gentleman -- ' 'Bah ! Stuff and nonsense ! ' said my aunt . 'Do n't talk to me ! ' 'How exquisitely polite ! ' exclaimed Miss Murdstone , rising . 'Overpowering , really ! ' 'Do you think I do n't know , ' said my aunt , turning a deaf ear to the sister , and continuing to address the brother , and to shake her head at him with infinite expression , 'what kind of life you must have led that poor , unhappy , misdirected baby ? Do you think I do n't know what a woeful day it was for the soft little creature when you first came in her way -- smirking and making great eyes at her , I 'll be bound , as if you could n't say boh ! to a goose ! ' 'I never heard anything so elegant ! ' said Miss Murdstone . 'Do you think I ca n't understand you as well as if I had seen you , ' pursued my aunt , 'now that I DO see and hear you -- which , I tell you candidly , is anything but a pleasure to me ? Oh yes , bless us ! who so smooth and silky as Mr. Murdstone at first ! The poor , benighted innocent had never seen such a man . He was made of sweetness . He worshipped her . He doted on her boy -- tenderly doted on him ! He was to be another father to him , and they were all to live together in a garden of roses , weren't they ? Ugh ! Get along with you , do ! ' said my aunt . 'I never heard anything like this person in my life ! ' exclaimed Miss Murdstone . 'And when you had made sure of the poor little fool , ' said my aunt -- 'God forgive me that I should call her so , and she gone where YOU wo n't go in a hurry -- because you had not done wrong enough to her and hers , you must begin to train her , must you ? begin to break her , like a poor caged bird , and wear her deluded life away , in teaching her to sing YOUR notes ? ' 'This is either insanity or intoxication , ' said Miss Murdstone , in a perfect agony at not being able to turn the current of my aunt 's address towards herself ; 'and my suspicion is that it 's intoxication . ' Miss Betsey , without taking the least notice of the interruption , continued to address herself to Mr. Murdstone as if there had been no such thing . 'Mr . Murdstone , ' she said , shaking her finger at him , 'you were a tyrant to the simple baby , and you broke her heart . She was a loving baby -- I know that ; I knew it , years before you ever saw her -- and through the best part of her weakness you gave her the wounds she died of . There is the truth for your comfort , however you like it . And you and your instruments may make the most of it . ' 'Allow me to inquire , Miss Trotwood , ' interposed Miss Murdstone , 'whom you are pleased to call , in a choice of words in which I am not experienced , my brother 's instruments ? ' 'It was clear enough , as I have told you , years before YOU ever saw her -- and why , in the mysterious dispensations of Providence , you ever did see her , is more than humanity can comprehend -- it was clear enough that the poor soft little thing would marry somebody , at some time or other ; but I did hope it would n't have been as bad as it has turned out . That was the time , Mr. Murdstone , when she gave birth to her boy here , ' said my aunt ; 'to the poor child you sometimes tormented her through afterwards , which is a disagreeable remembrance and makes the sight of him odious now . Aye , aye ! you need n't wince ! ' said my aunt . 'I know it's true without that . ' He had stood by the door , all this while , observant of her with a smile upon his face , though his black eyebrows were heavily contracted . I remarked now , that , though the smile was on his face still , his colour had gone in a moment , and he seemed to breathe as if he had been running . 'Good day , sir , ' said my aunt , 'and good-bye ! Good day to you , too , ma'am , ' said my aunt , turning suddenly upon his sister . 'Let me see you ride a donkey over my green again , and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders , I 'll knock your bonnet off , and tread upon it ! ' It would require a painter , and no common painter too , to depict my aunt 's face as she delivered herself of this very unexpected sentiment , and Miss Murdstone 's face as she heard it . But the manner of the speech , no less than the matter , was so fiery , that Miss Murdstone , without a word in answer , discreetly put her arm through her brother 's , and walked haughtily out of the cottage ; my aunt remaining in the window looking after them ; prepared , I have no doubt , in case of the donkey's reappearance , to carry her threat into instant execution . No attempt at defiance being made , however , her face gradually relaxed , and became so pleasant , that I was emboldened to kiss and thank her ; which I did with great heartiness , and with both my arms clasped round her neck . I then shook hands with Mr. Dick , who shook hands with me a great many times , and hailed this happy close of the proceedings with repeated bursts of laughter . 'You 'll consider yourself guardian , jointly with me , of this child , Mr. Dick , ' said my aunt . 'I shall be delighted , ' said Mr. Dick , 'to be the guardian of David's son . ' 'Very good , ' returned my aunt , 'that 's settled . I have been thinking , do you know , Mr. Dick , that I might call him Trotwood ? ' 'Certainly , certainly . Call him Trotwood , certainly , ' said Mr. Dick . 'David 's son 's Trotwood . ' 'Trotwood Copperfield , you mean , ' returned my aunt . 'Yes , to be sure . Yes . Trotwood Copperfield , ' said Mr. Dick , a little abashed . My aunt took so kindly to the notion , that some ready-made clothes , which were purchased for me that afternoon , were marked 'Trotwood Copperfield ' , in her own handwriting , and in indelible marking-ink , before I put them on ; and it was settled that all the other clothes which were ordered to be made for me ( a complete outfit was bespoke that afternoon ) should be marked in the same way . Thus I began my new life , in a new name , and with everything new about me . Now that the state of doubt was over , I felt , for many days , like one in a dream . I never thought that I had a curious couple of guardians , in my aunt and Mr. Dick . I never thought of anything about myself , distinctly . The two things clearest in my mind were , that a remoteness had come upon the old Blunderstone life -- which seemed to lie in the haze of an immeasurable distance ; and that a curtain had for ever fallen on my life at Murdstone and Grinby 's . No one has ever raised that curtain since . I have lifted it for a moment , even in this narrative , with a reluctant hand , and dropped it gladly . The remembrance of that life is fraught with so much pain to me , with so much mental suffering and want of hope , that I have never had the courage even to examine how long I was doomed to lead it . Whether it lasted for a year , or more , or less , I do not know . I only know that it was , and ceased to be ; and that I have written , and there I leave it . CHAPTER 15 . I MAKE ANOTHER BEGINNING Mr. Dick and I soon became the best of friends , and very often , when his day 's work was done , went out together to fly the great kite . Every day of his life he had a long sitting at the Memorial , which never made the least progress , however hard he laboured , for King Charles the First always strayed into it , sooner or later , and then it was thrown aside , and another one begun . The patience and hope with which he bore these perpetual disappointments , the mild perception he had that there was something wrong about King Charles the First , the feeble efforts he made to keep him out , and the certainty with which he came in , and tumbled the Memorial out of all shape , made a deep impression on me . What Mr. Dick supposed would come of the Memorial , if it were completed ; where he thought it was to go , or what he thought it was to do ; he knew no more than anybody else , I believe . Nor was it at all necessary that he should trouble himself with such questions , for if anything were certain under the sun , it was certain that the Memorial never would be finished . It was quite an affecting sight , I used to think , to see him with the kite when it was up a great height in the air . What he had told me , in his room , about his belief in its disseminating the statements pasted on it , which were nothing but old leaves of abortive Memorials , might have been a fancy with him sometimes ; but not when he was out , looking up at the kite in the sky , and feeling it pull and tug at his hand . He never looked so serene as he did then . I used to fancy , as I sat by him of an evening , on a green slope , and saw him watch the kite high in the quiet air , that it lifted his mind out of its confusion , and bore it ( such was my boyish thought ) into the skies . As he wound the string in and it came lower and lower down out of the beautiful light , until it fluttered to the ground , and lay there like a dead thing , he seemed to wake gradually out of a dream ; and I remember to have seen him take it up , and look about him in a lost way , as if they had both come down together , so that I pitied him with all my heart . While I advanced in friendship and intimacy with Mr. Dick , I did not go backward in the favour of his staunch friend , my aunt . She took so kindly to me , that , in the course of a few weeks , she shortened my adopted name of Trotwood into Trot ; and even encouraged me to hope , that if I went on as I had begun , I might take equal rank in her affections with my sister Betsey Trotwood . 'Trot , ' said my aunt one evening , when the backgammon-board was placed as usual for herself and Mr. Dick , 'we must not forget your education . ' This was my only subject of anxiety , and I felt quite delighted by her referring to it . 'Should you like to go to school at Canterbury ? ' said my aunt . I replied that I should like it very much , as it was so near her . 'Good , ' said my aunt . 'Should you like to go tomorrow ? ' Being already no stranger to the general rapidity of my aunt's evolutions , I was not surprised by the suddenness of the proposal , and said : 'Yes . ' 'Good , ' said my aunt again . 'Janet , hire the grey pony and chaise tomorrow morning at ten o'clock , and pack up Master Trotwood 's clothes tonight . ' I was greatly elated by these orders ; but my heart smote me for my selfishness , when I witnessed their effect on Mr. Dick , who was so low-spirited at the prospect of our separation , and played so ill in consequence , that my aunt , after giving him several admonitory raps on the knuckles with her dice-box , shut up the board , and declined to play with him any more . But , on hearing from my aunt that I should sometimes come over on a Saturday , and that he could sometimes come and see me on a Wednesday , he revived ; and vowed to make another kite for those occasions , of proportions greatly surpassing the present one . In the morning he was downhearted again , and would have sustained himself by giving me all the money he had in his possession , gold and silver too , if my aunt had not interposed , and limited the gift to five shillings , which , at his earnest petition , were afterwards increased to ten . We parted at the garden-gate in a most affectionate manner , and Mr. Dick did not go into the house until my aunt had driven me out of sight of it . My aunt , who was perfectly indifferent to public opinion , drove the grey pony through Dover in a masterly manner ; sitting high and stiff like a state coachman , keeping a steady eye upon him wherever he went , and making a point of not letting him have his own way in any respect . When we came into the country road , she permitted him to relax a little , however ; and looking at me down in a valley of cushion by her side , asked me whether I was happy ? 'Very happy indeed , thank you , aunt , ' I said . She was much gratified ; and both her hands being occupied , patted me on the head with her whip . 'Is it a large school , aunt ? ' I asked . 'Why , I do n't know , ' said my aunt . 'We are going to Mr. Wickfield's first . ' 'Does he keep a school ? ' I asked . 'No , Trot , ' said my aunt . 'He keeps an office . ' I asked for no more information about Mr. Wickfield , as she offered none , and we conversed on other subjects until we came to Canterbury , where , as it was market-day , my aunt had a great opportunity of insinuating the grey pony among carts , baskets , vegetables , and huckster 's goods . The hair-breadth turns and twists we made , drew down upon us a variety of speeches from the people standing about , which were not always complimentary ; but my aunt drove on with perfect indifference , and I dare say would have taken her own way with as much coolness through an enemy 's country . At length we stopped before a very old house bulging out over the road ; a house with long low lattice-windows bulging out still farther , and beams with carved heads on the ends bulging out too , so that I fancied the whole house was leaning forward , trying to see who was passing on the narrow pavement below . It was quite spotless in its cleanliness . The old-fashioned brass knocker on the low arched door , ornamented with carved garlands of fruit and flowers , twinkled like a star ; the two stone steps descending to the door were as white as if they had been covered with fair linen ; and all the angles and corners , and carvings and mouldings , and quaint little panes of glass , and quainter little windows , though as old as the hills , were as pure as any snow that ever fell upon the hills . When the pony-chaise stopped at the door , and my eyes were intent upon the house , I saw a cadaverous face appear at a small window on the ground floor ( in a little round tower that formed one side of the house ) , and quickly disappear . The low arched door then opened , and the face came out . It was quite as cadaverous as it had looked in the window , though in the grain of it there was that tinge of red which is sometimes to be observed in the skins of red-haired people . It belonged to a red-haired person -- a youth of fifteen , as I take it now , but looking much older -- whose hair was cropped as close as the closest stubble ; who had hardly any eyebrows , and no eyelashes , and eyes of a red-brown , so unsheltered and unshaded , that I remember wondering how he went to sleep . He was high-shouldered and bony ; dressed in decent black , with a white wisp of a neckcloth ; buttoned up to the throat ; and had a long , lank , skeleton hand , which particularly attracted my attention , as he stood at the pony 's head , rubbing his chin with it , and looking up at us in the chaise . 'Is Mr. Wickfield at home , Uriah Heep ? ' said my aunt . 'Mr . Wickfield 's at home , ma'am , ' said Uriah Heep , 'if you 'll please to walk in there ' -- pointing with his long hand to the room he meant . We got out ; and leaving him to hold the pony , went into a long low parlour looking towards the street , from the window of which I caught a glimpse , as I went in , of Uriah Heep breathing into the pony 's nostrils , and immediately covering them with his hand , as if he were putting some spell upon him . Opposite to the tall old chimney-piece were two portraits : one of a gentleman with grey hair ( though not by any means an old man ) and black eyebrows , who was looking over some papers tied together with red tape ; the other , of a lady , with a very placid and sweet expression of face , who was looking at me . I believe I was turning about in search of Uriah 's picture , when , a door at the farther end of the room opening , a gentleman entered , at sight of whom I turned to the first-mentioned portrait again , to make quite sure that it had not come out of its frame . But it was stationary ; and as the gentleman advanced into the light , I saw that he was some years older than when he had had his picture painted . 'Miss Betsey Trotwood , ' said the gentleman , 'pray walk in . I was engaged for a moment , but you 'll excuse my being busy . You know my motive . I have but one in life . ' Miss Betsey thanked him , and we went into his room , which was furnished as an office , with books , papers , tin boxes , and so forth . It looked into a garden , and had an iron safe let into the wall ; so immediately over the mantelshelf , that I wondered , as I sat down , how the sweeps got round it when they swept the chimney . 'Well , Miss Trotwood , ' said Mr. Wickfield ; for I soon found that it was he , and that he was a lawyer , and steward of the estates of a rich gentleman of the county ; 'what wind blows you here ? Not an ill wind , I hope ? ' 'No , ' replied my aunt . 'I have not come for any law . ' 'That 's right , ma'am , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'You had better come for anything else . ' His hair was quite white now , though his eyebrows were still black . He had a very agreeable face , and , I thought , was handsome . There was a certain richness in his complexion , which I had been long accustomed , under Peggotty 's tuition , to connect with port wine ; and I fancied it was in his voice too , and referred his growing corpulency to the same cause . He was very cleanly dressed , in a blue coat , striped waistcoat , and nankeen trousers ; and his fine frilled shirt and cambric neckcloth looked unusually soft and white , reminding my strolling fancy ( I call to mind ) of the plumage on the breast of a swan . 'This is my nephew , ' said my aunt . 'Was n't aware you had one , Miss Trotwood , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'My grand-nephew , that is to say , ' observed my aunt . 'Was n't aware you had a grand-nephew , I give you my word , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'I have adopted him , ' said my aunt , with a wave of her hand , importing that his knowledge and his ignorance were all one to her , 'and I have brought him here , to put to a school where he may be thoroughly well taught , and well treated . Now tell me where that school is , and what it is , and all about it . ' 'Before I can advise you properly , ' said Mr. Wickfield -- 'the old question , you know . What 's your motive in this ? ' 'Deuce take the man ! ' exclaimed my aunt . 'Always fishing for motives , when they 're on the surface ! Why , to make the child happy and useful . ' 'It must be a mixed motive , I think , ' said Mr. Wickfield , shaking his head and smiling incredulously . 'A mixed fiddlestick , ' returned my aunt . 'You claim to have one plain motive in all you do yourself . You do n't suppose , I hope , that you are the only plain dealer in the world ? ' 'Ay , but I have only one motive in life , Miss Trotwood , ' he rejoined , smiling . 'Other people have dozens , scores , hundreds . I have only one . There 's the difference . However , that 's beside the question . The best school ? Whatever the motive , you want the best ? ' My aunt nodded assent . 'At the best we have , ' said Mr. Wickfield , considering , 'your nephew could n't board just now . ' 'But he could board somewhere else , I suppose ? ' suggested my aunt . Mr. Wickfield thought I could . After a little discussion , he proposed to take my aunt to the school , that she might see it and judge for herself ; also , to take her , with the same object , to two or three houses where he thought I could be boarded . My aunt embracing the proposal , we were all three going out together , when he stopped and said : 'Our little friend here might have some motive , perhaps , for objecting to the arrangements . I think we had better leave him behind ? ' My aunt seemed disposed to contest the point ; but to facilitate matters I said I would gladly remain behind , if they pleased ; and returned into Mr. Wickfield 's office , where I sat down again , in the chair I had first occupied , to await their return . It so happened that this chair was opposite a narrow passage , which ended in the little circular room where I had seen Uriah Heep 's pale face looking out of the window . Uriah , having taken the pony to a neighbouring stable , was at work at a desk in this room , which had a brass frame on the top to hang paper upon , and on which the writing he was making a copy of was then hanging . Though his face was towards me , I thought , for some time , the writing being between us , that he could not see me ; but looking that way more attentively , it made me uncomfortable to observe that , every now and then , his sleepless eyes would come below the writing , like two red suns , and stealthily stare at me for I dare say a whole minute at a time , during which his pen went , or pretended to go , as cleverly as ever . I made several attempts to get out of their way -- such as standing on a chair to look at a map on the other side of the room , and poring over the columns of a Kentish newspaper -- but they always attracted me back again ; and whenever I looked towards those two red suns , I was sure to find them , either just rising or just setting . At length , much to my relief , my aunt and Mr. Wickfield came back , after a pretty long absence . They were not so successful as I could have wished ; for though the advantages of the school were undeniable , my aunt had not approved of any of the boarding-houses proposed for me . 'It 's very unfortunate , ' said my aunt . 'I do n't know what to do , Trot . ' 'It does happen unfortunately , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'But I 'll tell you what you can do , Miss Trotwood . ' 'What 's that ? ' inquired my aunt . 'Leave your nephew here , for the present . He 's a quiet fellow . He wo n't disturb me at all . It 's a capital house for study . As quiet as a monastery , and almost as roomy . Leave him here . ' My aunt evidently liked the offer , though she was delicate of accepting it . So did I . 'Come , Miss Trotwood , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'This is the way out of the difficulty . It 's only a temporary arrangement , you know . If it do n't act well , or do n't quite accord with our mutual convenience , he can easily go to the right-about . There will be time to find some better place for him in the meanwhile . You had better determine to leave him here for the present ! ' 'I am very much obliged to you , ' said my aunt ; 'and so is he , I see ; but -- ' 'Come ! I know what you mean , ' cried Mr. Wickfield . 'You shall not be oppressed by the receipt of favours , Miss Trotwood . You may pay for him , if you like . We wo n't be hard about terms , but you shall pay if you will . ' 'On that understanding , ' said my aunt , 'though it does n't lessen the real obligation , I shall be very glad to leave him . ' 'Then come and see my little housekeeper , ' said Mr. Wickfield . We accordingly went up a wonderful old staircase ; with a balustrade so broad that we might have gone up that , almost as easily ; and into a shady old drawing-room , lighted by some three or four of the quaint windows I had looked up at from the street : which had old oak seats in them , that seemed to have come of the same trees as the shining oak floor , and the great beams in the ceiling . It was a prettily furnished room , with a piano and some lively furniture in red and green , and some flowers . It seemed to be all old nooks and corners ; and in every nook and corner there was some queer little table , or cupboard , or bookcase , or seat , or something or other , that made me think there was not such another good corner in the room ; until I looked at the next one , and found it equal to it , if not better . On everything there was the same air of retirement and cleanliness that marked the house outside . Mr. Wickfield tapped at a door in a corner of the panelled wall , and a girl of about my own age came quickly out and kissed him . On her face , I saw immediately the placid and sweet expression of the lady whose picture had looked at me downstairs . It seemed to my imagination as if the portrait had grown womanly , and the original remained a child . Although her face was quite bright and happy , there was a tranquillity about it , and about her -- a quiet , good , calm spirit -- that I never have forgotten ; that I shall never forget . This was his little housekeeper , his daughter Agnes , Mr. Wickfield said . When I heard how he said it , and saw how he held her hand , I guessed what the one motive of his life was . She had a little basket-trifle hanging at her side , with keys in it ; and she looked as staid and as discreet a housekeeper as the old house could have . She listened to her father as he told her about me , with a pleasant face ; and when he had concluded , proposed to my aunt that we should go upstairs and see my room . We all went together , she before us : and a glorious old room it was , with more oak beams , and diamond panes ; and the broad balustrade going all the way up to it . I can not call to mind where or when , in my childhood , I had seen a stained glass window in a church . Nor do I recollect its subject . But I know that when I saw her turn round , in the grave light of the old staircase , and wait for us , above , I thought of that window ; and I associated something of its tranquil brightness with Agnes Wickfield ever afterwards . My aunt was as happy as I was , in the arrangement made for me ; and we went down to the drawing-room again , well pleased and gratified . As she would not hear of staying to dinner , lest she should by any chance fail to arrive at home with the grey pony before dark ; and as I apprehend Mr. Wickfield knew her too well to argue any point with her ; some lunch was provided for her there , and Agnes went back to her governess , and Mr. Wickfield to his office . So we were left to take leave of one another without any restraint . She told me that everything would be arranged for me by Mr. Wickfield , and that I should want for nothing , and gave me the kindest words and the best advice . 'Trot , ' said my aunt in conclusion , 'be a credit to yourself , to me , and Mr. Dick , and Heaven be with you ! ' I was greatly overcome , and could only thank her , again and again , and send my love to Mr. Dick . 'Never , ' said my aunt , 'be mean in anything ; never be false ; never be cruel . Avoid those three vices , Trot , and I can always be hopeful of you . ' I promised , as well as I could , that I would not abuse her kindness or forget her admonition . 'The pony 's at the door , ' said my aunt , 'and I am off ! Stay here . ' With these words she embraced me hastily , and went out of the room , shutting the door after her . At first I was startled by so abrupt a departure , and almost feared I had displeased her ; but when I looked into the street , and saw how dejectedly she got into the chaise , and drove away without looking up , I understood her better and did not do her that injustice . By five o'clock , which was Mr. Wickfield 's dinner-hour , I had mustered up my spirits again , and was ready for my knife and fork . The cloth was only laid for us two ; but Agnes was waiting in the drawing-room before dinner , went down with her father , and sat opposite to him at table . I doubted whether he could have dined without her . We did not stay there , after dinner , but came upstairs into the drawing-room again : in one snug corner of which , Agnes set glasses for her father , and a decanter of port wine . I thought he would have missed its usual flavour , if it had been put there for him by any other hands . There he sat , taking his wine , and taking a good deal of it , for two hours ; while Agnes played on the piano , worked , and talked to him and me . He was , for the most part , gay and cheerful with us ; but sometimes his eyes rested on her , and he fell into a brooding state , and was silent . She always observed this quickly , I thought , and always roused him with a question or caress . Then he came out of his meditation , and drank more wine . Agnes made the tea , and presided over it ; and the time passed away after it , as after dinner , until she went to bed ; when her father took her in his arms and kissed her , and , she being gone , ordered candles in his office . Then I went to bed too . But in the course of the evening I had rambled down to the door , and a little way along the street , that I might have another peep at the old houses , and the grey Cathedral ; and might think of my coming through that old city on my journey , and of my passing the very house I lived in , without knowing it . As I came back , I saw Uriah Heep shutting up the office ; and feeling friendly towards everybody , went in and spoke to him , and at parting , gave him my hand . But oh , what a clammy hand his was ! as ghostly to the touch as to the sight ! I rubbed mine afterwards , to warm it , AND TO RUB HIS OFF . It was such an uncomfortable hand , that , when I went to my room , it was still cold and wet upon my memory . Leaning out of the window , and seeing one of the faces on the beam-ends looking at me sideways , I fancied it was Uriah Heep got up there somehow , and shut him out in a hurry . CHAPTER 16 . I AM A NEW BOY IN MORE SENSES THAN ONE Next morning , after breakfast , I entered on school life again . I went , accompanied by Mr. Wickfield , to the scene of my future studies -- a grave building in a courtyard , with a learned air about it that seemed very well suited to the stray rooks and jackdaws who came down from the Cathedral towers to walk with a clerkly bearing on the grass-plot -- and was introduced to my new master , Doctor Strong . Doctor Strong looked almost as rusty , to my thinking , as the tall iron rails and gates outside the house ; and almost as stiff and heavy as the great stone urns that flanked them , and were set up , on the top of the red-brick wall , at regular distances all round the court , like sublimated skittles , for Time to play at . He was in his library ( I mean Doctor Strong was ) , with his clothes not particularly well brushed , and his hair not particularly well combed ; his knee-smalls unbraced ; his long black gaiters unbuttoned ; and his shoes yawning like two caverns on the hearth-rug . Turning upon me a lustreless eye , that reminded me of a long-forgotten blind old horse who once used to crop the grass , and tumble over the graves , in Blunderstone churchyard , he said he was glad to see me : and then he gave me his hand ; which I did n't know what to do with , as it did nothing for itself . But , sitting at work , not far from Doctor Strong , was a very pretty young lady -- whom he called Annie , and who was his daughter , I supposed -- who got me out of my difficulty by kneeling down to put Doctor Strong 's shoes on , and button his gaiters , which she did with great cheerfulness and quickness . When she had finished , and we were going out to the schoolroom , I was much surprised to hear Mr. Wickfield , in bidding her good morning , address her as 'Mrs . Strong ' ; and I was wondering could she be Doctor Strong 's son 's wife , or could she be Mrs . Doctor Strong , when Doctor Strong himself unconsciously enlightened me . 'By the by , Wickfield , ' he said , stopping in a passage with his hand on my shoulder ; 'you have not found any suitable provision for my wife's cousin yet ? ' 'No , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'No . Not yet . ' 'I could wish it done as soon as it can be done , Wickfield , ' said Doctor Strong , 'for Jack Maldon is needy , and idle ; and of those two bad things , worse things sometimes come . What does Doctor Watts say , ' he added , looking at me , and moving his head to the time of his quotation , ' '' Satan finds some mischief still , for idle hands to do . '' ' 'Egad , Doctor , ' returned Mr. Wickfield , 'if Doctor Watts knew mankind , he might have written , with as much truth , `` Satan finds some mischief still , for busy hands to do . '' The busy people achieve their full share of mischief in the world , you may rely upon it . What have the people been about , who have been the busiest in getting money , and in getting power , this century or two ? No mischief ? ' 'Jack Maldon will never be very busy in getting either , I expect , ' said Doctor Strong , rubbing his chin thoughtfully . 'Perhaps not , ' said Mr. Wickfield ; 'and you bring me back to the question , with an apology for digressing . No , I have not been able to dispose of Mr. Jack Maldon yet . I believe , ' he said this with some hesitation , 'I penetrate your motive , and it makes the thing more difficult . ' 'My motive , ' returned Doctor Strong , 'is to make some suitable provision for a cousin , and an old playfellow , of Annie 's . ' 'Yes , I know , ' said Mr. Wickfield ; 'at home or abroad . ' 'Aye ! ' replied the Doctor , apparently wondering why he emphasized those words so much . 'At home or abroad . ' 'Your own expression , you know , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'Or abroad . ' 'Surely , ' the Doctor answered . 'Surely . One or other . ' 'One or other ? Have you no choice ? ' asked Mr. Wickfield . 'No , ' returned the Doctor . 'No ? ' with astonishment . 'Not the least . ' 'No motive , ' said Mr. Wickfield , 'for meaning abroad , and not at home ? ' 'No , ' returned the Doctor . 'I am bound to believe you , and of course I do believe you , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'It might have simplified my office very much , if I had known it before . But I confess I entertained another impression . ' Doctor Strong regarded him with a puzzled and doubting look , which almost immediately subsided into a smile that gave me great encouragement ; for it was full of amiability and sweetness , and there was a simplicity in it , and indeed in his whole manner , when the studious , pondering frost upon it was got through , very attractive and hopeful to a young scholar like me . Repeating 'no ' , and 'not the least ' , and other short assurances to the same purport , Doctor Strong jogged on before us , at a queer , uneven pace ; and we followed : Mr. Wickfield , looking grave , I observed , and shaking his head to himself , without knowing that I saw him . The schoolroom was a pretty large hall , on the quietest side of the house , confronted by the stately stare of some half-dozen of the great urns , and commanding a peep of an old secluded garden belonging to the Doctor , where the peaches were ripening on the sunny south wall . There were two great aloes , in tubs , on the turf outside the windows ; the broad hard leaves of which plant ( looking as if they were made of painted tin ) have ever since , by association , been symbolical to me of silence and retirement . About five-and-twenty boys were studiously engaged at their books when we went in , but they rose to give the Doctor good morning , and remained standing when they saw Mr. Wickfield and me . 'A new boy , young gentlemen , ' said the Doctor ; 'Trotwood Copperfield . ' One Adams , who was the head-boy , then stepped out of his place and welcomed me . He looked like a young clergyman , in his white cravat , but he was very affable and good-humoured ; and he showed me my place , and presented me to the masters , in a gentlemanly way that would have put me at my ease , if anything could . It seemed to me so long , however , since I had been among such boys , or among any companions of my own age , except Mick Walker and Mealy Potatoes , that I felt as strange as ever I have done in my life . I was so conscious of having passed through scenes of which they could have no knowledge , and of having acquired experiences foreign to my age , appearance , and condition as one of them , that I half believed it was an imposture to come there as an ordinary little schoolboy . I had become , in the Murdstone and Grinby time , however short or long it may have been , so unused to the sports and games of boys , that I knew I was awkward and inexperienced in the commonest things belonging to them . Whatever I had learnt , had so slipped away from me in the sordid cares of my life from day to night , that now , when I was examined about what I knew , I knew nothing , and was put into the lowest form of the school . But , troubled as I was , by my want of boyish skill , and of book-learning too , I was made infinitely more uncomfortable by the consideration , that , in what I did know , I was much farther removed from my companions than in what I did not . My mind ran upon what they would think , if they knew of my familiar acquaintance with the King 's Bench Prison ? Was there anything about me which would reveal my proceedings in connexion with the Micawber family -- all those pawnings , and sellings , and suppers -- in spite of myself ? Suppose some of the boys had seen me coming through Canterbury , wayworn and ragged , and should find me out ? What would they say , who made so light of money , if they could know how I had scraped my halfpence together , for the purchase of my daily saveloy and beer , or my slices of pudding ? How would it affect them , who were so innocent of London life , and London streets , to discover how knowing I was ( and was ashamed to be ) in some of the meanest phases of both ? All this ran in my head so much , on that first day at Doctor Strong 's , that I felt distrustful of my slightest look and gesture ; shrunk within myself whensoever I was approached by one of my new schoolfellows ; and hurried off the minute school was over , afraid of committing myself in my response to any friendly notice or advance . But there was such an influence in Mr. Wickfield 's old house , that when I knocked at it , with my new school-books under my arm , I began to feel my uneasiness softening away . As I went up to my airy old room , the grave shadow of the staircase seemed to fall upon my doubts and fears , and to make the past more indistinct . I sat there , sturdily conning my books , until dinner-time ( we were out of school for good at three ) ; and went down , hopeful of becoming a passable sort of boy yet . Agnes was in the drawing-room , waiting for her father , who was detained by someone in his office . She met me with her pleasant smile , and asked me how I liked the school . I told her I should like it very much , I hoped ; but I was a little strange to it at first . 'You have never been to school , ' I said , 'have you ? ' 'Oh yes ! Every day . ' 'Ah , but you mean here , at your own home ? ' 'Papa could n't spare me to go anywhere else , ' she answered , smiling and shaking her head . 'His housekeeper must be in his house , you know . ' 'He is very fond of you , I am sure , ' I said . She nodded 'Yes , ' and went to the door to listen for his coming up , that she might meet him on the stairs . But , as he was not there , she came back again . 'Mama has been dead ever since I was born , ' she said , in her quiet way . 'I only know her picture , downstairs . I saw you looking at it yesterday . Did you think whose it was ? ' I told her yes , because it was so like herself . 'Papa says so , too , ' said Agnes , pleased . 'Hark ! That 's papa now ! ' Her bright calm face lighted up with pleasure as she went to meet him , and as they came in , hand in hand . He greeted me cordially ; and told me I should certainly be happy under Doctor Strong , who was one of the gentlest of men . 'There may be some , perhaps -- I do n't know that there are -- who abuse his kindness , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'Never be one of those , Trotwood , in anything . He is the least suspicious of mankind ; and whether that's a merit , or whether it 's a blemish , it deserves consideration in all dealings with the Doctor , great or small . ' He spoke , I thought , as if he were weary , or dissatisfied with something ; but I did not pursue the question in my mind , for dinner was just then announced , and we went down and took the same seats as before . We had scarcely done so , when Uriah Heep put in his red head and his lank hand at the door , and said : 'Here 's Mr. Maldon begs the favour of a word , sir . ' 'I am but this moment quit of Mr. Maldon , ' said his master . 'Yes , sir , ' returned Uriah ; 'but Mr. Maldon has come back , and he begs the favour of a word . ' As he held the door open with his hand , Uriah looked at me , and looked at Agnes , and looked at the dishes , and looked at the plates , and looked at every object in the room , I thought , -- yet seemed to look at nothing ; he made such an appearance all the while of keeping his red eyes dutifully on his master . 'I beg your pardon . It 's only to say , on reflection , ' observed a voice behind Uriah , as Uriah 's head was pushed away , and the speaker 's substituted -- 'pray excuse me for this intrusion -- that as it seems I have no choice in the matter , the sooner I go abroad the better . My cousin Annie did say , when we talked of it , that she liked to have her friends within reach rather than to have them banished , and the old Doctor -- ' 'Doctor Strong , was that ? ' Mr. Wickfield interposed , gravely . 'Doctor Strong , of course , ' returned the other ; 'I call him the old Doctor ; it 's all the same , you know . ' 'I do n't know , ' returned Mr. Wickfield . 'Well , Doctor Strong , ' said the other -- 'Doctor Strong was of the same mind , I believed . But as it appears from the course you take with me he has changed his mind , why there 's no more to be said , except that the sooner I am off , the better . Therefore , I thought I 'd come back and say , that the sooner I am off the better . When a plunge is to be made into the water , it 's of no use lingering on the bank . ' 'There shall be as little lingering as possible , in your case , Mr. Maldon , you may depend upon it , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'Thank'ee , ' said the other . 'Much obliged . I do n't want to look a gift-horse in the mouth , which is not a gracious thing to do ; otherwise , I dare say , my cousin Annie could easily arrange it in her own way . I suppose Annie would only have to say to the old Doctor -- ' 'Meaning that Mrs. Strong would only have to say to her husband -- do I follow you ? ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'Quite so , ' returned the other , ' -- would only have to say , that she wanted such and such a thing to be so and so ; and it would be so and so , as a matter of course . ' 'And why as a matter of course , Mr . Maldon ? ' asked Mr. Wickfield , sedately eating his dinner . 'Why , because Annie 's a charming young girl , and the old Doctor -- Doctor Strong , I mean -- is not quite a charming young boy , ' said Mr. Jack Maldon , laughing . 'No offence to anybody , Mr. Wickfield . I only mean that I suppose some compensation is fair and reasonable in that sort of marriage . ' 'Compensation to the lady , sir ? ' asked Mr. Wickfield gravely . 'To the lady , sir , ' Mr. Jack Maldon answered , laughing . But appearing to remark that Mr. Wickfield went on with his dinner in the same sedate , immovable manner , and that there was no hope of making him relax a muscle of his face , he added : 'However , I have said what I came to say , and , with another apology for this intrusion , I may take myself off . Of course I shall observe your directions , in considering the matter as one to be arranged between you and me solely , and not to be referred to , up at the Doctor 's . ' 'Have you dined ? ' asked Mr. Wickfield , with a motion of his hand towards the table . 'Thank'ee . I am going to dine , ' said Mr. Maldon , 'with my cousin Annie . Good-bye ! ' Mr. Wickfield , without rising , looked after him thoughtfully as he went out . He was rather a shallow sort of young gentleman , I thought , with a handsome face , a rapid utterance , and a confident , bold air . And this was the first I ever saw of Mr. Jack Maldon ; whom I had not expected to see so soon , when I heard the Doctor speak of him that morning . When we had dined , we went upstairs again , where everything went on exactly as on the previous day . Agnes set the glasses and decanters in the same corner , and Mr. Wickfield sat down to drink , and drank a good deal . Agnes played the piano to him , sat by him , and worked and talked , and played some games at dominoes with me . In good time she made tea ; and afterwards , when I brought down my books , looked into them , and showed me what she knew of them ( which was no slight matter , though she said it was ) , and what was the best way to learn and understand them . I see her , with her modest , orderly , placid manner , and I hear her beautiful calm voice , as I write these words . The influence for all good , which she came to exercise over me at a later time , begins already to descend upon my breast . I love little Em'ly , and I do n't love Agnes -- no , not at all in that way -- but I feel that there are goodness , peace , and truth , wherever Agnes is ; and that the soft light of the coloured window in the church , seen long ago , falls on her always , and on me when I am near her , and on everything around . The time having come for her withdrawal for the night , and she having left us , I gave Mr. Wickfield my hand , preparatory to going away myself . But he checked me and said : 'Should you like to stay with us , Trotwood , or to go elsewhere ? ' 'To stay , ' I answered , quickly . 'You are sure ? ' 'If you please . If I may ! ' 'Why , it 's but a dull life that we lead here , boy , I am afraid , ' he said . 'Not more dull for me than Agnes , sir . Not dull at all ! ' 'Than Agnes , ' he repeated , walking slowly to the great chimney-piece , and leaning against it . 'Than Agnes ! ' He had drank wine that evening ( or I fancied it ) , until his eyes were bloodshot . Not that I could see them now , for they were cast down , and shaded by his hand ; but I had noticed them a little while before . 'Now I wonder , ' he muttered , 'whether my Agnes tires of me . When should I ever tire of her ! But that 's different , that 's quite different . ' He was musing , not speaking to me ; so I remained quiet . 'A dull old house , ' he said , 'and a monotonous life ; but I must have her near me . I must keep her near me . If the thought that I may die and leave my darling , or that my darling may die and leave me , comes like a spectre , to distress my happiest hours , and is only to be drowned in -- ' He did not supply the word ; but pacing slowly to the place where he had sat , and mechanically going through the action of pouring wine from the empty decanter , set it down and paced back again . 'If it is miserable to bear , when she is here , ' he said , 'what would it be , and she away ? No , no , no . I can not try that . ' He leaned against the chimney-piece , brooding so long that I could not decide whether to run the risk of disturbing him by going , or to remain quietly where I was , until he should come out of his reverie . At length he aroused himself , and looked about the room until his eyes encountered mine . 'Stay with us , Trotwood , eh ? ' he said in his usual manner , and as if he were answering something I had just said . 'I am glad of it . You are company to us both . It is wholesome to have you here . Wholesome for me , wholesome for Agnes , wholesome perhaps for all of us . ' 'I am sure it is for me , sir , ' I said . 'I am so glad to be here . ' 'That 's a fine fellow ! ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'As long as you are glad to be here , you shall stay here . ' He shook hands with me upon it , and clapped me on the back ; and told me that when I had anything to do at night after Agnes had left us , or when I wished to read for my own pleasure , I was free to come down to his room , if he were there and if I desired it for company 's sake , and to sit with him . I thanked him for his consideration ; and , as he went down soon afterwards , and I was not tired , went down too , with a book in my hand , to avail myself , for half-an-hour , of his permission . But , seeing a light in the little round office , and immediately feeling myself attracted towards Uriah Heep , who had a sort of fascination for me , I went in there instead . I found Uriah reading a great fat book , with such demonstrative attention , that his lank forefinger followed up every line as he read , and made clammy tracks along the page ( or so I fully believed ) like a snail . 'You are working late tonight , Uriah , ' says I . 'Yes , Master Copperfield , ' says Uriah . As I was getting on the stool opposite , to talk to him more conveniently , I observed that he had not such a thing as a smile about him , and that he could only widen his mouth and make two hard creases down his cheeks , one on each side , to stand for one . 'I am not doing office-work , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah . 'What work , then ? ' I asked . 'I am improving my legal knowledge , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah . 'I am going through Tidd 's Practice . Oh , what a writer Mr. Tidd is , Master Copperfield ! ' My stool was such a tower of observation , that as I watched him reading on again , after this rapturous exclamation , and following up the lines with his forefinger , I observed that his nostrils , which were thin and pointed , with sharp dints in them , had a singular and most uncomfortable way of expanding and contracting themselves -- that they seemed to twinkle instead of his eyes , which hardly ever twinkled at all . 'I suppose you are quite a great lawyer ? ' I said , after looking at him for some time . 'Me , Master Copperfield ? ' said Uriah . 'Oh , no ! I 'm a very umble person . ' It was no fancy of mine about his hands , I observed ; for he frequently ground the palms against each other as if to squeeze them dry and warm , besides often wiping them , in a stealthy way , on his pocket-handkerchief . 'I am well aware that I am the umblest person going , ' said Uriah Heep , modestly ; 'let the other be where he may . My mother is likewise a very umble person . We live in a numble abode , Master Copperfield , but have much to be thankful for . My father 's former calling was umble . He was a sexton . ' 'What is he now ? ' I asked . 'He is a partaker of glory at present , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah Heep . 'But we have much to be thankful for . How much have I to be thankful for in living with Mr . Wickfield ! ' I asked Uriah if he had been with Mr. Wickfield long ? 'I have been with him , going on four year , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah ; shutting up his book , after carefully marking the place where he had left off . 'Since a year after my father 's death . How much have I to be thankful for , in that ! How much have I to be thankful for , in Mr. Wickfield 's kind intention to give me my articles , which would otherwise not lay within the umble means of mother and self ! ' 'Then , when your articled time is over , you 'll be a regular lawyer , I suppose ? ' said I . 'With the blessing of Providence , Master Copperfield , ' returned Uriah . 'Perhaps you 'll be a partner in Mr. Wickfield 's business , one of these days , ' I said , to make myself agreeable ; 'and it will be Wickfield and Heep , or Heep late Wickfield . ' 'Oh no , Master Copperfield , ' returned Uriah , shaking his head , 'I am much too umble for that ! ' He certainly did look uncommonly like the carved face on the beam outside my window , as he sat , in his humility , eyeing me sideways , with his mouth widened , and the creases in his cheeks . 'Mr . Wickfield is a most excellent man , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah . 'If you have known him long , you know it , I am sure , much better than I can inform you . ' I replied that I was certain he was ; but that I had not known him long myself , though he was a friend of my aunt 's . 'Oh , indeed , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah . 'Your aunt is a sweet lady , Master Copperfield ! ' He had a way of writhing when he wanted to express enthusiasm , which was very ugly ; and which diverted my attention from the compliment he had paid my relation , to the snaky twistings of his throat and body . 'A sweet lady , Master Copperfield ! ' said Uriah Heep . 'She has a great admiration for Miss Agnes , Master Copperfield , I believe ? ' I said , 'Yes , ' boldly ; not that I knew anything about it , Heaven forgive me ! 'I hope you have , too , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah . 'But I am sure you must have . ' 'Everybody must have , ' I returned . 'Oh , thank you , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah Heep , 'for that remark ! It is so true ! Umble as I am , I know it is so true ! Oh , thank you , Master Copperfield ! ' He writhed himself quite off his stool in the excitement of his feelings , and , being off , began to make arrangements for going home . 'Mother will be expecting me , ' he said , referring to a pale , inexpressive-faced watch in his pocket , 'and getting uneasy ; for though we are very umble , Master Copperfield , we are much attached to one another . If you would come and see us , any afternoon , and take a cup of tea at our lowly dwelling , mother would be as proud of your company as I should be . ' I said I should be glad to come . 'Thank you , Master Copperfield , ' returned Uriah , putting his book away upon the shelf -- 'I suppose you stop here , some time , Master Copperfield ? ' I said I was going to be brought up there , I believed , as long as I remained at school . 'Oh , indeed ! ' exclaimed Uriah . 'I should think YOU would come into the business at last , Master Copperfield ! ' I protested that I had no views of that sort , and that no such scheme was entertained in my behalf by anybody ; but Uriah insisted on blandly replying to all my assurances , 'Oh , yes , Master Copperfield , I should think you would , indeed ! ' and , 'Oh , indeed , Master Copperfield , I should think you would , certainly ! ' over and over again . Being , at last , ready to leave the office for the night , he asked me if it would suit my convenience to have the light put out ; and on my answering 'Yes , ' instantly extinguished it . After shaking hands with me -- his hand felt like a fish , in the dark -- he opened the door into the street a very little , and crept out , and shut it , leaving me to grope my way back into the house : which cost me some trouble and a fall over his stool . This was the proximate cause , I suppose , of my dreaming about him , for what appeared to me to be half the night ; and dreaming , among other things , that he had launched Mr. Peggotty 's house on a piratical expedition , with a black flag at the masthead , bearing the inscription 'Tidd's Practice ' , under which diabolical ensign he was carrying me and little Em'ly to the Spanish Main , to be drowned . I got a little the better of my uneasiness when I went to school next day , and a good deal the better next day , and so shook it off by degrees , that in less than a fortnight I was quite at home , and happy , among my new companions . I was awkward enough in their games , and backward enough in their studies ; but custom would improve me in the first respect , I hoped , and hard work in the second . Accordingly , I went to work very hard , both in play and in earnest , and gained great commendation . And , in a very little while , the Murdstone and Grinby life became so strange to me that I hardly believed in it , while my present life grew so familiar , that I seemed to have been leading it a long time . Doctor Strong 's was an excellent school ; as different from Mr. Creakle's as good is from evil . It was very gravely and decorously ordered , and on a sound system ; with an appeal , in everything , to the honour and good faith of the boys , and an avowed intention to rely on their possession of those qualities unless they proved themselves unworthy of it , which worked wonders . We all felt that we had a part in the management of the place , and in sustaining its character and dignity . Hence , we soon became warmly attached to it -- I am sure I did for one , and I never knew , in all my time , of any other boy being otherwise -- and learnt with a good will , desiring to do it credit . We had noble games out of hours , and plenty of liberty ; but even then , as I remember , we were well spoken of in the town , and rarely did any disgrace , by our appearance or manner , to the reputation of Doctor Strong and Doctor Strong 's boys . Some of the higher scholars boarded in the Doctor 's house , and through them I learned , at second hand , some particulars of the Doctor's history -- as , how he had not yet been married twelve months to the beautiful young lady I had seen in the study , whom he had married for love ; for she had not a sixpence , and had a world of poor relations ( so our fellows said ) ready to swarm the Doctor out of house and home . Also , how the Doctor 's cogitating manner was attributable to his being always engaged in looking out for Greek roots ; which , in my innocence and ignorance , I supposed to be a botanical furor on the Doctor 's part , especially as he always looked at the ground when he walked about , until I understood that they were roots of words , with a view to a new Dictionary which he had in contemplation . Adams , our head-boy , who had a turn for mathematics , had made a calculation , I was informed , of the time this Dictionary would take in completing , on the Doctor 's plan , and at the Doctor 's rate of going . He considered that it might be done in one thousand six hundred and forty-nine years , counting from the Doctor 's last , or sixty-second , birthday . But the Doctor himself was the idol of the whole school : and it must have been a badly composed school if he had been anything else , for he was the kindest of men ; with a simple faith in him that might have touched the stone hearts of the very urns upon the wall . As he walked up and down that part of the courtyard which was at the side of the house , with the stray rooks and jackdaws looking after him with their heads cocked slyly , as if they knew how much more knowing they were in worldly affairs than he , if any sort of vagabond could only get near enough to his creaking shoes to attract his attention to one sentence of a tale of distress , that vagabond was made for the next two days . It was so notorious in the house , that the masters and head-boys took pains to cut these marauders off at angles , and to get out of windows , and turn them out of the courtyard , before they could make the Doctor aware of their presence ; which was sometimes happily effected within a few yards of him , without his knowing anything of the matter , as he jogged to and fro . Outside his own domain , and unprotected , he was a very sheep for the shearers . He would have taken his gaiters off his legs , to give away . In fact , there was a story current among us ( I have no idea , and never had , on what authority , but I have believed it for so many years that I feel quite certain it is true ) , that on a frosty day , one winter-time , he actually did bestow his gaiters on a beggar-woman , who occasioned some scandal in the neighbourhood by exhibiting a fine infant from door to door , wrapped in those garments , which were universally recognized , being as well known in the vicinity as the Cathedral . The legend added that the only person who did not identify them was the Doctor himself , who , when they were shortly afterwards displayed at the door of a little second-hand shop of no very good repute , where such things were taken in exchange for gin , was more than once observed to handle them approvingly , as if admiring some curious novelty in the pattern , and considering them an improvement on his own . It was very pleasant to see the Doctor with his pretty young wife . He had a fatherly , benignant way of showing his fondness for her , which seemed in itself to express a good man . I often saw them walking in the garden where the peaches were , and I sometimes had a nearer observation of them in the study or the parlour . She appeared to me to take great care of the Doctor , and to like him very much , though I never thought her vitally interested in the Dictionary : some cumbrous fragments of which work the Doctor always carried in his pockets , and in the lining of his hat , and generally seemed to be expounding to her as they walked about . I saw a good deal of Mrs. Strong , both because she had taken a liking for me on the morning of my introduction to the Doctor , and was always afterwards kind to me , and interested in me ; and because she was very fond of Agnes , and was often backwards and forwards at our house . There was a curious constraint between her and Mr. Wickfield , I thought ( of whom she seemed to be afraid ) , that never wore off . When she came there of an evening , she always shrunk from accepting his escort home , and ran away with me instead . And sometimes , as we were running gaily across the Cathedral yard together , expecting to meet nobody , we would meet Mr. Jack Maldon , who was always surprised to see us . Mrs. Strong 's mama was a lady I took great delight in . Her name was Mrs. Markleham ; but our boys used to call her the Old Soldier , on account of her generalship , and the skill with which she marshalled great forces of relations against the Doctor . She was a little , sharp-eyed woman , who used to wear , when she was dressed , one unchangeable cap , ornamented with some artificial flowers , and two artificial butterflies supposed to be hovering above the flowers . There was a superstition among us that this cap had come from France , and could only originate in the workmanship of that ingenious nation : but all I certainly know about it , is , that it always made its appearance of an evening , wheresoever Mrs. Markleham made HER appearance ; that it was carried about to friendly meetings in a Hindoo basket ; that the butterflies had the gift of trembling constantly ; and that they improved the shining hours at Doctor Strong 's expense , like busy bees . I observed the Old Soldier -- not to adopt the name disrespectfully -- to pretty good advantage , on a night which is made memorable to me by something else I shall relate . It was the night of a little party at the Doctor 's , which was given on the occasion of Mr. Jack Maldon 's departure for India , whither he was going as a cadet , or something of that kind : Mr. Wickfield having at length arranged the business . It happened to be the Doctor 's birthday , too . We had had a holiday , had made presents to him in the morning , had made a speech to him through the head-boy , and had cheered him until we were hoarse , and until he had shed tears . And now , in the evening , Mr. Wickfield , Agnes , and I , went to have tea with him in his private capacity . Mr. Jack Maldon was there , before us . Mrs. Strong , dressed in white , with cherry-coloured ribbons , was playing the piano , when we went in ; and he was leaning over her to turn the leaves . The clear red and white of her complexion was not so blooming and flower-like as usual , I thought , when she turned round ; but she looked very pretty , Wonderfully pretty . 'I have forgotten , Doctor , ' said Mrs. Strong 's mama , when we were seated , 'to pay you the compliments of the day -- though they are , as you may suppose , very far from being mere compliments in my case . Allow me to wish you many happy returns . ' 'I thank you , ma'am , ' replied the Doctor . 'Many , many , many , happy returns , ' said the Old Soldier . 'Not only for your own sake , but for Annie 's , and John Maldon 's , and many other people 's . It seems but yesterday to me , John , when you were a little creature , a head shorter than Master Copperfield , making baby love to Annie behind the gooseberry bushes in the back-garden . ' 'My dear mama , ' said Mrs. Strong , 'never mind that now . ' 'Annie , do n't be absurd , ' returned her mother . 'If you are to blush to hear of such things now you are an old married woman , when are you not to blush to hear of them ? ' 'Old ? ' exclaimed Mr. Jack Maldon . 'Annie ? Come ! ' 'Yes , John , ' returned the Soldier . 'Virtually , an old married woman . Although not old by years -- for when did you ever hear me say , or who has ever heard me say , that a girl of twenty was old by years ! -- your cousin is the wife of the Doctor , and , as such , what I have described her . It is well for you , John , that your cousin is the wife of the Doctor . You have found in him an influential and kind friend , who will be kinder yet , I venture to predict , if you deserve it . I have no false pride . I never hesitate to admit , frankly , that there are some members of our family who want a friend . You were one yourself , before your cousin's influence raised up one for you . ' The Doctor , in the goodness of his heart , waved his hand as if to make light of it , and save Mr. Jack Maldon from any further reminder . But Mrs. Markleham changed her chair for one next the Doctor 's , and putting her fan on his coat-sleeve , said : 'No , really , my dear Doctor , you must excuse me if I appear to dwell on this rather , because I feel so very strongly . I call it quite my monomania , it is such a subject of mine . You are a blessing to us . You really are a Boon , you know . ' 'Nonsense , nonsense , ' said the Doctor . 'No , no , I beg your pardon , ' retorted the Old Soldier . 'With nobody present , but our dear and confidential friend Mr. Wickfield , I can not consent to be put down . I shall begin to assert the privileges of a mother-in-law , if you go on like that , and scold you . I am perfectly honest and outspoken . What I am saying , is what I said when you first overpowered me with surprise -- you remember how surprised I was ? -- by proposing for Annie . Not that there was anything so very much out of the way , in the mere fact of the proposal -- it would be ridiculous to say that ! -- but because , you having known her poor father , and having known her from a baby six months old , I had n't thought of you in such a light at all , or indeed as a marrying man in any way , -- simply that , you know . ' 'Aye , aye , ' returned the Doctor , good-humouredly . 'Never mind . ' 'But I DO mind , ' said the Old Soldier , laying her fan upon his lips . 'I mind very much . I recall these things that I may be contradicted if I am wrong . Well ! Then I spoke to Annie , and I told her what had happened . I said , `` My dear , here 's Doctor Strong has positively been and made you the subject of a handsome declaration and an offer . '' Did I press it in the least ? No . I said , `` Now , Annie , tell me the truth this moment ; is your heart free ? '' `` Mama , '' she said crying , `` I am extremely young '' -- which was perfectly true -- '' and I hardly know if I have a heart at all . '' `` Then , my dear , '' I said , `` you may rely upon it , it 's free . At all events , my love , '' said I , `` Doctor Strong is in an agitated state of mind , and must be answered . He can not be kept in his present state of suspense . '' `` Mama , '' said Annie , still crying , `` would he be unhappy without me ? If he would , I honour and respect him so much , that I think I will have him . '' So it was settled . And then , and not till then , I said to Annie , `` Annie , Doctor Strong will not only be your husband , but he will represent your late father : he will represent the head of our family , he will represent the wisdom and station , and I may say the means , of our family ; and will be , in short , a Boon to it . '' I used the word at the time , and I have used it again , today . If I have any merit it is consistency . ' The daughter had sat quite silent and still during this speech , with her eyes fixed on the ground ; her cousin standing near her , and looking on the ground too . She now said very softly , in a trembling voice : 'Mama , I hope you have finished ? ' 'No , my dear Annie , ' returned the Old Soldier , 'I have not quite finished . Since you ask me , my love , I reply that I have not . I complain that you really are a little unnatural towards your own family ; and , as it is of no use complaining to you . I mean to complain to your husband . Now , my dear Doctor , do look at that silly wife of yours . ' As the Doctor turned his kind face , with its smile of simplicity and gentleness , towards her , she drooped her head more . I noticed that Mr. Wickfield looked at her steadily . 'When I happened to say to that naughty thing , the other day , ' pursued her mother , shaking her head and her fan at her , playfully , 'that there was a family circumstance she might mention to you -- indeed , I think , was bound to mention -- she said , that to mention it was to ask a favour ; and that , as you were too generous , and as for her to ask was always to have , she would n't . ' 'Annie , my dear , ' said the Doctor . 'That was wrong . It robbed me of a pleasure . ' 'Almost the very words I said to her ! ' exclaimed her mother . 'Now really , another time , when I know what she would tell you but for this reason , and wo n't , I have a great mind , my dear Doctor , to tell you myself . ' 'I shall be glad if you will , ' returned the Doctor . 'Shall I ? ' 'Certainly . ' 'Well , then , I will ! ' said the Old Soldier . 'That 's a bargain . ' And having , I suppose , carried her point , she tapped the Doctor 's hand several times with her fan ( which she kissed first ) , and returned triumphantly to her former station . Some more company coming in , among whom were the two masters and Adams , the talk became general ; and it naturally turned on Mr. Jack Maldon , and his voyage , and the country he was going to , and his various plans and prospects . He was to leave that night , after supper , in a post-chaise , for Gravesend ; where the ship , in which he was to make the voyage , lay ; and was to be gone -- unless he came home on leave , or for his health -- I do n't know how many years . I recollect it was settled by general consent that India was quite a misrepresented country , and had nothing objectionable in it , but a tiger or two , and a little heat in the warm part of the day . For my own part , I looked on Mr. Jack Maldon as a modern Sindbad , and pictured him the bosom friend of all the Rajahs in the East , sitting under canopies , smoking curly golden pipes -- a mile long , if they could be straightened out . Mrs. Strong was a very pretty singer : as I knew , who often heard her singing by herself . But , whether she was afraid of singing before people , or was out of voice that evening , it was certain that she could n't sing at all . She tried a duet , once , with her cousin Maldon , but could not so much as begin ; and afterwards , when she tried to sing by herself , although she began sweetly , her voice died away on a sudden , and left her quite distressed , with her head hanging down over the keys . The good Doctor said she was nervous , and , to relieve her , proposed a round game at cards ; of which he knew as much as of the art of playing the trombone . But I remarked that the Old Soldier took him into custody directly , for her partner ; and instructed him , as the first preliminary of initiation , to give her all the silver he had in his pocket . We had a merry game , not made the less merry by the Doctor 's mistakes , of which he committed an innumerable quantity , in spite of the watchfulness of the butterflies , and to their great aggravation . Mrs. Strong had declined to play , on the ground of not feeling very well ; and her cousin Maldon had excused himself because he had some packing to do . When he had done it , however , he returned , and they sat together , talking , on the sofa . From time to time she came and looked over the Doctor 's hand , and told him what to play . She was very pale , as she bent over him , and I thought her finger trembled as she pointed out the cards ; but the Doctor was quite happy in her attention , and took no notice of this , if it were so . At supper , we were hardly so gay . Everyone appeared to feel that a parting of that sort was an awkward thing , and that the nearer it approached , the more awkward it was . Mr. Jack Maldon tried to be very talkative , but was not at his ease , and made matters worse . And they were not improved , as it appeared to me , by the Old Soldier : who continually recalled passages of Mr. Jack Maldon 's youth . The Doctor , however , who felt , I am sure , that he was making everybody happy , was well pleased , and had no suspicion but that we were all at the utmost height of enjoyment . 'Annie , my dear , ' said he , looking at his watch , and filling his glass , 'it is past your cousin Jack 's time , and we must not detain him , since time and tide -- both concerned in this case -- wait for no man . Mr. Jack Maldon , you have a long voyage , and a strange country , before you ; but many men have had both , and many men will have both , to the end of time . The winds you are going to tempt , have wafted thousands upon thousands to fortune , and brought thousands upon thousands happily back . ' 'It 's an affecting thing , ' said Mrs. Markleham -- 'however it 's viewed , it 's affecting , to see a fine young man one has known from an infant , going away to the other end of the world , leaving all he knows behind , and not knowing what 's before him . A young man really well deserves constant support and patronage , ' looking at the Doctor , 'who makes such sacrifices . ' 'Time will go fast with you , Mr. Jack Maldon , ' pursued the Doctor , 'and fast with all of us . Some of us can hardly expect , perhaps , in the natural course of things , to greet you on your return . The next best thing is to hope to do it , and that 's my case . I shall not weary you with good advice . You have long had a good model before you , in your cousin Annie . Imitate her virtues as nearly as you can . ' Mrs. Markleham fanned herself , and shook her head . 'Farewell , Mr. Jack , ' said the Doctor , standing up ; on which we all stood up . 'A prosperous voyage out , a thriving career abroad , and a happy return home ! ' We all drank the toast , and all shook hands with Mr. Jack Maldon ; after which he hastily took leave of the ladies who were there , and hurried to the door , where he was received , as he got into the chaise , with a tremendous broadside of cheers discharged by our boys , who had assembled on the lawn for the purpose . Running in among them to swell the ranks , I was very near the chaise when it rolled away ; and I had a lively impression made upon me , in the midst of the noise and dust , of having seen Mr. Jack Maldon rattle past with an agitated face , and something cherry-coloured in his hand . After another broadside for the Doctor , and another for the Doctor's wife , the boys dispersed , and I went back into the house , where I found the guests all standing in a group about the Doctor , discussing how Mr. Jack Maldon had gone away , and how he had borne it , and how he had felt it , and all the rest of it . In the midst of these remarks , Mrs. Markleham cried : 'Where 's Annie ? ' No Annie was there ; and when they called to her , no Annie replied . But all pressing out of the room , in a crowd , to see what was the matter , we found her lying on the hall floor . There was great alarm at first , until it was found that she was in a swoon , and that the swoon was yielding to the usual means of recovery ; when the Doctor , who had lifted her head upon his knee , put her curls aside with his hand , and said , looking around : 'Poor Annie ! She 's so faithful and tender-hearted ! It 's the parting from her old playfellow and friend -- her favourite cousin -- that has done this . Ah ! It 's a pity ! I am very sorry ! ' When she opened her eyes , and saw where she was , and that we were all standing about her , she arose with assistance : turning her head , as she did so , to lay it on the Doctor 's shoulder -- or to hide it , I do n't know which . We went into the drawing-room , to leave her with the Doctor and her mother ; but she said , it seemed , that she was better than she had been since morning , and that she would rather be brought among us ; so they brought her in , looking very white and weak , I thought , and sat her on a sofa . 'Annie , my dear , ' said her mother , doing something to her dress . 'See here ! You have lost a bow . Will anybody be so good as find a ribbon ; a cherry-coloured ribbon ? ' It was the one she had worn at her bosom . We all looked for it ; I myself looked everywhere , I am certain -- but nobody could find it . 'Do you recollect where you had it last , Annie ? ' said her mother . I wondered how I could have thought she looked white , or anything but burning red , when she answered that she had had it safe , a little while ago , she thought , but it was not worth looking for . Nevertheless , it was looked for again , and still not found . She entreated that there might be no more searching ; but it was still sought for , in a desultory way , until she was quite well , and the company took their departure . We walked very slowly home , Mr. Wickfield , Agnes , and I -- Agnes and I admiring the moonlight , and Mr. Wickfield scarcely raising his eyes from the ground . When we , at last , reached our own door , Agnes discovered that she had left her little reticule behind . Delighted to be of any service to her , I ran back to fetch it . I went into the supper-room where it had been left , which was deserted and dark . But a door of communication between that and the Doctor's study , where there was a light , being open , I passed on there , to say what I wanted , and to get a candle . The Doctor was sitting in his easy-chair by the fireside , and his young wife was on a stool at his feet . The Doctor , with a complacent smile , was reading aloud some manuscript explanation or statement of a theory out of that interminable Dictionary , and she was looking up at him . But with such a face as I never saw . It was so beautiful in its form , it was so ashy pale , it was so fixed in its abstraction , it was so full of a wild , sleep-walking , dreamy horror of I do n't know what . The eyes were wide open , and her brown hair fell in two rich clusters on her shoulders , and on her white dress , disordered by the want of the lost ribbon . Distinctly as I recollect her look , I can not say of what it was expressive , I can not even say of what it is expressive to me now , rising again before my older judgement . Penitence , humiliation , shame , pride , love , and trustfulness -- I see them all ; and in them all , I see that horror of I do n't know what . My entrance , and my saying what I wanted , roused her . It disturbed the Doctor too , for when I went back to replace the candle I had taken from the table , he was patting her head , in his fatherly way , and saying he was a merciless drone to let her tempt him into reading on ; and he would have her go to bed . But she asked him , in a rapid , urgent manner , to let her stay -- to let her feel assured ( I heard her murmur some broken words to this effect ) that she was in his confidence that night . And , as she turned again towards him , after glancing at me as I left the room and went out at the door , I saw her cross her hands upon his knee , and look up at him with the same face , something quieted , as he resumed his reading . It made a great impression on me , and I remembered it a long time afterwards ; as I shall have occasion to narrate when the time comes . CHAPTER 17 . SOMEBODY TURNS UP It has not occurred to me to mention Peggotty since I ran away ; but , of course , I wrote her a letter almost as soon as I was housed at Dover , and another , and a longer letter , containing all particulars fully related , when my aunt took me formally under her protection . On my being settled at Doctor Strong 's I wrote to her again , detailing my happy condition and prospects . I never could have derived anything like the pleasure from spending the money Mr. Dick had given me , that I felt in sending a gold half-guinea to Peggotty , per post , enclosed in this last letter , to discharge the sum I had borrowed of her : in which epistle , not before , I mentioned about the young man with the donkey-cart . To these communications Peggotty replied as promptly , if not as concisely , as a merchant 's clerk . Her utmost powers of expression ( which were certainly not great in ink ) were exhausted in the attempt to write what she felt on the subject of my journey . Four sides of incoherent and interjectional beginnings of sentences , that had no end , except blots , were inadequate to afford her any relief . But the blots were more expressive to me than the best composition ; for they showed me that Peggotty had been crying all over the paper , and what could I have desired more ? I made out , without much difficulty , that she could not take quite kindly to my aunt yet . The notice was too short after so long a prepossession the other way . We never knew a person , she wrote ; but to think that Miss Betsey should seem to be so different from what she had been thought to be , was a Moral ! -- that was her word . She was evidently still afraid of Miss Betsey , for she sent her grateful duty to her but timidly ; and she was evidently afraid of me , too , and entertained the probability of my running away again soon : if I might judge from the repeated hints she threw out , that the coach-fare to Yarmouth was always to be had of her for the asking . She gave me one piece of intelligence which affected me very much , namely , that there had been a sale of the furniture at our old home , and that Mr. and Miss Murdstone were gone away , and the house was shut up , to be let or sold . God knows I had no part in it while they remained there , but it pained me to think of the dear old place as altogether abandoned ; of the weeds growing tall in the garden , and the fallen leaves lying thick and wet upon the paths . I imagined how the winds of winter would howl round it , how the cold rain would beat upon the window-glass , how the moon would make ghosts on the walls of the empty rooms , watching their solitude all night . I thought afresh of the grave in the churchyard , underneath the tree : and it seemed as if the house were dead too , now , and all connected with my father and mother were faded away . There was no other news in Peggotty 's letters . Mr. Barkis was an excellent husband , she said , though still a little near ; but we all had our faults , and she had plenty ( though I am sure I do n't know what they were ) ; and he sent his duty , and my little bedroom was always ready for me . Mr. Peggotty was well , and Ham was well , and Mrs.. Gummidge was but poorly , and little Em'ly would n't send her love , but said that Peggotty might send it , if she liked . All this intelligence I dutifully imparted to my aunt , only reserving to myself the mention of little Em'ly , to whom I instinctively felt that she would not very tenderly incline . While I was yet new at Doctor Strong 's , she made several excursions over to Canterbury to see me , and always at unseasonable hours : with the view , I suppose , of taking me by surprise . But , finding me well employed , and bearing a good character , and hearing on all hands that I rose fast in the school , she soon discontinued these visits . I saw her on a Saturday , every third or fourth week , when I went over to Dover for a treat ; and I saw Mr. Dick every alternate Wednesday , when he arrived by stage-coach at noon , to stay until next morning . On these occasions Mr. Dick never travelled without a leathern writing-desk , containing a supply of stationery and the Memorial ; in relation to which document he had a notion that time was beginning to press now , and that it really must be got out of hand . Mr. Dick was very partial to gingerbread . To render his visits the more agreeable , my aunt had instructed me to open a credit for him at a cake shop , which was hampered with the stipulation that he should not be served with more than one shilling's-worth in the course of any one day . This , and the reference of all his little bills at the county inn where he slept , to my aunt , before they were paid , induced me to suspect that he was only allowed to rattle his money , and not to spend it . I found on further investigation that this was so , or at least there was an agreement between him and my aunt that he should account to her for all his disbursements . As he had no idea of deceiving her , and always desired to please her , he was thus made chary of launching into expense . On this point , as well as on all other possible points , Mr. Dick was convinced that my aunt was the wisest and most wonderful of women ; as he repeatedly told me with infinite secrecy , and always in a whisper . 'Trotwood , ' said Mr. Dick , with an air of mystery , after imparting this confidence to me , one Wednesday ; 'who 's the man that hides near our house and frightens her ? ' 'Frightens my aunt , sir ? ' Mr. Dick nodded . 'I thought nothing would have frightened her , ' he said , 'for she 's -- ' here he whispered softly , 'do n't mention it -- the wisest and most wonderful of women . ' Having said which , he drew back , to observe the effect which this description of her made upon me . 'The first time he came , ' said Mr. Dick , 'was -- let me see -- sixteen hundred and forty-nine was the date of King Charles 's execution . I think you said sixteen hundred and forty-nine ? ' 'Yes , sir . ' 'I do n't know how it can be , ' said Mr. Dick , sorely puzzled and shaking his head . 'I do n't think I am as old as that . ' 'Was it in that year that the man appeared , sir ? ' I asked . 'Why , really ' said Mr. Dick , 'I do n't see how it can have been in that year , Trotwood . Did you get that date out of history ? ' 'Yes , sir . ' 'I suppose history never lies , does it ? ' said Mr. Dick , with a gleam of hope . 'Oh dear , no , sir ! ' I replied , most decisively . I was ingenuous and young , and I thought so . 'I ca n't make it out , ' said Mr. Dick , shaking his head . 'There's something wrong , somewhere . However , it was very soon after the mistake was made of putting some of the trouble out of King Charles 's head into my head , that the man first came . I was walking out with Miss Trotwood after tea , just at dark , and there he was , close to our house . ' 'Walking about ? ' I inquired . 'Walking about ? ' repeated Mr. Dick . 'Let me see , I must recollect a bit . N-no , no ; he was not walking about . ' I asked , as the shortest way to get at it , what he WAS doing . 'Well , he was n't there at all , ' said Mr. Dick , 'until he came up behind her , and whispered . Then she turned round and fainted , and I stood still and looked at him , and he walked away ; but that he should have been hiding ever since ( in the ground or somewhere ) , is the most extraordinary thing ! ' 'HAS he been hiding ever since ? ' I asked . 'To be sure he has , ' retorted Mr. Dick , nodding his head gravely . 'Never came out , till last night ! We were walking last night , and he came up behind her again , and I knew him again . ' 'And did he frighten my aunt again ? ' 'All of a shiver , ' said Mr. Dick , counterfeiting that affection and making his teeth chatter . 'Held by the palings . Cried . But , Trotwood , come here , ' getting me close to him , that he might whisper very softly ; 'why did she give him money , boy , in the moonlight ? ' 'He was a beggar , perhaps . ' Mr. Dick shook his head , as utterly renouncing the suggestion ; and having replied a great many times , and with great confidence , 'No beggar , no beggar , no beggar , sir ! ' went on to say , that from his window he had afterwards , and late at night , seen my aunt give this person money outside the garden rails in the moonlight , who then slunk away -- into the ground again , as he thought probable -- and was seen no more : while my aunt came hurriedly and secretly back into the house , and had , even that morning , been quite different from her usual self ; which preyed on Mr. Dick 's mind . I had not the least belief , in the outset of this story , that the unknown was anything but a delusion of Mr. Dick 's , and one of the line of that ill-fated Prince who occasioned him so much difficulty ; but after some reflection I began to entertain the question whether an attempt , or threat of an attempt , might have been twice made to take poor Mr. Dick himself from under my aunt 's protection , and whether my aunt , the strength of whose kind feeling towards him I knew from herself , might have been induced to pay a price for his peace and quiet . As I was already much attached to Mr. Dick , and very solicitous for his welfare , my fears favoured this supposition ; and for a long time his Wednesday hardly ever came round , without my entertaining a misgiving that he would not be on the coach-box as usual . There he always appeared , however , grey-headed , laughing , and happy ; and he never had anything more to tell of the man who could frighten my aunt . These Wednesdays were the happiest days of Mr. Dick 's life ; they were far from being the least happy of mine . He soon became known to every boy in the school ; and though he never took an active part in any game but kite-flying , was as deeply interested in all our sports as anyone among us . How often have I seen him , intent upon a match at marbles or pegtop , looking on with a face of unutterable interest , and hardly breathing at the critical times ! How often , at hare and hounds , have I seen him mounted on a little knoll , cheering the whole field on to action , and waving his hat above his grey head , oblivious of King Charles the Martyr 's head , and all belonging to it ! How many a summer hour have I known to be but blissful minutes to him in the cricket-field ! How many winter days have I seen him , standing blue-nosed , in the snow and east wind , looking at the boys going down the long slide , and clapping his worsted gloves in rapture ! He was an universal favourite , and his ingenuity in little things was transcendent . He could cut oranges into such devices as none of us had an idea of . He could make a boat out of anything , from a skewer upwards . He could turn cramp-bones into chessmen ; fashion Roman chariots from old court cards ; make spoked wheels out of cotton reels , and bird-cages of old wire . But he was greatest of all , perhaps , in the articles of string and straw ; with which we were all persuaded he could do anything that could be done by hands . Mr. Dick 's renown was not long confined to us . After a few Wednesdays , Doctor Strong himself made some inquiries of me about him , and I told him all my aunt had told me ; which interested the Doctor so much that he requested , on the occasion of his next visit , to be presented to him . This ceremony I performed ; and the Doctor begging Mr. Dick , whensoever he should not find me at the coach office , to come on there , and rest himself until our morning 's work was over , it soon passed into a custom for Mr. Dick to come on as a matter of course , and , if we were a little late , as often happened on a Wednesday , to walk about the courtyard , waiting for me . Here he made the acquaintance of the Doctor 's beautiful young wife ( paler than formerly , all this time ; more rarely seen by me or anyone , I think ; and not so gay , but not less beautiful ) , and so became more and more familiar by degrees , until , at last , he would come into the school and wait . He always sat in a particular corner , on a particular stool , which was called 'Dick ' , after him ; here he would sit , with his grey head bent forward , attentively listening to whatever might be going on , with a profound veneration for the learning he had never been able to acquire . This veneration Mr. Dick extended to the Doctor , whom he thought the most subtle and accomplished philosopher of any age . It was long before Mr. Dick ever spoke to him otherwise than bareheaded ; and even when he and the Doctor had struck up quite a friendship , and would walk together by the hour , on that side of the courtyard which was known among us as The Doctor 's Walk , Mr. Dick would pull off his hat at intervals to show his respect for wisdom and knowledge . How it ever came about that the Doctor began to read out scraps of the famous Dictionary , in these walks , I never knew ; perhaps he felt it all the same , at first , as reading to himself . However , it passed into a custom too ; and Mr. Dick , listening with a face shining with pride and pleasure , in his heart of hearts believed the Dictionary to be the most delightful book in the world . As I think of them going up and down before those schoolroom windows -- the Doctor reading with his complacent smile , an occasional flourish of the manuscript , or grave motion of his head ; and Mr. Dick listening , enchained by interest , with his poor wits calmly wandering God knows where , upon the wings of hard words -- I think of it as one of the pleasantest things , in a quiet way , that I have ever seen . I feel as if they might go walking to and fro for ever , and the world might somehow be the better for it -- as if a thousand things it makes a noise about , were not one half so good for it , or me . Agnes was one of Mr. Dick 's friends , very soon ; and in often coming to the house , he made acquaintance with Uriah . The friendship between himself and me increased continually , and it was maintained on this odd footing : that , while Mr. Dick came professedly to look after me as my guardian , he always consulted me in any little matter of doubt that arose , and invariably guided himself by my advice ; not only having a high respect for my native sagacity , but considering that I inherited a good deal from my aunt . One Thursday morning , when I was about to walk with Mr. Dick from the hotel to the coach office before going back to school ( for we had an hour 's school before breakfast ) , I met Uriah in the street , who reminded me of the promise I had made to take tea with himself and his mother : adding , with a writhe , 'But I did n't expect you to keep it , Master Copperfield , we 're so very umble . ' I really had not yet been able to make up my mind whether I liked Uriah or detested him ; and I was very doubtful about it still , as I stood looking him in the face in the street . But I felt it quite an affront to be supposed proud , and said I only wanted to be asked . 'Oh , if that 's all , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah , 'and it really is n't our umbleness that prevents you , will you come this evening ? But if it is our umbleness , I hope you wo n't mind owning to it , Master Copperfield ; for we are well aware of our condition . ' I said I would mention it to Mr. Wickfield , and if he approved , as I had no doubt he would , I would come with pleasure . So , at six o'clock that evening , which was one of the early office evenings , I announced myself as ready , to Uriah . 'Mother will be proud , indeed , ' he said , as we walked away together . 'Or she would be proud , if it was n't sinful , Master Copperfield . ' 'Yet you did n't mind supposing I was proud this morning , ' I returned . 'Oh dear , no , Master Copperfield ! ' returned Uriah . 'Oh , believe me , no ! Such a thought never came into my head ! I should n't have deemed it at all proud if you had thought US too umble for you . Because we are so very umble . ' 'Have you been studying much law lately ? ' I asked , to change the subject . 'Oh , Master Copperfield , ' he said , with an air of self-denial , 'my reading is hardly to be called study . I have passed an hour or two in the evening , sometimes , with Mr . Tidd . ' 'Rather hard , I suppose ? ' said I . 'He is hard to me sometimes , ' returned Uriah . 'But I do n't know what he might be to a gifted person . ' After beating a little tune on his chin as he walked on , with the two forefingers of his skeleton right hand , he added : 'There are expressions , you see , Master Copperfield -- Latin words and terms -- in Mr. Tidd , that are trying to a reader of my umble attainments . ' 'Would you like to be taught Latin ? ' I said briskly . 'I will teach it you with pleasure , as I learn it . ' 'Oh , thank you , Master Copperfield , ' he answered , shaking his head . 'I am sure it 's very kind of you to make the offer , but I am much too umble to accept it . ' 'What nonsense , Uriah ! ' 'Oh , indeed you must excuse me , Master Copperfield ! I am greatly obliged , and I should like it of all things , I assure you ; but I am far too umble . There are people enough to tread upon me in my lowly state , without my doing outrage to their feelings by possessing learning . Learning ai n't for me . A person like myself had better not aspire . If he is to get on in life , he must get on umbly , Master Copperfield ! ' I never saw his mouth so wide , or the creases in his cheeks so deep , as when he delivered himself of these sentiments : shaking his head all the time , and writhing modestly . 'I think you are wrong , Uriah , ' I said . 'I dare say there are several things that I could teach you , if you would like to learn them . ' 'Oh , I do n't doubt that , Master Copperfield , ' he answered ; 'not in the least . But not being umble yourself , you do n't judge well , perhaps , for them that are . I wo n't provoke my betters with knowledge , thank you . I'm much too umble . Here is my umble dwelling , Master Copperfield ! ' We entered a low , old-fashioned room , walked straight into from the street , and found there Mrs. Heep , who was the dead image of Uriah , only short . She received me with the utmost humility , and apologized to me for giving her son a kiss , observing that , lowly as they were , they had their natural affections , which they hoped would give no offence to anyone . It was a perfectly decent room , half parlour and half kitchen , but not at all a snug room . The tea-things were set upon the table , and the kettle was boiling on the hob . There was a chest of drawers with an escritoire top , for Uriah to read or write at of an evening ; there was Uriah 's blue bag lying down and vomiting papers ; there was a company of Uriah 's books commanded by Mr. Tidd ; there was a corner cupboard : and there were the usual articles of furniture . I do n't remember that any individual object had a bare , pinched , spare look ; but I do remember that the whole place had . It was perhaps a part of Mrs. Heep 's humility , that she still wore weeds . Notwithstanding the lapse of time that had occurred since Mr. Heep 's decease , she still wore weeds . I think there was some compromise in the cap ; but otherwise she was as weedy as in the early days of her mourning . 'This is a day to be remembered , my Uriah , I am sure , ' said Mrs. Heep , making the tea , 'when Master Copperfield pays us a visit . ' 'I said you 'd think so , mother , ' said Uriah . 'If I could have wished father to remain among us for any reason , ' said Mrs. Heep , 'it would have been , that he might have known his company this afternoon . ' I felt embarrassed by these compliments ; but I was sensible , too , of being entertained as an honoured guest , and I thought Mrs. Heep an agreeable woman . 'My Uriah , ' said Mrs. Heep , 'has looked forward to this , sir , a long while . He had his fears that our umbleness stood in the way , and I joined in them myself . Umble we are , umble we have been , umble we shall ever be , ' said Mrs. Heep . 'I am sure you have no occasion to be so , ma'am , ' I said , 'unless you like . ' 'Thank you , sir , ' retorted Mrs. Heep . 'We know our station and are thankful in it . ' I found that Mrs. Heep gradually got nearer to me , and that Uriah gradually got opposite to me , and that they respectfully plied me with the choicest of the eatables on the table . There was nothing particularly choice there , to be sure ; but I took the will for the deed , and felt that they were very attentive . Presently they began to talk about aunts , and then I told them about mine ; and about fathers and mothers , and then I told them about mine ; and then Mrs. Heep began to talk about fathers-in-law , and then I began to tell her about mine -- but stopped , because my aunt had advised me to observe a silence on that subject . A tender young cork , however , would have had no more chance against a pair of corkscrews , or a tender young tooth against a pair of dentists , or a little shuttlecock against two battledores , than I had against Uriah and Mrs. Heep . They did just what they liked with me ; and wormed things out of me that I had no desire to tell , with a certainty I blush to think of , the more especially , as in my juvenile frankness , I took some credit to myself for being so confidential and felt that I was quite the patron of my two respectful entertainers . They were very fond of one another : that was certain . I take it , that had its effect upon me , as a touch of nature ; but the skill with which the one followed up whatever the other said , was a touch of art which I was still less proof against . When there was nothing more to be got out of me about myself ( for on the Murdstone and Grinby life , and on my journey , I was dumb ) , they began about Mr. Wickfield and Agnes . Uriah threw the ball to Mrs. Heep , Mrs. Heep caught it and threw it back to Uriah , Uriah kept it up a little while , then sent it back to Mrs. Heep , and so they went on tossing it about until I had no idea who had got it , and was quite bewildered . The ball itself was always changing too . Now it was Mr. Wickfield , now Agnes , now the excellence of Mr. Wickfield , now my admiration of Agnes ; now the extent of Mr. Wickfield 's business and resources , now our domestic life after dinner ; now , the wine that Mr. Wickfield took , the reason why he took it , and the pity that it was he took so much ; now one thing , now another , then everything at once ; and all the time , without appearing to speak very often , or to do anything but sometimes encourage them a little , for fear they should be overcome by their humility and the honour of my company , I found myself perpetually letting out something or other that I had no business to let out and seeing the effect of it in the twinkling of Uriah 's dinted nostrils . I had begun to be a little uncomfortable , and to wish myself well out of the visit , when a figure coming down the street passed the door -- it stood open to air the room , which was warm , the weather being close for the time of year -- came back again , looked in , and walked in , exclaiming loudly , 'Copperfield ! Is it possible ? ' It was Mr. Micawber ! It was Mr. Micawber , with his eye-glass , and his walking-stick , and his shirt-collar , and his genteel air , and the condescending roll in his voice , all complete ! 'My dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , putting out his hand , 'this is indeed a meeting which is calculated to impress the mind with a sense of the instability and uncertainty of all human -- in short , it is a most extraordinary meeting . Walking along the street , reflecting upon the probability of something turning up ( of which I am at present rather sanguine ) , I find a young but valued friend turn up , who is connected with the most eventful period of my life ; I may say , with the turning-point of my existence . Copperfield , my dear fellow , how do you do ? ' I can not say -- I really can not say -- that I was glad to see Mr. Micawber there ; but I was glad to see him too , and shook hands with him , heartily , inquiring how Mrs. Micawber was . 'Thank you , ' said Mr. Micawber , waving his hand as of old , and settling his chin in his shirt-collar . 'She is tolerably convalescent . The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature 's founts -- in short , ' said Mr. Micawber , in one of his bursts of confidence , 'they are weaned -- and Mrs. Micawber is , at present , my travelling companion . She will be rejoiced , Copperfield , to renew her acquaintance with one who has proved himself in all respects a worthy minister at the sacred altar of friendship . ' I said I should be delighted to see her . 'You are very good , ' said Mr. Micawber . Mr. Micawber then smiled , settled his chin again , and looked about him . 'I have discovered my friend Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber genteelly , and without addressing himself particularly to anyone , 'not in solitude , but partaking of a social meal in company with a widow lady , and one who is apparently her offspring -- in short , ' said Mr. Micawber , in another of his bursts of confidence , 'her son . I shall esteem it an honour to be presented . ' I could do no less , under these circumstances , than make Mr. Micawber known to Uriah Heep and his mother ; which I accordingly did . As they abased themselves before him , Mr. Micawber took a seat , and waved his hand in his most courtly manner . 'Any friend of my friend Copperfield 's , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'has a personal claim upon myself . ' 'We are too umble , sir , ' said Mrs. Heep , 'my son and me , to be the friends of Master Copperfield . He has been so good as take his tea with us , and we are thankful to him for his company , also to you , sir , for your notice . ' 'Ma'am , ' returned Mr. Micawber , with a bow , 'you are very obliging : and what are you doing , Copperfield ? Still in the wine trade ? ' I was excessively anxious to get Mr. Micawber away ; and replied , with my hat in my hand , and a very red face , I have no doubt , that I was a pupil at Doctor Strong 's . 'A pupil ? ' said Mr. Micawber , raising his eyebrows . 'I am extremely happy to hear it . Although a mind like my friend Copperfield's ' -- to Uriah and Mrs. Heep -- 'does not require that cultivation which , without his knowledge of men and things , it would require , still it is a rich soil teeming with latent vegetation -- in short , ' said Mr. Micawber , smiling , in another burst of confidence , 'it is an intellect capable of getting up the classics to any extent . ' Uriah , with his long hands slowly twining over one another , made a ghastly writhe from the waist upwards , to express his concurrence in this estimation of me . 'Shall we go and see Mrs. Micawber , sir ? ' I said , to get Mr. Micawber away . 'If you will do her that favour , Copperfield , ' replied Mr. Micawber , rising . 'I have no scruple in saying , in the presence of our friends here , that I am a man who has , for some years , contended against the pressure of pecuniary difficulties . ' I knew he was certain to say something of this kind ; he always would be so boastful about his difficulties . 'Sometimes I have risen superior to my difficulties . Sometimes my difficulties have -- in short , have floored me . There have been times when I have administered a succession of facers to them ; there have been times when they have been too many for me , and I have given in , and said to Mrs. Micawber , in the words of Cato , `` Plato , thou reasonest well . It 's all up now . I can show fight no more . '' But at no time of my life , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'have I enjoyed a higher degree of satisfaction than in pouring my griefs ( if I may describe difficulties , chiefly arising out of warrants of attorney and promissory notes at two and four months , by that word ) into the bosom of my friend Copperfield . ' Mr. Micawber closed this handsome tribute by saying , 'Mr . Heep ! Good evening . Mrs. Heep ! Your servant , ' and then walking out with me in his most fashionable manner , making a good deal of noise on the pavement with his shoes , and humming a tune as we went . It was a little inn where Mr. Micawber put up , and he occupied a little room in it , partitioned off from the commercial room , and strongly flavoured with tobacco-smoke . I think it was over the kitchen , because a warm greasy smell appeared to come up through the chinks in the floor , and there was a flabby perspiration on the walls . I know it was near the bar , on account of the smell of spirits and jingling of glasses . Here , recumbent on a small sofa , underneath a picture of a race-horse , with her head close to the fire , and her feet pushing the mustard off the dumb-waiter at the other end of the room , was Mrs. Micawber , to whom Mr. Micawber entered first , saying , 'My dear , allow me to introduce to you a pupil of Doctor Strong 's . ' I noticed , by the by , that although Mr. Micawber was just as much confused as ever about my age and standing , he always remembered , as a genteel thing , that I was a pupil of Doctor Strong 's . Mrs. Micawber was amazed , but very glad to see me . I was very glad to see her too , and , after an affectionate greeting on both sides , sat down on the small sofa near her . 'My dear , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'if you will mention to Copperfield what our present position is , which I have no doubt he will like to know , I will go and look at the paper the while , and see whether anything turns up among the advertisements . ' 'I thought you were at Plymouth , ma'am , ' I said to Mrs. Micawber , as he went out . 'My dear Master Copperfield , ' she replied , 'we went to Plymouth . ' 'To be on the spot , ' I hinted . 'Just so , ' said Mrs. Micawber . 'To be on the spot . But , the truth is , talent is not wanted in the Custom House . The local influence of my family was quite unavailing to obtain any employment in that department , for a man of Mr. Micawber 's abilities . They would rather NOT have a man of Mr. Micawber 's abilities . He would only show the deficiency of the others . Apart from which , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'I will not disguise from you , my dear Master Copperfield , that when that branch of my family which is settled in Plymouth , became aware that Mr. Micawber was accompanied by myself , and by little Wilkins and his sister , and by the twins , they did not receive him with that ardour which he might have expected , being so newly released from captivity . In fact , ' said Mrs. Micawber , lowering her voice , -- 'this is between ourselves -- our reception was cool . ' 'Dear me ! ' I said . 'Yes , ' said Mrs. Micawber . 'It is truly painful to contemplate mankind in such an aspect , Master Copperfield , but our reception was , decidedly , cool . There is no doubt about it . In fact , that branch of my family which is settled in Plymouth became quite personal to Mr. Micawber , before we had been there a week . ' I said , and thought , that they ought to be ashamed of themselves . 'Still , so it was , ' continued Mrs. Micawber . 'Under such circumstances , what could a man of Mr. Micawber 's spirit do ? But one obvious course was left . To borrow , of that branch of my family , the money to return to London , and to return at any sacrifice . ' 'Then you all came back again , ma'am ? ' I said . 'We all came back again , ' replied Mrs. Micawber . 'Since then , I have consulted other branches of my family on the course which it is most expedient for Mr. Micawber to take -- for I maintain that he must take some course , Master Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , argumentatively . 'It is clear that a family of six , not including a domestic , can not live upon air . ' 'Certainly , ma'am , ' said I . 'The opinion of those other branches of my family , ' pursued Mrs. Micawber , 'is , that Mr. Micawber should immediately turn his attention to coals . ' 'To what , ma'am ? ' 'To coals , ' said Mrs. Micawber . 'To the coal trade . Mr. Micawber was induced to think , on inquiry , that there might be an opening for a man of his talent in the Medway Coal Trade . Then , as Mr. Micawber very properly said , the first step to be taken clearly was , to come and see the Medway . Which we came and saw . I say `` we '' , Master Copperfield ; for I never will , ' said Mrs. Micawber with emotion , 'I never will desert Mr . Micawber . ' I murmured my admiration and approbation . 'We came , ' repeated Mrs. Micawber , 'and saw the Medway . My opinion of the coal trade on that river is , that it may require talent , but that it certainly requires capital . Talent , Mr. Micawber has ; capital , Mr. Micawber has not . We saw , I think , the greater part of the Medway ; and that is my individual conclusion . Being so near here , Mr. Micawber was of opinion that it would be rash not to come on , and see the Cathedral . Firstly , on account of its being so well worth seeing , and our never having seen it ; and secondly , on account of the great probability of something turning up in a cathedral town . We have been here , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'three days . Nothing has , as yet , turned up ; and it may not surprise you , my dear Master Copperfield , so much as it would a stranger , to know that we are at present waiting for a remittance from London , to discharge our pecuniary obligations at this hotel . Until the arrival of that remittance , ' said Mrs. Micawber with much feeling , 'I am cut off from my home ( I allude to lodgings in Pentonville ) , from my boy and girl , and from my twins . ' I felt the utmost sympathy for Mr. and Mrs. Micawber in this anxious extremity , and said as much to Mr. Micawber , who now returned : adding that I only wished I had money enough , to lend them the amount they needed . Mr. Micawber 's answer expressed the disturbance of his mind . He said , shaking hands with me , 'Copperfield , you are a true friend ; but when the worst comes to the worst , no man is without a friend who is possessed of shaving materials . ' At this dreadful hint Mrs. Micawber threw her arms round Mr. Micawber 's neck and entreated him to be calm . He wept ; but so far recovered , almost immediately , as to ring the bell for the waiter , and bespeak a hot kidney pudding and a plate of shrimps for breakfast in the morning . When I took my leave of them , they both pressed me so much to come and dine before they went away , that I could not refuse . But , as I knew I could not come next day , when I should have a good deal to prepare in the evening , Mr. Micawber arranged that he would call at Doctor Strong's in the course of the morning ( having a presentiment that the remittance would arrive by that post ) , and propose the day after , if it would suit me better . Accordingly I was called out of school next forenoon , and found Mr. Micawber in the parlour ; who had called to say that the dinner would take place as proposed . When I asked him if the remittance had come , he pressed my hand and departed . As I was looking out of window that same evening , it surprised me , and made me rather uneasy , to see Mr. Micawber and Uriah Heep walk past , arm in arm : Uriah humbly sensible of the honour that was done him , and Mr. Micawber taking a bland delight in extending his patronage to Uriah . But I was still more surprised , when I went to the little hotel next day at the appointed dinner-hour , which was four o'clock , to find , from what Mr. Micawber said , that he had gone home with Uriah , and had drunk brandy-and-water at Mrs. Heep 's . 'And I 'll tell you what , my dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'your friend Heep is a young fellow who might be attorney-general . If I had known that young man , at the period when my difficulties came to a crisis , all I can say is , that I believe my creditors would have been a great deal better managed than they were . ' I hardly understood how this could have been , seeing that Mr. Micawber had paid them nothing at all as it was ; but I did not like to ask . Neither did I like to say , that I hoped he had not been too communicative to Uriah ; or to inquire if they had talked much about me . I was afraid of hurting Mr. Micawber 's feelings , or , at all events , Mrs. Micawber 's , she being very sensitive ; but I was uncomfortable about it , too , and often thought about it afterwards . We had a beautiful little dinner . Quite an elegant dish of fish ; the kidney-end of a loin of veal , roasted ; fried sausage-meat ; a partridge , and a pudding . There was wine , and there was strong ale ; and after dinner Mrs. Micawber made us a bowl of hot punch with her own hands . Mr. Micawber was uncommonly convivial . I never saw him such good company . He made his face shine with the punch , so that it looked as if it had been varnished all over . He got cheerfully sentimental about the town , and proposed success to it ; observing that Mrs. Micawber and himself had been made extremely snug and comfortable there and that he never should forget the agreeable hours they had passed in Canterbury . He proposed me afterwards ; and he , and Mrs. Micawber , and I , took a review of our past acquaintance , in the course of which we sold the property all over again . Then I proposed Mrs. Micawber : or , at least , said , modestly , 'If you 'll allow me , Mrs. Micawber , I shall now have the pleasure of drinking your health , ma'am . ' On which Mr. Micawber delivered an eulogium on Mrs. Micawber 's character , and said she had ever been his guide , philosopher , and friend , and that he would recommend me , when I came to a marrying time of life , to marry such another woman , if such another woman could be found . As the punch disappeared , Mr. Micawber became still more friendly and convivial . Mrs. Micawber 's spirits becoming elevated , too , we sang 'Auld Lang Syne ' . When we came to 'Here 's a hand , my trusty frere ' , we all joined hands round the table ; and when we declared we would 'take a right gude Willie Waught ' , and had n't the least idea what it meant , we were really affected . In a word , I never saw anybody so thoroughly jovial as Mr. Micawber was , down to the very last moment of the evening , when I took a hearty farewell of himself and his amiable wife . Consequently , I was not prepared , at seven o'clock next morning , to receive the following communication , dated half past nine in the evening ; a quarter of an hour after I had left him : -- 'My DEAR YOUNG FRIEND , 'The die is cast -- all is over . Hiding the ravages of care with a sickly mask of mirth , I have not informed you , this evening , that there is no hope of the remittance ! Under these circumstances , alike humiliating to endure , humiliating to contemplate , and humiliating to relate , I have discharged the pecuniary liability contracted at this establishment , by giving a note of hand , made payable fourteen days after date , at my residence , Pentonville , London . When it becomes due , it will not be taken up . The result is destruction . The bolt is impending , and the tree must fall . 'Let the wretched man who now addresses you , my dear Copperfield , be a beacon to you through life . He writes with that intention , and in that hope . If he could think himself of so much use , one gleam of day might , by possibility , penetrate into the cheerless dungeon of his remaining existence -- though his longevity is , at present ( to say the least of it ) , extremely problematical . 'This is the last communication , my dear Copperfield , you will ever receive 'From 'The 'Beggared Outcast , 'WILKINS MICAWBER . ' I was so shocked by the contents of this heart-rending letter , that I ran off directly towards the little hotel with the intention of taking it on my way to Doctor Strong 's , and trying to soothe Mr. Micawber with a word of comfort . But , half-way there , I met the London coach with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber up behind ; Mr. Micawber , the very picture of tranquil enjoyment , smiling at Mrs. Micawber 's conversation , eating walnuts out of a paper bag , with a bottle sticking out of his breast pocket . As they did not see me , I thought it best , all things considered , not to see them . So , with a great weight taken off my mind , I turned into a by-street that was the nearest way to school , and felt , upon the whole , relieved that they were gone ; though I still liked them very much , nevertheless . CHAPTER 18 . A RETROSPECT My school-days ! The silent gliding on of my existence -- the unseen , unfelt progress of my life -- from childhood up to youth ! Let me think , as I look back upon that flowing water , now a dry channel overgrown with leaves , whether there are any marks along its course , by which I can remember how it ran . A moment , and I occupy my place in the Cathedral , where we all went together , every Sunday morning , assembling first at school for that purpose . The earthy smell , the sunless air , the sensation of the world being shut out , the resounding of the organ through the black and white arched galleries and aisles , are wings that take me back , and hold me hovering above those days , in a half-sleeping and half-waking dream . I am not the last boy in the school . I have risen in a few months , over several heads . But the first boy seems to me a mighty creature , dwelling afar off , whose giddy height is unattainable . Agnes says 'No , ' but I say 'Yes , ' and tell her that she little thinks what stores of knowledge have been mastered by the wonderful Being , at whose place she thinks I , even I , weak aspirant , may arrive in time . He is not my private friend and public patron , as Steerforth was , but I hold him in a reverential respect . I chiefly wonder what he 'll be , when he leaves Doctor Strong 's , and what mankind will do to maintain any place against him . But who is this that breaks upon me ? This is Miss Shepherd , whom I love . Miss Shepherd is a boarder at the Misses Nettingalls ' establishment . I adore Miss Shepherd . She is a little girl , in a spencer , with a round face and curly flaxen hair . The Misses Nettingalls ' young ladies come to the Cathedral too . I can not look upon my book , for I must look upon Miss Shepherd . When the choristers chaunt , I hear Miss Shepherd . In the service I mentally insert Miss Shepherd 's name -- I put her in among the Royal Family . At home , in my own room , I am sometimes moved to cry out , 'Oh , Miss Shepherd ! ' in a transport of love . For some time , I am doubtful of Miss Shepherd 's feelings , but , at length , Fate being propitious , we meet at the dancing-school . I have Miss Shepherd for my partner . I touch Miss Shepherd 's glove , and feel a thrill go up the right arm of my jacket , and come out at my hair . I say nothing to Miss Shepherd , but we understand each other . Miss Shepherd and myself live but to be united . Why do I secretly give Miss Shepherd twelve Brazil nuts for a present , I wonder ? They are not expressive of affection , they are difficult to pack into a parcel of any regular shape , they are hard to crack , even in room doors , and they are oily when cracked ; yet I feel that they are appropriate to Miss Shepherd . Soft , seedy biscuits , also , I bestow upon Miss Shepherd ; and oranges innumerable . Once , I kiss Miss Shepherd in the cloak-room . Ecstasy ! What are my agony and indignation next day , when I hear a flying rumour that the Misses Nettingall have stood Miss Shepherd in the stocks for turning in her toes ! Miss Shepherd being the one pervading theme and vision of my life , how do I ever come to break with her ? I ca n't conceive . And yet a coolness grows between Miss Shepherd and myself . Whispers reach me of Miss Shepherd having said she wished I would n't stare so , and having avowed a preference for Master Jones -- for Jones ! a boy of no merit whatever ! The gulf between me and Miss Shepherd widens . At last , one day , I meet the Misses Nettingalls ' establishment out walking . Miss Shepherd makes a face as she goes by , and laughs to her companion . All is over . The devotion of a life -- it seems a life , it is all the same -- is at an end ; Miss Shepherd comes out of the morning service , and the Royal Family know her no more . I am higher in the school , and no one breaks my peace . I am not at all polite , now , to the Misses Nettingalls ' young ladies , and shouldn't dote on any of them , if they were twice as many and twenty times as beautiful . I think the dancing-school a tiresome affair , and wonder why the girls ca n't dance by themselves and leave us alone . I am growing great in Latin verses , and neglect the laces of my boots . Doctor Strong refers to me in public as a promising young scholar . Mr. Dick is wild with joy , and my aunt remits me a guinea by the next post . The shade of a young butcher rises , like the apparition of an armed head in Macbeth . Who is this young butcher ? He is the terror of the youth of Canterbury . There is a vague belief abroad , that the beef suet with which he anoints his hair gives him unnatural strength , and that he is a match for a man . He is a broad-faced , bull-necked , young butcher , with rough red cheeks , an ill-conditioned mind , and an injurious tongue . His main use of this tongue , is , to disparage Doctor Strong 's young gentlemen . He says , publicly , that if they want anything he 'll give it 'em . He names individuals among them ( myself included ) , whom he could undertake to settle with one hand , and the other tied behind him . He waylays the smaller boys to punch their unprotected heads , and calls challenges after me in the open streets . For these sufficient reasons I resolve to fight the butcher . It is a summer evening , down in a green hollow , at the corner of a wall . I meet the butcher by appointment . I am attended by a select body of our boys ; the butcher , by two other butchers , a young publican , and a sweep . The preliminaries are adjusted , and the butcher and myself stand face to face . In a moment the butcher lights ten thousand candles out of my left eyebrow . In another moment , I do n't know where the wall is , or where I am , or where anybody is . I hardly know which is myself and which the butcher , we are always in such a tangle and tussle , knocking about upon the trodden grass . Sometimes I see the butcher , bloody but confident ; sometimes I see nothing , and sit gasping on my second 's knee ; sometimes I go in at the butcher madly , and cut my knuckles open against his face , without appearing to discompose him at all . At last I awake , very queer about the head , as from a giddy sleep , and see the butcher walking off , congratulated by the two other butchers and the sweep and publican , and putting on his coat as he goes ; from which I augur , justly , that the victory is his . I am taken home in a sad plight , and I have beef-steaks put to my eyes , and am rubbed with vinegar and brandy , and find a great puffy place bursting out on my upper lip , which swells immoderately . For three or four days I remain at home , a very ill-looking subject , with a green shade over my eyes ; and I should be very dull , but that Agnes is a sister to me , and condoles with me , and reads to me , and makes the time light and happy . Agnes has my confidence completely , always ; I tell her all about the butcher , and the wrongs he has heaped upon me ; she thinks I could n't have done otherwise than fight the butcher , while she shrinks and trembles at my having fought him . Time has stolen on unobserved , for Adams is not the head-boy in the days that are come now , nor has he been this many and many a day . Adams has left the school so long , that when he comes back , on a visit to Doctor Strong , there are not many there , besides myself , who know him . Adams is going to be called to the bar almost directly , and is to be an advocate , and to wear a wig . I am surprised to find him a meeker man than I had thought , and less imposing in appearance . He has not staggered the world yet , either ; for it goes on ( as well as I can make out ) pretty much the same as if he had never joined it . A blank , through which the warriors of poetry and history march on in stately hosts that seem to have no end -- and what comes next ! I am the head-boy , now ! I look down on the line of boys below me , with a condescending interest in such of them as bring to my mind the boy I was myself , when I first came there . That little fellow seems to be no part of me ; I remember him as something left behind upon the road of life -- as something I have passed , rather than have actually been -- and almost think of him as of someone else . And the little girl I saw on that first day at Mr. Wickfield 's , where is she ? Gone also . In her stead , the perfect likeness of the picture , a child likeness no more , moves about the house ; and Agnes -- my sweet sister , as I call her in my thoughts , my counsellor and friend , the better angel of the lives of all who come within her calm , good , self-denying influence -- is quite a woman . What other changes have come upon me , besides the changes in my growth and looks , and in the knowledge I have garnered all this while ? I wear a gold watch and chain , a ring upon my little finger , and a long-tailed coat ; and I use a great deal of bear 's grease -- which , taken in conjunction with the ring , looks bad . Am I in love again ? I am . I worship the eldest Miss Larkins . The eldest Miss Larkins is not a little girl . She is a tall , dark , black-eyed , fine figure of a woman . The eldest Miss Larkins is not a chicken ; for the youngest Miss Larkins is not that , and the eldest must be three or four years older . Perhaps the eldest Miss Larkins may be about thirty . My passion for her is beyond all bounds . The eldest Miss Larkins knows officers . It is an awful thing to bear . I see them speaking to her in the street . I see them cross the way to meet her , when her bonnet ( she has a bright taste in bonnets ) is seen coming down the pavement , accompanied by her sister 's bonnet . She laughs and talks , and seems to like it . I spend a good deal of my own spare time in walking up and down to meet her . If I can bow to her once in the day ( I know her to bow to , knowing Mr. Larkins ) , I am happier . I deserve a bow now and then . The raging agonies I suffer on the night of the Race Ball , where I know the eldest Miss Larkins will be dancing with the military , ought to have some compensation , if there be even-handed justice in the world . My passion takes away my appetite , and makes me wear my newest silk neckerchief continually . I have no relief but in putting on my best clothes , and having my boots cleaned over and over again . I seem , then , to be worthier of the eldest Miss Larkins . Everything that belongs to her , or is connected with her , is precious to me . Mr. Larkins ( a gruff old gentleman with a double chin , and one of his eyes immovable in his head ) is fraught with interest to me . When I ca n't meet his daughter , I go where I am likely to meet him . To say 'How do you do , Mr. Larkins ? Are the young ladies and all the family quite well ? ' seems so pointed , that I blush . I think continually about my age . Say I am seventeen , and say that seventeen is young for the eldest Miss Larkins , what of that ? Besides , I shall be one-and-twenty in no time almost . I regularly take walks outside Mr. Larkins 's house in the evening , though it cuts me to the heart to see the officers go in , or to hear them up in the drawing-room , where the eldest Miss Larkins plays the harp . I even walk , on two or three occasions , in a sickly , spoony manner , round and round the house after the family are gone to bed , wondering which is the eldest Miss Larkins 's chamber ( and pitching , I dare say now , on Mr. Larkins's instead ) ; wishing that a fire would burst out ; that the assembled crowd would stand appalled ; that I , dashing through them with a ladder , might rear it against her window , save her in my arms , go back for something she had left behind , and perish in the flames . For I am generally disinterested in my love , and think I could be content to make a figure before Miss Larkins , and expire . Generally , but not always . Sometimes brighter visions rise before me . When I dress ( the occupation of two hours ) , for a great ball given at the Larkins 's ( the anticipation of three weeks ) , I indulge my fancy with pleasing images . I picture myself taking courage to make a declaration to Miss Larkins . I picture Miss Larkins sinking her head upon my shoulder , and saying , 'Oh , Mr. Copperfield , can I believe my ears ! ' I picture Mr. Larkins waiting on me next morning , and saying , 'My dear Copperfield , my daughter has told me all . Youth is no objection . Here are twenty thousand pounds . Be happy ! ' I picture my aunt relenting , and blessing us ; and Mr. Dick and Doctor Strong being present at the marriage ceremony . I am a sensible fellow , I believe -- I believe , on looking back , I mean -- and modest I am sure ; but all this goes on notwithstanding . I repair to the enchanted house , where there are lights , chattering , music , flowers , officers ( I am sorry to see ) , and the eldest Miss Larkins , a blaze of beauty . She is dressed in blue , with blue flowers in her hair -- forget-me-nots -- as if SHE had any need to wear forget-me-nots . It is the first really grown-up party that I have ever been invited to , and I am a little uncomfortable ; for I appear not to belong to anybody , and nobody appears to have anything to say to me , except Mr. Larkins , who asks me how my schoolfellows are , which he need n't do , as I have not come there to be insulted . But after I have stood in the doorway for some time , and feasted my eyes upon the goddess of my heart , she approaches me -- she , the eldest Miss Larkins ! -- and asks me pleasantly , if I dance ? I stammer , with a bow , 'With you , Miss Larkins . ' 'With no one else ? ' inquires Miss Larkins . 'I should have no pleasure in dancing with anyone else . ' Miss Larkins laughs and blushes ( or I think she blushes ) , and says , 'Next time but one , I shall be very glad . ' The time arrives . 'It is a waltz , I think , ' Miss Larkins doubtfully observes , when I present myself . 'Do you waltz ? If not , Captain Bailey -- ' But I do waltz ( pretty well , too , as it happens ) , and I take Miss Larkins out . I take her sternly from the side of Captain Bailey . He is wretched , I have no doubt ; but he is nothing to me . I have been wretched , too . I waltz with the eldest Miss Larkins ! I do n't know where , among whom , or how long . I only know that I swim about in space , with a blue angel , in a state of blissful delirium , until I find myself alone with her in a little room , resting on a sofa . She admires a flower ( pink camellia japonica , price half-a-crown ) , in my button-hole . I give it her , and say : 'I ask an inestimable price for it , Miss Larkins . ' 'Indeed ! What is that ? ' returns Miss Larkins . 'A flower of yours , that I may treasure it as a miser does gold . ' 'You 're a bold boy , ' says Miss Larkins . 'There . ' She gives it me , not displeased ; and I put it to my lips , and then into my breast . Miss Larkins , laughing , draws her hand through my arm , and says , 'Now take me back to Captain Bailey . ' I am lost in the recollection of this delicious interview , and the waltz , when she comes to me again , with a plain elderly gentleman who has been playing whist all night , upon her arm , and says : 'Oh ! here is my bold friend ! Mr. Chestle wants to know you , Mr . Copperfield . ' I feel at once that he is a friend of the family , and am much gratified . 'I admire your taste , sir , ' says Mr. Chestle . 'It does you credit . I suppose you do n't take much interest in hops ; but I am a pretty large grower myself ; and if you ever like to come over to our neighbourhood -- neighbourhood of Ashford -- and take a run about our place , -- we shall be glad for you to stop as long as you like . ' I thank Mr. Chestle warmly , and shake hands . I think I am in a happy dream . I waltz with the eldest Miss Larkins once again . She says I waltz so well ! I go home in a state of unspeakable bliss , and waltz in imagination , all night long , with my arm round the blue waist of my dear divinity . For some days afterwards , I am lost in rapturous reflections ; but I neither see her in the street , nor when I call . I am imperfectly consoled for this disappointment by the sacred pledge , the perished flower . 'Trotwood , ' says Agnes , one day after dinner . 'Who do you think is going to be married tomorrow ? Someone you admire . ' 'Not you , I suppose , Agnes ? ' 'Not me ! ' raising her cheerful face from the music she is copying . 'Do you hear him , Papa ? -- The eldest Miss Larkins . ' 'To -- to Captain Bailey ? ' I have just enough power to ask . 'No ; to no Captain . To Mr. Chestle , a hop-grower . ' I am terribly dejected for about a week or two . I take off my ring , I wear my worst clothes , I use no bear 's grease , and I frequently lament over the late Miss Larkins 's faded flower . Being , by that time , rather tired of this kind of life , and having received new provocation from the butcher , I throw the flower away , go out with the butcher , and gloriously defeat him . This , and the resumption of my ring , as well as of the bear 's grease in moderation , are the last marks I can discern , now , in my progress to seventeen . CHAPTER 19 . I LOOK ABOUT ME , AND MAKE A DISCOVERY I am doubtful whether I was at heart glad or sorry , when my school-days drew to an end , and the time came for my leaving Doctor Strong 's . I had been very happy there , I had a great attachment for the Doctor , and I was eminent and distinguished in that little world . For these reasons I was sorry to go ; but for other reasons , unsubstantial enough , I was glad . Misty ideas of being a young man at my own disposal , of the importance attaching to a young man at his own disposal , of the wonderful things to be seen and done by that magnificent animal , and the wonderful effects he could not fail to make upon society , lured me away . So powerful were these visionary considerations in my boyish mind , that I seem , according to my present way of thinking , to have left school without natural regret . The separation has not made the impression on me , that other separations have . I try in vain to recall how I felt about it , and what its circumstances were ; but it is not momentous in my recollection . I suppose the opening prospect confused me . I know that my juvenile experiences went for little or nothing then ; and that life was more like a great fairy story , which I was just about to begin to read , than anything else . My aunt and I had held many grave deliberations on the calling to which I should be devoted . For a year or more I had endeavoured to find a satisfactory answer to her often-repeated question , 'What I would like to be ? ' But I had no particular liking , that I could discover , for anything . If I could have been inspired with a knowledge of the science of navigation , taken the command of a fast-sailing expedition , and gone round the world on a triumphant voyage of discovery , I think I might have considered myself completely suited . But , in the absence of any such miraculous provision , my desire was to apply myself to some pursuit that would not lie too heavily upon her purse ; and to do my duty in it , whatever it might be . Mr. Dick had regularly assisted at our councils , with a meditative and sage demeanour . He never made a suggestion but once ; and on that occasion ( I do n't know what put it in his head ) , he suddenly proposed that I should be 'a Brazier ' . My aunt received this proposal so very ungraciously , that he never ventured on a second ; but ever afterwards confined himself to looking watchfully at her for her suggestions , and rattling his money . 'Trot , I tell you what , my dear , ' said my aunt , one morning in the Christmas season when I left school : 'as this knotty point is still unsettled , and as we must not make a mistake in our decision if we can help it , I think we had better take a little breathing-time . In the meanwhile , you must try to look at it from a new point of view , and not as a schoolboy . ' 'I will , aunt . ' 'It has occurred to me , ' pursued my aunt , 'that a little change , and a glimpse of life out of doors , may be useful in helping you to know your own mind , and form a cooler judgement . Suppose you were to go down into the old part of the country again , for instance , and see that -- that out-of-the-way woman with the savagest of names , ' said my aunt , rubbing her nose , for she could never thoroughly forgive Peggotty for being so called . 'Of all things in the world , aunt , I should like it best ! ' 'Well , ' said my aunt , 'that 's lucky , for I should like it too . But it 's natural and rational that you should like it . And I am very well persuaded that whatever you do , Trot , will always be natural and rational . ' 'I hope so , aunt . ' 'Your sister , Betsey Trotwood , ' said my aunt , 'would have been as natural and rational a girl as ever breathed . You 'll be worthy of her , wo n't you ? ' 'I hope I shall be worthy of YOU , aunt . That will be enough for me . ' 'It 's a mercy that poor dear baby of a mother of yours did n't live , ' said my aunt , looking at me approvingly , 'or she 'd have been so vain of her boy by this time , that her soft little head would have been completely turned , if there was anything of it left to turn . ' ( My aunt always excused any weakness of her own in my behalf , by transferring it in this way to my poor mother . ) 'Bless me , Trotwood , how you do remind me of her ! ' 'Pleasantly , I hope , aunt ? ' said I . 'He 's as like her , Dick , ' said my aunt , emphatically , 'he 's as like her , as she was that afternoon before she began to fret -- bless my heart , he's as like her , as he can look at me out of his two eyes ! ' 'Is he indeed ? ' said Mr. Dick . 'And he 's like David , too , ' said my aunt , decisively . 'He is very like David ! ' said Mr. Dick . 'But what I want you to be , Trot , ' resumed my aunt , ' -- I do n't mean physically , but morally ; you are very well physically -- is , a firm fellow . A fine firm fellow , with a will of your own . With resolution , ' said my aunt , shaking her cap at me , and clenching her hand . 'With determination . With character , Trot -- with strength of character that is not to be influenced , except on good reason , by anybody , or by anything . That 's what I want you to be . That 's what your father and mother might both have been , Heaven knows , and been the better for it . ' I intimated that I hoped I should be what she described . 'That you may begin , in a small way , to have a reliance upon yourself , and to act for yourself , ' said my aunt , 'I shall send you upon your trip , alone . I did think , once , of Mr. Dick 's going with you ; but , on second thoughts , I shall keep him to take care of me . ' Mr. Dick , for a moment , looked a little disappointed ; until the honour and dignity of having to take care of the most wonderful woman in the world , restored the sunshine to his face . 'Besides , ' said my aunt , 'there 's the Memorial -- ' 'Oh , certainly , ' said Mr. Dick , in a hurry , 'I intend , Trotwood , to get that done immediately -- it really must be done immediately ! And then it will go in , you know -- and then -- ' said Mr. Dick , after checking himself , and pausing a long time , 'there 'll be a pretty kettle of fish ! ' In pursuance of my aunt 's kind scheme , I was shortly afterwards fitted out with a handsome purse of money , and a portmanteau , and tenderly dismissed upon my expedition . At parting , my aunt gave me some good advice , and a good many kisses ; and said that as her object was that I should look about me , and should think a little , she would recommend me to stay a few days in London , if I liked it , either on my way down into Suffolk , or in coming back . In a word , I was at liberty to do what I would , for three weeks or a month ; and no other conditions were imposed upon my freedom than the before-mentioned thinking and looking about me , and a pledge to write three times a week and faithfully report myself . I went to Canterbury first , that I might take leave of Agnes and Mr. Wickfield ( my old room in whose house I had not yet relinquished ) , and also of the good Doctor . Agnes was very glad to see me , and told me that the house had not been like itself since I had left it . 'I am sure I am not like myself when I am away , ' said I . 'I seem to want my right hand , when I miss you . Though that 's not saying much ; for there 's no head in my right hand , and no heart . Everyone who knows you , consults with you , and is guided by you , Agnes . ' 'Everyone who knows me , spoils me , I believe , ' she answered , smiling . 'No . It 's because you are like no one else . You are so good , and so sweet-tempered . You have such a gentle nature , and you are always right . ' 'You talk , ' said Agnes , breaking into a pleasant laugh , as she sat at work , 'as if I were the late Miss Larkins . ' 'Come ! It 's not fair to abuse my confidence , ' I answered , reddening at the recollection of my blue enslaver . 'But I shall confide in you , just the same , Agnes . I can never grow out of that . Whenever I fall into trouble , or fall in love , I shall always tell you , if you 'll let me -- even when I come to fall in love in earnest . ' 'Why , you have always been in earnest ! ' said Agnes , laughing again . 'Oh ! that was as a child , or a schoolboy , ' said I , laughing in my turn , not without being a little shame-faced . 'Times are altering now , and I suppose I shall be in a terrible state of earnestness one day or other . My wonder is , that you are not in earnest yourself , by this time , Agnes . ' Agnes laughed again , and shook her head . 'Oh , I know you are not ! ' said I , 'because if you had been you would have told me . Or at least ' -- for I saw a faint blush in her face , 'you would have let me find it out for myself . But there is no one that I know of , who deserves to love you , Agnes . Someone of a nobler character , and more worthy altogether than anyone I have ever seen here , must rise up , before I give my consent . In the time to come , I shall have a wary eye on all admirers ; and shall exact a great deal from the successful one , I assure you . ' We had gone on , so far , in a mixture of confidential jest and earnest , that had long grown naturally out of our familiar relations , begun as mere children . But Agnes , now suddenly lifting up her eyes to mine , and speaking in a different manner , said : 'Trotwood , there is something that I want to ask you , and that I may not have another opportunity of asking for a long time , perhaps -- something I would ask , I think , of no one else . Have you observed any gradual alteration in Papa ? ' I had observed it , and had often wondered whether she had too . I must have shown as much , now , in my face ; for her eyes were in a moment cast down , and I saw tears in them . 'Tell me what it is , ' she said , in a low voice . 'I think -- shall I be quite plain , Agnes , liking him so much ? ' 'Yes , ' she said . 'I think he does himself no good by the habit that has increased upon him since I first came here . He is often very nervous -- or I fancy so . ' 'It is not fancy , ' said Agnes , shaking her head . 'His hand trembles , his speech is not plain , and his eyes look wild . I have remarked that at those times , and when he is least like himself , he is most certain to be wanted on some business . ' 'By Uriah , ' said Agnes . 'Yes ; and the sense of being unfit for it , or of not having understood it , or of having shown his condition in spite of himself , seems to make him so uneasy , that next day he is worse , and next day worse , and so he becomes jaded and haggard . Do not be alarmed by what I say , Agnes , but in this state I saw him , only the other evening , lay down his head upon his desk , and shed tears like a child . ' Her hand passed softly before my lips while I was yet speaking , and in a moment she had met her father at the door of the room , and was hanging on his shoulder . The expression of her face , as they both looked towards me , I felt to be very touching . There was such deep fondness for him , and gratitude to him for all his love and care , in her beautiful look ; and there was such a fervent appeal to me to deal tenderly by him , even in my inmost thoughts , and to let no harsh construction find any place against him ; she was , at once , so proud of him and devoted to him , yet so compassionate and sorry , and so reliant upon me to be so , too ; that nothing she could have said would have expressed more to me , or moved me more . We were to drink tea at the Doctor 's . We went there at the usual hour ; and round the study fireside found the Doctor , and his young wife , and her mother . The Doctor , who made as much of my going away as if I were going to China , received me as an honoured guest ; and called for a log of wood to be thrown on the fire , that he might see the face of his old pupil reddening in the blaze . 'I shall not see many more new faces in Trotwood 's stead , Wickfield , ' said the Doctor , warming his hands ; 'I am getting lazy , and want ease . I shall relinquish all my young people in another six months , and lead a quieter life . ' 'You have said so , any time these ten years , Doctor , ' Mr. Wickfield answered . 'But now I mean to do it , ' returned the Doctor . 'My first master will succeed me -- I am in earnest at last -- so you 'll soon have to arrange our contracts , and to bind us firmly to them , like a couple of knaves . ' 'And to take care , ' said Mr. Wickfield , 'that you 're not imposed on , eh ? As you certainly would be , in any contract you should make for yourself . Well ! I am ready . There are worse tasks than that , in my calling . ' 'I shall have nothing to think of then , ' said the Doctor , with a smile , 'but my Dictionary ; and this other contract-bargain -- Annie . ' As Mr. Wickfield glanced towards her , sitting at the tea table by Agnes , she seemed to me to avoid his look with such unwonted hesitation and timidity , that his attention became fixed upon her , as if something were suggested to his thoughts . 'There is a post come in from India , I observe , ' he said , after a short silence . 'By the by ! and letters from Mr. Jack Maldon ! ' said the Doctor . 'Indeed ! ' 'Poor dear Jack ! ' said Mrs. Markleham , shaking her head . 'That trying climate ! -- like living , they tell me , on a sand-heap , underneath a burning-glass ! He looked strong , but he was n't . My dear Doctor , it was his spirit , not his constitution , that he ventured on so boldly . Annie , my dear , I am sure you must perfectly recollect that your cousin never was strong -- not what can be called ROBUST , you know , ' said Mrs. Markleham , with emphasis , and looking round upon us generally , ' -- from the time when my daughter and himself were children together , and walking about , arm-in-arm , the livelong day . ' Annie , thus addressed , made no reply . 'Do I gather from what you say , ma'am , that Mr. Maldon is ill ? ' asked Mr. Wickfield . 'Ill ! ' replied the Old Soldier . 'My dear sir , he 's all sorts of things . ' 'Except well ? ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'Except well , indeed ! ' said the Old Soldier . 'He has had dreadful strokes of the sun , no doubt , and jungle fevers and agues , and every kind of thing you can mention . As to his liver , ' said the Old Soldier resignedly , 'that , of course , he gave up altogether , when he first went out ! ' 'Does he say all this ? ' asked Mr. Wickfield . 'Say ? My dear sir , ' returned Mrs. Markleham , shaking her head and her fan , 'you little know my poor Jack Maldon when you ask that question . Say ? Not he . You might drag him at the heels of four wild horses first . ' 'Mama ! ' said Mrs. Strong . 'Annie , my dear , ' returned her mother , 'once for all , I must really beg that you will not interfere with me , unless it is to confirm what I say . You know as well as I do that your cousin Maldon would be dragged at the heels of any number of wild horses -- why should I confine myself to four ! I WO N'T confine myself to four -- eight , sixteen , two-and-thirty , rather than say anything calculated to overturn the Doctor 's plans . ' 'Wickfield 's plans , ' said the Doctor , stroking his face , and looking penitently at his adviser . 'That is to say , our joint plans for him . I said myself , abroad or at home . ' 'And I said ' added Mr. Wickfield gravely , 'abroad . I was the means of sending him abroad . It 's my responsibility . ' 'Oh ! Responsibility ! ' said the Old Soldier . 'Everything was done for the best , my dear Mr. Wickfield ; everything was done for the kindest and best , we know . But if the dear fellow ca n't live there , he ca n't live there . And if he ca n't live there , he 'll die there , sooner than he'll overturn the Doctor 's plans . I know him , ' said the Old Soldier , fanning herself , in a sort of calm prophetic agony , 'and I know he 'll die there , sooner than he 'll overturn the Doctor 's plans . ' 'Well , well , ma'am , ' said the Doctor cheerfully , 'I am not bigoted to my plans , and I can overturn them myself . I can substitute some other plans . If Mr. Jack Maldon comes home on account of ill health , he must not be allowed to go back , and we must endeavour to make some more suitable and fortunate provision for him in this country . ' Mrs. Markleham was so overcome by this generous speech -- which , I need not say , she had not at all expected or led up to -- that she could only tell the Doctor it was like himself , and go several times through that operation of kissing the sticks of her fan , and then tapping his hand with it . After which she gently chid her daughter Annie , for not being more demonstrative when such kindnesses were showered , for her sake , on her old playfellow ; and entertained us with some particulars concerning other deserving members of her family , whom it was desirable to set on their deserving legs . All this time , her daughter Annie never once spoke , or lifted up her eyes . All this time , Mr. Wickfield had his glance upon her as she sat by his own daughter 's side . It appeared to me that he never thought of being observed by anyone ; but was so intent upon her , and upon his own thoughts in connexion with her , as to be quite absorbed . He now asked what Mr. Jack Maldon had actually written in reference to himself , and to whom he had written ? 'Why , here , ' said Mrs. Markleham , taking a letter from the chimney-piece above the Doctor 's head , 'the dear fellow says to the Doctor himself -- where is it ? Oh ! -- '' I am sorry to inform you that my health is suffering severely , and that I fear I may be reduced to the necessity of returning home for a time , as the only hope of restoration . '' That's pretty plain , poor fellow ! His only hope of restoration ! But Annie's letter is plainer still . Annie , show me that letter again . ' 'Not now , mama , ' she pleaded in a low tone . 'My dear , you absolutely are , on some subjects , one of the most ridiculous persons in the world , ' returned her mother , 'and perhaps the most unnatural to the claims of your own family . We never should have heard of the letter at all , I believe , unless I had asked for it myself . Do you call that confidence , my love , towards Doctor Strong ? I am surprised . You ought to know better . ' The letter was reluctantly produced ; and as I handed it to the old lady , I saw how the unwilling hand from which I took it , trembled . 'Now let us see , ' said Mrs. Markleham , putting her glass to her eye , 'where the passage is . `` The remembrance of old times , my dearest Annie '' -- and so forth -- it 's not there . `` The amiable old Proctor '' -- who's he ? Dear me , Annie , how illegibly your cousin Maldon writes , and how stupid I am ! `` Doctor , '' of course . Ah ! amiable indeed ! ' Here she left off , to kiss her fan again , and shake it at the Doctor , who was looking at us in a state of placid satisfaction . 'Now I have found it . `` You may not be surprised to hear , Annie , '' -- no , to be sure , knowing that he never was really strong ; what did I say just now ? -- '' that I have undergone so much in this distant place , as to have decided to leave it at all hazards ; on sick leave , if I can ; on total resignation , if that is not to be obtained . What I have endured , and do endure here , is insupportable . '' And but for the promptitude of that best of creatures , ' said Mrs. Markleham , telegraphing the Doctor as before , and refolding the letter , 'it would be insupportable to me to think of . ' Mr. Wickfield said not one word , though the old lady looked to him as if for his commentary on this intelligence ; but sat severely silent , with his eyes fixed on the ground . Long after the subject was dismissed , and other topics occupied us , he remained so ; seldom raising his eyes , unless to rest them for a moment , with a thoughtful frown , upon the Doctor , or his wife , or both . The Doctor was very fond of music . Agnes sang with great sweetness and expression , and so did Mrs. Strong . They sang together , and played duets together , and we had quite a little concert . But I remarked two things : first , that though Annie soon recovered her composure , and was quite herself , there was a blank between her and Mr. Wickfield which separated them wholly from each other ; secondly , that Mr. Wickfield seemed to dislike the intimacy between her and Agnes , and to watch it with uneasiness . And now , I must confess , the recollection of what I had seen on that night when Mr. Maldon went away , first began to return upon me with a meaning it had never had , and to trouble me . The innocent beauty of her face was not as innocent to me as it had been ; I mistrusted the natural grace and charm of her manner ; and when I looked at Agnes by her side , and thought how good and true Agnes was , suspicions arose within me that it was an ill-assorted friendship . She was so happy in it herself , however , and the other was so happy too , that they made the evening fly away as if it were but an hour . It closed in an incident which I well remember . They were taking leave of each other , and Agnes was going to embrace her and kiss her , when Mr. Wickfield stepped between them , as if by accident , and drew Agnes quickly away . Then I saw , as though all the intervening time had been cancelled , and I were still standing in the doorway on the night of the departure , the expression of that night in the face of Mrs. Strong , as it confronted his . I can not say what an impression this made upon me , or how impossible I found it , when I thought of her afterwards , to separate her from this look , and remember her face in its innocent loveliness again . It haunted me when I got home . I seemed to have left the Doctor 's roof with a dark cloud lowering on it . The reverence that I had for his grey head , was mingled with commiseration for his faith in those who were treacherous to him , and with resentment against those who injured him . The impending shadow of a great affliction , and a great disgrace that had no distinct form in it yet , fell like a stain upon the quiet place where I had worked and played as a boy , and did it a cruel wrong . I had no pleasure in thinking , any more , of the grave old broad-leaved aloe-trees , which remained shut up in themselves a hundred years together , and of the trim smooth grass-plot , and the stone urns , and the Doctor 's walk , and the congenial sound of the Cathedral bell hovering above them all . It was as if the tranquil sanctuary of my boyhood had been sacked before my face , and its peace and honour given to the winds . But morning brought with it my parting from the old house , which Agnes had filled with her influence ; and that occupied my mind sufficiently . I should be there again soon , no doubt ; I might sleep again -- perhaps often -- in my old room ; but the days of my inhabiting there were gone , and the old time was past . I was heavier at heart when I packed up such of my books and clothes as still remained there to be sent to Dover , than I cared to show to Uriah Heep ; who was so officious to help me , that I uncharitably thought him mighty glad that I was going . I got away from Agnes and her father , somehow , with an indifferent show of being very manly , and took my seat upon the box of the London coach . I was so softened and forgiving , going through the town , that I had half a mind to nod to my old enemy the butcher , and throw him five shillings to drink . But he looked such a very obdurate butcher as he stood scraping the great block in the shop , and moreover , his appearance was so little improved by the loss of a front tooth which I had knocked out , that I thought it best to make no advances . The main object on my mind , I remember , when we got fairly on the road , was to appear as old as possible to the coachman , and to speak extremely gruff . The latter point I achieved at great personal inconvenience ; but I stuck to it , because I felt it was a grown-up sort of thing . 'You are going through , sir ? ' said the coachman . 'Yes , William , ' I said , condescendingly ( I knew him ) ; 'I am going to London . I shall go down into Suffolk afterwards . ' 'Shooting , sir ? ' said the coachman . He knew as well as I did that it was just as likely , at that time of year , I was going down there whaling ; but I felt complimented , too . 'I do n't know , ' I said , pretending to be undecided , 'whether I shall take a shot or not . ' 'Birds is got wery shy , I 'm told , ' said William . 'So I understand , ' said I . 'Is Suffolk your county , sir ? ' asked William . 'Yes , ' I said , with some importance . 'Suffolk 's my county . ' 'I 'm told the dumplings is uncommon fine down there , ' said William . I was not aware of it myself , but I felt it necessary to uphold the institutions of my county , and to evince a familiarity with them ; so I shook my head , as much as to say , 'I believe you ! ' 'And the Punches , ' said William . 'There 's cattle ! A Suffolk Punch , when he 's a good un , is worth his weight in gold . Did you ever breed any Suffolk Punches yourself , sir ? ' 'N-no , ' I said , 'not exactly . ' 'Here 's a gen'lm'n behind me , I 'll pound it , ' said William , 'as has bred 'em by wholesale . ' The gentleman spoken of was a gentleman with a very unpromising squint , and a prominent chin , who had a tall white hat on with a narrow flat brim , and whose close-fitting drab trousers seemed to button all the way up outside his legs from his boots to his hips . His chin was cocked over the coachman 's shoulder , so near to me , that his breath quite tickled the back of my head ; and as I looked at him , he leered at the leaders with the eye with which he did n't squint , in a very knowing manner . 'Ai n't you ? ' asked William . 'Ai n't I what ? ' said the gentleman behind . 'Bred them Suffolk Punches by wholesale ? ' 'I should think so , ' said the gentleman . 'There ai n't no sort of orse that I ai n't bred , and no sort of dorg . Orses and dorgs is some men 's fancy . They 're wittles and drink to me -- lodging , wife , and children -- reading , writing , and Arithmetic -- snuff , tobacker , and sleep . ' 'That ai n't a sort of man to see sitting behind a coach-box , is it though ? ' said William in my ear , as he handled the reins . I construed this remark into an indication of a wish that he should have my place , so I blushingly offered to resign it . 'Well , if you do n't mind , sir , ' said William , 'I think it would be more correct . ' I have always considered this as the first fall I had in life . When I booked my place at the coach office I had had 'Box Seat ' written against the entry , and had given the book-keeper half-a-crown . I was got up in a special great-coat and shawl , expressly to do honour to that distinguished eminence ; had glorified myself upon it a good deal ; and had felt that I was a credit to the coach . And here , in the very first stage , I was supplanted by a shabby man with a squint , who had no other merit than smelling like a livery-stables , and being able to walk across me , more like a fly than a human being , while the horses were at a canter ! A distrust of myself , which has often beset me in life on small occasions , when it would have been better away , was assuredly not stopped in its growth by this little incident outside the Canterbury coach . It was in vain to take refuge in gruffness of speech . I spoke from the pit of my stomach for the rest of the journey , but I felt completely extinguished , and dreadfully young . It was curious and interesting , nevertheless , to be sitting up there behind four horses : well educated , well dressed , and with plenty of money in my pocket ; and to look out for the places where I had slept on my weary journey . I had abundant occupation for my thoughts , in every conspicuous landmark on the road . When I looked down at the trampers whom we passed , and saw that well-remembered style of face turned up , I felt as if the tinker 's blackened hand were in the bosom of my shirt again . When we clattered through the narrow street of Chatham , and I caught a glimpse , in passing , of the lane where the old monster lived who had bought my jacket , I stretched my neck eagerly to look for the place where I had sat , in the sun and in the shade , waiting for my money . When we came , at last , within a stage of London , and passed the veritable Salem House where Mr. Creakle had laid about him with a heavy hand , I would have given all I had , for lawful permission to get down and thrash him , and let all the boys out like so many caged sparrows . We went to the Golden Cross at Charing Cross , then a mouldy sort of establishment in a close neighbourhood . A waiter showed me into the coffee-room ; and a chambermaid introduced me to my small bedchamber , which smelt like a hackney-coach , and was shut up like a family vault . I was still painfully conscious of my youth , for nobody stood in any awe of me at all : the chambermaid being utterly indifferent to my opinions on any subject , and the waiter being familiar with me , and offering advice to my inexperience . 'Well now , ' said the waiter , in a tone of confidence , 'what would you like for dinner ? Young gentlemen likes poultry in general : have a fowl ! ' I told him , as majestically as I could , that I was n't in the humour for a fowl . 'Ai n't you ? ' said the waiter . 'Young gentlemen is generally tired of beef and mutton : have a weal cutlet ! ' I assented to this proposal , in default of being able to suggest anything else . 'Do you care for taters ? ' said the waiter , with an insinuating smile , and his head on one side . 'Young gentlemen generally has been overdosed with taters . ' I commanded him , in my deepest voice , to order a veal cutlet and potatoes , and all things fitting ; and to inquire at the bar if there were any letters for Trotwood Copperfield , Esquire -- which I knew there were not , and could n't be , but thought it manly to appear to expect . He soon came back to say that there were none ( at which I was much surprised ) and began to lay the cloth for my dinner in a box by the fire . While he was so engaged , he asked me what I would take with it ; and on my replying 'Half a pint of sherry , 'thought it a favourable opportunity , I am afraid , to extract that measure of wine from the stale leavings at the bottoms of several small decanters . I am of this opinion , because , while I was reading the newspaper , I observed him behind a low wooden partition , which was his private apartment , very busy pouring out of a number of those vessels into one , like a chemist and druggist making up a prescription . When the wine came , too , I thought it flat ; and it certainly had more English crumbs in it , than were to be expected in a foreign wine in anything like a pure state , but I was bashful enough to drink it , and say nothing . Being then in a pleasant frame of mind ( from which I infer that poisoning is not always disagreeable in some stages of the process ) , I resolved to go to the play . It was Covent Garden Theatre that I chose ; and there , from the back of a centre box , I saw Julius Caesar and the new Pantomime . To have all those noble Romans alive before me , and walking in and out for my entertainment , instead of being the stern taskmasters they had been at school , was a most novel and delightful effect . But the mingled reality and mystery of the whole show , the influence upon me of the poetry , the lights , the music , the company , the smooth stupendous changes of glittering and brilliant scenery , were so dazzling , and opened up such illimitable regions of delight , that when I came out into the rainy street , at twelve o'clock at night , I felt as if I had come from the clouds , where I had been leading a romantic life for ages , to a bawling , splashing , link-lighted , umbrella-struggling , hackney-coach-jostling , patten-clinking , muddy , miserable world . I had emerged by another door , and stood in the street for a little while , as if I really were a stranger upon earth : but the unceremonious pushing and hustling that I received , soon recalled me to myself , and put me in the road back to the hotel ; whither I went , revolving the glorious vision all the way ; and where , after some porter and oysters , I sat revolving it still , at past one o'clock , with my eyes on the coffee-room fire . I was so filled with the play , and with the past -- for it was , in a manner , like a shining transparency , through which I saw my earlier life moving along -- that I do n't know when the figure of a handsome well-formed young man dressed with a tasteful easy negligence which I have reason to remember very well , became a real presence to me . But I recollect being conscious of his company without having noticed his coming in -- and my still sitting , musing , over the coffee-room fire . At last I rose to go to bed , much to the relief of the sleepy waiter , who had got the fidgets in his legs , and was twisting them , and hitting them , and putting them through all kinds of contortions in his small pantry . In going towards the door , I passed the person who had come in , and saw him plainly . I turned directly , came back , and looked again . He did not know me , but I knew him in a moment . At another time I might have wanted the confidence or the decision to speak to him , and might have put it off until next day , and might have lost him . But , in the then condition of my mind , where the play was still running high , his former protection of me appeared so deserving of my gratitude , and my old love for him overflowed my breast so freshly and spontaneously , that I went up to him at once , with a fast-beating heart , and said : 'Steerforth ! wo n't you speak to me ? ' He looked at me -- just as he used to look , sometimes -- but I saw no recognition in his face . 'You do n't remember me , I am afraid , ' said I . 'My God ! ' he suddenly exclaimed . 'It 's little Copperfield ! ' I grasped him by both hands , and could not let them go . But for very shame , and the fear that it might displease him , I could have held him round the neck and cried . 'I never , never , never was so glad ! My dear Steerforth , I am so overjoyed to see you ! ' 'And I am rejoiced to see you , too ! ' he said , shaking my hands heartily . 'Why , Copperfield , old boy , do n't be overpowered ! ' And yet he was glad , too , I thought , to see how the delight I had in meeting him affected me . I brushed away the tears that my utmost resolution had not been able to keep back , and I made a clumsy laugh of it , and we sat down together , side by side . 'Why , how do you come to be here ? ' said Steerforth , clapping me on the shoulder . 'I came here by the Canterbury coach , today . I have been adopted by an aunt down in that part of the country , and have just finished my education there . How do YOU come to be here , Steerforth ? ' 'Well , I am what they call an Oxford man , ' he returned ; 'that is to say , I get bored to death down there , periodically -- and I am on my way now to my mother 's . You 're a devilish amiable-looking fellow , Copperfield . Just what you used to be , now I look at you ! Not altered in the least ! ' 'I knew you immediately , ' I said ; 'but you are more easily remembered . ' He laughed as he ran his hand through the clustering curls of his hair , and said gaily : 'Yes , I am on an expedition of duty . My mother lives a little way out of town ; and the roads being in a beastly condition , and our house tedious enough , I remained here tonight instead of going on . I have not been in town half-a-dozen hours , and those I have been dozing and grumbling away at the play . ' 'I have been at the play , too , ' said I . 'At Covent Garden . What a delightful and magnificent entertainment , Steerforth ! ' Steerforth laughed heartily . 'My dear young Davy , ' he said , clapping me on the shoulder again , 'you are a very Daisy . The daisy of the field , at sunrise , is not fresher than you are . I have been at Covent Garden , too , and there never was a more miserable business . Holloa , you sir ! ' This was addressed to the waiter , who had been very attentive to our recognition , at a distance , and now came forward deferentially . 'Where have you put my friend , Mr . Copperfield ? ' said Steerforth . 'Beg your pardon , sir ? ' 'Where does he sleep ? What 's his number ? You know what I mean , ' said Steerforth . 'Well , sir , ' said the waiter , with an apologetic air . 'Mr . Copperfield is at present in forty-four , sir . ' 'And what the devil do you mean , ' retorted Steerforth , 'by putting Mr. Copperfield into a little loft over a stable ? ' 'Why , you see we was n't aware , sir , ' returned the waiter , still apologetically , 'as Mr. Copperfield was anyways particular . We can give Mr. Copperfield seventy-two , sir , if it would be preferred . Next you , sir . ' 'Of course it would be preferred , ' said Steerforth . 'And do it at once . ' The waiter immediately withdrew to make the exchange . Steerforth , very much amused at my having been put into forty-four , laughed again , and clapped me on the shoulder again , and invited me to breakfast with him next morning at ten o'clock -- an invitation I was only too proud and happy to accept . It being now pretty late , we took our candles and went upstairs , where we parted with friendly heartiness at his door , and where I found my new room a great improvement on my old one , it not being at all musty , and having an immense four-post bedstead in it , which was quite a little landed estate . Here , among pillows enough for six , I soon fell asleep in a blissful condition , and dreamed of ancient Rome , Steerforth , and friendship , until the early morning coaches , rumbling out of the archway underneath , made me dream of thunder and the gods . CHAPTER 20 . STEERFORTH 'S HOME When the chambermaid tapped at my door at eight o'clock , and informed me that my shaving-water was outside , I felt severely the having no occasion for it , and blushed in my bed . The suspicion that she laughed too , when she said it , preyed upon my mind all the time I was dressing ; and gave me , I was conscious , a sneaking and guilty air when I passed her on the staircase , as I was going down to breakfast . I was so sensitively aware , indeed , of being younger than I could have wished , that for some time I could not make up my mind to pass her at all , under the ignoble circumstances of the case ; but , hearing her there with a broom , stood peeping out of window at King Charles on horseback , surrounded by a maze of hackney-coaches , and looking anything but regal in a drizzling rain and a dark-brown fog , until I was admonished by the waiter that the gentleman was waiting for me . It was not in the coffee-room that I found Steerforth expecting me , but in a snug private apartment , red-curtained and Turkey-carpeted , where the fire burnt bright , and a fine hot breakfast was set forth on a table covered with a clean cloth ; and a cheerful miniature of the room , the fire , the breakfast , Steerforth , and all , was shining in the little round mirror over the sideboard . I was rather bashful at first , Steerforth being so self-possessed , and elegant , and superior to me in all respects ( age included ) ; but his easy patronage soon put that to rights , and made me quite at home . I could not enough admire the change he had wrought in the Golden Cross ; or compare the dull forlorn state I had held yesterday , with this morning 's comfort and this morning's entertainment . As to the waiter 's familiarity , it was quenched as if it had never been . He attended on us , as I may say , in sackcloth and ashes . 'Now , Copperfield , ' said Steerforth , when we were alone , 'I should like to hear what you are doing , and where you are going , and all about you . I feel as if you were my property . ' Glowing with pleasure to find that he had still this interest in me , I told him how my aunt had proposed the little expedition that I had before me , and whither it tended . 'As you are in no hurry , then , ' said Steerforth , 'come home with me to Highgate , and stay a day or two . You will be pleased with my mother -- she is a little vain and prosy about me , but that you can forgive her -- and she will be pleased with you . ' 'I should like to be as sure of that , as you are kind enough to say you are , ' I answered , smiling . 'Oh ! ' said Steerforth , 'everyone who likes me , has a claim on her that is sure to be acknowledged . ' 'Then I think I shall be a favourite , ' said I . 'Good ! ' said Steerforth . 'Come and prove it . We will go and see the lions for an hour or two -- it 's something to have a fresh fellow like you to show them to , Copperfield -- and then we 'll journey out to Highgate by the coach . ' I could hardly believe but that I was in a dream , and that I should wake presently in number forty-four , to the solitary box in the coffee-room and the familiar waiter again . After I had written to my aunt and told her of my fortunate meeting with my admired old schoolfellow , and my acceptance of his invitation , we went out in a hackney-chariot , and saw a Panorama and some other sights , and took a walk through the Museum , where I could not help observing how much Steerforth knew , on an infinite variety of subjects , and of how little account he seemed to make his knowledge . 'You 'll take a high degree at college , Steerforth , ' said I , 'if you have not done so already ; and they will have good reason to be proud of you . ' 'I take a degree ! ' cried Steerforth . 'Not I ! my dear Daisy -- will you mind my calling you Daisy ? ' 'Not at all ! ' said I . 'That 's a good fellow ! My dear Daisy , ' said Steerforth , laughing . 'I have not the least desire or intention to distinguish myself in that way . I have done quite sufficient for my purpose . I find that I am heavy company enough for myself as I am . ' 'But the fame -- ' I was beginning . 'You romantic Daisy ! ' said Steerforth , laughing still more heartily : 'why should I trouble myself , that a parcel of heavy-headed fellows may gape and hold up their hands ? Let them do it at some other man . There's fame for him , and he 's welcome to it . ' I was abashed at having made so great a mistake , and was glad to change the subject . Fortunately it was not difficult to do , for Steerforth could always pass from one subject to another with a carelessness and lightness that were his own . Lunch succeeded to our sight-seeing , and the short winter day wore away so fast , that it was dusk when the stage-coach stopped with us at an old brick house at Highgate on the summit of the hill . An elderly lady , though not very far advanced in years , with a proud carriage and a handsome face , was in the doorway as we alighted ; and greeting Steerforth as 'My dearest James , ' folded him in her arms . To this lady he presented me as his mother , and she gave me a stately welcome . It was a genteel old-fashioned house , very quiet and orderly . From the windows of my room I saw all London lying in the distance like a great vapour , with here and there some lights twinkling through it . I had only time , in dressing , to glance at the solid furniture , the framed pieces of work ( done , I supposed , by Steerforth 's mother when she was a girl ) , and some pictures in crayons of ladies with powdered hair and bodices , coming and going on the walls , as the newly-kindled fire crackled and sputtered , when I was called to dinner . There was a second lady in the dining-room , of a slight short figure , dark , and not agreeable to look at , but with some appearance of good looks too , who attracted my attention : perhaps because I had not expected to see her ; perhaps because I found myself sitting opposite to her ; perhaps because of something really remarkable in her . She had black hair and eager black eyes , and was thin , and had a scar upon her lip . It was an old scar -- I should rather call it seam , for it was not discoloured , and had healed years ago -- which had once cut through her mouth , downward towards the chin , but was now barely visible across the table , except above and on her upper lip , the shape of which it had altered . I concluded in my own mind that she was about thirty years of age , and that she wished to be married . She was a little dilapidated -- like a house -- with having been so long to let ; yet had , as I have said , an appearance of good looks . Her thinness seemed to be the effect of some wasting fire within her , which found a vent in her gaunt eyes . She was introduced as Miss Dartle , and both Steerforth and his mother called her Rosa . I found that she lived there , and had been for a long time Mrs. Steerforth 's companion . It appeared to me that she never said anything she wanted to say , outright ; but hinted it , and made a great deal more of it by this practice . For example , when Mrs. Steerforth observed , more in jest than earnest , that she feared her son led but a wild life at college , Miss Dartle put in thus : 'Oh , really ? You know how ignorant I am , and that I only ask for information , but is n't it always so ? I thought that kind of life was on all hands understood to be -- eh ? ' 'It is education for a very grave profession , if you mean that , Rosa , ' Mrs. Steerforth answered with some coldness . 'Oh ! Yes ! That 's very true , ' returned Miss Dartle . 'But is n't it , though ? -- I want to be put right , if I am wrong -- is n't it , really ? ' 'Really what ? ' said Mrs. Steerforth . 'Oh ! You mean it 's not ! ' returned Miss Dartle . 'Well , I 'm very glad to hear it ! Now , I know what to do ! That 's the advantage of asking . I shall never allow people to talk before me about wastefulness and profligacy , and so forth , in connexion with that life , any more . ' 'And you will be right , ' said Mrs. Steerforth . 'My son 's tutor is a conscientious gentleman ; and if I had not implicit reliance on my son , I should have reliance on him . ' 'Should you ? ' said Miss Dartle . 'Dear me ! Conscientious , is he ? Really conscientious , now ? ' 'Yes , I am convinced of it , ' said Mrs. Steerforth . 'How very nice ! ' exclaimed Miss Dartle . 'What a comfort ! Really conscientious ? Then he 's not -- but of course he ca n't be , if he 's really conscientious . Well , I shall be quite happy in my opinion of him , from this time . You ca n't think how it elevates him in my opinion , to know for certain that he 's really conscientious ! ' Her own views of every question , and her correction of everything that was said to which she was opposed , Miss Dartle insinuated in the same way : sometimes , I could not conceal from myself , with great power , though in contradiction even of Steerforth . An instance happened before dinner was done . Mrs. Steerforth speaking to me about my intention of going down into Suffolk , I said at hazard how glad I should be , if Steerforth would only go there with me ; and explaining to him that I was going to see my old nurse , and Mr. Peggotty 's family , I reminded him of the boatman whom he had seen at school . 'Oh ! That bluff fellow ! ' said Steerforth . 'He had a son with him , hadn't he ? ' 'No . That was his nephew , ' I replied ; 'whom he adopted , though , as a son . He has a very pretty little niece too , whom he adopted as a daughter . In short , his house -- or rather his boat , for he lives in one , on dry land -- is full of people who are objects of his generosity and kindness . You would be delighted to see that household . ' 'Should I ? ' said Steerforth . 'Well , I think I should . I must see what can be done . It would be worth a journey ( not to mention the pleasure of a journey with you , Daisy ) , to see that sort of people together , and to make one of 'em . ' My heart leaped with a new hope of pleasure . But it was in reference to the tone in which he had spoken of 'that sort of people ' , that Miss Dartle , whose sparkling eyes had been watchful of us , now broke in again . 'Oh , but , really ? Do tell me . Are they , though ? ' she said . 'Are they what ? And are who what ? ' said Steerforth . 'That sort of people. -- -Are they really animals and clods , and beings of another order ? I want to know SO much . ' 'Why , there 's a pretty wide separation between them and us , ' said Steerforth , with indifference . 'They are not to be expected to be as sensitive as we are . Their delicacy is not to be shocked , or hurt easily . They are wonderfully virtuous , I dare say -- some people contend for that , at least ; and I am sure I do n't want to contradict them -- but they have not very fine natures , and they may be thankful that , like their coarse rough skins , they are not easily wounded . ' 'Really ! ' said Miss Dartle . 'Well , I do n't know , now , when I have been better pleased than to hear that . It 's so consoling ! It 's such a delight to know that , when they suffer , they do n't feel ! Sometimes I have been quite uneasy for that sort of people ; but now I shall just dismiss the idea of them , altogether . Live and learn . I had my doubts , I confess , but now they 're cleared up . I did n't know , and now I do know , and that shows the advantage of asking -- do n't it ? ' I believed that Steerforth had said what he had , in jest , or to draw Miss Dartle out ; and I expected him to say as much when she was gone , and we two were sitting before the fire . But he merely asked me what I thought of her . 'She is very clever , is she not ? ' I asked . 'Clever ! She brings everything to a grindstone , ' said Steerforth , and sharpens it , as she has sharpened her own face and figure these years past . She has worn herself away by constant sharpening . She is all edge . ' 'What a remarkable scar that is upon her lip ! ' I said . Steerforth 's face fell , and he paused a moment . 'Why , the fact is , ' he returned , 'I did that . ' 'By an unfortunate accident ! ' 'No . I was a young boy , and she exasperated me , and I threw a hammer at her . A promising young angel I must have been ! ' I was deeply sorry to have touched on such a painful theme , but that was useless now . 'She has borne the mark ever since , as you see , ' said Steerforth ; 'and she 'll bear it to her grave , if she ever rests in one -- though I can hardly believe she will ever rest anywhere . She was the motherless child of a sort of cousin of my father 's . He died one day . My mother , who was then a widow , brought her here to be company to her . She has a couple of thousand pounds of her own , and saves the interest of it every year , to add to the principal . There 's the history of Miss Rosa Dartle for you . ' 'And I have no doubt she loves you like a brother ? ' said I . 'Humph ! ' retorted Steerforth , looking at the fire . 'Some brothers are not loved over much ; and some love -- but help yourself , Copperfield ! We 'll drink the daisies of the field , in compliment to you ; and the lilies of the valley that toil not , neither do they spin , in compliment to me -- the more shame for me ! ' A moody smile that had overspread his features cleared off as he said this merrily , and he was his own frank , winning self again . I could not help glancing at the scar with a painful interest when we went in to tea . It was not long before I observed that it was the most susceptible part of her face , and that , when she turned pale , that mark altered first , and became a dull , lead-coloured streak , lengthening out to its full extent , like a mark in invisible ink brought to the fire . There was a little altercation between her and Steerforth about a cast of the dice at back gammon -- when I thought her , for one moment , in a storm of rage ; and then I saw it start forth like the old writing on the wall . It was no matter of wonder to me to find Mrs. Steerforth devoted to her son . She seemed to be able to speak or think about nothing else . She showed me his picture as an infant , in a locket , with some of his baby-hair in it ; she showed me his picture as he had been when I first knew him ; and she wore at her breast his picture as he was now . All the letters he had ever written to her , she kept in a cabinet near her own chair by the fire ; and she would have read me some of them , and I should have been very glad to hear them too , if he had not interposed , and coaxed her out of the design . 'It was at Mr. Creakle 's , my son tells me , that you first became acquainted , ' said Mrs. Steerforth , as she and I were talking at one table , while they played backgammon at another . 'Indeed , I recollect his speaking , at that time , of a pupil younger than himself who had taken his fancy there ; but your name , as you may suppose , has not lived in my memory . ' 'He was very generous and noble to me in those days , I assure you , ma'am , ' said I , 'and I stood in need of such a friend . I should have been quite crushed without him . ' 'He is always generous and noble , ' said Mrs. Steerforth , proudly . I subscribed to this with all my heart , God knows . She knew I did ; for the stateliness of her manner already abated towards me , except when she spoke in praise of him , and then her air was always lofty . 'It was not a fit school generally for my son , ' said she ; 'far from it ; but there were particular circumstances to be considered at the time , of more importance even than that selection . My son 's high spirit made it desirable that he should be placed with some man who felt its superiority , and would be content to bow himself before it ; and we found such a man there . ' I knew that , knowing the fellow . And yet I did not despise him the more for it , but thought it a redeeming quality in him if he could be allowed any grace for not resisting one so irresistible as Steerforth . 'My son 's great capacity was tempted on , there , by a feeling of voluntary emulation and conscious pride , ' the fond lady went on to say . 'He would have risen against all constraint ; but he found himself the monarch of the place , and he haughtily determined to be worthy of his station . It was like himself . ' I echoed , with all my heart and soul , that it was like himself . 'So my son took , of his own will , and on no compulsion , to the course in which he can always , when it is his pleasure , outstrip every competitor , ' she pursued . 'My son informs me , Mr. Copperfield , that you were quite devoted to him , and that when you met yesterday you made yourself known to him with tears of joy . I should be an affected woman if I made any pretence of being surprised by my son 's inspiring such emotions ; but I can not be indifferent to anyone who is so sensible of his merit , and I am very glad to see you here , and can assure you that he feels an unusual friendship for you , and that you may rely on his protection . ' Miss Dartle played backgammon as eagerly as she did everything else . If I had seen her , first , at the board , I should have fancied that her figure had got thin , and her eyes had got large , over that pursuit , and no other in the world . But I am very much mistaken if she missed a word of this , or lost a look of mine as I received it with the utmost pleasure , and honoured by Mrs. Steerforth 's confidence , felt older than I had done since I left Canterbury . When the evening was pretty far spent , and a tray of glasses and decanters came in , Steerforth promised , over the fire , that he would seriously think of going down into the country with me . There was no hurry , he said ; a week hence would do ; and his mother hospitably said the same . While we were talking , he more than once called me Daisy ; which brought Miss Dartle out again . 'But really , Mr. Copperfield , ' she asked , 'is it a nickname ? And why does he give it you ? Is it -- eh ? -- because he thinks you young and innocent ? I am so stupid in these things . ' I coloured in replying that I believed it was . 'Oh ! ' said Miss Dartle . 'Now I am glad to know that ! I ask for information , and I am glad to know it . He thinks you young and innocent ; and so you are his friend . Well , that 's quite delightful ! ' She went to bed soon after this , and Mrs. Steerforth retired too . Steerforth and I , after lingering for half-an-hour over the fire , talking about Traddles and all the rest of them at old Salem House , went upstairs together . Steerforth 's room was next to mine , and I went in to look at it . It was a picture of comfort , full of easy-chairs , cushions and footstools , worked by his mother 's hand , and with no sort of thing omitted that could help to render it complete . Finally , her handsome features looked down on her darling from a portrait on the wall , as if it were even something to her that her likeness should watch him while he slept . I found the fire burning clear enough in my room by this time , and the curtains drawn before the windows and round the bed , giving it a very snug appearance . I sat down in a great chair upon the hearth to meditate on my happiness ; and had enjoyed the contemplation of it for some time , when I found a likeness of Miss Dartle looking eagerly at me from above the chimney-piece . It was a startling likeness , and necessarily had a startling look . The painter had n't made the scar , but I made it ; and there it was , coming and going ; now confined to the upper lip as I had seen it at dinner , and now showing the whole extent of the wound inflicted by the hammer , as I had seen it when she was passionate . I wondered peevishly why they could n't put her anywhere else instead of quartering her on me . To get rid of her , I undressed quickly , extinguished my light , and went to bed . But , as I fell asleep , I could not forget that she was still there looking , 'Is it really , though ? I want to know ' ; and when I awoke in the night , I found that I was uneasily asking all sorts of people in my dreams whether it really was or not -- without knowing what I meant . CHAPTER 21 . LITTLE EM'LY There was a servant in that house , a man who , I understood , was usually with Steerforth , and had come into his service at the University , who was in appearance a pattern of respectability . I believe there never existed in his station a more respectable-looking man . He was taciturn , soft-footed , very quiet in his manner , deferential , observant , always at hand when wanted , and never near when not wanted ; but his great claim to consideration was his respectability . He had not a pliant face , he had rather a stiff neck , rather a tight smooth head with short hair clinging to it at the sides , a soft way of speaking , with a peculiar habit of whispering the letter S so distinctly , that he seemed to use it oftener than any other man ; but every peculiarity that he had he made respectable . If his nose had been upside-down , he would have made that respectable . He surrounded himself with an atmosphere of respectability , and walked secure in it . It would have been next to impossible to suspect him of anything wrong , he was so thoroughly respectable . Nobody could have thought of putting him in a livery , he was so highly respectable . To have imposed any derogatory work upon him , would have been to inflict a wanton insult on the feelings of a most respectable man . And of this , I noticed -- the women-servants in the household were so intuitively conscious , that they always did such work themselves , and generally while he read the paper by the pantry fire . Such a self-contained man I never saw . But in that quality , as in every other he possessed , he only seemed to be the more respectable . Even the fact that no one knew his Christian name , seemed to form a part of his respectability . Nothing could be objected against his surname , Littimer , by which he was known . Peter might have been hanged , or Tom transported ; but Littimer was perfectly respectable . It was occasioned , I suppose , by the reverend nature of respectability in the abstract , but I felt particularly young in this man 's presence . How old he was himself , I could not guess -- and that again went to his credit on the same score ; for in the calmness of respectability he might have numbered fifty years as well as thirty . Littimer was in my room in the morning before I was up , to bring me that reproachful shaving-water , and to put out my clothes . When I undrew the curtains and looked out of bed , I saw him , in an equable temperature of respectability , unaffected by the east wind of January , and not even breathing frostily , standing my boots right and left in the first dancing position , and blowing specks of dust off my coat as he laid it down like a baby . I gave him good morning , and asked him what o'clock it was . He took out of his pocket the most respectable hunting-watch I ever saw , and preventing the spring with his thumb from opening far , looked in at the face as if he were consulting an oracular oyster , shut it up again , and said , if I pleased , it was half past eight . 'Mr . Steerforth will be glad to hear how you have rested , sir . ' 'Thank you , ' said I , 'very well indeed . Is Mr. Steerforth quite well ? ' 'Thank you , sir , Mr. Steerforth is tolerably well . ' Another of his characteristics -- no use of superlatives . A cool calm medium always . 'Is there anything more I can have the honour of doing for you , sir ? The warning-bell will ring at nine ; the family take breakfast at half past nine . ' 'Nothing , I thank you . ' 'I thank YOU , sir , if you please ' ; and with that , and with a little inclination of his head when he passed the bed-side , as an apology for correcting me , he went out , shutting the door as delicately as if I had just fallen into a sweet sleep on which my life depended . Every morning we held exactly this conversation : never any more , and never any less : and yet , invariably , however far I might have been lifted out of myself over-night , and advanced towards maturer years , by Steerforth 's companionship , or Mrs. Steerforth 's confidence , or Miss Dartle 's conversation , in the presence of this most respectable man I became , as our smaller poets sing , 'a boy again ' . He got horses for us ; and Steerforth , who knew everything , gave me lessons in riding . He provided foils for us , and Steerforth gave me lessons in fencing -- gloves , and I began , of the same master , to improve in boxing . It gave me no manner of concern that Steerforth should find me a novice in these sciences , but I never could bear to show my want of skill before the respectable Littimer . I had no reason to believe that Littimer understood such arts himself ; he never led me to suppose anything of the kind , by so much as the vibration of one of his respectable eyelashes ; yet whenever he was by , while we were practising , I felt myself the greenest and most inexperienced of mortals . I am particular about this man , because he made a particular effect on me at that time , and because of what took place thereafter . The week passed away in a most delightful manner . It passed rapidly , as may be supposed , to one entranced as I was ; and yet it gave me so many occasions for knowing Steerforth better , and admiring him more in a thousand respects , that at its close I seemed to have been with him for a much longer time . A dashing way he had of treating me like a plaything , was more agreeable to me than any behaviour he could have adopted . It reminded me of our old acquaintance ; it seemed the natural sequel of it ; it showed me that he was unchanged ; it relieved me of any uneasiness I might have felt , in comparing my merits with his , and measuring my claims upon his friendship by any equal standard ; above all , it was a familiar , unrestrained , affectionate demeanour that he used towards no one else . As he had treated me at school differently from all the rest , I joyfully believed that he treated me in life unlike any other friend he had . I believed that I was nearer to his heart than any other friend , and my own heart warmed with attachment to him . He made up his mind to go with me into the country , and the day arrived for our departure . He had been doubtful at first whether to take Littimer or not , but decided to leave him at home . The respectable creature , satisfied with his lot whatever it was , arranged our portmanteaux on the little carriage that was to take us into London , as if they were intended to defy the shocks of ages , and received my modestly proffered donation with perfect tranquillity . We bade adieu to Mrs. Steerforth and Miss Dartle , with many thanks on my part , and much kindness on the devoted mother 's . The last thing I saw was Littimer 's unruffled eye ; fraught , as I fancied , with the silent conviction that I was very young indeed . What I felt , in returning so auspiciously to the old familiar places , I shall not endeavour to describe . We went down by the Mail . I was so concerned , I recollect , even for the honour of Yarmouth , that when Steerforth said , as we drove through its dark streets to the inn , that , as well as he could make out , it was a good , queer , out-of-the-way kind of hole , I was highly pleased . We went to bed on our arrival ( I observed a pair of dirty shoes and gaiters in connexion with my old friend the Dolphin as we passed that door ) , and breakfasted late in the morning . Steerforth , who was in great spirits , had been strolling about the beach before I was up , and had made acquaintance , he said , with half the boatmen in the place . Moreover , he had seen , in the distance , what he was sure must be the identical house of Mr. Peggotty , with smoke coming out of the chimney ; and had had a great mind , he told me , to walk in and swear he was myself grown out of knowledge . 'When do you propose to introduce me there , Daisy ? ' he said . 'I am at your disposal . Make your own arrangements . ' 'Why , I was thinking that this evening would be a good time , Steerforth , when they are all sitting round the fire . I should like you to see it when it 's snug , it 's such a curious place . ' 'So be it ! ' returned Steerforth . 'This evening . ' 'I shall not give them any notice that we are here , you know , ' said I , delighted . 'We must take them by surprise . ' 'Oh , of course ! It 's no fun , ' said Steerforth , 'unless we take them by surprise . Let us see the natives in their aboriginal condition . ' 'Though they ARE that sort of people that you mentioned , ' I returned . 'Aha ! What ! you recollect my skirmishes with Rosa , do you ? ' he exclaimed with a quick look . 'Confound the girl , I am half afraid of her . She's like a goblin to me . But never mind her . Now what are you going to do ? You are going to see your nurse , I suppose ? ' 'Why , yes , ' I said , 'I must see Peggotty first of all . ' 'Well , ' replied Steerforth , looking at his watch . 'Suppose I deliver you up to be cried over for a couple of hours . Is that long enough ? ' I answered , laughing , that I thought we might get through it in that time , but that he must come also ; for he would find that his renown had preceded him , and that he was almost as great a personage as I was . 'I 'll come anywhere you like , ' said Steerforth , 'or do anything you like . Tell me where to come to ; and in two hours I 'll produce myself in any state you please , sentimental or comical . ' I gave him minute directions for finding the residence of Mr. Barkis , carrier to Blunderstone and elsewhere ; and , on this understanding , went out alone . There was a sharp bracing air ; the ground was dry ; the sea was crisp and clear ; the sun was diffusing abundance of light , if not much warmth ; and everything was fresh and lively . I was so fresh and lively myself , in the pleasure of being there , that I could have stopped the people in the streets and shaken hands with them . The streets looked small , of course . The streets that we have only seen as children always do , I believe , when we go back to them . But I had forgotten nothing in them , and found nothing changed , until I came to Mr. Omer 's shop . OMER AND Joram was now written up , where OMER used to be ; but the inscription , DRAPER , TAILOR , HABERDASHER , FUNERAL FURNISHER , & c. , remained as it was . My footsteps seemed to tend so naturally to the shop door , after I had read these words from over the way , that I went across the road and looked in . There was a pretty woman at the back of the shop , dancing a little child in her arms , while another little fellow clung to her apron . I had no difficulty in recognizing either Minnie or Minnie's children . The glass door of the parlour was not open ; but in the workshop across the yard I could faintly hear the old tune playing , as if it had never left off . 'Is Mr. Omer at home ? ' said I , entering . 'I should like to see him , for a moment , if he is . ' 'Oh yes , sir , he is at home , ' said Minnie ; 'the weather do n't suit his asthma out of doors . Joe , call your grandfather ! ' The little fellow , who was holding her apron , gave such a lusty shout , that the sound of it made him bashful , and he buried his face in her skirts , to her great admiration . I heard a heavy puffing and blowing coming towards us , and soon Mr. Omer , shorter-winded than of yore , but not much older-looking , stood before me . 'Servant , sir , ' said Mr. Omer . 'What can I do for you , sir ? ' 'You can shake hands with me , Mr. Omer , if you please , ' said I , putting out my own . 'You were very good-natured to me once , when I am afraid I didn't show that I thought so . ' 'Was I though ? ' returned the old man . 'I 'm glad to hear it , but I don't remember when . Are you sure it was me ? ' 'Quite . ' 'I think my memory has got as short as my breath , ' said Mr. Omer , looking at me and shaking his head ; 'for I do n't remember you . ' 'Do n't you remember your coming to the coach to meet me , and my having breakfast here , and our riding out to Blunderstone together : you , and I , and Mrs. Joram , and Mr. Joram too -- who was n't her husband then ? ' 'Why , Lord bless my soul ! ' exclaimed Mr. Omer , after being thrown by his surprise into a fit of coughing , 'you do n't say so ! Minnie , my dear , you recollect ? Dear me , yes ; the party was a lady , I think ? ' 'My mother , ' I rejoined . 'To -- be -- sure , ' said Mr. Omer , touching my waistcoat with his forefinger , 'and there was a little child too ! There was two parties . The little party was laid along with the other party . Over at Blunderstone it was , of course . Dear me ! And how have you been since ? ' Very well , I thanked him , as I hoped he had been too . 'Oh ! nothing to grumble at , you know , ' said Mr. Omer . 'I find my breath gets short , but it seldom gets longer as a man gets older . I take it as it comes , and make the most of it . That 's the best way , ai n't it ? ' Mr. Omer coughed again , in consequence of laughing , and was assisted out of his fit by his daughter , who now stood close beside us , dancing her smallest child on the counter . 'Dear me ! ' said Mr. Omer . 'Yes , to be sure . Two parties ! Why , in that very ride , if you 'll believe me , the day was named for my Minnie to marry Joram . `` Do name it , sir , '' says Joram . `` Yes , do , father , '' says Minnie . And now he 's come into the business . And look here ! The youngest ! ' Minnie laughed , and stroked her banded hair upon her temples , as her father put one of his fat fingers into the hand of the child she was dancing on the counter . 'Two parties , of course ! ' said Mr. Omer , nodding his head retrospectively . 'Ex-actly so ! And Joram 's at work , at this minute , on a grey one with silver nails , not this measurement ' -- the measurement of the dancing child upon the counter -- 'by a good two inches. -- -Will you take something ? ' I thanked him , but declined . 'Let me see , ' said Mr. Omer . 'Barkis 's the carrier 's wife -- Peggotty's the boatman 's sister -- she had something to do with your family ? She was in service there , sure ? ' My answering in the affirmative gave him great satisfaction . 'I believe my breath will get long next , my memory 's getting so much so , ' said Mr. Omer . 'Well , sir , we 've got a young relation of hers here , under articles to us , that has as elegant a taste in the dress-making business -- I assure you I do n't believe there 's a Duchess in England can touch her . ' 'Not little Em'ly ? ' said I , involuntarily . 'Em'ly 's her name , ' said Mr. Omer , 'and she 's little too . But if you'll believe me , she has such a face of her own that half the women in this town are mad against her . ' 'Nonsense , father ! ' cried Minnie . 'My dear , ' said Mr. Omer , 'I do n't say it 's the case with you , ' winking at me , 'but I say that half the women in Yarmouth -- ah ! and in five mile round -- are mad against that girl . ' 'Then she should have kept to her own station in life , father , ' said Minnie , 'and not have given them any hold to talk about her , and then they could n't have done it . ' 'Could n't have done it , my dear ! ' retorted Mr. Omer . 'Could n't have done it ! Is that YOUR knowledge of life ? What is there that any woman could n't do , that she should n't do -- especially on the subject of another woman 's good looks ? ' I really thought it was all over with Mr. Omer , after he had uttered this libellous pleasantry . He coughed to that extent , and his breath eluded all his attempts to recover it with that obstinacy , that I fully expected to see his head go down behind the counter , and his little black breeches , with the rusty little bunches of ribbons at the knees , come quivering up in a last ineffectual struggle . At length , however , he got better , though he still panted hard , and was so exhausted that he was obliged to sit on the stool of the shop-desk . 'You see , ' he said , wiping his head , and breathing with difficulty , 'she has n't taken much to any companions here ; she has n't taken kindly to any particular acquaintances and friends , not to mention sweethearts . In consequence , an ill-natured story got about , that Em'ly wanted to be a lady . Now my opinion is , that it came into circulation principally on account of her sometimes saying , at the school , that if she was a lady she would like to do so-and-so for her uncle -- do n't you see ? -- and buy him such-and-such fine things . ' 'I assure you , Mr. Omer , she has said so to me , ' I returned eagerly , 'when we were both children . ' Mr. Omer nodded his head and rubbed his chin . 'Just so . Then out of a very little , she could dress herself , you see , better than most others could out of a deal , and that made things unpleasant . Moreover , she was rather what might be called wayward -- I 'll go so far as to say what I should call wayward myself , ' said Mr. Omer ; ' -- did n't know her own mind quite -- a little spoiled -- and could n't , at first , exactly bind herself down . No more than that was ever said against her , Minnie ? ' 'No , father , ' said Mrs. Joram . 'That 's the worst , I believe . ' 'So when she got a situation , ' said Mr. Omer , 'to keep a fractious old lady company , they did n't very well agree , and she did n't stop . At last she came here , apprenticed for three years . Nearly two of 'em are over , and she has been as good a girl as ever was . Worth any six ! Minnie , is she worth any six , now ? ' 'Yes , father , ' replied Minnie . 'Never say I detracted from her ! ' 'Very good , ' said Mr. Omer . 'That 's right . And so , young gentleman , ' he added , after a few moments ' further rubbing of his chin , 'that you may not consider me long-winded as well as short-breathed , I believe that's all about it . ' As they had spoken in a subdued tone , while speaking of Em'ly , I had no doubt that she was near . On my asking now , if that were not so , Mr. Omer nodded yes , and nodded towards the door of the parlour . My hurried inquiry if I might peep in , was answered with a free permission ; and , looking through the glass , I saw her sitting at her work . I saw her , a most beautiful little creature , with the cloudless blue eyes , that had looked into my childish heart , turned laughingly upon another child of Minnie 's who was playing near her ; with enough of wilfulness in her bright face to justify what I had heard ; with much of the old capricious coyness lurking in it ; but with nothing in her pretty looks , I am sure , but what was meant for goodness and for happiness , and what was on a good and happy course . The tune across the yard that seemed as if it never had left off -- alas ! it was the tune that never DOES leave off -- was beating , softly , all the while . 'Would n't you like to step in , ' said Mr. Omer , 'and speak to her ? Walk in and speak to her , sir ! Make yourself at home ! ' I was too bashful to do so then -- I was afraid of confusing her , and I was no less afraid of confusing myself. -- but I informed myself of the hour at which she left of an evening , in order that our visit might be timed accordingly ; and taking leave of Mr. Omer , and his pretty daughter , and her little children , went away to my dear old Peggotty 's . Here she was , in the tiled kitchen , cooking dinner ! The moment I knocked at the door she opened it , and asked me what I pleased to want . I looked at her with a smile , but she gave me no smile in return . I had never ceased to write to her , but it must have been seven years since we had met . 'Is Mr. Barkis at home , ma'am ? ' I said , feigning to speak roughly to her . 'He 's at home , sir , ' returned Peggotty , 'but he 's bad abed with the rheumatics . ' 'Do n't he go over to Blunderstone now ? ' I asked . 'When he 's well he do , ' she answered . 'Do YOU ever go there , Mrs . Barkis ? ' She looked at me more attentively , and I noticed a quick movement of her hands towards each other . 'Because I want to ask a question about a house there , that they call the -- what is it ? -- the Rookery , ' said I . She took a step backward , and put out her hands in an undecided frightened way , as if to keep me off . 'Peggotty ! ' I cried to her . She cried , 'My darling boy ! ' and we both burst into tears , and were locked in one another 's arms . What extravagances she committed ; what laughing and crying over me ; what pride she showed , what joy , what sorrow that she whose pride and joy I might have been , could never hold me in a fond embrace ; I have not the heart to tell . I was troubled with no misgiving that it was young in me to respond to her emotions . I had never laughed and cried in all my life , I dare say -- not even to her -- more freely than I did that morning . 'Barkis will be so glad , ' said Peggotty , wiping her eyes with her apron , 'that it 'll do him more good than pints of liniment . May I go and tell him you are here ? Will you come up and see him , my dear ? ' Of course I would . But Peggotty could not get out of the room as easily as she meant to , for as often as she got to the door and looked round at me , she came back again to have another laugh and another cry upon my shoulder . At last , to make the matter easier , I went upstairs with her ; and having waited outside for a minute , while she said a word of preparation to Mr. Barkis , presented myself before that invalid . He received me with absolute enthusiasm . He was too rheumatic to be shaken hands with , but he begged me to shake the tassel on the top of his nightcap , which I did most cordially . When I sat down by the side of the bed , he said that it did him a world of good to feel as if he was driving me on the Blunderstone road again . As he lay in bed , face upward , and so covered , with that exception , that he seemed to be nothing but a face -- like a conventional cherubim -- he looked the queerest object I ever beheld . 'What name was it , as I wrote up in the cart , sir ? ' said Mr. Barkis , with a slow rheumatic smile . 'Ah ! Mr. Barkis , we had some grave talks about that matter , had n't we ? ' 'I was willin ' a long time , sir ? ' said Mr. Barkis . 'A long time , ' said I . 'And I do n't regret it , ' said Mr. Barkis . 'Do you remember what you told me once , about her making all the apple parsties and doing all the cooking ? ' 'Yes , very well , ' I returned . 'It was as true , ' said Mr. Barkis , 'as turnips is . It was as true , ' said Mr. Barkis , nodding his nightcap , which was his only means of emphasis , 'as taxes is . And nothing 's truer than them . ' Mr. Barkis turned his eyes upon me , as if for my assent to this result of his reflections in bed ; and I gave it . 'Nothing 's truer than them , ' repeated Mr. Barkis ; 'a man as poor as I am , finds that out in his mind when he 's laid up . I 'm a very poor man , sir ! ' 'I am sorry to hear it , Mr . Barkis . ' 'A very poor man , indeed I am , ' said Mr. Barkis . Here his right hand came slowly and feebly from under the bedclothes , and with a purposeless uncertain grasp took hold of a stick which was loosely tied to the side of the bed . After some poking about with this instrument , in the course of which his face assumed a variety of distracted expressions , Mr. Barkis poked it against a box , an end of which had been visible to me all the time . Then his face became composed . 'Old clothes , ' said Mr. Barkis . 'Oh ! ' said I . 'I wish it was Money , sir , ' said Mr. Barkis . 'I wish it was , indeed , ' said I . 'But it AI N'T , ' said Mr. Barkis , opening both his eyes as wide as he possibly could . I expressed myself quite sure of that , and Mr. Barkis , turning his eyes more gently to his wife , said : 'She 's the usefullest and best of women , C. P. Barkis . All the praise that anyone can give to C. P. Barkis , she deserves , and more ! My dear , you 'll get a dinner today , for company ; something good to eat and drink , will you ? ' I should have protested against this unnecessary demonstration in my honour , but that I saw Peggotty , on the opposite side of the bed , extremely anxious I should not . So I held my peace . 'I have got a trifle of money somewhere about me , my dear , ' said Mr. Barkis , 'but I 'm a little tired . If you and Mr. David will leave me for a short nap , I 'll try and find it when I wake . ' We left the room , in compliance with this request . When we got outside the door , Peggotty informed me that Mr. Barkis , being now 'a little nearer ' than he used to be , always resorted to this same device before producing a single coin from his store ; and that he endured unheard-of agonies in crawling out of bed alone , and taking it from that unlucky box . In effect , we presently heard him uttering suppressed groans of the most dismal nature , as this magpie proceeding racked him in every joint ; but while Peggotty 's eyes were full of compassion for him , she said his generous impulse would do him good , and it was better not to check it . So he groaned on , until he had got into bed again , suffering , I have no doubt , a martyrdom ; and then called us in , pretending to have just woke up from a refreshing sleep , and to produce a guinea from under his pillow . His satisfaction in which happy imposition on us , and in having preserved the impenetrable secret of the box , appeared to be a sufficient compensation to him for all his tortures . I prepared Peggotty for Steerforth 's arrival and it was not long before he came . I am persuaded she knew no difference between his having been a personal benefactor of hers , and a kind friend to me , and that she would have received him with the utmost gratitude and devotion in any case . But his easy , spirited good humour ; his genial manner , his handsome looks , his natural gift of adapting himself to whomsoever he pleased , and making direct , when he cared to do it , to the main point of interest in anybody 's heart ; bound her to him wholly in five minutes . His manner to me , alone , would have won her . But , through all these causes combined , I sincerely believe she had a kind of adoration for him before he left the house that night . He stayed there with me to dinner -- if I were to say willingly , I should not half express how readily and gaily . He went into Mr. Barkis 's room like light and air , brightening and refreshing it as if he were healthy weather . There was no noise , no effort , no consciousness , in anything he did ; but in everything an indescribable lightness , a seeming impossibility of doing anything else , or doing anything better , which was so graceful , so natural , and agreeable , that it overcomes me , even now , in the remembrance . We made merry in the little parlour , where the Book of Martyrs , unthumbed since my time , was laid out upon the desk as of old , and where I now turned over its terrific pictures , remembering the old sensations they had awakened , but not feeling them . When Peggotty spoke of what she called my room , and of its being ready for me at night , and of her hoping I would occupy it , before I could so much as look at Steerforth , hesitating , he was possessed of the whole case . 'Of course , ' he said . 'You 'll sleep here , while we stay , and I shall sleep at the hotel . ' 'But to bring you so far , ' I returned , 'and to separate , seems bad companionship , Steerforth . ' 'Why , in the name of Heaven , where do you naturally belong ? ' he said . 'What is `` seems '' , compared to that ? ' It was settled at once . He maintained all his delightful qualities to the last , until we started forth , at eight o'clock , for Mr. Peggotty 's boat . Indeed , they were more and more brightly exhibited as the hours went on ; for I thought even then , and I have no doubt now , that the consciousness of success in his determination to please , inspired him with a new delicacy of perception , and made it , subtle as it was , more easy to him . If anyone had told me , then , that all this was a brilliant game , played for the excitement of the moment , for the employment of high spirits , in the thoughtless love of superiority , in a mere wasteful careless course of winning what was worthless to him , and next minute thrown away -- I say , if anyone had told me such a lie that night , I wonder in what manner of receiving it my indignation would have found a vent ! Probably only in an increase , had that been possible , of the romantic feelings of fidelity and friendship with which I walked beside him , over the dark wintry sands towards the old boat ; the wind sighing around us even more mournfully , than it had sighed and moaned upon the night when I first darkened Mr. Peggotty's door . 'This is a wild kind of place , Steerforth , is it not ? ' 'Dismal enough in the dark , ' he said : 'and the sea roars as if it were hungry for us . Is that the boat , where I see a light yonder ? ' 'That's the boat , ' said I . 'And it 's the same I saw this morning , ' he returned . 'I came straight to it , by instinct , I suppose . ' We said no more as we approached the light , but made softly for the door . I laid my hand upon the latch ; and whispering Steerforth to keep close to me , went in . A murmur of voices had been audible on the outside , and , at the moment of our entrance , a clapping of hands : which latter noise , I was surprised to see , proceeded from the generally disconsolate Mrs. Gummidge . But Mrs. Gummidge was not the only person there who was unusually excited . Mr. Peggotty , his face lighted up with uncommon satisfaction , and laughing with all his might , held his rough arms wide open , as if for little Em'ly to run into them ; Ham , with a mixed expression in his face of admiration , exultation , and a lumbering sort of bashfulness that sat upon him very well , held little Em'ly by the hand , as if he were presenting her to Mr. Peggotty ; little Em'ly herself , blushing and shy , but delighted with Mr. Peggotty 's delight , as her joyous eyes expressed , was stopped by our entrance ( for she saw us first ) in the very act of springing from Ham to nestle in Mr. Peggotty's embrace . In the first glimpse we had of them all , and at the moment of our passing from the dark cold night into the warm light room , this was the way in which they were all employed : Mrs. Gummidge in the background , clapping her hands like a madwoman . The little picture was so instantaneously dissolved by our going in , that one might have doubted whether it had ever been . I was in the midst of the astonished family , face to face with Mr. Peggotty , and holding out my hand to him , when Ham shouted : 'Mas'r Davy ! It 's Mas'r Davy ! ' In a moment we were all shaking hands with one another , and asking one another how we did , and telling one another how glad we were to meet , and all talking at once . Mr. Peggotty was so proud and overjoyed to see us , that he did not know what to say or do , but kept over and over again shaking hands with me , and then with Steerforth , and then with me , and then ruffling his shaggy hair all over his head , and laughing with such glee and triumph , that it was a treat to see him . 'Why , that you two gent'lmen -- gent'lmen growed -- should come to this here roof tonight , of all nights in my life , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'is such a thing as never happened afore , I do rightly believe ! Em'ly , my darling , come here ! Come here , my little witch ! There 's Mas'r Davy 's friend , my dear ! There 's the gent'lman as you 've heerd on , Em'ly . He comes to see you , along with Mas'r Davy , on the brightest night of your uncle 's life as ever was or will be , Gorm the t'other one , and horroar for it ! ' After delivering this speech all in a breath , and with extraordinary animation and pleasure , Mr. Peggotty put one of his large hands rapturously on each side of his niece 's face , and kissing it a dozen times , laid it with a gentle pride and love upon his broad chest , and patted it as if his hand had been a lady 's . Then he let her go ; and as she ran into the little chamber where I used to sleep , looked round upon us , quite hot and out of breath with his uncommon satisfaction . 'If you two gent'lmen -- gent'lmen growed now , and such gent'lmen -- ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'So th ' are , so th ' are ! ' cried Ham . 'Well said ! So th ' are . Mas'r Davy bor ' -- gent'lmen growed -- so th ' are ! ' 'If you two gent'lmen , gent'lmen growed , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'don't ex-cuse me for being in a state of mind , when you understand matters , I 'll arks your pardon . Em'ly , my dear ! -- She knows I 'm a going to tell , ' here his delight broke out again , 'and has made off . Would you be so good as look arter her , Mawther , for a minute ? ' Mrs. Gummidge nodded and disappeared . 'If this ai n't , ' said Mr. Peggotty , sitting down among us by the fire , 'the brightest night o ' my life , I 'm a shellfish -- biled too -- and more I ca n't say . This here little Em'ly , sir , ' in a low voice to Steerforth , ' -- her as you see a blushing here just now -- ' Steerforth only nodded ; but with such a pleased expression of interest , and of participation in Mr. Peggotty 's feelings , that the latter answered him as if he had spoken . 'To be sure , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'That 's her , and so she is . Thankee , sir . ' Ham nodded to me several times , as if he would have said so too . 'This here little Em'ly of ours , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'has been , in our house , what I suppose ( I 'm a ignorant man , but that 's my belief ) no one but a little bright-eyed creetur can be in a house . She ai n't my child ; I never had one ; but I could n't love her more . You understand ! I could n't do it ! ' 'I quite understand , ' said Steerforth . 'I know you do , sir , ' returned Mr. Peggotty , 'and thankee again . Mas'r Davy , he can remember what she was ; you may judge for your own self what she is ; but neither of you ca n't fully know what she has been , is , and will be , to my loving art . I am rough , sir , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'I am as rough as a Sea Porkypine ; but no one , unless , mayhap , it is a woman , can know , I think , what our little Em'ly is to me . And betwixt ourselves , ' sinking his voice lower yet , 'that woman 's name ai n't Missis Gummidge neither , though she has a world of merits . ' Mr. Peggotty ruffled his hair again , with both hands , as a further preparation for what he was going to say , and went on , with a hand upon each of his knees : 'There was a certain person as had know 'd our Em'ly , from the time when her father was drownded ; as had seen her constant ; when a babby , when a young gal , when a woman . Not much of a person to look at , he war n't , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'something o ' my own build -- rough -- a good deal o' the sou'-wester in him -- wery salt -- but , on the whole , a honest sort of a chap , with his art in the right place . ' I thought I had never seen Ham grin to anything like the extent to which he sat grinning at us now . 'What does this here blessed tarpaulin go and do , ' said Mr. Peggotty , with his face one high noon of enjoyment , 'but he loses that there art of his to our little Em'ly . He follers her about , he makes hisself a sort o ' servant to her , he loses in a great measure his relish for his wittles , and in the long-run he makes it clear to me wot 's amiss . Now I could wish myself , you see , that our little Em'ly was in a fair way of being married . I could wish to see her , at all ewents , under articles to a honest man as had a right to defend her . I do n't know how long I may live , or how soon I may die ; but I know that if I was capsized , any night , in a gale of wind in Yarmouth Roads here , and was to see the town-lights shining for the last time over the rollers as I couldn't make no head against , I could go down quieter for thinking `` There 's a man ashore there , iron-true to my little Em'ly , God bless her , and no wrong can touch my Em'ly while so be as that man lives . '' ' Mr. Peggotty , in simple earnestness , waved his right arm , as if he were waving it at the town-lights for the last time , and then , exchanging a nod with Ham , whose eye he caught , proceeded as before . 'Well ! I counsels him to speak to Em'ly . He 's big enough , but he's bashfuller than a little un , and he do n't like . So I speak . `` What ! Him ! '' says Em'ly . `` Him that I 've know 'd so intimate so many years , and like so much . Oh , Uncle ! I never can have him . He 's such a good fellow ! '' I gives her a kiss , and I says no more to her than , `` My dear , you 're right to speak out , you 're to choose for yourself , you 're as free as a little bird . '' Then I aways to him , and I says , `` I wish it could have been so , but it ca n't . But you can both be as you was , and wot I say to you is , Be as you was with her , like a man . '' He says to me , a-shaking of my hand , `` I will ! '' he says . And he was -- honourable and manful -- for two year going on , and we was just the same at home here as afore . ' Mr. Peggotty 's face , which had varied in its expression with the various stages of his narrative , now resumed all its former triumphant delight , as he laid a hand upon my knee and a hand upon Steerforth 's ( previously wetting them both , for the greater emphasis of the action ) , and divided the following speech between us : 'All of a sudden , one evening -- as it might be tonight -- comes little Em'ly from her work , and him with her ! There ai n't so much in that , you 'll say . No , because he takes care on her , like a brother , arter dark , and indeed afore dark , and at all times . But this tarpaulin chap , he takes hold of her hand , and he cries out to me , joyful , `` Look here ! This is to be my little wife ! '' And she says , half bold and half shy , and half a laughing and half a crying , `` Yes , Uncle ! If you please . '' -- If I please ! ' cried Mr. Peggotty , rolling his head in an ecstasy at the idea ; 'Lord , as if I should do anythink else ! -- '' If you please , I am steadier now , and I have thought better of it , and I 'll be as good a little wife as I can to him , for he 's a dear , good fellow ! '' Then Missis Gummidge , she claps her hands like a play , and you come in . Theer ! the murder's out ! ' said Mr. Peggotty -- 'You come in ! It took place this here present hour ; and here 's the man that 'll marry her , the minute she 's out of her time . ' Ham staggered , as well he might , under the blow Mr. Peggotty dealt him in his unbounded joy , as a mark of confidence and friendship ; but feeling called upon to say something to us , he said , with much faltering and great difficulty : 'She war n't no higher than you was , Mas'r Davy -- when you first come -- when I thought what she 'd grow up to be . I see her grown up -- gent'lmen -- like a flower . I 'd lay down my life for her -- Mas'r Davy -- Oh ! most content and cheerful ! She 's more to me -- gent'lmen -- than -- she 's all to me that ever I can want , and more than ever I -- than ever I could say . I -- I love her true . There ai n't a gent'lman in all the land -- nor yet sailing upon all the sea -- that can love his lady more than I love her , though there 's many a common man -- would say better -- what he meant . ' I thought it affecting to see such a sturdy fellow as Ham was now , trembling in the strength of what he felt for the pretty little creature who had won his heart . I thought the simple confidence reposed in us by Mr. Peggotty and by himself , was , in itself , affecting . I was affected by the story altogether . How far my emotions were influenced by the recollections of my childhood , I do n't know . Whether I had come there with any lingering fancy that I was still to love little Em'ly , I don't know . I know that I was filled with pleasure by all this ; but , at first , with an indescribably sensitive pleasure , that a very little would have changed to pain . Therefore , if it had depended upon me to touch the prevailing chord among them with any skill , I should have made a poor hand of it . But it depended upon Steerforth ; and he did it with such address , that in a few minutes we were all as easy and as happy as it was possible to be . 'Mr . Peggotty , ' he said , 'you are a thoroughly good fellow , and deserve to be as happy as you are tonight . My hand upon it ! Ham , I give you joy , my boy . My hand upon that , too ! Daisy , stir the fire , and make it a brisk one ! and Mr. Peggotty , unless you can induce your gentle niece to come back ( for whom I vacate this seat in the corner ) , I shall go . Any gap at your fireside on such a night -- such a gap least of all -- I would n't make , for the wealth of the Indies ! ' So Mr. Peggotty went into my old room to fetch little Em'ly . At first little Em'ly did n't like to come , and then Ham went . Presently they brought her to the fireside , very much confused , and very shy , -- but she soon became more assured when she found how gently and respectfully Steerforth spoke to her ; how skilfully he avoided anything that would embarrass her ; how he talked to Mr. Peggotty of boats , and ships , and tides , and fish ; how he referred to me about the time when he had seen Mr. Peggotty at Salem House ; how delighted he was with the boat and all belonging to it ; how lightly and easily he carried on , until he brought us , by degrees , into a charmed circle , and we were all talking away without any reserve . Em'ly , indeed , said little all the evening ; but she looked , and listened , and her face got animated , and she was charming . Steerforth told a story of a dismal shipwreck ( which arose out of his talk with Mr. Peggotty ) , as if he saw it all before him -- and little Em'ly 's eyes were fastened on him all the time , as if she saw it too . He told us a merry adventure of his own , as a relief to that , with as much gaiety as if the narrative were as fresh to him as it was to us -- and little Em'ly laughed until the boat rang with the musical sounds , and we all laughed ( Steerforth too ) , in irresistible sympathy with what was so pleasant and light-hearted . He got Mr. Peggotty to sing , or rather to roar , 'When the stormy winds do blow , do blow , do blow ' ; and he sang a sailor's song himself , so pathetically and beautifully , that I could have almost fancied that the real wind creeping sorrowfully round the house , and murmuring low through our unbroken silence , was there to listen . As to Mrs. Gummidge , he roused that victim of despondency with a success never attained by anyone else ( so Mr. Peggotty informed me ) , since the decease of the old one . He left her so little leisure for being miserable , that she said next day she thought she must have been bewitched . But he set up no monopoly of the general attention , or the conversation . When little Em'ly grew more courageous , and talked ( but still bashfully ) across the fire to me , of our old wanderings upon the beach , to pick up shells and pebbles ; and when I asked her if she recollected how I used to be devoted to her ; and when we both laughed and reddened , casting these looks back on the pleasant old times , so unreal to look at now ; he was silent and attentive , and observed us thoughtfully . She sat , at this time , and all the evening , on the old locker in her old little corner by the fire -- Ham beside her , where I used to sit . I could not satisfy myself whether it was in her own little tormenting way , or in a maidenly reserve before us , that she kept quite close to the wall , and away from him ; but I observed that she did so , all the evening . As I remember , it was almost midnight when we took our leave . We had had some biscuit and dried fish for supper , and Steerforth had produced from his pocket a full flask of Hollands , which we men ( I may say we men , now , without a blush ) had emptied . We parted merrily ; and as they all stood crowded round the door to light us as far as they could upon our road , I saw the sweet blue eyes of little Em'ly peeping after us , from behind Ham , and heard her soft voice calling to us to be careful how we went . 'A most engaging little Beauty ! ' said Steerforth , taking my arm . 'Well ! It 's a quaint place , and they are quaint company , and it 's quite a new sensation to mix with them . ' 'How fortunate we are , too , ' I returned , 'to have arrived to witness their happiness in that intended marriage ! I never saw people so happy . How delightful to see it , and to be made the sharers in their honest joy , as we have been ! ' 'That 's rather a chuckle-headed fellow for the girl ; is n't he ? ' said Steerforth . He had been so hearty with him , and with them all , that I felt a shock in this unexpected and cold reply . But turning quickly upon him , and seeing a laugh in his eyes , I answered , much relieved : 'Ah , Steerforth ! It 's well for you to joke about the poor ! You may skirmish with Miss Dartle , or try to hide your sympathies in jest from me , but I know better . When I see how perfectly you understand them , how exquisitely you can enter into happiness like this plain fisherman 's , or humour a love like my old nurse 's , I know that there is not a joy or sorrow , not an emotion , of such people , that can be indifferent to you . And I admire and love you for it , Steerforth , twenty times the more ! ' He stopped , and , looking in my face , said , 'Daisy , I believe you are in earnest , and are good . I wish we all were ! ' Next moment he was gaily singing Mr. Peggotty 's song , as we walked at a round pace back to Yarmouth . CHAPTER 22 . SOME OLD SCENES , AND SOME NEW PEOPLE Steerforth and I stayed for more than a fortnight in that part of the country . We were very much together , I need not say ; but occasionally we were asunder for some hours at a time . He was a good sailor , and I was but an indifferent one ; and when he went out boating with Mr. Peggotty , which was a favourite amusement of his , I generally remained ashore . My occupation of Peggotty 's spare-room put a constraint upon me , from which he was free : for , knowing how assiduously she attended on Mr. Barkis all day , I did not like to remain out late at night ; whereas Steerforth , lying at the Inn , had nothing to consult but his own humour . Thus it came about , that I heard of his making little treats for the fishermen at Mr. Peggotty 's house of call , 'The Willing Mind ' , after I was in bed , and of his being afloat , wrapped in fishermen 's clothes , whole moonlight nights , and coming back when the morning tide was at flood . By this time , however , I knew that his restless nature and bold spirits delighted to find a vent in rough toil and hard weather , as in any other means of excitement that presented itself freshly to him ; so none of his proceedings surprised me . Another cause of our being sometimes apart , was , that I had naturally an interest in going over to Blunderstone , and revisiting the old familiar scenes of my childhood ; while Steerforth , after being there once , had naturally no great interest in going there again . Hence , on three or four days that I can at once recall , we went our several ways after an early breakfast , and met again at a late dinner . I had no idea how he employed his time in the interval , beyond a general knowledge that he was very popular in the place , and had twenty means of actively diverting himself where another man might not have found one . For my own part , my occupation in my solitary pilgrimages was to recall every yard of the old road as I went along it , and to haunt the old spots , of which I never tired . I haunted them , as my memory had often done , and lingered among them as my younger thoughts had lingered when I was far away . The grave beneath the tree , where both my parents lay -- on which I had looked out , when it was my father 's only , with such curious feelings of compassion , and by which I had stood , so desolate , when it was opened to receive my pretty mother and her baby -- the grave which Peggotty 's own faithful care had ever since kept neat , and made a garden of , I walked near , by the hour . It lay a little off the churchyard path , in a quiet corner , not so far removed but I could read the names upon the stone as I walked to and fro , startled by the sound of the church-bell when it struck the hour , for it was like a departed voice to me . My reflections at these times were always associated with the figure I was to make in life , and the distinguished things I was to do . My echoing footsteps went to no other tune , but were as constant to that as if I had come home to build my castles in the air at a living mother's side . There were great changes in my old home . The ragged nests , so long deserted by the rooks , were gone ; and the trees were lopped and topped out of their remembered shapes . The garden had run wild , and half the windows of the house were shut up . It was occupied , but only by a poor lunatic gentleman , and the people who took care of him . He was always sitting at my little window , looking out into the churchyard ; and I wondered whether his rambling thoughts ever went upon any of the fancies that used to occupy mine , on the rosy mornings when I peeped out of that same little window in my night-clothes , and saw the sheep quietly feeding in the light of the rising sun . Our old neighbours , Mr. and Mrs. Grayper , were gone to South America , and the rain had made its way through the roof of their empty house , and stained the outer walls . Mr. Chillip was married again to a tall , raw-boned , high-nosed wife ; and they had a weazen little baby , with a heavy head that it could n't hold up , and two weak staring eyes , with which it seemed to be always wondering why it had ever been born . It was with a singular jumble of sadness and pleasure that I used to linger about my native place , until the reddening winter sun admonished me that it was time to start on my returning walk . But , when the place was left behind , and especially when Steerforth and I were happily seated over our dinner by a blazing fire , it was delicious to think of having been there . So it was , though in a softened degree , when I went to my neat room at night ; and , turning over the leaves of the crocodile-book ( which was always there , upon a little table ) , remembered with a grateful heart how blest I was in having such a friend as Steerforth , such a friend as Peggotty , and such a substitute for what I had lost as my excellent and generous aunt . MY nearest way to Yarmouth , in coming back from these long walks , was by a ferry . It landed me on the flat between the town and the sea , which I could make straight across , and so save myself a considerable circuit by the high road . Mr. Peggotty 's house being on that waste-place , and not a hundred yards out of my track , I always looked in as I went by . Steerforth was pretty sure to be there expecting me , and we went on together through the frosty air and gathering fog towards the twinkling lights of the town . One dark evening , when I was later than usual -- for I had , that day , been making my parting visit to Blunderstone , as we were now about to return home -- I found him alone in Mr. Peggotty 's house , sitting thoughtfully before the fire . He was so intent upon his own reflections that he was quite unconscious of my approach . This , indeed , he might easily have been if he had been less absorbed , for footsteps fell noiselessly on the sandy ground outside ; but even my entrance failed to rouse him . I was standing close to him , looking at him ; and still , with a heavy brow , he was lost in his meditations . He gave such a start when I put my hand upon his shoulder , that he made me start too . 'You come upon me , ' he said , almost angrily , 'like a reproachful ghost ! ' 'I was obliged to announce myself , somehow , ' I replied . 'Have I called you down from the stars ? ' 'No , ' he answered . 'No . ' 'Up from anywhere , then ? ' said I , taking my seat near him . 'I was looking at the pictures in the fire , ' he returned . 'But you are spoiling them for me , ' said I , as he stirred it quickly with a piece of burning wood , striking out of it a train of red-hot sparks that went careering up the little chimney , and roaring out into the air . 'You would not have seen them , ' he returned . 'I detest this mongrel time , neither day nor night . How late you are ! Where have you been ? ' 'I have been taking leave of my usual walk , ' said I . 'And I have been sitting here , ' said Steerforth , glancing round the room , 'thinking that all the people we found so glad on the night of our coming down , might -- to judge from the present wasted air of the place -- be dispersed , or dead , or come to I do n't know what harm . David , I wish to God I had had a judicious father these last twenty years ! ' 'My dear Steerforth , what is the matter ? ' 'I wish with all my soul I had been better guided ! ' he exclaimed . 'I wish with all my soul I could guide myself better ! ' There was a passionate dejection in his manner that quite amazed me . He was more unlike himself than I could have supposed possible . 'It would be better to be this poor Peggotty , or his lout of a nephew , ' he said , getting up and leaning moodily against the chimney-piece , with his face towards the fire , 'than to be myself , twenty times richer and twenty times wiser , and be the torment to myself that I have been , in this Devil 's bark of a boat , within the last half-hour ! ' I was so confounded by the alteration in him , that at first I could only observe him in silence , as he stood leaning his head upon his hand , and looking gloomily down at the fire . At length I begged him , with all the earnestness I felt , to tell me what had occurred to cross him so unusually , and to let me sympathize with him , if I could not hope to advise him . Before I had well concluded , he began to laugh -- fretfully at first , but soon with returning gaiety . 'Tut , it 's nothing , Daisy ! nothing ! ' he replied . 'I told you at the inn in London , I am heavy company for myself , sometimes . I have been a nightmare to myself , just now -- must have had one , I think . At odd dull times , nursery tales come up into the memory , unrecognized for what they are . I believe I have been confounding myself with the bad boy who '' did n't care '' , and became food for lions -- a grander kind of going to the dogs , I suppose . What old women call the horrors , have been creeping over me from head to foot . I have been afraid of myself . ' 'You are afraid of nothing else , I think , ' said I . 'Perhaps not , and yet may have enough to be afraid of too , ' he answered . 'Well ! So it goes by ! I am not about to be hipped again , David ; but I tell you , my good fellow , once more , that it would have been well for me ( and for more than me ) if I had had a steadfast and judicious father ! ' His face was always full of expression , but I never saw it express such a dark kind of earnestness as when he said these words , with his glance bent on the fire . 'So much for that ! ' he said , making as if he tossed something light into the air , with his hand . `` 'Why , being gone , I am a man again , '' like Macbeth . And now for dinner ! If I have not ( Macbeth-like ) broken up the feast with most admired disorder , Daisy . ' 'But where are they all , I wonder ! ' said I . 'God knows , ' said Steerforth . 'After strolling to the ferry looking for you , I strolled in here and found the place deserted . That set me thinking , and you found me thinking . ' The advent of Mrs. Gummidge with a basket , explained how the house had happened to be empty . She had hurried out to buy something that was needed , against Mr. Peggotty 's return with the tide ; and had left the door open in the meanwhile , lest Ham and little Em'ly , with whom it was an early night , should come home while she was gone . Steerforth , after very much improving Mrs. Gummidge 's spirits by a cheerful salutation and a jocose embrace , took my arm , and hurried me away . He had improved his own spirits , no less than Mrs. Gummidge 's , for they were again at their usual flow , and he was full of vivacious conversation as we went along . 'And so , ' he said , gaily , 'we abandon this buccaneer life tomorrow , do we ? ' 'So we agreed , ' I returned . 'And our places by the coach are taken , you know . ' 'Ay ! there 's no help for it , I suppose , ' said Steerforth . 'I have almost forgotten that there is anything to do in the world but to go out tossing on the sea here . I wish there was not . ' 'As long as the novelty should last , ' said I , laughing . 'Like enough , ' he returned ; 'though there 's a sarcastic meaning in that observation for an amiable piece of innocence like my young friend . Well ! I dare say I am a capricious fellow , David . I know I am ; but while the iron is hot , I can strike it vigorously too . I could pass a reasonably good examination already , as a pilot in these waters , I think . ' 'Mr . Peggotty says you are a wonder , ' I returned . 'A nautical phenomenon , eh ? ' laughed Steerforth . 'Indeed he does , and you know how truly ; I know how ardent you are in any pursuit you follow , and how easily you can master it . And that amazes me most in you , Steerforth -- that you should be contented with such fitful uses of your powers . ' 'Contented ? ' he answered , merrily . 'I am never contented , except with your freshness , my gentle Daisy . As to fitfulness , I have never learnt the art of binding myself to any of the wheels on which the Ixions of these days are turning round and round . I missed it somehow in a bad apprenticeship , and now do n't care about it. -- -You know I have bought a boat down here ? ' 'What an extraordinary fellow you are , Steerforth ! ' I exclaimed , stopping -- for this was the first I had heard of it . 'When you may never care to come near the place again ! ' 'I do n't know that , ' he returned . 'I have taken a fancy to the place . At all events , ' walking me briskly on , 'I have bought a boat that was for sale -- a clipper , Mr. Peggotty says ; and so she is -- and Mr. Peggotty will be master of her in my absence . ' 'Now I understand you , Steerforth ! ' said I , exultingly . 'You pretend to have bought it for yourself , but you have really done so to confer a benefit on him . I might have known as much at first , knowing you . My dear kind Steerforth , how can I tell you what I think of your generosity ? ' 'Tush ! ' he answered , turning red . 'The less said , the better . ' 'Did n't I know ? ' cried I , 'did n't I say that there was not a joy , or sorrow , or any emotion of such honest hearts that was indifferent to you ? ' 'Aye , aye , ' he answered , 'you told me all that . There let it rest . We have said enough ! ' Afraid of offending him by pursuing the subject when he made so light of it , I only pursued it in my thoughts as we went on at even a quicker pace than before . 'She must be newly rigged , ' said Steerforth , 'and I shall leave Littimer behind to see it done , that I may know she is quite complete . Did I tell you Littimer had come down ? ' 'No . ' 'Oh yes ! came down this morning , with a letter from my mother . ' As our looks met , I observed that he was pale even to his lips , though he looked very steadily at me . I feared that some difference between him and his mother might have led to his being in the frame of mind in which I had found him at the solitary fireside . I hinted so . 'Oh no ! ' he said , shaking his head , and giving a slight laugh . 'Nothing of the sort ! Yes . He is come down , that man of mine . ' 'The same as ever ? ' said I . 'The same as ever , ' said Steerforth . 'Distant and quiet as the North Pole . He shall see to the boat being fresh named . She 's the `` Stormy Petrel '' now . What does Mr. Peggotty care for Stormy Petrels ! I 'll have her christened again . ' 'By what name ? ' I asked . 'The `` Little Em'ly '' . ' As he had continued to look steadily at me , I took it as a reminder that he objected to being extolled for his consideration . I could not help showing in my face how much it pleased me , but I said little , and he resumed his usual smile , and seemed relieved . 'But see here , ' he said , looking before us , 'where the original little Em'ly comes ! And that fellow with her , eh ? Upon my soul , he 's a true knight . He never leaves her ! ' Ham was a boat-builder in these days , having improved a natural ingenuity in that handicraft , until he had become a skilled workman . He was in his working-dress , and looked rugged enough , but manly withal , and a very fit protector for the blooming little creature at his side . Indeed , there was a frankness in his face , an honesty , and an undisguised show of his pride in her , and his love for her , which were , to me , the best of good looks . I thought , as they came towards us , that they were well matched even in that particular . She withdrew her hand timidly from his arm as we stopped to speak to them , and blushed as she gave it to Steerforth and to me . When they passed on , after we had exchanged a few words , she did not like to replace that hand , but , still appearing timid and constrained , walked by herself . I thought all this very pretty and engaging , and Steerforth seemed to think so too , as we looked after them fading away in the light of a young moon . Suddenly there passed us -- evidently following them -- a young woman whose approach we had not observed , but whose face I saw as she went by , and thought I had a faint remembrance of . She was lightly dressed ; looked bold , and haggard , and flaunting , and poor ; but seemed , for the time , to have given all that to the wind which was blowing , and to have nothing in her mind but going after them . As the dark distant level , absorbing their figures into itself , left but itself visible between us and the sea and clouds , her figure disappeared in like manner , still no nearer to them than before . 'That is a black shadow to be following the girl , ' said Steerforth , standing still ; 'what does it mean ? ' He spoke in a low voice that sounded almost strange to Me . 'She must have it in her mind to beg of them , I think , ' said I . 'A beggar would be no novelty , ' said Steerforth ; 'but it is a strange thing that the beggar should take that shape tonight . ' 'Why ? ' I asked . 'For no better reason , truly , than because I was thinking , ' he said , after a pause , 'of something like it , when it came by . Where the Devil did it come from , I wonder ! ' 'From the shadow of this wall , I think , ' said I , as we emerged upon a road on which a wall abutted . 'It 's gone ! ' he returned , looking over his shoulder . 'And all ill go with it . Now for our dinner ! ' But he looked again over his shoulder towards the sea-line glimmering afar off , and yet again . And he wondered about it , in some broken expressions , several times , in the short remainder of our walk ; and only seemed to forget it when the light of fire and candle shone upon us , seated warm and merry , at table . Littimer was there , and had his usual effect upon me . When I said to him that I hoped Mrs. Steerforth and Miss Dartle were well , he answered respectfully ( and of course respectably ) , that they were tolerably well , he thanked me , and had sent their compliments . This was all , and yet he seemed to me to say as plainly as a man could say : 'You are very young , sir ; you are exceedingly young . ' We had almost finished dinner , when taking a step or two towards the table , from the corner where he kept watch upon us , or rather upon me , as I felt , he said to his master : 'I beg your pardon , sir . Miss Mowcher is down here . ' 'Who ? ' cried Steerforth , much astonished . 'Miss Mowcher , sir . ' 'Why , what on earth does she do here ? ' said Steerforth . 'It appears to be her native part of the country , sir . She informs me that she makes one of her professional visits here , every year , sir . I met her in the street this afternoon , and she wished to know if she might have the honour of waiting on you after dinner , sir . ' 'Do you know the Giantess in question , Daisy ? ' inquired Steerforth . I was obliged to confess -- I felt ashamed , even of being at this disadvantage before Littimer -- that Miss Mowcher and I were wholly unacquainted . 'Then you shall know her , ' said Steerforth , 'for she is one of the seven wonders of the world . When Miss Mowcher comes , show her in . ' I felt some curiosity and excitement about this lady , especially as Steerforth burst into a fit of laughing when I referred to her , and positively refused to answer any question of which I made her the subject . I remained , therefore , in a state of considerable expectation until the cloth had been removed some half an hour , and we were sitting over our decanter of wine before the fire , when the door opened , and Littimer , with his habitual serenity quite undisturbed , announced : 'Miss Mowcher ! ' I looked at the doorway and saw nothing . I was still looking at the doorway , thinking that Miss Mowcher was a long while making her appearance , when , to my infinite astonishment , there came waddling round a sofa which stood between me and it , a pursy dwarf , of about forty or forty-five , with a very large head and face , a pair of roguish grey eyes , and such extremely little arms , that , to enable herself to lay a finger archly against her snub nose , as she ogled Steerforth , she was obliged to meet the finger half-way , and lay her nose against it . Her chin , which was what is called a double chin , was so fat that it entirely swallowed up the strings of her bonnet , bow and all . Throat she had none ; waist she had none ; legs she had none , worth mentioning ; for though she was more than full-sized down to where her waist would have been , if she had had any , and though she terminated , as human beings generally do , in a pair of feet , she was so short that she stood at a common-sized chair as at a table , resting a bag she carried on the seat . This lady -- dressed in an off-hand , easy style ; bringing her nose and her forefinger together , with the difficulty I have described ; standing with her head necessarily on one side , and , with one of her sharp eyes shut up , making an uncommonly knowing face -- after ogling Steerforth for a few moments , broke into a torrent of words . 'What ! My flower ! ' she pleasantly began , shaking her large head at him . 'You 're there , are you ! Oh , you naughty boy , fie for shame , what do you do so far away from home ? Up to mischief , I 'll be bound . Oh , you 're a downy fellow , Steerforth , so you are , and I 'm another , ai n't I ? Ha , ha , ha ! You 'd have betted a hundred pound to five , now , that you wouldn't have seen me here , would n't you ? Bless you , man alive , I 'm everywhere . I 'm here and there , and where not , like the conjurer 's half-crown in the lady 's handkercher . Talking of handkerchers -- and talking of ladies -- what a comfort you are to your blessed mother , ai n't you , my dear boy , over one of my shoulders , and I do n't say which ! ' Miss Mowcher untied her bonnet , at this passage of her discourse , threw back the strings , and sat down , panting , on a footstool in front of the fire -- making a kind of arbour of the dining table , which spread its mahogany shelter above her head . 'Oh my stars and what's-their-names ! ' she went on , clapping a hand on each of her little knees , and glancing shrewdly at me , 'I 'm of too full a habit , that 's the fact , Steerforth . After a flight of stairs , it gives me as much trouble to draw every breath I want , as if it was a bucket of water . If you saw me looking out of an upper window , you 'd think I was a fine woman , would n't you ? ' 'I should think that , wherever I saw you , ' replied Steerforth . 'Go along , you dog , do ! ' cried the little creature , making a whisk at him with the handkerchief with which she was wiping her face , 'and don't be impudent ! But I give you my word and honour I was at Lady Mithers's last week -- THERE 'S a woman ! How SHE wears ! -- and Mithers himself came into the room where I was waiting for her -- THERE 'S a man ! How HE wears ! and his wig too , for he 's had it these ten years -- and he went on at that rate in the complimentary line , that I began to think I should be obliged to ring the bell . Ha ! ha ! ha ! He 's a pleasant wretch , but he wants principle . ' 'What were you doing for Lady Mithers ? ' asked Steerforth . 'That 's tellings , my blessed infant , ' she retorted , tapping her nose again , screwing up her face , and twinkling her eyes like an imp of supernatural intelligence . 'Never YOU mind ! You 'd like to know whether I stop her hair from falling off , or dye it , or touch up her complexion , or improve her eyebrows , would n't you ? And so you shall , my darling -- when I tell you ! Do you know what my great grandfather 's name was ? ' 'No , ' said Steerforth . 'It was Walker , my sweet pet , ' replied Miss Mowcher , 'and he came of a long line of Walkers , that I inherit all the Hookey estates from . ' I never beheld anything approaching to Miss Mowcher 's wink except Miss Mowcher 's self-possession . She had a wonderful way too , when listening to what was said to her , or when waiting for an answer to what she had said herself , of pausing with her head cunningly on one side , and one eye turned up like a magpie 's . Altogether I was lost in amazement , and sat staring at her , quite oblivious , I am afraid , of the laws of politeness . She had by this time drawn the chair to her side , and was busily engaged in producing from the bag ( plunging in her short arm to the shoulder , at every dive ) a number of small bottles , sponges , combs , brushes , bits of flannel , little pairs of curling-irons , and other instruments , which she tumbled in a heap upon the chair . From this employment she suddenly desisted , and said to Steerforth , much to my confusion : 'Who 's your friend ? ' 'Mr . Copperfield , ' said Steerforth ; 'he wants to know you . ' 'Well , then , he shall ! I thought he looked as if he did ! ' returned Miss Mowcher , waddling up to me , bag in hand , and laughing on me as she came . 'Face like a peach ! ' standing on tiptoe to pinch my cheek as I sat . 'Quite tempting ! I 'm very fond of peaches . Happy to make your acquaintance , Mr. Copperfield , I 'm sure . ' I said that I congratulated myself on having the honour to make hers , and that the happiness was mutual . 'Oh , my goodness , how polite we are ! ' exclaimed Miss Mowcher , making a preposterous attempt to cover her large face with her morsel of a hand . 'What a world of gammon and spinnage it is , though , ai n't it ! ' This was addressed confidentially to both of us , as the morsel of a hand came away from the face , and buried itself , arm and all , in the bag again . 'What do you mean , Miss Mowcher ? ' said Steerforth . 'Ha ! ha ! ha ! What a refreshing set of humbugs we are , to be sure , ain't we , my sweet child ? ' replied that morsel of a woman , feeling in the bag with her head on one side and her eye in the air . 'Look here ! ' taking something out . 'Scraps of the Russian Prince 's nails . Prince Alphabet turned topsy-turvy , I call him , for his name 's got all the letters in it , higgledy-piggledy . ' 'The Russian Prince is a client of yours , is he ? ' said Steerforth . 'I believe you , my pet , ' replied Miss Mowcher . 'I keep his nails in order for him . Twice a week ! Fingers and toes . ' 'He pays well , I hope ? ' said Steerforth . 'Pays , as he speaks , my dear child -- through the nose , ' replied Miss Mowcher . 'None of your close shavers the Prince ai n't . You 'd say so , if you saw his moustachios . Red by nature , black by art . ' 'By your art , of course , ' said Steerforth . Miss Mowcher winked assent . 'Forced to send for me . Could n't help it . The climate affected his dye ; it did very well in Russia , but it was no go here . You never saw such a rusty Prince in all your born days as he was . Like old iron ! ' 'Is that why you called him a humbug , just now ? ' inquired Steerforth . 'Oh , you 're a broth of a boy , ai n't you ? ' returned Miss Mowcher , shaking her head violently . 'I said , what a set of humbugs we were in general , and I showed you the scraps of the Prince 's nails to prove it . The Prince 's nails do more for me in private families of the genteel sort , than all my talents put together . I always carry 'em about . They 're the best introduction . If Miss Mowcher cuts the Prince 's nails , she must be all right . I give 'em away to the young ladies . They put 'em in albums , I believe . Ha ! ha ! ha ! Upon my life , `` the whole social system '' ( as the men call it when they make speeches in Parliament ) is a system of Prince 's nails ! ' said this least of women , trying to fold her short arms , and nodding her large head . Steerforth laughed heartily , and I laughed too . Miss Mowcher continuing all the time to shake her head ( which was very much on one side ) , and to look into the air with one eye , and to wink with the other . 'Well , well ! ' she said , smiting her small knees , and rising , 'this is not business . Come , Steerforth , let 's explore the polar regions , and have it over . ' She then selected two or three of the little instruments , and a little bottle , and asked ( to my surprise ) if the table would bear . On Steerforth 's replying in the affirmative , she pushed a chair against it , and begging the assistance of my hand , mounted up , pretty nimbly , to the top , as if it were a stage . 'If either of you saw my ankles , ' she said , when she was safely elevated , 'say so , and I 'll go home and destroy myself ! ' 'I did not , ' said Steerforth . 'I did not , ' said I . 'Well then , ' cried Miss Mowcher , ' I 'll consent to live . Now , ducky , ducky , ducky , come to Mrs . Bond and be killed . ' This was an invocation to Steerforth to place himself under her hands ; who , accordingly , sat himself down , with his back to the table , and his laughing face towards me , and submitted his head to her inspection , evidently for no other purpose than our entertainment . To see Miss Mowcher standing over him , looking at his rich profusion of brown hair through a large round magnifying glass , which she took out of her pocket , was a most amazing spectacle . 'You 're a pretty fellow ! ' said Miss Mowcher , after a brief inspection . 'You 'd be as bald as a friar on the top of your head in twelve months , but for me . Just half a minute , my young friend , and we 'll give you a polishing that shall keep your curls on for the next ten years ! ' With this , she tilted some of the contents of the little bottle on to one of the little bits of flannel , and , again imparting some of the virtues of that preparation to one of the little brushes , began rubbing and scraping away with both on the crown of Steerforth 's head in the busiest manner I ever witnessed , talking all the time . 'There 's Charley Pyegrave , the duke 's son , ' she said . 'You know Charley ? ' peeping round into his face . 'A little , ' said Steerforth . 'What a man HE is ! THERE 'S a whisker ! As to Charley 's legs , if they were only a pair ( which they ai n't ) , they 'd defy competition . Would you believe he tried to do without me -- in the Life-Guards , too ? ' 'Mad ! ' said Steerforth . 'It looks like it . However , mad or sane , he tried , ' returned Miss Mowcher . 'What does he do , but , lo and behold you , he goes into a perfumer 's shop , and wants to buy a bottle of the Madagascar Liquid . ' 'Charley does ? ' said Steerforth . 'Charley does . But they have n't got any of the Madagascar Liquid . ' 'What is it ? Something to drink ? ' asked Steerforth . 'To drink ? ' returned Miss Mowcher , stopping to slap his cheek . 'To doctor his own moustachios with , you know . There was a woman in the shop -- elderly female -- quite a Griffin -- who had never even heard of it by name . `` Begging pardon , sir , '' said the Griffin to Charley , `` it's not -- not -- not ROUGE , is it ? '' `` Rouge , '' said Charley to the Griffin . `` What the unmentionable to ears polite , do you think I want with rouge ? '' `` No offence , sir , '' said the Griffin ; `` we have it asked for by so many names , I thought it might be . '' Now that , my child , ' continued Miss Mowcher , rubbing all the time as busily as ever , 'is another instance of the refreshing humbug I was speaking of . I do something in that way myself -- perhaps a good deal -- perhaps a little -- sharp 's the word , my dear boy -- never mind ! ' 'In what way do you mean ? In the rouge way ? ' said Steerforth . 'Put this and that together , my tender pupil , ' returned the wary Mowcher , touching her nose , 'work it by the rule of Secrets in all trades , and the product will give you the desired result . I say I do a little in that way myself . One Dowager , SHE calls it lip-salve . Another , SHE calls it gloves . Another , SHE calls it tucker-edging . Another , SHE calls it a fan . I call it whatever THEY call it . I supply it for 'em , but we keep up the trick so , to one another , and make believe with such a face , that they 'd as soon think of laying it on , before a whole drawing-room , as before me . And when I wait upon 'em , they 'll say to me sometimes -- WITH IT ON -- thick , and no mistake -- '' How am I looking , Mowcher ? Am I pale ? '' Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Is n't THAT refreshing , my young friend ! ' I never did in my days behold anything like Mowcher as she stood upon the dining table , intensely enjoying this refreshment , rubbing busily at Steerforth 's head , and winking at me over it . 'Ah ! ' she said . 'Such things are not much in demand hereabouts . That sets me off again ! I have n't seen a pretty woman since I 've been here , jemmy . ' 'No ? ' said Steerforth . 'Not the ghost of one , ' replied Miss Mowcher . 'We could show her the substance of one , I think ? ' said Steerforth , addressing his eyes to mine . 'Eh , Daisy ? ' 'Yes , indeed , ' said I . 'Aha ? ' cried the little creature , glancing sharply at my face , and then peeping round at Steerforth 's . 'Umph ? ' The first exclamation sounded like a question put to both of us , and the second like a question put to Steerforth only . She seemed to have found no answer to either , but continued to rub , with her head on one side and her eye turned up , as if she were looking for an answer in the air and were confident of its appearing presently . 'A sister of yours , Mr . Copperfield ? ' she cried , after a pause , and still keeping the same look-out . 'Aye , aye ? ' 'No , ' said Steerforth , before I could reply . 'Nothing of the sort . On the contrary , Mr. Copperfield used -- or I am much mistaken -- to have a great admiration for her . ' 'Why , has n't he now ? ' returned Miss Mowcher . 'Is he fickle ? Oh , for shame ! Did he sip every flower , and change every hour , until Polly his passion requited ? -- Is her name Polly ? ' The Elfin suddenness with which she pounced upon me with this question , and a searching look , quite disconcerted me for a moment . 'No , Miss Mowcher , ' I replied . 'Her name is Emily . ' 'Aha ? ' she cried exactly as before . 'Umph ? What a rattle I am ! Mr. Copperfield , ai n't I volatile ? ' Her tone and look implied something that was not agreeable to me in connexion with the subject . So I said , in a graver manner than any of us had yet assumed : 'She is as virtuous as she is pretty . She is engaged to be married to a most worthy and deserving man in her own station of life . I esteem her for her good sense , as much as I admire her for her good looks . ' 'Well said ! ' cried Steerforth . 'Hear , hear , hear ! Now I 'll quench the curiosity of this little Fatima , my dear Daisy , by leaving her nothing to guess at . She is at present apprenticed , Miss Mowcher , or articled , or whatever it may be , to Omer and Joram , Haberdashers , Milliners , and so forth , in this town . Do you observe ? Omer and Joram . The promise of which my friend has spoken , is made and entered into with her cousin ; Christian name , Ham ; surname , Peggotty ; occupation , boat-builder ; also of this town . She lives with a relative ; Christian name , unknown ; surname , Peggotty ; occupation , seafaring ; also of this town . She is the prettiest and most engaging little fairy in the world . I admire her -- as my friend does -- exceedingly . If it were not that I might appear to disparage her Intended , which I know my friend would not like , I would add , that to me she seems to be throwing herself away ; that I am sure she might do better ; and that I swear she was born to be a lady . ' Miss Mowcher listened to these words , which were very slowly and distinctly spoken , with her head on one side , and her eye in the air as if she were still looking for that answer . When he ceased she became brisk again in an instant , and rattled away with surprising volubility . 'Oh ! And that 's all about it , is it ? ' she exclaimed , trimming his whiskers with a little restless pair of scissors , that went glancing round his head in all directions . 'Very well : very well ! Quite a long story . Ought to end `` and they lived happy ever afterwards '' ; oughtn't it ? Ah ! What 's that game at forfeits ? I love my love with an E , because she 's enticing ; I hate her with an E , because she 's engaged . I took her to the sign of the exquisite , and treated her with an elopement , her name 's Emily , and she lives in the east ? Ha ! ha ! ha ! Mr. Copperfield , ai n't I volatile ? ' Merely looking at me with extravagant slyness , and not waiting for any reply , she continued , without drawing breath : 'There ! If ever any scapegrace was trimmed and touched up to perfection , you are , Steerforth . If I understand any noddle in the world , I understand yours . Do you hear me when I tell you that , my darling ? I understand yours , ' peeping down into his face . 'Now you may mizzle , jemmy ( as we say at Court ) , and if Mr. Copperfield will take the chair I 'll operate on him . ' 'What do you say , Daisy ? ' inquired Steerforth , laughing , and resigning his seat . 'Will you be improved ? ' 'Thank you , Miss Mowcher , not this evening . ' 'Do n't say no , ' returned the little woman , looking at me with the aspect of a connoisseur ; 'a little bit more eyebrow ? ' 'Thank you , ' I returned , 'some other time . ' 'Have it carried half a quarter of an inch towards the temple , ' said Miss Mowcher . 'We can do it in a fortnight . ' 'No , I thank you . Not at present . ' 'Go in for a tip , ' she urged . 'No ? Let 's get the scaffolding up , then , for a pair of whiskers . Come ! ' I could not help blushing as I declined , for I felt we were on my weak point , now . But Miss Mowcher , finding that I was not at present disposed for any decoration within the range of her art , and that I was , for the time being , proof against the blandishments of the small bottle which she held up before one eye to enforce her persuasions , said we would make a beginning on an early day , and requested the aid of my hand to descend from her elevated station . Thus assisted , she skipped down with much agility , and began to tie her double chin into her bonnet . 'The fee , ' said Steerforth , 'is -- ' 'Five bob , ' replied Miss Mowcher , 'and dirt cheap , my chicken . Ai n't I volatile , Mr . Copperfield ? ' I replied politely : 'Not at all . ' But I thought she was rather so , when she tossed up his two half-crowns like a goblin pieman , caught them , dropped them in her pocket , and gave it a loud slap . 'That 's the Till ! ' observed Miss Mowcher , standing at the chair again , and replacing in the bag a miscellaneous collection of little objects she had emptied out of it . 'Have I got all my traps ? It seems so . It wo n't do to be like long Ned Beadwood , when they took him to church `` to marry him to somebody '' , as he says , and left the bride behind . Ha ! ha ! ha ! A wicked rascal , Ned , but droll ! Now , I know I 'm going to break your hearts , but I am forced to leave you . You must call up all your fortitude , and try to bear it . Good-bye , Mr. Copperfield ! Take care of yourself , jockey of Norfolk ! How I have been rattling on ! It 's all the fault of you two wretches . I forgive you ! `` Bob swore ! '' -- as the Englishman said for `` Good night '' , when he first learnt French , and thought it so like English . `` Bob swore , '' my ducks ! ' With the bag slung over her arm , and rattling as she waddled away , she waddled to the door , where she stopped to inquire if she should leave us a lock of her hair . 'Ai n't I volatile ? ' she added , as a commentary on this offer , and , with her finger on her nose , departed . Steerforth laughed to that degree , that it was impossible for me to help laughing too ; though I am not sure I should have done so , but for this inducement . When we had had our laugh quite out , which was after some time , he told me that Miss Mowcher had quite an extensive connexion , and made herself useful to a variety of people in a variety of ways . Some people trifled with her as a mere oddity , he said ; but she was as shrewdly and sharply observant as anyone he knew , and as long-headed as she was short-armed . He told me that what she had said of being here , and there , and everywhere , was true enough ; for she made little darts into the provinces , and seemed to pick up customers everywhere , and to know everybody . I asked him what her disposition was : whether it was at all mischievous , and if her sympathies were generally on the right side of things : but , not succeeding in attracting his attention to these questions after two or three attempts , I forbore or forgot to repeat them . He told me instead , with much rapidity , a good deal about her skill , and her profits ; and about her being a scientific cupper , if I should ever have occasion for her service in that capacity . She was the principal theme of our conversation during the evening : and when we parted for the night Steerforth called after me over the banisters , 'Bob swore ! ' as I went downstairs . I was surprised , when I came to Mr. Barkis 's house , to find Ham walking up and down in front of it , and still more surprised to learn from him that little Em'ly was inside . I naturally inquired why he was not there too , instead of pacing the streets by himself ? 'Why , you see , Mas'r Davy , ' he rejoined , in a hesitating manner , 'Em'ly , she 's talking to some 'un in here . ' 'I should have thought , ' said I , smiling , 'that that was a reason for your being in here too , Ham . ' 'Well , Mas'r Davy , in a general way , so 't would be , ' he returned ; 'but look'ee here , Mas'r Davy , ' lowering his voice , and speaking very gravely . 'It 's a young woman , sir -- a young woman , that Em'ly knowed once , and doe n't ought to know no more . ' When I heard these words , a light began to fall upon the figure I had seen following them , some hours ago . 'It 's a poor wurem , Mas'r Davy , ' said Ham , 'as is trod under foot by all the town . Up street and down street . The mowld o ' the churchyard don't hold any that the folk shrink away from , more . ' 'Did I see her tonight , Ham , on the sand , after we met you ? ' 'Keeping us in sight ? ' said Ham . 'It 's like you did , Mas'r Davy . Not that I know 'd then , she was theer , sir , but along of her creeping soon arterwards under Em'ly 's little winder , when she see the light come , and whispering `` Em'ly , Em'ly , for Christ 's sake , have a woman 's heart towards me . I was once like you ! '' Those was solemn words , Mas'r Davy , fur to hear ! ' 'They were indeed , Ham . What did Em'ly do ? ' 'Says Em'ly , `` Martha , is it you ? Oh , Martha , can it be you ? '' -- for they had sat at work together , many a day , at Mr . Omer 's . ' 'I recollect her now ! ' cried I , recalling one of the two girls I had seen when I first went there . 'I recollect her quite well ! ' 'Martha Endell , ' said Ham . 'Two or three year older than Em'ly , but was at the school with her . ' 'I never heard her name , ' said I . 'I did n't mean to interrupt you . ' 'For the matter o ' that , Mas'r Davy , ' replied Ham , 'all 's told a'most in them words , `` Em'ly , Em'ly , for Christ 's sake , have a woman 's heart towards me . I was once like you ! '' She wanted to speak to Em'ly . Em'ly could n't speak to her theer , for her loving uncle was come home , and he would n't -- no , Mas'r Davy , ' said Ham , with great earnestness , 'he could n't , kind-natur 'd , tender-hearted as he is , see them two together , side by side , for all the treasures that 's wrecked in the sea . ' I felt how true this was . I knew it , on the instant , quite as well as Ham . 'So Em'ly writes in pencil on a bit of paper , ' he pursued , 'and gives it to her out o ' winder to bring here . `` Show that , '' she says , `` to my aunt , Mrs. Barkis , and she 'll set you down by her fire , for the love of me , till uncle is gone out , and I can come . '' By and by she tells me what I tell you , Mas'r Davy , and asks me to bring her . What can I do ? She doe n't ought to know any such , but I ca n't deny her , when the tears is on her face . ' He put his hand into the breast of his shaggy jacket , and took out with great care a pretty little purse . 'And if I could deny her when the tears was on her face , Mas'r Davy , ' said Ham , tenderly adjusting it on the rough palm of his hand , 'how could I deny her when she give me this to carry for her -- knowing what she brought it for ? Such a toy as it is ! ' said Ham , thoughtfully looking on it . 'With such a little money in it , Em'ly my dear . ' I shook him warmly by the hand when he had put it away again -- for that was more satisfactory to me than saying anything -- and we walked up and down , for a minute or two , in silence . The door opened then , and Peggotty appeared , beckoning to Ham to come in . I would have kept away , but she came after me , entreating me to come in too . Even then , I would have avoided the room where they all were , but for its being the neat-tiled kitchen I have mentioned more than once . The door opening immediately into it , I found myself among them before I considered whither I was going . The girl -- the same I had seen upon the sands -- was near the fire . She was sitting on the ground , with her head and one arm lying on a chair . I fancied , from the disposition of her figure , that Em'ly had but newly risen from the chair , and that the forlorn head might perhaps have been lying on her lap . I saw but little of the girl 's face , over which her hair fell loose and scattered , as if she had been disordering it with her own hands ; but I saw that she was young , and of a fair complexion . Peggotty had been crying . So had little Em'ly . Not a word was spoken when we first went in ; and the Dutch clock by the dresser seemed , in the silence , to tick twice as loud as usual . Em'ly spoke first . 'Martha wants , ' she said to Ham , 'to go to London . ' 'Why to London ? ' returned Ham . He stood between them , looking on the prostrate girl with a mixture of compassion for her , and of jealousy of her holding any companionship with her whom he loved so well , which I have always remembered distinctly . They both spoke as if she were ill ; in a soft , suppressed tone that was plainly heard , although it hardly rose above a whisper . 'Better there than here , ' said a third voice aloud -- Martha 's , though she did not move . 'No one knows me there . Everybody knows me here . ' 'What will she do there ? ' inquired Ham . She lifted up her head , and looked darkly round at him for a moment ; then laid it down again , and curved her right arm about her neck , as a woman in a fever , or in an agony of pain from a shot , might twist herself . 'She will try to do well , ' said little Em'ly . 'You do n't know what she has said to us . Does he -- do they -- aunt ? ' Peggotty shook her head compassionately . 'I 'll try , ' said Martha , 'if you 'll help me away . I never can do worse than I have done here . I may do better . Oh ! ' with a dreadful shiver , 'take me out of these streets , where the whole town knows me from a child ! ' As Em'ly held out her hand to Ham , I saw him put in it a little canvas bag . She took it , as if she thought it were her purse , and made a step or two forward ; but finding her mistake , came back to where he had retired near me , and showed it to him . 'It 's all yourn , Em'ly , ' I could hear him say . 'I have n't nowt in all the wureld that ai n't yourn , my dear . It ai n't of no delight to me , except for you ! ' The tears rose freshly in her eyes , but she turned away and went to Martha . What she gave her , I do n't know . I saw her stooping over her , and putting money in her bosom . She whispered something , as she asked was that enough ? 'More than enough , ' the other said , and took her hand and kissed it . Then Martha arose , and gathering her shawl about her , covering her face with it , and weeping aloud , went slowly to the door . She stopped a moment before going out , as if she would have uttered something or turned back ; but no word passed her lips . Making the same low , dreary , wretched moaning in her shawl , she went away . As the door closed , little Em'ly looked at us three in a hurried manner and then hid her face in her hands , and fell to sobbing . 'Doe n't , Em'ly ! ' said Ham , tapping her gently on the shoulder . 'Doe n't , my dear ! You doe n't ought to cry so , pretty ! ' 'Oh , Ham ! ' she exclaimed , still weeping pitifully , 'I am not so good a girl as I ought to be ! I know I have not the thankful heart , sometimes , I ought to have ! ' 'Yes , yes , you have , I 'm sure , ' said Ham . 'No ! no ! no ! ' cried little Em'ly , sobbing , and shaking her head . 'I am not as good a girl as I ought to be . Not near ! not near ! ' And still she cried , as if her heart would break . 'I try your love too much . I know I do ! ' she sobbed . 'I 'm often cross to you , and changeable with you , when I ought to be far different . You are never so to me . Why am I ever so to you , when I should think of nothing but how to be grateful , and to make you happy ! ' 'You always make me so , ' said Ham , 'my dear ! I am happy in the sight of you . I am happy , all day long , in the thoughts of you . ' 'Ah ! that 's not enough ! ' she cried . 'That is because you are good ; not because I am ! Oh , my dear , it might have been a better fortune for you , if you had been fond of someone else -- of someone steadier and much worthier than me , who was all bound up in you , and never vain and changeable like me ! ' 'Poor little tender-heart , ' said Ham , in a low voice . 'Martha has overset her , altogether . ' 'Please , aunt , ' sobbed Em'ly , 'come here , and let me lay my head upon you . Oh , I am very miserable tonight , aunt ! Oh , I am not as good a girl as I ought to be . I am not , I know ! ' Peggotty had hastened to the chair before the fire . Em'ly , with her arms around her neck , kneeled by her , looking up most earnestly into her face . 'Oh , pray , aunt , try to help me ! Ham , dear , try to help me ! Mr. David , for the sake of old times , do , please , try to help me ! I want to be a better girl than I am . I want to feel a hundred times more thankful than I do . I want to feel more , what a blessed thing it is to be the wife of a good man , and to lead a peaceful life . Oh me , oh me ! Oh my heart , my heart ! ' She dropped her face on my old nurse 's breast , and , ceasing this supplication , which in its agony and grief was half a woman 's , half a child 's , as all her manner was ( being , in that , more natural , and better suited to her beauty , as I thought , than any other manner could have been ) , wept silently , while my old nurse hushed her like an infant . She got calmer by degrees , and then we soothed her ; now talking encouragingly , and now jesting a little with her , until she began to raise her head and speak to us . So we got on , until she was able to smile , and then to laugh , and then to sit up , half ashamed ; while Peggotty recalled her stray ringlets , dried her eyes , and made her neat again , lest her uncle should wonder , when she got home , why his darling had been crying . I saw her do , that night , what I had never seen her do before . I saw her innocently kiss her chosen husband on the cheek , and creep close to his bluff form as if it were her best support . When they went away together , in the waning moonlight , and I looked after them , comparing their departure in my mind with Martha 's , I saw that she held his arm with both her hands , and still kept close to him . CHAPTER 23 . I CORROBORATE Mr. DICK , AND CHOOSE A PROFESSION When I awoke in the morning I thought very much of little Em'ly , and her emotion last night , after Martha had left . I felt as if I had come into the knowledge of those domestic weaknesses and tendernesses in a sacred confidence , and that to disclose them , even to Steerforth , would be wrong . I had no gentler feeling towards anyone than towards the pretty creature who had been my playmate , and whom I have always been persuaded , and shall always be persuaded , to my dying day , I then devotedly loved . The repetition to any ears -- even to Steerforth 's -- of what she had been unable to repress when her heart lay open to me by an accident , I felt would be a rough deed , unworthy of myself , unworthy of the light of our pure childhood , which I always saw encircling her head . I made a resolution , therefore , to keep it in my own breast ; and there it gave her image a new grace . While we were at breakfast , a letter was delivered to me from my aunt . As it contained matter on which I thought Steerforth could advise me as well as anyone , and on which I knew I should be delighted to consult him , I resolved to make it a subject of discussion on our journey home . For the present we had enough to do , in taking leave of all our friends . Mr. Barkis was far from being the last among them , in his regret at our departure ; and I believe would even have opened the box again , and sacrificed another guinea , if it would have kept us eight-and-forty hours in Yarmouth . Peggotty and all her family were full of grief at our going . The whole house of Omer and Joram turned out to bid us good-bye ; and there were so many seafaring volunteers in attendance on Steerforth , when our portmanteaux went to the coach , that if we had had the baggage of a regiment with us , we should hardly have wanted porters to carry it . In a word , we departed to the regret and admiration of all concerned , and left a great many people very sorry behind US . Do you stay long here , Littimer ? ' said I , as he stood waiting to see the coach start . 'No , sir , ' he replied ; 'probably not very long , sir . ' 'He can hardly say , just now , ' observed Steerforth , carelessly . 'He knows what he has to do , and he 'll do it . ' 'That I am sure he will , ' said I. Littimer touched his hat in acknowledgement of my good opinion , and I felt about eight years old . He touched it once more , wishing us a good journey ; and we left him standing on the pavement , as respectable a mystery as any pyramid in Egypt . For some little time we held no conversation , Steerforth being unusually silent , and I being sufficiently engaged in wondering , within myself , when I should see the old places again , and what new changes might happen to me or them in the meanwhile . At length Steerforth , becoming gay and talkative in a moment , as he could become anything he liked at any moment , pulled me by the arm : 'Find a voice , David . What about that letter you were speaking of at breakfast ? ' 'Oh ! ' said I , taking it out of my pocket . 'It 's from my aunt . ' 'And what does she say , requiring consideration ? ' 'Why , she reminds me , Steerforth , ' said I , 'that I came out on this expedition to look about me , and to think a little . ' 'Which , of course , you have done ? ' 'Indeed I ca n't say I have , particularly . To tell you the truth , I am afraid I have forgotten it . ' 'Well ! look about you now , and make up for your negligence , ' said Steerforth . 'Look to the right , and you 'll see a flat country , with a good deal of marsh in it ; look to the left , and you 'll see the same . Look to the front , and you 'll find no difference ; look to the rear , and there it is still . ' I laughed , and replied that I saw no suitable profession in the whole prospect ; which was perhaps to be attributed to its flatness . 'What says our aunt on the subject ? ' inquired Steerforth , glancing at the letter in my hand . 'Does she suggest anything ? ' 'Why , yes , ' said I . 'She asks me , here , if I think I should like to be a proctor ? What do you think of it ? ' 'Well , I do n't know , ' replied Steerforth , coolly . 'You may as well do that as anything else , I suppose ? ' I could not help laughing again , at his balancing all callings and professions so equally ; and I told him so . 'What is a proctor , Steerforth ? ' said I . 'Why , he is a sort of monkish attorney , ' replied Steerforth . 'He is , to some faded courts held in Doctors ' Commons , -- a lazy old nook near St. Paul 's Churchyard -- what solicitors are to the courts of law and equity . He is a functionary whose existence , in the natural course of things , would have terminated about two hundred years ago . I can tell you best what he is , by telling you what Doctors ' Commons is . It 's a little out-of-the-way place , where they administer what is called ecclesiastical law , and play all kinds of tricks with obsolete old monsters of acts of Parliament , which three-fourths of the world know nothing about , and the other fourth supposes to have been dug up , in a fossil state , in the days of the Edwards . It 's a place that has an ancient monopoly in suits about people 's wills and people 's marriages , and disputes among ships and boats . ' 'Nonsense , Steerforth ! ' I exclaimed . 'You do n't mean to say that there is any affinity between nautical matters and ecclesiastical matters ? ' 'I do n't , indeed , my dear boy , ' he returned ; 'but I mean to say that they are managed and decided by the same set of people , down in that same Doctors ' Commons . You shall go there one day , and find them blundering through half the nautical terms in Young 's Dictionary , apropos of the `` Nancy '' having run down the `` Sarah Jane '' , or Mr. Peggotty and the Yarmouth boatmen having put off in a gale of wind with an anchor and cable to the `` Nelson '' Indiaman in distress ; and you shall go there another day , and find them deep in the evidence , pro and con , respecting a clergyman who has misbehaved himself ; and you shall find the judge in the nautical case , the advocate in the clergyman 's case , or contrariwise . They are like actors : now a man 's a judge , and now he is not a judge ; now he 's one thing , now he 's another ; now he 's something else , change and change about ; but it 's always a very pleasant , profitable little affair of private theatricals , presented to an uncommonly select audience . ' 'But advocates and proctors are not one and the same ? ' said I , a little puzzled . 'Are they ? ' 'No , ' returned Steerforth , 'the advocates are civilians -- men who have taken a doctor 's degree at college -- which is the first reason of my knowing anything about it . The proctors employ the advocates . Both get very comfortable fees , and altogether they make a mighty snug little party . On the whole , I would recommend you to take to Doctors ' Commons kindly , David . They plume them-selves on their gentility there , I can tell you , if that 's any satisfaction . ' I made allowance for Steerforth 's light way of treating the subject , and , considering it with reference to the staid air of gravity and antiquity which I associated with that 'lazy old nook near St. Paul's Churchyard ' , did not feel indisposed towards my aunt 's suggestion ; which she left to my free decision , making no scruple of telling me that it had occurred to her , on her lately visiting her own proctor in Doctors' Commons for the purpose of settling her will in my favour . 'That 's a laudable proceeding on the part of our aunt , at all events , ' said Steerforth , when I mentioned it ; 'and one deserving of all encouragement . Daisy , my advice is that you take kindly to Doctors' Commons . ' I quite made up my mind to do so . I then told Steerforth that my aunt was in town awaiting me ( as I found from her letter ) , and that she had taken lodgings for a week at a kind of private hotel at Lincoln 's Inn Fields , where there was a stone staircase , and a convenient door in the roof ; my aunt being firmly persuaded that every house in London was going to be burnt down every night . We achieved the rest of our journey pleasantly , sometimes recurring to Doctors ' Commons , and anticipating the distant days when I should be a proctor there , which Steerforth pictured in a variety of humorous and whimsical lights , that made us both merry . When we came to our journey's end , he went home , engaging to call upon me next day but one ; and I drove to Lincoln 's Inn Fields , where I found my aunt up , and waiting supper . If I had been round the world since we parted , we could hardly have been better pleased to meet again . My aunt cried outright as she embraced me ; and said , pretending to laugh , that if my poor mother had been alive , that silly little creature would have shed tears , she had no doubt . 'So you have left Mr. Dick behind , aunt ? ' said I . 'I am sorry for that . Ah , Janet , how do you do ? ' As Janet curtsied , hoping I was well , I observed my aunt 's visage lengthen very much . 'I am sorry for it , too , ' said my aunt , rubbing her nose . 'I have had no peace of mind , Trot , since I have been here . ' Before I could ask why , she told me . 'I am convinced , ' said my aunt , laying her hand with melancholy firmness on the table , 'that Dick 's character is not a character to keep the donkeys off . I am confident he wants strength of purpose . I ought to have left Janet at home , instead , and then my mind might perhaps have been at ease . If ever there was a donkey trespassing on my green , ' said my aunt , with emphasis , 'there was one this afternoon at four o'clock . A cold feeling came over me from head to foot , and I know it was a donkey ! ' I tried to comfort her on this point , but she rejected consolation . 'It was a donkey , ' said my aunt ; 'and it was the one with the stumpy tail which that Murdering sister of a woman rode , when she came to my house . ' This had been , ever since , the only name my aunt knew for Miss Murdstone . 'If there is any Donkey in Dover , whose audacity it is harder to me to bear than another 's , that , ' said my aunt , striking the table , 'is the animal ! ' Janet ventured to suggest that my aunt might be disturbing herself unnecessarily , and that she believed the donkey in question was then engaged in the sand-and-gravel line of business , and was not available for purposes of trespass . But my aunt would n't hear of it . Supper was comfortably served and hot , though my aunt 's rooms were very high up -- whether that she might have more stone stairs for her money , or might be nearer to the door in the roof , I do n't know -- and consisted of a roast fowl , a steak , and some vegetables , to all of which I did ample justice , and which were all excellent . But my aunt had her own ideas concerning London provision , and ate but little . 'I suppose this unfortunate fowl was born and brought up in a cellar , ' said my aunt , 'and never took the air except on a hackney coach-stand . I hope the steak may be beef , but I do n't believe it . Nothing 's genuine in the place , in my opinion , but the dirt . ' 'Do n't you think the fowl may have come out of the country , aunt ? ' I hinted . 'Certainly not , ' returned my aunt . 'It would be no pleasure to a London tradesman to sell anything which was what he pretended it was . ' I did not venture to controvert this opinion , but I made a good supper , which it greatly satisfied her to see me do . When the table was cleared , Janet assisted her to arrange her hair , to put on her nightcap , which was of a smarter construction than usual ( 'in case of fire ' , my aunt said ) , and to fold her gown back over her knees , these being her usual preparations for warming herself before going to bed . I then made her , according to certain established regulations from which no deviation , however slight , could ever be permitted , a glass of hot wine and water , and a slice of toast cut into long thin strips . With these accompaniments we were left alone to finish the evening , my aunt sitting opposite to me drinking her wine and water ; soaking her strips of toast in it , one by one , before eating them ; and looking benignantly on me , from among the borders of her nightcap . 'Well , Trot , ' she began , 'what do you think of the proctor plan ? Or have you not begun to think about it yet ? ' 'I have thought a good deal about it , my dear aunt , and I have talked a good deal about it with Steerforth . I like it very much indeed . I like it exceedingly . ' 'Come ! ' said my aunt . 'That 's cheering ! ' 'I have only one difficulty , aunt . ' 'Say what it is , Trot , ' she returned . 'Why , I want to ask , aunt , as this seems , from what I understand , to be a limited profession , whether my entrance into it would not be very expensive ? ' 'It will cost , ' returned my aunt , 'to article you , just a thousand pounds . ' 'Now , my dear aunt , ' said I , drawing my chair nearer , 'I am uneasy in my mind about that . It 's a large sum of money . You have expended a great deal on my education , and have always been as liberal to me in all things as it was possible to be . You have been the soul of generosity . Surely there are some ways in which I might begin life with hardly any outlay , and yet begin with a good hope of getting on by resolution and exertion . Are you sure that it would not be better to try that course ? Are you certain that you can afford to part with so much money , and that it is right that it should be so expended ? I only ask you , my second mother , to consider . Are you certain ? ' My aunt finished eating the piece of toast on which she was then engaged , looking me full in the face all the while ; and then setting her glass on the chimney-piece , and folding her hands upon her folded skirts , replied as follows : 'Trot , my child , if I have any object in life , it is to provide for your being a good , a sensible , and a happy man . I am bent upon it -- so is Dick . I should like some people that I know to hear Dick 's conversation on the subject . Its sagacity is wonderful . But no one knows the resources of that man 's intellect , except myself ! ' She stopped for a moment to take my hand between hers , and went on : 'It 's in vain , Trot , to recall the past , unless it works some influence upon the present . Perhaps I might have been better friends with your poor father . Perhaps I might have been better friends with that poor child your mother , even after your sister Betsey Trotwood disappointed me . When you came to me , a little runaway boy , all dusty and way-worn , perhaps I thought so . From that time until now , Trot , you have ever been a credit to me and a pride and a pleasure . I have no other claim upon my means ; at least ' -- here to my surprise she hesitated , and was confused -- 'no , I have no other claim upon my means -- and you are my adopted child . Only be a loving child to me in my age , and bear with my whims and fancies ; and you will do more for an old woman whose prime of life was not so happy or conciliating as it might have been , than ever that old woman did for you . ' It was the first time I had heard my aunt refer to her past history . There was a magnanimity in her quiet way of doing so , and of dismissing it , which would have exalted her in my respect and affection , if anything could . 'All is agreed and understood between us , now , Trot , ' said my aunt , 'and we need talk of this no more . Give me a kiss , and we 'll go to the Commons after breakfast tomorrow . ' We had a long chat by the fire before we went to bed . I slept in a room on the same floor with my aunt 's , and was a little disturbed in the course of the night by her knocking at my door as often as she was agitated by a distant sound of hackney-coaches or market-carts , and inquiring , 'if I heard the engines ? ' But towards morning she slept better , and suffered me to do so too . At about mid-day , we set out for the office of Messrs Spenlow and Jorkins , in Doctors ' Commons . My aunt , who had this other general opinion in reference to London , that every man she saw was a pickpocket , gave me her purse to carry for her , which had ten guineas in it and some silver . We made a pause at the toy shop in Fleet Street , to see the giants of Saint Dunstan 's strike upon the bells -- we had timed our going , so as to catch them at it , at twelve o'clock -- and then went on towards Ludgate Hill , and St. Paul 's Churchyard . We were crossing to the former place , when I found that my aunt greatly accelerated her speed , and looked frightened . I observed , at the same time , that a lowering ill-dressed man who had stopped and stared at us in passing , a little before , was coming so close after us as to brush against her . 'Trot ! My dear Trot ! ' cried my aunt , in a terrified whisper , and pressing my arm . 'I do n't know what I am to do . ' 'Do n't be alarmed , ' said I . 'There 's nothing to be afraid of . Step into a shop , and I 'll soon get rid of this fellow . ' 'No , no , child ! ' she returned . 'Do n't speak to him for the world . I entreat , I order you ! ' 'Good Heaven , aunt ! ' said I . 'He is nothing but a sturdy beggar . ' 'You do n't know what he is ! ' replied my aunt . 'You do n't know who he is ! You do n't know what you say ! ' We had stopped in an empty door-way , while this was passing , and he had stopped too . 'Do n't look at him ! ' said my aunt , as I turned my head indignantly , 'but get me a coach , my dear , and wait for me in St. Paul 's Churchyard . ' 'Wait for you ? ' I replied . 'Yes , ' rejoined my aunt . 'I must go alone . I must go with him . ' 'With him , aunt ? This man ? ' 'I am in my senses , ' she replied , 'and I tell you I must . Get mea coach ! ' However much astonished I might be , I was sensible that I had no right to refuse compliance with such a peremptory command . I hurried away a few paces , and called a hackney-chariot which was passing empty . Almost before I could let down the steps , my aunt sprang in , I do n't know how , and the man followed . She waved her hand to me to go away , so earnestly , that , all confounded as I was , I turned from them at once . In doing so , I heard her say to the coachman , 'Drive anywhere ! Drive straight on ! ' and presently the chariot passed me , going up the hill . What Mr. Dick had told me , and what I had supposed to be a delusion of his , now came into my mind . I could not doubt that this person was the person of whom he had made such mysterious mention , though what the nature of his hold upon my aunt could possibly be , I was quite unable to imagine . After half an hour 's cooling in the churchyard , I saw the chariot coming back . The driver stopped beside me , and my aunt was sitting in it alone . She had not yet sufficiently recovered from her agitation to be quite prepared for the visit we had to make . She desired me to get into the chariot , and to tell the coachman to drive slowly up and down a little while . She said no more , except , 'My dear child , never ask me what it was , and do n't refer to it , ' until she had perfectly regained her composure , when she told me she was quite herself now , and we might get out . On her giving me her purse to pay the driver , I found that all the guineas were gone , and only the loose silver remained . Doctors ' Commons was approached by a little low archway . Before we had taken many paces down the street beyond it , the noise of the city seemed to melt , as if by magic , into a softened distance . A few dull courts and narrow ways brought us to the sky-lighted offices of Spenlow and Jorkins ; in the vestibule of which temple , accessible to pilgrims without the ceremony of knocking , three or four clerks were at work as copyists . One of these , a little dry man , sitting by himself , who wore a stiff brown wig that looked as if it were made of gingerbread , rose to receive my aunt , and show us into Mr. Spenlow 's room . 'Mr . Spenlow 's in Court , ma'am , ' said the dry man ; 'it 's an Arches day ; but it 's close by , and I 'll send for him directly . ' As we were left to look about us while Mr. Spenlow was fetched , I availed myself of the opportunity . The furniture of the room was old-fashioned and dusty ; and the green baize on the top of the writing-table had lost all its colour , and was as withered and pale as an old pauper . There were a great many bundles of papers on it , some endorsed as Allegations , and some ( to my surprise ) as Libels , and some as being in the Consistory Court , and some in the Arches Court , and some in the Prerogative Court , and some in the Admiralty Court , and some in the Delegates ' Court ; giving me occasion to wonder much , how many Courts there might be in the gross , and how long it would take to understand them all . Besides these , there were sundry immense manuscript Books of Evidence taken on affidavit , strongly bound , and tied together in massive sets , a set to each cause , as if every cause were a history in ten or twenty volumes . All this looked tolerably expensive , I thought , and gave me an agreeable notion of a proctor 's business . I was casting my eyes with increasing complacency over these and many similar objects , when hasty footsteps were heard in the room outside , and Mr. Spenlow , in a black gown trimmed with white fur , came hurrying in , taking off his hat as he came . He was a little light-haired gentleman , with undeniable boots , and the stiffest of white cravats and shirt-collars . He was buttoned up , mighty trim and tight , and must have taken a great deal of pains with his whiskers , which were accurately curled . His gold watch-chain was so massive , that a fancy came across me , that he ought to have a sinewy golden arm , to draw it out with , like those which are put up over the goldbeaters ' shops . He was got up with such care , and was so stiff , that he could hardly bend himself ; being obliged , when he glanced at some papers on his desk , after sitting down in his chair , to move his whole body , from the bottom of his spine , like Punch . I had previously been presented by my aunt , and had been courteously received . He now said : 'And so , Mr. Copperfield , you think of entering into our profession ? I casually mentioned to Miss Trotwood , when I had the pleasure of an interview with her the other day , ' -- with another inclination of his body -- Punch again -- 'that there was a vacancy here . Miss Trotwood was good enough to mention that she had a nephew who was her peculiar care , and for whom she was seeking to provide genteelly in life . That nephew , I believe , I have now the pleasure of ' -- Punch again . I bowed my acknowledgements , and said , my aunt had mentioned to me that there was that opening , and that I believed I should like it very much . That I was strongly inclined to like it , and had taken immediately to the proposal . That I could not absolutely pledge myself to like it , until I knew something more about it . That although it was little else than a matter of form , I presumed I should have an opportunity of trying how I liked it , before I bound myself to it irrevocably . 'Oh surely ! surely ! ' said Mr. Spenlow . 'We always , in this house , propose a month -- an initiatory month . I should be happy , myself , to propose two months -- three -- an indefinite period , in fact -- but I have a partner . Mr . Jorkins . ' 'And the premium , sir , ' I returned , 'is a thousand pounds ? ' 'And the premium , Stamp included , is a thousand pounds , ' said Mr. Spenlow . 'As I have mentioned to Miss Trotwood , I am actuated by no mercenary considerations ; few men are less so , I believe ; but Mr. Jorkins has his opinions on these subjects , and I am bound to respect Mr. Jorkins 's opinions . Mr. Jorkins thinks a thousand pounds too little , in short . ' 'I suppose , sir , ' said I , still desiring to spare my aunt , 'that it is not the custom here , if an articled clerk were particularly useful , and made himself a perfect master of his profession ' -- I could not help blushing , this looked so like praising myself -- 'I suppose it is not the custom , in the later years of his time , to allow him any -- ' Mr. Spenlow , by a great effort , just lifted his head far enough out of his cravat to shake it , and answered , anticipating the word 'salary ' : 'No . I will not say what consideration I might give to that point myself , Mr. Copperfield , if I were unfettered . Mr. Jorkins is immovable . ' I was quite dismayed by the idea of this terrible Jorkins . But I found out afterwards that he was a mild man of a heavy temperament , whose place in the business was to keep himself in the background , and be constantly exhibited by name as the most obdurate and ruthless of men . If a clerk wanted his salary raised , Mr. Jorkins would n't listen to such a proposition . If a client were slow to settle his bill of costs , Mr. Jorkins was resolved to have it paid ; and however painful these things might be ( and always were ) to the feelings of Mr. Spenlow , Mr. Jorkins would have his bond . The heart and hand of the good angel Spenlow would have been always open , but for the restraining demon Jorkins . As I have grown older , I think I have had experience of some other houses doing business on the principle of Spenlow and Jorkins ! It was settled that I should begin my month 's probation as soon as I pleased , and that my aunt need neither remain in town nor return at its expiration , as the articles of agreement , of which I was to be the subject , could easily be sent to her at home for her signature . When we had got so far , Mr. Spenlow offered to take me into Court then and there , and show me what sort of place it was . As I was willing enough to know , we went out with this object , leaving my aunt behind ; who would trust herself , she said , in no such place , and who , I think , regarded all Courts of Law as a sort of powder-mills that might blow up at any time . Mr. Spenlow conducted me through a paved courtyard formed of grave brick houses , which I inferred , from the Doctors ' names upon the doors , to be the official abiding-places of the learned advocates of whom Steerforth had told me ; and into a large dull room , not unlike a chapel to my thinking , on the left hand . The upper part of this room was fenced off from the rest ; and there , on the two sides of a raised platform of the horse-shoe form , sitting on easy old-fashioned dining-room chairs , were sundry gentlemen in red gowns and grey wigs , whom I found to be the Doctors aforesaid . Blinking over a little desk like a pulpit-desk , in the curve of the horse-shoe , was an old gentleman , whom , if I had seen him in an aviary , I should certainly have taken for an owl , but who , I learned , was the presiding judge . In the space within the horse-shoe , lower than these , that is to say , on about the level of the floor , were sundry other gentlemen , of Mr. Spenlow 's rank , and dressed like him in black gowns with white fur upon them , sitting at a long green table . Their cravats were in general stiff , I thought , and their looks haughty ; but in this last respect I presently conceived I had done them an injustice , for when two or three of them had to rise and answer a question of the presiding dignitary , I never saw anything more sheepish . The public , represented by a boy with a comforter , and a shabby-genteel man secretly eating crumbs out of his coat pockets , was warming itself at a stove in the centre of the Court . The languid stillness of the place was only broken by the chirping of this fire and by the voice of one of the Doctors , who was wandering slowly through a perfect library of evidence , and stopping to put up , from time to time , at little roadside inns of argument on the journey . Altogether , I have never , on any occasion , made one at such a cosey , dosey , old-fashioned , time-forgotten , sleepy-headed little family-party in all my life ; and I felt it would be quite a soothing opiate to belong to it in any character -- except perhaps as a suitor . Very well satisfied with the dreamy nature of this retreat , I informed Mr. Spenlow that I had seen enough for that time , and we rejoined my aunt ; in company with whom I presently departed from the Commons , feeling very young when I went out of Spenlow and Jorkins 's , on account of the clerks poking one another with their pens to point me out . We arrived at Lincoln 's Inn Fields without any new adventures , except encountering an unlucky donkey in a costermonger 's cart , who suggested painful associations to my aunt . We had another long talk about my plans , when we were safely housed ; and as I knew she was anxious to get home , and , between fire , food , and pickpockets , could never be considered at her ease for half-an-hour in London , I urged her not to be uncomfortable on my account , but to leave me to take care of myself . 'I have not been here a week tomorrow , without considering that too , my dear , ' she returned . 'There is a furnished little set of chambers to be let in the Adelphi , Trot , which ought to suit you to a marvel . ' With this brief introduction , she produced from her pocket an advertisement , carefully cut out of a newspaper , setting forth that in Buckingham Street in the Adelphi there was to be let furnished , with a view of the river , a singularly desirable , and compact set of chambers , forming a genteel residence for a young gentleman , a member of one of the Inns of Court , or otherwise , with immediate possession . Terms moderate , and could be taken for a month only , if required . 'Why , this is the very thing , aunt ! ' said I , flushed with the possible dignity of living in chambers . 'Then come , ' replied my aunt , immediately resuming the bonnet she had a minute before laid aside . 'We 'll go and look at 'em . ' Away we went . The advertisement directed us to apply to Mrs. Crupp on the premises , and we rung the area bell , which we supposed to communicate with Mrs. Crupp . It was not until we had rung three or four times that we could prevail on Mrs. Crupp to communicate with us , but at last she appeared , being a stout lady with a flounce of flannel petticoat below a nankeen gown . 'Let us see these chambers of yours , if you please , ma'am , ' said my aunt . 'For this gentleman ? ' said Mrs. Crupp , feeling in her pocket for her keys . 'Yes , for my nephew , ' said my aunt . 'And a sweet set they is for sich ! ' said Mrs. Crupp . So we went upstairs . They were on the top of the house -- a great point with my aunt , being near the fire-escape -- and consisted of a little half-blind entry where you could see hardly anything , a little stone-blind pantry where you could see nothing at all , a sitting-room , and a bedroom . The furniture was rather faded , but quite good enough for me ; and , sure enough , the river was outside the windows . As I was delighted with the place , my aunt and Mrs. Crupp withdrew into the pantry to discuss the terms , while I remained on the sitting-room sofa , hardly daring to think it possible that I could be destined to live in such a noble residence . After a single combat of some duration they returned , and I saw , to my joy , both in Mrs. Crupp 's countenance and in my aunt 's , that the deed was done . 'Is it the last occupant 's furniture ? ' inquired my aunt . 'Yes , it is , ma'am , ' said Mrs. Crupp . 'What 's become of him ? ' asked my aunt . Mrs. Crupp was taken with a troublesome cough , in the midst of which she articulated with much difficulty . 'He was took ill here , ma'am , and -- ugh ! ugh ! ugh ! dear me ! -- and he died ! ' 'Hey ! What did he die of ? ' asked my aunt . 'Well , ma'am , he died of drink , ' said Mrs. Crupp , in confidence . 'And smoke . ' 'Smoke ? You do n't mean chimneys ? ' said my aunt . 'No , ma'am , ' returned Mrs. Crupp . 'Cigars and pipes . ' 'That 's not catching , Trot , at any rate , ' remarked my aunt , turning to me . 'No , indeed , ' said I . In short , my aunt , seeing how enraptured I was with the premises , took them for a month , with leave to remain for twelve months when that time was out . Mrs. Crupp was to find linen , and to cook ; every other necessary was already provided ; and Mrs. Crupp expressly intimated that she should always yearn towards me as a son . I was to take possession the day after tomorrow , and Mrs. Crupp said , thank Heaven she had now found summun she could care for ! On our way back , my aunt informed me how she confidently trusted that the life I was now to lead would make me firm and self-reliant , which was all I wanted . She repeated this several times next day , in the intervals of our arranging for the transmission of my clothes and books from Mr. Wickfield 's ; relative to which , and to all my late holiday , I wrote a long letter to Agnes , of which my aunt took charge , as she was to leave on the succeeding day . Not to lengthen these particulars , I need only add , that she made a handsome provision for all my possible wants during my month of trial ; that Steerforth , to my great disappointment and hers too , did not make his appearance before she went away ; that I saw her safely seated in the Dover coach , exulting in the coming discomfiture of the vagrant donkeys , with Janet at her side ; and that when the coach was gone , I turned my face to the Adelphi , pondering on the old days when I used to roam about its subterranean arches , and on the happy changes which had brought me to the surface . CHAPTER 24 . MY FIRST DISSIPATION It was a wonderfully fine thing to have that lofty castle to myself , and to feel , when I shut my outer door , like Robinson Crusoe , when he had got into his fortification , and pulled his ladder up after him . It was a wonderfully fine thing to walk about town with the key of my house in my pocket , and to know that I could ask any fellow to come home , and make quite sure of its being inconvenient to nobody , if it were not so to me . It was a wonderfully fine thing to let myself in and out , and to come and go without a word to anyone , and to ring Mrs. Crupp up , gasping , from the depths of the earth , when I wanted her -- and when she was disposed to come . All this , I say , was wonderfully fine ; but I must say , too , that there were times when it was very dreary . It was fine in the morning , particularly in the fine mornings . It looked a very fresh , free life , by daylight : still fresher , and more free , by sunlight . But as the day declined , the life seemed to go down too . I do n't know how it was ; it seldom looked well by candle-light . I wanted somebody to talk to , then . I missed Agnes . I found a tremendous blank , in the place of that smiling repository of my confidence . Mrs. Crupp appeared to be a long way off . I thought about my predecessor , who had died of drink and smoke ; and I could have wished he had been so good as to live , and not bother me with his decease . After two days and nights , I felt as if I had lived there for a year , and yet I was not an hour older , but was quite as much tormented by my own youthfulness as ever . Steerforth not yet appearing , which induced me to apprehend that he must be ill , I left the Commons early on the third day , and walked out to Highgate . Mrs. Steerforth was very glad to see me , and said that he had gone away with one of his Oxford friends to see another who lived near St. Albans , but that she expected him to return tomorrow . I was so fond of him , that I felt quite jealous of his Oxford friends . As she pressed me to stay to dinner , I remained , and I believe we talked about nothing but him all day . I told her how much the people liked him at Yarmouth , and what a delightful companion he had been . Miss Dartle was full of hints and mysterious questions , but took a great interest in all our proceedings there , and said , 'Was it really though ? ' and so forth , so often , that she got everything out of me she wanted to know . Her appearance was exactly what I have described it , when I first saw her ; but the society of the two ladies was so agreeable , and came so natural to me , that I felt myself falling a little in love with her . I could not help thinking , several times in the course of the evening , and particularly when I walked home at night , what delightful company she would be in Buckingham Street . I was taking my coffee and roll in the morning , before going to the Commons -- and I may observe in this place that it is surprising how much coffee Mrs. Crupp used , and how weak it was , considering -- when Steerforth himself walked in , to my unbounded joy . 'My dear Steerforth , ' cried I , 'I began to think I should never see you again ! ' 'I was carried off , by force of arms , ' said Steerforth , 'the very next morning after I got home . Why , Daisy , what a rare old bachelor you are here ! ' I showed him over the establishment , not omitting the pantry , with no little pride , and he commended it highly . 'I tell you what , old boy , ' he added , 'I shall make quite a town-house of this place , unless you give me notice to quit . ' This was a delightful hearing . I told him if he waited for that , he would have to wait till doomsday . 'But you shall have some breakfast ! ' said I , with my hand on the bell-rope , 'and Mrs. Crupp shall make you some fresh coffee , and I'll toast you some bacon in a bachelor 's Dutch-oven , that I have got here . ' 'No , no ! ' said Steerforth . 'Do n't ring ! I ca n't ! I am going to breakfast with one of these fellows who is at the Piazza Hotel , in Covent Garden . ' 'But you 'll come back to dinner ? ' said I . 'I ca n't , upon my life . There 's nothing I should like better , but I must remain with these two fellows . We are all three off together tomorrow morning . ' 'Then bring them here to dinner , ' I returned . 'Do you think they would come ? ' 'Oh ! they would come fast enough , ' said Steerforth ; 'but we should inconvenience you . You had better come and dine with us somewhere . ' I would not by any means consent to this , for it occurred to me that I really ought to have a little house-warming , and that there never could be a better opportunity . I had a new pride in my rooms after his approval of them , and burned with a desire to develop their utmost resources . I therefore made him promise positively in the names of his two friends , and we appointed six o'clock as the dinner-hour . When he was gone , I rang for Mrs. Crupp , and acquainted her with my desperate design . Mrs. Crupp said , in the first place , of course it was well known she could n't be expected to wait , but she knew a handy young man , who she thought could be prevailed upon to do it , and whose terms would be five shillings , and what I pleased . I said , certainly we would have him . Next Mrs. Crupp said it was clear she could n't be in two places at once ( which I felt to be reasonable ) , and that 'a young gal' stationed in the pantry with a bedroom candle , there never to desist from washing plates , would be indispensable . I said , what would be the expense of this young female ? and Mrs. Crupp said she supposed eighteenpence would neither make me nor break me . I said I supposed not ; and THAT was settled . Then Mrs. Crupp said , Now about the dinner . It was a remarkable instance of want of forethought on the part of the ironmonger who had made Mrs. Crupp 's kitchen fireplace , that it was capable of cooking nothing but chops and mashed potatoes . As to a fish-kittle , Mrs. Crupp said , well ! would I only come and look at the range ? She could n't say fairer than that . Would I come and look at it ? As I should not have been much the wiser if I HAD looked at it , I declined , and said , 'Never mind fish . ' But Mrs. Crupp said , Do n't say that ; oysters was in , why not them ? So THAT was settled . Mrs. Crupp then said what she would recommend would be this . A pair of hot roast fowls -- from the pastry-cook 's ; a dish of stewed beef , with vegetables -- from the pastry-cook 's ; two little corner things , as a raised pie and a dish of kidneys -- from the pastrycook 's ; a tart , and ( if I liked ) a shape of jelly -- from the pastrycook 's . This , Mrs. Crupp said , would leave her at full liberty to concentrate her mind on the potatoes , and to serve up the cheese and celery as she could wish to see it done . I acted on Mrs. Crupp 's opinion , and gave the order at the pastry-cook's myself . Walking along the Strand , afterwards , and observing a hard mottled substance in the window of a ham and beef shop , which resembled marble , but was labelled 'Mock Turtle ' , I went in and bought a slab of it , which I have since seen reason to believe would have sufficed for fifteen people . This preparation , Mrs. Crupp , after some difficulty , consented to warm up ; and it shrunk so much in a liquid state , that we found it what Steerforth called 'rather a tight fit ' for four . These preparations happily completed , I bought a little dessert in Covent Garden Market , and gave a rather extensive order at a retail wine-merchant 's in that vicinity . When I came home in the afternoon , and saw the bottles drawn up in a square on the pantry floor , they looked so numerous ( though there were two missing , which made Mrs. Crupp very uncomfortable ) , that I was absolutely frightened at them . One of Steerforth 's friends was named Grainger , and the other Markham . They were both very gay and lively fellows ; Grainger , something older than Steerforth ; Markham , youthful-looking , and I should say not more than twenty . I observed that the latter always spoke of himself indefinitely , as 'a man ' , and seldom or never in the first person singular . 'A man might get on very well here , Mr. Copperfield , ' said Markham -- meaning himself . 'It 's not a bad situation , ' said I , 'and the rooms are really commodious . ' 'I hope you have both brought appetites with you ? ' said Steerforth . 'Upon my honour , ' returned Markham , 'town seems to sharpen a man's appetite . A man is hungry all day long . A man is perpetually eating . ' Being a little embarrassed at first , and feeling much too young to preside , I made Steerforth take the head of the table when dinner was announced , and seated myself opposite to him . Everything was very good ; we did not spare the wine ; and he exerted himself so brilliantly to make the thing pass off well , that there was no pause in our festivity . I was not quite such good company during dinner as I could have wished to be , for my chair was opposite the door , and my attention was distracted by observing that the handy young man went out of the room very often , and that his shadow always presented itself , immediately afterwards , on the wall of the entry , with a bottle at its mouth . The 'young gal ' likewise occasioned me some uneasiness : not so much by neglecting to wash the plates , as by breaking them . For being of an inquisitive disposition , and unable to confine herself ( as her positive instructions were ) to the pantry , she was constantly peering in at us , and constantly imagining herself detected ; in which belief , she several times retired upon the plates ( with which she had carefully paved the floor ) , and did a great deal of destruction . These , however , were small drawbacks , and easily forgotten when the cloth was cleared , and the dessert put on the table ; at which period of the entertainment the handy young man was discovered to be speechless . Giving him private directions to seek the society of Mrs. Crupp , and to remove the 'young gal ' to the basement also , I abandoned myself to enjoyment . I began , by being singularly cheerful and light-hearted ; all sorts of half-forgotten things to talk about , came rushing into my mind , and made me hold forth in a most unwonted manner . I laughed heartily at my own jokes , and everybody else 's ; called Steerforth to order for not passing the wine ; made several engagements to go to Oxford ; announced that I meant to have a dinner-party exactly like that , once a week , until further notice ; and madly took so much snuff out of Grainger 's box , that I was obliged to go into the pantry , and have a private fit of sneezing ten minutes long . I went on , by passing the wine faster and faster yet , and continually starting up with a corkscrew to open more wine , long before any was needed . I proposed Steerforth 's health . I said he was my dearest friend , the protector of my boyhood , and the companion of my prime . I said I was delighted to propose his health . I said I owed him more obligations than I could ever repay , and held him in a higher admiration than I could ever express . I finished by saying , 'I 'll give you Steerforth ! God bless him ! Hurrah ! ' We gave him three times three , and another , and a good one to finish with . I broke my glass in going round the table to shake hands with him , and I said ( in two words ) 'Steerforth -- you'retheguidingstarofmyexistence . ' I went on , by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of a song . Markham was the singer , and he sang 'When the heart of a man is depressed with care ' . He said , when he had sung it , he would give us 'Woman ! ' I took objection to that , and I could n't allow it . I said it was not a respectful way of proposing the toast , and I would never permit that toast to be drunk in my house otherwise than as 'The Ladies ! ' I was very high with him , mainly I think because I saw Steerforth and Grainger laughing at me -- or at him -- or at both of us . He said a man was not to be dictated to . I said a man was . He said a man was not to be insulted , then . I said he was right there -- never under my roof , where the Lares were sacred , and the laws of hospitality paramount . He said it was no derogation from a man 's dignity to confess that I was a devilish good fellow . I instantly proposed his health . Somebody was smoking . We were all smoking . I was smoking , and trying to suppress a rising tendency to shudder . Steerforth had made a speech about me , in the course of which I had been affected almost to tears . I returned thanks , and hoped the present company would dine with me tomorrow , and the day after -- each day at five o'clock , that we might enjoy the pleasures of conversation and society through a long evening . I felt called upon to propose an individual . I would give them my aunt . Miss Betsey Trotwood , the best of her sex ! Somebody was leaning out of my bedroom window , refreshing his forehead against the cool stone of the parapet , and feeling the air upon his face . It was myself . I was addressing myself as 'Copperfield ' , and saying , 'Why did you try to smoke ? You might have known you couldn't do it . ' Now , somebody was unsteadily contemplating his features in the looking-glass . That was I too . I was very pale in the looking-glass ; my eyes had a vacant appearance ; and my hair -- only my hair , nothing else -- looked drunk . Somebody said to me , 'Let us go to the theatre , Copperfield ! ' There was no bedroom before me , but again the jingling table covered with glasses ; the lamp ; Grainger on my right hand , Markham on my left , and Steerforth opposite -- all sitting in a mist , and a long way off . The theatre ? To be sure . The very thing . Come along ! But they must excuse me if I saw everybody out first , and turned the lamp off -- in case of fire . Owing to some confusion in the dark , the door was gone . I was feeling for it in the window-curtains , when Steerforth , laughing , took me by the arm and led me out . We went downstairs , one behind another . Near the bottom , somebody fell , and rolled down . Somebody else said it was Copperfield . I was angry at that false report , until , finding myself on my back in the passage , I began to think there might be some foundation for it . A very foggy night , with great rings round the lamps in the streets ! There was an indistinct talk of its being wet . I considered it frosty . Steerforth dusted me under a lamp-post , and put my hat into shape , which somebody produced from somewhere in a most extraordinary manner , for I had n't had it on before . Steerforth then said , 'You are all right , Copperfield , are you not ? ' and I told him , 'Neverberrer . ' A man , sitting in a pigeon-hole-place , looked out of the fog , and took money from somebody , inquiring if I was one of the gentlemen paid for , and appearing rather doubtful ( as I remember in the glimpse I had of him ) whether to take the money for me or not . Shortly afterwards , we were very high up in a very hot theatre , looking down into a large pit , that seemed to me to smoke ; the people with whom it was crammed were so indistinct . There was a great stage , too , looking very clean and smooth after the streets ; and there were people upon it , talking about something or other , but not at all intelligibly . There was an abundance of bright lights , and there was music , and there were ladies down in the boxes , and I do n't know what more . The whole building looked to me as if it were learning to swim ; it conducted itself in such an unaccountable manner , when I tried to steady it . On somebody 's motion , we resolved to go downstairs to the dress-boxes , where the ladies were . A gentleman lounging , full dressed , on a sofa , with an opera-glass in his hand , passed before my view , and also my own figure at full length in a glass . Then I was being ushered into one of these boxes , and found myself saying something as I sat down , and people about me crying 'Silence ! ' to somebody , and ladies casting indignant glances at me , and -- what ! yes ! -- Agnes , sitting on the seat before me , in the same box , with a lady and gentleman beside her , whom I didn't know . I see her face now , better than I did then , I dare say , with its indelible look of regret and wonder turned upon me . 'Agnes ! ' I said , thickly , 'Lorblessmer ! Agnes ! ' 'Hush ! Pray ! ' she answered , I could not conceive why . 'You disturb the company . Look at the stage ! ' I tried , on her injunction , to fix it , and to hear something of what was going on there , but quite in vain . I looked at her again by and by , and saw her shrink into her corner , and put her gloved hand to her forehead . 'Agnes ! ' I said . 'I'mafraidyou'renorwell . ' 'Yes , yes . Do not mind me , Trotwood , ' she returned . 'Listen ! Are you going away soon ? ' 'Amigoarawaysoo ? ' I repeated . 'Yes . ' I had a stupid intention of replying that I was going to wait , to hand her downstairs . I suppose I expressed it , somehow ; for after she had looked at me attentively for a little while , she appeared to understand , and replied in a low tone : 'I know you will do as I ask you , if I tell you I am very earnest in it . Go away now , Trotwood , for my sake , and ask your friends to take you home . ' She had so far improved me , for the time , that though I was angry with her , I felt ashamed , and with a short 'Goori ! ' ( which I intended for 'Good night ! ' ) got up and went away . They followed , and I stepped at once out of the box-door into my bedroom , where only Steerforth was with me , helping me to undress , and where I was by turns telling him that Agnes was my sister , and adjuring him to bring the corkscrew , that I might open another bottle of wine . How somebody , lying in my bed , lay saying and doing all this over again , at cross purposes , in a feverish dream all night -- the bed a rocking sea that was never still ! How , as that somebody slowly settled down into myself , did I begin to parch , and feel as if my outer covering of skin were a hard board ; my tongue the bottom of an empty kettle , furred with long service , and burning up over a slow fire ; the palms of my hands , hot plates of metal which no ice could cool ! But the agony of mind , the remorse , and shame I felt when I became conscious next day ! My horror of having committed a thousand offences I had forgotten , and which nothing could ever expiate -- my recollection of that indelible look which Agnes had given me -- the torturing impossibility of communicating with her , not knowing , Beast that I was , how she came to be in London , or where she stayed -- my disgust of the very sight of the room where the revel had been held -- my racking head -- the smell of smoke , the sight of glasses , the impossibility of going out , or even getting up ! Oh , what a day it was ! Oh , what an evening , when I sat down by my fire to a basin of mutton broth , dimpled all over with fat , and thought I was going the way of my predecessor , and should succeed to his dismal story as well as to his chambers , and had half a mind to rush express to Dover and reveal all ! What an evening , when Mrs. Crupp , coming in to take away the broth-basin , produced one kidney on a cheese-plate as the entire remains of yesterday 's feast , and I was really inclined to fall upon her nankeen breast and say , in heartfelt penitence , 'Oh , Mrs. Crupp , Mrs. Crupp , never mind the broken meats ! I am very miserable ! ' -- only that I doubted , even at that pass , if Mrs. Crupp were quite the sort of woman to confide in ! CHAPTER 25 . GOOD AND BAD ANGELS I was going out at my door on the morning after that deplorable day of headache , sickness , and repentance , with an odd confusion in my mind relative to the date of my dinner-party , as if a body of Titans had taken an enormous lever and pushed the day before yesterday some months back , when I saw a ticket-porter coming upstairs , with a letter in his hand . He was taking his time about his errand , then ; but when he saw me on the top of the staircase , looking at him over the banisters , he swung into a trot , and came up panting as if he had run himself into a state of exhaustion . 'T . Copperfield , Esquire , ' said the ticket-porter , touching his hat with his little cane . I could scarcely lay claim to the name : I was so disturbed by the conviction that the letter came from Agnes . However , I told him I was T. Copperfield , Esquire , and he believed it , and gave me the letter , which he said required an answer . I shut him out on the landing to wait for the answer , and went into my chambers again , in such a nervous state that I was fain to lay the letter down on my breakfast table , and familiarize myself with the outside of it a little , before I could resolve to break the seal . I found , when I did open it , that it was a very kind note , containing no reference to my condition at the theatre . All it said was , 'My dear Trotwood . I am staying at the house of papa 's agent , Mr. Waterbrook , in Ely Place , Holborn . Will you come and see me today , at any time you like to appoint ? Ever yours affectionately , AGNES . ' It took me such a long time to write an answer at all to my satisfaction , that I do n't know what the ticket-porter can have thought , unless he thought I was learning to write . I must have written half-a-dozen answers at least . I began one , 'How can I ever hope , my dear Agnes , to efface from your remembrance the disgusting impression ' -- there I did n't like it , and then I tore it up . I began another , 'Shakespeare has observed , my dear Agnes , how strange it is that a man should put an enemy into his mouth ' -- that reminded me of Markham , and it got no farther . I even tried poetry . I began one note , in a six-syllable line , 'Oh , do not remember ' -- but that associated itself with the fifth of November , and became an absurdity . After many attempts , I wrote , 'My dear Agnes . Your letter is like you , and what could I say of it that would be higher praise than that ? I will come at four o'clock . Affectionately and sorrowfully , T.C . ' With this missive ( which I was in twenty minds at once about recalling , as soon as it was out of my hands ) , the ticket-porter at last departed . If the day were half as tremendous to any other professional gentleman in Doctors ' Commons as it was to me , I sincerely believe he made some expiation for his share in that rotten old ecclesiastical cheese . Although I left the office at half past three , and was prowling about the place of appointment within a few minutes afterwards , the appointed time was exceeded by a full quarter of an hour , according to the clock of St. Andrew 's , Holborn , before I could muster up sufficient desperation to pull the private bell-handle let into the left-hand door-post of Mr. Waterbrook 's house . The professional business of Mr. Waterbrook 's establishment was done on the ground-floor , and the genteel business ( of which there was a good deal ) in the upper part of the building . I was shown into a pretty but rather close drawing-room , and there sat Agnes , netting a purse . She looked so quiet and good , and reminded me so strongly of my airy fresh school days at Canterbury , and the sodden , smoky , stupid wretch I had been the other night , that , nobody being by , I yielded to my self-reproach and shame , and -- in short , made a fool of myself . I can not deny that I shed tears . To this hour I am undecided whether it was upon the whole the wisest thing I could have done , or the most ridiculous . 'If it had been anyone but you , Agnes , ' said I , turning away my head , 'I should not have minded it half so much . But that it should have been you who saw me ! I almost wish I had been dead , first . ' She put her hand -- its touch was like no other hand -- upon my arm for a moment ; and I felt so befriended and comforted , that I could not help moving it to my lips , and gratefully kissing it . 'Sit down , ' said Agnes , cheerfully . 'Do n't be unhappy , Trotwood . If you can not confidently trust me , whom will you trust ? ' 'Ah , Agnes ! ' I returned . 'You are my good Angel ! ' She smiled rather sadly , I thought , and shook her head . 'Yes , Agnes , my good Angel ! Always my good Angel ! ' 'If I were , indeed , Trotwood , ' she returned , 'there is one thing that I should set my heart on very much . ' I looked at her inquiringly ; but already with a foreknowledge of her meaning . 'On warning you , ' said Agnes , with a steady glance , 'against your bad Angel . ' 'My dear Agnes , ' I began , 'if you mean Steerforth -- ' 'I do , Trotwood , ' she returned . 'Then , Agnes , you wrong him very much . He my bad Angel , or anyone 's ! He , anything but a guide , a support , and a friend to me ! My dear Agnes ! Now , is it not unjust , and unlike you , to judge him from what you saw of me the other night ? ' 'I do not judge him from what I saw of you the other night , ' she quietly replied . 'From what , then ? ' 'From many things -- trifles in themselves , but they do not seem to me to be so , when they are put together . I judge him , partly from your account of him , Trotwood , and your character , and the influence he has over you . ' There was always something in her modest voice that seemed to touch a chord within me , answering to that sound alone . It was always earnest ; but when it was very earnest , as it was now , there was a thrill in it that quite subdued me . I sat looking at her as she cast her eyes down on her work ; I sat seeming still to listen to her ; and Steerforth , in spite of all my attachment to him , darkened in that tone . 'It is very bold in me , ' said Agnes , looking up again , 'who have lived in such seclusion , and can know so little of the world , to give you my advice so confidently , or even to have this strong opinion . But I know in what it is engendered , Trotwood , -- in how true a remembrance of our having grown up together , and in how true an interest in all relating to you . It is that which makes me bold . I am certain that what I say is right . I am quite sure it is . I feel as if it were someone else speaking to you , and not I , when I caution you that you have made a dangerous friend . ' Again I looked at her , again I listened to her after she was silent , and again his image , though it was still fixed in my heart , darkened . 'I am not so unreasonable as to expect , ' said Agnes , resuming her usual tone , after a little while , 'that you will , or that you can , at once , change any sentiment that has become a conviction to you ; least of all a sentiment that is rooted in your trusting disposition . You ought not hastily to do that . I only ask you , Trotwood , if you ever think of me -- I mean , ' with a quiet smile , for I was going to interrupt her , and she knew why , 'as often as you think of me -- to think of what I have said . Do you forgive me for all this ? ' 'I will forgive you , Agnes , ' I replied , 'when you come to do Steerforth justice , and to like him as well as I do . ' 'Not until then ? ' said Agnes . I saw a passing shadow on her face when I made this mention of him , but she returned my smile , and we were again as unreserved in our mutual confidence as of old . 'And when , Agnes , ' said I , 'will you forgive me the other night ? ' 'When I recall it , ' said Agnes . She would have dismissed the subject so , but I was too full of it to allow that , and insisted on telling her how it happened that I had disgraced myself , and what chain of accidental circumstances had had the theatre for its final link . It was a great relief to me to do this , and to enlarge on the obligation that I owed to Steerforth for his care of me when I was unable to take care of myself . 'You must not forget , ' said Agnes , calmly changing the conversation as soon as I had concluded , 'that you are always to tell me , not only when you fall into trouble , but when you fall in love . Who has succeeded to Miss Larkins , Trotwood ? ' 'No one , Agnes . ' 'Someone , Trotwood , ' said Agnes , laughing , and holding up her finger . 'No , Agnes , upon my word ! There is a lady , certainly , at Mrs. Steerforth 's house , who is very clever , and whom I like to talk to -- Miss Dartle -- but I do n't adore her . ' Agnes laughed again at her own penetration , and told me that if I were faithful to her in my confidence she thought she should keep a little register of my violent attachments , with the date , duration , and termination of each , like the table of the reigns of the kings and queens , in the History of England . Then she asked me if I had seen Uriah . 'Uriah Heep ? ' said I . 'No . Is he in London ? ' 'He comes to the office downstairs , every day , ' returned Agnes . 'He was in London a week before me . I am afraid on disagreeable business , Trotwood . ' 'On some business that makes you uneasy , Agnes , I see , ' said I . 'What can that be ? ' Agnes laid aside her work , and replied , folding her hands upon one another , and looking pensively at me out of those beautiful soft eyes of hers : 'I believe he is going to enter into partnership with papa . ' 'What ? Uriah ? That mean , fawning fellow , worm himself into such promotion ! ' I cried , indignantly . 'Have you made no remonstrance about it , Agnes ? Consider what a connexion it is likely to be . You must speak out . You must not allow your father to take such a mad step . You must prevent it , Agnes , while there 's time . ' Still looking at me , Agnes shook her head while I was speaking , with a faint smile at my warmth : and then replied : 'You remember our last conversation about papa ? It was not long after that -- not more than two or three days -- when he gave me the first intimation of what I tell you . It was sad to see him struggling between his desire to represent it to me as a matter of choice on his part , and his inability to conceal that it was forced upon him . I felt very sorry . ' 'Forced upon him , Agnes ! Who forces it upon him ? ' 'Uriah , ' she replied , after a moment 's hesitation , 'has made himself indispensable to papa . He is subtle and watchful . He has mastered papa's weaknesses , fostered them , and taken advantage of them , until -- to say all that I mean in a word , Trotwood , -- until papa is afraid of him . ' There was more that she might have said ; more that she knew , or that she suspected ; I clearly saw . I could not give her pain by asking what it was , for I knew that she withheld it from me , to spare her father . It had long been going on to this , I was sensible : yes , I could not but feel , on the least reflection , that it had been going on to this for a long time . I remained silent . 'His ascendancy over papa , ' said Agnes , 'is very great . He professes humility and gratitude -- with truth , perhaps : I hope so -- but his position is really one of power , and I fear he makes a hard use of his power . ' I said he was a hound , which , at the moment , was a great satisfaction to me . 'At the time I speak of , as the time when papa spoke to me , ' pursued Agnes , 'he had told papa that he was going away ; that he was very sorry , and unwilling to leave , but that he had better prospects . Papa was very much depressed then , and more bowed down by care than ever you or I have seen him ; but he seemed relieved by this expedient of the partnership , though at the same time he seemed hurt by it and ashamed of it . ' 'And how did you receive it , Agnes ? ' 'I did , Trotwood , ' she replied , 'what I hope was right . Feeling sure that it was necessary for papa 's peace that the sacrifice should be made , I entreated him to make it . I said it would lighten the load of his life -- I hope it will ! -- and that it would give me increased opportunities of being his companion . Oh , Trotwood ! ' cried Agnes , putting her hands before her face , as her tears started on it , 'I almost feel as if I had been papa 's enemy , instead of his loving child . For I know how he has altered , in his devotion to me . I know how he has narrowed the circle of his sympathies and duties , in the concentration of his whole mind upon me . I know what a multitude of things he has shut out for my sake , and how his anxious thoughts of me have shadowed his life , and weakened his strength and energy , by turning them always upon one idea . If I could ever set this right ! If I could ever work out his restoration , as I have so innocently been the cause of his decline ! ' I had never before seen Agnes cry . I had seen tears in her eyes when I had brought new honours home from school , and I had seen them there when we last spoke about her father , and I had seen her turn her gentle head aside when we took leave of one another ; but I had never seen her grieve like this . It made me so sorry that I could only say , in a foolish , helpless manner , 'Pray , Agnes , do n't ! Do n't , my dear sister ! ' But Agnes was too superior to me in character and purpose , as I know well now , whatever I might know or not know then , to be long in need of my entreaties . The beautiful , calm manner , which makes her so different in my remembrance from everybody else , came back again , as if a cloud had passed from a serene sky . 'We are not likely to remain alone much longer , ' said Agnes , 'and while I have an opportunity , let me earnestly entreat you , Trotwood , to be friendly to Uriah . Do n't repel him . Do n't resent ( as I think you have a general disposition to do ) what may be uncongenial to you in him . He may not deserve it , for we know no certain ill of him . In any case , think first of papa and me ! ' Agnes had no time to say more , for the room door opened , and Mrs. Waterbrook , who was a large lady -- or who wore a large dress : I don't exactly know which , for I do n't know which was dress and which was lady -- came sailing in . I had a dim recollection of having seen her at the theatre , as if I had seen her in a pale magic lantern ; but she appeared to remember me perfectly , and still to suspect me of being in a state of intoxication . Finding by degrees , however , that I was sober , and ( I hope ) that I was a modest young gentleman , Mrs. Waterbrook softened towards me considerably , and inquired , firstly , if I went much into the parks , and secondly , if I went much into society . On my replying to both these questions in the negative , it occurred to me that I fell again in her good opinion ; but she concealed the fact gracefully , and invited me to dinner next day . I accepted the invitation , and took my leave , making a call on Uriah in the office as I went out , and leaving a card for him in his absence . When I went to dinner next day , and on the street door being opened , plunged into a vapour-bath of haunch of mutton , I divined that I was not the only guest , for I immediately identified the ticket-porter in disguise , assisting the family servant , and waiting at the foot of the stairs to carry up my name . He looked , to the best of his ability , when he asked me for it confidentially , as if he had never seen me before ; but well did I know him , and well did he know me . Conscience made cowards of us both . I found Mr. Waterbrook to be a middle-aged gentleman , with a short throat , and a good deal of shirt-collar , who only wanted a black nose to be the portrait of a pug-dog . He told me he was happy to have the honour of making my acquaintance ; and when I had paid my homage to Mrs. Waterbrook , presented me , with much ceremony , to a very awful lady in a black velvet dress , and a great black velvet hat , whom I remember as looking like a near relation of Hamlet 's -- say his aunt . Mrs. Henry Spiker was this lady 's name ; and her husband was there too : so cold a man , that his head , instead of being grey , seemed to be sprinkled with hoar-frost . Immense deference was shown to the Henry Spikers , male and female ; which Agnes told me was on account of Mr. Henry Spiker being solicitor to something or to somebody , I forget what or which , remotely connected with the Treasury . I found Uriah Heep among the company , in a suit of black , and in deep humility . He told me , when I shook hands with him , that he was proud to be noticed by me , and that he really felt obliged to me for my condescension . I could have wished he had been less obliged to me , for he hovered about me in his gratitude all the rest of the evening ; and whenever I said a word to Agnes , was sure , with his shadowless eyes and cadaverous face , to be looking gauntly down upon us from behind . There were other guests -- all iced for the occasion , as it struck me , like the wine . But there was one who attracted my attention before he came in , on account of my hearing him announced as Mr. Traddles ! My mind flew back to Salem House ; and could it be Tommy , I thought , who used to draw the skeletons ! I looked for Mr. Traddles with unusual interest . He was a sober , steady-looking young man of retiring manners , with a comic head of hair , and eyes that were rather wide open ; and he got into an obscure corner so soon , that I had some difficulty in making him out . At length I had a good view of him , and either my vision deceived me , or it was the old unfortunate Tommy . I made my way to Mr. Waterbrook , and said , that I believed I had the pleasure of seeing an old schoolfellow there . 'Indeed ! ' said Mr. Waterbrook , surprised . 'You are too young to have been at school with Mr. Henry Spiker ? ' 'Oh , I do n't mean him ! ' I returned . 'I mean the gentleman named Traddles . ' 'Oh ! Aye , aye ! Indeed ! ' said my host , with much diminished interest . 'Possibly . ' 'If it 's really the same person , ' said I , glancing towards him , 'it was at a place called Salem House where we were together , and he was an excellent fellow . ' 'Oh yes . Traddles is a good fellow , ' returned my host nodding his head with an air of toleration . 'Traddles is quite a good fellow . ' 'It 's a curious coincidence , ' said I . 'It is really , ' returned my host , 'quite a coincidence , that Traddles should be here at all : as Traddles was only invited this morning , when the place at table , intended to be occupied by Mrs. Henry Spiker's brother , became vacant , in consequence of his indisposition . A very gentlemanly man , Mrs. Henry Spiker 's brother , Mr . Copperfield . ' I murmured an assent , which was full of feeling , considering that I knew nothing at all about him ; and I inquired what Mr. Traddles was by profession . 'Traddles , ' returned Mr. Waterbrook , 'is a young man reading for the bar . Yes . He is quite a good fellow -- nobody 's enemy but his own . ' 'Is he his own enemy ? ' said I , sorry to hear this . 'Well , ' returned Mr. Waterbrook , pursing up his mouth , and playing with his watch-chain , in a comfortable , prosperous sort of way . 'I should say he was one of those men who stand in their own light . Yes , I should say he would never , for example , be worth five hundred pound . Traddles was recommended to me by a professional friend . Oh yes . Yes . He has a kind of talent for drawing briefs , and stating a case in writing , plainly . I am able to throw something in Traddles 's way , in the course of the year ; something -- for him -- considerable . Oh yes . Yes . ' I was much impressed by the extremely comfortable and satisfied manner in which Mr. Waterbrook delivered himself of this little word 'Yes ' , every now and then . There was wonderful expression in it . It completely conveyed the idea of a man who had been born , not to say with a silver spoon , but with a scaling-ladder , and had gone on mounting all the heights of life one after another , until now he looked , from the top of the fortifications , with the eye of a philosopher and a patron , on the people down in the trenches . My reflections on this theme were still in progress when dinner was announced . Mr. Waterbrook went down with Hamlet 's aunt . Mr. Henry Spiker took Mrs. Waterbrook . Agnes , whom I should have liked to take myself , was given to a simpering fellow with weak legs . Uriah , Traddles , and I , as the junior part of the company , went down last , how we could . I was not so vexed at losing Agnes as I might have been , since it gave me an opportunity of making myself known to Traddles on the stairs , who greeted me with great fervour ; while Uriah writhed with such obtrusive satisfaction and self-abasement , that I could gladly have pitched him over the banisters . Traddles and I were separated at table , being billeted in two remote corners : he in the glare of a red velvet lady ; I , in the gloom of Hamlet 's aunt . The dinner was very long , and the conversation was about the Aristocracy -- and Blood . Mrs. Waterbrook repeatedly told us , that if she had a weakness , it was Blood . It occurred to me several times that we should have got on better , if we had not been quite so genteel . We were so exceedingly genteel , that our scope was very limited . A Mr. and Mrs. Gulpidge were of the party , who had something to do at second-hand ( at least , Mr. Gulpidge had ) with the law business of the Bank ; and what with the Bank , and what with the Treasury , we were as exclusive as the Court Circular . To mend the matter , Hamlet 's aunt had the family failing of indulging in soliloquy , and held forth in a desultory manner , by herself , on every topic that was introduced . These were few enough , to be sure ; but as we always fell back upon Blood , she had as wide a field for abstract speculation as her nephew himself . We might have been a party of Ogres , the conversation assumed such a sanguine complexion . 'I confess I am of Mrs. Waterbrook 's opinion , ' said Mr. Waterbrook , with his wine-glass at his eye . 'Other things are all very well in their way , but give me Blood ! ' 'Oh ! There is nothing , ' observed Hamlet 's aunt , 'so satisfactory to one ! There is nothing that is so much one 's beau-ideal of -- of all that sort of thing , speaking generally . There are some low minds ( not many , I am happy to believe , but there are some ) that would prefer to do what I should call bow down before idols . Positively Idols ! Before service , intellect , and so on . But these are intangible points . Blood is not so . We see Blood in a nose , and we know it . We meet with it in a chin , and we say , `` There it is ! That 's Blood ! '' It is an actual matter of fact . We point it out . It admits of no doubt . ' The simpering fellow with the weak legs , who had taken Agnes down , stated the question more decisively yet , I thought . 'Oh , you know , deuce take it , ' said this gentleman , looking round the board with an imbecile smile , 'we ca n't forego Blood , you know . We must have Blood , you know . Some young fellows , you know , may be a little behind their station , perhaps , in point of education and behaviour , and may go a little wrong , you know , and get themselves and other people into a variety of fixes -- and all that -- but deuce take it , it's delightful to reflect that they 've got Blood in 'em ! Myself , I 'd rather at any time be knocked down by a man who had got Blood in him , than I'd be picked up by a man who had n't ! ' This sentiment , as compressing the general question into a nutshell , gave the utmost satisfaction , and brought the gentleman into great notice until the ladies retired . After that , I observed that Mr. Gulpidge and Mr. Henry Spiker , who had hitherto been very distant , entered into a defensive alliance against us , the common enemy , and exchanged a mysterious dialogue across the table for our defeat and overthrow . 'That affair of the first bond for four thousand five hundred pounds has not taken the course that was expected , Spiker , ' said Mr. Gulpidge . 'Do you mean the D. of A. 's ? ' said Mr. Spiker . 'The C. of B. 's ! ' said Mr. Gulpidge . Mr. Spiker raised his eyebrows , and looked much concerned . 'When the question was referred to Lord -- I need n't name him , ' said Mr. Gulpidge , checking himself -- 'I understand , ' said Mr. Spiker , 'N . ' Mr. Gulpidge darkly nodded -- 'was referred to him , his answer was , '' Money , or no release . '' ' 'Lord bless my soul ! ' cried Mr. Spiker . `` 'Money , or no release , '' ' repeated Mr. Gulpidge , firmly . 'The next in reversion -- you understand me ? ' 'K. , ' said Mr. Spiker , with an ominous look. ' -- K. then positively refused to sign . He was attended at Newmarket for that purpose , and he point-blank refused to do it . ' Mr. Spiker was so interested , that he became quite stony . 'So the matter rests at this hour , ' said Mr. Gulpidge , throwing himself back in his chair . 'Our friend Waterbrook will excuse me if I forbear to explain myself generally , on account of the magnitude of the interests involved . ' Mr. Waterbrook was only too happy , as it appeared to me , to have such interests , and such names , even hinted at , across his table . He assumed an expression of gloomy intelligence ( though I am persuaded he knew no more about the discussion than I did ) , and highly approved of the discretion that had been observed . Mr. Spiker , after the receipt of such a confidence , naturally desired to favour his friend with a confidence of his own ; therefore the foregoing dialogue was succeeded by another , in which it was Mr. Gulpidge 's turn to be surprised , and that by another in which the surprise came round to Mr. Spiker 's turn again , and so on , turn and turn about . All this time we , the outsiders , remained oppressed by the tremendous interests involved in the conversation ; and our host regarded us with pride , as the victims of a salutary awe and astonishment . I was very glad indeed to get upstairs to Agnes , and to talk with her in a corner , and to introduce Traddles to her , who was shy , but agreeable , and the same good-natured creature still . As he was obliged to leave early , on account of going away next morning for a month , I had not nearly so much conversation with him as I could have wished ; but we exchanged addresses , and promised ourselves the pleasure of another meeting when he should come back to town . He was greatly interested to hear that I knew Steerforth , and spoke of him with such warmth that I made him tell Agnes what he thought of him . But Agnes only looked at me the while , and very slightly shook her head when only I observed her . As she was not among people with whom I believed she could be very much at home , I was almost glad to hear that she was going away within a few days , though I was sorry at the prospect of parting from her again so soon . This caused me to remain until all the company were gone . Conversing with her , and hearing her sing , was such a delightful reminder to me of my happy life in the grave old house she had made so beautiful , that I could have remained there half the night ; but , having no excuse for staying any longer , when the lights of Mr. Waterbrook's society were all snuffed out , I took my leave very much against my inclination . I felt then , more than ever , that she was my better Angel ; and if I thought of her sweet face and placid smile , as though they had shone on me from some removed being , like an Angel , I hope I thought no harm . I have said that the company were all gone ; but I ought to have excepted Uriah , whom I do n't include in that denomination , and who had never ceased to hover near us . He was close behind me when I went downstairs . He was close beside me , when I walked away from the house , slowly fitting his long skeleton fingers into the still longer fingers of a great Guy Fawkes pair of gloves . It was in no disposition for Uriah 's company , but in remembrance of the entreaty Agnes had made to me , that I asked him if he would come home to my rooms , and have some coffee . 'Oh , really , Master Copperfield , ' he rejoined -- 'I beg your pardon , Mister Copperfield , but the other comes so natural , I do n't like that you should put a constraint upon yourself to ask a numble person like me to your ouse . ' 'There is no constraint in the case , ' said I . 'Will you come ? ' 'I should like to , very much , ' replied Uriah , with a writhe . 'Well , then , come along ! ' said I. I could not help being rather short with him , but he appeared not to mind it . We went the nearest way , without conversing much upon the road ; and he was so humble in respect of those scarecrow gloves , that he was still putting them on , and seemed to have made no advance in that labour , when we got to my place . I led him up the dark stairs , to prevent his knocking his head against anything , and really his damp cold hand felt so like a frog in mine , that I was tempted to drop it and run away . Agnes and hospitality prevailed , however , and I conducted him to my fireside . When I lighted my candles , he fell into meek transports with the room that was revealed to him ; and when I heated the coffee in an unassuming block-tin vessel in which Mrs. Crupp delighted to prepare it ( chiefly , I believe , because it was not intended for the purpose , being a shaving-pot , and because there was a patent invention of great price mouldering away in the pantry ) , he professed so much emotion , that I could joyfully have scalded him . 'Oh , really , Master Copperfield , -- I mean Mister Copperfield , ' said Uriah , 'to see you waiting upon me is what I never could have expected ! But , one way and another , so many things happen to me which I never could have expected , I am sure , in my umble station , that it seems to rain blessings on my ed . You have heard something , I des-say , of a change in my expectations , Master Copperfield , -- I should say , Mister Copperfield ? ' As he sat on my sofa , with his long knees drawn up under his coffee-cup , his hat and gloves upon the ground close to him , his spoon going softly round and round , his shadowless red eyes , which looked as if they had scorched their lashes off , turned towards me without looking at me , the disagreeable dints I have formerly described in his nostrils coming and going with his breath , and a snaky undulation pervading his frame from his chin to his boots , I decided in my own mind that I disliked him intensely . It made me very uncomfortable to have him for a guest , for I was young then , and unused to disguise what I so strongly felt . 'You have heard something , I des-say , of a change in my expectations , Master Copperfield , -- I should say , Mister Copperfield ? ' observed Uriah . 'Yes , ' said I , 'something . ' 'Ah ! I thought Miss Agnes would know of it ! ' he quietly returned . 'I'm glad to find Miss Agnes knows of it . Oh , thank you , Master -- Mister Copperfield ! ' I could have thrown my bootjack at him ( it lay ready on the rug ) , for having entrapped me into the disclosure of anything concerning Agnes , however immaterial . But I only drank my coffee . 'What a prophet you have shown yourself , Mister Copperfield ! ' pursued Uriah . 'Dear me , what a prophet you have proved yourself to be ! Don't you remember saying to me once , that perhaps I should be a partner in Mr. Wickfield 's business , and perhaps it might be Wickfield and Heep ? You may not recollect it ; but when a person is umble , Master Copperfield , a person treasures such things up ! ' 'I recollect talking about it , ' said I , 'though I certainly did not think it very likely then . ' 'Oh ! who would have thought it likely , Mister Copperfield ! ' returned Uriah , enthusiastically . 'I am sure I did n't myself . I recollect saying with my own lips that I was much too umble . So I considered myself really and truly . ' He sat , with that carved grin on his face , looking at the fire , as I looked at him . 'But the umblest persons , Master Copperfield , ' he presently resumed , 'may be the instruments of good . I am glad to think I have been the instrument of good to Mr. Wickfield , and that I may be more so . Oh what a worthy man he is , Mister Copperfield , but how imprudent he has been ! ' 'I am sorry to hear it , ' said I. I could not help adding , rather pointedly , 'on all accounts . ' 'Decidedly so , Mister Copperfield , ' replied Uriah . 'On all accounts . Miss Agnes 's above all ! You do n't remember your own eloquent expressions , Master Copperfield ; but I remember how you said one day that everybody must admire her , and how I thanked you for it ! You have forgot that , I have no doubt , Master Copperfield ? ' 'No , ' said I , drily . 'Oh how glad I am you have not ! ' exclaimed Uriah . 'To think that you should be the first to kindle the sparks of ambition in my umble breast , and that you 've not forgot it ! Oh ! -- Would you excuse me asking for a cup more coffee ? ' Something in the emphasis he laid upon the kindling of those sparks , and something in the glance he directed at me as he said it , had made me start as if I had seen him illuminated by a blaze of light . Recalled by his request , preferred in quite another tone of voice , I did the honours of the shaving-pot ; but I did them with an unsteadiness of hand , a sudden sense of being no match for him , and a perplexed suspicious anxiety as to what he might be going to say next , which I felt could not escape his observation . He said nothing at all . He stirred his coffee round and round , he sipped it , he felt his chin softly with his grisly hand , he looked at the fire , he looked about the room , he gasped rather than smiled at me , he writhed and undulated about , in his deferential servility , he stirred and sipped again , but he left the renewal of the conversation to me . 'So , Mr. Wickfield , ' said I , at last , 'who is worth five hundred of you -- or me ' ; for my life , I think , I could not have helped dividing that part of the sentence with an awkward jerk ; 'has been imprudent , has he , Mr . Heep ? ' 'Oh , very imprudent indeed , Master Copperfield , ' returned Uriah , sighing modestly . 'Oh , very much so ! But I wish you 'd call me Uriah , if you please . It 's like old times . ' 'Well ! Uriah , ' said I , bolting it out with some difficulty . 'Thank you , ' he returned , with fervour . 'Thank you , Master Copperfield ! It 's like the blowing of old breezes or the ringing of old bellses to hear YOU say Uriah . I beg your pardon . Was I making any observation ? ' 'About Mr. Wickfield , ' I suggested . 'Oh ! Yes , truly , ' said Uriah . 'Ah ! Great imprudence , Master Copperfield . It 's a topic that I would n't touch upon , to any soul but you . Even to you I can only touch upon it , and no more . If anyone else had been in my place during the last few years , by this time he would have had Mr. Wickfield ( oh , what a worthy man he is , Master Copperfield , too ! ) under his thumb . Un -- der -- his thumb , ' said Uriah , very slowly , as he stretched out his cruel-looking hand above my table , and pressed his own thumb upon it , until it shook , and shook the room . If I had been obliged to look at him with him splay foot on Mr. Wickfield 's head , I think I could scarcely have hated him more . 'Oh , dear , yes , Master Copperfield , ' he proceeded , in a soft voice , most remarkably contrasting with the action of his thumb , which did not diminish its hard pressure in the least degree , 'there 's no doubt of it . There would have been loss , disgrace , I do n't know what at all . Mr. Wickfield knows it . I am the umble instrument of umbly serving him , and he puts me on an eminence I hardly could have hoped to reach . How thankful should I be ! ' With his face turned towards me , as he finished , but without looking at me , he took his crooked thumb off the spot where he had planted it , and slowly and thoughtfully scraped his lank jaw with it , as if he were shaving himself . I recollect well how indignantly my heart beat , as I saw his crafty face , with the appropriately red light of the fire upon it , preparing for something else . 'Master Copperfield , ' he began -- 'but am I keeping you up ? ' 'You are not keeping me up . I generally go to bed late . ' 'Thank you , Master Copperfield ! I have risen from my umble station since first you used to address me , it is true ; but I am umble still . I hope I never shall be otherwise than umble . You will not think the worse of my umbleness , if I make a little confidence to you , Master Copperfield ? Will you ? ' 'Oh no , ' said I , with an effort . 'Thank you ! ' He took out his pocket-handkerchief , and began wiping the palms of his hands . 'Miss Agnes , Master Copperfield -- ' 'Well , Uriah ? ' 'Oh , how pleasant to be called Uriah , spontaneously ! ' he cried ; and gave himself a jerk , like a convulsive fish . 'You thought her looking very beautiful tonight , Master Copperfield ? ' 'I thought her looking as she always does : superior , in all respects , to everyone around her , ' I returned . 'Oh , thank you ! It 's so true ! ' he cried . 'Oh , thank you very much for that ! ' 'Not at all , ' I said , loftily . 'There is no reason why you should thank me . ' 'Why that , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah , 'is , in fact , the confidence that I am going to take the liberty of reposing . Umble as I am , ' he wiped his hands harder , and looked at them and at the fire by turns , 'umble as my mother is , and lowly as our poor but honest roof has ever been , the image of Miss Agnes ( I do n't mind trusting you with my secret , Master Copperfield , for I have always overflowed towards you since the first moment I had the pleasure of beholding you in a pony-shay ) has been in my breast for years . Oh , Master Copperfield , with what a pure affection do I love the ground my Agnes walks on ! ' I believe I had a delirious idea of seizing the red-hot poker out of the fire , and running him through with it . It went from me with a shock , like a ball fired from a rifle : but the image of Agnes , outraged by so much as a thought of this red-headed animal 's , remained in my mind when I looked at him , sitting all awry as if his mean soul griped his body , and made me giddy . He seemed to swell and grow before my eyes ; the room seemed full of the echoes of his voice ; and the strange feeling ( to which , perhaps , no one is quite a stranger ) that all this had occurred before , at some indefinite time , and that I knew what he was going to say next , took possession of me . A timely observation of the sense of power that there was in his face , did more to bring back to my remembrance the entreaty of Agnes , in its full force , than any effort I could have made . I asked him , with a better appearance of composure than I could have thought possible a minute before , whether he had made his feelings known to Agnes . 'Oh no , Master Copperfield ! ' he returned ; 'oh dear , no ! Not to anyone but you . You see I am only just emerging from my lowly station . I rest a good deal of hope on her observing how useful I am to her father ( for I trust to be very useful to him indeed , Master Copperfield ) , and how I smooth the way for him , and keep him straight . She 's so much attached to her father , Master Copperfield ( oh , what a lovely thing it is in a daughter ! ) , that I think she may come , on his account , to be kind to me . ' I fathomed the depth of the rascal 's whole scheme , and understood why he laid it bare . 'If you 'll have the goodness to keep my secret , Master Copperfield , ' he pursued , 'and not , in general , to go against me , I shall take it as a particular favour . You would n't wish to make unpleasantness . I know what a friendly heart you 've got ; but having only known me on my umble footing ( on my umblest I should say , for I am very umble still ) , you might , unbeknown , go against me rather , with my Agnes . I call her mine , you see , Master Copperfield . There 's a song that says , `` I 'd crowns resign , to call her mine ! '' I hope to do it , one of these days . ' Dear Agnes ! So much too loving and too good for anyone that I could think of , was it possible that she was reserved to be the wife of such a wretch as this ! 'There 's no hurry at present , you know , Master Copperfield , ' Uriah proceeded , in his slimy way , as I sat gazing at him , with this thought in my mind . 'My Agnes is very young still ; and mother and me will have to work our way upwards , and make a good many new arrangements , before it would be quite convenient . So I shall have time gradually to make her familiar with my hopes , as opportunities offer . Oh , I 'm so much obliged to you for this confidence ! Oh , it 's such a relief , you ca n't think , to know that you understand our situation , and are certain ( as you wouldn't wish to make unpleasantness in the family ) not to go against me ! ' He took the hand which I dared not withhold , and having given it a damp squeeze , referred to his pale-faced watch . 'Dear me ! ' he said , 'it 's past one . The moments slip away so , in the confidence of old times , Master Copperfield , that it 's almost half past one ! ' I answered that I had thought it was later . Not that I had really thought so , but because my conversational powers were effectually scattered . 'Dear me ! ' he said , considering . 'The ouse that I am stopping at -- a sort of a private hotel and boarding ouse , Master Copperfield , near the New River ed -- will have gone to bed these two hours . ' 'I am sorry , ' I returned , 'that there is only one bed here , and that I -- ' 'Oh , do n't think of mentioning beds , Master Copperfield ! ' he rejoined ecstatically , drawing up one leg . 'But would you have any objections to my laying down before the fire ? ' 'If it comes to that , ' I said , 'pray take my bed , and I 'll lie down before the fire . ' His repudiation of this offer was almost shrill enough , in the excess of its surprise and humility , to have penetrated to the ears of Mrs. Crupp , then sleeping , I suppose , in a distant chamber , situated at about the level of low-water mark , soothed in her slumbers by the ticking of an incorrigible clock , to which she always referred me when we had any little difference on the score of punctuality , and which was never less than three-quarters of an hour too slow , and had always been put right in the morning by the best authorities . As no arguments I could urge , in my bewildered condition , had the least effect upon his modesty in inducing him to accept my bedroom , I was obliged to make the best arrangements I could , for his repose before the fire . The mattress of the sofa ( which was a great deal too short for his lank figure ) , the sofa pillows , a blanket , the table-cover , a clean breakfast-cloth , and a great-coat , made him a bed and covering , for which he was more than thankful . Having lent him a night-cap , which he put on at once , and in which he made such an awful figure , that I have never worn one since , I left him to his rest . I never shall forget that night . I never shall forget how I turned and tumbled ; how I wearied myself with thinking about Agnes and this creature ; how I considered what could I do , and what ought I to do ; how I could come to no other conclusion than that the best course for her peace was to do nothing , and to keep to myself what I had heard . If I went to sleep for a few moments , the image of Agnes with her tender eyes , and of her father looking fondly on her , as I had so often seen him look , arose before me with appealing faces , and filled me with vague terrors . When I awoke , the recollection that Uriah was lying in the next room , sat heavy on me like a waking nightmare ; and oppressed me with a leaden dread , as if I had had some meaner quality of devil for a lodger . The poker got into my dozing thoughts besides , and would n't come out . I thought , between sleeping and waking , that it was still red hot , and I had snatched it out of the fire , and run him through the body . I was so haunted at last by the idea , though I knew there was nothing in it , that I stole into the next room to look at him . There I saw him , lying on his back , with his legs extending to I do n't know where , gurglings taking place in his throat , stoppages in his nose , and his mouth open like a post-office . He was so much worse in reality than in my distempered fancy , that afterwards I was attracted to him in very repulsion , and could not help wandering in and out every half-hour or so , and taking another look at him . Still , the long , long night seemed heavy and hopeless as ever , and no promise of day was in the murky sky . When I saw him going downstairs early in the morning ( for , thank Heaven ! he would not stay to breakfast ) , it appeared to me as if the night was going away in his person . When I went out to the Commons , I charged Mrs. Crupp with particular directions to leave the windows open , that my sitting-room might be aired , and purged of his presence . CHAPTER 26 . I FALL INTO CAPTIVITY I saw no more of Uriah Heep , until the day when Agnes left town . I was at the coach office to take leave of her and see her go ; and there was he , returning to Canterbury by the same conveyance . It was some small satisfaction to me to observe his spare , short-waisted , high-shouldered , mulberry-coloured great-coat perched up , in company with an umbrella like a small tent , on the edge of the back seat on the roof , while Agnes was , of course , inside ; but what I underwent in my efforts to be friendly with him , while Agnes looked on , perhaps deserved that little recompense . At the coach window , as at the dinner-party , he hovered about us without a moment 's intermission , like a great vulture : gorging himself on every syllable that I said to Agnes , or Agnes said to me . In the state of trouble into which his disclosure by my fire had thrown me , I had thought very much of the words Agnes had used in reference to the partnership . 'I did what I hope was right . Feeling sure that it was necessary for papa 's peace that the sacrifice should be made , I entreated him to make it . ' A miserable foreboding that she would yield to , and sustain herself by , the same feeling in reference to any sacrifice for his sake , had oppressed me ever since . I knew how she loved him . I knew what the devotion of her nature was . I knew from her own lips that she regarded herself as the innocent cause of his errors , and as owing him a great debt she ardently desired to pay . I had no consolation in seeing how different she was from this detestable Rufus with the mulberry-coloured great-coat , for I felt that in the very difference between them , in the self-denial of her pure soul and the sordid baseness of his , the greatest danger lay . All this , doubtless , he knew thoroughly , and had , in his cunning , considered well . Yet I was so certain that the prospect of such a sacrifice afar off , must destroy the happiness of Agnes ; and I was so sure , from her manner , of its being unseen by her then , and having cast no shadow on her yet ; that I could as soon have injured her , as given her any warning of what impended . Thus it was that we parted without explanation : she waving her hand and smiling farewell from the coach window ; her evil genius writhing on the roof , as if he had her in his clutches and triumphed . I could not get over this farewell glimpse of them for a long time . When Agnes wrote to tell me of her safe arrival , I was as miserable as when I saw her going away . Whenever I fell into a thoughtful state , this subject was sure to present itself , and all my uneasiness was sure to be redoubled . Hardly a night passed without my dreaming of it . It became a part of my life , and as inseparable from my life as my own head . I had ample leisure to refine upon my uneasiness : for Steerforth was at Oxford , as he wrote to me , and when I was not at the Commons , I was very much alone . I believe I had at this time some lurking distrust of Steerforth . I wrote to him most affectionately in reply to his , but I think I was glad , upon the whole , that he could not come to London just then . I suspect the truth to be , that the influence of Agnes was upon me , undisturbed by the sight of him ; and that it was the more powerful with me , because she had so large a share in my thoughts and interest . In the meantime , days and weeks slipped away . I was articled to Spenlow and Jorkins . I had ninety pounds a year ( exclusive of my house-rent and sundry collateral matters ) from my aunt . My rooms were engaged for twelve months certain : and though I still found them dreary of an evening , and the evenings long , I could settle down into a state of equable low spirits , and resign myself to coffee ; which I seem , on looking back , to have taken by the gallon at about this period of my existence . At about this time , too , I made three discoveries : first , that Mrs. Crupp was a martyr to a curious disorder called 'the spazzums ' , which was generally accompanied with inflammation of the nose , and required to be constantly treated with peppermint ; secondly , that something peculiar in the temperature of my pantry , made the brandy-bottles burst ; thirdly , that I was alone in the world , and much given to record that circumstance in fragments of English versification . On the day when I was articled , no festivity took place , beyond my having sandwiches and sherry into the office for the clerks , and going alone to the theatre at night . I went to see The Stranger , as a Doctors' Commons sort of play , and was so dreadfully cut up , that I hardly knew myself in my own glass when I got home . Mr. Spenlow remarked , on this occasion , when we concluded our business , that he should have been happy to have seen me at his house at Norwood to celebrate our becoming connected , but for his domestic arrangements being in some disorder , on account of the expected return of his daughter from finishing her education at Paris . But , he intimated that when she came home he should hope to have the pleasure of entertaining me . I knew that he was a widower with one daughter , and expressed my acknowledgements . Mr. Spenlow was as good as his word . In a week or two , he referred to this engagement , and said , that if I would do him the favour to come down next Saturday , and stay till Monday , he would be extremely happy . Of course I said I would do him the favour ; and he was to drive me down in his phaeton , and to bring me back . When the day arrived , my very carpet-bag was an object of veneration to the stipendiary clerks , to whom the house at Norwood was a sacred mystery . One of them informed me that he had heard that Mr. Spenlow ate entirely off plate and china ; and another hinted at champagne being constantly on draught , after the usual custom of table-beer . The old clerk with the wig , whose name was Mr. Tiffey , had been down on business several times in the course of his career , and had on each occasion penetrated to the breakfast-parlour . He described it as an apartment of the most sumptuous nature , and said that he had drunk brown East India sherry there , of a quality so precious as to make a man wink . We had an adjourned cause in the Consistory that day -- about excommunicating a baker who had been objecting in a vestry to a paving-rate -- and as the evidence was just twice the length of Robinson Crusoe , according to a calculation I made , it was rather late in the day before we finished . However , we got him excommunicated for six weeks , and sentenced in no end of costs ; and then the baker 's proctor , and the judge , and the advocates on both sides ( who were all nearly related ) , went out of town together , and Mr. Spenlow and I drove away in the phaeton . The phaeton was a very handsome affair ; the horses arched their necks and lifted up their legs as if they knew they belonged to Doctors' Commons . There was a good deal of competition in the Commons on all points of display , and it turned out some very choice equipages then ; though I always have considered , and always shall consider , that in my time the great article of competition there was starch : which I think was worn among the proctors to as great an extent as it is in the nature of man to bear . We were very pleasant , going down , and Mr. Spenlow gave me some hints in reference to my profession . He said it was the genteelest profession in the world , and must on no account be confounded with the profession of a solicitor : being quite another sort of thing , infinitely more exclusive , less mechanical , and more profitable . We took things much more easily in the Commons than they could be taken anywhere else , he observed , and that set us , as a privileged class , apart . He said it was impossible to conceal the disagreeable fact , that we were chiefly employed by solicitors ; but he gave me to understand that they were an inferior race of men , universally looked down upon by all proctors of any pretensions . I asked Mr. Spenlow what he considered the best sort of professional business ? He replied , that a good case of a disputed will , where there was a neat little estate of thirty or forty thousand pounds , was , perhaps , the best of all . In such a case , he said , not only were there very pretty pickings , in the way of arguments at every stage of the proceedings , and mountains upon mountains of evidence on interrogatory and counter-interrogatory ( to say nothing of an appeal lying , first to the Delegates , and then to the Lords ) , but , the costs being pretty sure to come out of the estate at last , both sides went at it in a lively and spirited manner , and expense was no consideration . Then , he launched into a general eulogium on the Commons . What was to be particularly admired ( he said ) in the Commons , was its compactness . It was the most conveniently organized place in the world . It was the complete idea of snugness . It lay in a nutshell . For example : You brought a divorce case , or a restitution case , into the Consistory . Very good . You tried it in the Consistory . You made a quiet little round game of it , among a family group , and you played it out at leisure . Suppose you were not satisfied with the Consistory , what did you do then ? Why , you went into the Arches . What was the Arches ? The same court , in the same room , with the same bar , and the same practitioners , but another judge , for there the Consistory judge could plead any court-day as an advocate . Well , you played your round game out again . Still you were not satisfied . Very good . What did you do then ? Why , you went to the Delegates . Who were the Delegates ? Why , the Ecclesiastical Delegates were the advocates without any business , who had looked on at the round game when it was playing in both courts , and had seen the cards shuffled , and cut , and played , and had talked to all the players about it , and now came fresh , as judges , to settle the matter to the satisfaction of everybody ! Discontented people might talk of corruption in the Commons , closeness in the Commons , and the necessity of reforming the Commons , said Mr. Spenlow solemnly , in conclusion ; but when the price of wheat per bushel had been highest , the Commons had been busiest ; and a man might lay his hand upon his heart , and say this to the whole world , -- 'Touch the Commons , and down comes the country ! ' I listened to all this with attention ; and though , I must say , I had my doubts whether the country was quite as much obliged to the Commons as Mr. Spenlow made out , I respectfully deferred to his opinion . That about the price of wheat per bushel , I modestly felt was too much for my strength , and quite settled the question . I have never , to this hour , got the better of that bushel of wheat . It has reappeared to annihilate me , all through my life , in connexion with all kinds of subjects . I do n't know now , exactly , what it has to do with me , or what right it has to crush me , on an infinite variety of occasions ; but whenever I see my old friend the bushel brought in by the head and shoulders ( as he always is , I observe ) , I give up a subject for lost . This is a digression . I was not the man to touch the Commons , and bring down the country . I submissively expressed , by my silence , my acquiescence in all I had heard from my superior in years and knowledge ; and we talked about The Stranger and the Drama , and the pairs of horses , until we came to Mr. Spenlow 's gate . There was a lovely garden to Mr. Spenlow 's house ; and though that was not the best time of the year for seeing a garden , it was so beautifully kept , that I was quite enchanted . There was a charming lawn , there were clusters of trees , and there were perspective walks that I could just distinguish in the dark , arched over with trellis-work , on which shrubs and flowers grew in the growing season . 'Here Miss Spenlow walks by herself , ' I thought . 'Dear me ! ' We went into the house , which was cheerfully lighted up , and into a hall where there were all sorts of hats , caps , great-coats , plaids , gloves , whips , and walking-sticks . 'Where is Miss Dora ? ' said Mr. Spenlow to the servant . 'Dora ! ' I thought . 'What a beautiful name ! ' We turned into a room near at hand ( I think it was the identical breakfast-room , made memorable by the brown East Indian sherry ) , and I heard a voice say , 'Mr . Copperfield , my daughter Dora , and my daughter Dora 's confidential friend ! ' It was , no doubt , Mr. Spenlow 's voice , but I did n't know it , and I did n't care whose it was . All was over in a moment . I had fulfilled my destiny . I was a captive and a slave . I loved Dora Spenlow to distraction ! She was more than human to me . She was a Fairy , a Sylph , I don't know what she was -- anything that no one ever saw , and everything that everybody ever wanted . I was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant . There was no pausing on the brink ; no looking down , or looking back ; I was gone , headlong , before I had sense to say a word to her . 'I , ' observed a well-remembered voice , when I had bowed and murmured something , 'have seen Mr. Copperfield before . ' The speaker was not Dora . No ; the confidential friend , Miss Murdstone ! I do n't think I was much astonished . To the best of my judgement , no capacity of astonishment was left in me . There was nothing worth mentioning in the material world , but Dora Spenlow , to be astonished about . I said , 'How do you do , Miss Murdstone ? I hope you are well . ' She answered , 'Very well . ' I said , 'How is Mr . Murdstone ? ' She replied , 'My brother is robust , I am obliged to you . ' Mr. Spenlow , who , I suppose , had been surprised to see us recognize each other , then put in his word . 'I am glad to find , ' he said , 'Copperfield , that you and Miss Murdstone are already acquainted . ' 'Mr . Copperfield and myself , ' said Miss Murdstone , with severe composure , 'are connexions . We were once slightly acquainted . It was in his childish days . Circumstances have separated us since . I should not have known him . ' I replied that I should have known her , anywhere . Which was true enough . 'Miss Murdstone has had the goodness , ' said Mr. Spenlow to me , 'to accept the office -- if I may so describe it -- of my daughter Dora's confidential friend . My daughter Dora having , unhappily , no mother , Miss Murdstone is obliging enough to become her companion and protector . ' A passing thought occurred to me that Miss Murdstone , like the pocket instrument called a life-preserver , was not so much designed for purposes of protection as of assault . But as I had none but passing thoughts for any subject save Dora , I glanced at her , directly afterwards , and was thinking that I saw , in her prettily pettish manner , that she was not very much inclined to be particularly confidential to her companion and protector , when a bell rang , which Mr. Spenlow said was the first dinner-bell , and so carried me off to dress . The idea of dressing one 's self , or doing anything in the way of action , in that state of love , was a little too ridiculous . I could only sit down before my fire , biting the key of my carpet-bag , and think of the captivating , girlish , bright-eyed lovely Dora . What a form she had , what a face she had , what a graceful , variable , enchanting manner ! The bell rang again so soon that I made a mere scramble of my dressing , instead of the careful operation I could have wished under the circumstances , and went downstairs . There was some company . Dora was talking to an old gentleman with a grey head . Grey as he was -- and a great-grandfather into the bargain , for he said so -- I was madly jealous of him . What a state of mind I was in ! I was jealous of everybody . I couldn't bear the idea of anybody knowing Mr. Spenlow better than I did . It was torturing to me to hear them talk of occurrences in which I had had no share . When a most amiable person , with a highly polished bald head , asked me across the dinner table , if that were the first occasion of my seeing the grounds , I could have done anything to him that was savage and revengeful . I do n't remember who was there , except Dora . I have not the least idea what we had for dinner , besides Dora . My impression is , that I dined off Dora , entirely , and sent away half-a-dozen plates untouched . I sat next to her . I talked to her . She had the most delightful little voice , the gayest little laugh , the pleasantest and most fascinating little ways , that ever led a lost youth into hopeless slavery . She was rather diminutive altogether . So much the more precious , I thought . When she went out of the room with Miss Murdstone ( no other ladies were of the party ) , I fell into a reverie , only disturbed by the cruel apprehension that Miss Murdstone would disparage me to her . The amiable creature with the polished head told me a long story , which I think was about gardening . I think I heard him say , 'my gardener ' , several times . I seemed to pay the deepest attention to him , but I was wandering in a garden of Eden all the while , with Dora . My apprehensions of being disparaged to the object of my engrossing affection were revived when we went into the drawing-room , by the grim and distant aspect of Miss Murdstone . But I was relieved of them in an unexpected manner . 'David Copperfield , ' said Miss Murdstone , beckoning me aside into a window . 'A word . ' I confronted Miss Murdstone alone . 'David Copperfield , ' said Miss Murdstone , 'I need not enlarge upon family circumstances . They are not a tempting subject . ' 'Far from it , ma'am , ' I returned . 'Far from it , ' assented Miss Murdstone . 'I do not wish to revive the memory of past differences , or of past outrages . I have received outrages from a person -- a female I am sorry to say , for the credit of my sex -- who is not to be mentioned without scorn and disgust ; and therefore I would rather not mention her . ' I felt very fiery on my aunt 's account ; but I said it would certainly be better , if Miss Murdstone pleased , not to mention her . I could not hear her disrespectfully mentioned , I added , without expressing my opinion in a decided tone . Miss Murdstone shut her eyes , and disdainfully inclined her head ; then , slowly opening her eyes , resumed : 'David Copperfield , I shall not attempt to disguise the fact , that I formed an unfavourable opinion of you in your childhood . It may have been a mistaken one , or you may have ceased to justify it . That is not in question between us now . I belong to a family remarkable , I believe , for some firmness ; and I am not the creature of circumstance or change . I may have my opinion of you . You may have your opinion of me . ' I inclined my head , in my turn . 'But it is not necessary , ' said Miss Murdstone , 'that these opinions should come into collision here . Under existing circumstances , it is as well on all accounts that they should not . As the chances of life have brought us together again , and may bring us together on other occasions , I would say , let us meet here as distant acquaintances . Family circumstances are a sufficient reason for our only meeting on that footing , and it is quite unnecessary that either of us should make the other the subject of remark . Do you approve of this ? ' 'Miss Murdstone , ' I returned , 'I think you and Mr. Murdstone used me very cruelly , and treated my mother with great unkindness . I shall always think so , as long as I live . But I quite agree in what you propose . ' Miss Murdstone shut her eyes again , and bent her head . Then , just touching the back of my hand with the tips of her cold , stiff fingers , she walked away , arranging the little fetters on her wrists and round her neck ; which seemed to be the same set , in exactly the same state , as when I had seen her last . These reminded me , in reference to Miss Murdstone 's nature , of the fetters over a jail door ; suggesting on the outside , to all beholders , what was to be expected within . All I know of the rest of the evening is , that I heard the empress of my heart sing enchanted ballads in the French language , generally to the effect that , whatever was the matter , we ought always to dance , Ta ra la , Ta ra la ! accompanying herself on a glorified instrument , resembling a guitar . That I was lost in blissful delirium . That I refused refreshment . That my soul recoiled from punch particularly . That when Miss Murdstone took her into custody and led her away , she smiled and gave me her delicious hand . That I caught a view of myself in a mirror , looking perfectly imbecile and idiotic . That I retired to bed in a most maudlin state of mind , and got up in a crisis of feeble infatuation . It was a fine morning , and early , and I thought I would go and take a stroll down one of those wire-arched walks , and indulge my passion by dwelling on her image . On my way through the hall , I encountered her little dog , who was called Jip -- short for Gipsy . I approached him tenderly , for I loved even him ; but he showed his whole set of teeth , got under a chair expressly to snarl , and would n't hear of the least familiarity . The garden was cool and solitary . I walked about , wondering what my feelings of happiness would be , if I could ever become engaged to this dear wonder . As to marriage , and fortune , and all that , I believe I was almost as innocently undesigning then , as when I loved little Em'ly . To be allowed to call her 'Dora ' , to write to her , to dote upon and worship her , to have reason to think that when she was with other people she was yet mindful of me , seemed to me the summit of human ambition -- I am sure it was the summit of mine . There is no doubt whatever that I was a lackadaisical young spooney ; but there was a purity of heart in all this , that prevents my having quite a contemptuous recollection of it , let me laugh as I may . I had not been walking long , when I turned a corner , and met her . I tingle again from head to foot as my recollection turns that corner , and my pen shakes in my hand . 'You -- are -- out early , Miss Spenlow , ' said I . 'It 's so stupid at home , ' she replied , 'and Miss Murdstone is so absurd ! She talks such nonsense about its being necessary for the day to be aired , before I come out . Aired ! ' ( She laughed , here , in the most melodious manner . ) 'On a Sunday morning , when I do n't practise , I must do something . So I told papa last night I must come out . Besides , it's the brightest time of the whole day . Do n't you think so ? ' I hazarded a bold flight , and said ( not without stammering ) that it was very bright to me then , though it had been very dark to me a minute before . 'Do you mean a compliment ? ' said Dora , 'or that the weather has really changed ? ' I stammered worse than before , in replying that I meant no compliment , but the plain truth ; though I was not aware of any change having taken place in the weather . It was in the state of my own feelings , I added bashfully : to clench the explanation . I never saw such curls -- how could I , for there never were such curls ! -- as those she shook out to hide her blushes . As to the straw hat and blue ribbons which was on the top of the curls , if I could only have hung it up in my room in Buckingham Street , what a priceless possession it would have been ! 'You have just come home from Paris , ' said I . 'Yes , ' said she . 'Have you ever been there ? ' 'No . ' 'Oh ! I hope you 'll go soon ! You would like it so much ! ' Traces of deep-seated anguish appeared in my countenance . That she should hope I would go , that she should think it possible I could go , was insupportable . I depreciated Paris ; I depreciated France . I said I would n't leave England , under existing circumstances , for any earthly consideration . Nothing should induce me . In short , she was shaking the curls again , when the little dog came running along the walk to our relief . He was mortally jealous of me , and persisted in barking at me . She took him up in her arms -- oh my goodness ! -- and caressed him , but he persisted upon barking still . He would n't let me touch him , when I tried ; and then she beat him . It increased my sufferings greatly to see the pats she gave him for punishment on the bridge of his blunt nose , while he winked his eyes , and licked her hand , and still growled within himself like a little double-bass . At length he was quiet -- well he might be with her dimpled chin upon his head ! -- and we walked away to look at a greenhouse . 'You are not very intimate with Miss Murdstone , are you ? ' said Dora . -- 'My pet . ' ( The two last words were to the dog . Oh , if they had only been to me ! ) 'No , ' I replied . 'Not at all so . ' 'She is a tiresome creature , ' said Dora , pouting . 'I ca n't think what papa can have been about , when he chose such a vexatious thing to be my companion . Who wants a protector ? I am sure I do n't want a protector . Jip can protect me a great deal better than Miss Murdstone , -- ca n't you , Jip , dear ? ' He only winked lazily , when she kissed his ball of a head . 'Papa calls her my confidential friend , but I am sure she is no such thing -- is she , Jip ? We are not going to confide in any such cross people , Jip and I . We mean to bestow our confidence where we like , and to find out our own friends , instead of having them found out for us -- do n't we , Jip ? ' Jip made a comfortable noise , in answer , a little like a tea-kettle when it sings . As for me , every word was a new heap of fetters , riveted above the last . 'It is very hard , because we have not a kind Mama , that we are to have , instead , a sulky , gloomy old thing like Miss Murdstone , always following us about -- is n't it , Jip ? Never mind , Jip . We wo n't be confidential , and we 'll make ourselves as happy as we can in spite of her , and we 'll tease her , and not please her -- wo n't we , Jip ? ' If it had lasted any longer , I think I must have gone down on my knees on the gravel , with the probability before me of grazing them , and of being presently ejected from the premises besides . But , by good fortune the greenhouse was not far off , and these words brought us to it . It contained quite a show of beautiful geraniums . We loitered along in front of them , and Dora often stopped to admire this one or that one , and I stopped to admire the same one , and Dora , laughing , held the dog up childishly , to smell the flowers ; and if we were not all three in Fairyland , certainly I was . The scent of a geranium leaf , at this day , strikes me with a half comical half serious wonder as to what change has come over me in a moment ; and then I see a straw hat and blue ribbons , and a quantity of curls , and a little black dog being held up , in two slender arms , against a bank of blossoms and bright leaves . Miss Murdstone had been looking for us . She found us here ; and presented her uncongenial cheek , the little wrinkles in it filled with hair powder , to Dora to be kissed . Then she took Dora 's arm in hers , and marched us into breakfast as if it were a soldier 's funeral . How many cups of tea I drank , because Dora made it , I do n't know . But , I perfectly remember that I sat swilling tea until my whole nervous system , if I had had any in those days , must have gone by the board . By and by we went to church . Miss Murdstone was between Dora and me in the pew ; but I heard her sing , and the congregation vanished . A sermon was delivered -- about Dora , of course -- and I am afraid that is all I know of the service . We had a quiet day . No company , a walk , a family dinner of four , and an evening of looking over books and pictures ; Miss Murdstone with a homily before her , and her eye upon us , keeping guard vigilantly . Ah ! little did Mr. Spenlow imagine , when he sat opposite to me after dinner that day , with his pocket-handkerchief over his head , how fervently I was embracing him , in my fancy , as his son-in-law ! Little did he think , when I took leave of him at night , that he had just given his full consent to my being engaged to Dora , and that I was invoking blessings on his head ! We departed early in the morning , for we had a Salvage case coming on in the Admiralty Court , requiring a rather accurate knowledge of the whole science of navigation , in which ( as we could n't be expected to know much about those matters in the Commons ) the judge had entreated two old Trinity Masters , for charity 's sake , to come and help him out . Dora was at the breakfast-table to make the tea again , however ; and I had the melancholy pleasure of taking off my hat to her in the phaeton , as she stood on the door-step with Jip in her arms . What the Admiralty was to me that day ; what nonsense I made of our case in my mind , as I listened to it ; how I saw 'DORA ' engraved upon the blade of the silver oar which they lay upon the table , as the emblem of that high jurisdiction ; and how I felt when Mr. Spenlow went home without me ( I had had an insane hope that he might take me back again ) , as if I were a mariner myself , and the ship to which I belonged had sailed away and left me on a desert island ; I shall make no fruitless effort to describe . If that sleepy old court could rouse itself , and present in any visible form the daydreams I have had in it about Dora , it would reveal my truth . I do n't mean the dreams that I dreamed on that day alone , but day after day , from week to week , and term to term . I went there , not to attend to what was going on , but to think about Dora . If ever I bestowed a thought upon the cases , as they dragged their slow length before me , it was only to wonder , in the matrimonial cases ( remembering Dora ) , how it was that married people could ever be otherwise than happy ; and , in the Prerogative cases , to consider , if the money in question had been left to me , what were the foremost steps I should immediately have taken in regard to Dora . Within the first week of my passion , I bought four sumptuous waistcoats -- not for myself ; I had no pride in them ; for Dora -- and took to wearing straw-coloured kid gloves in the streets , and laid the foundations of all the corns I have ever had . If the boots I wore at that period could only be produced and compared with the natural size of my feet , they would show what the state of my heart was , in a most affecting manner . And yet , wretched cripple as I made myself by this act of homage to Dora , I walked miles upon miles daily in the hope of seeing her . Not only was I soon as well known on the Norwood Road as the postmen on that beat , but I pervaded London likewise . I walked about the streets where the best shops for ladies were , I haunted the Bazaar like an unquiet spirit , I fagged through the Park again and again , long after I was quite knocked up . Sometimes , at long intervals and on rare occasions , I saw her . Perhaps I saw her glove waved in a carriage window ; perhaps I met her , walked with her and Miss Murdstone a little way , and spoke to her . In the latter case I was always very miserable afterwards , to think that I had said nothing to the purpose ; or that she had no idea of the extent of my devotion , or that she cared nothing about me . I was always looking out , as may be supposed , for another invitation to Mr. Spenlow's house . I was always being disappointed , for I got none . Mrs. Crupp must have been a woman of penetration ; for when this attachment was but a few weeks old , and I had not had the courage to write more explicitly even to Agnes , than that I had been to Mr. Spenlow 's house , 'whose family , ' I added , 'consists of one daughter ' ; -- I say Mrs. Crupp must have been a woman of penetration , for , even in that early stage , she found it out . She came up to me one evening , when I was very low , to ask ( she being then afflicted with the disorder I have mentioned ) if I could oblige her with a little tincture of cardamums mixed with rhubarb , and flavoured with seven drops of the essence of cloves , which was the best remedy for her complaint ; -- or , if I had not such a thing by me , with a little brandy , which was the next best . It was not , she remarked , so palatable to her , but it was the next best . As I had never even heard of the first remedy , and always had the second in the closet , I gave Mrs. Crupp a glass of the second , which ( that I might have no suspicion of its being devoted to any improper use ) she began to take in my presence . 'Cheer up , sir , ' said Mrs. Crupp . 'I ca n't abear to see you so , sir : I'm a mother myself . ' I did not quite perceive the application of this fact to myself , but I smiled on Mrs. Crupp , as benignly as was in my power . 'Come , sir , ' said Mrs. Crupp . 'Excuse me . I know what it is , sir . There 's a lady in the case . ' 'Mrs . Crupp ? ' I returned , reddening . 'Oh , bless you ! Keep a good heart , sir ! ' said Mrs. Crupp , nodding encouragement . 'Never say die , sir ! If She do n't smile upon you , there 's a many as will . You are a young gentleman to be smiled on , Mr. Copperfull , and you must learn your walue , sir . ' Mrs. Crupp always called me Mr. Copperfull : firstly , no doubt , because it was not my name ; and secondly , I am inclined to think , in some indistinct association with a washing-day . 'What makes you suppose there is any young lady in the case , Mrs . Crupp ? ' said I . 'Mr . Copperfull , ' said Mrs. Crupp , with a great deal of feeling , 'I 'm a mother myself . ' For some time Mrs. Crupp could only lay her hand upon her nankeen bosom , and fortify herself against returning pain with sips of her medicine . At length she spoke again . 'When the present set were took for you by your dear aunt , Mr. Copperfull , ' said Mrs. Crupp , 'my remark were , I had now found summun I could care for . `` Thank Ev'in ! '' were the expression , `` I have now found summun I can care for ! '' -- You do n't eat enough , sir , nor yet drink . ' 'Is that what you found your supposition on , Mrs . Crupp ? ' said I . 'Sir , ' said Mrs. Crupp , in a tone approaching to severity , 'I've laundressed other young gentlemen besides yourself . A young gentleman may be over-careful of himself , or he may be under-careful of himself . He may brush his hair too regular , or too un-regular . He may wear his boots much too large for him , or much too small . That is according as the young gentleman has his original character formed . But let him go to which extreme he may , sir , there 's a young lady in both of 'em . ' Mrs. Crupp shook her head in such a determined manner , that I had not an inch of vantage-ground left . 'It was but the gentleman which died here before yourself , ' said Mrs. Crupp , 'that fell in love -- with a barmaid -- and had his waistcoats took in directly , though much swelled by drinking . ' 'Mrs . Crupp , ' said I , 'I must beg you not to connect the young lady in my case with a barmaid , or anything of that sort , if you please . ' 'Mr . Copperfull , ' returned Mrs. Crupp , 'I 'm a mother myself , and not likely . I ask your pardon , sir , if I intrude . I should never wish to intrude where I were not welcome . But you are a young gentleman , Mr. Copperfull , and my adwice to you is , to cheer up , sir , to keep a good heart , and to know your own walue . If you was to take to something , sir , ' said Mrs. Crupp , 'if you was to take to skittles , now , which is healthy , you might find it divert your mind , and do you good . ' With these words , Mrs. Crupp , affecting to be very careful of the brandy -- which was all gone -- thanked me with a majestic curtsey , and retired . As her figure disappeared into the gloom of the entry , this counsel certainly presented itself to my mind in the light of a slight liberty on Mrs. Crupp 's part ; but , at the same time , I was content to receive it , in another point of view , as a word to the wise , and a warning in future to keep my secret better . CHAPTER 27 . TOMMY TRADDLES It may have been in consequence of Mrs. Crupp 's advice , and , perhaps , for no better reason than because there was a certain similarity in the sound of the word skittles and Traddles , that it came into my head , next day , to go and look after Traddles . The time he had mentioned was more than out , and he lived in a little street near the Veterinary College at Camden Town , which was principally tenanted , as one of our clerks who lived in that direction informed me , by gentlemen students , who bought live donkeys , and made experiments on those quadrupeds in their private apartments . Having obtained from this clerk a direction to the academic grove in question , I set out , the same afternoon , to visit my old schoolfellow . I found that the street was not as desirable a one as I could have wished it to be , for the sake of Traddles . The inhabitants appeared to have a propensity to throw any little trifles they were not in want of , into the road : which not only made it rank and sloppy , but untidy too , on account of the cabbage-leaves . The refuse was not wholly vegetable either , for I myself saw a shoe , a doubled-up saucepan , a black bonnet , and an umbrella , in various stages of decomposition , as I was looking out for the number I wanted . The general air of the place reminded me forcibly of the days when I lived with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber . An indescribable character of faded gentility that attached to the house I sought , and made it unlike all the other houses in the street -- though they were all built on one monotonous pattern , and looked like the early copies of a blundering boy who was learning to make houses , and had not yet got out of his cramped brick-and-mortar pothooks -- reminded me still more of Mr. and Mrs. Micawber . Happening to arrive at the door as it was opened to the afternoon milkman , I was reminded of Mr. and Mrs. Micawber more forcibly yet . 'Now , ' said the milkman to a very youthful servant girl . 'Has that there little bill of mine been heerd on ? ' 'Oh , master says he 'll attend to it immediate , ' was the reply . 'Because , ' said the milkman , going on as if he had received no answer , and speaking , as I judged from his tone , rather for the edification of somebody within the house , than of the youthful servant -- an impression which was strengthened by his manner of glaring down the passage -- 'because that there little bill has been running so long , that I begin to believe it 's run away altogether , and never wo n't be heerd of . Now , I 'm not a going to stand it , you know ! ' said the milkman , still throwing his voice into the house , and glaring down the passage . As to his dealing in the mild article of milk , by the by , there never was a greater anomaly . His deportment would have been fierce in a butcher or a brandy-merchant . The voice of the youthful servant became faint , but she seemed to me , from the action of her lips , again to murmur that it would be attended to immediate . 'I tell you what , ' said the milkman , looking hard at her for the first time , and taking her by the chin , 'are you fond of milk ? ' 'Yes , I likes it , ' she replied . 'Good , ' said the milkman . 'Then you wo n't have none tomorrow . D 'ye hear ? Not a fragment of milk you won't have tomorrow . ' I thought she seemed , upon the whole , relieved by the prospect of having any today . The milkman , after shaking his head at her darkly , released her chin , and with anything rather than good-will opened his can , and deposited the usual quantity in the family jug . This done , he went away , muttering , and uttered the cry of his trade next door , in a vindictive shriek . 'Does Mr. Traddles live here ? ' I then inquired . A mysterious voice from the end of the passage replied 'Yes . ' Upon which the youthful servant replied 'Yes . ' 'Is he at home ? ' said I . Again the mysterious voice replied in the affirmative , and again the servant echoed it . Upon this , I walked in , and in pursuance of the servant 's directions walked upstairs ; conscious , as I passed the back parlour-door , that I was surveyed by a mysterious eye , probably belonging to the mysterious voice . When I got to the top of the stairs -- the house was only a story high above the ground floor -- Traddles was on the landing to meet me . He was delighted to see me , and gave me welcome , with great heartiness , to his little room . It was in the front of the house , and extremely neat , though sparely furnished . It was his only room , I saw ; for there was a sofa-bedstead in it , and his blacking-brushes and blacking were among his books -- on the top shelf , behind a dictionary . His table was covered with papers , and he was hard at work in an old coat . I looked at nothing , that I know of , but I saw everything , even to the prospect of a church upon his china inkstand , as I sat down -- and this , too , was a faculty confirmed in me in the old Micawber times . Various ingenious arrangements he had made , for the disguise of his chest of drawers , and the accommodation of his boots , his shaving-glass , and so forth , particularly impressed themselves upon me , as evidences of the same Traddles who used to make models of elephants ' dens in writing-paper to put flies in ; and to comfort himself under ill usage , with the memorable works of art I have so often mentioned . In a corner of the room was something neatly covered up with a large white cloth . I could not make out what that was . 'Traddles , ' said I , shaking hands with him again , after I had sat down , 'I am delighted to see you . ' 'I am delighted to see YOU , Copperfield , ' he returned . 'I am very glad indeed to see you . It was because I was thoroughly glad to see you when we met in Ely Place , and was sure you were thoroughly glad to see me , that I gave you this address instead of my address at chambers . ' 'Oh ! You have chambers ? ' said I . 'Why , I have the fourth of a room and a passage , and the fourth of a clerk , ' returned Traddles . 'Three others and myself unite to have a set of chambers -- to look business-like -- and we quarter the clerk too . Half-a-crown a week he costs me . ' His old simple character and good temper , and something of his old unlucky fortune also , I thought , smiled at me in the smile with which he made this explanation . 'It 's not because I have the least pride , Copperfield , you understand , ' said Traddles , 'that I do n't usually give my address here . It 's only on account of those who come to me , who might not like to come here . For myself , I am fighting my way on in the world against difficulties , and it would be ridiculous if I made a pretence of doing anything else . ' 'You are reading for the bar , Mr. Waterbrook informed me ? ' said I . 'Why , yes , ' said Traddles , rubbing his hands slowly over one another . 'I am reading for the bar . The fact is , I have just begun to keep my terms , after rather a long delay . It 's some time since I was articled , but the payment of that hundred pounds was a great pull . A great pull ! ' said Traddles , with a wince , as if he had had a tooth out . 'Do you know what I ca n't help thinking of , Traddles , as I sit here looking at you ? ' I asked him . 'No , ' said he . 'That sky-blue suit you used to wear . ' 'Lord , to be sure ! ' cried Traddles , laughing . 'Tight in the arms and legs , you know ? Dear me ! Well ! Those were happy times , were n't they ? ' 'I think our schoolmaster might have made them happier , without doing any harm to any of us , I acknowledge , ' I returned . 'Perhaps he might , ' said Traddles . 'But dear me , there was a good deal of fun going on . Do you remember the nights in the bedroom ? When we used to have the suppers ? And when you used to tell the stories ? Ha , ha , ha ! And do you remember when I got caned for crying about Mr. Mell ? Old Creakle ! I should like to see him again , too ! ' 'He was a brute to you , Traddles , ' said I , indignantly ; for his good humour made me feel as if I had seen him beaten but yesterday . 'Do you think so ? ' returned Traddles . 'Really ? Perhaps he was rather . But it 's all over , a long while . Old Creakle ! ' 'You were brought up by an uncle , then ? ' said I . 'Of course I was ! ' said Traddles . 'The one I was always going to write to . And always did n't , eh ! Ha , ha , ha ! Yes , I had an uncle then . He died soon after I left school . ' 'Indeed ! ' 'Yes . He was a retired -- what do you call it ! -- draper -- cloth-merchant -- and had made me his heir . But he didn't like me when I grew up . ' 'Do you really mean that ? ' said I . He was so composed , that I fancied he must have some other meaning . 'Oh dear , yes , Copperfield ! I mean it , ' replied Traddles . 'It was an unfortunate thing , but he did n't like me at all . He said I was n't at all what he expected , and so he married his housekeeper . ' 'And what did you do ? ' I asked . 'I did n't do anything in particular , ' said Traddles . 'I lived with them , waiting to be put out in the world , until his gout unfortunately flew to his stomach -- and so he died , and so she married a young man , and so I was n't provided for . ' 'Did you get nothing , Traddles , after all ? ' 'Oh dear , yes ! ' said Traddles . 'I got fifty pounds . I had never been brought up to any profession , and at first I was at a loss what to do for myself . However , I began , with the assistance of the son of a professional man , who had been to Salem House -- Yawler , with his nose on one side . Do you recollect him ? ' No . He had not been there with me ; all the noses were straight in my day . 'It do n't matter , ' said Traddles . 'I began , by means of his assistance , to copy law writings . That did n't answer very well ; and then I began to state cases for them , and make abstracts , and that sort of work . For I am a plodding kind of fellow , Copperfield , and had learnt the way of doing such things pithily . Well ! That put it in my head to enter myself as a law student ; and that ran away with all that was left of the fifty pounds . Yawler recommended me to one or two other offices , however -- Mr. Waterbrook 's for one -- and I got a good many jobs . I was fortunate enough , too , to become acquainted with a person in the publishing way , who was getting up an Encyclopaedia , and he set me to work ; and , indeed' ( glancing at his table ) , 'I am at work for him at this minute . I am not a bad compiler , Copperfield , ' said Traddles , preserving the same air of cheerful confidence in all he said , 'but I have no invention at all ; not a particle . I suppose there never was a young man with less originality than I have . ' As Traddles seemed to expect that I should assent to this as a matter of course , I nodded ; and he went on , with the same sprightly patience -- I can find no better expression -- as before . 'So , by little and little , and not living high , I managed to scrape up the hundred pounds at last , ' said Traddles ; 'and thank Heaven that's paid -- though it was -- though it certainly was , ' said Traddles , wincing again as if he had had another tooth out , 'a pull . I am living by the sort of work I have mentioned , still , and I hope , one of these days , to get connected with some newspaper : which would almost be the making of my fortune . Now , Copperfield , you are so exactly what you used to be , with that agreeable face , and it 's so pleasant to see you , that I sha'n't conceal anything . Therefore you must know that I am engaged . ' Engaged ! Oh , Dora ! 'She is a curate 's daughter , ' said Traddles ; 'one of ten , down in Devonshire . Yes ! ' For he saw me glance , involuntarily , at the prospect on the inkstand . 'That 's the church ! You come round here to the left , out of this gate , ' tracing his finger along the inkstand , 'and exactly where I hold this pen , there stands the house -- facing , you understand , towards the church . ' The delight with which he entered into these particulars , did not fully present itself to me until afterwards ; for my selfish thoughts were making a ground-plan of Mr. Spenlow 's house and garden at the same moment . 'She is such a dear girl ! ' said Traddles ; 'a little older than me , but the dearest girl ! I told you I was going out of town ? I have been down there . I walked there , and I walked back , and I had the most delightful time ! I dare say ours is likely to be a rather long engagement , but our motto is `` Wait and hope ! '' We always say that . `` Wait and hope , '' we always say . And she would wait , Copperfield , till she was sixty -- any age you can mention -- for me ! ' Traddles rose from his chair , and , with a triumphant smile , put his hand upon the white cloth I had observed . 'However , ' he said , 'it 's not that we have n't made a beginning towards housekeeping . No , no ; we have begun . We must get on by degrees , but we have begun . Here , ' drawing the cloth off with great pride and care , 'are two pieces of furniture to commence with . This flower-pot and stand , she bought herself . You put that in a parlour window , ' said Traddles , falling a little back from it to survey it with the greater admiration , 'with a plant in it , and -- and there you are ! This little round table with the marble top ( it 's two feet ten in circumference ) , I bought . You want to lay a book down , you know , or somebody comes to see you or your wife , and wants a place to stand a cup of tea upon , and -- and there you are again ! ' said Traddles . 'It 's an admirable piece of workmanship -- firm as a rock ! ' I praised them both , highly , and Traddles replaced the covering as carefully as he had removed it . 'It 's not a great deal towards the furnishing , ' said Traddles , 'but it 's something . The table-cloths , and pillow-cases , and articles of that kind , are what discourage me most , Copperfield . So does the ironmongery -- candle-boxes , and gridirons , and that sort of necessaries -- because those things tell , and mount up . However , `` wait and hope ! '' And I assure you she 's the dearest girl ! ' 'I am quite certain of it , ' said I . 'In the meantime , ' said Traddles , coming back to his chair ; 'and this is the end of my prosing about myself , I get on as well as I can . I don't make much , but I do n't spend much . In general , I board with the people downstairs , who are very agreeable people indeed . Both Mr. and Mrs. Micawber have seen a good deal of life , and are excellent company . ' 'My dear Traddles ! ' I quickly exclaimed . 'What are you talking about ? ' Traddles looked at me , as if he wondered what I was talking about . 'Mr . and Mrs . Micawber ! ' I repeated . 'Why , I am intimately acquainted with them ! ' An opportune double knock at the door , which I knew well from old experience in Windsor Terrace , and which nobody but Mr. Micawber could ever have knocked at that door , resolved any doubt in my mind as to their being my old friends . I begged Traddles to ask his landlord to walk up . Traddles accordingly did so , over the banister ; and Mr. Micawber , not a bit changed -- his tights , his stick , his shirt-collar , and his eye-glass , all the same as ever -- came into the room with a genteel and youthful air . 'I beg your pardon , Mr. Traddles , ' said Mr. Micawber , with the old roll in his voice , as he checked himself in humming a soft tune . 'I was not aware that there was any individual , alien to this tenement , in your sanctum . ' Mr. Micawber slightly bowed to me , and pulled up his shirt-collar . 'How do you do , Mr . Micawber ? ' said I . 'Sir , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'you are exceedingly obliging . I am in statu quo . ' 'And Mrs . Micawber ? ' I pursued . 'Sir , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'she is also , thank God , in statu quo . ' 'And the children , Mr . Micawber ? ' 'Sir , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'I rejoice to reply that they are , likewise , in the enjoyment of salubrity . ' All this time , Mr. Micawber had not known me in the least , though he had stood face to face with me . But now , seeing me smile , he examined my features with more attention , fell back , cried , 'Is it possible ! Have I the pleasure of again beholding Copperfield ! ' and shook me by both hands with the utmost fervour . 'Good Heaven , Mr . Traddles ! ' said Mr. Micawber , 'to think that I should find you acquainted with the friend of my youth , the companion of earlier days ! My dear ! ' calling over the banisters to Mrs. Micawber , while Traddles looked ( with reason ) not a little amazed at this description of me . 'Here is a gentleman in Mr. Traddles 's apartment , whom he wishes to have the pleasure of presenting to you , my love ! ' Mr. Micawber immediately reappeared , and shook hands with me again . 'And how is our good friend the Doctor , Copperfield ? ' said Mr. Micawber , 'and all the circle at Canterbury ? ' 'I have none but good accounts of them , ' said I . 'I am most delighted to hear it , ' said Mr. Micawber . 'It was at Canterbury where we last met . Within the shadow , I may figuratively say , of that religious edifice immortalized by Chaucer , which was anciently the resort of Pilgrims from the remotest corners of -- in short , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'in the immediate neighbourhood of the Cathedral . ' I replied that it was . Mr. Micawber continued talking as volubly as he could ; but not , I thought , without showing , by some marks of concern in his countenance , that he was sensible of sounds in the next room , as of Mrs. Micawber washing her hands , and hurriedly opening and shutting drawers that were uneasy in their action . 'You find us , Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , with one eye on Traddles , 'at present established , on what may be designated as a small and unassuming scale ; but , you are aware that I have , in the course of my career , surmounted difficulties , and conquered obstacles . You are no stranger to the fact , that there have been periods of my life , when it has been requisite that I should pause , until certain expected events should turn up ; when it has been necessary that I should fall back , before making what I trust I shall not be accused of presumption in terming -- a spring . The present is one of those momentous stages in the life of man . You find me , fallen back , FOR a spring ; and I have every reason to believe that a vigorous leap will shortly be the result . ' I was expressing my satisfaction , when Mrs. Micawber came in ; a little more slatternly than she used to be , or so she seemed now , to my unaccustomed eyes , but still with some preparation of herself for company , and with a pair of brown gloves on . 'My dear , ' said Mr. Micawber , leading her towards me , 'here is a gentleman of the name of Copperfield , who wishes to renew his acquaintance with you . ' It would have been better , as it turned out , to have led gently up to this announcement , for Mrs. Micawber , being in a delicate state of health , was overcome by it , and was taken so unwell , that Mr. Micawber was obliged , in great trepidation , to run down to the water-butt in the backyard , and draw a basinful to lave her brow with . She presently revived , however , and was really pleased to see me . We had half-an-hour 's talk , all together ; and I asked her about the twins , who , she said , were 'grown great creatures ' ; and after Master and Miss Micawber , whom she described as 'absolute giants ' , but they were not produced on that occasion . Mr. Micawber was very anxious that I should stay to dinner . I should not have been averse to do so , but that I imagined I detected trouble , and calculation relative to the extent of the cold meat , in Mrs. Micawber's eye . I therefore pleaded another engagement ; and observing that Mrs. Micawber 's spirits were immediately lightened , I resisted all persuasion to forego it . But I told Traddles , and Mr. and Mrs. Micawber , that before I could think of leaving , they must appoint a day when they would come and dine with me . The occupations to which Traddles stood pledged , rendered it necessary to fix a somewhat distant one ; but an appointment was made for the purpose , that suited us all , and then I took my leave . Mr. Micawber , under pretence of showing me a nearer way than that by which I had come , accompanied me to the corner of the street ; being anxious ( he explained to me ) to say a few words to an old friend , in confidence . 'My dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'I need hardly tell you that to have beneath our roof , under existing circumstances , a mind like that which gleams -- if I may be allowed the expression -- which gleams -- in your friend Traddles , is an unspeakable comfort . With a washerwoman , who exposes hard-bake for sale in her parlour-window , dwelling next door , and a Bow-street officer residing over the way , you may imagine that his society is a source of consolation to myself and to Mrs. Micawber . I am at present , my dear Copperfield , engaged in the sale of corn upon commission . It is not an avocation of a remunerative description -- in other words , it does not pay -- and some temporary embarrassments of a pecuniary nature have been the consequence . I am , however , delighted to add that I have now an immediate prospect of something turning up ( I am not at liberty to say in what direction ) , which I trust will enable me to provide , permanently , both for myself and for your friend Traddles , in whom I have an unaffected interest . You may , perhaps , be prepared to hear that Mrs. Micawber is in a state of health which renders it not wholly improbable that an addition may be ultimately made to those pledges of affection which -- in short , to the infantine group . Mrs. Micawber 's family have been so good as to express their dissatisfaction at this state of things . I have merely to observe , that I am not aware that it is any business of theirs , and that I repel that exhibition of feeling with scorn , and with defiance ! ' Mr. Micawber then shook hands with me again , and left me . CHAPTER 28 . Mr. MICAWBER 'S GAUNTLET Until the day arrived on which I was to entertain my newly-found old friends , I lived principally on Dora and coffee . In my love-lorn condition , my appetite languished ; and I was glad of it , for I felt as though it would have been an act of perfidy towards Dora to have a natural relish for my dinner . The quantity of walking exercise I took , was not in this respect attended with its usual consequence , as the disappointment counteracted the fresh air . I have my doubts , too , founded on the acute experience acquired at this period of my life , whether a sound enjoyment of animal food can develop itself freely in any human subject who is always in torment from tight boots . I think the extremities require to be at peace before the stomach will conduct itself with vigour . On the occasion of this domestic little party , I did not repeat my former extensive preparations . I merely provided a pair of soles , a small leg of mutton , and a pigeon-pie . Mrs. Crupp broke out into rebellion on my first bashful hint in reference to the cooking of the fish and joint , and said , with a dignified sense of injury , 'No ! No , sir ! You will not ask me sich a thing , for you are better acquainted with me than to suppose me capable of doing what I can not do with ampial satisfaction to my own feelings ! ' But , in the end , a compromise was effected ; and Mrs. Crupp consented to achieve this feat , on condition that I dined from home for a fortnight afterwards . And here I may remark , that what I underwent from Mrs. Crupp , in consequence of the tyranny she established over me , was dreadful . I never was so much afraid of anyone . We made a compromise of everything . If I hesitated , she was taken with that wonderful disorder which was always lying in ambush in her system , ready , at the shortest notice , to prey upon her vitals . If I rang the bell impatiently , after half-a-dozen unavailing modest pulls , and she appeared at last -- which was not by any means to be relied upon -- she would appear with a reproachful aspect , sink breathless on a chair near the door , lay her hand upon her nankeen bosom , and become so ill , that I was glad , at any sacrifice of brandy or anything else , to get rid of her . If I objected to having my bed made at five o'clock in the afternoon -- which I do still think an uncomfortable arrangement -- one motion of her hand towards the same nankeen region of wounded sensibility was enough to make me falter an apology . In short , I would have done anything in an honourable way rather than give Mrs. Crupp offence ; and she was the terror of my life . I bought a second-hand dumb-waiter for this dinner-party , in preference to re-engaging the handy young man ; against whom I had conceived a prejudice , in consequence of meeting him in the Strand , one Sunday morning , in a waistcoat remarkably like one of mine , which had been missing since the former occasion . The 'young gal ' was re-engaged ; but on the stipulation that she should only bring in the dishes , and then withdraw to the landing-place , beyond the outer door ; where a habit of sniffing she had contracted would be lost upon the guests , and where her retiring on the plates would be a physical impossibility . Having laid in the materials for a bowl of punch , to be compounded by Mr. Micawber ; having provided a bottle of lavender-water , two wax-candles , a paper of mixed pins , and a pincushion , to assist Mrs. Micawber in her toilette at my dressing-table ; having also caused the fire in my bedroom to be lighted for Mrs. Micawber 's convenience ; and having laid the cloth with my own hands , I awaited the result with composure . At the appointed time , my three visitors arrived together . Mr. Micawber with more shirt-collar than usual , and a new ribbon to his eye-glass ; Mrs. Micawber with her cap in a whitey-brown paper parcel ; Traddles carrying the parcel , and supporting Mrs. Micawber on his arm . They were all delighted with my residence . When I conducted Mrs. Micawber to my dressing-table , and she saw the scale on which it was prepared for her , she was in such raptures , that she called Mr. Micawber to come in and look . 'My dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'this is luxurious . This is a way of life which reminds me of the period when I was myself in a state of celibacy , and Mrs. Micawber had not yet been solicited to plight her faith at the Hymeneal altar . ' 'He means , solicited by him , Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , archly . 'He can not answer for others . ' 'My dear , ' returned Mr. Micawber with sudden seriousness , 'I have no desire to answer for others . I am too well aware that when , in the inscrutable decrees of Fate , you were reserved for me , it is possible you may have been reserved for one , destined , after a protracted struggle , at length to fall a victim to pecuniary involvements of a complicated nature . I understand your allusion , my love . I regret it , but I can bear it . ' 'Micawber ! ' exclaimed Mrs. Micawber , in tears . 'Have I deserved this ! I , who never have deserted you ; who never WILL desert you , Micawber ! ' 'My love , ' said Mr. Micawber , much affected , 'you will forgive , and our old and tried friend Copperfield will , I am sure , forgive , the momentary laceration of a wounded spirit , made sensitive by a recent collision with the Minion of Power -- in other words , with a ribald Turncock attached to the water-works -- and will pity , not condemn , its excesses . ' Mr. Micawber then embraced Mrs. Micawber , and pressed my hand ; leaving me to infer from this broken allusion that his domestic supply of water had been cut off that afternoon , in consequence of default in the payment of the company 's rates . To divert his thoughts from this melancholy subject , I informed Mr. Micawber that I relied upon him for a bowl of punch , and led him to the lemons . His recent despondency , not to say despair , was gone in a moment . I never saw a man so thoroughly enjoy himself amid the fragrance of lemon-peel and sugar , the odour of burning rum , and the steam of boiling water , as Mr. Micawber did that afternoon . It was wonderful to see his face shining at us out of a thin cloud of these delicate fumes , as he stirred , and mixed , and tasted , and looked as if he were making , instead of punch , a fortune for his family down to the latest posterity . As to Mrs. Micawber , I do n't know whether it was the effect of the cap , or the lavender-water , or the pins , or the fire , or the wax-candles , but she came out of my room , comparatively speaking , lovely . And the lark was never gayer than that excellent woman . I suppose -- I never ventured to inquire , but I suppose -- that Mrs. Crupp , after frying the soles , was taken ill. Because we broke down at that point . The leg of mutton came up very red within , and very pale without : besides having a foreign substance of a gritty nature sprinkled over it , as if if had had a fall into the ashes of that remarkable kitchen fireplace . But we were not in condition to judge of this fact from the appearance of the gravy , forasmuch as the 'young gal ' had dropped it all upon the stairs -- where it remained , by the by , in a long train , until it was worn out . The pigeon-pie was not bad , but it was a delusive pie : the crust being like a disappointing head , phrenologically speaking : full of lumps and bumps , with nothing particular underneath . In short , the banquet was such a failure that I should have been quite unhappy -- about the failure , I mean , for I was always unhappy about Dora -- if I had not been relieved by the great good humour of my company , and by a bright suggestion from Mr. Micawber . 'My dear friend Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'accidents will occur in the best-regulated families ; and in families not regulated by that pervading influence which sanctifies while it enhances the -- a -- I would say , in short , by the influence of Woman , in the lofty character of Wife , they may be expected with confidence , and must be borne with philosophy . If you will allow me to take the liberty of remarking that there are few comestibles better , in their way , than a Devil , and that I believe , with a little division of labour , we could accomplish a good one if the young person in attendance could produce a gridiron , I would put it to you , that this little misfortune may be easily repaired . ' There was a gridiron in the pantry , on which my morning rasher of bacon was cooked . We had it in , in a twinkling , and immediately applied ourselves to carrying Mr. Micawber 's idea into effect . The division of labour to which he had referred was this : -- Traddles cut the mutton into slices ; Mr. Micawber ( who could do anything of this sort to perfection ) covered them with pepper , mustard , salt , and cayenne ; I put them on the gridiron , turned them with a fork , and took them off , under Mr. Micawber 's direction ; and Mrs. Micawber heated , and continually stirred , some mushroom ketchup in a little saucepan . When we had slices enough done to begin upon , we fell-to , with our sleeves still tucked up at the wrist , more slices sputtering and blazing on the fire , and our attention divided between the mutton on our plates , and the mutton then preparing . What with the novelty of this cookery , the excellence of it , the bustle of it , the frequent starting up to look after it , the frequent sitting down to dispose of it as the crisp slices came off the gridiron hot and hot , the being so busy , so flushed with the fire , so amused , and in the midst of such a tempting noise and savour , we reduced the leg of mutton to the bone . My own appetite came back miraculously . I am ashamed to record it , but I really believe I forgot Dora for a little while . I am satisfied that Mr. and Mrs. Micawber could not have enjoyed the feast more , if they had sold a bed to provide it . Traddles laughed as heartily , almost the whole time , as he ate and worked . Indeed we all did , all at once ; and I dare say there was never a greater success . We were at the height of our enjoyment , and were all busily engaged , in our several departments , endeavouring to bring the last batch of slices to a state of perfection that should crown the feast , when I was aware of a strange presence in the room , and my eyes encountered those of the staid Littimer , standing hat in hand before me . 'What 's the matter ? ' I involuntarily asked . 'I beg your pardon , sir , I was directed to come in . Is my master not here , sir ? ' 'No . ' 'Have you not seen him , sir ? ' 'No ; do n't you come from him ? ' 'Not immediately so , sir . ' 'Did he tell you you would find him here ? ' 'Not exactly so , sir . But I should think he might be here tomorrow , as he has not been here today . ' 'Is he coming up from Oxford ? ' 'I beg , sir , ' he returned respectfully , 'that you will be seated , and allow me to do this . ' With which he took the fork from my unresisting hand , and bent over the gridiron , as if his whole attention were concentrated on it . We should not have been much discomposed , I dare say , by the appearance of Steerforth himself , but we became in a moment the meekest of the meek before his respectable serving-man . Mr. Micawber , humming a tune , to show that he was quite at ease , subsided into his chair , with the handle of a hastily concealed fork sticking out of the bosom of his coat , as if he had stabbed himself . Mrs. Micawber put on her brown gloves , and assumed a genteel languor . Traddles ran his greasy hands through his hair , and stood it bolt upright , and stared in confusion on the table-cloth . As for me , I was a mere infant at the head of my own table ; and hardly ventured to glance at the respectable phenomenon , who had come from Heaven knows where , to put my establishment to rights . Meanwhile he took the mutton off the gridiron , and gravely handed it round . We all took some , but our appreciation of it was gone , and we merely made a show of eating it . As we severally pushed away our plates , he noiselessly removed them , and set on the cheese . He took that off , too , when it was done with ; cleared the table ; piled everything on the dumb-waiter ; gave us our wine-glasses ; and , of his own accord , wheeled the dumb-waiter into the pantry . All this was done in a perfect manner , and he never raised his eyes from what he was about . Yet his very elbows , when he had his back towards me , seemed to teem with the expression of his fixed opinion that I was extremely young . 'Can I do anything more , sir ? ' I thanked him and said , No ; but would he take no dinner himself ? 'None , I am obliged to you , sir . ' 'Is Mr. Steerforth coming from Oxford ? ' 'I beg your pardon , sir ? ' 'Is Mr. Steerforth coming from Oxford ? ' 'I should imagine that he might be here tomorrow , sir . I rather thought he might have been here today , sir . The mistake is mine , no doubt , sir . ' 'If you should see him first -- ' said I . 'If you 'll excuse me , sir , I do n't think I shall see him first . ' 'In case you do , ' said I , 'pray say that I am sorry he was not here today , as an old schoolfellow of his was here . ' 'Indeed , sir ! ' and he divided a bow between me and Traddles , with a glance at the latter . He was moving softly to the door , when , in a forlorn hope of saying something naturally -- which I never could , to this man -- I said : 'Oh ! Littimer ! ' 'Sir ! ' 'Did you remain long at Yarmouth , that time ? ' 'Not particularly so , sir . ' 'You saw the boat completed ? ' 'Yes , sir . I remained behind on purpose to see the boat completed . ' 'I know ! ' He raised his eyes to mine respectfully . 'Mr . Steerforth has not seen it yet , I suppose ? ' 'I really ca n't say , sir . I think -- but I really ca n't say , sir . I wish you good night , sir . ' He comprehended everybody present , in the respectful bow with which he followed these words , and disappeared . My visitors seemed to breathe more freely when he was gone ; but my own relief was very great , for besides the constraint , arising from that extraordinary sense of being at a disadvantage which I always had in this man 's presence , my conscience had embarrassed me with whispers that I had mistrusted his master , and I could not repress a vague uneasy dread that he might find it out . How was it , having so little in reality to conceal , that I always DID feel as if this man were finding me out ? Mr. Micawber roused me from this reflection , which was blended with a certain remorseful apprehension of seeing Steerforth himself , by bestowing many encomiums on the absent Littimer as a most respectable fellow , and a thoroughly admirable servant . Mr. Micawber , I may remark , had taken his full share of the general bow , and had received it with infinite condescension . 'But punch , my dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , tasting it , 'like time and tide , waits for no man . Ah ! it is at the present moment in high flavour . My love , will you give me your opinion ? ' Mrs. Micawber pronounced it excellent . 'Then I will drink , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'if my friend Copperfield will permit me to take that social liberty , to the days when my friend Copperfield and myself were younger , and fought our way in the world side by side . I may say , of myself and Copperfield , in words we have sung together before now , that We twa hae run about the braes And pu 'd the gowans ' fine -- in a figurative point of view -- on several occasions . I am not exactly aware , ' said Mr. Micawber , with the old roll in his voice , and the old indescribable air of saying something genteel , 'what gowans may be , but I have no doubt that Copperfield and myself would frequently have taken a pull at them , if it had been feasible . ' Mr. Micawber , at the then present moment , took a pull at his punch . So we all did : Traddles evidently lost in wondering at what distant time Mr. Micawber and I could have been comrades in the battle of the world . 'Ahem ! ' said Mr. Micawber , clearing his throat , and warming with the punch and with the fire . 'My dear , another glass ? ' Mrs. Micawber said it must be very little ; but we could n't allow that , so it was a glassful . 'As we are quite confidential here , Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , sipping her punch , 'Mr . Traddles being a part of our domesticity , I should much like to have your opinion on Mr. Micawber's prospects . For corn , ' said Mrs. Micawber argumentatively , 'as I have repeatedly said to Mr. Micawber , may be gentlemanly , but it is not remunerative . Commission to the extent of two and ninepence in a fortnight can not , however limited our ideas , be considered remunerative . ' We were all agreed upon that . 'Then , ' said Mrs. Micawber , who prided herself on taking a clear view of things , and keeping Mr. Micawber straight by her woman 's wisdom , when he might otherwise go a little crooked , 'then I ask myself this question . If corn is not to be relied upon , what is ? Are coals to be relied upon ? Not at all . We have turned our attention to that experiment , on the suggestion of my family , and we find it fallacious . ' Mr. Micawber , leaning back in his chair with his hands in his pockets , eyed us aside , and nodded his head , as much as to say that the case was very clearly put . 'The articles of corn and coals , ' said Mrs. Micawber , still more argumentatively , 'being equally out of the question , Mr. Copperfield , I naturally look round the world , and say , `` What is there in which a person of Mr. Micawber 's talent is likely to succeed ? '' And I exclude the doing anything on commission , because commission is not a certainty . What is best suited to a person of Mr. Micawber 's peculiar temperament is , I am convinced , a certainty . ' Traddles and I both expressed , by a feeling murmur , that this great discovery was no doubt true of Mr. Micawber , and that it did him much credit . 'I will not conceal from you , my dear Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'that I have long felt the Brewing business to be particularly adapted to Mr. Micawber . Look at Barclay and Perkins ! Look at Truman , Hanbury , and Buxton ! It is on that extensive footing that Mr. Micawber , I know from my own knowledge of him , is calculated to shine ; and the profits , I am told , are e-NOR-MOUS ! But if Mr. Micawber can not get into those firms -- which decline to answer his letters , when he offers his services even in an inferior capacity -- what is the use of dwelling upon that idea ? None . I may have a conviction that Mr. Micawber 's manners -- ' 'Hem ! Really , my dear , ' interposed Mr. Micawber . 'My love , be silent , ' said Mrs. Micawber , laying her brown glove on his hand . 'I may have a conviction , Mr. Copperfield , that Mr. Micawber's manners peculiarly qualify him for the Banking business . I may argue within myself , that if I had a deposit at a banking-house , the manners of Mr. Micawber , as representing that banking-house , would inspire confidence , and must extend the connexion . But if the various banking-houses refuse to avail themselves of Mr. Micawber 's abilities , or receive the offer of them with contumely , what is the use of dwelling upon THAT idea ? None . As to originating a banking-business , I may know that there are members of my family who , if they chose to place their money in Mr. Micawber 's hands , might found an establishment of that description . But if they do NOT choose to place their money in Mr. Micawber 's hands -- which they do n't -- what is the use of that ? Again I contend that we are no farther advanced than we were before . ' I shook my head , and said , 'Not a bit . ' Traddles also shook his head , and said , 'Not a bit . ' 'What do I deduce from this ? ' Mrs. Micawber went on to say , still with the same air of putting a case lucidly . 'What is the conclusion , my dear Mr. Copperfield , to which I am irresistibly brought ? Am I wrong in saying , it is clear that we must live ? ' I answered 'Not at all ! ' and Traddles answered 'Not at all ! ' and I found myself afterwards sagely adding , alone , that a person must either live or die . 'Just so , ' returned Mrs. Micawber , 'It is precisely that . And the fact is , my dear Mr. Copperfield , that we can not live without something widely different from existing circumstances shortly turning up . Now I am convinced , myself , and this I have pointed out to Mr. Micawber several times of late , that things can not be expected to turn up of themselves . We must , in a measure , assist to turn them up . I may be wrong , but I have formed that opinion . ' Both Traddles and I applauded it highly . 'Very well , ' said Mrs. Micawber . 'Then what do I recommend ? Here is Mr. Micawber with a variety of qualifications -- with great talent -- ' 'Really , my love , ' said Mr. Micawber . 'Pray , my dear , allow me to conclude . Here is Mr. Micawber , with a variety of qualifications , with great talent -- I should say , with genius , but that may be the partiality of a wife -- ' Traddles and I both murmured 'No . ' 'And here is Mr. Micawber without any suitable position or employment . Where does that responsibility rest ? Clearly on society . Then I would make a fact so disgraceful known , and boldly challenge society to set it right . It appears to me , my dear Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , forcibly , 'that what Mr. Micawber has to do , is to throw down the gauntlet to society , and say , in effect , `` Show me who will take that up . Let the party immediately step forward . '' ' I ventured to ask Mrs. Micawber how this was to be done . 'By advertising , ' said Mrs. Micawber -- 'in all the papers . It appears to me , that what Mr. Micawber has to do , in justice to himself , in justice to his family , and I will even go so far as to say in justice to society , by which he has been hitherto overlooked , is to advertise in all the papers ; to describe himself plainly as so-and-so , with such and such qualifications and to put it thus : `` Now employ me , on remunerative terms , and address , post-paid , to W. M. , Post Office , Camden Town . '' ' 'This idea of Mrs. Micawber 's , my dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , making his shirt-collar meet in front of his chin , and glancing at me sideways , 'is , in fact , the Leap to which I alluded , when I last had the pleasure of seeing you . ' 'Advertising is rather expensive , ' I remarked , dubiously . 'Exactly so ! ' said Mrs. Micawber , preserving the same logical air . 'Quite true , my dear Mr. Copperfield ! I have made the identical observation to Mr. Micawber . It is for that reason especially , that I think Mr. Micawber ought ( as I have already said , in justice to himself , in justice to his family , and in justice to society ) to raise a certain sum of money -- on a bill . ' Mr. Micawber , leaning back in his chair , trifled with his eye-glass and cast his eyes up at the ceiling ; but I thought him observant of Traddles , too , who was looking at the fire . 'If no member of my family , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'is possessed of sufficient natural feeling to negotiate that bill -- I believe there is a better business-term to express what I mean -- ' Mr. Micawber , with his eyes still cast up at the ceiling , suggested 'Discount . ' 'To discount that bill , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'then my opinion is , that Mr. Micawber should go into the City , should take that bill into the Money Market , and should dispose of it for what he can get . If the individuals in the Money Market oblige Mr. Micawber to sustain a great sacrifice , that is between themselves and their consciences . I view it , steadily , as an investment . I recommend Mr. Micawber , my dear Mr. Copperfield , to do the same ; to regard it as an investment which is sure of return , and to make up his mind to any sacrifice . ' I felt , but I am sure I do n't know why , that this was self-denying and devoted in Mrs. Micawber , and I uttered a murmur to that effect . Traddles , who took his tone from me , did likewise , still looking at the fire . 'I will not , ' said Mrs. Micawber , finishing her punch , and gathering her scarf about her shoulders , preparatory to her withdrawal to my bedroom : 'I will not protract these remarks on the subject of Mr. Micawber's pecuniary affairs . At your fireside , my dear Mr. Copperfield , and in the presence of Mr. Traddles , who , though not so old a friend , is quite one of ourselves , I could not refrain from making you acquainted with the course I advise Mr. Micawber to take . I feel that the time is arrived when Mr. Micawber should exert himself and -- I will add -- assert himself , and it appears to me that these are the means . I am aware that I am merely a female , and that a masculine judgement is usually considered more competent to the discussion of such questions ; still I must not forget that , when I lived at home with my papa and mama , my papa was in the habit of saying , `` Emma 's form is fragile , but her grasp of a subject is inferior to none . '' That my papa was too partial , I well know ; but that he was an observer of character in some degree , my duty and my reason equally forbid me to doubt . ' With these words , and resisting our entreaties that she would grace the remaining circulation of the punch with her presence , Mrs. Micawber retired to my bedroom . And really I felt that she was a noble woman -- the sort of woman who might have been a Roman matron , and done all manner of heroic things , in times of public trouble . In the fervour of this impression , I congratulated Mr. Micawber on the treasure he possessed . So did Traddles . Mr. Micawber extended his hand to each of us in succession , and then covered his face with his pocket-handkerchief , which I think had more snuff upon it than he was aware of . He then returned to the punch , in the highest state of exhilaration . He was full of eloquence . He gave us to understand that in our children we lived again , and that , under the pressure of pecuniary difficulties , any accession to their number was doubly welcome . He said that Mrs. Micawber had latterly had her doubts on this point , but that he had dispelled them , and reassured her . As to her family , they were totally unworthy of her , and their sentiments were utterly indifferent to him , and they might -- I quote his own expression -- go to the Devil . Mr. Micawber then delivered a warm eulogy on Traddles . He said Traddles 's was a character , to the steady virtues of which he ( Mr. Micawber ) could lay no claim , but which , he thanked Heaven , he could admire . He feelingly alluded to the young lady , unknown , whom Traddles had honoured with his affection , and who had reciprocated that affection by honouring and blessing Traddles with her affection . Mr. Micawber pledged her . So did I. Traddles thanked us both , by saying , with a simplicity and honesty I had sense enough to be quite charmed with , 'I am very much obliged to you indeed . And I do assure you , she 's the dearest girl ! -- ' Mr. Micawber took an early opportunity , after that , of hinting , with the utmost delicacy and ceremony , at the state of my affections . Nothing but the serious assurance of his friend Copperfield to the contrary , he observed , could deprive him of the impression that his friend Copperfield loved and was beloved . After feeling very hot and uncomfortable for some time , and after a good deal of blushing , stammering , and denying , I said , having my glass in my hand , 'Well ! I would give them D. ! ' which so excited and gratified Mr. Micawber , that he ran with a glass of punch into my bedroom , in order that Mrs. Micawber might drink D. , who drank it with enthusiasm , crying from within , in a shrill voice , 'Hear , hear ! My dear Mr. Copperfield , I am delighted . Hear ! ' and tapping at the wall , by way of applause . Our conversation , afterwards , took a more worldly turn ; Mr. Micawber telling us that he found Camden Town inconvenient , and that the first thing he contemplated doing , when the advertisement should have been the cause of something satisfactory turning up , was to move . He mentioned a terrace at the western end of Oxford Street , fronting Hyde Park , on which he had always had his eye , but which he did not expect to attain immediately , as it would require a large establishment . There would probably be an interval , he explained , in which he should content himself with the upper part of a house , over some respectable place of business -- say in Piccadilly , -- which would be a cheerful situation for Mrs. Micawber ; and where , by throwing out a bow-window , or carrying up the roof another story , or making some little alteration of that sort , they might live , comfortably and reputably , for a few years . Whatever was reserved for him , he expressly said , or wherever his abode might be , we might rely on this -- there would always be a room for Traddles , and a knife and fork for me . We acknowledged his kindness ; and he begged us to forgive his having launched into these practical and business-like details , and to excuse it as natural in one who was making entirely new arrangements in life . Mrs. Micawber , tapping at the wall again to know if tea were ready , broke up this particular phase of our friendly conversation . She made tea for us in a most agreeable manner ; and , whenever I went near her , in handing about the tea-cups and bread-and-butter , asked me , in a whisper , whether D. was fair , or dark , or whether she was short , or tall : or something of that kind ; which I think I liked . After tea , we discussed a variety of topics before the fire ; and Mrs. Micawber was good enough to sing us ( in a small , thin , flat voice , which I remembered to have considered , when I first knew her , the very table-beer of acoustics ) the favourite ballads of 'The Dashing White Sergeant ' , and 'Little Tafflin ' . For both of these songs Mrs. Micawber had been famous when she lived at home with her papa and mama . Mr. Micawber told us , that when he heard her sing the first one , on the first occasion of his seeing her beneath the parental roof , she had attracted his attention in an extraordinary degree ; but that when it came to Little Tafflin , he had resolved to win that woman or perish in the attempt . It was between ten and eleven o'clock when Mrs. Micawber rose to replace her cap in the whitey-brown paper parcel , and to put on her bonnet . Mr. Micawber took the opportunity of Traddles putting on his great-coat , to slip a letter into my hand , with a whispered request that I would read it at my leisure . I also took the opportunity of my holding a candle over the banisters to light them down , when Mr. Micawber was going first , leading Mrs. Micawber , and Traddles was following with the cap , to detain Traddles for a moment on the top of the stairs . 'Traddles , ' said I , 'Mr . Micawber do n't mean any harm , poor fellow : but , if I were you , I would n't lend him anything . ' 'My dear Copperfield , ' returned Traddles , smiling , 'I have n't got anything to lend . ' 'You have got a name , you know , ' said I . 'Oh ! You call THAT something to lend ? ' returned Traddles , with a thoughtful look . 'Certainly . ' 'Oh ! ' said Traddles . 'Yes , to be sure ! I am very much obliged to you , Copperfield ; but -- I am afraid I have lent him that already . ' 'For the bill that is to be a certain investment ? ' I inquired . 'No , ' said Traddles . 'Not for that one . This is the first I have heard of that one . I have been thinking that he will most likely propose that one , on the way home . Mine 's another . ' 'I hope there will be nothing wrong about it , ' said I . 'I hope not , ' said Traddles . 'I should think not , though , because he told me , only the other day , that it was provided for . That was Mr. Micawber 's expression , '' Provided for . '' ' Mr. Micawber looking up at this juncture to where we were standing , I had only time to repeat my caution . Traddles thanked me , and descended . But I was much afraid , when I observed the good-natured manner in which he went down with the cap in his hand , and gave Mrs. Micawber his arm , that he would be carried into the Money Market neck and heels . I returned to my fireside , and was musing , half gravely and half laughing , on the character of Mr. Micawber and the old relations between us , when I heard a quick step ascending the stairs . At first , I thought it was Traddles coming back for something Mrs. Micawber had left behind ; but as the step approached , I knew it , and felt my heart beat high , and the blood rush to my face , for it was Steerforth 's . I was never unmindful of Agnes , and she never left that sanctuary in my thoughts -- if I may call it so -- where I had placed her from the first . But when he entered , and stood before me with his hand out , the darkness that had fallen on him changed to light , and I felt confounded and ashamed of having doubted one I loved so heartily . I loved her none the less ; I thought of her as the same benignant , gentle angel in my life ; I reproached myself , not her , with having done him an injury ; and I would have made him any atonement if I had known what to make , and how to make it . 'Why , Daisy , old boy , dumb-foundered ! ' laughed Steerforth , shaking my hand heartily , and throwing it gaily away . 'Have I detected you in another feast , you Sybarite ! These Doctors ' Commons fellows are the gayest men in town , I believe , and beat us sober Oxford people all to nothing ! ' His bright glance went merrily round the room , as he took the seat on the sofa opposite to me , which Mrs. Micawber had recently vacated , and stirred the fire into a blaze . 'I was so surprised at first , ' said I , giving him welcome with all the cordiality I felt , 'that I had hardly breath to greet you with , Steerforth . ' 'Well , the sight of me is good for sore eyes , as the Scotch say , ' replied Steerforth , 'and so is the sight of you , Daisy , in full bloom . How are you , my Bacchanal ? ' 'I am very well , ' said I ; 'and not at all Bacchanalian tonight , though I confess to another party of three . ' 'All of whom I met in the street , talking loud in your praise , ' returned Steerforth . 'Who 's our friend in the tights ? ' I gave him the best idea I could , in a few words , of Mr. Micawber . He laughed heartily at my feeble portrait of that gentleman , and said he was a man to know , and he must know him . 'But who do you suppose our other friend is ? ' said I , in my turn . 'Heaven knows , ' said Steerforth . 'Not a bore , I hope ? I thought he looked a little like one . ' 'Traddles ! ' I replied , triumphantly . 'Who 's he ? ' asked Steerforth , in his careless way . 'Do n't you remember Traddles ? Traddles in our room at Salem House ? ' 'Oh ! That fellow ! ' said Steerforth , beating a lump of coal on the top of the fire , with the poker . 'Is he as soft as ever ? And where the deuce did you pick him up ? ' I extolled Traddles in reply , as highly as I could ; for I felt that Steerforth rather slighted him . Steerforth , dismissing the subject with a light nod , and a smile , and the remark that he would be glad to see the old fellow too , for he had always been an odd fish , inquired if I could give him anything to eat ? During most of this short dialogue , when he had not been speaking in a wild vivacious manner , he had sat idly beating on the lump of coal with the poker . I observed that he did the same thing while I was getting out the remains of the pigeon-pie , and so forth . 'Why , Daisy , here 's a supper for a king ! ' he exclaimed , starting out of his silence with a burst , and taking his seat at the table . 'I shall do it justice , for I have come from Yarmouth . ' 'I thought you came from Oxford ? ' I returned . 'Not I , ' said Steerforth . 'I have been seafaring -- better employed . ' 'Littimer was here today , to inquire for you , ' I remarked , 'and I understood him that you were at Oxford ; though , now I think of it , he certainly did not say so . ' 'Littimer is a greater fool than I thought him , to have been inquiring for me at all , ' said Steerforth , jovially pouring out a glass of wine , and drinking to me . 'As to understanding him , you are a cleverer fellow than most of us , Daisy , if you can do that . ' 'That 's true , indeed , ' said I , moving my chair to the table . 'So you have been at Yarmouth , Steerforth ! ' interested to know all about it . 'Have you been there long ? ' 'No , ' he returned . 'An escapade of a week or so . ' 'And how are they all ? Of course , little Emily is not married yet ? ' 'Not yet . Going to be , I believe -- in so many weeks , or months , or something or other . I have not seen much of 'em . By the by ' ; he laid down his knife and fork , which he had been using with great diligence , and began feeling in his pockets ; 'I have a letter for you . ' 'From whom ? ' 'Why , from your old nurse , ' he returned , taking some papers out of his breast pocket . `` 'J . Steerforth , Esquire , debtor , to The Willing Mind '' ; that 's not it . Patience , and we 'll find it presently . Old what's-his-name 's in a bad way , and it 's about that , I believe . ' 'Barkis , do you mean ? ' 'Yes ! ' still feeling in his pockets , and looking over their contents : 'it 's all over with poor Barkis , I am afraid . I saw a little apothecary there -- surgeon , or whatever he is -- who brought your worship into the world . He was mighty learned about the case , to me ; but the upshot of his opinion was , that the carrier was making his last journey rather fast. -- -Put your hand into the breast pocket of my great-coat on the chair yonder , and I think you 'll find the letter . Is it there ? ' 'Here it is ! ' said I . 'That 's right ! ' It was from Peggotty ; something less legible than usual , and brief . It informed me of her husband 's hopeless state , and hinted at his being 'a little nearer ' than heretofore , and consequently more difficult to manage for his own comfort . It said nothing of her weariness and watching , and praised him highly . It was written with a plain , unaffected , homely piety that I knew to be genuine , and ended with 'my duty to my ever darling ' -- meaning myself . While I deciphered it , Steerforth continued to eat and drink . 'It 's a bad job , ' he said , when I had done ; 'but the sun sets every day , and people die every minute , and we must n't be scared by the common lot . If we failed to hold our own , because that equal foot at all men 's doors was heard knocking somewhere , every object in this world would slip from us . No ! Ride on ! Rough-shod if need be , smooth-shod if that will do , but ride on ! Ride on over all obstacles , and win the race ! ' 'And win what race ? ' said I . 'The race that one has started in , ' said he . 'Ride on ! ' I noticed , I remember , as he paused , looking at me with his handsome head a little thrown back , and his glass raised in his hand , that , though the freshness of the sea-wind was on his face , and it was ruddy , there were traces in it , made since I last saw it , as if he had applied himself to some habitual strain of the fervent energy which , when roused , was so passionately roused within him . I had it in my thoughts to remonstrate with him upon his desperate way of pursuing any fancy that he took -- such as this buffeting of rough seas , and braving of hard weather , for example -- when my mind glanced off to the immediate subject of our conversation again , and pursued that instead . 'I tell you what , Steerforth , ' said I , 'if your high spirits will listen to me -- ' 'They are potent spirits , and will do whatever you like , ' he answered , moving from the table to the fireside again . 'Then I tell you what , Steerforth . I think I will go down and see my old nurse . It is not that I can do her any good , or render her any real service ; but she is so attached to me that my visit will have as much effect on her , as if I could do both . She will take it so kindly that it will be a comfort and support to her . It is no great effort to make , I am sure , for such a friend as she has been to me . Would n't you go a day 's journey , if you were in my place ? ' His face was thoughtful , and he sat considering a little before he answered , in a low voice , 'Well ! Go . You can do no harm . ' 'You have just come back , ' said I , 'and it would be in vain to ask you to go with me ? ' 'Quite , ' he returned . 'I am for Highgate tonight . I have not seen my mother this long time , and it lies upon my conscience , for it 's something to be loved as she loves her prodigal son. -- -Bah ! Nonsense ! -- You mean to go tomorrow , I suppose ? ' he said , holding me out at arm 's length , with a hand on each of my shoulders . 'Yes , I think so . ' 'Well , then , do n't go till next day . I wanted you to come and stay a few days with us . Here I am , on purpose to bid you , and you fly off to Yarmouth ! ' 'You are a nice fellow to talk of flying off , Steerforth , who are always running wild on some unknown expedition or other ! ' He looked at me for a moment without speaking , and then rejoined , still holding me as before , and giving me a shake : 'Come ! Say the next day , and pass as much of tomorrow as you can with us ! Who knows when we may meet again , else ? Come ! Say the next day ! I want you to stand between Rosa Dartle and me , and keep us asunder . ' 'Would you love each other too much , without me ? ' 'Yes ; or hate , ' laughed Steerforth ; 'no matter which . Come ! Say the next day ! ' I said the next day ; and he put on his great-coat and lighted his cigar , and set off to walk home . Finding him in this intention , I put on my own great-coat ( but did not light my own cigar , having had enough of that for one while ) and walked with him as far as the open road : a dull road , then , at night . He was in great spirits all the way ; and when we parted , and I looked after him going so gallantly and airily homeward , I thought of his saying , 'Ride on over all obstacles , and win the race ! ' and wished , for the first time , that he had some worthy race to run . I was undressing in my own room , when Mr. Micawber 's letter tumbled on the floor . Thus reminded of it , I broke the seal and read as follows . It was dated an hour and a half before dinner . I am not sure whether I have mentioned that , when Mr. Micawber was at any particularly desperate crisis , he used a sort of legal phraseology , which he seemed to think equivalent to winding up his affairs . 'SIR -- for I dare not say my dear Copperfield , 'It is expedient that I should inform you that the undersigned is Crushed . Some flickering efforts to spare you the premature knowledge of his calamitous position , you may observe in him this day ; but hope has sunk beneath the horizon , and the undersigned is Crushed . 'The present communication is penned within the personal range ( I can not call it the society ) of an individual , in a state closely bordering on intoxication , employed by a broker . That individual is in legal possession of the premises , under a distress for rent . His inventory includes , not only the chattels and effects of every description belonging to the undersigned , as yearly tenant of this habitation , but also those appertaining to Mr. Thomas Traddles , lodger , a member of the Honourable Society of the Inner Temple . 'If any drop of gloom were wanting in the overflowing cup , which is now '' commended '' ( in the language of an immortal Writer ) to the lips of the undersigned , it would be found in the fact , that a friendly acceptance granted to the undersigned , by the before-mentioned Mr. Thomas Traddles , for the sum Of 23l 4s 9 1/2d is over due , and is NOT provided for . Also , in the fact that the living responsibilities clinging to the undersigned will , in the course of nature , be increased by the sum of one more helpless victim ; whose miserable appearance may be looked for -- in round numbers -- at the expiration of a period not exceeding six lunar months from the present date . 'After premising thus much , it would be a work of supererogation to add , that dust and ashes are for ever scattered 'On 'The 'Head 'Of 'WILKINS MICAWBER . ' Poor Traddles ! I knew enough of Mr. Micawber by this time , to foresee that he might be expected to recover the blow ; but my night 's rest was sorely distressed by thoughts of Traddles , and of the curate 's daughter , who was one of ten , down in Devonshire , and who was such a dear girl , and who would wait for Traddles ( ominous praise ! ) until she was sixty , or any age that could be mentioned . CHAPTER 29 . I VISIT STEERFORTH AT HIS HOME , AGAIN I mentioned to Mr. Spenlow in the morning , that I wanted leave of absence for a short time ; and as I was not in the receipt of any salary , and consequently was not obnoxious to the implacable Jorkins , there was no difficulty about it . I took that opportunity , with my voice sticking in my throat , and my sight failing as I uttered the words , to express my hope that Miss Spenlow was quite well ; to which Mr. Spenlow replied , with no more emotion than if he had been speaking of an ordinary human being , that he was much obliged to me , and she was very well . We articled clerks , as germs of the patrician order of proctors , were treated with so much consideration , that I was almost my own master at all times . As I did not care , however , to get to Highgate before one or two o'clock in the day , and as we had another little excommunication case in court that morning , which was called The office of the judge promoted by Tipkins against Bullock for his soul 's correction , I passed an hour or two in attendance on it with Mr. Spenlow very agreeably . It arose out of a scuffle between two churchwardens , one of whom was alleged to have pushed the other against a pump ; the handle of which pump projecting into a school-house , which school-house was under a gable of the church-roof , made the push an ecclesiastical offence . It was an amusing case ; and sent me up to Highgate , on the box of the stage-coach , thinking about the Commons , and what Mr. Spenlow had said about touching the Commons and bringing down the country . Mrs. Steerforth was pleased to see me , and so was Rosa Dartle . I was agreeably surprised to find that Littimer was not there , and that we were attended by a modest little parlour-maid , with blue ribbons in her cap , whose eye it was much more pleasant , and much less disconcerting , to catch by accident , than the eye of that respectable man . But what I particularly observed , before I had been half-an-hour in the house , was the close and attentive watch Miss Dartle kept upon me ; and the lurking manner in which she seemed to compare my face with Steerforth 's , and Steerforth 's with mine , and to lie in wait for something to come out between the two . So surely as I looked towards her , did I see that eager visage , with its gaunt black eyes and searching brow , intent on mine ; or passing suddenly from mine to Steerforth 's ; or comprehending both of us at once . In this lynx-like scrutiny she was so far from faltering when she saw I observed it , that at such a time she only fixed her piercing look upon me with a more intent expression still . Blameless as I was , and knew that I was , in reference to any wrong she could possibly suspect me of , I shrunk before her strange eyes , quite unable to endure their hungry lustre . All day , she seemed to pervade the whole house . If I talked to Steerforth in his room , I heard her dress rustle in the little gallery outside . When he and I engaged in some of our old exercises on the lawn behind the house , I saw her face pass from window to window , like a wandering light , until it fixed itself in one , and watched us . When we all four went out walking in the afternoon , she closed her thin hand on my arm like a spring , to keep me back , while Steerforth and his mother went on out of hearing : and then spoke to me . 'You have been a long time , ' she said , 'without coming here . Is your profession really so engaging and interesting as to absorb your whole attention ? I ask because I always want to be informed , when I am ignorant . Is it really , though ? ' I replied that I liked it well enough , but that I certainly could not claim so much for it . 'Oh ! I am glad to know that , because I always like to be put right when I am wrong , ' said Rosa Dartle . 'You mean it is a little dry , perhaps ? ' 'Well , ' I replied ; 'perhaps it was a little dry . ' 'Oh ! and that 's a reason why you want relief and change -- excitement and all that ? ' said she . 'Ah ! very true ! But is n't it a little -- Eh ? -- for him ; I do n't mean you ? ' A quick glance of her eye towards the spot where Steerforth was walking , with his mother leaning on his arm , showed me whom she meant ; but beyond that , I was quite lost . And I looked so , I have no doubt . 'Do n't it -- I do n't say that it does , mind I want to know -- do n't it rather engross him ? Do n't it make him , perhaps , a little more remiss than usual in his visits to his blindly-doting -- eh ? ' With another quick glance at them , and such a glance at me as seemed to look into my innermost thoughts . 'Miss Dartle , ' I returned , 'pray do not think -- ' 'I do n't ! ' she said . 'Oh dear me , do n't suppose that I think anything ! I am not suspicious . I only ask a question . I do n't state any opinion . I want to found an opinion on what you tell me . Then , it 's not so ? Well ! I am very glad to know it . ' 'It certainly is not the fact , ' said I , perplexed , 'that I am accountable for Steerforth 's having been away from home longer than usual -- if he has been : which I really do n't know at this moment , unless I understand it from you . I have not seen him this long while , until last night . ' 'No ? ' 'Indeed , Miss Dartle , no ! ' As she looked full at me , I saw her face grow sharper and paler , and the marks of the old wound lengthen out until it cut through the disfigured lip , and deep into the nether lip , and slanted down the face . There was something positively awful to me in this , and in the brightness of her eyes , as she said , looking fixedly at me : 'What is he doing ? ' I repeated the words , more to myself than her , being so amazed . 'What is he doing ? ' she said , with an eagerness that seemed enough to consume her like a fire . 'In what is that man assisting him , who never looks at me without an inscrutable falsehood in his eyes ? If you are honourable and faithful , I do n't ask you to betray your friend . I ask you only to tell me , is it anger , is it hatred , is it pride , is it restlessness , is it some wild fancy , is it love , what is it , that is leading him ? ' 'Miss Dartle , ' I returned , 'how shall I tell you , so that you will believe me , that I know of nothing in Steerforth different from what there was when I first came here ? I can think of nothing . I firmly believe there is nothing . I hardly understand even what you mean . ' As she still stood looking fixedly at me , a twitching or throbbing , from which I could not dissociate the idea of pain , came into that cruel mark ; and lifted up the corner of her lip as if with scorn , or with a pity that despised its object . She put her hand upon it hurriedly -- a hand so thin and delicate , that when I had seen her hold it up before the fire to shade her face , I had compared it in my thoughts to fine porcelain -- and saying , in a quick , fierce , passionate way , 'I swear you to secrecy about this ! ' said not a word more . Mrs. Steerforth was particularly happy in her son 's society , and Steerforth was , on this occasion , particularly attentive and respectful to her . It was very interesting to me to see them together , not only on account of their mutual affection , but because of the strong personal resemblance between them , and the manner in which what was haughty or impetuous in him was softened by age and sex , in her , to a gracious dignity . I thought , more than once , that it was well no serious cause of division had ever come between them ; or two such natures -- I ought rather to express it , two such shades of the same nature -- might have been harder to reconcile than the two extremest opposites in creation . The idea did not originate in my own discernment , I am bound to confess , but in a speech of Rosa Dartle 's . She said at dinner : 'Oh , but do tell me , though , somebody , because I have been thinking about it all day , and I want to know . ' 'You want to know what , Rosa ? ' returned Mrs. Steerforth . 'Pray , pray , Rosa , do not be mysterious . ' 'Mysterious ! ' she cried . 'Oh ! really ? Do you consider me so ? ' 'Do I constantly entreat you , ' said Mrs. Steerforth , 'to speak plainly , in your own natural manner ? ' 'Oh ! then this is not my natural manner ? ' she rejoined . 'Now you must really bear with me , because I ask for information . We never know ourselves . ' 'It has become a second nature , ' said Mrs. Steerforth , without any displeasure ; 'but I remember , -- and so must you , I think , -- when your manner was different , Rosa ; when it was not so guarded , and was more trustful . ' 'I am sure you are right , ' she returned ; 'and so it is that bad habits grow upon one ! Really ? Less guarded and more trustful ? How can I , imperceptibly , have changed , I wonder ! Well , that 's very odd ! I must study to regain my former self . ' 'I wish you would , ' said Mrs. Steerforth , with a smile . 'Oh ! I really will , you know ! ' she answered . 'I will learn frankness from -- let me see -- from James . ' 'You can not learn frankness , Rosa , ' said Mrs. Steerforth quickly -- for there was always some effect of sarcasm in what Rosa Dartle said , though it was said , as this was , in the most unconscious manner in the world -- 'in a better school . ' 'That I am sure of , ' she answered , with uncommon fervour . 'If I am sure of anything , of course , you know , I am sure of that . ' Mrs. Steerforth appeared to me to regret having been a little nettled ; for she presently said , in a kind tone : 'Well , my dear Rosa , we have not heard what it is that you want to be satisfied about ? ' 'That I want to be satisfied about ? ' she replied , with provoking coldness . 'Oh ! It was only whether people , who are like each other in their moral constitution -- is that the phrase ? ' 'It 's as good a phrase as another , ' said Steerforth . 'Thank you : -- whether people , who are like each other in their moral constitution , are in greater danger than people not so circumstanced , supposing any serious cause of variance to arise between them , of being divided angrily and deeply ? ' 'I should say yes , ' said Steerforth . 'Should you ? ' she retorted . 'Dear me ! Supposing then , for instance -- any unlikely thing will do for a supposition -- that you and your mother were to have a serious quarrel . ' 'My dear Rosa , ' interposed Mrs. Steerforth , laughing good-naturedly , 'suggest some other supposition ! James and I know our duty to each other better , I pray Heaven ! ' 'Oh ! ' said Miss Dartle , nodding her head thoughtfully . 'To be sure . That would prevent it ? Why , of course it would . Exactly . Now , I am glad I have been so foolish as to put the case , for it is so very good to know that your duty to each other would prevent it ! Thank you very much . ' One other little circumstance connected with Miss Dartle I must not omit ; for I had reason to remember it thereafter , when all the irremediable past was rendered plain . During the whole of this day , but especially from this period of it , Steerforth exerted himself with his utmost skill , and that was with his utmost ease , to charm this singular creature into a pleasant and pleased companion . That he should succeed , was no matter of surprise to me . That she should struggle against the fascinating influence of his delightful art -- delightful nature I thought it then -- did not surprise me either ; for I knew that she was sometimes jaundiced and perverse . I saw her features and her manner slowly change ; I saw her look at him with growing admiration ; I saw her try , more and more faintly , but always angrily , as if she condemned a weakness in herself , to resist the captivating power that he possessed ; and finally , I saw her sharp glance soften , and her smile become quite gentle , and I ceased to be afraid of her as I had really been all day , and we all sat about the fire , talking and laughing together , with as little reserve as if we had been children . Whether it was because we had sat there so long , or because Steerforth was resolved not to lose the advantage he had gained , I do not know ; but we did not remain in the dining-room more than five minutes after her departure . 'She is playing her harp , ' said Steerforth , softly , at the drawing-room door , 'and nobody but my mother has heard her do that , I believe , these three years . ' He said it with a curious smile , which was gone directly ; and we went into the room and found her alone . 'Do n't get up , ' said Steerforth ( which she had already done ) ' my dear Rosa , do n't ! Be kind for once , and sing us an Irish song . ' 'What do you care for an Irish song ? ' she returned . 'Much ! ' said Steerforth . 'Much more than for any other . Here is Daisy , too , loves music from his soul . Sing us an Irish song , Rosa ! and let me sit and listen as I used to do . ' He did not touch her , or the chair from which she had risen , but sat himself near the harp . She stood beside it for some little while , in a curious way , going through the motion of playing it with her right hand , but not sounding it . At length she sat down , and drew it to her with one sudden action , and played and sang . I do n't know what it was , in her touch or voice , that made that song the most unearthly I have ever heard in my life , or can imagine . There was something fearful in the reality of it . It was as if it had never been written , or set to music , but sprung out of passion within her ; which found imperfect utterance in the low sounds of her voice , and crouched again when all was still . I was dumb when she leaned beside the harp again , playing it , but not sounding it , with her right hand . A minute more , and this had roused me from my trance : -- Steerforth had left his seat , and gone to her , and had put his arm laughingly about her , and had said , 'Come , Rosa , for the future we will love each other very much ! ' And she had struck him , and had thrown him off with the fury of a wild cat , and had burst out of the room . 'What is the matter with Rosa ? ' said Mrs. Steerforth , coming in . 'She has been an angel , mother , ' returned Steerforth , 'for a little while ; and has run into the opposite extreme , since , by way of compensation . ' 'You should be careful not to irritate her , James . Her temper has been soured , remember , and ought not to be tried . ' Rosa did not come back ; and no other mention was made of her , until I went with Steerforth into his room to say Good night . Then he laughed about her , and asked me if I had ever seen such a fierce little piece of incomprehensibility . I expressed as much of my astonishment as was then capable of expression , and asked if he could guess what it was that she had taken so much amiss , so suddenly . 'Oh , Heaven knows , ' said Steerforth . 'Anything you like -- or nothing ! I told you she took everything , herself included , to a grindstone , and sharpened it . She is an edge-tool , and requires great care in dealing with . She is always dangerous . Good night ! ' 'Good night ! ' said I , 'my dear Steerforth ! I shall be gone before you wake in the morning . Good night ! ' He was unwilling to let me go ; and stood , holding me out , with a hand on each of my shoulders , as he had done in my own room . 'Daisy , ' he said , with a smile -- 'for though that 's not the name your godfathers and godmothers gave you , it 's the name I like best to call you by -- and I wish , I wish , I wish , you could give it to me ! ' 'Why so I can , if I choose , ' said I . 'Daisy , if anything should ever separate us , you must think of me at my best , old boy . Come ! Let us make that bargain . Think of me at my best , if circumstances should ever part us ! ' 'You have no best to me , Steerforth , ' said I , 'and no worst . You are always equally loved , and cherished in my heart . ' So much compunction for having ever wronged him , even by a shapeless thought , did I feel within me , that the confession of having done so was rising to my lips . But for the reluctance I had to betray the confidence of Agnes , but for my uncertainty how to approach the subject with no risk of doing so , it would have reached them before he said , 'God bless you , Daisy , and good night ! ' In my doubt , it did NOT reach them ; and we shook hands , and we parted . I was up with the dull dawn , and , having dressed as quietly as I could , looked into his room . He was fast asleep ; lying , easily , with his head upon his arm , as I had often seen him lie at school . The time came in its season , and that was very soon , when I almost wondered that nothing troubled his repose , as I looked at him . But he slept -- let me think of him so again -- as I had often seen him sleep at school ; and thus , in this silent hour , I left him . -- Never more , oh God forgive you , Steerforth ! to touch that passive hand in love and friendship . Never , never more ! CHAPTER 30 . A LOSS I got down to Yarmouth in the evening , and went to the inn . I knew that Peggotty 's spare room -- my room -- was likely to have occupation enough in a little while , if that great Visitor , before whose presence all the living must give place , were not already in the house ; so I betook myself to the inn , and dined there , and engaged my bed . It was ten o'clock when I went out . Many of the shops were shut , and the town was dull . When I came to Omer and Joram 's , I found the shutters up , but the shop door standing open . As I could obtain a perspective view of Mr. Omer inside , smoking his pipe by the parlour door , I entered , and asked him how he was . 'Why , bless my life and soul ! ' said Mr. Omer , 'how do you find yourself ? Take a seat. -- -Smoke not disagreeable , I hope ? ' 'By no means , ' said I . 'I like it -- in somebody else 's pipe . ' 'What , not in your own , eh ? ' Mr. Omer returned , laughing . 'All the better , sir . Bad habit for a young man . Take a seat . I smoke , myself , for the asthma . ' Mr. Omer had made room for me , and placed a chair . He now sat down again very much out of breath , gasping at his pipe as if it contained a supply of that necessary , without which he must perish . 'I am sorry to have heard bad news of Mr. Barkis , ' said I. Mr. Omer looked at me , with a steady countenance , and shook his head . 'Do you know how he is tonight ? ' I asked . 'The very question I should have put to you , sir , ' returned Mr. Omer , 'but on account of delicacy . It 's one of the drawbacks of our line of business . When a party 's ill , we ca n't ask how the party is . ' The difficulty had not occurred to me ; though I had had my apprehensions too , when I went in , of hearing the old tune . On its being mentioned , I recognized it , however , and said as much . 'Yes , yes , you understand , ' said Mr. Omer , nodding his head . 'We dursn't do it . Bless you , it would be a shock that the generality of parties might n't recover , to say `` Omer and Joram 's compliments , and how do you find yourself this morning ? '' -- or this afternoon -- as it may be . ' Mr. Omer and I nodded at each other , and Mr. Omer recruited his wind by the aid of his pipe . 'It 's one of the things that cut the trade off from attentions they could often wish to show , ' said Mr. Omer . 'Take myself . If I have known Barkis a year , to move to as he went by , I have known him forty years . But I ca n't go and say , `` how is he ? '' ' I felt it was rather hard on Mr. Omer , and I told him so . 'I 'm not more self-interested , I hope , than another man , ' said Mr. Omer . 'Look at me ! My wind may fail me at any moment , and it ain't likely that , to my own knowledge , I 'd be self-interested under such circumstances . I say it ai n't likely , in a man who knows his wind will go , when it DOES go , as if a pair of bellows was cut open ; and that man a grandfather , ' said Mr. Omer . I said , 'Not at all . ' 'It ai n't that I complain of my line of business , ' said Mr. Omer . 'It ai n't that . Some good and some bad goes , no doubt , to all callings . What I wish is , that parties was brought up stronger-minded . ' Mr. Omer , with a very complacent and amiable face , took several puffs in silence ; and then said , resuming his first point : 'Accordingly we 're obleeged , in ascertaining how Barkis goes on , to limit ourselves to Em'ly . She knows what our real objects are , and she do n't have any more alarms or suspicions about us , than if we was so many lambs . Minnie and Joram have just stepped down to the house , in fact ( she 's there , after hours , helping her aunt a bit ) , to ask her how he is tonight ; and if you was to please to wait till they come back , they 'd give you full partic'lers . Will you take something ? A glass of srub and water , now ? I smoke on srub and water , myself , ' said Mr. Omer , taking up his glass , 'because it 's considered softening to the passages , by which this troublesome breath of mine gets into action . But , Lord bless you , ' said Mr. Omer , huskily , 'it ai n't the passages that 's out of order ! `` Give me breath enough , '' said I to my daughter Minnie , `` and I'll find passages , my dear . '' ' He really had no breath to spare , and it was very alarming to see him laugh . When he was again in a condition to be talked to , I thanked him for the proffered refreshment , which I declined , as I had just had dinner ; and , observing that I would wait , since he was so good as to invite me , until his daughter and his son-in-law came back , I inquired how little Emily was ? 'Well , sir , ' said Mr. Omer , removing his pipe , that he might rub his chin : 'I tell you truly , I shall be glad when her marriage has taken place . ' 'Why so ? ' I inquired . 'Well , she 's unsettled at present , ' said Mr. Omer . 'It ai n't that she's not as pretty as ever , for she 's prettier -- I do assure you , she is prettier . It ai n't that she do n't work as well as ever , for she does . She WAS worth any six , and she IS worth any six . But somehow she wants heart . If you understand , ' said Mr. Omer , after rubbing his chin again , and smoking a little , 'what I mean in a general way by the expression , '' A long pull , and a strong pull , and a pull altogether , my hearties , hurrah ! '' I should say to you , that that was -- in a general way -- what I miss in Em'ly . ' Mr. Omer 's face and manner went for so much , that I could conscientiously nod my head , as divining his meaning . My quickness of apprehension seemed to please him , and he went on : 'Now I consider this is principally on account of her being in an unsettled state , you see . We have talked it over a good deal , her uncle and myself , and her sweetheart and myself , after business ; and I consider it is principally on account of her being unsettled . You must always recollect of Em'ly , ' said Mr. Omer , shaking his head gently , 'that she 's a most extraordinary affectionate little thing . The proverb says , `` You ca n't make a silk purse out of a sow 's ear . '' Well , I do n't know about that . I rather think you may , if you begin early in life . She has made a home out of that old boat , sir , that stone and marble could n't beat . ' 'I am sure she has ! ' said I . 'To see the clinging of that pretty little thing to her uncle , ' said Mr. Omer ; 'to see the way she holds on to him , tighter and tighter , and closer and closer , every day , is to see a sight . Now , you know , there's a struggle going on when that 's the case . Why should it be made a longer one than is needful ? ' I listened attentively to the good old fellow , and acquiesced , with all my heart , in what he said . 'Therefore , I mentioned to them , ' said Mr. Omer , in a comfortable , easy-going tone , 'this . I said , `` Now , do n't consider Em'ly nailed down in point of time , at all . Make it your own time . Her services have been more valuable than was supposed ; her learning has been quicker than was supposed ; Omer and Joram can run their pen through what remains ; and she 's free when you wish . If she likes to make any little arrangement , afterwards , in the way of doing any little thing for us at home , very well . If she do n't , very well still . We 're no losers , anyhow . '' For -- do n't you see , ' said Mr. Omer , touching me with his pipe , 'it ain't likely that a man so short of breath as myself , and a grandfather too , would go and strain points with a little bit of a blue-eyed blossom , like her ? ' 'Not at all , I am certain , ' said I . 'Not at all ! You 're right ! ' said Mr. Omer . 'Well , sir , her cousin -- you know it 's a cousin she 's going to be married to ? ' 'Oh yes , ' I replied . 'I know him well . ' 'Of course you do , ' said Mr. Omer . 'Well , sir ! Her cousin being , as it appears , in good work , and well to do , thanked me in a very manly sort of manner for this ( conducting himself altogether , I must say , in a way that gives me a high opinion of him ) , and went and took as comfortable a little house as you or I could wish to clap eyes on . That little house is now furnished right through , as neat and complete as a doll's parlour ; and but for Barkis 's illness having taken this bad turn , poor fellow , they would have been man and wife -- I dare say , by this time . As it is , there 's a postponement . ' 'And Emily , Mr . Omer ? ' I inquired . 'Has she become more settled ? ' 'Why that , you know , ' he returned , rubbing his double chin again , 'can't naturally be expected . The prospect of the change and separation , and all that , is , as one may say , close to her and far away from her , both at once . Barkis 's death need n't put it off much , but his lingering might . Anyway , it 's an uncertain state of matters , you see . ' 'I see , ' said I . 'Consequently , ' pursued Mr. Omer , 'Em'ly 's still a little down , and a little fluttered ; perhaps , upon the whole , she 's more so than she was . Every day she seems to get fonder and fonder of her uncle , and more loth to part from all of us . A kind word from me brings the tears into her eyes ; and if you was to see her with my daughter Minnie 's little girl , you 'd never forget it . Bless my heart alive ! ' said Mr. Omer , pondering , 'how she loves that child ! ' Having so favourable an opportunity , it occurred to me to ask Mr. Omer , before our conversation should be interrupted by the return of his daughter and her husband , whether he knew anything of Martha . 'Ah ! ' he rejoined , shaking his head , and looking very much dejected . 'No good . A sad story , sir , however you come to know it . I never thought there was harm in the girl . I would n't wish to mention it before my daughter Minnie -- for she 'd take me up directly -- but I never did . None of us ever did . ' Mr. Omer , hearing his daughter 's footstep before I heard it , touched me with his pipe , and shut up one eye , as a caution . She and her husband came in immediately afterwards . Their report was , that Mr. Barkis was 'as bad as bad could be ' ; that he was quite unconscious ; and that Mr. Chillip had mournfully said in the kitchen , on going away just now , that the College of Physicians , the College of Surgeons , and Apothecaries ' Hall , if they were all called in together , could n't help him . He was past both Colleges , Mr. Chillip said , and the Hall could only poison him . Hearing this , and learning that Mr. Peggotty was there , I determined to go to the house at once . I bade good night to Mr. Omer , and to Mr. and Mrs. Joram ; and directed my steps thither , with a solemn feeling , which made Mr. Barkis quite a new and different creature . My low tap at the door was answered by Mr. Peggotty . He was not so much surprised to see me as I had expected . I remarked this in Peggotty , too , when she came down ; and I have seen it since ; and I think , in the expectation of that dread surprise , all other changes and surprises dwindle into nothing . I shook hands with Mr. Peggotty , and passed into the kitchen , while he softly closed the door . Little Emily was sitting by the fire , with her hands before her face . Ham was standing near her . We spoke in whispers ; listening , between whiles , for any sound in the room above . I had not thought of it on the occasion of my last visit , but how strange it was to me , now , to miss Mr. Barkis out of the kitchen ! 'This is very kind of you , Mas'r Davy , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'It 's oncommon kind , ' said Ham . 'Em'ly , my dear , ' cried Mr. Peggotty . 'See here ! Here 's Mas'r Davy come ! What , cheer up , pretty ! Not a wured to Mas'r Davy ? ' There was a trembling upon her , that I can see now . The coldness of her hand when I touched it , I can feel yet . Its only sign of animation was to shrink from mine ; and then she glided from the chair , and creeping to the other side of her uncle , bowed herself , silently and trembling still , upon his breast . 'It 's such a loving art , ' said Mr. Peggotty , smoothing her rich hair with his great hard hand , 'that it ca n't abear the sorrer of this . It 's nat'ral in young folk , Mas'r Davy , when they 're new to these here trials , and timid , like my little bird , -- it 's nat'ral . ' She clung the closer to him , but neither lifted up her face , nor spoke a word . 'It 's getting late , my dear , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'and here 's Ham come fur to take you home . Theer ! Go along with t'other loving art ! What' Em'ly ? Eh , my pretty ? ' The sound of her voice had not reached me , but he bent his head as if he listened to her , and then said : 'Let you stay with your uncle ? Why , you doe n't mean to ask me that ! Stay with your uncle , Moppet ? When your husband that 'll be so soon , is here fur to take you home ? Now a person would n't think it , fur to see this little thing alongside a rough-weather chap like me , ' said Mr. Peggotty , looking round at both of us , with infinite pride ; 'but the sea ain't more salt in it than she has fondness in her for her uncle -- a foolish little Em'ly ! ' 'Em'ly 's in the right in that , Mas'r Davy ! ' said Ham . 'Lookee here ! As Em'ly wishes of it , and as she 's hurried and frightened , like , besides , I 'll leave her till morning . Let me stay too ! ' 'No , no , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'You doe n't ought -- a married man like you -- or what 's as good -- to take and hull away a day 's work . And you doe n't ought to watch and work both . That wo n't do . You go home and turn in . You ai n't afeerd of Em'ly not being took good care on , I know . ' Ham yielded to this persuasion , and took his hat to go . Even when he kissed her -- and I never saw him approach her , but I felt that nature had given him the soul of a gentleman -- she seemed to cling closer to her uncle , even to the avoidance of her chosen husband . I shut the door after him , that it might cause no disturbance of the quiet that prevailed ; and when I turned back , I found Mr. Peggotty still talking to her . 'Now , I 'm a going upstairs to tell your aunt as Mas'r Davy 's here , and that 'll cheer her up a bit , ' he said . 'Sit ye down by the fire , the while , my dear , and warm those mortal cold hands . You doe n't need to be so fearsome , and take on so much . What ? You 'll go along with me ? -- Well ! come along with me -- come ! If her uncle was turned out of house and home , and forced to lay down in a dyke , Mas'r Davy , ' said Mr. Peggotty , with no less pride than before , 'it 's my belief she 'd go along with him , now ! But there 'll be someone else , soon , -- someone else , soon , Em'ly ! ' Afterwards , when I went upstairs , as I passed the door of my little chamber , which was dark , I had an indistinct impression of her being within it , cast down upon the floor . But , whether it was really she , or whether it was a confusion of the shadows in the room , I do n't know now . I had leisure to think , before the kitchen fire , of pretty little Emily 's dread of death -- which , added to what Mr. Omer had told me , I took to be the cause of her being so unlike herself -- and I had leisure , before Peggotty came down , even to think more leniently of the weakness of it : as I sat counting the ticking of the clock , and deepening my sense of the solemn hush around me . Peggotty took me in her arms , and blessed and thanked me over and over again for being such a comfort to her ( that was what she said ) in her distress . She then entreated me to come upstairs , sobbing that Mr. Barkis had always liked me and admired me ; that he had often talked of me , before he fell into a stupor ; and that she believed , in case of his coming to himself again , he would brighten up at sight of me , if he could brighten up at any earthly thing . The probability of his ever doing so , appeared to me , when I saw him , to be very small . He was lying with his head and shoulders out of bed , in an uncomfortable attitude , half resting on the box which had cost him so much pain and trouble . I learned , that , when he was past creeping out of bed to open it , and past assuring himself of its safety by means of the divining rod I had seen him use , he had required to have it placed on the chair at the bed-side , where he had ever since embraced it , night and day . His arm lay on it now . Time and the world were slipping from beneath him , but the box was there ; and the last words he had uttered were ( in an explanatory tone ) 'Old clothes ! ' 'Barkis , my dear ! ' said Peggotty , almost cheerfully : bending over him , while her brother and I stood at the bed 's foot . 'Here 's my dear boy -- my dear boy , Master Davy , who brought us together , Barkis ! That you sent messages by , you know ! Wo n't you speak to Master Davy ? ' He was as mute and senseless as the box , from which his form derived the only expression it had . 'He 's a going out with the tide , ' said Mr. Peggotty to me , behind his hand . My eyes were dim and so were Mr. Peggotty 's ; but I repeated in a whisper , 'With the tide ? ' 'People ca n't die , along the coast , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'except when the tide 's pretty nigh out . They ca n't be born , unless it 's pretty nigh in -- not properly born , till flood . He 's a going out with the tide . It's ebb at half-arter three , slack water half an hour . If he lives till it turns , he 'll hold his own till past the flood , and go out with the next tide . ' We remained there , watching him , a long time -- hours . What mysterious influence my presence had upon him in that state of his senses , I shall not pretend to say ; but when he at last began to wander feebly , it is certain he was muttering about driving me to school . 'He 's coming to himself , ' said Peggotty . Mr. Peggotty touched me , and whispered with much awe and reverence . 'They are both a-going out fast . ' 'Barkis , my dear ! ' said Peggotty . 'C . P. Barkis , ' he cried faintly . 'No better woman anywhere ! ' 'Look ! Here 's Master Davy ! ' said Peggotty . For he now opened his eyes . I was on the point of asking him if he knew me , when he tried to stretch out his arm , and said to me , distinctly , with a pleasant smile : 'Barkis is willin ' ! ' And , it being low water , he went out with the tide . CHAPTER 31 . A GREATER LOSS It was not difficult for me , on Peggotty 's solicitation , to resolve to stay where I was , until after the remains of the poor carrier should have made their last journey to Blunderstone . She had long ago bought , out of her own savings , a little piece of ground in our old churchyard near the grave of 'her sweet girl ' , as she always called my mother ; and there they were to rest . In keeping Peggotty company , and doing all I could for her ( little enough at the utmost ) , I was as grateful , I rejoice to think , as even now I could wish myself to have been . But I am afraid I had a supreme satisfaction , of a personal and professional nature , in taking charge of Mr. Barkis 's will , and expounding its contents . I may claim the merit of having originated the suggestion that the will should be looked for in the box . After some search , it was found in the box , at the bottom of a horse 's nose-bag ; wherein ( besides hay ) there was discovered an old gold watch , with chain and seals , which Mr. Barkis had worn on his wedding-day , and which had never been seen before or since ; a silver tobacco-stopper , in the form of a leg ; an imitation lemon , full of minute cups and saucers , which I have some idea Mr. Barkis must have purchased to present to me when I was a child , and afterwards found himself unable to part with ; eighty-seven guineas and a half , in guineas and half-guineas ; two hundred and ten pounds , in perfectly clean Bank notes ; certain receipts for Bank of England stock ; an old horseshoe , a bad shilling , a piece of camphor , and an oyster-shell . From the circumstance of the latter article having been much polished , and displaying prismatic colours on the inside , I conclude that Mr. Barkis had some general ideas about pearls , which never resolved themselves into anything definite . For years and years , Mr. Barkis had carried this box , on all his journeys , every day . That it might the better escape notice , he had invented a fiction that it belonged to 'Mr . Blackboy ' , and was 'to be left with Barkis till called for ' ; a fable he had elaborately written on the lid , in characters now scarcely legible . He had hoarded , all these years , I found , to good purpose . His property in money amounted to nearly three thousand pounds . Of this he bequeathed the interest of one thousand to Mr. Peggotty for his life ; on his decease , the principal to be equally divided between Peggotty , little Emily , and me , or the survivor or survivors of us , share and share alike . All the rest he died possessed of , he bequeathed to Peggotty ; whom he left residuary legatee , and sole executrix of that his last will and testament . I felt myself quite a proctor when I read this document aloud with all possible ceremony , and set forth its provisions , any number of times , to those whom they concerned . I began to think there was more in the Commons than I had supposed . I examined the will with the deepest attention , pronounced it perfectly formal in all respects , made a pencil-mark or so in the margin , and thought it rather extraordinary that I knew so much . In this abstruse pursuit ; in making an account for Peggotty , of all the property into which she had come ; in arranging all the affairs in an orderly manner ; and in being her referee and adviser on every point , to our joint delight ; I passed the week before the funeral . I did not see little Emily in that interval , but they told me she was to be quietly married in a fortnight . I did not attend the funeral in character , if I may venture to say so . I mean I was not dressed up in a black coat and a streamer , to frighten the birds ; but I walked over to Blunderstone early in the morning , and was in the churchyard when it came , attended only by Peggotty and her brother . The mad gentleman looked on , out of my little window ; Mr. Chillip 's baby wagged its heavy head , and rolled its goggle eyes , at the clergyman , over its nurse 's shoulder ; Mr. Omer breathed short in the background ; no one else was there ; and it was very quiet . We walked about the churchyard for an hour , after all was over ; and pulled some young leaves from the tree above my mother 's grave . A dread falls on me here . A cloud is lowering on the distant town , towards which I retraced my solitary steps . I fear to approach it . I can not bear to think of what did come , upon that memorable night ; of what must come again , if I go on . It is no worse , because I write of it . It would be no better , if I stopped my most unwilling hand . It is done . Nothing can undo it ; nothing can make it otherwise than as it was . My old nurse was to go to London with me next day , on the business of the will . Little Emily was passing that day at Mr. Omer 's . We were all to meet in the old boathouse that night . Ham would bring Emily at the usual hour . I would walk back at my leisure . The brother and sister would return as they had come , and be expecting us , when the day closed in , at the fireside . I parted from them at the wicket-gate , where visionary Strap had rested with Roderick Random 's knapsack in the days of yore ; and , instead of going straight back , walked a little distance on the road to Lowestoft . Then I turned , and walked back towards Yarmouth . I stayed to dine at a decent alehouse , some mile or two from the Ferry I have mentioned before ; and thus the day wore away , and it was evening when I reached it . Rain was falling heavily by that time , and it was a wild night ; but there was a moon behind the clouds , and it was not dark . I was soon within sight of Mr. Peggotty 's house , and of the light within it shining through the window . A little floundering across the sand , which was heavy , brought me to the door , and I went in . It looked very comfortable indeed . Mr. Peggotty had smoked his evening pipe and there were preparations for some supper by and by . The fire was bright , the ashes were thrown up , the locker was ready for little Emily in her old place . In her own old place sat Peggotty , once more , looking ( but for her dress ) as if she had never left it . She had fallen back , already , on the society of the work-box with St. Paul 's upon the lid , the yard-measure in the cottage , and the bit of wax-candle ; and there they all were , just as if they had never been disturbed . Mrs. Gummidge appeared to be fretting a little , in her old corner ; and consequently looked quite natural , too . 'You 're first of the lot , Mas'r Davy ! ' said Mr. Peggotty with a happy face . 'Doe n't keep in that coat , sir , if it 's wet . ' 'Thank you , Mr. Peggotty , ' said I , giving him my outer coat to hang up . 'It 's quite dry . ' 'So 't is ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , feeling my shoulders . 'As a chip ! Sit ye down , sir . It ai n't o ' no use saying welcome to you , but you 're welcome , kind and hearty . ' 'Thank you , Mr. Peggotty , I am sure of that . Well , Peggotty ! ' said I , giving her a kiss . 'And how are you , old woman ? ' 'Ha , ha ! ' laughed Mr. Peggotty , sitting down beside us , and rubbing his hands in his sense of relief from recent trouble , and in the genuine heartiness of his nature ; 'there 's not a woman in the wureld , sir -- as I tell her -- that need to feel more easy in her mind than her ! She done her dooty by the departed , and the departed know 'd it ; and the departed done what was right by her , as she done what was right by the departed ; -- and -- and -- and it 's all right ! ' Mrs. Gummidge groaned . 'Cheer up , my pritty mawther ! ' said Mr. Peggotty . ( But he shook his head aside at us , evidently sensible of the tendency of the late occurrences to recall the memory of the old one . ) 'Doe n't be down ! Cheer up , for your own self , on'y a little bit , and see if a good deal more doen't come nat'ral ! ' 'Not to me , Dan'l , ' returned Mrs. Gummidge . 'Nothink 's nat'ral to me but to be lone and lorn . ' 'No , no , ' said Mr. Peggotty , soothing her sorrows . 'Yes , yes , Dan'l ! ' said Mrs. Gummidge . 'I ai n't a person to live with them as has had money left . Thinks go too contrary with me . I had better be a riddance . ' 'Why , how should I ever spend it without you ? ' said Mr. Peggotty , with an air of serious remonstrance . 'What are you a talking on ? Doe n't I want you more now , than ever I did ? ' 'I know 'd I was never wanted before ! ' cried Mrs. Gummidge , with a pitiable whimper , 'and now I 'm told so ! How could I expect to be wanted , being so lone and lorn , and so contrary ! ' Mr. Peggotty seemed very much shocked at himself for having made a speech capable of this unfeeling construction , but was prevented from replying , by Peggotty 's pulling his sleeve , and shaking her head . After looking at Mrs. Gummidge for some moments , in sore distress of mind , he glanced at the Dutch clock , rose , snuffed the candle , and put it in the window . 'Theer ! 'said Mr. Peggotty , cheerily . 'Theer we are , Missis Gummidge ! ' Mrs. Gummidge slightly groaned . 'Lighted up , accordin ' to custom ! You're a wonderin ' what that 's fur , sir ! Well , it 's fur our little Em'ly . You see , the path ai n't over light or cheerful arter dark ; and when I'm here at the hour as she 's a comin ' home , I puts the light in the winder . That , you see , ' said Mr. Peggotty , bending over me with great glee , 'meets two objects . She says , says Em'ly , `` Theer 's home ! '' she says . And likewise , says Em'ly , `` My uncle 's theer ! '' Fur if I ai n't theer , I never have no light showed . ' 'You 're a baby ! ' said Peggotty ; very fond of him for it , if she thought so . 'Well , ' returned Mr. Peggotty , standing with his legs pretty wide apart , and rubbing his hands up and down them in his comfortable satisfaction , as he looked alternately at us and at the fire . 'I doe n't know but I am . Not , you see , to look at . ' 'Not azackly , ' observed Peggotty . 'No , ' laughed Mr. Peggotty , 'not to look at , but to -- to consider on , you know . I doe n't care , bless you ! Now I tell you . When I go a looking and looking about that theer pritty house of our Em'ly 's , I 'm -- I 'm Gormed , ' said Mr. Peggotty , with sudden emphasis -- 'theer ! I ca n't say more -- if I doe n't feel as if the littlest things was her , a'most . I takes 'em up and I put 'em down , and I touches of 'em as delicate as if they was our Em'ly . So 't is with her little bonnets and that . I could n't see one on 'em rough used a purpose -- not fur the whole wureld . There 's a babby fur you , in the form of a great Sea Porkypine ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , relieving his earnestness with a roar of laughter . Peggotty and I both laughed , but not so loud . 'It 's my opinion , you see , ' said Mr. Peggotty , with a delighted face , after some further rubbing of his legs , 'as this is along of my havin' played with her so much , and made believe as we was Turks , and French , and sharks , and every wariety of forinners -- bless you , yes ; and lions and whales , and I doe n't know what all ! -- when she war n't no higher than my knee . I 've got into the way on it , you know . Why , this here candle , now ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , gleefully holding out his hand towards it , 'I know wery well that arter she 's married and gone , I shall put that candle theer , just the same as now . I know wery well that when I'm here o ' nights ( and where else should I live , bless your arts , whatever fortun ' I come into ! ) and she ai n't here or I ai n't theer , I shall put the candle in the winder , and sit afore the fire , pretending I'm expecting of her , like I 'm a doing now . THERE 'S a babby for you , ' said Mr. Peggotty , with another roar , 'in the form of a Sea Porkypine ! Why , at the present minute , when I see the candle sparkle up , I says to myself , `` She 's a looking at it ! Em'ly 's a coming ! '' THERE 'S a babby for you , in the form of a Sea Porkypine ! Right for all that , ' said Mr. Peggotty , stopping in his roar , and smiting his hands together ; 'fur here she is ! ' It was only Ham . The night should have turned more wet since I came in , for he had a large sou'wester hat on , slouched over his face . 'Wheer 's Em'ly ? ' said Mr. Peggotty . Ham made a motion with his head , as if she were outside . Mr. Peggotty took the light from the window , trimmed it , put it on the table , and was busily stirring the fire , when Ham , who had not moved , said : 'Mas'r Davy , will you come out a minute , and see what Em'ly and me has got to show you ? ' We went out . As I passed him at the door , I saw , to my astonishment and fright , that he was deadly pale . He pushed me hastily into the open air , and closed the door upon us . Only upon us two . 'Ham ! what 's the matter ? ' 'Mas'r Davy ! -- ' Oh , for his broken heart , how dreadfully he wept ! I was paralysed by the sight of such grief . I do n't know what I thought , or what I dreaded . I could only look at him . 'Ham ! Poor good fellow ! For Heaven 's sake , tell me what 's the matter ! ' 'My love , Mas'r Davy -- the pride and hope of my art -- her that I 'd have died for , and would die for now -- she 's gone ! ' 'Gone ! ' 'Em'ly 's run away ! Oh , Mas'r Davy , think HOW she 's run away , when I pray my good and gracious God to kill her ( her that is so dear above all things ) sooner than let her come to ruin and disgrace ! ' The face he turned up to the troubled sky , the quivering of his clasped hands , the agony of his figure , remain associated with the lonely waste , in my remembrance , to this hour . It is always night there , and he is the only object in the scene . 'You 're a scholar , ' he said , hurriedly , 'and know what 's right and best . What am I to say , indoors ? How am I ever to break it to him , Mas'r Davy ? ' I saw the door move , and instinctively tried to hold the latch on the outside , to gain a moment 's time . It was too late . Mr. Peggotty thrust forth his face ; and never could I forget the change that came upon it when he saw us , if I were to live five hundred years . I remember a great wail and cry , and the women hanging about him , and we all standing in the room ; I with a paper in my hand , which Ham had given me ; Mr. Peggotty , with his vest torn open , his hair wild , his face and lips quite white , and blood trickling down his bosom ( it had sprung from his mouth , I think ) , looking fixedly at me . 'Read it , sir , ' he said , in a low shivering voice . 'Slow , please . I doe n't know as I can understand . ' In the midst of the silence of death , I read thus , from a blotted letter : ' '' When you , who love me so much better than I ever have deserved , even when my mind was innocent , see this , I shall be far away . '' ' 'I shall be fur away , ' he repeated slowly . 'Stop ! Em'ly fur away . Well ! ' ' '' When I leave my dear home -- my dear home -- oh , my dear home ! -- in the morning , '' ' the letter bore date on the previous night : ' '' -- it will be never to come back , unless he brings me back a lady . This will be found at night , many hours after , instead of me . Oh , if you knew how my heart is torn . If even you , that I have wronged so much , that never can forgive me , could only know what I suffer ! I am too wicked to write about myself ! Oh , take comfort in thinking that I am so bad . Oh , for mercy 's sake , tell uncle that I never loved him half so dear as now . Oh , do n't remember how affectionate and kind you have all been to me -- do n't remember we were ever to be married -- but try to think as if I died when I was little , and was buried somewhere . Pray Heaven that I am going away from , have compassion on my uncle ! Tell him that I never loved him half so dear . Be his comfort . Love some good girl that will be what I was once to uncle , and be true to you , and worthy of you , and know no shame but me . God bless all ! I 'll pray for all , often , on my knees . If he do n't bring me back a lady , and I do n't pray for my own self , I 'll pray for all . My parting love to uncle . My last tears , and my last thanks , for uncle ! '' ' That was all . He stood , long after I had ceased to read , still looking at me . At length I ventured to take his hand , and to entreat him , as well as I could , to endeavour to get some command of himself . He replied , 'I thankee , sir , I thankee ! ' without moving . Ham spoke to him . Mr. Peggotty was so far sensible of HIS affliction , that he wrung his hand ; but , otherwise , he remained in the same state , and no one dared to disturb him . Slowly , at last , he moved his eyes from my face , as if he were waking from a vision , and cast them round the room . Then he said , in a low voice : 'Who 's the man ? I want to know his name . ' Ham glanced at me , and suddenly I felt a shock that struck me back . 'There 's a man suspected , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Who is it ? ' 'Mas'r Davy ! ' implored Ham . 'Go out a bit , and let me tell him what I must . You doe n't ought to hear it , sir . ' I felt the shock again . I sank down in a chair , and tried to utter some reply ; but my tongue was fettered , and my sight was weak . 'I want to know his name ! ' I heard said once more . 'For some time past , ' Ham faltered , 'there 's been a servant about here , at odd times . There 's been a gen'lm'n too . Both of 'em belonged to one another . ' Mr. Peggotty stood fixed as before , but now looking at him . 'The servant , ' pursued Ham , 'was seen along with -- our poor girl -- last night . He 's been in hiding about here , this week or over . He was thought to have gone , but he was hiding . Doe n't stay , Mas'r Davy , doe n't ! ' I felt Peggotty 's arm round my neck , but I could not have moved if the house had been about to fall upon me . 'A strange chay and hosses was outside town , this morning , on the Norwich road , a'most afore the day broke , ' Ham went on . 'The servant went to it , and come from it , and went to it again . When he went to it again , Em'ly was nigh him . The t'other was inside . He 's the man . ' 'For the Lord 's love , ' said Mr. Peggotty , falling back , and putting out his hand , as if to keep off what he dreaded . 'Doe n't tell me his name's Steerforth ! ' 'Mas'r Davy , ' exclaimed Ham , in a broken voice , 'it ai n't no fault of yourn -- and I am far from laying of it to you -- but his name is Steerforth , and he 's a damned villain ! ' Mr. Peggotty uttered no cry , and shed no tear , and moved no more , until he seemed to wake again , all at once , and pulled down his rough coat from its peg in a corner . 'Bear a hand with this ! I 'm struck of a heap , and ca n't do it , ' he said , impatiently . 'Bear a hand and help me . Well ! ' when somebody had done so . 'Now give me that theer hat ! ' Ham asked him whither he was going . 'I 'm a going to seek my niece . I 'm a going to seek my Em'ly . I 'm a going , first , to stave in that theer boat , and sink it where I would have drownded him , as I 'm a living soul , if I had had one thought of what was in him ! As he sat afore me , ' he said , wildly , holding out his clenched right hand , 'as he sat afore me , face to face , strike me down dead , but I 'd have drownded him , and thought it right ! -- I 'm a going to seek my niece . ' 'Where ? ' cried Ham , interposing himself before the door . 'Anywhere ! I 'm a going to seek my niece through the wureld . I 'm a going to find my poor niece in her shame , and bring her back . No one stop me ! I tell you I 'm a going to seek my niece ! ' 'No , no ! ' cried Mrs. Gummidge , coming between them , in a fit of crying . 'No , no , Dan'l , not as you are now . Seek her in a little while , my lone lorn Dan'l , and that 'll be but right ! but not as you are now . Sit ye down , and give me your forgiveness for having ever been a worrit to you , Dan'l -- what have my contraries ever been to this ! -- and let us speak a word about them times when she was first an orphan , and when Ham was too , and when I was a poor widder woman , and you took me in . It'll soften your poor heart , Dan'l , ' laying her head upon his shoulder , 'and you 'll bear your sorrow better ; for you know the promise , Dan'l , `` As you have done it unto one of the least of these , you have done it unto me '' , -- and that can never fail under this roof , that 's been our shelter for so many , many year ! ' He was quite passive now ; and when I heard him crying , the impulse that had been upon me to go down upon my knees , and ask their pardon for the desolation I had caused , and curse Steerforth , yielded to a better feeling , My overcharged heart found the same relief , and I cried too . CHAPTER 32 . THE BEGINNING OF A LONG JOURNEY What is natural in me , is natural in many other men , I infer , and so I am not afraid to write that I never had loved Steerforth better than when the ties that bound me to him were broken . In the keen distress of the discovery of his unworthiness , I thought more of all that was brilliant in him , I softened more towards all that was good in him , I did more justice to the qualities that might have made him a man of a noble nature and a great name , than ever I had done in the height of my devotion to him . Deeply as I felt my own unconscious part in his pollution of an honest home , I believed that if I had been brought face to face with him , I could not have uttered one reproach . I should have loved him so well still -- though he fascinated me no longer -- I should have held in so much tenderness the memory of my affection for him , that I think I should have been as weak as a spirit-wounded child , in all but the entertainment of a thought that we could ever be re-united . That thought I never had . I felt , as he had felt , that all was at an end between us . What his remembrances of me were , I have never known -- they were light enough , perhaps , and easily dismissed -- but mine of him were as the remembrances of a cherished friend , who was dead . Yes , Steerforth , long removed from the scenes of this poor history ! My sorrow may bear involuntary witness against you at the judgement Throne ; but my angry thoughts or my reproaches never will , I know ! The news of what had happened soon spread through the town ; insomuch that as I passed along the streets next morning , I overheard the people speaking of it at their doors . Many were hard upon her , some few were hard upon him , but towards her second father and her lover there was but one sentiment . Among all kinds of people a respect for them in their distress prevailed , which was full of gentleness and delicacy . The seafaring men kept apart , when those two were seen early , walking with slow steps on the beach ; and stood in knots , talking compassionately among themselves . It was on the beach , close down by the sea , that I found them . It would have been easy to perceive that they had not slept all last night , even if Peggotty had failed to tell me of their still sitting just as I left them , when it was broad day . They looked worn ; and I thought Mr. Peggotty 's head was bowed in one night more than in all the years I had known him . But they were both as grave and steady as the sea itself , then lying beneath a dark sky , waveless -- yet with a heavy roll upon it , as if it breathed in its rest -- and touched , on the horizon , with a strip of silvery light from the unseen sun . 'We have had a mort of talk , sir , ' said Mr. Peggotty to me , when we had all three walked a little while in silence , 'of what we ought and doen't ought to do . But we see our course now . ' I happened to glance at Ham , then looking out to sea upon the distant light , and a frightful thought came into my mind -- not that his face was angry , for it was not ; I recall nothing but an expression of stern determination in it -- that if ever he encountered Steerforth , he would kill him . 'My dooty here , sir , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'is done . I 'm a going to seek my -- ' he stopped , and went on in a firmer voice : 'I 'm a going to seek her . That 's my dooty evermore . ' He shook his head when I asked him where he would seek her , and inquired if I were going to London tomorrow ? I told him I had not gone today , fearing to lose the chance of being of any service to him ; but that I was ready to go when he would . 'I 'll go along with you , sir , ' he rejoined , 'if you 're agreeable , tomorrow . ' We walked again , for a while , in silence . 'Ham , 'he presently resumed , 'he 'll hold to his present work , and go and live along with my sister . The old boat yonder -- ' 'Will you desert the old boat , Mr . Peggotty ? ' I gently interposed . 'My station , Mas'r Davy , ' he returned , 'ai n't there no longer ; and if ever a boat foundered , since there was darkness on the face of the deep , that one 's gone down . But no , sir , no ; I doe n't mean as it should be deserted . Fur from that . ' We walked again for a while , as before , until he explained : 'My wishes is , sir , as it shall look , day and night , winter and summer , as it has always looked , since she fust know 'd it . If ever she should come a wandering back , I would n't have the old place seem to cast her off , you understand , but seem to tempt her to draw nigher to 't , and to peep in , maybe , like a ghost , out of the wind and rain , through the old winder , at the old seat by the fire . Then , maybe , Mas'r Davy , seein' none but Missis Gummidge there , she might take heart to creep in , trembling ; and might come to be laid down in her old bed , and rest her weary head where it was once so gay . ' I could not speak to him in reply , though I tried . 'Every night , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'as reg'lar as the night comes , the candle must be stood in its old pane of glass , that if ever she should see it , it may seem to say `` Come back , my child , come back ! '' If ever there 's a knock , Ham ( partic'ler a soft knock ) , arter dark , at your aunt 's door , doe n't you go nigh it . Let it be her -- not you -- that sees my fallen child ! ' He walked a little in front of us , and kept before us for some minutes . During this interval , I glanced at Ham again , and observing the same expression on his face , and his eyes still directed to the distant light , I touched his arm . Twice I called him by his name , in the tone in which I might have tried to rouse a sleeper , before he heeded me . When I at last inquired on what his thoughts were so bent , he replied : 'On what 's afore me , Mas'r Davy ; and over yon . ' 'On the life before you , do you mean ? ' He had pointed confusedly out to sea . 'Ay , Mas'r Davy . I doe n't rightly know how 't is , but from over yon there seemed to me to come -- the end of it like , ' looking at me as if he were waking , but with the same determined face . 'What end ? ' I asked , possessed by my former fear . 'I doe n't know , 'he said , thoughtfully ; 'I was calling to mind that the beginning of it all did take place here -- and then the end come . But it's gone ! Mas'r Davy , ' he added ; answering , as I think , my look ; 'you han't no call to be afeerd of me : but I 'm kiender muddled ; I do n't fare to feel no matters , ' -- which was as much as to say that he was not himself , and quite confounded . Mr. Peggotty stopping for us to join him : we did so , and said no more . The remembrance of this , in connexion with my former thought , however , haunted me at intervals , even until the inexorable end came at its appointed time . We insensibly approached the old boat , and entered . Mrs. Gummidge , no longer moping in her especial corner , was busy preparing breakfast . She took Mr. Peggotty 's hat , and placed his seat for him , and spoke so comfortably and softly , that I hardly knew her . 'Dan'l , my good man , ' said she , 'you must eat and drink , and keep up your strength , for without it you 'll do nowt . Try , that 's a dear soul ! An if I disturb you with my clicketten , ' she meant her chattering , 'tell me so , Dan'l , and I wo n't . ' When she had served us all , she withdrew to the window , where she sedulously employed herself in repairing some shirts and other clothes belonging to Mr. Peggotty , and neatly folding and packing them in an old oilskin bag , such as sailors carry . Meanwhile , she continued talking , in the same quiet manner : 'All times and seasons , you know , Dan'l , ' said Mrs. Gummidge , 'I shall be allus here , and everythink will look accordin ' to your wishes . I 'm a poor scholar , but I shall write to you , odd times , when you 're away , and send my letters to Mas'r Davy . Maybe you 'll write to me too , Dan'l , odd times , and tell me how you fare to feel upon your lone lorn journies . ' 'You 'll be a solitary woman heer , I 'm afeerd ! ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'No , no , Dan'l , ' she returned , 'I sha n't be that . Doe n't you mind me . I shall have enough to do to keep a Beein for you ' ( Mrs. Gummidge meant a home ) , 'again you come back -- to keep a Beein here for any that may hap to come back , Dan'l . In the fine time , I shall set outside the door as I used to do . If any should come nigh , they shall see the old widder woman true to 'em , a long way off . ' What a change in Mrs. Gummidge in a little time ! She was another woman . She was so devoted , she had such a quick perception of what it would be well to say , and what it would be well to leave unsaid ; she was so forgetful of herself , and so regardful of the sorrow about her , that I held her in a sort of veneration . The work she did that day ! There were many things to be brought up from the beach and stored in the outhouse -- as oars , nets , sails , cordage , spars , lobster-pots , bags of ballast , and the like ; and though there was abundance of assistance rendered , there being not a pair of working hands on all that shore but would have laboured hard for Mr. Peggotty , and been well paid in being asked to do it , yet she persisted , all day long , in toiling under weights that she was quite unequal to , and fagging to and fro on all sorts of unnecessary errands . As to deploring her misfortunes , she appeared to have entirely lost the recollection of ever having had any . She preserved an equable cheerfulness in the midst of her sympathy , which was not the least astonishing part of the change that had come over her . Querulousness was out of the question . I did not even observe her voice to falter , or a tear to escape from her eyes , the whole day through , until twilight ; when she and I and Mr. Peggotty being alone together , and he having fallen asleep in perfect exhaustion , she broke into a half-suppressed fit of sobbing and crying , and taking me to the door , said , 'Ever bless you , Mas'r Davy , be a friend to him , poor dear ! ' Then , she immediately ran out of the house to wash her face , in order that she might sit quietly beside him , and be found at work there , when he should awake . In short I left her , when I went away at night , the prop and staff of Mr. Peggotty 's affliction ; and I could not meditate enough upon the lesson that I read in Mrs. Gummidge , and the new experience she unfolded to me . It was between nine and ten o'clock when , strolling in a melancholy manner through the town , I stopped at Mr. Omer 's door . Mr. Omer had taken it so much to heart , his daughter told me , that he had been very low and poorly all day , and had gone to bed without his pipe . 'A deceitful , bad-hearted girl , ' said Mrs. Joram . 'There was no good in her , ever ! ' 'Do n't say so , ' I returned . 'You do n't think so . ' 'Yes , I do ! ' cried Mrs. Joram , angrily . 'No , no , ' said I. Mrs. Joram tossed her head , endeavouring to be very stern and cross ; but she could not command her softer self , and began to cry . I was young , to be sure ; but I thought much the better of her for this sympathy , and fancied it became her , as a virtuous wife and mother , very well indeed . 'What will she ever do ! ' sobbed Minnie . 'Where will she go ! What will become of her ! Oh , how could she be so cruel , to herself and him ! ' I remembered the time when Minnie was a young and pretty girl ; and I was glad she remembered it too , so feelingly . 'My little Minnie , ' said Mrs. Joram , 'has only just now been got to sleep . Even in her sleep she is sobbing for Em'ly . All day long , little Minnie has cried for her , and asked me , over and over again , whether Em'ly was wicked ? What can I say to her , when Em'ly tied a ribbon off her own neck round little Minnie 's the last night she was here , and laid her head down on the pillow beside her till she was fast asleep ! The ribbon 's round my little Minnie 's neck now . It ought not to be , perhaps , but what can I do ? Em'ly is very bad , but they were fond of one another . And the child knows nothing ! ' Mrs. Joram was so unhappy that her husband came out to take care of her . Leaving them together , I went home to Peggotty 's ; more melancholy myself , if possible , than I had been yet . That good creature -- I mean Peggotty -- all untired by her late anxieties and sleepless nights , was at her brother 's , where she meant to stay till morning . An old woman , who had been employed about the house for some weeks past , while Peggotty had been unable to attend to it , was the house 's only other occupant besides myself . As I had no occasion for her services , I sent her to bed , by no means against her will , and sat down before the kitchen fire a little while , to think about all this . I was blending it with the deathbed of the late Mr. Barkis , and was driving out with the tide towards the distance at which Ham had looked so singularly in the morning , when I was recalled from my wanderings by a knock at the door . There was a knocker upon the door , but it was not that which made the sound . The tap was from a hand , and low down upon the door , as if it were given by a child . It made me start as much as if it had been the knock of a footman to a person of distinction . I opened the door ; and at first looked down , to my amazement , on nothing but a great umbrella that appeared to be walking about of itself . But presently I discovered underneath it , Miss Mowcher . I might not have been prepared to give the little creature a very kind reception , if , on her removing the umbrella , which her utmost efforts were unable to shut up , she had shown me the 'volatile ' expression of face which had made so great an impression on me at our first and last meeting . But her face , as she turned it up to mine , was so earnest ; and when I relieved her of the umbrella ( which would have been an inconvenient one for the Irish Giant ) , she wrung her little hands in such an afflicted manner ; that I rather inclined towards her . 'Miss Mowcher ! ' said I , after glancing up and down the empty street , without distinctly knowing what I expected to see besides ; 'how do you come here ? What is the matter ? ' She motioned to me with her short right arm , to shut the umbrella for her ; and passing me hurriedly , went into the kitchen . When I had closed the door , and followed , with the umbrella in my hand , I found her sitting on the corner of the fender -- it was a low iron one , with two flat bars at top to stand plates upon -- in the shadow of the boiler , swaying herself backwards and forwards , and chafing her hands upon her knees like a person in pain . Quite alarmed at being the only recipient of this untimely visit , and the only spectator of this portentous behaviour , I exclaimed again , 'Pray tell me , Miss Mowcher , what is the matter ! are you ill ? ' 'My dear young soul , ' returned Miss Mowcher , squeezing her hands upon her heart one over the other . 'I am ill here , I am very ill. To think that it should come to this , when I might have known it and perhaps prevented it , if I had n't been a thoughtless fool ! ' Again her large bonnet ( very disproportionate to the figure ) went backwards and forwards , in her swaying of her little body to and fro ; while a most gigantic bonnet rocked , in unison with it , upon the wall . 'I am surprised , ' I began , 'to see you so distressed and serious ' -- when she interrupted me . 'Yes , it 's always so ! ' she said . 'They are all surprised , these inconsiderate young people , fairly and full grown , to see any natural feeling in a little thing like me ! They make a plaything of me , use me for their amusement , throw me away when they are tired , and wonder that I feel more than a toy horse or a wooden soldier ! Yes , yes , that 's the way . The old way ! ' 'It may be , with others , ' I returned , 'but I do assure you it is not with me . Perhaps I ought not to be at all surprised to see you as you are now : I know so little of you . I said , without consideration , what I thought . ' 'What can I do ? ' returned the little woman , standing up , and holding out her arms to show herself . 'See ! What I am , my father was ; and my sister is ; and my brother is . I have worked for sister and brother these many years -- hard , Mr. Copperfield -- all day . I must live . I do no harm . If there are people so unreflecting or so cruel , as to make a jest of me , what is left for me to do but to make a jest of myself , them , and everything ? If I do so , for the time , whose fault is that ? Mine ? ' No . Not Miss Mowcher 's , I perceived . 'If I had shown myself a sensitive dwarf to your false friend , ' pursued the little woman , shaking her head at me , with reproachful earnestness , 'how much of his help or good will do you think I should ever have had ? If little Mowcher ( who had no hand , young gentleman , in the making of herself ) addressed herself to him , or the like of him , because of her misfortunes , when do you suppose her small voice would have been heard ? Little Mowcher would have as much need to live , if she was the bitterest and dullest of pigmies ; but she could n't do it . No . She might whistle for her bread and butter till she died of Air . ' Miss Mowcher sat down on the fender again , and took out her handkerchief , and wiped her eyes . 'Be thankful for me , if you have a kind heart , as I think you have , ' she said , 'that while I know well what I am , I can be cheerful and endure it all . I am thankful for myself , at any rate , that I can find my tiny way through the world , without being beholden to anyone ; and that in return for all that is thrown at me , in folly or vanity , as I go along , I can throw bubbles back . If I do n't brood over all I want , it is the better for me , and not the worse for anyone . If I am a plaything for you giants , be gentle with me . ' Miss Mowcher replaced her handkerchief in her pocket , looking at me with very intent expression all the while , and pursued : 'I saw you in the street just now . You may suppose I am not able to walk as fast as you , with my short legs and short breath , and I couldn't overtake you ; but I guessed where you came , and came after you . I have been here before , today , but the good woman was n't at home . ' 'Do you know her ? ' I demanded . 'I know of her , and about her , ' she replied , 'from Omer and Joram . I was there at seven o'clock this morning . Do you remember what Steerforth said to me about this unfortunate girl , that time when I saw you both at the inn ? ' The great bonnet on Miss Mowcher 's head , and the greater bonnet on the wall , began to go backwards and forwards again when she asked this question . I remembered very well what she referred to , having had it in my thoughts many times that day . I told her so . 'May the Father of all Evil confound him , ' said the little woman , holding up her forefinger between me and her sparkling eyes , 'and ten times more confound that wicked servant ; but I believed it was YOU who had a boyish passion for her ! ' 'I ? ' I repeated . 'Child , child ! In the name of blind ill-fortune , ' cried Miss Mowcher , wringing her hands impatiently , as she went to and fro again upon the fender , 'why did you praise her so , and blush , and look disturbed ? ' I could not conceal from myself that I had done this , though for a reason very different from her supposition . 'What did I know ? ' said Miss Mowcher , taking out her handkerchief again , and giving one little stamp on the ground whenever , at short intervals , she applied it to her eyes with both hands at once . 'He was crossing you and wheedling you , I saw ; and you were soft wax in his hands , I saw . Had I left the room a minute , when his man told me that `` Young Innocence '' ( so he called you , and you may call him `` Old Guilt '' all the days of your life ) had set his heart upon her , and she was giddy and liked him , but his master was resolved that no harm should come of it -- more for your sake than for hers -- and that that was their business here ? How could I BUT believe him ? I saw Steerforth soothe and please you by his praise of her ! You were the first to mention her name . You owned to an old admiration of her . You were hot and cold , and red and white , all at once when I spoke to you of her . What could I think -- what DID I think -- but that you were a young libertine in everything but experience , and had fallen into hands that had experience enough , and could manage you ( having the fancy ) for your own good ? Oh ! oh ! oh ! They were afraid of my finding out the truth , ' exclaimed Miss Mowcher , getting off the fender , and trotting up and down the kitchen with her two short arms distressfully lifted up , 'because I am a sharp little thing -- I need be , to get through the world at all ! -- and they deceived me altogether , and I gave the poor unfortunate girl a letter , which I fully believe was the beginning of her ever speaking to Littimer , who was left behind on purpose ! ' I stood amazed at the revelation of all this perfidy , looking at Miss Mowcher as she walked up and down the kitchen until she was out of breath : when she sat upon the fender again , and , drying her face with her handkerchief , shook her head for a long time , without otherwise moving , and without breaking silence . 'My country rounds , ' she added at length , 'brought me to Norwich , Mr. Copperfield , the night before last . What I happened to find there , about their secret way of coming and going , without you -- which was strange -- led to my suspecting something wrong . I got into the coach from London last night , as it came through Norwich , and was here this morning . Oh , oh , oh ! too late ! ' Poor little Mowcher turned so chilly after all her crying and fretting , that she turned round on the fender , putting her poor little wet feet in among the ashes to warm them , and sat looking at the fire , like a large doll . I sat in a chair on the other side of the hearth , lost in unhappy reflections , and looking at the fire too , and sometimes at her . 'I must go , ' she said at last , rising as she spoke . 'It 's late . You do n't mistrust me ? ' Meeting her sharp glance , which was as sharp as ever when she asked me , I could not on that short challenge answer no , quite frankly . 'Come ! ' said she , accepting the offer of my hand to help her over the fender , and looking wistfully up into my face , 'you know you wouldn't mistrust me , if I was a full-sized woman ! ' I felt that there was much truth in this ; and I felt rather ashamed of myself . 'You are a young man , ' she said , nodding . 'Take a word of advice , even from three foot nothing . Try not to associate bodily defects with mental , my good friend , except for a solid reason . ' She had got over the fender now , and I had got over my suspicion . I told her that I believed she had given me a faithful account of herself , and that we had both been hapless instruments in designing hands . She thanked me , and said I was a good fellow . 'Now , mind ! ' she exclaimed , turning back on her way to the door , and looking shrewdly at me , with her forefinger up again. -- 'I have some reason to suspect , from what I have heard -- my ears are always open ; I ca n't afford to spare what powers I have -- that they are gone abroad . But if ever they return , if ever any one of them returns , while I am alive , I am more likely than another , going about as I do , to find it out soon . Whatever I know , you shall know . If ever I can do anything to serve the poor betrayed girl , I will do it faithfully , please Heaven ! And Littimer had better have a bloodhound at his back , than little Mowcher ! ' I placed implicit faith in this last statement , when I marked the look with which it was accompanied . 'Trust me no more , but trust me no less , than you would trust a full-sized woman , ' said the little creature , touching me appealingly on the wrist . 'If ever you see me again , unlike what I am now , and like what I was when you first saw me , observe what company I am in . Call to mind that I am a very helpless and defenceless little thing . Think of me at home with my brother like myself and sister like myself , when my day 's work is done . Perhaps you wo n't , then , be very hard upon me , or surprised if I can be distressed and serious . Good night ! ' I gave Miss Mowcher my hand , with a very different opinion of her from that which I had hitherto entertained , and opened the door to let her out . It was not a trifling business to get the great umbrella up , and properly balanced in her grasp ; but at last I successfully accomplished this , and saw it go bobbing down the street through the rain , without the least appearance of having anybody underneath it , except when a heavier fall than usual from some over-charged water-spout sent it toppling over , on one side , and discovered Miss Mowcher struggling violently to get it right . After making one or two sallies to her relief , which were rendered futile by the umbrella 's hopping on again , like an immense bird , before I could reach it , I came in , went to bed , and slept till morning . In the morning I was joined by Mr. Peggotty and by my old nurse , and we went at an early hour to the coach office , where Mrs. Gummidge and Ham were waiting to take leave of us . 'Mas'r Davy , ' Ham whispered , drawing me aside , while Mr. Peggotty was stowing his bag among the luggage , 'his life is quite broke up . He doe n't know wheer he 's going ; he doe n't know -- what 's afore him ; he's bound upon a voyage that 'll last , on and off , all the rest of his days , take my wured for 't , unless he finds what he 's a seeking of . I am sure you 'll be a friend to him , Mas'r Davy ? ' 'Trust me , I will indeed , ' said I , shaking hands with Ham earnestly . 'Thankee . Thankee , very kind , sir . One thing furder . I 'm in good employ , you know , Mas'r Davy , and I ha n't no way now of spending what I gets . Money 's of no use to me no more , except to live . If you can lay it out for him , I shall do my work with a better art . Though as to that , sir , ' and he spoke very steadily and mildly , 'you 're not to think but I shall work at all times , like a man , and act the best that lays in my power ! ' I told him I was well convinced of it ; and I hinted that I hoped the time might even come , when he would cease to lead the lonely life he naturally contemplated now . 'No , sir , ' he said , shaking his head , 'all that 's past and over with me , sir . No one can never fill the place that 's empty . But you 'll bear in mind about the money , as theer 's at all times some laying by for him ? ' Reminding him of the fact , that Mr. Peggotty derived a steady , though certainly a very moderate income from the bequest of his late brother-in-law , I promised to do so . We then took leave of each other . I can not leave him even now , without remembering with a pang , at once his modest fortitude and his great sorrow . As to Mrs. Gummidge , if I were to endeavour to describe how she ran down the street by the side of the coach , seeing nothing but Mr. Peggotty on the roof , through the tears she tried to repress , and dashing herself against the people who were coming in the opposite direction , I should enter on a task of some difficulty . Therefore I had better leave her sitting on a baker 's door-step , out of breath , with no shape at all remaining in her bonnet , and one of her shoes off , lying on the pavement at a considerable distance . When we got to our journey 's end , our first pursuit was to look about for a little lodging for Peggotty , where her brother could have a bed . We were so fortunate as to find one , of a very clean and cheap description , over a chandler 's shop , only two streets removed from me . When we had engaged this domicile , I bought some cold meat at an eating-house , and took my fellow-travellers home to tea ; a proceeding , I regret to state , which did not meet with Mrs. Crupp 's approval , but quite the contrary . I ought to observe , however , in explanation of that lady 's state of mind , that she was much offended by Peggotty 's tucking up her widow 's gown before she had been ten minutes in the place , and setting to work to dust my bedroom . This Mrs. Crupp regarded in the light of a liberty , and a liberty , she said , was a thing she never allowed . Mr. Peggotty had made a communication to me on the way to London for which I was not unprepared . It was , that he purposed first seeing Mrs. Steerforth . As I felt bound to assist him in this , and also to mediate between them ; with the view of sparing the mother 's feelings as much as possible , I wrote to her that night . I told her as mildly as I could what his wrong was , and what my own share in his injury . I said he was a man in very common life , but of a most gentle and upright character ; and that I ventured to express a hope that she would not refuse to see him in his heavy trouble . I mentioned two o'clock in the afternoon as the hour of our coming , and I sent the letter myself by the first coach in the morning . At the appointed time , we stood at the door -- the door of that house where I had been , a few days since , so happy : where my youthful confidence and warmth of heart had been yielded up so freely : which was closed against me henceforth : which was now a waste , a ruin . No Littimer appeared . The pleasanter face which had replaced his , on the occasion of my last visit , answered to our summons , and went before us to the drawing-room . Mrs. Steerforth was sitting there . Rosa Dartle glided , as we went in , from another part of the room and stood behind her chair . I saw , directly , in his mother 's face , that she knew from himself what he had done . It was very pale ; and bore the traces of deeper emotion than my letter alone , weakened by the doubts her fondness would have raised upon it , would have been likely to create . I thought her more like him than ever I had thought her ; and I felt , rather than saw , that the resemblance was not lost on my companion . She sat upright in her arm-chair , with a stately , immovable , passionless air , that it seemed as if nothing could disturb . She looked very steadfastly at Mr. Peggotty when he stood before her ; and he looked quite as steadfastly at her . Rosa Dartle 's keen glance comprehended all of us . For some moments not a word was spoken . She motioned to Mr. Peggotty to be seated . He said , in a low voice , 'I should n't feel it nat'ral , ma'am , to sit down in this house . I 'd sooner stand . ' And this was succeeded by another silence , which she broke thus : 'I know , with deep regret , what has brought you here . What do you want of me ? What do you ask me to do ? ' He put his hat under his arm , and feeling in his breast for Emily's letter , took it out , unfolded it , and gave it to her . 'Please to read that , ma'am . That 's my niece 's hand ! ' She read it , in the same stately and impassive way , -- untouched by its contents , as far as I could see , -- and returned it to him . ' '' Unless he brings me back a lady , '' ' said Mr. Peggotty , tracing out that part with his finger . 'I come to know , ma'am , whether he will keep his wured ? ' 'No , ' she returned . 'Why not ? ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'It is impossible . He would disgrace himself . You can not fail to know that she is far below him . ' 'Raise her up ! ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'She is uneducated and ignorant . ' 'Maybe she 's not ; maybe she is , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'I think not , ma'am ; but I 'm no judge of them things . Teach her better ! ' 'Since you oblige me to speak more plainly , which I am very unwilling to do , her humble connexions would render such a thing impossible , if nothing else did . ' 'Hark to this , ma'am , ' he returned , slowly and quietly . 'You know what it is to love your child . So do I . If she was a hundred times my child , I could n't love her more . You doe n't know what it is to lose your child . I do . All the heaps of riches in the wureld would be nowt to me ( if they was mine ) to buy her back ! But , save her from this disgrace , and she shall never be disgraced by us . Not one of us that she 's growed up among , not one of us that 's lived along with her and had her for their all in all , these many year , will ever look upon her pritty face again . We 'll be content to let her be ; we 'll be content to think of her , far off , as if she was underneath another sun and sky ; we 'll be content to trust her to her husband , -- to her little children , p'raps , -- and bide the time when all of us shall be alike in quality afore our God ! ' The rugged eloquence with which he spoke , was not devoid of all effect . She still preserved her proud manner , but there was a touch of softness in her voice , as she answered : 'I justify nothing . I make no counter-accusations . But I am sorry to repeat , it is impossible . Such a marriage would irretrievably blight my son 's career , and ruin his prospects . Nothing is more certain than that it never can take place , and never will . If there is any other compensation -- ' 'I am looking at the likeness of the face , ' interrupted Mr. Peggotty , with a steady but a kindling eye , 'that has looked at me , in my home , at my fireside , in my boat -- wheer not ? -- -smiling and friendly , when it was so treacherous , that I go half wild when I think of it . If the likeness of that face do n't turn to burning fire , at the thought of offering money to me for my child 's blight and ruin , it 's as bad . I doe n't know , being a lady 's , but what it 's worse . ' She changed now , in a moment . An angry flush overspread her features ; and she said , in an intolerant manner , grasping the arm-chair tightly with her hands : 'What compensation can you make to ME for opening such a pit between me and my son ? What is your love to mine ? What is your separation to ours ? ' Miss Dartle softly touched her , and bent down her head to whisper , but she would not hear a word . 'No , Rosa , not a word ! Let the man listen to what I say ! My son , who has been the object of my life , to whom its every thought has been devoted , whom I have gratified from a child in every wish , from whom I have had no separate existence since his birth , -- to take up in a moment with a miserable girl , and avoid me ! To repay my confidence with systematic deception , for her sake , and quit me for her ! To set this wretched fancy , against his mother 's claims upon his duty , love , respect , gratitude -- claims that every day and hour of his life should have strengthened into ties that nothing could be proof against ! Is this no injury ? ' Again Rosa Dartle tried to soothe her ; again ineffectually . 'I say , Rosa , not a word ! If he can stake his all upon the lightest object , I can stake my all upon a greater purpose . Let him go where he will , with the means that my love has secured to him ! Does he think to reduce me by long absence ? He knows his mother very little if he does . Let him put away his whim now , and he is welcome back . Let him not put her away now , and he never shall come near me , living or dying , while I can raise my hand to make a sign against it , unless , being rid of her for ever , he comes humbly to me and begs for my forgiveness . This is my right . This is the acknowledgement I WILL HAVE . This is the separation that there is between us ! And is this , ' she added , looking at her visitor with the proud intolerant air with which she had begun , 'no injury ? ' While I heard and saw the mother as she said these words , I seemed to hear and see the son , defying them . All that I had ever seen in him of an unyielding , wilful spirit , I saw in her . All the understanding that I had now of his misdirected energy , became an understanding of her character too , and a perception that it was , in its strongest springs , the same . She now observed to me , aloud , resuming her former restraint , that it was useless to hear more , or to say more , and that she begged to put an end to the interview . She rose with an air of dignity to leave the room , when Mr. Peggotty signified that it was needless . 'Doe n't fear me being any hindrance to you , I have no more to say , ma'am , ' he remarked , as he moved towards the door . 'I come heer with no hope , and I take away no hope . I have done what I thowt should be done , but I never looked fur any good to come of my stan'ning where I do . This has been too evil a house fur me and mine , fur me to be in my right senses and expect it . ' With this , we departed ; leaving her standing by her elbow-chair , a picture of a noble presence and a handsome face . We had , on our way out , to cross a paved hall , with glass sides and roof , over which a vine was trained . Its leaves and shoots were green then , and the day being sunny , a pair of glass doors leading to the garden were thrown open . Rosa Dartle , entering this way with a noiseless step , when we were close to them , addressed herself to me : 'You do well , ' she said , 'indeed , to bring this fellow here ! ' Such a concentration of rage and scorn as darkened her face , and flashed in her jet-black eyes , I could not have thought compressible even into that face . The scar made by the hammer was , as usual in this excited state of her features , strongly marked . When the throbbing I had seen before , came into it as I looked at her , she absolutely lifted up her hand , and struck it . 'This is a fellow , ' she said , 'to champion and bring here , is he not ? You are a true man ! ' 'Miss Dartle , ' I returned , 'you are surely not so unjust as to condemn ME ! ' 'Why do you bring division between these two mad creatures ? ' she returned . 'Do n't you know that they are both mad with their own self-will and pride ? ' 'Is it my doing ? ' I returned . 'Is it your doing ! ' she retorted . 'Why do you bring this man here ? ' 'He is a deeply-injured man , Miss Dartle , ' I replied . 'You may not know it . ' 'I know that James Steerforth , ' she said , with her hand on her bosom , as if to prevent the storm that was raging there , from being loud , 'has a false , corrupt heart , and is a traitor . But what need I know or care about this fellow , and his common niece ? ' 'Miss Dartle , ' I returned , 'you deepen the injury . It is sufficient already . I will only say , at parting , that you do him a great wrong . ' 'I do him no wrong , ' she returned . 'They are a depraved , worthless set . I would have her whipped ! ' Mr. Peggotty passed on , without a word , and went out at the door . 'Oh , shame , Miss Dartle ! shame ! ' I said indignantly . 'How can you bear to trample on his undeserved affliction ! ' 'I would trample on them all , ' she answered . 'I would have his house pulled down . I would have her branded on the face , dressed in rags , and cast out in the streets to starve . If I had the power to sit in judgement on her , I would see it done . See it done ? I would do it ! I detest her . If I ever could reproach her with her infamous condition , I would go anywhere to do so . If I could hunt her to her grave , I would . If there was any word of comfort that would be a solace to her in her dying hour , and only I possessed it , I would n't part with it for Life itself . ' The mere vehemence of her words can convey , I am sensible , but a weak impression of the passion by which she was possessed , and which made itself articulate in her whole figure , though her voice , instead of being raised , was lower than usual . No description I could give of her would do justice to my recollection of her , or to her entire deliverance of herself to her anger . I have seen passion in many forms , but I have never seen it in such a form as that . When I joined Mr. Peggotty , he was walking slowly and thoughtfully down the hill . He told me , as soon as I came up with him , that having now discharged his mind of what he had purposed doing in London , he meant 'to set out on his travels ' , that night . I asked him where he meant to go ? He only answered , 'I 'm a going , sir , to seek my niece . ' We went back to the little lodging over the chandler 's shop , and there I found an opportunity of repeating to Peggotty what he had said to me . She informed me , in return , that he had said the same to her that morning . She knew no more than I did , where he was going , but she thought he had some project shaped out in his mind . I did not like to leave him , under such circumstances , and we all three dined together off a beefsteak pie -- which was one of the many good things for which Peggotty was famous -- and which was curiously flavoured on this occasion , I recollect well , by a miscellaneous taste of tea , coffee , butter , bacon , cheese , new loaves , firewood , candles , and walnut ketchup , continually ascending from the shop . After dinner we sat for an hour or so near the window , without talking much ; and then Mr. Peggotty got up , and brought his oilskin bag and his stout stick , and laid them on the table . He accepted , from his sister 's stock of ready money , a small sum on account of his legacy ; barely enough , I should have thought , to keep him for a month . He promised to communicate with me , when anything befell him ; and he slung his bag about him , took his hat and stick , and bade us both 'Good-bye ! ' 'All good attend you , dear old woman , ' he said , embracing Peggotty , 'and you too , Mas'r Davy ! ' shaking hands with me . 'I 'm a-going to seek her , fur and wide . If she should come home while I 'm away -- but ah , that ain't like to be ! -- or if I should bring her back , my meaning is , that she and me shall live and die where no one ca n't reproach her . If any hurt should come to me , remember that the last words I left for her was , `` My unchanged love is with my darling child , and I forgive her ! '' ' He said this solemnly , bare-headed ; then , putting on his hat , he went down the stairs , and away . We followed to the door . It was a warm , dusty evening , just the time when , in the great main thoroughfare out of which that by-way turned , there was a temporary lull in the eternal tread of feet upon the pavement , and a strong red sunshine . He turned , alone , at the corner of our shady street , into a glow of light , in which we lost him . Rarely did that hour of the evening come , rarely did I wake at night , rarely did I look up at the moon , or stars , or watch the falling rain , or hear the wind , but I thought of his solitary figure toiling on , poor pilgrim , and recalled the words : 'I 'm a going to seek her , fur and wide . If any hurt should come to me , remember that the last words I left for her was , `` My unchanged love is with my darling child , and I forgive her ! '' ' CHAPTER 33 . BLISSFUL All this time , I had gone on loving Dora , harder than ever . Her idea was my refuge in disappointment and distress , and made some amends to me , even for the loss of my friend . The more I pitied myself , or pitied others , the more I sought for consolation in the image of Dora . The greater the accumulation of deceit and trouble in the world , the brighter and the purer shone the star of Dora high above the world . I do n't think I had any definite idea where Dora came from , or in what degree she was related to a higher order of beings ; but I am quite sure I should have scouted the notion of her being simply human , like any other young lady , with indignation and contempt . If I may so express it , I was steeped in Dora . I was not merely over head and ears in love with her , but I was saturated through and through . Enough love might have been wrung out of me , metaphorically speaking , to drown anybody in ; and yet there would have remained enough within me , and all over me , to pervade my entire existence . The first thing I did , on my own account , when I came back , was to take a night-walk to Norwood , and , like the subject of a venerable riddle of my childhood , to go 'round and round the house , without ever touching the house ' , thinking about Dora . I believe the theme of this incomprehensible conundrum was the moon . No matter what it was , I , the moon-struck slave of Dora , perambulated round and round the house and garden for two hours , looking through crevices in the palings , getting my chin by dint of violent exertion above the rusty nails on the top , blowing kisses at the lights in the windows , and romantically calling on the night , at intervals , to shield my Dora -- I do n't exactly know what from , I suppose from fire . Perhaps from mice , to which she had a great objection . My love was so much in my mind and it was so natural to me to confide in Peggotty , when I found her again by my side of an evening with the old set of industrial implements , busily making the tour of my wardrobe , that I imparted to her , in a sufficiently roundabout way , my great secret . Peggotty was strongly interested , but I could not get her into my view of the case at all . She was audaciously prejudiced in my favour , and quite unable to understand why I should have any misgivings , or be low-spirited about it . 'The young lady might think herself well off , ' she observed , 'to have such a beau . And as to her Pa , ' she said , 'what did the gentleman expect , for gracious sake ! ' I observed , however , that Mr. Spenlow 's proctorial gown and stiff cravat took Peggotty down a little , and inspired her with a greater reverence for the man who was gradually becoming more and more etherealized in my eyes every day , and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam when he sat erect in Court among his papers , like a little lighthouse in a sea of stationery . And by the by , it used to be uncommonly strange to me to consider , I remember , as I sat in Court too , how those dim old judges and doctors would n't have cared for Dora , if they had known her ; how they would n't have gone out of their senses with rapture , if marriage with Dora had been proposed to them ; how Dora might have sung , and played upon that glorified guitar , until she led me to the verge of madness , yet not have tempted one of those slow-goers an inch out of his road ! I despised them , to a man . Frozen-out old gardeners in the flower-beds of the heart , I took a personal offence against them all . The Bench was nothing to me but an insensible blunderer . The Bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it , than the bar of a public-house . Taking the management of Peggotty 's affairs into my own hands , with no little pride , I proved the will , and came to a settlement with the Legacy Duty-office , and took her to the Bank , and soon got everything into an orderly train . We varied the legal character of these proceedings by going to see some perspiring Wax-work , in Fleet Street ( melted , I should hope , these twenty years ) ; and by visiting Miss Linwood 's Exhibition , which I remember as a Mausoleum of needlework , favourable to self-examination and repentance ; and by inspecting the Tower of London ; and going to the top of St. Paul 's . All these wonders afforded Peggotty as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy , under existing circumstances : except , I think , St. Paul 's , which , from her long attachment to her work-box , became a rival of the picture on the lid , and was , in some particulars , vanquished , she considered , by that work of art . Peggotty 's business , which was what we used to call 'common-form business ' in the Commons ( and very light and lucrative the common-form business was ) , being settled , I took her down to the office one morning to pay her bill . Mr. Spenlow had stepped out , old Tiffey said , to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage licence ; but as I knew he would be back directly , our place lying close to the Surrogate 's , and to the Vicar-General 's office too , I told Peggotty to wait . We were a little like undertakers , in the Commons , as regarded Probate transactions ; generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up , when we had to deal with clients in mourning . In a similar feeling of delicacy , we were always blithe and light-hearted with the licence clients . Therefore I hinted to Peggotty that she would find Mr. Spenlow much recovered from the shock of Mr. Barkis 's decease ; and indeed he came in like a bridegroom . But neither Peggotty nor I had eyes for him , when we saw , in company with him , Mr. Murdstone . He was very little changed . His hair looked as thick , and was certainly as black , as ever ; and his glance was as little to be trusted as of old . 'Ah , Copperfield ? ' said Mr. Spenlow . 'You know this gentleman , I believe ? ' I made my gentleman a distant bow , and Peggotty barely recognized him . He was , at first , somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together ; but quickly decided what to do , and came up to me . 'I hope , ' he said , 'that you are doing well ? ' 'It can hardly be interesting to you , ' said I . 'Yes , if you wish to know . ' We looked at each other , and he addressed himself to Peggotty . 'And you , ' said he . 'I am sorry to observe that you have lost your husband . ' 'It 's not the first loss I have had in my life , Mr. Murdstone , ' replied Peggotty , trembling from head to foot . 'I am glad to hope that there is nobody to blame for this one , -- nobody to answer for it . ' 'Ha ! ' said he ; 'that 's a comfortable reflection . You have done your duty ? ' 'I have not worn anybody 's life away , ' said Peggotty , 'I am thankful to think ! No , Mr. Murdstone , I have not worrited and frightened any sweet creetur to an early grave ! ' He eyed her gloomily -- remorsefully I thought -- for an instant ; and said , turning his head towards me , but looking at my feet instead of my face : 'We are not likely to encounter soon again ; -- a source of satisfaction to us both , no doubt , for such meetings as this can never be agreeable . I do not expect that you , who always rebelled against my just authority , exerted for your benefit and reformation , should owe me any good-will now . There is an antipathy between us -- ' 'An old one , I believe ? ' said I , interrupting him . He smiled , and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark eyes . 'It rankled in your baby breast , ' he said . 'It embittered the life of your poor mother . You are right . I hope you may do better , yet ; I hope you may correct yourself . ' Here he ended the dialogue , which had been carried on in a low voice , in a corner of the outer office , by passing into Mr. Spenlow 's room , and saying aloud , in his smoothest manner : 'Gentlemen of Mr. Spenlow 's profession are accustomed to family differences , and know how complicated and difficult they always are ! ' With that , he paid the money for his licence ; and , receiving it neatly folded from Mr. Spenlow , together with a shake of the hand , and a polite wish for his happiness and the lady 's , went out of the office . I might have had more difficulty in constraining myself to be silent under his words , if I had had less difficulty in impressing upon Peggotty ( who was only angry on my account , good creature ! ) that we were not in a place for recrimination , and that I besought her to hold her peace . She was so unusually roused , that I was glad to compound for an affectionate hug , elicited by this revival in her mind of our old injuries , and to make the best I could of it , before Mr. Spenlow and the clerks . Mr. Spenlow did not appear to know what the connexion between Mr. Murdstone and myself was ; which I was glad of , for I could not bear to acknowledge him , even in my own breast , remembering what I did of the history of my poor mother . Mr. Spenlow seemed to think , if he thought anything about the matter , that my aunt was the leader of the state party in our family , and that there was a rebel party commanded by somebody else -- so I gathered at least from what he said , while we were waiting for Mr. Tiffey to make out Peggotty 's bill of costs . 'Miss Trotwood , ' he remarked , 'is very firm , no doubt , and not likely to give way to opposition . I have an admiration for her character , and I may congratulate you , Copperfield , on being on the right side . Differences between relations are much to be deplored -- but they are extremely general -- and the great thing is , to be on the right side ' : meaning , I take it , on the side of the moneyed interest . 'Rather a good marriage this , I believe ? ' said Mr. Spenlow . I explained that I knew nothing about it . 'Indeed ! ' he said . 'Speaking from the few words Mr. Murdstone dropped -- as a man frequently does on these occasions -- and from what Miss Murdstone let fall , I should say it was rather a good marriage . ' 'Do you mean that there is money , sir ? ' I asked . 'Yes , ' said Mr. Spenlow , 'I understand there 's money . Beauty too , I am told . ' 'Indeed ! Is his new wife young ? ' 'Just of age , ' said Mr. Spenlow . 'So lately , that I should think they had been waiting for that . ' 'Lord deliver her ! ' said Peggotty . So very emphatically and unexpectedly , that we were all three discomposed ; until Tiffey came in with the bill . Old Tiffey soon appeared , however , and handed it to Mr. Spenlow , to look over . Mr. Spenlow , settling his chin in his cravat and rubbing it softly , went over the items with a deprecatory air -- as if it were all Jorkins 's doing -- and handed it back to Tiffey with a bland sigh . 'Yes , ' he said . 'That 's right . Quite right . I should have been extremely happy , Copperfield , to have limited these charges to the actual expenditure out of pocket , but it is an irksome incident in my professional life , that I am not at liberty to consult my own wishes . I have a partner -- Mr . Jorkins . ' As he said this with a gentle melancholy , which was the next thing to making no charge at all , I expressed my acknowledgements on Peggotty's behalf , and paid Tiffey in banknotes . Peggotty then retired to her lodging , and Mr. Spenlow and I went into Court , where we had a divorce-suit coming on , under an ingenious little statute ( repealed now , I believe , but in virtue of which I have seen several marriages annulled ) , of which the merits were these . The husband , whose name was Thomas Benjamin , had taken out his marriage licence as Thomas only ; suppressing the Benjamin , in case he should not find himself as comfortable as he expected . NOT finding himself as comfortable as he expected , or being a little fatigued with his wife , poor fellow , he now came forward , by a friend , after being married a year or two , and declared that his name was Thomas Benjamin , and therefore he was not married at all . Which the Court confirmed , to his great satisfaction . I must say that I had my doubts about the strict justice of this , and was not even frightened out of them by the bushel of wheat which reconciles all anomalies . But Mr. Spenlow argued the matter with me . He said , Look at the world , there was good and evil in that ; look at the ecclesiastical law , there was good and evil in THAT . It was all part of a system . Very good . There you were ! I had not the hardihood to suggest to Dora 's father that possibly we might even improve the world a little , if we got up early in the morning , and took off our coats to the work ; but I confessed that I thought we might improve the Commons . Mr. Spenlow replied that he would particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind , as not being worthy of my gentlemanly character ; but that he would be glad to hear from me of what improvement I thought the Commons susceptible ? Taking that part of the Commons which happened to be nearest to us -- for our man was unmarried by this time , and we were out of Court , and strolling past the Prerogative Office -- I submitted that I thought the Prerogative Office rather a queerly managed institution . Mr. Spenlow inquired in what respect ? I replied , with all due deference to his experience ( but with more deference , I am afraid , to his being Dora's father ) , that perhaps it was a little nonsensical that the Registry of that Court , containing the original wills of all persons leaving effects within the immense province of Canterbury , for three whole centuries , should be an accidental building , never designed for the purpose , leased by the registrars for their Own private emolument , unsafe , not even ascertained to be fire-proof , choked with the important documents it held , and positively , from the roof to the basement , a mercenary speculation of the registrars , who took great fees from the public , and crammed the public 's wills away anyhow and anywhere , having no other object than to get rid of them cheaply . That , perhaps , it was a little unreasonable that these registrars in the receipt of profits amounting to eight or nine thousand pounds a year ( to say nothing of the profits of the deputy registrars , and clerks of seats ) , should not be obliged to spend a little of that money , in finding a reasonably safe place for the important documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand over to them , whether they would or no . That , perhaps , it was a little unjust , that all the great offices in this great office should be magnificent sinecures , while the unfortunate working-clerks in the cold dark room upstairs were the worst rewarded , and the least considered men , doing important services , in London . That perhaps it was a little indecent that the principal registrar of all , whose duty it was to find the public , constantly resorting to this place , all needful accommodation , should be an enormous sinecurist in virtue of that post ( and might be , besides , a clergyman , a pluralist , the holder of a staff in a cathedral , and what not ) , -- while the public was put to the inconvenience of which we had a specimen every afternoon when the office was busy , and which we knew to be quite monstrous . That , perhaps , in short , this Prerogative Office of the diocese of Canterbury was altogether such a pestilent job , and such a pernicious absurdity , that but for its being squeezed away in a corner of St. Paul 's Churchyard , which few people knew , it must have been turned completely inside out , and upside down , long ago . Mr. Spenlow smiled as I became modestly warm on the subject , and then argued this question with me as he had argued the other . He said , what was it after all ? It was a question of feeling . If the public felt that their wills were in safe keeping , and took it for granted that the office was not to be made better , who was the worse for it ? Nobody . Who was the better for it ? All the Sinecurists . Very well . Then the good predominated . It might not be a perfect system ; nothing was perfect ; but what he objected to , was , the insertion of the wedge . Under the Prerogative Office , the country had been glorious . Insert the wedge into the Prerogative Office , and the country would cease to be glorious . He considered it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found them ; and he had no doubt the Prerogative Office would last our time . I deferred to his opinion , though I had great doubts of it myself . I find he was right , however ; for it has not only lasted to the present moment , but has done so in the teeth of a great parliamentary report made ( not too willingly ) eighteen years ago , when all these objections of mine were set forth in detail , and when the existing stowage for wills was described as equal to the accumulation of only two years and a half more . What they have done with them since ; whether they have lost many , or whether they sell any , now and then , to the butter shops ; I don't know . I am glad mine is not there , and I hope it may not go there , yet awhile . I have set all this down , in my present blissful
chapter , because here it comes into its natural place . Mr. Spenlow and I falling into this conversation , prolonged it and our saunter to and fro , until we diverged into general topics . And so it came about , in the end , that Mr. Spenlow told me this day week was Dora 's birthday , and he would be glad if I would come down and join a little picnic on the occasion . I went out of my senses immediately ; became a mere driveller next day , on receipt of a little lace-edged sheet of note-paper , 'Favoured by papa . To remind ' ; and passed the intervening period in a state of dotage . I think I committed every possible absurdity in the way of preparation for this blessed event . I turn hot when I remember the cravat I bought . My boots might be placed in any collection of instruments of torture . I provided , and sent down by the Norwood coach the night before , a delicate little hamper , amounting in itself , I thought , almost to a declaration . There were crackers in it with the tenderest mottoes that could be got for money . At six in the morning , I was in Covent Garden Market , buying a bouquet for Dora . At ten I was on horseback ( I hired a gallant grey , for the occasion ) , with the bouquet in my hat , to keep it fresh , trotting down to Norwood . I suppose that when I saw Dora in the garden and pretended not to see her , and rode past the house pretending to be anxiously looking for it , I committed two small fooleries which other young gentlemen in my circumstances might have committed -- because they came so very natural to me . But oh ! when I DID find the house , and DID dismount at the garden-gate , and drag those stony-hearted boots across the lawn to Dora sitting on a garden-seat under a lilac tree , what a spectacle she was , upon that beautiful morning , among the butterflies , in a white chip bonnet and a dress of celestial blue ! There was a young lady with her -- comparatively stricken in years -- almost twenty , I should say . Her name was Miss Mills . And Dora called her Julia . She was the bosom friend of Dora . Happy Miss Mills ! Jip was there , and Jip WOULD bark at me again . When I presented my bouquet , he gnashed his teeth with jealousy . Well he might . If he had the least idea how I adored his mistress , well he might ! 'Oh , thank you , Mr. Copperfield ! What dear flowers ! ' said Dora . I had had an intention of saying ( and had been studying the best form of words for three miles ) that I thought them beautiful before I saw them so near HER . But I could n't manage it . She was too bewildering . To see her lay the flowers against her little dimpled chin , was to lose all presence of mind and power of language in a feeble ecstasy . I wonder I did n't say , 'Kill me , if you have a heart , Miss Mills . Let me die here ! ' Then Dora held my flowers to Jip to smell . Then Jip growled , and would n't smell them . Then Dora laughed , and held them a little closer to Jip , to make him . Then Jip laid hold of a bit of geranium with his teeth , and worried imaginary cats in it . Then Dora beat him , and pouted , and said , 'My poor beautiful flowers ! ' as compassionately , I thought , as if Jip had laid hold of me . I wished he had ! 'You 'll be so glad to hear , Mr. Copperfield , ' said Dora , 'that that cross Miss Murdstone is not here . She has gone to her brother's marriage , and will be away at least three weeks . Is n't that delightful ? ' I said I was sure it must be delightful to her , and all that was delightful to her was delightful to me . Miss Mills , with an air of superior wisdom and benevolence , smiled upon us . 'She is the most disagreeable thing I ever saw , ' said Dora . 'You can't believe how ill-tempered and shocking she is , Julia . ' 'Yes , I can , my dear ! ' said Julia . 'YOU can , perhaps , love , ' returned Dora , with her hand on julia 's . 'Forgive my not excepting you , my dear , at first . ' I learnt , from this , that Miss Mills had had her trials in the course of a chequered existence ; and that to these , perhaps , I might refer that wise benignity of manner which I had already noticed . I found , in the course of the day , that this was the case : Miss Mills having been unhappy in a misplaced affection , and being understood to have retired from the world on her awful stock of experience , but still to take a calm interest in the unblighted hopes and loves of youth . But now Mr. Spenlow came out of the house , and Dora went to him , saying , 'Look , papa , what beautiful flowers ! ' And Miss Mills smiled thoughtfully , as who should say , 'Ye Mayflies , enjoy your brief existence in the bright morning of life ! ' And we all walked from the lawn towards the carriage , which was getting ready . I shall never have such a ride again . I have never had such another . There were only those three , their hamper , my hamper , and the guitar-case , in the phaeton ; and , of course , the phaeton was open ; and I rode behind it , and Dora sat with her back to the horses , looking towards me . She kept the bouquet close to her on the cushion , and would n't allow Jip to sit on that side of her at all , for fear he should crush it . She often carried it in her hand , often refreshed herself with its fragrance . Our eyes at those times often met ; and my great astonishment is that I did n't go over the head of my gallant grey into the carriage . There was dust , I believe . There was a good deal of dust , I believe . I have a faint impression that Mr. Spenlow remonstrated with me for riding in it ; but I knew of none . I was sensible of a mist of love and beauty about Dora , but of nothing else . He stood up sometimes , and asked me what I thought of the prospect . I said it was delightful , and I dare say it was ; but it was all Dora to me . The sun shone Dora , and the birds sang Dora . The south wind blew Dora , and the wild flowers in the hedges were all Doras , to a bud . My comfort is , Miss Mills understood me . Miss Mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly . I do n't know how long we were going , and to this hour I know as little where we went . Perhaps it was near Guildford . Perhaps some Arabian-night magician , opened up the place for the day , and shut it up for ever when we came away . It was a green spot , on a hill , carpeted with soft turf . There were shady trees , and heather , and , as far as the eye could see , a rich landscape . It was a trying thing to find people here , waiting for us ; and my jealousy , even of the ladies , knew no bounds . But all of my own sex -- especially one impostor , three or four years my elder , with a red whisker , on which he established an amount of presumption not to be endured -- were my mortal foes . We all unpacked our baskets , and employed ourselves in getting dinner ready . Red Whisker pretended he could make a salad ( which I don't believe ) , and obtruded himself on public notice . Some of the young ladies washed the lettuces for him , and sliced them under his directions . Dora was among these . I felt that fate had pitted me against this man , and one of us must fall . Red Whisker made his salad ( I wondered how they could eat it . Nothing should have induced ME to touch it ! ) and voted himself into the charge of the wine-cellar , which he constructed , being an ingenious beast , in the hollow trunk of a tree . By and by , I saw him , with the majority of a lobster on his plate , eating his dinner at the feet of Dora ! I have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this baleful object presented itself to my view . I was very merry , I know ; but it was hollow merriment . I attached myself to a young creature in pink , with little eyes , and flirted with her desperately . She received my attentions with favour ; but whether on my account solely , or because she had any designs on Red Whisker , I ca n't say . Dora 's health was drunk . When I drank it , I affected to interrupt my conversation for that purpose , and to resume it immediately afterwards . I caught Dora 's eye as I bowed to her , and I thought it looked appealing . But it looked at me over the head of Red Whisker , and I was adamant . The young creature in pink had a mother in green ; and I rather think the latter separated us from motives of policy . Howbeit , there was a general breaking up of the party , while the remnants of the dinner were being put away ; and I strolled off by myself among the trees , in a raging and remorseful state . I was debating whether I should pretend that I was not well , and fly -- I do n't know where -- upon my gallant grey , when Dora and Miss Mills met me . 'Mr . Copperfield , ' said Miss Mills , 'you are dull . ' I begged her pardon . Not at all . 'And Dora , ' said Miss Mills , 'YOU are dull . ' Oh dear no ! Not in the least . 'Mr . Copperfield and Dora , ' said Miss Mills , with an almost venerable air . 'Enough of this . Do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to wither the blossoms of spring , which , once put forth and blighted , can not be renewed . I speak , ' said Miss Mills , 'from experience of the past -- the remote , irrevocable past . The gushing fountains which sparkle in the sun , must not be stopped in mere caprice ; the oasis in the desert of Sahara must not be plucked up idly . ' I hardly knew what I did , I was burning all over to that extraordinary extent ; but I took Dora 's little hand and kissed it -- and she let me ! I kissed Miss Mills 's hand ; and we all seemed , to my thinking , to go straight up to the seventh heaven . We did not come down again . We stayed up there all the evening . At first we strayed to and fro among the trees : I with Dora 's shy arm drawn through mine : and Heaven knows , folly as it all was , it would have been a happy fate to have been struck immortal with those foolish feelings , and have stayed among the trees for ever ! But , much too soon , we heard the others laughing and talking , and calling 'where 's Dora ? ' So we went back , and they wanted Dora to sing . Red Whisker would have got the guitar-case out of the carriage , but Dora told him nobody knew where it was , but I . So Red Whisker was done for in a moment ; and I got it , and I unlocked it , and I took the guitar out , and I sat by her , and I held her handkerchief and gloves , and I drank in every note of her dear voice , and she sang to ME who loved her , and all the others might applaud as much as they liked , but they had nothing to do with it ! I was intoxicated with joy . I was afraid it was too happy to be real , and that I should wake in Buckingham Street presently , and hear Mrs. Crupp clinking the teacups in getting breakfast ready . But Dora sang , and others sang , and Miss Mills sang -- about the slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory ; as if she were a hundred years old -- and the evening came on ; and we had tea , with the kettle boiling gipsy-fashion ; and I was still as happy as ever . I was happier than ever when the party broke up , and the other people , defeated Red Whisker and all , went their several ways , and we went ours through the still evening and the dying light , with sweet scents rising up around us . Mr. Spenlow being a little drowsy after the champagne -- honour to the soil that grew the grape , to the grape that made the wine , to the sun that ripened it , and to the merchant who adulterated it ! -- and being fast asleep in a corner of the carriage , I rode by the side and talked to Dora . She admired my horse and patted him -- oh , what a dear little hand it looked upon a horse ! -- and her shawl would not keep right , and now and then I drew it round her with my arm ; and I even fancied that Jip began to see how it was , and to understand that he must make up his mind to be friends with me . That sagacious Miss Mills , too ; that amiable , though quite used up , recluse ; that little patriarch of something less than twenty , who had done with the world , and must n't on any account have the slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory awakened ; what a kind thing she did ! 'Mr . Copperfield , ' said Miss Mills , 'come to this side of the carriage a moment -- if you can spare a moment . I want to speak to you . ' Behold me , on my gallant grey , bending at the side of Miss Mills , with my hand upon the carriage door ! 'Dora is coming to stay with me . She is coming home with me the day after tomorrow . If you would like to call , I am sure papa would be happy to see you . ' What could I do but invoke a silent blessing on Miss Mills 's head , and store Miss Mills 's address in the securest corner of my memory ! What could I do but tell Miss Mills , with grateful looks and fervent words , how much I appreciated her good offices , and what an inestimable value I set upon her friendship ! Then Miss Mills benignantly dismissed me , saying , 'Go back to Dora ! ' and I went ; and Dora leaned out of the carriage to talk to me , and we talked all the rest of the way ; and I rode my gallant grey so close to the wheel that I grazed his near fore leg against it , and 'took the bark off ' , as his owner told me , 'to the tune of three pun ' sivin ' -- which I paid , and thought extremely cheap for so much joy . What time Miss Mills sat looking at the moon , murmuring verses -- and recalling , I suppose , the ancient days when she and earth had anything in common . Norwood was many miles too near , and we reached it many hours too soon ; but Mr. Spenlow came to himself a little short of it , and said , 'You must come in , Copperfield , and rest ! ' and I consenting , we had sandwiches and wine-and-water . In the light room , Dora blushing looked so lovely , that I could not tear myself away , but sat there staring , in a dream , until the snoring of Mr. Spenlow inspired me with sufficient consciousness to take my leave . So we parted ; I riding all the way to London with the farewell touch of Dora 's hand still light on mine , recalling every incident and word ten thousand times ; lying down in my own bed at last , as enraptured a young noodle as ever was carried out of his five wits by love . When I awoke next morning , I was resolute to declare my passion to Dora , and know my fate . Happiness or misery was now the question . There was no other question that I knew of in the world , and only Dora could give the answer to it . I passed three days in a luxury of wretchedness , torturing myself by putting every conceivable variety of discouraging construction on all that ever had taken place between Dora and me . At last , arrayed for the purpose at a vast expense , I went to Miss Mills 's , fraught with a declaration . How many times I went up and down the street , and round the square -- painfully aware of being a much better answer to the old riddle than the original one -- before I could persuade myself to go up the steps and knock , is no matter now . Even when , at last , I had knocked , and was waiting at the door , I had some flurried thought of asking if that were Mr. Blackboy 's ( in imitation of poor Barkis ) , begging pardon , and retreating . But I kept my ground . Mr. Mills was not at home . I did not expect he would be . Nobody wanted HIM . Miss Mills was at home . Miss Mills would do . I was shown into a room upstairs , where Miss Mills and Dora were . Jip was there . Miss Mills was copying music ( I recollect , it was a new song , called 'Affection 's Dirge ' ) , and Dora was painting flowers . What were my feelings , when I recognized my own flowers ; the identical Covent Garden Market purchase ! I can not say that they were very like , or that they particularly resembled any flowers that have ever come under my observation ; but I knew from the paper round them which was accurately copied , what the composition was . Miss Mills was very glad to see me , and very sorry her papa was not at home : though I thought we all bore that with fortitude . Miss Mills was conversational for a few minutes , and then , laying down her pen upon 'Affection 's Dirge ' , got up , and left the room . I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow . 'I hope your poor horse was not tired , when he got home at night , ' said Dora , lifting up her beautiful eyes . 'It was a long way for him . ' I began to think I would do it today . 'It was a long way for him , ' said I , 'for he had nothing to uphold him on the journey . ' 'Was n't he fed , poor thing ? ' asked Dora . I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow . 'Ye-yes , ' I said , 'he was well taken care of . I mean he had not the unutterable happiness that I had in being so near you . ' Dora bent her head over her drawing and said , after a little while -- I had sat , in the interval , in a burning fever , and with my legs in a very rigid state -- 'You did n't seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself , at one time of the day . ' I saw now that I was in for it , and it must be done on the spot . 'You did n't care for that happiness in the least , ' said Dora , slightly raising her eyebrows , and shaking her head , 'when you were sitting by Miss Kitt . ' Kitt , I should observe , was the name of the creature in pink , with the little eyes . 'Though certainly I do n't know why you should , ' said Dora , or why you should call it a happiness at all . But of course you do n't mean what you say . And I am sure no one doubts your being at liberty to do whatever you like . Jip , you naughty boy , come here ! ' I do n't know how I did it . I did it in a moment . I intercepted Jip . I had Dora in my arms . I was full of eloquence . I never stopped for a word . I told her how I loved her . I told her I should die without her . I told her that I idolized and worshipped her . Jip barked madly all the time . When Dora hung her head and cried , and trembled , my eloquence increased so much the more . If she would like me to die for her , she had but to say the word , and I was ready . Life without Dora 's love was not a thing to have on any terms . I could n't bear it , and I would n't . I had loved her every minute , day and night , since I first saw her . I loved her at that minute to distraction . I should always love her , every minute , to distraction . Lovers had loved before , and lovers would love again ; but no lover had loved , might , could , would , or should ever love , as I loved Dora . The more I raved , the more Jip barked . Each of us , in his own way , got more mad every moment . Well , well ! Dora and I were sitting on the sofa by and by , quiet enough , and Jip was lying in her lap , winking peacefully at me . It was off my mind . I was in a state of perfect rapture . Dora and I were engaged . I suppose we had some notion that this was to end in marriage . We must have had some , because Dora stipulated that we were never to be married without her papa 's consent . But , in our youthful ecstasy , I do n't think that we really looked before us or behind us ; or had any aspiration beyond the ignorant present . We were to keep our secret from Mr. Spenlow ; but I am sure the idea never entered my head , then , that there was anything dishonourable in that . Miss Mills was more than usually pensive when Dora , going to find her , brought her back ; -- I apprehend , because there was a tendency in what had passed to awaken the slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory . But she gave us her blessing , and the assurance of her lasting friendship , and spoke to us , generally , as became a Voice from the Cloister . What an idle time it was ! What an insubstantial , happy , foolish time it was ! When I measured Dora 's finger for a ring that was to be made of Forget-me-nots , and when the jeweller , to whom I took the measure , found me out , and laughed over his order-book , and charged me anything he liked for the pretty little toy , with its blue stones -- so associated in my remembrance with Dora 's hand , that yesterday , when I saw such another , by chance , on the finger of my own daughter , there was a momentary stirring in my heart , like pain ! When I walked about , exalted with my secret , and full of my own interest , and felt the dignity of loving Dora , and of being beloved , so much , that if I had walked the air , I could not have been more above the people not so situated , who were creeping on the earth ! When we had those meetings in the garden of the square , and sat within the dingy summer-house , so happy , that I love the London sparrows to this hour , for nothing else , and see the plumage of the tropics in their smoky feathers ! When we had our first great quarrel ( within a week of our betrothal ) , and when Dora sent me back the ring , enclosed in a despairing cocked-hat note , wherein she used the terrible expression that 'our love had begun in folly , and ended in madness ! ' which dreadful words occasioned me to tear my hair , and cry that all was over ! When , under cover of the night , I flew to Miss Mills , whom I saw by stealth in a back kitchen where there was a mangle , and implored Miss Mills to interpose between us and avert insanity . When Miss Mills undertook the office and returned with Dora , exhorting us , from the pulpit of her own bitter youth , to mutual concession , and the avoidance of the Desert of Sahara ! When we cried , and made it up , and were so blest again , that the back kitchen , mangle and all , changed to Love 's own temple , where we arranged a plan of correspondence through Miss Mills , always to comprehend at least one letter on each side every day ! What an idle time ! What an insubstantial , happy , foolish time ! Of all the times of mine that Time has in his grip , there is none that in one retrospect I can smile at half so much , and think of half so tenderly . CHAPTER 34 . MY AUNT ASTONISHES ME I wrote to Agnes as soon as Dora and I were engaged . I wrote her a long letter , in which I tried to make her comprehend how blest I was , and what a darling Dora was . I entreated Agnes not to regard this as a thoughtless passion which could ever yield to any other , or had the least resemblance to the boyish fancies that we used to joke about . I assured her that its profundity was quite unfathomable , and expressed my belief that nothing like it had ever been known . Somehow , as I wrote to Agnes on a fine evening by my open window , and the remembrance of her clear calm eyes and gentle face came stealing over me , it shed such a peaceful influence upon the hurry and agitation in which I had been living lately , and of which my very happiness partook in some degree , that it soothed me into tears . I remember that I sat resting my head upon my hand , when the letter was half done , cherishing a general fancy as if Agnes were one of the elements of my natural home . As if , in the retirement of the house made almost sacred to me by her presence , Dora and I must be happier than anywhere . As if , in love , joy , sorrow , hope , or disappointment ; in all emotions ; my heart turned naturally there , and found its refuge and best friend . Of Steerforth I said nothing . I only told her there had been sad grief at Yarmouth , on account of Emily 's flight ; and that on me it made a double wound , by reason of the circumstances attending it . I knew how quick she always was to divine the truth , and that she would never be the first to breathe his name . To this letter , I received an answer by return of post . As I read it , I seemed to hear Agnes speaking to me . It was like her cordial voice in my ears . What can I say more ! While I had been away from home lately , Traddles had called twice or thrice . Finding Peggotty within , and being informed by Peggotty ( who always volunteered that information to whomsoever would receive it ) , that she was my old nurse , he had established a good-humoured acquaintance with her , and had stayed to have a little chat with her about me . So Peggotty said ; but I am afraid the chat was all on her own side , and of immoderate length , as she was very difficult indeed to stop , God bless her ! when she had me for her theme . This reminds me , not only that I expected Traddles on a certain afternoon of his own appointing , which was now come , but that Mrs. Crupp had resigned everything appertaining to her office ( the salary excepted ) until Peggotty should cease to present herself . Mrs. Crupp , after holding divers conversations respecting Peggotty , in a very high-pitched voice , on the staircase -- with some invisible Familiar it would appear , for corporeally speaking she was quite alone at those times -- addressed a letter to me , developing her views . Beginning it with that statement of universal application , which fitted every occurrence of her life , namely , that she was a mother herself , she went on to inform me that she had once seen very different days , but that at all periods of her existence she had had a constitutional objection to spies , intruders , and informers . She named no names , she said ; let them the cap fitted , wear it ; but spies , intruders , and informers , especially in widders' weeds ( this clause was underlined ) , she had ever accustomed herself to look down upon . If a gentleman was the victim of spies , intruders , and informers ( but still naming no names ) , that was his own pleasure . He had a right to please himself ; so let him do . All that she , Mrs. Crupp , stipulated for , was , that she should not be 'brought in contract' with such persons . Therefore she begged to be excused from any further attendance on the top set , until things were as they formerly was , and as they could be wished to be ; and further mentioned that her little book would be found upon the breakfast-table every Saturday morning , when she requested an immediate settlement of the same , with the benevolent view of saving trouble 'and an ill-conwenience ' to all parties . After this , Mrs. Crupp confined herself to making pitfalls on the stairs , principally with pitchers , and endeavouring to delude Peggotty into breaking her legs . I found it rather harassing to live in this state of siege , but was too much afraid of Mrs. Crupp to see any way out of it . 'My dear Copperfield , ' cried Traddles , punctually appearing at my door , in spite of all these obstacles , 'how do you do ? ' 'My dear Traddles , ' said I , 'I am delighted to see you at last , and very sorry I have not been at home before . But I have been so much engaged -- ' 'Yes , yes , I know , ' said Traddles , 'of course . Yours lives in London , I think . ' 'What did you say ? ' 'She -- excuse me -- Miss D. , you know , ' said Traddles , colouring in his great delicacy , 'lives in London , I believe ? ' 'Oh yes . Near London . ' 'Mine , perhaps you recollect , ' said Traddles , with a serious look , 'lives down in Devonshire -- one of ten . Consequently , I am not so much engaged as you -- in that sense . ' 'I wonder you can bear , ' I returned , 'to see her so seldom . ' 'Hah ! ' said Traddles , thoughtfully . 'It does seem a wonder . I suppose it is , Copperfield , because there is no help for it ? ' 'I suppose so , ' I replied with a smile , and not without a blush . 'And because you have so much constancy and patience , Traddles . ' 'Dear me ! ' said Traddles , considering about it , 'do I strike you in that way , Copperfield ? Really I did n't know that I had . But she is such an extraordinarily dear girl herself , that it 's possible she may have imparted something of those virtues to me . Now you mention it , Copperfield , I should n't wonder at all . I assure you she is always forgetting herself , and taking care of the other nine . ' 'Is she the eldest ? ' I inquired . 'Oh dear , no , ' said Traddles . 'The eldest is a Beauty . ' He saw , I suppose , that I could not help smiling at the simplicity of this reply ; and added , with a smile upon his own ingenuous face : 'Not , of course , but that my Sophy -- pretty name , Copperfield , I always think ? ' 'Very pretty ! ' said I . 'Not , of course , but that Sophy is beautiful too in my eyes , and would be one of the dearest girls that ever was , in anybody 's eyes ( I should think ) . But when I say the eldest is a Beauty , I mean she really is a -- ' he seemed to be describing clouds about himself , with both hands : 'Splendid , you know , ' said Traddles , energetically . 'Indeed ! ' said I . 'Oh , I assure you , ' said Traddles , 'something very uncommon , indeed ! Then , you know , being formed for society and admiration , and not being able to enjoy much of it in consequence of their limited means , she naturally gets a little irritable and exacting , sometimes . Sophy puts her in good humour ! ' 'Is Sophy the youngest ? ' I hazarded . 'Oh dear , no ! ' said Traddles , stroking his chin . 'The two youngest are only nine and ten . Sophy educates 'em . ' 'The second daughter , perhaps ? ' I hazarded . 'No , ' said Traddles . 'Sarah 's the second . Sarah has something the matter with her spine , poor girl . The malady will wear out by and by , the doctors say , but in the meantime she has to lie down for a twelvemonth . Sophy nurses her . Sophy 's the fourth . ' 'Is the mother living ? ' I inquired . 'Oh yes , ' said Traddles , 'she is alive . She is a very superior woman indeed , but the damp country is not adapted to her constitution , and -- in fact , she has lost the use of her limbs . ' 'Dear me ! ' said I . 'Very sad , is it not ? ' returned Traddles . 'But in a merely domestic view it is not so bad as it might be , because Sophy takes her place . She is quite as much a mother to her mother , as she is to the other nine . ' I felt the greatest admiration for the virtues of this young lady ; and , honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the good-nature of Traddles from being imposed upon , to the detriment of their joint prospects in life , inquired how Mr. Micawber was ? 'He is quite well , Copperfield , thank you , ' said Traddles . 'I am not living with him at present . ' 'No ? ' 'No . You see the truth is , ' said Traddles , in a whisper , 'he had changed his name to Mortimer , in consequence of his temporary embarrassments ; and he do n't come out till after dark -- and then in spectacles . There was an execution put into our house , for rent . Mrs. Micawber was in such a dreadful state that I really could n't resist giving my name to that second bill we spoke of here . You may imagine how delightful it was to my feelings , Copperfield , to see the matter settled with it , and Mrs. Micawber recover her spirits . ' 'Hum ! ' said I . 'Not that her happiness was of long duration , ' pursued Traddles , 'for , unfortunately , within a week another execution came in . It broke up the establishment . I have been living in a furnished apartment since then , and the Mortimers have been very private indeed . I hope you wo n't think it selfish , Copperfield , if I mention that the broker carried off my little round table with the marble top , and Sophy 's flower-pot and stand ? ' 'What a hard thing ! ' I exclaimed indignantly . 'It was a -- it was a pull , ' said Traddles , with his usual wince at that expression . 'I do n't mention it reproachfully , however , but with a motive . The fact is , Copperfield , I was unable to repurchase them at the time of their seizure ; in the first place , because the broker , having an idea that I wanted them , ran the price up to an extravagant extent ; and , in the second place , because I -- had n't any money . Now , I have kept my eye since , upon the broker 's shop , ' said Traddles , with a great enjoyment of his mystery , 'which is up at the top of Tottenham Court Road , and , at last , today I find them put out for sale . I have only noticed them from over the way , because if the broker saw me , bless you , he 'd ask any price for them ! What has occurred to me , having now the money , is , that perhaps you would n't object to ask that good nurse of yours to come with me to the shop -- I can show it her from round the corner of the next street -- and make the best bargain for them , as if they were for herself , that she can ! ' The delight with which Traddles propounded this plan to me , and the sense he had of its uncommon artfulness , are among the freshest things in my remembrance . I told him that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him , and that we would all three take the field together , but on one condition . That condition was , that he should make a solemn resolution to grant no more loans of his name , or anything else , to Mr. Micawber . 'My dear Copperfield , ' said Traddles , 'I have already done so , because I begin to feel that I have not only been inconsiderate , but that I have been positively unjust to Sophy . My word being passed to myself , there is no longer any apprehension ; but I pledge it to you , too , with the greatest readiness . That first unlucky obligation , I have paid . I have no doubt Mr. Micawber would have paid it if he could , but he could not . One thing I ought to mention , which I like very much in Mr. Micawber , Copperfield . It refers to the second obligation , which is not yet due . He do n't tell me that it is provided for , but he says it WILL BE . Now , I think there is something very fair and honest about that ! ' I was unwilling to damp my good friend 's confidence , and therefore assented . After a little further conversation , we went round to the chandler 's shop , to enlist Peggotty ; Traddles declining to pass the evening with me , both because he endured the liveliest apprehensions that his property would be bought by somebody else before he could re-purchase it , and because it was the evening he always devoted to writing to the dearest girl in the world . I never shall forget him peeping round the corner of the street in Tottenham Court Road , while Peggotty was bargaining for the precious articles ; or his agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly offering a price , and was hailed by the relenting broker , and went back again . The end of the negotiation was , that she bought the property on tolerably easy terms , and Traddles was transported with pleasure . 'I am very much obliged to you , indeed , ' said Traddles , on hearing it was to be sent to where he lived , that night . 'If I might ask one other favour , I hope you would not think it absurd , Copperfield ? ' I said beforehand , certainly not . 'Then if you WOULD be good enough , ' said Traddles to Peggotty , 'to get the flower-pot now , I think I should like ( it being Sophy 's , Copperfield ) to carry it home myself ! ' Peggotty was glad to get it for him , and he overwhelmed her with thanks , and went his way up Tottenham Court Road , carrying the flower-pot affectionately in his arms , with one of the most delighted expressions of countenance I ever saw . We then turned back towards my chambers . As the shops had charms for Peggotty which I never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody else , I sauntered easily along , amused by her staring in at the windows , and waiting for her as often as she chose . We were thus a good while in getting to the Adelphi . On our way upstairs , I called her attention to the sudden disappearance of Mrs. Crupp 's pitfalls , and also to the prints of recent footsteps . We were both very much surprised , coming higher up , to find my outer door standing open ( which I had shut ) and to hear voices inside . We looked at one another , without knowing what to make of this , and went into the sitting-room . What was my amazement to find , of all people upon earth , my aunt there , and Mr. Dick ! My aunt sitting on a quantity of luggage , with her two birds before her , and her cat on her knee , like a female Robinson Crusoe , drinking tea . Mr. Dick leaning thoughtfully on a great kite , such as we had often been out together to fly , with more luggage piled about him ! 'My dear aunt ! ' cried I . 'Why , what an unexpected pleasure ! ' We cordially embraced ; and Mr. Dick and I cordially shook hands ; and Mrs. Crupp , who was busy making tea , and could not be too attentive , cordially said she had knowed well as Mr. Copperfull would have his heart in his mouth , when he see his dear relations . 'Holloa ! ' said my aunt to Peggotty , who quailed before her awful presence . 'How are YOU ? ' 'You remember my aunt , Peggotty ? ' said I . 'For the love of goodness , child , ' exclaimed my aunt , 'do n't call the woman by that South Sea Island name ! If she married and got rid of it , which was the best thing she could do , why do n't you give her the benefit of the change ? What 's your name now , -- P ? ' said my aunt , as a compromise for the obnoxious appellation . 'Barkis , ma'am , ' said Peggotty , with a curtsey . 'Well ! That 's human , ' said my aunt . 'It sounds less as if you wanted a missionary . How d 'ye do , Barkis ? I hope you 're well ? ' Encouraged by these gracious words , and by my aunt 's extending her hand , Barkis came forward , and took the hand , and curtseyed her acknowledgements . 'We are older than we were , I see , ' said my aunt . 'We have only met each other once before , you know . A nice business we made of it then ! Trot , my dear , another cup . ' I handed it dutifully to my aunt , who was in her usual inflexible state of figure ; and ventured a remonstrance with her on the subject of her sitting on a box . 'Let me draw the sofa here , or the easy-chair , aunt , ' said I . 'Why should you be so uncomfortable ? ' 'Thank you , Trot , ' replied my aunt , 'I prefer to sit upon my property . ' Here my aunt looked hard at Mrs. Crupp , and observed , 'We needn't trouble you to wait , ma'am . ' 'Shall I put a little more tea in the pot afore I go , ma'am ? ' said Mrs. Crupp . 'No , I thank you , ma'am , ' replied my aunt . 'Would you let me fetch another pat of butter , ma'am ? ' said Mrs. Crupp . 'Or would you be persuaded to try a new-laid hegg ? or should I brile a rasher ? Ai n't there nothing I could do for your dear aunt , Mr . Copperfull ? ' 'Nothing , ma'am , ' returned my aunt . 'I shall do very well , I thank you . ' Mrs. Crupp , who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet temper , and incessantly holding her head on one side , to express a general feebleness of constitution , and incessantly rubbing her hands , to express a desire to be of service to all deserving objects , gradually smiled herself , one-sided herself , and rubbed herself , out of the room . 'Dick ! ' said my aunt . 'You know what I told you about time-servers and wealth-worshippers ? ' Mr. Dick -- with rather a scared look , as if he had forgotten it -- returned a hasty answer in the affirmative . 'Mrs . Crupp is one of them , ' said my aunt . 'Barkis , I 'll trouble you to look after the tea , and let me have another cup , for I do n't fancy that woman 's pouring-out ! ' I knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of importance on her mind , and that there was far more matter in this arrival than a stranger might have supposed . I noticed how her eye lighted on me , when she thought my attention otherwise occupied ; and what a curious process of hesitation appeared to be going on within her , while she preserved her outward stiffness and composure . I began to reflect whether I had done anything to offend her ; and my conscience whispered me that I had not yet told her about Dora . Could it by any means be that , I wondered ! As I knew she would only speak in her own good time , I sat down near her , and spoke to the birds , and played with the cat , and was as easy as I could be . But I was very far from being really easy ; and I should still have been so , even if Mr. Dick , leaning over the great kite behind my aunt , had not taken every secret opportunity of shaking his head darkly at me , and pointing at her . 'Trot , ' said my aunt at last , when she had finished her tea , and carefully smoothed down her dress , and wiped her lips -- 'you need n't go , Barkis ! -- Trot , have you got to be firm and self-reliant ? ' 'I hope so , aunt . ' 'What do you think ? ' inquired Miss Betsey . 'I think so , aunt . ' 'Then why , my love , ' said my aunt , looking earnestly at me , 'why do you think I prefer to sit upon this property of mine tonight ? ' I shook my head , unable to guess . 'Because , ' said my aunt , 'it 's all I have . Because I 'm ruined , my dear ! ' If the house , and every one of us , had tumbled out into the river together , I could hardly have received a greater shock . 'Dick knows it , ' said my aunt , laying her hand calmly on my shoulder . 'I am ruined , my dear Trot ! All I have in the world is in this room , except the cottage ; and that I have left Janet to let . Barkis , I want to get a bed for this gentleman tonight . To save expense , perhaps you can make up something here for myself . Anything will do . It 's only for tonight . We 'll talk about this , more , tomorrow . ' I was roused from my amazement , and concern for her -- I am sure , for her -- by her falling on my neck , for a moment , and crying that she only grieved for me . In another moment she suppressed this emotion ; and said with an aspect more triumphant than dejected : 'We must meet reverses boldly , and not suffer them to frighten us , my dear . We must learn to act the play out . We must live misfortune down , Trot ! ' CHAPTER 35 . DEPRESSION As soon as I could recover my presence of mind , which quite deserted me in the first overpowering shock of my aunt 's intelligence , I proposed to Mr. Dick to come round to the chandler 's shop , and take possession of the bed which Mr. Peggotty had lately vacated . The chandler 's shop being in Hungerford Market , and Hungerford Market being a very different place in those days , there was a low wooden colonnade before the door ( not very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used to live , in the old weather-glass ) , which pleased Mr. Dick mightily . The glory of lodging over this structure would have compensated him , I dare say , for many inconveniences ; but , as there were really few to bear , beyond the compound of flavours I have already mentioned , and perhaps the want of a little more elbow-room , he was perfectly charmed with his accommodation . Mrs. Crupp had indignantly assured him that there wasn't room to swing a cat there ; but , as Mr. Dick justly observed to me , sitting down on the foot of the bed , nursing his leg , 'You know , Trotwood , I do n't want to swing a cat . I never do swing a cat . Therefore , what does that signify to ME ! ' I tried to ascertain whether Mr. Dick had any understanding of the causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt 's affairs . As I might have expected , he had none at all . The only account he could give of it was , that my aunt had said to him , the day before yesterday , 'Now , Dick , are you really and truly the philosopher I take you for ? ' That then he had said , Yes , he hoped so . That then my aunt had said , 'Dick , I am ruined . ' That then he had said , 'Oh , indeed ! ' That then my aunt had praised him highly , which he was glad of . And that then they had come to me , and had had bottled porter and sandwiches on the road . Mr. Dick was so very complacent , sitting on the foot of the bed , nursing his leg , and telling me this , with his eyes wide open and a surprised smile , that I am sorry to say I was provoked into explaining to him that ruin meant distress , want , and starvation ; but I was soon bitterly reproved for this harshness , by seeing his face turn pale , and tears course down his lengthened cheeks , while he fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe , that it might have softened a far harder heart than mine . I took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than I had taken to depress him ; and I soon understood ( as I ought to have known at first ) that he had been so confident , merely because of his faith in the wisest and most wonderful of women , and his unbounded reliance on my intellectual resources . The latter , I believe , he considered a match for any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal . 'What can we do , Trotwood ? ' said Mr. Dick . 'There 's the Memorial-' 'To be sure there is , ' said I . 'But all we can do just now , Mr. Dick , is to keep a cheerful countenance , and not let my aunt see that we are thinking about it . ' He assented to this in the most earnest manner ; and implored me , if I should see him wandering an inch out of the right course , to recall him by some of those superior methods which were always at my command . But I regret to state that the fright I had given him proved too much for his best attempts at concealment . All the evening his eyes wandered to my aunt 's face , with an expression of the most dismal apprehension , as if he saw her growing thin on the spot . He was conscious of this , and put a constraint upon his head ; but his keeping that immovable , and sitting rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery , did not mend the matter at all . I saw him look at the loaf at supper ( which happened to be a small one ) , as if nothing else stood between us and famine ; and when my aunt insisted on his making his customary repast , I detected him in the act of pocketing fragments of his bread and cheese ; I have no doubt for the purpose of reviving us with those savings , when we should have reached an advanced stage of attenuation . My aunt , on the other hand , was in a composed frame of mind , which was a lesson to all of us -- to me , I am sure . She was extremely gracious to Peggotty , except when I inadvertently called her by that name ; and , strange as I knew she felt in London , appeared quite at home . She was to have my bed , and I was to lie in the sitting-room , to keep guard over her . She made a great point of being so near the river , in case of a conflagration ; and I suppose really did find some satisfaction in that circumstance . 'Trot , my dear , ' said my aunt , when she saw me making preparations for compounding her usual night-draught , 'No ! ' 'Nothing , aunt ? ' 'Not wine , my dear . Ale . ' 'But there is wine here , aunt . And you always have it made of wine . ' 'Keep that , in case of sickness , ' said my aunt . 'We must n't use it carelessly , Trot . Ale for me . Half a pint . ' I thought Mr. Dick would have fallen , insensible . My aunt being resolute , I went out and got the ale myself . As it was growing late , Peggotty and Mr. Dick took that opportunity of repairing to the chandler 's shop together . I parted from him , poor fellow , at the corner of the street , with his great kite at his back , a very monument of human misery . My aunt was walking up and down the room when I returned , crimping the borders of her nightcap with her fingers . I warmed the ale and made the toast on the usual infallible principles . When it was ready for her , she was ready for it , with her nightcap on , and the skirt of her gown turned back on her knees . 'My dear , ' said my aunt , after taking a spoonful of it ; 'it 's a great deal better than wine . Not half so bilious . ' I suppose I looked doubtful , for she added : 'Tut , tut , child . If nothing worse than Ale happens to us , we are well off . ' 'I should think so myself , aunt , I am sure , ' said I . 'Well , then , why DO N'T you think so ? ' said my aunt . 'Because you and I are very different people , ' I returned . 'Stuff and nonsense , Trot ! ' replied my aunt . My aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment , in which there was very little affectation , if any ; drinking the warm ale with a tea-spoon , and soaking her strips of toast in it . 'Trot , ' said she , 'I do n't care for strange faces in general , but I rather like that Barkis of yours , do you know ! ' 'It 's better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so ! ' said I . 'It 's a most extraordinary world , ' observed my aunt , rubbing her nose ; 'how that woman ever got into it with that name , is unaccountable to me . It would be much more easy to be born a Jackson , or something of that sort , one would think . ' 'Perhaps she thinks so , too ; it 's not her fault , ' said I . 'I suppose not , ' returned my aunt , rather grudging the admission ; 'but it 's very aggravating . However , she 's Barkis now . That 's some comfort . Barkis is uncommonly fond of you , Trot . ' 'There is nothing she would leave undone to prove it , ' said I . 'Nothing , I believe , ' returned my aunt . 'Here , the poor fool has been begging and praying about handing over some of her money -- because she has got too much of it . A simpleton ! ' My aunt 's tears of pleasure were positively trickling down into the warm ale . 'She 's the most ridiculous creature that ever was born , ' said my aunt . 'I knew , from the first moment when I saw her with that poor dear blessed baby of a mother of yours , that she was the most ridiculous of mortals . But there are good points in Barkis ! ' Affecting to laugh , she got an opportunity of putting her hand to her eyes . Having availed herself of it , she resumed her toast and her discourse together . 'Ah ! Mercy upon us ! ' sighed my aunt . 'I know all about it , Trot ! Barkis and myself had quite a gossip while you were out with Dick . I know all about it . I do n't know where these wretched girls expect to go to , for my part . I wonder they do n't knock out their brains against -- against mantelpieces , ' said my aunt ; an idea which was probably suggested to her by her contemplation of mine . 'Poor Emily ! ' said I . 'Oh , do n't talk to me about poor , ' returned my aunt . 'She should have thought of that , before she caused so much misery ! Give me a kiss , Trot . I am sorry for your early experience . ' As I bent forward , she put her tumbler on my knee to detain me , and said : 'Oh , Trot , Trot ! And so you fancy yourself in love ! Do you ? ' 'Fancy , aunt ! ' I exclaimed , as red as I could be . 'I adore her with my whole soul ! ' 'Dora , indeed ! ' returned my aunt . 'And you mean to say the little thing is very fascinating , I suppose ? ' 'My dear aunt , ' I replied , 'no one can form the least idea what she is ! ' 'Ah ! And not silly ? ' said my aunt . 'Silly , aunt ! ' I seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single moment , to consider whether she was or not . I resented the idea , of course ; but I was in a manner struck by it , as a new one altogether . 'Not light-headed ? ' said my aunt . 'Light-headed , aunt ! ' I could only repeat this daring speculation with the same kind of feeling with which I had repeated the preceding question . 'Well , well ! ' said my aunt . 'I only ask . I do n't depreciate her . Poor little couple ! And so you think you were formed for one another , and are to go through a party-supper-table kind of life , like two pretty pieces of confectionery , do you , Trot ? ' She asked me this so kindly , and with such a gentle air , half playful and half sorrowful , that I was quite touched . 'We are young and inexperienced , aunt , I know , ' I replied ; 'and I dare say we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish . But we love one another truly , I am sure . If I thought Dora could ever love anybody else , or cease to love me ; or that I could ever love anybody else , or cease to love her ; I do n't know what I should do -- go out of my mind , I think ! ' 'Ah , Trot ! ' said my aunt , shaking her head , and smiling gravely ; 'blind , blind , blind ! ' 'Someone that I know , Trot , ' my aunt pursued , after a pause , 'though of a very pliant disposition , has an earnestness of affection in him that reminds me of poor Baby . Earnestness is what that Somebody must look for , to sustain him and improve him , Trot . Deep , downright , faithful earnestness . ' 'If you only knew the earnestness of Dora , aunt ! ' I cried . 'Oh , Trot ! ' she said again ; 'blind , blind ! ' and without knowing why , I felt a vague unhappy loss or want of something overshadow me like a cloud . 'However , ' said my aunt , 'I do n't want to put two young creatures out of conceit with themselves , or to make them unhappy ; so , though it is a girl and boy attachment , and girl and boy attachments very often -- mind ! I do n't say always ! -- come to nothing , still we 'll be serious about it , and hope for a prosperous issue one of these days . There 's time enough for it to come to anything ! ' This was not upon the whole very comforting to a rapturous lover ; but I was glad to have my aunt in my confidence , and I was mindful of her being fatigued . So I thanked her ardently for this mark of her affection , and for all her other kindnesses towards me ; and after a tender good night , she took her nightcap into my bedroom . How miserable I was , when I lay down ! How I thought and thought about my being poor , in Mr. Spenlow 's eyes ; about my not being what I thought I was , when I proposed to Dora ; about the chivalrous necessity of telling Dora what my worldly condition was , and releasing her from her engagement if she thought fit ; about how I should contrive to live , during the long term of my articles , when I was earning nothing ; about doing something to assist my aunt , and seeing no way of doing anything ; about coming down to have no money in my pocket , and to wear a shabby coat , and to be able to carry Dora no little presents , and to ride no gallant greys , and to show myself in no agreeable light ! Sordid and selfish as I knew it was , and as I tortured myself by knowing that it was , to let my mind run on my own distress so much , I was so devoted to Dora that I could not help it . I knew that it was base in me not to think more of my aunt , and less of myself ; but , so far , selfishness was inseparable from Dora , and I could not put Dora on one side for any mortal creature . How exceedingly miserable I was , that night ! As to sleep , I had dreams of poverty in all sorts of shapes , but I seemed to dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep . Now I was ragged , wanting to sell Dora matches , six bundles for a halfpenny ; now I was at the office in a nightgown and boots , remonstrated with by Mr. Spenlow on appearing before the clients in that airy attire ; now I was hungrily picking up the crumbs that fell from old Tiffey's daily biscuit , regularly eaten when St. Paul 's struck one ; now I was hopelessly endeavouring to get a licence to marry Dora , having nothing but one of Uriah Heep 's gloves to offer in exchange , which the whole Commons rejected ; and still , more or less conscious of my own room , I was always tossing about like a distressed ship in a sea of bed-clothes . My aunt was restless , too , for I frequently heard her walking to and fro . Two or three times in the course of the night , attired in a long flannel wrapper in which she looked seven feet high , she appeared , like a disturbed ghost , in my room , and came to the side of the sofa on which I lay . On the first occasion I started up in alarm , to learn that she inferred from a particular light in the sky , that Westminster Abbey was on fire ; and to be consulted in reference to the probability of its igniting Buckingham Street , in case the wind changed . Lying still , after that , I found that she sat down near me , whispering to herself 'Poor boy ! ' And then it made me twenty times more wretched , to know how unselfishly mindful she was of me , and how selfishly mindful I was of myself . It was difficult to believe that a night so long to me , could be short to anybody else . This consideration set me thinking and thinking of an imaginary party where people were dancing the hours away , until that became a dream too , and I heard the music incessantly playing one tune , and saw Dora incessantly dancing one dance , without taking the least notice of me . The man who had been playing the harp all night , was trying in vain to cover it with an ordinary-sized nightcap , when I awoke ; or I should rather say , when I left off trying to go to sleep , and saw the sun shining in through the window at last . There was an old Roman bath in those days at the bottom of one of the streets out of the Strand -- it may be there still -- in which I have had many a cold plunge . Dressing myself as quietly as I could , and leaving Peggotty to look after my aunt , I tumbled head foremost into it , and then went for a walk to Hampstead . I had a hope that this brisk treatment might freshen my wits a little ; and I think it did them good , for I soon came to the conclusion that the first step I ought to take was , to try if my articles could be cancelled and the premium recovered . I got some breakfast on the Heath , and walked back to Doctors ' Commons , along the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers , growing in gardens and carried into town on hucksters ' heads , intent on this first effort to meet our altered circumstances . I arrived at the office so soon , after all , that I had half an hour's loitering about the Commons , before old Tiffey , who was always first , appeared with his key . Then I sat down in my shady corner , looking up at the sunlight on the opposite chimney-pots , and thinking about Dora ; until Mr. Spenlow came in , crisp and curly . 'How are you , Copperfield ? ' said he . 'Fine morning ! ' 'Beautiful morning , sir , ' said I . 'Could I say a word to you before you go into Court ? ' 'By all means , ' said he . 'Come into my room . ' I followed him into his room , and he began putting on his gown , and touching himself up before a little glass he had , hanging inside a closet door . 'I am sorry to say , ' said I , 'that I have some rather disheartening intelligence from my aunt . ' 'No ! ' said he . 'Dear me ! Not paralysis , I hope ? ' 'It has no reference to her health , sir , ' I replied . 'She has met with some large losses . In fact , she has very little left , indeed . ' 'You as-tound me , Copperfield ! ' cried Mr. Spenlow . I shook my head . 'Indeed , sir , ' said I , 'her affairs are so changed , that I wished to ask you whether it would be possible -- at a sacrifice on our part of some portion of the premium , of course , ' I put in this , on the spur of the moment , warned by the blank expression of his face -- 'to cancel my articles ? ' What it cost me to make this proposal , nobody knows . It was like asking , as a favour , to be sentenced to transportation from Dora . 'To cancel your articles , Copperfield ? Cancel ? ' I explained with tolerable firmness , that I really did not know where my means of subsistence were to come from , unless I could earn them for myself . I had no fear for the future , I said -- and I laid great emphasis on that , as if to imply that I should still be decidedly eligible for a son-in-law one of these days -- but , for the present , I was thrown upon my own resources . 'I am extremely sorry to hear this , Copperfield , ' said Mr. Spenlow . 'Extremely sorry . It is not usual to cancel articles for any such reason . It is not a professional course of proceeding . It is not a convenient precedent at all . Far from it . At the same time -- ' 'You are very good , sir , ' I murmured , anticipating a concession . 'Not at all . Do n't mention it , ' said Mr. Spenlow . 'At the same time , I was going to say , if it had been my lot to have my hands unfettered -- if I had not a partner -- Mr. Jorkins -- ' My hopes were dashed in a moment , but I made another effort . 'Do you think , sir , ' said I , 'if I were to mention it to Mr. Jorkins -- ' Mr. Spenlow shook his head discouragingly . 'Heaven forbid , Copperfield , ' he replied , 'that I should do any man an injustice : still less , Mr. jorkins . But I know my partner , Copperfield . Mr. Jorkins is not a man to respond to a proposition of this peculiar nature . Mr. jorkins is very difficult to move from the beaten track . You know what he is ! ' I am sure I knew nothing about him , except that he had originally been alone in the business , and now lived by himself in a house near Montagu Square , which was fearfully in want of painting ; that he came very late of a day , and went away very early ; that he never appeared to be consulted about anything ; and that he had a dingy little black-hole of his own upstairs , where no business was ever done , and where there was a yellow old cartridge-paper pad upon his desk , unsoiled by ink , and reported to be twenty years of age . 'Would you object to my mentioning it to him , sir ? ' I asked . 'By no means , ' said Mr. Spenlow . 'But I have some experience of Mr. jorkins , Copperfield . I wish it were otherwise , for I should be happy to meet your views in any respect . I can not have the objection to your mentioning it to Mr. jorkins , Copperfield , if you think it worth while . ' Availing myself of this permission , which was given with a warm shake of the hand , I sat thinking about Dora , and looking at the sunlight stealing from the chimney-pots down the wall of the opposite house , until Mr. jorkins came . I then went up to Mr. jorkins 's room , and evidently astonished Mr. jorkins very much by making my appearance there . 'Come in , Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mr. jorkins . 'Come in ! ' I went in , and sat down ; and stated my case to Mr. jorkins pretty much as I had stated it to Mr. Spenlow . Mr. Jorkins was not by any means the awful creature one might have expected , but a large , mild , smooth-faced man of sixty , who took so much snuff that there was a tradition in the Commons that he lived principally on that stimulant , having little room in his system for any other article of diet . 'You have mentioned this to Mr. Spenlow , I suppose ? ' said Mr. jorkins ; when he had heard me , very restlessly , to an end . I answered Yes , and told him that Mr. Spenlow had introduced his name . 'He said I should object ? ' asked Mr. jorkins . I was obliged to admit that Mr. Spenlow had considered it probable . 'I am sorry to say , Mr. Copperfield , I ca n't advance your object , ' said Mr. jorkins , nervously . 'The fact is -- but I have an appointment at the Bank , if you 'll have the goodness to excuse me . ' With that he rose in a great hurry , and was going out of the room , when I made bold to say that I feared , then , there was no way of arranging the matter ? 'No ! ' said Mr. jorkins , stopping at the door to shake his head . 'Oh , no ! I object , you know , ' which he said very rapidly , and went out . 'You must be aware , Mr. Copperfield , ' he added , looking restlessly in at the door again , 'if Mr. Spenlow objects -- ' 'Personally , he does not object , sir , ' said I . 'Oh ! Personally ! ' repeated Mr. Jorkins , in an impatient manner . 'I assure you there 's an objection , Mr. Copperfield . Hopeless ! What you wish to be done , ca n't be done . I -- I really have got an appointment at the Bank . ' With that he fairly ran away ; and to the best of my knowledge , it was three days before he showed himself in the Commons again . Being very anxious to leave no stone unturned , I waited until Mr. Spenlow came in , and then described what had passed ; giving him to understand that I was not hopeless of his being able to soften the adamantine jorkins , if he would undertake the task . 'Copperfield , ' returned Mr. Spenlow , with a gracious smile , 'you have not known my partner , Mr. jorkins , as long as I have . Nothing is farther from my thoughts than to attribute any degree of artifice to Mr. jorkins . But Mr. jorkins has a way of stating his objections which often deceives people . No , Copperfield ! ' shaking his head . 'Mr . jorkins is not to be moved , believe me ! ' I was completely bewildered between Mr. Spenlow and Mr. jorkins , as to which of them really was the objecting partner ; but I saw with sufficient clearness that there was obduracy somewhere in the firm , and that the recovery of my aunt 's thousand pounds was out of the question . In a state of despondency , which I remember with anything but satisfaction , for I know it still had too much reference to myself ( though always in connexion with Dora ) , I left the office , and went homeward . I was trying to familiarize my mind with the worst , and to present to myself the arrangements we should have to make for the future in their sternest aspect , when a hackney-chariot coming after me , and stopping at my very feet , occasioned me to look up . A fair hand was stretched forth to me from the window ; and the face I had never seen without a feeling of serenity and happiness , from the moment when it first turned back on the old oak staircase with the great broad balustrade , and when I associated its softened beauty with the stained-glass window in the church , was smiling on me . 'Agnes ! ' I joyfully exclaimed . 'Oh , my dear Agnes , of all people in the world , what a pleasure to see you ! ' 'Is it , indeed ? ' she said , in her cordial voice . 'I want to talk to you so much ! ' said I . 'It 's such a lightening of my heart , only to look at you ! If I had had a conjuror 's cap , there is no one I should have wished for but you ! ' 'What ? ' returned Agnes . 'Well ! perhaps Dora first , ' I admitted , with a blush . 'Certainly , Dora first , I hope , ' said Agnes , laughing . 'But you next ! ' said I . 'Where are you going ? ' She was going to my rooms to see my aunt . The day being very fine , she was glad to come out of the chariot , which smelt ( I had my head in it all this time ) like a stable put under a cucumber-frame . I dismissed the coachman , and she took my arm , and we walked on together . She was like Hope embodied , to me . How different I felt in one short minute , having Agnes at my side ! My aunt had written her one of the odd , abrupt notes -- very little longer than a Bank note -- to which her epistolary efforts were usually limited . She had stated therein that she had fallen into adversity , and was leaving Dover for good , but had quite made up her mind to it , and was so well that nobody need be uncomfortable about her . Agnes had come to London to see my aunt , between whom and herself there had been a mutual liking these many years : indeed , it dated from the time of my taking up my residence in Mr. Wickfield 's house . She was not alone , she said . Her papa was with her -- and Uriah Heep . 'And now they are partners , ' said I . 'Confound him ! ' 'Yes , ' said Agnes . 'They have some business here ; and I took advantage of their coming , to come too . You must not think my visit all friendly and disinterested , Trotwood , for -- I am afraid I may be cruelly prejudiced -- I do not like to let papa go away alone , with him . ' 'Does he exercise the same influence over Mr. Wickfield still , Agnes ? ' Agnes shook her head . 'There is such a change at home , ' said she , 'that you would scarcely know the dear old house . They live with us now . ' 'They ? ' said I . 'Mr . Heep and his mother . He sleeps in your old room , ' said Agnes , looking up into my face . 'I wish I had the ordering of his dreams , ' said I . 'He would n't sleep there long . ' 'I keep my own little room , ' said Agnes , 'where I used to learn my lessons . How the time goes ! You remember ? The little panelled room that opens from the drawing-room ? ' 'Remember , Agnes ? When I saw you , for the first time , coming out at the door , with your quaint little basket of keys hanging at your side ? ' 'It is just the same , ' said Agnes , smiling . 'I am glad you think of it so pleasantly . We were very happy . ' 'We were , indeed , ' said I . 'I keep that room to myself still ; but I can not always desert Mrs. Heep , you know . And so , ' said Agnes , quietly , 'I feel obliged to bear her company , when I might prefer to be alone . But I have no other reason to complain of her . If she tires me , sometimes , by her praises of her son , it is only natural in a mother . He is a very good son to her . ' I looked at Agnes when she said these words , without detecting in her any consciousness of Uriah 's design . Her mild but earnest eyes met mine with their own beautiful frankness , and there was no change in her gentle face . 'The chief evil of their presence in the house , ' said Agnes , 'is that I can not be as near papa as I could wish -- Uriah Heep being so much between us -- and can not watch over him , if that is not too bold a thing to say , as closely as I would . But if any fraud or treachery is practising against him , I hope that simple love and truth will be strong in the end . I hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world . ' A certain bright smile , which I never saw on any other face , died away , even while I thought how good it was , and how familiar it had once been to me ; and she asked me , with a quick change of expression ( we were drawing very near my street ) , if I knew how the reverse in my aunt's circumstances had been brought about . On my replying no , she had not told me yet , Agnes became thoughtful , and I fancied I felt her arm tremble in mine . We found my aunt alone , in a state of some excitement . A difference of opinion had arisen between herself and Mrs. Crupp , on an abstract question ( the propriety of chambers being inhabited by the gentler sex ) ; and my aunt , utterly indifferent to spasms on the part of Mrs. Crupp , had cut the dispute short , by informing that lady that she smelt of my brandy , and that she would trouble her to walk out . Both of these expressions Mrs. Crupp considered actionable , and had expressed her intention of bringing before a 'British Judy ' -- meaning , it was supposed , the bulwark of our national liberties . My aunt , however , having had time to cool , while Peggotty was out showing Mr. Dick the soldiers at the Horse Guards -- and being , besides , greatly pleased to see Agnes -- rather plumed herself on the affair than otherwise , and received us with unimpaired good humour . When Agnes laid her bonnet on the table , and sat down beside her , I could not but think , looking on her mild eyes and her radiant forehead , how natural it seemed to have her there ; how trustfully , although she was so young and inexperienced , my aunt confided in her ; how strong she was , indeed , in simple love and truth . We began to talk about my aunt 's losses , and I told them what I had tried to do that morning . 'Which was injudicious , Trot , ' said my aunt , 'but well meant . You are a generous boy -- I suppose I must say , young man , now -- and I am proud of you , my dear . So far , so good . Now , Trot and Agnes , let us look the case of Betsey Trotwood in the face , and see how it stands . ' I observed Agnes turn pale , as she looked very attentively at my aunt . My aunt , patting her cat , looked very attentively at Agnes . 'Betsey Trotwood , ' said my aunt , who had always kept her money matters to herself. ' -- I do n't mean your sister , Trot , my dear , but myself -- had a certain property . It do n't matter how much ; enough to live on . More ; for she had saved a little , and added to it . Betsey funded her property for some time , and then , by the advice of her man of business , laid it out on landed security . That did very well , and returned very good interest , till Betsey was paid off . I am talking of Betsey as if she was a man-of-war . Well ! Then , Betsey had to look about her , for a new investment . She thought she was wiser , now , than her man of business , who was not such a good man of business by this time , as he used to be -- I am alluding to your father , Agnes -- and she took it into her head to lay it out for herself . So she took her pigs , ' said my aunt , 'to a foreign market ; and a very bad market it turned out to be . First , she lost in the mining way , and then she lost in the diving way -- fishing up treasure , or some such Tom Tiddler nonsense , ' explained my aunt , rubbing her nose ; 'and then she lost in the mining way again , and , last of all , to set the thing entirely to rights , she lost in the banking way . I do n't know what the Bank shares were worth for a little while , ' said my aunt ; 'cent per cent was the lowest of it , I believe ; but the Bank was at the other end of the world , and tumbled into space , for what I know ; anyhow , it fell to pieces , and never will and never can pay sixpence ; and Betsey 's sixpences were all there , and there 's an end of them . Least said , soonest mended ! ' My aunt concluded this philosophical summary , by fixing her eyes with a kind of triumph on Agnes , whose colour was gradually returning . 'Dear Miss Trotwood , is that all the history ? ' said Agnes . 'I hope it 's enough , child , ' said my aunt . 'If there had been more money to lose , it would n't have been all , I dare say . Betsey would have contrived to throw that after the rest , and make another
chapter , I have little doubt . But there was no more money , and there 's no more story . ' Agnes had listened at first with suspended breath . Her colour still came and went , but she breathed more freely . I thought I knew why . I thought she had had some fear that her unhappy father might be in some way to blame for what had happened . My aunt took her hand in hers , and laughed . 'Is that all ? ' repeated my aunt . 'Why , yes , that 's all , except , `` And she lived happy ever afterwards . '' Perhaps I may add that of Betsey yet , one of these days . Now , Agnes , you have a wise head . So have you , Trot , in some things , though I ca n't compliment you always ' ; and here my aunt shook her own at me , with an energy peculiar to herself . 'What 's to be done ? Here 's the cottage , taking one time with another , will produce say seventy pounds a year . I think we may safely put it down at that . Well ! -- That 's all we 've got , ' said my aunt ; with whom it was an idiosyncrasy , as it is with some horses , to stop very short when she appeared to be in a fair way of going on for a long while . 'Then , ' said my aunt , after a rest , 'there 's Dick . He 's good for a hundred a-year , but of course that must be expended on himself . I would sooner send him away , though I know I am the only person who appreciates him , than have him , and not spend his money on himself . How can Trot and I do best , upon our means ? What do you say , Agnes ? ' 'I say , aunt , ' I interposed , 'that I must do something ! ' 'Go for a soldier , do you mean ? ' returned my aunt , alarmed ; 'or go to sea ? I wo n't hear of it . You are to be a proctor . We 're not going to have any knockings on the head in THIS family , if you please , sir . ' I was about to explain that I was not desirous of introducing that mode of provision into the family , when Agnes inquired if my rooms were held for any long term ? 'You come to the point , my dear , ' said my aunt . 'They are not to be got rid of , for six months at least , unless they could be underlet , and that I do n't believe . The last man died here . Five people out of six would die -- of course -- of that woman in nankeen with the flannel petticoat . I have a little ready money ; and I agree with you , the best thing we can do , is , to live the term out here , and get a bedroom hard by . ' I thought it my duty to hint at the discomfort my aunt would sustain , from living in a continual state of guerilla warfare with Mrs. Crupp ; but she disposed of that objection summarily by declaring that , on the first demonstration of hostilities , she was prepared to astonish Mrs. Crupp for the whole remainder of her natural life . 'I have been thinking , Trotwood , ' said Agnes , diffidently , 'that if you had time -- ' 'I have a good deal of time , Agnes . I am always disengaged after four or five o'clock , and I have time early in the morning . In one way and another , ' said I , conscious of reddening a little as I thought of the hours and hours I had devoted to fagging about town , and to and fro upon the Norwood Road , 'I have abundance of time . ' 'I know you would not mind , ' said Agnes , coming to me , and speaking in a low voice , so full of sweet and hopeful consideration that I hear it now , 'the duties of a secretary . ' 'Mind , my dear Agnes ? ' 'Because , ' continued Agnes , 'Doctor Strong has acted on his intention of retiring , and has come to live in London ; and he asked papa , I know , if he could recommend him one . Do n't you think he would rather have his favourite old pupil near him , than anybody else ? ' 'Dear Agnes ! ' said I . 'What should I do without you ! You are always my good angel . I told you so . I never think of you in any other light . ' Agnes answered with her pleasant laugh , that one good Angel ( meaning Dora ) was enough ; and went on to remind me that the Doctor had been used to occupy himself in his study , early in the morning , and in the evening -- and that probably my leisure would suit his requirements very well . I was scarcely more delighted with the prospect of earning my own bread , than with the hope of earning it under my old master ; in short , acting on the advice of Agnes , I sat down and wrote a letter to the Doctor , stating my object , and appointing to call on him next day at ten in the forenoon . This I addressed to Highgate -- for in that place , so memorable to me , he lived -- and went and posted , myself , without losing a minute . Wherever Agnes was , some agreeable token of her noiseless presence seemed inseparable from the place . When I came back , I found my aunt's birds hanging , just as they had hung so long in the parlour window of the cottage ; and my easy-chair imitating my aunt 's much easier chair in its position at the open window ; and even the round green fan , which my aunt had brought away with her , screwed on to the window-sill . I knew who had done all this , by its seeming to have quietly done itself ; and I should have known in a moment who had arranged my neglected books in the old order of my school days , even if I had supposed Agnes to be miles away , instead of seeing her busy with them , and smiling at the disorder into which they had fallen . My aunt was quite gracious on the subject of the Thames ( it really did look very well with the sun upon it , though not like the sea before the cottage ) , but she could not relent towards the London smoke , which , she said , 'peppered everything ' . A complete revolution , in which Peggotty bore a prominent part , was being effected in every corner of my rooms , in regard of this pepper ; and I was looking on , thinking how little even Peggotty seemed to do with a good deal of bustle , and how much Agnes did without any bustle at all , when a knock came at the door . 'I think , ' said Agnes , turning pale , 'it 's papa . He promised me that he would come . ' I opened the door , and admitted , not only Mr. Wickfield , but Uriah Heep . I had not seen Mr. Wickfield for some time . I was prepared for a great change in him , after what I had heard from Agnes , but his appearance shocked me . It was not that he looked many years older , though still dressed with the old scrupulous cleanliness ; or that there was an unwholesome ruddiness upon his face ; or that his eyes were full and bloodshot ; or that there was a nervous trembling in his hand , the cause of which I knew , and had for some years seen at work . It was not that he had lost his good looks , or his old bearing of a gentleman -- for that he had not -- but the thing that struck me most , was , that with the evidences of his native superiority still upon him , he should submit himself to that crawling impersonation of meanness , Uriah Heep . The reversal of the two natures , in their relative positions , Uriah 's of power and Mr. Wickfield 's of dependence , was a sight more painful to me than I can express . If I had seen an Ape taking command of a Man , I should hardly have thought it a more degrading spectacle . He appeared to be only too conscious of it himself . When he came in , he stood still ; and with his head bowed , as if he felt it . This was only for a moment ; for Agnes softly said to him , 'Papa ! Here is Miss Trotwood -- and Trotwood , whom you have not seen for a long while ! ' and then he approached , and constrainedly gave my aunt his hand , and shook hands more cordially with me . In the moment 's pause I speak of , I saw Uriah 's countenance form itself into a most ill-favoured smile . Agnes saw it too , I think , for she shrank from him . What my aunt saw , or did not see , I defy the science of physiognomy to have made out , without her own consent . I believe there never was anybody with such an imperturbable countenance when she chose . Her face might have been a dead-wall on the occasion in question , for any light it threw upon her thoughts ; until she broke silence with her usual abruptness . 'Well , Wickfield ! ' said my aunt ; and he looked up at her for the first time . 'I have been telling your daughter how well I have been disposing of my money for myself , because I could n't trust it to you , as you were growing rusty in business matters . We have been taking counsel together , and getting on very well , all things considered . Agnes is worth the whole firm , in my opinion . ' 'If I may umbly make the remark , ' said Uriah Heep , with a writhe , 'I fully agree with Miss Betsey Trotwood , and should be only too appy if Miss Agnes was a partner . ' 'You 're a partner yourself , you know , ' returned my aunt , 'and that's about enough for you , I expect . How do you find yourself , sir ? ' In acknowledgement of this question , addressed to him with extraordinary curtness , Mr. Heep , uncomfortably clutching the blue bag he carried , replied that he was pretty well , he thanked my aunt , and hoped she was the same . 'And you , Master -- I should say , Mister Copperfield , ' pursued Uriah . 'I hope I see you well ! I am rejoiced to see you , Mister Copperfield , even under present circumstances . ' I believed that ; for he seemed to relish them very much . 'Present circumstances is not what your friends would wish for you , Mister Copperfield , but it is n't money makes the man : it 's -- I am really unequal with my umble powers to express what it is , ' said Uriah , with a fawning jerk , 'but it is n't money ! ' Here he shook hands with me : not in the common way , but standing at a good distance from me , and lifting my hand up and down like a pump handle , that he was a little afraid of . 'And how do you think we are looking , Master Copperfield , -- I should say , Mister ? ' fawned Uriah . 'Do n't you find Mr. Wickfield blooming , sir ? Years do n't tell much in our firm , Master Copperfield , except in raising up the umble , namely , mother and self -- and in developing , ' he added , as an afterthought , 'the beautiful , namely , Miss Agnes . ' He jerked himself about , after this compliment , in such an intolerable manner , that my aunt , who had sat looking straight at him , lost all patience . 'Deuce take the man ! ' said my aunt , sternly , 'what 's he about ? Do n't be galvanic , sir ! ' 'I ask your pardon , Miss Trotwood , ' returned Uriah ; 'I 'm aware you're nervous . ' 'Go along with you , sir ! ' said my aunt , anything but appeased . 'Don't presume to say so ! I am nothing of the sort . If you 're an eel , sir , conduct yourself like one . If you 're a man , control your limbs , sir ! Good God ! ' said my aunt , with great indignation , 'I am not going to be serpentined and corkscrewed out of my senses ! ' Mr. Heep was rather abashed , as most people might have been , by this explosion ; which derived great additional force from the indignant manner in which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair , and shook her head as if she were making snaps or bounces at him . But he said to me aside in a meek voice : 'I am well aware , Master Copperfield , that Miss Trotwood , though an excellent lady , has a quick temper ( indeed I think I had the pleasure of knowing her , when I was a numble clerk , before you did , Master Copperfield ) , and it 's only natural , I am sure , that it should be made quicker by present circumstances . The wonder is , that it is n't much worse ! I only called to say that if there was anything we could do , in present circumstances , mother or self , or Wickfield and Heep , -- we should be really glad . I may go so far ? ' said Uriah , with a sickly smile at his partner . 'Uriah Heep , ' said Mr. Wickfield , in a monotonous forced way , 'is active in the business , Trotwood . What he says , I quite concur in . You know I had an old interest in you . Apart from that , what Uriah says I quite concur in ! ' 'Oh , what a reward it is , ' said Uriah , drawing up one leg , at the risk of bringing down upon himself another visitation from my aunt , 'to be so trusted in ! But I hope I am able to do something to relieve him from the fatigues of business , Master Copperfield ! ' 'Uriah Heep is a great relief to me , ' said Mr. Wickfield , in the same dull voice . 'It 's a load off my mind , Trotwood , to have such a partner . ' The red fox made him say all this , I knew , to exhibit him to me in the light he had indicated on the night when he poisoned my rest . I saw the same ill-favoured smile upon his face again , and saw how he watched me . 'You are not going , papa ? ' said Agnes , anxiously . 'Will you not walk back with Trotwood and me ? ' He would have looked to Uriah , I believe , before replying , if that worthy had not anticipated him . 'I am bespoke myself , ' said Uriah , 'on business ; otherwise I should have been appy to have kept with my friends . But I leave my partner to represent the firm . Miss Agnes , ever yours ! I wish you good-day , Master Copperfield , and leave my umble respects for Miss Betsey Trotwood . ' With those words , he retired , kissing his great hand , and leering at us like a mask . We sat there , talking about our pleasant old Canterbury days , an hour or two . Mr. Wickfield , left to Agnes , soon became more like his former self ; though there was a settled depression upon him , which he never shook off . For all that , he brightened ; and had an evident pleasure in hearing us recall the little incidents of our old life , many of which he remembered very well . He said it was like those times , to be alone with Agnes and me again ; and he wished to Heaven they had never changed . I am sure there was an influence in the placid face of Agnes , and in the very touch of her hand upon his arm , that did wonders for him . My aunt ( who was busy nearly all this while with Peggotty , in the inner room ) would not accompany us to the place where they were staying , but insisted on my going ; and I went . We dined together . After dinner , Agnes sat beside him , as of old , and poured out his wine . He took what she gave him , and no more -- like a child -- and we all three sat together at a window as the evening gathered in . When it was almost dark , he lay down on a sofa , Agnes pillowing his head and bending over him a little while ; and when she came back to the window , it was not so dark but I could see tears glittering in her eyes . I pray Heaven that I never may forget the dear girl in her love and truth , at that time of my life ; for if I should , I must be drawing near the end , and then I would desire to remember her best ! She filled my heart with such good resolutions , strengthened my weakness so , by her example , so directed -- I know not how , she was too modest and gentle to advise me in many words -- the wandering ardour and unsettled purpose within me , that all the little good I have done , and all the harm I have forborne , I solemnly believe I may refer to her . And how she spoke to me of Dora , sitting at the window in the dark ; listened to my praises of her ; praised again ; and round the little fairy-figure shed some glimpses of her own pure light , that made it yet more precious and more innocent to me ! Oh , Agnes , sister of my boyhood , if I had known then , what I knew long afterwards -- ! There was a beggar in the street , when I went down ; and as I turned my head towards the window , thinking of her calm seraphic eyes , he made me start by muttering , as if he were an echo of the morning : 'Blind ! Blind ! Blind ! ' CHAPTER 36 . ENTHUSIASM I began the next day with another dive into the Roman bath , and then started for Highgate . I was not dispirited now . I was not afraid of the shabby coat , and had no yearnings after gallant greys . My whole manner of thinking of our late misfortune was changed . What I had to do , was , to show my aunt that her past goodness to me had not been thrown away on an insensible , ungrateful object . What I had to do , was , to turn the painful discipline of my younger days to account , by going to work with a resolute and steady heart . What I had to do , was , to take my woodman's axe in my hand , and clear my own way through the forest of difficulty , by cutting down the trees until I came to Dora . And I went on at a mighty rate , as if it could be done by walking . When I found myself on the familiar Highgate road , pursuing such a different errand from that old one of pleasure , with which it was associated , it seemed as if a complete change had come on my whole life . But that did not discourage me . With the new life , came new purpose , new intention . Great was the labour ; priceless the reward . Dora was the reward , and Dora must be won . I got into such a transport , that I felt quite sorry my coat was not a little shabby already . I wanted to be cutting at those trees in the forest of difficulty , under circumstances that should prove my strength . I had a good mind to ask an old man , in wire spectacles , who was breaking stones upon the road , to lend me his hammer for a little while , and let me begin to beat a path to Dora out of granite . I stimulated myself into such a heat , and got so out of breath , that I felt as if I had been earning I do n't know how much . In this state , I went into a cottage that I saw was to let , and examined it narrowly , -- for I felt it necessary to be practical . It would do for me and Dora admirably : with a little front garden for Jip to run about in , and bark at the tradespeople through the railings , and a capital room upstairs for my aunt . I came out again , hotter and faster than ever , and dashed up to Highgate , at such a rate that I was there an hour too early ; and , though I had not been , should have been obliged to stroll about to cool myself , before I was at all presentable . My first care , after putting myself under this necessary course of preparation , was to find the Doctor 's house . It was not in that part of Highgate where Mrs. Steerforth lived , but quite on the opposite side of the little town . When I had made this discovery , I went back , in an attraction I could not resist , to a lane by Mrs. Steerforth 's , and looked over the corner of the garden wall . His room was shut up close . The conservatory doors were standing open , and Rosa Dartle was walking , bareheaded , with a quick , impetuous step , up and down a gravel walk on one side of the lawn . She gave me the idea of some fierce thing , that was dragging the length of its chain to and fro upon a beaten track , and wearing its heart out . I came softly away from my place of observation , and avoiding that part of the neighbourhood , and wishing I had not gone near it , strolled about until it was ten o'clock . The church with the slender spire , that stands on the top of the hill now , was not there then to tell me the time . An old red-brick mansion , used as a school , was in its place ; and a fine old house it must have been to go to school at , as I recollect it . When I approached the Doctor 's cottage -- a pretty old place , on which he seemed to have expended some money , if I might judge from the embellishments and repairs that had the look of being just completed -- I saw him walking in the garden at the side , gaiters and all , as if he had never left off walking since the days of my pupilage . He had his old companions about him , too ; for there were plenty of high trees in the neighbourhood , and two or three rooks were on the grass , looking after him , as if they had been written to about him by the Canterbury rooks , and were observing him closely in consequence . Knowing the utter hopelessness of attracting his attention from that distance , I made bold to open the gate , and walk after him , so as to meet him when he should turn round . When he did , and came towards me , he looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments , evidently without thinking about me at all ; and then his benevolent face expressed extraordinary pleasure , and he took me by both hands . 'Why , my dear Copperfield , ' said the Doctor , 'you are a man ! How do you do ? I am delighted to see you . My dear Copperfield , how very much you have improved ! You are quite -- yes -- dear me ! ' I hoped he was well , and Mrs. Strong too . 'Oh dear , yes ! ' said the Doctor ; 'Annie 's quite well , and she 'll be delighted to see you . You were always her favourite . She said so , last night , when I showed her your letter . And -- yes , to be sure -- you recollect Mr. Jack Maldon , Copperfield ? ' 'Perfectly , sir . ' 'Of course , ' said the Doctor . 'To be sure . He 's pretty well , too . ' 'Has he come home , sir ? ' I inquired . 'From India ? ' said the Doctor . 'Yes . Mr. Jack Maldon could n't bear the climate , my dear . Mrs. Markleham -- you have not forgotten Mrs . Markleham ? ' Forgotten the Old Soldier ! And in that short time ! 'Mrs . Markleham , ' said the Doctor , 'was quite vexed about him , poor thing ; so we have got him at home again ; and we have bought him a little Patent place , which agrees with him much better . ' I knew enough of Mr. Jack Maldon to suspect from this account that it was a place where there was not much to do , and which was pretty well paid . The Doctor , walking up and down with his hand on my shoulder , and his kind face turned encouragingly to mine , went on : 'Now , my dear Copperfield , in reference to this proposal of yours . It's very gratifying and agreeable to me , I am sure ; but do n't you think you could do better ? You achieved distinction , you know , when you were with us . You are qualified for many good things . You have laid a foundation that any edifice may be raised upon ; and is it not a pity that you should devote the spring-time of your life to such a poor pursuit as I can offer ? ' I became very glowing again , and , expressing myself in a rhapsodical style , I am afraid , urged my request strongly ; reminding the Doctor that I had already a profession . 'Well , well , ' said the Doctor , 'that 's true . Certainly , your having a profession , and being actually engaged in studying it , makes a difference . But , my good young friend , what 's seventy pounds a year ? ' 'It doubles our income , Doctor Strong , ' said I . 'Dear me ! ' replied the Doctor . 'To think of that ! Not that I mean to say it 's rigidly limited to seventy pounds a-year , because I have always contemplated making any young friend I might thus employ , a present too . Undoubtedly , ' said the Doctor , still walking me up and down with his hand on my shoulder . 'I have always taken an annual present into account . ' 'My dear tutor , ' said I ( now , really , without any nonsense ) , 'to whom I owe more obligations already than I ever can acknowledge -- ' 'No , no , ' interposed the Doctor . 'Pardon me ! ' 'If you will take such time as I have , and that is my mornings and evenings , and can think it worth seventy pounds a year , you will do me such a service as I can not express . ' 'Dear me ! ' said the Doctor , innocently . 'To think that so little should go for so much ! Dear , dear ! And when you can do better , you will ? On your word , now ? ' said the Doctor , -- which he had always made a very grave appeal to the honour of us boys . 'On my word , sir ! ' I returned , answering in our old school manner . 'Then be it so , ' said the Doctor , clapping me on the shoulder , and still keeping his hand there , as we still walked up and down . 'And I shall be twenty times happier , sir , ' said I , with a little -- I hope innocent -- flattery , 'if my employment is to be on the Dictionary . ' The Doctor stopped , smilingly clapped me on the shoulder again , and exclaimed , with a triumph most delightful to behold , as if I had penetrated to the profoundest depths of mortal sagacity , 'My dear young friend , you have hit it . It IS the Dictionary ! ' How could it be anything else ! His pockets were as full of it as his head . It was sticking out of him in all directions . He told me that since his retirement from scholastic life , he had been advancing with it wonderfully ; and that nothing could suit him better than the proposed arrangements for morning and evening work , as it was his custom to walk about in the daytime with his considering cap on . His papers were in a little confusion , in consequence of Mr. Jack Maldon having lately proffered his occasional services as an amanuensis , and not being accustomed to that occupation ; but we should soon put right what was amiss , and go on swimmingly . Afterwards , when we were fairly at our work , I found Mr. Jack Maldon 's efforts more troublesome to me than I had expected , as he had not confined himself to making numerous mistakes , but had sketched so many soldiers , and ladies ' heads , over the Doctor 's manuscript , that I often became involved in labyrinths of obscurity . The Doctor was quite happy in the prospect of our going to work together on that wonderful performance , and we settled to begin next morning at seven o'clock . We were to work two hours every morning , and two or three hours every night , except on Saturdays , when I was to rest . On Sundays , of course , I was to rest also , and I considered these very easy terms . Our plans being thus arranged to our mutual satisfaction , the Doctor took me into the house to present me to Mrs. Strong , whom we found in the Doctor 's new study , dusting his books , -- a freedom which he never permitted anybody else to take with those sacred favourites . They had postponed their breakfast on my account , and we sat down to table together . We had not been seated long , when I saw an approaching arrival in Mrs. Strong 's face , before I heard any sound of it . A gentleman on horseback came to the gate , and leading his horse into the little court , with the bridle over his arm , as if he were quite at home , tied him to a ring in the empty coach-house wall , and came into the breakfast parlour , whip in hand . It was Mr. Jack Maldon ; and Mr. Jack Maldon was not at all improved by India , I thought . I was in a state of ferocious virtue , however , as to young men who were not cutting down trees in the forest of difficulty ; and my impression must be received with due allowance . 'Mr . Jack ! ' said the Doctor . 'Copperfield ! ' Mr. Jack Maldon shook hands with me ; but not very warmly , I believed ; and with an air of languid patronage , at which I secretly took great umbrage . But his languor altogether was quite a wonderful sight ; except when he addressed himself to his cousin Annie . 'Have you breakfasted this morning , Mr . Jack ? ' said the Doctor . 'I hardly ever take breakfast , sir , ' he replied , with his head thrown back in an easy-chair . 'I find it bores me . ' 'Is there any news today ? ' inquired the Doctor . 'Nothing at all , sir , ' replied Mr. Maldon . 'There 's an account about the people being hungry and discontented down in the North , but they are always being hungry and discontented somewhere . ' The Doctor looked grave , and said , as though he wished to change the subject , 'Then there 's no news at all ; and no news , they say , is good news . ' 'There 's a long statement in the papers , sir , about a murder , ' observed Mr. Maldon . 'But somebody is always being murdered , and I did n't read it . ' A display of indifference to all the actions and passions of mankind was not supposed to be such a distinguished quality at that time , I think , as I have observed it to be considered since . I have known it very fashionable indeed . I have seen it displayed with such success , that I have encountered some fine ladies and gentlemen who might as well have been born caterpillars . Perhaps it impressed me the more then , because it was new to me , but it certainly did not tend to exalt my opinion of , or to strengthen my confidence in , Mr. Jack Maldon . 'I came out to inquire whether Annie would like to go to the opera tonight , ' said Mr. Maldon , turning to her . 'It 's the last good night there will be , this season ; and there 's a singer there , whom she really ought to hear . She is perfectly exquisite . Besides which , she is so charmingly ugly , ' relapsing into languor . The Doctor , ever pleased with what was likely to please his young wife , turned to her and said : 'You must go , Annie . You must go . ' 'I would rather not , ' she said to the Doctor . 'I prefer to remain at home . I would much rather remain at home . ' Without looking at her cousin , she then addressed me , and asked me about Agnes , and whether she should see her , and whether she was not likely to come that day ; and was so much disturbed , that I wondered how even the Doctor , buttering his toast , could be blind to what was so obvious . But he saw nothing . He told her , good-naturedly , that she was young and ought to be amused and entertained , and must not allow herself to be made dull by a dull old fellow . Moreover , he said , he wanted to hear her sing all the new singer 's songs to him ; and how could she do that well , unless she went ? So the Doctor persisted in making the engagement for her , and Mr. Jack Maldon was to come back to dinner . This concluded , he went to his Patent place , I suppose ; but at all events went away on his horse , looking very idle . I was curious to find out next morning , whether she had been . She had not , but had sent into London to put her cousin off ; and had gone out in the afternoon to see Agnes , and had prevailed upon the Doctor to go with her ; and they had walked home by the fields , the Doctor told me , the evening being delightful . I wondered then , whether she would have gone if Agnes had not been in town , and whether Agnes had some good influence over her too ! She did not look very happy , I thought ; but it was a good face , or a very false one . I often glanced at it , for she sat in the window all the time we were at work ; and made our breakfast , which we took by snatches as we were employed . When I left , at nine o'clock , she was kneeling on the ground at the Doctor 's feet , putting on his shoes and gaiters for him . There was a softened shade upon her face , thrown from some green leaves overhanging the open window of the low room ; and I thought all the way to Doctors ' Commons , of the night when I had seen it looking at him as he read . I was pretty busy now ; up at five in the morning , and home at nine or ten at night . But I had infinite satisfaction in being so closely engaged , and never walked slowly on any account , and felt enthusiastically that the more I tired myself , the more I was doing to deserve Dora . I had not revealed myself in my altered character to Dora yet , because she was coming to see Miss Mills in a few days , and I deferred all I had to tell her until then ; merely informing her in my letters ( all our communications were secretly forwarded through Miss Mills ) , that I had much to tell her . In the meantime , I put myself on a short allowance of bear 's grease , wholly abandoned scented soap and lavender water , and sold off three waistcoats at a prodigious sacrifice , as being too luxurious for my stern career . Not satisfied with all these proceedings , but burning with impatience to do something more , I went to see Traddles , now lodging up behind the parapet of a house in Castle Street , Holborn . Mr. Dick , who had been with me to Highgate twice already , and had resumed his companionship with the Doctor , I took with me . I took Mr. Dick with me , because , acutely sensitive to my aunt's reverses , and sincerely believing that no galley-slave or convict worked as I did , he had begun to fret and worry himself out of spirits and appetite , as having nothing useful to do . In this condition , he felt more incapable of finishing the Memorial than ever ; and the harder he worked at it , the oftener that unlucky head of King Charles the First got into it . Seriously apprehending that his malady would increase , unless we put some innocent deception upon him and caused him to believe that he was useful , or unless we could put him in the way of being really useful ( which would be better ) , I made up my mind to try if Traddles could help us . Before we went , I wrote Traddles a full statement of all that had happened , and Traddles wrote me back a capital answer , expressive of his sympathy and friendship . We found him hard at work with his inkstand and papers , refreshed by the sight of the flower-pot stand and the little round table in a corner of the small apartment . He received us cordially , and made friends with Mr. Dick in a moment . Mr. Dick professed an absolute certainty of having seen him before , and we both said , 'Very likely . ' The first subject on which I had to consult Traddles was this , -- I had heard that many men distinguished in various pursuits had begun life by reporting the debates in Parliament . Traddles having mentioned newspapers to me , as one of his hopes , I had put the two things together , and told Traddles in my letter that I wished to know how I could qualify myself for this pursuit . Traddles now informed me , as the result of his inquiries , that the mere mechanical acquisition necessary , except in rare cases , for thorough excellence in it , that is to say , a perfect and entire command of the mystery of short-hand writing and reading , was about equal in difficulty to the mastery of six languages ; and that it might perhaps be attained , by dint of perseverance , in the course of a few years . Traddles reasonably supposed that this would settle the business ; but I , only feeling that here indeed were a few tall trees to be hewn down , immediately resolved to work my way on to Dora through this thicket , axe in hand . 'I am very much obliged to you , my dear Traddles ! ' said I . 'I 'll begin tomorrow . ' Traddles looked astonished , as he well might ; but he had no notion as yet of my rapturous condition . 'I 'll buy a book , ' said I , 'with a good scheme of this art in it ; I'll work at it at the Commons , where I have n't half enough to do ; I 'll take down the speeches in our court for practice -- Traddles , my dear fellow , I 'll master it ! ' 'Dear me , ' said Traddles , opening his eyes , 'I had no idea you were such a determined character , Copperfield ! ' I do n't know how he should have had , for it was new enough to me . I passed that off , and brought Mr. Dick on the carpet . 'You see , ' said Mr. Dick , wistfully , 'if I could exert myself , Mr. Traddles -- if I could beat a drum -- or blow anything ! ' Poor fellow ! I have little doubt he would have preferred such an employment in his heart to all others . Traddles , who would not have smiled for the world , replied composedly : 'But you are a very good penman , sir . You told me so , Copperfield ? ' 'Excellent ! ' said I . And indeed he was . He wrote with extraordinary neatness . 'Do n't you think , ' said Traddles , 'you could copy writings , sir , if I got them for you ? ' Mr. Dick looked doubtfully at me . 'Eh , Trotwood ? ' I shook my head . Mr. Dick shook his , and sighed . 'Tell him about the Memorial , ' said Mr. Dick . I explained to Traddles that there was a difficulty in keeping King Charles the First out of Mr. Dick 's manuscripts ; Mr. Dick in the meanwhile looking very deferentially and seriously at Traddles , and sucking his thumb . 'But these writings , you know , that I speak of , are already drawn up and finished , ' said Traddles after a little consideration . 'Mr . Dick has nothing to do with them . Would n't that make a difference , Copperfield ? At all events , would n't it be well to try ? ' This gave us new hope . Traddles and I laying our heads together apart , while Mr. Dick anxiously watched us from his chair , we concocted a scheme in virtue of which we got him to work next day , with triumphant success . On a table by the window in Buckingham Street , we set out the work Traddles procured for him -- which was to make , I forget how many copies of a legal document about some right of way -- and on another table we spread the last unfinished original of the great Memorial . Our instructions to Mr. Dick were that he should copy exactly what he had before him , without the least departure from the original ; and that when he felt it necessary to make the slightest allusion to King Charles the First , he should fly to the Memorial . We exhorted him to be resolute in this , and left my aunt to observe him . My aunt reported to us , afterwards , that , at first , he was like a man playing the kettle-drums , and constantly divided his attentions between the two ; but that , finding this confuse and fatigue him , and having his copy there , plainly before his eyes , he soon sat at it in an orderly business-like manner , and postponed the Memorial to a more convenient time . In a word , although we took great care that he should have no more to do than was good for him , and although he did not begin with the beginning of a week , he earned by the following Saturday night ten shillings and nine-pence ; and never , while I live , shall I forget his going about to all the shops in the neighbourhood to change this treasure into sixpences , or his bringing them to my aunt arranged in the form of a heart upon a waiter , with tears of joy and pride in his eyes . He was like one under the propitious influence of a charm , from the moment of his being usefully employed ; and if there were a happy man in the world , that Saturday night , it was the grateful creature who thought my aunt the most wonderful woman in existence , and me the most wonderful young man . 'No starving now , Trotwood , ' said Mr. Dick , shaking hands with me in a corner . 'I 'll provide for her , Sir ! ' and he flourished his ten fingers in the air , as if they were ten banks . I hardly know which was the better pleased , Traddles or I . 'It really , ' said Traddles , suddenly , taking a letter out of his pocket , and giving it to me , 'put Mr. Micawber quite out of my head ! ' The letter ( Mr. Micawber never missed any possible opportunity of writing a letter ) was addressed to me , 'By the kindness of T. Traddles , Esquire , of the Inner Temple . ' It ran thus : -- 'MY DEAR COPPERFIELD , 'You may possibly not be unprepared to receive the intimation that something has turned up . I may have mentioned to you on a former occasion that I was in expectation of such an event . 'I am about to establish myself in one of the provincial towns of our favoured island ( where the society may be described as a happy admixture of the agricultural and the clerical ) , in immediate connexion with one of the learned professions . Mrs. Micawber and our offspring will accompany me . Our ashes , at a future period , will probably be found commingled in the cemetery attached to a venerable pile , for which the spot to which I refer has acquired a reputation , shall I say from China to Peru ? 'In bidding adieu to the modern Babylon , where we have undergone many vicissitudes , I trust not ignobly , Mrs. Micawber and myself can not disguise from our minds that we part , it may be for years and it may be for ever , with an individual linked by strong associations to the altar of our domestic life . If , on the eve of such a departure , you will accompany our mutual friend , Mr. Thomas Traddles , to our present abode , and there reciprocate the wishes natural to the occasion , you will confer a Boon 'On 'One 'Who 'Is 'Ever yours , 'WILKINS MICAWBER . ' I was glad to find that Mr. Micawber had got rid of his dust and ashes , and that something really had turned up at last . Learning from Traddles that the invitation referred to the evening then wearing away , I expressed my readiness to do honour to it ; and we went off together to the lodging which Mr. Micawber occupied as Mr. Mortimer , and which was situated near the top of the Gray 's Inn Road . The resources of this lodging were so limited , that we found the twins , now some eight or nine years old , reposing in a turn-up bedstead in the family sitting-room , where Mr. Micawber had prepared , in a wash-hand-stand jug , what he called 'a Brew ' of the agreeable beverage for which he was famous . I had the pleasure , on this occasion , of renewing the acquaintance of Master Micawber , whom I found a promising boy of about twelve or thirteen , very subject to that restlessness of limb which is not an unfrequent phenomenon in youths of his age . I also became once more known to his sister , Miss Micawber , in whom , as Mr. Micawber told us , 'her mother renewed her youth , like the Phoenix ' . 'My dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'yourself and Mr. Traddles find us on the brink of migration , and will excuse any little discomforts incidental to that position . ' Glancing round as I made a suitable reply , I observed that the family effects were already packed , and that the amount of luggage was by no means overwhelming . I congratulated Mrs. Micawber on the approaching change . 'My dear Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'of your friendly interest in all our affairs , I am well assured . My family may consider it banishment , if they please ; but I am a wife and mother , and I never will desert Mr . Micawber . ' Traddles , appealed to by Mrs. Micawber 's eye , feelingly acquiesced . 'That , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'that , at least , is my view , my dear Mr. Copperfield and Mr. Traddles , of the obligation which I took upon myself when I repeated the irrevocable words , `` I , Emma , take thee , Wilkins . '' I read the service over with a flat-candle on the previous night , and the conclusion I derived from it was , that I never could desert Mr. Micawber . And , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'though it is possible I may be mistaken in my view of the ceremony , I never will ! ' 'My dear , ' said Mr. Micawber , a little impatiently , 'I am not conscious that you are expected to do anything of the sort . ' 'I am aware , my dear Mr. Copperfield , ' pursued Mrs. Micawber , 'that I am now about to cast my lot among strangers ; and I am also aware that the various members of my family , to whom Mr. Micawber has written in the most gentlemanly terms , announcing that fact , have not taken the least notice of Mr. Micawber 's communication . Indeed I may be superstitious , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'but it appears to me that Mr. Micawber is destined never to receive any answers whatever to the great majority of the communications he writes . I may augur , from the silence of my family , that they object to the resolution I have taken ; but I should not allow myself to be swerved from the path of duty , Mr. Copperfield , even by my papa and mama , were they still living . ' I expressed my opinion that this was going in the right direction . 'It may be a sacrifice , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'to immure one's-self in a Cathedral town ; but surely , Mr. Copperfield , if it is a sacrifice in me , it is much more a sacrifice in a man of Mr. Micawber 's abilities . ' 'Oh ! You are going to a Cathedral town ? ' said I. Mr. Micawber , who had been helping us all , out of the wash-hand-stand jug , replied : 'To Canterbury . In fact , my dear Copperfield , I have entered into arrangements , by virtue of which I stand pledged and contracted to our friend Heep , to assist and serve him in the capacity of -- and to be -- his confidential clerk . ' I stared at Mr. Micawber , who greatly enjoyed my surprise . 'I am bound to state to you , ' he said , with an official air , 'that the business habits , and the prudent suggestions , of Mrs. Micawber , have in a great measure conduced to this result . The gauntlet , to which Mrs. Micawber referred upon a former occasion , being thrown down in the form of an advertisement , was taken up by my friend Heep , and led to a mutual recognition . Of my friend Heep , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'who is a man of remarkable shrewdness , I desire to speak with all possible respect . My friend Heep has not fixed the positive remuneration at too high a figure , but he has made a great deal , in the way of extrication from the pressure of pecuniary difficulties , contingent on the value of my services ; and on the value of those services I pin my faith . Such address and intelligence as I chance to possess , ' said Mr. Micawber , boastfully disparaging himself , with the old genteel air , 'will be devoted to my friend Heep 's service . I have already some acquaintance with the law -- as a defendant on civil process -- and I shall immediately apply myself to the Commentaries of one of the most eminent and remarkable of our English jurists . I believe it is unnecessary to add that I allude to Mr. justice Blackstone . ' These observations , and indeed the greater part of the observations made that evening , were interrupted by Mrs. Micawber 's discovering that Master Micawber was sitting on his boots , or holding his head on with both arms as if he felt it loose , or accidentally kicking Traddles under the table , or shuffling his feet over one another , or producing them at distances from himself apparently outrageous to nature , or lying sideways with his hair among the wine-glasses , or developing his restlessness of limb in some other form incompatible with the general interests of society ; and by Master Micawber 's receiving those discoveries in a resentful spirit . I sat all the while , amazed by Mr. Micawber 's disclosure , and wondering what it meant ; until Mrs. Micawber resumed the thread of the discourse , and claimed my attention . 'What I particularly request Mr. Micawber to be careful of , is , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'that he does not , my dear Mr. Copperfield , in applying himself to this subordinate branch of the law , place it out of his power to rise , ultimately , to the top of the tree . I am convinced that Mr. Micawber , giving his mind to a profession so adapted to his fertile resources , and his flow of language , must distinguish himself . Now , for example , Mr. Traddles , ' said Mrs. Micawber , assuming a profound air , 'a judge , or even say a Chancellor . Does an individual place himself beyond the pale of those preferments by entering on such an office as Mr. Micawber has accepted ? ' 'My dear , ' observed Mr. Micawber -- but glancing inquisitively at Traddles , too ; 'we have time enough before us , for the consideration of those questions . ' 'Micawber , ' she returned , 'no ! Your mistake in life is , that you do not look forward far enough . You are bound , in justice to your family , if not to yourself , to take in at a comprehensive glance the extremest point in the horizon to which your abilities may lead you . ' Mr. Micawber coughed , and drank his punch with an air of exceeding satisfaction -- still glancing at Traddles , as if he desired to have his opinion . 'Why , the plain state of the case , Mrs. Micawber , ' said Traddles , mildly breaking the truth to her . 'I mean the real prosaic fact , you know -- ' 'Just so , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'my dear Mr. Traddles , I wish to be as prosaic and literal as possible on a subject of so much importance . ' ' -- Is , ' said Traddles , 'that this branch of the law , even if Mr. Micawber were a regular solicitor -- ' 'Exactly so , ' returned Mrs. Micawber . ( 'Wilkins , you are squinting , and will not be able to get your eyes back . ' ) ' -- Has nothing , ' pursued Traddles , 'to do with that . Only a barrister is eligible for such preferments ; and Mr. Micawber could not be a barrister , without being entered at an inn of court as a student , for five years . ' 'Do I follow you ? ' said Mrs. Micawber , with her most affable air of business . 'Do I understand , my dear Mr. Traddles , that , at the expiration of that period , Mr. Micawber would be eligible as a Judge or Chancellor ? ' 'He would be ELIGIBLE , ' returned Traddles , with a strong emphasis on that word . 'Thank you , ' said Mrs. Micawber . 'That is quite sufficient . If such is the case , and Mr. Micawber forfeits no privilege by entering on these duties , my anxiety is set at rest . I speak , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'as a female , necessarily ; but I have always been of opinion that Mr. Micawber possesses what I have heard my papa call , when I lived at home , the judicial mind ; and I hope Mr. Micawber is now entering on a field where that mind will develop itself , and take a commanding station . ' I quite believe that Mr. Micawber saw himself , in his judicial mind's eye , on the woolsack . He passed his hand complacently over his bald head , and said with ostentatious resignation : 'My dear , we will not anticipate the decrees of fortune . If I am reserved to wear a wig , I am at least prepared , externally , ' in allusion to his baldness , 'for that distinction . I do not , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'regret my hair , and I may have been deprived of it for a specific purpose . I can not say . It is my intention , my dear Copperfield , to educate my son for the Church ; I will not deny that I should be happy , on his account , to attain to eminence . ' 'For the Church ? ' said I , still pondering , between whiles , on Uriah Heep . 'Yes , ' said Mr. Micawber . 'He has a remarkable head-voice , and will commence as a chorister . Our residence at Canterbury , and our local connexion , will , no doubt , enable him to take advantage of any vacancy that may arise in the Cathedral corps . ' On looking at Master Micawber again , I saw that he had a certain expression of face , as if his voice were behind his eyebrows ; where it presently appeared to be , on his singing us ( as an alternative between that and bed ) 'The Wood-Pecker tapping ' . After many compliments on this performance , we fell into some general conversation ; and as I was too full of my desperate intentions to keep my altered circumstances to myself , I made them known to Mr. and Mrs. Micawber . I can not express how extremely delighted they both were , by the idea of my aunt 's being in difficulties ; and how comfortable and friendly it made them . When we were nearly come to the last round of the punch , I addressed myself to Traddles , and reminded him that we must not separate , without wishing our friends health , happiness , and success in their new career . I begged Mr. Micawber to fill us bumpers , and proposed the toast in due form : shaking hands with him across the table , and kissing Mrs. Micawber , to commemorate that eventful occasion . Traddles imitated me in the first particular , but did not consider himself a sufficiently old friend to venture on the second . 'My dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , rising with one of his thumbs in each of his waistcoat pockets , 'the companion of my youth : if I may be allowed the expression -- and my esteemed friend Traddles : if I may be permitted to call him so -- will allow me , on the part of Mrs. Micawber , myself , and our offspring , to thank them in the warmest and most uncompromising terms for their good wishes . It may be expected that on the eve of a migration which will consign us to a perfectly new existence , ' Mr. Micawber spoke as if they were going five hundred thousand miles , 'I should offer a few valedictory remarks to two such friends as I see before me . But all that I have to say in this way , I have said . Whatever station in society I may attain , through the medium of the learned profession of which I am about to become an unworthy member , I shall endeavour not to disgrace , and Mrs. Micawber will be safe to adorn . Under the temporary pressure of pecuniary liabilities , contracted with a view to their immediate liquidation , but remaining unliquidated through a combination of circumstances , I have been under the necessity of assuming a garb from which my natural instincts recoil -- I allude to spectacles -- and possessing myself of a cognomen , to which I can establish no legitimate pretensions . All I have to say on that score is , that the cloud has passed from the dreary scene , and the God of Day is once more high upon the mountain tops . On Monday next , on the arrival of the four o'clock afternoon coach at Canterbury , my foot will be on my native heath -- my name , Micawber ! ' Mr. Micawber resumed his seat on the close of these remarks , and drank two glasses of punch in grave succession . He then said with much solemnity : 'One thing more I have to do , before this separation is complete , and that is to perform an act of justice . My friend Mr. Thomas Traddles has , on two several occasions , `` put his name '' , if I may use a common expression , to bills of exchange for my accommodation . On the first occasion Mr. Thomas Traddles was left -- let me say , in short , in the lurch . The fulfilment of the second has not yet arrived . The amount of the first obligation , ' here Mr. Micawber carefully referred to papers , 'was , I believe , twenty-three , four , nine and a half , of the second , according to my entry of that transaction , eighteen , six , two . These sums , united , make a total , if my calculation is correct , amounting to forty-one , ten , eleven and a half . My friend Copperfield will perhaps do me the favour to check that total ? ' I did so and found it correct . 'To leave this metropolis , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'and my friend Mr. Thomas Traddles , without acquitting myself of the pecuniary part of this obligation , would weigh upon my mind to an insupportable extent . I have , therefore , prepared for my friend Mr. Thomas Traddles , and I now hold in my hand , a document , which accomplishes the desired object . I beg to hand to my friend Mr. Thomas Traddles my I.O.U . for forty-one , ten , eleven and a half , and I am happy to recover my moral dignity , and to know that I can once more walk erect before my fellow man ! ' With this introduction ( which greatly affected him ) , Mr. Micawber placed his I.O.U . in the hands of Traddles , and said he wished him well in every relation of life . I am persuaded , not only that this was quite the same to Mr. Micawber as paying the money , but that Traddles himself hardly knew the difference until he had had time to think about it . Mr. Micawber walked so erect before his fellow man , on the strength of this virtuous action , that his chest looked half as broad again when he lighted us downstairs . We parted with great heartiness on both sides ; and when I had seen Traddles to his own door , and was going home alone , I thought , among the other odd and contradictory things I mused upon , that , slippery as Mr. Micawber was , I was probably indebted to some compassionate recollection he retained of me as his boy-lodger , for never having been asked by him for money . I certainly should not have had the moral courage to refuse it ; and I have no doubt he knew that ( to his credit be it written ) , quite as well as I did . CHAPTER 37 . A LITTLE COLD WATER My new life had lasted for more than a week , and I was stronger than ever in those tremendous practical resolutions that I felt the crisis required . I continued to walk extremely fast , and to have a general idea that I was getting on . I made it a rule to take as much out of myself as I possibly could , in my way of doing everything to which I applied my energies . I made a perfect victim of myself . I even entertained some idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet , vaguely conceiving that , in becoming a graminivorous animal , I should sacrifice to Dora . As yet , little Dora was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness , otherwise than as my letters darkly shadowed it forth . But another Saturday came , and on that Saturday evening she was to be at Miss Mills 's ; and when Mr. Mills had gone to his whist-club ( telegraphed to me in the street , by a bird-cage in the drawing-room middle window ) , I was to go there to tea . By this time , we were quite settled down in Buckingham Street , where Mr. Dick continued his copying in a state of absolute felicity . My aunt had obtained a signal victory over Mrs. Crupp , by paying her off , throwing the first pitcher she planted on the stairs out of window , and protecting in person , up and down the staircase , a supernumerary whom she engaged from the outer world . These vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of Mrs. Crupp , that she subsided into her own kitchen , under the impression that my aunt was mad . My aunt being supremely indifferent to Mrs. Crupp 's opinion and everybody else 's , and rather favouring than discouraging the idea , Mrs. Crupp , of late the bold , became within a few days so faint-hearted , that rather than encounter my aunt upon the staircase , she would endeavour to hide her portly form behind doors -- leaving visible , however , a wide margin of flannel petticoat -- or would shrink into dark corners . This gave my aunt such unspeakable satisfaction , that I believe she took a delight in prowling up and down , with her bonnet insanely perched on the top of her head , at times when Mrs. Crupp was likely to be in the way . My aunt , being uncommonly neat and ingenious , made so many little improvements in our domestic arrangements , that I seemed to be richer instead of poorer . Among the rest , she converted the pantry into a dressing-room for me ; and purchased and embellished a bedstead for my occupation , which looked as like a bookcase in the daytime as a bedstead could . I was the object of her constant solicitude ; and my poor mother herself could not have loved me better , or studied more how to make me happy . Peggotty had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed to participate in these labours ; and , although she still retained something of her old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt , had received so many marks of encouragement and confidence , that they were the best friends possible . But the time had now come ( I am speaking of the Saturday when I was to take tea at Miss Mills 's ) when it was necessary for her to return home , and enter on the discharge of the duties she had undertaken in behalf of Ham . 'So good-bye , Barkis , ' said my aunt , 'and take care of yourself ! I am sure I never thought I could be sorry to lose you ! ' I took Peggotty to the coach office and saw her off . She cried at parting , and confided her brother to my friendship as Ham had done . We had heard nothing of him since he went away , that sunny afternoon . 'And now , my own dear Davy , ' said Peggotty , 'if , while you 're a prentice , you should want any money to spend ; or if , when you 're out of your time , my dear , you should want any to set you up ( and you must do one or other , or both , my darling ) ; who has such a good right to ask leave to lend it you , as my sweet girl 's own old stupid me ! ' I was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply , but that if ever I borrowed money of anyone , I would borrow it of her . Next to accepting a large sum on the spot , I believe this gave Peggotty more comfort than anything I could have done . 'And , my dear ! ' whispered Peggotty , 'tell the pretty little angel that I should so have liked to see her , only for a minute ! And tell her that before she marries my boy , I 'll come and make your house so beautiful for you , if you 'll let me ! ' I declared that nobody else should touch it ; and this gave Peggotty such delight that she went away in good spirits . I fatigued myself as much as I possibly could in the Commons all day , by a variety of devices , and at the appointed time in the evening repaired to Mr. Mills 's street . Mr. Mills , who was a terrible fellow to fall asleep after dinner , had not yet gone out , and there was no bird-cage in the middle window . He kept me waiting so long , that I fervently hoped the Club would fine him for being late . At last he came out ; and then I saw my own Dora hang up the bird-cage , and peep into the balcony to look for me , and run in again when she saw I was there , while Jip remained behind , to bark injuriously at an immense butcher 's dog in the street , who could have taken him like a pill . Dora came to the drawing-room door to meet me ; and Jip came scrambling out , tumbling over his own growls , under the impression that I was a Bandit ; and we all three went in , as happy and loving as could be . I soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys -- not that I meant to do it , but that I was so full of the subject -- by asking Dora , without the smallest preparation , if she could love a beggar ? My pretty , little , startled Dora ! Her only association with the word was a yellow face and a nightcap , or a pair of crutches , or a wooden leg , or a dog with a decanter-stand in his mouth , or something of that kind ; and she stared at me with the most delightful wonder . 'How can you ask me anything so foolish ? ' pouted Dora . 'Love a beggar ! ' 'Dora , my own dearest ! ' said I . 'I am a beggar ! ' 'How can you be such a silly thing , ' replied Dora , slapping my hand , 'as to sit there , telling such stories ? I 'll make Jip bite you ! ' Her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me , but it was necessary to be explicit , and I solemnly repeated : 'Dora , my own life , I am your ruined David ! ' 'I declare I 'll make Jip bite you ! ' said Dora , shaking her curls , 'if you are so ridiculous . ' But I looked so serious , that Dora left off shaking her curls , and laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder , and first looked scared and anxious , then began to cry . That was dreadful . I fell upon my knees before the sofa , caressing her , and imploring her not to rend my heart ; but , for some time , poor little Dora did nothing but exclaim Oh dear ! Oh dear ! And oh , she was so frightened ! And where was Julia Mills ! And oh , take her to Julia Mills , and go away , please ! until I was almost beside myself . At last , after an agony of supplication and protestation , I got Dora to look at me , with a horrified expression of face , which I gradually soothed until it was only loving , and her soft , pretty cheek was lying against mine . Then I told her , with my arms clasped round her , how I loved her , so dearly , and so dearly ; how I felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement , because now I was poor ; how I never could bear it , or recover it , if I lost her ; how I had no fears of poverty , if she had none , my arm being nerved and my heart inspired by her ; how I was already working with a courage such as none but lovers knew ; how I had begun to be practical , and look into the future ; how a crust well earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited ; and much more to the same purpose , which I delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising to myself , though I had been thinking about it , day and night , ever since my aunt had astonished me . 'Is your heart mine still , dear Dora ? ' said I , rapturously , for I knew by her clinging to me that it was . 'Oh , yes ! ' cried Dora . 'Oh , yes , it 's all yours . Oh , do n't be dreadful ! ' I dreadful ! To Dora ! 'Do n't talk about being poor , and working hard ! ' said Dora , nestling closer to me . 'Oh , do n't , do n't ! ' 'My dearest love , ' said I , 'the crust well-earned -- ' 'Oh , yes ; but I do n't want to hear any more about crusts ! ' said Dora . 'And Jip must have a mutton-chop every day at twelve , or he 'll die . ' I was charmed with her childish , winning way . I fondly explained to Dora that Jip should have his mutton-chop with his accustomed regularity . I drew a picture of our frugal home , made independent by my labour -- sketching in the little house I had seen at Highgate , and my aunt in her room upstairs . 'I am not dreadful now , Dora ? ' said I , tenderly . 'Oh , no , no ! ' cried Dora . 'But I hope your aunt will keep in her own room a good deal . And I hope she 's not a scolding old thing ! ' If it were possible for me to love Dora more than ever , I am sure I did . But I felt she was a little impracticable . It damped my new-born ardour , to find that ardour so difficult of communication to her . I made another trial . When she was quite herself again , and was curling Jip 's ears , as he lay upon her lap , I became grave , and said : 'My own ! May I mention something ? ' 'Oh , please do n't be practical ! ' said Dora , coaxingly . 'Because it frightens me so ! ' 'Sweetheart ! ' I returned ; 'there is nothing to alarm you in all this . I want you to think of it quite differently . I want to make it nerve you , and inspire you , Dora ! ' 'Oh , but that 's so shocking ! ' cried Dora . 'My love , no . Perseverance and strength of character will enable us to bear much worse things . ' 'But I have n't got any strength at all , ' said Dora , shaking her curls . 'Have I , Jip ? Oh , do kiss Jip , and be agreeable ! ' It was impossible to resist kissing Jip , when she held him up to me for that purpose , putting her own bright , rosy little mouth into kissing form , as she directed the operation , which she insisted should be performed symmetrically , on the centre of his nose . I did as she bade me -- rewarding myself afterwards for my obedience -- and she charmed me out of my graver character for I do n't know how long . 'But , Dora , my beloved ! ' said I , at last resuming it ; 'I was going to mention something . ' The judge of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love with her , to see her fold her little hands and hold them up , begging and praying me not to be dreadful any more . 'Indeed I am not going to be , my darling ! ' I assured her . 'But , Dora , my love , if you will sometimes think , -- not despondingly , you know ; far from that ! -- but if you will sometimes think -- just to encourage yourself -- that you are engaged to a poor man -- ' 'Do n't , do n't ! Pray do n't ! ' cried Dora . 'It 's so very dreadful ! ' 'My soul , not at all ! ' said I , cheerfully . 'If you will sometimes think of that , and look about now and then at your papa 's housekeeping , and endeavour to acquire a little habit -- of accounts , for instance -- ' Poor little Dora received this suggestion with something that was half a sob and half a scream. ' -- It would be so useful to us afterwards , ' I went on . 'And if you would promise me to read a little -- a little Cookery Book that I would send you , it would be so excellent for both of us . For our path in life , my Dora , ' said I , warming with the subject , 'is stony and rugged now , and it rests with us to smooth it . We must fight our way onward . We must be brave . There are obstacles to be met , and we must meet , and crush them ! ' I was going on at a great rate , with a clenched hand , and a most enthusiastic countenance ; but it was quite unnecessary to proceed . I had said enough . I had done it again . Oh , she was so frightened ! Oh , where was Julia Mills ! Oh , take her to Julia Mills , and go away , please ! So that , in short , I was quite distracted , and raved about the drawing-room . I thought I had killed her , this time . I sprinkled water on her face . I went down on my knees . I plucked at my hair . I denounced myself as a remorseless brute and a ruthless beast . I implored her forgiveness . I besought her to look up . I ravaged Miss Mills 's work-box for a smelling-bottle , and in my agony of mind applied an ivory needle-case instead , and dropped all the needles over Dora . I shook my fists at Jip , who was as frantic as myself . I did every wild extravagance that could be done , and was a long way beyond the end of my wits when Miss Mills came into the room . 'Who has done this ? ' exclaimed Miss Mills , succouring her friend . I replied , 'I , Miss Mills ! I have done it ! Behold the destroyer ! ' -- or words to that effect -- and hid my face from the light , in the sofa cushion . At first Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel , and that we were verging on the Desert of Sahara ; but she soon found out how matters stood , for my dear affectionate little Dora , embracing her , began exclaiming that I was 'a poor labourer ' ; and then cried for me , and embraced me , and asked me would I let her give me all her money to keep , and then fell on Miss Mills 's neck , sobbing as if her tender heart were broken . Miss Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us . She ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about , comforted Dora , and gradually convinced her that I was not a labourer -- from my manner of stating the case I believe Dora concluded that I was a navigator , and went balancing myself up and down a plank all day with a wheelbarrow -- and so brought us together in peace . When we were quite composed , and Dora had gone up-stairs to put some rose-water to her eyes , Miss Mills rang for tea . In the ensuing interval , I told Miss Mills that she was evermore my friend , and that my heart must cease to vibrate ere I could forget her sympathy . I then expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured , so very unsuccessfully , to expound to Dora . Miss Mills replied , on general principles , that the Cottage of content was better than the Palace of cold splendour , and that where love was , all was . I said to Miss Mills that this was very true , and who should know it better than I , who loved Dora with a love that never mortal had experienced yet ? But on Miss Mills observing , with despondency , that it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so , I explained that I begged leave to restrict the observation to mortals of the masculine gender . I then put it to Miss Mills , to say whether she considered that there was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion I had been anxious to make , concerning the accounts , the housekeeping , and the Cookery Book ? Miss Mills , after some consideration , thus replied : 'Mr . Copperfield , I will be plain with you . Mental suffering and trial supply , in some natures , the place of years , and I will be as plain with you as if I were a Lady Abbess . No . The suggestion is not appropriate to our Dora . Our dearest Dora is a favourite child of nature . She is a thing of light , and airiness , and joy . I am free to confess that if it could be done , it might be well , but -- ' And Miss Mills shook her head . I was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss Mills to ask her , whether , for Dora 's sake , if she had any opportunity of luring her attention to such preparations for an earnest life , she would avail herself of it ? Miss Mills replied in the affirmative so readily , that I further asked her if she would take charge of the Cookery Book ; and , if she ever could insinuate it upon Dora 's acceptance , without frightening her , undertake to do me that crowning service . Miss Mills accepted this trust , too ; but was not sanguine . And Dora returned , looking such a lovely little creature , that I really doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything so ordinary . And she loved me so much , and was so captivating ( particularly when she made Jip stand on his hind legs for toast , and when she pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot teapot for punishment because he would n't ) , that I felt like a sort of Monster who had got into a Fairy's bower , when I thought of having frightened her , and made her cry . After tea we had the guitar ; and Dora sang those same dear old French songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving off dancing , La ra la , La ra la , until I felt a much greater Monster than before . We had only one check to our pleasure , and that happened a little while before I took my leave , when , Miss Mills chancing to make some allusion to tomorrow morning , I unluckily let out that , being obliged to exert myself now , I got up at five o'clock . Whether Dora had any idea that I was a Private Watchman , I am unable to say ; but it made a great impression on her , and she neither played nor sang any more . It was still on her mind when I bade her adieu ; and she said to me , in her pretty coaxing way -- as if I were a doll , I used to think : 'Now do n't get up at five o'clock , you naughty boy . It 's so nonsensical ! ' 'My love , ' said I , 'I have work to do . ' 'But do n't do it ! ' returned Dora . 'Why should you ? ' It was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face , otherwise than lightly and playfully , that we must work to live . 'Oh ! How ridiculous ! ' cried Dora . 'How shall we live without , Dora ? ' said I . 'How ? Any how ! ' said Dora . She seemed to think she had quite settled the question , and gave me such a triumphant little kiss , direct from her innocent heart , that I would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer , for a fortune . Well ! I loved her , and I went on loving her , most absorbingly , entirely , and completely . But going on , too , working pretty hard , and busily keeping red-hot all the irons I now had in the fire , I would sit sometimes of a night , opposite my aunt , thinking how I had frightened Dora that time , and how I could best make my way with a guitar-case through the forest of difficulty , until I used to fancy that my head was turning quite grey . CHAPTER 38 . A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP I did not allow my resolution , with respect to the Parliamentary Debates , to cool . It was one of the irons I began to heat immediately , and one of the irons I kept hot , and hammered at , with a perseverance I may honestly admire . I bought an approved scheme of the noble art and mystery of stenography ( which cost me ten and sixpence ) ; and plunged into a sea of perplexity that brought me , in a few weeks , to the confines of distraction . The changes that were rung upon dots , which in such a position meant such a thing , and in such another position something else , entirely different ; the wonderful vagaries that were played by circles ; the unaccountable consequences that resulted from marks like flies ' legs ; the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong place ; not only troubled my waking hours , but reappeared before me in my sleep . When I had groped my way , blindly , through these difficulties , and had mastered the alphabet , which was an Egyptian Temple in itself , there then appeared a procession of new horrors , called arbitrary characters ; the most despotic characters I have ever known ; who insisted , for instance , that a thing like the beginning of a cobweb , meant expectation , and that a pen-and-ink sky-rocket , stood for disadvantageous . When I had fixed these wretches in my mind , I found that they had driven everything else out of it ; then , beginning again , I forgot them ; while I was picking them up , I dropped the other fragments of the system ; in short , it was almost heart-breaking . It might have been quite heart-breaking , but for Dora , who was the stay and anchor of my tempest-driven bark . Every scratch in the scheme was a gnarled oak in the forest of difficulty , and I went on cutting them down , one after another , with such vigour , that in three or four months I was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack speakers in the Commons . Shall I ever forget how the crack speaker walked off from me before I began , and left my imbecile pencil staggering about the paper as if it were in a fit ! This would not do , it was quite clear . I was flying too high , and should never get on , so . I resorted to Traddles for advice ; who suggested that he should dictate speeches to me , at a pace , and with occasional stoppages , adapted to my weakness . Very grateful for this friendly aid , I accepted the proposal ; and night after night , almost every night , for a long time , we had a sort of Private Parliament in Buckingham Street , after I came home from the Doctor 's . I should like to see such a Parliament anywhere else ! My aunt and Mr. Dick represented the Government or the Opposition ( as the case might be ) , and Traddles , with the assistance of Enfield 's Speakers , or a volume of parliamentary orations , thundered astonishing invectives against them . Standing by the table , with his finger in the page to keep the place , and his right arm flourishing above his head , Traddles , as Mr. Pitt , Mr. Fox , Mr. Sheridan , Mr. Burke , Lord Castlereagh , Viscount Sidmouth , or Mr. Canning , would work himself into the most violent heats , and deliver the most withering denunciations of the profligacy and corruption of my aunt and Mr. Dick ; while I used to sit , at a little distance , with my notebook on my knee , fagging after him with all my might and main . The inconsistency and recklessness of Traddles were not to be exceeded by any real politician . He was for any description of policy , in the compass of a week ; and nailed all sorts of colours to every denomination of mast . My aunt , looking very like an immovable Chancellor of the Exchequer , would occasionally throw in an interruption or two , as 'Hear ! ' or 'No ! ' or 'Oh ! ' when the text seemed to require it : which was always a signal to Mr. Dick ( a perfect country gentleman ) to follow lustily with the same cry . But Mr. Dick got taxed with such things in the course of his Parliamentary career , and was made responsible for such awful consequences , that he became uncomfortable in his mind sometimes . I believe he actually began to be afraid he really had been doing something , tending to the annihilation of the British constitution , and the ruin of the country . Often and often we pursued these debates until the clock pointed to midnight , and the candles were burning down . The result of so much good practice was , that by and by I began to keep pace with Traddles pretty well , and should have been quite triumphant if I had had the least idea what my notes were about . But , as to reading them after I had got them , I might as well have copied the Chinese inscriptions of an immense collection of tea-chests , or the golden characters on all the great red and green bottles in the chemists ' shops ! There was nothing for it , but to turn back and begin all over again . It was very hard , but I turned back , though with a heavy heart , and began laboriously and methodically to plod over the same tedious ground at a snail 's pace ; stopping to examine minutely every speck in the way , on all sides , and making the most desperate efforts to know these elusive characters by sight wherever I met them . I was always punctual at the office ; at the Doctor 's too : and I really did work , as the common expression is , like a cart-horse . One day , when I went to the Commons as usual , I found Mr. Spenlow in the doorway looking extremely grave , and talking to himself . As he was in the habit of complaining of pains in his head -- he had naturally a short throat , and I do seriously believe he over-starched himself -- I was at first alarmed by the idea that he was not quite right in that direction ; but he soon relieved my uneasiness . Instead of returning my 'Good morning ' with his usual affability , he looked at me in a distant , ceremonious manner , and coldly requested me to accompany him to a certain coffee-house , which , in those days , had a door opening into the Commons , just within the little archway in St. Paul 's Churchyard . I complied , in a very uncomfortable state , and with a warm shooting all over me , as if my apprehensions were breaking out into buds . When I allowed him to go on a little before , on account of the narrowness of the way , I observed that he carried his head with a lofty air that was particularly unpromising ; and my mind misgave me that he had found out about my darling Dora . If I had not guessed this , on the way to the coffee-house , I could hardly have failed to know what was the matter when I followed him into an upstairs room , and found Miss Murdstone there , supported by a background of sideboard , on which were several inverted tumblers sustaining lemons , and two of those extraordinary boxes , all corners and flutings , for sticking knives and forks in , which , happily for mankind , are now obsolete . Miss Murdstone gave me her chilly finger-nails , and sat severely rigid . Mr. Spenlow shut the door , motioned me to a chair , and stood on the hearth-rug in front of the fireplace . 'Have the goodness to show Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mr. Spenlow , what you have in your reticule , Miss Murdstone . ' I believe it was the old identical steel-clasped reticule of my childhood , that shut up like a bite . Compressing her lips , in sympathy with the snap , Miss Murdstone opened it -- opening her mouth a little at the same time -- and produced my last letter to Dora , teeming with expressions of devoted affection . 'I believe that is your writing , Mr . Copperfield ? ' said Mr. Spenlow . I was very hot , and the voice I heard was very unlike mine , when I said , 'It is , sir ! ' 'If I am not mistaken , ' said Mr. Spenlow , as Miss Murdstone brought a parcel of letters out of her reticule , tied round with the dearest bit of blue ribbon , 'those are also from your pen , Mr . Copperfield ? ' I took them from her with a most desolate sensation ; and , glancing at such phrases at the top , as 'My ever dearest and own Dora , ' 'My best beloved angel , ' 'My blessed one for ever , ' and the like , blushed deeply , and inclined my head . 'No , thank you ! ' said Mr. Spenlow , coldly , as I mechanically offered them back to him . 'I will not deprive you of them . Miss Murdstone , be so good as to proceed ! ' That gentle creature , after a moment 's thoughtful survey of the carpet , delivered herself with much dry unction as follows . 'I must confess to having entertained my suspicions of Miss Spenlow , in reference to David Copperfield , for some time . I observed Miss Spenlow and David Copperfield , when they first met ; and the impression made upon me then was not agreeable . The depravity of the human heart is such -- ' 'You will oblige me , ma'am , ' interrupted Mr. Spenlow , 'by confining yourself to facts . ' Miss Murdstone cast down her eyes , shook her head as if protesting against this unseemly interruption , and with frowning dignity resumed : 'Since I am to confine myself to facts , I will state them as dryly as I can . Perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding . I have already said , sir , that I have had my suspicions of Miss Spenlow , in reference to David Copperfield , for some time . I have frequently endeavoured to find decisive corroboration of those suspicions , but without effect . I have therefore forborne to mention them to Miss Spenlow 's father ' ; looking severely at him -- 'knowing how little disposition there usually is in such cases , to acknowledge the conscientious discharge of duty . ' Mr. Spenlow seemed quite cowed by the gentlemanly sternness of Miss Murdstone 's manner , and deprecated her severity with a conciliatory little wave of his hand . 'On my return to Norwood , after the period of absence occasioned by my brother 's marriage , ' pursued Miss Murdstone in a disdainful voice , 'and on the return of Miss Spenlow from her visit to her friend Miss Mills , I imagined that the manner of Miss Spenlow gave me greater occasion for suspicion than before . Therefore I watched Miss Spenlow closely . ' Dear , tender little Dora , so unconscious of this Dragon 's eye ! 'Still , ' resumed Miss Murdstone , 'I found no proof until last night . It appeared to me that Miss Spenlow received too many letters from her friend Miss Mills ; but Miss Mills being her friend with her father's full concurrence , ' another telling blow at Mr. Spenlow , 'it was not for me to interfere . If I may not be permitted to allude to the natural depravity of the human heart , at least I may -- I must -- be permitted , so far to refer to misplaced confidence . ' Mr. Spenlow apologetically murmured his assent . 'Last evening after tea , ' pursued Miss Murdstone , 'I observed the little dog starting , rolling , and growling about the drawing-room , worrying something . I said to Miss Spenlow , `` Dora , what is that the dog has in his mouth ? It 's paper . '' Miss Spenlow immediately put her hand to her frock , gave a sudden cry , and ran to the dog . I interposed , and said , '' Dora , my love , you must permit me . '' ' Oh Jip , miserable Spaniel , this wretchedness , then , was your work ! 'Miss Spenlow endeavoured , ' said Miss Murdstone , 'to bribe me with kisses , work-boxes , and small articles of jewellery -- that , of course , I pass over . The little dog retreated under the sofa on my approaching him , and was with great difficulty dislodged by the fire-irons . Even when dislodged , he still kept the letter in his mouth ; and on my endeavouring to take it from him , at the imminent risk of being bitten , he kept it between his teeth so pertinaciously as to suffer himself to be held suspended in the air by means of the document . At length I obtained possession of it . After perusing it , I taxed Miss Spenlow with having many such letters in her possession ; and ultimately obtained from her the packet which is now in David Copperfield 's hand . ' Here she ceased ; and snapping her reticule again , and shutting her mouth , looked as if she might be broken , but could never be bent . 'You have heard Miss Murdstone , ' said Mr. Spenlow , turning to me . 'I beg to ask , Mr. Copperfield , if you have anything to say in reply ? ' The picture I had before me , of the beautiful little treasure of my heart , sobbing and crying all night -- of her being alone , frightened , and wretched , then -- of her having so piteously begged and prayed that stony-hearted woman to forgive her -- of her having vainly offered her those kisses , work-boxes , and trinkets -- of her being in such grievous distress , and all for me -- very much impaired the little dignity I had been able to muster . I am afraid I was in a tremulous state for a minute or so , though I did my best to disguise it . 'There is nothing I can say , sir , ' I returned , 'except that all the blame is mine . Dora -- ' 'Miss Spenlow , if you please , ' said her father , majestically. ' -- was induced and persuaded by me , ' I went on , swallowing that colder designation , 'to consent to this concealment , and I bitterly regret it . ' 'You are very much to blame , sir , ' said Mr. Spenlow , walking to and fro upon the hearth-rug , and emphasizing what he said with his whole body instead of his head , on account of the stiffness of his cravat and spine . 'You have done a stealthy and unbecoming action , Mr. Copperfield . When I take a gentleman to my house , no matter whether he is nineteen , twenty-nine , or ninety , I take him there in a spirit of confidence . If he abuses my confidence , he commits a dishonourable action , Mr . Copperfield . ' 'I feel it , sir , I assure you , ' I returned . 'But I never thought so , before . Sincerely , honestly , indeed , Mr. Spenlow , I never thought so , before . I love Miss Spenlow to that extent -- ' 'Pooh ! nonsense ! ' said Mr. Spenlow , reddening . 'Pray do n't tell me to my face that you love my daughter , Mr . Copperfield ! ' 'Could I defend my conduct if I did not , sir ? ' I returned , with all humility . 'Can you defend your conduct if you do , sir ? ' said Mr. Spenlow , stopping short upon the hearth-rug . 'Have you considered your years , and my daughter 's years , Mr. Copperfield ? Have you considered what it is to undermine the confidence that should subsist between my daughter and myself ? Have you considered my daughter 's station in life , the projects I may contemplate for her advancement , the testamentary intentions I may have with reference to her ? Have you considered anything , Mr . Copperfield ? ' 'Very little , sir , I am afraid ; ' I answered , speaking to him as respectfully and sorrowfully as I felt ; 'but pray believe me , I have considered my own worldly position . When I explained it to you , we were already engaged -- ' 'I BEG , ' said Mr. Spenlow , more like Punch than I had ever seen him , as he energetically struck one hand upon the other -- I could not help noticing that even in my despair ; 'that YOU Will NOT talk to me of engagements , Mr . Copperfield ! ' The otherwise immovable Miss Murdstone laughed contemptuously in one short syllable . 'When I explained my altered position to you , sir , ' I began again , substituting a new form of expression for what was so unpalatable to him , 'this concealment , into which I am so unhappy as to have led Miss Spenlow , had begun . Since I have been in that altered position , I have strained every nerve , I have exerted every energy , to improve it . I am sure I shall improve it in time . Will you grant me time -- any length of time ? We are both so young , sir , -- ' 'You are right , ' interrupted Mr. Spenlow , nodding his head a great many times , and frowning very much , 'you are both very young . It 's all nonsense . Let there be an end of the nonsense . Take away those letters , and throw them in the fire . Give me Miss Spenlow 's letters to throw in the fire ; and although our future intercourse must , you are aware , be restricted to the Commons here , we will agree to make no further mention of the past . Come , Mr. Copperfield , you do n't want sense ; and this is the sensible course . ' No . I could n't think of agreeing to it . I was very sorry , but there was a higher consideration than sense . Love was above all earthly considerations , and I loved Dora to idolatry , and Dora loved me . I did n't exactly say so ; I softened it down as much as I could ; but I implied it , and I was resolute upon it . I do n't think I made myself very ridiculous , but I know I was resolute . 'Very well , Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mr. Spenlow , 'I must try my influence with my daughter . ' Miss Murdstone , by an expressive sound , a long drawn respiration , which was neither a sigh nor a moan , but was like both , gave it as her opinion that he should have done this at first . 'I must try , ' said Mr. Spenlow , confirmed by this support , 'my influence with my daughter . Do you decline to take those letters , Mr . Copperfield ? ' For I had laid them on the table . Yes . I told him I hoped he would not think it wrong , but I couldn't possibly take them from Miss Murdstone . 'Nor from me ? ' said Mr. Spenlow . No , I replied with the profoundest respect ; nor from him . 'Very well ! ' said Mr. Spenlow . A silence succeeding , I was undecided whether to go or stay . At length I was moving quietly towards the door , with the intention of saying that perhaps I should consult his feelings best by withdrawing : when he said , with his hands in his coat pockets , into which it was as much as he could do to get them ; and with what I should call , upon the whole , a decidedly pious air : 'You are probably aware , Mr. Copperfield , that I am not altogether destitute of worldly possessions , and that my daughter is my nearest and dearest relative ? ' I hurriedly made him a reply to the effect , that I hoped the error into which I had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love , did not induce him to think me mercenary too ? 'I do n't allude to the matter in that light , ' said Mr. Spenlow . 'It would be better for yourself , and all of us , if you WERE mercenary , Mr. Copperfield -- I mean , if you were more discreet and less influenced by all this youthful nonsense . No . I merely say , with quite another view , you are probably aware I have some property to bequeath to my child ? ' I certainly supposed so . 'And you can hardly think , ' said Mr. Spenlow , 'having experience of what we see , in the Commons here , every day , of the various unaccountable and negligent proceedings of men , in respect of their testamentary arrangements -- of all subjects , the one on which perhaps the strangest revelations of human inconsistency are to be met with -- but that mine are made ? ' I inclined my head in acquiescence . 'I should not allow , ' said Mr. Spenlow , with an evident increase of pious sentiment , and slowly shaking his head as he poised himself upon his toes and heels alternately , 'my suitable provision for my child to be influenced by a piece of youthful folly like the present . It is mere folly . Mere nonsense . In a little while , it will weigh lighter than any feather . But I might -- I might -- if this silly business were not completely relinquished altogether , be induced in some anxious moment to guard her from , and surround her with protections against , the consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage . Now , Mr. Copperfield , I hope that you will not render it necessary for me to open , even for a quarter of an hour , that closed page in the book of life , and unsettle , even for a quarter of an hour , grave affairs long since composed . ' There was a serenity , a tranquillity , a calm sunset air about him , which quite affected me . He was so peaceful and resigned -- clearly had his affairs in such perfect train , and so systematically wound up -- that he was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of . I really think I saw tears rise to his eyes , from the depth of his own feeling of all this . But what could I do ? I could not deny Dora and my own heart . When he told me I had better take a week to consider of what he had said , how could I say I would n't take a week , yet how could I fail to know that no amount of weeks could influence such love as mine ? 'In the meantime , confer with Miss Trotwood , or with any person with any knowledge of life , ' said Mr. Spenlow , adjusting his cravat with both hands . 'Take a week , Mr . Copperfield . ' I submitted ; and , with a countenance as expressive as I was able to make it of dejected and despairing constancy , came out of the room . Miss Murdstone 's heavy eyebrows followed me to the door -- I say her eyebrows rather than her eyes , because they were much more important in her face -- and she looked so exactly as she used to look , at about that hour of the morning , in our parlour at Blunderstone , that I could have fancied I had been breaking down in my lessons again , and that the dead weight on my mind was that horrible old spelling-book , with oval woodcuts , shaped , to my youthful fancy , like the glasses out of spectacles . When I got to the office , and , shutting out old Tiffey and the rest of them with my hands , sat at my desk , in my own particular nook , thinking of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly , and in the bitterness of my spirit cursing Jip , I fell into such a state of torment about Dora , that I wonder I did not take up my hat and rush insanely to Norwood . The idea of their frightening her , and making her cry , and of my not being there to comfort her , was so excruciating , that it impelled me to write a wild letter to Mr. Spenlow , beseeching him not to visit upon her the consequences of my awful destiny . I implored him to spare her gentle nature -- not to crush a fragile flower -- and addressed him generally , to the best of my remembrance , as if , instead of being her father , he had been an Ogre , or the Dragon of Wantley . This letter I sealed and laid upon his desk before he returned ; and when he came in , I saw him , through the half-opened door of his room , take it up and read it . He said nothing about it all the morning ; but before he went away in the afternoon he called me in , and told me that I need not make myself at all uneasy about his daughter 's happiness . He had assured her , he said , that it was all nonsense ; and he had nothing more to say to her . He believed he was an indulgent father ( as indeed he was ) , and I might spare myself any solicitude on her account . 'You may make it necessary , if you are foolish or obstinate , Mr. Copperfield , ' he observed , 'for me to send my daughter abroad again , for a term ; but I have a better opinion of you . I hope you will be wiser than that , in a few days . As to Miss Murdstone , ' for I had alluded to her in the letter , 'I respect that lady 's vigilance , and feel obliged to her ; but she has strict charge to avoid the subject . All I desire , Mr. Copperfield , is , that it should be forgotten . All you have got to do , Mr. Copperfield , is to forget it . ' All ! In the note I wrote to Miss Mills , I bitterly quoted this sentiment . All I had to do , I said , with gloomy sarcasm , was to forget Dora . That was all , and what was that ! I entreated Miss Mills to see me , that evening . If it could not be done with Mr. Mills 's sanction and concurrence , I besought a clandestine interview in the back kitchen where the Mangle was . I informed her that my reason was tottering on its throne , and only she , Miss Mills , could prevent its being deposed . I signed myself , hers distractedly ; and I could n't help feeling , while I read this composition over , before sending it by a porter , that it was something in the style of Mr. Micawber . However , I sent it . At night I repaired to Miss Mills 's street , and walked up and down , until I was stealthily fetched in by Miss Mills's maid , and taken the area way to the back kitchen . I have since seen reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to prevent my going in at the front door , and being shown up into the drawing-room , except Miss Mills 's love of the romantic and mysterious . In the back kitchen , I raved as became me . I went there , I suppose , to make a fool of myself , and I am quite sure I did it . Miss Mills had received a hasty note from Dora , telling her that all was discovered , and saying . 'Oh pray come to me , Julia , do , do ! ' But Miss Mills , mistrusting the acceptability of her presence to the higher powers , had not yet gone ; and we were all benighted in the Desert of Sahara . Miss Mills had a wonderful flow of words , and liked to pour them out . I could not help feeling , though she mingled her tears with mine , that she had a dreadful luxury in our afflictions . She petted them , as I may say , and made the most of them . A deep gulf , she observed , had opened between Dora and me , and Love could only span it with its rainbow . Love must suffer in this stern world ; it ever had been so , it ever would be so . No matter , Miss Mills remarked . Hearts confined by cobwebs would burst at last , and then Love was avenged . This was small consolation , but Miss Mills would n't encourage fallacious hopes . She made me much more wretched than I was before , and I felt ( and told her with the deepest gratitude ) that she was indeed a friend . We resolved that she should go to Dora the first thing in the morning , and find some means of assuring her , either by looks or words , of my devotion and misery . We parted , overwhelmed with grief ; and I think Miss Mills enjoyed herself completely . I confided all to my aunt when I got home ; and in spite of all she could say to me , went to bed despairing . I got up despairing , and went out despairing . It was Saturday morning , and I went straight to the Commons . I was surprised , when I came within sight of our office-door , to see the ticket-porters standing outside talking together , and some half-dozen stragglers gazing at the windows which were shut up . I quickened my pace , and , passing among them , wondering at their looks , went hurriedly in . The clerks were there , but nobody was doing anything . Old Tiffey , for the first time in his life I should think , was sitting on somebody else 's stool , and had not hung up his hat . 'This is a dreadful calamity , Mr. Copperfield , ' said he , as I entered . 'What is ? ' I exclaimed . 'What 's the matter ? ' 'Do n't you know ? ' cried Tiffey , and all the rest of them , coming round me . 'No ! ' said I , looking from face to face . 'Mr . Spenlow , ' said Tiffey . 'What about him ! ' 'Dead ! ' I thought it was the office reeling , and not I , as one of the clerks caught hold of me . They sat me down in a chair , untied my neck-cloth , and brought me some water . I have no idea whether this took any time . 'Dead ? ' said I . 'He dined in town yesterday , and drove down in the phaeton by himself , ' said Tiffey , 'having sent his own groom home by the coach , as he sometimes did , you know -- ' 'Well ? ' 'The phaeton went home without him . The horses stopped at the stable-gate . The man went out with a lantern . Nobody in the carriage . ' 'Had they run away ? ' 'They were not hot , ' said Tiffey , putting on his glasses ; 'no hotter , I understand , than they would have been , going down at the usual pace . The reins were broken , but they had been dragging on the ground . The house was roused up directly , and three of them went out along the road . They found him a mile off . ' 'More than a mile off , Mr. Tiffey , ' interposed a junior . 'Was it ? I believe you are right , ' said Tiffey , -- 'more than a mile off -- not far from the church -- lying partly on the roadside , and partly on the path , upon his face . Whether he fell out in a fit , or got out , feeling ill before the fit came on -- or even whether he was quite dead then , though there is no doubt he was quite insensible -- no one appears to know . If he breathed , certainly he never spoke . Medical assistance was got as soon as possible , but it was quite useless . ' I can not describe the state of mind into which I was thrown by this intelligence . The shock of such an event happening so suddenly , and happening to one with whom I had been in any respect at variance -- the appalling vacancy in the room he had occupied so lately , where his chair and table seemed to wait for him , and his handwriting of yesterday was like a ghost -- the indefinable impossibility of separating him from the place , and feeling , when the door opened , as if he might come in -- the lazy hush and rest there was in the office , and the insatiable relish with which our people talked about it , and other people came in and out all day , and gorged themselves with the subject -- this is easily intelligible to anyone . What I can not describe is , how , in the innermost recesses of my own heart , I had a lurking jealousy even of Death . How I felt as if its might would push me from my ground in Dora 's thoughts . How I was , in a grudging way I have no words for , envious of her grief . How it made me restless to think of her weeping to others , or being consoled by others . How I had a grasping , avaricious wish to shut out everybody from her but myself , and to be all in all to her , at that unseasonable time of all times . In the trouble of this state of mind -- not exclusively my own , I hope , but known to others -- I went down to Norwood that night ; and finding from one of the servants , when I made my inquiries at the door , that Miss Mills was there , got my aunt to direct a letter to her , which I wrote . I deplored the untimely death of Mr. Spenlow , most sincerely , and shed tears in doing so . I entreated her to tell Dora , if Dora were in a state to hear it , that he had spoken to me with the utmost kindness and consideration ; and had coupled nothing but tenderness , not a single or reproachful word , with her name . I know I did this selfishly , to have my name brought before her ; but I tried to believe it was an act of justice to his memory . Perhaps I did believe it . My aunt received a few lines next day in reply ; addressed , outside , to her ; within , to me . Dora was overcome by grief ; and when her friend had asked her should she send her love to me , had only cried , as she was always crying , 'Oh , dear papa ! oh , poor papa ! ' But she had not said No , and that I made the most of . Mr. jorkins , who had been at Norwood since the occurrence , came to the office a few days afterwards . He and Tiffey were closeted together for some few moments , and then Tiffey looked out at the door and beckoned me in . 'Oh ! ' said Mr. jorkins . 'Mr . Tiffey and myself , Mr. Copperfield , are about to examine the desks , the drawers , and other such repositories of the deceased , with the view of sealing up his private papers , and searching for a Will . There is no trace of any , elsewhere . It may be as well for you to assist us , if you please . ' I had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances in which my Dora would be placed -- as , in whose guardianship , and so forth -- and this was something towards it . We began the search at once ; Mr. jorkins unlocking the drawers and desks , and we all taking out the papers . The office-papers we placed on one side , and the private papers ( which were not numerous ) on the other . We were very grave ; and when we came to a stray seal , or pencil-case , or ring , or any little article of that kind which we associated personally with him , we spoke very low . We had sealed up several packets ; and were still going on dustily and quietly , when Mr. jorkins said to us , applying exactly the same words to his late partner as his late partner had applied to him : 'Mr . Spenlow was very difficult to move from the beaten track . You know what he was ! I am disposed to think he had made no will . ' 'Oh , I know he had ! ' said I . They both stopped and looked at me . 'On the very day when I last saw him , ' said I , 'he told me that he had , and that his affairs were long since settled . ' Mr. jorkins and old Tiffey shook their heads with one accord . 'That looks unpromising , ' said Tiffey . 'Very unpromising , ' said Mr. jorkins . 'Surely you do n't doubt -- ' I began . 'My good Mr . Copperfield ! ' said Tiffey , laying his hand upon my arm , and shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head : 'if you had been in the Commons as long as I have , you would know that there is no subject on which men are so inconsistent , and so little to be trusted . ' 'Why , bless my soul , he made that very remark ! ' I replied persistently . 'I should call that almost final , ' observed Tiffey . 'My opinion is -- no will . ' It appeared a wonderful thing to me , but it turned out that there was no will . He had never so much as thought of making one , so far as his papers afforded any evidence ; for there was no kind of hint , sketch , or memorandum , of any testamentary intention whatever . What was scarcely less astonishing to me , was , that his affairs were in a most disordered state . It was extremely difficult , I heard , to make out what he owed , or what he had paid , or of what he died possessed . It was considered likely that for years he could have had no clear opinion on these subjects himself . By little and little it came out , that , in the competition on all points of appearance and gentility then running high in the Commons , he had spent more than his professional income , which was not a very large one , and had reduced his private means , if they ever had been great ( which was exceedingly doubtful ) , to a very low ebb indeed . There was a sale of the furniture and lease , at Norwood ; and Tiffey told me , little thinking how interested I was in the story , that , paying all the just debts of the deceased , and deducting his share of outstanding bad and doubtful debts due to the firm , he would n't give a thousand pounds for all the assets remaining . This was at the expiration of about six weeks . I had suffered tortures all the time ; and thought I really must have laid violent hands upon myself , when Miss Mills still reported to me , that my broken-hearted little Dora would say nothing , when I was mentioned , but 'Oh , poor papa ! Oh , dear papa ! ' Also , that she had no other relations than two aunts , maiden sisters of Mr. Spenlow , who lived at Putney , and who had not held any other than chance communication with their brother for many years . Not that they had ever quarrelled ( Miss Mills informed me ) ; but that having been , on the occasion of Dora 's christening , invited to tea , when they considered themselves privileged to be invited to dinner , they had expressed their opinion in writing , that it was 'better for the happiness of all parties ' that they should stay away . Since which they had gone their road , and their brother had gone his . These two ladies now emerged from their retirement , and proposed to take Dora to live at Putney . Dora , clinging to them both , and weeping , exclaimed , 'O yes , aunts ! Please take Julia Mills and me and Jip to Putney ! ' So they went , very soon after the funeral . How I found time to haunt Putney , I am sure I do n't know ; but I contrived , by some means or other , to prowl about the neighbourhood pretty often . Miss Mills , for the more exact discharge of the duties of friendship , kept a journal ; and she used to meet me sometimes , on the Common , and read it , or ( if she had not time to do that ) lend it to me . How I treasured up the entries , of which I subjoin a sample -- ! 'Monday . My sweet D. still much depressed . Headache . Called attention to J. as being beautifully sleek . D. fondled J . Associations thus awakened , opened floodgates of sorrow . Rush of grief admitted . ( Are tears the dewdrops of the heart ? J. M. ) 'Tuesday . D. weak and nervous . Beautiful in pallor . ( Do we not remark this in moon likewise ? J. M. ) D. , J. M. and J. took airing in carriage . J. looking out of window , and barking violently at dustman , occasioned smile to overspread features of D. ( Of such slight links is chain of life composed ! J. M. ) 'Wednesday . D. comparatively cheerful . Sang to her , as congenial melody , '' Evening Bells '' . Effect not soothing , but reverse . D. inexpressibly affected . Found sobbing afterwards , in own room . Quoted verses respecting self and young Gazelle . Ineffectually . Also referred to Patience on Monument . ( Qy . Why on monument ? J. M. ) 'Thursday . D. certainly improved . Better night . Slight tinge of damask revisiting cheek . Resolved to mention name of D. C. Introduced same , cautiously , in course of airing . D. immediately overcome . `` Oh , dear , dear Julia ! Oh , I have been a naughty and undutiful child ! '' Soothed and caressed . Drew ideal picture of D. C. on verge of tomb . D. again overcome . `` Oh , what shall I do , what shall I do ? Oh , take me somewhere ! '' Much alarmed . Fainting of D. and glass of water from public-house . ( Poetical affinity . Chequered sign on door-post ; chequered human life . Alas ! J. M. ) 'Friday . Day of incident . Man appears in kitchen , with blue bag , `` for lady 's boots left out to heel '' . Cook replies , `` No such orders . '' Man argues point . Cook withdraws to inquire , leaving man alone with J . On Cook 's return , man still argues point , but ultimately goes . J. missing . D. distracted . Information sent to police . Man to be identified by broad nose , and legs like balustrades of bridge . Search made in every direction . No J. D. weeping bitterly , and inconsolable . Renewed reference to young Gazelle . Appropriate , but unavailing . Towards evening , strange boy calls . Brought into parlour . Broad nose , but no balustrades . Says he wants a pound , and knows a dog . Declines to explain further , though much pressed . Pound being produced by D. takes Cook to little house , where J. alone tied up to leg of table . Joy of D. who dances round J. while he eats his supper . Emboldened by this happy change , mention D. C. upstairs . D. weeps afresh , cries piteously , `` Oh , do n't , do n't , do n't ! It is so wicked to think of anything but poor papa ! '' -- embraces J. and sobs herself to sleep . ( Must not D. C. confine himself to the broad pinions of Time ? J. M. ) ' Miss Mills and her journal were my sole consolation at this period . To see her , who had seen Dora but a little while before -- to trace the initial letter of Dora 's name through her sympathetic pages -- to be made more and more miserable by her -- were my only comforts . I felt as if I had been living in a palace of cards , which had tumbled down , leaving only Miss Mills and me among the ruins ; I felt as if some grim enchanter had drawn a magic circle round the innocent goddess of my heart , which nothing indeed but those same strong pinions , capable of carrying so many people over so much , would enable me to enter ! CHAPTER 39 . WICKFIELD AND HEEP My aunt , beginning , I imagine , to be made seriously uncomfortable by my prolonged dejection , made a pretence of being anxious that I should go to Dover , to see that all was working well at the cottage , which was let ; and to conclude an agreement , with the same tenant , for a longer term of occupation . Janet was drafted into the service of Mrs. Strong , where I saw her every day . She had been undecided , on leaving Dover , whether or no to give the finishing touch to that renunciation of mankind in which she had been educated , by marrying a pilot ; but she decided against that venture . Not so much for the sake of principle , I believe , as because she happened not to like him . Although it required an effort to leave Miss Mills , I fell rather willingly into my aunt 's pretence , as a means of enabling me to pass a few tranquil hours with Agnes . I consulted the good Doctor relative to an absence of three days ; and the Doctor wishing me to take that relaxation , -- he wished me to take more ; but my energy could not bear that , -- I made up my mind to go . As to the Commons , I had no great occasion to be particular about my duties in that quarter . To say the truth , we were getting in no very good odour among the tip-top proctors , and were rapidly sliding down to but a doubtful position . The business had been indifferent under Mr. jorkins , before Mr. Spenlow 's time ; and although it had been quickened by the infusion of new blood , and by the display which Mr. Spenlow made , still it was not established on a sufficiently strong basis to bear , without being shaken , such a blow as the sudden loss of its active manager . It fell off very much . Mr. jorkins , notwithstanding his reputation in the firm , was an easy-going , incapable sort of man , whose reputation out of doors was not calculated to back it up . I was turned over to him now , and when I saw him take his snuff and let the business go , I regretted my aunt 's thousand pounds more than ever . But this was not the worst of it . There were a number of hangers-on and outsiders about the Commons , who , without being proctors themselves , dabbled in common-form business , and got it done by real proctors , who lent their names in consideration of a share in the spoil ; -- and there were a good many of these too . As our house now wanted business on any terms , we joined this noble band ; and threw out lures to the hangers-on and outsiders , to bring their business to us . Marriage licences and small probates were what we all looked for , and what paid us best ; and the competition for these ran very high indeed . Kidnappers and inveiglers were planted in all the avenues of entrance to the Commons , with instructions to do their utmost to cut off all persons in mourning , and all gentlemen with anything bashful in their appearance , and entice them to the offices in which their respective employers were interested ; which instructions were so well observed , that I myself , before I was known by sight , was twice hustled into the premises of our principal opponent . The conflicting interests of these touting gentlemen being of a nature to irritate their feelings , personal collisions took place ; and the Commons was even scandalized by our principal inveigler ( who had formerly been in the wine trade , and afterwards in the sworn brokery line ) walking about for some days with a black eye . Any one of these scouts used to think nothing of politely assisting an old lady in black out of a vehicle , killing any proctor whom she inquired for , representing his employer as the lawful successor and representative of that proctor , and bearing the old lady off ( sometimes greatly affected ) to his employer 's office . Many captives were brought to me in this way . As to marriage licences , the competition rose to such a pitch , that a shy gentleman in want of one , had nothing to do but submit himself to the first inveigler , or be fought for , and become the prey of the strongest . One of our clerks , who was an outsider , used , in the height of this contest , to sit with his hat on , that he might be ready to rush out and swear before a surrogate any victim who was brought in . The system of inveigling continues , I believe , to this day . The last time I was in the Commons , a civil able-bodied person in a white apron pounced out upon me from a doorway , and whispering the word 'Marriage-licence' in my ear , was with great difficulty prevented from taking me up in his arms and lifting me into a proctor 's . From this digression , let me proceed to Dover . I found everything in a satisfactory state at the cottage ; and was enabled to gratify my aunt exceedingly by reporting that the tenant inherited her feud , and waged incessant war against donkeys . Having settled the little business I had to transact there , and slept there one night , I walked on to Canterbury early in the morning . It was now winter again ; and the fresh , cold windy day , and the sweeping downland , brightened up my hopes a little . Coming into Canterbury , I loitered through the old streets with a sober pleasure that calmed my spirits , and eased my heart . There were the old signs , the old names over the shops , the old people serving in them . It appeared so long , since I had been a schoolboy there , that I wondered the place was so little changed , until I reflected how little I was changed myself . Strange to say , that quiet influence which was inseparable in my mind from Agnes , seemed to pervade even the city where she dwelt . The venerable cathedral towers , and the old jackdaws and rooks whose airy voices made them more retired than perfect silence would have done ; the battered gateways , one stuck full with statues , long thrown down , and crumbled away , like the reverential pilgrims who had gazed upon them ; the still nooks , where the ivied growth of centuries crept over gabled ends and ruined walls ; the ancient houses , the pastoral landscape of field , orchard , and garden ; everywhere -- on everything -- I felt the same serener air , the same calm , thoughtful , softening spirit . Arrived at Mr. Wickfield 's house , I found , in the little lower room on the ground floor , where Uriah Heep had been of old accustomed to sit , Mr. Micawber plying his pen with great assiduity . He was dressed in a legal-looking suit of black , and loomed , burly and large , in that small office . Mr. Micawber was extremely glad to see me , but a little confused too . He would have conducted me immediately into the presence of Uriah , but I declined . 'I know the house of old , you recollect , ' said I , 'and will find my way upstairs . How do you like the law , Mr . Micawber ? ' 'My dear Copperfield , ' he replied . 'To a man possessed of the higher imaginative powers , the objection to legal studies is the amount of detail which they involve . Even in our professional correspondence , ' said Mr. Micawber , glancing at some letters he was writing , 'the mind is not at liberty to soar to any exalted form of expression . Still , it is a great pursuit . A great pursuit ! ' He then told me that he had become the tenant of Uriah Heep 's old house ; and that Mrs. Micawber would be delighted to receive me , once more , under her own roof . 'It is humble , ' said Mr. Micawber , ' -- to quote a favourite expression of my friend Heep ; but it may prove the stepping-stone to more ambitious domiciliary accommodation . ' I asked him whether he had reason , so far , to be satisfied with his friend Heep 's treatment of him ? He got up to ascertain if the door were close shut , before he replied , in a lower voice : 'My dear Copperfield , a man who labours under the pressure of pecuniary embarrassments , is , with the generality of people , at a disadvantage . That disadvantage is not diminished , when that pressure necessitates the drawing of stipendiary emoluments , before those emoluments are strictly due and payable . All I can say is , that my friend Heep has responded to appeals to which I need not more particularly refer , in a manner calculated to redound equally to the honour of his head , and of his heart . ' 'I should not have supposed him to be very free with his money either , ' I observed . 'Pardon me ! ' said Mr. Micawber , with an air of constraint , 'I speak of my friend Heep as I have experience . ' 'I am glad your experience is so favourable , ' I returned . 'You are very obliging , my dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber ; and hummed a tune . 'Do you see much of Mr . Wickfield ? ' I asked , to change the subject . 'Not much , ' said Mr. Micawber , slightingly . 'Mr . Wickfield is , I dare say , a man of very excellent intentions ; but he is -- in short , he is obsolete . ' 'I am afraid his partner seeks to make him so , ' said I . 'My dear Copperfield ! ' returned Mr. Micawber , after some uneasy evolutions on his stool , 'allow me to offer a remark ! I am here , in a capacity of confidence . I am here , in a position of trust . The discussion of some topics , even with Mrs. Micawber herself ( so long the partner of my various vicissitudes , and a woman of a remarkable lucidity of intellect ) , is , I am led to consider , incompatible with the functions now devolving on me . I would therefore take the liberty of suggesting that in our friendly intercourse -- which I trust will never be disturbed ! -- we draw a line . On one side of this line , ' said Mr. Micawber , representing it on the desk with the office ruler , 'is the whole range of the human intellect , with a trifling exception ; on the other , IS that exception ; that is to say , the affairs of Messrs Wickfield and Heep , with all belonging and appertaining thereunto . I trust I give no offence to the companion of my youth , in submitting this proposition to his cooler judgement ? ' Though I saw an uneasy change in Mr. Micawber , which sat tightly on him , as if his new duties were a misfit , I felt I had no right to be offended . My telling him so , appeared to relieve him ; and he shook hands with me . 'I am charmed , Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'let me assure you , with Miss Wickfield . She is a very superior young lady , of very remarkable attractions , graces , and virtues . Upon my honour , ' said Mr. Micawber , indefinitely kissing his hand and bowing with his genteelest air , 'I do Homage to Miss Wickfield ! Hem ! ' 'I am glad of that , at least , ' said I . 'If you had not assured us , my dear Copperfield , on the occasion of that agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with you , that D. was your favourite letter , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'I should unquestionably have supposed that A. had been so . ' We have all some experience of a feeling , that comes over us occasionally , of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before , in a remote time -- of our having been surrounded , dim ages ago , by the same faces , objects , and circumstances -- of our knowing perfectly what will be said next , as if we suddenly remembered it ! I never had this mysterious impression more strongly in my life , than before he uttered those words . I took my leave of Mr. Micawber , for the time , charging him with my best remembrances to all at home . As I left him , resuming his stool and his pen , and rolling his head in his stock , to get it into easier writing order , I clearly perceived that there was something interposed between him and me , since he had come into his new functions , which prevented our getting at each other as we used to do , and quite altered the character of our intercourse . There was no one in the quaint old drawing-room , though it presented tokens of Mrs. Heep 's whereabouts . I looked into the room still belonging to Agnes , and saw her sitting by the fire , at a pretty old-fashioned desk she had , writing . My darkening the light made her look up . What a pleasure to be the cause of that bright change in her attentive face , and the object of that sweet regard and welcome ! 'Ah , Agnes ! ' said I , when we were sitting together , side by side ; 'I have missed you so much , lately ! ' 'Indeed ? ' she replied . 'Again ! And so soon ? ' I shook my head . 'I do n't know how it is , Agnes ; I seem to want some faculty of mind that I ought to have . You were so much in the habit of thinking for me , in the happy old days here , and I came so naturally to you for counsel and support , that I really think I have missed acquiring it . ' 'And what is it ? ' said Agnes , cheerfully . 'I do n't know what to call it , ' I replied . 'I think I am earnest and persevering ? ' 'I am sure of it , ' said Agnes . 'And patient , Agnes ? ' I inquired , with a little hesitation . 'Yes , ' returned Agnes , laughing . 'Pretty well . ' 'And yet , ' said I , 'I get so miserable and worried , and am so unsteady and irresolute in my power of assuring myself , that I know I must want -- shall I call it -- reliance , of some kind ? ' 'Call it so , if you will , ' said Agnes . 'Well ! ' I returned . 'See here ! You come to London , I rely on you , and I have an object and a course at once . I am driven out of it , I come here , and in a moment I feel an altered person . The circumstances that distressed me are not changed , since I came into this room ; but an influence comes over me in that short interval that alters me , oh , how much for the better ! What is it ? What is your secret , Agnes ? ' Her head was bent down , looking at the fire . 'It 's the old story , ' said I . 'Do n't laugh , when I say it was always the same in little things as it is in greater ones . My old troubles were nonsense , and now they are serious ; but whenever I have gone away from my adopted sister -- ' Agnes looked up -- with such a Heavenly face ! -- and gave me her hand , which I kissed . 'Whenever I have not had you , Agnes , to advise and approve in the beginning , I have seemed to go wild , and to get into all sorts of difficulty . When I have come to you , at last ( as I have always done ) , I have come to peace and happiness . I come home , now , like a tired traveller , and find such a blessed sense of rest ! ' I felt so deeply what I said , it affected me so sincerely , that my voice failed , and I covered my face with my hand , and broke into tears . I write the truth . Whatever contradictions and inconsistencies there were within me , as there are within so many of us ; whatever might have been so different , and so much better ; whatever I had done , in which I had perversely wandered away from the voice of my own heart ; I knew nothing of . I only knew that I was fervently in earnest , when I felt the rest and peace of having Agnes near me . In her placid sisterly manner ; with her beaming eyes ; with her tender voice ; and with that sweet composure , which had long ago made the house that held her quite a sacred place to me ; she soon won me from this weakness , and led me on to tell all that had happened since our last meeting . 'And there is not another word to tell , Agnes , ' said I , when I had made an end of my confidence . 'Now , my reliance is on you . ' 'But it must not be on me , Trotwood , ' returned Agnes , with a pleasant smile . 'It must be on someone else . ' 'On Dora ? ' said I . 'Assuredly . ' 'Why , I have not mentioned , Agnes , ' said I , a little embarrassed , 'that Dora is rather difficult to -- I would not , for the world , say , to rely upon , because she is the soul of purity and truth -- but rather difficult to -- I hardly know how to express it , really , Agnes . She is a timid little thing , and easily disturbed and frightened . Some time ago , before her father 's death , when I thought it right to mention to her -- but I'll tell you , if you will bear with me , how it was . ' Accordingly , I told Agnes about my declaration of poverty , about the cookery-book , the housekeeping accounts , and all the rest of it . 'Oh , Trotwood ! ' she remonstrated , with a smile . 'Just your old headlong way ! You might have been in earnest in striving to get on in the world , without being so very sudden with a timid , loving , inexperienced girl . Poor Dora ! ' I never heard such sweet forbearing kindness expressed in a voice , as she expressed in making this reply . It was as if I had seen her admiringly and tenderly embracing Dora , and tacitly reproving me , by her considerate protection , for my hot haste in fluttering that little heart . It was as if I had seen Dora , in all her fascinating artlessness , caressing Agnes , and thanking her , and coaxingly appealing against me , and loving me with all her childish innocence . I felt so grateful to Agnes , and admired her so ! I saw those two together , in a bright perspective , such well-associated friends , each adorning the other so much ! 'What ought I to do then , Agnes ? ' I inquired , after looking at the fire a little while . 'What would it be right to do ? ' 'I think , ' said Agnes , 'that the honourable course to take , would be to write to those two ladies . Do n't you think that any secret course is an unworthy one ? ' 'Yes . If YOU think so , ' said I . 'I am poorly qualified to judge of such matters , ' replied Agnes , with a modest hesitation , 'but I certainly feel -- in short , I feel that your being secret and clandestine , is not being like yourself . ' 'Like myself , in the too high opinion you have of me , Agnes , I am afraid , ' said I . 'Like yourself , in the candour of your nature , ' she returned ; 'and therefore I would write to those two ladies . I would relate , as plainly and as openly as possible , all that has taken place ; and I would ask their permission to visit sometimes , at their house . Considering that you are young , and striving for a place in life , I think it would be well to say that you would readily abide by any conditions they might impose upon you . I would entreat them not to dismiss your request , without a reference to Dora ; and to discuss it with her when they should think the time suitable . I would not be too vehement , ' said Agnes , gently , 'or propose too much . I would trust to my fidelity and perseverance -- and to Dora . ' 'But if they were to frighten Dora again , Agnes , by speaking to her , ' said I . 'And if Dora were to cry , and say nothing about me ! ' 'Is that likely ? ' inquired Agnes , with the same sweet consideration in her face . 'God bless her , she is as easily scared as a bird , ' said I . 'It might be ! Or if the two Miss Spenlows ( elderly ladies of that sort are odd characters sometimes ) should not be likely persons to address in that way ! ' 'I do n't think , Trotwood , ' returned Agnes , raising her soft eyes to mine , 'I would consider that . Perhaps it would be better only to consider whether it is right to do this ; and , if it is , to do it . ' I had no longer any doubt on the subject . With a lightened heart , though with a profound sense of the weighty importance of my task , I devoted the whole afternoon to the composition of the draft of this letter ; for which great purpose , Agnes relinquished her desk to me . But first I went downstairs to see Mr. Wickfield and Uriah Heep . I found Uriah in possession of a new , plaster-smelling office , built out in the garden ; looking extraordinarily mean , in the midst of a quantity of books and papers . He received me in his usual fawning way , and pretended not to have heard of my arrival from Mr. Micawber ; a pretence I took the liberty of disbelieving . He accompanied me into Mr. Wickfield 's room , which was the shadow of its former self -- having been divested of a variety of conveniences , for the accommodation of the new partner -- and stood before the fire , warming his back , and shaving his chin with his bony hand , while Mr. Wickfield and I exchanged greetings . 'You stay with us , Trotwood , while you remain in Canterbury ? ' said Mr. Wickfield , not without a glance at Uriah for his approval . 'Is there room for me ? ' said I . 'I am sure , Master Copperfield -- I should say Mister , but the other comes so natural , ' said Uriah , -- 'I would turn out of your old room with pleasure , if it would be agreeable . ' 'No , no , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'Why should you be inconvenienced ? There's another room . There 's another room . ' 'Oh , but you know , ' returned Uriah , with a grin , 'I should really be delighted ! ' To cut the matter short , I said I would have the other room or none at all ; so it was settled that I should have the other room ; and , taking my leave of the firm until dinner , I went upstairs again . I had hoped to have no other companion than Agnes . But Mrs. Heep had asked permission to bring herself and her knitting near the fire , in that room ; on pretence of its having an aspect more favourable for her rheumatics , as the wind then was , than the drawing-room or dining-parlour . Though I could almost have consigned her to the mercies of the wind on the topmost pinnacle of the Cathedral , without remorse , I made a virtue of necessity , and gave her a friendly salutation . 'I 'm umbly thankful to you , sir , ' said Mrs. Heep , in acknowledgement of my inquiries concerning her health , 'but I 'm only pretty well . I haven't much to boast of . If I could see my Uriah well settled in life , I could n't expect much more I think . How do you think my Ury looking , sir ? ' I thought him looking as villainous as ever , and I replied that I saw no change in him . 'Oh , do n't you think he 's changed ? ' said Mrs. Heep . 'There I must umbly beg leave to differ from you . Do n't you see a thinness in him ? ' 'Not more than usual , ' I replied . 'Do n't you though ! ' said Mrs. Heep . 'But you do n't take notice of him with a mother 's eye ! ' His mother 's eye was an evil eye to the rest of the world , I thought as it met mine , howsoever affectionate to him ; and I believe she and her son were devoted to one another . It passed me , and went on to Agnes . 'Do n't YOU see a wasting and a wearing in him , Miss Wickfield ? ' inquired Mrs. Heep . 'No , ' said Agnes , quietly pursuing the work on which she was engaged . 'You are too solicitous about him . He is very well . ' Mrs. Heep , with a prodigious sniff , resumed her knitting . She never left off , or left us for a moment . I had arrived early in the day , and we had still three or four hours before dinner ; but she sat there , plying her knitting-needles as monotonously as an hour-glass might have poured out its sands . She sat on one side of the fire ; I sat at the desk in front of it ; a little beyond me , on the other side , sat Agnes . Whensoever , slowly pondering over my letter , I lifted up my eyes , and meeting the thoughtful face of Agnes , saw it clear , and beam encouragement upon me , with its own angelic expression , I was conscious presently of the evil eye passing me , and going on to her , and coming back to me again , and dropping furtively upon the knitting . What the knitting was , I do n't know , not being learned in that art ; but it looked like a net ; and as she worked away with those Chinese chopsticks of knitting-needles , she showed in the firelight like an ill-looking enchantress , baulked as yet by the radiant goodness opposite , but getting ready for a cast of her net by and by . At dinner she maintained her watch , with the same unwinking eyes . After dinner , her son took his turn ; and when Mr. Wickfield , himself , and I were left alone together , leered at me , and writhed until I could hardly bear it . In the drawing-room , there was the mother knitting and watching again . All the time that Agnes sang and played , the mother sat at the piano . Once she asked for a particular ballad , which she said her Ury ( who was yawning in a great chair ) doted on ; and at intervals she looked round at him , and reported to Agnes that he was in raptures with the music . But she hardly ever spoke -- I question if she ever did -- without making some mention of him . It was evident to me that this was the duty assigned to her . This lasted until bedtime . To have seen the mother and son , like two great bats hanging over the whole house , and darkening it with their ugly forms , made me so uncomfortable , that I would rather have remained downstairs , knitting and all , than gone to bed . I hardly got any sleep . Next day the knitting and watching began again , and lasted all day . I had not an opportunity of speaking to Agnes , for ten minutes . I could barely show her my letter . I proposed to her to walk out with me ; but Mrs. Heep repeatedly complaining that she was worse , Agnes charitably remained within , to bear her company . Towards the twilight I went out by myself , musing on what I ought to do , and whether I was justified in withholding from Agnes , any longer , what Uriah Heep had told me in London ; for that began to trouble me again , very much . I had not walked out far enough to be quite clear of the town , upon the Ramsgate road , where there was a good path , when I was hailed , through the dust , by somebody behind me . The shambling figure , and the scanty great-coat , were not to be mistaken . I stopped , and Uriah Heep came up . 'Well ? ' said I . 'How fast you walk ! ' said he . 'My legs are pretty long , but you 've given 'em quite a job . ' 'Where are you going ? ' said I . 'I am going with you , Master Copperfield , if you 'll allow me the pleasure of a walk with an old acquaintance . ' Saying this , with a jerk of his body , which might have been either propitiatory or derisive , he fell into step beside me . 'Uriah ! ' said I , as civilly as I could , after a silence . 'Master Copperfield ! ' said Uriah . 'To tell you the truth ( at which you will not be offended ) , I came Out to walk alone , because I have had so much company . ' He looked at me sideways , and said with his hardest grin , 'You mean mother . ' 'Why yes , I do , ' said I . 'Ah ! But you know we 're so very umble , ' he returned . 'And having such a knowledge of our own umbleness , we must really take care that we 're not pushed to the wall by them as is n't umble . All stratagems are fair in love , sir . ' Raising his great hands until they touched his chin , he rubbed them softly , and softly chuckled ; looking as like a malevolent baboon , I thought , as anything human could look . 'You see , ' he said , still hugging himself in that unpleasant way , and shaking his head at me , 'you 're quite a dangerous rival , Master Copperfield . You always was , you know . ' 'Do you set a watch upon Miss Wickfield , and make her home no home , because of me ? ' said I . 'Oh ! Master Copperfield ! Those are very arsh words , ' he replied . 'Put my meaning into any words you like , ' said I . 'You know what it is , Uriah , as well as I do . ' 'Oh no ! You must put it into words , ' he said . 'Oh , really ! I couldn't myself . ' 'Do you suppose , ' said I , constraining myself to be very temperate and quiet with him , on account of Agnes , 'that I regard Miss Wickfield otherwise than as a very dear sister ? ' 'Well , Master Copperfield , ' he replied , 'you perceive I am not bound to answer that question . You may not , you know . But then , you see , you may ! ' Anything to equal the low cunning of his visage , and of his shadowless eyes without the ghost of an eyelash , I never saw . 'Come then ! ' said I . 'For the sake of Miss Wickfield -- ' 'My Agnes ! ' he exclaimed , with a sickly , angular contortion of himself . 'Would you be so good as call her Agnes , Master Copperfield ! ' 'For the sake of Agnes Wickfield -- Heaven bless her ! ' 'Thank you for that blessing , Master Copperfield ! 'he interposed . 'I will tell you what I should , under any other circumstances , as soon have thought of telling to -- Jack Ketch . ' 'To who , sir ? ' said Uriah , stretching out his neck , and shading his ear with his hand . 'To the hangman , ' I returned . 'The most unlikely person I could think of , ' -- though his own face had suggested the allusion quite as a natural sequence . 'I am engaged to another young lady . I hope that contents you . ' 'Upon your soul ? ' said Uriah . I was about indignantly to give my assertion the confirmation he required , when he caught hold of my hand , and gave it a squeeze . 'Oh , Master Copperfield ! ' he said . 'If you had only had the condescension to return my confidence when I poured out the fulness of my art , the night I put you so much out of the way by sleeping before your sitting-room fire , I never should have doubted you . As it is , I'm sure I 'll take off mother directly , and only too appy . I know you'll excuse the precautions of affection , wo n't you ? What a pity , Master Copperfield , that you did n't condescend to return my confidence ! I'm sure I gave you every opportunity . But you never have condescended to me , as much as I could have wished . I know you have never liked me , as I have liked you ! ' All this time he was squeezing my hand with his damp fishy fingers , while I made every effort I decently could to get it away . But I was quite unsuccessful . He drew it under the sleeve of his mulberry-coloured great-coat , and I walked on , almost upon compulsion , arm-in-arm with him . 'Shall we turn ? ' said Uriah , by and by wheeling me face about towards the town , on which the early moon was now shining , silvering the distant windows . 'Before we leave the subject , you ought to understand , ' said I , breaking a pretty long silence , 'that I believe Agnes Wickfield to be as far above you , and as far removed from all your aspirations , as that moon herself ! ' 'Peaceful ! Ai n't she ! ' said Uriah . 'Very ! Now confess , Master Copperfield , that you have n't liked me quite as I have liked you . All along you 've thought me too umble now , I should n't wonder ? ' 'I am not fond of professions of humility , ' I returned , 'or professions of anything else . ' 'There now ! ' said Uriah , looking flabby and lead-coloured in the moonlight . 'Did n't I know it ! But how little you think of the rightful umbleness of a person in my station , Master Copperfield ! Father and me was both brought up at a foundation school for boys ; and mother , she was likewise brought up at a public , sort of charitable , establishment . They taught us all a deal of umbleness -- not much else that I know of , from morning to night . We was to be umble to this person , and umble to that ; and to pull off our caps here , and to make bows there ; and always to know our place , and abase ourselves before our betters . And we had such a lot of betters ! Father got the monitor-medal by being umble . So did I . Father got made a sexton by being umble . He had the character , among the gentlefolks , of being such a well-behaved man , that they were determined to bring him in . `` Be umble , Uriah , '' says father to me , `` and you 'll get on . It was what was always being dinned into you and me at school ; it 's what goes down best . Be umble , '' says father , `` and you 'll do ! '' And really it ai n't done bad ! ' It was the first time it had ever occurred to me , that this detestable cant of false humility might have originated out of the Heep family . I had seen the harvest , but had never thought of the seed . 'When I was quite a young boy , ' said Uriah , 'I got to know what umbleness did , and I took to it . I ate umble pie with an appetite . I stopped at the umble point of my learning , and says I , `` Hold hard ! '' When you offered to teach me Latin , I knew better . `` People like to be above you , '' says father , `` keep yourself down . '' I am very umble to the present moment , Master Copperfield , but I 've got a little power ! ' And he said all this -- I knew , as I saw his face in the moonlight -- that I might understand he was resolved to recompense himself by using his power . I had never doubted his meanness , his craft and malice ; but I fully comprehended now , for the first time , what a base , unrelenting , and revengeful spirit , must have been engendered by this early , and this long , suppression . His account of himself was so far attended with an agreeable result , that it led to his withdrawing his hand in order that he might have another hug of himself under the chin . Once apart from him , I was determined to keep apart ; and we walked back , side by side , saying very little more by the way . Whether his spirits were elevated by the communication I had made to him , or by his having indulged in this retrospect , I do n't know ; but they were raised by some influence . He talked more at dinner than was usual with him ; asked his mother ( off duty , from the moment of our re-entering the house ) whether he was not growing too old for a bachelor ; and once looked at Agnes so , that I would have given all I had , for leave to knock him down . When we three males were left alone after dinner , he got into a more adventurous state . He had taken little or no wine ; and I presume it was the mere insolence of triumph that was upon him , flushed perhaps by the temptation my presence furnished to its exhibition . I had observed yesterday , that he tried to entice Mr. Wickfield to drink ; and , interpreting the look which Agnes had given me as she went out , had limited myself to one glass , and then proposed that we should follow her . I would have done so again today ; but Uriah was too quick for me . 'We seldom see our present visitor , sir , ' he said , addressing Mr. Wickfield , sitting , such a contrast to him , at the end of the table , 'and I should propose to give him welcome in another glass or two of wine , if you have no objections . Mr. Copperfield , your elth and appiness ! ' I was obliged to make a show of taking the hand he stretched across to me ; and then , with very different emotions , I took the hand of the broken gentleman , his partner . 'Come , fellow-partner , ' said Uriah , 'if I may take the liberty , -- now , suppose you give us something or another appropriate to Copperfield ! ' I pass over Mr. Wickfield 's proposing my aunt , his proposing Mr. Dick , his proposing Doctors ' Commons , his proposing Uriah , his drinking everything twice ; his consciousness of his own weakness , the ineffectual effort that he made against it ; the struggle between his shame in Uriah 's deportment , and his desire to conciliate him ; the manifest exultation with which Uriah twisted and turned , and held him up before me . It made me sick at heart to see , and my hand recoils from writing it . 'Come , fellow-partner ! ' said Uriah , at last , 'I 'll give you another one , and I umbly ask for bumpers , seeing I intend to make it the divinest of her sex . ' Her father had his empty glass in his hand . I saw him set it down , look at the picture she was so like , put his hand to his forehead , and shrink back in his elbow-chair . 'I 'm an umble individual to give you her elth , ' proceeded Uriah , 'but I admire -- adore her . ' No physical pain that her father 's grey head could have borne , I think , could have been more terrible to me , than the mental endurance I saw compressed now within both his hands . 'Agnes , ' said Uriah , either not regarding him , or not knowing what the nature of his action was , 'Agnes Wickfield is , I am safe to say , the divinest of her sex . May I speak out , among friends ? To be her father is a proud distinction , but to be her usband -- ' Spare me from ever again hearing such a cry , as that with which her father rose up from the table ! 'What 's the matter ? ' said Uriah , turning of a deadly colour . 'You are not gone mad , after all , Mr. Wickfield , I hope ? If I say I 've an ambition to make your Agnes my Agnes , I have as good a right to it as another man . I have a better right to it than any other man ! ' I had my arms round Mr. Wickfield , imploring him by everything that I could think of , oftenest of all by his love for Agnes , to calm himself a little . He was mad for the moment ; tearing out his hair , beating his head , trying to force me from him , and to force himself from me , not answering a word , not looking at or seeing anyone ; blindly striving for he knew not what , his face all staring and distorted -- a frightful spectacle . I conjured him , incoherently , but in the most impassioned manner , not to abandon himself to this wildness , but to hear me . I besought him to think of Agnes , to connect me with Agnes , to recollect how Agnes and I had grown up together , how I honoured her and loved her , how she was his pride and joy . I tried to bring her idea before him in any form ; I even reproached him with not having firmness to spare her the knowledge of such a scene as this . I may have effected something , or his wildness may have spent itself ; but by degrees he struggled less , and began to look at me -- strangely at first , then with recognition in his eyes . At length he said , 'I know , Trotwood ! My darling child and you -- I know ! But look at him ! ' He pointed to Uriah , pale and glowering in a corner , evidently very much out in his calculations , and taken by surprise . 'Look at my torturer , ' he replied . 'Before him I have step by step abandoned name and reputation , peace and quiet , house and home . ' 'I have kept your name and reputation for you , and your peace and quiet , and your house and home too , ' said Uriah , with a sulky , hurried , defeated air of compromise . 'Do n't be foolish , Mr. Wickfield . If I have gone a little beyond what you were prepared for , I can go back , I suppose ? There 's no harm done . ' 'I looked for single motives in everyone , ' said Mr. Wickfield , and I was satisfied I had bound him to me by motives of interest . But see what he is -- oh , see what he is ! ' 'You had better stop him , Copperfield , if you can , ' cried Uriah , with his long forefinger pointing towards me . 'He 'll say something presently -- mind you ! -- he 'll be sorry to have said afterwards , and you'll be sorry to have heard ! ' 'I 'll say anything ! ' cried Mr. Wickfield , with a desperate air . 'Why should I not be in all the world 's power if I am in yours ? ' 'Mind ! I tell you ! ' said Uriah , continuing to warn me . 'If you don't stop his mouth , you 're not his friend ! Why should n't you be in all the world 's power , Mr. Wickfield ? Because you have got a daughter . You and me know what we know , do n't we ? Let sleeping dogs lie -- who wants to rouse 'em ? I do n't . Ca n't you see I am as umble as I can be ? I tell you , if I 've gone too far , I 'm sorry . What would you have , sir ? ' 'Oh , Trotwood , Trotwood ! 'exclaimed Mr. Wickfield , wringing his hands . 'What I have come down to be , since I first saw you in this house ! I was on my downward way then , but the dreary , dreary road I have traversed since ! Weak indulgence has ruined me . Indulgence in remembrance , and indulgence in forgetfulness . My natural grief for my child 's mother turned to disease ; my natural love for my child turned to disease . I have infected everything I touched . I have brought misery on what I dearly love , I know -- you know ! I thought it possible that I could truly love one creature in the world , and not love the rest ; I thought it possible that I could truly mourn for one creature gone out of the world , and not have some part in the grief of all who mourned . Thus the lessons of my life have been perverted ! I have preyed on my own morbid coward heart , and it has preyed on me . Sordid in my grief , sordid in my love , sordid in my miserable escape from the darker side of both , oh see the ruin I am , and hate me , shun me ! ' He dropped into a chair , and weakly sobbed . The excitement into which he had been roused was leaving him . Uriah came out of his corner . 'I do n't know all I have done , in my fatuity , ' said Mr. Wickfield , putting out his hands , as if to deprecate my condemnation . 'He knows best , ' meaning Uriah Heep , 'for he has always been at my elbow , whispering me . You see the millstone that he is about my neck . You find him in my house , you find him in my business . You heard him , but a little time ago . What need have I to say more ! ' 'You have n't need to say so much , nor half so much , nor anything at all , ' observed Uriah , half defiant , and half fawning . 'You would n't have took it up so , if it had n't been for the wine . You 'll think better of it tomorrow , sir . If I have said too much , or more than I meant , what of it ? I have n't stood by it ! ' The door opened , and Agnes , gliding in , without a vestige of colour in her face , put her arm round his neck , and steadily said , 'Papa , you are not well . Come with me ! ' He laid his head upon her shoulder , as if he were oppressed with heavy shame , and went out with her . Her eyes met mine for but an instant , yet I saw how much she knew of what had passed . 'I did n't expect he 'd cut up so rough , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah . 'But it 's nothing . I 'll be friends with him tomorrow . It 's for his good . I 'm umbly anxious for his good . ' I gave him no answer , and went upstairs into the quiet room where Agnes had so often sat beside me at my books . Nobody came near me until late at night . I took up a book , and tried to read . I heard the clocks strike twelve , and was still reading , without knowing what I read , when Agnes touched me . 'You will be going early in the morning , Trotwood ! Let us say good-bye , now ! ' She had been weeping , but her face then was so calm and beautiful ! 'Heaven bless you ! ' she said , giving me her hand . 'Dearest Agnes ! ' I returned , 'I see you ask me not to speak of tonight -- but is there nothing to be done ? ' 'There is God to trust in ! ' she replied . 'Can I do nothing -- I , who come to you with my poor sorrows ? ' 'And make mine so much lighter , ' she replied . 'Dear Trotwood , no ! ' 'Dear Agnes , ' I said , 'it is presumptuous for me , who am so poor in all in which you are so rich -- goodness , resolution , all noble qualities -- to doubt or direct you ; but you know how much I love you , and how much I owe you . You will never sacrifice yourself to a mistaken sense of duty , Agnes ? ' More agitated for a moment than I had ever seen her , she took her hands from me , and moved a step back . 'Say you have no such thought , dear Agnes ! Much more than sister ! Think of the priceless gift of such a heart as yours , of such a love as yours ! ' Oh ! long , long afterwards , I saw that face rise up before me , with its momentary look , not wondering , not accusing , not regretting . Oh , long , long afterwards , I saw that look subside , as it did now , into the lovely smile , with which she told me she had no fear for herself -- I need have none for her -- and parted from me by the name of Brother , and was gone ! It was dark in the morning , when I got upon the coach at the inn door . The day was just breaking when we were about to start , and then , as I sat thinking of her , came struggling up the coach side , through the mingled day and night , Uriah 's head . 'Copperfield ! ' said he , in a croaking whisper , as he hung by the iron on the roof , 'I thought you 'd be glad to hear before you went off , that there are no squares broke between us . I 've been into his room already , and we 've made it all smooth . Why , though I 'm umble , I 'm useful to him , you know ; and he understands his interest when he is n't in liquor ! What an agreeable man he is , after all , Master Copperfield ! ' I obliged myself to say that I was glad he had made his apology . 'Oh , to be sure ! ' said Uriah . 'When a person 's umble , you know , what's an apology ? So easy ! I say ! I suppose , ' with a jerk , 'you have sometimes plucked a pear before it was ripe , Master Copperfield ? ' 'I suppose I have , ' I replied . 'I did that last night , ' said Uriah ; 'but it 'll ripen yet ! It only wants attending to . I can wait ! ' Profuse in his farewells , he got down again as the coachman got up . For anything I know , he was eating something to keep the raw morning air out ; but he made motions with his mouth as if the pear were ripe already , and he were smacking his lips over it . CHAPTER 40 . THE WANDERER We had a very serious conversation in Buckingham Street that night , about the domestic occurrences I have detailed in the last
chapter . My aunt was deeply interested in them , and walked up and down the room with her arms folded , for more than two hours afterwards . Whenever she was particularly discomposed , she always performed one of these pedestrian feats ; and the amount of her discomposure might always be estimated by the duration of her walk . On this occasion she was so much disturbed in mind as to find it necessary to open the bedroom door , and make a course for herself , comprising the full extent of the bedrooms from wall to wall ; and while Mr. Dick and I sat quietly by the fire , she kept passing in and out , along this measured track , at an unchanging pace , with the regularity of a clock-pendulum . When my aunt and I were left to ourselves by Mr. Dick 's going out to bed , I sat down to write my letter to the two old ladies . By that time she was tired of walking , and sat by the fire with her dress tucked up as usual . But instead of sitting in her usual manner , holding her glass upon her knee , she suffered it to stand neglected on the chimney-piece ; and , resting her left elbow on her right arm , and her chin on her left hand , looked thoughtfully at me . As often as I raised my eyes from what I was about , I met hers . 'I am in the lovingest of tempers , my dear , ' she would assure me with a nod , 'but I am fidgeted and sorry ! ' I had been too busy to observe , until after she was gone to bed , that she had left her night-mixture , as she always called it , untasted on the chimney-piece . She came to her door , with even more than her usual affection of manner , when I knocked to acquaint her with this discovery ; but only said , 'I have not the heart to take it , Trot , tonight , ' and shook her head , and went in again . She read my letter to the two old ladies , in the morning , and approved of it . I posted it , and had nothing to do then , but wait , as patiently as I could , for the reply . I was still in this state of expectation , and had been , for nearly a week ; when I left the Doctor 's one snowy night , to walk home . It had been a bitter day , and a cutting north-east wind had blown for some time . The wind had gone down with the light , and so the snow had come on . It was a heavy , settled fall , I recollect , in great flakes ; and it lay thick . The noise of wheels and tread of people were as hushed , as if the streets had been strewn that depth with feathers . My shortest way home , -- and I naturally took the shortest way on such a night -- was through St. Martin 's Lane . Now , the church which gives its name to the lane , stood in a less free situation at that time ; there being no open space before it , and the lane winding down to the Strand . As I passed the steps of the portico , I encountered , at the corner , a woman 's face . It looked in mine , passed across the narrow lane , and disappeared . I knew it . I had seen it somewhere . But I could not remember where . I had some association with it , that struck upon my heart directly ; but I was thinking of anything else when it came upon me , and was confused . On the steps of the church , there was the stooping figure of a man , who had put down some burden on the smooth snow , to adjust it ; my seeing the face , and my seeing him , were simultaneous . I do n't think I had stopped in my surprise ; but , in any case , as I went on , he rose , turned , and came down towards me . I stood face to face with Mr. Peggotty ! Then I remembered the woman . It was Martha , to whom Emily had given the money that night in the kitchen . Martha Endell -- side by side with whom , he would not have seen his dear niece , Ham had told me , for all the treasures wrecked in the sea . We shook hands heartily . At first , neither of us could speak a word . 'Mas'r Davy ! ' he said , gripping me tight , 'it do my art good to see you , sir . Well met , well met ! ' 'Well met , my dear old friend ! ' said I . 'I had my thowts o ' coming to make inquiration for you , sir , tonight , ' he said , 'but knowing as your aunt was living along wi ' you -- fur I've been down yonder -- Yarmouth way -- I was afeerd it was too late . I should have come early in the morning , sir , afore going away . ' 'Again ? ' said I . 'Yes , sir , ' he replied , patiently shaking his head , 'I 'm away tomorrow . ' 'Where were you going now ? ' I asked . 'Well ! ' he replied , shaking the snow out of his long hair , 'I was a-going to turn in somewheers . ' In those days there was a side-entrance to the stable-yard of the Golden Cross , the inn so memorable to me in connexion with his misfortune , nearly opposite to where we stood . I pointed out the gateway , put my arm through his , and we went across . Two or three public-rooms opened out of the stable-yard ; and looking into one of them , and finding it empty , and a good fire burning , I took him in there . When I saw him in the light , I observed , not only that his hair was long and ragged , but that his face was burnt dark by the sun . He was greyer , the lines in his face and forehead were deeper , and he had every appearance of having toiled and wandered through all varieties of weather ; but he looked very strong , and like a man upheld by steadfastness of purpose , whom nothing could tire out . He shook the snow from his hat and clothes , and brushed it away from his face , while I was inwardly making these remarks . As he sat down opposite to me at a table , with his back to the door by which we had entered , he put out his rough hand again , and grasped mine warmly . 'I 'll tell you , Mas'r Davy , ' he said , -- 'wheer all I 've been , and what-all we 've heerd . I 've been fur , and we 've heerd little ; but I'll tell you ! ' I rang the bell for something hot to drink . He would have nothing stronger than ale ; and while it was being brought , and being warmed at the fire , he sat thinking . There was a fine , massive gravity in his face , I did not venture to disturb . 'When she was a child , ' he said , lifting up his head soon after we were left alone , 'she used to talk to me a deal about the sea , and about them coasts where the sea got to be dark blue , and to lay a-shining and a-shining in the sun . I thowt , odd times , as her father being drownded made her think on it so much . I doe n't know , you see , but maybe she believed -- or hoped -- he had drifted out to them parts , where the flowers is always a-blowing , and the country bright . ' 'It is likely to have been a childish fancy , ' I replied . 'When she was -- lost , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'I know 'd in my mind , as he would take her to them countries . I know 'd in my mind , as he 'd have told her wonders of 'em , and how she was to be a lady theer , and how he got her to listen to him fust , along o ' sech like . When we see his mother , I know 'd quite well as I was right . I went across-channel to France , and landed theer , as if I 'd fell down from the sky . ' I saw the door move , and the snow drift in . I saw it move a little more , and a hand softly interpose to keep it open . 'I found out an English gen'leman as was in authority , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'and told him I was a-going to seek my niece . He got me them papers as I wanted fur to carry me through -- I doe n't rightly know how they 're called -- and he would have give me money , but that I was thankful to have no need on . I thank him kind , for all he done , I 'm sure ! `` I've wrote afore you , '' he says to me , `` and I shall speak to many as will come that way , and many will know you , fur distant from here , when you're a-travelling alone . '' I told him , best as I was able , what my gratitoode was , and went away through France . ' 'Alone , and on foot ? ' said I . 'Mostly a-foot , ' he rejoined ; 'sometimes in carts along with people going to market ; sometimes in empty coaches . Many mile a day a-foot , and often with some poor soldier or another , travelling to see his friends . I could n't talk to him , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'nor he to me ; but we was company for one another , too , along the dusty roads . ' I should have known that by his friendly tone . 'When I come to any town , ' he pursued , 'I found the inn , and waited about the yard till someone turned up ( someone mostly did ) as know'd English . Then I told how that I was on my way to seek my niece , and they told me what manner of gentlefolks was in the house , and I waited to see any as seemed like her , going in or out . When it war n't Em'ly , I went on agen . By little and little , when I come to a new village or that , among the poor people , I found they know 'd about me . They would set me down at their cottage doors , and give me what-not fur to eat and drink , and show me where to sleep ; and many a woman , Mas'r Davy , as has had a daughter of about Em'ly 's age , I 've found a-waiting fur me , at Our Saviour's Cross outside the village , fur to do me sim'lar kindnesses . Some has had daughters as was dead . And God only knows how good them mothers was to me ! ' It was Martha at the door . I saw her haggard , listening face distinctly . My dread was lest he should turn his head , and see her too . 'They would often put their children -- particular their little girls , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'upon my knee ; and many a time you might have seen me sitting at their doors , when night was coming in , a'most as if they'd been my Darling 's children . Oh , my Darling ! ' Overpowered by sudden grief , he sobbed aloud . I laid my trembling hand upon the hand he put before his face . 'Thankee , sir , ' he said , 'doen't take no notice . ' In a very little while he took his hand away and put it on his breast , and went on with his story . 'They often walked with me , ' he said , 'in the morning , maybe a mile or two upon my road ; and when we parted , and I said , `` I 'm very thankful to you ! God bless you ! '' they always seemed to understand , and answered pleasant . At last I come to the sea . It warn't hard , you may suppose , for a seafaring man like me to work his way over to Italy . When I got theer , I wandered on as I had done afore . The people was just as good to me , and I should have gone from town to town , maybe the country through , but that I got news of her being seen among them Swiss mountains yonder . One as know 'd his servant see 'em there , all three , and told me how they travelled , and where they was . I made fur them mountains , Mas'r Davy , day and night . Ever so fur as I went , ever so fur the mountains seemed to shift away from me . But I come up with 'em , and I crossed 'em . When I got nigh the place as I had been told of , I began to think within my own self , `` What shall I do when I see her ? '' ' The listening face , insensible to the inclement night , still drooped at the door , and the hands begged me -- prayed me -- not to cast it forth . 'I never doubted her , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'No ! Not a bit ! On'y let her see my face -- on'y let her heer my voice -- on'y let my stanning still afore her bring to her thoughts the home she had fled away from , and the child she had been -- and if she had growed to be a royal lady , she 'd have fell down at my feet ! I know 'd it well ! Many a time in my sleep had I heerd her cry out , `` Uncle ! '' and seen her fall like death afore me . Many a time in my sleep had I raised her up , and whispered to her , `` Em'ly , my dear , I am come fur to bring forgiveness , and to take you home ! '' ' He stopped and shook his head , and went on with a sigh . 'He was nowt to me now . Em'ly was all . I bought a country dress to put upon her ; and I know 'd that , once found , she would walk beside me over them stony roads , go where I would , and never , never , leave me more . To put that dress upon her , and to cast off what she wore -- to take her on my arm again , and wander towards home -- to stop sometimes upon the road , and heal her bruised feet and her worse-bruised heart -- was all that I thowt of now . I doe n't believe I should have done so much as look at him . But , Mas'r Davy , it war n't to be -- not yet ! I was too late , and they was gone . Wheer , I could n't learn . Some said heer , some said theer . I travelled heer , and I travelled theer , but I found no Em'ly , and I travelled home . ' 'How long ago ? ' I asked . 'A matter o ' fower days , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'I sighted the old boat arter dark , and the light a-shining in the winder . When I come nigh and looked in through the glass , I see the faithful creetur Missis Gummidge sittin ' by the fire , as we had fixed upon , alone . I called out , `` Doen't be afeerd ! It 's Dan'l ! '' and I went in . I never could have thowt the old boat would have been so strange ! ' From some pocket in his breast , he took out , with a very careful hand a small paper bundle containing two or three letters or little packets , which he laid upon the table . 'This fust one come , ' he said , selecting it from the rest , 'afore I had been gone a week . A fifty pound Bank note , in a sheet of paper , directed to me , and put underneath the door in the night . She tried to hide her writing , but she could n't hide it from Me ! ' He folded up the note again , with great patience and care , in exactly the same form , and laid it on one side . 'This come to Missis Gummidge , ' he said , opening another , 'two or three months ago . 'After looking at it for some moments , he gave it to me , and added in a low voice , 'Be so good as read it , sir . ' I read as follows : 'Oh what will you feel when you see this writing , and know it comes from my wicked hand ! But try , try -- not for my sake , but for uncle 's goodness , try to let your heart soften to me , only for a little little time ! Try , pray do , to relent towards a miserable girl , and write down on a bit of paper whether he is well , and what he said about me before you left off ever naming me among yourselves -- and whether , of a night , when it is my old time of coming home , you ever see him look as if he thought of one he used to love so dear . Oh , my heart is breaking when I think about it ! I am kneeling down to you , begging and praying you not to be as hard with me as I deserve -- as I well , well , know I deserve -- but to be so gentle and so good , as to write down something of him , and to send it to me . You need not call me Little , you need not call me by the name I have disgraced ; but oh , listen to my agony , and have mercy on me so far as to write me some word of uncle , never , never to be seen in this world by my eyes again ! 'Dear , if your heart is hard towards me -- justly hard , I know -- but , listen , if it is hard , dear , ask him I have wronged the most -- him whose wife I was to have been -- before you quite decide against my poor poor prayer ! If he should be so compassionate as to say that you might write something for me to read -- I think he would , oh , I think he would , if you would only ask him , for he always was so brave and so forgiving -- tell him then ( but not else ) , that when I hear the wind blowing at night , I feel as if it was passing angrily from seeing him and uncle , and was going up to God against me . Tell him that if I was to die tomorrow ( and oh , if I was fit , I would be so glad to die ! ) I would bless him and uncle with my last words , and pray for his happy home with my last breath ! ' Some money was enclosed in this letter also . Five pounds . It was untouched like the previous sum , and he refolded it in the same way . Detailed instructions were added relative to the address of a reply , which , although they betrayed the intervention of several hands , and made it difficult to arrive at any very probable conclusion in reference to her place of concealment , made it at least not unlikely that she had written from that spot where she was stated to have been seen . 'What answer was sent ? ' I inquired of Mr. Peggotty . 'Missis Gummidge , ' he returned , 'not being a good scholar , sir , Ham kindly drawed it out , and she made a copy on it . They told her I was gone to seek her , and what my parting words was . ' 'Is that another letter in your hand ? ' said I . 'It 's money , sir , ' said Mr. Peggotty , unfolding it a little way . 'Ten pound , you see . And wrote inside , `` From a true friend , '' like the fust . But the fust was put underneath the door , and this come by the post , day afore yesterday . I 'm a-going to seek her at the post-mark . ' He showed it to me . It was a town on the Upper Rhine . He had found out , at Yarmouth , some foreign dealers who knew that country , and they had drawn him a rude map on paper , which he could very well understand . He laid it between us on the table ; and , with his chin resting on one hand , tracked his course upon it with the other . I asked him how Ham was ? He shook his head . 'He works , ' he said , 'as bold as a man can . His name 's as good , in all that part , as any man 's is , anywheres in the wureld . Anyone 's hand is ready to help him , you understand , and his is ready to help them . He's never been heerd fur to complain . But my sister 's belief is ( 'twixt ourselves ) as it has cut him deep . ' 'Poor fellow , I can believe it ! ' 'He ai n't no care , Mas'r Davy , ' said Mr. Peggotty in a solemn whisper -- 'kinder no care no-how for his life . When a man 's wanted for rough sarvice in rough weather , he 's theer . When there 's hard duty to be done with danger in it , he steps for'ard afore all his mates . And yet he 's as gentle as any child . There ai n't a child in Yarmouth that doen't know him . ' He gathered up the letters thoughtfully , smoothing them with his hand ; put them into their little bundle ; and placed it tenderly in his breast again . The face was gone from the door . I still saw the snow drifting in ; but nothing else was there . 'Well ! ' he said , looking to his bag , 'having seen you tonight , Mas'r Davy ( and that doos me good ! ) , I shall away betimes tomorrow morning . You have seen what I 've got heer ' ; putting his hand on where the little packet lay ; 'all that troubles me is , to think that any harm might come to me , afore that money was give back . If I was to die , and it was lost , or stole , or elseways made away with , and it was never know 'd by him but what I 'd took it , I believe the t'other wureld would n't hold me ! I believe I must come back ! ' He rose , and I rose too ; we grasped each other by the hand again , before going out . 'I 'd go ten thousand mile , ' he said , 'I 'd go till I dropped dead , to lay that money down afore him . If I do that , and find my Em'ly , I 'm content . If I doe n't find her , maybe she 'll come to hear , sometime , as her loving uncle only ended his search for her when he ended his life ; and if I know her , even that will turn her home at last ! ' As he went out into the rigorous night , I saw the lonely figure flit away before us . I turned him hastily on some pretence , and held him in conversation until it was gone . He spoke of a traveller 's house on the Dover Road , where he knew he could find a clean , plain lodging for the night . I went with him over Westminster Bridge , and parted from him on the Surrey shore . Everything seemed , to my imagination , to be hushed in reverence for him , as he resumed his solitary journey through the snow . I returned to the inn yard , and , impressed by my remembrance of the face , looked awfully around for it . It was not there . The snow had covered our late footprints ; my new track was the only one to be seen ; and even that began to die away ( it snowed so fast ) as I looked back over my shoulder . CHAPTER 41 . DORA 'S AUNTS At last , an answer came from the two old ladies . They presented their compliments to Mr. Copperfield , and informed him that they had given his letter their best consideration , 'with a view to the happiness of both parties ' -- which I thought rather an alarming expression , not only because of the use they had made of it in relation to the family difference before-mentioned , but because I had ( and have all my life ) observed that conventional phrases are a sort of fireworks , easily let off , and liable to take a great variety of shapes and colours not at all suggested by their original form . The Misses Spenlow added that they begged to forbear expressing , 'through the medium of correspondence ' , an opinion on the subject of Mr. Copperfield 's communication ; but that if Mr. Copperfield would do them the favour to call , upon a certain day ( accompanied , if he thought proper , by a confidential friend ) , they would be happy to hold some conversation on the subject . To this favour , Mr. Copperfield immediately replied , with his respectful compliments , that he would have the honour of waiting on the Misses Spenlow , at the time appointed ; accompanied , in accordance with their kind permission , by his friend Mr. Thomas Traddles of the Inner Temple . Having dispatched which missive , Mr. Copperfield fell into a condition of strong nervous agitation ; and so remained until the day arrived . It was a great augmentation of my uneasiness to be bereaved , at this eventful crisis , of the inestimable services of Miss Mills . But Mr. Mills , who was always doing something or other to annoy me -- or I felt as if he were , which was the same thing -- had brought his conduct to a climax , by taking it into his head that he would go to India . Why should he go to India , except to harass me ? To be sure he had nothing to do with any other part of the world , and had a good deal to do with that part ; being entirely in the India trade , whatever that was ( I had floating dreams myself concerning golden shawls and elephants ' teeth ) ; having been at Calcutta in his youth ; and designing now to go out there again , in the capacity of resident partner . But this was nothing to me . However , it was so much to him that for India he was bound , and Julia with him ; and Julia went into the country to take leave of her relations ; and the house was put into a perfect suit of bills , announcing that it was to be let or sold , and that the furniture ( Mangle and all ) was to be taken at a valuation . So , here was another earthquake of which I became the sport , before I had recovered from the shock of its predecessor ! I was in several minds how to dress myself on the important day ; being divided between my desire to appear to advantage , and my apprehensions of putting on anything that might impair my severely practical character in the eyes of the Misses Spenlow . I endeavoured to hit a happy medium between these two extremes ; my aunt approved the result ; and Mr. Dick threw one of his shoes after Traddles and me , for luck , as we went downstairs . Excellent fellow as I knew Traddles to be , and warmly attached to him as I was , I could not help wishing , on that delicate occasion , that he had never contracted the habit of brushing his hair so very upright . It gave him a surprised look -- not to say a hearth-broomy kind of expression -- which , my apprehensions whispered , might be fatal to us . I took the liberty of mentioning it to Traddles , as we were walking to Putney ; and saying that if he WOULD smooth it down a little -- 'My dear Copperfield , ' said Traddles , lifting off his hat , and rubbing his hair all kinds of ways , 'nothing would give me greater pleasure . But it wo n't . ' 'Wo n't be smoothed down ? ' said I . 'No , ' said Traddles . 'Nothing will induce it . If I was to carry a half-hundred-weight upon it , all the way to Putney , it would be up again the moment the weight was taken off . You have no idea what obstinate hair mine is , Copperfield . I am quite a fretful porcupine . ' I was a little disappointed , I must confess , but thoroughly charmed by his good-nature too . I told him how I esteemed his good-nature ; and said that his hair must have taken all the obstinacy out of his character , for he had none . 'Oh ! ' returned Traddles , laughing . 'I assure you , it 's quite an old story , my unfortunate hair . My uncle 's wife could n't bear it . She said it exasperated her . It stood very much in my way , too , when I first fell in love with Sophy . Very much ! ' 'Did she object to it ? ' 'SHE did n't , ' rejoined Traddles ; 'but her eldest sister -- the one that's the Beauty -- quite made game of it , I understand . In fact , all the sisters laugh at it . ' 'Agreeable ! ' said I . 'Yes , ' returned Traddles with perfect innocence , 'it 's a joke for us . They pretend that Sophy has a lock of it in her desk , and is obliged to shut it in a clasped book , to keep it down . We laugh about it . ' 'By the by , my dear Traddles , ' said I , 'your experience may suggest something to me . When you became engaged to the young lady whom you have just mentioned , did you make a regular proposal to her family ? Was there anything like -- what we are going through today , for instance ? ' I added , nervously . 'Why , ' replied Traddles , on whose attentive face a thoughtful shade had stolen , 'it was rather a painful transaction , Copperfield , in my case . You see , Sophy being of so much use in the family , none of them could endure the thought of her ever being married . Indeed , they had quite settled among themselves that she never was to be married , and they called her the old maid . Accordingly , when I mentioned it , with the greatest precaution , to Mrs. Crewler -- ' 'The mama ? ' said I . 'The mama , ' said Traddles -- 'Reverend Horace Crewler -- when I mentioned it with every possible precaution to Mrs. Crewler , the effect upon her was such that she gave a scream and became insensible . I could n't approach the subject again , for months . ' 'You did at last ? ' said I . 'Well , the Reverend Horace did , ' said Traddles . 'He is an excellent man , most exemplary in every way ; and he pointed out to her that she ought , as a Christian , to reconcile herself to the sacrifice ( especially as it was so uncertain ) , and to bear no uncharitable feeling towards me . As to myself , Copperfield , I give you my word , I felt a perfect bird of prey towards the family . ' 'The sisters took your part , I hope , Traddles ? ' 'Why , I ca n't say they did , ' he returned . 'When we had comparatively reconciled Mrs. Crewler to it , we had to break it to Sarah . You recollect my mentioning Sarah , as the one that has something the matter with her spine ? ' 'Perfectly ! ' 'She clenched both her hands , ' said Traddles , looking at me in dismay ; 'shut her eyes ; turned lead-colour ; became perfectly stiff ; and took nothing for two days but toast-and-water , administered with a tea-spoon . ' 'What a very unpleasant girl , Traddles ! ' I remarked . 'Oh , I beg your pardon , Copperfield ! ' said Traddles . 'She is a very charming girl , but she has a great deal of feeling . In fact , they all have . Sophy told me afterwards , that the self-reproach she underwent while she was in attendance upon Sarah , no words could describe . I know it must have been severe , by my own feelings , Copperfield ; which were like a criminal 's . After Sarah was restored , we still had to break it to the other eight ; and it produced various effects upon them of a most pathetic nature . The two little ones , whom Sophy educates , have only just left off de-testing me . ' 'At any rate , they are all reconciled to it now , I hope ? ' said I . 'Ye-yes , I should say they were , on the whole , resigned to it , ' said Traddles , doubtfully . 'The fact is , we avoid mentioning the subject ; and my unsettled prospects and indifferent circumstances are a great consolation to them . There will be a deplorable scene , whenever we are married . It will be much more like a funeral , than a wedding . And they 'll all hate me for taking her away ! ' His honest face , as he looked at me with a serio-comic shake of his head , impresses me more in the remembrance than it did in the reality , for I was by this time in a state of such excessive trepidation and wandering of mind , as to be quite unable to fix my attention on anything . On our approaching the house where the Misses Spenlow lived , I was at such a discount in respect of my personal looks and presence of mind , that Traddles proposed a gentle stimulant in the form of a glass of ale . This having been administered at a neighbouring public-house , he conducted me , with tottering steps , to the Misses Spenlow 's door . I had a vague sensation of being , as it were , on view , when the maid opened it ; and of wavering , somehow , across a hall with a weather-glass in it , into a quiet little drawing-room on the ground-floor , commanding a neat garden . Also of sitting down here , on a sofa , and seeing Traddles 's hair start up , now his hat was removed , like one of those obtrusive little figures made of springs , that fly out of fictitious snuff-boxes when the lid is taken off . Also of hearing an old-fashioned clock ticking away on the chimney-piece , and trying to make it keep time to the jerking of my heart , -- which it would n't . Also of looking round the room for any sign of Dora , and seeing none . Also of thinking that Jip once barked in the distance , and was instantly choked by somebody . Ultimately I found myself backing Traddles into the fireplace , and bowing in great confusion to two dry little elderly ladies , dressed in black , and each looking wonderfully like a preparation in chip or tan of the late Mr. Spenlow . 'Pray , ' said one of the two little ladies , 'be seated . ' When I had done tumbling over Traddles , and had sat upon something which was not a cat -- my first seat was -- I so far recovered my sight , as to perceive that Mr. Spenlow had evidently been the youngest of the family ; that there was a disparity of six or eight years between the two sisters ; and that the younger appeared to be the manager of the conference , inasmuch as she had my letter in her hand -- so familiar as it looked to me , and yet so odd ! -- and was referring to it through an eye-glass . They were dressed alike , but this sister wore her dress with a more youthful air than the other ; and perhaps had a trifle more frill , or tucker , or brooch , or bracelet , or some little thing of that kind , which made her look more lively . They were both upright in their carriage , formal , precise , composed , and quiet . The sister who had not my letter , had her arms crossed on her breast , and resting on each other , like an Idol . 'Mr . Copperfield , I believe , ' said the sister who had got my letter , addressing herself to Traddles . This was a frightful beginning . Traddles had to indicate that I was Mr. Copperfield , and I had to lay claim to myself , and they had to divest themselves of a preconceived opinion that Traddles was Mr. Copperfield , and altogether we were in a nice condition . To improve it , we all distinctly heard Jip give two short barks , and receive another choke . 'Mr . Copperfield ! ' said the sister with the letter . I did something -- bowed , I suppose -- and was all attention , when the other sister struck in . 'My sister Lavinia , ' said she 'being conversant with matters of this nature , will state what we consider most calculated to promote the happiness of both parties . ' I discovered afterwards that Miss Lavinia was an authority in affairs of the heart , by reason of there having anciently existed a certain Mr. Pidger , who played short whist , and was supposed to have been enamoured of her . My private opinion is , that this was entirely a gratuitous assumption , and that Pidger was altogether innocent of any such sentiments -- to which he had never given any sort of expression that I could ever hear of . Both Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa had a superstition , however , that he would have declared his passion , if he had not been cut short in his youth ( at about sixty ) by over-drinking his constitution , and over-doing an attempt to set it right again by swilling Bath water . They had a lurking suspicion even , that he died of secret love ; though I must say there was a picture of him in the house with a damask nose , which concealment did not appear to have ever preyed upon . 'We will not , ' said Miss Lavinia , 'enter on the past history of this matter . Our poor brother Francis 's death has cancelled that . ' 'We had not , ' said Miss Clarissa , 'been in the habit of frequent association with our brother Francis ; but there was no decided division or disunion between us . Francis took his road ; we took ours . We considered it conducive to the happiness of all parties that it should be so . And it was so . ' Each of the sisters leaned a little forward to speak , shook her head after speaking , and became upright again when silent . Miss Clarissa never moved her arms . She sometimes played tunes upon them with her fingers -- minuets and marches I should think -- but never moved them . 'Our niece 's position , or supposed position , is much changed by our brother Francis 's death , ' said Miss Lavinia ; 'and therefore we consider our brother 's opinions as regarded her position as being changed too . We have no reason to doubt , Mr. Copperfield , that you are a young gentleman possessed of good qualities and honourable character ; or that you have an affection -- or are fully persuaded that you have an affection -- for our niece . ' I replied , as I usually did whenever I had a chance , that nobody had ever loved anybody else as I loved Dora . Traddles came to my assistance with a confirmatory murmur . Miss Lavinia was going on to make some rejoinder , when Miss Clarissa , who appeared to be incessantly beset by a desire to refer to her brother Francis , struck in again : 'If Dora 's mama , ' she said , 'when she married our brother Francis , had at once said that there was not room for the family at the dinner-table , it would have been better for the happiness of all parties . ' 'Sister Clarissa , ' said Miss Lavinia . 'Perhaps we need n't mind that now . ' 'Sister Lavinia , ' said Miss Clarissa , 'it belongs to the subject . With your branch of the subject , on which alone you are competent to speak , I should not think of interfering . On this branch of the subject I have a voice and an opinion . It would have been better for the happiness of all parties , if Dora 's mama , when she married our brother Francis , had mentioned plainly what her intentions were . We should then have known what we had to expect . We should have said `` Pray do not invite us , at any time '' ; and all possibility of misunderstanding would have been avoided . ' When Miss Clarissa had shaken her head , Miss Lavinia resumed : again referring to my letter through her eye-glass . They both had little bright round twinkling eyes , by the way , which were like birds ' eyes . They were not unlike birds , altogether ; having a sharp , brisk , sudden manner , and a little short , spruce way of adjusting themselves , like canaries . Miss Lavinia , as I have said , resumed : 'You ask permission of my sister Clarissa and myself , Mr. Copperfield , to visit here , as the accepted suitor of our niece . ' 'If our brother Francis , ' said Miss Clarissa , breaking out again , if I may call anything so calm a breaking out , 'wished to surround himself with an atmosphere of Doctors ' Commons , and of Doctors ' Commons only , what right or desire had we to object ? None , I am sure . We have ever been far from wishing to obtrude ourselves on anyone . But why not say so ? Let our brother Francis and his wife have their society . Let my sister Lavinia and myself have our society . We can find it for ourselves , I hope . ' As this appeared to be addressed to Traddles and me , both Traddles and I made some sort of reply . Traddles was inaudible . I think I observed , myself , that it was highly creditable to all concerned . I do n't in the least know what I meant . 'Sister Lavinia , ' said Miss Clarissa , having now relieved her mind , 'you can go on , my dear . ' Miss Lavinia proceeded : 'Mr . Copperfield , my sister Clarissa and I have been very careful indeed in considering this letter ; and we have not considered it without finally showing it to our niece , and discussing it with our niece . We have no doubt that you think you like her very much . ' 'Think , ma'am , ' I rapturously began , 'oh ! -- ' But Miss Clarissa giving me a look ( just like a sharp canary ) , as requesting that I would not interrupt the oracle , I begged pardon . 'Affection , ' said Miss Lavinia , glancing at her sister for corroboration , which she gave in the form of a little nod to every clause , 'mature affection , homage , devotion , does not easily express itself . Its voice is low . It is modest and retiring , it lies in ambush , waits and waits . Such is the mature fruit . Sometimes a life glides away , and finds it still ripening in the shade . ' Of course I did not understand then that this was an allusion to her supposed experience of the stricken Pidger ; but I saw , from the gravity with which Miss Clarissa nodded her head , that great weight was attached to these words . 'The light -- for I call them , in comparison with such sentiments , the light -- inclinations of very young people , ' pursued Miss Lavinia , 'are dust , compared to rocks . It is owing to the difficulty of knowing whether they are likely to endure or have any real foundation , that my sister Clarissa and myself have been very undecided how to act , Mr. Copperfield , and Mr. -- ' 'Traddles , ' said my friend , finding himself looked at . 'I beg pardon . Of the Inner Temple , I believe ? ' said Miss Clarissa , again glancing at my letter . Traddles said 'Exactly so , ' and became pretty red in the face . Now , although I had not received any express encouragement as yet , I fancied that I saw in the two little sisters , and particularly in Miss Lavinia , an intensified enjoyment of this new and fruitful subject of domestic interest , a settling down to make the most of it , a disposition to pet it , in which there was a good bright ray of hope . I thought I perceived that Miss Lavinia would have uncommon satisfaction in superintending two young lovers , like Dora and me ; and that Miss Clarissa would have hardly less satisfaction in seeing her superintend us , and in chiming in with her own particular department of the subject whenever that impulse was strong upon her . This gave me courage to protest most vehemently that I loved Dora better than I could tell , or anyone believe ; that all my friends knew how I loved her ; that my aunt , Agnes , Traddles , everyone who knew me , knew how I loved her , and how earnest my love had made me . For the truth of this , I appealed to Traddles . And Traddles , firing up as if he were plunging into a Parliamentary Debate , really did come out nobly : confirming me in good round terms , and in a plain sensible practical manner , that evidently made a favourable impression . 'I speak , if I may presume to say so , as one who has some little experience of such things , ' said Traddles , 'being myself engaged to a young lady -- one of ten , down in Devonshire -- and seeing no probability , at present , of our engagement coming to a termination . ' 'You may be able to confirm what I have said , Mr. Traddles , ' observed Miss Lavinia , evidently taking a new interest in him , 'of the affection that is modest and retiring ; that waits and waits ? ' 'Entirely , ma'am , ' said Traddles . Miss Clarissa looked at Miss Lavinia , and shook her head gravely . Miss Lavinia looked consciously at Miss Clarissa , and heaved a little sigh . 'Sister Lavinia , ' said Miss Clarissa , 'take my smelling-bottle . ' Miss Lavinia revived herself with a few whiffs of aromatic vinegar -- Traddles and I looking on with great solicitude the while ; and then went on to say , rather faintly : 'My sister and myself have been in great doubt , Mr. Traddles , what course we ought to take in reference to the likings , or imaginary likings , of such very young people as your friend Mr. Copperfield and our niece . ' 'Our brother Francis 's child , ' remarked Miss Clarissa . 'If our brother Francis 's wife had found it convenient in her lifetime ( though she had an unquestionable right to act as she thought best ) to invite the family to her dinner-table , we might have known our brother Francis 's child better at the present moment . Sister Lavinia , proceed . ' Miss Lavinia turned my letter , so as to bring the superscription towards herself , and referred through her eye-glass to some orderly-looking notes she had made on that part of it . 'It seems to us , ' said she , 'prudent , Mr. Traddles , to bring these feelings to the test of our own observation . At present we know nothing of them , and are not in a situation to judge how much reality there may be in them . Therefore we are inclined so far to accede to Mr. Copperfield 's proposal , as to admit his visits here . ' 'I shall never , dear ladies , ' I exclaimed , relieved of an immense load of apprehension , 'forget your kindness ! ' 'But , ' pursued Miss Lavinia , -- 'but , we would prefer to regard those visits , Mr. Traddles , as made , at present , to us . We must guard ourselves from recognizing any positive engagement between Mr. Copperfield and our niece , until we have had an opportunity -- ' 'Until YOU have had an opportunity , sister Lavinia , ' said Miss Clarissa . 'Be it so , ' assented Miss Lavinia , with a sigh -- 'until I have had an opportunity of observing them . ' 'Copperfield , ' said Traddles , turning to me , 'you feel , I am sure , that nothing could be more reasonable or considerate . ' 'Nothing ! ' cried I . 'I am deeply sensible of it . ' 'In this position of affairs , ' said Miss Lavinia , again referring to her notes , 'and admitting his visits on this understanding only , we must require from Mr. Copperfield a distinct assurance , on his word of honour , that no communication of any kind shall take place between him and our niece without our knowledge . That no project whatever shall be entertained with regard to our niece , without being first submitted to us -- ' 'To you , sister Lavinia , ' Miss Clarissa interposed . 'Be it so , Clarissa ! ' assented Miss Lavinia resignedly -- 'to me -- and receiving our concurrence . We must make this a most express and serious stipulation , not to be broken on any account . We wished Mr. Copperfield to be accompanied by some confidential friend today , ' with an inclination of her head towards Traddles , who bowed , 'in order that there might be no doubt or misconception on this subject . If Mr. Copperfield , or if you , Mr. Traddles , feel the least scruple , in giving this promise , I beg you to take time to consider it . ' I exclaimed , in a state of high ecstatic fervour , that not a moment's consideration could be necessary . I bound myself by the required promise , in a most impassioned manner ; called upon Traddles to witness it ; and denounced myself as the most atrocious of characters if I ever swerved from it in the least degree . 'Stay ! ' said Miss Lavinia , holding up her hand ; 'we resolved , before we had the pleasure of receiving you two gentlemen , to leave you alone for a quarter of an hour , to consider this point . You will allow us to retire . ' It was in vain for me to say that no consideration was necessary . They persisted in withdrawing for the specified time . Accordingly , these little birds hopped out with great dignity ; leaving me to receive the congratulations of Traddles , and to feel as if I were translated to regions of exquisite happiness . Exactly at the expiration of the quarter of an hour , they reappeared with no less dignity than they had disappeared . They had gone rustling away as if their little dresses were made of autumn-leaves : and they came rustling back , in like manner . I then bound myself once more to the prescribed conditions . 'Sister Clarissa , ' said Miss Lavinia , 'the rest is with you . ' Miss Clarissa , unfolding her arms for the first time , took the notes and glanced at them . 'We shall be happy , ' said Miss Clarissa , 'to see Mr. Copperfield to dinner , every Sunday , if it should suit his convenience . Our hour is three . ' I bowed . 'In the course of the week , ' said Miss Clarissa , 'we shall be happy to see Mr. Copperfield to tea . Our hour is half-past six . ' I bowed again . 'Twice in the week , ' said Miss Clarissa , 'but , as a rule , not oftener . ' I bowed again . 'Miss Trotwood , ' said Miss Clarissa , 'mentioned in Mr. Copperfield's letter , will perhaps call upon us . When visiting is better for the happiness of all parties , we are glad to receive visits , and return them . When it is better for the happiness of all parties that no visiting should take place , ( as in the case of our brother Francis , and his establishment ) that is quite different . ' I intimated that my aunt would be proud and delighted to make their acquaintance ; though I must say I was not quite sure of their getting on very satisfactorily together . The conditions being now closed , I expressed my acknowledgements in the warmest manner ; and , taking the hand , first of Miss Clarissa , and then of Miss Lavinia , pressed it , in each case , to my lips . Miss Lavinia then arose , and begging Mr. Traddles to excuse us for a minute , requested me to follow her . I obeyed , all in a tremble , and was conducted into another room . There I found my blessed darling stopping her ears behind the door , with her dear little face against the wall ; and Jip in the plate-warmer with his head tied up in a towel . Oh ! How beautiful she was in her black frock , and how she sobbed and cried at first , and would n't come out from behind the door ! How fond we were of one another , when she did come out at last ; and what a state of bliss I was in , when we took Jip out of the plate-warmer , and restored him to the light , sneezing very much , and were all three reunited ! 'My dearest Dora ! Now , indeed , my own for ever ! ' 'Oh , DO N'T ! ' pleaded Dora . 'Please ! ' 'Are you not my own for ever , Dora ? ' 'Oh yes , of course I am ! ' cried Dora , 'but I am so frightened ! ' 'Frightened , my own ? ' 'Oh yes ! I do n't like him , ' said Dora . 'Why do n't he go ? ' 'Who , my life ? ' 'Your friend , ' said Dora . 'It is n't any business of his . What a stupid he must be ! ' 'My love ! ' ( There never was anything so coaxing as her childish ways . ) 'He is the best creature ! ' 'Oh , but we do n't want any best creatures ! ' pouted Dora . 'My dear , ' I argued , 'you will soon know him well , and like him of all things . And here is my aunt coming soon ; and you 'll like her of all things too , when you know her . ' 'No , please do n't bring her ! ' said Dora , giving me a horrified little kiss , and folding her hands . 'Do n't . I know she 's a naughty , mischief-making old thing ! Do n't let her come here , Doady ! ' which was a corruption of David . Remonstrance was of no use , then ; so I laughed , and admired , and was very much in love and very happy ; and she showed me Jip 's new trick of standing on his hind legs in a corner -- which he did for about the space of a flash of lightning , and then fell down -- and I do n't know how long I should have stayed there , oblivious of Traddles , if Miss Lavinia had not come in to take me away . Miss Lavinia was very fond of Dora ( she told me Dora was exactly like what she had been herself at her age -- she must have altered a good deal ) , and she treated Dora just as if she had been a toy . I wanted to persuade Dora to come and see Traddles , but on my proposing it she ran off to her own room and locked herself in ; so I went to Traddles without her , and walked away with him on air . 'Nothing could be more satisfactory , ' said Traddles ; 'and they are very agreeable old ladies , I am sure . I should n't be at all surprised if you were to be married years before me , Copperfield . ' 'Does your Sophy play on any instrument , Traddles ? ' I inquired , in the pride of my heart . 'She knows enough of the piano to teach it to her little sisters , ' said Traddles . 'Does she sing at all ? ' I asked . 'Why , she sings ballads , sometimes , to freshen up the others a little when they 're out of spirits , ' said Traddles . 'Nothing scientific . ' 'She does n't sing to the guitar ? ' said I . 'Oh dear no ! ' said Traddles . 'Paint at all ? ' 'Not at all , ' said Traddles . I promised Traddles that he should hear Dora sing , and see some of her flower-painting . He said he should like it very much , and we went home arm in arm in great good humour and delight . I encouraged him to talk about Sophy , on the way ; which he did with a loving reliance on her that I very much admired . I compared her in my mind with Dora , with considerable inward satisfaction ; but I candidly admitted to myself that she seemed to be an excellent kind of girl for Traddles , too . Of course my aunt was immediately made acquainted with the successful issue of the conference , and with all that had been said and done in the course of it . She was happy to see me so happy , and promised to call on Dora 's aunts without loss of time . But she took such a long walk up and down our rooms that night , while I was writing to Agnes , that I began to think she meant to walk till morning . My letter to Agnes was a fervent and grateful one , narrating all the good effects that had resulted from my following her advice . She wrote , by return of post , to me . Her letter was hopeful , earnest , and cheerful . She was always cheerful from that time . I had my hands more full than ever , now . My daily journeys to Highgate considered , Putney was a long way off ; and I naturally wanted to go there as often as I could . The proposed tea-drinkings being quite impracticable , I compounded with Miss Lavinia for permission to visit every Saturday afternoon , without detriment to my privileged Sundays . So , the close of every week was a delicious time for me ; and I got through the rest of the week by looking forward to it . I was wonderfully relieved to find that my aunt and Dora 's aunts rubbed on , all things considered , much more smoothly than I could have expected . My aunt made her promised visit within a few days of the conference ; and within a few more days , Dora 's aunts called upon her , in due state and form . Similar but more friendly exchanges took place afterwards , usually at intervals of three or four weeks . I know that my aunt distressed Dora 's aunts very much , by utterly setting at naught the dignity of fly-conveyance , and walking out to Putney at extraordinary times , as shortly after breakfast or just before tea ; likewise by wearing her bonnet in any manner that happened to be comfortable to her head , without at all deferring to the prejudices of civilization on that subject . But Dora 's aunts soon agreed to regard my aunt as an eccentric and somewhat masculine lady , with a strong understanding ; and although my aunt occasionally ruffled the feathers of Dora 's aunts , by expressing heretical opinions on various points of ceremony , she loved me too well not to sacrifice some of her little peculiarities to the general harmony . The only member of our small society who positively refused to adapt himself to circumstances , was Jip . He never saw my aunt without immediately displaying every tooth in his head , retiring under a chair , and growling incessantly : with now and then a doleful howl , as if she really were too much for his feelings . All kinds of treatment were tried with him , coaxing , scolding , slapping , bringing him to Buckingham Street ( where he instantly dashed at the two cats , to the terror of all beholders ) ; but he never could prevail upon himself to bear my aunt 's society . He would sometimes think he had got the better of his objection , and be amiable for a few minutes ; and then would put up his snub nose , and howl to that extent , that there was nothing for it but to blind him and put him in the plate-warmer . At length , Dora regularly muffled him in a towel and shut him up there , whenever my aunt was reported at the door . One thing troubled me much , after we had fallen into this quiet train . It was , that Dora seemed by one consent to be regarded like a pretty toy or plaything . My aunt , with whom she gradually became familiar , always called her Little Blossom ; and the pleasure of Miss Lavinia 's life was to wait upon her , curl her hair , make ornaments for her , and treat her like a pet child . What Miss Lavinia did , her sister did as a matter of course . It was very odd to me ; but they all seemed to treat Dora , in her degree , much as Dora treated Jip in his . I made up my mind to speak to Dora about this ; and one day when we were out walking ( for we were licensed by Miss Lavinia , after a while , to go out walking by ourselves ) , I said to her that I wished she could get them to behave towards her differently . 'Because you know , my darling , ' I remonstrated , 'you are not a child . ' 'There ! ' said Dora . 'Now you 're going to be cross ! ' 'Cross , my love ? ' 'I am sure they 're very kind to me , ' said Dora , 'and I am very happy -- ' 'Well ! But my dearest life ! ' said I , 'you might be very happy , and yet be treated rationally . ' Dora gave me a reproachful look -- the prettiest look ! -- and then began to sob , saying , if I did n't like her , why had I ever wanted so much to be engaged to her ? And why did n't I go away , now , if I could n't bear her ? What could I do , but kiss away her tears , and tell her how I doted on her , after that ! 'I am sure I am very affectionate , ' said Dora ; 'you ought n't to be cruel to me , Doady ! ' 'Cruel , my precious love ! As if I would -- or could -- be cruel to you , for the world ! ' 'Then do n't find fault with me , ' said Dora , making a rosebud of her mouth ; 'and I 'll be good . ' I was charmed by her presently asking me , of her own accord , to give her that cookery-book I had once spoken of , and to show her how to keep accounts as I had once promised I would . I brought the volume with me on my next visit ( I got it prettily bound , first , to make it look less dry and more inviting ) ; and as we strolled about the Common , I showed her an old housekeeping-book of my aunt 's , and gave her a set of tablets , and a pretty little pencil-case and box of leads , to practise housekeeping with . But the cookery-book made Dora 's head ache , and the figures made her cry . They would n't add up , she said . So she rubbed them out , and drew little nosegays and likenesses of me and Jip , all over the tablets . Then I playfully tried verbal instruction in domestic matters , as we walked about on a Saturday afternoon . Sometimes , for example , when we passed a butcher 's shop , I would say : 'Now suppose , my pet , that we were married , and you were going to buy a shoulder of mutton for dinner , would you know how to buy it ? ' My pretty little Dora 's face would fall , and she would make her mouth into a bud again , as if she would very much prefer to shut mine with a kiss . 'Would you know how to buy it , my darling ? ' I would repeat , perhaps , if I were very inflexible . Dora would think a little , and then reply , perhaps , with great triumph : 'Why , the butcher would know how to sell it , and what need I know ? Oh , you silly boy ! ' So , when I once asked Dora , with an eye to the cookery-book , what she would do , if we were married , and I were to say I should like a nice Irish stew , she replied that she would tell the servant to make it ; and then clapped her little hands together across my arm , and laughed in such a charming manner that she was more delightful than ever . Consequently , the principal use to which the cookery-book was devoted , was being put down in the corner for Jip to stand upon . But Dora was so pleased , when she had trained him to stand upon it without offering to come off , and at the same time to hold the pencil-case in his mouth , that I was very glad I had bought it . And we fell back on the guitar-case , and the flower-painting , and the songs about never leaving off dancing , Ta ra la ! and were as happy as the week was long . I occasionally wished I could venture to hint to Miss Lavinia , that she treated the darling of my heart a little too much like a plaything ; and I sometimes awoke , as it were , wondering to find that I had fallen into the general fault , and treated her like a plaything too -- but not often . CHAPTER 42 . MISCHIEF I feel as if it were not for me to record , even though this manuscript is intended for no eyes but mine , how hard I worked at that tremendous short-hand , and all improvement appertaining to it , in my sense of responsibility to Dora and her aunts . I will only add , to what I have already written of my perseverance at this time of my life , and of a patient and continuous energy which then began to be matured within me , and which I know to be the strong part of my character , if it have any strength at all , that there , on looking back , I find the source of my success . I have been very fortunate in worldly matters ; many men have worked much harder , and not succeeded half so well ; but I never could have done what I have done , without the habits of punctuality , order , and diligence , without the determination to concentrate myself on one object at a time , no matter how quickly its successor should come upon its heels , which I then formed . Heaven knows I write this , in no spirit of self-laudation . The man who reviews his own life , as I do mine , in going on here , from page to page , had need to have been a good man indeed , if he would be spared the sharp consciousness of many talents neglected , many opportunities wasted , many erratic and perverted feelings constantly at war within his breast , and defeating him . I do not hold one natural gift , I dare say , that I have not abused . My meaning simply is , that whatever I have tried to do in life , I have tried with all my heart to do well ; that whatever I have devoted myself to , I have devoted myself to completely ; that in great aims and in small , I have always been thoroughly in earnest . I have never believed it possible that any natural or improved ability can claim immunity from the companionship of the steady , plain , hard-working qualities , and hope to gain its end . There is no such thing as such fulfilment on this earth . Some happy talent , and some fortunate opportunity , may form the two sides of the ladder on which some men mount , but the rounds of that ladder must be made of stuff to stand wear and tear ; and there is no substitute for thorough-going , ardent , and sincere earnestness . Never to put one hand to anything , on which I could throw my whole self ; and never to affect depreciation of my work , whatever it was ; I find , now , to have been my golden rules . How much of the practice I have just reduced to precept , I owe to Agnes , I will not repeat here . My narrative proceeds to Agnes , with a thankful love . She came on a visit of a fortnight to the Doctor 's . Mr. Wickfield was the Doctor 's old friend , and the Doctor wished to talk with him , and do him good . It had been matter of conversation with Agnes when she was last in town , and this visit was the result . She and her father came together . I was not much surprised to hear from her that she had engaged to find a lodging in the neighbourhood for Mrs. Heep , whose rheumatic complaint required change of air , and who would be charmed to have it in such company . Neither was I surprised when , on the very next day , Uriah , like a dutiful son , brought his worthy mother to take possession . 'You see , Master Copperfield , ' said he , as he forced himself upon my company for a turn in the Doctor 's garden , 'where a person loves , a person is a little jealous -- leastways , anxious to keep an eye on the beloved one . ' 'Of whom are you jealous , now ? ' said I . 'Thanks to you , Master Copperfield , ' he returned , 'of no one in particular just at present -- no male person , at least . ' 'Do you mean that you are jealous of a female person ? ' He gave me a sidelong glance out of his sinister red eyes , and laughed . 'Really , Master Copperfield , ' he said , ' -- I should say Mister , but I know you 'll excuse the abit I 've got into -- you 're so insinuating , that you draw me like a corkscrew ! Well , I do n't mind telling you , ' putting his fish-like hand on mine , 'I 'm not a lady 's man in general , sir , and I never was , with Mrs . Strong . ' His eyes looked green now , as they watched mine with a rascally cunning . 'What do you mean ? ' said I . 'Why , though I am a lawyer , Master Copperfield , ' he replied , with a dry grin , 'I mean , just at present , what I say . ' 'And what do you mean by your look ? ' I retorted , quietly . 'By my look ? Dear me , Copperfield , that 's sharp practice ! What do I mean by my look ? ' 'Yes , ' said I . 'By your look . ' He seemed very much amused , and laughed as heartily as it was in his nature to laugh . After some scraping of his chin with his hand , he went on to say , with his eyes cast downward -- still scraping , very slowly : 'When I was but an umble clerk , she always looked down upon me . She was for ever having my Agnes backwards and forwards at her ouse , and she was for ever being a friend to you , Master Copperfield ; but I was too far beneath her , myself , to be noticed . ' 'Well ? ' said I ; 'suppose you were ! ' ' -- And beneath him too , ' pursued Uriah , very distinctly , and in a meditative tone of voice , as he continued to scrape his chin . 'Do n't you know the Doctor better , ' said I , 'than to suppose him conscious of your existence , when you were not before him ? ' He directed his eyes at me in that sidelong glance again , and he made his face very lantern-jawed , for the greater convenience of scraping , as he answered : 'Oh dear , I am not referring to the Doctor ! Oh no , poor man ! I mean Mr . Maldon ! ' My heart quite died within me . All my old doubts and apprehensions on that subject , all the Doctor 's happiness and peace , all the mingled possibilities of innocence and compromise , that I could not unravel , I saw , in a moment , at the mercy of this fellow 's twisting . 'He never could come into the office , without ordering and shoving me about , ' said Uriah . 'One of your fine gentlemen he was ! I was very meek and umble -- and I am . But I did n't like that sort of thing -- and I do n't ! ' He left off scraping his chin , and sucked in his cheeks until they seemed to meet inside ; keeping his sidelong glance upon me all the while . 'She is one of your lovely women , she is , ' he pursued , when he had slowly restored his face to its natural form ; 'and ready to be no friend to such as me , I know . She 's just the person as would put my Agnes up to higher sort of game . Now , I ai n't one of your lady 's men , Master Copperfield ; but I 've had eyes in my ed , a pretty long time back . We umble ones have got eyes , mostly speaking -- and we look out of 'em . ' I endeavoured to appear unconscious and not disquieted , but , I saw in his face , with poor success . 'Now , I 'm not a-going to let myself be run down , Copperfield , ' he continued , raising that part of his countenance , where his red eyebrows would have been if he had had any , with malignant triumph , 'and I shall do what I can to put a stop to this friendship . I do n't approve of it . I do n't mind acknowledging to you that I 've got rather a grudging disposition , and want to keep off all intruders . I ai n't a-going , if I know it , to run the risk of being plotted against . ' 'You are always plotting , and delude yourself into the belief that everybody else is doing the like , I think , ' said I . 'Perhaps so , Master Copperfield , ' he replied . 'But I 've got a motive , as my fellow-partner used to say ; and I go at it tooth and nail . I mustn't be put upon , as a numble person , too much . I ca n't allow people in my way . Really they must come out of the cart , Master Copperfield ! ' 'I do n't understand you , ' said I . 'Do n't you , though ? ' he returned , with one of his jerks . 'I 'm astonished at that , Master Copperfield , you being usually so quick ! I 'll try to be plainer , another time. -- -Is that Mr. Maldon a-norseback , ringing at the gate , sir ? ' 'It looks like him , ' I replied , as carelessly as I could . Uriah stopped short , put his hands between his great knobs of knees , and doubled himself up with laughter . With perfectly silent laughter . Not a sound escaped from him . I was so repelled by his odious behaviour , particularly by this concluding instance , that I turned away without any ceremony ; and left him doubled up in the middle of the garden , like a scarecrow in want of support . It was not on that evening ; but , as I well remember , on the next evening but one , which was a Sunday ; that I took Agnes to see Dora . I had arranged the visit , beforehand , with Miss Lavinia ; and Agnes was expected to tea . I was in a flutter of pride and anxiety ; pride in my dear little betrothed , and anxiety that Agnes should like her . All the way to Putney , Agnes being inside the stage-coach , and I outside , I pictured Dora to myself in every one of the pretty looks I knew so well ; now making up my mind that I should like her to look exactly as she looked at such a time , and then doubting whether I should not prefer her looking as she looked at such another time ; and almost worrying myself into a fever about it . I was troubled by no doubt of her being very pretty , in any case ; but it fell out that I had never seen her look so well . She was not in the drawing-room when I presented Agnes to her little aunts , but was shyly keeping out of the way . I knew where to look for her , now ; and sure enough I found her stopping her ears again , behind the same dull old door . At first she would n't come at all ; and then she pleaded for five minutes by my watch . When at length she put her arm through mine , to be taken to the drawing-room , her charming little face was flushed , and had never been so pretty . But , when we went into the room , and it turned pale , she was ten thousand times prettier yet . Dora was afraid of Agnes . She had told me that she knew Agnes was 'too clever ' . But when she saw her looking at once so cheerful and so earnest , and so thoughtful , and so good , she gave a faint little cry of pleased surprise , and just put her affectionate arms round Agnes 's neck , and laid her innocent cheek against her face . I never was so happy . I never was so pleased as when I saw those two sit down together , side by side . As when I saw my little darling looking up so naturally to those cordial eyes . As when I saw the tender , beautiful regard which Agnes cast upon her . Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa partook , in their way , of my joy . It was the pleasantest tea-table in the world . Miss Clarissa presided . I cut and handed the sweet seed-cake -- the little sisters had a bird-like fondness for picking up seeds and pecking at sugar ; Miss Lavinia looked on with benignant patronage , as if our happy love were all her work ; and we were perfectly contented with ourselves and one another . The gentle cheerfulness of Agnes went to all their hearts . Her quiet interest in everything that interested Dora ; her manner of making acquaintance with Jip ( who responded instantly ) ; her pleasant way , when Dora was ashamed to come over to her usual seat by me ; her modest grace and ease , eliciting a crowd of blushing little marks of confidence from Dora ; seemed to make our circle quite complete . 'I am so glad , ' said Dora , after tea , 'that you like me . I did n't think you would ; and I want , more than ever , to be liked , now Julia Mills is gone . ' I have omitted to mention it , by the by . Miss Mills had sailed , and Dora and I had gone aboard a great East Indiaman at Gravesend to see her ; and we had had preserved ginger , and guava , and other delicacies of that sort for lunch ; and we had left Miss Mills weeping on a camp-stool on the quarter-deck , with a large new diary under her arm , in which the original reflections awakened by the contemplation of Ocean were to be recorded under lock and key . Agnes said she was afraid I must have given her an unpromising character ; but Dora corrected that directly . 'Oh no ! ' she said , shaking her curls at me ; 'it was all praise . He thinks so much of your opinion , that I was quite afraid of it . ' 'My good opinion can not strengthen his attachment to some people whom he knows , ' said Agnes , with a smile ; 'it is not worth their having . ' 'But please let me have it , ' said Dora , in her coaxing way , 'if you can ! ' We made merry about Dora 's wanting to be liked , and Dora said I was a goose , and she did n't like me at any rate , and the short evening flew away on gossamer-wings . The time was at hand when the coach was to call for us . I was standing alone before the fire , when Dora came stealing softly in , to give me that usual precious little kiss before I went . 'Do n't you think , if I had had her for a friend a long time ago , Doady , ' said Dora , her bright eyes shining very brightly , and her little right hand idly busying itself with one of the buttons of my coat , 'I might have been more clever perhaps ? ' 'My love ! ' said I , 'what nonsense ! ' 'Do you think it is nonsense ? ' returned Dora , without looking at me . 'Are you sure it is ? ' 'Of course I am ! ' 'I have forgotten , ' said Dora , still turning the button round and round , 'what relation Agnes is to you , you dear bad boy . ' 'No blood-relation , ' I replied ; 'but we were brought up together , like brother and sister . ' 'I wonder why you ever fell in love with me ? ' said Dora , beginning on another button of my coat . 'Perhaps because I could n't see you , and not love you , Dora ! ' 'Suppose you had never seen me at all , ' said Dora , going to another button . 'Suppose we had never been born ! ' said I , gaily . I wondered what she was thinking about , as I glanced in admiring silence at the little soft hand travelling up the row of buttons on my coat , and at the clustering hair that lay against my breast , and at the lashes of her downcast eyes , slightly rising as they followed her idle fingers . At length her eyes were lifted up to mine , and she stood on tiptoe to give me , more thoughtfully than usual , that precious little kiss -- once , twice , three times -- and went out of the room . They all came back together within five minutes afterwards , and Dora's unusual thoughtfulness was quite gone then . She was laughingly resolved to put Jip through the whole of his performances , before the coach came . They took some time ( not so much on account of their variety , as Jip's reluctance ) , and were still unfinished when it was heard at the door . There was a hurried but affectionate parting between Agnes and herself ; and Dora was to write to Agnes ( who was not to mind her letters being foolish , she said ) , and Agnes was to write to Dora ; and they had a second parting at the coach door , and a third when Dora , in spite of the remonstrances of Miss Lavinia , would come running out once more to remind Agnes at the coach window about writing , and to shake her curls at me on the box . The stage-coach was to put us down near Covent Garden , where we were to take another stage-coach for Highgate . I was impatient for the short walk in the interval , that Agnes might praise Dora to me . Ah ! what praise it was ! How lovingly and fervently did it commend the pretty creature I had won , with all her artless graces best displayed , to my most gentle care ! How thoughtfully remind me , yet with no pretence of doing so , of the trust in which I held the orphan child ! Never , never , had I loved Dora so deeply and truly , as I loved her that night . When we had again alighted , and were walking in the starlight along the quiet road that led to the Doctor 's house , I told Agnes it was her doing . 'When you were sitting by her , ' said I , 'you seemed to be no less her guardian angel than mine ; and you seem so now , Agnes . ' 'A poor angel , ' she returned , 'but faithful . ' The clear tone of her voice , going straight to my heart , made it natural to me to say : 'The cheerfulness that belongs to you , Agnes ( and to no one else that ever I have seen ) , is so restored , I have observed today , that I have begun to hope you are happier at home ? ' 'I am happier in myself , ' she said ; 'I am quite cheerful and light-hearted . ' I glanced at the serene face looking upward , and thought it was the stars that made it seem so noble . 'There has been no change at home , ' said Agnes , after a few moments . 'No fresh reference , ' said I , 'to -- I would n't distress you , Agnes , but I can not help asking -- to what we spoke of , when we parted last ? ' 'No , none , ' she answered . 'I have thought so much about it . ' 'You must think less about it . Remember that I confide in simple love and truth at last . Have no apprehensions for me , Trotwood , ' she added , after a moment ; 'the step you dread my taking , I shall never take . ' Although I think I had never really feared it , in any season of cool reflection , it was an unspeakable relief to me to have this assurance from her own truthful lips . I told her so , earnestly . 'And when this visit is over , ' said I , -- 'for we may not be alone another time , -- how long is it likely to be , my dear Agnes , before you come to London again ? ' 'Probably a long time , ' she replied ; 'I think it will be best -- for papa 's sake -- to remain at home . We are not likely to meet often , for some time to come ; but I shall be a good correspondent of Dora 's , and we shall frequently hear of one another that way . ' We were now within the little courtyard of the Doctor 's cottage . It was growing late . There was a light in the window of Mrs. Strong 's chamber , and Agnes , pointing to it , bade me good night . 'Do not be troubled , ' she said , giving me her hand , 'by our misfortunes and anxieties . I can be happier in nothing than in your happiness . If you can ever give me help , rely upon it I will ask you for it . God bless you always ! ' In her beaming smile , and in these last tones of her cheerful voice , I seemed again to see and hear my little Dora in her company . I stood awhile , looking through the porch at the stars , with a heart full of love and gratitude , and then walked slowly forth . I had engaged a bed at a decent alehouse close by , and was going out at the gate , when , happening to turn my head , I saw a light in the Doctor's study . A half-reproachful fancy came into my mind , that he had been working at the Dictionary without my help . With the view of seeing if this were so , and , in any case , of bidding him good night , if he were yet sitting among his books , I turned back , and going softly across the hall , and gently opening the door , looked in . The first person whom I saw , to my surprise , by the sober light of the shaded lamp , was Uriah . He was standing close beside it , with one of his skeleton hands over his mouth , and the other resting on the Doctor's table . The Doctor sat in his study chair , covering his face with his hands . Mr. Wickfield , sorely troubled and distressed , was leaning forward , irresolutely touching the Doctor 's arm . For an instant , I supposed that the Doctor was ill . I hastily advanced a step under that impression , when I met Uriah 's eye , and saw what was the matter . I would have withdrawn , but the Doctor made a gesture to detain me , and I remained . 'At any rate , ' observed Uriah , with a writhe of his ungainly person , 'we may keep the door shut . We need n't make it known to ALL the town . ' Saying which , he went on his toes to the door , which I had left open , and carefully closed it . He then came back , and took up his former position . There was an obtrusive show of compassionate zeal in his voice and manner , more intolerable -- at least to me -- than any demeanour he could have assumed . 'I have felt it incumbent upon me , Master Copperfield , ' said Uriah , 'to point out to Doctor Strong what you and me have already talked about . You did n't exactly understand me , though ? ' I gave him a look , but no other answer ; and , going to my good old master , said a few words that I meant to be words of comfort and encouragement . He put his hand upon my shoulder , as it had been his custom to do when I was quite a little fellow , but did not lift his grey head . 'As you did n't understand me , Master Copperfield , ' resumed Uriah in the same officious manner , 'I may take the liberty of umbly mentioning , being among friends , that I have called Doctor Strong 's attention to the goings-on of Mrs. Strong . It 's much against the grain with me , I assure you , Copperfield , to be concerned in anything so unpleasant ; but really , as it is , we 're all mixing ourselves up with what ought n't to be . That was what my meaning was , sir , when you did n't understand me . ' I wonder now , when I recall his leer , that I did not collar him , and try to shake the breath out of his body . 'I dare say I did n't make myself very clear , ' he went on , 'nor you neither . Naturally , we was both of us inclined to give such a subject a wide berth . Hows'ever , at last I have made up my mind to speak plain ; and I have mentioned to Doctor Strong that -- did you speak , sir ? ' This was to the Doctor , who had moaned . The sound might have touched any heart , I thought , but it had no effect upon Uriah's. ' -- mentioned to Doctor Strong , ' he proceeded , 'that anyone may see that Mr. Maldon , and the lovely and agreeable lady as is Doctor Strong's wife , are too sweet on one another . Really the time is come ( we being at present all mixing ourselves up with what ought n't to be ) , when Doctor Strong must be told that this was full as plain to everybody as the sun , before Mr. Maldon went to India ; that Mr. Maldon made excuses to come back , for nothing else ; and that he 's always here , for nothing else . When you come in , sir , I was just putting it to my fellow-partner , ' towards whom he turned , 'to say to Doctor Strong upon his word and honour , whether he 'd ever been of this opinion long ago , or not . Come , Mr. Wickfield , sir ! Would you be so good as tell us ? Yes or no , sir ? Come , partner ! ' 'For God 's sake , my dear Doctor , ' said Mr. Wickfield again laying his irresolute hand upon the Doctor 's arm , 'do n't attach too much weight to any suspicions I may have entertained . ' 'There ! ' cried Uriah , shaking his head . 'What a melancholy confirmation : ai n't it ? Him ! Such an old friend ! Bless your soul , when I was nothing but a clerk in his office , Copperfield , I 've seen him twenty times , if I 've seen him once , quite in a taking about it -- quite put out , you know ( and very proper in him as a father ; I 'm sure I ca n't blame him ) , to think that Miss Agnes was mixing herself up with what ought n't to be . ' 'My dear Strong , ' said Mr. Wickfield in a tremulous voice , 'my good friend , I need n't tell you that it has been my vice to look for some one master motive in everybody , and to try all actions by one narrow test . I may have fallen into such doubts as I have had , through this mistake . ' 'You have had doubts , Wickfield , ' said the Doctor , without lifting up his head . 'You have had doubts . ' 'Speak up , fellow-partner , ' urged Uriah . 'I had , at one time , certainly , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'I -- God forgive me -- I thought YOU had . ' 'No , no , no ! ' returned the Doctor , in a tone of most pathetic grief . 'I thought , at one time , ' said Mr. Wickfield , 'that you wished to send Maldon abroad to effect a desirable separation . ' 'No , no , no ! ' returned the Doctor . 'To give Annie pleasure , by making some provision for the companion of her childhood . Nothing else . ' 'So I found , ' said Mr. Wickfield . 'I could n't doubt it , when you told me so . But I thought -- I implore you to remember the narrow construction which has been my besetting sin -- that , in a case where there was so much disparity in point of years -- ' 'That 's the way to put it , you see , Master Copperfield ! ' observed Uriah , with fawning and offensive pity. ' -- a lady of such youth , and such attractions , however real her respect for you , might have been influenced in marrying , by worldly considerations only . I make no allowance for innumerable feelings and circumstances that may have all tended to good . For Heaven 's sake remember that ! ' 'How kind he puts it ! ' said Uriah , shaking his head . 'Always observing her from one point of view , ' said Mr. Wickfield ; 'but by all that is dear to you , my old friend , I entreat you to consider what it was ; I am forced to confess now , having no escape-' 'No ! There 's no way out of it , Mr. Wickfield , sir , ' observed Uriah , 'when it 's got to this . ' ' -- that I did , ' said Mr. Wickfield , glancing helplessly and distractedly at his partner , 'that I did doubt her , and think her wanting in her duty to you ; and that I did sometimes , if I must say all , feel averse to Agnes being in such a familiar relation towards her , as to see what I saw , or in my diseased theory fancied that I saw . I never mentioned this to anyone . I never meant it to be known to anyone . And though it is terrible to you to hear , ' said Mr. Wickfield , quite subdued , 'if you knew how terrible it is for me to tell , you would feel compassion for me ! ' The Doctor , in the perfect goodness of his nature , put out his hand . Mr. Wickfield held it for a little while in his , with his head bowed down . 'I am sure , ' said Uriah , writhing himself into the silence like a Conger-eel , 'that this is a subject full of unpleasantness to everybody . But since we have got so far , I ought to take the liberty of mentioning that Copperfield has noticed it too . ' I turned upon him , and asked him how he dared refer to me ! 'Oh ! it 's very kind of you , Copperfield , ' returned Uriah , undulating all over , 'and we all know what an amiable character yours is ; but you know that the moment I spoke to you the other night , you knew what I meant . You know you knew what I meant , Copperfield . Do n't deny it ! You deny it with the best intentions ; but do n't do it , Copperfield . ' I saw the mild eye of the good old Doctor turned upon me for a moment , and I felt that the confession of my old misgivings and remembrances was too plainly written in my face to be overlooked . It was of no use raging . I could not undo that . Say what I would , I could not unsay it . We were silent again , and remained so , until the Doctor rose and walked twice or thrice across the room . Presently he returned to where his chair stood ; and , leaning on the back of it , and occasionally putting his handkerchief to his eyes , with a simple honesty that did him more honour , to my thinking , than any disguise he could have effected , said : 'I have been much to blame . I believe I have been very much to blame . I have exposed one whom I hold in my heart , to trials and aspersions -- I call them aspersions , even to have been conceived in anybody 's inmost mind -- of which she never , but for me , could have been the object . ' Uriah Heep gave a kind of snivel . I think to express sympathy . 'Of which my Annie , ' said the Doctor , 'never , but for me , could have been the object . Gentlemen , I am old now , as you know ; I do not feel , tonight , that I have much to live for . But my life -- my Life -- upon the truth and honour of the dear lady who has been the subject of this conversation ! ' I do not think that the best embodiment of chivalry , the realization of the handsomest and most romantic figure ever imagined by painter , could have said this , with a more impressive and affecting dignity than the plain old Doctor did . 'But I am not prepared , ' he went on , 'to deny -- perhaps I may have been , without knowing it , in some degree prepared to admit -- that I may have unwittingly ensnared that lady into an unhappy marriage . I am a man quite unaccustomed to observe ; and I can not but believe that the observation of several people , of different ages and positions , all too plainly tending in one direction ( and that so natural ) , is better than mine . ' I had often admired , as I have elsewhere described , his benignant manner towards his youthful wife ; but the respectful tenderness he manifested in every reference to her on this occasion , and the almost reverential manner in which he put away from him the lightest doubt of her integrity , exalted him , in my eyes , beyond description . 'I married that lady , ' said the Doctor , 'when she was extremely young . I took her to myself when her character was scarcely formed . So far as it was developed , it had been my happiness to form it . I knew her father well . I knew her well . I had taught her what I could , for the love of all her beautiful and virtuous qualities . If I did her wrong ; as I fear I did , in taking advantage ( but I never meant it ) of her gratitude and her affection ; I ask pardon of that lady , in my heart ! ' He walked across the room , and came back to the same place ; holding the chair with a grasp that trembled , like his subdued voice , in its earnestness . 'I regarded myself as a refuge , for her , from the dangers and vicissitudes of life . I persuaded myself that , unequal though we were in years , she would live tranquilly and contentedly with me . I did not shut out of my consideration the time when I should leave her free , and still young and still beautiful , but with her judgement more matured -- no , gentlemen -- upon my truth ! ' His homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and generosity . Every word he uttered had a force that no other grace could have imparted to it . 'My life with this lady has been very happy . Until tonight , I have had uninterrupted occasion to bless the day on which I did her great injustice . ' His voice , more and more faltering in the utterance of these words , stopped for a few moments ; then he went on : 'Once awakened from my dream -- I have been a poor dreamer , in one way or other , all my life -- I see how natural it is that she should have some regretful feeling towards her old companion and her equal . That she does regard him with some innocent regret , with some blameless thoughts of what might have been , but for me , is , I fear , too true . Much that I have seen , but not noted , has come back upon me with new meaning , during this last trying hour . But , beyond this , gentlemen , the dear lady 's name never must be coupled with a word , a breath , of doubt . ' For a little while , his eye kindled and his voice was firm ; for a little while he was again silent . Presently , he proceeded as before : 'It only remains for me , to bear the knowledge of the unhappiness I have occasioned , as submissively as I can . It is she who should reproach ; not I . To save her from misconstruction , cruel misconstruction , that even my friends have not been able to avoid , becomes my duty . The more retired we live , the better I shall discharge it . And when the time comes -- may it come soon , if it be His merciful pleasure ! -- when my death shall release her from constraint , I shall close my eyes upon her honoured face , with unbounded confidence and love ; and leave her , with no sorrow then , to happier and brighter days . ' I could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and goodness , so adorned by , and so adorning , the perfect simplicity of his manner , brought into my eyes . He had moved to the door , when he added : 'Gentlemen , I have shown you my heart . I am sure you will respect it . What we have said tonight is never to be said more . Wickfield , give me an old friend 's arm upstairs ! ' Mr. Wickfield hastened to him . Without interchanging a word they went slowly out of the room together , Uriah looking after them . 'Well , Master Copperfield ! ' said Uriah , meekly turning to me . 'The thing has n't took quite the turn that might have been expected , for the old Scholar -- what an excellent man ! -- is as blind as a brickbat ; but this family 's out of the cart , I think ! ' I needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as I never was before , and never have been since . 'You villain , ' said I , 'what do you mean by entrapping me into your schemes ? How dare you appeal to me just now , you false rascal , as if we had been in discussion together ? ' As we stood , front to front , I saw so plainly , in the stealthy exultation of his face , what I already so plainly knew ; I mean that he forced his confidence upon me , expressly to make me miserable , and had set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter ; that I could n't bear it . The whole of his lank cheek was invitingly before me , and I struck it with my open hand with that force that my fingers tingled as if I had burnt them . He caught the hand in his , and we stood in that connexion , looking at each other . We stood so , a long time ; long enough for me to see the white marks of my fingers die out of the deep red of his cheek , and leave it a deeper red . 'Copperfield , ' he said at length , in a breathless voice , 'have you taken leave of your senses ? ' 'I have taken leave of you , ' said I , wresting my hand away . 'You dog , I 'll know no more of you . ' 'Wo n't you ? ' said he , constrained by the pain of his cheek to put his hand there . 'Perhaps you wo n't be able to help it . Is n't this ungrateful of you , now ? ' 'I have shown you often enough , ' said I , 'that I despise you . I have shown you now , more plainly , that I do . Why should I dread your doing your worst to all about you ? What else do you ever do ? ' He perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that had hitherto restrained me in my communications with him . I rather think that neither the blow , nor the allusion , would have escaped me , but for the assurance I had had from Agnes that night . It is no matter . There was another long pause . His eyes , as he looked at me , seemed to take every shade of colour that could make eyes ugly . 'Copperfield , ' he said , removing his hand from his cheek , 'you have always gone against me . I know you always used to be against me at Mr . Wickfield 's . ' 'You may think what you like , ' said I , still in a towering rage . 'If it is not true , so much the worthier you . ' 'And yet I always liked you , Copperfield ! ' he rejoined . I deigned to make him no reply ; and , taking up my hat , was going out to bed , when he came between me and the door . 'Copperfield , ' he said , 'there must be two parties to a quarrel . I won't be one . ' 'You may go to the devil ! ' said I . 'Do n't say that ! ' he replied . 'I know you 'll be sorry afterwards . How can you make yourself so inferior to me , as to show such a bad spirit ? But I forgive you . ' 'You forgive me ! ' I repeated disdainfully . 'I do , and you ca n't help yourself , ' replied Uriah . 'To think of your going and attacking me , that have always been a friend to you ! But there ca n't be a quarrel without two parties , and I wo n't be one . I will be a friend to you , in spite of you . So now you know what you 've got to expect . ' The necessity of carrying on this dialogue ( his part in which was very slow ; mine very quick ) in a low tone , that the house might not be disturbed at an unseasonable hour , did not improve my temper ; though my passion was cooling down . Merely telling him that I should expect from him what I always had expected , and had never yet been disappointed in , I opened the door upon him , as if he had been a great walnut put there to be cracked , and went out of the house . But he slept out of the house too , at his mother 's lodging ; and before I had gone many hundred yards , came up with me . 'You know , Copperfield , ' he said , in my ear ( I did not turn my head ) , 'you 're in quite a wrong position ' ; which I felt to be true , and that made me chafe the more ; 'you ca n't make this a brave thing , and you ca n't help being forgiven . I do n't intend to mention it to mother , nor to any living soul . I 'm determined to forgive you . But I do wonder that you should lift your hand against a person that you knew to be so umble ! ' I felt only less mean than he . He knew me better than I knew myself . If he had retorted or openly exasperated me , it would have been a relief and a justification ; but he had put me on a slow fire , on which I lay tormented half the night . In the morning , when I came out , the early church-bell was ringing , and he was walking up and down with his mother . He addressed me as if nothing had happened , and I could do no less than reply . I had struck him hard enough to give him the toothache , I suppose . At all events his face was tied up in a black silk handkerchief , which , with his hat perched on the top of it , was far from improving his appearance . I heard that he went to a dentist 's in London on the Monday morning , and had a tooth out . I hope it was a double one . The Doctor gave out that he was not quite well ; and remained alone , for a considerable part of every day , during the remainder of the visit . Agnes and her father had been gone a week , before we resumed our usual work . On the day preceding its resumption , the Doctor gave me with his own hands a folded note not sealed . It was addressed to myself ; and laid an injunction on me , in a few affectionate words , never to refer to the subject of that evening . I had confided it to my aunt , but to no one else . It was not a subject I could discuss with Agnes , and Agnes certainly had not the least suspicion of what had passed . Neither , I felt convinced , had Mrs. Strong then . Several weeks elapsed before I saw the least change in her . It came on slowly , like a cloud when there is no wind . At first , she seemed to wonder at the gentle compassion with which the Doctor spoke to her , and at his wish that she should have her mother with her , to relieve the dull monotony of her life . Often , when we were at work , and she was sitting by , I would see her pausing and looking at him with that memorable face . Afterwards , I sometimes observed her rise , with her eyes full of tears , and go out of the room . Gradually , an unhappy shadow fell upon her beauty , and deepened every day . Mrs. Markleham was a regular inmate of the cottage then ; but she talked and talked , and saw nothing . As this change stole on Annie , once like sunshine in the Doctor 's house , the Doctor became older in appearance , and more grave ; but the sweetness of his temper , the placid kindness of his manner , and his benevolent solicitude for her , if they were capable of any increase , were increased . I saw him once , early on the morning of her birthday , when she came to sit in the window while we were at work ( which she had always done , but now began to do with a timid and uncertain air that I thought very touching ) , take her forehead between his hands , kiss it , and go hurriedly away , too much moved to remain . I saw her stand where he had left her , like a statue ; and then bend down her head , and clasp her hands , and weep , I can not say how sorrowfully . Sometimes , after that , I fancied that she tried to speak even to me , in intervals when we were left alone . But she never uttered a word . The Doctor always had some new project for her participating in amusements away from home , with her mother ; and Mrs. Markleham , who was very fond of amusements , and very easily dissatisfied with anything else , entered into them with great good-will , and was loud in her commendations . But Annie , in a spiritless unhappy way , only went whither she was led , and seemed to have no care for anything . I did not know what to think . Neither did my aunt ; who must have walked , at various times , a hundred miles in her uncertainty . What was strangest of all was , that the only real relief which seemed to make its way into the secret region of this domestic unhappiness , made its way there in the person of Mr. Dick . What his thoughts were on the subject , or what his observation was , I am as unable to explain , as I dare say he would have been to assist me in the task . But , as I have recorded in the narrative of my school days , his veneration for the Doctor was unbounded ; and there is a subtlety of perception in real attachment , even when it is borne towards man by one of the lower animals , which leaves the highest intellect behind . To this mind of the heart , if I may call it so , in Mr. Dick , some bright ray of the truth shot straight . He had proudly resumed his privilege , in many of his spare hours , of walking up and down the garden with the Doctor ; as he had been accustomed to pace up and down The Doctor 's Walk at Canterbury . But matters were no sooner in this state , than he devoted all his spare time ( and got up earlier to make it more ) to these perambulations . If he had never been so happy as when the Doctor read that marvellous performance , the Dictionary , to him ; he was now quite miserable unless the Doctor pulled it out of his pocket , and began . When the Doctor and I were engaged , he now fell into the custom of walking up and down with Mrs. Strong , and helping her to trim her favourite flowers , or weed the beds . I dare say he rarely spoke a dozen words in an hour : but his quiet interest , and his wistful face , found immediate response in both their breasts ; each knew that the other liked him , and that he loved both ; and he became what no one else could be -- a link between them . When I think of him , with his impenetrably wise face , walking up and down with the Doctor , delighted to be battered by the hard words in the Dictionary ; when I think of him carrying huge watering-pots after Annie ; kneeling down , in very paws of gloves , at patient microscopic work among the little leaves ; expressing as no philosopher could have expressed , in everything he did , a delicate desire to be her friend ; showering sympathy , trustfulness , and affection , out of every hole in the watering-pot ; when I think of him never wandering in that better mind of his to which unhappiness addressed itself , never bringing the unfortunate King Charles into the garden , never wavering in his grateful service , never diverted from his knowledge that there was something wrong , or from his wish to set it right -- I really feel almost ashamed of having known that he was not quite in his wits , taking account of the utmost I have done with mine . 'Nobody but myself , Trot , knows what that man is ! ' my aunt would proudly remark , when we conversed about it . 'Dick will distinguish himself yet ! ' I must refer to one other topic before I close this
chapter . While the visit at the Doctor 's was still in progress , I observed that the postman brought two or three letters every morning for Uriah Heep , who remained at Highgate until the rest went back , it being a leisure time ; and that these were always directed in a business-like manner by Mr. Micawber , who now assumed a round legal hand . I was glad to infer , from these slight premises , that Mr. Micawber was doing well ; and consequently was much surprised to receive , about this time , the following letter from his amiable wife . 'CANTERBURY , Monday Evening . 'You will doubtless be surprised , my dear Mr. Copperfield , to receive this communication . Still more so , by its contents . Still more so , by the stipulation of implicit confidence which I beg to impose . But my feelings as a wife and mother require relief ; and as I do not wish to consult my family ( already obnoxious to the feelings of Mr. Micawber ) , I know no one of whom I can better ask advice than my friend and former lodger . 'You may be aware , my dear Mr. Copperfield , that between myself and Mr. Micawber ( whom I will never desert ) , there has always been preserved a spirit of mutual confidence . Mr. Micawber may have occasionally given a bill without consulting me , or he may have misled me as to the period when that obligation would become due . This has actually happened . But , in general , Mr. Micawber has had no secrets from the bosom of affection -- I allude to his wife -- and has invariably , on our retirement to rest , recalled the events of the day . 'You will picture to yourself , my dear Mr. Copperfield , what the poignancy of my feelings must be , when I inform you that Mr. Micawber is entirely changed . He is reserved . He is secret . His life is a mystery to the partner of his joys and sorrows -- I again allude to his wife -- and if I should assure you that beyond knowing that it is passed from morning to night at the office , I now know less of it than I do of the man in the south , connected with whose mouth the thoughtless children repeat an idle tale respecting cold plum porridge , I should adopt a popular fallacy to express an actual fact . 'But this is not all . Mr. Micawber is morose . He is severe . He is estranged from our eldest son and daughter , he has no pride in his twins , he looks with an eye of coldness even on the unoffending stranger who last became a member of our circle . The pecuniary means of meeting our expenses , kept down to the utmost farthing , are obtained from him with great difficulty , and even under fearful threats that he will Settle himself ( the exact expression ) ; and he inexorably refuses to give any explanation whatever of this distracting policy . 'This is hard to bear . This is heart-breaking . If you will advise me , knowing my feeble powers such as they are , how you think it will be best to exert them in a dilemma so unwonted , you will add another friendly obligation to the many you have already rendered me . With loves from the children , and a smile from the happily-unconscious stranger , I remain , dear Mr. Copperfield , Your afflicted , 'EMMA MICAWBER . ' I did not feel justified in giving a wife of Mrs. Micawber 's experience any other recommendation , than that she should try to reclaim Mr. Micawber by patience and kindness ( as I knew she would in any case ) ; but the letter set me thinking about him very much . CHAPTER 43 . ANOTHER RETROSPECT Once again , let me pause upon a memorable period of my life . Let me stand aside , to see the phantoms of those days go by me , accompanying the shadow of myself , in dim procession . Weeks , months , seasons , pass along . They seem little more than a summer day and a winter evening . Now , the Common where I walk with Dora is all in bloom , a field of bright gold ; and now the unseen heather lies in mounds and bunches underneath a covering of snow . In a breath , the river that flows through our Sunday walks is sparkling in the summer sun , is ruffled by the winter wind , or thickened with drifting heaps of ice . Faster than ever river ran towards the sea , it flashes , darkens , and rolls away . Not a thread changes , in the house of the two little bird-like ladies . The clock ticks over the fireplace , the weather-glass hangs in the hall . Neither clock nor weather-glass is ever right ; but we believe in both , devoutly . I have come legally to man 's estate . I have attained the dignity of twenty-one . But this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust upon one . Let me think what I have achieved . I have tamed that savage stenographic mystery . I make a respectable income by it . I am in high repute for my accomplishment in all pertaining to the art , and am joined with eleven others in reporting the debates in Parliament for a Morning Newspaper . Night after night , I record predictions that never come to pass , professions that are never fulfilled , explanations that are only meant to mystify . I wallow in words . Britannia , that unfortunate female , is always before me , like a trussed fowl : skewered through and through with office-pens , and bound hand and foot with red tape . I am sufficiently behind the scenes to know the worth of political life . I am quite an Infidel about it , and shall never be converted . My dear old Traddles has tried his hand at the same pursuit , but it is not in Traddles 's way . He is perfectly good-humoured respecting his failure , and reminds me that he always did consider himself slow . He has occasional employment on the same newspaper , in getting up the facts of dry subjects , to be written about and embellished by more fertile minds . He is called to the bar ; and with admirable industry and self-denial has scraped another hundred pounds together , to fee a Conveyancer whose chambers he attends . A great deal of very hot port wine was consumed at his call ; and , considering the figure , I should think the Inner Temple must have made a profit by it . I have come out in another way . I have taken with fear and trembling to authorship . I wrote a little something , in secret , and sent it to a magazine , and it was published in the magazine . Since then , I have taken heart to write a good many trifling pieces . Now , I am regularly paid for them . Altogether , I am well off , when I tell my income on the fingers of my left hand , I pass the third finger and take in the fourth to the middle joint . We have removed , from Buckingham Street , to a pleasant little cottage very near the one I looked at , when my enthusiasm first came on . My aunt , however ( who has sold the house at Dover , to good advantage ) , is not going to remain here , but intends removing herself to a still more tiny cottage close at hand . What does this portend ? My marriage ? Yes ! Yes ! I am going to be married to Dora ! Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa have given their consent ; and if ever canary birds were in a flutter , they are . Miss Lavinia , self-charged with the superintendence of my darling 's wardrobe , is constantly cutting out brown-paper cuirasses , and differing in opinion from a highly respectable young man , with a long bundle , and a yard measure under his arm . A dressmaker , always stabbed in the breast with a needle and thread , boards and lodges in the house ; and seems to me , eating , drinking , or sleeping , never to take her thimble off . They make a lay-figure of my dear . They are always sending for her to come and try something on . We ca n't be happy together for five minutes in the evening , but some intrusive female knocks at the door , and says , 'Oh , if you please , Miss Dora , would you step upstairs ! ' Miss Clarissa and my aunt roam all over London , to find out articles of furniture for Dora and me to look at . It would be better for them to buy the goods at once , without this ceremony of inspection ; for , when we go to see a kitchen fender and meat-screen , Dora sees a Chinese house for Jip , with little bells on the top , and prefers that . And it takes a long time to accustom Jip to his new residence , after we have bought it ; whenever he goes in or out , he makes all the little bells ring , and is horribly frightened . Peggotty comes up to make herself useful , and falls to work immediately . Her department appears to be , to clean everything over and over again . She rubs everything that can be rubbed , until it shines , like her own honest forehead , with perpetual friction . And now it is , that I begin to see her solitary brother passing through the dark streets at night , and looking , as he goes , among the wandering faces . I never speak to him at such an hour . I know too well , as his grave figure passes onward , what he seeks , and what he dreads . Why does Traddles look so important when he calls upon me this afternoon in the Commons -- where I still occasionally attend , for form 's sake , when I have time ? The realization of my boyish day-dreams is at hand . I am going to take out the licence . It is a little document to do so much ; and Traddles contemplates it , as it lies upon my desk , half in admiration , half in awe . There are the names , in the sweet old visionary connexion , David Copperfield and Dora Spenlow ; and there , in the corner , is that Parental Institution , the Stamp Office , which is so benignantly interested in the various transactions of human life , looking down upon our Union ; and there is the Archbishop of Canterbury invoking a blessing on us in print , and doing it as cheap as could possibly be expected . Nevertheless , I am in a dream , a flustered , happy , hurried dream . I ca n't believe that it is going to be ; and yet I ca n't believe but that everyone I pass in the street , must have some kind of perception , that I am to be married the day after tomorrow . The Surrogate knows me , when I go down to be sworn ; and disposes of me easily , as if there were a Masonic understanding between us . Traddles is not at all wanted , but is in attendance as my general backer . 'I hope the next time you come here , my dear fellow , ' I say to Traddles , 'it will be on the same errand for yourself . And I hope it will be soon . ' 'Thank you for your good wishes , my dear Copperfield , ' he replies . 'I hope so too . It 's a satisfaction to know that she 'll wait for me any length of time , and that she really is the dearest girl -- ' 'When are you to meet her at the coach ? ' I ask . 'At seven , ' says Traddles , looking at his plain old silver watch -- the very watch he once took a wheel out of , at school , to make a water-mill . 'That is about Miss Wickfield 's time , is it not ? ' 'A little earlier . Her time is half past eight . ' 'I assure you , my dear boy , ' says Traddles , 'I am almost as pleased as if I were going to be married myself , to think that this event is coming to such a happy termination . And really the great friendship and consideration of personally associating Sophy with the joyful occasion , and inviting her to be a bridesmaid in conjunction with Miss Wickfield , demands my warmest thanks . I am extremely sensible of it . ' I hear him , and shake hands with him ; and we talk , and walk , and dine , and so on ; but I do n't believe it . Nothing is real . Sophy arrives at the house of Dora 's aunts , in due course . She has the most agreeable of faces , -- not absolutely beautiful , but extraordinarily pleasant , -- and is one of the most genial , unaffected , frank , engaging creatures I have ever seen . Traddles presents her to us with great pride ; and rubs his hands for ten minutes by the clock , with every individual hair upon his head standing on tiptoe , when I congratulate him in a corner on his choice . I have brought Agnes from the Canterbury coach , and her cheerful and beautiful face is among us for the second time . Agnes has a great liking for Traddles , and it is capital to see them meet , and to observe the glory of Traddles as he commends the dearest girl in the world to her acquaintance . Still I do n't believe it . We have a delightful evening , and are supremely happy ; but I do n't believe it yet . I ca n't collect myself . I ca n't check off my happiness as it takes place . I feel in a misty and unsettled kind of state ; as if I had got up very early in the morning a week or two ago , and had never been to bed since . I ca n't make out when yesterday was . I seem to have been carrying the licence about , in my pocket , many months . Next day , too , when we all go in a flock to see the house -- our house -- Dora 's and mine -- I am quite unable to regard myself as its master . I seem to be there , by permission of somebody else . I half expect the real master to come home presently , and say he is glad to see me . Such a beautiful little house as it is , with everything so bright and new ; with the flowers on the carpets looking as if freshly gathered , and the green leaves on the paper as if they had just come out ; with the spotless muslin curtains , and the blushing rose-coloured furniture , and Dora 's garden hat with the blue ribbon -- do I remember , now , how I loved her in such another hat when I first knew her ! -- already hanging on its little peg ; the guitar-case quite at home on its heels in a corner ; and everybody tumbling over Jip 's pagoda , which is much too big for the establishment . Another happy evening , quite as unreal as all the rest of it , and I steal into the usual room before going away . Dora is not there . I suppose they have not done trying on yet . Miss Lavinia peeps in , and tells me mysteriously that she will not be long . She is rather long , notwithstanding ; but by and by I hear a rustling at the door , and someone taps . I say , 'Come in ! ' but someone taps again . I go to the door , wondering who it is ; there , I meet a pair of bright eyes , and a blushing face ; they are Dora 's eyes and face , and Miss Lavinia has dressed her in tomorrow 's dress , bonnet and all , for me to see . I take my little wife to my heart ; and Miss Lavinia gives a little scream because I tumble the bonnet , and Dora laughs and cries at once , because I am so pleased ; and I believe it less than ever . 'Do you think it pretty , Doady ? ' says Dora . Pretty ! I should rather think I did . 'And are you sure you like me very much ? ' says Dora . The topic is fraught with such danger to the bonnet , that Miss Lavinia gives another little scream , and begs me to understand that Dora is only to be looked at , and on no account to be touched . So Dora stands in a delightful state of confusion for a minute or two , to be admired ; and then takes off her bonnet -- looking so natural without it ! -- and runs away with it in her hand ; and comes dancing down again in her own familiar dress , and asks Jip if I have got a beautiful little wife , and whether he 'll forgive her for being married , and kneels down to make him stand upon the cookery-book , for the last time in her single life . I go home , more incredulous than ever , to a lodging that I have hard by ; and get up very early in the morning , to ride to the Highgate road and fetch my aunt . I have never seen my aunt in such state . She is dressed in lavender-coloured silk , and has a white bonnet on , and is amazing . Janet has dressed her , and is there to look at me . Peggotty is ready to go to church , intending to behold the ceremony from the gallery . Mr. Dick , who is to give my darling to me at the altar , has had his hair curled . Traddles , whom I have taken up by appointment at the turnpike , presents a dazzling combination of cream colour and light blue ; and both he and Mr. Dick have a general effect about them of being all gloves . No doubt I see this , because I know it is so ; but I am astray , and seem to see nothing . Nor do I believe anything whatever . Still , as we drive along in an open carriage , this fairy marriage is real enough to fill me with a sort of wondering pity for the unfortunate people who have no part in it , but are sweeping out the shops , and going to their daily occupations . My aunt sits with my hand in hers all the way . When we stop a little way short of the church , to put down Peggotty , whom we have brought on the box , she gives it a squeeze , and me a kiss . 'God bless you , Trot ! My own boy never could be dearer . I think of poor dear Baby this morning . ' 'So do I . And of all I owe to you , dear aunt . ' 'Tut , child ! ' says my aunt ; and gives her hand in overflowing cordiality to Traddles , who then gives his to Mr. Dick , who then gives his to me , who then gives mine to Traddles , and then we come to the church door . The church is calm enough , I am sure ; but it might be a steam-power loom in full action , for any sedative effect it has on me . I am too far gone for that . The rest is all a more or less incoherent dream . A dream of their coming in with Dora ; of the pew-opener arranging us , like a drill-sergeant , before the altar rails ; of my wondering , even then , why pew-openers must always be the most disagreeable females procurable , and whether there is any religious dread of a disastrous infection of good-humour which renders it indispensable to set those vessels of vinegar upon the road to Heaven . Of the clergyman and clerk appearing ; of a few boatmen and some other people strolling in ; of an ancient mariner behind me , strongly flavouring the church with rum ; of the service beginning in a deep voice , and our all being very attentive . Of Miss Lavinia , who acts as a semi-auxiliary bridesmaid , being the first to cry , and of her doing homage ( as I take it ) to the memory of Pidger , in sobs ; of Miss Clarissa applying a smelling-bottle ; of Agnes taking care of Dora ; of my aunt endeavouring to represent herself as a model of sternness , with tears rolling down her face ; of little Dora trembling very much , and making her responses in faint whispers . Of our kneeling down together , side by side ; of Dora 's trembling less and less , but always clasping Agnes by the hand ; of the service being got through , quietly and gravely ; of our all looking at each other in an April state of smiles and tears , when it is over ; of my young wife being hysterical in the vestry , and crying for her poor papa , her dear papa . Of her soon cheering up again , and our signing the register all round . Of my going into the gallery for Peggotty to bring her to sign it ; of Peggotty 's hugging me in a corner , and telling me she saw my own dear mother married ; of its being over , and our going away . Of my walking so proudly and lovingly down the aisle with my sweet wife upon my arm , through a mist of half-seen people , pulpits , monuments , pews , fonts , organs , and church windows , in which there flutter faint airs of association with my childish church at home , so long ago . Of their whispering , as we pass , what a youthful couple we are , and what a pretty little wife she is . Of our all being so merry and talkative in the carriage going back . Of Sophy telling us that when she saw Traddles ( whom I had entrusted with the licence ) asked for it , she almost fainted , having been convinced that he would contrive to lose it , or to have his pocket picked . Of Agnes laughing gaily ; and of Dora being so fond of Agnes that she will not be separated from her , but still keeps her hand . Of there being a breakfast , with abundance of things , pretty and substantial , to eat and drink , whereof I partake , as I should do in any other dream , without the least perception of their flavour ; eating and drinking , as I may say , nothing but love and marriage , and no more believing in the viands than in anything else . Of my making a speech in the same dreamy fashion , without having an idea of what I want to say , beyond such as may be comprehended in the full conviction that I have n't said it . Of our being very sociably and simply happy ( always in a dream though ) ; and of Jip 's having wedding cake , and its not agreeing with him afterwards . Of the pair of hired post-horses being ready , and of Dora 's going away to change her dress . Of my aunt and Miss Clarissa remaining with us ; and our walking in the garden ; and my aunt , who has made quite a speech at breakfast touching Dora 's aunts , being mightily amused with herself , but a little proud of it too . Of Dora 's being ready , and of Miss Lavinia 's hovering about her , loth to lose the pretty toy that has given her so much pleasant occupation . Of Dora 's making a long series of surprised discoveries that she has forgotten all sorts of little things ; and of everybody 's running everywhere to fetch them . Of their all closing about Dora , when at last she begins to say good-bye , looking , with their bright colours and ribbons , like a bed of flowers . Of my darling being almost smothered among the flowers , and coming out , laughing and crying both together , to my jealous arms . Of my wanting to carry Jip ( who is to go along with us ) , and Dora's saying no , that she must carry him , or else he 'll think she do n't like him any more , now she is married , and will break his heart . Of our going , arm in arm , and Dora stopping and looking back , and saying , 'If I have ever been cross or ungrateful to anybody , do n't remember it ! ' and bursting into tears . Of her waving her little hand , and our going away once more . Of her once more stopping , and looking back , and hurrying to Agnes , and giving Agnes , above all the others , her last kisses and farewells . We drive away together , and I awake from the dream . I believe it at last . It is my dear , dear , little wife beside me , whom I love so well ! 'Are you happy now , you foolish boy ? ' says Dora , 'and sure you don't repent ? ' I have stood aside to see the phantoms of those days go by me . They are gone , and I resume the journey of my story . CHAPTER 44 . OUR HOUSEKEEPING It was a strange condition of things , the honeymoon being over , and the bridesmaids gone home , when I found myself sitting down in my own small house with Dora ; quite thrown out of employment , as I may say , in respect of the delicious old occupation of making love . It seemed such an extraordinary thing to have Dora always there . It was so unaccountable not to be obliged to go out to see her , not to have any occasion to be tormenting myself about her , not to have to write to her , not to be scheming and devising opportunities of being alone with her . Sometimes of an evening , when I looked up from my writing , and saw her seated opposite , I would lean back in my chair , and think how queer it was that there we were , alone together as a matter of course -- nobody's business any more -- all the romance of our engagement put away upon a shelf , to rust -- no one to please but one another -- one another to please , for life . When there was a debate , and I was kept out very late , it seemed so strange to me , as I was walking home , to think that Dora was at home ! It was such a wonderful thing , at first , to have her coming softly down to talk to me as I ate my supper . It was such a stupendous thing to know for certain that she put her hair in papers . It was altogether such an astonishing event to see her do it ! I doubt whether two young birds could have known less about keeping house , than I and my pretty Dora did . We had a servant , of course . She kept house for us . I have still a latent belief that she must have been Mrs. Crupp 's daughter in disguise , we had such an awful time of it with Mary Anne . Her name was Paragon . Her nature was represented to us , when we engaged her , as being feebly expressed in her name . She had a written character , as large as a proclamation ; and , according to this document , could do everything of a domestic nature that ever I heard of , and a great many things that I never did hear of . She was a woman in the prime of life ; of a severe countenance ; and subject ( particularly in the arms ) to a sort of perpetual measles or fiery rash . She had a cousin in the Life-Guards , with such long legs that he looked like the afternoon shadow of somebody else . His shell-jacket was as much too little for him as he was too big for the premises . He made the cottage smaller than it need have been , by being so very much out of proportion to it . Besides which , the walls were not thick , and , whenever he passed the evening at our house , we always knew of it by hearing one continual growl in the kitchen . Our treasure was warranted sober and honest . I am therefore willing to believe that she was in a fit when we found her under the boiler ; and that the deficient tea-spoons were attributable to the dustman . But she preyed upon our minds dreadfully . We felt our inexperience , and were unable to help ourselves . We should have been at her mercy , if she had had any ; but she was a remorseless woman , and had none . She was the cause of our first little quarrel . 'My dearest life , ' I said one day to Dora , 'do you think Mary Anne has any idea of time ? ' 'Why , Doady ? ' inquired Dora , looking up , innocently , from her drawing . 'My love , because it 's five , and we were to have dined at four . ' Dora glanced wistfully at the clock , and hinted that she thought it was too fast . 'On the contrary , my love , ' said I , referring to my watch , 'it 's a few minutes too slow . ' My little wife came and sat upon my knee , to coax me to be quiet , and drew a line with her pencil down the middle of my nose ; but I couldn't dine off that , though it was very agreeable . 'Do n't you think , my dear , ' said I , 'it would be better for you to remonstrate with Mary Anne ? ' 'Oh no , please ! I could n't , Doady ! ' said Dora . 'Why not , my love ? ' I gently asked . 'Oh , because I am such a little goose , ' said Dora , 'and she knows I am ! ' I thought this sentiment so incompatible with the establishment of any system of check on Mary Anne , that I frowned a little . 'Oh , what ugly wrinkles in my bad boy 's forehead ! ' said Dora , and still being on my knee , she traced them with her pencil ; putting it to her rosy lips to make it mark blacker , and working at my forehead with a quaint little mockery of being industrious , that quite delighted me in spite of myself . 'There 's a good child , ' said Dora , 'it makes its face so much prettier to laugh . ' 'But , my love , ' said I . 'No , no ! please ! ' cried Dora , with a kiss , 'do n't be a naughty Blue Beard ! Do n't be serious ! ' 'My precious wife , ' said I , 'we must be serious sometimes . Come ! Sit down on this chair , close beside me ! Give me the pencil ! There ! Now let us talk sensibly . You know , dear ' ; what a little hand it was to hold , and what a tiny wedding-ring it was to see ! 'You know , my love , it is not exactly comfortable to have to go out without one 's dinner . Now , is it ? ' 'N-n-no ! ' replied Dora , faintly . 'My love , how you tremble ! ' 'Because I KNOW you 're going to scold me , ' exclaimed Dora , in a piteous voice . 'My sweet , I am only going to reason . ' 'Oh , but reasoning is worse than scolding ! ' exclaimed Dora , in despair . 'I did n't marry to be reasoned with . If you meant to reason with such a poor little thing as I am , you ought to have told me so , you cruel boy ! ' I tried to pacify Dora , but she turned away her face , and shook her curls from side to side , and said , 'You cruel , cruel boy ! ' so many times , that I really did not exactly know what to do : so I took a few turns up and down the room in my uncertainty , and came back again . 'Dora , my darling ! ' 'No , I am not your darling . Because you must be sorry that you married me , or else you would n't reason with me ! ' returned Dora . I felt so injured by the inconsequential nature of this charge , that it gave me courage to be grave . 'Now , my own Dora , ' said I , 'you are very childish , and are talking nonsense . You must remember , I am sure , that I was obliged to go out yesterday when dinner was half over ; and that , the day before , I was made quite unwell by being obliged to eat underdone veal in a hurry ; today , I do n't dine at all -- and I am afraid to say how long we waited for breakfast -- and then the water did n't boil . I do n't mean to reproach you , my dear , but this is not comfortable . ' 'Oh , you cruel , cruel boy , to say I am a disagreeable wife ! ' cried Dora . 'Now , my dear Dora , you must know that I never said that ! ' 'You said , I was n't comfortable ! ' cried Dora . 'I said the housekeeping was not comfortable ! ' 'It 's exactly the same thing ! ' cried Dora . And she evidently thought so , for she wept most grievously . I took another turn across the room , full of love for my pretty wife , and distracted by self-accusatory inclinations to knock my head against the door . I sat down again , and said : 'I am not blaming you , Dora . We have both a great deal to learn . I am only trying to show you , my dear , that you must -- you really must ' ( I was resolved not to give this up ) -- 'accustom yourself to look after Mary Anne . Likewise to act a little for yourself , and me . ' 'I wonder , I do , at your making such ungrateful speeches , ' sobbed Dora . 'When you know that the other day , when you said you would like a little bit of fish , I went out myself , miles and miles , and ordered it , to surprise you . ' 'And it was very kind of you , my own darling , ' said I . 'I felt it so much that I would n't on any account have even mentioned that you bought a Salmon -- which was too much for two . Or that it cost one pound six -- which was more than we can afford . ' 'You enjoyed it very much , ' sobbed Dora . 'And you said I was a Mouse . ' 'And I 'll say so again , my love , ' I returned , 'a thousand times ! ' But I had wounded Dora 's soft little heart , and she was not to be comforted . She was so pathetic in her sobbing and bewailing , that I felt as if I had said I do n't know what to hurt her . I was obliged to hurry away ; I was kept out late ; and I felt all night such pangs of remorse as made me miserable . I had the conscience of an assassin , and was haunted by a vague sense of enormous wickedness . It was two or three hours past midnight when I got home . I found my aunt , in our house , sitting up for me . 'Is anything the matter , aunt ? ' said I , alarmed . 'Nothing , Trot , ' she replied . 'Sit down , sit down . Little Blossom has been rather out of spirits , and I have been keeping her company . That's all . ' I leaned my head upon my hand ; and felt more sorry and downcast , as I sat looking at the fire , than I could have supposed possible so soon after the fulfilment of my brightest hopes . As I sat thinking , I happened to meet my aunt 's eyes , which were resting on my face . There was an anxious expression in them , but it cleared directly . 'I assure you , aunt , ' said I , 'I have been quite unhappy myself all night , to think of Dora 's being so . But I had no other intention than to speak to her tenderly and lovingly about our home-affairs . ' My aunt nodded encouragement . 'You must have patience , Trot , ' said she . 'Of course . Heaven knows I do n't mean to be unreasonable , aunt ! ' 'No , no , ' said my aunt . 'But Little Blossom is a very tender little blossom , and the wind must be gentle with her . ' I thanked my good aunt , in my heart , for her tenderness towards my wife ; and I was sure that she knew I did . 'Do n't you think , aunt , ' said I , after some further contemplation of the fire , 'that you could advise and counsel Dora a little , for our mutual advantage , now and then ? ' 'Trot , ' returned my aunt , with some emotion , 'no ! Do n't ask me such a thing . ' Her tone was so very earnest that I raised my eyes in surprise . 'I look back on my life , child , ' said my aunt , 'and I think of some who are in their graves , with whom I might have been on kinder terms . If I judged harshly of other people 's mistakes in marriage , it may have been because I had bitter reason to judge harshly of my own . Let that pass . I have been a grumpy , frumpy , wayward sort of a woman , a good many years . I am still , and I always shall be . But you and I have done one another some good , Trot , -- at all events , you have done me good , my dear ; and division must not come between us , at this time of day . ' 'Division between us ! ' cried I . 'Child , child ! ' said my aunt , smoothing her dress , 'how soon it might come between us , or how unhappy I might make our Little Blossom , if I meddled in anything , a prophet could n't say . I want our pet to like me , and be as gay as a butterfly . Remember your own home , in that second marriage ; and never do both me and her the injury you have hinted at ! ' I comprehended , at once , that my aunt was right ; and I comprehended the full extent of her generous feeling towards my dear wife . 'These are early days , Trot , ' she pursued , 'and Rome was not built in a day , nor in a year . You have chosen freely for yourself ' ; a cloud passed over her face for a moment , I thought ; 'and you have chosen a very pretty and a very affectionate creature . It will be your duty , and it will be your pleasure too -- of course I know that ; I am not delivering a lecture -- to estimate her ( as you chose her ) by the qualities she has , and not by the qualities she may not have . The latter you must develop in her , if you can . And if you can not , child , ' here my aunt rubbed her nose , 'you must just accustom yourself to do without 'em . But remember , my dear , your future is between you two . No one can assist you ; you are to work it out for yourselves . This is marriage , Trot ; and Heaven bless you both , in it , for a pair of babes in the wood as you are ! ' My aunt said this in a sprightly way , and gave me a kiss to ratify the blessing . 'Now , ' said she , 'light my little lantern , and see me into my bandbox by the garden path ' ; for there was a communication between our cottages in that direction . 'Give Betsey Trotwood 's love to Blossom , when you come back ; and whatever you do , Trot , never dream of setting Betsey up as a scarecrow , for if I ever saw her in the glass , she 's quite grim enough and gaunt enough in her private capacity ! ' With this my aunt tied her head up in a handkerchief , with which she was accustomed to make a bundle of it on such occasions ; and I escorted her home . As she stood in her garden , holding up her little lantern to light me back , I thought her observation of me had an anxious air again ; but I was too much occupied in pondering on what she had said , and too much impressed -- for the first time , in reality -- by the conviction that Dora and I had indeed to work out our future for ourselves , and that no one could assist us , to take much notice of it . Dora came stealing down in her little slippers , to meet me , now that I was alone ; and cried upon my shoulder , and said I had been hard-hearted and she had been naughty ; and I said much the same thing in effect , I believe ; and we made it up , and agreed that our first little difference was to be our last , and that we were never to have another if we lived a hundred years . The next domestic trial we went through , was the Ordeal of Servants . Mary Anne 's cousin deserted into our coal-hole , and was brought out , to our great amazement , by a piquet of his companions in arms , who took him away handcuffed in a procession that covered our front-garden with ignominy . This nerved me to get rid of Mary Anne , who went so mildly , on receipt of wages , that I was surprised , until I found out about the tea-spoons , and also about the little sums she had borrowed in my name of the tradespeople without authority . After an interval of Mrs. Kidgerbury -- the oldest inhabitant of Kentish Town , I believe , who went out charing , but was too feeble to execute her conceptions of that art -- we found another treasure , who was one of the most amiable of women , but who generally made a point of falling either up or down the kitchen stairs with the tray , and almost plunged into the parlour , as into a bath , with the tea-things . The ravages committed by this unfortunate , rendering her dismissal necessary , she was succeeded ( with intervals of Mrs. Kidgerbury ) by a long line of Incapables ; terminating in a young person of genteel appearance , who went to Greenwich Fair in Dora 's bonnet . After whom I remember nothing but an average equality of failure . Everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us . Our appearance in a shop was a signal for the damaged goods to be brought out immediately . If we bought a lobster , it was full of water . All our meat turned out to be tough , and there was hardly any crust to our loaves . In search of the principle on which joints ought to be roasted , to be roasted enough , and not too much , I myself referred to the Cookery Book , and found it there established as the allowance of a quarter of an hour to every pound , and say a quarter over . But the principle always failed us by some curious fatality , and we never could hit any medium between redness and cinders . I had reason to believe that in accomplishing these failures we incurred a far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of triumphs . It appeared to me , on looking over the tradesmen 's books , as if we might have kept the basement storey paved with butter , such was the extensive scale of our consumption of that article . I do n't know whether the Excise returns of the period may have exhibited any increase in the demand for pepper ; but if our performances did not affect the market , I should say several families must have left off using it . And the most wonderful fact of all was , that we never had anything in the house . As to the washerwoman pawning the clothes , and coming in a state of penitent intoxication to apologize , I suppose that might have happened several times to anybody . Also the chimney on fire , the parish engine , and perjury on the part of the Beadle . But I apprehend that we were personally fortunate in engaging a servant with a taste for cordials , who swelled our running account for porter at the public-house by such inexplicable items as 'quartern rum shrub ( Mrs. C. ) ' ; 'Half-quartern gin and cloves ( Mrs. C. ) ' ; 'Glass rum and peppermint ( Mrs. C. ) ' -- the parentheses always referring to Dora , who was supposed , it appeared on explanation , to have imbibed the whole of these refreshments . One of our first feats in the housekeeping way was a little dinner to Traddles . I met him in town , and asked him to walk out with me that afternoon . He readily consenting , I wrote to Dora , saying I would bring him home . It was pleasant weather , and on the road we made my domestic happiness the theme of conversation . Traddles was very full of it ; and said , that , picturing himself with such a home , and Sophy waiting and preparing for him , he could think of nothing wanting to complete his bliss . I could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end of the table , but I certainly could have wished , when we sat down , for a little more room . I did not know how it was , but though there were only two of us , we were at once always cramped for room , and yet had always room enough to lose everything in . I suspect it may have been because nothing had a place of its own , except Jip 's pagoda , which invariably blocked up the main thoroughfare . On the present occasion , Traddles was so hemmed in by the pagoda and the guitar-case , and Dora's flower-painting , and my writing-table , that I had serious doubts of the possibility of his using his knife and fork ; but he protested , with his own good-humour , 'Oceans of room , Copperfield ! I assure you , Oceans ! ' There was another thing I could have wished , namely , that Jip had never been encouraged to walk about the tablecloth during dinner . I began to think there was something disorderly in his being there at all , even if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the melted butter . On this occasion he seemed to think he was introduced expressly to keep Traddles at bay ; and he barked at my old friend , and made short runs at his plate , with such undaunted pertinacity , that he may be said to have engrossed the conversation . However , as I knew how tender-hearted my dear Dora was , and how sensitive she would be to any slight upon her favourite , I hinted no objection . For similar reasons I made no allusion to the skirmishing plates upon the floor ; or to the disreputable appearance of the castors , which were all at sixes and sevens , and looked drunk ; or to the further blockade of Traddles by wandering vegetable dishes and jugs . I could not help wondering in my own mind , as I contemplated the boiled leg of mutton before me , previous to carving it , how it came to pass that our joints of meat were of such extraordinary shapes -- and whether our butcher contracted for all the deformed sheep that came into the world ; but I kept my reflections to myself . 'My love , ' said I to Dora , 'what have you got in that dish ? ' I could not imagine why Dora had been making tempting little faces at me , as if she wanted to kiss me . 'Oysters , dear , ' said Dora , timidly . 'Was that YOUR thought ? ' said I , delighted . 'Ye-yes , Doady , ' said Dora . 'There never was a happier one ! ' I exclaimed , laying down the carving-knife and fork . 'There is nothing Traddles likes so much ! ' 'Ye-yes , Doady , ' said Dora , 'and so I bought a beautiful little barrel of them , and the man said they were very good . But I -- I am afraid there 's something the matter with them . They do n't seem right . ' Here Dora shook her head , and diamonds twinkled in her eyes . 'They are only opened in both shells , ' said I . 'Take the top one off , my love . ' 'But it wo n't come off ! ' said Dora , trying very hard , and looking very much distressed . 'Do you know , Copperfield , ' said Traddles , cheerfully examining the dish , 'I think it is in consequence -- they are capital oysters , but I think it is in consequence -- of their never having been opened . ' They never had been opened ; and we had no oyster-knives -- and couldn't have used them if we had ; so we looked at the oysters and ate the mutton . At least we ate as much of it as was done , and made up with capers . If I had permitted him , I am satisfied that Traddles would have made a perfect savage of himself , and eaten a plateful of raw meat , to express enjoyment of the repast ; but I would hear of no such immolation on the altar of friendship , and we had a course of bacon instead ; there happening , by good fortune , to be cold bacon in the larder . My poor little wife was in such affliction when she thought I should be annoyed , and in such a state of joy when she found I was not , that the discomfiture I had subdued , very soon vanished , and we passed a happy evening ; Dora sitting with her arm on my chair while Traddles and I discussed a glass of wine , and taking every opportunity of whispering in my ear that it was so good of me not to be a cruel , cross old boy . By and by she made tea for us ; which it was so pretty to see her do , as if she was busying herself with a set of doll 's tea-things , that I was not particular about the quality of the beverage . Then Traddles and I played a game or two at cribbage ; and Dora singing to the guitar the while , it seemed to me as if our courtship and marriage were a tender dream of mine , and the night when I first listened to her voice were not yet over . When Traddles went away , and I came back into the parlour from seeing him out , my wife planted her chair close to mine , and sat down by my side . 'I am very sorry , ' she said . 'Will you try to teach me , Doady ? ' 'I must teach myself first , Dora , ' said I . 'I am as bad as you , love . ' 'Ah ! But you can learn , ' she returned ; 'and you are a clever , clever man ! ' 'Nonsense , mouse ! ' said I . 'I wish , ' resumed my wife , after a long silence , 'that I could have gone down into the country for a whole year , and lived with Agnes ! ' Her hands were clasped upon my shoulder , and her chin rested on them , and her blue eyes looked quietly into mine . 'Why so ? ' I asked . 'I think she might have improved me , and I think I might have learned from her , ' said Dora . 'All in good time , my love . Agnes has had her father to take care of for these many years , you should remember . Even when she was quite a child , she was the Agnes whom we know , ' said I . 'Will you call me a name I want you to call me ? ' inquired Dora , without moving . 'What is it ? ' I asked with a smile . 'It 's a stupid name , ' she said , shaking her curls for a moment . 'Child-wife . ' I laughingly asked my child-wife what her fancy was in desiring to be so called . She answered without moving , otherwise than as the arm I twined about her may have brought her blue eyes nearer to me : 'I do n't mean , you silly fellow , that you should use the name instead of Dora . I only mean that you should think of me that way . When you are going to be angry with me , say to yourself , `` it 's only my child-wife ! '' When I am very disappointing , say , `` I knew , a long time ago , that she would make but a child-wife ! '' When you miss what I should like to be , and I think can never be , say , `` still my foolish child-wife loves me ! '' For indeed I do . ' I had not been serious with her ; having no idea until now , that she was serious herself . But her affectionate nature was so happy in what I now said to her with my whole heart , that her face became a laughing one before her glittering eyes were dry . She was soon my child-wife indeed ; sitting down on the floor outside the Chinese House , ringing all the little bells one after another , to punish Jip for his recent bad behaviour ; while Jip lay blinking in the doorway with his head out , even too lazy to be teased . This appeal of Dora 's made a strong impression on me . I look back on the time I write of ; I invoke the innocent figure that I dearly loved , to come out from the mists and shadows of the past , and turn its gentle head towards me once again ; and I can still declare that this one little speech was constantly in my memory . I may not have used it to the best account ; I was young and inexperienced ; but I never turned a deaf ear to its artless pleading . Dora told me , shortly afterwards , that she was going to be a wonderful housekeeper . Accordingly , she polished the tablets , pointed the pencil , bought an immense account-book , carefully stitched up with a needle and thread all the leaves of the Cookery Book which Jip had torn , and made quite a desperate little attempt 'to be good ' , as she called it . But the figures had the old obstinate propensity -- they WOULD NOT add up . When she had entered two or three laborious items in the account-book , Jip would walk over the page , wagging his tail , and smear them all out . Her own little right-hand middle finger got steeped to the very bone in ink ; and I think that was the only decided result obtained . Sometimes , of an evening , when I was at home and at work -- for I wrote a good deal now , and was beginning in a small way to be known as a writer -- I would lay down my pen , and watch my child-wife trying to be good . First of all , she would bring out the immense account-book , and lay it down upon the table , with a deep sigh . Then she would open it at the place where Jip had made it illegible last night , and call Jip up , to look at his misdeeds . This would occasion a diversion in Jip's favour , and some inking of his nose , perhaps , as a penalty . Then she would tell Jip to lie down on the table instantly , 'like a lion ' -- which was one of his tricks , though I can not say the likeness was striking -- and , if he were in an obedient humour , he would obey . Then she would take up a pen , and begin to write , and find a hair in it . Then she would take up another pen , and begin to write , and find that it spluttered . Then she would take up another pen , and begin to write , and say in a low voice , 'Oh , it 's a talking pen , and will disturb Doady ! ' And then she would give it up as a bad job , and put the account-book away , after pretending to crush the lion with it . Or , if she were in a very sedate and serious state of mind , she would sit down with the tablets , and a little basket of bills and other documents , which looked more like curl-papers than anything else , and endeavour to get some result out of them . After severely comparing one with another , and making entries on the tablets , and blotting them out , and counting all the fingers of her left hand over and over again , backwards and forwards , she would be so vexed and discouraged , and would look so unhappy , that it gave me pain to see her bright face clouded -- and for me ! -- and I would go softly to her , and say : 'What 's the matter , Dora ? ' Dora would look up hopelessly , and reply , 'They wo n't come right . They make my head ache so . And they wo n't do anything I want ! ' Then I would say , 'Now let us try together . Let me show you , Dora . ' Then I would commence a practical demonstration , to which Dora would pay profound attention , perhaps for five minutes ; when she would begin to be dreadfully tired , and would lighten the subject by curling my hair , or trying the effect of my face with my shirt-collar turned down . If I tacitly checked this playfulness , and persisted , she would look so scared and disconsolate , as she became more and more bewildered , that the remembrance of her natural gaiety when I first strayed into her path , and of her being my child-wife , would come reproachfully upon me ; and I would lay the pencil down , and call for the guitar . I had a great deal of work to do , and had many anxieties , but the same considerations made me keep them to myself . I am far from sure , now , that it was right to do this , but I did it for my child-wife 's sake . I search my breast , and I commit its secrets , if I know them , without any reservation to this paper . The old unhappy loss or want of something had , I am conscious , some place in my heart ; but not to the embitterment of my life . When I walked alone in the fine weather , and thought of the summer days when all the air had been filled with my boyish enchantment , I did miss something of the realization of my dreams ; but I thought it was a softened glory of the Past , which nothing could have thrown upon the present time . I did feel , sometimes , for a little while , that I could have wished my wife had been my counsellor ; had had more character and purpose , to sustain me and improve me by ; had been endowed with power to fill up the void which somewhere seemed to be about me ; but I felt as if this were an unearthly consummation of my happiness , that never had been meant to be , and never could have been . I was a boyish husband as to years . I had known the softening influence of no other sorrows or experiences than those recorded in these leaves . If I did any wrong , as I may have done much , I did it in mistaken love , and in my want of wisdom . I write the exact truth . It would avail me nothing to extenuate it now . Thus it was that I took upon myself the toils and cares of our life , and had no partner in them . We lived much as before , in reference to our scrambling household arrangements ; but I had got used to those , and Dora I was pleased to see was seldom vexed now . She was bright and cheerful in the old childish way , loved me dearly , and was happy with her old trifles . When the debates were heavy -- I mean as to length , not quality , for in the last respect they were not often otherwise -- and I went home late , Dora would never rest when she heard my footsteps , but would always come downstairs to meet me . When my evenings were unoccupied by the pursuit for which I had qualified myself with so much pains , and I was engaged in writing at home , she would sit quietly near me , however late the hour , and be so mute , that I would often think she had dropped asleep . But generally , when I raised my head , I saw her blue eyes looking at me with the quiet attention of which I have already spoken . 'Oh , what a weary boy ! ' said Dora one night , when I met her eyes as I was shutting up my desk . 'What a weary girl ! ' said I . 'That 's more to the purpose . You must go to bed another time , my love . It 's far too late for you . ' 'No , do n't send me to bed ! ' pleaded Dora , coming to my side . 'Pray , do n't do that ! ' 'Dora ! ' To my amazement she was sobbing on my neck . 'Not well , my dear ! not happy ! ' 'Yes ! quite well , and very happy ! ' said Dora . 'But say you 'll let me stop , and see you write . ' 'Why , what a sight for such bright eyes at midnight ! ' I replied . 'Are they bright , though ? ' returned Dora , laughing . 'I 'm so glad they're bright . ' 'Little Vanity ! ' said I . But it was not vanity ; it was only harmless delight in my admiration . I knew that very well , before she told me so . 'If you think them pretty , say I may always stop , and see you write ! ' said Dora . 'Do you think them pretty ? ' 'Very pretty . ' 'Then let me always stop and see you write . ' 'I am afraid that wo n't improve their brightness , Dora . ' 'Yes , it will ! Because , you clever boy , you 'll not forget me then , while you are full of silent fancies . Will you mind it , if I say something very , very silly ? -- -more than usual ? ' inquired Dora , peeping over my shoulder into my face . 'What wonderful thing is that ? ' said I . 'Please let me hold the pens , ' said Dora . 'I want to have something to do with all those many hours when you are so industrious . May I hold the pens ? ' The remembrance of her pretty joy when I said yes , brings tears into my eyes . The next time I sat down to write , and regularly afterwards , she sat in her old place , with a spare bundle of pens at her side . Her triumph in this connexion with my work , and her delight when I wanted a new pen -- which I very often feigned to do -- suggested to me a new way of pleasing my child-wife . I occasionally made a pretence of wanting a page or two of manuscript copied . Then Dora was in her glory . The preparations she made for this great work , the aprons she put on , the bibs she borrowed from the kitchen to keep off the ink , the time she took , the innumerable stoppages she made to have a laugh with Jip as if he understood it all , her conviction that her work was incomplete unless she signed her name at the end , and the way in which she would bring it to me , like a school-copy , and then , when I praised it , clasp me round the neck , are touching recollections to me , simple as they might appear to other men . She took possession of the keys soon after this , and went jingling about the house with the whole bunch in a little basket , tied to her slender waist . I seldom found that the places to which they belonged were locked , or that they were of any use except as a plaything for Jip -- but Dora was pleased , and that pleased me . She was quite satisfied that a good deal was effected by this make-belief of housekeeping ; and was as merry as if we had been keeping a baby-house , for a joke . So we went on . Dora was hardly less affectionate to my aunt than to me , and often told her of the time when she was afraid she was 'a cross old thing ' . I never saw my aunt unbend more systematically to anyone . She courted Jip , though Jip never responded ; listened , day after day , to the guitar , though I am afraid she had no taste for music ; never attacked the Incapables , though the temptation must have been severe ; went wonderful distances on foot to purchase , as surprises , any trifles that she found out Dora wanted ; and never came in by the garden , and missed her from the room , but she would call out , at the foot of the stairs , in a voice that sounded cheerfully all over the house : 'Where 's Little Blossom ? ' CHAPTER 45 . MR. DICK FULFILS MY AUNT 'S PREDICTIONS It was some time now , since I had left the Doctor . Living in his neighbourhood , I saw him frequently ; and we all went to his house on two or three occasions to dinner or tea . The Old Soldier was in permanent quarters under the Doctor 's roof . She was exactly the same as ever , and the same immortal butterflies hovered over her cap . Like some other mothers , whom I have known in the course of my life , Mrs. Markleham was far more fond of pleasure than her daughter was . She required a great deal of amusement , and , like a deep old soldier , pretended , in consulting her own inclinations , to be devoting herself to her child . The Doctor 's desire that Annie should be entertained , was therefore particularly acceptable to this excellent parent ; who expressed unqualified approval of his discretion . I have no doubt , indeed , that she probed the Doctor 's wound without knowing it . Meaning nothing but a certain matured frivolity and selfishness , not always inseparable from full-blown years , I think she confirmed him in his fear that he was a constraint upon his young wife , and that there was no congeniality of feeling between them , by so strongly commending his design of lightening the load of her life . 'My dear soul , ' she said to him one day when I was present , 'you know there is no doubt it would be a little pokey for Annie to be always shut up here . ' The Doctor nodded his benevolent head . 'When she comes to her mother's age , ' said Mrs. Markleham , with a flourish of her fan , 'then it 'll be another thing . You might put ME into a Jail , with genteel society and a rubber , and I should never care to come out . But I am not Annie , you know ; and Annie is not her mother . ' 'Surely , surely , ' said the Doctor . 'You are the best of creatures -- no , I beg your pardon ! ' for the Doctor made a gesture of deprecation , 'I must say before your face , as I always say behind your back , you are the best of creatures ; but of course you do n't -- now do you ? -- -enter into the same pursuits and fancies as Annie ? ' 'No , ' said the Doctor , in a sorrowful tone . 'No , of course not , ' retorted the Old Soldier . 'Take your Dictionary , for example . What a useful work a Dictionary is ! What a necessary work ! The meanings of words ! Without Doctor Johnson , or somebody of that sort , we might have been at this present moment calling an Italian-iron , a bedstead . But we ca n't expect a Dictionary -- especially when it's making -- to interest Annie , can we ? ' The Doctor shook his head . 'And that 's why I so much approve , ' said Mrs. Markleham , tapping him on the shoulder with her shut-up fan , 'of your thoughtfulness . It shows that you do n't expect , as many elderly people do expect , old heads on young shoulders . You have studied Annie 's character , and you understand it . That 's what I find so charming ! ' Even the calm and patient face of Doctor Strong expressed some little sense of pain , I thought , under the infliction of these compliments . 'Therefore , my dear Doctor , ' said the Old Soldier , giving him several affectionate taps , 'you may command me , at all times and seasons . Now , do understand that I am entirely at your service . I am ready to go with Annie to operas , concerts , exhibitions , all kinds of places ; and you shall never find that I am tired . Duty , my dear Doctor , before every consideration in the universe ! ' She was as good as her word . She was one of those people who can bear a great deal of pleasure , and she never flinched in her perseverance in the cause . She seldom got hold of the newspaper ( which she settled herself down in the softest chair in the house to read through an eye-glass , every day , for two hours ) , but she found out something that she was certain Annie would like to see . It was in vain for Annie to protest that she was weary of such things . Her mother 's remonstrance always was , 'Now , my dear Annie , I am sure you know better ; and I must tell you , my love , that you are not making a proper return for the kindness of Doctor Strong . ' This was usually said in the Doctor 's presence , and appeared to me to constitute Annie 's principal inducement for withdrawing her objections when she made any . But in general she resigned herself to her mother , and went where the Old Soldier would . It rarely happened now that Mr. Maldon accompanied them . Sometimes my aunt and Dora were invited to do so , and accepted the invitation . Sometimes Dora only was asked . The time had been , when I should have been uneasy in her going ; but reflection on what had passed that former night in the Doctor 's study , had made a change in my mistrust . I believed that the Doctor was right , and I had no worse suspicions . My aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone with me , and said she could n't make it out ; she wished they were happier ; she did n't think our military friend ( so she always called the Old Soldier ) mended the matter at all . My aunt further expressed her opinion , 'that if our military friend would cut off those butterflies , and give 'em to the chimney-sweepers for May-day , it would look like the beginning of something sensible on her part . ' But her abiding reliance was on Mr. Dick . That man had evidently an idea in his head , she said ; and if he could only once pen it up into a corner , which was his great difficulty , he would distinguish himself in some extraordinary manner . Unconscious of this prediction , Mr. Dick continued to occupy precisely the same ground in reference to the Doctor and to Mrs. Strong . He seemed neither to advance nor to recede . He appeared to have settled into his original foundation , like a building ; and I must confess that my faith in his ever Moving , was not much greater than if he had been a building . But one night , when I had been married some months , Mr. Dick put his head into the parlour , where I was writing alone ( Dora having gone out with my aunt to take tea with the two little birds ) , and said , with a significant cough : 'You could n't speak to me without inconveniencing yourself , Trotwood , I am afraid ? ' 'Certainly , Mr. Dick , ' said I ; 'come in ! ' 'Trotwood , ' said Mr. Dick , laying his finger on the side of his nose , after he had shaken hands with me . 'Before I sit down , I wish to make an observation . You know your aunt ? ' 'A little , ' I replied . 'She is the most wonderful woman in the world , sir ! ' After the delivery of this communication , which he shot out of himself as if he were loaded with it , Mr. Dick sat down with greater gravity than usual , and looked at me . 'Now , boy , ' said Mr. Dick , 'I am going to put a question to you . ' 'As many as you please , ' said I . 'What do you consider me , sir ? ' asked Mr. Dick , folding his arms . 'A dear old friend , ' said I . 'Thank you , Trotwood , ' returned Mr. Dick , laughing , and reaching across in high glee to shake hands with me . 'But I mean , boy , ' resuming his gravity , 'what do you consider me in this respect ? ' touching his forehead . I was puzzled how to answer , but he helped me with a word . 'Weak ? ' said Mr. Dick . 'Well , ' I replied , dubiously . 'Rather so . ' 'Exactly ! ' cried Mr. Dick , who seemed quite enchanted by my reply . 'That is , Trotwood , when they took some of the trouble out of you-know-who's head , and put it you know where , there was a -- ' Mr. Dick made his two hands revolve very fast about each other a great number of times , and then brought them into collision , and rolled them over and over one another , to express confusion . 'There was that sort of thing done to me somehow . Eh ? ' I nodded at him , and he nodded back again . 'In short , boy , ' said Mr. Dick , dropping his voice to a whisper , 'I am simple . ' I would have qualified that conclusion , but he stopped me . 'Yes , I am ! She pretends I am not . She wo n't hear of it ; but I am . I know I am . If she had n't stood my friend , sir , I should have been shut up , to lead a dismal life these many years . But I 'll provide for her ! I never spend the copying money . I put it in a box . I have made a will . I 'll leave it all to her . She shall be rich -- noble ! ' Mr. Dick took out his pocket-handkerchief , and wiped his eyes . He then folded it up with great care , pressed it smooth between his two hands , put it in his pocket , and seemed to put my aunt away with it . 'Now you are a scholar , Trotwood , ' said Mr. Dick . 'You are a fine scholar . You know what a learned man , what a great man , the Doctor is . You know what honour he has always done me . Not proud in his wisdom . Humble , humble -- condescending even to poor Dick , who is simple and knows nothing . I have sent his name up , on a scrap of paper , to the kite , along the string , when it has been in the sky , among the larks . The kite has been glad to receive it , sir , and the sky has been brighter with it . ' I delighted him by saying , most heartily , that the Doctor was deserving of our best respect and highest esteem . 'And his beautiful wife is a star , ' said Mr. Dick . 'A shining star . I have seen her shine , sir . But , ' bringing his chair nearer , and laying one hand upon my knee -- 'clouds , sir -- clouds . ' I answered the solicitude which his face expressed , by conveying the same expression into my own , and shaking my head . 'What clouds ? ' said Mr. Dick . He looked so wistfully into my face , and was so anxious to understand , that I took great pains to answer him slowly and distinctly , as I might have entered on an explanation to a child . 'There is some unfortunate division between them , ' I replied . 'Some unhappy cause of separation . A secret . It may be inseparable from the discrepancy in their years . It may have grown up out of almost nothing . ' Mr. Dick , who had told off every sentence with a thoughtful nod , paused when I had done , and sat considering , with his eyes upon my face , and his hand upon my knee . 'Doctor not angry with her , Trotwood ? ' he said , after some time . 'No . Devoted to her . ' 'Then , I have got it , boy ! ' said Mr. Dick . The sudden exultation with which he slapped me on the knee , and leaned back in his chair , with his eyebrows lifted up as high as he could possibly lift them , made me think him farther out of his wits than ever . He became as suddenly grave again , and leaning forward as before , said -- first respectfully taking out his pocket-handkerchief , as if it really did represent my aunt : 'Most wonderful woman in the world , Trotwood . Why has she done nothing to set things right ? ' 'Too delicate and difficult a subject for such interference , ' I replied . 'Fine scholar , ' said Mr. Dick , touching me with his finger . 'Why has HE done nothing ? ' 'For the same reason , ' I returned . 'Then , I have got it , boy ! ' said Mr. Dick . And he stood up before me , more exultingly than before , nodding his head , and striking himself repeatedly upon the breast , until one might have supposed that he had nearly nodded and struck all the breath out of his body . 'A poor fellow with a craze , sir , ' said Mr. Dick , 'a simpleton , a weak-minded person -- present company , you know ! ' striking himself again , 'may do what wonderful people may not do . I 'll bring them together , boy . I 'll try . They 'll not blame me . They 'll not object to me . They 'll not mind what I do , if it 's wrong . I 'm only Mr. Dick . And who minds Dick ? Dick 's nobody ! Whoo ! ' He blew a slight , contemptuous breath , as if he blew himself away . It was fortunate he had proceeded so far with his mystery , for we heard the coach stop at the little garden gate , which brought my aunt and Dora home . 'Not a word , boy ! ' he pursued in a whisper ; 'leave all the blame with Dick -- simple Dick -- mad Dick . I have been thinking , sir , for some time , that I was getting it , and now I have got it . After what you have said to me , I am sure I have got it . All right ! ' Not another word did Mr. Dick utter on the subject ; but he made a very telegraph of himself for the next half-hour ( to the great disturbance of my aunt 's mind ) , to enjoin inviolable secrecy on me . To my surprise , I heard no more about it for some two or three weeks , though I was sufficiently interested in the result of his endeavours ; descrying a strange gleam of good sense -- I say nothing of good feeling , for that he always exhibited -- in the conclusion to which he had come . At last I began to believe , that , in the flighty and unsettled state of his mind , he had either forgotten his intention or abandoned it . One fair evening , when Dora was not inclined to go out , my aunt and I strolled up to the Doctor 's cottage . It was autumn , when there were no debates to vex the evening air ; and I remember how the leaves smelt like our garden at Blunderstone as we trod them under foot , and how the old , unhappy feeling , seemed to go by , on the sighing wind . It was twilight when we reached the cottage . Mrs. Strong was just coming out of the garden , where Mr. Dick yet lingered , busy with his knife , helping the gardener to point some stakes . The Doctor was engaged with someone in his study ; but the visitor would be gone directly , Mrs. Strong said , and begged us to remain and see him . We went into the drawing-room with her , and sat down by the darkening window . There was never any ceremony about the visits of such old friends and neighbours as we were . We had not sat here many minutes , when Mrs. Markleham , who usually contrived to be in a fuss about something , came bustling in , with her newspaper in her hand , and said , out of breath , 'My goodness gracious , Annie , why did n't you tell me there was someone in the Study ! ' 'My dear mama , ' she quietly returned , 'how could I know that you desired the information ? ' 'Desired the information ! ' said Mrs. Markleham , sinking on the sofa . 'I never had such a turn in all my life ! ' 'Have you been to the Study , then , mama ? ' asked Annie . 'BEEN to the Study , my dear ! ' she returned emphatically . 'Indeed I have ! I came upon the amiable creature -- if you 'll imagine my feelings , Miss Trotwood and David -- in the act of making his will . ' Her daughter looked round from the window quickly . 'In the act , my dear Annie , ' repeated Mrs. Markleham , spreading the newspaper on her lap like a table-cloth , and patting her hands upon it , 'of making his last Will and Testament . The foresight and affection of the dear ! I must tell you how it was . I really must , in justice to the darling -- for he is nothing less ! -- tell you how it was . Perhaps you know , Miss Trotwood , that there is never a candle lighted in this house , until one 's eyes are literally falling out of one 's head with being stretched to read the paper . And that there is not a chair in this house , in which a paper can be what I call , read , except one in the Study . This took me to the Study , where I saw a light . I opened the door . In company with the dear Doctor were two professional people , evidently connected with the law , and they were all three standing at the table : the darling Doctor pen in hand . `` This simply expresses then , '' said the Doctor -- Annie , my love , attend to the very words -- '' this simply expresses then , gentlemen , the confidence I have in Mrs. Strong , and gives her all unconditionally ? '' One of the professional people replied , `` And gives her all unconditionally . '' Upon that , with the natural feelings of a mother , I said , `` Good God , I beg your pardon ! '' fell over the door-step , and came away through the little back passage where the pantry is . ' Mrs. Strong opened the window , and went out into the verandah , where she stood leaning against a pillar . 'But now is n't it , Miss Trotwood , is n't it , David , invigorating , ' said Mrs. Markleham , mechanically following her with her eyes , 'to find a man at Doctor Strong 's time of life , with the strength of mind to do this kind of thing ? It only shows how right I was . I said to Annie , when Doctor Strong paid a very flattering visit to myself , and made her the subject of a declaration and an offer , I said , `` My dear , there is no doubt whatever , in my opinion , with reference to a suitable provision for you , that Doctor Strong will do more than he binds himself to do . '' ' Here the bell rang , and we heard the sound of the visitors ' feet as they went out . 'It 's all over , no doubt , ' said the Old Soldier , after listening ; 'the dear creature has signed , sealed , and delivered , and his mind 's at rest . Well it may be ! What a mind ! Annie , my love , I am going to the Study with my paper , for I am a poor creature without news . Miss Trotwood , David , pray come and see the Doctor . ' I was conscious of Mr. Dick 's standing in the shadow of the room , shutting up his knife , when we accompanied her to the Study ; and of my aunt 's rubbing her nose violently , by the way , as a mild vent for her intolerance of our military friend ; but who got first into the Study , or how Mrs. Markleham settled herself in a moment in her easy-chair , or how my aunt and I came to be left together near the door ( unless her eyes were quicker than mine , and she held me back ) , I have forgotten , if I ever knew . But this I know , -- that we saw the Doctor before he saw us , sitting at his table , among the folio volumes in which he delighted , resting his head calmly on his hand . That , in the same moment , we saw Mrs. Strong glide in , pale and trembling . That Mr. Dick supported her on his arm . That he laid his other hand upon the Doctor 's arm , causing him to look up with an abstracted air . That , as the Doctor moved his head , his wife dropped down on one knee at his feet , and , with her hands imploringly lifted , fixed upon his face the memorable look I had never forgotten . That at this sight Mrs. Markleham dropped the newspaper , and stared more like a figure-head intended for a ship to be called The Astonishment , than anything else I can think of . The gentleness of the Doctor 's manner and surprise , the dignity that mingled with the supplicating attitude of his wife , the amiable concern of Mr. Dick , and the earnestness with which my aunt said to herself , 'That man mad ! ' ( triumphantly expressive of the misery from which she had saved him ) -- I see and hear , rather than remember , as I write about it . 'Doctor ! ' said Mr. Dick . 'What is it that 's amiss ? Look here ! ' 'Annie ! ' cried the Doctor . 'Not at my feet , my dear ! ' 'Yes ! ' she said . 'I beg and pray that no one will leave the room ! Oh , my husband and father , break this long silence . Let us both know what it is that has come between us ! ' Mrs. Markleham , by this time recovering the power of speech , and seeming to swell with family pride and motherly indignation , here exclaimed , 'Annie , get up immediately , and do n't disgrace everybody belonging to you by humbling yourself like that , unless you wish to see me go out of my mind on the spot ! ' 'Mama ! ' returned Annie . 'Waste no words on me , for my appeal is to my husband , and even you are nothing here . ' 'Nothing ! ' exclaimed Mrs. Markleham . 'Me , nothing ! The child has taken leave of her senses . Please to get me a glass of water ! ' I was too attentive to the Doctor and his wife , to give any heed to this request ; and it made no impression on anybody else ; so Mrs. Markleham panted , stared , and fanned herself . 'Annie ! ' said the Doctor , tenderly taking her in his hands . 'My dear ! If any unavoidable change has come , in the sequence of time , upon our married life , you are not to blame . The fault is mine , and only mine . There is no change in my affection , admiration , and respect . I wish to make you happy . I truly love and honour you . Rise , Annie , pray ! ' But she did not rise . After looking at him for a little while , she sank down closer to him , laid her arm across his knee , and dropping her head upon it , said : 'If I have any friend here , who can speak one word for me , or for my husband in this matter ; if I have any friend here , who can give a voice to any suspicion that my heart has sometimes whispered to me ; if I have any friend here , who honours my husband , or has ever cared for me , and has anything within his knowledge , no matter what it is , that may help to mediate between us , I implore that friend to speak ! ' There was a profound silence . After a few moments of painful hesitation , I broke the silence . 'Mrs . Strong , ' I said , 'there is something within my knowledge , which I have been earnestly entreated by Doctor Strong to conceal , and have concealed until tonight . But , I believe the time has come when it would be mistaken faith and delicacy to conceal it any longer , and when your appeal absolves me from his injunction . ' She turned her face towards me for a moment , and I knew that I was right . I could not have resisted its entreaty , if the assurance that it gave me had been less convincing . 'Our future peace , ' she said , 'may be in your hands . I trust it confidently to your not suppressing anything . I know beforehand that nothing you , or anyone , can tell me , will show my husband 's noble heart in any other light than one . Howsoever it may seem to you to touch me , disregard that . I will speak for myself , before him , and before God afterwards . ' Thus earnestly besought , I made no reference to the Doctor for his permission , but , without any other compromise of the truth than a little softening of the coarseness of Uriah Heep , related plainly what had passed in that same room that night . The staring of Mrs. Markleham during the whole narration , and the shrill , sharp interjections with which she occasionally interrupted it , defy description . When I had finished , Annie remained , for some few moments , silent , with her head bent down , as I have described . Then , she took the Doctor's hand ( he was sitting in the same attitude as when we had entered the room ) , and pressed it to her breast , and kissed it . Mr. Dick softly raised her ; and she stood , when she began to speak , leaning on him , and looking down upon her husband -- from whom she never turned her eyes . 'All that has ever been in my mind , since I was married , ' she said in a low , submissive , tender voice , 'I will lay bare before you . I could not live and have one reservation , knowing what I know now . ' 'Nay , Annie , ' said the Doctor , mildly , 'I have never doubted you , my child . There is no need ; indeed there is no need , my dear . ' 'There is great need , ' she answered , in the same way , 'that I should open my whole heart before the soul of generosity and truth , whom , year by year , and day by day , I have loved and venerated more and more , as Heaven knows ! ' 'Really , ' interrupted Mrs. Markleham , 'if I have any discretion at all -- ' ( 'Which you have n't , you Marplot , ' observed my aunt , in an indignant whisper . ) -- 'I must be permitted to observe that it can not be requisite to enter into these details . ' 'No one but my husband can judge of that , mama , ' said Annie without removing her eyes from his face , 'and he will hear me . If I say anything to give you pain , mama , forgive me . I have borne pain first , often and long , myself . ' 'Upon my word ! ' gasped Mrs. Markleham . 'When I was very young , ' said Annie , 'quite a little child , my first associations with knowledge of any kind were inseparable from a patient friend and teacher -- the friend of my dead father -- who was always dear to me . I can remember nothing that I know , without remembering him . He stored my mind with its first treasures , and stamped his character upon them all . They never could have been , I think , as good as they have been to me , if I had taken them from any other hands . ' 'Makes her mother nothing ! ' exclaimed Mrs. Markleham . 'Not so mama , ' said Annie ; 'but I make him what he was . I must do that . As I grew up , he occupied the same place still . I was proud of his interest : deeply , fondly , gratefully attached to him . I looked up to him , I can hardly describe how -- as a father , as a guide , as one whose praise was different from all other praise , as one in whom I could have trusted and confided , if I had doubted all the world . You know , mama , how young and inexperienced I was , when you presented him before me , of a sudden , as a lover . ' 'I have mentioned the fact , fifty times at least , to everybody here ! ' said Mrs. Markleham . ( 'Then hold your tongue , for the Lord 's sake , and do n't mention it any more ! ' muttered my aunt . ) 'It was so great a change : so great a loss , I felt it , at first , ' said Annie , still preserving the same look and tone , 'that I was agitated and distressed . I was but a girl ; and when so great a change came in the character in which I had so long looked up to him , I think I was sorry . But nothing could have made him what he used to be again ; and I was proud that he should think me so worthy , and we were married . ' ' -- At Saint Alphage , Canterbury , ' observed Mrs. Markleham . ( 'Confound the woman ! ' said my aunt , 'she WO N'T be quiet ! ' ) 'I never thought , ' proceeded Annie , with a heightened colour , 'of any worldly gain that my husband would bring to me . My young heart had no room in its homage for any such poor reference . Mama , forgive me when I say that it was you who first presented to my mind the thought that anyone could wrong me , and wrong him , by such a cruel suspicion . ' 'Me ! ' cried Mrs. Markleham . ( 'Ah ! You , to be sure ! ' observed my aunt , 'and you ca n't fan it away , my military friend ! ' ) 'It was the first unhappiness of my new life , ' said Annie . 'It was the first occasion of every unhappy moment I have known . These moments have been more , of late , than I can count ; but not -- my generous husband ! -- not for the reason you suppose ; for in my heart there is not a thought , a recollection , or a hope , that any power could separate from you ! ' She raised her eyes , and clasped her hands , and looked as beautiful and true , I thought , as any Spirit . The Doctor looked on her , henceforth , as steadfastly as she on him . 'Mama is blameless , ' she went on , 'of having ever urged you for herself , and she is blameless in intention every way , I am sure , -- but when I saw how many importunate claims were pressed upon you in my name ; how you were traded on in my name ; how generous you were , and how Mr. Wickfield , who had your welfare very much at heart , resented it ; the first sense of my exposure to the mean suspicion that my tenderness was bought -- and sold to you , of all men on earth -- fell upon me like unmerited disgrace , in which I forced you to participate . I can not tell you what it was -- mama can not imagine what it was -- to have this dread and trouble always on my mind , yet know in my own soul that on my marriage-day I crowned the love and honour of my life ! ' 'A specimen of the thanks one gets , ' cried Mrs. Markleham , in tears , 'for taking care of one 's family ! I wish I was a Turk ! ' ( 'I wish you were , with all my heart -- and in your native country ! ' said my aunt . ) 'It was at that time that mama was most solicitous about my Cousin Maldon . I had liked him ' : she spoke softly , but without any hesitation : 'very much . We had been little lovers once . If circumstances had not happened otherwise , I might have come to persuade myself that I really loved him , and might have married him , and been most wretched . There can be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose . ' I pondered on those words , even while I was studiously attending to what followed , as if they had some particular interest , or some strange application that I could not divine . 'There can be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose ' -- 'no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose . ' 'There is nothing , ' said Annie , 'that we have in common . I have long found that there is nothing . If I were thankful to my husband for no more , instead of for so much , I should be thankful to him for having saved me from the first mistaken impulse of my undisciplined heart . ' She stood quite still , before the Doctor , and spoke with an earnestness that thrilled me . Yet her voice was just as quiet as before . 'When he was waiting to be the object of your munificence , so freely bestowed for my sake , and when I was unhappy in the mercenary shape I was made to wear , I thought it would have become him better to have worked his own way on . I thought that if I had been he , I would have tried to do it , at the cost of almost any hardship . But I thought no worse of him , until the night of his departure for India . That night I knew he had a false and thankless heart . I saw a double meaning , then , in Mr. Wickfield 's scrutiny of me . I perceived , for the first time , the dark suspicion that shadowed my life . ' 'Suspicion , Annie ! ' said the Doctor . 'No , no , no ! ' 'In your mind there was none , I know , my husband ! ' she returned . 'And when I came to you , that night , to lay down all my load of shame and grief , and knew that I had to tell that , underneath your roof , one of my own kindred , to whom you had been a benefactor , for the love of me , had spoken to me words that should have found no utterance , even if I had been the weak and mercenary wretch he thought me -- my mind revolted from the taint the very tale conveyed . It died upon my lips , and from that hour till now has never passed them . ' Mrs. Markleham , with a short groan , leaned back in her easy-chair ; and retired behind her fan , as if she were never coming out any more . 'I have never , but in your presence , interchanged a word with him from that time ; then , only when it has been necessary for the avoidance of this explanation . Years have passed since he knew , from me , what his situation here was . The kindnesses you have secretly done for his advancement , and then disclosed to me , for my surprise and pleasure , have been , you will believe , but aggravations of the unhappiness and burden of my secret . ' She sunk down gently at the Doctor 's feet , though he did his utmost to prevent her ; and said , looking up , tearfully , into his face : 'Do not speak to me yet ! Let me say a little more ! Right or wrong , if this were to be done again , I think I should do just the same . You never can know what it was to be devoted to you , with those old associations ; to find that anyone could be so hard as to suppose that the truth of my heart was bartered away , and to be surrounded by appearances confirming that belief . I was very young , and had no adviser . Between mama and me , in all relating to you , there was a wide division . If I shrunk into myself , hiding the disrespect I had undergone , it was because I honoured you so much , and so much wished that you should honour me ! ' 'Annie , my pure heart ! ' said the Doctor , 'my dear girl ! ' 'A little more ! a very few words more ! I used to think there were so many whom you might have married , who would not have brought such charge and trouble on you , and who would have made your home a worthier home . I used to be afraid that I had better have remained your pupil , and almost your child . I used to fear that I was so unsuited to your learning and wisdom . If all this made me shrink within myself ( as indeed it did ) , when I had that to tell , it was still because I honoured you so much , and hoped that you might one day honour me . ' 'That day has shone this long time , Annie , ' said the Doctor , and can have but one long night , my dear . ' 'Another word ! I afterwards meant -- steadfastly meant , and purposed to myself -- to bear the whole weight of knowing the unworthiness of one to whom you had been so good . And now a last word , dearest and best of friends ! The cause of the late change in you , which I have seen with so much pain and sorrow , and have sometimes referred to my old apprehension -- at other times to lingering suppositions nearer to the truth -- has been made clear tonight ; and by an accident I have also come to know , tonight , the full measure of your noble trust in me , even under that mistake . I do not hope that any love and duty I may render in return , will ever make me worthy of your priceless confidence ; but with all this knowledge fresh upon me , I can lift my eyes to this dear face , revered as a father 's , loved as a husband 's , sacred to me in my childhood as a friend 's , and solemnly declare that in my lightest thought I have never wronged you ; never wavered in the love and the fidelity I owe you ! ' She had her arms around the Doctor 's neck , and he leant his head down over her , mingling his grey hair with her dark brown tresses . 'Oh , hold me to your heart , my husband ! Never cast me out ! Do not think or speak of disparity between us , for there is none , except in all my many imperfections . Every succeeding year I have known this better , as I have esteemed you more and more . Oh , take me to your heart , my husband , for my love was founded on a rock , and it endures ! ' In the silence that ensued , my aunt walked gravely up to Mr. Dick , without at all hurrying herself , and gave him a hug and a sounding kiss . And it was very fortunate , with a view to his credit , that she did so ; for I am confident that I detected him at that moment in the act of making preparations to stand on one leg , as an appropriate expression of delight . 'You are a very remarkable man , Dick ! ' said my aunt , with an air of unqualified approbation ; 'and never pretend to be anything else , for I know better ! ' With that , my aunt pulled him by the sleeve , and nodded to me ; and we three stole quietly out of the room , and came away . 'That 's a settler for our military friend , at any rate , ' said my aunt , on the way home . 'I should sleep the better for that , if there was nothing else to be glad of ! ' 'She was quite overcome , I am afraid , ' said Mr. Dick , with great commiseration . 'What ! Did you ever see a crocodile overcome ? ' inquired my aunt . 'I do n't think I ever saw a crocodile , ' returned Mr. Dick , mildly . 'There never would have been anything the matter , if it had n't been for that old Animal , ' said my aunt , with strong emphasis . 'It 's very much to be wished that some mothers would leave their daughters alone after marriage , and not be so violently affectionate . They seem to think the only return that can be made them for bringing an unfortunate young woman into the world -- God bless my soul , as if she asked to be brought , or wanted to come ! -- is full liberty to worry her out of it again . What are you thinking of , Trot ? ' I was thinking of all that had been said . My mind was still running on some of the expressions used . 'There can be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose . ' 'The first mistaken impulse of an undisciplined heart . ' 'My love was founded on a rock . ' But we were at home ; and the trodden leaves were lying under-foot , and the autumn wind was blowing . CHAPTER 46 . INTELLIGENCE I must have been married , if I may trust to my imperfect memory for dates , about a year or so , when one evening , as I was returning from a solitary walk , thinking of the book I was then writing -- for my success had steadily increased with my steady application , and I was engaged at that time upon my first work of fiction -- I came past Mrs. Steerforth's house . I had often passed it before , during my residence in that neighbourhood , though never when I could choose another road . Howbeit , it did sometimes happen that it was not easy to find another , without making a long circuit ; and so I had passed that way , upon the whole , pretty often . I had never done more than glance at the house , as I went by with a quickened step . It had been uniformly gloomy and dull . None of the best rooms abutted on the road ; and the narrow , heavily-framed old-fashioned windows , never cheerful under any circumstances , looked very dismal , close shut , and with their blinds always drawn down . There was a covered way across a little paved court , to an entrance that was never used ; and there was one round staircase window , at odds with all the rest , and the only one unshaded by a blind , which had the same unoccupied blank look . I do not remember that I ever saw a light in all the house . If I had been a casual passer-by , I should have probably supposed that some childless person lay dead in it . If I had happily possessed no knowledge of the place , and had seen it often in that changeless state , I should have pleased my fancy with many ingenious speculations , I dare say . As it was , I thought as little of it as I might . But my mind could not go by it and leave it , as my body did ; and it usually awakened a long train of meditations . Coming before me , on this particular evening that I mention , mingled with the childish recollections and later fancies , the ghosts of half-formed hopes , the broken shadows of disappointments dimly seen and understood , the blending of experience and imagination , incidental to the occupation with which my thoughts had been busy , it was more than commonly suggestive . I fell into a brown study as I walked on , and a voice at my side made me start . It was a woman 's voice , too . I was not long in recollecting Mrs. Steerforth 's little parlour-maid , who had formerly worn blue ribbons in her cap . She had taken them out now , to adapt herself , I suppose , to the altered character of the house ; and wore but one or two disconsolate bows of sober brown . 'If you please , sir , would you have the goodness to walk in , and speak to Miss Dartle ? ' 'Has Miss Dartle sent you for me ? ' I inquired . 'Not tonight , sir , but it 's just the same . Miss Dartle saw you pass a night or two ago ; and I was to sit at work on the staircase , and when I saw you pass again , to ask you to step in and speak to her . ' I turned back , and inquired of my conductor , as we went along , how Mrs. Steerforth was . She said her lady was but poorly , and kept her own room a good deal . When we arrived at the house , I was directed to Miss Dartle in the garden , and left to make my presence known to her myself . She was sitting on a seat at one end of a kind of terrace , overlooking the great city . It was a sombre evening , with a lurid light in the sky ; and as I saw the prospect scowling in the distance , with here and there some larger object starting up into the sullen glare , I fancied it was no inapt companion to the memory of this fierce woman . She saw me as I advanced , and rose for a moment to receive me . I thought her , then , still more colourless and thin than when I had seen her last ; the flashing eyes still brighter , and the scar still plainer . Our meeting was not cordial . We had parted angrily on the last occasion ; and there was an air of disdain about her , which she took no pains to conceal . 'I am told you wish to speak to me , Miss Dartle , ' said I , standing near her , with my hand upon the back of the seat , and declining her gesture of invitation to sit down . 'If you please , ' said she . 'Pray has this girl been found ? ' 'No . ' 'And yet she has run away ! ' I saw her thin lips working while she looked at me , as if they were eager to load her with reproaches . 'Run away ? ' I repeated . 'Yes ! From him , ' she said , with a laugh . 'If she is not found , perhaps she never will be found . She may be dead ! ' The vaunting cruelty with which she met my glance , I never saw expressed in any other face that ever I have seen . 'To wish her dead , ' said I , 'may be the kindest wish that one of her own sex could bestow upon her . I am glad that time has softened you so much , Miss Dartle . ' She condescended to make no reply , but , turning on me with another scornful laugh , said : 'The friends of this excellent and much-injured young lady are friends of yours . You are their champion , and assert their rights . Do you wish to know what is known of her ? ' 'Yes , ' said I . She rose with an ill-favoured smile , and taking a few steps towards a wall of holly that was near at hand , dividing the lawn from a kitchen-garden , said , in a louder voice , 'Come here ! ' -- as if she were calling to some unclean beast . 'You will restrain any demonstrative championship or vengeance in this place , of course , Mr . Copperfield ? ' said she , looking over her shoulder at me with the same expression . I inclined my head , without knowing what she meant ; and she said , 'Come here ! ' again ; and returned , followed by the respectable Mr. Littimer , who , with undiminished respectability , made me a bow , and took up his position behind her . The air of wicked grace : of triumph , in which , strange to say , there was yet something feminine and alluring : with which she reclined upon the seat between us , and looked at me , was worthy of a cruel Princess in a Legend . 'Now , ' said she , imperiously , without glancing at him , and touching the old wound as it throbbed : perhaps , in this instance , with pleasure rather than pain . 'Tell Mr. Copperfield about the flight . ' 'Mr . James and myself , ma'am -- ' 'Do n't address yourself to me ! ' she interrupted with a frown . 'Mr . James and myself , sir -- ' 'Nor to me , if you please , ' said I. Mr. Littimer , without being at all discomposed , signified by a slight obeisance , that anything that was most agreeable to us was most agreeable to him ; and began again . 'Mr . James and myself have been abroad with the young woman , ever since she left Yarmouth under Mr. James 's protection . We have been in a variety of places , and seen a deal of foreign country . We have been in France , Switzerland , Italy , in fact , almost all parts . ' He looked at the back of the seat , as if he were addressing himself to that ; and softly played upon it with his hands , as if he were striking chords upon a dumb piano . 'Mr . James took quite uncommonly to the young woman ; and was more settled , for a length of time , than I have known him to be since I have been in his service . The young woman was very improvable , and spoke the languages ; and would n't have been known for the same country-person . I noticed that she was much admired wherever we went . ' Miss Dartle put her hand upon her side . I saw him steal a glance at her , and slightly smile to himself . 'Very much admired , indeed , the young woman was . What with her dress ; what with the air and sun ; what with being made so much of ; what with this , that , and the other ; her merits really attracted general notice . ' He made a short pause . Her eyes wandered restlessly over the distant prospect , and she bit her nether lip to stop that busy mouth . Taking his hands from the seat , and placing one of them within the other , as he settled himself on one leg , Mr. Littimer proceeded , with his eyes cast down , and his respectable head a little advanced , and a little on one side : 'The young woman went on in this manner for some time , being occasionally low in her spirits , until I think she began to weary Mr. James by giving way to her low spirits and tempers of that kind ; and things were not so comfortable . Mr. James he began to be restless again . The more restless he got , the worse she got ; and I must say , for myself , that I had a very difficult time of it indeed between the two . Still matters were patched up here , and made good there , over and over again ; and altogether lasted , I am sure , for a longer time than anybody could have expected . ' Recalling her eyes from the distance , she looked at me again now , with her former air . Mr. Littimer , clearing his throat behind his hand with a respectable short cough , changed legs , and went on : 'At last , when there had been , upon the whole , a good many words and reproaches , Mr. James he set off one morning , from the neighbourhood of Naples , where we had a villa ( the young woman being very partial to the sea ) , and , under pretence of coming back in a day or so , left it in charge with me to break it out , that , for the general happiness of all concerned , he was ' -- here an interruption of the short cough -- 'gone . But Mr. James , I must say , certainly did behave extremely honourable ; for he proposed that the young woman should marry a very respectable person , who was fully prepared to overlook the past , and who was , at least , as good as anybody the young woman could have aspired to in a regular way : her connexions being very common . ' He changed legs again , and wetted his lips . I was convinced that the scoundrel spoke of himself , and I saw my conviction reflected in Miss Dartle 's face . 'This I also had it in charge to communicate . I was willing to do anything to relieve Mr. James from his difficulty , and to restore harmony between himself and an affectionate parent , who has undergone so much on his account . Therefore I undertook the commission . The young woman 's violence when she came to , after I broke the fact of his departure , was beyond all expectations . She was quite mad , and had to be held by force ; or , if she could n't have got to a knife , or got to the sea , she 'd have beaten her head against the marble floor . ' Miss Dartle , leaning back upon the seat , with a light of exultation in her face , seemed almost to caress the sounds this fellow had uttered . 'But when I came to the second part of what had been entrusted to me , ' said Mr. Littimer , rubbing his hands uneasily , 'which anybody might have supposed would have been , at all events , appreciated as a kind intention , then the young woman came out in her true colours . A more outrageous person I never did see . Her conduct was surprisingly bad . She had no more gratitude , no more feeling , no more patience , no more reason in her , than a stock or a stone . If I had n't been upon my guard , I am convinced she would have had my blood . ' 'I think the better of her for it , ' said I , indignantly . Mr. Littimer bent his head , as much as to say , 'Indeed , sir ? But you're young ! ' and resumed his narrative . 'It was necessary , in short , for a time , to take away everything nigh her , that she could do herself , or anybody else , an injury with , and to shut her up close . Notwithstanding which , she got out in the night ; forced the lattice of a window , that I had nailed up myself ; dropped on a vine that was trailed below ; and never has been seen or heard of , to my knowledge , since . ' 'She is dead , perhaps , ' said Miss Dartle , with a smile , as if she could have spurned the body of the ruined girl . 'She may have drowned herself , miss , ' returned Mr. Littimer , catching at an excuse for addressing himself to somebody . 'It 's very possible . Or , she may have had assistance from the boatmen , and the boatmen 's wives and children . Being given to low company , she was very much in the habit of talking to them on the beach , Miss Dartle , and sitting by their boats . I have known her do it , when Mr. James has been away , whole days . Mr. James was far from pleased to find out , once , that she had told the children she was a boatman 's daughter , and that in her own country , long ago , she had roamed about the beach , like them . ' Oh , Emily ! Unhappy beauty ! What a picture rose before me of her sitting on the far-off shore , among the children like herself when she was innocent , listening to little voices such as might have called her Mother had she been a poor man 's wife ; and to the great voice of the sea , with its eternal 'Never more ! ' 'When it was clear that nothing could be done , Miss Dartle -- ' 'Did I tell you not to speak to me ? ' she said , with stern contempt . 'You spoke to me , miss , ' he replied . 'I beg your pardon . But it is my service to obey . ' 'Do your service , ' she returned . 'Finish your story , and go ! ' 'When it was clear , ' he said , with infinite respectability and an obedient bow , 'that she was not to be found , I went to Mr. James , at the place where it had been agreed that I should write to him , and informed him of what had occurred . Words passed between us in consequence , and I felt it due to my character to leave him . I could bear , and I have borne , a great deal from Mr. James ; but he insulted me too far . He hurt me . Knowing the unfortunate difference between himself and his mother , and what her anxiety of mind was likely to be , I took the liberty of coming home to England , and relating -- ' 'For money which I paid him , ' said Miss Dartle to me . 'Just so , ma'am -- and relating what I knew . I am not aware , ' said Mr. Littimer , after a moment 's reflection , 'that there is anything else . I am at present out of employment , and should be happy to meet with a respectable situation . ' Miss Dartle glanced at me , as though she would inquire if there were anything that I desired to ask . As there was something which had occurred to my mind , I said in reply : 'I could wish to know from this -- creature , ' I could not bring myself to utter any more conciliatory word , 'whether they intercepted a letter that was written to her from home , or whether he supposes that she received it . ' He remained calm and silent , with his eyes fixed on the ground , and the tip of every finger of his right hand delicately poised against the tip of every finger of his left . Miss Dartle turned her head disdainfully towards him . 'I beg your pardon , miss , ' he said , awakening from his abstraction , 'but , however submissive to you , I have my position , though a servant . Mr. Copperfield and you , miss , are different people . If Mr. Copperfield wishes to know anything from me , I take the liberty of reminding Mr. Copperfield that he can put a question to me . I have a character to maintain . ' After a momentary struggle with myself , I turned my eyes upon him , and said , 'You have heard my question . Consider it addressed to yourself , if you choose . What answer do you make ? ' 'Sir , ' he rejoined , with an occasional separation and reunion of those delicate tips , 'my answer must be qualified ; because , to betray Mr. James 's confidence to his mother , and to betray it to you , are two different actions . It is not probable , I consider , that Mr. James would encourage the receipt of letters likely to increase low spirits and unpleasantness ; but further than that , sir , I should wish to avoid going . ' 'Is that all ? ' inquired Miss Dartle of me . I indicated that I had nothing more to say . 'Except , ' I added , as I saw him moving off , 'that I understand this fellow 's part in the wicked story , and that , as I shall make it known to the honest man who has been her father from her childhood , I would recommend him to avoid going too much into public . ' He had stopped the moment I began , and had listened with his usual repose of manner . 'Thank you , sir . But you 'll excuse me if I say , sir , that there are neither slaves nor slave-drivers in this country , and that people are not allowed to take the law into their own hands . If they do , it is more to their own peril , I believe , than to other people 's . Consequently speaking , I am not at all afraid of going wherever I may wish , sir . ' With that , he made a polite bow ; and , with another to Miss Dartle , went away through the arch in the wall of holly by which he had come . Miss Dartle and I regarded each other for a little while in silence ; her manner being exactly what it was , when she had produced the man . 'He says besides , ' she observed , with a slow curling of her lip , 'that his master , as he hears , is coasting Spain ; and this done , is away to gratify his seafaring tastes till he is weary . But this is of no interest to you . Between these two proud persons , mother and son , there is a wider breach than before , and little hope of its healing , for they are one at heart , and time makes each more obstinate and imperious . Neither is this of any interest to you ; but it introduces what I wish to say . This devil whom you make an angel of . I mean this low girl whom he picked out of the tide-mud , ' with her black eyes full upon me , and her passionate finger up , 'may be alive , -- for I believe some common things are hard to die . If she is , you will desire to have a pearl of such price found and taken care of . We desire that , too ; that he may not by any chance be made her prey again . So far , we are united in one interest ; and that is why I , who would do her any mischief that so coarse a wretch is capable of feeling , have sent for you to hear what you have heard . ' I saw , by the change in her face , that someone was advancing behind me . It was Mrs. Steerforth , who gave me her hand more coldly than of yore , and with an augmentation of her former stateliness of manner , but still , I perceived -- and I was touched by it -- with an ineffaceable remembrance of my old love for her son . She was greatly altered . Her fine figure was far less upright , her handsome face was deeply marked , and her hair was almost white . But when she sat down on the seat , she was a handsome lady still ; and well I knew the bright eye with its lofty look , that had been a light in my very dreams at school . 'Is Mr. Copperfield informed of everything , Rosa ? ' 'Yes . ' 'And has he heard Littimer himself ? ' 'Yes ; I have told him why you wished it . ' 'You are a good girl . I have had some slight correspondence with your former friend , sir , ' addressing me , 'but it has not restored his sense of duty or natural obligation . Therefore I have no other object in this , than what Rosa has mentioned . If , by the course which may relieve the mind of the decent man you brought here ( for whom I am sorry -- I can say no more ) , my son may be saved from again falling into the snares of a designing enemy , well ! ' She drew herself up , and sat looking straight before her , far away . 'Madam , ' I said respectfully , 'I understand . I assure you I am in no danger of putting any strained construction on your motives . But I must say , even to you , having known this injured family from childhood , that if you suppose the girl , so deeply wronged , has not been cruelly deluded , and would not rather die a hundred deaths than take a cup of water from your son 's hand now , you cherish a terrible mistake . ' 'Well , Rosa , well ! ' said Mrs. Steerforth , as the other was about to interpose , 'it is no matter . Let it be . You are married , sir , I am told ? ' I answered that I had been some time married . 'And are doing well ? I hear little in the quiet life I lead , but I understand you are beginning to be famous . ' 'I have been very fortunate , ' I said , 'and find my name connected with some praise . ' 'You have no mother ? ' -- in a softened voice . 'No . ' 'It is a pity , ' she returned . 'She would have been proud of you . Good night ! ' I took the hand she held out with a dignified , unbending air , and it was as calm in mine as if her breast had been at peace . Her pride could still its very pulses , it appeared , and draw the placid veil before her face , through which she sat looking straight before her on the far distance . As I moved away from them along the terrace , I could not help observing how steadily they both sat gazing on the prospect , and how it thickened and closed around them . Here and there , some early lamps were seen to twinkle in the distant city ; and in the eastern quarter of the sky the lurid light still hovered . But , from the greater part of the broad valley interposed , a mist was rising like a sea , which , mingling with the darkness , made it seem as if the gathering waters would encompass them . I have reason to remember this , and think of it with awe ; for before I looked upon those two again , a stormy sea had risen to their feet . Reflecting on what had been thus told me , I felt it right that it should be communicated to Mr. Peggotty . On the following evening I went into London in quest of him . He was always wandering about from place to place , with his one object of recovering his niece before him ; but was more in London than elsewhere . Often and often , now , had I seen him in the dead of night passing along the streets , searching , among the few who loitered out of doors at those untimely hours , for what he dreaded to find . He kept a lodging over the little chandler 's shop in Hungerford Market , which I have had occasion to mention more than once , and from which he first went forth upon his errand of mercy . Hither I directed my walk . On making inquiry for him , I learned from the people of the house that he had not gone out yet , and I should find him in his room upstairs . He was sitting reading by a window in which he kept a few plants . The room was very neat and orderly . I saw in a moment that it was always kept prepared for her reception , and that he never went out but he thought it possible he might bring her home . He had not heard my tap at the door , and only raised his eyes when I laid my hand upon his shoulder . 'Mas'r Davy ! Thankee , sir ! thankee hearty , for this visit ! Sit ye down . You 're kindly welcome , sir ! ' 'Mr . Peggotty , ' said I , taking the chair he handed me , 'do n't expect much ! I have heard some news . ' 'Of Em'ly ! ' He put his hand , in a nervous manner , on his mouth , and turned pale , as he fixed his eyes on mine . 'It gives no clue to where she is ; but she is not with him . ' He sat down , looking intently at me , and listened in profound silence to all I had to tell . I well remember the sense of dignity , beauty even , with which the patient gravity of his face impressed me , when , having gradually removed his eyes from mine , he sat looking downward , leaning his forehead on his hand . He offered no interruption , but remained throughout perfectly still . He seemed to pursue her figure through the narrative , and to let every other shape go by him , as if it were nothing . When I had done , he shaded his face , and continued silent . I looked out of the window for a little while , and occupied myself with the plants . 'How do you fare to feel about it , Mas'r Davy ? ' he inquired at length . 'I think that she is living , ' I replied . 'I doe n't know . Maybe the first shock was too rough , and in the wildness of her art -- ! That there blue water as she used to speak on . Could she have thowt o ' that so many year , because it was to be her grave ! ' He said this , musing , in a low , frightened voice ; and walked across the little room . 'And yet , ' he added , 'Mas'r Davy , I have felt so sure as she was living -- I have know 'd , awake and sleeping , as it was so trew that I should find her -- I have been so led on by it , and held up by it -- that I doe n't believe I can have been deceived . No ! Em'ly 's alive ! ' He put his hand down firmly on the table , and set his sunburnt face into a resolute expression . 'My niece , Em'ly , is alive , sir ! ' he said , steadfastly . 'I doe n't know wheer it comes from , or how 't is , but I am told as she 's alive ! ' He looked almost like a man inspired , as he said it . I waited for a few moments , until he could give me his undivided attention ; and then proceeded to explain the precaution , that , it had occurred to me last night , it would be wise to take . 'Now , my dear friend -- 'I began . 'Thankee , thankee , kind sir , ' he said , grasping my hand in both of his . 'If she should make her way to London , which is likely -- for where could she lose herself so readily as in this vast city ; and what would she wish to do , but lose and hide herself , if she does not go home ? -- ' 'And she wo n't go home , ' he interposed , shaking his head mournfully . 'If she had left of her own accord , she might ; not as It was , sir . ' 'If she should come here , ' said I , 'I believe there is one person , here , more likely to discover her than any other in the world . Do you remember -- hear what I say , with fortitude -- think of your great object ! -- do you remember Martha ? ' 'Of our town ? ' I needed no other answer than his face . 'Do you know that she is in London ? ' 'I have seen her in the streets , ' he answered , with a shiver . 'But you do n't know , ' said I , 'that Emily was charitable to her , with Ham 's help , long before she fled from home . Nor , that , when we met one night , and spoke together in the room yonder , over the way , she listened at the door . ' 'Mas'r Davy ! ' he replied in astonishment . 'That night when it snew so hard ? ' 'That night . I have never seen her since . I went back , after parting from you , to speak to her , but she was gone . I was unwilling to mention her to you then , and I am now ; but she is the person of whom I speak , and with whom I think we should communicate . Do you understand ? ' 'Too well , sir , ' he replied . We had sunk our voices , almost to a whisper , and continued to speak in that tone . 'You say you have seen her . Do you think that you could find her ? I could only hope to do so by chance . ' 'I think , Mas'r Davy , I know wheer to look . ' 'It is dark . Being together , shall we go out now , and try to find her tonight ? ' He assented , and prepared to accompany me . Without appearing to observe what he was doing , I saw how carefully he adjusted the little room , put a candle ready and the means of lighting it , arranged the bed , and finally took out of a drawer one of her dresses ( I remember to have seen her wear it ) , neatly folded with some other garments , and a bonnet , which he placed upon a chair . He made no allusion to these clothes , neither did I . There they had been waiting for her , many and many a night , no doubt . 'The time was , Mas'r Davy , ' he said , as we came downstairs , 'when I thowt this girl , Martha , a'most like the dirt underneath my Em'ly's feet . God forgive me , theer 's a difference now ! ' As we went along , partly to hold him in conversation , and partly to satisfy myself , I asked him about Ham . He said , almost in the same words as formerly , that Ham was just the same , 'wearing away his life with kiender no care nohow for 't ; but never murmuring , and liked by all ' . I asked him what he thought Ham 's state of mind was , in reference to the cause of their misfortunes ? Whether he believed it was dangerous ? What he supposed , for example , Ham would do , if he and Steerforth ever should encounter ? 'I doe n't know , sir , ' he replied . 'I have thowt of it oftentimes , but I ca n't awize myself of it , no matters . ' I recalled to his remembrance the morning after her departure , when we were all three on the beach . 'Do you recollect , ' said I , 'a certain wild way in which he looked out to sea , and spoke about `` the end of it '' ? ' 'Sure I do ! ' said he . 'What do you suppose he meant ? ' 'Mas'r Davy , ' he replied , 'I 've put the question to myself a mort o' times , and never found no answer . And theer 's one curious thing -- that , though he is so pleasant , I would n't fare to feel comfortable to try and get his mind upon 't . He never said a wured to me as war n't as dootiful as dootiful could be , and it ai n't likely as he 'd begin to speak any other ways now ; but it 's fur from being fleet water in his mind , where them thowts lays . It 's deep , sir , and I ca n't see down . ' 'You are right , ' said I , 'and that has sometimes made me anxious . ' 'And me too , Mas'r Davy , ' he rejoined . 'Even more so , I do assure you , than his ventersome ways , though both belongs to the alteration in him . I doe n't know as he 'd do violence under any circumstances , but I hope as them two may be kep asunders . ' We had come , through Temple Bar , into the city . Conversing no more now , and walking at my side , he yielded himself up to the one aim of his devoted life , and went on , with that hushed concentration of his faculties which would have made his figure solitary in a multitude . We were not far from Blackfriars Bridge , when he turned his head and pointed to a solitary female figure flitting along the opposite side of the street . I knew it , readily , to be the figure that we sought . We crossed the road , and were pressing on towards her , when it occurred to me that she might be more disposed to feel a woman 's interest in the lost girl , if we spoke to her in a quieter place , aloof from the crowd , and where we should be less observed . I advised my companion , therefore , that we should not address her yet , but follow her ; consulting in this , likewise , an indistinct desire I had , to know where she went . He acquiescing , we followed at a distance : never losing sight of her , but never caring to come very near , as she frequently looked about . Once , she stopped to listen to a band of music ; and then we stopped too . She went on a long way . Still we went on . It was evident , from the manner in which she held her course , that she was going to some fixed destination ; and this , and her keeping in the busy streets , and I suppose the strange fascination in the secrecy and mystery of so following anyone , made me adhere to my first purpose . At length she turned into a dull , dark street , where the noise and crowd were lost ; and I said , 'We may speak to her now ' ; and , mending our pace , we went after her . CHAPTER 47 . MARTHA We were now down in Westminster . We had turned back to follow her , having encountered her coming towards us ; and Westminster Abbey was the point at which she passed from the lights and noise of the leading streets . She proceeded so quickly , when she got free of the two currents of passengers setting towards and from the bridge , that , between this and the advance she had of us when she struck off , we were in the narrow water-side street by Millbank before we came up with her . At that moment she crossed the road , as if to avoid the footsteps that she heard so close behind ; and , without looking back , passed on even more rapidly . A glimpse of the river through a dull gateway , where some waggons were housed for the night , seemed to arrest my feet . I touched my companion without speaking , and we both forbore to cross after her , and both followed on that opposite side of the way ; keeping as quietly as we could in the shadow of the houses , but keeping very near her . There was , and is when I write , at the end of that low-lying street , a dilapidated little wooden building , probably an obsolete old ferry-house . Its position is just at that point where the street ceases , and the road begins to lie between a row of houses and the river . As soon as she came here , and saw the water , she stopped as if she had come to her destination ; and presently went slowly along by the brink of the river , looking intently at it . All the way here , I had supposed that she was going to some house ; indeed , I had vaguely entertained the hope that the house might be in some way associated with the lost girl . But that one dark glimpse of the river , through the gateway , had instinctively prepared me for her going no farther . The neighbourhood was a dreary one at that time ; as oppressive , sad , and solitary by night , as any about London . There were neither wharves nor houses on the melancholy waste of road near the great blank Prison . A sluggish ditch deposited its mud at the prison walls . Coarse grass and rank weeds straggled over all the marshy land in the vicinity . In one part , carcases of houses , inauspiciously begun and never finished , rotted away . In another , the ground was cumbered with rusty iron monsters of steam-boilers , wheels , cranks , pipes , furnaces , paddles , anchors , diving-bells , windmill-sails , and I know not what strange objects , accumulated by some speculator , and grovelling in the dust , underneath which -- having sunk into the soil of their own weight in wet weather -- they had the appearance of vainly trying to hide themselves . The clash and glare of sundry fiery Works upon the river-side , arose by night to disturb everything except the heavy and unbroken smoke that poured out of their chimneys . Slimy gaps and causeways , winding among old wooden piles , with a sickly substance clinging to the latter , like green hair , and the rags of last year 's handbills offering rewards for drowned men fluttering above high-water mark , led down through the ooze and slush to the ebb-tide . There was a story that one of the pits dug for the dead in the time of the Great Plague was hereabout ; and a blighting influence seemed to have proceeded from it over the whole place . Or else it looked as if it had gradually decomposed into that nightmare condition , out of the overflowings of the polluted stream . As if she were a part of the refuse it had cast out , and left to corruption and decay , the girl we had followed strayed down to the river 's brink , and stood in the midst of this night-picture , lonely and still , looking at the water . There were some boats and barges astrand in the mud , and these enabled us to come within a few yards of her without being seen . I then signed to Mr. Peggotty to remain where he was , and emerged from their shade to speak to her . I did not approach her solitary figure without trembling ; for this gloomy end to her determined walk , and the way in which she stood , almost within the cavernous shadow of the iron bridge , looking at the lights crookedly reflected in the strong tide , inspired a dread within me . I think she was talking to herself . I am sure , although absorbed in gazing at the water , that her shawl was off her shoulders , and that she was muffling her hands in it , in an unsettled and bewildered way , more like the action of a sleep-walker than a waking person . I know , and never can forget , that there was that in her wild manner which gave me no assurance but that she would sink before my eyes , until I had her arm within my grasp . At the same moment I said 'Martha ! ' She uttered a terrified scream , and struggled with me with such strength that I doubt if I could have held her alone . But a stronger hand than mine was laid upon her ; and when she raised her frightened eyes and saw whose it was , she made but one more effort and dropped down between us . We carried her away from the water to where there were some dry stones , and there laid her down , crying and moaning . In a little while she sat among the stones , holding her wretched head with both her hands . 'Oh , the river ! ' she cried passionately . 'Oh , the river ! ' 'Hush , hush ! ' said I . 'Calm yourself . ' But she still repeated the same words , continually exclaiming , 'Oh , the river ! ' over and over again . 'I know it 's like me ! ' she exclaimed . 'I know that I belong to it . I know that it 's the natural company of such as I am ! It comes from country places , where there was once no harm in it -- and it creeps through the dismal streets , defiled and miserable -- and it goes away , like my life , to a great sea , that is always troubled -- and I feel that I must go with it ! ' I have never known what despair was , except in the tone of those words . 'I ca n't keep away from it . I ca n't forget it . It haunts me day and night . It 's the only thing in all the world that I am fit for , or that's fit for me . Oh , the dreadful river ! ' The thought passed through my mind that in the face of my companion , as he looked upon her without speech or motion , I might have read his niece 's history , if I had known nothing of it . I never saw , in any painting or reality , horror and compassion so impressively blended . He shook as if he would have fallen ; and his hand -- I touched it with my own , for his appearance alarmed me -- was deadly cold . 'She is in a state of frenzy , ' I whispered to him . 'She will speak differently in a little time . ' I do n't know what he would have said in answer . He made some motion with his mouth , and seemed to think he had spoken ; but he had only pointed to her with his outstretched hand . A new burst of crying came upon her now , in which she once more hid her face among the stones , and lay before us , a prostrate image of humiliation and ruin . Knowing that this state must pass , before we could speak to her with any hope , I ventured to restrain him when he would have raised her , and we stood by in silence until she became more tranquil . 'Martha , ' said I then , leaning down , and helping her to rise -- she seemed to want to rise as if with the intention of going away , but she was weak , and leaned against a boat . 'Do you know who this is , who is with me ? ' She said faintly , 'Yes . ' 'Do you know that we have followed you a long way tonight ? ' She shook her head . She looked neither at him nor at me , but stood in a humble attitude , holding her bonnet and shawl in one hand , without appearing conscious of them , and pressing the other , clenched , against her forehead . 'Are you composed enough , ' said I , 'to speak on the subject which so interested you -- I hope Heaven may remember it ! -- that snowy night ? ' Her sobs broke out afresh , and she murmured some inarticulate thanks to me for not having driven her away from the door . 'I want to say nothing for myself , ' she said , after a few moments . 'I am bad , I am lost . I have no hope at all . But tell him , sir , ' she had shrunk away from him , 'if you do n't feel too hard to me to do it , that I never was in any way the cause of his misfortune . ' 'It has never been attributed to you , ' I returned , earnestly responding to her earnestness . 'It was you , if I do n't deceive myself , ' she said , in a broken voice , 'that came into the kitchen , the night she took such pity on me ; was so gentle to me ; did n't shrink away from me like all the rest , and gave me such kind help ! Was it you , sir ? ' 'It was , ' said I . 'I should have been in the river long ago , ' she said , glancing at it with a terrible expression , 'if any wrong to her had been upon my mind . I never could have kept out of it a single winter 's night , if I had not been free of any share in that ! ' 'The cause of her flight is too well understood , ' I said . 'You are innocent of any part in it , we thoroughly believe , -- we know . ' 'Oh , I might have been much the better for her , if I had had a better heart ! ' exclaimed the girl , with most forlorn regret ; 'for she was always good to me ! She never spoke a word to me but what was pleasant and right . Is it likely I would try to make her what I am myself , knowing what I am myself , so well ? When I lost everything that makes life dear , the worst of all my thoughts was that I was parted for ever from her ! ' Mr. Peggotty , standing with one hand on the gunwale of the boat , and his eyes cast down , put his disengaged hand before his face . 'And when I heard what had happened before that snowy night , from some belonging to our town , ' cried Martha , 'the bitterest thought in all my mind was , that the people would remember she once kept company with me , and would say I had corrupted her ! When , Heaven knows , I would have died to have brought back her good name ! ' Long unused to any self-control , the piercing agony of her remorse and grief was terrible . 'To have died , would not have been much -- what can I say ? -- -I would have lived ! ' she cried . 'I would have lived to be old , in the wretched streets -- and to wander about , avoided , in the dark -- and to see the day break on the ghastly line of houses , and remember how the same sun used to shine into my room , and wake me once -- I would have done even that , to save her ! ' Sinking on the stones , she took some in each hand , and clenched them up , as if she would have ground them . She writhed into some new posture constantly : stiffening her arms , twisting them before her face , as though to shut out from her eyes the little light there was , and drooping her head , as if it were heavy with insupportable recollections . 'What shall I ever do ! ' she said , fighting thus with her despair . 'How can I go on as I am , a solitary curse to myself , a living disgrace to everyone I come near ! ' Suddenly she turned to my companion . 'Stamp upon me , kill me ! When she was your pride , you would have thought I had done her harm if I had brushed against her in the street . You can't believe -- why should you ? -- -a syllable that comes out of my lips . It would be a burning shame upon you , even now , if she and I exchanged a word . I do n't complain . I do n't say she and I are alike -- I know there is a long , long way between us . I only say , with all my guilt and wretchedness upon my head , that I am grateful to her from my soul , and love her . Oh , do n't think that all the power I had of loving anything is quite worn out ! Throw me away , as all the world does . Kill me for being what I am , and having ever known her ; but do n't think that of me ! ' He looked upon her , while she made this supplication , in a wild distracted manner ; and , when she was silent , gently raised her . 'Martha , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'God forbid as I should judge you . Forbid as I , of all men , should do that , my girl ! You doe n't know half the change that 's come , in course of time , upon me , when you think it likely . Well ! ' he paused a moment , then went on . 'You doe n't understand how 't is that this here gentleman and me has wished to speak to you . You doe n't understand what 't is we has afore us . Listen now ! ' His influence upon her was complete . She stood , shrinkingly , before him , as if she were afraid to meet his eyes ; but her passionate sorrow was quite hushed and mute . 'If you heerd , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'owt of what passed between Mas'r Davy and me , th ' night when it snew so hard , you know as I have been -- wheer not -- fur to seek my dear niece . My dear niece , ' he repeated steadily . 'Fur she 's more dear to me now , Martha , than she was dear afore . ' She put her hands before her face ; but otherwise remained quiet . 'I have heerd her tell , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'as you was early left fatherless and motherless , with no friend fur to take , in a rough seafaring-way , their place . Maybe you can guess that if you 'd had such a friend , you 'd have got into a way of being fond of him in course of time , and that my niece was kiender daughter-like to me . ' As she was silently trembling , he put her shawl carefully about her , taking it up from the ground for that purpose . 'Whereby , ' said he , 'I know , both as she would go to the wureld's furdest end with me , if she could once see me again ; and that she would fly to the wureld 's furdest end to keep off seeing me . For though she ai n't no call to doubt my love , and doe n't -- and doe n't , ' he repeated , with a quiet assurance of the truth of what he said , 'there 's shame steps in , and keeps betwixt us . ' I read , in every word of his plain impressive way of delivering himself , new evidence of his having thought of this one topic , in every feature it presented . 'According to our reckoning , ' he proceeded , 'Mas'r Davy 's here , and mine , she is like , one day , to make her own poor solitary course to London . We believe -- Mas'r Davy , me , and all of us -- that you are as innocent of everything that has befell her , as the unborn child . You've spoke of her being pleasant , kind , and gentle to you . Bless her , I knew she was ! I knew she always was , to all . You 're thankful to her , and you love her . Help us all you can to find her , and may Heaven reward you ! ' She looked at him hastily , and for the first time , as if she were doubtful of what he had said . 'Will you trust me ? ' she asked , in a low voice of astonishment . 'Full and free ! ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'To speak to her , if I should ever find her ; shelter her , if I have any shelter to divide with her ; and then , without her knowledge , come to you , and bring you to her ? ' she asked hurriedly . We both replied together , 'Yes ! ' She lifted up her eyes , and solemnly declared that she would devote herself to this task , fervently and faithfully . That she would never waver in it , never be diverted from it , never relinquish it , while there was any chance of hope . If she were not true to it , might the object she now had in life , which bound her to something devoid of evil , in its passing away from her , leave her more forlorn and more despairing , if that were possible , than she had been upon the river 's brink that night ; and then might all help , human and Divine , renounce her evermore ! She did not raise her voice above her breath , or address us , but said this to the night sky ; then stood profoundly quiet , looking at the gloomy water . We judged it expedient , now , to tell her all we knew ; which I recounted at length . She listened with great attention , and with a face that often changed , but had the same purpose in all its varying expressions . Her eyes occasionally filled with tears , but those she repressed . It seemed as if her spirit were quite altered , and she could not be too quiet . She asked , when all was told , where we were to be communicated with , if occasion should arise . Under a dull lamp in the road , I wrote our two addresses on a leaf of my pocket-book , which I tore out and gave to her , and which she put in her poor bosom . I asked her where she lived herself . She said , after a pause , in no place long . It were better not to know . Mr. Peggotty suggesting to me , in a whisper , what had already occurred to myself , I took out my purse ; but I could not prevail upon her to accept any money , nor could I exact any promise from her that she would do so at another time . I represented to her that Mr. Peggotty could not be called , for one in his condition , poor ; and that the idea of her engaging in this search , while depending on her own resources , shocked us both . She continued steadfast . In this particular , his influence upon her was equally powerless with mine . She gratefully thanked him but remained inexorable . 'There may be work to be got , ' she said . 'I 'll try . ' 'At least take some assistance , ' I returned , 'until you have tried . ' 'I could not do what I have promised , for money , ' she replied . 'I could not take it , if I was starving . To give me money would be to take away your trust , to take away the object that you have given me , to take away the only certain thing that saves me from the river . ' 'In the name of the great judge , ' said I , 'before whom you and all of us must stand at His dread time , dismiss that terrible idea ! We can all do some good , if we will . ' She trembled , and her lip shook , and her face was paler , as she answered : 'It has been put into your hearts , perhaps , to save a wretched creature for repentance . I am afraid to think so ; it seems too bold . If any good should come of me , I might begin to hope ; for nothing but harm has ever come of my deeds yet . I am to be trusted , for the first time in a long while , with my miserable life , on account of what you have given me to try for . I know no more , and I can say no more . ' Again she repressed the tears that had begun to flow ; and , putting out her trembling hand , and touching Mr. Peggotty , as if there was some healing virtue in him , went away along the desolate road . She had been ill , probably for a long time . I observed , upon that closer opportunity of observation , that she was worn and haggard , and that her sunken eyes expressed privation and endurance . We followed her at a short distance , our way lying in the same direction , until we came back into the lighted and populous streets . I had such implicit confidence in her declaration , that I then put it to Mr. Peggotty , whether it would not seem , in the onset , like distrusting her , to follow her any farther . He being of the same mind , and equally reliant on her , we suffered her to take her own road , and took ours , which was towards Highgate . He accompanied me a good part of the way ; and when we parted , with a prayer for the success of this fresh effort , there was a new and thoughtful compassion in him that I was at no loss to interpret . It was midnight when I arrived at home . I had reached my own gate , and was standing listening for the deep bell of St. Paul 's , the sound of which I thought had been borne towards me among the multitude of striking clocks , when I was rather surprised to see that the door of my aunt 's cottage was open , and that a faint light in the entry was shining out across the road . Thinking that my aunt might have relapsed into one of her old alarms , and might be watching the progress of some imaginary conflagration in the distance , I went to speak to her . It was with very great surprise that I saw a man standing in her little garden . He had a glass and bottle in his hand , and was in the act of drinking . I stopped short , among the thick foliage outside , for the moon was up now , though obscured ; and I recognized the man whom I had once supposed to be a delusion of Mr. Dick 's , and had once encountered with my aunt in the streets of the city . He was eating as well as drinking , and seemed to eat with a hungry appetite . He seemed curious regarding the cottage , too , as if it were the first time he had seen it . After stooping to put the bottle on the ground , he looked up at the windows , and looked about ; though with a covert and impatient air , as if he was anxious to be gone . The light in the passage was obscured for a moment , and my aunt came out . She was agitated , and told some money into his hand . I heard it chink . 'What 's the use of this ? ' he demanded . 'I can spare no more , ' returned my aunt . 'Then I ca n't go , ' said he . 'Here ! You may take it back ! ' 'You bad man , ' returned my aunt , with great emotion ; 'how can you use me so ? But why do I ask ? It is because you know how weak I am ! What have I to do , to free myself for ever of your visits , but to abandon you to your deserts ? ' 'And why do n't you abandon me to my deserts ? ' said he . 'You ask me why ! ' returned my aunt . 'What a heart you must have ! ' He stood moodily rattling the money , and shaking his head , until at length he said : 'Is this all you mean to give me , then ? ' 'It is all I CAN give you , ' said my aunt . 'You know I have had losses , and am poorer than I used to be . I have told you so . Having got it , why do you give me the pain of looking at you for another moment , and seeing what you have become ? ' 'I have become shabby enough , if you mean that , ' he said . 'I lead the life of an owl . ' 'You stripped me of the greater part of all I ever had , ' said my aunt . 'You closed my heart against the whole world , years and years . You treated me falsely , ungratefully , and cruelly . Go , and repent of it . Do n't add new injuries to the long , long list of injuries you have done me ! ' 'Aye ! ' he returned . 'It 's all very fine -- Well ! I must do the best I can , for the present , I suppose . ' In spite of himself , he appeared abashed by my aunt 's indignant tears , and came slouching out of the garden . Taking two or three quick steps , as if I had just come up , I met him at the gate , and went in as he came out . We eyed one another narrowly in passing , and with no favour . 'Aunt , ' said I , hurriedly . 'This man alarming you again ! Let me speak to him . Who is he ? ' 'Child , ' returned my aunt , taking my arm , 'come in , and do n't speak to me for ten minutes . ' We sat down in her little parlour . My aunt retired behind the round green fan of former days , which was screwed on the back of a chair , and occasionally wiped her eyes , for about a quarter of an hour . Then she came out , and took a seat beside me . 'Trot , ' said my aunt , calmly , 'it 's my husband . ' 'Your husband , aunt ? I thought he had been dead ! ' 'Dead to me , ' returned my aunt , 'but living . ' I sat in silent amazement . 'Betsey Trotwood do n't look a likely subject for the tender passion , ' said my aunt , composedly , 'but the time was , Trot , when she believed in that man most entirely . When she loved him , Trot , right well . When there was no proof of attachment and affection that she would not have given him . He repaid her by breaking her fortune , and nearly breaking her heart . So she put all that sort of sentiment , once and for ever , in a grave , and filled it up , and flattened it down . ' 'My dear , good aunt ! ' 'I left him , ' my aunt proceeded , laying her hand as usual on the back of mine , 'generously . I may say at this distance of time , Trot , that I left him generously . He had been so cruel to me , that I might have effected a separation on easy terms for myself ; but I did not . He soon made ducks and drakes of what I gave him , sank lower and lower , married another woman , I believe , became an adventurer , a gambler , and a cheat . What he is now , you see . But he was a fine-looking man when I married him , ' said my aunt , with an echo of her old pride and admiration in her tone ; 'and I believed him -- I was a fool ! -- to be the soul of honour ! ' She gave my hand a squeeze , and shook her head . 'He is nothing to me now , Trot -- less than nothing . But , sooner than have him punished for his offences ( as he would be if he prowled about in this country ) , I give him more money than I can afford , at intervals when he reappears , to go away . I was a fool when I married him ; and I am so far an incurable fool on that subject , that , for the sake of what I once believed him to be , I would n't have even this shadow of my idle fancy hardly dealt with . For I was in earnest , Trot , if ever a woman was . ' My aunt dismissed the matter with a heavy sigh , and smoothed her dress . 'There , my dear ! ' she said . 'Now you know the beginning , middle , and end , and all about it . We wo n't mention the subject to one another any more ; neither , of course , will you mention it to anybody else . This is my grumpy , frumpy story , and we 'll keep it to ourselves , Trot ! ' CHAPTER 48 . DOMESTIC I laboured hard at my book , without allowing it to interfere with the punctual discharge of my newspaper duties ; and it came out and was very successful . I was not stunned by the praise which sounded in my ears , notwithstanding that I was keenly alive to it , and thought better of my own performance , I have little doubt , than anybody else did . It has always been in my observation of human nature , that a man who has any good reason to believe in himself never flourishes himself before the faces of other people in order that they may believe in him . For this reason , I retained my modesty in very self-respect ; and the more praise I got , the more I tried to deserve . It is not my purpose , in this record , though in all other essentials it is my written memory , to pursue the history of my own fictions . They express themselves , and I leave them to themselves . When I refer to them , incidentally , it is only as a part of my progress . Having some foundation for believing , by this time , that nature and accident had made me an author , I pursued my vocation with confidence . Without such assurance I should certainly have left it alone , and bestowed my energy on some other endeavour . I should have tried to find out what nature and accident really had made me , and to be that , and nothing else . I had been writing , in the newspaper and elsewhere , so prosperously , that when my new success was achieved , I considered myself reasonably entitled to escape from the dreary debates . One joyful night , therefore , I noted down the music of the parliamentary bagpipes for the last time , and I have never heard it since ; though I still recognize the old drone in the newspapers , without any substantial variation ( except , perhaps , that there is more of it ) , all the livelong session . I now write of the time when I had been married , I suppose , about a year and a half . After several varieties of experiment , we had given up the housekeeping as a bad job . The house kept itself , and we kept a page . The principal function of this retainer was to quarrel with the cook ; in which respect he was a perfect Whittington , without his cat , or the remotest chance of being made Lord Mayor . He appears to me to have lived in a hail of saucepan-lids . His whole existence was a scuffle . He would shriek for help on the most improper occasions , -- as when we had a little dinner-party , or a few friends in the evening , -- and would come tumbling out of the kitchen , with iron missiles flying after him . We wanted to get rid of him , but he was very much attached to us , and would n't go . He was a tearful boy , and broke into such deplorable lamentations , when a cessation of our connexion was hinted at , that we were obliged to keep him . He had no mother -- no anything in the way of a relative , that I could discover , except a sister , who fled to America the moment we had taken him off her hands ; and he became quartered on us like a horrible young changeling . He had a lively perception of his own unfortunate state , and was always rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket , or stooping to blow his nose on the extreme corner of a little pocket-handkerchief , which he never would take completely out of his pocket , but always economized and secreted . This unlucky page , engaged in an evil hour at six pounds ten per annum , was a source of continual trouble to me . I watched him as he grew -- and he grew like scarlet beans -- with painful apprehensions of the time when he would begin to shave ; even of the days when he would be bald or grey . I saw no prospect of ever getting rid of him ; and , projecting myself into the future , used to think what an inconvenience he would be when he was an old man . I never expected anything less , than this unfortunate 's manner of getting me out of my difficulty . He stole Dora 's watch , which , like everything else belonging to us , had no particular place of its own ; and , converting it into money , spent the produce ( he was always a weak-minded boy ) in incessantly riding up and down between London and Uxbridge outside the coach . He was taken to Bow Street , as well as I remember , on the completion of his fifteenth journey ; when four-and-sixpence , and a second-hand fife which he could n't play , were found upon his person . The surprise and its consequences would have been much less disagreeable to me if he had not been penitent . But he was very penitent indeed , and in a peculiar way -- not in the lump , but by instalments . For example : the day after that on which I was obliged to appear against him , he made certain revelations touching a hamper in the cellar , which we believed to be full of wine , but which had nothing in it except bottles and corks . We supposed he had now eased his mind , and told the worst he knew of the cook ; but , a day or two afterwards , his conscience sustained a new twinge , and he disclosed how she had a little girl , who , early every morning , took away our bread ; and also how he himself had been suborned to maintain the milkman in coals . In two or three days more , I was informed by the authorities of his having led to the discovery of sirloins of beef among the kitchen-stuff , and sheets in the rag-bag . A little while afterwards , he broke out in an entirely new direction , and confessed to a knowledge of burglarious intentions as to our premises , on the part of the pot-boy , who was immediately taken up . I got to be so ashamed of being such a victim , that I would have given him any money to hold his tongue , or would have offered a round bribe for his being permitted to run away . It was an aggravating circumstance in the case that he had no idea of this , but conceived that he was making me amends in every new discovery : not to say , heaping obligations on my head . At last I ran away myself , whenever I saw an emissary of the police approaching with some new intelligence ; and lived a stealthy life until he was tried and ordered to be transported . Even then he could n't be quiet , but was always writing us letters ; and wanted so much to see Dora before he went away , that Dora went to visit him , and fainted when she found herself inside the iron bars . In short , I had no peace of my life until he was expatriated , and made ( as I afterwards heard ) a shepherd of , 'up the country ' somewhere ; I have no geographical idea where . All this led me into some serious reflections , and presented our mistakes in a new aspect ; as I could not help communicating to Dora one evening , in spite of my tenderness for her . 'My love , ' said I , 'it is very painful to me to think that our want of system and management , involves not only ourselves ( which we have got used to ) , but other people . ' 'You have been silent for a long time , and now you are going to be cross ! ' said Dora . 'No , my dear , indeed ! Let me explain to you what I mean . ' 'I think I do n't want to know , ' said Dora . 'But I want you to know , my love . Put Jip down . ' Dora put his nose to mine , and said 'Boh ! ' to drive my seriousness away ; but , not succeeding , ordered him into his Pagoda , and sat looking at me , with her hands folded , and a most resigned little expression of countenance . 'The fact is , my dear , ' I began , 'there is contagion in us . We infect everyone about us . ' I might have gone on in this figurative manner , if Dora 's face had not admonished me that she was wondering with all her might whether I was going to propose any new kind of vaccination , or other medical remedy , for this unwholesome state of ours . Therefore I checked myself , and made my meaning plainer . 'It is not merely , my pet , ' said I , 'that we lose money and comfort , and even temper sometimes , by not learning to be more careful ; but that we incur the serious responsibility of spoiling everyone who comes into our service , or has any dealings with us . I begin to be afraid that the fault is not entirely on one side , but that these people all turn out ill because we do n't turn out very well ourselves . ' 'Oh , what an accusation , ' exclaimed Dora , opening her eyes wide ; 'to say that you ever saw me take gold watches ! Oh ! ' 'My dearest , ' I remonstrated , 'do n't talk preposterous nonsense ! Who has made the least allusion to gold watches ? ' 'You did , ' returned Dora . 'You know you did . You said I had n't turned out well , and compared me to him . ' 'To whom ? ' I asked . 'To the page , ' sobbed Dora . 'Oh , you cruel fellow , to compare your affectionate wife to a transported page ! Why did n't you tell me your opinion of me before we were married ? Why did n't you say , you hard-hearted thing , that you were convinced I was worse than a transported page ? Oh , what a dreadful opinion to have of me ! Oh , my goodness ! ' 'Now , Dora , my love , ' I returned , gently trying to remove the handkerchief she pressed to her eyes , 'this is not only very ridiculous of you , but very wrong . In the first place , it 's not true . ' 'You always said he was a story-teller , ' sobbed Dora . 'And now you say the same of me ! Oh , what shall I do ! What shall I do ! ' 'My darling girl , ' I retorted , 'I really must entreat you to be reasonable , and listen to what I did say , and do say . My dear Dora , unless we learn to do our duty to those whom we employ , they will never learn to do their duty to us . I am afraid we present opportunities to people to do wrong , that never ought to be presented . Even if we were as lax as we are , in all our arrangements , by choice -- which we are not -- even if we liked it , and found it agreeable to be so -- which we do n't -- I am persuaded we should have no right to go on in this way . We are positively corrupting people . We are bound to think of that . I can't help thinking of it , Dora . It is a reflection I am unable to dismiss , and it sometimes makes me very uneasy . There , dear , that 's all . Come now . Do n't be foolish ! ' Dora would not allow me , for a long time , to remove the handkerchief . She sat sobbing and murmuring behind it , that , if I was uneasy , why had I ever been married ? Why had n't I said , even the day before we went to church , that I knew I should be uneasy , and I would rather not ? If I could n't bear her , why did n't I send her away to her aunts at Putney , or to Julia Mills in India ? Julia would be glad to see her , and would not call her a transported page ; Julia never had called her anything of the sort . In short , Dora was so afflicted , and so afflicted me by being in that condition , that I felt it was of no use repeating this kind of effort , though never so mildly , and I must take some other course . What other course was left to take ? To 'form her mind ' ? This was a common phrase of words which had a fair and promising sound , and I resolved to form Dora 's mind . I began immediately . When Dora was very childish , and I would have infinitely preferred to humour her , I tried to be grave -- and disconcerted her , and myself too . I talked to her on the subjects which occupied my thoughts ; and I read Shakespeare to her -- and fatigued her to the last degree . I accustomed myself to giving her , as it were quite casually , little scraps of useful information , or sound opinion -- and she started from them when I let them off , as if they had been crackers . No matter how incidentally or naturally I endeavoured to form my little wife 's mind , I could not help seeing that she always had an instinctive perception of what I was about , and became a prey to the keenest apprehensions . In particular , it was clear to me , that she thought Shakespeare a terrible fellow . The formation went on very slowly . I pressed Traddles into the service without his knowledge ; and whenever he came to see us , exploded my mines upon him for the edification of Dora at second hand . The amount of practical wisdom I bestowed upon Traddles in this manner was immense , and of the best quality ; but it had no other effect upon Dora than to depress her spirits , and make her always nervous with the dread that it would be her turn next . I found myself in the condition of a schoolmaster , a trap , a pitfall ; of always playing spider to Dora 's fly , and always pouncing out of my hole to her infinite disturbance . Still , looking forward through this intermediate stage , to the time when there should be a perfect sympathy between Dora and me , and when I should have 'formed her mind ' to my entire satisfaction , I persevered , even for months . Finding at last , however , that , although I had been all this time a very porcupine or hedgehog , bristling all over with determination , I had effected nothing , it began to occur to me that perhaps Dora 's mind was already formed . On further consideration this appeared so likely , that I abandoned my scheme , which had had a more promising appearance in words than in action ; resolving henceforth to be satisfied with my child-wife , and to try to change her into nothing else by any process . I was heartily tired of being sagacious and prudent by myself , and of seeing my darling under restraint ; so I bought a pretty pair of ear-rings for her , and a collar for Jip , and went home one day to make myself agreeable . Dora was delighted with the little presents , and kissed me joyfully ; but there was a shadow between us , however slight , and I had made up my mind that it should not be there . If there must be such a shadow anywhere , I would keep it for the future in my own breast . I sat down by my wife on the sofa , and put the ear-rings in her ears ; and then I told her that I feared we had not been quite as good company lately , as we used to be , and that the fault was mine . Which I sincerely felt , and which indeed it was . 'The truth is , Dora , my life , ' I said ; 'I have been trying to be wise . ' 'And to make me wise too , ' said Dora , timidly . 'Have n't you , Doady ? ' I nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows , and kissed the parted lips . 'It 's of not a bit of use , ' said Dora , shaking her head , until the ear-rings rang again . 'You know what a little thing I am , and what I wanted you to call me from the first . If you ca n't do so , I am afraid you 'll never like me . Are you sure you do n't think , sometimes , it would have been better to have -- ' 'Done what , my dear ? ' For she made no effort to proceed . 'Nothing ! ' said Dora . 'Nothing ? ' I repeated . She put her arms round my neck , and laughed , and called herself by her favourite name of a goose , and hid her face on my shoulder in such a profusion of curls that it was quite a task to clear them away and see it . 'Do n't I think it would have been better to have done nothing , than to have tried to form my little wife 's mind ? ' said I , laughing at myself . 'Is that the question ? Yes , indeed , I do . ' 'Is that what you have been trying ? ' cried Dora . 'Oh what a shocking boy ! ' 'But I shall never try any more , ' said I . 'For I love her dearly as she is . ' 'Without a story -- really ? ' inquired Dora , creeping closer to me . 'Why should I seek to change , ' said I , 'what has been so precious to me for so long ! You never can show better than as your own natural self , my sweet Dora ; and we 'll try no conceited experiments , but go back to our old way , and be happy . ' 'And be happy ! ' returned Dora . 'Yes ! All day ! And you wo n't mind things going a tiny morsel wrong , sometimes ? ' 'No , no , ' said I . 'We must do the best we can . ' 'And you wo n't tell me , any more , that we make other people bad , ' coaxed Dora ; 'will you ? Because you know it 's so dreadfully cross ! ' 'No , no , ' said I . 'It 's better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable , is n't it ? ' said Dora . 'Better to be naturally Dora than anything else in the world . ' 'In the world ! Ah , Doady , it 's a large place ! ' She shook her head , turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine , kissed me , broke into a merry laugh , and sprang away to put on Jip 's new collar . So ended my last attempt to make any change in Dora . I had been unhappy in trying it ; I could not endure my own solitary wisdom ; I could not reconcile it with her former appeal to me as my child-wife . I resolved to do what I could , in a quiet way , to improve our proceedings myself , but I foresaw that my utmost would be very little , or I must degenerate into the spider again , and be for ever lying in wait . And the shadow I have mentioned , that was not to be between us any more , but was to rest wholly on my own heart ? How did that fall ? The old unhappy feeling pervaded my life . It was deepened , if it were changed at all ; but it was as undefined as ever , and addressed me like a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night . I loved my wife dearly , and I was happy ; but the happiness I had vaguely anticipated , once , was not the happiness I enjoyed , and there was always something wanting . In fulfilment of the compact I have made with myself , to reflect my mind on this paper , I again examine it , closely , and bring its secrets to the light . What I missed , I still regarded -- I always regarded -- as something that had been a dream of my youthful fancy ; that was incapable of realization ; that I was now discovering to be so , with some natural pain , as all men did . But that it would have been better for me if my wife could have helped me more , and shared the many thoughts in which I had no partner ; and that this might have been ; I knew . Between these two irreconcilable conclusions : the one , that what I felt was general and unavoidable ; the other , that it was particular to me , and might have been different : I balanced curiously , with no distinct sense of their opposition to each other . When I thought of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of realization , I thought of the better state preceding manhood that I had outgrown ; and then the contented days with Agnes , in the dear old house , arose before me , like spectres of the dead , that might have some renewal in another world , but never more could be reanimated here . Sometimes , the speculation came into my thoughts , What might have happened , or what would have happened , if Dora and I had never known each other ? But she was so incorporated with my existence , that it was the idlest of all fancies , and would soon rise out of my reach and sight , like gossamer floating in the air . I always loved her . What I am describing , slumbered , and half awoke , and slept again , in the innermost recesses of my mind . There was no evidence of it in me ; I know of no influence it had in anything I said or did . I bore the weight of all our little cares , and all my projects ; Dora held the pens ; and we both felt that our shares were adjusted as the case required . She was truly fond of me , and proud of me ; and when Agnes wrote a few earnest words in her letters to Dora , of the pride and interest with which my old friends heard of my growing reputation , and read my book as if they heard me speaking its contents , Dora read them out to me with tears of joy in her bright eyes , and said I was a dear old clever , famous boy . 'The first mistaken impulse of an undisciplined heart . ' Those words of Mrs. Strong 's were constantly recurring to me , at this time ; were almost always present to my mind . I awoke with them , often , in the night ; I remember to have even read them , in dreams , inscribed upon the walls of houses . For I knew , now , that my own heart was undisciplined when it first loved Dora ; and that if it had been disciplined , it never could have felt , when we were married , what it had felt in its secret experience . 'There can be no disparity in marriage , like unsuitability of mind and purpose . ' Those words I remembered too . I had endeavoured to adapt Dora to myself , and found it impracticable . It remained for me to adapt myself to Dora ; to share with her what I could , and be happy ; to bear on my own shoulders what I must , and be happy still . This was the discipline to which I tried to bring my heart , when I began to think . It made my second year much happier than my first ; and , what was better still , made Dora 's life all sunshine . But , as that year wore on , Dora was not strong . I had hoped that lighter hands than mine would help to mould her character , and that a baby-smile upon her breast might change my child-wife to a woman . It was not to be . The spirit fluttered for a moment on the threshold of its little prison , and , unconscious of captivity , took wing . 'When I can run about again , as I used to do , aunt , ' said Dora , 'I shall make Jip race . He is getting quite slow and lazy . ' 'I suspect , my dear , ' said my aunt quietly working by her side , 'he has a worse disorder than that . Age , Dora . ' 'Do you think he is old ? ' said Dora , astonished . 'Oh , how strange it seems that Jip should be old ! ' 'It 's a complaint we are all liable to , Little One , as we get on in life , ' said my aunt , cheerfully ; 'I do n't feel more free from it than I used to be , I assure you . ' 'But Jip , ' said Dora , looking at him with compassion , 'even little Jip ! Oh , poor fellow ! ' 'I dare say he 'll last a long time yet , Blossom , ' said my aunt , patting Dora on the cheek , as she leaned out of her couch to look at Jip , who responded by standing on his hind legs , and baulking himself in various asthmatic attempts to scramble up by the head and shoulders . 'He must have a piece of flannel in his house this winter , and I should n't wonder if he came out quite fresh again , with the flowers in the spring . Bless the little dog ! ' exclaimed my aunt , 'if he had as many lives as a cat , and was on the point of losing 'em all , he 'd bark at me with his last breath , I believe ! ' Dora had helped him up on the sofa ; where he really was defying my aunt to such a furious extent , that he could n't keep straight , but barked himself sideways . The more my aunt looked at him , the more he reproached her ; for she had lately taken to spectacles , and for some inscrutable reason he considered the glasses personal . Dora made him lie down by her , with a good deal of persuasion ; and when he was quiet , drew one of his long ears through and through her hand , repeating thoughtfully , 'Even little Jip ! Oh , poor fellow ! ' 'His lungs are good enough , ' said my aunt , gaily , 'and his dislikes are not at all feeble . He has a good many years before him , no doubt . But if you want a dog to race with , Little Blossom , he has lived too well for that , and I 'll give you one . ' 'Thank you , aunt , ' said Dora , faintly . 'But do n't , please ! ' 'No ? ' said my aunt , taking off her spectacles . 'I could n't have any other dog but Jip , ' said Dora . 'It would be so unkind to Jip ! Besides , I could n't be such friends with any other dog but Jip ; because he would n't have known me before I was married , and would n't have barked at Doady when he first came to our house . I could n't care for any other dog but Jip , I am afraid , aunt . ' 'To be sure ! ' said my aunt , patting her cheek again . 'You are right . ' 'You are not offended , ' said Dora . 'Are you ? ' 'Why , what a sensitive pet it is ! ' cried my aunt , bending over her affectionately . 'To think that I could be offended ! ' 'No , no , I did n't really think so , ' returned Dora ; 'but I am a little tired , and it made me silly for a moment -- I am always a silly little thing , you know , but it made me more silly -- to talk about Jip . He has known me in all that has happened to me , have n't you , Jip ? And I could n't bear to slight him , because he was a little altered -- could I , Jip ? ' Jip nestled closer to his mistress , and lazily licked her hand . 'You are not so old , Jip , are you , that you 'll leave your mistress yet ? ' said Dora . 'We may keep one another company a little longer ! ' My pretty Dora ! When she came down to dinner on the ensuing Sunday , and was so glad to see old Traddles ( who always dined with us on Sunday ) , we thought she would be 'running about as she used to do ' , in a few days . But they said , wait a few days more ; and then , wait a few days more ; and still she neither ran nor walked . She looked very pretty , and was very merry ; but the little feet that used to be so nimble when they danced round Jip , were dull and motionless . I began to carry her downstairs every morning , and upstairs every night . She would clasp me round the neck and laugh , the while , as if I did it for a wager . Jip would bark and caper round us , and go on before , and look back on the landing , breathing short , to see that we were coming . My aunt , the best and most cheerful of nurses , would trudge after us , a moving mass of shawls and pillows . Mr. Dick would not have relinquished his post of candle-bearer to anyone alive . Traddles would be often at the bottom of the staircase , looking on , and taking charge of sportive messages from Dora to the dearest girl in the world . We made quite a gay procession of it , and my child-wife was the gayest there . But , sometimes , when I took her up , and felt that she was lighter in my arms , a dead blank feeling came upon me , as if I were approaching to some frozen region yet unseen , that numbed my life . I avoided the recognition of this feeling by any name , or by any communing with myself ; until one night , when it was very strong upon me , and my aunt had left her with a parting cry of 'Good night , Little Blossom , ' I sat down at my desk alone , and tried to think , Oh what a fatal name it was , and how the blossom withered in its bloom upon the tree ! CHAPTER 49 . I AM INVOLVED IN MYSTERY I received one morning by the post , the following letter , dated Canterbury , and addressed to me at Doctor 's Commons ; which I read with some surprise : 'MY DEAR SIR , 'Circumstances beyond my individual control have , for a considerable lapse of time , effected a severance of that intimacy which , in the limited opportunities conceded to me in the midst of my professional duties , of contemplating the scenes and events of the past , tinged by the prismatic hues of memory , has ever afforded me , as it ever must continue to afford , gratifying emotions of no common description . This fact , my dear sir , combined with the distinguished elevation to which your talents have raised you , deters me from presuming to aspire to the liberty of addressing the companion of my youth , by the familiar appellation of Copperfield ! It is sufficient to know that the name to which I do myself the honour to refer , will ever be treasured among the muniments of our house ( I allude to the archives connected with our former lodgers , preserved by Mrs. Micawber ) , with sentiments of personal esteem amounting to affection . 'It is not for one , situated , through his original errors and a fortuitous combination of unpropitious events , as is the foundered Bark ( if he may be allowed to assume so maritime a denomination ) , who now takes up the pen to address you -- it is not , I repeat , for one so circumstanced , to adopt the language of compliment , or of congratulation . That he leaves to abler and to purer hands . 'If your more important avocations should admit of your ever tracing these imperfect characters thus far -- which may be , or may not be , as circumstances arise -- you will naturally inquire by what object am I influenced , then , in inditing the present missive ? Allow me to say that I fully defer to the reasonable character of that inquiry , and proceed to develop it ; premising that it is not an object of a pecuniary nature . 'Without more directly referring to any latent ability that may possibly exist on my part , of wielding the thunderbolt , or directing the devouring and avenging flame in any quarter , I may be permitted to observe , in passing , that my brightest visions are for ever dispelled -- that my peace is shattered and my power of enjoyment destroyed -- that my heart is no longer in the right place -- and that I no more walk erect before my fellow man . The canker is in the flower . The cup is bitter to the brim . The worm is at his work , and will soon dispose of his victim . The sooner the better . But I will not digress . 'Placed in a mental position of peculiar painfulness , beyond the assuaging reach even of Mrs. Micawber 's influence , though exercised in the tripartite character of woman , wife , and mother , it is my intention to fly from myself for a short period , and devote a respite of eight-and-forty hours to revisiting some metropolitan scenes of past enjoyment . Among other havens of domestic tranquillity and peace of mind , my feet will naturally tend towards the King 's Bench Prison . In stating that I shall be ( D. V. ) on the outside of the south wall of that place of incarceration on civil process , the day after tomorrow , at seven in the evening , precisely , my object in this epistolary communication is accomplished . 'I do not feel warranted in soliciting my former friend Mr. Copperfield , or my former friend Mr. Thomas Traddles of the Inner Temple , if that gentleman is still existent and forthcoming , to condescend to meet me , and renew ( so far as may be ) our past relations of the olden time . I confine myself to throwing out the observation , that , at the hour and place I have indicated , may be found such ruined vestiges as yet 'Remain , 'Of 'A 'Fallen Tower , 'WILKINS MICAWBER . 'P.S . It may be advisable to superadd to the above , the statement that Mrs. Micawber is not in confidential possession of my intentions . ' I read the letter over several times . Making due allowance for Mr. Micawber 's lofty style of composition , and for the extraordinary relish with which he sat down and wrote long letters on all possible and impossible occasions , I still believed that something important lay hidden at the bottom of this roundabout communication . I put it down , to think about it ; and took it up again , to read it once more ; and was still pursuing it , when Traddles found me in the height of my perplexity . 'My dear fellow , ' said I , 'I never was better pleased to see you . You come to give me the benefit of your sober judgement at a most opportune time . I have received a very singular letter , Traddles , from Mr . Micawber . ' 'No ? ' cried Traddles . 'You do n't say so ? And I have received one from Mrs . Micawber ! ' With that , Traddles , who was flushed with walking , and whose hair , under the combined effects of exercise and excitement , stood on end as if he saw a cheerful ghost , produced his letter and made an exchange with me . I watched him into the heart of Mr. Micawber 's letter , and returned the elevation of eyebrows with which he said `` 'Wielding the thunderbolt , or directing the devouring and avenging flame ! '' Bless me , Copperfield ! ' -- and then entered on the perusal of Mrs. Micawber's epistle . It ran thus : 'My best regards to Mr. Thomas Traddles , and if he should still remember one who formerly had the happiness of being well acquainted with him , may I beg a few moments of his leisure time ? I assure Mr. T. T. that I would not intrude upon his kindness , were I in any other position than on the confines of distraction . 'Though harrowing to myself to mention , the alienation of Mr. Micawber ( formerly so domesticated ) from his wife and family , is the cause of my addressing my unhappy appeal to Mr. Traddles , and soliciting his best indulgence . Mr. T. can form no adequate idea of the change in Mr. Micawber 's conduct , of his wildness , of his violence . It has gradually augmented , until it assumes the appearance of aberration of intellect . Scarcely a day passes , I assure Mr. Traddles , on which some paroxysm does not take place . Mr. T. will not require me to depict my feelings , when I inform him that I have become accustomed to hear Mr. Micawber assert that he has sold himself to the D. Mystery and secrecy have long been his principal characteristic , have long replaced unlimited confidence . The slightest provocation , even being asked if there is anything he would prefer for dinner , causes him to express a wish for a separation . Last night , on being childishly solicited for twopence , to buy 'lemon-stunners ' -- a local sweetmeat -- he presented an oyster-knife at the twins ! 'I entreat Mr. Traddles to bear with me in entering into these details . Without them , Mr. T. would indeed find it difficult to form the faintest conception of my heart-rending situation . 'May I now venture to confide to Mr. T. the purport of my letter ? Will he now allow me to throw myself on his friendly consideration ? Oh yes , for I know his heart ! 'The quick eye of affection is not easily blinded , when of the female sex . Mr. Micawber is going to London . Though he studiously concealed his hand , this morning before breakfast , in writing the direction-card which he attached to the little brown valise of happier days , the eagle-glance of matrimonial anxiety detected , d , o , n , distinctly traced . The West-End destination of the coach , is the Golden Cross . Dare I fervently implore Mr. T. to see my misguided husband , and to reason with him ? Dare I ask Mr. T. to endeavour to step in between Mr. Micawber and his agonized family ? Oh no , for that would be too much ! 'If Mr. Copperfield should yet remember one unknown to fame , will Mr. T. take charge of my unalterable regards and similar entreaties ? In any case , he will have the benevolence to consider this communication strictly private , and on no account whatever to be alluded to , however distantly , in the presence of Mr. Micawber . If Mr. T. should ever reply to it ( which I can not but feel to be most improbable ) , a letter addressed to M. E. , Post Office , Canterbury , will be fraught with less painful consequences than any addressed immediately to one , who subscribes herself , in extreme distress , 'Mr . Thomas Traddles 's respectful friend and suppliant , 'EMMA MICAWBER . ' 'What do you think of that letter ? ' said Traddles , casting his eyes upon me , when I had read it twice . 'What do you think of the other ? ' said I . For he was still reading it with knitted brows . 'I think that the two together , Copperfield , ' replied Traddles , 'mean more than Mr. and Mrs. Micawber usually mean in their correspondence -- but I do n't know what . They are both written in good faith , I have no doubt , and without any collusion . Poor thing ! ' he was now alluding to Mrs. Micawber 's letter , and we were standing side by side comparing the two ; 'it will be a charity to write to her , at all events , and tell her that we will not fail to see Mr . Micawber . ' I acceded to this the more readily , because I now reproached myself with having treated her former letter rather lightly . It had set me thinking a good deal at the time , as I have mentioned in its place ; but my absorption in my own affairs , my experience of the family , and my hearing nothing more , had gradually ended in my dismissing the subject . I had often thought of the Micawbers , but chiefly to wonder what 'pecuniary liabilities ' they were establishing in Canterbury , and to recall how shy Mr. Micawber was of me when he became clerk to Uriah Heep . However , I now wrote a comforting letter to Mrs. Micawber , in our joint names , and we both signed it . As we walked into town to post it , Traddles and I held a long conference , and launched into a number of speculations , which I need not repeat . We took my aunt into our counsels in the afternoon ; but our only decided conclusion was , that we would be very punctual in keeping Mr. Micawber 's appointment . Although we appeared at the stipulated place a quarter of an hour before the time , we found Mr. Micawber already there . He was standing with his arms folded , over against the wall , looking at the spikes on the top , with a sentimental expression , as if they were the interlacing boughs of trees that had shaded him in his youth . When we accosted him , his manner was something more confused , and something less genteel , than of yore . He had relinquished his legal suit of black for the purposes of this excursion , and wore the old surtout and tights , but not quite with the old air . He gradually picked up more and more of it as we conversed with him ; but , his very eye-glass seemed to hang less easily , and his shirt-collar , though still of the old formidable dimensions , rather drooped . 'Gentlemen ! ' said Mr. Micawber , after the first salutations , 'you are friends in need , and friends indeed . Allow me to offer my inquiries with reference to the physical welfare of Mrs. Copperfield in esse , and Mrs. Traddles in posse , -- presuming , that is to say , that my friend Mr. Traddles is not yet united to the object of his affections , for weal and for woe . ' We acknowledged his politeness , and made suitable replies . He then directed our attention to the wall , and was beginning , 'I assure you , gentlemen , ' when I ventured to object to that ceremonious form of address , and to beg that he would speak to us in the old way . 'My dear Copperfield , ' he returned , pressing my hand , 'your cordiality overpowers me . This reception of a shattered fragment of the Temple once called Man -- if I may be permitted so to express myself -- bespeaks a heart that is an honour to our common nature . I was about to observe that I again behold the serene spot where some of the happiest hours of my existence fleeted by . ' 'Made so , I am sure , by Mrs. Micawber , ' said I . 'I hope she is well ? ' 'Thank you , ' returned Mr. Micawber , whose face clouded at this reference , 'she is but so-so . And this , ' said Mr. Micawber , nodding his head sorrowfully , 'is the Bench ! Where , for the first time in many revolving years , the overwhelming pressure of pecuniary liabilities was not proclaimed , from day to day , by importune voices declining to vacate the passage ; where there was no knocker on the door for any creditor to appeal to ; where personal service of process was not required , and detainees were merely lodged at the gate ! Gentlemen , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'when the shadow of that iron-work on the summit of the brick structure has been reflected on the gravel of the Parade , I have seen my children thread the mazes of the intricate pattern , avoiding the dark marks . I have been familiar with every stone in the place . If I betray weakness , you will know how to excuse me . ' 'We have all got on in life since then , Mr. Micawber , ' said I . 'Mr . Copperfield , ' returned Mr. Micawber , bitterly , 'when I was an inmate of that retreat I could look my fellow-man in the face , and punch his head if he offended me . My fellow-man and myself are no longer on those glorious terms ! ' Turning from the building in a downcast manner , Mr. Micawber accepted my proffered arm on one side , and the proffered arm of Traddles on the other , and walked away between us . 'There are some landmarks , ' observed Mr. Micawber , looking fondly back over his shoulder , 'on the road to the tomb , which , but for the impiety of the aspiration , a man would wish never to have passed . Such is the Bench in my chequered career . ' 'Oh , you are in low spirits , Mr. Micawber , ' said Traddles . 'I am , sir , ' interposed Mr. Micawber . 'I hope , ' said Traddles , 'it is not because you have conceived a dislike to the law -- for I am a lawyer myself , you know . ' Mr. Micawber answered not a word . 'How is our friend Heep , Mr . Micawber ? ' said I , after a silence . 'My dear Copperfield , ' returned Mr. Micawber , bursting into a state of much excitement , and turning pale , 'if you ask after my employer as YOUR friend , I am sorry for it ; if you ask after him as MY friend , I sardonically smile at it . In whatever capacity you ask after my employer , I beg , without offence to you , to limit my reply to this -- that whatever his state of health may be , his appearance is foxy : not to say diabolical . You will allow me , as a private individual , to decline pursuing a subject which has lashed me to the utmost verge of desperation in my professional capacity . ' I expressed my regret for having innocently touched upon a theme that roused him so much . 'May I ask , ' said I , 'without any hazard of repeating the mistake , how my old friends Mr. and Miss Wickfield are ? ' 'Miss Wickfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , now turning red , 'is , as she always is , a pattern , and a bright example . My dear Copperfield , she is the only starry spot in a miserable existence . My respect for that young lady , my admiration of her character , my devotion to her for her love and truth , and goodness ! -- Take me , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'down a turning , for , upon my soul , in my present state of mind I am not equal to this ! ' We wheeled him off into a narrow street , where he took out his pocket-handkerchief , and stood with his back to a wall . If I looked as gravely at him as Traddles did , he must have found our company by no means inspiriting . 'It is my fate , ' said Mr. Micawber , unfeignedly sobbing , but doing even that , with a shadow of the old expression of doing something genteel ; 'it is my fate , gentlemen , that the finer feelings of our nature have become reproaches to me . My homage to Miss Wickfield , is a flight of arrows in my bosom . You had better leave me , if you please , to walk the earth as a vagabond . The worm will settle my business in double-quick time . ' Without attending to this invocation , we stood by , until he put up his pocket-handkerchief , pulled up his shirt-collar , and , to delude any person in the neighbourhood who might have been observing him , hummed a tune with his hat very much on one side . I then mentioned -- not knowing what might be lost if we lost sight of him yet -- that it would give me great pleasure to introduce him to my aunt , if he would ride out to Highgate , where a bed was at his service . 'You shall make us a glass of your own punch , Mr. Micawber , ' said I , 'and forget whatever you have on your mind , in pleasanter reminiscences . ' 'Or , if confiding anything to friends will be more likely to relieve you , you shall impart it to us , Mr. Micawber , ' said Traddles , prudently . 'Gentlemen , ' returned Mr. Micawber , 'do with me as you will ! I am a straw upon the surface of the deep , and am tossed in all directions by the elephants -- I beg your pardon ; I should have said the elements . ' We walked on , arm-in-arm , again ; found the coach in the act of starting ; and arrived at Highgate without encountering any difficulties by the way . I was very uneasy and very uncertain in my mind what to say or do for the best -- so was Traddles , evidently . Mr. Micawber was for the most part plunged into deep gloom . He occasionally made an attempt to smarten himself , and hum the fag-end of a tune ; but his relapses into profound melancholy were only made the more impressive by the mockery of a hat exceedingly on one side , and a shirt-collar pulled up to his eyes . We went to my aunt 's house rather than to mine , because of Dora 's not being well . My aunt presented herself on being sent for , and welcomed Mr. Micawber with gracious cordiality . Mr. Micawber kissed her hand , retired to the window , and pulling out his pocket-handkerchief , had a mental wrestle with himself . Mr. Dick was at home . He was by nature so exceedingly compassionate of anyone who seemed to be ill at ease , and was so quick to find any such person out , that he shook hands with Mr. Micawber , at least half-a-dozen times in five minutes . To Mr. Micawber , in his trouble , this warmth , on the part of a stranger , was so extremely touching , that he could only say , on the occasion of each successive shake , 'My dear sir , you overpower me ! ' Which gratified Mr. Dick so much , that he went at it again with greater vigour than before . 'The friendliness of this gentleman , ' said Mr. Micawber to my aunt , 'if you will allow me , ma'am , to cull a figure of speech from the vocabulary of our coarser national sports -- floors me . To a man who is struggling with a complicated burden of perplexity and disquiet , such a reception is trying , I assure you . ' 'My friend Mr. Dick , ' replied my aunt proudly , 'is not a common man . ' 'That I am convinced of , ' said Mr. Micawber . 'My dear sir ! ' for Mr. Dick was shaking hands with him again ; 'I am deeply sensible of your cordiality ! ' 'How do you find yourself ? ' said Mr. Dick , with an anxious look . 'Indifferent , my dear sir , ' returned Mr. Micawber , sighing . 'You must keep up your spirits , ' said Mr. Dick , 'and make yourself as comfortable as possible . ' Mr. Micawber was quite overcome by these friendly words , and by finding Mr. Dick 's hand again within his own . 'It has been my lot , ' he observed , 'to meet , in the diversified panorama of human existence , with an occasional oasis , but never with one so green , so gushing , as the present ! ' At another time I should have been amused by this ; but I felt that we were all constrained and uneasy , and I watched Mr. Micawber so anxiously , in his vacillations between an evident disposition to reveal something , and a counter-disposition to reveal nothing , that I was in a perfect fever . Traddles , sitting on the edge of his chair , with his eyes wide open , and his hair more emphatically erect than ever , stared by turns at the ground and at Mr. Micawber , without so much as attempting to put in a word . My aunt , though I saw that her shrewdest observation was concentrated on her new guest , had more useful possession of her wits than either of us ; for she held him in conversation , and made it necessary for him to talk , whether he liked it or not . 'You are a very old friend of my nephew 's , Mr. Micawber , ' said my aunt . 'I wish I had had the pleasure of seeing you before . ' 'Madam , ' returned Mr. Micawber , 'I wish I had had the honour of knowing you at an earlier period . I was not always the wreck you at present behold . ' 'I hope Mrs. Micawber and your family are well , sir , ' said my aunt . Mr. Micawber inclined his head . 'They are as well , ma'am , ' he desperately observed after a pause , 'as Aliens and Outcasts can ever hope to be . ' 'Lord bless you , sir ! ' exclaimed my aunt , in her abrupt way . 'What are you talking about ? ' 'The subsistence of my family , ma'am , ' returned Mr. Micawber , 'trembles in the balance . My employer -- ' Here Mr. Micawber provokingly left off ; and began to peel the lemons that had been under my directions set before him , together with all the other appliances he used in making punch . 'Your employer , you know , ' said Mr. Dick , jogging his arm as a gentle reminder . 'My good sir , ' returned Mr. Micawber , 'you recall me , I am obliged to you . ' They shook hands again . 'My employer , ma'am -- Mr. Heep -- once did me the favour to observe to me , that if I were not in the receipt of the stipendiary emoluments appertaining to my engagement with him , I should probably be a mountebank about the country , swallowing a sword-blade , and eating the devouring element . For anything that I can perceive to the contrary , it is still probable that my children may be reduced to seek a livelihood by personal contortion , while Mrs. Micawber abets their unnatural feats by playing the barrel-organ . ' Mr. Micawber , with a random but expressive flourish of his knife , signified that these performances might be expected to take place after he was no more ; then resumed his peeling with a desperate air . My aunt leaned her elbow on the little round table that she usually kept beside her , and eyed him attentively . Notwithstanding the aversion with which I regarded the idea of entrapping him into any disclosure he was not prepared to make voluntarily , I should have taken him up at this point , but for the strange proceedings in which I saw him engaged ; whereof his putting the lemon-peel into the kettle , the sugar into the snuffer-tray , the spirit into the empty jug , and confidently attempting to pour boiling water out of a candlestick , were among the most remarkable . I saw that a crisis was at hand , and it came . He clattered all his means and implements together , rose from his chair , pulled out his pocket-handkerchief , and burst into tears . 'My dear Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , behind his handkerchief , 'this is an occupation , of all others , requiring an untroubled mind , and self-respect . I can not perform it . It is out of the question . ' 'Mr . Micawber , ' said I , 'what is the matter ? Pray speak out . You are among friends . ' 'Among friends , sir ! ' repeated Mr. Micawber ; and all he had reserved came breaking out of him . 'Good heavens , it is principally because I AM among friends that my state of mind is what it is . What is the matter , gentlemen ? What is NOT the matter ? Villainy is the matter ; baseness is the matter ; deception , fraud , conspiracy , are the matter ; and the name of the whole atrocious mass is -- HEEP ! ' My aunt clapped her hands , and we all started up as if we were possessed . 'The struggle is over ! ' said Mr. Micawber violently gesticulating with his pocket-handkerchief , and fairly striking out from time to time with both arms , as if he were swimming under superhuman difficulties . 'I will lead this life no longer . I am a wretched being , cut off from everything that makes life tolerable . I have been under a Taboo in that infernal scoundrel 's service . Give me back my wife , give me back my family , substitute Micawber for the petty wretch who walks about in the boots at present on my feet , and call upon me to swallow a sword tomorrow , and I 'll do it . With an appetite ! ' I never saw a man so hot in my life . I tried to calm him , that we might come to something rational ; but he got hotter and hotter , and wouldn't hear a word . 'I 'll put my hand in no man 's hand , ' said Mr. Micawber , gasping , puffing , and sobbing , to that degree that he was like a man fighting with cold water , 'until I have -- blown to fragments -- the -- a -- detestable -- serpent -- HEEP ! I 'll partake of no one 's hospitality , until I have -- a -- moved Mount Vesuvius -- to eruption -- on -- a -- the abandoned rascal -- HEEP ! Refreshment -- a -- underneath this roof -- particularly punch -- would -- a -- choke me -- unless -- I had -- previously -- choked the eyes -- out of the head -- a -- of -- interminable cheat , and liar -- HEEP ! I -- a -- I 'll know nobody -- and -- a -- say nothing -- and -- a -- live nowhere -- until I have crushed -- to -- a -- undiscoverable atoms -- the -- transcendent and immortal hypocrite and perjurer -- HEEP ! ' I really had some fear of Mr. Micawber 's dying on the spot . The manner in which he struggled through these inarticulate sentences , and , whenever he found himself getting near the name of Heep , fought his way on to it , dashed at it in a fainting state , and brought it out with a vehemence little less than marvellous , was frightful ; but now , when he sank into a chair , steaming , and looked at us , with every possible colour in his face that had no business there , and an endless procession of lumps following one another in hot haste up his throat , whence they seemed to shoot into his forehead , he had the appearance of being in the last extremity . I would have gone to his assistance , but he waved me off , and would n't hear a word . 'No , Copperfield ! -- No communication -- a -- until -- Miss Wickfield -- a -- redress from wrongs inflicted by consummate scoundrel -- HEEP ! ' ( I am quite convinced he could not have uttered three words , but for the amazing energy with which this word inspired him when he felt it coming . ) 'Inviolable secret -- a -- from the whole world -- a -- no exceptions -- this day week -- a -- at breakfast-time -- a -- everybody present -- including aunt -- a -- and extremely friendly gentleman -- to be at the hotel at Canterbury -- a -- where -- Mrs. Micawber and myself -- Auld Lang Syne in chorus -- and -- a -- will expose intolerable ruffian -- HEEP ! No more to say -- a -- or listen to persuasion -- go immediately -- not capable -- a -- bear society -- upon the track of devoted and doomed traitor -- HEEP ! ' With this last repetition of the magic word that had kept him going at all , and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts , Mr. Micawber rushed out of the house ; leaving us in a state of excitement , hope , and wonder , that reduced us to a condition little better than his own . But even then his passion for writing letters was too strong to be resisted ; for while we were yet in the height of our excitement , hope , and wonder , the following pastoral note was brought to me from a neighbouring tavern , at which he had called to write it : -- 'Most secret and confidential . 'MY DEAR SIR , 'I beg to be allowed to convey , through you , my apologies to your excellent aunt for my late excitement . An explosion of a smouldering volcano long suppressed , was the result of an internal contest more easily conceived than described . 'I trust I rendered tolerably intelligible my appointment for the morning of this day week , at the house of public entertainment at Canterbury , where Mrs. Micawber and myself had once the honour of uniting our voices to yours , in the well-known strain of the Immortal exciseman nurtured beyond the Tweed . 'The duty done , and act of reparation performed , which can alone enable me to contemplate my fellow mortal , I shall be known no more . I shall simply require to be deposited in that place of universal resort , where Each in his narrow cell for ever laid , The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep , ' -- With the plain Inscription , 'WILKINS MICAWBER . ' CHAPTER 50 . Mr. PEGGOTTY 'S DREAM COMES TRUE By this time , some months had passed since our interview on the bank of the river with Martha . I had never seen her since , but she had communicated with Mr. Peggotty on several occasions . Nothing had come of her zealous intervention ; nor could I infer , from what he told me , that any clue had been obtained , for a moment , to Emily 's fate . I confess that I began to despair of her recovery , and gradually to sink deeper and deeper into the belief that she was dead . His conviction remained unchanged . So far as I know -- and I believe his honest heart was transparent to me -- he never wavered again , in his solemn certainty of finding her . His patience never tired . And , although I trembled for the agony it might one day be to him to have his strong assurance shivered at a blow , there was something so religious in it , so affectingly expressive of its anchor being in the purest depths of his fine nature , that the respect and honour in which I held him were exalted every day . His was not a lazy trustfulness that hoped , and did no more . He had been a man of sturdy action all his life , and he knew that in all things wherein he wanted help he must do his own part faithfully , and help himself . I have known him set out in the night , on a misgiving that the light might not be , by some accident , in the window of the old boat , and walk to Yarmouth . I have known him , on reading something in the newspaper that might apply to her , take up his stick , and go forth on a journey of three -- or four-score miles . He made his way by sea to Naples , and back , after hearing the narrative to which Miss Dartle had assisted me . All his journeys were ruggedly performed ; for he was always steadfast in a purpose of saving money for Emily 's sake , when she should be found . In all this long pursuit , I never heard him repine ; I never heard him say he was fatigued , or out of heart . Dora had often seen him since our marriage , and was quite fond of him . I fancy his figure before me now , standing near her sofa , with his rough cap in his hand , and the blue eyes of my child-wife raised , with a timid wonder , to his face . Sometimes of an evening , about twilight , when he came to talk with me , I would induce him to smoke his pipe in the garden , as we slowly paced to and fro together ; and then , the picture of his deserted home , and the comfortable air it used to have in my childish eyes of an evening when the fire was burning , and the wind moaning round it , came most vividly into my mind . One evening , at this hour , he told me that he had found Martha waiting near his lodging on the preceding night when he came out , and that she had asked him not to leave London on any account , until he should have seen her again . 'Did she tell you why ? ' I inquired . 'I asked her , Mas'r Davy , ' he replied , 'but it is but few words as she ever says , and she on'y got my promise and so went away . ' 'Did she say when you might expect to see her again ? ' I demanded . 'No , Mas'r Davy , ' he returned , drawing his hand thoughtfully down his face . 'I asked that too ; but it was more ( she said ) than she could tell . ' As I had long forborne to encourage him with hopes that hung on threads , I made no other comment on this information than that I supposed he would see her soon . Such speculations as it engendered within me I kept to myself , and those were faint enough . I was walking alone in the garden , one evening , about a fortnight afterwards . I remember that evening well . It was the second in Mr. Micawber 's week of suspense . There had been rain all day , and there was a damp feeling in the air . The leaves were thick upon the trees , and heavy with wet ; but the rain had ceased , though the sky was still dark ; and the hopeful birds were singing cheerfully . As I walked to and fro in the garden , and the twilight began to close around me , their little voices were hushed ; and that peculiar silence which belongs to such an evening in the country when the lightest trees are quite still , save for the occasional droppings from their boughs , prevailed . There was a little green perspective of trellis-work and ivy at the side of our cottage , through which I could see , from the garden where I was walking , into the road before the house . I happened to turn my eyes towards this place , as I was thinking of many things ; and I saw a figure beyond , dressed in a plain cloak . It was bending eagerly towards me , and beckoning . 'Martha ! ' said I , going to it . 'Can you come with me ? ' she inquired , in an agitated whisper . 'I have been to him , and he is not at home . I wrote down where he was to come , and left it on his table with my own hand . They said he would not be out long . I have tidings for him . Can you come directly ? ' My answer was , to pass out at the gate immediately . She made a hasty gesture with her hand , as if to entreat my patience and my silence , and turned towards London , whence , as her dress betokened , she had come expeditiously on foot . I asked her if that were not our destination ? On her motioning Yes , with the same hasty gesture as before , I stopped an empty coach that was coming by , and we got into it . When I asked her where the coachman was to drive , she answered , 'Anywhere near Golden Square ! And quick ! ' -- then shrunk into a corner , with one trembling hand before her face , and the other making the former gesture , as if she could not bear a voice . Now much disturbed , and dazzled with conflicting gleams of hope and dread , I looked at her for some explanation . But seeing how strongly she desired to remain quiet , and feeling that it was my own natural inclination too , at such a time , I did not attempt to break the silence . We proceeded without a word being spoken . Sometimes she glanced out of the window , as though she thought we were going slowly , though indeed we were going fast ; but otherwise remained exactly as at first . We alighted at one of the entrances to the Square she had mentioned , where I directed the coach to wait , not knowing but that we might have some occasion for it . She laid her hand on my arm , and hurried me on to one of the sombre streets , of which there are several in that part , where the houses were once fair dwellings in the occupation of single families , but have , and had , long degenerated into poor lodgings let off in rooms . Entering at the open door of one of these , and releasing my arm , she beckoned me to follow her up the common staircase , which was like a tributary channel to the street . The house swarmed with inmates . As we went up , doors of rooms were opened and people 's heads put out ; and we passed other people on the stairs , who were coming down . In glancing up from the outside , before we entered , I had seen women and children lolling at the windows over flower-pots ; and we seemed to have attracted their curiosity , for these were principally the observers who looked out of their doors . It was a broad panelled staircase , with massive balustrades of some dark wood ; cornices above the doors , ornamented with carved fruit and flowers ; and broad seats in the windows . But all these tokens of past grandeur were miserably decayed and dirty ; rot , damp , and age , had weakened the flooring , which in many places was unsound and even unsafe . Some attempts had been made , I noticed , to infuse new blood into this dwindling frame , by repairing the costly old wood-work here and there with common deal ; but it was like the marriage of a reduced old noble to a plebeian pauper , and each party to the ill-assorted union shrunk away from the other . Several of the back windows on the staircase had been darkened or wholly blocked up . In those that remained , there was scarcely any glass ; and , through the crumbling frames by which the bad air seemed always to come in , and never to go out , I saw , through other glassless windows , into other houses in a similar condition , and looked giddily down into a wretched yard , which was the common dust-heap of the mansion . We proceeded to the top-storey of the house . Two or three times , by the way , I thought I observed in the indistinct light the skirts of a female figure going up before us . As we turned to ascend the last flight of stairs between us and the roof , we caught a full view of this figure pausing for a moment , at a door . Then it turned the handle , and went in . 'What 's this ! ' said Martha , in a whisper . 'She has gone into my room . I do n't know her ! ' I knew her . I had recognized her with amazement , for Miss Dartle . I said something to the effect that it was a lady whom I had seen before , in a few words , to my conductress ; and had scarcely done so , when we heard her voice in the room , though not , from where we stood , what she was saying . Martha , with an astonished look , repeated her former action , and softly led me up the stairs ; and then , by a little back-door which seemed to have no lock , and which she pushed open with a touch , into a small empty garret with a low sloping roof , little better than a cupboard . Between this , and the room she had called hers , there was a small door of communication , standing partly open . Here we stopped , breathless with our ascent , and she placed her hand lightly on my lips . I could only see , of the room beyond , that it was pretty large ; that there was a bed in it ; and that there were some common pictures of ships upon the walls . I could not see Miss Dartle , or the person whom we had heard her address . Certainly , my companion could not , for my position was the best . A dead silence prevailed for some moments . Martha kept one hand on my lips , and raised the other in a listening attitude . 'It matters little to me her not being at home , ' said Rosa Dartle haughtily , 'I know nothing of her . It is you I come to see . ' 'Me ? ' replied a soft voice . At the sound of it , a thrill went through my frame . For it was Emily 's ! 'Yes , ' returned Miss Dartle , 'I have come to look at you . What ? You are not ashamed of the face that has done so much ? ' The resolute and unrelenting hatred of her tone , its cold stern sharpness , and its mastered rage , presented her before me , as if I had seen her standing in the light . I saw the flashing black eyes , and the passion-wasted figure ; and I saw the scar , with its white track cutting through her lips , quivering and throbbing as she spoke . 'I have come to see , ' she said , 'James Steerforth 's fancy ; the girl who ran away with him , and is the town-talk of the commonest people of her native place ; the bold , flaunting , practised companion of persons like James Steerforth . I want to know what such a thing is like . ' There was a rustle , as if the unhappy girl , on whom she heaped these taunts , ran towards the door , and the speaker swiftly interposed herself before it . It was succeeded by a moment 's pause . When Miss Dartle spoke again , it was through her set teeth , and with a stamp upon the ground . 'Stay there ! ' she said , 'or I 'll proclaim you to the house , and the whole street ! If you try to evade me , I 'll stop you , if it 's by the hair , and raise the very stones against you ! ' A frightened murmur was the only reply that reached my ears . A silence succeeded . I did not know what to do . Much as I desired to put an end to the interview , I felt that I had no right to present myself ; that it was for Mr. Peggotty alone to see her and recover her . Would he never come ? I thought impatiently . 'So ! ' said Rosa Dartle , with a contemptuous laugh , 'I see her at last ! Why , he was a poor creature to be taken by that delicate mock-modesty , and that hanging head ! ' 'Oh , for Heaven 's sake , spare me ! ' exclaimed Emily . 'Whoever you are , you know my pitiable story , and for Heaven 's sake spare me , if you would be spared yourself ! ' 'If I would be spared ! ' returned the other fiercely ; 'what is there in common between US , do you think ! ' 'Nothing but our sex , ' said Emily , with a burst of tears . 'And that , ' said Rosa Dartle , 'is so strong a claim , preferred by one so infamous , that if I had any feeling in my breast but scorn and abhorrence of you , it would freeze it up . Our sex ! You are an honour to our sex ! ' 'I have deserved this , ' said Emily , 'but it 's dreadful ! Dear , dear lady , think what I have suffered , and how I am fallen ! Oh , Martha , come back ! Oh , home , home ! ' Miss Dartle placed herself in a chair , within view of the door , and looked downward , as if Emily were crouching on the floor before her . Being now between me and the light , I could see her curled lip , and her cruel eyes intently fixed on one place , with a greedy triumph . 'Listen to what I say ! ' she said ; 'and reserve your false arts for your dupes . Do you hope to move me by your tears ? No more than you could charm me by your smiles , you purchased slave . ' 'Oh , have some mercy on me ! ' cried Emily . 'Show me some compassion , or I shall die mad ! ' 'It would be no great penance , ' said Rosa Dartle , 'for your crimes . Do you know what you have done ? Do you ever think of the home you have laid waste ? ' 'Oh , is there ever night or day , when I do n't think of it ! ' cried Emily ; and now I could just see her , on her knees , with her head thrown back , her pale face looking upward , her hands wildly clasped and held out , and her hair streaming about her . 'Has there ever been a single minute , waking or sleeping , when it has n't been before me , just as it used to be in the lost days when I turned my back upon it for ever and for ever ! Oh , home , home ! Oh dear , dear uncle , if you ever could have known the agony your love would cause me when I fell away from good , you never would have shown it to me so constant , much as you felt it ; but would have been angry to me , at least once in my life , that I might have had some comfort ! I have none , none , no comfort upon earth , for all of them were always fond of me ! ' She dropped on her face , before the imperious figure in the chair , with an imploring effort to clasp the skirt of her dress . Rosa Dartle sat looking down upon her , as inflexible as a figure of brass . Her lips were tightly compressed , as if she knew that she must keep a strong constraint upon herself -- I write what I sincerely believe -- or she would be tempted to strike the beautiful form with her foot . I saw her , distinctly , and the whole power of her face and character seemed forced into that expression. -- -Would he never come ? 'The miserable vanity of these earth-worms ! ' she said , when she had so far controlled the angry heavings of her breast , that she could trust herself to speak . 'YOUR home ! Do you imagine that I bestow a thought on it , or suppose you could do any harm to that low place , which money would not pay for , and handsomely ? YOUR home ! You were a part of the trade of your home , and were bought and sold like any other vendible thing your people dealt in . ' 'Oh , not that ! ' cried Emily . 'Say anything of me ; but do n't visit my disgrace and shame , more than I have done , on folks who are as honourable as you ! Have some respect for them , as you are a lady , if you have no mercy for me . ' 'I speak , ' she said , not deigning to take any heed of this appeal , and drawing away her dress from the contamination of Emily 's touch , 'I speak of HIS home -- where I live . Here , ' she said , stretching out her hand with her contemptuous laugh , and looking down upon the prostrate girl , 'is a worthy cause of division between lady-mother and gentleman-son ; of grief in a house where she would n't have been admitted as a kitchen-girl ; of anger , and repining , and reproach . This piece of pollution , picked up from the water-side , to be made much of for an hour , and then tossed back to her original place ! ' 'No ! no ! ' cried Emily , clasping her hands together . 'When he first came into my way -- that the day had never dawned upon me , and he had met me being carried to my grave ! -- I had been brought up as virtuous as you or any lady , and was going to be the wife of as good a man as you or any lady in the world can ever marry . If you live in his home and know him , you know , perhaps , what his power with a weak , vain girl might be . I do n't defend myself , but I know well , and he knows well , or he will know when he comes to die , and his mind is troubled with it , that he used all his power to deceive me , and that I believed him , trusted him , and loved him ! ' Rosa Dartle sprang up from her seat ; recoiled ; and in recoiling struck at her , with a face of such malignity , so darkened and disfigured by passion , that I had almost thrown myself between them . The blow , which had no aim , fell upon the air . As she now stood panting , looking at her with the utmost detestation that she was capable of expressing , and trembling from head to foot with rage and scorn , I thought I had never seen such a sight , and never could see such another . 'YOU love him ? You ? ' she cried , with her clenched hand , quivering as if it only wanted a weapon to stab the object of her wrath . Emily had shrunk out of my view . There was no reply . 'And tell that to ME , ' she added , 'with your shameful lips ? Why don't they whip these creatures ? If I could order it to be done , I would have this girl whipped to death . ' And so she would , I have no doubt . I would not have trusted her with the rack itself , while that furious look lasted . She slowly , very slowly , broke into a laugh , and pointed at Emily with her hand , as if she were a sight of shame for gods and men . 'SHE love ! ' she said . 'THAT carrion ! And he ever cared for her , she'd tell me . Ha , ha ! The liars that these traders are ! ' Her mockery was worse than her undisguised rage . Of the two , I would have much preferred to be the object of the latter . But , when she suffered it to break loose , it was only for a moment . She had chained it up again , and however it might tear her within , she subdued it to herself . 'I came here , you pure fountain of love , ' she said , 'to see -- as I began by telling you -- what such a thing as you was like . I was curious . I am satisfied . Also to tell you , that you had best seek that home of yours , with all speed , and hide your head among those excellent people who are expecting you , and whom your money will console . When it 's all gone , you can believe , and trust , and love again , you know ! I thought you a broken toy that had lasted its time ; a worthless spangle that was tarnished , and thrown away . But , finding you true gold , a very lady , and an ill-used innocent , with a fresh heart full of love and trustfulness -- which you look like , and is quite consistent with your story ! -- I have something more to say . Attend to it ; for what I say I'll do . Do you hear me , you fairy spirit ? What I say , I mean to do ! ' Her rage got the better of her again , for a moment ; but it passed over her face like a spasm , and left her smiling . 'Hide yourself , ' she pursued , 'if not at home , somewhere . Let it be somewhere beyond reach ; in some obscure life -- or , better still , in some obscure death . I wonder , if your loving heart will not break , you have found no way of helping it to be still ! I have heard of such means sometimes . I believe they may be easily found . ' A low crying , on the part of Emily , interrupted her here . She stopped , and listened to it as if it were music . 'I am of a strange nature , perhaps , ' Rosa Dartle went on ; 'but I can't breathe freely in the air you breathe . I find it sickly . Therefore , I will have it cleared ; I will have it purified of you . If you live here tomorrow , I 'll have your story and your character proclaimed on the common stair . There are decent women in the house , I am told ; and it is a pity such a light as you should be among them , and concealed . If , leaving here , you seek any refuge in this town in any character but your true one ( which you are welcome to bear , without molestation from me ) , the same service shall be done you , if I hear of your retreat . Being assisted by a gentleman who not long ago aspired to the favour of your hand , I am sanguine as to that . ' Would he never , never come ? How long was I to bear this ? How long could I bear it ? 'Oh me , oh me ! ' exclaimed the wretched Emily , in a tone that might have touched the hardest heart , I should have thought ; but there was no relenting in Rosa Dartle 's smile . 'What , what , shall I do ! ' 'Do ? ' returned the other . 'Live happy in your own reflections ! Consecrate your existence to the recollection of James Steerforth's tenderness -- he would have made you his serving-man 's wife , would he not ? -- -or to feeling grateful to the upright and deserving creature who would have taken you as his gift . Or , if those proud remembrances , and the consciousness of your own virtues , and the honourable position to which they have raised you in the eyes of everything that wears the human shape , will not sustain you , marry that good man , and be happy in his condescension . If this will not do either , die ! There are doorways and dust-heaps for such deaths , and such despair -- find one , and take your flight to Heaven ! ' I heard a distant foot upon the stairs . I knew it , I was certain . It was his , thank God ! She moved slowly from before the door when she said this , and passed out of my sight . 'But mark ! ' she added , slowly and sternly , opening the other door to go away , 'I am resolved , for reasons that I have and hatreds that I entertain , to cast you out , unless you withdraw from my reach altogether , or drop your pretty mask . This is what I had to say ; and what I say , I mean to do ! ' The foot upon the stairs came nearer -- nearer -- passed her as she went down -- rushed into the room ! 'Uncle ! ' A fearful cry followed the word . I paused a moment , and looking in , saw him supporting her insensible figure in his arms . He gazed for a few seconds in the face ; then stooped to kiss it -- oh , how tenderly ! -- and drew a handkerchief before it . 'Mas'r Davy , ' he said , in a low tremulous voice , when it was covered , 'I thank my Heav'nly Father as my dream 's come true ! I thank Him hearty for having guided of me , in His own ways , to my darling ! ' With those words he took her up in his arms ; and , with the veiled face lying on his bosom , and addressed towards his own , carried her , motionless and unconscious , down the stairs . CHAPTER 51 . THE BEGINNING OF A LONGER JOURNEY It was yet early in the morning of the following day , when , as I was walking in my garden with my aunt ( who took little other exercise now , being so much in attendance on my dear Dora ) , I was told that Mr. Peggotty desired to speak with me . He came into the garden to meet me half-way , on my going towards the gate ; and bared his head , as it was always his custom to do when he saw my aunt , for whom he had a high respect . I had been telling her all that had happened overnight . Without saying a word , she walked up with a cordial face , shook hands with him , and patted him on the arm . It was so expressively done , that she had no need to say a word . Mr. Peggotty understood her quite as well as if she had said a thousand . 'I 'll go in now , Trot , ' said my aunt , 'and look after Little Blossom , who will be getting up presently . ' 'Not along of my being heer , ma'am , I hope ? ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'Unless my wits is gone a bahd 's neezing ' -- by which Mr. Peggotty meant to say , bird's-nesting -- 'this morning , 't is along of me as you 're a-going to quit us ? ' 'You have something to say , my good friend , ' returned my aunt , 'and will do better without me . ' 'By your leave , ma'am , ' returned Mr. Peggotty , 'I should take it kind , pervising you doe n't mind my clicketten , if you 'd bide heer . ' 'Would you ? ' said my aunt , with short good-nature . 'Then I am sure I will ! ' So , she drew her arm through Mr. Peggotty 's , and walked with him to a leafy little summer-house there was at the bottom of the garden , where she sat down on a bench , and I beside her . There was a seat for Mr. Peggotty too , but he preferred to stand , leaning his hand on the small rustic table . As he stood , looking at his cap for a little while before beginning to speak , I could not help observing what power and force of character his sinewy hand expressed , and what a good and trusty companion it was to his honest brow and iron-grey hair . 'I took my dear child away last night , ' Mr. Peggotty began , as he raised his eyes to ours , 'to my lodging , wheer I have a long time been expecting of her and preparing fur her . It was hours afore she knowed me right ; and when she did , she kneeled down at my feet , and kiender said to me , as if it was her prayers , how it all come to be . You may believe me , when I heerd her voice , as I had heerd at home so playful -- and see her humbled , as it might be in the dust our Saviour wrote in with his blessed hand -- I felt a wownd go to my 'art , in the midst of all its thankfulness . ' He drew his sleeve across his face , without any pretence of concealing why ; and then cleared his voice . 'It war n't for long as I felt that ; for she was found . I had on'y to think as she was found , and it was gone . I doe n't know why I do so much as mention of it now , I 'm sure . I did n't have it in my mind a minute ago , to say a word about myself ; but it come up so nat'ral , that I yielded to it afore I was aweer . ' 'You are a self-denying soul , ' said my aunt , 'and will have your reward . ' Mr. Peggotty , with the shadows of the leaves playing athwart his face , made a surprised inclination of the head towards my aunt , as an acknowledgement of her good opinion ; then took up the thread he had relinquished . 'When my Em'ly took flight , ' he said , in stern wrath for the moment , 'from the house wheer she was made a prisoner by that theer spotted snake as Mas'r Davy see , -- and his story 's trew , and may GOD confound him ! -- she took flight in the night . It was a dark night , with a many stars a-shining . She was wild . She ran along the sea beach , believing the old boat was theer ; and calling out to us to turn away our faces , for she was a-coming by . She heerd herself a-crying out , like as if it was another person ; and cut herself on them sharp-pinted stones and rocks , and felt it no more than if she had been rock herself . Ever so fur she run , and there was fire afore her eyes , and roarings in her ears . Of a sudden -- or so she thowt , you unnerstand -- the day broke , wet and windy , and she was lying b'low a heap of stone upon the shore , and a woman was a-speaking to her , saying , in the language of that country , what was it as had gone so much amiss ? ' He saw everything he related . It passed before him , as he spoke , so vividly , that , in the intensity of his earnestness , he presented what he described to me , with greater distinctness than I can express . I can hardly believe , writing now long afterwards , but that I was actually present in these scenes ; they are impressed upon me with such an astonishing air of fidelity . 'As Em'ly 's eyes -- which was heavy -- see this woman better , ' Mr. Peggotty went on , 'she know 'd as she was one of them as she had often talked to on the beach . Fur , though she had run ( as I have said ) ever so fur in the night , she had oftentimes wandered long ways , partly afoot , partly in boats and carriages , and know 'd all that country , 'long the coast , miles and miles . She had n't no children of her own , this woman , being a young wife ; but she was a-looking to have one afore long . And may my prayers go up to Heaven that 'twill be a happiness to her , and a comfort , and a honour , all her life ! May it love her and be dootiful to her , in her old age ; helpful of her at the last ; a Angel to her heer , and heerafter ! ' 'Amen ! ' said my aunt . 'She had been summat timorous and down , ' said Mr. Peggotty , and had sat , at first , a little way off , at her spinning , or such work as it was , when Em'ly talked to the children . But Em'ly had took notice of her , and had gone and spoke to her ; and as the young woman was partial to the children herself , they had soon made friends . Sermuchser , that when Em'ly went that way , she always giv Em'ly flowers . This was her as now asked what it was that had gone so much amiss . Em'ly told her , and she -- took her home . She did indeed . She took her home , ' said Mr. Peggotty , covering his face . He was more affected by this act of kindness , than I had ever seen him affected by anything since the night she went away . My aunt and I did not attempt to disturb him . 'It was a little cottage , you may suppose , ' he said , presently , 'but she found space for Em'ly in it , -- her husband was away at sea , -- and she kep it secret , and prevailed upon such neighbours as she had ( they was not many near ) to keep it secret too . Em'ly was took bad with fever , and , what is very strange to me is , -- maybe 't is not so strange to scholars , -- the language of that country went out of her head , and she could only speak her own , that no one unnerstood . She recollects , as if she had dreamed it , that she lay there always a-talking her own tongue , always believing as the old boat was round the next pint in the bay , and begging and imploring of 'em to send theer and tell how she was dying , and bring back a message of forgiveness , if it was on'y a wured . A'most the whole time , she thowt , -- now , that him as I made mention on just now was lurking for her unnerneath the winder ; now that him as had brought her to this was in the room , -- and cried to the good young woman not to give her up , and know 'd , at the same time , that she could n't unnerstand , and dreaded that she must be took away . Likewise the fire was afore her eyes , and the roarings in her ears ; and theer was no today , nor yesterday , nor yet tomorrow ; but everything in her life as ever had been , or as ever could be , and everything as never had been , and as never could be , was a crowding on her all at once , and nothing clear nor welcome , and yet she sang and laughed about it ! How long this lasted , I doe n't know ; but then theer come a sleep ; and in that sleep , from being a many times stronger than her own self , she fell into the weakness of the littlest child . ' Here he stopped , as if for relief from the terrors of his own description . After being silent for a few moments , he pursued his story . 'It was a pleasant arternoon when she awoke ; and so quiet , that there war n't a sound but the rippling of that blue sea without a tide , upon the shore . It was her belief , at first , that she was at home upon a Sunday morning ; but the vine leaves as she see at the winder , and the hills beyond , war n't home , and contradicted of her . Then , come in her friend to watch alongside of her bed ; and then she know 'd as the old boat war n't round that next pint in the bay no more , but was fur off ; and know 'd where she was , and why ; and broke out a-crying on that good young woman 's bosom , wheer I hope her baby is a-lying now , a-cheering of her with its pretty eyes ! ' He could not speak of this good friend of Emily 's without a flow of tears . It was in vain to try . He broke down again , endeavouring to bless her ! 'That done my Em'ly good , ' he resumed , after such emotion as I could not behold without sharing in ; and as to my aunt , she wept with all her heart ; 'that done Em'ly good , and she begun to mend . But , the language of that country was quite gone from her , and she was forced to make signs . So she went on , getting better from day to day , slow , but sure , and trying to learn the names of common things -- names as she seemed never to have heerd in all her life -- till one evening come , when she was a-setting at her window , looking at a little girl at play upon the beach . And of a sudden this child held out her hand , and said , what would be in English , `` Fisherman 's daughter , here 's a shell ! '' -- for you are to unnerstand that they used at first to call her `` Pretty lady '' , as the general way in that country is , and that she had taught 'em to call her `` Fisherman 's daughter '' instead . The child says of a sudden , '' Fisherman 's daughter , here 's a shell ! '' Then Em'ly unnerstands her ; and she answers , bursting out a-crying ; and it all comes back ! 'When Em'ly got strong again , ' said Mr. Peggotty , after another short interval of silence , 'she cast about to leave that good young creetur , and get to her own country . The husband was come home , then ; and the two together put her aboard a small trader bound to Leghorn , and from that to France . She had a little money , but it was less than little as they would take for all they done . I 'm a'most glad on it , though they was so poor ! What they done , is laid up wheer neither moth or rust doth corrupt , and wheer thieves do not break through nor steal . Mas'r Davy , it 'll outlast all the treasure in the wureld . 'Em'ly got to France , and took service to wait on travelling ladies at a inn in the port . Theer , theer come , one day , that snake . -- Let him never come nigh me . I doe n't know what hurt I might do him ! -- Soon as she see him , without him seeing her , all her fear and wildness returned upon her , and she fled afore the very breath he draw 'd . She come to England , and was set ashore at Dover . 'I doe n't know , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'for sure , when her 'art begun to fail her ; but all the way to England she had thowt to come to her dear home . Soon as she got to England she turned her face tow'rds it . But , fear of not being forgiv , fear of being pinted at , fear of some of us being dead along of her , fear of many things , turned her from it , kiender by force , upon the road : `` Uncle , uncle , '' she says to me , `` the fear of not being worthy to do what my torn and bleeding breast so longed to do , was the most fright'ning fear of all ! I turned back , when my 'art was full of prayers that I might crawl to the old door-step , in the night , kiss it , lay my wicked face upon it , and theer be found dead in the morning . '' 'She come , ' said Mr. Peggotty , dropping his voice to an awe-stricken whisper , 'to London . She -- as had never seen it in her life -- alone -- without a penny -- young -- so pretty -- come to London . A'most the moment as she lighted heer , all so desolate , she found ( as she believed ) a friend ; a decent woman as spoke to her about the needle-work as she had been brought up to do , about finding plenty of it fur her , about a lodging fur the night , and making secret inquiration concerning of me and all at home , tomorrow . When my child , ' he said aloud , and with an energy of gratitude that shook him from head to foot , 'stood upon the brink of more than I can say or think on -- Martha , trew to her promise , saved her . ' I could not repress a cry of joy . 'Mas'r Davy ! ' said he , gripping my hand in that strong hand of his , 'it was you as first made mention of her to me . I thankee , sir ! She was arnest . She had know 'd of her bitter knowledge wheer to watch and what to do . She had done it . And the Lord was above all ! She come , white and hurried , upon Em'ly in her sleep . She says to her , `` Rise up from worse than death , and come with me ! '' Them belonging to the house would have stopped her , but they might as soon have stopped the sea . `` Stand away from me , '' she says , `` I am a ghost that calls her from beside her open grave ! '' She told Em'ly she had seen me , and know 'd I loved her , and forgive her . She wrapped her , hasty , in her clothes . She took her , faint and trembling , on her arm . She heeded no more what they said , than if she had had no ears . She walked among 'em with my child , minding only her ; and brought her safe out , in the dead of the night , from that black pit of ruin ! 'She attended on Em'ly , ' said Mr. Peggotty , who had released my hand , and put his own hand on his heaving chest ; 'she attended to my Em'ly , lying wearied out , and wandering betwixt whiles , till late next day . Then she went in search of me ; then in search of you , Mas'r Davy . She did n't tell Em'ly what she come out fur , lest her 'art should fail , and she should think of hiding of herself . How the cruel lady know 'd of her being theer , I ca n't say . Whether him as I have spoke so much of , chanced to see 'em going theer , or whether ( which is most like , to my thinking ) he had heerd it from the woman , I doe n't greatly ask myself . My niece is found . 'All night long , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'we have been together , Em'ly and me . 'T is little ( considering the time ) as she has said , in wureds , through them broken-hearted tears ; 't is less as I have seen of her dear face , as grow 'd into a woman 's at my hearth . But , all night long , her arms has been about my neck ; and her head has laid heer ; and we knows full well , as we can put our trust in one another , ever more . ' He ceased to speak , and his hand upon the table rested there in perfect repose , with a resolution in it that might have conquered lions . 'It was a gleam of light upon me , Trot , ' said my aunt , drying her eyes , 'when I formed the resolution of being godmother to your sister Betsey Trotwood , who disappointed me ; but , next to that , hardly anything would have given me greater pleasure , than to be godmother to that good young creature 's baby ! ' Mr. Peggotty nodded his understanding of my aunt 's feelings , but could not trust himself with any verbal reference to the subject of her commendation . We all remained silent , and occupied with our own reflections ( my aunt drying her eyes , and now sobbing convulsively , and now laughing and calling herself a fool ) ; until I spoke . 'You have quite made up your mind , ' said I to Mr. Peggotty , 'as to the future , good friend ? I need scarcely ask you . ' 'Quite , Mas'r Davy , ' he returned ; 'and told Em'ly . Theer 's mighty countries , fur from heer . Our future life lays over the sea . ' 'They will emigrate together , aunt , ' said I . 'Yes ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , with a hopeful smile . 'No one ca n't reproach my darling in Australia . We will begin a new life over theer ! ' I asked him if he yet proposed to himself any time for going away . 'I was down at the Docks early this morning , sir , ' he returned , 'to get information concerning of them ships . In about six weeks or two months from now , there 'll be one sailing -- I see her this morning -- went aboard -- and we shall take our passage in her . ' 'Quite alone ? ' I asked . 'Aye , Mas'r Davy ! ' he returned . 'My sister , you see , she 's that fond of you and yourn , and that accustomed to think on'y of her own country , that it would n't be hardly fair to let her go . Besides which , theer's one she has in charge , Mas'r Davy , as doe n't ought to be forgot . ' 'Poor Ham ! ' said I . 'My good sister takes care of his house , you see , ma'am , and he takes kindly to her , ' Mr. Peggotty explained for my aunt 's better information . 'He 'll set and talk to her , with a calm spirit , wen it 's like he could n't bring himself to open his lips to another . Poor fellow ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , shaking his head , 'theer 's not so much left him , that he could spare the little as he has ! ' 'And Mrs . Gummidge ? ' said I . 'Well , I 've had a mort of consideration , I do tell you , ' returned Mr. Peggotty , with a perplexed look which gradually cleared as he went on , 'concerning of Missis Gummidge . You see , wen Missis Gummidge falls a-thinking of the old 'un , she a n't what you may call good company . Betwixt you and me , Mas'r Davy -- and you , ma'am -- wen Mrs. Gummidge takes to wimicking , ' -- our old country word for crying , -- 'she 's liable to be considered to be , by them as did n't know the old 'un , peevish-like . Now I DID know the old 'un , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'and I know 'd his merits , so I unnerstan ' her ; but 'ta n't entirely so , you see , with others -- nat'rally ca n't be ! ' My aunt and I both acquiesced . 'Wheerby , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'my sister might -- I doe n't say she would , but might -- find Missis Gummidge give her a leetle trouble now-and-again . Theerfur 'ta n't my intentions to moor Missis Gummidge 'long with them , but to find a Beein ' fur her wheer she can fisherate for herself . ' ( A Beein ' signifies , in that dialect , a home , and to fisherate is to provide . ) 'Fur which purpose , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'I means to make her a 'lowance afore I go , as 'll leave her pretty comfort'ble . She 's the faithfullest of creeturs . 'Ta n't to be expected , of course , at her time of life , and being lone and lorn , as the good old Mawther is to be knocked about aboardship , and in the woods and wilds of a new and fur-away country . So that 's what I 'm a-going to do with her . ' He forgot nobody . He thought of everybody 's claims and strivings , but his own . 'Em'ly , ' he continued , 'will keep along with me -- poor child , she 's sore in need of peace and rest ! -- until such time as we goes upon our voyage . She 'll work at them clothes , as must be made ; and I hope her troubles will begin to seem longer ago than they was , wen she finds herself once more by her rough but loving uncle . ' My aunt nodded confirmation of this hope , and imparted great satisfaction to Mr. Peggotty . 'Theer 's one thing furder , Mas'r Davy , ' said he , putting his hand in his breast-pocket , and gravely taking out the little paper bundle I had seen before , which he unrolled on the table . 'Theer 's these here banknotes -- fifty pound , and ten . To them I wish to add the money as she come away with . I 've asked her about that ( but not saying why ) , and have added of it up . I a n't a scholar . Would you be so kind as see how 't is ? ' He handed me , apologetically for his scholarship , a piece of paper , and observed me while I looked it over . It was quite right . 'Thankee , sir , ' he said , taking it back . 'This money , if you doen't see objections , Mas'r Davy , I shall put up jest afore I go , in a cover directed to him ; and put that up in another , directed to his mother . I shall tell her , in no more wureds than I speak to you , what it 's the price on ; and that I 'm gone , and past receiving of it back . ' I told him that I thought it would be right to do so -- that I was thoroughly convinced it would be , since he felt it to be right . 'I said that theer was on'y one thing furder , ' he proceeded with a grave smile , when he had made up his little bundle again , and put it in his pocket ; 'but theer was two . I war n't sure in my mind , wen I come out this morning , as I could go and break to Ham , of my own self , what had so thankfully happened . So I writ a letter while I was out , and put it in the post-office , telling of 'em how all was as 't is ; and that I should come down tomorrow to unload my mind of what little needs a-doing of down theer , and , most-like , take my farewell leave of Yarmouth . ' 'And do you wish me to go with you ? ' said I , seeing that he left something unsaid . 'If you could do me that kind favour , Mas'r Davy , ' he replied . 'I know the sight on you would cheer 'em up a bit . ' My little Dora being in good spirits , and very desirous that I should go -- as I found on talking it over with her -- I readily pledged myself to accompany him in accordance with his wish . Next morning , consequently , we were on the Yarmouth coach , and again travelling over the old ground . As we passed along the familiar street at night -- Mr. Peggotty , in despite of all my remonstrances , carrying my bag -- I glanced into Omer and Joram 's shop , and saw my old friend Mr. Omer there , smoking his pipe . I felt reluctant to be present , when Mr. Peggotty first met his sister and Ham ; and made Mr. Omer my excuse for lingering behind . 'How is Mr. Omer , after this long time ? ' said I , going in . He fanned away the smoke of his pipe , that he might get a better view of me , and soon recognized me with great delight . 'I should get up , sir , to acknowledge such an honour as this visit , ' said he , 'only my limbs are rather out of sorts , and I am wheeled about . With the exception of my limbs and my breath , howsoever , I am as hearty as a man can be , I 'm thankful to say . ' I congratulated him on his contented looks and his good spirits , and saw , now , that his easy-chair went on wheels . 'It 's an ingenious thing , ai n't it ? ' he inquired , following the direction of my glance , and polishing the elbow with his arm . 'It runs as light as a feather , and tracks as true as a mail-coach . Bless you , my little Minnie -- my grand-daughter you know , Minnie 's child -- puts her little strength against the back , gives it a shove , and away we go , as clever and merry as ever you see anything ! And I tell you what -- it 's a most uncommon chair to smoke a pipe in . ' I never saw such a good old fellow to make the best of a thing , and find out the enjoyment of it , as Mr. Omer . He was as radiant , as if his chair , his asthma , and the failure of his limbs , were the various branches of a great invention for enhancing the luxury of a pipe . 'I see more of the world , I can assure you , ' said Mr. Omer , 'in this chair , than ever I see out of it . You 'd be surprised at the number of people that looks in of a day to have a chat . You really would ! There's twice as much in the newspaper , since I 've taken to this chair , as there used to be . As to general reading , dear me , what a lot of it I do get through ! That 's what I feel so strong , you know ! If it had been my eyes , what should I have done ? If it had been my ears , what should I have done ? Being my limbs , what does it signify ? Why , my limbs only made my breath shorter when I used 'em . And now , if I want to go out into the street or down to the sands , I 've only got to call Dick , Joram's youngest 'prentice , and away I go in my own carriage , like the Lord Mayor of London . ' He half suffocated himself with laughing here . 'Lord bless you ! ' said Mr. Omer , resuming his pipe , 'a man must take the fat with the lean ; that 's what he must make up his mind to , in this life . Joram does a fine business . Ex-cellent business ! ' 'I am very glad to hear it , ' said I . 'I knew you would be , ' said Mr. Omer . 'And Joram and Minnie are like Valentines . What more can a man expect ? What 's his limbs to that ! ' His supreme contempt for his own limbs , as he sat smoking , was one of the pleasantest oddities I have ever encountered . 'And since I 've took to general reading , you 've took to general writing , eh , sir ? ' said Mr. Omer , surveying me admiringly . 'What a lovely work that was of yours ! What expressions in it ! I read it every word -- every word . And as to feeling sleepy ! Not at all ! ' I laughingly expressed my satisfaction , but I must confess that I thought this association of ideas significant . 'I give you my word and honour , sir , ' said Mr. Omer , 'that when I lay that book upon the table , and look at it outside ; compact in three separate and indiwidual wollumes -- one , two , three ; I am as proud as Punch to think that I once had the honour of being connected with your family . And dear me , it 's a long time ago , now , ai n't it ? Over at Blunderstone . With a pretty little party laid along with the other party . And you quite a small party then , yourself . Dear , dear ! ' I changed the subject by referring to Emily . After assuring him that I did not forget how interested he had always been in her , and how kindly he had always treated her , I gave him a general account of her restoration to her uncle by the aid of Martha ; which I knew would please the old man . He listened with the utmost attention , and said , feelingly , when I had done : 'I am rejoiced at it , sir ! It 's the best news I have heard for many a day . Dear , dear , dear ! And what 's going to be undertook for that unfortunate young woman , Martha , now ? ' 'You touch a point that my thoughts have been dwelling on since yesterday , ' said I , 'but on which I can give you no information yet , Mr. Omer . Mr. Peggotty has not alluded to it , and I have a delicacy in doing so . I am sure he has not forgotten it . He forgets nothing that is disinterested and good . ' 'Because you know , ' said Mr. Omer , taking himself up , where he had left off , 'whatever is done , I should wish to be a member of . Put me down for anything you may consider right , and let me know . I never could think the girl all bad , and I am glad to find she 's not . So will my daughter Minnie be . Young women are contradictory creatures in some things -- her mother was just the same as her -- but their hearts are soft and kind . It 's all show with Minnie , about Martha . Why she should consider it necessary to make any show , I do n't undertake to tell you . But it 's all show , bless you . She 'd do her any kindness in private . So , put me down for whatever you may consider right , will you be so good ? and drop me a line where to forward it . Dear me ! ' said Mr. Omer , 'when a man is drawing on to a time of life , where the two ends of life meet ; when he finds himself , however hearty he is , being wheeled about for the second time , in a speeches of go-cart ; he should be over-rejoiced to do a kindness if he can . He wants plenty . And I do n't speak of myself , particular , ' said Mr. Omer , 'because , sir , the way I look at it is , that we are all drawing on to the bottom of the hill , whatever age we are , on account of time never standing still for a single moment . So let us always do a kindness , and be over-rejoiced . To be sure ! ' He knocked the ashes out of his pipe , and put it on a ledge in the back of his chair , expressly made for its reception . 'There 's Em'ly 's cousin , him that she was to have been married to , ' said Mr. Omer , rubbing his hands feebly , 'as fine a fellow as there is in Yarmouth ! He 'll come and talk or read to me , in the evening , for an hour together sometimes . That 's a kindness , I should call it ! All his life's a kindness . ' 'I am going to see him now , ' said I . 'Are you ? ' said Mr. Omer . 'Tell him I was hearty , and sent my respects . Minnie and Joram 's at a ball . They would be as proud to see you as I am , if they was at home . Minnie wo n't hardly go out at all , you see , `` on account of father '' , as she says . So I swore tonight , that if she didn't go , I 'd go to bed at six . In consequence of which , ' Mr. Omer shook himself and his chair with laughter at the success of his device , 'she and Joram 's at a ball . ' I shook hands with him , and wished him good night . 'Half a minute , sir , ' said Mr. Omer . 'If you was to go without seeing my little elephant , you 'd lose the best of sights . You never see such a sight ! Minnie ! ' A musical little voice answered , from somewhere upstairs , 'I am coming , grandfather ! ' and a pretty little girl with long , flaxen , curling hair , soon came running into the shop . 'This is my little elephant , sir , ' said Mr. Omer , fondling the child . 'Siamese breed , sir . Now , little elephant ! ' The little elephant set the door of the parlour open , enabling me to see that , in these latter days , it was converted into a bedroom for Mr. Omer who could not be easily conveyed upstairs ; and then hid her pretty forehead , and tumbled her long hair , against the back of Mr. Omer's chair . 'The elephant butts , you know , sir , ' said Mr. Omer , winking , 'when he goes at a object . Once , elephant . Twice . Three times ! ' At this signal , the little elephant , with a dexterity that was next to marvellous in so small an animal , whisked the chair round with Mr. Omer in it , and rattled it off , pell-mell , into the parlour , without touching the door-post : Mr. Omer indescribably enjoying the performance , and looking back at me on the road as if it were the triumphant issue of his life 's exertions . After a stroll about the town I went to Ham 's house . Peggotty had now removed here for good ; and had let her own house to the successor of Mr. Barkis in the carrying business , who had paid her very well for the good-will , cart , and horse . I believe the very same slow horse that Mr. Barkis drove was still at work . I found them in the neat kitchen , accompanied by Mrs. Gummidge , who had been fetched from the old boat by Mr. Peggotty himself . I doubt if she could have been induced to desert her post , by anyone else . He had evidently told them all . Both Peggotty and Mrs. Gummidge had their aprons to their eyes , and Ham had just stepped out 'to take a turn on the beach ' . He presently came home , very glad to see me ; and I hope they were all the better for my being there . We spoke , with some approach to cheerfulness , of Mr. Peggotty 's growing rich in a new country , and of the wonders he would describe in his letters . We said nothing of Emily by name , but distantly referred to her more than once . Ham was the serenest of the party . But , Peggotty told me , when she lighted me to a little chamber where the Crocodile book was lying ready for me on the table , that he always was the same . She believed ( she told me , crying ) that he was broken-hearted ; though he was as full of courage as of sweetness , and worked harder and better than any boat-builder in any yard in all that part . There were times , she said , of an evening , when he talked of their old life in the boat-house ; and then he mentioned Emily as a child . But , he never mentioned her as a woman . I thought I had read in his face that he would like to speak to me alone . I therefore resolved to put myself in his way next evening , as he came home from his work . Having settled this with myself , I fell asleep . That night , for the first time in all those many nights , the candle was taken out of the window , Mr. Peggotty swung in his old hammock in the old boat , and the wind murmured with the old sound round his head . All next day , he was occupied in disposing of his fishing-boat and tackle ; in packing up , and sending to London by waggon , such of his little domestic possessions as he thought would be useful to him ; and in parting with the rest , or bestowing them on Mrs. Gummidge . She was with him all day . As I had a sorrowful wish to see the old place once more , before it was locked up , I engaged to meet them there in the evening . But I so arranged it , as that I should meet Ham first . It was easy to come in his way , as I knew where he worked . I met him at a retired part of the sands , which I knew he would cross , and turned back with him , that he might have leisure to speak to me if he really wished . I had not mistaken the expression of his face . We had walked but a little way together , when he said , without looking at me : 'Mas'r Davy , have you seen her ? ' 'Only for a moment , when she was in a swoon , ' I softly answered . We walked a little farther , and he said : 'Mas'r Davy , shall you see her , d 'ye think ? ' 'It would be too painful to her , perhaps , ' said I . 'I have thowt of that , ' he replied . 'So 'twould , sir , so 'twould . ' 'But , Ham , ' said I , gently , 'if there is anything that I could write to her , for you , in case I could not tell it ; if there is anything you would wish to make known to her through me ; I should consider it a sacred trust . ' 'I am sure o n't . I thankee , sir , most kind ! I think theer is something I could wish said or wrote . ' 'What is it ? ' We walked a little farther in silence , and then he spoke . ''Ta n't that I forgive her . 'Ta n't that so much . 'T is more as I beg of her to forgive me , for having pressed my affections upon her . Odd times , I think that if I had n't had her promise fur to marry me , sir , she was that trustful of me , in a friendly way , that she 'd have told me what was struggling in her mind , and would have counselled with me , and I might have saved her . ' I pressed his hand . 'Is that all ? ' 'Theer 's yet a something else , ' he returned , 'if I can say it , Mas'r Davy . ' We walked on , farther than we had walked yet , before he spoke again . He was not crying when he made the pauses I shall express by lines . He was merely collecting himself to speak very plainly . 'I loved her -- and I love the mem'ry of her -- too deep -- to be able to lead her to believe of my own self as I 'm a happy man . I could only be happy -- by forgetting of her -- and I 'm afeerd I could n't hardly bear as she should be told I done that . But if you , being so full of learning , Mas'r Davy , could think of anything to say as might bring her to believe I was n't greatly hurt : still loving of her , and mourning for her : anything as might bring her to believe as I was not tired of my life , and yet was hoping fur to see her without blame , wheer the wicked cease from troubling and the weary are at rest -- anything as would ease her sorrowful mind , and yet not make her think as I could ever marry , or as 'twas possible that anyone could ever be to me what she was -- I should ask of you to say that -- with my prayers for her -- that was so dear . ' I pressed his manly hand again , and told him I would charge myself to do this as well as I could . 'I thankee , sir , ' he answered . ''Twas kind of you to meet me . 'T was kind of you to bear him company down . Mas'r Davy , I unnerstan ' very well , though my aunt will come to Lon'on afore they sail , and they 'll unite once more , that I am not like to see him agen . I fare to feel sure o n't . We doe n't say so , but so 'twill be , and better so . The last you see on him -- the very last -- will you give him the lovingest duty and thanks of the orphan , as he was ever more than a father to ? ' This I also promised , faithfully . 'I thankee agen , sir , ' he said , heartily shaking hands . 'I know wheer you 're a-going . Good-bye ! ' With a slight wave of his hand , as though to explain to me that he could not enter the old place , he turned away . As I looked after his figure , crossing the waste in the moonlight , I saw him turn his face towards a strip of silvery light upon the sea , and pass on , looking at it , until he was a shadow in the distance . The door of the boat-house stood open when I approached ; and , on entering , I found it emptied of all its furniture , saving one of the old lockers , on which Mrs. Gummidge , with a basket on her knee , was seated , looking at Mr. Peggotty . He leaned his elbow on the rough chimney-piece , and gazed upon a few expiring embers in the grate ; but he raised his head , hopefully , on my coming in , and spoke in a cheery manner . 'Come , according to promise , to bid farewell to 't , eh , Mas'r Davy ? ' he said , taking up the candle . 'Bare enough , now , a n't it ? ' 'Indeed you have made good use of the time , ' said I . 'Why , we have not been idle , sir . Missis Gummidge has worked like a -- I doe n't know what Missis Gummidge a n't worked like , ' said Mr. Peggotty , looking at her , at a loss for a sufficiently approving simile . Mrs. Gummidge , leaning on her basket , made no observation . 'Theer 's the very locker that you used to sit on , 'long with Em'ly ! ' said Mr. Peggotty , in a whisper . 'I 'm a-going to carry it away with me , last of all . And heer 's your old little bedroom , see , Mas'r Davy ! A'most as bleak tonight , as 'art could wish ! ' In truth , the wind , though it was low , had a solemn sound , and crept around the deserted house with a whispered wailing that was very mournful . Everything was gone , down to the little mirror with the oyster-shell frame . I thought of myself , lying here , when that first great change was being wrought at home . I thought of the blue-eyed child who had enchanted me . I thought of Steerforth : and a foolish , fearful fancy came upon me of his being near at hand , and liable to be met at any turn . ''Tis like to be long , ' said Mr. Peggotty , in a low voice , 'afore the boat finds new tenants . They look upon 't , down heer , as being unfortunate now ! ' 'Does it belong to anybody in the neighbourhood ? ' I asked . 'To a mast-maker up town , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'I 'm a-going to give the key to him tonight . ' We looked into the other little room , and came back to Mrs. Gummidge , sitting on the locker , whom Mr. Peggotty , putting the light on the chimney-piece , requested to rise , that he might carry it outside the door before extinguishing the candle . 'Dan'l , ' said Mrs. Gummidge , suddenly deserting her basket , and clinging to his arm 'my dear Dan'l , the parting words I speak in this house is , I must n't be left behind . Doe n't ye think of leaving me behind , Dan'l ! Oh , doe n't ye ever do it ! ' Mr. Peggotty , taken aback , looked from Mrs. Gummidge to me , and from me to Mrs. Gummidge , as if he had been awakened from a sleep . 'Doe n't ye , dearest Dan'l , doe n't ye ! ' cried Mrs. Gummidge , fervently . 'Take me 'long with you , Dan'l , take me 'long with you and Em'ly ! I'll be your servant , constant and trew . If there 's slaves in them parts where you 're a-going , I 'll be bound to you for one , and happy , but doe n't ye leave me behind , Dan'l , that 's a deary dear ! ' 'My good soul , ' said Mr. Peggotty , shaking his head , 'you doe n't know what a long voyage , and what a hard life 't is ! ' 'Yes , I do , Dan'l ! I can guess ! ' cried Mrs. Gummidge . 'But my parting words under this roof is , I shall go into the house and die , if I am not took . I can dig , Dan'l . I can work . I can live hard . I can be loving and patient now -- more than you think , Dan'l , if you 'll on'y try me . I would n't touch the 'lowance , not if I was dying of want , Dan'l Peggotty ; but I 'll go with you and Em'ly , if you 'll on'y let me , to the world 's end ! I know how 't is ; I know you think that I am lone and lorn ; but , deary love , 'ta n't so no more ! I ai n't sat here , so long , a-watching , and a-thinking of your trials , without some good being done me . Mas'r Davy , speak to him for me ! I knows his ways , and Em'ly 's , and I knows their sorrows , and can be a comfort to 'em , some odd times , and labour for 'em allus ! Dan'l , deary Dan'l , let me go 'long with you ! ' And Mrs. Gummidge took his hand , and kissed it with a homely pathos and affection , in a homely rapture of devotion and gratitude , that he well deserved . We brought the locker out , extinguished the candle , fastened the door on the outside , and left the old boat close shut up , a dark speck in the cloudy night . Next day , when we were returning to London outside the coach , Mrs. Gummidge and her basket were on the seat behind , and Mrs. Gummidge was happy . CHAPTER 52 . I ASSIST AT AN EXPLOSION When the time Mr. Micawber had appointed so mysteriously , was within four-and-twenty hours of being come , my aunt and I consulted how we should proceed ; for my aunt was very unwilling to leave Dora . Ah ! how easily I carried Dora up and down stairs , now ! We were disposed , notwithstanding Mr. Micawber 's stipulation for my aunt 's attendance , to arrange that she should stay at home , and be represented by Mr. Dick and me . In short , we had resolved to take this course , when Dora again unsettled us by declaring that she never would forgive herself , and never would forgive her bad boy , if my aunt remained behind , on any pretence . 'I wo n't speak to you , ' said Dora , shaking her curls at my aunt . 'I'll be disagreeable ! I 'll make Jip bark at you all day . I shall be sure that you really are a cross old thing , if you do n't go ! ' 'Tut , Blossom ! ' laughed my aunt . 'You know you ca n't do without me ! ' 'Yes , I can , ' said Dora . 'You are no use to me at all . You never run up and down stairs for me , all day long . You never sit and tell me stories about Doady , when his shoes were worn out , and he was covered with dust -- oh , what a poor little mite of a fellow ! You never do anything at all to please me , do you , dear ? ' Dora made haste to kiss my aunt , and say , 'Yes , you do ! I 'm only joking ! '-lest my aunt should think she really meant it . 'But , aunt , ' said Dora , coaxingly , 'now listen . You must go . I shall tease you , 'till you let me have my own way about it . I shall lead my naughty boy such a life , if he do n't make you go . I shall make myself so disagreeable -- and so will Jip ! You 'll wish you had gone , like a good thing , for ever and ever so long , if you do n't go . Besides , ' said Dora , putting back her hair , and looking wonderingly at my aunt and me , 'why should n't you both go ? I am not very ill indeed . Am I ? ' 'Why , what a question ! ' cried my aunt . 'What a fancy ! ' said I . 'Yes ! I know I am a silly little thing ! ' said Dora , slowly looking from one of us to the other , and then putting up her pretty lips to kiss us as she lay upon her couch . 'Well , then , you must both go , or I shall not believe you ; and then I shall cry ! ' I saw , in my aunt 's face , that she began to give way now , and Dora brightened again , as she saw it too . 'You 'll come back with so much to tell me , that it 'll take at least a week to make me understand ! ' said Dora . 'Because I know I shan't understand , for a length of time , if there 's any business in it . And there 's sure to be some business in it ! If there 's anything to add up , besides , I do n't know when I shall make it out ; and my bad boy will look so miserable all the time . There ! Now you 'll go , wo n't you ? You 'll only be gone one night , and Jip will take care of me while you are gone . Doady will carry me upstairs before you go , and I wo n't come down again till you come back ; and you shall take Agnes a dreadfully scolding letter from me , because she has never been to see us ! ' We agreed , without any more consultation , that we would both go , and that Dora was a little Impostor , who feigned to be rather unwell , because she liked to be petted . She was greatly pleased , and very merry ; and we four , that is to say , my aunt , Mr. Dick , Traddles , and I , went down to Canterbury by the Dover mail that night . At the hotel where Mr. Micawber had requested us to await him , which we got into , with some trouble , in the middle of the night , I found a letter , importing that he would appear in the morning punctually at half past nine . After which , we went shivering , at that uncomfortable hour , to our respective beds , through various close passages ; which smelt as if they had been steeped , for ages , in a solution of soup and stables . Early in the morning , I sauntered through the dear old tranquil streets , and again mingled with the shadows of the venerable gateways and churches . The rooks were sailing about the cathedral towers ; and the towers themselves , overlooking many a long unaltered mile of the rich country and its pleasant streams , were cutting the bright morning air , as if there were no such thing as change on earth . Yet the bells , when they sounded , told me sorrowfully of change in everything ; told me of their own age , and my pretty Dora 's youth ; and of the many , never old , who had lived and loved and died , while the reverberations of the bells had hummed through the rusty armour of the Black Prince hanging up within , and , motes upon the deep of Time , had lost themselves in air , as circles do in water . I looked at the old house from the corner of the street , but did not go nearer to it , lest , being observed , I might unwittingly do any harm to the design I had come to aid . The early sun was striking edgewise on its gables and lattice-windows , touching them with gold ; and some beams of its old peace seemed to touch my heart . I strolled into the country for an hour or so , and then returned by the main street , which in the interval had shaken off its last night's sleep . Among those who were stirring in the shops , I saw my ancient enemy the butcher , now advanced to top-boots and a baby , and in business for himself . He was nursing the baby , and appeared to be a benignant member of society . We all became very anxious and impatient , when we sat down to breakfast . As it approached nearer and nearer to half past nine o'clock , our restless expectation of Mr. Micawber increased . At last we made no more pretence of attending to the meal , which , except with Mr. Dick , had been a mere form from the first ; but my aunt walked up and down the room , Traddles sat upon the sofa affecting to read the paper with his eyes on the ceiling ; and I looked out of the window to give early notice of Mr. Micawber 's coming . Nor had I long to watch , for , at the first chime of the half hour , he appeared in the street . 'Here he is , ' said I , 'and not in his legal attire ! ' My aunt tied the strings of her bonnet ( she had come down to breakfast in it ) , and put on her shawl , as if she were ready for anything that was resolute and uncompromising . Traddles buttoned his coat with a determined air . Mr. Dick , disturbed by these formidable appearances , but feeling it necessary to imitate them , pulled his hat , with both hands , as firmly over his ears as he possibly could ; and instantly took it off again , to welcome Mr. Micawber . 'Gentlemen , and madam , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'good morning ! My dear sir , ' to Mr. Dick , who shook hands with him violently , 'you are extremely good . ' 'Have you breakfasted ? ' said Mr. Dick . 'Have a chop ! ' 'Not for the world , my good sir ! ' cried Mr. Micawber , stopping him on his way to the bell ; 'appetite and myself , Mr. Dixon , have long been strangers . ' Mr. Dixon was so well pleased with his new name , and appeared to think it so obliging in Mr. Micawber to confer it upon him , that he shook hands with him again , and laughed rather childishly . 'Dick , ' said my aunt , 'attention ! ' Mr. Dick recovered himself , with a blush . 'Now , sir , ' said my aunt to Mr. Micawber , as she put on her gloves , 'we are ready for Mount Vesuvius , or anything else , as soon as YOU please . ' 'Madam , ' returned Mr. Micawber , 'I trust you will shortly witness an eruption . Mr. Traddles , I have your permission , I believe , to mention here that we have been in communication together ? ' 'It is undoubtedly the fact , Copperfield , ' said Traddles , to whom I looked in surprise . 'Mr . Micawber has consulted me in reference to what he has in contemplation ; and I have advised him to the best of my judgement . ' 'Unless I deceive myself , Mr. Traddles , ' pursued Mr. Micawber , 'what I contemplate is a disclosure of an important nature . ' 'Highly so , ' said Traddles . 'Perhaps , under such circumstances , madam and gentlemen , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'you will do me the favour to submit yourselves , for the moment , to the direction of one who , however unworthy to be regarded in any other light but as a Waif and Stray upon the shore of human nature , is still your fellow-man , though crushed out of his original form by individual errors , and the accumulative force of a combination of circumstances ? ' 'We have perfect confidence in you , Mr. Micawber , ' said I , 'and will do what you please . ' 'Mr . Copperfield , ' returned Mr. Micawber , 'your confidence is not , at the existing juncture , ill-bestowed . I would beg to be allowed a start of five minutes by the clock ; and then to receive the present company , inquiring for Miss Wickfield , at the office of Wickfield and Heep , whose Stipendiary I am . ' My aunt and I looked at Traddles , who nodded his approval . 'I have no more , ' observed Mr. Micawber , 'to say at present . ' With which , to my infinite surprise , he included us all in a comprehensive bow , and disappeared ; his manner being extremely distant , and his face extremely pale . Traddles only smiled , and shook his head ( with his hair standing upright on the top of it ) , when I looked to him for an explanation ; so I took out my watch , and , as a last resource , counted off the five minutes . My aunt , with her own watch in her hand , did the like . When the time was expired , Traddles gave her his arm ; and we all went out together to the old house , without saying one word on the way . We found Mr. Micawber at his desk , in the turret office on the ground floor , either writing , or pretending to write , hard . The large office-ruler was stuck into his waistcoat , and was not so well concealed but that a foot or more of that instrument protruded from his bosom , like a new kind of shirt-frill . As it appeared to me that I was expected to speak , I said aloud : 'How do you do , Mr . Micawber ? ' 'Mr . Copperfield , ' said Mr. Micawber , gravely , 'I hope I see you well ? ' 'Is Miss Wickfield at home ? ' said I . 'Mr . Wickfield is unwell in bed , sir , of a rheumatic fever , ' he returned ; 'but Miss Wickfield , I have no doubt , will be happy to see old friends . Will you walk in , sir ? ' He preceded us to the dining-room -- the first room I had entered in that house -- and flinging open the door of Mr. Wickfield 's former office , said , in a sonorous voice : 'Miss Trotwood , Mr. David Copperfield , Mr. Thomas Traddles , and Mr . Dixon ! ' I had not seen Uriah Heep since the time of the blow . Our visit astonished him , evidently ; not the less , I dare say , because it astonished ourselves . He did not gather his eyebrows together , for he had none worth mentioning ; but he frowned to that degree that he almost closed his small eyes , while the hurried raising of his grisly hand to his chin betrayed some trepidation or surprise . This was only when we were in the act of entering his room , and when I caught a glance at him over my aunt 's shoulder . A moment afterwards , he was as fawning and as humble as ever . 'Well , I am sure , ' he said . 'This is indeed an unexpected pleasure ! To have , as I may say , all friends round St. Paul 's at once , is a treat unlooked for ! Mr. Copperfield , I hope I see you well , and -- if I may umbly express myself so -- friendly towards them as is ever your friends , whether or not . Mrs. Copperfield , sir , I hope she 's getting on . We have been made quite uneasy by the poor accounts we have had of her state , lately , I do assure you . ' I felt ashamed to let him take my hand , but I did not know yet what else to do . 'Things are changed in this office , Miss Trotwood , since I was an umble clerk , and held your pony ; ai n't they ? ' said Uriah , with his sickliest smile . 'But I am not changed , Miss Trotwood . ' 'Well , sir , ' returned my aunt , 'to tell you the truth , I think you are pretty constant to the promise of your youth ; if that 's any satisfaction to you . ' 'Thank you , Miss Trotwood , ' said Uriah , writhing in his ungainly manner , 'for your good opinion ! Micawber , tell 'em to let Miss Agnes know -- and mother . Mother will be quite in a state , when she sees the present company ! ' said Uriah , setting chairs . 'You are not busy , Mr . Heep ? ' said Traddles , whose eye the cunning red eye accidentally caught , as it at once scrutinized and evaded us . 'No , Mr. Traddles , ' replied Uriah , resuming his official seat , and squeezing his bony hands , laid palm to palm between his bony knees . 'Not so much so as I could wish . But lawyers , sharks , and leeches , are not easily satisfied , you know ! Not but what myself and Micawber have our hands pretty full , in general , on account of Mr. Wickfield 's being hardly fit for any occupation , sir . But it 's a pleasure as well as a duty , I am sure , to work for him . You 've not been intimate with Mr. Wickfield , I think , Mr. Traddles ? I believe I 've only had the honour of seeing you once myself ? ' 'No , I have not been intimate with Mr. Wickfield , ' returned Traddles ; 'or I might perhaps have waited on you long ago , Mr . Heep . ' There was something in the tone of this reply , which made Uriah look at the speaker again , with a very sinister and suspicious expression . But , seeing only Traddles , with his good-natured face , simple manner , and hair on end , he dismissed it as he replied , with a jerk of his whole body , but especially his throat : 'I am sorry for that , Mr. Traddles . You would have admired him as much as we all do . His little failings would only have endeared him to you the more . But if you would like to hear my fellow-partner eloquently spoken of , I should refer you to Copperfield . The family is a subject he 's very strong upon , if you never heard him . ' I was prevented from disclaiming the compliment ( if I should have done so , in any case ) , by the entrance of Agnes , now ushered in by Mr. Micawber . She was not quite so self-possessed as usual , I thought ; and had evidently undergone anxiety and fatigue . But her earnest cordiality , and her quiet beauty , shone with the gentler lustre for it . I saw Uriah watch her while she greeted us ; and he reminded me of an ugly and rebellious genie watching a good spirit . In the meanwhile , some slight sign passed between Mr. Micawber and Traddles ; and Traddles , unobserved except by me , went out . 'Do n't wait , Micawber , ' said Uriah . Mr. Micawber , with his hand upon the ruler in his breast , stood erect before the door , most unmistakably contemplating one of his fellow-men , and that man his employer . 'What are you waiting for ? ' said Uriah . 'Micawber ! did you hear me tell you not to wait ? ' 'Yes ! ' replied the immovable Mr. Micawber . 'Then why DO you wait ? ' said Uriah . 'Because I -- in short , choose , ' replied Mr. Micawber , with a burst . Uriah 's cheeks lost colour , and an unwholesome paleness , still faintly tinged by his pervading red , overspread them . He looked at Mr. Micawber attentively , with his whole face breathing short and quick in every feature . 'You are a dissipated fellow , as all the world knows , ' he said , with an effort at a smile , 'and I am afraid you 'll oblige me to get rid of you . Go along ! I 'll talk to you presently . ' 'If there is a scoundrel on this earth , ' said Mr. Micawber , suddenly breaking out again with the utmost vehemence , 'with whom I have already talked too much , that scoundrel 's name is -- HEEP ! ' Uriah fell back , as if he had been struck or stung . Looking slowly round upon us with the darkest and wickedest expression that his face could wear , he said , in a lower voice : 'Oho ! This is a conspiracy ! You have met here by appointment ! You are playing Booty with my clerk , are you , Copperfield ? Now , take care . You 'll make nothing of this . We understand each other , you and me . There 's no love between us . You were always a puppy with a proud stomach , from your first coming here ; and you envy me my rise , do you ? None of your plots against me ; I 'll counterplot you ! Micawber , you be off . I 'll talk to you presently . ' 'Mr . Micawber , ' said I , 'there is a sudden change in this fellow , in more respects than the extraordinary one of his speaking the truth in one particular , which assures me that he is brought to bay . Deal with him as he deserves ! ' 'You are a precious set of people , ai n't you ? ' said Uriah , in the same low voice , and breaking out into a clammy heat , which he wiped from his forehead , with his long lean hand , 'to buy over my clerk , who is the very scum of society , -- as you yourself were , Copperfield , you know it , before anyone had charity on you , -- to defame me with his lies ? Miss Trotwood , you had better stop this ; or I 'll stop your husband shorter than will be pleasant to you . I wo n't know your story professionally , for nothing , old lady ! Miss Wickfield , if you have any love for your father , you had better not join that gang . I 'll ruin him , if you do . Now , come ! I have got some of you under the harrow . Think twice , before it goes over you . Think twice , you , Micawber , if you do n't want to be crushed . I recommend you to take yourself off , and be talked to presently , you fool ! while there 's time to retreat . Where 's mother ? ' he said , suddenly appearing to notice , with alarm , the absence of Traddles , and pulling down the bell-rope . 'Fine doings in a person 's own house ! ' 'Mrs . Heep is here , sir , ' said Traddles , returning with that worthy mother of a worthy son . 'I have taken the liberty of making myself known to her . ' 'Who are you to make yourself known ? ' retorted Uriah . 'And what do you want here ? ' 'I am the agent and friend of Mr. Wickfield , sir , ' said Traddles , in a composed and business-like way . 'And I have a power of attorney from him in my pocket , to act for him in all matters . ' 'The old ass has drunk himself into a state of dotage , ' said Uriah , turning uglier than before , 'and it has been got from him by fraud ! ' 'Something has been got from him by fraud , I know , ' returned Traddles quietly ; 'and so do you , Mr. Heep . We will refer that question , if you please , to Mr . Micawber . ' 'Ury -- ! ' Mrs. Heep began , with an anxious gesture . 'YOU hold your tongue , mother , ' he returned ; 'least said , soonest mended . ' 'But , my Ury -- ' 'Will you hold your tongue , mother , and leave it to me ? ' Though I had long known that his servility was false , and all his pretences knavish and hollow , I had had no adequate conception of the extent of his hypocrisy , until I now saw him with his mask off . The suddenness with which he dropped it , when he perceived that it was useless to him ; the malice , insolence , and hatred , he revealed ; the leer with which he exulted , even at this moment , in the evil he had done -- all this time being desperate too , and at his wits ' end for the means of getting the better of us -- though perfectly consistent with the experience I had of him , at first took even me by surprise , who had known him so long , and disliked him so heartily . I say nothing of the look he conferred on me , as he stood eyeing us , one after another ; for I had always understood that he hated me , and I remembered the marks of my hand upon his cheek . But when his eyes passed on to Agnes , and I saw the rage with which he felt his power over her slipping away , and the exhibition , in their disappointment , of the odious passions that had led him to aspire to one whose virtues he could never appreciate or care for , I was shocked by the mere thought of her having lived , an hour , within sight of such a man . After some rubbing of the lower part of his face , and some looking at us with those bad eyes , over his grisly fingers , he made one more address to me , half whining , and half abusive . 'You think it justifiable , do you , Copperfield , you who pride yourself so much on your honour and all the rest of it , to sneak about my place , eaves-dropping with my clerk ? If it had been ME , I should n't have wondered ; for I do n't make myself out a gentleman ( though I never was in the streets either , as you were , according to Micawber ) , but being you ! -- And you 're not afraid of doing this , either ? You do n't think at all of what I shall do , in return ; or of getting yourself into trouble for conspiracy and so forth ? Very well . We shall see ! Mr. What's-your-name , you were going to refer some question to Micawber . There 's your referee . Why do n't you make him speak ? He has learnt his lesson , I see . ' Seeing that what he said had no effect on me or any of us , he sat on the edge of his table with his hands in his pockets , and one of his splay feet twisted round the other leg , waiting doggedly for what might follow . Mr. Micawber , whose impetuosity I had restrained thus far with the greatest difficulty , and who had repeatedly interposed with the first syllable of SCOUN-drel ! without getting to the second , now burst forward , drew the ruler from his breast ( apparently as a defensive weapon ) , and produced from his pocket a foolscap document , folded in the form of a large letter . Opening this packet , with his old flourish , and glancing at the contents , as if he cherished an artistic admiration of their style of composition , he began to read as follows : ' '' Dear Miss Trotwood and gentlemen -- '' ' 'Bless and save the man ! ' exclaimed my aunt in a low voice . 'He 'd write letters by the ream , if it was a capital offence ! ' Mr. Micawber , without hearing her , went on . ' '' In appearing before you to denounce probably the most consummate Villain that has ever existed , '' ' Mr. Micawber , without looking off the letter , pointed the ruler , like a ghostly truncheon , at Uriah Heep , ' '' I ask no consideration for myself . The victim , from my cradle , of pecuniary liabilities to which I have been unable to respond , I have ever been the sport and toy of debasing circumstances . Ignominy , Want , Despair , and Madness , have , collectively or separately , been the attendants of my career . '' ' The relish with which Mr. Micawber described himself as a prey to these dismal calamities , was only to be equalled by the emphasis with which he read his letter ; and the kind of homage he rendered to it with a roll of his head , when he thought he had hit a sentence very hard indeed . ' '' In an accumulation of Ignominy , Want , Despair , and Madness , I entered the office -- or , as our lively neighbour the Gaul would term it , the Bureau -- of the Firm , nominally conducted under the appellation of Wickfield and -- HEEP , but in reality , wielded by -- HEEP alone . HEEP , and only HEEP , is the mainspring of that machine . HEEP , and only HEEP , is the Forger and the Cheat . '' ' Uriah , more blue than white at these words , made a dart at the letter , as if to tear it in pieces . Mr. Micawber , with a perfect miracle of dexterity or luck , caught his advancing knuckles with the ruler , and disabled his right hand . It dropped at the wrist , as if it were broken . The blow sounded as if it had fallen on wood . 'The Devil take you ! ' said Uriah , writhing in a new way with pain . 'I'll be even with you . ' 'Approach me again , you -- you -- you HEEP of infamy , ' gasped Mr. Micawber , 'and if your head is human , I 'll break it . Come on , come on ! ' I think I never saw anything more ridiculous -- I was sensible of it , even at the time -- than Mr. Micawber making broad-sword guards with the ruler , and crying , 'Come on ! ' while Traddles and I pushed him back into a corner , from which , as often as we got him into it , he persisted in emerging again . His enemy , muttering to himself , after wringing his wounded hand for sometime , slowly drew off his neck-kerchief and bound it up ; then held it in his other hand , and sat upon his table with his sullen face looking down . Mr. Micawber , when he was sufficiently cool , proceeded with his letter . ' '' The stipendiary emoluments in consideration of which I entered into the service of -- HEEP , '' ' always pausing before that word and uttering it with astonishing vigour , ' '' were not defined , beyond the pittance of twenty-two shillings and six per week . The rest was left contingent on the value of my professional exertions ; in other and more expressive words , on the baseness of my nature , the cupidity of my motives , the poverty of my family , the general moral ( or rather immoral ) resemblance between myself and -- HEEP . Need I say , that it soon became necessary for me to solicit from -- HEEP -- pecuniary advances towards the support of Mrs. Micawber , and our blighted but rising family ? Need I say that this necessity had been foreseen by -- HEEP ? That those advances were secured by I.O.U . 's and other similar acknowledgements , known to the legal institutions of this country ? And that I thus became immeshed in the web he had spun for my reception ? '' ' Mr. Micawber 's enjoyment of his epistolary powers , in describing this unfortunate state of things , really seemed to outweigh any pain or anxiety that the reality could have caused him . He read on : ' '' Then it was that -- HEEP -- began to favour me with just so much of his confidence , as was necessary to the discharge of his infernal business . Then it was that I began , if I may so Shakespearianly express myself , to dwindle , peak , and pine . I found that my services were constantly called into requisition for the falsification of business , and the mystification of an individual whom I will designate as Mr. W. That Mr. W. was imposed upon , kept in ignorance , and deluded , in every possible way ; yet , that all this while , the ruffian -- HEEP -- was professing unbounded gratitude to , and unbounded friendship for , that much-abused gentleman . This was bad enough ; but , as the philosophic Dane observes , with that universal applicability which distinguishes the illustrious ornament of the Elizabethan Era , worse remains behind ! '' ' Mr. Micawber was so very much struck by this happy rounding off with a quotation , that he indulged himself , and us , with a second reading of the sentence , under pretence of having lost his place . ' '' It is not my intention , '' ' he continued reading on , ' '' to enter on a detailed list , within the compass of the present epistle ( though it is ready elsewhere ) , of the various malpractices of a minor nature , affecting the individual whom I have denominated Mr. W. , to which I have been a tacitly consenting party . My object , when the contest within myself between stipend and no stipend , baker and no baker , existence and non-existence , ceased , was to take advantage of my opportunities to discover and expose the major malpractices committed , to that gentleman 's grievous wrong and injury , by -- HEEP . Stimulated by the silent monitor within , and by a no less touching and appealing monitor without -- to whom I will briefly refer as Miss W. -- I entered on a not unlaborious task of clandestine investigation , protracted -- now , to the best of my knowledge , information , and belief , over a period exceeding twelve calendar months . '' ' He read this passage as if it were from an Act of Parliament ; and appeared majestically refreshed by the sound of the words . ' '' My charges against -- HEEP , '' ' he read on , glancing at him , and drawing the ruler into a convenient position under his left arm , in case of need , ' '' are as follows . '' ' We all held our breath , I think . I am sure Uriah held his . ' '' First , '' ' said Mr. Micawber , ' '' When Mr. W. 's faculties and memory for business became , through causes into which it is not necessary or expedient for me to enter , weakened and confused , -- HEEP -- designedly perplexed and complicated the whole of the official transactions . When Mr. W. was least fit to enter on business , -- HEEP was always at hand to force him to enter on it . He obtained Mr. W. 's signature under such circumstances to documents of importance , representing them to be other documents of no importance . He induced Mr. W. to empower him to draw out , thus , one particular sum of trust-money , amounting to twelve six fourteen , two and nine , and employed it to meet pretended business charges and deficiencies which were either already provided for , or had never really existed . He gave this proceeding , throughout , the appearance of having originated in Mr. W. 's own dishonest intention , and of having been accomplished by Mr. W. 's own dishonest act ; and has used it , ever since , to torture and constrain him . '' ' 'You shall prove this , you Copperfield ! ' said Uriah , with a threatening shake of the head . 'All in good time ! ' 'Ask -- HEEP -- Mr. Traddles , who lived in his house after him , ' said Mr. Micawber , breaking off from the letter ; 'will you ? ' 'The fool himself -- and lives there now , ' said Uriah , disdainfully . 'Ask -- HEEP -- if he ever kept a pocket-book in that house , ' said Mr. Micawber ; 'will you ? ' I saw Uriah 's lank hand stop , involuntarily , in the scraping of his chin . 'Or ask him , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'if he ever burnt one there . If he says yes , and asks you where the ashes are , refer him to Wilkins Micawber , and he will hear of something not at all to his advantage ! ' The triumphant flourish with which Mr. Micawber delivered himself of these words , had a powerful effect in alarming the mother ; who cried out , in much agitation : 'Ury , Ury ! Be umble , and make terms , my dear ! ' 'Mother ! ' he retorted , 'will you keep quiet ? You 're in a fright , and do n't know what you say or mean . Umble ! ' he repeated , looking at me , with a snarl ; 'I 've umbled some of 'em for a pretty long time back , umble as I was ! ' Mr. Micawber , genteelly adjusting his chin in his cravat , presently proceeded with his composition . ' '' Second . HEEP has , on several occasions , to the best of my knowledge , information , and belief -- '' ' 'But that wo n't do , ' muttered Uriah , relieved . 'Mother , you keep quiet . ' 'We will endeavour to provide something that WILL do , and do for you finally , sir , very shortly , ' replied Mr. Micawber . ' '' Second . HEEP has , on several occasions , to the best of my knowledge , information , and belief , systematically forged , to various entries , books , and documents , the signature of Mr. W. ; and has distinctly done so in one instance , capable of proof by me . To wit , in manner following , that is to say : '' ' Again , Mr. Micawber had a relish in this formal piling up of words , which , however ludicrously displayed in his case , was , I must say , not at all peculiar to him . I have observed it , in the course of my life , in numbers of men . It seems to me to be a general rule . In the taking of legal oaths , for instance , deponents seem to enjoy themselves mightily when they come to several good words in succession , for the expression of one idea ; as , that they utterly detest , abominate , and abjure , or so forth ; and the old anathemas were made relishing on the same principle . We talk about the tyranny of words , but we like to tyrannize over them too ; we are fond of having a large superfluous establishment of words to wait upon us on great occasions ; we think it looks important , and sounds well . As we are not particular about the meaning of our liveries on state occasions , if they be but fine and numerous enough , so , the meaning or necessity of our words is a secondary consideration , if there be but a great parade of them . And as individuals get into trouble by making too great a show of liveries , or as slaves when they are too numerous rise against their masters , so I think I could mention a nation that has got into many great difficulties , and will get into many greater , from maintaining too large a retinue of words . Mr. Micawber read on , almost smacking his lips : ' '' To wit , in manner following , that is to say . Mr. W. being infirm , and it being within the bounds of probability that his decease might lead to some discoveries , and to the downfall of -- HEEP 'S -- power over the W. family , -- as I , Wilkins Micawber , the undersigned , assume -- unless the filial affection of his daughter could be secretly influenced from allowing any investigation of the partnership affairs to be ever made , the said -- HEEP -- deemed it expedient to have a bond ready by him , as from Mr. W. , for the before-mentioned sum of twelve six fourteen , two and nine , with interest , stated therein to have been advanced by -- HEEP -- to Mr. W. to save Mr. W. from dishonour ; though really the sum was never advanced by him , and has long been replaced . The signatures to this instrument purporting to be executed by Mr. W. and attested by Wilkins Micawber , are forgeries by -- HEEP . I have , in my possession , in his hand and pocket-book , several similar imitations of Mr. W. 's signature , here and there defaced by fire , but legible to anyone . I never attested any such document . And I have the document itself , in my possession . '' ' Uriah Heep , with a start , took out of his pocket a bunch of keys , and opened a certain drawer ; then , suddenly bethought himself of what he was about , and turned again towards us , without looking in it . ' '' And I have the document , '' ' Mr. Micawber read again , looking about as if it were the text of a sermon , ' '' in my possession , -- that is to say , I had , early this morning , when this was written , but have since relinquished it to Mr . Traddles . '' ' 'It is quite true , ' assented Traddles . 'Ury , Ury ! ' cried the mother , 'be umble and make terms . I know my son will be umble , gentlemen , if you 'll give him time to think . Mr. Copperfield , I 'm sure you know that he was always very umble , sir ! ' It was singular to see how the mother still held to the old trick , when the son had abandoned it as useless . 'Mother , ' he said , with an impatient bite at the handkerchief in which his hand was wrapped , 'you had better take and fire a loaded gun at me . ' 'But I love you , Ury , ' cried Mrs. Heep . And I have no doubt she did ; or that he loved her , however strange it may appear ; though , to be sure , they were a congenial couple . 'And I ca n't bear to hear you provoking the gentlemen , and endangering of yourself more . I told the gentleman at first , when he told me upstairs it was come to light , that I would answer for your being umble , and making amends . Oh , see how umble I am , gentlemen , and do n't mind him ! ' 'Why , there 's Copperfield , mother , ' he angrily retorted , pointing his lean finger at me , against whom all his animosity was levelled , as the prime mover in the discovery ; and I did not undeceive him ; 'there's Copperfield , would have given you a hundred pound to say less than you 've blurted out ! ' 'I ca n't help it , Ury , ' cried his mother . 'I ca n't see you running into danger , through carrying your head so high . Better be umble , as you always was . ' He remained for a little , biting the handkerchief , and then said to me with a scowl : 'What more have you got to bring forward ? If anything , go on with it . What do you look at me for ? ' Mr. Micawber promptly resumed his letter , glad to revert to a performance with which he was so highly satisfied . ' '' Third . And last . I am now in a condition to show , by -- HEEP 'S -- false books , and -- HEEP 'S -- real memoranda , beginning with the partially destroyed pocket-book ( which I was unable to comprehend , at the time of its accidental discovery by Mrs. Micawber , on our taking possession of our present abode , in the locker or bin devoted to the reception of the ashes calcined on our domestic hearth ) , that the weaknesses , the faults , the very virtues , the parental affections , and the sense of honour , of the unhappy Mr. W. have been for years acted on by , and warped to the base purposes of -- HEEP . That Mr. W. has been for years deluded and plundered , in every conceivable manner , to the pecuniary aggrandisement of the avaricious , false , and grasping -- HEEP . That the engrossing object of -- HEEP -- was , next to gain , to subdue Mr. and Miss W. ( of his ulterior views in reference to the latter I say nothing ) entirely to himself . That his last act , completed but a few months since , was to induce Mr. W. to execute a relinquishment of his share in the partnership , and even a bill of sale on the very furniture of his house , in consideration of a certain annuity , to be well and truly paid by -- HEEP -- on the four common quarter-days in each and every year . That these meshes ; beginning with alarming and falsified accounts of the estate of which Mr. W. is the receiver , at a period when Mr. W. had launched into imprudent and ill-judged speculations , and may not have had the money , for which he was morally and legally responsible , in hand ; going on with pretended borrowings of money at enormous interest , really coming from -- HEEP -- and by -- HEEP -- fraudulently obtained or withheld from Mr. W. himself , on pretence of such speculations or otherwise ; perpetuated by a miscellaneous catalogue of unscrupulous chicaneries -- gradually thickened , until the unhappy Mr. W. could see no world beyond . Bankrupt , as he believed , alike in circumstances , in all other hope , and in honour , his sole reliance was upon the monster in the garb of man , '' ' -- Mr. Micawber made a good deal of this , as a new turn of expression , -- ' '' who , by making himself necessary to him , had achieved his destruction . All this I undertake to show . Probably much more ! '' ' I whispered a few words to Agnes , who was weeping , half joyfully , half sorrowfully , at my side ; and there was a movement among us , as if Mr. Micawber had finished . He said , with exceeding gravity , 'Pardon me , ' and proceeded , with a mixture of the lowest spirits and the most intense enjoyment , to the peroration of his letter . ' '' I have now concluded . It merely remains for me to substantiate these accusations ; and then , with my ill-starred family , to disappear from the landscape on which we appear to be an encumbrance . That is soon done . It may be reasonably inferred that our baby will first expire of inanition , as being the frailest member of our circle ; and that our twins will follow next in order . So be it ! For myself , my Canterbury Pilgrimage has done much ; imprisonment on civil process , and want , will soon do more . I trust that the labour and hazard of an investigation -- of which the smallest results have been slowly pieced together , in the pressure of arduous avocations , under grinding penurious apprehensions , at rise of morn , at dewy eve , in the shadows of night , under the watchful eye of one whom it were superfluous to call Demon -- combined with the struggle of parental Poverty to turn it , when completed , to the right account , may be as the sprinkling of a few drops of sweet water on my funeral pyre . I ask no more . Let it be , in justice , merely said of me , as of a gallant and eminent naval Hero , with whom I have no pretensions to cope , that what I have done , I did , in despite of mercenary and selfish objects , For England , home , and Beauty . ' '' Remaining always , & c. & c. , WILKINS MICAWBER . '' ' Much affected , but still intensely enjoying himself , Mr. Micawber folded up his letter , and handed it with a bow to my aunt , as something she might like to keep . There was , as I had noticed on my first visit long ago , an iron safe in the room . The key was in it . A hasty suspicion seemed to strike Uriah ; and , with a glance at Mr. Micawber , he went to it , and threw the doors clanking open . It was empty . 'Where are the books ? ' he cried , with a frightful face . 'Some thief has stolen the books ! ' Mr. Micawber tapped himself with the ruler . 'I did , when I got the key from you as usual -- but a little earlier -- and opened it this morning . ' 'Do n't be uneasy , ' said Traddles . 'They have come into my possession . I will take care of them , under the authority I mentioned . ' 'You receive stolen goods , do you ? ' cried Uriah . 'Under such circumstances , ' answered Traddles , 'yes . ' What was my astonishment when I beheld my aunt , who had been profoundly quiet and attentive , make a dart at Uriah Heep , and seize him by the collar with both hands ! 'You know what I want ? ' said my aunt . 'A strait-waistcoat , ' said he . 'No . My property ! ' returned my aunt . 'Agnes , my dear , as long as I believed it had been really made away with by your father , I would n't -- and , my dear , I did n't , even to Trot , as he knows -- breathe a syllable of its having been placed here for investment . But , now I know this fellow 's answerable for it , and I 'll have it ! Trot , come and take it away from him ! ' Whether my aunt supposed , for the moment , that he kept her property in his neck-kerchief , I am sure I do n't know ; but she certainly pulled at it as if she thought so . I hastened to put myself between them , and to assure her that we would all take care that he should make the utmost restitution of everything he had wrongly got . This , and a few moments' reflection , pacified her ; but she was not at all disconcerted by what she had done ( though I can not say as much for her bonnet ) and resumed her seat composedly . During the last few minutes , Mrs. Heep had been clamouring to her son to be 'umble ' ; and had been going down on her knees to all of us in succession , and making the wildest promises . Her son sat her down in his chair ; and , standing sulkily by her , holding her arm with his hand , but not rudely , said to me , with a ferocious look : 'What do you want done ? ' 'I will tell you what must be done , ' said Traddles . 'Has that Copperfield no tongue ? ' muttered Uriah , 'I would do a good deal for you if you could tell me , without lying , that somebody had cut it out . ' 'My Uriah means to be umble ! ' cried his mother . 'Do n't mind what he says , good gentlemen ! ' 'What must be done , ' said Traddles , 'is this . First , the deed of relinquishment , that we have heard of , must be given over to me now -- here . ' 'Suppose I have n't got it , ' he interrupted . 'But you have , ' said Traddles ; 'therefore , you know , we wo n't suppose so . ' And I can not help avowing that this was the first occasion on which I really did justice to the clear head , and the plain , patient , practical good sense , of my old schoolfellow . 'Then , ' said Traddles , 'you must prepare to disgorge all that your rapacity has become possessed of , and to make restoration to the last farthing . All the partnership books and papers must remain in our possession ; all your books and papers ; all money accounts and securities , of both kinds . In short , everything here . ' 'Must it ? I do n't know that , ' said Uriah . 'I must have time to think about that . ' 'Certainly , ' replied Traddles ; 'but , in the meanwhile , and until everything is done to our satisfaction , we shall maintain possession of these things ; and beg you -- in short , compel you -- to keep to your own room , and hold no communication with anyone . ' 'I wo n't do it ! ' said Uriah , with an oath . 'Maidstone jail is a safer place of detention , ' observed Traddles ; 'and though the law may be longer in righting us , and may not be able to right us so completely as you can , there is no doubt of its punishing YOU . Dear me , you know that quite as well as I ! Copperfield , will you go round to the Guildhall , and bring a couple of officers ? ' Here , Mrs. Heep broke out again , crying on her knees to Agnes to interfere in their behalf , exclaiming that he was very humble , and it was all true , and if he did n't do what we wanted , she would , and much more to the same purpose ; being half frantic with fears for her darling . To inquire what he might have done , if he had had any boldness , would be like inquiring what a mongrel cur might do , if it had the spirit of a tiger . He was a coward , from head to foot ; and showed his dastardly nature through his sullenness and mortification , as much as at any time of his mean life . 'Stop ! ' he growled to me ; and wiped his hot face with his hand . 'Mother , hold your noise . Well ! Let 'em have that deed . Go and fetch it ! ' 'Do you help her , Mr. Dick , ' said Traddles , 'if you please . ' Proud of his commission , and understanding it , Mr. Dick accompanied her as a shepherd 's dog might accompany a sheep . But , Mrs. Heep gave him little trouble ; for she not only returned with the deed , but with the box in which it was , where we found a banker 's book and some other papers that were afterwards serviceable . 'Good ! ' said Traddles , when this was brought . 'Now , Mr. Heep , you can retire to think : particularly observing , if you please , that I declare to you , on the part of all present , that there is only one thing to be done ; that it is what I have explained ; and that it must be done without delay . ' Uriah , without lifting his eyes from the ground , shuffled across the room with his hand to his chin , and pausing at the door , said : 'Copperfield , I have always hated you . You 've always been an upstart , and you 've always been against me . ' 'As I think I told you once before , ' said I , 'it is you who have been , in your greed and cunning , against all the world . It may be profitable to you to reflect , in future , that there never were greed and cunning in the world yet , that did not do too much , and overreach themselves . It is as certain as death . ' 'Or as certain as they used to teach at school ( the same school where I picked up so much umbleness ) , from nine o'clock to eleven , that labour was a curse ; and from eleven o'clock to one , that it was a blessing and a cheerfulness , and a dignity , and I do n't know what all , eh ? ' said he with a sneer . 'You preach , about as consistent as they did . Wo n't umbleness go down ? I should n't have got round my gentleman fellow-partner without it , I think . -- Micawber , you old bully , I 'll pay YOU ! ' Mr. Micawber , supremely defiant of him and his extended finger , and making a great deal of his chest until he had slunk out at the door , then addressed himself to me , and proffered me the satisfaction of 'witnessing the re-establishment of mutual confidence between himself and Mrs. Micawber ' . After which , he invited the company generally to the contemplation of that affecting spectacle . 'The veil that has long been interposed between Mrs. Micawber and myself , is now withdrawn , ' said Mr. Micawber ; 'and my children and the Author of their Being can once more come in contact on equal terms . ' As we were all very grateful to him , and all desirous to show that we were , as well as the hurry and disorder of our spirits would permit , I dare say we should all have gone , but that it was necessary for Agnes to return to her father , as yet unable to bear more than the dawn of hope ; and for someone else to hold Uriah in safe keeping . So , Traddles remained for the latter purpose , to be presently relieved by Mr. Dick ; and Mr. Dick , my aunt , and I , went home with Mr. Micawber . As I parted hurriedly from the dear girl to whom I owed so much , and thought from what she had been saved , perhaps , that morning -- her better resolution notwithstanding -- I felt devoutly thankful for the miseries of my younger days which had brought me to the knowledge of Mr. Micawber . His house was not far off ; and as the street door opened into the sitting-room , and he bolted in with a precipitation quite his own , we found ourselves at once in the bosom of the family . Mr. Micawber exclaiming , 'Emma ! my life ! ' rushed into Mrs. Micawber 's arms . Mrs. Micawber shrieked , and folded Mr. Micawber in her embrace . Miss Micawber , nursing the unconscious stranger of Mrs. Micawber 's last letter to me , was sensibly affected . The stranger leaped . The twins testified their joy by several inconvenient but innocent demonstrations . Master Micawber , whose disposition appeared to have been soured by early disappointment , and whose aspect had become morose , yielded to his better feelings , and blubbered . 'Emma ! ' said Mr. Micawber . 'The cloud is past from my mind . Mutual confidence , so long preserved between us once , is restored , to know no further interruption . Now , welcome poverty ! ' cried Mr. Micawber , shedding tears . 'Welcome misery , welcome houselessness , welcome hunger , rags , tempest , and beggary ! Mutual confidence will sustain us to the end ! ' With these expressions , Mr. Micawber placed Mrs. Micawber in a chair , and embraced the family all round ; welcoming a variety of bleak prospects , which appeared , to the best of my judgement , to be anything but welcome to them ; and calling upon them to come out into Canterbury and sing a chorus , as nothing else was left for their support . But Mrs. Micawber having , in the strength of her emotions , fainted away , the first thing to be done , even before the chorus could be considered complete , was to recover her . This my aunt and Mr. Micawber did ; and then my aunt was introduced , and Mrs. Micawber recognized me . 'Excuse me , dear Mr. Copperfield , ' said the poor lady , giving me her hand , 'but I am not strong ; and the removal of the late misunderstanding between Mr. Micawber and myself was at first too much for me . ' 'Is this all your family , ma'am ? ' said my aunt . 'There are no more at present , ' returned Mrs. Micawber . 'Good gracious , I did n't mean that , ma'am , ' said my aunt . 'I mean , are all these yours ? ' 'Madam , ' replied Mr. Micawber , 'it is a true bill . ' 'And that eldest young gentleman , now , ' said my aunt , musing , 'what has he been brought up to ? ' 'It was my hope when I came here , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'to have got Wilkins into the Church : or perhaps I shall express my meaning more strictly , if I say the Choir . But there was no vacancy for a tenor in the venerable Pile for which this city is so justly eminent ; and he has -- in short , he has contracted a habit of singing in public-houses , rather than in sacred edifices . ' 'But he means well , ' said Mrs. Micawber , tenderly . 'I dare say , my love , ' rejoined Mr. Micawber , 'that he means particularly well ; but I have not yet found that he carries out his meaning , in any given direction whatsoever . ' Master Micawber 's moroseness of aspect returned upon him again , and he demanded , with some temper , what he was to do ? Whether he had been born a carpenter , or a coach-painter , any more than he had been born a bird ? Whether he could go into the next street , and open a chemist 's shop ? Whether he could rush to the next assizes , and proclaim himself a lawyer ? Whether he could come out by force at the opera , and succeed by violence ? Whether he could do anything , without being brought up to something ? My aunt mused a little while , and then said : 'Mr . Micawber , I wonder you have never turned your thoughts to emigration . ' 'Madam , ' returned Mr. Micawber , 'it was the dream of my youth , and the fallacious aspiration of my riper years . ' I am thoroughly persuaded , by the by , that he had never thought of it in his life . 'Aye ? ' said my aunt , with a glance at me . 'Why , what a thing it would be for yourselves and your family , Mr. and Mrs. Micawber , if you were to emigrate now . ' 'Capital , madam , capital , ' urged Mr. Micawber , gloomily . 'That is the principal , I may say the only difficulty , my dear Mr. Copperfield , ' assented his wife . 'Capital ? ' cried my aunt . 'But you are doing us a great service -- have done us a great service , I may say , for surely much will come out of the fire -- and what could we do for you , that would be half so good as to find the capital ? ' 'I could not receive it as a gift , ' said Mr. Micawber , full of fire and animation , 'but if a sufficient sum could be advanced , say at five per cent interest , per annum , upon my personal liability -- say my notes of hand , at twelve , eighteen , and twenty-four months , respectively , to allow time for something to turn up -- ' 'Could be ? Can be and shall be , on your own terms , ' returned my aunt , 'if you say the word . Think of this now , both of you . Here are some people David knows , going out to Australia shortly . If you decide to go , why should n't you go in the same ship ? You may help each other . Think of this now , Mr. and Mrs. Micawber . Take your time , and weigh it well . ' 'There is but one question , my dear ma'am , I could wish to ask , ' said Mrs. Micawber . 'The climate , I believe , is healthy ? ' 'Finest in the world ! ' said my aunt . 'Just so , ' returned Mrs. Micawber . 'Then my question arises . Now , are the circumstances of the country such , that a man of Mr. Micawber's abilities would have a fair chance of rising in the social scale ? I will not say , at present , might he aspire to be Governor , or anything of that sort ; but would there be a reasonable opening for his talents to develop themselves -- that would be amply sufficient -- and find their own expansion ? ' 'No better opening anywhere , ' said my aunt , 'for a man who conducts himself well , and is industrious . ' 'For a man who conducts himself well , ' repeated Mrs. Micawber , with her clearest business manner , 'and is industrious . Precisely . It is evident to me that Australia is the legitimate sphere of action for Mr . Micawber ! ' 'I entertain the conviction , my dear madam , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'that it is , under existing circumstances , the land , the only land , for myself and family ; and that something of an extraordinary nature will turn up on that shore . It is no distance -- comparatively speaking ; and though consideration is due to the kindness of your proposal , I assure you that is a mere matter of form . ' Shall I ever forget how , in a moment , he was the most sanguine of men , looking on to fortune ; or how Mrs. Micawber presently discoursed about the habits of the kangaroo ! Shall I ever recall that street of Canterbury on a market-day , without recalling him , as he walked back with us ; expressing , in the hardy roving manner he assumed , the unsettled habits of a temporary sojourner in the land ; and looking at the bullocks , as they came by , with the eye of an Australian farmer ! CHAPTER 53 . ANOTHER RETROSPECT I must pause yet once again . O , my child-wife , there is a figure in the moving crowd before my memory , quiet and still , saying in its innocent love and childish beauty , Stop to think of me -- turn to look upon the Little Blossom , as it flutters to the ground ! I do . All else grows dim , and fades away . I am again with Dora , in our cottage . I do not know how long she has been ill . I am so used to it in feeling , that I can not count the time . It is not really long , in weeks or months ; but , in my usage and experience , it is a weary , weary while . They have left off telling me to 'wait a few days more ' . I have begun to fear , remotely , that the day may never shine , when I shall see my child-wife running in the sunlight with her old friend Jip . He is , as it were suddenly , grown very old . It may be that he misses in his mistress , something that enlivened him and made him younger ; but he mopes , and his sight is weak , and his limbs are feeble , and my aunt is sorry that he objects to her no more , but creeps near her as he lies on Dora 's bed -- she sitting at the bedside -- and mildly licks her hand . Dora lies smiling on us , and is beautiful , and utters no hasty or complaining word . She says that we are very good to her ; that her dear old careful boy is tiring himself out , she knows ; that my aunt has no sleep , yet is always wakeful , active , and kind . Sometimes , the little bird-like ladies come to see her ; and then we talk about our wedding-day , and all that happy time . What a strange rest and pause in my life there seems to be -- and in all life , within doors and without -- when I sit in the quiet , shaded , orderly room , with the blue eyes of my child-wife turned towards me , and her little fingers twining round my hand ! Many and many an hour I sit thus ; but , of all those times , three times come the freshest on my mind . It is morning ; and Dora , made so trim by my aunt 's hands , shows me how her pretty hair will curl upon the pillow yet , an how long and bright it is , and how she likes to have it loosely gathered in that net she wears . 'Not that I am vain of it , now , you mocking boy , ' she says , when I smile ; 'but because you used to say you thought it so beautiful ; and because , when I first began to think about you , I used to peep in the glass , and wonder whether you would like very much to have a lock of it . Oh what a foolish fellow you were , Doady , when I gave you one ! ' 'That was on the day when you were painting the flowers I had given you , Dora , and when I told you how much in love I was . ' 'Ah ! but I did n't like to tell you , ' says Dora , 'then , how I had cried over them , because I believed you really liked me ! When I can run about again as I used to do , Doady , let us go and see those places where we were such a silly couple , shall we ? And take some of the old walks ? And not forget poor papa ? ' 'Yes , we will , and have some happy days . So you must make haste to get well , my dear . ' 'Oh , I shall soon do that ! I am so much better , you do n't know ! ' It is evening ; and I sit in the same chair , by the same bed , with the same face turned towards me . We have been silent , and there is a smile upon her face . I have ceased to carry my light burden up and down stairs now . She lies here all the day . 'Doady ! ' 'My dear Dora ! ' 'You wo n't think what I am going to say , unreasonable , after what you told me , such a little while ago , of Mr. Wickfield 's not being well ? I want to see Agnes . Very much I want to see her . ' 'I will write to her , my dear . ' 'Will you ? ' 'Directly . ' 'What a good , kind boy ! Doady , take me on your arm . Indeed , my dear , it 's not a whim . It 's not a foolish fancy . I want , very much indeed , to see her ! ' 'I am certain of it . I have only to tell her so , and she is sure to come . ' 'You are very lonely when you go downstairs , now ? ' Dora whispers , with her arm about my neck . 'How can I be otherwise , my own love , when I see your empty chair ? ' 'My empty chair ! ' She clings to me for a little while , in silence . 'And you really miss me , Doady ? ' looking up , and brightly smiling . 'Even poor , giddy , stupid me ? ' 'My heart , who is there upon earth that I could miss so much ? ' 'Oh , husband ! I am so glad , yet so sorry ! ' creeping closer to me , and folding me in both her arms . She laughs and sobs , and then is quiet , and quite happy . 'Quite ! ' she says . 'Only give Agnes my dear love , and tell her that I want very , very , much to see her ; and I have nothing left to wish for . ' 'Except to get well again , Dora . ' 'Ah , Doady ! Sometimes I think -- you know I always was a silly little thing ! -- that that will never be ! ' 'Do n't say so , Dora ! Dearest love , do n't think so ! ' 'I wo n't , if I can help it , Doady . But I am very happy ; though my dear boy is so lonely by himself , before his child-wife 's empty chair ! ' It is night ; and I am with her still . Agnes has arrived ; has been among us for a whole day and an evening . She , my aunt , and I , have sat with Dora since the morning , all together . We have not talked much , but Dora has been perfectly contented and cheerful . We are now alone . Do I know , now , that my child-wife will soon leave me ? They have told me so ; they have told me nothing new to my thoughts -- but I am far from sure that I have taken that truth to heart . I can not master it . I have withdrawn by myself , many times today , to weep . I have remembered Who wept for a parting between the living and the dead . I have bethought me of all that gracious and compassionate history . I have tried to resign myself , and to console myself ; and that , I hope , I may have done imperfectly ; but what I can not firmly settle in my mind is , that the end will absolutely come . I hold her hand in mine , I hold her heart in mine , I see her love for me , alive in all its strength . I can not shut out a pale lingering shadow of belief that she will be spared . 'I am going to speak to you , Doady . I am going to say something I have often thought of saying , lately . You wo n't mind ? ' with a gentle look . 'Mind , my darling ? ' 'Because I do n't know what you will think , or what you may have thought sometimes . Perhaps you have often thought the same . Doady , dear , I am afraid I was too young . ' I lay my face upon the pillow by her , and she looks into my eyes , and speaks very softly . Gradually , as she goes on , I feel , with a stricken heart , that she is speaking of herself as past . 'I am afraid , dear , I was too young . I do n't mean in years only , but in experience , and thoughts , and everything . I was such a silly little creature ! I am afraid it would have been better , if we had only loved each other as a boy and girl , and forgotten it . I have begun to think I was not fit to be a wife . ' I try to stay my tears , and to reply , 'Oh , Dora , love , as fit as I to be a husband ! ' 'I do n't know , ' with the old shake of her curls . 'Perhaps ! But if I had been more fit to be married I might have made you more so , too . Besides , you are very clever , and I never was . ' 'We have been very happy , my sweet Dora . ' 'I was very happy , very . But , as years went on , my dear boy would have wearied of his child-wife . She would have been less and less a companion for him . He would have been more and more sensible of what was wanting in his home . She would n't have improved . It is better as it is . ' 'Oh , Dora , dearest , dearest , do not speak to me so . Every word seems a reproach ! ' 'No , not a syllable ! ' she answers , kissing me . 'Oh , my dear , you never deserved it , and I loved you far too well to say a reproachful word to you , in earnest -- it was all the merit I had , except being pretty -- or you thought me so . Is it lonely , down-stairs , Doady ? ' 'Very ! Very ! ' 'Do n't cry ! Is my chair there ? ' 'In its old place . ' 'Oh , how my poor boy cries ! Hush , hush ! Now , make me one promise . I want to speak to Agnes . When you go downstairs , tell Agnes so , and send her up to me ; and while I speak to her , let no one come -- not even aunt . I want to speak to Agnes by herself . I want to speak to Agnes , quite alone . ' I promise that she shall , immediately ; but I can not leave her , for my grief . 'I said that it was better as it is ! ' she whispers , as she holds me in her arms . 'Oh , Doady , after more years , you never could have loved your child-wife better than you do ; and , after more years , she would so have tried and disappointed you , that you might not have been able to love her half so well ! I know I was too young and foolish . It is much better as it is ! ' Agnes is downstairs , when I go into the parlour ; and I give her the message . She disappears , leaving me alone with Jip . His Chinese house is by the fire ; and he lies within it , on his bed of flannel , querulously trying to sleep . The bright moon is high and clear . As I look out on the night , my tears fall fast , and my undisciplined heart is chastened heavily -- heavily . I sit down by the fire , thinking with a blind remorse of all those secret feelings I have nourished since my marriage . I think of every little trifle between me and Dora , and feel the truth , that trifles make the sum of life . Ever rising from the sea of my remembrance , is the image of the dear child as I knew her first , graced by my young love , and by her own , with every fascination wherein such love is rich . Would it , indeed , have been better if we had loved each other as a boy and a girl , and forgotten it ? Undisciplined heart , reply ! How the time wears , I know not ; until I am recalled by my child-wife's old companion . More restless than he was , he crawls out of his house , and looks at me , and wanders to the door , and whines to go upstairs . 'Not tonight , Jip ! Not tonight ! ' He comes very slowly back to me , licks my hand , and lifts his dim eyes to my face . 'Oh , Jip ! It may be , never again ! ' He lies down at my feet , stretches himself out as if to sleep , and with a plaintive cry , is dead . 'Oh , Agnes ! Look , look , here ! ' -- That face , so full of pity , and of grief , that rain of tears , that awful mute appeal to me , that solemn hand upraised towards Heaven ! 'Agnes ? ' It is over . Darkness comes before my eyes ; and , for a time , all things are blotted out of my remembrance . CHAPTER 54 . Mr. MICAWBER 'S TRANSACTIONS This is not the time at which I am to enter on the state of my mind beneath its load of sorrow . I came to think that the Future was walled up before me , that the energy and action of my life were at an end , that I never could find any refuge but in the grave . I came to think so , I say , but not in the first shock of my grief . It slowly grew to that . If the events I go on to relate , had not thickened around me , in the beginning to confuse , and in the end to augment , my affliction , it is possible ( though I think not probable ) , that I might have fallen at once into this condition . As it was , an interval occurred before I fully knew my own distress ; an interval , in which I even supposed that its sharpest pangs were past ; and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on all that was most innocent and beautiful , in the tender story that was closed for ever . When it was first proposed that I should go abroad , or how it came to be agreed among us that I was to seek the restoration of my peace in change and travel , I do not , even now , distinctly know . The spirit of Agnes so pervaded all we thought , and said , and did , in that time of sorrow , that I assume I may refer the project to her influence . But her influence was so quiet that I know no more . And now , indeed , I began to think that in my old association of her with the stained-glass window in the church , a prophetic foreshadowing of what she would be to me , in the calamity that was to happen in the fullness of time , had found a way into my mind . In all that sorrow , from the moment , never to be forgotten , when she stood before me with her upraised hand , she was like a sacred presence in my lonely house . When the Angel of Death alighted there , my child-wife fell asleep -- they told me so when I could bear to hear it -- on her bosom , with a smile . From my swoon , I first awoke to a consciousness of her compassionate tears , her words of hope and peace , her gentle face bending down as from a purer region nearer Heaven , over my undisciplined heart , and softening its pain . Let me go on . I was to go abroad . That seemed to have been determined among us from the first . The ground now covering all that could perish of my departed wife , I waited only for what Mr. Micawber called the 'final pulverization of Heep ' ; and for the departure of the emigrants . At the request of Traddles , most affectionate and devoted of friends in my trouble , we returned to Canterbury : I mean my aunt , Agnes , and I . We proceeded by appointment straight to Mr. Micawber 's house ; where , and at Mr. Wickfield 's , my friend had been labouring ever since our explosive meeting . When poor Mrs. Micawber saw me come in , in my black clothes , she was sensibly affected . There was a great deal of good in Mrs. Micawber 's heart , which had not been dunned out of it in all those many years . 'Well , Mr. and Mrs. Micawber , ' was my aunt 's first salutation after we were seated . 'Pray , have you thought about that emigration proposal of mine ? ' 'My dear madam , ' returned Mr. Micawber , 'perhaps I can not better express the conclusion at which Mrs. Micawber , your humble servant , and I may add our children , have jointly and severally arrived , than by borrowing the language of an illustrious poet , to reply that our Boat is on the shore , and our Bark is on the sea . ' 'That 's right , ' said my aunt . 'I augur all sort of good from your sensible decision . ' 'Madam , you do us a great deal of honour , ' he rejoined . He then referred to a memorandum . 'With respect to the pecuniary assistance enabling us to launch our frail canoe on the ocean of enterprise , I have reconsidered that important business-point ; and would beg to propose my notes of hand -- drawn , it is needless to stipulate , on stamps of the amounts respectively required by the various Acts of Parliament applying to such securities -- at eighteen , twenty-four , and thirty months . The proposition I originally submitted , was twelve , eighteen , and twenty-four ; but I am apprehensive that such an arrangement might not allow sufficient time for the requisite amount of -- Something -- to turn up . We might not , ' said Mr. Micawber , looking round the room as if it represented several hundred acres of highly cultivated land , 'on the first responsibility becoming due , have been successful in our harvest , or we might not have got our harvest in . Labour , I believe , is sometimes difficult to obtain in that portion of our colonial possessions where it will be our lot to combat with the teeming soil . ' 'Arrange it in any way you please , sir , ' said my aunt . 'Madam , ' he replied , 'Mrs . Micawber and myself are deeply sensible of the very considerate kindness of our friends and patrons . What I wish is , to be perfectly business-like , and perfectly punctual . Turning over , as we are about to turn over , an entirely new leaf ; and falling back , as we are now in the act of falling back , for a Spring of no common magnitude ; it is important to my sense of self-respect , besides being an example to my son , that these arrangements should be concluded as between man and man . ' I do n't know that Mr. Micawber attached any meaning to this last phrase ; I do n't know that anybody ever does , or did ; but he appeared to relish it uncommonly , and repeated , with an impressive cough , 'as between man and man ' . 'I propose , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'Bills -- a convenience to the mercantile world , for which , I believe , we are originally indebted to the Jews , who appear to me to have had a devilish deal too much to do with them ever since -- because they are negotiable . But if a Bond , or any other description of security , would be preferred , I should be happy to execute any such instrument . As between man and man . ' My aunt observed , that in a case where both parties were willing to agree to anything , she took it for granted there would be no difficulty in settling this point . Mr. Micawber was of her opinion . 'In reference to our domestic preparations , madam , ' said Mr. Micawber , with some pride , 'for meeting the destiny to which we are now understood to be self-devoted , I beg to report them . My eldest daughter attends at five every morning in a neighbouring establishment , to acquire the process -- if process it may be called -- of milking cows . My younger children are instructed to observe , as closely as circumstances will permit , the habits of the pigs and poultry maintained in the poorer parts of this city : a pursuit from which they have , on two occasions , been brought home , within an inch of being run over . I have myself directed some attention , during the past week , to the art of baking ; and my son Wilkins has issued forth with a walking-stick and driven cattle , when permitted , by the rugged hirelings who had them in charge , to render any voluntary service in that direction -- which I regret to say , for the credit of our nature , was not often ; he being generally warned , with imprecations , to desist . ' 'All very right indeed , ' said my aunt , encouragingly . 'Mrs . Micawber has been busy , too , I have no doubt . ' 'My dear madam , ' returned Mrs. Micawber , with her business-like air . 'I am free to confess that I have not been actively engaged in pursuits immediately connected with cultivation or with stock , though well aware that both will claim my attention on a foreign shore . Such opportunities as I have been enabled to alienate from my domestic duties , I have devoted to corresponding at some length with my family . For I own it seems to me , my dear Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , who always fell back on me , I suppose from old habit , to whomsoever else she might address her discourse at starting , 'that the time is come when the past should be buried in oblivion ; when my family should take Mr. Micawber by the hand , and Mr. Micawber should take my family by the hand ; when the lion should lie down with the lamb , and my family be on terms with Mr . Micawber . ' I said I thought so too . 'This , at least , is the light , my dear Mr. Copperfield , ' pursued Mrs. Micawber , 'in which I view the subject . When I lived at home with my papa and mama , my papa was accustomed to ask , when any point was under discussion in our limited circle , `` In what light does my Emma view the subject ? '' That my papa was too partial , I know ; still , on such a point as the frigid coldness which has ever subsisted between Mr. Micawber and my family , I necessarily have formed an opinion , delusive though it may be . ' 'No doubt . Of course you have , ma'am , ' said my aunt . 'Precisely so , ' assented Mrs. Micawber . 'Now , I may be wrong in my conclusions ; it is very likely that I am , but my individual impression is , that the gulf between my family and Mr. Micawber may be traced to an apprehension , on the part of my family , that Mr. Micawber would require pecuniary accommodation . I can not help thinking , ' said Mrs. Micawber , with an air of deep sagacity , 'that there are members of my family who have been apprehensive that Mr. Micawber would solicit them for their names. -- -I do not mean to be conferred in Baptism upon our children , but to be inscribed on Bills of Exchange , and negotiated in the Money Market . ' The look of penetration with which Mrs. Micawber announced this discovery , as if no one had ever thought of it before , seemed rather to astonish my aunt ; who abruptly replied , 'Well , ma'am , upon the whole , I should n't wonder if you were right ! ' 'Mr . Micawber being now on the eve of casting off the pecuniary shackles that have so long enthralled him , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'and of commencing a new career in a country where there is sufficient range for his abilities , -- which , in my opinion , is exceedingly important ; Mr. Micawber 's abilities peculiarly requiring space , -- it seems to me that my family should signalize the occasion by coming forward . What I could wish to see , would be a meeting between Mr. Micawber and my family at a festive entertainment , to be given at my family 's expense ; where Mr. Micawber 's health and prosperity being proposed , by some leading member of my family , Mr. Micawber might have an opportunity of developing his views . ' 'My dear , ' said Mr. Micawber , with some heat , 'it may be better for me to state distinctly , at once , that if I were to develop my views to that assembled group , they would possibly be found of an offensive nature : my impression being that your family are , in the aggregate , impertinent Snobs ; and , in detail , unmitigated Ruffians . ' 'Micawber , ' said Mrs. Micawber , shaking her head , 'no ! You have never understood them , and they have never understood you . ' Mr. Micawber coughed . 'They have never understood you , Micawber , ' said his wife . 'They may be incapable of it . If so , that is their misfortune . I can pity their misfortune . ' 'I am extremely sorry , my dear Emma , ' said Mr. Micawber , relenting , 'to have been betrayed into any expressions that might , even remotely , have the appearance of being strong expressions . All I would say is , that I can go abroad without your family coming forward to favour me , -- in short , with a parting Shove of their cold shoulders ; and that , upon the whole , I would rather leave England with such impetus as I possess , than derive any acceleration of it from that quarter . At the same time , my dear , if they should condescend to reply to your communications -- which our joint experience renders most improbable -- far be it from me to be a barrier to your wishes . ' The matter being thus amicably settled , Mr. Micawber gave Mrs. Micawber his arm , and glancing at the heap of books and papers lying before Traddles on the table , said they would leave us to ourselves ; which they ceremoniously did . 'My dear Copperfield , ' said Traddles , leaning back in his chair when they were gone , and looking at me with an affection that made his eyes red , and his hair all kinds of shapes , 'I do n't make any excuse for troubling you with business , because I know you are deeply interested in it , and it may divert your thoughts . My dear boy , I hope you are not worn out ? ' 'I am quite myself , ' said I , after a pause . 'We have more cause to think of my aunt than of anyone . You know how much she has done . ' 'Surely , surely , ' answered Traddles . 'Who can forget it ! ' 'But even that is not all , ' said I . 'During the last fortnight , some new trouble has vexed her ; and she has been in and out of London every day . Several times she has gone out early , and been absent until evening . Last night , Traddles , with this journey before her , it was almost midnight before she came home . You know what her consideration for others is . She will not tell me what has happened to distress her . ' My aunt , very pale , and with deep lines in her face , sat immovable until I had finished ; when some stray tears found their way to her cheeks , and she put her hand on mine . 'It 's nothing , Trot ; it 's nothing . There will be no more of it . You shall know by and by . Now Agnes , my dear , let us attend to these affairs . ' 'I must do Mr. Micawber the justice to say , ' Traddles began , 'that although he would appear not to have worked to any good account for himself , he is a most untiring man when he works for other people . I never saw such a fellow . If he always goes on in the same way , he must be , virtually , about two hundred years old , at present . The heat into which he has been continually putting himself ; and the distracted and impetuous manner in which he has been diving , day and night , among papers and books ; to say nothing of the immense number of letters he has written me between this house and Mr. Wickfield 's , and often across the table when he has been sitting opposite , and might much more easily have spoken ; is quite extraordinary . ' 'Letters ! ' cried my aunt . 'I believe he dreams in letters ! ' 'There 's Mr. Dick , too , ' said Traddles , 'has been doing wonders ! As soon as he was released from overlooking Uriah Heep , whom he kept in such charge as I never saw exceeded , he began to devote himself to Mr. Wickfield . And really his anxiety to be of use in the investigations we have been making , and his real usefulness in extracting , and copying , and fetching , and carrying , have been quite stimulating to us . ' 'Dick is a very remarkable man , ' exclaimed my aunt ; 'and I always said he was . Trot , you know it . ' 'I am happy to say , Miss Wickfield , ' pursued Traddles , at once with great delicacy and with great earnestness , 'that in your absence Mr. Wickfield has considerably improved . Relieved of the incubus that had fastened upon him for so long a time , and of the dreadful apprehensions under which he had lived , he is hardly the same person . At times , even his impaired power of concentrating his memory and attention on particular points of business , has recovered itself very much ; and he has been able to assist us in making some things clear , that we should have found very difficult indeed , if not hopeless , without him . But what I have to do is to come to results ; which are short enough ; not to gossip on all the hopeful circumstances I have observed , or I shall never have done . ' His natural manner and agreeable simplicity made it transparent that he said this to put us in good heart , and to enable Agnes to hear her father mentioned with greater confidence ; but it was not the less pleasant for that . 'Now , let me see , ' said Traddles , looking among the papers on the table . 'Having counted our funds , and reduced to order a great mass of unintentional confusion in the first place , and of wilful confusion and falsification in the second , we take it to be clear that Mr. Wickfield might now wind up his business , and his agency-trust , and exhibit no deficiency or defalcation whatever . ' 'Oh , thank Heaven ! ' cried Agnes , fervently . 'But , ' said Traddles , 'the surplus that would be left as his means of support -- and I suppose the house to be sold , even in saying this -- would be so small , not exceeding in all probability some hundreds of pounds , that perhaps , Miss Wickfield , it would be best to consider whether he might not retain his agency of the estate to which he has so long been receiver . His friends might advise him , you know ; now he is free . You yourself , Miss Wickfield -- Copperfield -- I -- ' 'I have considered it , Trotwood , ' said Agnes , looking to me , 'and I feel that it ought not to be , and must not be ; even on the recommendation of a friend to whom I am so grateful , and owe so much . ' 'I will not say that I recommend it , ' observed Traddles . 'I think it right to suggest it . No more . ' 'I am happy to hear you say so , ' answered Agnes , steadily , 'for it gives me hope , almost assurance , that we think alike . Dear Mr. Traddles and dear Trotwood , papa once free with honour , what could I wish for ! I have always aspired , if I could have released him from the toils in which he was held , to render back some little portion of the love and care I owe him , and to devote my life to him . It has been , for years , the utmost height of my hopes . To take our future on myself , will be the next great happiness -- the next to his release from all trust and responsibility -- that I can know . ' 'Have you thought how , Agnes ? ' 'Often ! I am not afraid , dear Trotwood . I am certain of success . So many people know me here , and think kindly of me , that I am certain . Don't mistrust me . Our wants are not many . If I rent the dear old house , and keep a school , I shall be useful and happy . ' The calm fervour of her cheerful voice brought back so vividly , first the dear old house itself , and then my solitary home , that my heart was too full for speech . Traddles pretended for a little while to be busily looking among the papers . 'Next , Miss Trotwood , ' said Traddles , 'that property of yours . ' 'Well , sir , ' sighed my aunt . 'All I have got to say about it is , that if it 's gone , I can bear it ; and if it 's not gone , I shall be glad to get it back . ' 'It was originally , I think , eight thousand pounds , Consols ? ' said Traddles . 'Right ! ' replied my aunt . 'I ca n't account for more than five , ' said Traddles , with an air of perplexity. ' -- thousand , do you mean ? ' inquired my aunt , with uncommon composure , 'or pounds ? ' 'Five thousand pounds , ' said Traddles . 'It was all there was , ' returned my aunt . 'I sold three , myself . One , I paid for your articles , Trot , my dear ; and the other two I have by me . When I lost the rest , I thought it wise to say nothing about that sum , but to keep it secretly for a rainy day . I wanted to see how you would come out of the trial , Trot ; and you came out nobly -- persevering , self-reliant , self-denying ! So did Dick . Do n't speak to me , for I find my nerves a little shaken ! ' Nobody would have thought so , to see her sitting upright , with her arms folded ; but she had wonderful self-command . 'Then I am delighted to say , ' cried Traddles , beaming with joy , 'that we have recovered the whole money ! ' 'Do n't congratulate me , anybody ! ' exclaimed my aunt . 'How so , sir ? ' 'You believed it had been misappropriated by Mr . Wickfield ? ' said Traddles . 'Of course I did , ' said my aunt , 'and was therefore easily silenced . Agnes , not a word ! ' 'And indeed , ' said Traddles , 'it was sold , by virtue of the power of management he held from you ; but I need n't say by whom sold , or on whose actual signature . It was afterwards pretended to Mr. Wickfield , by that rascal , -- and proved , too , by figures , -- that he had possessed himself of the money ( on general instructions , he said ) to keep other deficiencies and difficulties from the light . Mr. Wickfield , being so weak and helpless in his hands as to pay you , afterwards , several sums of interest on a pretended principal which he knew did not exist , made himself , unhappily , a party to the fraud . ' 'And at last took the blame upon himself , ' added my aunt ; 'and wrote me a mad letter , charging himself with robbery , and wrong unheard of . Upon which I paid him a visit early one morning , called for a candle , burnt the letter , and told him if he ever could right me and himself , to do it ; and if he could n't , to keep his own counsel for his daughter's sake. -- -If anybody speaks to me , I 'll leave the house ! ' We all remained quiet ; Agnes covering her face . 'Well , my dear friend , ' said my aunt , after a pause , 'and you have really extorted the money back from him ? ' 'Why , the fact is , ' returned Traddles , 'Mr . Micawber had so completely hemmed him in , and was always ready with so many new points if an old one failed , that he could not escape from us . A most remarkable circumstance is , that I really do n't think he grasped this sum even so much for the gratification of his avarice , which was inordinate , as in the hatred he felt for Copperfield . He said so to me , plainly . He said he would even have spent as much , to baulk or injure Copperfield . ' 'Ha ! ' said my aunt , knitting her brows thoughtfully , and glancing at Agnes . 'And what 's become of him ? ' 'I do n't know . He left here , ' said Traddles , 'with his mother , who had been clamouring , and beseeching , and disclosing , the whole time . They went away by one of the London night coaches , and I know no more about him ; except that his malevolence to me at parting was audacious . He seemed to consider himself hardly less indebted to me , than to Mr. Micawber ; which I consider ( as I told him ) quite a compliment . ' 'Do you suppose he has any money , Traddles ? ' I asked . 'Oh dear , yes , I should think so , ' he replied , shaking his head , seriously . 'I should say he must have pocketed a good deal , in one way or other . But , I think you would find , Copperfield , if you had an opportunity of observing his course , that money would never keep that man out of mischief . He is such an incarnate hypocrite , that whatever object he pursues , he must pursue crookedly . It 's his only compensation for the outward restraints he puts upon himself . Always creeping along the ground to some small end or other , he will always magnify every object in the way ; and consequently will hate and suspect everybody that comes , in the most innocent manner , between him and it . So the crooked courses will become crookeder , at any moment , for the least reason , or for none . It 's only necessary to consider his history here , ' said Traddles , 'to know that . ' 'He 's a monster of meanness ! ' said my aunt . 'Really I do n't know about that , ' observed Traddles thoughtfully . 'Many people can be very mean , when they give their minds to it . ' 'And now , touching Mr. Micawber , ' said my aunt . 'Well , really , ' said Traddles , cheerfully , 'I must , once more , give Mr. Micawber high praise . But for his having been so patient and persevering for so long a time , we never could have hoped to do anything worth speaking of . And I think we ought to consider that Mr. Micawber did right , for right 's sake , when we reflect what terms he might have made with Uriah Heep himself , for his silence . ' 'I think so too , ' said I . 'Now , what would you give him ? ' inquired my aunt . 'Oh ! Before you come to that , ' said Traddles , a little disconcerted , 'I am afraid I thought it discreet to omit ( not being able to carry everything before me ) two points , in making this lawless adjustment -- for it 's perfectly lawless from beginning to end -- of a difficult affair . Those I.O.U . 's , and so forth , which Mr. Micawber gave him for the advances he had -- ' 'Well ! They must be paid , ' said my aunt . 'Yes , but I do n't know when they may be proceeded on , or where they are , ' rejoined Traddles , opening his eyes ; 'and I anticipate , that , between this time and his departure , Mr. Micawber will be constantly arrested , or taken in execution . ' 'Then he must be constantly set free again , and taken out of execution , ' said my aunt . 'What 's the amount altogether ? ' 'Why , Mr. Micawber has entered the transactions -- he calls them transactions -- with great form , in a book , ' rejoined Traddles , smiling ; 'and he makes the amount a hundred and three pounds , five . ' 'Now , what shall we give him , that sum included ? ' said my aunt . 'Agnes , my dear , you and I can talk about division of it afterwards . What should it be ? Five hundred pounds ? ' Upon this , Traddles and I both struck in at once . We both recommended a small sum in money , and the payment , without stipulation to Mr. Micawber , of the Uriah claims as they came in . We proposed that the family should have their passage and their outfit , and a hundred pounds ; and that Mr. Micawber 's arrangement for the repayment of the advances should be gravely entered into , as it might be wholesome for him to suppose himself under that responsibility . To this , I added the suggestion , that I should give some explanation of his character and history to Mr. Peggotty , who I knew could be relied on ; and that to Mr. Peggotty should be quietly entrusted the discretion of advancing another hundred . I further proposed to interest Mr. Micawber in Mr. Peggotty , by confiding so much of Mr. Peggotty 's story to him as I might feel justified in relating , or might think expedient ; and to endeavour to bring each of them to bear upon the other , for the common advantage . We all entered warmly into these views ; and I may mention at once , that the principals themselves did so , shortly afterwards , with perfect good will and harmony . Seeing that Traddles now glanced anxiously at my aunt again , I reminded him of the second and last point to which he had adverted . 'You and your aunt will excuse me , Copperfield , if I touch upon a painful theme , as I greatly fear I shall , ' said Traddles , hesitating ; 'but I think it necessary to bring it to your recollection . On the day of Mr. Micawber 's memorable denunciation a threatening allusion was made by Uriah Heep to your aunt 's -- husband . ' My aunt , retaining her stiff position , and apparent composure , assented with a nod . 'Perhaps , ' observed Traddles , 'it was mere purposeless impertinence ? ' 'No , ' returned my aunt . 'There was -- pardon me -- really such a person , and at all in his power ? ' hinted Traddles . 'Yes , my good friend , ' said my aunt . Traddles , with a perceptible lengthening of his face , explained that he had not been able to approach this subject ; that it had shared the fate of Mr. Micawber 's liabilities , in not being comprehended in the terms he had made ; that we were no longer of any authority with Uriah Heep ; and that if he could do us , or any of us , any injury or annoyance , no doubt he would . My aunt remained quiet ; until again some stray tears found their way to her cheeks . 'You are quite right , ' she said . 'It was very thoughtful to mention it . ' 'Can I -- or Copperfield -- do anything ? ' asked Traddles , gently . 'Nothing , ' said my aunt . 'I thank you many times . Trot , my dear , a vain threat ! Let us have Mr. and Mrs. Micawber back . And do n't any of you speak to me ! ' With that she smoothed her dress , and sat , with her upright carriage , looking at the door . 'Well , Mr. and Mrs . Micawber ! ' said my aunt , when they entered . 'We have been discussing your emigration , with many apologies to you for keeping you out of the room so long ; and I 'll tell you what arrangements we propose . ' These she explained to the unbounded satisfaction of the family , -- children and all being then present , -- and so much to the awakening of Mr. Micawber 's punctual habits in the opening stage of all bill transactions , that he could not be dissuaded from immediately rushing out , in the highest spirits , to buy the stamps for his notes of hand . But , his joy received a sudden check ; for within five minutes , he returned in the custody of a sheriff 's officer , informing us , in a flood of tears , that all was lost . We , being quite prepared for this event , which was of course a proceeding of Uriah Heep 's , soon paid the money ; and in five minutes more Mr. Micawber was seated at the table , filling up the stamps with an expression of perfect joy , which only that congenial employment , or the making of punch , could impart in full completeness to his shining face . To see him at work on the stamps , with the relish of an artist , touching them like pictures , looking at them sideways , taking weighty notes of dates and amounts in his pocket-book , and contemplating them when finished , with a high sense of their precious value , was a sight indeed . 'Now , the best thing you can do , sir , if you 'll allow me to advise you , ' said my aunt , after silently observing him , 'is to abjure that occupation for evermore . ' 'Madam , ' replied Mr. Micawber , 'it is my intention to register such a vow on the virgin page of the future . Mrs. Micawber will attest it . I trust , ' said Mr. Micawber , solemnly , 'that my son Wilkins will ever bear in mind , that he had infinitely better put his fist in the fire , than use it to handle the serpents that have poisoned the life-blood of his unhappy parent ! ' Deeply affected , and changed in a moment to the image of despair , Mr. Micawber regarded the serpents with a look of gloomy abhorrence ( in which his late admiration of them was not quite subdued ) , folded them up and put them in his pocket . This closed the proceedings of the evening . We were weary with sorrow and fatigue , and my aunt and I were to return to London on the morrow . It was arranged that the Micawbers should follow us , after effecting a sale of their goods to a broker ; that Mr. Wickfield 's affairs should be brought to a settlement , with all convenient speed , under the direction of Traddles ; and that Agnes should also come to London , pending those arrangements . We passed the night at the old house , which , freed from the presence of the Heeps , seemed purged of a disease ; and I lay in my old room , like a shipwrecked wanderer come home . We went back next day to my aunt 's house -- not to mine -- and when she and I sat alone , as of old , before going to bed , she said : 'Trot , do you really wish to know what I have had upon my mind lately ? ' 'Indeed I do , aunt . If there ever was a time when I felt unwilling that you should have a sorrow or anxiety which I could not share , it is now . ' 'You have had sorrow enough , child , ' said my aunt , affectionately , 'without the addition of my little miseries . I could have no other motive , Trot , in keeping anything from you . ' 'I know that well , ' said I . 'But tell me now . ' 'Would you ride with me a little way tomorrow morning ? ' asked my aunt . 'Of course . ' 'At nine , ' said she . 'I 'll tell you then , my dear . ' At nine , accordingly , we went out in a little chariot , and drove to London . We drove a long way through the streets , until we came to one of the large hospitals . Standing hard by the building was a plain hearse . The driver recognized my aunt , and , in obedience to a motion of her hand at the window , drove slowly off ; we following . 'You understand it now , Trot , ' said my aunt . 'He is gone ! ' 'Did he die in the hospital ? ' 'Yes . ' She sat immovable beside me ; but , again I saw the stray tears on her face . 'He was there once before , ' said my aunt presently . 'He was ailing a long time -- a shattered , broken man , these many years . When he knew his state in this last illness , he asked them to send for me . He was sorry then . Very sorry . ' 'You went , I know , aunt . ' 'I went . I was with him a good deal afterwards . ' 'He died the night before we went to Canterbury ? ' said I . My aunt nodded . 'No one can harm him now , ' she said . 'It was a vain threat . ' We drove away , out of town , to the churchyard at Hornsey . 'Better here than in the streets , ' said my aunt . 'He was born here . ' We alighted ; and followed the plain coffin to a corner I remember well , where the service was read consigning it to the dust . 'Six-and-thirty years ago , this day , my dear , ' said my aunt , as we walked back to the chariot , 'I was married . God forgive us all ! ' We took our seats in silence ; and so she sat beside me for a long time , holding my hand . At length she suddenly burst into tears , and said : 'He was a fine-looking man when I married him , Trot -- and he was sadly changed ! ' It did not last long . After the relief of tears , she soon became composed , and even cheerful . Her nerves were a little shaken , she said , or she would not have given way to it . God forgive us all ! So we rode back to her little cottage at Highgate , where we found the following short note , which had arrived by that morning 's post from Mr. Micawber : 'Canterbury , 'Friday . 'My dear Madam , and Copperfield , 'The fair land of promise lately looming on the horizon is again enveloped in impenetrable mists , and for ever withdrawn from the eyes of a drifting wretch whose Doom is sealed ! 'Another writ has been issued ( in His Majesty 's High Court of King's Bench at Westminster ) , in another cause of HEEP V. MICAWBER , and the defendant in that cause is the prey of the sheriff having legal jurisdiction in this bailiwick . 'Now 's the day , and now 's the hour , See the front of battle lower , See approach proud EDWARD 'S power -- Chains and slavery ! 'Consigned to which , and to a speedy end ( for mental torture is not supportable beyond a certain point , and that point I feel I have attained ) , my course is run . Bless you , bless you ! Some future traveller , visiting , from motives of curiosity , not unmingled , let us hope , with sympathy , the place of confinement allotted to debtors in this city , may , and I trust will , Ponder , as he traces on its wall , inscribed with a rusty nail , 'The obscure initials , 'W . M. 'P.S . I re-open this to say that our common friend , Mr. Thomas Traddles ( who has not yet left us , and is looking extremely well ) , has paid the debt and costs , in the noble name of Miss Trotwood ; and that myself and family are at the height of earthly bliss . ' CHAPTER 55 . TEMPEST I now approach an event in my life , so indelible , so awful , so bound by an infinite variety of ties to all that has preceded it , in these pages , that , from the beginning of my narrative , I have seen it growing larger and larger as I advanced , like a great tower in a plain , and throwing its fore-cast shadow even on the incidents of my childish days . For years after it occurred , I dreamed of it often . I have started up so vividly impressed by it , that its fury has yet seemed raging in my quiet room , in the still night . I dream of it sometimes , though at lengthened and uncertain intervals , to this hour . I have an association between it and a stormy wind , or the lightest mention of a sea-shore , as strong as any of which my mind is conscious . As plainly as I behold what happened , I will try to write it down . I do not recall it , but see it done ; for it happens again before me . The time drawing on rapidly for the sailing of the emigrant-ship , my good old nurse ( almost broken-hearted for me , when we first met ) came up to London . I was constantly with her , and her brother , and the Micawbers ( they being very much together ) ; but Emily I never saw . One evening when the time was close at hand , I was alone with Peggotty and her brother . Our conversation turned on Ham . She described to us how tenderly he had taken leave of her , and how manfully and quietly he had borne himself . Most of all , of late , when she believed he was most tried . It was a subject of which the affectionate creature never tired ; and our interest in hearing the many examples which she , who was so much with him , had to relate , was equal to hers in relating them . My aunt and I were at that time vacating the two cottages at Highgate ; I intending to go abroad , and she to return to her house at Dover . We had a temporary lodging in Covent Garden . As I walked home to it , after this evening 's conversation , reflecting on what had passed between Ham and myself when I was last at Yarmouth , I wavered in the original purpose I had formed , of leaving a letter for Emily when I should take leave of her uncle on board the ship , and thought it would be better to write to her now . She might desire , I thought , after receiving my communication , to send some parting word by me to her unhappy lover . I ought to give her the opportunity . I therefore sat down in my room , before going to bed , and wrote to her . I told her that I had seen him , and that he had requested me to tell her what I have already written in its place in these sheets . I faithfully repeated it . I had no need to enlarge upon it , if I had had the right . Its deep fidelity and goodness were not to be adorned by me or any man . I left it out , to be sent round in the morning ; with a line to Mr. Peggotty , requesting him to give it to her ; and went to bed at daybreak . I was weaker than I knew then ; and , not falling asleep until the sun was up , lay late , and unrefreshed , next day . I was roused by the silent presence of my aunt at my bedside . I felt it in my sleep , as I suppose we all do feel such things . 'Trot , my dear , ' she said , when I opened my eyes , 'I could n't make up my mind to disturb you . Mr. Peggotty is here ; shall he come up ? ' I replied yes , and he soon appeared . 'Mas'r Davy , ' he said , when we had shaken hands , 'I giv Em'ly your letter , sir , and she writ this heer ; and begged of me fur to ask you to read it , and if you see no hurt i n't , to be so kind as take charge o n't . ' 'Have you read it ? ' said I . He nodded sorrowfully . I opened it , and read as follows : 'I have got your message . Oh , what can I write , to thank you for your good and blessed kindness to me ! 'I have put the words close to my heart . I shall keep them till I die . They are sharp thorns , but they are such comfort . I have prayed over them , oh , I have prayed so much . When I find what you are , and what uncle is , I think what God must be , and can cry to him . 'Good-bye for ever . Now , my dear , my friend , good-bye for ever in this world . In another world , if I am forgiven , I may wake a child and come to you . All thanks and blessings . Farewell , evermore . ' This , blotted with tears , was the letter . 'May I tell her as you doe n't see no hurt i n't , and as you 'll be so kind as take charge o n't , Mas'r Davy ? ' said Mr. Peggotty , when I had read it . 'Unquestionably , ' said I -- 'but I am thinking -- ' 'Yes , Mas'r Davy ? ' 'I am thinking , ' said I , 'that I 'll go down again to Yarmouth . There's time , and to spare , for me to go and come back before the ship sails . My mind is constantly running on him , in his solitude ; to put this letter of her writing in his hand at this time , and to enable you to tell her , in the moment of parting , that he has got it , will be a kindness to both of them . I solemnly accepted his commission , dear good fellow , and can not discharge it too completely . The journey is nothing to me . I am restless , and shall be better in motion . I 'll go down tonight . ' Though he anxiously endeavoured to dissuade me , I saw that he was of my mind ; and this , if I had required to be confirmed in my intention , would have had the effect . He went round to the coach office , at my request , and took the box-seat for me on the mail . In the evening I started , by that conveyance , down the road I had traversed under so many vicissitudes . 'Do n't you think that , ' I asked the coachman , in the first stage out of London , 'a very remarkable sky ? I do n't remember to have seen one like it . ' 'Nor I -- not equal to it , ' he replied . 'That 's wind , sir . There 'll be mischief done at sea , I expect , before long . ' It was a murky confusion -- here and there blotted with a colour like the colour of the smoke from damp fuel -- of flying clouds , tossed up into most remarkable heaps , suggesting greater heights in the clouds than there were depths below them to the bottom of the deepest hollows in the earth , through which the wild moon seemed to plunge headlong , as if , in a dread disturbance of the laws of nature , she had lost her way and were frightened . There had been a wind all day ; and it was rising then , with an extraordinary great sound . In another hour it had much increased , and the sky was more overcast , and blew hard . But , as the night advanced , the clouds closing in and densely over-spreading the whole sky , then very dark , it came on to blow , harder and harder . It still increased , until our horses could scarcely face the wind . Many times , in the dark part of the night ( it was then late in September , when the nights were not short ) , the leaders turned about , or came to a dead stop ; and we were often in serious apprehension that the coach would be blown over . Sweeping gusts of rain came up before this storm , like showers of steel ; and , at those times , when there was any shelter of trees or lee walls to be got , we were fain to stop , in a sheer impossibility of continuing the struggle . When the day broke , it blew harder and harder . I had been in Yarmouth when the seamen said it blew great guns , but I had never known the like of this , or anything approaching to it . We came to Ipswich -- very late , having had to fight every inch of ground since we were ten miles out of London ; and found a cluster of people in the market-place , who had risen from their beds in the night , fearful of falling chimneys . Some of these , congregating about the inn-yard while we changed horses , told us of great sheets of lead having been ripped off a high church-tower , and flung into a by-street , which they then blocked up . Others had to tell of country people , coming in from neighbouring villages , who had seen great trees lying torn out of the earth , and whole ricks scattered about the roads and fields . Still , there was no abatement in the storm , but it blew harder . As we struggled on , nearer and nearer to the sea , from which this mighty wind was blowing dead on shore , its force became more and more terrific . Long before we saw the sea , its spray was on our lips , and showered salt rain upon us . The water was out , over miles and miles of the flat country adjacent to Yarmouth ; and every sheet and puddle lashed its banks , and had its stress of little breakers setting heavily towards us . When we came within sight of the sea , the waves on the horizon , caught at intervals above the rolling abyss , were like glimpses of another shore with towers and buildings . When at last we got into the town , the people came out to their doors , all aslant , and with streaming hair , making a wonder of the mail that had come through such a night . I put up at the old inn , and went down to look at the sea ; staggering along the street , which was strewn with sand and seaweed , and with flying blotches of sea-foam ; afraid of falling slates and tiles ; and holding by people I met , at angry corners . Coming near the beach , I saw , not only the boatmen , but half the people of the town , lurking behind buildings ; some , now and then braving the fury of the storm to look away to sea , and blown sheer out of their course in trying to get zigzag back . Joining these groups , I found bewailing women whose husbands were away in herring or oyster boats , which there was too much reason to think might have foundered before they could run in anywhere for safety . Grizzled old sailors were among the people , shaking their heads , as they looked from water to sky , and muttering to one another ; ship-owners , excited and uneasy ; children , huddling together , and peering into older faces ; even stout mariners , disturbed and anxious , levelling their glasses at the sea from behind places of shelter , as if they were surveying an enemy . The tremendous sea itself , when I could find sufficient pause to look at it , in the agitation of the blinding wind , the flying stones and sand , and the awful noise , confounded me . As the high watery walls came rolling in , and , at their highest , tumbled into surf , they looked as if the least would engulf the town . As the receding wave swept back with a hoarse roar , it seemed to scoop out deep caves in the beach , as if its purpose were to undermine the earth . When some white-headed billows thundered on , and dashed themselves to pieces before they reached the land , every fragment of the late whole seemed possessed by the full might of its wrath , rushing to be gathered to the composition of another monster . Undulating hills were changed to valleys , undulating valleys ( with a solitary storm-bird sometimes skimming through them ) were lifted up to hills ; masses of water shivered and shook the beach with a booming sound ; every shape tumultuously rolled on , as soon as made , to change its shape and place , and beat another shape and place away ; the ideal shore on the horizon , with its towers and buildings , rose and fell ; the clouds fell fast and thick ; I seemed to see a rending and upheaving of all nature . Not finding Ham among the people whom this memorable wind -- for it is still remembered down there , as the greatest ever known to blow upon that coast -- had brought together , I made my way to his house . It was shut ; and as no one answered to my knocking , I went , by back ways and by-lanes , to the yard where he worked . I learned , there , that he had gone to Lowestoft , to meet some sudden exigency of ship-repairing in which his skill was required ; but that he would be back tomorrow morning , in good time . I went back to the inn ; and when I had washed and dressed , and tried to sleep , but in vain , it was five o'clock in the afternoon . I had not sat five minutes by the coffee-room fire , when the waiter , coming to stir it , as an excuse for talking , told me that two colliers had gone down , with all hands , a few miles away ; and that some other ships had been seen labouring hard in the Roads , and trying , in great distress , to keep off shore . Mercy on them , and on all poor sailors , said he , if we had another night like the last ! I was very much depressed in spirits ; very solitary ; and felt an uneasiness in Ham 's not being there , disproportionate to the occasion . I was seriously affected , without knowing how much , by late events ; and my long exposure to the fierce wind had confused me . There was that jumble in my thoughts and recollections , that I had lost the clear arrangement of time and distance . Thus , if I had gone out into the town , I should not have been surprised , I think , to encounter someone who I knew must be then in London . So to speak , there was in these respects a curious inattention in my mind . Yet it was busy , too , with all the remembrances the place naturally awakened ; and they were particularly distinct and vivid . In this state , the waiter 's dismal intelligence about the ships immediately connected itself , without any effort of my volition , with my uneasiness about Ham . I was persuaded that I had an apprehension of his returning from Lowestoft by sea , and being lost . This grew so strong with me , that I resolved to go back to the yard before I took my dinner , and ask the boat-builder if he thought his attempting to return by sea at all likely ? If he gave me the least reason to think so , I would go over to Lowestoft and prevent it by bringing him with me . I hastily ordered my dinner , and went back to the yard . I was none too soon ; for the boat-builder , with a lantern in his hand , was locking the yard-gate . He quite laughed when I asked him the question , and said there was no fear ; no man in his senses , or out of them , would put off in such a gale of wind , least of all Ham Peggotty , who had been born to seafaring . So sensible of this , beforehand , that I had really felt ashamed of doing what I was nevertheless impelled to do , I went back to the inn . If such a wind could rise , I think it was rising . The howl and roar , the rattling of the doors and windows , the rumbling in the chimneys , the apparent rocking of the very house that sheltered me , and the prodigious tumult of the sea , were more fearful than in the morning . But there was now a great darkness besides ; and that invested the storm with new terrors , real and fanciful . I could not eat , I could not sit still , I could not continue steadfast to anything . Something within me , faintly answering to the storm without , tossed up the depths of my memory and made a tumult in them . Yet , in all the hurry of my thoughts , wild running with the thundering sea , -- the storm , and my uneasiness regarding Ham were always in the fore-ground . My dinner went away almost untasted , and I tried to refresh myself with a glass or two of wine . In vain . I fell into a dull slumber before the fire , without losing my consciousness , either of the uproar out of doors , or of the place in which I was . Both became overshadowed by a new and indefinable horror ; and when I awoke -- or rather when I shook off the lethargy that bound me in my chair -- my whole frame thrilled with objectless and unintelligible fear . I walked to and fro , tried to read an old gazetteer , listened to the awful noises : looked at faces , scenes , and figures in the fire . At length , the steady ticking of the undisturbed clock on the wall tormented me to that degree that I resolved to go to bed . It was reassuring , on such a night , to be told that some of the inn-servants had agreed together to sit up until morning . I went to bed , exceedingly weary and heavy ; but , on my lying down , all such sensations vanished , as if by magic , and I was broad awake , with every sense refined . For hours I lay there , listening to the wind and water ; imagining , now , that I heard shrieks out at sea ; now , that I distinctly heard the firing of signal guns ; and now , the fall of houses in the town . I got up , several times , and looked out ; but could see nothing , except the reflection in the window-panes of the faint candle I had left burning , and of my own haggard face looking in at me from the black void . At length , my restlessness attained to such a pitch , that I hurried on my clothes , and went downstairs . In the large kitchen , where I dimly saw bacon and ropes of onions hanging from the beams , the watchers were clustered together , in various attitudes , about a table , purposely moved away from the great chimney , and brought near the door . A pretty girl , who had her ears stopped with her apron , and her eyes upon the door , screamed when I appeared , supposing me to be a spirit ; but the others had more presence of mind , and were glad of an addition to their company . One man , referring to the topic they had been discussing , asked me whether I thought the souls of the collier-crews who had gone down , were out in the storm ? I remained there , I dare say , two hours . Once , I opened the yard-gate , and looked into the empty street . The sand , the sea-weed , and the flakes of foam , were driving by ; and I was obliged to call for assistance before I could shut the gate again , and make it fast against the wind . There was a dark gloom in my solitary chamber , when I at length returned to it ; but I was tired now , and , getting into bed again , fell -- off a tower and down a precipice -- into the depths of sleep . I have an impression that for a long time , though I dreamed of being elsewhere and in a variety of scenes , it was always blowing in my dream . At length , I lost that feeble hold upon reality , and was engaged with two dear friends , but who they were I do n't know , at the siege of some town in a roar of cannonading . The thunder of the cannon was so loud and incessant , that I could not hear something I much desired to hear , until I made a great exertion and awoke . It was broad day -- eight or nine o'clock ; the storm raging , in lieu of the batteries ; and someone knocking and calling at my door . 'What is the matter ? ' I cried . 'A wreck ! Close by ! ' I sprung out of bed , and asked , what wreck ? 'A schooner , from Spain or Portugal , laden with fruit and wine . Make haste , sir , if you want to see her ! It 's thought , down on the beach , she 'll go to pieces every moment . ' The excited voice went clamouring along the staircase ; and I wrapped myself in my clothes as quickly as I could , and ran into the street . Numbers of people were there before me , all running in one direction , to the beach . I ran the same way , outstripping a good many , and soon came facing the wild sea . The wind might by this time have lulled a little , though not more sensibly than if the cannonading I had dreamed of , had been diminished by the silencing of half-a-dozen guns out of hundreds . But the sea , having upon it the additional agitation of the whole night , was infinitely more terrific than when I had seen it last . Every appearance it had then presented , bore the expression of being swelled ; and the height to which the breakers rose , and , looking over one another , bore one another down , and rolled in , in interminable hosts , was most appalling . In the difficulty of hearing anything but wind and waves , and in the crowd , and the unspeakable confusion , and my first breathless efforts to stand against the weather , I was so confused that I looked out to sea for the wreck , and saw nothing but the foaming heads of the great waves . A half-dressed boatman , standing next me , pointed with his bare arm ( a tattoo 'd arrow on it , pointing in the same direction ) to the left . Then , O great Heaven , I saw it , close in upon us ! One mast was broken short off , six or eight feet from the deck , and lay over the side , entangled in a maze of sail and rigging ; and all that ruin , as the ship rolled and beat -- which she did without a moment's pause , and with a violence quite inconceivable -- beat the side as if it would stave it in . Some efforts were even then being made , to cut this portion of the wreck away ; for , as the ship , which was broadside on , turned towards us in her rolling , I plainly descried her people at work with axes , especially one active figure with long curling hair , conspicuous among the rest . But a great cry , which was audible even above the wind and water , rose from the shore at this moment ; the sea , sweeping over the rolling wreck , made a clean breach , and carried men , spars , casks , planks , bulwarks , heaps of such toys , into the boiling surge . The second mast was yet standing , with the rags of a rent sail , and a wild confusion of broken cordage flapping to and fro . The ship had struck once , the same boatman hoarsely said in my ear , and then lifted in and struck again . I understood him to add that she was parting amidships , and I could readily suppose so , for the rolling and beating were too tremendous for any human work to suffer long . As he spoke , there was another great cry of pity from the beach ; four men arose with the wreck out of the deep , clinging to the rigging of the remaining mast ; uppermost , the active figure with the curling hair . There was a bell on board ; and as the ship rolled and dashed , like a desperate creature driven mad , now showing us the whole sweep of her deck , as she turned on her beam-ends towards the shore , now nothing but her keel , as she sprung wildly over and turned towards the sea , the bell rang ; and its sound , the knell of those unhappy men , was borne towards us on the wind . Again we lost her , and again she rose . Two men were gone . The agony on the shore increased . Men groaned , and clasped their hands ; women shrieked , and turned away their faces . Some ran wildly up and down along the beach , crying for help where no help could be . I found myself one of these , frantically imploring a knot of sailors whom I knew , not to let those two lost creatures perish before our eyes . They were making out to me , in an agitated way -- I do n't know how , for the little I could hear I was scarcely composed enough to understand -- that the lifeboat had been bravely manned an hour ago , and could do nothing ; and that as no man would be so desperate as to attempt to wade off with a rope , and establish a communication with the shore , there was nothing left to try ; when I noticed that some new sensation moved the people on the beach , and saw them part , and Ham come breaking through them to the front . I ran to him -- as well as I know , to repeat my appeal for help . But , distracted though I was , by a sight so new to me and terrible , the determination in his face , and his look out to sea -- exactly the same look as I remembered in connexion with the morning after Emily's flight -- awoke me to a knowledge of his danger . I held him back with both arms ; and implored the men with whom I had been speaking , not to listen to him , not to do murder , not to let him stir from off that sand ! Another cry arose on shore ; and looking to the wreck , we saw the cruel sail , with blow on blow , beat off the lower of the two men , and fly up in triumph round the active figure left alone upon the mast . Against such a sight , and against such determination as that of the calmly desperate man who was already accustomed to lead half the people present , I might as hopefully have entreated the wind . 'Mas'r Davy , ' he said , cheerily grasping me by both hands , 'if my time is come , 't is come . If 'ta n't , I 'll bide it . Lord above bless you , and bless all ! Mates , make me ready ! I 'm a-going off ! ' I was swept away , but not unkindly , to some distance , where the people around me made me stay ; urging , as I confusedly perceived , that he was bent on going , with help or without , and that I should endanger the precautions for his safety by troubling those with whom they rested . I do n't know what I answered , or what they rejoined ; but I saw hurry on the beach , and men running with ropes from a capstan that was there , and penetrating into a circle of figures that hid him from me . Then , I saw him standing alone , in a seaman 's frock and trousers : a rope in his hand , or slung to his wrist : another round his body : and several of the best men holding , at a little distance , to the latter , which he laid out himself , slack upon the shore , at his feet . The wreck , even to my unpractised eye , was breaking up . I saw that she was parting in the middle , and that the life of the solitary man upon the mast hung by a thread . Still , he clung to it . He had a singular red cap on , -- not like a sailor 's cap , but of a finer colour ; and as the few yielding planks between him and destruction rolled and bulged , and his anticipative death-knell rung , he was seen by all of us to wave it . I saw him do it now , and thought I was going distracted , when his action brought an old remembrance to my mind of a once dear friend . Ham watched the sea , standing alone , with the silence of suspended breath behind him , and the storm before , until there was a great retiring wave , when , with a backward glance at those who held the rope which was made fast round his body , he dashed in after it , and in a moment was buffeting with the water ; rising with the hills , falling with the valleys , lost beneath the foam ; then drawn again to land . They hauled in hastily . He was hurt . I saw blood on his face , from where I stood ; but he took no thought of that . He seemed hurriedly to give them some directions for leaving him more free -- or so I judged from the motion of his arm -- and was gone as before . And now he made for the wreck , rising with the hills , falling with the valleys , lost beneath the rugged foam , borne in towards the shore , borne on towards the ship , striving hard and valiantly . The distance was nothing , but the power of the sea and wind made the strife deadly . At length he neared the wreck . He was so near , that with one more of his vigorous strokes he would be clinging to it , -- when a high , green , vast hill-side of water , moving on shoreward , from beyond the ship , he seemed to leap up into it with a mighty bound , and the ship was gone ! Some eddying fragments I saw in the sea , as if a mere cask had been broken , in running to the spot where they were hauling in . Consternation was in every face . They drew him to my very feet -- insensible -- dead . He was carried to the nearest house ; and , no one preventing me now , I remained near him , busy , while every means of restoration were tried ; but he had been beaten to death by the great wave , and his generous heart was stilled for ever . As I sat beside the bed , when hope was abandoned and all was done , a fisherman , who had known me when Emily and I were children , and ever since , whispered my name at the door . 'Sir , ' said he , with tears starting to his weather-beaten face , which , with his trembling lips , was ashy pale , 'will you come over yonder ? ' The old remembrance that had been recalled to me , was in his look . I asked him , terror-stricken , leaning on the arm he held out to support me : 'Has a body come ashore ? ' He said , 'Yes . ' 'Do I know it ? ' I asked then . He answered nothing . But he led me to the shore . And on that part of it where she and I had looked for shells , two children -- on that part of it where some lighter fragments of the old boat , blown down last night , had been scattered by the wind -- among the ruins of the home he had wronged -- I saw him lying with his head upon his arm , as I had often seen him lie at school . CHAPTER 56 . THE NEW WOUND , AND THE OLD No need , O Steerforth , to have said , when we last spoke together , in that hour which I so little deemed to be our parting-hour -- no need to have said , 'Think of me at my best ! ' I had done that ever ; and could I change now , looking on this sight ! They brought a hand-bier , and laid him on it , and covered him with a flag , and took him up and bore him on towards the houses . All the men who carried him had known him , and gone sailing with him , and seen him merry and bold . They carried him through the wild roar , a hush in the midst of all the tumult ; and took him to the cottage where Death was already . But when they set the bier down on the threshold , they looked at one another , and at me , and whispered . I knew why . They felt as if it were not right to lay him down in the same quiet room . We went into the town , and took our burden to the inn . So soon as I could at all collect my thoughts , I sent for Joram , and begged him to provide me a conveyance in which it could be got to London in the night . I knew that the care of it , and the hard duty of preparing his mother to receive it , could only rest with me ; and I was anxious to discharge that duty as faithfully as I could . I chose the night for the journey , that there might be less curiosity when I left the town . But , although it was nearly midnight when I came out of the yard in a chaise , followed by what I had in charge , there were many people waiting . At intervals , along the town , and even a little way out upon the road , I saw more : but at length only the bleak night and the open country were around me , and the ashes of my youthful friendship . Upon a mellow autumn day , about noon , when the ground was perfumed by fallen leaves , and many more , in beautiful tints of yellow , red , and brown , yet hung upon the trees , through which the sun was shining , I arrived at Highgate . I walked the last mile , thinking as I went along of what I had to do ; and left the carriage that had followed me all through the night , awaiting orders to advance . The house , when I came up to it , looked just the same . Not a blind was raised ; no sign of life was in the dull paved court , with its covered way leading to the disused door . The wind had quite gone down , and nothing moved . I had not , at first , the courage to ring at the gate ; and when I did ring , my errand seemed to me to be expressed in the very sound of the bell . The little parlour-maid came out , with the key in her hand ; and looking earnestly at me as she unlocked the gate , said : 'I beg your pardon , sir . Are you ill ? ' 'I have been much agitated , and am fatigued . ' 'Is anything the matter , sir ? -- -Mr . James ? -- ' 'Hush ! ' said I . 'Yes , something has happened , that I have to break to Mrs. Steerforth . She is at home ? ' The girl anxiously replied that her mistress was very seldom out now , even in a carriage ; that she kept her room ; that she saw no company , but would see me . Her mistress was up , she said , and Miss Dartle was with her . What message should she take upstairs ? Giving her a strict charge to be careful of her manner , and only to carry in my card and say I waited , I sat down in the drawing-room ( which we had now reached ) until she should come back . Its former pleasant air of occupation was gone , and the shutters were half closed . The harp had not been used for many and many a day . His picture , as a boy , was there . The cabinet in which his mother had kept his letters was there . I wondered if she ever read them now ; if she would ever read them more ! The house was so still that I heard the girl 's light step upstairs . On her return , she brought a message , to the effect that Mrs. Steerforth was an invalid and could not come down ; but that if I would excuse her being in her chamber , she would be glad to see me . In a few moments I stood before her . She was in his room ; not in her own . I felt , of course , that she had taken to occupy it , in remembrance of him ; and that the many tokens of his old sports and accomplishments , by which she was surrounded , remained there , just as he had left them , for the same reason . She murmured , however , even in her reception of me , that she was out of her own chamber because its aspect was unsuited to her infirmity ; and with her stately look repelled the least suspicion of the truth . At her chair , as usual , was Rosa Dartle . From the first moment of her dark eyes resting on me , I saw she knew I was the bearer of evil tidings . The scar sprung into view that instant . She withdrew herself a step behind the chair , to keep her own face out of Mrs. Steerforth's observation ; and scrutinized me with a piercing gaze that never faltered , never shrunk . 'I am sorry to observe you are in mourning , sir , ' said Mrs. Steerforth . 'I am unhappily a widower , ' said I . 'You are very young to know so great a loss , ' she returned . 'I am grieved to hear it . I am grieved to hear it . I hope Time will be good to you . ' 'I hope Time , ' said I , looking at her , 'will be good to all of us . Dear Mrs. Steerforth , we must all trust to that , in our heaviest misfortunes . ' The earnestness of my manner , and the tears in my eyes , alarmed her . The whole course of her thoughts appeared to stop , and change . I tried to command my voice in gently saying his name , but it trembled . She repeated it to herself , two or three times , in a low tone . Then , addressing me , she said , with enforced calmness : 'My son is ill.' 'Very ill.' 'You have seen him ? ' 'I have . ' 'Are you reconciled ? ' I could not say Yes , I could not say No . She slightly turned her head towards the spot where Rosa Dartle had been standing at her elbow , and in that moment I said , by the motion of my lips , to Rosa , 'Dead ! ' That Mrs. Steerforth might not be induced to look behind her , and read , plainly written , what she was not yet prepared to know , I met her look quickly ; but I had seen Rosa Dartle throw her hands up in the air with vehemence of despair and horror , and then clasp them on her face . The handsome lady -- so like , oh so like ! -- regarded me with a fixed look , and put her hand to her forehead . I besought her to be calm , and prepare herself to bear what I had to tell ; but I should rather have entreated her to weep , for she sat like a stone figure . 'When I was last here , ' I faltered , 'Miss Dartle told me he was sailing here and there . The night before last was a dreadful one at sea . If he were at sea that night , and near a dangerous coast , as it is said he was ; and if the vessel that was seen should really be the ship which -- ' 'Rosa ! ' said Mrs. Steerforth , 'come to me ! ' She came , but with no sympathy or gentleness . Her eyes gleamed like fire as she confronted his mother , and broke into a frightful laugh . 'Now , ' she said , 'is your pride appeased , you madwoman ? Now has he made atonement to you -- with his life ! Do you hear ? -- -His life ! ' Mrs. Steerforth , fallen back stiffly in her chair , and making no sound but a moan , cast her eyes upon her with a wide stare . 'Aye ! ' cried Rosa , smiting herself passionately on the breast , 'look at me ! Moan , and groan , and look at me ! Look here ! ' striking the scar , 'at your dead child 's handiwork ! ' The moan the mother uttered , from time to time , went to My heart . Always the same . Always inarticulate and stifled . Always accompanied with an incapable motion of the head , but with no change of face . Always proceeding from a rigid mouth and closed teeth , as if the jaw were locked and the face frozen up in pain . 'Do you remember when he did this ? ' she proceeded . 'Do you remember when , in his inheritance of your nature , and in your pampering of his pride and passion , he did this , and disfigured me for life ? Look at me , marked until I die with his high displeasure ; and moan and groan for what you made him ! ' 'Miss Dartle , ' I entreated her . 'For Heaven 's sake -- ' 'I WILL speak ! ' she said , turning on me with her lightning eyes . 'Be silent , you ! Look at me , I say , proud mother of a proud , false son ! Moan for your nurture of him , moan for your corruption of him , moan for your loss of him , moan for mine ! ' She clenched her hand , and trembled through her spare , worn figure , as if her passion were killing her by inches . 'You , resent his self-will ! ' she exclaimed . 'You , injured by his haughty temper ! You , who opposed to both , when your hair was grey , the qualities which made both when you gave him birth ! YOU , who from his cradle reared him to be what he was , and stunted what he should have been ! Are you rewarded , now , for your years of trouble ? ' 'Oh , Miss Dartle , shame ! Oh cruel ! ' 'I tell you , ' she returned , 'I WILL speak to her . No power on earth should stop me , while I was standing here ! Have I been silent all these years , and shall I not speak now ? I loved him better than you ever loved him ! ' turning on her fiercely . 'I could have loved him , and asked no return . If I had been his wife , I could have been the slave of his caprices for a word of love a year . I should have been . Who knows it better than I ? You were exacting , proud , punctilious , selfish . My love would have been devoted -- would have trod your paltry whimpering under foot ! ' With flashing eyes , she stamped upon the ground as if she actually did it . 'Look here ! ' she said , striking the scar again , with a relentless hand . 'When he grew into the better understanding of what he had done , he saw it , and repented of it ! I could sing to him , and talk to him , and show the ardour that I felt in all he did , and attain with labour to such knowledge as most interested him ; and I attracted him . When he was freshest and truest , he loved me . Yes , he did ! Many a time , when you were put off with a slight word , he has taken Me to his heart ! ' She said it with a taunting pride in the midst of her frenzy -- for it was little less -- yet with an eager remembrance of it , in which the smouldering embers of a gentler feeling kindled for the moment . 'I descended -- as I might have known I should , but that he fascinated me with his boyish courtship -- into a doll , a trifle for the occupation of an idle hour , to be dropped , and taken up , and trifled with , as the inconstant humour took him . When he grew weary , I grew weary . As his fancy died out , I would no more have tried to strengthen any power I had , than I would have married him on his being forced to take me for his wife . We fell away from one another without a word . Perhaps you saw it , and were not sorry . Since then , I have been a mere disfigured piece of furniture between you both ; having no eyes , no ears , no feelings , no remembrances . Moan ? Moan for what you made him ; not for your love . I tell you that the time was , when I loved him better than you ever did ! ' She stood with her bright angry eyes confronting the wide stare , and the set face ; and softened no more , when the moaning was repeated , than if the face had been a picture . 'Miss Dartle , ' said I , 'if you can be so obdurate as not to feel for this afflicted mother -- ' 'Who feels for me ? ' she sharply retorted . 'She has sown this . Let her moan for the harvest that she reaps today ! ' 'And if his faults -- ' I began . 'Faults ! ' she cried , bursting into passionate tears . 'Who dares malign him ? He had a soul worth millions of the friends to whom he stooped ! ' 'No one can have loved him better , no one can hold him in dearer remembrance than I , ' I replied . 'I meant to say , if you have no compassion for his mother ; or if his faults -- you have been bitter on them -- ' 'It 's false , ' she cried , tearing her black hair ; 'I loved him ! ' ' -- if his faults can not , ' I went on , 'be banished from your remembrance , in such an hour ; look at that figure , even as one you have never seen before , and render it some help ! ' All this time , the figure was unchanged , and looked unchangeable . Motionless , rigid , staring ; moaning in the same dumb way from time to time , with the same helpless motion of the head ; but giving no other sign of life . Miss Dartle suddenly kneeled down before it , and began to loosen the dress . 'A curse upon you ! ' she said , looking round at me , with a mingled expression of rage and grief . 'It was in an evil hour that you ever came here ! A curse upon you ! Go ! ' After passing out of the room , I hurried back to ring the bell , the sooner to alarm the servants . She had then taken the impassive figure in her arms , and , still upon her knees , was weeping over it , kissing it , calling to it , rocking it to and fro upon her bosom like a child , and trying every tender means to rouse the dormant senses . No longer afraid of leaving her , I noiselessly turned back again ; and alarmed the house as I went out . Later in the day , I returned , and we laid him in his mother 's room . She was just the same , they told me ; Miss Dartle never left her ; doctors were in attendance , many things had been tried ; but she lay like a statue , except for the low sound now and then . I went through the dreary house , and darkened the windows . The windows of the chamber where he lay , I darkened last . I lifted up the leaden hand , and held it to my heart ; and all the world seemed death and silence , broken only by his mother 's moaning . CHAPTER 57 . THE EMIGRANTS One thing more , I had to do , before yielding myself to the shock of these emotions . It was , to conceal what had occurred , from those who were going away ; and to dismiss them on their voyage in happy ignorance . In this , no time was to be lost . I took Mr. Micawber aside that same night , and confided to him the task of standing between Mr. Peggotty and intelligence of the late catastrophe . He zealously undertook to do so , and to intercept any newspaper through which it might , without such precautions , reach him . 'If it penetrates to him , sir , ' said Mr. Micawber , striking himself on the breast , 'it shall first pass through this body ! ' Mr. Micawber , I must observe , in his adaptation of himself to a new state of society , had acquired a bold buccaneering air , not absolutely lawless , but defensive and prompt . One might have supposed him a child of the wilderness , long accustomed to live out of the confines of civilization , and about to return to his native wilds . He had provided himself , among other things , with a complete suit of oilskin , and a straw hat with a very low crown , pitched or caulked on the outside . In this rough clothing , with a common mariner 's telescope under his arm , and a shrewd trick of casting up his eye at the sky as looking out for dirty weather , he was far more nautical , after his manner , than Mr. Peggotty . His whole family , if I may so express it , were cleared for action . I found Mrs. Micawber in the closest and most uncompromising of bonnets , made fast under the chin ; and in a shawl which tied her up ( as I had been tied up , when my aunt first received me ) like a bundle , and was secured behind at the waist , in a strong knot . Miss Micawber I found made snug for stormy weather , in the same manner ; with nothing superfluous about her . Master Micawber was hardly visible in a Guernsey shirt , and the shaggiest suit of slops I ever saw ; and the children were done up , like preserved meats , in impervious cases . Both Mr. Micawber and his eldest son wore their sleeves loosely turned back at the wrists , as being ready to lend a hand in any direction , and to 'tumble up ' , or sing out , 'Yeo -- Heave -- Yeo ! ' on the shortest notice . Thus Traddles and I found them at nightfall , assembled on the wooden steps , at that time known as Hungerford Stairs , watching the departure of a boat with some of their property on board . I had told Traddles of the terrible event , and it had greatly shocked him ; but there could be no doubt of the kindness of keeping it a secret , and he had come to help me in this last service . It was here that I took Mr. Micawber aside , and received his promise . The Micawber family were lodged in a little , dirty , tumble-down public-house , which in those days was close to the stairs , and whose protruding wooden rooms overhung the river . The family , as emigrants , being objects of some interest in and about Hungerford , attracted so many beholders , that we were glad to take refuge in their room . It was one of the wooden chambers upstairs , with the tide flowing underneath . My aunt and Agnes were there , busily making some little extra comforts , in the way of dress , for the children . Peggotty was quietly assisting , with the old insensible work-box , yard-measure , and bit of wax-candle before her , that had now outlived so much . It was not easy to answer her inquiries ; still less to whisper Mr. Peggotty , when Mr. Micawber brought him in , that I had given the letter , and all was well . But I did both , and made them happy . If I showed any trace of what I felt , my own sorrows were sufficient to account for it . 'And when does the ship sail , Mr . Micawber ? ' asked my aunt . Mr. Micawber considered it necessary to prepare either my aunt or his wife , by degrees , and said , sooner than he had expected yesterday . 'The boat brought you word , I suppose ? ' said my aunt . 'It did , ma'am , ' he returned . 'Well ? ' said my aunt . 'And she sails -- ' 'Madam , ' he replied , 'I am informed that we must positively be on board before seven tomorrow morning . ' 'Heyday ! ' said my aunt , 'that 's soon . Is it a sea-going fact , Mr . Peggotty ? ' ''Tis so , ma'am . She 'll drop down the river with that theer tide . If Mas'r Davy and my sister comes aboard at Gravesen ' , arternoon o ' next day , they 'll see the last on us . ' 'And that we shall do , ' said I , 'be sure ! ' 'Until then , and until we are at sea , ' observed Mr. Micawber , with a glance of intelligence at me , 'Mr . Peggotty and myself will constantly keep a double look-out together , on our goods and chattels . Emma , my love , ' said Mr. Micawber , clearing his throat in his magnificent way , 'my friend Mr. Thomas Traddles is so obliging as to solicit , in my ear , that he should have the privilege of ordering the ingredients necessary to the composition of a moderate portion of that Beverage which is peculiarly associated , in our minds , with the Roast Beef of Old England . I allude to -- in short , Punch . Under ordinary circumstances , I should scruple to entreat the indulgence of Miss Trotwood and Miss Wickfield , but-' 'I can only say for myself , ' said my aunt , 'that I will drink all happiness and success to you , Mr. Micawber , with the utmost pleasure . ' 'And I too ! ' said Agnes , with a smile . Mr. Micawber immediately descended to the bar , where he appeared to be quite at home ; and in due time returned with a steaming jug . I could not but observe that he had been peeling the lemons with his own clasp-knife , which , as became the knife of a practical settler , was about a foot long ; and which he wiped , not wholly without ostentation , on the sleeve of his coat . Mrs. Micawber and the two elder members of the family I now found to be provided with similar formidable instruments , while every child had its own wooden spoon attached to its body by a strong line . In a similar anticipation of life afloat , and in the Bush , Mr. Micawber , instead of helping Mrs. Micawber and his eldest son and daughter to punch , in wine-glasses , which he might easily have done , for there was a shelf-full in the room , served it out to them in a series of villainous little tin pots ; and I never saw him enjoy anything so much as drinking out of his own particular pint pot , and putting it in his pocket at the close of the evening . 'The luxuries of the old country , ' said Mr. Micawber , with an intense satisfaction in their renouncement , 'we abandon . The denizens of the forest can not , of course , expect to participate in the refinements of the land of the Free . ' Here , a boy came in to say that Mr. Micawber was wanted downstairs . 'I have a presentiment , ' said Mrs. Micawber , setting down her tin pot , 'that it is a member of my family ! ' 'If so , my dear , ' observed Mr. Micawber , with his usual suddenness of warmth on that subject , 'as the member of your family -- whoever he , she , or it , may be -- has kept us waiting for a considerable period , perhaps the Member may now wait MY convenience . ' 'Micawber , ' said his wife , in a low tone , 'at such a time as this -- ' ' '' It is not meet , '' ' said Mr. Micawber , rising , ' '' that every nice offence should bear its comment ! '' Emma , I stand reproved . ' 'The loss , Micawber , ' observed his wife , 'has been my family 's , not yours . If my family are at length sensible of the deprivation to which their own conduct has , in the past , exposed them , and now desire to extend the hand of fellowship , let it not be repulsed . ' 'My dear , ' he returned , 'so be it ! ' 'If not for their sakes ; for mine , Micawber , ' said his wife . 'Emma , ' he returned , 'that view of the question is , at such a moment , irresistible . I can not , even now , distinctly pledge myself to fall upon your family 's neck ; but the member of your family , who is now in attendance , shall have no genial warmth frozen by me . ' Mr. Micawber withdrew , and was absent some little time ; in the course of which Mrs. Micawber was not wholly free from an apprehension that words might have arisen between him and the Member . At length the same boy reappeared , and presented me with a note written in pencil , and headed , in a legal manner , 'Heep v. Micawber ' . From this document , I learned that Mr. Micawber being again arrested , 'Was in a final paroxysm of despair ; and that he begged me to send him his knife and pint pot , by bearer , as they might prove serviceable during the brief remainder of his existence , in jail . He also requested , as a last act of friendship , that I would see his family to the Parish Workhouse , and forget that such a Being ever lived . Of course I answered this note by going down with the boy to pay the money , where I found Mr. Micawber sitting in a corner , looking darkly at the Sheriff 's Officer who had effected the capture . On his release , he embraced me with the utmost fervour ; and made an entry of the transaction in his pocket-book -- being very particular , I recollect , about a halfpenny I inadvertently omitted from my statement of the total . This momentous pocket-book was a timely reminder to him of another transaction . On our return to the room upstairs ( where he accounted for his absence by saying that it had been occasioned by circumstances over which he had no control ) , he took out of it a large sheet of paper , folded small , and quite covered with long sums , carefully worked . From the glimpse I had of them , I should say that I never saw such sums out of a school ciphering-book . These , it seemed , were calculations of compound interest on what he called 'the principal amount of forty-one , ten , eleven and a half ' , for various periods . After a careful consideration of these , and an elaborate estimate of his resources , he had come to the conclusion to select that sum which represented the amount with compound interest to two years , fifteen calendar months , and fourteen days , from that date . For this he had drawn a note-of-hand with great neatness , which he handed over to Traddles on the spot , a discharge of his debt in full ( as between man and man ) , with many acknowledgements . 'I have still a presentiment , ' said Mrs. Micawber , pensively shaking her head , 'that my family will appear on board , before we finally depart . ' Mr. Micawber evidently had his presentiment on the subject too , but he put it in his tin pot and swallowed it . 'If you have any opportunity of sending letters home , on your passage , Mrs. Micawber , ' said my aunt , 'you must let us hear from you , you know . ' 'My dear Miss Trotwood , ' she replied , 'I shall only be too happy to think that anyone expects to hear from us . I shall not fail to correspond . Mr. Copperfield , I trust , as an old and familiar friend , will not object to receive occasional intelligence , himself , from one who knew him when the twins were yet unconscious ? ' I said that I should hope to hear , whenever she had an opportunity of writing . 'Please Heaven , there will be many such opportunities , ' said Mr. Micawber . 'The ocean , in these times , is a perfect fleet of ships ; and we can hardly fail to encounter many , in running over . It is merely crossing , ' said Mr. Micawber , trifling with his eye-glass , 'merely crossing . The distance is quite imaginary . ' I think , now , how odd it was , but how wonderfully like Mr. Micawber , that , when he went from London to Canterbury , he should have talked as if he were going to the farthest limits of the earth ; and , when he went from England to Australia , as if he were going for a little trip across the channel . 'On the voyage , I shall endeavour , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'occasionally to spin them a yarn ; and the melody of my son Wilkins will , I trust , be acceptable at the galley-fire . When Mrs. Micawber has her sea-legs on -- an expression in which I hope there is no conventional impropriety -- she will give them , I dare say , `` Little Tafflin '' . Porpoises and dolphins , I believe , will be frequently observed athwart our Bows ; and , either on the starboard or the larboard quarter , objects of interest will be continually descried . In short , ' said Mr. Micawber , with the old genteel air , 'the probability is , all will be found so exciting , alow and aloft , that when the lookout , stationed in the main-top , cries Land-oh ! we shall be very considerably astonished ! ' With that he flourished off the contents of his little tin pot , as if he had made the voyage , and had passed a first-class examination before the highest naval authorities . 'What I chiefly hope , my dear Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'is , that in some branches of our family we may live again in the old country . Do not frown , Micawber ! I do not now refer to my own family , but to our children 's children . However vigorous the sapling , ' said Mrs. Micawber , shaking her head , 'I can not forget the parent-tree ; and when our race attains to eminence and fortune , I own I should wish that fortune to flow into the coffers of Britannia . ' 'My dear , ' said Mr. Micawber , 'Britannia must take her chance . I am bound to say that she has never done much for me , and that I have no particular wish upon the subject . ' 'Micawber , ' returned Mrs. Micawber , 'there , you are wrong . You are going out , Micawber , to this distant clime , to strengthen , not to weaken , the connexion between yourself and Albion . ' 'The connexion in question , my love , ' rejoined Mr. Micawber , 'has not laid me , I repeat , under that load of personal obligation , that I am at all sensitive as to the formation of another connexion . ' 'Micawber , ' returned Mrs. Micawber . 'There , I again say , you are wrong . You do not know your power , Micawber . It is that which will strengthen , even in this step you are about to take , the connexion between yourself and Albion . ' Mr. Micawber sat in his elbow-chair , with his eyebrows raised ; half receiving and half repudiating Mrs. Micawber 's views as they were stated , but very sensible of their foresight . 'My dear Mr. Copperfield , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'I wish Mr. Micawber to feel his position . It appears to me highly important that Mr. Micawber should , from the hour of his embarkation , feel his position . Your old knowledge of me , my dear Mr. Copperfield , will have told you that I have not the sanguine disposition of Mr. Micawber . My disposition is , if I may say so , eminently practical . I know that this is a long voyage . I know that it will involve many privations and inconveniences . I can not shut my eyes to those facts . But I also know what Mr. Micawber is . I know the latent power of Mr. Micawber . And therefore I consider it vitally important that Mr. Micawber should feel his position . ' 'My love , ' he observed , 'perhaps you will allow me to remark that it is barely possible that I DO feel my position at the present moment . ' 'I think not , Micawber , ' she rejoined . 'Not fully . My dear Mr. Copperfield , Mr. Micawber 's is not a common case . Mr. Micawber is going to a distant country expressly in order that he may be fully understood and appreciated for the first time . I wish Mr. Micawber to take his stand upon that vessel 's prow , and firmly say , `` This country I am come to conquer ! Have you honours ? Have you riches ? Have you posts of profitable pecuniary emolument ? Let them be brought forward . They are mine ! '' ' Mr. Micawber , glancing at us all , seemed to think there was a good deal in this idea . 'I wish Mr. Micawber , if I make myself understood , ' said Mrs. Micawber , in her argumentative tone , 'to be the Caesar of his own fortunes . That , my dear Mr. Copperfield , appears to me to be his true position . From the first moment of this voyage , I wish Mr. Micawber to stand upon that vessel 's prow and say , `` Enough of delay : enough of disappointment : enough of limited means . That was in the old country . This is the new . Produce your reparation . Bring it forward ! '' ' Mr. Micawber folded his arms in a resolute manner , as if he were then stationed on the figure-head . 'And doing that , ' said Mrs. Micawber , ' -- feeling his position -- am I not right in saying that Mr. Micawber will strengthen , and not weaken , his connexion with Britain ? An important public character arising in that hemisphere , shall I be told that its influence will not be felt at home ? Can I be so weak as to imagine that Mr. Micawber , wielding the rod of talent and of power in Australia , will be nothing in England ? I am but a woman ; but I should be unworthy of myself and of my papa , if I were guilty of such absurd weakness . ' Mrs. Micawber 's conviction that her arguments were unanswerable , gave a moral elevation to her tone which I think I had never heard in it before . 'And therefore it is , ' said Mrs. Micawber , 'that I the more wish , that , at a future period , we may live again on the parent soil . Mr. Micawber may be -- I can not disguise from myself that the probability is , Mr. Micawber will be -- a page of History ; and he ought then to be represented in the country which gave him birth , and did NOT give him employment ! ' 'My love , ' observed Mr. Micawber , 'it is impossible for me not to be touched by your affection . I am always willing to defer to your good sense . What will be -- will be . Heaven forbid that I should grudge my native country any portion of the wealth that may be accumulated by our descendants ! ' 'That 's well , ' said my aunt , nodding towards Mr. Peggotty , 'and I drink my love to you all , and every blessing and success attend you ! ' Mr. Peggotty put down the two children he had been nursing , one on each knee , to join Mr. and Mrs. Micawber in drinking to all of us in return ; and when he and the Micawbers cordially shook hands as comrades , and his brown face brightened with a smile , I felt that he would make his way , establish a good name , and be beloved , go where he would . Even the children were instructed , each to dip a wooden spoon into Mr. Micawber 's pot , and pledge us in its contents . When this was done , my aunt and Agnes rose , and parted from the emigrants . It was a sorrowful farewell . They were all crying ; the children hung about Agnes to the last ; and we left poor Mrs. Micawber in a very distressed condition , sobbing and weeping by a dim candle , that must have made the room look , from the river , like a miserable light-house . I went down again next morning to see that they were away . They had departed , in a boat , as early as five o'clock . It was a wonderful instance to me of the gap such partings make , that although my association of them with the tumble-down public-house and the wooden stairs dated only from last night , both seemed dreary and deserted , now that they were gone . In the afternoon of the next day , my old nurse and I went down to Gravesend . We found the ship in the river , surrounded by a crowd of boats ; a favourable wind blowing ; the signal for sailing at her mast-head . I hired a boat directly , and we put off to her ; and getting through the little vortex of confusion of which she was the centre , went on board . Mr. Peggotty was waiting for us on deck . He told me that Mr. Micawber had just now been arrested again ( and for the last time ) at the suit of Heep , and that , in compliance with a request I had made to him , he had paid the money , which I repaid him . He then took us down between decks ; and there , any lingering fears I had of his having heard any rumours of what had happened , were dispelled by Mr. Micawber 's coming out of the gloom , taking his arm with an air of friendship and protection , and telling me that they had scarcely been asunder for a moment , since the night before last . It was such a strange scene to me , and so confined and dark , that , at first , I could make out hardly anything ; but , by degrees , it cleared , as my eyes became more accustomed to the gloom , and I seemed to stand in a picture by OSTADE . Among the great beams , bulks , and ringbolts of the ship , and the emigrant-berths , and chests , and bundles , and barrels , and heaps of miscellaneous baggage -- 'lighted up , here and there , by dangling lanterns ; and elsewhere by the yellow daylight straying down a windsail or a hatchway -- were crowded groups of people , making new friendships , taking leave of one another , talking , laughing , crying , eating and drinking ; some , already settled down into the possession of their few feet of space , with their little households arranged , and tiny children established on stools , or in dwarf elbow-chairs ; others , despairing of a resting-place , and wandering disconsolately . From babies who had but a week or two of life behind them , to crooked old men and women who seemed to have but a week or two of life before them ; and from ploughmen bodily carrying out soil of England on their boots , to smiths taking away samples of its soot and smoke upon their skins ; every age and occupation appeared to be crammed into the narrow compass of the 'tween decks . As my eye glanced round this place , I thought I saw sitting , by an open port , with one of the Micawber children near her , a figure like Emily 's ; it first attracted my attention , by another figure parting from it with a kiss ; and as it glided calmly away through the disorder , reminding me of -- Agnes ! But in the rapid motion and confusion , and in the unsettlement of my own thoughts , I lost it again ; and only knew that the time was come when all visitors were being warned to leave the ship ; that my nurse was crying on a chest beside me ; and that Mrs. Gummidge , assisted by some younger stooping woman in black , was busily arranging Mr. Peggotty 's goods . 'Is there any last wured , Mas'r Davy ? ' said he . 'Is there any one forgotten thing afore we parts ? ' 'One thing ! ' said I . 'Martha ! ' He touched the younger woman I have mentioned on the shoulder , and Martha stood before me . 'Heaven bless you , you good man ! ' cried I . 'You take her with you ! ' She answered for him , with a burst of tears . I could speak no more at that time , but I wrung his hand ; and if ever I have loved and honoured any man , I loved and honoured that man in my soul . The ship was clearing fast of strangers . The greatest trial that I had , remained . I told him what the noble spirit that was gone , had given me in charge to say at parting . It moved him deeply . But when he charged me , in return , with many messages of affection and regret for those deaf ears , he moved me more . The time was come . I embraced him , took my weeping nurse upon my arm , and hurried away . On deck , I took leave of poor Mrs. Micawber . She was looking distractedly about for her family , even then ; and her last words to me were , that she never would desert Mr. Micawber . We went over the side into our boat , and lay at a little distance , to see the ship wafted on her course . It was then calm , radiant sunset . She lay between us , and the red light ; and every taper line and spar was visible against the glow . A sight at once so beautiful , so mournful , and so hopeful , as the glorious ship , lying , still , on the flushed water , with all the life on board her crowded at the bulwarks , and there clustering , for a moment , bare-headed and silent , I never saw . Silent , only for a moment . As the sails rose to the wind , and the ship began to move , there broke from all the boats three resounding cheers , which those on board took up , and echoed back , and which were echoed and re-echoed . My heart burst out when I heard the sound , and beheld the waving of the hats and handkerchiefs -- and then I saw her ! Then I saw her , at her uncle 's side , and trembling on his shoulder . He pointed to us with an eager hand ; and she saw us , and waved her last good-bye to me . Aye , Emily , beautiful and drooping , cling to him with the utmost trust of thy bruised heart ; for he has clung to thee , with all the might of his great love ! Surrounded by the rosy light , and standing high upon the deck , apart together , she clinging to him , and he holding her , they solemnly passed away . The night had fallen on the Kentish hills when we were rowed ashore -- and fallen darkly upon me . CHAPTER 58 . ABSENCE It was a long and gloomy night that gathered on me , haunted by the ghosts of many hopes , of many dear remembrances , many errors , many unavailing sorrows and regrets . I went away from England ; not knowing , even then , how great the shock was , that I had to bear . I left all who were dear to me , and went away ; and believed that I had borne it , and it was past . As a man upon a field of battle will receive a mortal hurt , and scarcely know that he is struck , so I , when I was left alone with my undisciplined heart , had no conception of the wound with which it had to strive . The knowledge came upon me , not quickly , but little by little , and grain by grain . The desolate feeling with which I went abroad , deepened and widened hourly . At first it was a heavy sense of loss and sorrow , wherein I could distinguish little else . By imperceptible degrees , it became a hopeless consciousness of all that I had lost -- love , friendship , interest ; of all that had been shattered -- my first trust , my first affection , the whole airy castle of my life ; of all that remained -- a ruined blank and waste , lying wide around me , unbroken , to the dark horizon . If my grief were selfish , I did not know it to be so . I mourned for my child-wife , taken from her blooming world , so young . I mourned for him who might have won the love and admiration of thousands , as he had won mine long ago . I mourned for the broken heart that had found rest in the stormy sea ; and for the wandering remnants of the simple home , where I had heard the night-wind blowing , when I was a child . From the accumulated sadness into which I fell , I had at length no hope of ever issuing again . I roamed from place to place , carrying my burden with me everywhere . I felt its whole weight now ; and I drooped beneath it , and I said in my heart that it could never be lightened . When this despondency was at its worst , I believed that I should die . Sometimes , I thought that I would like to die at home ; and actually turned back on my road , that I might get there soon . At other times , I passed on farther away , -- from city to city , seeking I know not what , and trying to leave I know not what behind . It is not in my power to retrace , one by one , all the weary phases of distress of mind through which I passed . There are some dreams that can only be imperfectly and vaguely described ; and when I oblige myself to look back on this time of my life , I seem to be recalling such a dream . I see myself passing on among the novelties of foreign towns , palaces , cathedrals , temples , pictures , castles , tombs , fantastic streets -- the old abiding places of History and Fancy -- as a dreamer might ; bearing my painful load through all , and hardly conscious of the objects as they fade before me . Listlessness to everything , but brooding sorrow , was the night that fell on my undisciplined heart . Let me look up from it -- as at last I did , thank Heaven ! -- and from its long , sad , wretched dream , to dawn . For many months I travelled with this ever-darkening cloud upon my mind . Some blind reasons that I had for not returning home -- reasons then struggling within me , vainly , for more distinct expression -- kept me on my pilgrimage . Sometimes , I had proceeded restlessly from place to place , stopping nowhere ; sometimes , I had lingered long in one spot . I had had no purpose , no sustaining soul within me , anywhere . I was in Switzerland . I had come out of Italy , over one of the great passes of the Alps , and had since wandered with a guide among the by-ways of the mountains . If those awful solitudes had spoken to my heart , I did not know it . I had found sublimity and wonder in the dread heights and precipices , in the roaring torrents , and the wastes of ice and snow ; but as yet , they had taught me nothing else . I came , one evening before sunset , down into a valley , where I was to rest . In the course of my descent to it , by the winding track along the mountain-side , from which I saw it shining far below , I think some long-unwonted sense of beauty and tranquillity , some softening influence awakened by its peace , moved faintly in my breast . I remember pausing once , with a kind of sorrow that was not all oppressive , not quite despairing . I remember almost hoping that some better change was possible within me . I came into the valley , as the evening sun was shining on the remote heights of snow , that closed it in , like eternal clouds . The bases of the mountains forming the gorge in which the little village lay , were richly green ; and high above this gentler vegetation , grew forests of dark fir , cleaving the wintry snow-drift , wedge-like , and stemming the avalanche . Above these , were range upon range of craggy steeps , grey rock , bright ice , and smooth verdure-specks of pasture , all gradually blending with the crowning snow . Dotted here and there on the mountain's-side , each tiny dot a home , were lonely wooden cottages , so dwarfed by the towering heights that they appeared too small for toys . So did even the clustered village in the valley , with its wooden bridge across the stream , where the stream tumbled over broken rocks , and roared away among the trees . In the quiet air , there was a sound of distant singing -- shepherd voices ; but , as one bright evening cloud floated midway along the mountain's-side , I could almost have believed it came from there , and was not earthly music . All at once , in this serenity , great Nature spoke to me ; and soothed me to lay down my weary head upon the grass , and weep as I had not wept yet , since Dora died ! I had found a packet of letters awaiting me but a few minutes before , and had strolled out of the village to read them while my supper was making ready . Other packets had missed me , and I had received none for a long time . Beyond a line or two , to say that I was well , and had arrived at such a place , I had not had fortitude or constancy to write a letter since I left home . The packet was in my hand . I opened it , and read the writing of Agnes . She was happy and useful , was prospering as she had hoped . That was all she told me of herself . The rest referred to me . She gave me no advice ; she urged no duty on me ; she only told me , in her own fervent manner , what her trust in me was . She knew ( she said ) how such a nature as mine would turn affliction to good . She knew how trial and emotion would exalt and strengthen it . She was sure that in my every purpose I should gain a firmer and a higher tendency , through the grief I had undergone . She , who so gloried in my fame , and so looked forward to its augmentation , well knew that I would labour on . She knew that in me , sorrow could not be weakness , but must be strength . As the endurance of my childish days had done its part to make me what I was , so greater calamities would nerve me on , to be yet better than I was ; and so , as they had taught me , would I teach others . She commended me to God , who had taken my innocent darling to His rest ; and in her sisterly affection cherished me always , and was always at my side go where I would ; proud of what I had done , but infinitely prouder yet of what I was reserved to do . I put the letter in my breast , and thought what had I been an hour ago ! When I heard the voices die away , and saw the quiet evening cloud grow dim , and all the colours in the valley fade , and the golden snow upon the mountain-tops become a remote part of the pale night sky , yet felt that the night was passing from my mind , and all its shadows clearing , there was no name for the love I bore her , dearer to me , henceforward , than ever until then . I read her letter many times . I wrote to her before I slept . I told her that I had been in sore need of her help ; that without her I was not , and I never had been , what she thought me ; but that she inspired me to be that , and I would try . I did try . In three months more , a year would have passed since the beginning of my sorrow . I determined to make no resolutions until the expiration of those three months , but to try . I lived in that valley , and its neighbourhood , all the time . The three months gone , I resolved to remain away from home for some time longer ; to settle myself for the present in Switzerland , which was growing dear to me in the remembrance of that evening ; to resume my pen ; to work . I resorted humbly whither Agnes had commended me ; I sought out Nature , never sought in vain ; and I admitted to my breast the human interest I had lately shrunk from . It was not long , before I had almost as many friends in the valley as in Yarmouth : and when I left it , before the winter set in , for Geneva , and came back in the spring , their cordial greetings had a homely sound to me , although they were not conveyed in English words . I worked early and late , patiently and hard . I wrote a Story , with a purpose growing , not remotely , out of my experience , and sent it to Traddles , and he arranged for its publication very advantageously for me ; and the tidings of my growing reputation began to reach me from travellers whom I encountered by chance . After some rest and change , I fell to work , in my old ardent way , on a new fancy , which took strong possession of me . As I advanced in the execution of this task , I felt it more and more , and roused my utmost energies to do it well . This was my third work of fiction . It was not half written , when , in an interval of rest , I thought of returning home . For a long time , though studying and working patiently , I had accustomed myself to robust exercise . My health , severely impaired when I left England , was quite restored . I had seen much . I had been in many countries , and I hope I had improved my store of knowledge . I have now recalled all that I think it needful to recall here , of this term of absence -- with one reservation . I have made it , thus far , with no purpose of suppressing any of my thoughts ; for , as I have elsewhere said , this narrative is my written memory . I have desired to keep the most secret current of my mind apart , and to the last . I enter on it now . I can not so completely penetrate the mystery of my own heart , as to know when I began to think that I might have set its earliest and brightest hopes on Agnes . I can not say at what stage of my grief it first became associated with the reflection , that , in my wayward boyhood , I had thrown away the treasure of her love . I believe I may have heard some whisper of that distant thought , in the old unhappy loss or want of something never to be realized , of which I had been sensible . But the thought came into my mind as a new reproach and new regret , when I was left so sad and lonely in the world . If , at that time , I had been much with her , I should , in the weakness of my desolation , have betrayed this . It was what I remotely dreaded when I was first impelled to stay away from England . I could not have borne to lose the smallest portion of her sisterly affection ; yet , in that betrayal , I should have set a constraint between us hitherto unknown . I could not forget that the feeling with which she now regarded me had grown up in my own free choice and course . That if she had ever loved me with another love -- and I sometimes thought the time was when she might have done so -- I had cast it away . It was nothing , now , that I had accustomed myself to think of her , when we were both mere children , as one who was far removed from my wild fancies . I had bestowed my passionate tenderness upon another object ; and what I might have done , I had not done ; and what Agnes was to me , I and her own noble heart had made her . In the beginning of the change that gradually worked in me , when I tried to get a better understanding of myself and be a better man , I did glance , through some indefinite probation , to a period when I might possibly hope to cancel the mistaken past , and to be so blessed as to marry her . But , as time wore on , this shadowy prospect faded , and departed from me . If she had ever loved me , then , I should hold her the more sacred ; remembering the confidences I had reposed in her , her knowledge of my errant heart , the sacrifice she must have made to be my friend and sister , and the victory she had won . If she had never loved me , could I believe that she would love me now ? I had always felt my weakness , in comparison with her constancy and fortitude ; and now I felt it more and more . Whatever I might have been to her , or she to me , if I had been more worthy of her long ago , I was not now , and she was not . The time was past . I had let it go by , and had deservedly lost her . That I suffered much in these contentions , that they filled me with unhappiness and remorse , and yet that I had a sustaining sense that it was required of me , in right and honour , to keep away from myself , with shame , the thought of turning to the dear girl in the withering of my hopes , from whom I had frivolously turned when they were bright and fresh -- which consideration was at the root of every thought I had concerning her -- is all equally true . I made no effort to conceal from myself , now , that I loved her , that I was devoted to her ; but I brought the assurance home to myself , that it was now too late , and that our long-subsisting relation must be undisturbed . I had thought , much and often , of my Dora 's shadowing out to me what might have happened , in those years that were destined not to try us ; I had considered how the things that never happen , are often as much realities to us , in their effects , as those that are accomplished . The very years she spoke of , were realities now , for my correction ; and would have been , one day , a little later perhaps , though we had parted in our earliest folly . I endeavoured to convert what might have been between myself and Agnes , into a means of making me more self-denying , more resolved , more conscious of myself , and my defects and errors . Thus , through the reflection that it might have been , I arrived at the conviction that it could never be . These , with their perplexities and inconsistencies , were the shifting quicksands of my mind , from the time of my departure to the time of my return home , three years afterwards . Three years had elapsed since the sailing of the emigrant ship ; when , at that same hour of sunset , and in the same place , I stood on the deck of the packet vessel that brought me home , looking on the rosy water where I had seen the image of that ship reflected . Three years . Long in the aggregate , though short as they went by . And home was very dear to me , and Agnes too -- but she was not mine -- she was never to be mine . She might have been , but that was past ! CHAPTER 59 . RETURN I landed in London on a wintry autumn evening . It was dark and raining , and I saw more fog and mud in a minute than I had seen in a year . I walked from the Custom House to the Monument before I found a coach ; and although the very house-fronts , looking on the swollen gutters , were like old friends to me , I could not but admit that they were very dingy friends . I have often remarked -- I suppose everybody has -- that one 's going away from a familiar place , would seem to be the signal for change in it . As I looked out of the coach window , and observed that an old house on Fish-street Hill , which had stood untouched by painter , carpenter , or bricklayer , for a century , had been pulled down in my absence ; and that a neighbouring street , of time-honoured insalubrity and inconvenience , was being drained and widened ; I half expected to find St. Paul's Cathedral looking older . For some changes in the fortunes of my friends , I was prepared . My aunt had long been re-established at Dover , and Traddles had begun to get into some little practice at the Bar , in the very first term after my departure . He had chambers in Gray 's Inn , now ; and had told me , in his last letters , that he was not without hopes of being soon united to the dearest girl in the world . They expected me home before Christmas ; but had no idea of my returning so soon . I had purposely misled them , that I might have the pleasure of taking them by surprise . And yet , I was perverse enough to feel a chill and disappointment in receiving no welcome , and rattling , alone and silent , through the misty streets . The well-known shops , however , with their cheerful lights , did something for me ; and when I alighted at the door of the Gray 's Inn Coffee-house , I had recovered my spirits . It recalled , at first , that so-different time when I had put up at the Golden Cross , and reminded me of the changes that had come to pass since then ; but that was natural . 'Do you know where Mr. Traddles lives in the Inn ? ' I asked the waiter , as I warmed myself by the coffee-room fire . 'Holborn Court , sir . Number two . ' 'Mr . Traddles has a rising reputation among the lawyers , I believe ? ' said I . 'Well , sir , ' returned the waiter , 'probably he has , sir ; but I am not aware of it myself . ' This waiter , who was middle-aged and spare , looked for help to a waiter of more authority -- a stout , potential old man , with a double chin , in black breeches and stockings , who came out of a place like a churchwarden 's pew , at the end of the coffee-room , where he kept company with a cash-box , a Directory , a Law-list , and other books and papers . 'Mr . Traddles , ' said the spare waiter . 'Number two in the Court . ' The potential waiter waved him away , and turned , gravely , to me . 'I was inquiring , ' said I , 'whether Mr. Traddles , at number two in the Court , has not a rising reputation among the lawyers ? ' 'Never heard his name , ' said the waiter , in a rich husky voice . I felt quite apologetic for Traddles . 'He 's a young man , sure ? ' said the portentous waiter , fixing his eyes severely on me . 'How long has he been in the Inn ? ' 'Not above three years , ' said I . The waiter , who I supposed had lived in his churchwarden 's pew for forty years , could not pursue such an insignificant subject . He asked me what I would have for dinner ? I felt I was in England again , and really was quite cast down on Traddles 's account . There seemed to be no hope for him . I meekly ordered a bit of fish and a steak , and stood before the fire musing on his obscurity . As I followed the chief waiter with my eyes , I could not help thinking that the garden in which he had gradually blown to be the flower he was , was an arduous place to rise in . It had such a prescriptive , stiff-necked , long-established , solemn , elderly air . I glanced about the room , which had had its sanded floor sanded , no doubt , in exactly the same manner when the chief waiter was a boy -- if he ever was a boy , which appeared improbable ; and at the shining tables , where I saw myself reflected , in unruffled depths of old mahogany ; and at the lamps , without a flaw in their trimming or cleaning ; and at the comfortable green curtains , with their pure brass rods , snugly enclosing the boxes ; and at the two large coal fires , brightly burning ; and at the rows of decanters , burly as if with the consciousness of pipes of expensive old port wine below ; and both England , and the law , appeared to me to be very difficult indeed to be taken by storm . I went up to my bedroom to change my wet clothes ; and the vast extent of that old wainscoted apartment ( which was over the archway leading to the Inn , I remember ) , and the sedate immensity of the four-post bedstead , and the indomitable gravity of the chests of drawers , all seemed to unite in sternly frowning on the fortunes of Traddles , or on any such daring youth . I came down again to my dinner ; and even the slow comfort of the meal , and the orderly silence of the place -- which was bare of guests , the Long Vacation not yet being over -- were eloquent on the audacity of Traddles , and his small hopes of a livelihood for twenty years to come . I had seen nothing like this since I went away , and it quite dashed my hopes for my friend . The chief waiter had had enough of me . He came near me no more ; but devoted himself to an old gentleman in long gaiters , to meet whom a pint of special port seemed to come out of the cellar of its own accord , for he gave no order . The second waiter informed me , in a whisper , that this old gentleman was a retired conveyancer living in the Square , and worth a mint of money , which it was expected he would leave to his laundress 's daughter ; likewise that it was rumoured that he had a service of plate in a bureau , all tarnished with lying by , though more than one spoon and a fork had never yet been beheld in his chambers by mortal vision . By this time , I quite gave Traddles up for lost ; and settled in my own mind that there was no hope for him . Being very anxious to see the dear old fellow , nevertheless , I dispatched my dinner , in a manner not at all calculated to raise me in the opinion of the chief waiter , and hurried out by the back way . Number two in the Court was soon reached ; and an inscription on the door-post informing me that Mr. Traddles occupied a set of chambers on the top storey , I ascended the staircase . A crazy old staircase I found it to be , feebly lighted on each landing by a club -- headed little oil wick , dying away in a little dungeon of dirty glass . In the course of my stumbling upstairs , I fancied I heard a pleasant sound of laughter ; and not the laughter of an attorney or barrister , or attorney 's clerk or barrister 's clerk , but of two or three merry girls . Happening , however , as I stopped to listen , to put my foot in a hole where the Honourable Society of Gray 's Inn had left a plank deficient , I fell down with some noise , and when I recovered my footing all was silent . Groping my way more carefully , for the rest of the journey , my heart beat high when I found the outer door , which had Mr. TRADDLES painted on it , open . I knocked . A considerable scuffling within ensued , but nothing else . I therefore knocked again . A small sharp-looking lad , half-footboy and half-clerk , who was very much out of breath , but who looked at me as if he defied me to prove it legally , presented himself . 'Is Mr. Traddles within ? ' I said . 'Yes , sir , but he 's engaged . ' 'I want to see him . ' After a moment 's survey of me , the sharp-looking lad decided to let me in ; and opening the door wider for that purpose , admitted me , first , into a little closet of a hall , and next into a little sitting-room ; where I came into the presence of my old friend ( also out of breath ) , seated at a table , and bending over papers . 'Good God ! ' cried Traddles , looking up . 'It 's Copperfield ! ' and rushed into my arms , where I held him tight . 'All well , my dear Traddles ? ' 'All well , my dear , dear Copperfield , and nothing but good news ! ' We cried with pleasure , both of us . 'My dear fellow , ' said Traddles , rumpling his hair in his excitement , which was a most unnecessary operation , 'my dearest Copperfield , my long-lost and most welcome friend , how glad I am to see you ! How brown you are ! How glad I am ! Upon my life and honour , I never was so rejoiced , my beloved Copperfield , never ! ' I was equally at a loss to express my emotions . I was quite unable to speak , at first . 'My dear fellow ! ' said Traddles . 'And grown so famous ! My glorious Copperfield ! Good gracious me , WHEN did you come , WHERE have you come from , WHAT have you been doing ? ' Never pausing for an answer to anything he said , Traddles , who had clapped me into an easy-chair by the fire , all this time impetuously stirred the fire with one hand , and pulled at my neck-kerchief with the other , under some wild delusion that it was a great-coat . Without putting down the poker , he now hugged me again ; and I hugged him ; and , both laughing , and both wiping our eyes , we both sat down , and shook hands across the hearth . 'To think , ' said Traddles , 'that you should have been so nearly coming home as you must have been , my dear old boy , and not at the ceremony ! ' 'What ceremony , my dear Traddles ? ' 'Good gracious me ! ' cried Traddles , opening his eyes in his old way . 'Did n't you get my last letter ? ' 'Certainly not , if it referred to any ceremony . ' 'Why , my dear Copperfield , ' said Traddles , sticking his hair upright with both hands , and then putting his hands on my knees , 'I am married ! ' 'Married ! ' I cried joyfully . 'Lord bless me , yes ! ' said Traddles -- 'by the Reverend Horace -- to Sophy -- down in Devonshire . Why , my dear boy , she 's behind the window curtain ! Look here ! ' To my amazement , the dearest girl in the world came at that same instant , laughing and blushing , from her place of concealment . And a more cheerful , amiable , honest , happy , bright-looking bride , I believe ( as I could not help saying on the spot ) the world never saw . I kissed her as an old acquaintance should , and wished them joy with all my might of heart . 'Dear me , ' said Traddles , 'what a delightful re-union this is ! You are so extremely brown , my dear Copperfield ! God bless my soul , how happy I am ! ' 'And so am I , ' said I . 'And I am sure I am ! ' said the blushing and laughing Sophy . 'We are all as happy as possible ! ' said Traddles . 'Even the girls are happy . Dear me , I declare I forgot them ! ' 'Forgot ? ' said I . 'The girls , ' said Traddles . 'Sophy 's sisters . They are staying with us . They have come to have a peep at London . The fact is , when -- was it you that tumbled upstairs , Copperfield ? ' 'It was , ' said I , laughing . 'Well then , when you tumbled upstairs , ' said Traddles , 'I was romping with the girls . In point of fact , we were playing at Puss in the Corner . But as that would n't do in Westminster Hall , and as it would n't look quite professional if they were seen by a client , they decamped . And they are now -- listening , I have no doubt , ' said Traddles , glancing at the door of another room . 'I am sorry , ' said I , laughing afresh , 'to have occasioned such a dispersion . ' 'Upon my word , ' rejoined Traddles , greatly delighted , 'if you had seen them running away , and running back again , after you had knocked , to pick up the combs they had dropped out of their hair , and going on in the maddest manner , you would n't have said so . My love , will you fetch the girls ? ' Sophy tripped away , and we heard her received in the adjoining room with a peal of laughter . 'Really musical , is n't it , my dear Copperfield ? ' said Traddles . 'It's very agreeable to hear . It quite lights up these old rooms . To an unfortunate bachelor of a fellow who has lived alone all his life , you know , it 's positively delicious . It 's charming . Poor things , they have had a great loss in Sophy -- who , I do assure you , Copperfield is , and ever was , the dearest girl ! -- and it gratifies me beyond expression to find them in such good spirits . The society of girls is a very delightful thing , Copperfield . It 's not professional , but it 's very delightful . ' Observing that he slightly faltered , and comprehending that in the goodness of his heart he was fearful of giving me some pain by what he had said , I expressed my concurrence with a heartiness that evidently relieved and pleased him greatly . 'But then , ' said Traddles , 'our domestic arrangements are , to say the truth , quite unprofessional altogether , my dear Copperfield . Even Sophy 's being here , is unprofessional . And we have no other place of abode . We have put to sea in a cockboat , but we are quite prepared to rough it . And Sophy 's an extraordinary manager ! You 'll be surprised how those girls are stowed away . I am sure I hardly know how it 's done ! ' 'Are many of the young ladies with you ? ' I inquired . 'The eldest , the Beauty is here , ' said Traddles , in a low confidential voice , 'Caroline . And Sarah 's here -- the one I mentioned to you as having something the matter with her spine , you know . Immensely better ! And the two youngest that Sophy educated are with us . And Louisa 's here . ' 'Indeed ! ' cried I . 'Yes , ' said Traddles . 'Now the whole set -- I mean the chambers -- is only three rooms ; but Sophy arranges for the girls in the most wonderful way , and they sleep as comfortably as possible . Three in that room , ' said Traddles , pointing . 'Two in that . ' I could not help glancing round , in search of the accommodation remaining for Mr. and Mrs. Traddles . Traddles understood me . 'Well ! ' said Traddles , 'we are prepared to rough it , as I said just now , and we did improvise a bed last week , upon the floor here . But there's a little room in the roof -- a very nice room , when you 're up there -- which Sophy papered herself , to surprise me ; and that 's our room at present . It 's a capital little gipsy sort of place . There 's quite a view from it . ' 'And you are happily married at last , my dear Traddles ! ' said I . 'How rejoiced I am ! ' 'Thank you , my dear Copperfield , ' said Traddles , as we shook hands once more . 'Yes , I am as happy as it 's possible to be . There 's your old friend , you see , ' said Traddles , nodding triumphantly at the flower-pot and stand ; 'and there 's the table with the marble top ! All the other furniture is plain and serviceable , you perceive . And as to plate , Lord bless you , we have n't so much as a tea-spoon . ' 'All to be earned ? ' said I , cheerfully . 'Exactly so , ' replied Traddles , 'all to be earned . Of course we have something in the shape of tea-spoons , because we stir our tea . But they 're Britannia metal . ' 'The silver will be the brighter when it comes , ' said I . 'The very thing we say ! ' cried Traddles . 'You see , my dear Copperfield , ' falling again into the low confidential tone , 'after I had delivered my argument in DOE dem . JIPES versus WIGZIELL , which did me great service with the profession , I went down into Devonshire , and had some serious conversation in private with the Reverend Horace . I dwelt upon the fact that Sophy -- who I do assure you , Copperfield , is the dearest girl ! -- ' 'I am certain she is ! ' said I . 'She is , indeed ! ' rejoined Traddles . 'But I am afraid I am wandering from the subject . Did I mention the Reverend Horace ? ' 'You said that you dwelt upon the fact -- ' 'True ! Upon the fact that Sophy and I had been engaged for a long period , and that Sophy , with the permission of her parents , was more than content to take me -- in short , ' said Traddles , with his old frank smile , 'on our present Britannia-metal footing . Very well . I then proposed to the Reverend Horace -- who is a most excellent clergyman , Copperfield , and ought to be a Bishop ; or at least ought to have enough to live upon , without pinching himself -- that if I could turn the corner , say of two hundred and fifty pounds , in one year ; and could see my way pretty clearly to that , or something better , next year ; and could plainly furnish a little place like this , besides ; then , and in that case , Sophy and I should be united . I took the liberty of representing that we had been patient for a good many years ; and that the circumstance of Sophy 's being extraordinarily useful at home , ought not to operate with her affectionate parents , against her establishment in life -- do n't you see ? ' 'Certainly it ought not , ' said I . 'I am glad you think so , Copperfield , ' rejoined Traddles , 'because , without any imputation on the Reverend Horace , I do think parents , and brothers , and so forth , are sometimes rather selfish in such cases . Well ! I also pointed out , that my most earnest desire was , to be useful to the family ; and that if I got on in the world , and anything should happen to him -- I refer to the Reverend Horace -- ' 'I understand , ' said I. ' -- Or to Mrs. Crewler -- it would be the utmost gratification of my wishes , to be a parent to the girls . He replied in a most admirable manner , exceedingly flattering to my feelings , and undertook to obtain the consent of Mrs. Crewler to this arrangement . They had a dreadful time of it with her . It mounted from her legs into her chest , and then into her head -- ' 'What mounted ? ' I asked . 'Her grief , ' replied Traddles , with a serious look . 'Her feelings generally . As I mentioned on a former occasion , she is a very superior woman , but has lost the use of her limbs . Whatever occurs to harass her , usually settles in her legs ; but on this occasion it mounted to the chest , and then to the head , and , in short , pervaded the whole system in a most alarming manner . However , they brought her through it by unremitting and affectionate attention ; and we were married yesterday six weeks . You have no idea what a Monster I felt , Copperfield , when I saw the whole family crying and fainting away in every direction ! Mrs. Crewler could n't see me before we left -- could n't forgive me , then , for depriving her of her child -- but she is a good creature , and has done so since . I had a delightful letter from her , only this morning . ' 'And in short , my dear friend , ' said I , 'you feel as blest as you deserve to feel ! ' 'Oh ! That 's your partiality ! ' laughed Traddles . 'But , indeed , I am in a most enviable state . I work hard , and read Law insatiably . I get up at five every morning , and do n't mind it at all . I hide the girls in the daytime , and make merry with them in the evening . And I assure you I am quite sorry that they are going home on Tuesday , which is the day before the first day of Michaelmas Term . But here , ' said Traddles , breaking off in his confidence , and speaking aloud , 'ARE the girls ! Mr. Copperfield , Miss Crewler -- Miss Sarah -- Miss Louisa -- Margaret and Lucy ! ' They were a perfect nest of roses ; they looked so wholesome and fresh . They were all pretty , and Miss Caroline was very handsome ; but there was a loving , cheerful , fireside quality in Sophy 's bright looks , which was better than that , and which assured me that my friend had chosen well . We all sat round the fire ; while the sharp boy , who I now divined had lost his breath in putting the papers out , cleared them away again , and produced the tea-things . After that , he retired for the night , shutting the outer door upon us with a bang . Mrs. Traddles , with perfect pleasure and composure beaming from her household eyes , having made the tea , then quietly made the toast as she sat in a corner by the fire . She had seen Agnes , she told me while she was toasting . 'Tom ' had taken her down into Kent for a wedding trip , and there she had seen my aunt , too ; and both my aunt and Agnes were well , and they had all talked of nothing but me . 'Tom ' had never had me out of his thoughts , she really believed , all the time I had been away . 'Tom ' was the authority for everything . 'Tom ' was evidently the idol of her life ; never to be shaken on his pedestal by any commotion ; always to be believed in , and done homage to with the whole faith of her heart , come what might . The deference which both she and Traddles showed towards the Beauty , pleased me very much . I do n't know that I thought it very reasonable ; but I thought it very delightful , and essentially a part of their character . If Traddles ever for an instant missed the tea-spoons that were still to be won , I have no doubt it was when he handed the Beauty her tea . If his sweet-tempered wife could have got up any self-assertion against anyone , I am satisfied it could only have been because she was the Beauty 's sister . A few slight indications of a rather petted and capricious manner , which I observed in the Beauty , were manifestly considered , by Traddles and his wife , as her birthright and natural endowment . If she had been born a Queen Bee , and they labouring Bees , they could not have been more satisfied of that . But their self-forgetfulness charmed me . Their pride in these girls , and their submission of themselves to all their whims , was the pleasantest little testimony to their own worth I could have desired to see . If Traddles were addressed as 'a darling ' , once in the course of that evening ; and besought to bring something here , or carry something there , or take something up , or put something down , or find something , or fetch something , he was so addressed , by one or other of his sisters-in-law , at least twelve times in an hour . Neither could they do anything without Sophy . Somebody 's hair fell down , and nobody but Sophy could put it up . Somebody forgot how a particular tune went , and nobody but Sophy could hum that tune right . Somebody wanted to recall the name of a place in Devonshire , and only Sophy knew it . Something was wanted to be written home , and Sophy alone could be trusted to write before breakfast in the morning . Somebody broke down in a piece of knitting , and no one but Sophy was able to put the defaulter in the right direction . They were entire mistresses of the place , and Sophy and Traddles waited on them . How many children Sophy could have taken care of in her time , I can't imagine ; but she seemed to be famous for knowing every sort of song that ever was addressed to a child in the English tongue ; and she sang dozens to order with the clearest little voice in the world , one after another ( every sister issuing directions for a different tune , and the Beauty generally striking in last ) , so that I was quite fascinated . The best of all was , that , in the midst of their exactions , all the sisters had a great tenderness and respect both for Sophy and Traddles . I am sure , when I took my leave , and Traddles was coming out to walk with me to the coffee-house , I thought I had never seen an obstinate head of hair , or any other head of hair , rolling about in such a shower of kisses . Altogether , it was a scene I could not help dwelling on with pleasure , for a long time after I got back and had wished Traddles good night . If I had beheld a thousand roses blowing in a top set of chambers , in that withered Gray 's Inn , they could not have brightened it half so much . The idea of those Devonshire girls , among the dry law-stationers and the attorneys ' offices ; and of the tea and toast , and children 's songs , in that grim atmosphere of pounce and parchment , red-tape , dusty wafers , ink-jars , brief and draft paper , law reports , writs , declarations , and bills of costs ; seemed almost as pleasantly fanciful as if I had dreamed that the Sultan 's famous family had been admitted on the roll of attorneys , and had brought the talking bird , the singing tree , and the golden water into Gray 's Inn Hall . Somehow , I found that I had taken leave of Traddles for the night , and come back to the coffee-house , with a great change in my despondency about him . I began to think he would get on , in spite of all the many orders of chief waiters in England . Drawing a chair before one of the coffee-room fires to think about him at my leisure , I gradually fell from the consideration of his happiness to tracing prospects in the live-coals , and to thinking , as they broke and changed , of the principal vicissitudes and separations that had marked my life . I had not seen a coal fire , since I had left England three years ago : though many a wood fire had I watched , as it crumbled into hoary ashes , and mingled with the feathery heap upon the hearth , which not inaptly figured to me , in my despondency , my own dead hopes . I could think of the past now , gravely , but not bitterly ; and could contemplate the future in a brave spirit . Home , in its best sense , was for me no more . She in whom I might have inspired a dearer love , I had taught to be my sister . She would marry , and would have new claimants on her tenderness ; and in doing it , would never know the love for her that had grown up in my heart . It was right that I should pay the forfeit of my headlong passion . What I reaped , I had sown . I was thinking . And had I truly disciplined my heart to this , and could I resolutely bear it , and calmly hold the place in her home which she had calmly held in mine , -- when I found my eyes resting on a countenance that might have arisen out of the fire , in its association with my early remembrances . Little Mr. Chillip the Doctor , to whose good offices I was indebted in the very first
chapter of this history , sat reading a newspaper in the shadow of an opposite corner . He was tolerably stricken in years by this time ; but , being a mild , meek , calm little man , had worn so easily , that I thought he looked at that moment just as he might have looked when he sat in our parlour , waiting for me to be born . Mr. Chillip had left Blunderstone six or seven years ago , and I had never seen him since . He sat placidly perusing the newspaper , with his little head on one side , and a glass of warm sherry negus at his elbow . He was so extremely conciliatory in his manner that he seemed to apologize to the very newspaper for taking the liberty of reading it . I walked up to where he was sitting , and said , 'How do you do , Mr . Chillip ? ' He was greatly fluttered by this unexpected address from a stranger , and replied , in his slow way , 'I thank you , sir , you are very good . Thank you , sir . I hope YOU are well . ' 'You do n't remember me ? ' said I . 'Well , sir , ' returned Mr. Chillip , smiling very meekly , and shaking his head as he surveyed me , 'I have a kind of an impression that something in your countenance is familiar to me , sir ; but I could n't lay my hand upon your name , really . ' 'And yet you knew it , long before I knew it myself , ' I returned . 'Did I indeed , sir ? ' said Mr. Chillip . 'Is it possible that I had the honour , sir , of officiating when -- ? ' 'Yes , ' said I . 'Dear me ! ' cried Mr. Chillip . 'But no doubt you are a good deal changed since then , sir ? ' 'Probably , ' said I . 'Well , sir , ' observed Mr. Chillip , 'I hope you 'll excuse me , if I am compelled to ask the favour of your name ? ' On my telling him my name , he was really moved . He quite shook hands with me -- which was a violent proceeding for him , his usual course being to slide a tepid little fish-slice , an inch or two in advance of his hip , and evince the greatest discomposure when anybody grappled with it . Even now , he put his hand in his coat-pocket as soon as he could disengage it , and seemed relieved when he had got it safe back . 'Dear me , sir ! ' said Mr. Chillip , surveying me with his head on one side . 'And it 's Mr. Copperfield , is it ? Well , sir , I think I should have known you , if I had taken the liberty of looking more closely at you . There 's a strong resemblance between you and your poor father , sir . ' 'I never had the happiness of seeing my father , ' I observed . 'Very true , sir , ' said Mr. Chillip , in a soothing tone . 'And very much to be deplored it was , on all accounts ! We are not ignorant , sir , ' said Mr. Chillip , slowly shaking his little head again , 'down in our part of the country , of your fame . There must be great excitement here , sir , ' said Mr. Chillip , tapping himself on the forehead with his forefinger . 'You must find it a trying occupation , sir ! ' 'What is your part of the country now ? ' I asked , seating myself near him . 'I am established within a few miles of Bury St. Edmund 's , sir , ' said Mr. Chillip . 'Mrs . Chillip , coming into a little property in that neighbourhood , under her father 's will , I bought a practice down there , in which you will be glad to hear I am doing well . My daughter is growing quite a tall lass now , sir , ' said Mr. Chillip , giving his little head another little shake . 'Her mother let down two tucks in her frocks only last week . Such is time , you see , sir ! ' As the little man put his now empty glass to his lips , when he made this reflection , I proposed to him to have it refilled , and I would keep him company with another . 'Well , sir , ' he returned , in his slow way , 'it's more than I am accustomed to ; but I ca n't deny myself the pleasure of your conversation . It seems but yesterday that I had the honour of attending you in the measles . You came through them charmingly , sir ! ' I acknowledged this compliment , and ordered the negus , which was soon produced . 'Quite an uncommon dissipation ! ' said Mr. Chillip , stirring it , 'but I ca n't resist so extraordinary an occasion . You have no family , sir ? ' I shook my head . 'I was aware that you sustained a bereavement , sir , some time ago , ' said Mr. Chillip . 'I heard it from your father-in-law 's sister . Very decided character there , sir ? ' 'Why , yes , ' said I , 'decided enough . Where did you see her , Mr . Chillip ? ' 'Are you not aware , sir , ' returned Mr. Chillip , with his placidest smile , 'that your father-in-law is again a neighbour of mine ? ' 'No , ' said I . 'He is indeed , sir ! ' said Mr. Chillip . 'Married a young lady of that part , with a very good little property , poor thing. -- -And this action of the brain now , sir ? Do n't you find it fatigue you ? ' said Mr. Chillip , looking at me like an admiring Robin . I waived that question , and returned to the Murdstones . 'I was aware of his being married again . Do you attend the family ? ' I asked . 'Not regularly . I have been called in , ' he replied . 'Strong phrenological developments of the organ of firmness , in Mr. Murdstone and his sister , sir . ' I replied with such an expressive look , that Mr. Chillip was emboldened by that , and the negus together , to give his head several short shakes , and thoughtfully exclaim , 'Ah , dear me ! We remember old times , Mr . Copperfield ! ' 'And the brother and sister are pursuing their old course , are they ? ' said I . 'Well , sir , ' replied Mr. Chillip , 'a medical man , being so much in families , ought to have neither eyes nor ears for anything but his profession . Still , I must say , they are very severe , sir : both as to this life and the next . ' 'The next will be regulated without much reference to them , I dare say , ' I returned : 'what are they doing as to this ? ' Mr. Chillip shook his head , stirred his negus , and sipped it . 'She was a charming woman , sir ! ' he observed in a plaintive manner . 'The present Mrs . Murdstone ? ' A charming woman indeed , sir , ' said Mr. Chillip ; 'as amiable , I am sure , as it was possible to be ! Mrs. Chillip 's opinion is , that her spirit has been entirely broken since her marriage , and that she is all but melancholy mad . And the ladies , ' observed Mr. Chillip , timorously , 'are great observers , sir . ' 'I suppose she was to be subdued and broken to their detestable mould , Heaven help her ! ' said I . 'And she has been . ' 'Well , sir , there were violent quarrels at first , I assure you , ' said Mr. Chillip ; 'but she is quite a shadow now . Would it be considered forward if I was to say to you , sir , in confidence , that since the sister came to help , the brother and sister between them have nearly reduced her to a state of imbecility ? ' I told him I could easily believe it . 'I have no hesitation in saying , ' said Mr. Chillip , fortifying himself with another sip of negus , 'between you and me , sir , that her mother died of it -- or that tyranny , gloom , and worry have made Mrs. Murdstone nearly imbecile . She was a lively young woman , sir , before marriage , and their gloom and austerity destroyed her . They go about with her , now , more like her keepers than her husband and sister-in-law . That was Mrs. Chillip 's remark to me , only last week . And I assure you , sir , the ladies are great observers . Mrs. Chillip herself is a great observer ! ' 'Does he gloomily profess to be ( I am ashamed to use the word in such association ) religious still ? ' I inquired . 'You anticipate , sir , ' said Mr. Chillip , his eyelids getting quite red with the unwonted stimulus in which he was indulging . 'One of Mrs. Chillip 's most impressive remarks . Mrs. Chillip , ' he proceeded , in the calmest and slowest manner , 'quite electrified me , by pointing out that Mr. Murdstone sets up an image of himself , and calls it the Divine Nature . You might have knocked me down on the flat of my back , sir , with the feather of a pen , I assure you , when Mrs. Chillip said so . The ladies are great observers , sir ? ' 'Intuitively , ' said I , to his extreme delight . 'I am very happy to receive such support in my opinion , sir , ' he rejoined . 'It is not often that I venture to give a non-medical opinion , I assure you . Mr. Murdstone delivers public addresses sometimes , and it is said , -- in short , sir , it is said by Mrs. Chillip , -- that the darker tyrant he has lately been , the more ferocious is his doctrine . ' 'I believe Mrs. Chillip to be perfectly right , ' said I . 'Mrs . Chillip does go so far as to say , ' pursued the meekest of little men , much encouraged , 'that what such people miscall their religion , is a vent for their bad humours and arrogance . And do you know I must say , sir , ' he continued , mildly laying his head on one side , 'that I DON'T find authority for Mr. and Miss Murdstone in the New Testament ? ' 'I never found it either ! ' said I . 'In the meantime , sir , ' said Mr. Chillip , 'they are much disliked ; and as they are very free in consigning everybody who dislikes them to perdition , we really have a good deal of perdition going on in our neighbourhood ! However , as Mrs. Chillip says , sir , they undergo a continual punishment ; for they are turned inward , to feed upon their own hearts , and their own hearts are very bad feeding . Now , sir , about that brain of yours , if you 'll excuse my returning to it . Do n't you expose it to a good deal of excitement , sir ? ' I found it not difficult , in the excitement of Mr. Chillip 's own brain , under his potations of negus , to divert his attention from this topic to his own affairs , on which , for the next half-hour , he was quite loquacious ; giving me to understand , among other pieces of information , that he was then at the Gray 's Inn Coffee-house to lay his professional evidence before a Commission of Lunacy , touching the state of mind of a patient who had become deranged from excessive drinking . 'And I assure you , sir , ' he said , 'I am extremely nervous on such occasions . I could not support being what is called Bullied , sir . It would quite unman me . Do you know it was some time before I recovered the conduct of that alarming lady , on the night of your birth , Mr . Copperfield ? ' I told him that I was going down to my aunt , the Dragon of that night , early in the morning ; and that she was one of the most tender-hearted and excellent of women , as he would know full well if he knew her better . The mere notion of the possibility of his ever seeing her again , appeared to terrify him . He replied with a small pale smile , 'Is she so , indeed , sir ? Really ? ' and almost immediately called for a candle , and went to bed , as if he were not quite safe anywhere else . He did not actually stagger under the negus ; but I should think his placid little pulse must have made two or three more beats in a minute , than it had done since the great night of my aunt 's disappointment , when she struck at him with her bonnet . Thoroughly tired , I went to bed too , at midnight ; passed the next day on the Dover coach ; burst safe and sound into my aunt 's old parlour while she was at tea ( she wore spectacles now ) ; and was received by her , and Mr. Dick , and dear old Peggotty , who acted as housekeeper , with open arms and tears of joy . My aunt was mightily amused , when we began to talk composedly , by my account of my meeting with Mr. Chillip , and of his holding her in such dread remembrance ; and both she and Peggotty had a great deal to say about my poor mother 's second husband , and 'that murdering woman of a sister ' , -- on whom I think no pain or penalty would have induced my aunt to bestow any Christian or Proper Name , or any other designation . CHAPTER 60 . AGNES My aunt and I , when we were left alone , talked far into the night . How the emigrants never wrote home , otherwise than cheerfully and hopefully ; how Mr. Micawber had actually remitted divers small sums of money , on account of those 'pecuniary liabilities ' , in reference to which he had been so business-like as between man and man ; how Janet , returning into my aunt 's service when she came back to Dover , had finally carried out her renunciation of mankind by entering into wedlock with a thriving tavern-keeper ; and how my aunt had finally set her seal on the same great principle , by aiding and abetting the bride , and crowning the marriage-ceremony with her presence ; were among our topics -- already more or less familiar to me through the letters I had had . Mr. Dick , as usual , was not forgotten . My aunt informed me how he incessantly occupied himself in copying everything he could lay his hands on , and kept King Charles the First at a respectful distance by that semblance of employment ; how it was one of the main joys and rewards of her life that he was free and happy , instead of pining in monotonous restraint ; and how ( as a novel general conclusion ) nobody but she could ever fully know what he was . 'And when , Trot , ' said my aunt , patting the back of my hand , as we sat in our old way before the fire , 'when are you going over to Canterbury ? ' 'I shall get a horse , and ride over tomorrow morning , aunt , unless you will go with me ? ' 'No ! ' said my aunt , in her short abrupt way . 'I mean to stay where I am . ' Then , I should ride , I said . I could not have come through Canterbury today without stopping , if I had been coming to anyone but her . She was pleased , but answered , 'Tut , Trot ; MY old bones would have kept till tomorrow ! ' and softly patted my hand again , as I sat looking thoughtfully at the fire . Thoughtfully , for I could not be here once more , and so near Agnes , without the revival of those regrets with which I had so long been occupied . Softened regrets they might be , teaching me what I had failed to learn when my younger life was all before me , but not the less regrets . 'Oh , Trot , ' I seemed to hear my aunt say once more ; and I understood her better now -- 'Blind , blind , blind ! ' We both kept silence for some minutes . When I raised my eyes , I found that she was steadily observant of me . Perhaps she had followed the current of my mind ; for it seemed to me an easy one to track now , wilful as it had been once . 'You will find her father a white-haired old man , ' said my aunt , 'though a better man in all other respects -- a reclaimed man . Neither will you find him measuring all human interests , and joys , and sorrows , with his one poor little inch-rule now . Trust me , child , such things must shrink very much , before they can be measured off in that way . ' 'Indeed they must , ' said I . 'You will find her , ' pursued my aunt , 'as good , as beautiful , as earnest , as disinterested , as she has always been . If I knew higher praise , Trot , I would bestow it on her . ' There was no higher praise for her ; no higher reproach for me . Oh , how had I strayed so far away ! 'If she trains the young girls whom she has about her , to be like herself , ' said my aunt , earnest even to the filling of her eyes with tears , 'Heaven knows , her life will be well employed ! Useful and happy , as she said that day ! How could she be otherwise than useful and happy ! ' 'Has Agnes any -- ' I was thinking aloud , rather than speaking . 'Well ? Hey ? Any what ? ' said my aunt , sharply . 'Any lover , ' said I . 'A score , ' cried my aunt , with a kind of indignant pride . 'She might have married twenty times , my dear , since you have been gone ! ' 'No doubt , ' said I . 'No doubt . But has she any lover who is worthy of her ? Agnes could care for no other . ' My aunt sat musing for a little while , with her chin upon her hand . Slowly raising her eyes to mine , she said : 'I suspect she has an attachment , Trot . ' 'A prosperous one ? ' said I . 'Trot , ' returned my aunt gravely , 'I ca n't say . I have no right to tell you even so much . She has never confided it to me , but I suspect it . ' She looked so attentively and anxiously at me ( I even saw her tremble ) , that I felt now , more than ever , that she had followed my late thoughts . I summoned all the resolutions I had made , in all those many days and nights , and all those many conflicts of my heart . 'If it should be so , ' I began , 'and I hope it is-' 'I do n't know that it is , ' said my aunt curtly . 'You must not be ruled by my suspicions . You must keep them secret . They are very slight , perhaps . I have no right to speak . ' 'If it should be so , ' I repeated , 'Agnes will tell me at her own good time . A sister to whom I have confided so much , aunt , will not be reluctant to confide in me . ' My aunt withdrew her eyes from mine , as slowly as she had turned them upon me ; and covered them thoughtfully with her hand . By and by she put her other hand on my shoulder ; and so we both sat , looking into the past , without saying another word , until we parted for the night . I rode away , early in the morning , for the scene of my old school-days . I can not say that I was yet quite happy , in the hope that I was gaining a victory over myself ; even in the prospect of so soon looking on her face again . The well-remembered ground was soon traversed , and I came into the quiet streets , where every stone was a boy 's book to me . I went on foot to the old house , and went away with a heart too full to enter . I returned ; and looking , as I passed , through the low window of the turret-room where first Uriah Heep , and afterwards Mr. Micawber , had been wont to sit , saw that it was a little parlour now , and that there was no office . Otherwise the staid old house was , as to its cleanliness and order , still just as it had been when I first saw it . I requested the new maid who admitted me , to tell Miss Wickfield that a gentleman who waited on her from a friend abroad , was there ; and I was shown up the grave old staircase ( cautioned of the steps I knew so well ) , into the unchanged drawing-room . The books that Agnes and I had read together , were on their shelves ; and the desk where I had laboured at my lessons , many a night , stood yet at the same old corner of the table . All the little changes that had crept in when the Heeps were there , were changed again . Everything was as it used to be , in the happy time . I stood in a window , and looked across the ancient street at the opposite houses , recalling how I had watched them on wet afternoons , when I first came there ; and how I had used to speculate about the people who appeared at any of the windows , and had followed them with my eyes up and down stairs , while women went clicking along the pavement in pattens , and the dull rain fell in slanting lines , and poured out of the water-spout yonder , and flowed into the road . The feeling with which I used to watch the tramps , as they came into the town on those wet evenings , at dusk , and limped past , with their bundles drooping over their shoulders at the ends of sticks , came freshly back to me ; fraught , as then , with the smell of damp earth , and wet leaves and briar , and the sensation of the very airs that blew upon me in my own toilsome journey . The opening of the little door in the panelled wall made me start and turn . Her beautiful serene eyes met mine as she came towards me . She stopped and laid her hand upon her bosom , and I caught her in my arms . 'Agnes ! my dear girl ! I have come too suddenly upon you . ' 'No , no ! I am so rejoiced to see you , Trotwood ! ' 'Dear Agnes , the happiness it is to me , to see you once again ! ' I folded her to my heart , and , for a little while , we were both silent . Presently we sat down , side by side ; and her angel-face was turned upon me with the welcome I had dreamed of , waking and sleeping , for whole years . She was so true , she was so beautiful , she was so good , -- I owed her so much gratitude , she was so dear to me , that I could find no utterance for what I felt . I tried to bless her , tried to thank her , tried to tell her ( as I had often done in letters ) what an influence she had upon me ; but all my efforts were in vain . My love and joy were dumb . With her own sweet tranquillity , she calmed my agitation ; led me back to the time of our parting ; spoke to me of Emily , whom she had visited , in secret , many times ; spoke to me tenderly of Dora 's grave . With the unerring instinct of her noble heart , she touched the chords of my memory so softly and harmoniously , that not one jarred within me ; I could listen to the sorrowful , distant music , and desire to shrink from nothing it awoke . How could I , when , blended with it all , was her dear self , the better angel of my life ? 'And you , Agnes , ' I said , by and by . 'Tell me of yourself . You have hardly ever told me of your own life , in all this lapse of time ! ' 'What should I tell ? ' she answered , with her radiant smile . 'Papa is well . You see us here , quiet in our own home ; our anxieties set at rest , our home restored to us ; and knowing that , dear Trotwood , you know all . ' 'All , Agnes ? ' said I . She looked at me , with some fluttering wonder in her face . 'Is there nothing else , Sister ? ' I said . Her colour , which had just now faded , returned , and faded again . She smiled ; with a quiet sadness , I thought ; and shook her head . I had sought to lead her to what my aunt had hinted at ; for , sharply painful to me as it must be to receive that confidence , I was to discipline my heart , and do my duty to her . I saw , however , that she was uneasy , and I let it pass . 'You have much to do , dear Agnes ? ' 'With my school ? ' said she , looking up again , in all her bright composure . 'Yes . It is laborious , is it not ? ' 'The labour is so pleasant , ' she returned , 'that it is scarcely grateful in me to call it by that name . ' 'Nothing good is difficult to you , ' said I . Her colour came and went once more ; and once more , as she bent her head , I saw the same sad smile . 'You will wait and see papa , ' said Agnes , cheerfully , 'and pass the day with us ? Perhaps you will sleep in your own room ? We always call it yours . ' I could not do that , having promised to ride back to my aunt 's at night ; but I would pass the day there , joyfully . 'I must be a prisoner for a little while , ' said Agnes , 'but here are the old books , Trotwood , and the old music . ' 'Even the old flowers are here , ' said I , looking round ; 'or the old kinds . ' 'I have found a pleasure , ' returned Agnes , smiling , 'while you have been absent , in keeping everything as it used to be when we were children . For we were very happy then , I think . ' 'Heaven knows we were ! ' said I . 'And every little thing that has reminded me of my brother , ' said Agnes , with her cordial eyes turned cheerfully upon me , 'has been a welcome companion . Even this , ' showing me the basket-trifle , full of keys , still hanging at her side , 'seems to jingle a kind of old tune ! ' She smiled again , and went out at the door by which she had come . It was for me to guard this sisterly affection with religious care . It was all that I had left myself , and it was a treasure . If I once shook the foundations of the sacred confidence and usage , in virtue of which it was given to me , it was lost , and could never be recovered . I set this steadily before myself . The better I loved her , the more it behoved me never to forget it . I walked through the streets ; and , once more seeing my old adversary the butcher -- now a constable , with his staff hanging up in the shop -- went down to look at the place where I had fought him ; and there meditated on Miss Shepherd and the eldest Miss Larkins , and all the idle loves and likings , and dislikings , of that time . Nothing seemed to have survived that time but Agnes ; and she , ever a star above me , was brighter and higher . When I returned , Mr. Wickfield had come home , from a garden he had , a couple of miles or so out of town , where he now employed himself almost every day . I found him as my aunt had described him . We sat down to dinner , with some half-dozen little girls ; and he seemed but the shadow of his handsome picture on the wall . The tranquillity and peace belonging , of old , to that quiet ground in my memory , pervaded it again . When dinner was done , Mr. Wickfield taking no wine , and I desiring none , we went up-stairs ; where Agnes and her little charges sang and played , and worked . After tea the children left us ; and we three sat together , talking of the bygone days . 'My part in them , ' said Mr. Wickfield , shaking his white head , 'has much matter for regret -- for deep regret , and deep contrition , Trotwood , you well know . But I would not cancel it , if it were in my power . ' I could readily believe that , looking at the face beside him . 'I should cancel with it , ' he pursued , 'such patience and devotion , such fidelity , such a child 's love , as I must not forget , no ! even to forget myself . ' 'I understand you , sir , ' I softly said . 'I hold it -- I have always held it -- in veneration . ' 'But no one knows , not even you , ' he returned , 'how much she has done , how much she has undergone , how hard she has striven . Dear Agnes ! ' She had put her hand entreatingly on his arm , to stop him ; and was very , very pale . 'Well , well ! ' he said with a sigh , dismissing , as I then saw , some trial she had borne , or was yet to bear , in connexion with what my aunt had told me . 'Well ! I have never told you , Trotwood , of her mother . Has anyone ? ' 'Never , sir . ' 'It 's not much -- though it was much to suffer . She married me in opposition to her father 's wish , and he renounced her . She prayed him to forgive her , before my Agnes came into this world . He was a very hard man , and her mother had long been dead . He repulsed her . He broke her heart . ' Agnes leaned upon his shoulder , and stole her arm about his neck . 'She had an affectionate and gentle heart , ' he said ; 'and it was broken . I knew its tender nature very well . No one could , if I did not . She loved me dearly , but was never happy . She was always labouring , in secret , under this distress ; and being delicate and downcast at the time of his last repulse -- for it was not the first , by many -- pined away and died . She left me Agnes , two weeks old ; and the grey hair that you recollect me with , when you first came . ' He kissed Agnes on her cheek . 'My love for my dear child was a diseased love , but my mind was all unhealthy then . I say no more of that . I am not speaking of myself , Trotwood , but of her mother , and of her . If I give you any clue to what I am , or to what I have been , you will unravel it , I know . What Agnes is , I need not say . I have always read something of her poor mother's story , in her character ; and so I tell it you tonight , when we three are again together , after such great changes . I have told it all . ' His bowed head , and her angel-face and filial duty , derived a more pathetic meaning from it than they had had before . If I had wanted anything by which to mark this night of our re-union , I should have found it in this . Agnes rose up from her father 's side , before long ; and going softly to her piano , played some of the old airs to which we had often listened in that place . 'Have you any intention of going away again ? ' Agnes asked me , as I was standing by . 'What does my sister say to that ? ' 'I hope not . ' 'Then I have no such intention , Agnes . ' 'I think you ought not , Trotwood , since you ask me , ' she said , mildly . 'Your growing reputation and success enlarge your power of doing good ; and if I could spare my brother , ' with her eyes upon me , 'perhaps the time could not . ' 'What I am , you have made me , Agnes . You should know best . ' 'I made you , Trotwood ? ' 'Yes ! Agnes , my dear girl ! ' I said , bending over her . 'I tried to tell you , when we met today , something that has been in my thoughts since Dora died . You remember , when you came down to me in our little room -- pointing upward , Agnes ? ' 'Oh , Trotwood ! ' she returned , her eyes filled with tears . 'So loving , so confiding , and so young ! Can I ever forget ? ' 'As you were then , my sister , I have often thought since , you have ever been to me . Ever pointing upward , Agnes ; ever leading me to something better ; ever directing me to higher things ! ' She only shook her head ; through her tears I saw the same sad quiet smile . 'And I am so grateful to you for it , Agnes , so bound to you , that there is no name for the affection of my heart . I want you to know , yet don't know how to tell you , that all my life long I shall look up to you , and be guided by you , as I have been through the darkness that is past . Whatever betides , whatever new ties you may form , whatever changes may come between us , I shall always look to you , and love you , as I do now , and have always done . You will always be my solace and resource , as you have always been . Until I die , my dearest sister , I shall see you always before me , pointing upward ! ' She put her hand in mine , and told me she was proud of me , and of what I said ; although I praised her very far beyond her worth . Then she went on softly playing , but without removing her eyes from me . 'Do you know , what I have heard tonight , Agnes , ' said I , strangely seems to be a part of the feeling with which I regarded you when I saw you first -- with which I sat beside you in my rough school-days ? ' 'You knew I had no mother , ' she replied with a smile , 'and felt kindly towards me . ' 'More than that , Agnes , I knew , almost as if I had known this story , that there was something inexplicably gentle and softened , surrounding you ; something that might have been sorrowful in someone else ( as I can now understand it was ) , but was not so in you . ' She softly played on , looking at me still . 'Will you laugh at my cherishing such fancies , Agnes ? ' 'No ! ' 'Or at my saying that I really believe I felt , even then , that you could be faithfully affectionate against all discouragement , and never cease to be so , until you ceased to live ? -- -Will you laugh at such a dream ? ' 'Oh , no ! Oh , no ! ' For an instant , a distressful shadow crossed her face ; but , even in the start it gave me , it was gone ; and she was playing on , and looking at me with her own calm smile . As I rode back in the lonely night , the wind going by me like a restless memory , I thought of this , and feared she was not happy . I was not happy ; but , thus far , I had faithfully set the seal upon the Past , and , thinking of her , pointing upward , thought of her as pointing to that sky above me , where , in the mystery to come , I might yet love her with a love unknown on earth , and tell her what the strife had been within me when I loved her here . CHAPTER 61 . I AM SHOWN TWO INTERESTING PENITENTS For a time -- at all events until my book should be completed , which would be the work of several months -- I took up my abode in my aunt 's house at Dover ; and there , sitting in the window from which I had looked out at the moon upon the sea , when that roof first gave me shelter , I quietly pursued my task . In pursuance of my intention of referring to my own fictions only when their course should incidentally connect itself with the progress of my story , I do not enter on the aspirations , the delights , anxieties , and triumphs of my art . That I truly devoted myself to it with my strongest earnestness , and bestowed upon it every energy of my soul , I have already said . If the books I have written be of any worth , they will supply the rest . I shall otherwise have written to poor purpose , and the rest will be of interest to no one . Occasionally , I went to London ; to lose myself in the swarm of life there , or to consult with Traddles on some business point . He had managed for me , in my absence , with the soundest judgement ; and my worldly affairs were prospering . As my notoriety began to bring upon me an enormous quantity of letters from people of whom I had no knowledge -- chiefly about nothing , and extremely difficult to answer -- I agreed with Traddles to have my name painted up on his door . There , the devoted postman on that beat delivered bushels of letters for me ; and there , at intervals , I laboured through them , like a Home Secretary of State without the salary . Among this correspondence , there dropped in , every now and then , an obliging proposal from one of the numerous outsiders always lurking about the Commons , to practise under cover of my name ( if I would take the necessary steps remaining to make a proctor of myself ) , and pay me a percentage on the profits . But I declined these offers ; being already aware that there were plenty of such covert practitioners in existence , and considering the Commons quite bad enough , without my doing anything to make it worse . The girls had gone home , when my name burst into bloom on Traddles's door ; and the sharp boy looked , all day , as if he had never heard of Sophy , shut up in a back room , glancing down from her work into a sooty little strip of garden with a pump in it . But there I always found her , the same bright housewife ; often humming her Devonshire ballads when no strange foot was coming up the stairs , and blunting the sharp boy in his official closet with melody . I wondered , at first , why I so often found Sophy writing in a copy-book ; and why she always shut it up when I appeared , and hurried it into the table-drawer . But the secret soon came out . One day , Traddles ( who had just come home through the drizzling sleet from Court ) took a paper out of his desk , and asked me what I thought of that handwriting ? 'Oh , DO N'T , Tom ! ' cried Sophy , who was warming his slippers before the fire . 'My dear , ' returned Tom , in a delighted state , 'why not ? What do you say to that writing , Copperfield ? ' 'It 's extraordinarily legal and formal , ' said I . 'I do n't think I ever saw such a stiff hand . ' 'Not like a lady 's hand , is it ? ' said Traddles . 'A lady 's ! ' I repeated . 'Bricks and mortar are more like a lady 's hand ! ' Traddles broke into a rapturous laugh , and informed me that it was Sophy 's writing ; that Sophy had vowed and declared he would need a copying-clerk soon , and she would be that clerk ; that she had acquired this hand from a pattern ; and that she could throw off -- I forget how many folios an hour . Sophy was very much confused by my being told all this , and said that when 'Tom ' was made a judge he would n't be so ready to proclaim it . Which 'Tom ' denied ; averring that he should always be equally proud of it , under all circumstances . 'What a thoroughly good and charming wife she is , my dear Traddles ! ' said I , when she had gone away , laughing . 'My dear Copperfield , ' returned Traddles , 'she is , without any exception , the dearest girl ! The way she manages this place ; her punctuality , domestic knowledge , economy , and order ; her cheerfulness , Copperfield ! ' 'Indeed , you have reason to commend her ! ' I returned . 'You are a happy fellow . I believe you make yourselves , and each other , two of the happiest people in the world . ' 'I am sure we ARE two of the happiest people , ' returned Traddles . 'I admit that , at all events . Bless my soul , when I see her getting up by candle-light on these dark mornings , busying herself in the day's arrangements , going out to market before the clerks come into the Inn , caring for no weather , devising the most capital little dinners out of the plainest materials , making puddings and pies , keeping everything in its right place , always so neat and ornamental herself , sitting up at night with me if it 's ever so late , sweet-tempered and encouraging always , and all for me , I positively sometimes ca n't believe it , Copperfield ! ' He was tender of the very slippers she had been warming , as he put them on , and stretched his feet enjoyingly upon the fender . 'I positively sometimes ca n't believe it , ' said Traddles . 'Then our pleasures ! Dear me , they are inexpensive , but they are quite wonderful ! When we are at home here , of an evening , and shut the outer door , and draw those curtains -- which she made -- where could we be more snug ? When it 's fine , and we go out for a walk in the evening , the streets abound in enjoyment for us . We look into the glittering windows of the jewellers ' shops ; and I show Sophy which of the diamond-eyed serpents , coiled up on white satin rising grounds , I would give her if I could afford it ; and Sophy shows me which of the gold watches that are capped and jewelled and engine-turned , and possessed of the horizontal lever-escape-movement , and all sorts of things , she would buy for me if she could afford it ; and we pick out the spoons and forks , fish-slices , butter-knives , and sugar-tongs , we should both prefer if we could both afford it ; and really we go away as if we had got them ! Then , when we stroll into the squares , and great streets , and see a house to let , sometimes we look up at it , and say , how would THAT do , if I was made a judge ? And we parcel it out -- such a room for us , such rooms for the girls , and so forth ; until we settle to our satisfaction that it would do , or it would n't do , as the case may be . Sometimes , we go at half-price to the pit of the theatre -- the very smell of which is cheap , in my opinion , at the money -- and there we thoroughly enjoy the play : which Sophy believes every word of , and so do I . In walking home , perhaps we buy a little bit of something at a cook's-shop , or a little lobster at the fishmongers , and bring it here , and make a splendid supper , chatting about what we have seen . Now , you know , Copperfield , if I was Lord Chancellor , we could n't do this ! ' 'You would do something , whatever you were , my dear Traddles , ' thought I , 'that would be pleasant and amiable . And by the way , ' I said aloud , 'I suppose you never draw any skeletons now ? ' 'Really , ' replied Traddles , laughing , and reddening , 'I ca n't wholly deny that I do , my dear Copperfield . For being in one of the back rows of the King 's Bench the other day , with a pen in my hand , the fancy came into my head to try how I had preserved that accomplishment . And I am afraid there 's a skeleton -- in a wig -- on the ledge of the desk . ' After we had both laughed heartily , Traddles wound up by looking with a smile at the fire , and saying , in his forgiving way , 'Old Creakle ! ' 'I have a letter from that old -- Rascal here , ' said I . For I never was less disposed to forgive him the way he used to batter Traddles , than when I saw Traddles so ready to forgive him himself . 'From Creakle the schoolmaster ? ' exclaimed Traddles . 'No ! ' 'Among the persons who are attracted to me in my rising fame and fortune , ' said I , looking over my letters , 'and who discover that they were always much attached to me , is the self-same Creakle . He is not a schoolmaster now , Traddles . He is retired . He is a Middlesex Magistrate . ' I thought Traddles might be surprised to hear it , but he was not so at all . 'How do you suppose he comes to be a Middlesex Magistrate ? ' said I . 'Oh dear me ! ' replied Traddles , 'it would be very difficult to answer that question . Perhaps he voted for somebody , or lent money to somebody , or bought something of somebody , or otherwise obliged somebody , or jobbed for somebody , who knew somebody who got the lieutenant of the county to nominate him for the commission . ' 'On the commission he is , at any rate , ' said I . 'And he writes to me here , that he will be glad to show me , in operation , the only true system of prison discipline ; the only unchallengeable way of making sincere and lasting converts and penitents -- which , you know , is by solitary confinement . What do you say ? ' 'To the system ? ' inquired Traddles , looking grave . 'No . To my accepting the offer , and your going with me ? ' 'I do n't object , ' said Traddles . 'Then I 'll write to say so . You remember ( to say nothing of our treatment ) this same Creakle turning his son out of doors , I suppose , and the life he used to lead his wife and daughter ? ' 'Perfectly , ' said Traddles . 'Yet , if you 'll read his letter , you 'll find he is the tenderest of men to prisoners convicted of the whole calendar of felonies , ' said I ; 'though I ca n't find that his tenderness extends to any other class of created beings . ' Traddles shrugged his shoulders , and was not at all surprised . I had not expected him to be , and was not surprised myself ; or my observation of similar practical satires would have been but scanty . We arranged the time of our visit , and I wrote accordingly to Mr. Creakle that evening . On the appointed day -- I think it was the next day , but no matter -- Traddles and I repaired to the prison where Mr. Creakle was powerful . It was an immense and solid building , erected at a vast expense . I could not help thinking , as we approached the gate , what an uproar would have been made in the country , if any deluded man had proposed to spend one half the money it had cost , on the erection of an industrial school for the young , or a house of refuge for the deserving old . In an office that might have been on the ground-floor of the Tower of Babel , it was so massively constructed , we were presented to our old schoolmaster ; who was one of a group , composed of two or three of the busier sort of magistrates , and some visitors they had brought . He received me , like a man who had formed my mind in bygone years , and had always loved me tenderly . On my introducing Traddles , Mr. Creakle expressed , in like manner , but in an inferior degree , that he had always been Traddles 's guide , philosopher , and friend . Our venerable instructor was a great deal older , and not improved in appearance . His face was as fiery as ever ; his eyes were as small , and rather deeper set . The scanty , wet-looking grey hair , by which I remembered him , was almost gone ; and the thick veins in his bald head were none the more agreeable to look at . After some conversation among these gentlemen , from which I might have supposed that there was nothing in the world to be legitimately taken into account but the supreme comfort of prisoners , at any expense , and nothing on the wide earth to be done outside prison-doors , we began our inspection . It being then just dinner-time , we went , first into the great kitchen , where every prisoner 's dinner was in course of being set out separately ( to be handed to him in his cell ) , with the regularity and precision of clock-work . I said aside , to Traddles , that I wondered whether it occurred to anybody , that there was a striking contrast between these plentiful repasts of choice quality , and the dinners , not to say of paupers , but of soldiers , sailors , labourers , the great bulk of the honest , working community ; of whom not one man in five hundred ever dined half so well . But I learned that the 'system ' required high living ; and , in short , to dispose of the system , once for all , I found that on that head and on all others , 'the system ' put an end to all doubts , and disposed of all anomalies . Nobody appeared to have the least idea that there was any other system , but THE system , to be considered . As we were going through some of the magnificent passages , I inquired of Mr. Creakle and his friends what were supposed to be the main advantages of this all-governing and universally over-riding system ? I found them to be the perfect isolation of prisoners -- so that no one man in confinement there , knew anything about another ; and the reduction of prisoners to a wholesome state of mind , leading to sincere contrition and repentance . Now , it struck me , when we began to visit individuals in their cells , and to traverse the passages in which those cells were , and to have the manner of the going to chapel and so forth , explained to us , that there was a strong probability of the prisoners knowing a good deal about each other , and of their carrying on a pretty complete system of intercourse . This , at the time I write , has been proved , I believe , to be the case ; but , as it would have been flat blasphemy against the system to have hinted such a doubt then , I looked out for the penitence as diligently as I could . And here again , I had great misgivings . I found as prevalent a fashion in the form of the penitence , as I had left outside in the forms of the coats and waistcoats in the windows of the tailors ' shops . I found a vast amount of profession , varying very little in character : varying very little ( which I thought exceedingly suspicious ) , even in words . I found a great many foxes , disparaging whole vineyards of inaccessible grapes ; but I found very few foxes whom I would have trusted within reach of a bunch . Above all , I found that the most professing men were the greatest objects of interest ; and that their conceit , their vanity , their want of excitement , and their love of deception ( which many of them possessed to an almost incredible extent , as their histories showed ) , all prompted to these professions , and were all gratified by them . However , I heard so repeatedly , in the course of our goings to and fro , of a certain Number Twenty Seven , who was the Favourite , and who really appeared to be a Model Prisoner , that I resolved to suspend my judgement until I should see Twenty Seven . Twenty Eight , I understood , was also a bright particular star ; but it was his misfortune to have his glory a little dimmed by the extraordinary lustre of Twenty Seven . I heard so much of Twenty Seven , of his pious admonitions to everybody around him , and of the beautiful letters he constantly wrote to his mother ( whom he seemed to consider in a very bad way ) , that I became quite impatient to see him . I had to restrain my impatience for some time , on account of Twenty Seven being reserved for a concluding effect . But , at last , we came to the door of his cell ; and Mr. Creakle , looking through a little hole in it , reported to us , in a state of the greatest admiration , that he was reading a Hymn Book . There was such a rush of heads immediately , to see Number Twenty Seven reading his Hymn Book , that the little hole was blocked up , six or seven heads deep . To remedy this inconvenience , and give us an opportunity of conversing with Twenty Seven in all his purity , Mr. Creakle directed the door of the cell to be unlocked , and Twenty Seven to be invited out into the passage . This was done ; and whom should Traddles and I then behold , to our amazement , in this converted Number Twenty Seven , but Uriah Heep ! He knew us directly ; and said , as he came out -- with the old writhe , -- 'How do you do , Mr. Copperfield ? How do you do , Mr . Traddles ? ' This recognition caused a general admiration in the party . I rather thought that everyone was struck by his not being proud , and taking notice of us . 'Well , Twenty Seven , ' said Mr. Creakle , mournfully admiring him . 'How do you find yourself today ? ' 'I am very umble , sir ! ' replied Uriah Heep . 'You are always so , Twenty Seven , ' said Mr. Creakle . Here , another gentleman asked , with extreme anxiety : 'Are you quite comfortable ? ' 'Yes , I thank you , sir ! ' said Uriah Heep , looking in that direction . 'Far more comfortable here , than ever I was outside . I see my follies , now , sir . That 's what makes me comfortable . ' Several gentlemen were much affected ; and a third questioner , forcing himself to the front , inquired with extreme feeling : 'How do you find the beef ? ' 'Thank you , sir , ' replied Uriah , glancing in the new direction of this voice , 'it was tougher yesterday than I could wish ; but it 's my duty to bear . I have committed follies , gentlemen , ' said Uriah , looking round with a meek smile , 'and I ought to bear the consequences without repining . ' A murmur , partly of gratification at Twenty Seven 's celestial state of mind , and partly of indignation against the Contractor who had given him any cause of complaint ( a note of which was immediately made by Mr. Creakle ) , having subsided , Twenty Seven stood in the midst of us , as if he felt himself the principal object of merit in a highly meritorious museum . That we , the neophytes , might have an excess of light shining upon us all at once , orders were given to let out Twenty Eight . I had been so much astonished already , that I only felt a kind of resigned wonder when Mr. Littimer walked forth , reading a good book ! 'Twenty Eight , ' said a gentleman in spectacles , who had not yet spoken , 'you complained last week , my good fellow , of the cocoa . How has it been since ? ' 'I thank you , sir , ' said Mr. Littimer , 'it has been better made . If I might take the liberty of saying so , sir , I do n't think the milk which is boiled with it is quite genuine ; but I am aware , sir , that there is a great adulteration of milk , in London , and that the article in a pure state is difficult to be obtained . ' It appeared to me that the gentleman in spectacles backed his Twenty Eight against Mr. Creakle 's Twenty Seven , for each of them took his own man in hand . 'What is your state of mind , Twenty Eight ? ' said the questioner in spectacles . 'I thank you , sir , ' returned Mr. Littimer ; 'I see my follies now , sir . I am a good deal troubled when I think of the sins of my former companions , sir ; but I trust they may find forgiveness . ' 'You are quite happy yourself ? ' said the questioner , nodding encouragement . 'I am much obliged to you , sir , ' returned Mr. Littimer . 'Perfectly so . ' 'Is there anything at all on your mind now ? ' said the questioner . 'If so , mention it , Twenty Eight . ' 'Sir , ' said Mr. Littimer , without looking up , 'if my eyes have not deceived me , there is a gentleman present who was acquainted with me in my former life . It may be profitable to that gentleman to know , sir , that I attribute my past follies , entirely to having lived a thoughtless life in the service of young men ; and to having allowed myself to be led by them into weaknesses , which I had not the strength to resist . I hope that gentleman will take warning , sir , and will not be offended at my freedom . It is for his good . I am conscious of my own past follies . I hope he may repent of all the wickedness and sin to which he has been a party . ' I observed that several gentlemen were shading their eyes , each with one hand , as if they had just come into church . 'This does you credit , Twenty Eight , ' returned the questioner . 'I should have expected it of you . Is there anything else ? ' 'Sir , ' returned Mr. Littimer , slightly lifting up his eyebrows , but not his eyes , 'there was a young woman who fell into dissolute courses , that I endeavoured to save , sir , but could not rescue . I beg that gentleman , if he has it in his power , to inform that young woman from me that I forgive her her bad conduct towards myself , and that I call her to repentance -- if he will be so good . ' 'I have no doubt , Twenty Eight , ' returned the questioner , 'that the gentleman you refer to feels very strongly -- as we all must -- what you have so properly said . We will not detain you . ' 'I thank you , sir , ' said Mr. Littimer . 'Gentlemen , I wish you a good day , and hoping you and your families will also see your wickedness , and amend ! ' With this , Number Twenty Eight retired , after a glance between him and Uriah ; as if they were not altogether unknown to each other , through some medium of communication ; and a murmur went round the group , as his door shut upon him , that he was a most respectable man , and a beautiful case . 'Now , Twenty Seven , ' said Mr. Creakle , entering on a clear stage with his man , 'is there anything that anyone can do for you ? If so , mention it . ' 'I would umbly ask , sir , ' returned Uriah , with a jerk of his malevolent head , 'for leave to write again to mother . ' 'It shall certainly be granted , ' said Mr. Creakle . 'Thank you , sir ! I am anxious about mother . I am afraid she ai n't safe . ' Somebody incautiously asked , what from ? But there was a scandalized whisper of 'Hush ! ' 'Immortally safe , sir , ' returned Uriah , writhing in the direction of the voice . 'I should wish mother to be got into my state . I never should have been got into my present state if I had n't come here . I wish mother had come here . It would be better for everybody , if they got took up , and was brought here . ' This sentiment gave unbounded satisfaction -- greater satisfaction , I think , than anything that had passed yet . 'Before I come here , ' said Uriah , stealing a look at us , as if he would have blighted the outer world to which we belonged , if he could , 'I was given to follies ; but now I am sensible of my follies . There 's a deal of sin outside . There 's a deal of sin in mother . There 's nothing but sin everywhere -- except here . ' 'You are quite changed ? ' said Mr. Creakle . 'Oh dear , yes , sir ! ' cried this hopeful penitent . 'You would n't relapse , if you were going out ? ' asked somebody else . 'Oh de-ar no , sir ! ' 'Well ! ' said Mr. Creakle , 'this is very gratifying . You have addressed Mr. Copperfield , Twenty Seven . Do you wish to say anything further to him ? ' 'You knew me , a long time before I came here and was changed , Mr. Copperfield , ' said Uriah , looking at me ; and a more villainous look I never saw , even on his visage . 'You knew me when , in spite of my follies , I was umble among them that was proud , and meek among them that was violent -- you was violent to me yourself , Mr. Copperfield . Once , you struck me a blow in the face , you know . ' General commiseration . Several indignant glances directed at me . 'But I forgive you , Mr. Copperfield , ' said Uriah , making his forgiving nature the subject of a most impious and awful parallel , which I shall not record . 'I forgive everybody . It would ill become me to bear malice . I freely forgive you , and I hope you 'll curb your passions in future . I hope Mr. W. will repent , and Miss W. , and all of that sinful lot . You've been visited with affliction , and I hope it may do you good ; but you'd better have come here . Mr. W. had better have come here , and Miss W. too . The best wish I could give you , Mr. Copperfield , and give all of you gentlemen , is , that you could be took up and brought here . When I think of my past follies , and my present state , I am sure it would be best for you . I pity all who ai n't brought here ! ' He sneaked back into his cell , amidst a little chorus of approbation ; and both Traddles and I experienced a great relief when he was locked in . It was a characteristic feature in this repentance , that I was fain to ask what these two men had done , to be there at all . That appeared to be the last thing about which they had anything to say . I addressed myself to one of the two warders , who , I suspected from certain latent indications in their faces , knew pretty well what all this stir was worth . 'Do you know , ' said I , as we walked along the passage , 'what felony was Number Twenty Seven 's last `` folly '' ? ' The answer was that it was a Bank case . 'A fraud on the Bank of England ? ' I asked . 'Yes , sir . Fraud , forgery , and conspiracy . He and some others . He set the others on . It was a deep plot for a large sum . Sentence , transportation for life . Twenty Seven was the knowingest bird of the lot , and had very nearly kept himself safe ; but not quite . The Bank was just able to put salt upon his tail -- and only just . ' 'Do you know Twenty Eight 's offence ? ' 'Twenty Eight , ' returned my informant , speaking throughout in a low tone , and looking over his shoulder as we walked along the passage , to guard himself from being overheard , in such an unlawful reference to these Immaculates , by Creakle and the rest ; 'Twenty Eight ( also transportation ) got a place , and robbed a young master of a matter of two hundred and fifty pounds in money and valuables , the night before they were going abroad . I particularly recollect his case , from his being took by a dwarf . ' 'A what ? ' 'A little woman . I have forgot her name ? ' 'Not Mowcher ? ' 'That 's it ! He had eluded pursuit , and was going to America in a flaxen wig , and whiskers , and such a complete disguise as never you see in all your born days ; when the little woman , being in Southampton , met him walking along the street -- picked him out with her sharp eye in a moment -- ran betwixt his legs to upset him -- and held on to him like grim Death . ' 'Excellent Miss Mowcher ! ' cried I . 'You 'd have said so , if you had seen her , standing on a chair in the witness-box at the trial , as I did , ' said my friend . 'He cut her face right open , and pounded her in the most brutal manner , when she took him ; but she never loosed her hold till he was locked up . She held so tight to him , in fact , that the officers were obliged to take 'em both together . She gave her evidence in the gamest way , and was highly complimented by the Bench , and cheered right home to her lodgings . She said in Court that she 'd have took him single-handed ( on account of what she knew concerning him ) , if he had been Samson . And it 's my belief she would ! ' It was mine too , and I highly respected Miss Mowcher for it . We had now seen all there was to see . It would have been in vain to represent to such a man as the Worshipful Mr. Creakle , that Twenty Seven and Twenty Eight were perfectly consistent and unchanged ; that exactly what they were then , they had always been ; that the hypocritical knaves were just the subjects to make that sort of profession in such a place ; that they knew its market-value at least as well as we did , in the immediate service it would do them when they were expatriated ; in a word , that it was a rotten , hollow , painfully suggestive piece of business altogether . We left them to their system and themselves , and went home wondering . 'Perhaps it 's a good thing , Traddles , ' said I , 'to have an unsound Hobby ridden hard ; for it 's the sooner ridden to death . ' 'I hope so , ' replied Traddles . CHAPTER 62 . A LIGHT SHINES ON MY WAY The year came round to Christmas-time , and I had been at home above two months . I had seen Agnes frequently . However loud the general voice might be in giving me encouragement , and however fervent the emotions and endeavours to which it roused me , I heard her lightest word of praise as I heard nothing else . At least once a week , and sometimes oftener , I rode over there , and passed the evening . I usually rode back at night ; for the old unhappy sense was always hovering about me now -- most sorrowfully when I left her -- and I was glad to be up and out , rather than wandering over the past in weary wakefulness or miserable dreams . I wore away the longest part of many wild sad nights , in those rides ; reviving , as I went , the thoughts that had occupied me in my long absence . Or , if I were to say rather that I listened to the echoes of those thoughts , I should better express the truth . They spoke to me from afar off . I had put them at a distance , and accepted my inevitable place . When I read to Agnes what I wrote ; when I saw her listening face ; moved her to smiles or tears ; and heard her cordial voice so earnest on the shadowy events of that imaginative world in which I lived ; I thought what a fate mine might have been -- but only thought so , as I had thought after I was married to Dora , what I could have wished my wife to be . My duty to Agnes , who loved me with a love , which , if I disquieted , I wronged most selfishly and poorly , and could never restore ; my matured assurance that I , who had worked out my own destiny , and won what I had impetuously set my heart on , had no right to murmur , and must bear ; comprised what I felt and what I had learned . But I loved her : and now it even became some consolation to me , vaguely to conceive a distant day when I might blamelessly avow it ; when all this should be over ; when I could say 'Agnes , so it was when I came home ; and now I am old , and I never have loved since ! ' She did not once show me any change in herself . What she always had been to me , she still was ; wholly unaltered . Between my aunt and me there had been something , in this connexion , since the night of my return , which I can not call a restraint , or an avoidance of the subject , so much as an implied understanding that we thought of it together , but did not shape our thoughts into words . When , according to our old custom , we sat before the fire at night , we often fell into this train ; as naturally , and as consciously to each other , as if we had unreservedly said so . But we preserved an unbroken silence . I believed that she had read , or partly read , my thoughts that night ; and that she fully comprehended why I gave mine no more distinct expression . This Christmas-time being come , and Agnes having reposed no new confidence in me , a doubt that had several times arisen in my mind -- whether she could have that perception of the true state of my breast , which restrained her with the apprehension of giving me pain -- began to oppress me heavily . If that were so , my sacrifice was nothing ; my plainest obligation to her unfulfilled ; and every poor action I had shrunk from , I was hourly doing . I resolved to set this right beyond all doubt ; -- if such a barrier were between us , to break it down at once with a determined hand . It was -- what lasting reason have I to remember it ! -- a cold , harsh , winter day . There had been snow , some hours before ; and it lay , not deep , but hard-frozen on the ground . Out at sea , beyond my window , the wind blew ruggedly from the north . I had been thinking of it , sweeping over those mountain wastes of snow in Switzerland , then inaccessible to any human foot ; and had been speculating which was the lonelier , those solitary regions , or a deserted ocean . 'Riding today , Trot ? ' said my aunt , putting her head in at the door . 'Yes , ' said I , 'I am going over to Canterbury . It 's a good day for a ride . ' 'I hope your horse may think so too , ' said my aunt ; 'but at present he is holding down his head and his ears , standing before the door there , as if he thought his stable preferable . ' My aunt , I may observe , allowed my horse on the forbidden ground , but had not at all relented towards the donkeys . 'He will be fresh enough , presently ! ' said I . 'The ride will do his master good , at all events , ' observed my aunt , glancing at the papers on my table . 'Ah , child , you pass a good many hours here ! I never thought , when I used to read books , what work it was to write them . ' 'It 's work enough to read them , sometimes , ' I returned . 'As to the writing , it has its own charms , aunt . ' 'Ah ! I see ! ' said my aunt . 'Ambition , love of approbation , sympathy , and much more , I suppose ? Well : go along with you ! ' 'Do you know anything more , ' said I , standing composedly before her -- she had patted me on the shoulder , and sat down in my chair -- 'of that attachment of Agnes ? ' She looked up in my face a little while , before replying : 'I think I do , Trot . ' 'Are you confirmed in your impression ? ' I inquired . 'I think I am , Trot . ' She looked so steadfastly at me : with a kind of doubt , or pity , or suspense in her affection : that I summoned the stronger determination to show her a perfectly cheerful face . 'And what is more , Trot -- ' said my aunt . 'Yes ! ' 'I think Agnes is going to be married . ' 'God bless her ! ' said I , cheerfully . 'God bless her ! ' said my aunt , 'and her husband too ! ' I echoed it , parted from my aunt , and went lightly downstairs , mounted , and rode away . There was greater reason than before to do what I had resolved to do . How well I recollect the wintry ride ! The frozen particles of ice , brushed from the blades of grass by the wind , and borne across my face ; the hard clatter of the horse 's hoofs , beating a tune upon the ground ; the stiff-tilled soil ; the snowdrift , lightly eddying in the chalk-pit as the breeze ruffled it ; the smoking team with the waggon of old hay , stopping to breathe on the hill-top , and shaking their bells musically ; the whitened slopes and sweeps of Down-land lying against the dark sky , as if they were drawn on a huge slate ! I found Agnes alone . The little girls had gone to their own homes now , and she was alone by the fire , reading . She put down her book on seeing me come in ; and having welcomed me as usual , took her work-basket and sat in one of the old-fashioned windows . I sat beside her on the window-seat , and we talked of what I was doing , and when it would be done , and of the progress I had made since my last visit . Agnes was very cheerful ; and laughingly predicted that I should soon become too famous to be talked to , on such subjects . 'So I make the most of the present time , you see , ' said Agnes , 'and talk to you while I may . ' As I looked at her beautiful face , observant of her work , she raised her mild clear eyes , and saw that I was looking at her . 'You are thoughtful today , Trotwood ! ' 'Agnes , shall I tell you what about ? I came to tell you . ' She put aside her work , as she was used to do when we were seriously discussing anything ; and gave me her whole attention . 'My dear Agnes , do you doubt my being true to you ? ' 'No ! ' she answered , with a look of astonishment . 'Do you doubt my being what I always have been to you ? ' 'No ! ' she answered , as before . 'Do you remember that I tried to tell you , when I came home , what a debt of gratitude I owed you , dearest Agnes , and how fervently I felt towards you ? ' 'I remember it , ' she said , gently , 'very well . ' 'You have a secret , ' said I . 'Let me share it , Agnes . ' She cast down her eyes , and trembled . 'I could hardly fail to know , even if I had not heard -- but from other lips than yours , Agnes , which seems strange -- that there is someone upon whom you have bestowed the treasure of your love . Do not shut me out of what concerns your happiness so nearly ! If you can trust me , as you say you can , and as I know you may , let me be your friend , your brother , in this matter , of all others ! ' With an appealing , almost a reproachful , glance , she rose from the window ; and hurrying across the room as if without knowing where , put her hands before her face , and burst into such tears as smote me to the heart . And yet they awakened something in me , bringing promise to my heart . Without my knowing why , these tears allied themselves with the quietly sad smile which was so fixed in my remembrance , and shook me more with hope than fear or sorrow . 'Agnes ! Sister ! Dearest ! What have I done ? ' 'Let me go away , Trotwood . I am not well . I am not myself . I will speak to you by and by -- another time . I will write to you . Do n't speak to me now . Do n't ! do n't ! ' I sought to recollect what she had said , when I had spoken to her on that former night , of her affection needing no return . It seemed a very world that I must search through in a moment . 'Agnes , I can not bear to see you so , and think that I have been the cause . My dearest girl , dearer to me than anything in life , if you are unhappy , let me share your unhappiness . If you are in need of help or counsel , let me try to give it to you . If you have indeed a burden on your heart , let me try to lighten it . For whom do I live now , Agnes , if it is not for you ! ' 'Oh , spare me ! I am not myself ! Another time ! ' was all I could distinguish . Was it a selfish error that was leading me away ? Or , having once a clue to hope , was there something opening to me that I had not dared to think of ? 'I must say more . I can not let you leave me so ! For Heaven 's sake , Agnes , let us not mistake each other after all these years , and all that has come and gone with them ! I must speak plainly . If you have any lingering thought that I could envy the happiness you will confer ; that I could not resign you to a dearer protector , of your own choosing ; that I could not , from my removed place , be a contented witness of your joy ; dismiss it , for I do n't deserve it ! I have not suffered quite in vain . You have not taught me quite in vain . There is no alloy of self in what I feel for you . ' She was quiet now . In a little time , she turned her pale face towards me , and said in a low voice , broken here and there , but very clear : 'I owe it to your pure friendship for me , Trotwood -- which , indeed , I do not doubt -- to tell you , you are mistaken . I can do no more . If I have sometimes , in the course of years , wanted help and counsel , they have come to me . If I have sometimes been unhappy , the feeling has passed away . If I have ever had a burden on my heart , it has been lightened for me . If I have any secret , it is -- no new one ; and is -- not what you suppose . I can not reveal it , or divide it . It has long been mine , and must remain mine . ' 'Agnes ! Stay ! A moment ! ' She was going away , but I detained her . I clasped my arm about her waist . 'In the course of years ! ' 'It is not a new one ! ' New thoughts and hopes were whirling through my mind , and all the colours of my life were changing . 'Dearest Agnes ! Whom I so respect and honour -- whom I so devotedly love ! When I came here today , I thought that nothing could have wrested this confession from me . I thought I could have kept it in my bosom all our lives , till we were old . But , Agnes , if I have indeed any new-born hope that I may ever call you something more than Sister , widely different from Sister ! -- ' Her tears fell fast ; but they were not like those she had lately shed , and I saw my hope brighten in them . 'Agnes ! Ever my guide , and best support ! If you had been more mindful of yourself , and less of me , when we grew up here together , I think my heedless fancy never would have wandered from you . But you were so much better than I , so necessary to me in every boyish hope and disappointment , that to have you to confide in , and rely upon in everything , became a second nature , supplanting for the time the first and greater one of loving you as I do ! ' Still weeping , but not sadly -- joyfully ! And clasped in my arms as she had never been , as I had thought she never was to be ! 'When I loved Dora -- fondly , Agnes , as you know -- ' 'Yes ! ' she cried , earnestly . 'I am glad to know it ! ' 'When I loved her -- even then , my love would have been incomplete , without your sympathy . I had it , and it was perfected . And when I lost her , Agnes , what should I have been without you , still ! ' Closer in my arms , nearer to my heart , her trembling hand upon my shoulder , her sweet eyes shining through her tears , on mine ! 'I went away , dear Agnes , loving you . I stayed away , loving you . I returned home , loving you ! ' And now , I tried to tell her of the struggle I had had , and the conclusion I had come to . I tried to lay my mind before her , truly , and entirely . I tried to show her how I had hoped I had come into the better knowledge of myself and of her ; how I had resigned myself to what that better knowledge brought ; and how I had come there , even that day , in my fidelity to this . If she did so love me ( I said ) that she could take me for her husband , she could do so , on no deserving of mine , except upon the truth of my love for her , and the trouble in which it had ripened to be what it was ; and hence it was that I revealed it . And O , Agnes , even out of thy true eyes , in that same time , the spirit of my child-wife looked upon me , saying it was well ; and winning me , through thee , to tenderest recollections of the Blossom that had withered in its bloom ! 'I am so blest , Trotwood -- my heart is so overcharged -- but there is one thing I must say . ' 'Dearest , what ? ' She laid her gentle hands upon my shoulders , and looked calmly in my face . 'Do you know , yet , what it is ? ' 'I am afraid to speculate on what it is . Tell me , my dear . ' 'I have loved you all my life ! ' O , we were happy , we were happy ! Our tears were not for the trials ( hers so much the greater ) through which we had come to be thus , but for the rapture of being thus , never to be divided more ! We walked , that winter evening , in the fields together ; and the blessed calm within us seemed to be partaken by the frosty air . The early stars began to shine while we were lingering on , and looking up to them , we thanked our GOD for having guided us to this tranquillity . We stood together in the same old-fashioned window at night , when the moon was shining ; Agnes with her quiet eyes raised up to it ; I following her glance . Long miles of road then opened out before my mind ; and , toiling on , I saw a ragged way-worn boy , forsaken and neglected , who should come to call even the heart now beating against mine , his own . It was nearly dinner-time next day when we appeared before my aunt . She was up in my study , Peggotty said : which it was her pride to keep in readiness and order for me . We found her , in her spectacles , sitting by the fire . 'Goodness me ! ' said my aunt , peering through the dusk , 'who 's this you 're bringing home ? ' 'Agnes , ' said I . As we had arranged to say nothing at first , my aunt was not a little discomfited . She darted a hopeful glance at me , when I said 'Agnes ' ; but seeing that I looked as usual , she took off her spectacles in despair , and rubbed her nose with them . She greeted Agnes heartily , nevertheless ; and we were soon in the lighted parlour downstairs , at dinner . My aunt put on her spectacles twice or thrice , to take another look at me , but as often took them off again , disappointed , and rubbed her nose with them . Much to the discomfiture of Mr. Dick , who knew this to be a bad symptom . 'By the by , aunt , ' said I , after dinner ; 'I have been speaking to Agnes about what you told me . ' 'Then , Trot , ' said my aunt , turning scarlet , 'you did wrong , and broke your promise . ' 'You are not angry , aunt , I trust ? I am sure you wo n't be , when you learn that Agnes is not unhappy in any attachment . ' 'Stuff and nonsense ! ' said my aunt . As my aunt appeared to be annoyed , I thought the best way was to cut her annoyance short . I took Agnes in my arm to the back of her chair , and we both leaned over her . My aunt , with one clap of her hands , and one look through her spectacles , immediately went into hysterics , for the first and only time in all my knowledge of her . The hysterics called up Peggotty . The moment my aunt was restored , she flew at Peggotty , and calling her a silly old creature , hugged her with all her might . After that , she hugged Mr. Dick ( who was highly honoured , but a good deal surprised ) ; and after that , told them why . Then , we were all happy together . I could not discover whether my aunt , in her last short conversation with me , had fallen on a pious fraud , or had really mistaken the state of my mind . It was quite enough , she said , that she had told me Agnes was going to be married ; and that I now knew better than anyone how true it was . We were married within a fortnight . Traddles and Sophy , and Doctor and Mrs. Strong , were the only guests at our quiet wedding . We left them full of joy ; and drove away together . Clasped in my embrace , I held the source of every worthy aspiration I had ever had ; the centre of myself , the circle of my life , my own , my wife ; my love of whom was founded on a rock ! 'Dearest husband ! ' said Agnes . 'Now that I may call you by that name , I have one thing more to tell you . ' 'Let me hear it , love . ' 'It grows out of the night when Dora died . She sent you for me . ' 'She did . ' 'She told me that she left me something . Can you think what it was ? ' I believed I could . I drew the wife who had so long loved me , closer to my side . 'She told me that she made a last request to me , and left me a last charge . ' 'And it was -- ' 'That only I would occupy this vacant place . ' And Agnes laid her head upon my breast , and wept ; and I wept with her , though we were so happy . CHAPTER 63 . A VISITOR What I have purposed to record is nearly finished ; but there is yet an incident conspicuous in my memory , on which it often rests with delight , and without which one thread in the web I have spun would have a ravelled end . I had advanced in fame and fortune , my domestic joy was perfect , I had been married ten happy years . Agnes and I were sitting by the fire , in our house in London , one night in spring , and three of our children were playing in the room , when I was told that a stranger wished to see me . He had been asked if he came on business , and had answered No ; he had come for the pleasure of seeing me , and had come a long way . He was an old man , my servant said , and looked like a farmer . As this sounded mysterious to the children , and moreover was like the beginning of a favourite story Agnes used to tell them , introductory to the arrival of a wicked old Fairy in a cloak who hated everybody , it produced some commotion . One of our boys laid his head in his mother's lap to be out of harm 's way , and little Agnes ( our eldest child ) left her doll in a chair to represent her , and thrust out her little heap of golden curls from between the window-curtains , to see what happened next . 'Let him come in here ! ' said I . There soon appeared , pausing in the dark doorway as he entered , a hale , grey-haired old man . Little Agnes , attracted by his looks , had run to bring him in , and I had not yet clearly seen his face , when my wife , starting up , cried out to me , in a pleased and agitated voice , that it was Mr. Peggotty ! It WAS Mr. Peggotty . An old man now , but in a ruddy , hearty , strong old age . When our first emotion was over , and he sat before the fire with the children on his knees , and the blaze shining on his face , he looked , to me , as vigorous and robust , withal as handsome , an old man , as ever I had seen . 'Mas'r Davy , ' said he . And the old name in the old tone fell so naturally on my ear ! 'Mas'r Davy , 't is a joyful hour as I see you , once more , 'long with your own trew wife ! ' 'A joyful hour indeed , old friend ! ' cried I . 'And these heer pretty ones , ' said Mr. Peggotty . 'To look at these heer flowers ! Why , Mas'r Davy , you was but the heighth of the littlest of these , when I first see you ! When Em'ly war n't no bigger , and our poor lad were BUT a lad ! ' 'Time has changed me more than it has changed you since then , ' said I . 'But let these dear rogues go to bed ; and as no house in England but this must hold you , tell me where to send for your luggage ( is the old black bag among it , that went so far , I wonder ! ) , and then , over a glass of Yarmouth grog , we will have the tidings of ten years ! ' 'Are you alone ? ' asked Agnes . 'Yes , ma'am , ' he said , kissing her hand , 'quite alone . ' We sat him between us , not knowing how to give him welcome enough ; and as I began to listen to his old familiar voice , I could have fancied he was still pursuing his long journey in search of his darling niece . 'It 's a mort of water , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'fur to come across , and on'y stay a matter of fower weeks . But water ( 'specially when 't is salt ) comes nat'ral to me ; and friends is dear , and I am heer . -- Which is verse , ' said Mr. Peggotty , surprised to find it out , 'though I hadn't such intentions . ' 'Are you going back those many thousand miles , so soon ? ' asked Agnes . 'Yes , ma'am , ' he returned . 'I giv the promise to Em'ly , afore I come away . You see , I doe n't grow younger as the years comes round , and if I had n't sailed as 't was , most like I should n't never have done 't . And it 's allus been on my mind , as I must come and see Mas'r Davy and your own sweet blooming self , in your wedded happiness , afore I got to be too old . ' He looked at us , as if he could never feast his eyes on us sufficiently . Agnes laughingly put back some scattered locks of his grey hair , that he might see us better . 'And now tell us , ' said I , 'everything relating to your fortunes . ' 'Our fortuns , Mas'r Davy , ' he rejoined , 'is soon told . We have n't fared nohows , but fared to thrive . We 've allus thrived . We 've worked as we ought to 't , and maybe we lived a leetle hard at first or so , but we have allus thrived . What with sheep-farming , and what with stock-farming , and what with one thing and what with t'other , we are as well to do , as well could be . Theer 's been kiender a blessing fell upon us , ' said Mr. Peggotty , reverentially inclining his head , 'and we've done nowt but prosper . That is , in the long run . If not yesterday , why then today . If not today , why then tomorrow . ' 'And Emily ? ' said Agnes and I , both together . 'Em'ly , ' said he , 'arter you left her , ma'am -- and I never heerd her saying of her prayers at night , t'other side the canvas screen , when we was settled in the Bush , but what I heerd your name -- and arter she and me lost sight of Mas'r Davy , that theer shining sundown -- was that low , at first , that , if she had know 'd then what Mas'r Davy kep from us so kind and thowtful , 't is my opinion she 'd have drooped away . But theer was some poor folks aboard as had illness among 'em , and she took care of them ; and theer was the children in our company , and she took care of them ; and so she got to be busy , and to be doing good , and that helped her . ' 'When did she first hear of it ? ' I asked . 'I kep it from her arter I heerd on 't , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'going on nigh a year . We was living then in a solitary place , but among the beautifullest trees , and with the roses a-covering our Beein to the roof . Theer come along one day , when I was out a-working on the land , a traveller from our own Norfolk or Suffolk in England ( I doe n't rightly mind which ) , and of course we took him in , and giv him to eat and drink , and made him welcome . We all do that , all the colony over . He 'd got an old newspaper with him , and some other account in print of the storm . That 's how she know 'd it . When I came home at night , I found she know'd it . ' He dropped his voice as he said these words , and the gravity I so well remembered overspread his face . 'Did it change her much ? ' we asked . 'Aye , for a good long time , ' he said , shaking his head ; 'if not to this present hour . But I think the solitoode done her good . And she had a deal to mind in the way of poultry and the like , and minded of it , and come through . I wonder , ' he said thoughtfully , 'if you could see my Em'ly now , Mas'r Davy , whether you 'd know her ! ' 'Is she so altered ? ' I inquired . 'I doe n't know . I see her ev'ry day , and doe n't know ; But , odd-times , I have thowt so . A slight figure , ' said Mr. Peggotty , looking at the fire , 'kiender worn ; soft , sorrowful , blue eyes ; a delicate face ; a pritty head , leaning a little down ; a quiet voice and way -- timid a'most . That's Em'ly ! ' We silently observed him as he sat , still looking at the fire . 'Some thinks , ' he said , 'as her affection was ill-bestowed ; some , as her marriage was broken off by death . No one knows how 't is . She might have married well , a mort of times , `` but , uncle , '' she says to me , `` that's gone for ever . '' Cheerful along with me ; retired when others is by ; fond of going any distance fur to teach a child , or fur to tend a sick person , or fur to do some kindness tow'rds a young girl 's wedding ( and she 's done a many , but has never seen one ) ; fondly loving of her uncle ; patient ; liked by young and old ; sowt out by all that has any trouble . That 's Em'ly ! ' He drew his hand across his face , and with a half-suppressed sigh looked up from the fire . 'Is Martha with you yet ? ' I asked . 'Martha , ' he replied , 'got married , Mas'r Davy , in the second year . A young man , a farm-labourer , as come by us on his way to market with his mas'r 's drays -- a journey of over five hundred mile , theer and back -- made offers fur to take her fur his wife ( wives is very scarce theer ) , and then to set up fur their two selves in the Bush . She spoke to me fur to tell him her trew story . I did . They was married , and they live fower hundred mile away from any voices but their own and the singing birds . ' 'Mrs . Gummidge ? ' I suggested . It was a pleasant key to touch , for Mr. Peggotty suddenly burst into a roar of laughter , and rubbed his hands up and down his legs , as he had been accustomed to do when he enjoyed himself in the long-shipwrecked boat . 'Would you believe it ! ' he said . 'Why , someun even made offer fur to marry her ! If a ship 's cook that was turning settler , Mas'r Davy , didn't make offers fur to marry Missis Gummidge , I 'm Gormed -- and I ca n't say no fairer than that ! ' I never saw Agnes laugh so . This sudden ecstasy on the part of Mr. Peggotty was so delightful to her , that she could not leave off laughing ; and the more she laughed the more she made me laugh , and the greater Mr. Peggotty 's ecstasy became , and the more he rubbed his legs . 'And what did Mrs. Gummidge say ? ' I asked , when I was grave enough . 'If you 'll believe me , ' returned Mr. Peggotty , 'Missis Gummidge , 'stead of saying `` thank you , I 'm much obleeged to you , I ai n't a-going fur to change my condition at my time of life , '' up 'd with a bucket as was standing by , and laid it over that theer ship 's cook 's head 'till he sung out fur help , and I went in and reskied of him . ' Mr. Peggotty burst into a great roar of laughter , and Agnes and I both kept him company . 'But I must say this , for the good creetur , ' he resumed , wiping his face , when we were quite exhausted ; 'she has been all she said she'd be to us , and more . She 's the willingest , the trewest , the honestest-helping woman , Mas'r Davy , as ever draw 'd the breath of life . I have never know 'd her to be lone and lorn , for a single minute , not even when the colony was all afore us , and we was new to it . And thinking of the old 'un is a thing she never done , I do assure you , since she left England ! ' 'Now , last , not least , Mr. Micawber , ' said I . 'He has paid off every obligation he incurred here -- even to Traddles 's bill , you remember my dear Agnes -- and therefore we may take it for granted that he is doing well . But what is the latest news of him ? ' Mr. Peggotty , with a smile , put his hand in his breast-pocket , and produced a flat-folded , paper parcel , from which he took out , with much care , a little odd-looking newspaper . 'You are to understan ' , Mas'r Davy , ' said he , 'as we have left the Bush now , being so well to do ; and have gone right away round to Port Middlebay Harbour , wheer theer 's what we call a town . ' 'Mr . Micawber was in the Bush near you ? ' said I . 'Bless you , yes , ' said Mr. Peggotty , 'and turned to with a will . I never wish to meet a better gen'l'man for turning to with a will . I 've seen that theer bald head of his a perspiring in the sun , Mas'r Davy , till I a'most thowt it would have melted away . And now he 's a Magistrate . ' 'A Magistrate , eh ? ' said I. Mr. Peggotty pointed to a certain paragraph in the newspaper , where I read aloud as follows , from the Port Middlebay Times : 'The public dinner to our distinguished fellow-colonist and townsman , WILKINS MICAWBER , ESQUIRE , Port Middlebay District Magistrate , came off yesterday in the large room of the Hotel , which was crowded to suffocation . It is estimated that not fewer than forty-seven persons must have been accommodated with dinner at one time , exclusive of the company in the passage and on the stairs . The beauty , fashion , and exclusiveness of Port Middlebay , flocked to do honour to one so deservedly esteemed , so highly talented , and so widely popular . Doctor Mell ( of Colonial Salem-House Grammar School , Port Middlebay ) presided , and on his right sat the distinguished guest . After the removal of the cloth , and the singing of Non Nobis ( beautifully executed , and in which we were at no loss to distinguish the bell-like notes of that gifted amateur , WILKINS MICAWBER , ESQUIRE , JUNIOR ) , the usual loyal and patriotic toasts were severally given and rapturously received . Doctor Mell , in a speech replete with feeling , then proposed `` Our distinguished Guest , the ornament of our town . May he never leave us but to better himself , and may his success among us be such as to render his bettering himself impossible ! '' The cheering with which the toast was received defies description . Again and again it rose and fell , like the waves of ocean . At length all was hushed , and WILKINS MICAWBER , ESQUIRE , presented himself to return thanks . Far be it from us , in the present comparatively imperfect state of the resources of our establishment , to endeavour to follow our distinguished townsman through the smoothly-flowing periods of his polished and highly-ornate address ! Suffice it to observe , that it was a masterpiece of eloquence ; and that those passages in which he more particularly traced his own successful career to its source , and warned the younger portion of his auditory from the shoals of ever incurring pecuniary liabilities which they were unable to liquidate , brought a tear into the manliest eye present . The remaining toasts were DOCTOR MELL ; Mrs. MICAWBER ( who gracefully bowed her acknowledgements from the side-door , where a galaxy of beauty was elevated on chairs , at once to witness and adorn the gratifying scene ) , Mrs. RIDGER BEGS ( late Miss Micawber ) ; Mrs. MELL ; WILKINS MICAWBER , ESQUIRE , JUNIOR ( who convulsed the assembly by humorously remarking that he found himself unable to return thanks in a speech , but would do so , with their permission , in a song ) ; Mrs. MICAWBER 'S FAMILY ( well known , it is needless to remark , in the mother-country ) , & c. & c. & c. At the conclusion of the proceedings the tables were cleared as if by art-magic for dancing . Among the votaries of TERPSICHORE , who disported themselves until Sol gave warning for departure , Wilkins Micawber , Esquire , Junior , and the lovely and accomplished Miss Helena , fourth daughter of Doctor Mell , were particularly remarkable . ' I was looking back to the name of Doctor Mell , pleased to have discovered , in these happier circumstances , Mr. Mell , formerly poor pinched usher to my Middlesex magistrate , when Mr. Peggotty pointing to another part of the paper , my eyes rested on my own name , and I read thus : 'TO DAVID COPPERFIELD , ESQUIRE , 'THE EMINENT AUTHOR . 'My Dear Sir , 'Years have elapsed , since I had an opportunity of ocularly perusing the lineaments , now familiar to the imaginations of a considerable portion of the civilized world . 'But , my dear Sir , though estranged ( by the force of circumstances over which I have had no control ) from the personal society of the friend and companion of my youth , I have not been unmindful of his soaring flight . Nor have I been debarred , Though seas between us braid ha ' roared , ( BURNS ) from participating in the intellectual feasts he has spread before us . 'I can not , therefore , allow of the departure from this place of an individual whom we mutually respect and esteem , without , my dear Sir , taking this public opportunity of thanking you , on my own behalf , and , I may undertake to add , on that of the whole of the Inhabitants of Port Middlebay , for the gratification of which you are the ministering agent . 'Go on , my dear Sir ! You are not unknown here , you are not unappreciated . Though `` remote '' , we are neither `` unfriended '' , '' melancholy '' , nor ( I may add ) `` slow '' . Go on , my dear Sir , in your Eagle course ! The inhabitants of Port Middlebay may at least aspire to watch it , with delight , with entertainment , with instruction ! 'Among the eyes elevated towards you from this portion of the globe , will ever be found , while it has light and life , 'The 'Eye 'Appertaining to 'WILKINS MICAWBER , 'Magistrate . ' I found , on glancing at the remaining contents of the newspaper , that Mr. Micawber was a diligent and esteemed correspondent of that journal . There was another letter from him in the same paper , touching a bridge ; there was an advertisement of a collection of similar letters by him , to be shortly republished , in a neat volume , 'with considerable additions ' ; and , unless I am very much mistaken , the Leading Article was his also . We talked much of Mr. Micawber , on many other evenings while Mr. Peggotty remained with us . He lived with us during the whole term of his stay , -- which , I think , was something less than a month , -- and his sister and my aunt came to London to see him . Agnes and I parted from him aboard-ship , when he sailed ; and we shall never part from him more , on earth . But before he left , he went with me to Yarmouth , to see a little tablet I had put up in the churchyard to the memory of Ham . While I was copying the plain inscription for him at his request , I saw him stoop , and gather a tuft of grass from the grave and a little earth . 'For Em'ly , ' he said , as he put it in his breast . 'I promised , Mas'r Davy . ' CHAPTER 64 . A LAST RETROSPECT And now my written story ends . I look back , once more -- for the last time -- before I close these leaves . I see myself , with Agnes at my side , journeying along the road of life . I see our children and our friends around us ; and I hear the roar of many voices , not indifferent to me as I travel on . What faces are the most distinct to me in the fleeting crowd ? Lo , these ; all turning to me as I ask my thoughts the question ! Here is my aunt , in stronger spectacles , an old woman of four-score years and more , but upright yet , and a steady walker of six miles at a stretch in winter weather . Always with her , here comes Peggotty , my good old nurse , likewise in spectacles , accustomed to do needle-work at night very close to the lamp , but never sitting down to it without a bit of wax candle , a yard-measure in a little house , and a work-box with a picture of St. Paul 's upon the lid . The cheeks and arms of Peggotty , so hard and red in my childish days , when I wondered why the birds did n't peck her in preference to apples , are shrivelled now ; and her eyes , that used to darken their whole neighbourhood in her face , are fainter ( though they glitter still ) ; but her rough forefinger , which I once associated with a pocket nutmeg-grater , is just the same , and when I see my least child catching at it as it totters from my aunt to her , I think of our little parlour at home , when I could scarcely walk . My aunt 's old disappointment is set right , now . She is godmother to a real living Betsey Trotwood ; and Dora ( the next in order ) says she spoils her . There is something bulky in Peggotty 's pocket . It is nothing smaller than the Crocodile Book , which is in rather a dilapidated condition by this time , with divers of the leaves torn and stitched across , but which Peggotty exhibits to the children as a precious relic . I find it very curious to see my own infant face , looking up at me from the Crocodile stories ; and to be reminded by it of my old acquaintance Brooks of Sheffield . Among my boys , this summer holiday time , I see an old man making giant kites , and gazing at them in the air , with a delight for which there are no words . He greets me rapturously , and whispers , with many nods and winks , 'Trotwood , you will be glad to hear that I shall finish the Memorial when I have nothing else to do , and that your aunt 's the most extraordinary woman in the world , sir ! ' Who is this bent lady , supporting herself by a stick , and showing me a countenance in which there are some traces of old pride and beauty , feebly contending with a querulous , imbecile , fretful wandering of the mind ? She is in a garden ; and near her stands a sharp , dark , withered woman , with a white scar on her lip . Let me hear what they say . 'Rosa , I have forgotten this gentleman 's name . ' Rosa bends over her , and calls to her , 'Mr . Copperfield . ' 'I am glad to see you , sir . I am sorry to observe you are in mourning . I hope Time will be good to you . ' Her impatient attendant scolds her , tells her I am not in mourning , bids her look again , tries to rouse her . 'You have seen my son , sir , ' says the elder lady . 'Are you reconciled ? ' Looking fixedly at me , she puts her hand to her forehead , and moans . Suddenly , she cries , in a terrible voice , 'Rosa , come to me . He is dead ! ' Rosa kneeling at her feet , by turns caresses her , and quarrels with her ; now fiercely telling her , 'I loved him better than you ever did ! ' -- now soothing her to sleep on her breast , like a sick child . Thus I leave them ; thus I always find them ; thus they wear their time away , from year to year . What ship comes sailing home from India , and what English lady is this , married to a growling old Scotch Croesus with great flaps of ears ? Can this be Julia Mills ? Indeed it is Julia Mills , peevish and fine , with a black man to carry cards and letters to her on a golden salver , and a copper-coloured woman in linen , with a bright handkerchief round her head , to serve her Tiffin in her dressing-room . But Julia keeps no diary in these days ; never sings Affection 's Dirge ; eternally quarrels with the old Scotch Croesus , who is a sort of yellow bear with a tanned hide . Julia is steeped in money to the throat , and talks and thinks of nothing else . I liked her better in the Desert of Sahara . Or perhaps this IS the Desert of Sahara ! For , though Julia has a stately house , and mighty company , and sumptuous dinners every day , I see no green growth near her ; nothing that can ever come to fruit or flower . What Julia calls 'society ' , I see ; among it Mr. Jack Maldon , from his Patent Place , sneering at the hand that gave it him , and speaking to me of the Doctor as 'so charmingly antique ' . But when society is the name for such hollow gentlemen and ladies , Julia , and when its breeding is professed indifference to everything that can advance or can retard mankind , I think we must have lost ourselves in that same Desert of Sahara , and had better find the way out . And lo , the Doctor , always our good friend , labouring at his Dictionary ( somewhere about the letter D ) , and happy in his home and wife . Also the Old Soldier , on a considerably reduced footing , and by no means so influential as in days of yore ! Working at his chambers in the Temple , with a busy aspect , and his hair ( where he is not bald ) made more rebellious than ever by the constant friction of his lawyer's-wig , I come , in a later time , upon my dear old Traddles . His table is covered with thick piles of papers ; and I say , as I look around me : 'If Sophy were your clerk , now , Traddles , she would have enough to do ! ' 'You may say that , my dear Copperfield ! But those were capital days , too , in Holborn Court ! Were they not ? ' 'When she told you you would be a judge ? But it was not the town talk then ! ' 'At all events , ' says Traddles , 'if I ever am one -- ' 'Why , you know you will be . ' 'Well , my dear Copperfield , WHEN I am one , I shall tell the story , as I said I would . ' We walk away , arm in arm . I am going to have a family dinner with Traddles . It is Sophy 's birthday ; and , on our road , Traddles discourses to me of the good fortune he has enjoyed . 'I really have been able , my dear Copperfield , to do all that I had most at heart . There 's the Reverend Horace promoted to that living at four hundred and fifty pounds a year ; there are our two boys receiving the very best education , and distinguishing themselves as steady scholars and good fellows ; there are three of the girls married very comfortably ; there are three more living with us ; there are three more keeping house for the Reverend Horace since Mrs. Crewler 's decease ; and all of them happy . ' 'Except -- ' I suggest . 'Except the Beauty , ' says Traddles . 'Yes . It was very unfortunate that she should marry such a vagabond . But there was a certain dash and glare about him that caught her . However , now we have got her safe at our house , and got rid of him , we must cheer her up again . ' Traddles 's house is one of the very houses -- or it easily may have been -- which he and Sophy used to parcel out , in their evening walks . It is a large house ; but Traddles keeps his papers in his dressing-room and his boots with his papers ; and he and Sophy squeeze themselves into upper rooms , reserving the best bedrooms for the Beauty and the girls . There is no room to spare in the house ; for more of 'the girls ' are here , and always are here , by some accident or other , than I know how to count . Here , when we go in , is a crowd of them , running down to the door , and handing Traddles about to be kissed , until he is out of breath . Here , established in perpetuity , is the poor Beauty , a widow with a little girl ; here , at dinner on Sophy 's birthday , are the three married girls with their three husbands , and one of the husband's brothers , and another husband 's cousin , and another husband 's sister , who appears to me to be engaged to the cousin . Traddles , exactly the same simple , unaffected fellow as he ever was , sits at the foot of the large table like a Patriarch ; and Sophy beams upon him , from the head , across a cheerful space that is certainly not glittering with Britannia metal . And now , as I close my task , subduing my desire to linger yet , these faces fade away . But one face , shining on me like a Heavenly light by which I see all other objects , is above them and beyond them all . And that remains . I turn my head , and see it , in its beautiful serenity , beside me . My lamp burns low , and I have written far into the night ; but the dear presence , without which I were nothing , bears me company . O Agnes , O my soul , so may thy face be by me when I close my life indeed ; so may I , when realities are melting from me , like the shadows which I now dismiss , still find thee near me , pointing upward !